Puss In

Boots
By

Lorraine Mason

Puss In Boots
Copyright 2011 by Lorraine Mason
Characters:
Fairy Poppins - A prim and proper fairy
Puss - A very clever cat
Patty Cake - The baker dame
Hickory - His father owned the mill
Dickory - His brother
Jack - Hickory and Dickorys younger brother and principle boy
Roger - The pantomime donkey
Franz - The Fearsome Ogre. The villain with a German accent
Gunther - Franzs silent henchman.
King Vincent - A jolly monarch
Princess Rose - King Vincents beautiful daughter
Royal Guards 1 & 2
Chorus - Harvesters, Villagers and Shadow creatures
Wolf
Deer

Puss In Boots
Act 1:
Prologue:
(Spotlight on front of closed tabs. Light fairy music is played as Fairy Poppins "floats" on to
the stage, holding an open umbrella and a carpet bag containing a small bottle.)
Fairy:
(Closing the umbrella) Hello everyone, I'm Fairy Poppins, a practically perfect
fairy in every way. Welcome to our Pantomime and prepare to be delighted with magic and
mayhem. I must say, I'm very pleased to meet you all but I have some very bad news. Over in
The Great Red Castle, just the other side of Streatham, lives a terribly ferocious Ogre called Franz
who is wreaking havoc and terrorizing everyone throughout the land. To make matters worse he
has stolen my magic wand. Oh, he can't do any harm with it - he doesn't know any magic words,
but without my wand, I am powerless to stop him - perhaps I am only practically perfect in most
ways. He has already taken over most of the farmlands around here, all except the mill where
Hickory, Dickory and Jack live. I fear that it won't be long before that ogre forces those three
brothers out of their home. The only magic I have left is this potion. (Takes a small bottle out
of the carpet bag) It's really quite useless to people but, if an animal were to drink it, this potion
would give them the power of speech. Well, if this is all I have then I must go and find some
brave and noble creature who will put it to good use and who knows what may happen. Well, on
with the show then. Spit-spot!
(Exit Fairy Poppins.)

Scene 1:
(Open tabs to scene set outside a mill with one or two straw bales for sitting on and hiding
props.)
Fairy:
(Re-enters talking into the wings) Come on. The show's started! It's time for the big
opening number. (Villager wanders across the stage from SL, making Fairy jump) Where did you
come from? (Villager is dumstruck) And where is everyone else? (Villager still dumstruck) Has
the cat got your tongue? (Aside to audience) Actually in this show that phrase could get quite
confusing!
Villager 1:
We're all feeling a tiny bit nervous (A few more villagers come out)
Fairy:
You're all feeling Tiny who?
Villager 2:
We're a bit shy and worried that we're all going to look sillyand stupid.
Fairy:
Oh well why didnt you say so? I have just the remedy.
Song 1

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

(Enter Patty Cake. Chorus gradually disperse as Patty talks.)

Patty:
Well, hello there everybody. Hello this side. Hello that side. Hello down the
middle. I'm Patty Cake and I run the village bakery. Do you know, I make the best chocolate
chip cookies in the world but it takes me forever to peel the Smarties. Do you know how I make a
cream puff? I chase it around the garden. Now, I am going to be very busy today, I've got to
make some mince pies, lemon tarts, strawberry flans, apple turnovers, blueberry muffins,
shortbread, plum puddings, choc-chip cookies, Danish pastries, current buns, chocolate gateau,
ginger biscuits, cream puffs and carrot cake all to sell in my bakers shop, but I've run out of flour
so I've come to the mill to see Hickory, Dickory and Jack to ask for a bag or two. You haven't
seen them anywhere have you? Hmm? They're ever such good boys but they have had to
struggle since their father passed away. The mill is so old that the only thing that keeps it
standing is the woodworm holding hands. It's so messy in there that, last week, vandals broke in
and tidied the place And then, they had to wipe their feet before going outside. The dust on the
floor was so thick that the cockroaches were going round on stilts. They are so poor, the tooth
3

