Kristin Lindman

EDU 280A
Adolescence: A Conscious Recapitulation

High School and Middle School, for me, were the equivalent of throwing a lamb
into a lion pit and hoping for the best for the future of the lamb. Its become a norm now
for people to say that they hated high school and how miserable it was for them.
Unfortunately, for me I fall into that social norm. In some ways it was very much a battle
that I could not seem to win for a long time. I was always fighting something, but I had
no Captain to guide me in the skills of adolescent war in the trenches of the hallways. I
was alone.
I believe that a lot of my battling for survival began when I was little, so I was
enlisted in this army at a young age. Youve got to start em young I guess. I grew up in a
very unconventional place compared to all the other kids in school. I was raised on a
college campus. My Dad was a Captain at SUNY Maritime, a merchant Marine Academy,
in the Bronx. There wasnt a day where there wasnt a ship going past my house in the
water or cadets marching past my front porch. This only lasted until I was about six, then
we ended up moving twice in one year, and I ended up in a tight nit suburb on the
boarder of Queens. Everyone knew everyone, and I wasnt part of everyone. I wasnt used

to this type of environment. I was exceedingly uncomfortable because everyone already

had their friends and all of mine were still in the Bronx. I could no longer be myself.
Going into Middle School felt like I was the new kid in town again. All the kids
from my elementary school went to a different high school because of district lines, so I
was restricted to going to the middle school with the bad reputation. All I heard in
elementary school was that I was going to the school where there are always fights, got in
trouble, and stole stuff out of your lockers. I was terrified. I had no idea of what I was
getting into and I immediately put my guard up and established a survival strategy which
consisted of keeping to myself as much as possible and find an ally (friend).
The school ended up not being as bad as I thought reputation wise, but there were
other things that inhibited my abilities to fit in. All the kids that were in my middle
school had grown up with one another and already knew one another. I had no one. I
was all alone. Everyone kind of stuck to their own and were not that overall excepting to
anyone outside of their circles. What also didnt help me was the fact that I was this
overweight, tall, didnt wear clothes with labels, and had frizzy/ wavy hair. I had always
been taller than everyone in class, even in pre-k. It never really hit me until I was in
middle school. I tapped in around 52 when I was thirteen, and everyone was just hitting
five feet. Unfortunately I developed vertically and horizontally faster than everyone else.
I was so awkward not only because of my height, but also because of my size. I always
struggled my weight but because of the age I was and the environment I was in I stuck
out like a sore thumb and not in the most attractive way.

My middle and high school were exceedingly superficial. Everyone was wearing
the latest trends and labels that came out of magazines and were seen on MTV. I could
not afford those clothes nor could I fit in them. Everything was cut so small for all these
skinny looking girls. Instead I had to shop in the womens section for clothes, and I
would always pick out all these clothes that didnt draw that much attention to myself. I
wanted to remain off the radar as much as possible because I was so scared of people
talking about me and calling me fat. Often kids would make fun of me because I was
wearing clothes that were similar to some of my teachers. You could imagine how fun
that was to hear. I wanted so much to be like everyone else and wear Aeropstale,
Abercrombie and Fitch, NIKE, puma, etc.
The biggest cultural tool influences in my school were those that consisted of MTV
television programs, MySpace, and various expensive clothing brands such as the ones I
expressed before. I did not have access to any of these things. I did not get cable
television until I was in twelfth grade, so when everyone was talking about all these
different music videos and TV shows on MTV I couldnt really say anything or get
involved because I had no idea what they were talking about. I didnt know what MTV
was because I didnt have that channel in my house. I got the basic channels which
consisted mostly of news, PBS specials, and old re-runs of canceled shows. I didnt grow
up with the typical teenage shows. I was watching Law and Order when I was in fourth
grade! I had no concept of what these shows were that anyone was talking about. In my
mind normal TV shows were what my parents watched (i.e Star Trek, Law and Order,
CSI, Greys Anatomy, ER, etc.). From what I did hear about the shows everyone else was

watching I didnt think it was appealing. They were always filled with stupid drama, and
all the characters sounded like they had a cumulative IQ of about one and a half. I got
much more out of what my parents watched. No one in the shows were acting immature
or crying every five seconds. There was an actual plot that one could follow and get
interested in. I wasnt exposed to the teen TV scene, and I am happy I wasnt.
When it came to MySpace I was not involved in that either. My parents were not
comfortable with everything they were hearing on the news about MySpace and all the
online predators. There was also a lot of drama on that website in my school. A lot of
people would talk about each other and say mean things. It was drama central. It was so
irritating to even hear about because people could never say anything to each other face
to face, but rather hid behind their computer screens and conversed there instead. I
didnt want to be part of that and I had no need for it. I also didnt care too much that
Becky just a new pair of shoes, or if Bobby likes Amber. It didnt matter to me because I
didnt associate with a lot of people in my school that were on MySpace. I would much
rather talk to and hang out with my friends face to face as opposed to being on the
computer.
After a while with the clothes aspect of high school, I stopped caring. I wore what
I wanted to wear which most often than not consisted of a t-shirt, jeans, and my converse.
I saw what the kids were really about when they were wearing all the latest clothes. I saw
what their priorities were. They would sooner be friends with someone who was wearing
Abercrombie and Fitch clothes than someone who was real and true. All those people

