SECOND TEAM

"Pilot"

ACT ONE
INT. JASONS APARTMENT -- DAY
The alarm clock rings, but JASON HARTHOUSE (20s, handsome in
the cheesiest way possible) is already up. He hits snooze the
second it buzzes.
Hes dressed in designer jeans and a trendy shirt. He goes to
the mirror and works 25 dollars of product into his haircut.
His girlfriend, TRACY CALHOUN (20s, pretty actress type)
stirs in the bed they share. Not a morning person.
JASON
Good morning, my darling. You look
beautiful, as always.
Thats debatable at this grim early hour, but Jason means it
sincerely. He means everything sincerely. Hes one of those
guys who can identify sarcasm, but doesnt quite get it.
Tracy rubs out eye crusties and hides under a pillow.
JASON (CONTD)
Sorry to wake you. Can I make you
breakfast?
TRACY
That sounds like it would get in
the way of me sleeping more.
JASON
Uh, I guess.
TRACY
Then breakfast is an abomination
that can go straight to hell.
JASON
I keep telling you, you should do
standup. Babe, have you seen my
Rolex?
TRACY
That hunk of brass you got in
Tijuana?
JASON
Im told it looks 95% authentic.

2.

TRACY
By who the drug dealer who sold it
to you?
JASON
He said he was working his way
through bible college.
Jason finds his fake Rolex in a pile of Tracys laundry. He
straps it on.
JASON (CONTD)
Best 20 bucks I ever spent. How do
I look?
TRACY
Youre a stand-in. Theyll be
happy if you show up wearing pants.
JASON
Dress for success! Did you know
that Brad Pitt used to work as an
extra on the Newhart show?
TRACY
For the millionth time, yes.
JASON
Id love to meet him sometime. Ill
bet hes got the mother of all
fashion advice.
Tracy throws a pillow at him. It hits him square in the face.
JASON (CONTD)
Im being inconsiderate. Call me
later. Love you.
He kisses the top of her head, the only bit of Tracy not
covered by an Ikea duvet.
Tracy mutters something. Jason smiles as if its pure poetry.
He finds his Rolex knockoff and puts it on. He looks around
the shambles of the one bedroom apartment they share.
JASON (CONTD)
I am the luckiest guy in the world.
EXT. 101 FREEWAY -- DAY
Jason limps his aging Mazda Miata out of the standstill
traffic onto Ventura.

3.

He drives the tiny car with the top down. He wears a close
approximation of Tom Cruises shades from Top Gun.
Someone in the adjacent lane in front of him throws a
cigarette butt out the window. It flies into Jasons car and
hits him in the face.
Jason chuckles fondly as he stubs the cigarette out in his
ashtray.
EXT. EDISON STUDIOS -- DAY
A giant studio in the valley. Imagine if Warner, Disney, and
CBS Radford had a baby. The famous EDISON STUDIOS water tower
looms over all, shading the equally famous statue of studio
founder Thomas Edison.
Jason passes a billboard for DISTANT COUSINS. The six
attractive stars frolic in an iconic fountain. He smiles.
DISTANT COUSINS is almost exactly FRIENDS. Theres a ROSSTYPE, a MONICA-TYPE, a JOEY-TYPE, etc.
Jason looks at the Chandler-type actor. They could be
brothers, except Joey is more brooding, and Jason is more
handsome in a Sears-model way.
He flicks the billboard a cheery salute as he heads past the
front gates. Hold on the front gate as his little car recedes
to a massive parking structure, a ridiculous ways away.
EXT. STUDIO -- DAY
Jason walks up to JOE (40s), a security guard who mans the
side gate, flashes some ID.
JASON
Hey, Joe, whattyano?
JOE
Sup, Jason! My dawg!
They pound fists.
EXT. STAGE 27 -- DAY
A giant sound stage. Various CREW load in equipment via the
elephant door on the side. Jason waves to one.
JASON
Hey, Amy, how was Gwens recital?

4.

AMY THE PA
She danced like an angel. Ill show
you the tape.
JASON
Id like that.
Jason passes by PETER FOSSE (30s, sardonic), who puffs on a
vape while leaning against stage 27.
JASON (CONTD)
Sup, Pete? Have you seen todays
sides yet?
PETER
I havent been inside yet. Ill be
damned if Im going to check in a
minute before call time.
JASON
Your cynicism hurts me, man. You
know what Conan OBrien says?
PETER
The exact quote? Yeah, its
tattooed on your forearm. That
really plants it in the memory.
JASON
TYou seen Andy around? Todays the
day we finish our web series. The
one about stand ins?
PETER
Everyone whos ever worked as a
stand in has had that idea.
JASON
But ours will be good. So you
havent seen him?
PETER
No, I havent. Hes your friend,
text him.
JASON
I couldnt reach him this weekend.
(Jason seems puzzled this)
Well, Im going to get some
breakfast. Todays going to be a
great day, I can feel it.
PETER
You always say that.