fairy used to leave IOUs. The cost of their fathers' funeral hasn't helped matters; So far, it's left
them twelve thousand pounds in debt They really shouldn't have buried him in a rented suit.
And to make matters worse Franz the Fearsome Ogre has been scaring all the farmers into giving
up their land to him and becoming his slaves. I'm sure he's got his sights on the mill you know.
That ogre is so ugly that Frankensteins Monster went to a Halloween party dressed as him. And,
he's so mean, he sticks breadcrumbs to the window and watches the birds crash into them. He is
so loud and boisterous, he would give an aspirin a headache. But those poor boys from the mill
When their father Billy the miller died, he left the deeds for the mill to Hickory his eldest son, the
donkey went to Dickory the middle son, and all that he left his youngest son Jack was his cat.
Still, he is a very skilled moggy, he never fails to keep the mice away from the corn and Jack
seems very fond of him. Yes, he's always fondling Puss.
(Enter Roger the Rabbit to the theme from Loony Tunes or other appropriate music.)
Patty:
Ah here comes Roger the Rabbit. Yes I know the script says Dispey the Donkey and
those are his stables over there, but we can't afford a donkey, ok? And besides, a rabbit called
Roger has much more comic potential. And if you dont like it, well(Roger tries to exit but
Patty stops him)the buck stops here! Everyone say "Hello Roger!"
(Response may not be very enthusiastic at this stage. Roger hangs his head.)
Patty:
Oh, that wasn't very loud. I thought we had an audience but it seems more like a
judging panel for a paint drying contest. Now you've upset poor old Roger.
(Roger hangs head even more and turns his back.)
Patty:
Oh, now don't go. I'm sure all these nice boys and girls can shout "Hello Roger"
much louder for you. (To the audience) Can you do that for me boys and girls? Mums, Dads,
Uncles, Aunties, Grandparents and [shows venue] staff as well. After three shout "Hello Roger"
as loud as you can. Ready one two three
Audience:
Hello Roger!
(Roger perks up.)
Patty:
Oh that's much better. Can you shout "Hello Roger" just as loud every time you see
him?
Audience:
Yes.
Patty:
You see Roger, all these lovely people want to be your friends, don't you boys and
girls? Now perhaps you can help me Roger, I need flour and
(Roger quickly runs Offstage.)
Patty:
Oh I wonder where he's gone off to. Probably trying to get into another warren!
(Roger returns looking coy.)
Patty:
Oh, not that old joke! Now look here, I'm looking for either Hickory, Dickory or
Jack because I need some flour for baking. Can you tell me where they are?
(Roger shakes his head.)
Patty:
Oh, of course not you're a donkey.
(Roger nods his head.)
Patty:
And donkeys don't usually talk.
(Roger shakes his head.)
Patty:
Oh dear! If I can't find anyone to sell me some flour then there will be no mince
pies, lemon tarts, strawberry flans, apple turnovers, blueberry muffins, shortbreads, plum
puddings, choc-chip cookies, Danish pastries, current buns, chocolate gateau, ginger biscuits,
cream puffs and no carrot cake!
(Roger hops and runs Offstage to the Loony Tunes theme tune or similar.)
Patty:
Oh, I wonder what's got into him.
(More rabbitty noises in the wings followed by voices "Hey, Roger! What's wrong?", "Where
are we going?", "Ouch!" etc. Enter Roger being chased by Hickory, Dickory and Jack. Loony Tunes theme again.)
Patty:
Are you lot chasing Roger?
Jack:
Hello Patty. You didn't mention anything about carrots did you?
(Roger hops and jumps about while the three lads try to hold onto him to a Loony Tunes theme.
Eventually, Dickory gives Roger a carrot which settles him.)
Patty:
Well, carrot cake.
4

(Roger hops and jumps about again to the Loony Tunes theme and Dickory has to give him
another carrot.)
Dickory:
He gets very excited when you mention carrots.
(More hopping and bucking to Loony Tunes theme until Dickory gives Roger another carrot.)
Hickory:
We've really got to stop using the "C" word.
Patty:
I beg your pardon! The "C" word?
Hickory:
Yeah. "C" for
Dickory:
Don't say it! I haven't got any more er long, orange coloured root
vegetables left. He'll be breaking through the fence into Mr McGreggors garden if we're not
careful. Remember last time? He cyboshed the cabbages, trampled the tomatoes, peed on the
pumpkins and scared the scarecrow. It was like an explosion in Jamie Olivers kitchen.
Hickory:
We just can't seem to get on Mr McGreggors good side. Dickory asked him if he
would like some donkey manure for his rhubarb he answered; "Don't be revolting, I have
custard like everyone else!" He really has a fearful temper.
Patty:
Oh, but being angry is all the rage.
Jack:
Anyway, Patty. What can we do for you?
Patty:
Well, Jack. I've come to buy some flour if you've got enough.
Jack:
Hickory is the one you should ask really. Me and Dickory here just help out;
Dickory pulls the cart with Roger, and I keep the corn and flour safe from mice with my cat.
Hickory:
Of course, you can have some flour. (Gets out two bags) How much do you need?
Patty:
Now, let me see I need enough flour to make mince pies, lemon tarts, strawberry
flans, apple turnovers, blueberry muffins, shortbreads, plum puddings, choc-chip cookies, Danish
pastries, current buns, chocolate gateau, ginger biscuits, cream puffs and carrot cake.
(Roger hops beyond control, causing Hickory to toss flour all over himself, then runs Offstage to
the Loony Tunes theme followed by a loud crash.)
Dickory:
Oh, no! Not Mr McGreggors garden again!
Patty:
(Taking what is left of the flour) I'm terribly sorry. I'll go and fetch him as it was
my fault. Bye for now everyone.
Dickory:
Did she pay?
Hickory:
I'll put it on her tab. Hey, Dickory. Do you know you've got your shoes on the
wrong feet?
Dickory:
Oops! I must have had my legs crossed when I put them on. (Puts shoes on the
right way) This just hasn't been my week you know. Whenever I have a cup of tea I get a terrible
stabbing pain in my eye.
Hickory:
Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Dickory:
I think I should have my eyes checked.
Hickory:
No, keep them in the colour they are.
Jack:
My goodness, look at all these people here. And we haven't introduced ourselves
properly.
Hickory:
Well, we had better do it then.
(The following can be done to a rap music style beat with a street dance routine.)
Hickory:
Hi, I'm Hickory, that's my name
The mill's my job, fun's my game.
I like to play and I like to share
Dickory:
And he likes wearing ladies underwear!
I'm Dickory, I have lots of fun.
Dispey and Roger on the run.
I clean the stable, that's what I do
Hickory:
'Cos he always smells like donkey poo!
(Enter Puss who joins the dance.)
Jack:
Hi, everybody. My name's Jack
I'm the youngest of this pack
Puss is my cat and my best friend
All:
And now our rap has come to an end.
Jack:
Hello there Puss. Have you been catching lots of mice?
5