were fake and only saw the world between thin threads of their expensive clothing.
Thats all that mattered to them, and if you didnt fit into those clothes you didnt fit into
their group. After realizing this I developed my own perspective on things. I could be
myself and dress the way I wanted to, and if people didnt want to accept me that way
then they can keep walking. I realized that if I had to change myself to have friends then
there was something wrong with me.
I think if I wasnt the size that I was and if I had more money, I would have had a
much more different experience in middle and high school. Kids would have realized
what I was wearing and would have actually talked to me. If anyone was wearing
anything that was remotely weird or didnt look like it came out of Seventeen Magazine
that person was looked at like they had ten heads. No one would talk to them either. If I
had labels on my clothes I would have had an immediate ticket into any of the groups
because that was what they were always looking for most of the time. Appearances were
what mattered when I was in school. I was also white, so that would have gotten me into
the group with the other white kids. The cliques almost rarely mixed races, so I would
have fallen into the group of rich white kids. That was more of an assumption. It was a
stigma that if you were white you had money. I however did not fit into that stereotype.
I think if I was as obsessed with appearances as everyone else was I would have gotten a
long better.
My confidence had fallen through the floor early on in middle school because of
the lack of my ability to assimilate with everyone else , but I adjusted by the time I got

into high school. When I realized I wasnt going to fit in with a lot of these groups, and
that me trying to fit in with these people would really be me lying to myself, so I decided
it was time that I be myself and just accept it even if I was the skinniest girl wearing brand
named clothes. I didnt have a lot of money compared to everyone else, I didnt have the
same physique as everyone else, and I didnt grow up in that town. I was accepted by no
one. I had to get over those facts really quick or else I would have spent all of my
schooling miserable and lost.
Before I came to this realization I was always so upset because didnt have that
many friends, so I relied on my parents a lot. They were my real support system
throughout high school. They helped me get through a lot of what I was going through
by reassuring that everything that was happening in school was not that important and
that I had to learn how to rise above it. I couldnt go to my sister for help, thinking she
would have some advice having already gone through high school. She was eleven years
older than me so I thought that I could go to her for some insight on how to deal with
high school troubles. I wasnt really able to talk to her but she lived off on her own with
her boyfriend in the Bronx. I didnt have much of a relationship there because she went
away when I was younger. According to Piaget I had a change in schema of what a sister
should be. It went from a scheme of going to ask her a question or ask for help to going
to other people such as my parents when I needed help or had a question. Her leaving
my house caused a change in that scheme and as a result I had to accommodate myself to
the current situation because the old one wasnt working. So from that point on when my
mind recognized I needed help I would go to my parents because my sister wasnt there.

My teachers helped me a lot in the process of accepting myself. For the

longest time I didnt feel that I was at all significant because no one really talked to me or
accepted me because of what I did and didnt look like. I felt like I was invisible, as clich
as that sounds, but it was true. After a while in class I began to raise my hand and answer
questions that I knew the answer to. I began to feel a little bit confident because I knew
what the teacher was talking about and I was able to solve a lot of problems even if they
were difficult at times. A good example of me gaining confidence was in my Eighth grade
Social Studies class with Mr. Seriff. I was intrigued with everything he taught us because
everything he said made sense to me. He would constantly demonstrate Vygotskys Zone
of Proximal Development in the classroom. He would give us an activity where he would
help us, like giving us an activity where he talked about the political climate prior to
WWII, and then he would give us enough knowledge so that we had to figure out some of
the causes of the war before we even read about them in the textbook. I was able to
figure out why Germany was so angry and laid the groundwork for the beginning of the
war. I could and did figure it out on my own. He gave me the ability to do so, and he
took recognition of that. I began getting better grades and realized that I did have
strengths. He even called my house and talked to my mom to say how impressed he was
with my work, and recommended me for an advanced history class. He helped me
establish a confidence in myself that I didnt even know that I had. My teacher noticed
me, and that was better than any Aeropostale wearing, MTV watching clique could give
me.

