Ebola the Musical

Act I Scene 1
(The stage opens to a group of school kids aged between 12-18.
Additionally, there are some citizens of Tennessee sitting in the
audience, others standing in the aisles talking)
White Girl 1
Omigod, have you heard of ebola?
Omigod, yes.

White Girl 2
What if its the next apocalypse.
plaid skirts?

Like the holocaust or

White Girl 1
Come on, there is no way this can happen to us, were too pretty.
(In the audience, one man is talking another)
Man 1
Steve, have you seen the news? Ebola is spreading from Africa. It
must be because we all voted for Obama. Sure, once to prove we arent
racist, but twice is more black than this country needs.
Steve
Ebola? Is it dangerous?
MAN 1
Apparently it causes you to bleed out of your eyes
Steve
(To himself). Damn, now I have no excuse to come out of the closet.
(Back on stage, the school children are seated. MAN 1 walks and takes
his seat in the audience. Steve walks up onto the stage to teach his
students.
Steve
Well hello, class. I have a bit of disturbing news.
Student 1
Come on, we all know Nicki Minaj had work done.
Steve
No, thats no news. I mean theres a dangerous virus among us called
ebola. (Anxiety builds). My friend told me all about it. First, your
eyes start to bleed. Then, suddenly, all your hair falls out followed
by hallucinations.
Student 2
Is all of that true?

Steve
Probably.
Student 3
Oh no were all going to die!
Student 2
Hide yo kids! Hide yo wife!
Student 1
Where is ebola now?
Steve
Southern and Central Africa
(All students quickly stop caring when they discover its just in
Africa. The stage settles down)
Steve
Guys, this is serious probably only if someone is stupid enough to
go to Africa at this time.
Student 1
Come on, its not like it can hurt you. Ive had AIDs ever since I
woke up naked and stranded in Vegas and they dont bother me.
Steve
Oh, but ebola is much, much worse than AIDs!
Worse than AIDS
Act I Scene 2
(Aaron and Tommy, two boys aged around 21 arrive in Africa. The stage
is empty. Wally is trailing behind them off stage right.)
Aaron
Well, that plane ride was not quite as I expected it. I threw up,
like, 6 times due to turbulence landed and the bag of peanuts had
maggots in it.
Tommy
Nah, I fly American Airline all the time. That experience sounds about
right.
(Wally enters)
Wally
Well that doesnt matter, Tommy and Aaron, because were in the most
miserable place on earth, Africa! I cant wait to apply for jobs and
write on AwkwardStageAfterTeenButStillTechnicallyanAdultPeopleMeet.com
that I helped people in Africa.
Aaron
Thats the only reason youre doing this?

Tommy
Wait.. you said we were going to Disney. Now what am I supposed to do
with my Lion King doll?
Wally
Well, you see, boys, itll be easy. We just go in, say fancy words to
them like irrigation, give them a few buckets of water then were out.
For now, lets enjoy our field trip to Africa.
Field Trip to Africa
(In this song, Wally, Tommy and Aaron meet the African villagers.
They exit stage left for about 2 seconds, then return with their
clothes torn up and their hair messy. Wally sniffs a scarf deeply
before he leaves which gives them ebola.)
Act I Scene 3
(Wally is in his bedroom, tired from a long week in Africa.
talking to Tommy on the phone.)

He is

Wally
No, Tommy, I don't know how it works I dont know, ask God Well she
came from South Africa Ugh, Well, maybe they just wanted Lindsay
Lohan because shes a good actress No, this was before all the drugs
How do you expect me to know how Cady is white if shes from Africa
Oh my God, Tommy you cant just ask people why theyre white. (hangs
up)
Wally
Oh, ever since I went to Africa, I felt so sick. I mean, all those
girls said they didnt have AIDs. Wait.. they cant speak English
Ever since I deeply inhaled the scarf of the lady who just died of
some mysterious plague like sickness along with the rest of her tribe
I havent been feeling like myself. Oh well, I suppose its nothing
too serious. (falls asleep)
(Stage lights dim, and Wallys bed is pushed up stage. He coughs while
tossing and turning in bed)
Wally
No No Noooooo!
Satans New Disease
(Satan, a middle aged woman and Jesus, a teenage boy appear in Wallys
dream and discuss ebola)
Wally
(Quickly sits up in bed). Oh Jesus! It may have just been a dream, but
I think I get it. Its not AIDs, its worse than that. I have must
ebola.

