Uber-Ride

__________________________

An 11 Page Play
By Ben Falvey

SCENE 1
Outside of a Holiday Inn at night. Ian, a 24 year
old sits on a bench dressed in a tan suit with a
blue tie. He is talking on his cell phone.
IAN
(into phone)
Ill be there pretty soon, JANE. Im trying out this new cab thing.
He sits, waiting for a short response before
looking a bit puzzled.
IAN
(into phone)
No that isnt it... its not Lyft its the other one. One second...
Ian pulls the phone down off of his ear and hits
the home button before nodding his head and
returning the phone.
IAN
(into phone)
Its Uber.
As Ian says this, we hear the sounds of tires
screeching loudly. CHARLIE, an old, but
energetic cab driver shabilly dressed in a t shirt
and jeans runs onto the stage with a steering
wheel. He puts it down, pretending to exit the
Car. He opens the Drivers Side Door and
moves over to IAN, who is staring at him quite
puzzled.
CHARLIE
(energetically)
HEY! HOW YA DOIN! MY NAME IS CHARLIE!
Charlie grabs IANs outretched hand and shakes
the hell out of it, knocking IAN out of his seat on
the bench.

2.
IAN
Hi, CHARLIE. Um.... Im IAN.
CHARLIE
Well, I hope so, sir! Otherwise youd be CHARLIE!
IAN
Right, man. Um...
CHARLIE
Oh, Im so sorry! I just get ahead of myself and I start getting going! I just... well, you
want to know a secret?
IAN
Not really...
CHARLIE
(doesnt skip a beat)
Im one of those people who LOVES their job! I just get so wrapped up in it! I really love
what I do, and you know what, thats what leads you to happiness in life. Thats what gets
you there. I mean...
IAN
CHARLIE, I dont mean to cut you off, man, but Ive sort of got to be at this wedding...
CHARLIE
Right you are sir! Well, lets get going.
CHARLIE motions as though hes opening the
back door for IAN, who looks at him confused,
and just walks normally to the position where the
seat could be. CHARLIE quickly runs back
around to the drivers side, pretends to open his
door and get in, and picks up the steering wheel.
CHARLIE (CONT.)
Oh KAY! Ready to go back there?
IAN stands staring at CHARLIE, wondering if
he is insane.
IAN
CHARLIE, are you insane?

3.
CHARLIE looks back at IAN, and appears
genuinely hurt.
CHARLIE
I... What?
IAN
Well, I mean, were not going to just walk the whole way there, are we?
CHARLIE starts to look really confused. He
turns around, still holding the steering wheel.
CHARLIE
Why would we walk when I have a perfectly good car? What, is it not good enough for
you?
IAN casually looks down and all around him, at
nothing. He points to the steering wheel.
IAN
Well, I mean, youre even holding the steering wheel in the wrong direction now.
CHARLIE legitimately doesnt understand.
IAN steps out and moves around the fake car
before stepping back into his spot.
CHARLIE
HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!?
IAN gives him an odd look.
CHARLIE faces forwards
IAN
Lets go then! If this damn thing is a car, lets go!
CHARLIE shrugs and turns around. Suddenly,
he and IAN begin moving forward at the same
speed. IAN begins to freak out.
IAN
WERE MOVING?

4.
CHARLIE turns back, smiling.
CHARLIE
WELL YEAH! DUH!
UNKNOWN (O.S.)
Make a right turn ahead.
IAN looks all around.
IAN
Where did that come from?
CHARLIE
What?
IAN
WHAT?!? You have an invisible GPS too?
CINDI (O.S.)
Did he just call me an invisible GPS?
IAN
WHOA! WHO SAID THAT?
CHARLIE turns around in disgust.
CHARLIE
You know, first you insult the cab, THEN you dont even say hello to my WIFE. THEN
you act like you cant see anything. What, did you pre-game before this wedding? How
much did you drink, man?
IAN
Look, man, this is all pretty incredible for me.
He reaches back and feels around for a seat, and
he takes it.
CHARLIE
You gunna be alright back there?
Charlie also sits down, so it looks like hes
driving normally.

5.
IAN
I have no idea.
SCENE 2
Ian sits in the back of the CAR looking out the
window. CHARLIE is still driving.
CHARLIE
(mid-sentence)
...they pay pretty well, and I mean, its in high demand.
IAN
Im sure. The kid behind the front desk was telling me that people are using it all of the
time now.
CHARLIE
Well, if it was all of the time, wed be getting a hell of a lot more business, thats for sure.
IAN
Yeah... yeah... so how did you get this magic car?
Charlie smiles and turns back.
CHARLIE
Havent the slightest idea what youre talking about, brother.
Ian sighs and looks out the drivers side window
in the back, towards the audience.
He points straight out.
IAN
What is that?
Charlie glances over.
CHARLIE
I think thats the Plum Beach Lighthouse... or is that the other one.... Its one of those. I
know one of my old teachers rented that place out for a weekend though.
IAN looks confused.