5.

JASON
And Im always right. Remember,
were all one phone call from the
big acting break that changes our
lives.
PETER
I dont act.
Jason looks at Peter like he said his mother just died.
JASON
Oh, right. I forgot.
Jason enters the studio, Peter shakes his head. His vape
dies. He shakes it, checks the battery. Typical.
JASON (CONTD)
I read a report that those ecigarettes are worse than the real
thing.
PETER
You also read a report that quartz
necklaces prevented pregnancy. Im
going to grab my spare battery.
INT. STUDIO 27 -- DAY
Jason enters the studio, where an an army of workers light a
fake apartment with 5ks.
EXT. FAKE LIVING ROOM -- DAY
He goes up to touch an iconic couch, reverently. A pilgrim at
Mecca. MARSHA THE ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (30s), think Bart
Simpsons teacher, walks up to him.
MARSHA THE AD
Ive told you not to touch that,
kid.
JASON
Sorry, Marsha. I hope you had an
amazing weekend.
MARSHA THE AD
I have a hangover and a sore
cervix. Im not quite ready for
your Mr. Rogers schtick today.

6.

JASON
Marsha, you are as lovely as you
are grouchy.
MARSHA THE AD
Technically, youre not on the
clock till seven, but do you mind
starting early?
JASON
Nope. Not at all.
Marsha shakes her head with familiar exasperation. She hands
Jason some papers.
MARSHA THE AD
Come on, wardrobe dropped off your
color cover.
Marsha hands Jason a cheap blue sweatshirt. They walk to set.
Jason passes the CHANDLER-TYPE ACTOR. He is dressed in
character, in a blue leather jacket - its the same color as
Jasons borrowed sweatshirt, but like $3,000 more better.
JASON
Looking good man!
Jason offers the Chandler-Type a cheery nod. The actor
ignores him completely.
JASON (CONTD)
Ah, well. Hes busy. He has a lot
of lines to memorize. Im sure hes
a great guy-MARSHA THE AD
Anythings possible.
EXT. THE STUDIO -- DAY
Peter walks back from the garage, puffing on his vaporizer.
He sees a pretty girl that makes him stop in his tracks.
KRISTEN BRYANT (24, a tall, slim southern belle with dark
hair) is running late. She looks at all the identical studio
building, completely lost.
She checks a poorly xeroxed map of the lot. No clue. She
drops her purse, struggles to catch it.
Peter walks up, helps.

7.

PETER
Youve never done this before, huh?
Come on, you can follow me to stage
27.
KRISTEN
Thanks. What are you, psychic?
PETER
I know youre a stand in cause you
look like Deenas prettier sister.
I know its your first day because
no one whos done this job would
wear heels if they didnt have to.
KRISTEN
Nice deduction. Im Kristen. And
you must be... Martys stand in?
You look just like him.
PETER
Well, youre either very kind or a
complete liar.
KRISTEN
Aspiring liar. Thats what my
boyfriend calls acting, anyway.
PETER
He sounds great.
KRISTEN
Im from Alabama (Roll Tide). But
its my first day, and Im already
running late. Not a great start to
my amazing Hollywood career.
PETER
Its an accurate harbinger of
things to come.
KRISTEN
So how long have you been acting?
PETER
I dont act.
KRISTEN
But you did, right?
(off his look)
I mean, you stand and talk like
someone who took Alexander classes.

8.

PETER
Wow. Im impressed.
KRISTEN
I have my moments. So whats the
story there?
PETER
Hey, look, were here.
VAL (29) emerges from the studio. She wears juicy pants and a
low cut top that shows off her ample cleavage. She looks like
the Jersey Shore version of the Phoebe-knock off shes
playing.
PETER (CONTD)
Kristen, this is Val. Neither do as
she says nor does.
VAL
Oh, get bent Spock. They need you
on stage.
Peter leaves, throwing a last admiring look at Kristen.
VAL (CONTD)
Screw him, Im classy for days.
She fishes in her bra, pulls out her Nicorette gum.
VAL (CONTD)
Nicotine gum? I swear my tits dont
sweat much.
Kristen takes a piece, tentatively chews. Val chews a new
piece, tucks the used piece back in her cleavage.
VAL (CONTD)
You can get a contact high from the
chewed pieces. Come on, Ill show
you around. Dont mind Peter, he
considers any kind of hope a moral
failing.
KRISTEN
Ah, he was cool.
VAL
Then you have low standards. Hes
like the burnt out version of one
of them... whattyacall em? Always
finish last?

9.