(Puss nods.)
Jack:
You really do me proud.
Patty:
(Offstage) I'm terribly sorry Mr McGreggor. I'll make it up to you with a large
treacle tart.
(Patty enters with Roger. They are both covered in straw, cabbage leaves etc.)
Audience:
Hello Roger.
(Roger hops.)
Patty:
Oh, it was awful! Simply awful! I've had courgette in my corset, onions on my
bunions, tomaters in my garters and a nasty leek in my bloomers. Now, I just want to go home
and veg out.
Dickory:
Was Mr McGreggor very cross?
Patty:
Well, you could say that. He has a message for you.
Hickory:
A message?
Patty:
Well it's more of a request.
Dickory:
What is it?
Patty:
I really couldn't repeat it in front of all these boys and girls.
Dickory:
Whisper in my ear then.
(Patty whispers in Dickorys ear. His knees start shaking as Patty continues to whisper. Once
finished, Dickory slumps down in shock.)
Hickory:
What did he say? What did he say?
(Patty whispers in Hickorys ear. He then points and laughs loudly at Dickory but Patty
continues whispering and Hickorys mood changes from mockery to fear and his knees shake.
Hickory then goes to Dickory for a sympathetic hug.)
Dickory:
I'll go get the tweezers.
Hickory:
And I'll go and get the snorkel.
(Exit Hickory and Dickory.)
Patty:
I had better go as well. I've got mince pies to make and lemon tarts, strawberry
flans, apple turnovers, blueberry muffins, shortbreads, plum puddings, choc-chip cookies, Danish
pastries, current buns, chocolate gateau, ginger biscuits, cream puffs and (Glances at Roger)
you know the rest. Bye for now everyone. (Exits.)
Jack:
(Sits with puss) Oh, puss. I'm glad you don't get up to such mischief. 'Though, I
wish that father had left me something I could make my fortune with. Hickory owns the mill
now, and Dickory has a strong working donkey - even though it is a little neurotic. But what can
a cat do besides chase mice? Oh, don't get me wrong. I would never want to part with you, you're
my best friend. I just wish that we weren't so poor. Oh, enough of that. (Gets jug and saucer
from behind a sack) You must be thirsty after all that mouse hunting. Here, have some milk.
(Pours milk into saucer.) I had better go find my brothers. I can't imagine what Mr McGreggor
has asked them to do. (Exits leaving Puss and Roger Onstage.)
(Cue magical sound FX/music and spotlight. Enter Fairy Poppins.)
Fairy:
Hello, what's this? I've found two animals. A cat and a rabbit. Now to which one
should I give my speech potion? Oh, not the rabbit. The last time I made a rabbit talk, he became
framed in a murder case, captured by some weasles and kissed by a Private Detective! No, I think
I'll leave the rabbit out of this. (Waves wand and Roger exits) Ah, this is a very fine feline. (To
Puss) Don't slouch. I have a very special gift for you. (Pours potion into saucer of milk) The
gift of speech. Use it wisely.
(Magical sound FX/music as Fairy Poppins exits. Puss looks at saucer, then looks at Audience,
looks at saucer again then drinks. Lighting and sound FX as potion takes effect.)
Puss:
Hmm tastes a bit strange. Oh, my word! I can say words! Master! Master!
Jack!
(Enter Jack. He looks around confused.)
Jack:
That's odd. I thought I heard someone calling, but I don't see anyone.
(Puss is coughing up a hairball and so is unable to speak.)
Jack:
Stop messing around, Puss. Someone might be calling for help. (To Audience) Did
you see anyone here calling for me?
Audience:
It was Puss!
6

Jack:
What? Puss? My cat?
Audience:
Yes!
Jack:
Don't be silly. Cats can't talk.
Puss:
(Finally finishes coughing) This one does.
Jack:
(Turning around) Who said that?
Puss:
(Jumping) Me! Me! Me! I can speak. I can converse! I can recite Shakespeare;
"Tabby or not tabby? Cat is the question."
Jack:
Puss? But how?
Puss:
It was Fairy Poppins. She popped a potion in my saucer.
Jack:
How about that! A talking cat.
Puss:
And now that I can speak there are a few things I want to say; Firstly, I don't like
being put out in the rain. Secondly, I didn't eat the goldfish - Dickory sat on it. And Thirdly, I
have a plan for you to make your fortune! And Fourthly
Jack:
Hang on. I thought it was just a few things
Puss:
It is! But I need a cue for a song.
Jack:
Oh, I see. Well, carry on.
Puss:
(clearing his throat) and fourthly, my real name is Kevin and I like to SING!
Song 2

You and Me (But Mostly Me)

Jack:
Well now that we've had a jolly good sing song how about we get back to the plot?
Puss:
Steady on, Jack. Its not much of a plot now is it?
Jack:
Well it might be if we stuck to the script!
Puss:
Ok then. I have a plan to make us rich.
Jack:
That's great. What must I do?
Puss:
Well first, as I can speak and sing like people, I should be dressed like people. I will
need some fine clothes and a snazzy pair of boots. (Slaps thigh. Jack goes Offstage and
returns with a jacket, a hat and the boots.)
Jack:
This is my Sunday best from when I was younger. It won't fit me anymore. You
can have it.
Puss:
Perrrrfect. Now all I need a false beard and a carrot.
(Roger hops Offstage.)
Jack:
What for?
Puss:
(Tapping the side of his nose slyly) To catch a reindeer and present it to King
Vincent of Faraway Land.
Jack:
But, I don't understand.
Franz:
(Offstage, with a mic for volume and effect) Raaaaaaagh!!!
Puss:
(Leaps into Jacks arms or piggyback if easier) What was that?
Jack:
It must be Franz the Fearsome Ogre I've heard tell about. Either that or Mr
McGreggor.
Puss:
(Jumping down) Then, stand back, Master. I'll handle this. I'm a talking cat. I can
blind him with my sheer awesomeness. (Pause) What's the best way to speak to an ogre?
Jack:
From a very long way away. Come on.
(Exit Jack and Puss Stage Right. Cue clap of thunder & lightning FX as Franz and Gunther
enter Stage Left. They are accompanied by dancing shadow creatures who exit after song.)
TAB IN
Song 3

