2014 Spring Judicial Education Session

Overton Hotel & Conference Center | Lubbock, Texas

March 19-21, 2014
Thursday, March 20
2:45 p.m. 3:45 p.m.

11 THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO ANYONE (AND

HOW TO RESPOND IF SAID TO YOU): AN
ADVANCED LESSON IN VERBAL JUDO

Mr. Mark Warren

Training Consultant
Texas Association of
Counties

MARK WARREN

attended Texas A&M University and received a

Bachelor of Arts in Sociology from St. Edwards University in
1977. He also graduated from the 157th session of the FBI National
Academy in Quantico, Virginia. Warren was with the Texas
Department of Public Safety for 23 years, serving 19 of those years
in the training academy. He was its assistant commander from
1993 until his retirement in June of 2000. Warren is currently
training coordinator and consultant with the Texas Association of
Counties.

11 Things Never to Say to

Anyone
And How to Respond if said to You an
advanced lesson in Verbal Judo...
Presented by Mark Warren
Texas Association of Counties
March, 2014
www.county.org

Under stress, pressure or attack of any kind, we often react verbally without thinking. In a
reactive mode, we allow the other person to have a leverage advantage over our behavior, thereby
shifting power and control to them. This presentation is designed to give participants tangible
strategies for maintaining their traction in relationship, especially when it becomes negative.
Thats the real irony of the 11 things: in most of our daily lives, we are compelled to say some, if
not all of them. But, the seminal question is, how can we say the 11 things, when necessary,
differently?
By learning to convey these statements using different words, and from a different perspective, we
move toward a basic objective gaining cooperation and generating voluntary compliance
through empathic persuasion.
Resources and references that influenced this presentation include:
1.

Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion by Dr. George J. Thompson and Jerry B.
Jenkins, William Morrow and Company, New York, New York, 1993. Please discover more
about Verbal Judo by visiting www.verbaljudo.com

2. Games People Play The Psychology of Human Relationships by Dr. Eric Berne,
M.D., Grove Press, Inc., New York, New York, 1964.
In Dr. Thompsons early classes, he taught something called 22 Principles for Maintaining
Professional Disinterest (Under the Worst of Conditions). In other words, how to we maintain

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our interested but neutral, unbiased self when people are under the worst influences? Here are
some of my favorites:
Everyone has a good reason (in their mind) for doing what he or she does.
People care about knowing. Always set context.
Respond to people and behavior dont react.
Flexibility is strength. Rigidity is weakness.
The Golden Rule Treat others as you would want to be treated in identical
circumstances.
Consider the difference between respond and react, and remember to craft and use language
that achieves professional objectives and redirects negative behavior, not that punishes people or
hurts their feelings.

The Transactional Analysis Theory of

Resolving Conflict from Games People
Play by Dr. Eric Berne

In 1964, Dr. Eric Berne M.D. wrote Games People Play. The book put into pop culture his
theory of relationship, conflict and conflict resolution which he called Transactional Analysis. In
part and paraphrase, here is what he said about T.A.:
From time to time, people show noticeable changes in four specific aspects of behavior. They are
posture, voice, viewpoint and vocabulary. These changes along with shifts in feeling temporarily
create a new person in us, or what Berne called an ego state. These new people are a sort of
defense mechanism soldier to combat the effects of stress, pressure or attack against us. Those
new people or ego states have names and personalities that have been recognizable for years
parent, adult and child.
It is critical to remember that none of the 11 Things can be said more constructively unless we
are first, adulted. The parent or child ego states are designed to protect us from danger,
threat or deprivation. Parents fight and children flight. As a professional, neither of these natural
means of conflict resolution is appropriate. To engage and adult others, we must first be adults
ourselves.

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Parent, Adult and Child Characteristics:

Parent is _______________, uses ________________ and is______________. Their
postures are motivated by _________.
Child is ____________, uses _____________ and has_____________ thought process.
Their postures are motivated by ____________.
Adult is _________, _________, non - _____________, uses __________and generates
_________. Their postures are motivated by ________, _______, _______, _________, non________ and non - _________.

