SECOND TEAM

"Pilot"

ACT ONE
INT. JASON AND TRACYS BEDROOM -- DAY
JASON HARTHOUSE (20s) dresses in front of his Ikea mirror.
He consults a cheesy Target flyer, consults a picture of a
cheesily handsome model in hip shirt and jeans.
Jason is the model in the flyer. Hes wearing that outfit.
His girlfriend TRACY CALHOUN (20s, aspiring actress type)
groans from the bed they share.
JASON
Youre sure you dont want to drive
to the studio together? We can get
breakfast!
TRACY
Do I want to cheat myself of 90
minutes of sleep so I can eat a
McMuffin with you and then wait for
work to start? No.
JASON
Ill miss your pretty face. Have
you seen my Rolex?
TRACY
That $20 dollar piece of brass you
bought from a flea market in
Tijuana? Its in the bathroom.
JASON
He said I looked like a million
bucks.
TRACY
Salesmen always say that.
JASON
Well, they cant all be wrong. How
do I look?
TRACY
Youre a stand-in. Theyll be
happy if you show up wearing pants.
JASON
Its like Andy always say, dress
for success!

2.

TRACY
Have you heard from him?
JASON
No. Its weird. We had plans this
weekend. Ill see him on set. Ill
be hes got some crazy stories!
TRACY
I hope that if I die, youll be as
sad as you are about not getting a
text from your male friend.
JASON
You dont have to be jealous. Andy
never is.
Tracy throws a pillow at him.
JASON (CONTD)
Im being inconsiderate. Maybe we
can get lunch on set.
TRACY
My show is catered. Your show is
catered. Lunch is expensive.
JASON
Youre always worth it. Today is
going to be a great day.
TRACY
You always say that.
JASON
Its always true.
He gives her a kiss, which she returns sleepily.
EXT. EDISON STUDIOS -- DAY
Jason drives a Miata in standstill valley traffic. The sun
has yet to rise, but he has the top down.
A giant studio in the valley. Imagine if Warner, Disney, and
CBS Radford had a baby. The famous EDISON STUDIOS water tower
looms over all, shading the equally famous statue of studio
founder Thomas Edison.
Jason passes a billboard for DISTANT COUSINS. The six
attractive stars frolic in an iconic fountain. He smiles.

3.
Jason looks at the Chandler-type actor. They could be
brothers, except Joey is more brooding, and Jason is more
handsome in a Sears-model way.
He flicks the billboard a cheery salute as he heads past the
front gates. Hold on the front gate as his little car recedes
to a massive parking structure, a ridiculous ways away.
EXT. STUDIO -- DAY
Jason walks up to JOE (40s), a security guard who mans the
side gate, flashes some ID.
JASON
Hey, Joe, what do you know?
JOE
Jason. My dawg. Sorry for the new
greeting. HR came to talk to me.
JASON
Sorry. Truth be told, I never felt
black enough for that honor.
EXT. STAGE 27 -- DAY
A giant sound stage. Various CREW load in equipment via the
elephant door on the side. Jason waves to one.
JASON
Hey, Amy, how was Gwens recital?
AMY THE PA
She danced like an angel. Ill show
you the tape.
JASON
Id like that.
Jason passes by PETER FOSSE (30s, sardonic), who puffs on a
vape while leaning against stage 27.
JASON (CONTD)
Sup, Pete? Have you seen todays
sides yet?
PETER
Theyre crap. I mean, I dont have
them, but its a safe bet.

4.
JASON
Your cynicism hurts me, man. The
writers on their show are at the
top of their craft.
PETER
Our show is friends, but with
Distant Cousins.
JASON
All shows have similarities.
PETER
Even our theme song...
JASON
(singing)
So no one revealed that its all
down to family...
(thinks)
Okay, its close. But they moved
some notes around. Anyway, you
seen Andy around?
PETER
No, I havent. Hes your friend,
text him.
JASON
I couldnt reach him this weekend.
(Jason seems puzzled this)
Well, Im going to get some
breakfast. Todays going to be a
great day, I can feel it.
PETER
You always say that.
JASON
Amd Im always right. Its like
Andy says, were all one phone call
from the big acting break that
changes our lives.
PETER
I dont act.
Jason looks at Peter like he said his mother just died.
JASON
Oh, right. I forgot.
Jason enters the studio, Peter shakes his head. His vape
dies. He shakes it, checks the battery. Typical.