Fancy

Franz:
(After applause) Save it for the good guys you boot-licking hypocrites. I'm hungry!
Do you know what I like to eat when I go to restaurants? - The waiters. Now what do we have
here? (Looks at the Audience, licking his lips) Who's for a game of "swallow the leader"? Is
there anyone here called "Stu"? (If nobody responds, just pretend to pick someone from the
back) Ah is that a couple of dumplings sitting next to you? Is there anybody here who goes by
7

the name of Basil? You will be chopped up and sprinkled on our friend Stu over there! Then,
after I have had you for supper I may have a toe jam tart for dessert.
(Enter Fairy Poppins. Magical sound FX.)
Franz:
Oh look, its Hairy Ploppins.
Fairy:
Leave those people alone, Franz.
Franz:
First you will show me how to use this wand.
Fairy:
I will do no such thing! That's my wand you stole, now I'll have it back please.
Franz:
Why should I give it back to you?
Fairy:
It is my wand and, therefore, must only be used for good deeds.
Franz:
Indeed? Well then, come and take it.
Fairy:
Really? You would give me my wand as easily as that?
Franz:
But of course
Fairy:
(Suspiciously) Why?
Franz:
(Lying) It's no good to me. Clearly it can only be used by somebody who is pure of
heart.
Fairy:
(To Audience) This is tricky. I really don't trust him, but this might be my only
chance to get my magic wand back. What should a practically perfect fairy do?
Audience:
Do it! / Don't do it! etc
Fairy:
Should I take the wand?
Audience:
Yes! / No!
Fairy:
Very well then, Franz. (Reaches for the wand) Thank you.
Franz:
Now, Gunther!
(Gunther grabs Fairy Poppins outstretched arm and pulls her into his grasp.)
Franz:
Tricked you! Now I will take you back to my castle to make fairy cakes made
with a real fairy - after I have extracted the information I need for this magic wand, as painfully as
possible. (Evil laughter.)
Fairy:
Unhand me this instant! This is not at all dignified!
(Thunder & lightning FX. Exit Franz and Gunther with Fairy Poppins. Blackout. TAB out.)

Scene 2:
(Inside the palace. King Vincent and Princess Rose are seated on thrones and are being
entertained with a chorus dance routine/jugglers/acrobatics - whatever talents are available.)
Villager:
Hello everyone! So finally, we get a scene which isnt overrun by all those
showing off main characters. The so-called Principals. So, let me set the scene. We are now in the
court of King Vincent and Princess Rose. Yes, I know, bit shoddy isnt it? And it's far, far away
from Dame Patty, Jack and all the others you have met so far. Me? Oh, I'm just a spokesman for
the "By Royal Appointment" travelling entertainers. Think Katrina and the Waves, Billy and the
OceanAnyway, we've been asked to perform a song to entertain Their Royal Highnesses so I
looked through my record collectioner, I mean, my record-breaking download collection and
found a sure-fire hit! OK it might not be the most up to date song I could find but if it's good
enough for Bonnie Tyler then it's good enough for me! Hit it, Maestro!
Song 4

Holding Out For A Hero

(Entertainments end. Royalty and servants applaud.)

Princess:
Bravo! Bravo!
King:
Marvellous! Simply marvellous!
(Trumpet fanfare. Enter Royal Guard.)
Royal Guard: Your Majesty King Vincent and Your Royal Highness Princess Rose. A servant of
The Marquis of Carabas has arrived and requests an audience with you.
King:
Well, he can't have one. This is my audience tell him to get his own.
Royal Guard: Sire, he is the servant of a Marquis.
King:
How would he serve a large tent?
8

Princess:
Father, Marquis means nobleman.
King:
Ah.
Royal Guard: He has travelled from afar
King:
(Bored) So?
Royal Guard: And brings forth a gift.
King:
(With sudden enthusiasm) A gift? What are you waiting for? Bring him in!
(Exit Royal Guard.)
King:
Ooh I love presents. (To Princess Rose) Well except for that pogo stick your
Aunty Ethel knitted for me.
Princess:
Oh, Father! You shouldn't be ungrateful. The poor dear was confused.
King:
I'll say. What I actually wanted was a woolly jumper!
(Trumpet fanfare. Enter Royal Guard, followed by Puss who is carrying the drawstring bag.)
Royal Guard: Puss In Boots, Your Majesty, Servant to the Marquis of Carabas
Puss:
(Bowing flamboyantly) Your Majesty. It is an honour to make your acquaintance
King:
How about that! A talking cat! Tell me, what brings you here to my palace?
Puss:
This morning my master, The Marquis of Carabas went hunting and caught a fine
reindeer which I have given to one of your guards. The Marquis asks that you will accept this
reindeer as a gift.
King:
Splendid! I've always wanted my own reindeer. I shall call himerrr, let me see
oh yes! I shall call him I'm Sure It Won't. Yes, that's it. I'm Sure It Won't Reindeerha, ha! Get
it? Yes, well never mind. Now tell me, young Puss, I have never heard of a Marquis of Carabas,
who exactly is he? What's he like?
Puss:
He is clever, brave and generous. There is nothing he wouldn't do for his people.
Princess:
Is he handsome?
Puss:
My Lady, he has a face any angel would fall for, and he could charm the halo from
her head if he were not so modest.
Princess:
Really?
Puss:
Yes, he's a mix between Robert Pattinson, Harry Styles and Zac Efron.
Princess:
Pwaoah!
King:
Why, he sounds like a splendid chap. I would very much like to meet him.
Princess:
(Wistfully) Me too.
Puss:
I'm sure he can find a slot for you in his busy schedule. He resides at the great red
castle many miles south from here.
King:
(Suddenly worried) The great red castle? Not the great red castle? We can't
possibly go there. I've heard that it is haunted and is inhabited by a terrifying ogre.
Puss:
(Laughing) Nonsense, your majesty. That is just a rumour my master let spread to
keep away potential enemies. You will be quite safe there, and most welcome.
King:
Well, in that case we would be delighted to journey there. Go to your master and be
sure to thank him for my little bunny.
Puss:
(Bowing) Sire, I bid you farewell.
(TAB in)
Puss:
My plan to make Master Jack's fortune is now in action. This is my first attempt
and it's working brilliantly! Well done me! (excitedly) Miaou!
Song 5