Worse than AIDs (reprise)

Act I Scene 3
(At the hospital the next day, doctors, nurses, and patients busily
move around the stage. Wally enters from stage right)
Wally
Hello, maam. Can I see Doctor Fargo, please?
(Two secretaries, who were previously sitting with their backs to the
audience turn around in the chair to reveal they are the same two
white girls at the opening of the musical)
White Girl 1
Did you, like, make an appointment?
Oh, no.

Wally
This is kind of important.

White Girl 2
Well actually, you, like, came at the wrong time. Doctor Fargo is in
the middle of surgery
Dr. Fargo
(Crossing from stage left casually) Emily, Katie, Im going to lunch
now. Turns out actual surgery is nothing like the game operation.
Just put him in the room with the others and tell the family we lost
him.
White Girl 1
Oh My God! (Long pause). Was he cute?
White Girl 2
Emily, why dont you go check, Im going to re-apply my lip gloss.
(Both White Girls head into the audience. Dr. Fargo starts to leave
stage right, but Wally stops him.)
Wally
Doctor, this is serious!

What is it?

Dr. Fargo
If youre with the police, no, I have no idea who forged
my diploma from Med. School
Wally
What? No. I mean Im sick.
Dr. Fargo

What do you want from me, kid?

Wally
Doctor, I think I have a terrible disease.
Oh, I didnt know you were serious, son.

Do you know what it is?

Wally
Yes I do. I have ebola.
Dr. Fargo
(laughing) Oh,kid youre just hysterical.
camera shows?

Is this one of them hidden

Wally
Huh?
Dr. Fargo
(Still laughing) Come on, you know that ebola is just a joke. Kids
today would cough once and then diagnose themselves with ebola. Hey,
maybe I have ebola too? After all I did sneeze on that other patient
earlier. Haha, go home, kid.
(Dr. Fargo exits into the audience still laughing, until he coughs and
chokes)
Patricia
Um Sir Can I help you?
(Wally turns around to see Patricia, being absolutely stunned by her
beauty)
Wally
Why yes lady girl totally I think yes maybe I think ha.
Patricia
Uh, okay? What seems to be the problem?
Wally
I believe Im having a bit of a fever. After all, seeing you here, I
might have a love fever.
Patricia
Oh if I had a nickel for every time I heard that in this hospital, Id
have well about 15 cents.
Wally
Well my name is Wally.

And you?

Patricia
Its patricia. I come from up North in Connecticut. I graduated from
the University of Florida a few years ago and my favorite--

Wally
Save it Patty, I just want to get into your hospital scrubs.
Patricia
Huh?
Wally
What do you say about you and me going on a date later on?
Patricia
Why, I hardly know you, but thatll be lovely.
at Monells?
Sounds lovely, my princess.

Do you want to meet up

Wally
Ill see you there.
paying bye!

(quickly) Youre

Act I Scene 4
(There is a table set center stage with four other tables around them.
Two waiters go from table to table taking orders. Patricia is waiting
at the center table for Wally anxiously checking her watch. Wally
enters from stage right.)
Wally
Hey, Mackenzie
Patricia
Uh Patricia?
Wally
No, my name is Wally.
Waiter
(Monotone and lifeless) Welcome to Monells may I take your order?
Wally
Oh yes. What do you recommend?
Waiter
Leaving.
Patricia
We will just have two steaks please, Jeff
Oh look at that.

Waiter
Patricia finally came here with someone other than
her parents.

(Waiter exits stage left)

Patricia
Well, Wally, its nice to meet you.
Yeah me too.

Wally
Can we just fast forward through all this foreplay?
Patricia
Wally!

Wally
Oh, Im just kidding, Penny. This is fun, being here with you.
(Wallys phone rings) Hang on a second.
Wally
Hello? Sorry who is this?
Jesus
(Jesus voice is coming from the catwalk)
Wally
Jesus? Okay, fine, I admit it.

This is Jesus

I did kill that nun.

Satan
(Satans voice is coming from the pit) Listen, Bieber, I got you
Selena, now its your turn to repay me.
Jesus
Satan!
Satan
Damn, wrong number.
Well anyway.

Jesus
Im calling because you need to tell Patricia that you
have ebola.
Wally
Do you mean Paisley?

Jesus
Oh my, youre almost as dumb as that Tommy kid.
I cant tell her.