KRISTEN
Nice guys?
VAL
Yeah, that. You meet all kinds of
people in this job that youd never
meet in life. Watch out for em,
every guy here treats this place
like its speed dating. Guys are
pigs...
Just then, a handsome PRODUCTION ASSISTANT drives by on a
golf cart.
VAL (CONTD)
My god, I would bang the heck out
of him.
The production assistant is distracted by a figure on the
horizon. He crashes his golf cart into another golf cart.
He and the other driver dont even care. Theyre both
hypnotized by the beauty of...
AMBER KRYZGNWZSKI (20s), a glamorous woman. Hyperreal, like
a special effect.
KRISTEN
My god, shes beautiful.
VAL
Do not tell her that. Its tough
enough to work with her as it is.
KRISTEN
Shes a stand in? For Deena? But
they look nothing alike.
VAL
And somehow she gets away with it.
A guy walks by Amber. Distracted by, he walks into a post,
whacking his nuts.
VAL (CONTD)
I know. Shes even nice, so I dont
even have a good reason to hate
her. What a bitch.
Amber walks up to the door. She smiles at Val and Kristen.
AMBER
Hi Val. You must be the new girl,
Im Amber. Ill see you inside.

10.

KRISTEN
I-I-I-- uh...
Amber heads inside. Kristen is stunned.
VAL
I thought you were straight.
KRISTEN
I thought I was-VAL
Dont worry about it. Everyones
gay for Amber. It wears off in a
couple weeks.
EXT. FAKE KITCHEN -- DAY
The DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY consults with his team.
Peter joins Jason on the set of a fake kitchen. Jason is at
the sink. He wears a chefs hat and stirs and empty bowl.
Hes standing in for the ROSS-TYPE.
Kristen, Val, and Amber sit around. Amber is on her laptop.
Shes always on her laptop.
JASON
heres the scene: Donnas
identical cousin is visiting and
youre trying to retrieve her fake
breast from that dumb waiter.
PETER
The writing on this show is just
amazing.
AUSTIN KOLBRENNER (18) shows up. Hes a gangly comedy geek
with aspirations of manhood. He wears a UCB teeshirt.
AUSTIN
What up muchachos? This is the
season, I feel it.
JASON
Thats the spirit. Youre going to
get an agent? Book a commercial?
AUSTIN
I am going to make Chelsea
Carmichael my girlfriend.

11.

He looks adoringly at a the RACHEL-TYPE TV star who gets her

makeup done.
JASON
Chelsea Carmichael? The star of
this series?
PETER
Last year the episode where she met
her bizarro fat version of herself?
You couldnt closer it with that
girls stand in.
AUSTIN
But last year, I was a mere
background player. An extra. This
year Im a stand-in. Were part of
the crew.
A CYNICAL TEAMSTER walks by, snickers at that.
CYNICAL TEAMSTER
Oh yeah. Absolutely.
AUSTIN
Thats techincally true.
In the background a bunch of actual crew members race to
build a set. They sweat as they use powertools.
Austins phone buzzes.
AUSTIN (CONTD)
Ooh, I have a building ready in
Clash of Clans.
JASON
Wait a minute, who are you standing
in for.
PETER
And you legitimately think you have
a chance with Chelsea Carmichael?
AUSTIN
I heard Im replacing Andy.
JASON
Andys out? But he didnt say
anything.

12.

PETER
I mean Chelsea Carmichael makes a
quarter million an episode. We make
17 an hour.
AUSTIN
We all know you hate hope, but some
of us dare to dream.
PETER
Are you 19 yet?
AUSTIN
I dont see how thats relevant.
The real actors come in, the Joey-type, the Chandler-type,
the Ross-type. They take over from the stand ins.
AUSTIN (CONTD)
Whats up, Im youre new stand in.
Check it, i think the light is
better just to the left of the wine
cooler.
MARSHA THE AD
Dont talk to the actors, kid.
INT. FAKE COFFEE SHOP -- DAY
You know the type. Just as regular sitcom characters have a
hangout, these characters hang out in the TV set version of a
hangout.
Amber sits on a couch, on her lap top. Shes always on her
laptop. Kristen and Val sit nearby.
KRISTEN
I cant believe we get to hang on
the Java Jive set. Remember when
Danny had that big pitch meeting
here, and the guy kept falling
alseep and Danny was like If you
think thats good, wait till you
heark the kicker, and the guy was
like o please god no. And then
Karen came in in the hotdog outfit?
Kristens really into it. She does voices and everything.
VAL
Ive never seen the show. You guys?
Amber, Peter, and Jason all shake their heads.

13.

JASON
I keep meaning to.
AUSTIN
Ive seen every episode. Chelsea
Carmichael is so funny on the
commentaries.
JASON
Hey, Val! Amber, stop typing.
Youre supposed to be playing
against type.
Amber laughs more than the bad joke deserves. She gets a kick
out Jason. They fist bump. Jason notices Kristen.
KRISTEN
Hi! Its really nice to meet you,
Jason!
JASON
You know me? Have you seen the web
series I did about lacrosse?
Peter points to a piece of tape on Jasons shirt. It says
Jason, stand in for Chet.
JASON (CONTD)
Oh, right. Anyway, welcome to our
litte family.
PETER
A family that just replaced Andy.
KRISTEN
And what happened to the girl Im
replacing?
AMBER
Nikki? She was stealing from our
backpacks to feed her drug habit.
JASON
Every family has a black sheep. And
Im sure Andys fine.
VAL
You didnt hear?
Val tosses a copy of Variety.
JASON
Oh my god! Michael Ovitz is
starting a fund to help animals?

