The House.

EPISODE ONE
Opening sequence with opening Music: A fragment of "Under The Moon
Of Love", Credits.
Scene One.
INT: The Living Room.
Lucy, Gemma, Joe and George are sitting on one sofa that has seen
better days, they are all glaring at the telly. Lucy is happily chewing gum
whilst Gemma is fiddling with her nails. Joe is reading the newspaper
whilst George is stroking 'Wilfred' - the dog. Everyone is contented. The
camera pans across the sofa so we get a fair view of whats occuring.
The noise of the telly adds much needed sound to the background.
The doorbell interrupts everything. They hear it but chosse to ignore it. It
rings again.
JOE:
Is anyone going to get that?
The question is answered with grunts and groans so he stands up and
attends to the door. We hear him engage converstation with the
postman. He returns...
JOE:
It was Tobacco Tom, the postie. I pressume its something for you Lucy.
LUCY:
'Right. Can you put it on the table?
Joe moves deeper into the living room whilst...
LUCY:
And you pop the kettle on.
Joe is clearly the slave of the friendship group. He exits into the kitchen.
JOE [v/o]:
Who wants what?
GEORGE:
Coffee, and I want Nescafe not your Lidl crap.

JOE [v/o]
Coffee for George.
LUCY:
Tea, one sugar.
JOE [v/o]
Tea for Lucy. Gemma?
GEMMA:
Tea please, two sugars. Thanks.
And can you bring in the biscuits... thanks. And them chocolate wafers.
Ohh do we still have those tea cakes?
George and Lucy give Gemma a look.
GEORGE:
I thought you were dieting?
GEMMA:
I am.
LUCY:
Not that you need to diet, you're like an anorexic fly that is cake
retarded.
GEMMA:
Ok. (Shouts to Joe...) Forget the chocolate wafers.
LUCY:
Oh actually I'll have a chocolate wafer.
GEORGE:
Make my coffee extra frothy.
JOE [v/o]
Right.
Joe enters wearing Gemma's red and white polka dot apron. He is
holding a tray with the drinks on. Everyone laughs, barr Joe.

GEMMA:
What you doing with that on?!
JOE:
I didnt want to spill the drinks on me. I havent felt this much pressure
since I worked in Costa.
LUCY:
Oh yeah, you broke a record with that job didn't you Joe? lasting 2
weeks without arguing with a customer wasn't it.
JOE:
Haha.
GEORGE:
What was that beatles parody song they used to play all the time in
Costa again?
GEMMA:
Latte Be?
GEORGE:
Thats it
LUCY:
And 'Teas In Heaven'.
GEMMA:
Who sang that again?
LUCY, JOE and GEORGE:
Eric Clapton.
JOE:
Are Y' gonna take these drinks I feel like a right pillock.
They take the drinks, Joe sits back down - still wearing the apron. He
stands out. They sip in sync whilst watching TV.
GEORGE:
This tastes like mud.

LUCY:
Thats because it was ground a few minutes ago.
All laugh eccentrically. They stop laughing at the same time - this
creates an awkward atmosphere. SILENCE for a good few seconds.
Gemma chokes over a chocolate wafer. The others turn a blind eye to
this for about 10 seconds, until...
JOE:
Y'alright?
By this time Gemma is on all fours choking away.
SILENCE for a good 5 seconds whilst she is choking.
GEORGE:
I thought you werent going to have a chocolate wafer?
GEMMA:
George, im frigin choking here, can you shut up!
George gives the 'I am a wet blanket therefore cannot deal with a
women shouting at me' look.
LUCY:
How long has it been since you were on all fours again Gemma?
GEMMA:
Piss ORF.
Silence again. She regains normality.