Another example of how my teachers helped me throughout my adolescence was

in my English classes. I actually cared about what we were reading in class and I wanted
to finish a book without some loser in the back going on SparkNotes and spoiling the
ending. I paid attention, and my teachers noticed that. As a result my English teachers
would give me more attention such that when they were talking about themes and deep
meanings they focused more on my, as well as a few select others, opinions and feedback.
When the class would get rowdy and clearly didnt care what was going on, my teacher
would give me an assignment that would help me grow in my knowledge of literature,
and would give the rest of the class a different assignment. My teachers provided an
environment for me to thrive in the subject even when the class seemed like it was going
to explode. One of my teachers went to the extent of meeting with me after school to
finish discussing something about a book that we couldnt accomplish in class because of
my other classmates. My teacher showed that they cared about my learning. That was
very special to me, and helped me get through everything else around me because I knew
they were trying to help me even if it meant them using their free time to explain
something to me. Their confidence in me helped me work harder and get stronger as an
individual.
I sought more comfort from my teachers more than from other students because I
actually cared what my teachers had to say and I valued their opinions. I guess this is
where conflict would arise between my relationship between other students and my
teachers. I think the conflict took the form of a lot of kids thinking of me to being a
teachers pet. This was NOT true at all. A good example would be when I got teased for

actually caring about what the book in English class was about. That was what some kids
used to justify me as a teachers pet. I would sometimes get eye rolls from other kids
because I always raised my hand in English class and wanted to answer the question. I
didnt climb on the edge of my desk screaming OOOOhhhh me! Me! Pick me! I did not
do that. OK maybe I did it once as a joke, but it was not something I did religiously. I
just wanted to say the answer and if I wasnt called on I didnt cry and throw a fit. I just
learned to not care. The less attention I paid to that the better I felt because I actually
had a knowledge of what was going on and I got good grades because of it. My grades
were more important than what was being whispered about me behind me during class. I
knew what my priorities were and I knew not to let that conflict bother me.
I can say I was fortunate enough to learn to not let other peoples opinions about
me bother me even though I struggled with it for a long time. I however was one of the
lucky few. I had a couple of friends throughout high school that changed in order to fit in
with a different crowd and end up higher on the social ladder. Like John Ogbu discussed
some minorities will abandon their cultural identities in order to assimilate with other
groups in order to succeed. My friend Ashley was Dominican and was very proud of that.
She was very vibrant and loud and embraced her culture, especially in her choice of
clothing. When ninth grade rolled around she wanted to go into one of the dance
programs my high school provided, which was dominated by a lot of white girls. Her
vibrant personality wasnt necessarily tolerated or accepted by all the white girls in the
class. As a result she performed what Ogbu described as Cultural inversion. Ashley
ended up losing her vibrant personality and became more mutedshe became one of the

white girls. Before I knew it she was sounding like a valley girl. I had no idea who she
was anymore, and because I wasnt like how the other white girls were she stopped
hanging out with me. It hurt a lot that she was willing to abandon who she was just to fit
in with the other white girls. I could never imagine doing that to myself and hurting my
friends like she did. I was OK with who I was. I did not want to be like Ashley and just
abandon my identity. I wanted to stay who I was, and it ended up paying off. Ashley also
ended up abandoning one of her other friends, Miranda. Miranda and I realized what she
did to us and we became friends. We shared a lot of the same ideas such as remaining
who we were over changing to fit everyone elses needs. Neither of us fit in with the
cliques in high school and we shared a lot of the same interests. I am proud to say I have
been friends with her ever since. We were our own little rebellion against the fake
hierarchy that dominated our school. Miranda and I chose to not be like the other white
girls in school, together we were our own clique. We were comfortable with who we were
and we didnt need to look a certain way or wear certain things. Her friendship was free.
My school had the typical high school social hierarchy. It consisted of the jocks,
the white kids, the class clowns, the repeat suspenders, the ghetto kids, the metal heads,
nerds, etc. I couldnt really identify with really any of these groups, even a group which
consisted of my own race. If I were to identify myself with them that would have meant
that I would have had to binge drink all the time, party every weekend, have fancy car
and clothes, get arrested for underage drinking, and perform sexual acts in between
classes. I was not ready to accept any of those things. I was not like that and what tthey
did was wrong on so many levels. If thats what being white meant then I didnt want to

be associated with my own people. I was a drifter for the most part. I had friends in
several groups of cliques when they chose to break away from the herd. I didnt care that
I had no definitive group to identify myself with. I was comfortable with having a wide
variety of friends. This further helped me with my identity because it meant I could have
friends that didnt make me change who I was. They were perfectly accepting of me. I
had my own Motley Crue of friends, like a band of misfits. Everyone one of us was
different in our own ways, and that was perfectly ok.
I think I truly achieved my identity during my junior year in high school because of
the heavy influence teachers stressing that we will soon be out in the world outside of
high school. I realized that I really needed to get myself in gear. I really had to grow up.
I began to notice what was ahead of me and I needed to get myself in order. The first step
I made toward this was deciding what I wanted to do with my life as in what I saw myself
doing. As much as it comes off that I didnt like high school I really wanted to be a
teacher. I wanted to become that role model that helped me so much with my education.
That attracted me so much about growing up. I could really see myself standing in front
of a class teaching. I liked what I saw of teaching life. It looked like they had control. I
wanted to create lesson plans and teach pieces of literature just like they did. I wanted to
have their knowledge which seemed to go on forever. I guess I kind of put teachers up on
a pedestal. I wanted to have that job so badly. I wanted to be independent from the teen
aspect of high school and take a trip on over to the flip sideteaching. At one point I felt
a little bit out of sync with what I wanted in becoming an adult. This happened during
senior year because everything was coming at me in a million different directions. I was