Wally
Look at her, shes so pretty.
even if I do have ebola.

I love her, Jesus,

Jesus
This is how STDs spread. Wally if you dont tell her, this could
spread even more than it already is.
Wally

Id rather the whole world die out and have to two of us remain than
to lose her.
Love from a Heart of Ebola
(In this song, Jesus and Satan leave and Wally and Patricia sing about
their love. Wally hints that he has ebola, but Patricia doesnt catch
on)
Patricia, Jesus is right.

Wally
I have to tell you something.

(Tommy and Aaron enter stage left with the police.

both look very sick.)

Tommy and Aaron

Aaron
There he is, with that girl.
Police Man
Sir, we have reports of you spreading ebola
Ebola?

Patricia
Aaron, is there something you are hiding from me?

Aaron
Thats right. Wally has ebola. He gave it to me and Tommy, and Im
sure youre next.
I pee blood now.

Tommy
Its like Im on my period.

Wally, youre coming with me.

Thanks, Wally.

Police Man
We have a special little room just for
you.

Wally
You cant do that! At least let my say goodbye to Patricia.
Patricia
Wally. Save it. Im going home
(Patricia exits into the audience crying)
Police Man
Lets go, Wally.
(Wally submits and lets himself be dragged away off stage right.)
Act I Scene 5
(The stage is completely empty except for upstage right where a large
quarantine is set up. Three people are inside it: Wally, Oprah, and
Daquanaquando. One bench is set up inside the quarantine.)

In My Quarantine
Oprah
Honey, do you want to talk about it?
Wally
No. For once, I don't think talking with Oprah will help.
did you get ebola anyway?

Wait, how

Oprah
Well lets just say I have a whole different life behind the cameras.
Also, Im not banned from Africa
Wally
How about you, Daquanaquando?
Daquanaquando
Well, I was driving home from my job at Stop and Shop so support my
family. But the cops pulled me over for being black. Of course, I
did have a gun with me, but Im no savage. I wasnt planning on
shooting any women or children. Well any women at least. Im into
some real crazy shit. My cell mates had ebola, so I accidently dropped
the soap and now Im here. Im here for being black.
Wally
Well, you shot multiple children when they were coming home from
school.
Daquanaquando
You racist, boy? because I can bitchslap you until youre colorblind.
Wally
Sorry, sir.
Oprah
Well, why are you here?
Wally
Well, apparently I gave ebola to my friends, and Im highly
contagious.
Oprah
Well dont worry, Wally.

You have us.

Wally
I may have you, but I certainly dont have Patricia
Love From a Heart of Ebola (reprise)
End of Act I

Act II Scene 1
Spreading Fast
(This song is mostly as follows, with added choruses)
(The auditorium is black. Sound can be heard in the darkness.
audience, actors, including those playing the white girls, the
students, and citizens of Tennessee are sitting in chairs next
those attending the musical. They are coughing and gagging in
darkness. Sarah Merrigolds voice is heard. She stands center
in the dark.)

In the
doctor,
to
the
stage

Sarah Merrigold
Hello, citizens. Breaking news channel four. Riots are rising in
Texas over gun control, gay marriage, Obama, circumcision,euthanasia,
slavery, the death penalty, illegal immigration, the Newsboy Strike of
1899, and Judaism.
(The house lights turn on to reveal the sick actors in the audience)
Sarah Merrigold

Additionally we have a new silent killer plaguing the nation and were
not talking about cholesterol. Here we have a victim suffering from
Ebola. How did you get this disease?
(Sarah Merrigold walks into the audience to talk to Victim 1.)
Victim 1
Well I woke up to get me a cold pop, and I thought someone was
barbecuing. It was my neighbor Raymond and damn he looked sexy
barbecuing that shit up. I said oh Lord Jesus theres a fire! So we
took it up to the his bedroom and then he got to me. I got ebola! I
asked him if he wore a condom after I got some symptoms and he told
me, Aint nobody got time for that!
Sarah Merrigold
Very interesting maam. Who else has ebola?
(Sarah walks up to a spectator in the audience)
Sarah Merrigold
Well hello. Do you care to tell our viewers about your case of ebola?
I had no idea ebola could affect ones face like that. Oh wait! You
dont have ebola, youre just ugly! Sorry!
(Sarah walks up to Victim 2.)