5.
JASON (CONTD)
I read a report that those ecigarettes are worse than the real
thing.
PETER
You also read a report that quartz
necklaces prevented pregnancy. Im
going to grab my spare battery.
INT. STUDIO 27 -- DAY
Jason enters the studio, where an an army of workers light a
fake apartment with 5ks.
EXT. FAKE LIVING ROOM -- DAY
He goes up to touch an iconic couch, reverently. A pilgrim at
Mecca. MARSHA THE ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (30s), think Bart
Simpsons teacher, walks up to him.
MARSHA THE AD
Ive told you not to touch that,
kid.
JASON
Sorry, Marsha. I hope you had an
amazing weekend.
MARSHA THE AD
I have a hangover and a sore
cervix.
JASON
Marsha, you are as lovely as you
are grouchy.
MARSHA THE AD
Technically, youre not on the
clock till seven, but do you mind
starting early?
JASON
Nope. Not at all.
Marsha shakes her head with familiar exasperation. She hands
Jason some papers.
MARSHA THE AD
Come on, wardrobe dropped off your
color cover.

6.
Marsha hands Jason a cheap blue sweatshirt. They walk to set.
Jason passes the CHANDLER-TYPE ACTOR. He is dressed in
character, in a blue leather jacket - its the same color as
Jasons borrowed sweatshirt, but like $3,000 more better.
JASON
Looking good man!
Jason offers the Chandler-Type a cheery nod. The actor
ignores him completely.
JASON (CONTD)
Ah, well. Hes busy. He has a lot
of lines to memorize. Im sure hes
a great guy-MARSHA THE AD
Anythings possible.
EXT. THE STUDIO -- DAY
Peter walks back from the garage, puffing on his vaporizer.
He sees a pretty girl that makes him stop in his tracks.
KRISTEN BRYANT (24, a tall, slim southern belle with dark
hair) is running late. She looks at all the identical studio
building, completely lost.
She checks a poorly xeroxed map of the lot. No clue. She
drops her purse, struggles to catch it.
Peter walks up, helps.
PETER
Youve never done this before, huh?
Come on, you can follow me to stage
27.
KRISTEN
Thanks. What are you, psychic?
PETER
I know youre a stand in cause you
look like Deenas prettier sister.
I know its your first day because
no one whos done this job would
wear heels if they didnt have to.
KRISTEN
Nice deduction. Im Kristen. And
you must be... Martys stand in?
You look just like him.

7.
PETER
Well, youre either very kind or a
complete liar.
KRISTEN
Aspiring liar. Thats what my
boyfriend calls acting, anyway.
PETER
He sounds great.
KRISTEN
Im from Alabama (Roll Tide). But
its my first day, and Im already
running late. Not a great start to
my amazing Hollywood career.
PETER
Its an accurate harbinger of
things to come.
KRISTEN
So how long have you been acting?
PETER
I dont act.
KRISTEN
But you did, right?
(off his look)
I mean, you stand and talk like
someone who took Alexander classes.
PETER
Wow. Im impressed.
KRISTEN
I have my moments. So whats the
story there?
PETER
Hey, look, were here.
VAL (29) emerges from the studio. She wears juicy pants and a
low cut top that shows off her ample cleavage. She looks like
the Jersey Shore version of the Phoebe-knock off shes
playing.
PETER (CONTD)
Kristen, this is Val. Neither do as
she says nor does.