14.

AUSTIN
The other article.
INSERT: THE ARTICLE. A picture of ANDY, a handsome Jewish
guy who you wouldnt trust around your sister.
CSI: PITTSBURGH adds new series regular Andy Keener.
The rest of the page is defaced with a sharpie: I quit!!!
AUSTIN (CONTD)
He sent in 100 of these, via
messenger.
JASON
Im sure if he knew how that could
be read as douchey, he might not
have done it.
VAL
Im surprised you didnt know. I
thought you guys were besties.
JASON
Were not besties because were not
girls at a slumber party. And, uh,
of course I knew.
JASON (CONTD)
Uh... of course I knew.
Everyone looks at him skeptically. Peter feels bad.
PETER
Its true. Jason was just talking
about texting him over the weekend.
Its a good save, but Jason doesnt get it.
JASON
No, remember, I was telling you
that I hadnt heard from him.
AUSTIN
You know, for an an aspiring actor,
youre a truly lousy liar.
KRISTEN
Aw, I miss my boyfriend.
JASON
Fine, I havent heard from him. But
Im sure hes busy with stuff.

15.

VAL
Hes been blowing up Ambers snap
chat all day.
Amber shrugs, apologetically.
JASON
I gotta make a call.
EXT. STUDIO 27 -- DAY
Jason is on the phone, outside the studio. A gaggle of
gaffers chain smoke American spirits.
Intercut with TRACY, Jasons girlfriend. She drives a car.
TRACY
Im sure hes just busy. Dont
worry about it babe.
JASON
Thanks Tracy. Youre my rock. I
love you babe.
Tracy hangs up. She shakes her head.
TRACY
Poor Jason. Its not like him to
worry.
Pull back to reveal that Tracy is sitting in a car with ANDY.
He has his hand on her leg.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL: That theyre actually in a car on a set.
ANDY
Theres a part of me that kind of
feels like a bad guy.
Tracy interrupts him with a kiss.
END ACT ONE

16.

ACT TWO
INT. FAKE COFFEE SHOP -- DAY
Jason re-enters the fake coffee shop, where Peter, Val,
Kristen, Austin and Amber are all sitting around. Amber is on
her laptop.
AUSTIN
Okay. Well, if he can get a series,
I should be next. I paid my dues.
JASON
Arent you like 19?
AUSTIN
18, actually. But thats a ripe old
age for Hollywood. Just you watch,
Jason. Im gonna make it next. Ill
be rolling in honeys. You know what
Im talking about.
JASON
I just want to do the work.
MARSHA THE AD
Quiet, dorks. Now heres the scene:
Donnas identical cousin is
visiting and youre trying to
retrieve her fake breast from that
dumb waiter.
Jason climbs halfway into the dumbwaiter. A camera guy shines
a light meter on his butt. Jason smiles, sincerely loving
every moment of his job.
VAL
I dont actually watch this show.
AMBER
I keep meaning to...
KRISTEN
(disappointed)
Oh. Its just the show that got me
through the last year of saving up
to move to LA and kept me from
despair, but... yeah, okay.
INT. FAKE LIVING ROOM SET -- DAY
Peter, Jason, and Austin are all on the couch.

17.

MARSHA THE AD
Alright, one more rehearsal before
we bring in first team.
She nods to first team, the actual stars, who lurk in
directors chairs, texting on their phones.
Rehearsal is where the Stand Ins run through lines while the
cameras practice blocking. Austin starts.
AUSTIN
(reading badly)
So guys, I think well need a new
plan to save the bar.
PETER
(doesnt care)
No, we have to. Ive had some of
the happiest moments of my life
there. Also, Ive hung out with you
guys.
Jason takes a moment, readies himself. He begins to act. Hes
actually not bad, but he reeks of effort.
JASON
Damn straight. That place is a
home. And without a home, how can a
family be a family?
MARSHA THE AD
Alright, thats a cut on rehearsal Second team take five, were going
to shoot this part with the guys,
and get everyone in on the
turnaround.
AUSTIN
You know that theyre just checking
sound, right? Chet doesnt put that
much effort into it, and hes paid
a quarter million an episode.
JASON
Chet is a very successful actor. He
makes it look easy because he
worked hard at his craft.
Austin and Peter look dubious. The SOUND GUY begins laughing.
SOUND GUY
Sorry, I had the mic on you Jason.
Yeah, you keep believing.

18.