1. Come Here!
Ironically, this command usually translates
into go away or run as fast as you can!
Plenty of good police, parent, teacher, coach
and other authority examples.

Preferred restatement?
Excuse me, can we chat for a minute?, or
May I chat with you for a second?

Can we talk?
A moment of your time please?
Strategy? Give the other feeling of choice, but
implication is clear.

Since this command is vaguely threatening, its best to try to control your location for
encounters where you need to speak to someone so suddenly. Samurai warriors cautioned their
students to never let an opponent pick the fighting terrain. The reason was simple: those who
didnt choose found themselves with the sun in their eyes and/or on lose ground.
If someone with no authority asks you to come here, and doesnt seem to have legitimate
reasons, ask, Why? If you dont get a satisfactory answer, become a street person and run like
the devil. (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993).

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2. You Wouldnt Understand

This is insulting, because you can
almost hear the comma, stupid.

No harm in warning before you speak,

but dont condescend. Think:
Let me see, I hope I can explain this

Preferred restatement?

Please, let me try to explain, or

This may be a lot to understand

Strategy? Dont prejudge their ability by

your failures.

Theres no harm in warning people that what youre about to say is complicated, and that its OK
if they dont get it at first. You can even put the onus on yourself: I hope I can explain this Just
dont prejudge their ability to comprehend. And [certainly] dont whip them in advance for what
may be your failure to communicate (effectively). How true this one is and so easy to fall to when
were upset. We try to elevate ourselves out of a funk by making the other person (even one we
love) feel bad. This is a classic example of misattribution - a major relationship killer.
Misattribution is putting words, thought or feelings into someone else without their input or
permission - thinking for them. Its guaranteed to work, even though it takes time. And, its nearly
incurable.
If someone brushes you off with you wouldnt understand, insist Yes, I would; try me. I want
to help. (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)

3. Because Those Are The

Rules
Always set context - tell them why, or
provide a reason with book.
Preferred restatement?
Heres what needs to be done,
Heres why, and
If youll do your part, Ill do mine.

Strategy? If you can put the rules in

context, explain how they contribute to
everyones well-being, it might help save
face, and generate voluntary compliance.

This statement would make just about anybody want to throw up. But, if youre enforcing rules
that exist for good reasons, dont hesitate to explain them. Your audience might not agree, but at
least they will have been honored with an answer. (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993) One of the ways
we succeed in judo is to engage opponent and pull them close. Remember that it is leverage, not

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power, that gives us the advantage. Hitting someone over the head with those are the rules, pal
only pushes them away, making engagement much more difficult, if not impossible.
If all you can do is repeat that rules are rules and those are the rules, your listener knows youre
weak and cant support your order with logic. But, if you can put the rules or policies in context
and explain how they contribute to everyones well-being, you not only help people understand,
you help them save face. And, youre also much more likely to gain voluntary compliance.
If someone should bark this rigid statement to you, try saying could you please tell me why this
rule was created? It doesnt make sense to me, and if you could help me understand why it was
made, it would be much easier to follow. (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)

4. Its None Of Your Business

This is the slam-dunk of verbal abuse.
Usually said out of frustration or anger.
Preferred restatement? If truly noneya,
State this is not just me and you, it involves
others (people or policies). I dont have their
permission. I want to honor that - you
understand.

Strategy? Engage and elevate the other

to adult.

This phrase angers people because it brands them as outsiders and brusquely cuts them off. It
[tends] to make it seem [to the other person] that you dont have a good reason for answering
their question and that you have no power behind your position. (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)
Rather than saying, its none of your business, explain why the information cannot be revealed.
You can usually do this without revealing more that you want to. If its a confidential matter, say
why.
Finally, as a contact professional, - because they spend all day dealing with difficult behavior and
circumstances - you may in fact have the right to an answer. So, if someone should bark at you
that something is none of your business, and you disagree, gently but firmly point out, It is my
business, and heres why. (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)

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5.What Do You Want Me To Do

About It?
This cop-out is wrapped in sarcasm and
seen as evading responsibility.
One problem becomes two - How?

