Why did I meet the love of my life too late?

THE SEX ADVISOR By Eppy Halili Gochangco (The Philippine Star) | Updated May 20, 2014
- 12:00am
googleplus
DEAR EPPY,
I am in my early 40s, married to a simple woman 10 years my junior, and we have three
children. I am currently working as a manager of a multinational corporation. We live a
relatively middle-class lifestyle, with a house, family car, occasional vacations, and a good
standing in society. My wife is a good woman, though quite simple-minded, not intellectually
stimulating, and is only so-so in bed. As a homemaker, she is satisfactory. Many times, I catch
myself scolding her when she uses old wives tales and antiquated beliefs in raising our children.
Of course, I cant blame her as she is a simple probinsyana whom I married out of convenience.
I got married at 30 because I felt it was about time to start a family, especially as I had been
doing quite well in my career. She kept house and bore me children. Thats what I needed or
so I thought.
The root of my problem stemmed from four years ago. A new manager named Rosa joined our
company and was an asset to our office. As a manager, she instilled discipline yet inspired her
team. We, her fellow managers, love that she is such a team player. In and out of the office, she
is wonderful to have around. On top of that, she has a very well-maintained physique, is
intellectually stimulating. and charming. I believe in my heart she is the perfect life companion.
Thats when I realized that I never felt this way before. I believe she is my soul mate. Yet, for
the sake of my moral beliefs, I did not make any romantic overtures towards her. Neither did she
exhibit anything but a platonic and sincere friendship.
She got married to a director of our sister company. I hardly saw Rosa after work as she would
be busy with her new life, her new house. I miss her terribly. I remember stealing glances at her
when she was not looking. I was jealous of her husband because I wanted the life he was
enjoying, filled with nice, adventurous vacations, an upscale lifestyle, and especially Rosa.
Because of this, I sank into depression. I thought my life was perfect because I made all the right
choices being gainfully employed, getting promoted, marrying at the right age, buying a
house, having children.
They say having children will fulfill you, but why dont I feel this way? My children are distant,
always busy with their gadgets, their endless activities, and all their friends. I am surrounded by
people but so lonely and frustrated. Why did this happen? I followed the rules of society yet I
feel resentful of my decisions. Why did I meet the love of my life too late?
Lifestyle Feature ( Article MRec ), pagematch: 1, sectionmatch:
STUCK WHERE THE GRASS IS LESS GREEN

DEAR STUCK WHERE THE GRASS IS LESS GREEN,

I bet some of those who are married also wonder and ask, Why did I meet the love of my life
too late? This sentiment has been a theme of some songs and movies. For instance, you have
the song Terminal, written and sang by Rupert Holmes in 1974. The song starts with, Ive come
back this morning where I first came alive. It obviously reflects the way you write about your
life. Especially so, in the middle of the song which says, You awoke the sleep of my life from
gray into red. The man in the song commutes to work every day seemingly with a boring life.
Then like you, with your morals, it is followed by, But I had to get home to the kids and the
wife, as if they are such a burden. Yet, he went back home and did what he thought was the
right thing to do.
People go through life with their baggages and issues. They need to resolve these issues. But
along the way, some people, if not most people, get sidetracked into ignoring these issues.
Unconsciously or subconsciously, they use marriage as a tool to sidetrack themselves. Marriage
is the best tool these people can get their hands on because now they perceive themselves as
being imprisoned in it and they now blame everything on their spouses. They blame their spouse
for whatever they feel they lack in. They look at all the faults of their spouse and blame them for
their boring lives.
You have a nice romantic sad story in your hands. However, it betrays how you think. You
acknowledge all the good things in your life but you half-heartedly do so. You are the guy who
sees the glass half empty. You see things negatively. It is sad that you even blame your children
for your sad life. Your story is not about Rosa being fantastic and your wife and children as
being the worst family in the world. It is not about your wife being a probinsyana (provincial
lass). It is not about you having neglectful children.
Your story is about you being neglectful to your family. If you plant seeds of thorn bushes, dont
expect to have sunflowers in your garden. You may have made life materially comfortable for
your children, but how can children be neglectful if their parents are loving, kind, compassionate,
and attentive? Children will always give back what is given them. Therefore, the amount of
attention you give them is the amount of attention they give back. The amount of pain you send
them is the same amount of pain they will send you.
It is about you being a manager and not the director of a company. It is about you feeling you
need to be someone else but are not. It is about you feeling you lack in abilities and success
when you dont have to feel that way.
Appreciate whats there. Your wife has her good qualities. Focus on those good qualities, not
her bad ones. Focus on what you love most about yourself, not on the things that you think you
lack. Focus on what you have already received from the world, not on what you think you did
not receive from the world. In summary, stop thinking in a negative
way.
EPPY
***