6.
IAN
Like..rented the lighthouse?
CHARLIE nods.
IAN (CONT)
This state is weird. You know that I couldnt get alcohol last night?
CHARLIE laughs.
CHARLIE
Well, you know. Theres a lot of great things in this state too.
CHARLIE puts his hand on the imaginary lap of
CINDI.
CINDI (O.S.)
Awww... that is so sweet.
IAN is clearly unnerved by the sound of
CINDIs disembodied voice.
IAN
Now thats a bridge.
CHARLIE nods and points to the left.
CHARLIE
Thats the Pell Bridge. It goes over to Newport.
IAN points behind them.
IAN
Didnt we just come over the bridge?
CHARLIE nods.
CHARLIE
Yeah, BUT that was the Jamestown Bridge, that gets you from South Kingstown and the
mainland to Jamestown.
CINDI (O.S.)
Then the Pell Bridge gets you from Jamestown to Newport, which is where youre going.

7.
CHARLIE makes an unhappy face.
CHARLIE
Honey, do you have the E-Z Pass?
CINDI makes noises as though she is going
through the glove compartment.
CINDI (O.S.)
AH! Here we go.
CHARLIE smiles. He grabs her imaginary hand
and moves it to the middle of the windshield. He
lets go and turns to IAN.
CHARLIE
The sticker fell off the back of the damn thing, so we have to hold it up when we go over
the bridge.
CINDI (O.S.)
Thats why he brings me along for the ride!
CHARLIE smiles and turns to CINDI.
CHARLIE
And thats what makes this the best job in the world.
He leans in and kisses her, much to IANs
confusion. IAN looks out his window again.
IAN
HA! Thats kind of funny.
CHARLIE
Whats that?
IAN
That sign over the town, it says, SLOTS. Hehehe. Thats kind of funny.
CHARLIE stops dead.
CHARLIE
Why?

8.
CINDI
Yes, IAN, Why?
IAN looks at CHARLIE, then at CINDI then at
CHARLIE again.
IAN
Shouldnt you be watching the road?
CHARLIE stops and slowly turns back around
to the steering wheel completely deadpan.
IAN sits back in his seat and gets really
nervous.
CHARLIE
OH! OH WAIT!
CHARLIE motions to nudge CINDI on the arm
a little bit.
CHARLIE (CONT)
BECAUSE IT SORT OF SOUNDS LIKE SLUTS!
CINDI begins cackling very loudly. She slows
down to a stop.
IAN
That is loud...
CHARLIE
Oh, Im sorry, sonny, but we havent had a good laugh like that in a long time.
IAN
CHARLIE?
CHARLIE
Yes?
IAN
Are you a ghost?
CHARLIE
No, son... YOU ARE.

9.
CINDI loudly begins to cackle, and the lighting
begins to shift, as though to be some sort of
spectral event. IAN begins screaming like a girl
and covering his head in the back seat.
CHARLIE begins laughing loudly, and suddenly
the lights stop.
CHARLIE is still laughing heartily. IAN peeks
his head out to see that there is no danger. He is
still scared.
CHARLIE
GHOSTS? Ghosts. No. No, were just a little old. Come on! We arent even that old! Im
38 for Christs sake.
IAN
Im sorry...
CINDI
Well you should be! Ghosts! Why Ive never heard anything so proposterous in my entire
life.
IAN
OK then.
CHARLIE
Ghosts...
CINDI
Its not his fault that hes not from around here.
IAN stares at them both, confused.
CHARLIE
Anyways, this whole area is just downtown Newport. Its got a ton of little shops for you
to check out before you come back.
IAN just sort of looks up at CHARLIE and then
out the window.
IAN
Yeah... yup...

10.
CINDI
Thats the RED Parrot, they have pretty decent burgers if youre in the mood.
CHARLIE
And THATs The Jane Pickens Theater, which is sort of a bit independent movie theater.
They get lots of good stuff there though.
IAN
Thats really.... Um... how long now?
CHARLIE just shakes his head.
CHARLIE
What, do you think Im not going to get you there?
IAN shrugs his shoulders and looks at
CHARLIE with concern.
CHARLIE laughs.
CHARLIE (CONT)
I havent missed a fair yet. Im the best at what I do!
CINDI
Youre the best at everything you do.
CHARLIE turns and kisses CINDIs imaginary
face.
CHARLIE
I love you snookum.
IAN stares out the window, begging for this to
be over. The novelty of the invisible car has worn
off in favor of a terrific amount of fear.
CHARLIE motions that he has hit the brakes and
puts the steering wheel on the seat next to him.
IAN looks around and realizes that he has made
it.
IAN
(enthusiastically)
OH, THANK GOD!

11.
CHARLIE
Ill be around the island with CINDI, so you just set the pick up and well be around.
IAN waves unenthusiastically.
IAN
Thanks, Charlie....bye, Cindi..
CINDI giggles as CHARLIE exits and IAN
approaches the party.
JANE
IAN!
IAN runs up and hugs JANE!
IAN
Are mom and dad here, too?
JANE
Yup. And they have no idea.
IAN
How did you guys manage that?
JANE
Well, you did show up LATE. Kind of makes it easy to make it seem like you wont show.
IAN smirks.
IAN
Well, I had an interesting cab ride over, so I guess the wait was worth it. Lets head in.
IAN and JANE exit the stage together.
THE END