For the First Time in Forever

(Exit Puss. Blackout. TAB out)

Scene 3:
(Cue Loony Tunes theme. Lights up on windmill scenery. A smoke machine is set behind a
straw bale. Enter Hickory, Dickory and Roger. Hickory and Dickory are each carrying a mop,
a bucket of soap foam and a bucket of water. Roger stands Centrestage facing the audience.
Hickory and Dickory stand on either side of him. They set their buckets on both ends of the
stage. Roger hangs his head.)
9

Audience:
Hello Roger
(Roger stands with his knees shaking.)
Hickory:
} (Together)
Dickory:
} Hello everybody.
Hickory:
Now, now, Roger. Don't sulk. You're so filthy from Mr McGreggors garden, now
you've got to have a bath.
Dickory:
And, that's nothing compared to what we had to do.
Hickory:
Well, I blame you, Dickory. It's your fault that Mr McGreggor is so mean to us.
Dickory:
Me? Why me?
Hickory:
Because Roger is your rabbit, you should have better control of him. And, you're
always getting into trouble.
Dickory:
Oh, no I'm not!
Hickory:
Oh, yes you are!
Dickory:
Oh, no I'm not!
Hickory:
Oh, yes you are!
Dickory:
(With a tune) Oh, no I'm not!
Hickory:
(With a tune) Oh, yes you are!
Dickory:
(To Audience) I'm not always getting into trouble am I boys and girls.
Hickory:
Only the other night he was thrown out of the pub for cheating at dominoes He was
found with a packet of bourbon biscuits and some Tippex. (Pause) On my last birthday he
thought it would be quicker to blow up the balloons with dynamite. (Pause) When he made the
birthday cake, the candles melted in the oven.
Dickory:
I don't like birthday cake, it gives me heartburn.
Hickory:
Well you should wait until the candles are blown out before you eat it. Anyway,
let's get on with cleaning Roger. Got the buckets?
Dickory:
Got the buckets.
Hickory:
Got the mops?
Dickory:
Got the mops.
Hickory:
Got the rabbit?
(Roger hops.)
Hickory:
Then, let's get started. I'll wash the head end while you wash the tail end.
Dickory:
Oh why do I always get the tail end?
Hickory:
We could toss for it if you like. (Reaching inside his pocket for a coin) If it lands
on heads - I wash the head end, and if it lands on tails - you wash the tail end.
Dickory:
Don't be silly you can't toss a rabbit.
Hickory:
Let's just get on with it then.
(They try washing their designated ends but Roger spins around hopping while Hickory and
Dickory follow through in a Catherine wheel style.)
Dickory:
This is getting us nowhere.
Hickory:
Let's swap ends.
Dickory:
Right you are.
(They switch ends but, this time, Roger spins the other way with the same effect.)
Dickory:
Let's try washing the head end at the same time.
Hickory:
Okay.
(They load their mops up with foam and as they go to wash Roger's head, Roger ducks his head
down, they miss Rogers head completely and end up getting foam all over each others faces.)
Hickory:
Okay, let's do the tail end.
(They turn Roger around so that his bottom faces the Audience. Again they try to wash but
Roger sits and the mops swing straight into each others groins.)
Hickory:
} (Together)
Dickory:
} Oooh! (In pain, they fall backwards into the foam buckets left behind them.)
Franz:
(Offstage) Raaagh!
(Roger runs Offstage)
Dickory:
Oh no! It must be that ogre who's been terrorizing everyone and I'm stuck!
Hickory:
Me too!
10