Victim 2
Africa Much cold Very sweat I didnt mean to disappoint you,
father. Im trying the best I can, chemistry is hard. It was him!
Him and his negroes!
(For the first time in Act II the stage is visible. One single
spotlight shows Wally, Oprah, and Daquanaquando in their quarantine
all in miserable (yet comfortable and not theatrical in the least)
poses to show their pain.)
Victim 2
Wally Wally He did this to me. Field trip The voices tell me it
was a field trip. I HAVE MAGGOTS IN MY SCROTUM AND EVERYWHERE ELSE.
Sarah Merrigold
Thank you, stranger. I dont understand any of that, but lets hear
from one more victim before we head to sports.
(Sarah walks up to Victim 3)
Sarah Merrigold
Hello, would you like to talk to the camera?

Victim 3
My mom tells me I shouldnt talk to strange adults. Thats how I got
ebola in the first place. I knew Pastor James hated me, but I did not
expect his bodily fluids in my holy water.
Sarah Merrigold
You heard it here, folks, ebola is quickly killing off our good
American people.
Victim 3
Apparently, every country is now affected by ebola.
Sarah Merrigold
Quiet, little communist, its Sarah time. Anyway, we are still unsure
about who caused this rapid spread of ebola. But for now, be careful.
Ebola may be airborne, and 50% of the United States currently show
symptoms.
Act II Scene 2
(Back in the quarantine on a fully lit stage).
Wally
Well, its been 21 days.

It is center stage.)

Can we leave yet?

Oprah
I tried to bribe the state of Tennessee with new cars, but not even
that will do.
Daquanaquando
Last time I went to jail for busting a cap at a church, I was treated
better than we are here. I have a membership there.
Oprah
Come on, now, I miss my five secret husbands.
Wally
Oh yeah, well my girlfriend wont even talk to me.
at dinner.

I was such a jerk

Oprah
If its any help to you, you guys can appear on my show once we get
out of here.
Wally
That doesnt help me much. Wait a minute, Oprah! I know what we can
do! After we leave we can tell the whole world about ebola, and maybe
theyll let us go.
Oprah

My, that might just work!

Wally
Daquanaquando? Will you make sure we can get to the television
station before any police can get to us?
Daquanaquando
Ill cut them!
Oh, I feel so alive.

Oprah
This is more exciting than when I smoked Kanyes
weed.

Daquanaquando
You two go, make sure the world knows. Ill be right behind you doing
what I do best: running from the cops and fulfilling the blacks
stereotype
Not Just for Blacks Anymore
(In this song, Wally and Oprah escape together and Daquanaquando kills
three policemen.)
(Oprah and Wally exit stage left leaving Daquanaquando in the
quarantine.)
Act II Scene 3
(Many producers, cameramen, etc., are busily walking around the stage,
similar to scene 3. Oprah and Wally are on the set of the Oprah show.
They enter from stage right, Wally being visibly unsettled.)
Oprah
Here we are, heres where my show is shot.
Wally
Speaking of being shot, did you see what Daquanaquando did to that
man?
We dont have time for that.

Oprah
Arent you excited to see where all this
magic happens?

Wally
Well, to be honest, I never really watched the Oprah show.
Oprah
If we werent working together I would spit on you so hard right now.
(Oprahs assistant walks up to her with a note.)
Assistant
Ms. Oprah, I have a note for you.

(Assistant hands the note to Oprah and she reads it)

Oprah
Ugh, its from that bitch Ellen. Probably bragging about her show
again.
Assistant
One more thing, before you go on today. You may not know this, but
during your three weeks in the quarantine, approximately half of the
world has died of ebola, and its increasing at an alarming rate.
Oh no.

Oprah
I know my ratings have gone down, but I didnt know it was by
this much.
Wally
Come on, Oprah, lets tell the world.

Black Plague, Part II

(In this song, Wally, Oprah, assistant, and the ebola victims inform
the world about the dangers of ebola)
Act II Scene 4
(At Patricias house, she is crying, eating 4 gallons of different
flavor ice cream, and lying on the couch with blankets on top of her
watching tv. Her mom is in the other room off stage right)
Patricias Mom
Patty! I made you lasagna
Patricia
I dont want your lasagna.

I want love.

Patricias Mom
But I prepared it with love.
Patricia
Spitting in my food is not making it with love. By the way, you can
stop highlighting apartment ads in the newspaper, I get it.
Patricias Mom
Well if you change your mind, do it fast because Im probably going to
eat the entire lasagna, throw it up and almost overdose.
Mother! (sits up)

Patricia
We were supposed to do that together!