Preferred restatement? Offer to sort out

the issues, redirect to the proper source
and be empathic. Im sorry; wish I could
do more, but I cant.
Strategy? An apology gains an ally. No
one wants you to feel bad for whats not
your fault.

This question is a good sign that you are exasperated. Its often said by untrained sales clerks in
response to complaints, but its also heard among friends, spouses and co-workers at the ends of
their ropes.
When you say what do you want me to do about it? you can count on two problems: the one
you started with and the one you just created by appearing to duck responsibility. Rather, offer to
help sort out the problem and work toward a solution. Use empathy and tell them genuinely that
you dont blame them for being upset. That if the same thing happened to you, that youd be
upset too. Real human empathy not only is a characteristic of caring, but it helps stop someones
charge, and causes them to stop and think about what theyve said. It makes the other self-check
the legitimacy of their anger and frustration.
If someone should ask you what do you want me to do about it? start by explaining, I want
you to listen to me and help me. Then politely explain exactly how the person can help.
(Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)

6. Calm Down!
Like others, calm down is an invite to
accelerate!
Criticizes others behavior, and
communicates no right to be upset.
Preferred restatement?

Calm face and demeanor, eye contact, gentle

touch if appropriate and its going to be all
right. Talk to me. Whats the trouble? How can
I help?

Strategy? Reassurance that things will

improve. Give hope. Dont damage face.

This command flat doesnt work. In fact, it almost always makes people more upset. If youve ever
tried this on your friends or family, you know. Calm down! is criticism of peoples behavior and

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implies that they have no right to be upset. Rather than reassuring that things will improve which should be your goal - you have created a new problem. Not only is there the matter they
were upset about to begin with, but now they need to defend their reaction to you.
So, what about if someone should say this to you? Try saying look, Im obviously not calm [or,
Im upset and heres why] and there are reasons for it. Lets talk about them. That should open
the door for that person to help, but if he [or she] doesnt respond in a more meaningful way,
further discussion is probably unwise. And if youre not calm, its probably better to leave.
(Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)

7. Whats Your Problem?

Signals Me vs. you rather than us.
Reaction? Problem? Youre the problem!
Puts people into a child mentality, causing
defensive need to protect self.
Preferred restatement? Whats the matter?
How can I help? Tell me all about it.

Strategy? The word Problem is a

problem. No one wants to admit they
have a problem. The question makes
other feel like theyve already failed.

The problem with problem is that it makes people feel deficient or even helpless. The word can
transport them back to grade school where they felt misunderstood and underrated. Nobody likes
to admit he has a problem. People prefer to think of solutions. Whats your problem? makes
them feel as if theyve already failed. Rather, say whats the matter? [Or] How can I help? Then
you can start a real discussion of the issue. (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993) Dr. John Gray in Men
are From Mars, Woman are from Venus writes about what he calls the 4 most important
words. The 4 most important words a man can speak to a woman: How can I help? The 4 most
important words a woman can speak to a man? Its not your fault.

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8. You Never (or) You Always

Absolute generalizations are lies.
Creates survivalists with photographic
memories! Examples: You never call, or
youre always late!
Preferred restatement?
Take the burden - When you dont call, I feel
you dont care about me or my schedule.

Strategy? Dont make people more angry

and feel they cant ever please you.