Dickory:
Hide!
Hickory:
Where?
Dickory:
(Pointing at audience) Over there
Hickory:
(Heading into audience) OohDo you think they'll mind?
Dickory:
No they won't mind. That /man/woman over there has been desperate to meet you
since the start of the show
Hickory
(Going over to victim) No, Dickory. They're just desperate.
(ad lib until)
(Back on stage, they both grab their second buckets with water in and put them on their heads.
Cue thunder and lightning FX as Franz and Gunther enter, dragging Fairy Poppins with them.)
Franz:
Tell me how to use this wand, Furry Droppings!
Fairy:
It's no good insulting my name, Franz. Without the L you're just an oaf.
Franz:
(Menacingly) Have you ever wondered how long you can live without a brain?
Fairy:
Well, that's a very good question. How old are you now?
Franz:
(Grabbing Fairy Poppins by the neck) Raagh! All I have to do is squeeze and I'll
snap your neck like a twig! Now, tell me how to use the magic wand.
Fairy:
Do your worst, my lips are sealed.
Franz:
(Grabbing the carpet bag) But what is this?
Fairy:
That's mine. Give it back this instant!
Franz:
What have we here? (Takes a spell book out of the bag and reads) Very
interesting! "Spells To Turn You Into Any Beast In The Entire Animal Kingdom". A-HA!
Fairy:
You already are an animal. And not at all a domestic sort. Such behaviour!
Franz:
(Holds out the wand and reads) Metamorphosis Lupus!
(Cue smoke machine, thunder and lightning FX. Franz is hidden in smoke, switches with a wolf
body double dressed as the wolf steps forward from the smoke as sound and lighting return to
normal.)
Franz:
Now, I can change into anything I want, nothing can stop me from taking over the
entire kingdom and then the whole world! But first I shall chase you all the way to my castle
dungeon.
(Franz the wolf howls then chases Fairy Poppins Offstage.)
Fairy:
Oh, help!
(Gunther shrugs and follows.)
Hickory:
} (Together)
Dickory:
} (Cautiously lift the buckets off their heads and turn to the audience) Oh, no!
(Blackout. H&D exit.)
Enter Chorus and Patty Cake with a large picnic basket. Patty and Chorus sing & dance.
Song 6

Candy Ma'am

Patty:
Hello everybody!
Harvesters:
Hello Patty!
Patty:
Hello boys and girls, Mums and Dads, Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents and [local
venue] Staff.
Audience:
Hello Patty!
Patty:
I'm sure my friends here have been working hard and could do with some
refreshments themselves. Ever since Franz the Fearsome Ogre forced the farmers to give up their
land, he's made these poor people work like slaves. So I thought I should make a nice picnic for
them.
Harvester 1:
That's very kind of you, Patty.
Harvester 2:
We're starving.
(All go about spreading the picnic blanket.)
Patty:
Help yourselves, there's plenty to go round but not enough to go square.
(Harvesters all sit to eat. Enter Jack.)
Jack:
Hello Patty. Have you seen Puss anywhere? He's been missing all day and I'm
11

really quite worried.

Patty:
No, I haven't seen him. I'm sure he'll be alright.
Jack:
The thing is, the most extraordinary thing has happened. A fairy gave him a potion
which made him talk and then there was that ogre and
Patty:
Oh, Jack my dear. You need to calm down. Here, would you like a bite to eat with
us?
Jack:
Ooh, what have you got?
Patty:
Well, I made all these goodies in my bakery. I've made sandwiches (Hands out a
sandwich sand pours out of it), sausage rolls (Rolls a sausage across the stage), apple
turnovers (Takes out an apple and turns it over), jam roly-polies (Rolls a jam jar across the
stage), I've got French bread (Gets out a loaf of bread wearing a small beret and a tiny
string of onions which she manipulates like a puppet) Bonjour! Ive got short bread (gets out
half a loaf), choux pastries (gets out a pastry with a shoe in it), sponge cake (gets out a real
sponge with a cherry on top), rock cake (takes out a rock with icing on it) and a spotted dick.
Jack:
(Quickly) No thank you, I'll pass.
(Enter Puss.)
Jack:
Puss! Where have you been? I've been looking all over for you.
Puss:
No time to explain, Master Jack. You must jump in yonder lake and pretend you're
the Marquis of Carabas.
Jack:
(Stunned) I must do what and what?
Patty:
How about that! A talking cat!
Jack:
I can't jump in that lake! It'sitscold! You'll be asking me to do an ice challenge
next!
(random villager enters with bucket...)
OKOk! I'll do it (Puss dismisses villager with bucket)
Puss:
Thank you, Master. As you will see, it's all part of my plan, your future depends on
it.
(Enter Roger with Hickory and Dickory, running and breathless.)
Hickory:
} (Together)
Dickory:
} Jack! Patty! Everyone! There's been trouble at mill!
Patty:
Trouble?
Jack:
What kind of trouble?
Hickory:
It's Franz the Fearsome Ogre. He had already stolen Fairy Poppins's magic wand
Dickory:
Now he's got the spell book to make it work
Hickory:
And now he can turn himself into
Hickory:
} (Together)
Dickory:
} (Over dramatically) Any beast in the entire animal kingdom!
Dickory:
He turned into a wolf and chased Fairy Poppins all the way to his castle.
Patty:
So now there's trouble at castle.
Hickory:
Exactly.
Puss:
(To Audience) This gives me an idea! (To Harvesters) Your work is finished here.
You must now all go to the roadside at the top of the hill and look out for King Vincents carriage.
Hickory:
How about that!
Dickory:
A talking cat!
Hickory:
Would you like to see a talking monkey?
Dickory:
Ooh, yes please.
Hickory:
Take a look in the mirror then.
Harvester 3:
(To Puss) Who are you to give us orders?
Puss:
(Suddenly very angry) Because I'm Franz the Fearsome Ogre in the disguise of a
very handsome cat! Now go! And be sure to tell the king that all this land belongs to the Marquis
of Carabas or Ill turn back into an ogre and eat you all!
(Harvesters all run Offstage scared. Exit Stage Right.)
Jack:
Puss! That was not a very nice thing to do! They already live in fear of the ogre.
Puss:
Forgive me, Master Jack, but it was necessary. King Vincent and Princess Rose will
be here any minute and it is vital that he believes that you are a Marquis.
12