8.
VAL
Oh, get bent Spock. They need you
on stage.
Peter leaves, throwing a last admiring look at Kristen.
VAL (CONTD)
Screw him, Im classy for days.
She fishes in her bra, pulls out her Nicorette gum.
VAL (CONTD)
Nicotine gum? I swear my tits dont
sweat much.
Kristen takes a piece, tentatively chews. Val chews a new
piece, tucks the used piece back in her cleavage.
VAL (CONTD)
You can get a contact high from the
chewed pieces. Come on, Ill show
you around. Dont mind Peter, he
considers any kind of hope a moral
failing.
KRISTEN
Ah, he was cool.
VAL
Then you have low standards. Hes
like the burnt out version of one
of them... whattyacall em? Always
finish last?
KRISTEN
Nice guys?
VAL
Yeah, that. You meet all kinds of
people in this job that youd never
meet in life. Watch out for em,
every guy here treats this place
like its speed dating. Guys are
pigs...
Just then, a handsome PRODUCTION ASSISTANT drives by on a
golf cart.
VAL (CONTD)
My god, I would bang the heck out
of him.
The production assistant is distracted by a figure on the
horizon. He crashes his golf cart into another golf cart.

9.
He and the other driver dont even care. Theyre both
hypnotized by the beauty of...
AMBER KRYZGNWZSKI (20s), a glamorous woman. Hyperreal, like
a special effect.
KRISTEN
My god, shes beautiful.
VAL
Do not tell her that. Its tough
enough to work with her as it is.
KRISTEN
Shes a stand in? For Deena? But
they look nothing alike.
VAL
And somehow she gets away with it.
A guy walks by Amber. Distracted by, he walks into a post,
whacking his nuts.
VAL (CONTD)
I know. Shes even nice, so I dont
even have a good reason to hate
her. What a bitch.
Amber walks up to the door. She smiles at Val and Kristen.
AMBER
Hi Val. You must be the new girl,
Im Amber. Ill see you inside.
KRISTEN
I-I-I-- uh...
Amber heads inside. Kristen is stunned.
VAL
I thought you were straight.
KRISTEN
I thought I was-VAL
Dont worry about it. Everyones
gay for Amber. It wears off in a
couple weeks.
EXT. FAKE KITCHEN -- DAY
The DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY consults with his team.

10.
Peter joins Jason on the set of a fake kitchen. Jason is at
the sink. He wears a chefs hat and stirs and empty bowl.
Hes standing in for the ROSS-TYPE.
Kristen, Val, and Amber sit around. Amber is on her laptop.
Shes always on her laptop.
JASON
heres the scene: Donnas
identical cousin is visiting and
youre trying to retrieve her fake
breast from that dumb waiter.
PETER
The writing on this show is just
amazing.
AUSTIN KOLBRENNER (18) shows up. Hes a gangly comedy geek
with aspirations of manhood. He wears a UCB teeshirt.
AUSTIN
What up muchachos? This is the
season, I feel it.
JASON
Thats the spirit. Youre going to
get an agent? Book a commercial?
AUSTIN
I am going to make Chelsea
Carmichael my girlfriend.
He looks adoringly at a the RACHEL-TYPE TV star who gets her
makeup done.
JASON
Chelsea Carmichael? The star of
this series?
PETER
Last year the episode where she met
her bizarro fat version of herself?
You couldnt closer it with that
girls stand in.
AUSTIN
But last year, I was a mere
background player. An extra. This
year Im a stand-in. Were part of
the crew.
A CYNICAL TEAMSTER walks by, snickers at that.

11.
CYNICAL TEAMSTER
Oh yeah. Absolutely.
AUSTIN
Thats techincally true.
In the background a bunch of actual crew members race to
build a set. They sweat as they use powertools.
Austins phone buzzes.
AUSTIN (CONTD)
Ooh, I have a building ready in
Clash of Clans.
JASON
Wait a minute, who are you standing
in for.
PETER
And you legitimately think you have
a chance with Chelsea Carmichael?
AUSTIN
I heard Im replacing Andy.
JASON
Andys out? But he didnt say
anything.
PETER
I mean Chelsea Carmichael makes a
quarter million an episode. We make
17 an hour.
AUSTIN
We all know you hate hope, but some
of us dare to dream.
PETER
Are you 19 yet?
AUSTIN
I dont see how thats relevant.
JASON
Leave him alone. Its like Andy
says: aim for the stars, so if you
miss, you land on the igloo. Well,
not that exactly. Andy says it
better.
The real actors come in, the Joey-type, the Chandler-type,
the Ross-type. They take over from the stand ins.