Accusatory generalizations are rarely true and indicate that you have both lost perspective and
will soon lose the attention of your listener. Tell someone that he never listens to you and he will
either remind you that he has or he will be tempted to spitefully prove you right and ignore you.
You also can make him angry and leave him feeling there is no way he can ever please you.
(Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)
Take the burden and deflect the negative energy that is expended. When you dont call, or when
youre late, it makes it seem as though you dont think that my feelings (or schedule, etc) are not
important. Brilliant leverage building! And, it allows both to preserve face, the most powerful
motivator.
If someone uses such absolute phrasing to you, see if you can see his point. Say I know it seems
I never help out, because often, I dont. But lets talk about it. Is that the real issue or are you
upset about something else? (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)

9. Im Not Going To Say This

Again.
Usually a lie. What follows this statement?
The very thing you said you werent going to
repeat!
Preferred restatement? Its very important
that you understand this, so let me say it again.
Please listen carefully.

Strategy? This threat is a trap. If

youre really not going to repeat, youre
left with one option - action. Failure to
act = credibility loss!

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Again, the problem here is that youve just issued an ultimatum with this statement. You paint
yourself into a corner because youre frustrated, short and angry. The statement leaves you with
one option - action. If youre not prepared to act, then you lose credibility. Further, if you are
prepared to act, then youve just tipped your hand to an adversary allowing him to plan and
subvert you. Remember, judo is all about leverage, not power. Give up leverage, and you
ultimately lose power and influence over others.
If you need to emphasize the seriousness of your words, say, Its important that you understand
this, so let me say it again. And please listen carefully, or something very close to that. If
someone tells you Im not going to say this again, just answer with sincerity, Okay, I got it.
(Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)

10. Im Doing This For Your Own

Good.
Turns listener into cynic - Oh yeah - Ill
bet!
Preferred restatement? If truly beneficial
to other, show them. Offer reasons. Give
concrete, real world examples personal to
them (money, time, convenience, family and
face)
Strategy? If someone has something to
gain or lose, then you have something to
use.

If what you are doing really is for the other persons benefit, show him that. Offer reasons. Give
concrete examples of how his life will improve because of what youre doing. Just as I encourage
cops to tell perpetrators to surrender early so they dont have to spend the night in jail, away from
their own table and hot food and loved ones, there is a benefit that can be pointed to for anyone
youre trying to encourage to do something - for his own good. (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)
Remember, this strategy isnt just for someone who has something(s) to lose, but also
something(s) to gain. Use empathy (I understand or I dont blame you) and point out that
youre just trying to be helpful, trying not to take up too much of their time and inconvenience
them anymore that necessary. In other words, if they are not responding to what they have to
lose, they will almost certainly be moved by what they stand to gain. Everyone wants to know
whats in it for them! Sometimes carrot, and sometimes stick but, mostly carrot.

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11. Why Dont You Be

Reasonable?
In any relationship, this may be the most
inflammatory statement.
No one thinks they are unreasonable. They have
a perfect reason for behavior!
Preferred restatement? Use paraphrase: Let
me see if I understand your position.

Strategy? This helps reconnect contact

and refocus energy. Paraphrasing helps
the other see their own perspective,
absorbs tension and makes them feel
your support.

One great human truth is that everyone thinks they are normal, but its all these others fools
that have the problem. What cant people be more like me? Or, as Professor Henry Higgins
exasperatedly asked toward the end of the classic play then film My Fair Lady, why cant a
woman be like me?
If youre hit with this type of resistance, allow the person to become more reasonable by being
more reasonable with them. Use the language of reassurance and use paraphrase by saying
something like Let me see if I understand your position, and then paraphrasing their own
words. Paraphrase is a necessary back-up system to communication where you take the other
persons meaning, put it into your own words, and then hand it back to them for verification.
What to do if someone asks you Why dont you be more reasonable? force yourself to slow
down. Take a deep breath and in a slow, thoughtful, non-threatening voice, say, Im being as
reasonable as I know how, and with any luck, Ill get better. But apparently, I see the issue
differently than you do. You have deflected the attempt to put you down without further
antagonizing the person. (Thompson and Jenkins, 1993)

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