Note The title is from Arrested Development.

Devotees will remember Nurse Adelaide,

who constantly shouts Faker! and slaps her patients, like when she slapped Buster for
pretending to be in a coma and then coming out of it to tell her he loved her. Also, blame
Amber for this.
Faker! (NC-17)
.: Crimson Manor :.
God, he loved sex.
Completely spent, Johnny flopped onto his back so that he wouldnt crush Nadine and let
out a contented groan. The post-climax haze had already enveloped him and sleep was
creeping in like thick, pleasant fog, obscuring most everything else. His panting breath
was louder than Nadines and he lay still, exhausted, as the sweat slowly evaporated from
his body.
He had the presence of mind to link his fingers with his girlfriends, holding her hand
over his chest as he began to nod off. Johnnys breathing evened out and he would have
fallen asleep except that he felt the movement of her hand against him.
Nadine, thinking that he was already asleep, carefully slipped her hand free of his.
Johnny feigned sleep and felt her slide out of bed. He heard some rustling, presumably
her pulling on his shirt and boxers and putting her hair up, and then heard the gentle
patter of her toes on the plush carpet as she left the bedroom.
Frowning, Johnny cracked an eye open and pushed himself up on his elbows. His head
was still fuzzy with near-sleep but starting to clear with the troubling thought: what was
wrong?
The evening had been nice enough. They had dinner with Claudia like they usually did on
Thursday nights, then the girls had wine and he enjoyed a cigar in the game room as his
sister helped Nadine perfect her pool game.
He heard the very muffled sound of a television on in the other room where Nadine kept
some of her DVD collection (Claudia wouldnt allow things like Pride and Prejudice and
The Complete Box Set of Alvin and the Chipmunks to commingle with their already
impressive collection), and Johnny turned onto his side.
The pool game had been nice enough. After a while, Claudia had gotten bored and gone
back to her place, and theyd had the rest of the night to themselves. Nadine was no
stranger to Crimson Manor, and the staff was used to having her around at all hours of the
day and night. After all, the two of them had been dating for almost a year.
They wound up upstairs later, making out in the hallway. He might have slammed her up
against the wall at some point and only ducked into his bedroom when Reivers came

walking by with a stack of clean linens, no doubt helping one of the maids, and had
voiced his disapproval of their amorous antics with a loud clearing of his throat.
They made it into the bedroom with their clothes on, but that took only about two
minutes to rectify. They tumbled onto the bed and Johnny knew for a fact that Nadine had
been enjoying herself because she was gripping his shoulders and her cheeks were
flushed as his hands wandered and headed south.
He frowned at the ceiling, trying to remember what came after that. Well, he knew what
came after that, naturally, because it had been quite pleasant for him, really, but he was
trying to remember what Nadine looked like.
Hm.
He tried to remember if her skin had been flushed, if shed raked her nails over his skin
and clutched at his shoulders, if shed pressed down around him like she always did when
he pushed her to the edge
and couldnt come up with much.
Fuck.
The thought was like a bucket of ice water and Johnny jolted upright, breaking out in a
cold sweat. This was not good. Oh, fuck, this was not good.
Had Nadine faked an orgasm?
The thought sent a chill down his spine, and for a moment he thought he was going to be
sick. No, it wasnt possible. So what if her skin hadnt been as flushed as it was during
foreplay? So what if she could still form coherent words in the seconds leading up to the
finish? So what if he hadnt felt her muscles contract? And.so what if she was able to
get up a couple minutes afterward when he felt completely boneless?
Ah, fuck.
His girlfriend had faked an orgasm.
Johnny fell back in bed, his hands clutching the edge of the sheets. Jesus Christ. This was
probably the worst thing that had ever happened to him. Well, okay, sure, his mothers
death was the worst thing. But he sure as fuck wasnt throwing any parties over this
news. No woman hed ever been with had faked an orgasm before.
Oh dear God, had they faked orgasms before?!

