The Waverly Newsletter

Greenwich, CT Summer 2003

Settling Up
Here is the summary of where the money came from, and where it all went, upon the conclusion of the 2003 Waverly.
CTP, Calcutta Calcutta Calcutta Player
2003 Final Tourney LD, Calcutta Owner Player Net Total
Player Handicap Score Prize $ RC Owner Bid Winnings Winnings Winnings Winnings
Commish Hakes 23 -20 $150 #*$50 Twain $140 $165 $ 35 $235
Swing Doc Bardo 7 +1 110 @* 55 Skull 110 285 110 195 360
Jersey Logan 26 +4 70 # 5 Razor 200 70 (130) (55)
Puff Courtenay 17 +4 70 * 65 Swing Doc 120 160 70 30 165
Gamer Groom 15 +6 40 20 Puff 200 50 (70) (10)
Legs Barnes 14 +11 30 * 45 Chia 160 37 35 (88) (13)
Spike Feikleberry 26 +13 20 Swing Doc 80 25 25 45
5-O Horn 28 +14 5 * 45 Legs 160 10 (55) (5)
Butcher Leonardo 18 +14 5 * 65 Cha-Ching 200 10 (190) (120)
Twain English 27 +16 Gamer 120 490 350 350
Razor Gillette 23 +16 * 65 Jersey 200 205 5 70
Cha-Ching Eberhardt 5 +20 Butcher 80 37 (163) (163)
Skull Kurlich 15 +22 * 65 5-O 65 325 125 190
Chia Sortevik 17 +24 60 Commish 130 90 (70) (10)
Farmer Arbogast 15 +28 20 Skull 90 -0- 20
Smiley Jones 16 +35 1 Butcher 120 -0- 1
Total Avg. 18 Avg. +13 $501 $560 Avg. $136 $1,629 $545
Note: * Includes $45 for Ryder Cup @ Includes $10 for Low Gross # Includes $5 for Low Net Round

Scoring It Graphically

20
+35
1st Round 2nd Round 3rd Round 35
15 +28
+22 +24
10 +14 +14 +16 +16 +20
+6 +11 +13 18
+4 +4 14
12
13
11
5 +1 11 9 9 10
9
7 8 8 7 8 8
6 65 5 6 55 55 6
4 3 4 4 3 4 4
0 1 0 1 2 2
0
-3 -1 - 1 -1
- 6- 6 -6
-8 -8
Swin

Jers

Puff

Gam

Legs

Razo

Cha-

Skul

Smil
Com

Spik

5-0

Butc

Twai

Chia

Farm

-5
ey

ey
e

Chin
her
er
mish

n
g Do

er

-20
g
c

-10

Waverly Newsletter 1
A Quick Analysis
• Handicap adjusted, only 9 of 48 rounds were under par. That’s a whopping 19%. Collectively - we stink.
• Last year the average Calcutta bid was $120. This year it was $136.
• Four Calcutta bids maxed out at $200. Last year, 3 went to the maximum.
• Twelve Calcutta bids were greater than $100. Last year, 11 were more than a Franklin.
• Last year’s average score was +10, excluding rookies and DNFers. This year, excluding the rook, our average score was +12.5
• Statistical evidence suggests that the higher the bidding in the Calcutta, the worse the level of play.
• Let’s be perfectly clear - eliminating the Calcutta will not revert our scores anywhere close to Old Man Par.

Life Is Almost Complete (In honor of Puff and Twain – LPATWINTW 13 and 12 years, respectively)
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch break,
making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas,
and I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I master computer software
in one hour. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Yankees and Canadians. I am subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m
bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical
appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, a shrewd investor, and a ruthless bookie. Critics’ worldwide swoon over my original line of
corduroy golf wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won
weekend passes. I have mastered the compound mitre saw and faux-finish painting.

Last summer I toured Vermont with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I referee hockey. I run the mile in less than 4
minutes. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Senior citizens allow me to
assist them when crossing the street. Children trust me. I give to my church.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one
day and still had time to refurbish my entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in Ireland, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do
not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a
mouli and toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and
spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have escaped from a burning car on a heavily traveled interstate, and a commuter train that derailed underground. I have played
Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, I have flown jet fighters, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have yet to win the Waverly Invitational.

What Men Want

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Oh, wait, you misread it ….... please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
Seabiscuit and his owner celebrate.