Jason considers the cynicism, shakes it off. He, Peter, and

Austin go to the craft service table to eat snacks.
JASON
Ill bet your eating your words,
Peter. You said Id never make it.
PETER
I said the odds were unlikely-JASON
Potato-potahto. Odds, Schmods. Uh,
theres gotta be a third one...
Jason struggles, he looks to Peter for help.
PETER
Im wrong, so Im changing my song?
JASON
Yes, that! In your face, Peter.
AUSTIN
You havent made it, Andy has. Has
he even texted you yet?
JASON
Not, yet, but hes loyal. Andys my
bro. He has been since we met in
line at Central Casting. Thats a
sacred bond. Im sure hes just
busy.
Val joins them at the snack table.
JASON (CONTD)
He hasnt been too busy to hit up
Amber on Snapchat.
Jason takes that in. Austin is about to say something, but
Peter shakes his head to stop him.
JASON (CONTD)
Hey, new girl! Im Jason.
KRISTEN
Hi! Its really nice to meet you,
Jason!
JASON
You know me? Have you seen the web
series I did about lacrosse?

19.

Peter points to a piece of tape on Jasons shirt. It says

Jason, stand in for Chet.
JASON (CONTD)
Its nice to see a friendly face.
All these guys are sipping the
haterade.
Amber looks up and chuckles. She gets a kick out of Jason.
VAL
Shes been out here for one day.
Youve been here for six years.
Dont you think its a little
strange that there isnt a sliver
of daylight between your two
perspectives?
JASON
Nope.
KRISTEN
So let me get this straight. Were
being paid to sit around?
PETER
Yes, often for 14 hour days. Lucky
old us.
JASON
Its all about maximizing your
time, guys! Take me, Im reading up
on this play for my scene study
class.
KRISTEN
Oh, The tale of Marty and Bob? I
love that play! Which character are
you leaning toward?
Jason pauses, caught.
JASON
Okay, Ill start this tomorrow. My
point is that cynicism is the great
killer.
KRISTEN
I mean, there must be some upward
mobility. I mean, this Andy guy got
on CSI!

20.

PETER, AUSTIN, VAL

(in unison)
Its just CSI: PITTSBURGH.
KRISTEN
Anyway, the point is, miracles can
happen.
AMBER
Yes, if youre willing to screw the
casting director. I saw him with
Gertrude Hastings at Robert Evans
Mid Summer Equinox Bash.
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. ROBERT EVANS HOUSE -- NIGHT
A wild party. Rich Hollywood types in black tie mill about.
Dsperate model/actress/whatevers in humiliating PG-13 bondage
gear stand around like human statues.
Amber, a guest, is bored. She combs her hair while checking
her phone. She sees Andy with the aforementioned GERTRUDE
(70s), a squat troll of a woman. They make out furiously.
Amber rolls her eyes, grossed out. She gets up and approaches
one of the human statues.
AMBER
Wheres the bathroom?
The model struggles to articulate an answer through her ball
gag. She ends up pointing instead. Its Val.
BACK TO:
INT. FAKE COFFE SHOP -- DAY
AMBER
That was you?
AUSTIN
Well? Go on. What else happened at
the bondage ball?
KRISTEN
Anyway, my point is that it can
happen.

21.

AMBER
Sure, and men can lactate. Its
just not real common.
Austin sidles up next to Kristen, throws an arm around her
shoulders.
AUSTIN
I used to think just like you. But
this town makes you wise.
VAL
You were in high school last year.
AUSTIN
And look how far Ive come.
Marsha the AD comes in.
MARSHA THE AD
Austin, we need you to photo
double... get changed and were
going to throw pudding at you.
Austin leaves, throwing a smirk at the others.
AUSTIN
Jealous?
JASON
Thats the problem, for a city full
of dreamers, no one dreams right.
If you work hard, amazing things
will happen. Andy said that. Hes
gonna be like George Clooney. When
he got big, he rented a house and
all his friends moved in there. Now
theyre all big stars.
VAL
Who?
JASON
I dunno, that one guy from Spin
City. Someone else... the point is,
were a family. Remember, Andy said
that at the Christmas party.
PETER
We were all really drunk. Like Val
on a Tuesday evening drunk.

22.

VAL
From what little I remember, I was
impressed by that.
AMBER
Remember when Andy lost all that
weight and he dumped his girlfriend
for Heather Grahams stunt double?
JASON
Look, That place is a home. And
without a home, how can a family be
a family?
PETER
You literally stole that from the
scene we just did.
JASON
Wisdom can come from many sources,
Peter.
KRISTEN
Look, I know Im new here, but you
guys seem really nice. I think its
great that you all get along. Do
you want to get drinks after work?
Everyone hesitates. No one loves the idea.
AMBER
I guess theres a first time for
everything.
JASON
Weve hung out.
PETER
Yeah, the Christmas party... that
one time in Encino.
EXT. ENCINO -- FLASHBACK
The second team are at their cars at a lot that overlooks the
405. Its gridlocked.
AMBER
Wow, its a parking lot out there.
PETER
We could get drinks at the bar over
there.

23.