getting overwhelmed with college applications, job applications, tests, application essays,
scholarship applications, etc. I couldnt really focus on what I wanted because I was
scared that I wasnt going to be good enough and that I couldnt handle all the demands
of being an adult. I could barely handle getting homework in on time with the amount of
work I had to do in senior year. I began to doubt if everything I was going through was
actually worth being a teacher. I at one point wanted to just stay in the comforts of my
own home and stay with my parents and my friends. My parents had a lot of influence it
what happened and what I would do. They did things for me. I guess I can say I
developed a fear of the unknown, and thats what really made me out of sync with the
adult world. I had no real control of what was before me. That is part of growing up, is
releasing some of that control. In high school it is so easy to control what will happen
because my parents played a huge role in what I did (not in an obsessive way). They paid
for my food, clothing, shelter, etc. Growing up meant I had to give that up, and that I
would have to do things for my own. My parents could no longer figure things out for me
like they did when I was a teenager. I didnt have to think about a lot of things, so it
made life a little easier. In becoming an adult I had to realize that I was in charge of my
life now, and I had to tackle whatever was to come at me. In a way I wished I could stay
like a teen, but I knew that wasnt practical nor was it acceptable. I had to learn how to
handle situations on my own.
I believe that my identity made quite a transformation throughout my
adolescence. According to Erik Ericson I think I would fall in into the category of identity
Achievement. I didnt exactly explore ad fall into several different identities because I

didnt exactly have the opportunities to do so. The other groups were not accepting and
therefor I couldnt assume that identity. Instead I early on wished to be part of these
groups, but I realized what I would have to become in order to fit in. I wouldnt be myself
and I would have to lie to myself. I think by seeing examples of other people abandoning
who they were just so that they can have friends I got a clearer idea of who I was and what
I wanted to be. I became sound with who I was because I found friends that liked me for
who I was and didnt want to change my personality or what I looked like. I had come to
terms with who I was and I didnt have to change myself in order to do it.
My major takeaway from my high school experience is staying true to who you are.
Im sure thats everyone says, but its very much true. I could not stress that any further
to any of my future students. It was my key to survival when I was in school it really gave
me the ability to see things in a greater light. I could see how many people los t
themselves amidst the vast levels of the social hierarchy. I was able to see how
unimportant it was. It was more important to me to stay who I was, and as a result I
developed a friendship that is so strong that it has carried on into my college years. My
friend Miranda is probably the greatest thing that came out of all of this. I got a friend
that accepts me for who I am. Another takeaway is that I got is that high school is not the
end of the world, what you are in high school wont end up mattering in the future, so
what I want to say to these people that change to fit in is this: what will happen to you
when you graduate and you no longer have your clique to identify with? All you will be
left with is this hollow shell whos lost in the world. I may come off harsh, but its very

important to be who you want to be no matter if you dont fit in with the latest fashion
trend or watch the latest shows.
After going through what went through as an adolescent, I as a future teacher
hope to be more sensitive to what teens will be going through. I wont in anyway take out
my opinions on cliques on my students. If I did that I will be no better than the cliques
that excluded me. Its also not fair to take out any pent up emotions from the past out on
my students because they are not the people that I went to school with. I also dont know
what my students go through outside of the classroom, so me releasing aggression on
them is not fair nor would it be right. All of my students will be coming from all different
walks of life, and it is my duty to recognize that as a future educator. I need to and will be
understanding and accepting to all of my students, no matter how crazy they might make
me. Im sure along the way I will find a student or two that look like a mini-me. I will
want to direct my attention towards them naturally and help them along the way, but its
not my job. Thats something for them to figure out on their own just like I did. Its their
own decision. I think it will be hard to see someone going through the situations that I
went through. It will almost be like revisiting painful memories, but I will have to
restrain myself and remain a teacher. I will have to remain and act in professional
manner. I will have to realize that that kid is not me, and that my time in high school as a
student is over.
Luckily I have endured the battle that is high school. It is great to be over with it
especially because I realized that I had to become my own captain in that war. I had to

find out what was best for me and my identity and role with it. I couldnt let myself get
compromised because I would have ended up like one of the other drones just walking
through the hallway with no idea who they are or what theyre doing. Luckily I ended up
with some really good friends, and I was no longer alone.