Waverly Newsletter 2
News, Notes and Dirt
A few thoughts during a slow day at the office ……. It took me a while to adjust to the commercial free Masters broadcast, but once I
moved the TV into the bathroom, I was fine ……. There is only one Driving Iron in the world and it circulates among golfers like a
good rumor. 5-O had in the late 1990’s - now Cha-Ching has it in his possession ……. Growing old is mandatory, growing up is
optional ……. Here’s a visual to ponder - past Waverly invitee Rudy on Temptation Island ……. Another image to muse, any 2003
Waverly invitee on Survivor, wearing nothing but Abercrombie & Finch camouflaged shorts and an immunity necklace ……. Special
thanks to the Commish for his great organizational skills, Da Butcher for his great meals, 5-O for the embroidered golf shirts, and
everybody else that pitched in along the way to make the 2003 WI a success ……. For Father’s Day, I sat and watched the US Open
for seven hours, making a colossal ass groove in the couch cushion ……. In life, learn to love the journey, not only the destination
……. Best New Waverly Story - Marty at the car wash ……. What ever happened to “Super Fly” Jimmy Snucka? ……. From the
Terry Sortevik School of Verbal Swing Keys – At least two Waverly invitees, other than Terry, were asking where to drop their ball
before finishing their swing, and before their ball actually entered the pond ……. Best Waverly Moment - Brad wettin’ his nipples on
stage at Close Encounters ……. The greatest four words in golf swing self-analysis: “I found my swing.”……. A Google search on
“Waverly Invitational” now results in 3,090 website references……. Look at all the good in the world and try to give some of it back
……. Worst Waverly Moment - Observing Marty’s lap dance ……. Kudos to the rookie, great to have you with us this year.

Marty’s Future Job Interview (Edited following submission from Greg Poole)
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
four people who were equally qualified, one of which was Martin Kurlich. The office manager decided to call the four candidates in
and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the
way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened.
A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed."

As he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning
on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his
man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.

Turning to Marty, the office manager posed the question. "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest
thing known is diarrhea." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain," said Marty. "You see, the
other day I wasn't feeling so well, I had some rumblings in my stomach, so I went to the self service car wash. I got out of the car to
start the hose, but before I could think, blink or flip on the switch, I'd shit my pants!"

The Field, The Skinny

Commish - Gets his 3rd title. Given the field, winning this thing is like fighting to a draw with Dr. Ruth. He’s a definite +16 next year.
Swing Doc - (Metaphor Alert) Waverly bunny setups are right in his wheelhouse. When the dust settles, this dog is always huntin’.
Jersey Joe - Had the Mother of all Maalox Moments throughout the final round, from -7 to +4, but only down 1 place in the standings.
Puff - Still holding tag of LPATWINTW. Solid final round could be omen to getting the primate off his hindmost next year.
Gamer - Goes -1/+8/-1, the toilet seat posterboy (up & down like a …. - get it?). Has great clothes for that “just thrown together” look.
Legs - Former NBA Buffalo Braves ballboy was distracted by obsession to finish Chicken Soup for the Golfer’s Soul within 6 months.
Spike - His annual Waverly revelry was indeed spirited, but it wasn’t exactly la vida loca. Has he peaked? We hope not.
5-O - Because all the Waverly champs originate from the New York, he refers to the Ryder Cup as “Forget ‘Bout It vs. Y’All.”
The Butcher - Whiff in sandtrap cost him one spot on the leaderboard and about $15 in prize money - the hotel cost that 10 years ago.
Twain - Still on bubble as LPATWINTW. What are the chances he’ll ever win the Waverly? (Hint: Slim has left the room.)
Razor - Returning champion overcame 2003 handicap adjustment, but couldn’t handle the absence of favored butt-boy Woody.
Cha-Ching - The best rookie finish ever. At a more true +9 handicap, he would have finished in 6th place. Watch out next year.
Skull - Trying to find swing. Easier to stop a woman’s tears than watch his pre-shot routine. Call it a year of transition.
Chia - Was largely preoccupied with money-gathering, one-upmanship and cart bitch booty. Will handicap break 20 next year?
Farmer - The fight to not finish last wasn’t exactly Apollo Creed versus Rocky Balboa I, score it a TKO for Farmer by 7 strokes.
Smiley - Really drank the cool-aid to secure last place. L’affaire Tank for the Favorable Handicap is now under full investigation.

Next edition of The Waverly Newsletter: Winter 2004 – There’ll be more pictures!

Waverly Newsletter 3