He groaned and pulled the sheets over his head, telling himself that Nadine hadnt done it
because he was terrible in bed. He wasnt terrible in bed. He wasnt terrible in bed. He
wasnt terrible in bed
Nadines television show hummed away in the background as Johnny repeated his mantra
over and over, and eventually he slipped into a fitful slumber.
~*~*~*~*~*~
.: Corinthos Morgan Warehouse :.
He wasnt terrible in bed, he wasnt terrible in bed, he wasnt terrible in bed
And once the agreement is finalized, our routes going down to Manhattan will be
consolidated, Sonny was explaining as Jason pushed a contract in front of Johnny.
He wasnt terrible in bed, he wasnt terrible in bed, he wasnt terrible in bed
You get forty percent of the cut and agree to put up equal protection of our combined
goods and combined manpower, Sonny added, readying his pen and holding it out so the
younger man could scrawl his name on the line.
He wasnt terrible in bed, he wasnt terrible in bed, he wasnt terrible in bed
Jason sighed roughly as Sonny held the pen out further. Well, what do you think,
Johnny?
If he wasnt terrible in bed, then why did Nadine fake an orgasm?
What the hell?
He wasnt terrible in bed! He was amazing in bed!
And hed show that stupid woman just how damn amazing and then shed know better
than to ever feel the need to fake a goddamn orgasm again.
Fuck this noise! he yelled, shoving his chair back and getting up from the table. Im
out of here.
Sonny and Jason watched him leave, and after a moment Jason turned to his partner and
shrugged.
He was right to get out, it was a terrible offer.
Shut up, Jason.

~*~*~*~*~*~
.: Crimson Manor :.
Nadine was on her little Macbook when he came into the library looking for her. Hey,
you. Youll never guess what I-
Johnny immediately put a finger to her lips. For the next hour, you dont talk. Got it?
Her eyes widened and her lips curved into a cross frown, but he was serious.
Nadine, I mean it. For the next hour, you say nothing. His dark eyes blazed with
intensity. Trust me on this.
After a long moment, she finally nodded, and that was all that Johnny needed. He ignored
her squawk as he grabbed her and tossed her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes,
just like he ignored the stunned looks from the help as he darted up the stairs to his
bedroom, closing the door on Reiverss stern and disapproving frown.
What are we-
He frowned at her and Nadine quickly shut her mouth as he made his way to his massive
four-post bed. After depositing her right in the center of it, Johnny kicked off his shoes
and socks and dumped his jacket on the floor. Nadine sat there and watched him, her eyes
widening when he climbed up and joined her.
His hand found her side and his lips teasingly brushed against her temple, and Nadine
thought she knew what was coming next (really, it was pretty obvious), but Johnny
surprised her by tenderly tucking a few locks of hair behind her ear.
His eyes locked with hers now, Johnny reached behind her and undid her ponytail, letting
his fingers get tangled in her silky blonde hair. His hands then moved to her shoulders
and he kneaded them gently, pleased when she closed her eyes and slowly let her head
fall back.
Johnny skimmed his hands down her arms, feeling the goosebumps slowly start to rise,
and then did it again. Nadine opened her eyes and watched him lazily, but he didnt stop.
Instead, he coaxed her into his lap and let his talented fingers find the small of her back,
the little pocket of space just as her back disappeared under her jeans. His lips flirted with
hers, whispering over hers but never long enough for her to kiss him back.
His fingers continued to flit up and down her spine slowly, bringing her senses to life, and
Nadine wound her arms around his neck. Johnny held her securely and used his other
hand to rub her side all the way down from her hip to her ankle. He tickled his fingers
around the protruding bone of her ankle, mildly surprised when he saw her bite her lip.

Nadine had the weirdest erogenous zones, seriously.