12.
AUSTIN
Whats up, Im youre new stand in.
Check it, i think the light is
better just to the left of the wine
cooler.
MARSHA THE AD
Dont talk to the actors, kid.
INT. FAKE COFFEE SHOP -- DAY
You know the type. Just as regular sitcom characters have a
hangout, these characters hang out in the TV set version of a
hangout.
Amber sits on a couch, on her lap top. Shes always on her
laptop. Kristen and Val sit nearby.
KRISTEN
I cant believe we get to hang on
the Java Jive set. Remember when
Danny had that big pitch meeting
here, and the guy kept falling
asleep and Danny was like If you
think thats good, wait till you
hear the kicker, and the guy was
like, oh please god no. And then
Karen came in the hotdog outfit?
And the guy was like, Youve made
the sale!
Kristens really into it. She does voices and everything.
VAL
Ive never seen the show. You guys?
Amber, Peter, and Jason all shake their heads.
JASON
I keep meaning to.
AUSTIN
Ive seen every episode. Chelsea
Carmichael is so funny on the
commentaries.
JASON
Hey, Val! Amber, stop typing.
Youre supposed to be playing
against type.
Amber laughs more than the bad joke deserves. She gets a kick
out Jason. They fist bump. Jason notices Kristen.

13.
KRISTEN
Hi! Its really nice to meet you,
Jason!
JASON
You know me? Have you seen the web
series I did about lacrosse?
Peter points to a piece of tape on Jasons shirt. It says
Jason, stand in for Chet.
JASON (CONTD)
Oh, right. Anyway, welcome to our
litte family.
PETER
A family that just replaced Andy.
KRISTEN
And what happened to the girl Im
replacing?
AMBER
Nikki? She was stealing from our
backpacks to feed her drug habit.
JASON
Every family has a black sheep. And
Im sure Andys fine.
VAL
You didnt hear?
Val tosses a copy of Variety.
JASON
Oh my god! Michael Ovitz is
starting a fund to help animals?
AUSTIN
The other article.
INSERT: THE ARTICLE. A picture of ANDY, a handsome Jewish
guy who you wouldnt trust around your sister.

CSI: PITTSBURGH adds new series regular Andy Keener.

The rest of the page is defaced with a sharpie: I quit!!!
AUSTIN (CONTD)
He sent in 100 of these, via
messenger.

14.
JASON
Im sure if he knew how that could
be read as douchey, he might not
have done it.
VAL
Im surprised you didnt know. I
thought you guys were besties.
JASON
Were not besties because were not
girls at a slumber party. And, uh,
of course I knew.
PETER
(tries to help)
Its true. Jason was just talking
about texting him over the weekend.
JASON
No, remember, I was telling you
that I hadnt heard from him.
AUSTIN
You know, for an an aspiring actor,
youre a truly lousy liar.
KRISTEN
Aw, I miss my boyfriend.
JASON
Fine, I havent heard from him. But
Im sure hes busy with stuff.
VAL
Hes been blowing up Ambers snap
chat all day.
Amber shrugs, apologetically.
JASON
I gotta make a call.
EXT. STUDIO 27 -- DAY
Jason is on the phone, outside the studio. A gaggle of
gaffers chain smoke American spirits.
Intercut with TRACY, Jasons girlfriend. She drives a car.
TRACY
Im sure hes just busy. Dont
worry about it babe.

15.
JASON
Thanks Tracy. Youre my rock. I
love you babe.
Tracy hangs up. She shakes her head.
TRACY
Poor Jason. Its not like him to
worry.
Pull back to reveal that Tracy is sitting in a car with ANDY.
He has his hand on her leg.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL: That theyre actually in a car on a set.
ANDY
Theres a part of me that kind of
feels like a bad guy.
Tracy interrupts him with a kiss.
END ACT ONE