VAL
Or we could sit quietly in our own
cars.
They consider that, spending way more time thinking about
that than they really out to.
BACK TO:
INT. STAGE 27 -- DAY
The stand-ins, as before.
VAL
Other than that, it was always you
and Andy.
Jason considers that. Sad.
JASON
Im going to make a call.
He wanders away. Val whispers to Amber and Kristen.
VAL
Okay, this is getting sad. Amber,
can you just tell Andy to text
Jason so hell shut up?
AMBER
Would that really be doing him a
favor?
KRISTEN
Well, sure it would--Jason reenters.
JASON
You all think Andys dumping me,
dont you? Hell text me.
Just then, Ambers phone buzzes. Its face up, a distance
away, so Jason can see its a text from Andy.
INSERT: Hey Amber, Im on the lot! Lets get lunch! Lots to
celebrate.
AMBER
Um, pretend you didnt see that.

24.

KRISTEN
Okay, hes hitting on Amber, but I
mean, look at her.
AMBER
Aw, thanks!
JASON
So if Andys on the lot. And he
didnt text me? That means... I can
say hi and surprise him. Cover for
me, Amber. Say Im in the bathroom.
AMBER
I really dont want that
responsibility.
But Jason is already out the door.
KRISTEN
You and Andy arent dating, right?
VAL
Yeah, because if theres one thing
Amber could never have, its a 12th
billed regular on a low-rated show.
Peter, Amber, and Val all have a good laugh at that.
big laugh. Kristen frowns.
KRISTEN
Jasons right. This city has made
you guys cynical. If you think the
best of people-PETER.
Kristen, everyone here is here
because they want to be amazing.
Loved. Famous. You cant want that
unless a part of you wants to be
with cooler people than youre
currently with.
VAL
Thats a dick thing to say, Peter.
PETER
Am I wrong?
Val shuts up.
KRISTEN
Yeah. I think you are.

Like a

25.

PETER
You sure stuck it out with all the
people who loved you in Alabama.
Kristen reacts as if struck. Peter instantly regrets what he
said. The moment just hangs there.
Excuse me.
boyfriend.

KRISTEN
I have to call my

She leaves. Val and Amber look at Peter askance.

VAL
Nice, Peter. Want to kick some
puppies while youre at it? I have
a sick cousin in the hospital, you
can tell him hes not gonna get
well.
PETER
Look, it had to be said. Im not
wrong, am I?
They just look at him.
PETER (CONTD)
I didnt mean-- I mean, shell have
to learn sooner or later...
For the first time, Amber looks up from her computer.
Disappointed, not unkind.
AMBER
Peter, Im just going to ask you
this as a friend: when in your life
has you being right ever made
someone else happy?
PETER
God damn it, Im going after her.
AMBER
Were about to shoot.
PETER
Tell Marsha Im in the bathroom.
AMBER
But Jason already-But Peters gone. Val thinks about it, gets up.

26.

VAL
You know what to do.
AMBER
Where are you going?
VAL
The bathroom. Some of us have
actual needs.
Amber is left alone. Marsha comes in.
MARSHA
What do you actually do on that
computer all day?
AMBER
Video poker.
MARSHA THE AD
Seriously?
AMBER
I only make 100 an hour, but it
relaxes me.
MARSHA THE AD
What the hell are you ever doing
here?
AMBER
Health insurance. Im too short to
model, Im a terrible actor, and
the less said about that hip hop
album the sheik made me record, the
better.
MARSHA THE AD
Where is everyone?
AMBER
They all went to the bathroom. Um,
you know how girls who live
together all get on the same cycle?
MARSHA THE AD
Fine, dont tell me.
EXT. STUDIO -- DAY
Jason jogs across the lot, heading to the commissary.

27.

He sees Andy at a table, sporting douche bag shades. Jason is

delighted. He jogs over.
A slow motion jogging shot. Reunited and it feels so good.
Its basically a send up of that cliche shot of lovers
running through the meadow as Ode to Joy plays.
But then Andys face is blocked by something. A womans head.
Wider to reveal... Tracy sitting on Andys lap. Jason was so
fixated on Andy that he literally did not see her until now,
when hes 5 feet away from Andys table.
Realization dawns. Jason stares at Andy and Tracy
heartbroken.
JASON
My girlfriend. My best friend...
how...
Jason falls to his knees. Lets out a scream to the heavens.
JASON (CONTD)
Nooooooooooooooo!
They see him, their eyes widen, Andys lip still gently
extended between Tracys pearly white teeth.
TRACY
(teeth on Andys lip)
On some level, I think I wanted him
to see us.
End Act Two

28.

ACT THREE
EXT. COMMISARY -- DAY
Andy and Tracy sit awkwardly, busted.
Jason is on his knees.
JASON
Nooooooooooooooooooooo!
TRACY
After the third time you do that,
it loses impact.
JASON
Well its how I feel. How long has
this been going on?
ANDY
I dont know. When did we meet
again?
JASON
Two years and four months ago. We
met in line at Central Casting.
ANDY
Oh, then about two years and three
months. She hasnt been happy in a
long time, Jason.
TRACY
I can speak for myself, Andy.
She struggles for words.
TRACY (CONTD)
I havent been happy in a long
time, Jason.
JASON
Neither have I. But relationships
take work. I-She shakes her head sadly. And Jasons hope dies.
JASON (CONTD)
No, youre right.
He turns away, choking back tears. His shoulders shake as he
fights the sobs. He forces himself to adopt a transparently
desperate attempt at false joy.