Dickory:
Would it help if we put a sheet over him?
Hickory:
(Holding up two boards, one showing "marquis" the other showing
"marquee") A marquis not a marquee.
Patty:
I said you need to calm down, Jack. (Rubbing Jacks shoulders) You're two tents.
Puss:
Trust me, Master. When all this is over, you will have your fortune and all our ogre
worries will be over.
Jack:
Very well then Puss. I'll do as you say - but no more scaring people.
Puss:
I promise. Now go and jump in that lake over there.
(Jack exits Stage Left. Spashing SFX heard off stage. On stage, Hickory and Dickory are
helping themselves to the picnic basket. Patty Cake sits on a straw bale to eat. Roger stands
behind Patty Cake and starts nibbling her hat.)
Dickory:
Can you pass me the butter please, Hickory? I'd like some on my bread.
Hickory:
Here you go, Dickory.
Dickory:
Hey, Hickory. Tell everyone that rude joke about butter.
Hickory:
No, they'll spread it around. Anyway, it would be a complete waste of time.
Dickory:
Like telling a hair-raising joke to a bald man?
Hickory:
Precisely
Dickory:
I'm a bit thirsty. Is there anything to drink?
Hickory:
There's some er What do you call very cold water?
Dickory:
Erm, iced water.
Hickory:
That's right. And, what do you call very cold tea?
Dickory:
Iced tea.
Hickory:
Now, what do you call very cold ink?
Dickory:
I know this one. Iced ink.
Hickory:
I know you do you should have a bath once in a while.
(Patty Cake suddenly realizes what Roger has been doing.)
Patty:
Oh! Shoo! You naughty donkey!
Dickory:
What's wrong?
Patty:
Your donkey has just tried to eat my best hat.
Dickory:
Oh, that's okay. He likes hats.
Patty:
I don't like your attitude.
Dickory:
It wasn't my 'at 'e chewed, it's your 'at 'e chewed.
Puss:
Are you ready yet, Master Jack?
Jack:
(Offstage) I'm ready! Here I go!
(Splashing sound FX off.)
Puss:
(Running to Stage Right, over-dramatic) Help! Help! My master, the Marquis of
Carabas is drowning! Help!
(Patty Cake, Hickory and Dickory run around in alarm. Roger runs around braying.)
Patty:
Don't panic! Don't panic!
Hickory:
He's drowning! He's drowning!
Dickory:
Somebody throw some fire on him!
(Cue fanfare. Enter King Vincent, Princess Rose Stage Right.)
King:
Now then, now then, then now, now then. What's all the hullabaloo about?
Puss:
Your Majesty! Thank goodness you're here. My master is drowning in yonder lake!
King:
(Taking off his coat or robes) Then I must rescue him at once. Guards!
(Royal Guards enter Stage Right.)
King:
Ah, there you are. (Handing over his coat/robes) This has a stain on it, take it back
to the carriage would you? - Oh and save that young chap from drowning while you're about it.
(Exit Royal Guards, Stage Left.)
Puss:
Thank you, Sire.
King:
Don't mention it. It's the least I could do. What exactly happened?
Puss:
My dear master and I were fishing for trout, when we were ambushed by thieves.
They ripped off my masters fine clothes and they pulled my tail. (Tearfully) They nearly broke
it.
Patty:
Oh, poor Puss. I'll have to take you shopping for some re-tail therapy.
13

(Royal Guard 1 returns Stage Left.)

King:
(To Royal Guard) Is he alright?
(Jack enters Stage Left soaked through, wet hair would be effective but pond weed draped over
his head would work just as well. He is followed by Royal Guard 2.)
Princess:
(Blushing) I'll say he is!
Jack:
(Bowing) Your Majesty.
(Patty Cake, Hickory and Dickory who are behind Jack all cover their eyes.)
Patty:
(Aside) He's not the Marquis of Carabas, he's a very naughty boy.
Puss:
(Putting his paws over Princess Roses eyes) Your Majesty. My master is
quiteerwet! I cannot present him to you or your daughter with a set of fresh dry clothes.
King:
Quite right. Er Guards, take the Marquis to the carriage and find him some
clothes from the trunk.
(Guards escort Jack who side-steps across the stage. Princess Rose tries to peek. Exit Jack and
Guards Stage Right.)
Patty:
(Approaching King Vincent with a plate of tarts) I say, Your Majesty. Would
you care for a fruity tart?
King:
I care for many things, especially fruity tarts. (Takes one) Thank you.
Patty:
I made them myself you know. Tell me, do you come here often?
King:
No. I can't say that I have ever been here before.
Patty:
Oh, then I'll have to give you a tour of the place. I run a bakery you know. I can
take you there to sample my muffins.
King:
Why, thank you. I would be delighted if you could show me around.
Patty:
I beg your pardon! I am not round, I'm wearing a corset!
King:
My apologies, Madame. I have no wish to offend you.
Patty:
Apology accepted. (Linking arms and moving Offstage Right) Tell me, Your
Majesty. Is there a Mrs Majesty?
King:
Sadly, no. I lost my wife when my daughter, Princess Rose, was just a little girl.
Patty:
I'm sorry to hear that. How long did it take you to get over your grief?
King:
(sadly) It took a little while.
Patty:
What do you miss most?
King:
(sadder) I miss her little smile
Patty:
And where did you lose her?
King:
(sobbing) In a Lidl car park with her shopping. (goes to exit and then comes back)
She'd never gone missing Aldi other times!
(Exit Patty Cake and King Vincent followed by Princess Rose.)
Hickory:
Puss! What kind of trouble are you getting our youngest brother into?
Puss:
No trouble at all. I'm going to make him rich. I have already passed him off as a
nobleman. All I have to do now is take over Franz the Fearsome Ogres castle.
Dickory:
What do you think you are? A packet of dry biscuits?
Hickory:
What do you mean, a packet of dry biscuits?
Dickory:
Well, he's completely crackers!
Hickory:
Dickory is right. No one can defeat that monster.
Puss:
I'm no scaredy cat! I can defeat him with my cunning.
Hickory:
It's too dangerous to even think off.
Dickory:
I find thinking very dangerous.
Puss:
(Heroically) I must do it! And I will do it to free our people from fear and give
them back their land! I must do it for the greater good! (Sheepishly) And besides, the king thinks
that the castle belongs to Jack and he'll be visiting this evening.
Dickory:
Then we must stop him! Or at least delay him in some way. Hickory what time is
it?
Hickory:
Half past three.
Dickory:
I must be going nuts. I keep getting a different answer every time I ask.
Puss:
Calm down, everything is under control.
Hickory:
No, Puss. You're out of control.
Dickory:
We'll have to switch him to manual, or unplug him, or take his batteries out.
14