(The TV show is now being heard by the audience, and those on the TV
screen are located all the way down stage left)

Oprahs Assistant
You thought she was pregnant, you though she took a vacation, you
thought she was tied up in an abandon suburban house being whipped
mercilessly by Bill Cosby, but only one of those three are true!
Thats right folks, heres Oprah!
Oprah
Hello everybody, Im back!
Black Plague, Part II (Reprise)
(The song Black Plague is sung, repeated exactly as in Black Plague,
Part II. The only difference is that Patricia as the remote to it and
can pause the scene.)
Patricias Mom
Holy fuck! Im so fat! Why did I eat all this? I meant to have only
one square (throws up).
Patricia
Mom, quiet down Im watching Oprah.
Patricias Mom
(Crying) Whos she on with?
Patricia
Um... Oh my God, thats my ex boyfriend!
Patricias Mom
The one who left you for a 13-year-old?
Patricia
No, Wally.
Patricias Mom
The one who turned out to be a girl, the one who shot 7 old ladies at
a Wii Bowling tournament, or the one with a fatal disease?
Patricia
Mom!
(Black Plague, Part II (Reprise) ends here)
Patricia (Cond)
Its my Wally, mom. The Wally that I love. He may have ebola, but,
hey, most everyone has ebola now. Plus the population is halved now,
so we both have to lower our standards
Loving From the Inside Out

(Patricia rises from her couch, pulls off her pajamas to reveal a
bright pink (short and suggestive) dress. She heads off stage left to
the Oprah Show and sees Wally (entering from stage right). Wally is
happy to see her and there is much kissing.)

Act II Scene 5
(The lighting dims. Patricia and Wally stand alone on the Oprah show
stage. Patricia coughs violently)
Wally
Patricia, are you okay?
Patricia
(Sarcastically) No, Wally, Im fucking fine! Ignore my heavy breathing
and my coughing out blood! My lord, its like a period out of my
mouth!
Wally
Oh, okay, well, lets get you out to the hospital.
(Patricia hugs wally.

The auditorium becomes black)

Act II Scene 6
(In the hospital. It is still black. The beeping of a heart monitor
is heard through the darkness. Patricia is lying on a bed center
stage with Wally holding her hand. The lights come on.)
Wally
Patricia, youre fine. You will be just fine.
Wally.

Patricia
I never stopped loving you.

Wally
Its not fair. Why did ebola have to strike us? Why cant it stay in
Africa where it belongs?
Patricia
Well, to be fair, youre the one who infected most of the United
States.
Wally
Yeah you can stop bitching at me, youre about to die anyway.
Patricia
Wally!

Wally
Im sorry. Im also sorry I gave you ebola by kissing you. But its
okay, I mean, were both going to die soon and love each other forever
in heaven.
(Satan appears upstage left lying awkwardly on waiting room chairs.
Satan
Think again.
Patricia
Just know that I love you. Even though you in a way murdered the
entire country including the president leading to political corruption
and the downfall of this country. Wally
Love From a Heart of Ebola (Reprise 2)
(Patricia: I gave my heart to you
Wally: and you took mine
Patricia: Its love from a heart of ebola
which is causing me to die)
Wally
It cant end like this. You must live. All this equipment keeping
you alive- its all you need. We can still live together, you dont
have to die
Oh, Wally, youre the best.

You can.

Patricia
I feel like I can finally be open with
you.
Wally
You can trust me.

Patricia
Well, you know that one night a little while ago?

Yeah Im pregnant

Wally
Oh.
(Wally pulls the plug stopping the medical equipment keeping Patricia
alive. Patricia is dead.)
Wally
I tripped.
Finale
(The ensemble comes into the hospital singing about AIDS and how
terrible it is. Those in the audience encourage actual audience
members to sing and dance along with them. Wally gets over Patricia
fairly quickly.)

Act II Scene 7
The year is 2017. The world has recovered from ebola. The population
is at a low and the United States has fallen. Africa is the new
superpower of the world. Two survivors of ebola are walking in Africa)
White Girl 1
It is the cutest new place ever!
White Girl 2
They cleaned the whole place up after they threatened the rest of the
world with ebola. Theyre the only country immune to it.
White Girl 1
What can go wrong on our new field trip?
Field Trip to Africa (Reprise)
End of Act II