Hello, my name is Tom, but you already knew that.

This speech is about my trip to the moon, which

occurred in about 10 years time.
Firstly, when I told my parents, they didnt seem too happy. They didnt know whether or not
itd be safe - 48 hours hurtling at 10G towards a large natural satellite bombarded with hundreds of
meteors everyday seemed to be my parents perfect embodiment of unsafe.
Anyway, launch day came and my parents agreed to let me go in the one condition that I bring
them back a souvenir. Well Ill tell you now: I forgot about that. As 300 hundred other people
struggled to put their hand luggage in the overhead compartment, the captain and I took our seats in
the cockpit, with our suitcases tucked neatly beneath our seats.
3... 2... 1... Blast Off! The rocket left the launch pad and 302 people took off on a two-way allinclusive round trip to the moon. Itd be another 2 days before we saw Earth again, and even then itd
be from 384 thousand 403 kilometres out in space.
Everything was going well, until about halfway through the journey. Its the most annoying bit
of space flight, but they still insist on doing passport control once youve left the atmosphere. Its
where American territory starts. We all got our passports out - that is, all apart from poor Alex in seat
D3 - she forgot hers. We gave her the usual talk about Virgin Airlines being very liberal about this
kind of thing then simply jettisoned her back to Earth. We gave her a parachute, of course, but they
normally burn up on re-entry. Waste of parachutes, I say.
Once we had entered America, we took a short detour around the world. And when I say short,
I mean 5 hours. 5 hours of annoying children screaming Hey mom, look mom, mom? mom? look! I
can see the Earth. The only problem is, they more often than not pointed Venus. Thats 5 hours Im
never getting back.
After all that, we finally arrived on the moon. For all the hype and the billions of tourists that
go every year, there really isnt much to see. The only interesting things are the gang fights and the
high crime rates that go hand-in-hand with an area that doesnt have any respectable police force - or
any police force for that matter. And dont get me started on the illegal exports. Do you know how
many people think they can just take a rock from the moon? They dont seem to realise theres
paperwork, customs, V.A.T, not to mention the Local Councils permission to acquire.
Whats even more annoying is the amount of people that think they can get signal on their
phones. You get people running, jumping, twirling, or any other irrational movement in a vain attempt
to gain signal. But the most idiotic thing is they see everyone else doing it too, and still keep on doing
it!
After the what-felt-like countless hours of looting, robbing, snatching, appropriating, and just plain
stealing , we got back on the spaceship. All 252 of us. Dont ask me what happened to the others, you
dont want to know.
The flight was basically the same, only the children were bored and the parents tired. Dont get
me wrong - it didnt stop the infuriating screams from wife to husband and child to parent that tend to
go with 48 hours cooped up together. If anything, it was probably worse on the way back
Any Questions?