Puss:
Er carrots.
(Roger bucks and runs around braying.)
Hickory:
} (Together)
Dickory:
} Oh Puss!
(Hickory and Dickory chase after Roger before they exit.)
Puss:
Well that got rid of them. Now I must go to the castle and take care of Franz the
Fearsome Ogre.
(Puss exits. Blackout. Strike set.)

Scene 4:
(Lights up on a leafy glade scene (TAB). There is a large tree towards the back of the stage.
Enter Jack dressed as a nobleman.)
Jack:
What am I to do? With Puss gone, I'm not sure that I can keep up this pretence. I
really don't like being dishonest one little bit. Still, I do like these clothes. Oh, and I do like
Princess Rose. She is so lovely and pretty. If only I really were a nobleman.
(Enter Princess Rose.)
Princess:
Oh there you are Marquis of Carabas. Or should I call you Mark for short?
Jack:
(Takes her hand) My lady, you can call me anything you like for I am humbled by
your beauty. I would do anything for you. From the moment I saw you, something magical
happened.
Song 7

At Last I Can See The Light

Princess:
Sir, you have quite captured my heart. You really are the most wonderful nobleman
I have ever met.
Jack:
I wish that were true.
Princess:
Your servant has told me about how modest you are.
Jack:
Princess Rose, I have no intention of deceiving you. There is something I must tell
you
(TAB out, and enter Hickory and Dickory hurrying.)
Dickory:
Jack! Oh, er I mean M'lord!
Hickory:
We've got to tell you something urgently, M'lord.
Dickory:
In private, M'lord.
Jack:
(To Princess Rose) Would you excuse me for a moment? (Kisses her hand.)
Princess:
Of course.
(Hickory, Dickory and Jack move to the side and to the Front of Stage. While they are talking,
a Deer enters Stage Left and trots playfully around Princess Rose in the background. She tries
to get closer to the deer but after each step she takes, the deer trots a few steps away from her.)
Hickory:
It's Puss. He's in deep trouble
Dickory:
(Dramatically) And it could mean danger for the rest of us!
Hickory:
He's gone to Franz the Fearsome Ogres' castle
Dickory:
(Dramatically) And it could mean danger for the rest of us!
Hickory:
He's going to pick a fight with him and get killed.
Dickory:
(Dramatically) And it could mean danger for the rest of us!
Jack:
(To Dickory) Why do you keep saying that?
Dickory:
Because Puss will only infuriate him with a vengeful rage and
Hickory:
} (Together)
Dickory:
} It could mean danger for the rest of us!
Jack:
Then we have to stop him. How far away is the castle?
Hickory:
You don't think we're gonna risk our lives by going there do you?
Jack:
Then what do you suggest?
Dickory:
We were hoping that you would go on your own.
Jack:
That's not very supportive of you. You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
Hickory:
} (Together)
15

Dickory:
} But we're so scared!
Jack:
Pull yourselves together.
(Hickory and Dickory stand shoulder to shoulder - like curtains drawn together. Princess Rose
follows the Deer who disappears behind the tree.)
Jack:
If we hurry, we might be able to stop Puss before he reaches the castle. And then,
I'm going to tell everyone the truth about what's been going on. I would rather be a poor millers
son than live a lie as a marquis.
(Thunder and lightning FX.)
Franz:
(Comes out of the other side of the tree, pulling Princess Rose out by her wrist)
Raagh! You didn't know that deer was me did you? Ha! Ha! Ha! You're coming with me to my
castle. (To Audience) Ooh! She looks so nice. I don't know whether to eat her or have her
stuffed!
Princess:
Help me! Help!
(Exit Franz with Princess Rose. Cue thunder & lighting FX.)
Jack:
Princess! No!
(Sound FX of eagle screeching.)
Hickory:
(Pointing towards the sky) Look! He's turned into an eagle and he's got the
princess in his talons!
(Enter King Vincent and Patty Cake.)
King:
What's going on?
Jack:
No time to explain, Your Majesty. A wicked ogre has captured your daughter and
we must go and rescue her. Dickory, get Roger. It will take us all night to get out to Franz's
castle and we need all the help we can get. Come on everyone. (Villagers enter) We all need to
pull together and, well, put it this way
Song 8
Tomorrow
(All run Offstage. Blackout. Strike set. Curtain.)

16