29.

JASON (CONTD)
Boy.... This is going to make
things difficult on our web show,
huh Andy?
Andy and Tracy exchange looks.
EXT. STUDIO -- DAY
Peter runs across the lot looking for Kristen.
He finds her walking by Studio 29.
PETER
Where are you going?
KRISTEN
Away. To my car. Home.
PETER
Kristen, thats not-KRISTEN
Shut up! I dont care about this
stupid job. I just want to go.
PETER
I mean, thats not the garage you
parked in.
He points to the other garage, seemingly miles away.
Kristen looks at the shitty Xerox map from act one. She
shreds it in anger.
KRISTEN
I really hate this place.
PETER
Im really sorry-KRISTEN
No youre not. Youre apologizing
because you think Im pretty and
you want to sleep with me.
PETER
So?
Kristen shakes her head, fighting a smile.

30.

PETER (CONTD)
You have trouble staying mad at
people, huh?
KRISTEN
I really do and I hate myself for
it.
(thinks about it)
No, I cant stay mad at me...
PETER
Well, then stay mad at me. I
deserve it. Im awful. I act like I
know everything. I act like Im
better than people because I lost
all hope years ago.
KRISTEN
How long did that take?
PETER
About a year. I had a great girl, I
had a dream and I screwed up both
by being me. I swore Id change,
but true to form, I stopped trying.
KRISTEN
At least you lasted a year. It took
me what, a day?
PETER
Yeah, but you had me to help you.
Im like the Michael Jordan of
stepping on dreams.
KRISTEN
It took me a year to save up to
move here. I was hoping, itd be, I
dunno... Awesome. I know that
sounds stupid.
PETER
No, it makes perfect sense.
Hollywood is well known as an
artistic Mecca for the sensitive.
KRISTEN
Why is being a sarcastic dick your
go to move?
PETER
Its my comfort zone. Im sorry.
Im trying to change. Or at least I
was.

31.

KRISTEN
Hows this? Next time you do, Im
just going to poke you. Itll
change your pattern. It works for
the dog whisperer.
Peter is about to say something. Kristen pokes him.
PETER
Wow, that actually worked. Youre
really nice, Kristen.
KRISTEN
Awww, thanks.
(pause)
Were never going to date.
PETER
True. I have no game. Can we jump
ahead to the point where weve
settled into an easy friendship?
KRISTEN
Wouldnt that just mean youre
simmering with a burning resentment
and hostility?
PETER
Then lets skip ahead to after
were amicably divorced. Theres a
mutual respect, but were just not
compatible.
KRISTEN
Maybe we had a kid who died. But he
was like, retarded, so its not as
sad as it otherwise could be.
PETER
Thats really dark.
KRISTEN
I have other facets.
PETER
Well, well always have the good
times!
EXT. STUDIO -- DAY
Peter and Kristen walk back to the studio.
They see Jason with Andy.

32.

ANDY
Jason, Id love to help you out,
but every time I see you Ill
remember how I did you wrong with
Tracy. Do you really want to put me
through that?
JASON
I guess not...
ANDY
I have a meeting with Brett
Ratners people. Ill see you
around, man.
Andy smiles douchilly and leaves.
Jason is shattered. Peter and Kristen approach.
KRISTEN
Are you okay?
JASON
No. Nothing is okay. You were right
and I was wrong.
Peters phone buzzes.
PETER
Can we discuss this on the way back
to the set? Amber says if were not
there in five, were all fired.
JASON
Whats the point? We get to stand
around in service of nothing. Do
you really think Im going to get
excited by the chance to struggle
in service of nothing. So I can
suffer in the desert? Fall in love
with girls who leave you for more
money and more coke?
PETER
Thats your basic high school
nihilism. Where do you even get
that nonsense?
JASON
You said it. At the Christmas
party.
PETER
Goddamn it.

33.

Peter gives up on logic and just grabs Jason and drags him
along bodily. Jason is to depressed to resist.
INT. FAKE LIVING ROOM SET -- DAY
The stand ins are all in the living room. They are rehearsing
the same scene as before, except this time the girls are
there.
Awkward tension.
MARSHA THE AD
Guys, who died? Remember, youre
all friends. Lets see some energy!
Goddamn, I wish I got paid to surf
the web all day.
AUSTIN
(reading badly)
So guys, I think well need a new
plan to save the bar.
Peter looks around. He tries to meet Jasons gaze, but Jason
is lost in his sadness.
PETER
We have to. Ive had some of the
happiest moments of my life there.
Also, Ive hung out with you guys.
This is a different Peter. Emotional. Invested. Sorry.
Jason smiles at Peter, claps him on the shoulder.
JASON
Damn straight. That place is a
home. And without a home, how can a
family be a family?
(Note to actor who ends up playing Jason. Please make this
line, really, really fucking good).
Even the cynical sound guy and Wendell the teamster are given
a pause by the force of his read.
AMBER
Are you guys still talking about
this?
PETER
Its about more than this.

34.

VAL
This is stupid and I dont want to
be a part of it.
(pause)
Im in.
KRISTEN
You guys...
She smiles. A nice moment for everyone.
MARSHA THE AD
Second team? This is when you hug.
The second team all do a group hug. They mean it.
AUSTIN
(reading badly)
Uh, guys, that vibrator I bought?
Its gone boo-boo bananas.
The second team all look at him sharply.
AUSTIN (CONTD)
What? Its in the sides.
MARSHA THE AD
Okay, thats a wrap on rehearsal.
Lets get first team in and shoot
this puppy.
INT. VIDEO VILLAGE -- DAY
On the first team, the stars, standing by, ready to shoot the
scene for real.
The RACHEL-TYPE character raises an eyebrow.
RACHEL-TYPE
Damn, theyre really bringing their
A game.
ROSS-TYPE
What?
The others totally ignore the moment, absorbed in their cell
phones. The real stars take the place of their stand-ins.
INT. STAGE 27 -- NIGHT
The second team all sits around.

35.

MARSHA THE AD
That is a wrap!
The crew cheers and begins taking down the lights and such.
INT. FAKE COFFEE SHOP -- DAY
The Stand Ins gather up their stuff.
JASON
I didnt know you could act, Peter.
PETER
That? That was me just talking with
emotion.
JASON
I didnt know you could do that
either. Anyway, thank you. I was at
my lowest today, and you were
totally cool.
PETER
Thats the problem with high hopes.
They lead to big crashes.
JASON
I dont mind. The walls that keep
out disappointment also keep out
joy.
PETER
Who said that?
JASON
Andy. But hes right. Im not going
to let this city change me. And if
you want, Ill cut you in on this
web series. Itll be huge.
PETER
Jason, that sounds idio-Kristen walks by. She pokes him.
PETER (CONTD)
Well talk.
Marsha the AD signs them out.
MARSHA THE AD
Get out of here. See you in 8
hours, bright and early.

36.

EXT. STUDIO -- NIGHT

The stand ins leave as a group. Kristen smiles at Peter.
KRISTEN
Nicely done.
PETER
Thanks. Hey, our hypothetical dead
kid. Whats his name?
KRISTEN
(thinks)
Asa.
PETER
Thats a nice name.
KRISTEN
Glad youre on board. Im still not
going to sleep with you.
PETER
Good. Whos asking you?
KRISTEN
You, with every fiber of your
being.
JASON
Hell of a day.
AMBER
I had concert tickets. Oh well.
AUSTIN
Why would you buy tickets on a day
you were working?
AMBER
Buy?
She pulls a brick sized stack of gift wrap tickets out of her
purse. She peels off the top two and throws them out.
VAL
I need to mainline some sleep.
They all agree.
JASON
Or -- and I know this is crazy,
you guys could let me buy you a
round of drinks.

37.

No one wants to, but then they all nod.

AUSTIN
Im 18.
JASON
Still? God, man, up your ID game.
AUSTIN
We could go to a restaurant that
serves food and spirits. I could
sit their and it would almost be
the same.
PETER
I live a half mile from here. We
can go there, have one drink, and
then you call all kindly go home.
JASON
Great, lets all go to Peters,
where I suddenly realize Ill be
staying tonight because I cant go
home to Tracy, after all.
PETER
Great...
Peter spits this out sardonically, but then Kristen pokes him
in the ribs and he smiles.
EXT. THE STUDIO -- NIGHT
The stand-ins all leave the studio in their various,
character appropriate cars.
END THIRD ACT

38.

TAG
The actual scene.
ROSS-TYPE
So guys, I think well need a new
plan to save the bar.
JOEY-TYPE
No, we have to. Ive had some of
the happiest moments of my life
there. Also, Ive hung out with you
guys.
The cast looks tired, phoning in the lines in every way
possible. Its not good.
INT. EDITING ROOM -- NIGHT
Two producers watch the dailies and frown.
PRODUCER 1
Hard to believe theres 10 million
dollars worth of talent on that
stage.
Producer 2 scribbles something on an index card.
PRODUCER 2
You know, if we changed this line
in scene 13, we could cut this
entirely. Save it for the DVD.
Producer 1 reads it.
PRODUCER
Yeah, thats way better. Welp,
today was 450,000 well spent.
PRODUCER 2
At least were working.
They leave the editing bay, down a hallway where workmen hang
new poster for CSI: PITTSBURGH featuring a smiling Andy with
his arm around Kate Upton.
END OF SHOW