When he finally kissed her really kissed her her lips were already parted. Johnny
resisted the urge to slip his tongue into her mouth and instead just focused on her lips. He
nibbled on them very gently before pulling her lower lip into his mouth. Nadine sighed
and their breaths mingled. She moved closer, situating herself more firmly in his lap, and
flicked at his lip with her tongue.
Finally, Johnny obliged her request and he felt her tongue rub up against his as she
opened her mouth wider, encouraging him to slant his over hers. He kissed her languidly
and found himself enjoying it more than he thought he would. It wasnt that he always
rushed ahead to the good stuff, just that sometimes when they were kissing, he was more
focused on kissing her in other places aside from her lips.
He kissed her deeply now, but slowly, letting her control his pace and the intensity.
Nadine was growing restless in his lap, her fingers already skirting along the line of
buttons on his shirt. He caught her hand in his and just held it over his heart as he kissed
her and Nadine quieted down a little.
Very gently, Johnny eased her off his lap and onto the bed, then slowly on to her back.
His lips moved from hers to the column of her throat as his hands explored the neckline
of her billowy blouse. It was off the shoulder, tied an inch or two below her collarbones
with a little silk rope tie, but instead of ripping it off, he let his fingers flit over her
smooth skin, first in a straight line, then in a circle, then in little swirls. Nadine let out a
satisfied purr as he teased her, the pads of his fingers rough on her warm skin.
He did the same over her arms, letting his fingers gently move up and down, playing with
the edges of her short sleeves, making her squirm. Johnny drew it out as long as he could,
even stopping to dip his tongue into the little space created by the tie, before finally
pulling it loose with his teeth.
Nadine let out a sigh of relief as his lips returned to her skin and slowly, Johnny began to
pull her blouse up. She helped him whisk it over her head and expected him to get right
down to business now that hed bared her pale pink bra, but he had other ideas. His hands
rubbed up and down her sides, holding her down gently as his tongue tickled her navel.
Nadine was very ticklish, which often made sex.interesting (that is, until one of her
flailing limbs struck his nose, causing it to bleed, which had actually happened no less
than on three occasions).
She groaned as he rasped his light stubble against the soft, sensitive skin of her stomach
before moving lower and doing the same on her inner thigh. Johnny heard her breath
catch and knew he was on the right track, so he kept it up and repeated the motion on her
other sigh, earning an appreciative growl.
He flicked open the button of her brown shorts and peeled them off, trailing them slowly
down her long, smooth legs before flinging them away, but left her panties on. Moving

upward, he once again nibbled on her ear and kissed her neck as his fingers traced the
outline of her underwear, teasing her by dipping his fingers under the soft cotton but
never going as far as he knew she wanted him to.
Nadine was flushed now and writhing, and Johnny relented and let her take his shirt off.
Instead of the same delicate treatment he bestowed on her, Nadine unceremoniously
grabbed the cotton and yanked, practically ripping it off of him. His undershirt soon
followed and when she reached for his pants, Johnny grabbed her wrists and pinned her
down on the bed again.
Hed told himself before he started this that he had a personal record: forgo penetration
for a full forty-five minutes. And damn it, he was going to stick to that.
The next three-quarters of an hour were pure torture for the both of them, but in the best
way possible. He explored parts of her body that often went overlooked, and discovered
one or two new things that made Nadine squeal like a stuck pig. (He knew she would
have appreciated the simile.)
Occasionally, he let her do what she wanted to him, but kept her in check. Watching her
go out of her mind was really doing it for him, and he didnt want to end up embarrassing
both of them if he gave her free reign. The whole point of this was to take his time and
show her what he could really do and judging by the way her eyes gleamed and the
color in her cheeks (all over her body, really), he was right on track.
When the thirty minutes were up, it was all over. Despite his best attempts, he just didnt
have the willpower.
Nadine didnt seem to mind in the slightest. She tore at him in her haste to get him out of
his pants and boxers, then shoved at him, trying to force him back so that she could
straddle him.
But Johnny wasnt about to give in that easily and pinned her down to the mattress.
Nadine opened her mouth to protest but he glared at her, reminding her of her promise.
So she snapped her mouth shut and forced herself to stay quiet as Johnny went about
doing whatever he wanted to her.
Johnny positioned himself and took a few minutes to tease her, knowing exactly where to
touch her to just drive her wild. When she couldnt take it for a second longer, he slowly
entered her, little by little, until they were fully connected.
He was sweating profusely and concentrating wholly on keeping still and going slowly,
but Nadine was set on making that difficult. She kissed him softly as she lifted her pelvis
slightly, bring them closer, and began to move her hips. Johnny was powerless against the
suggestive rocking and before long he was thrusting, slowly at first and then gradually
faster and faster.

Nadine broke her promise and urged him on, telling him to go faster, deeper, and really,
who was he to argue with that sort of thing? So Johnny gave in and shed his last
semblance of control and before long had pushed her to the very edge. Nadine let out a
sharp cry, the first syllable of his name, and that was it as her entire body tightened and
her hips pushed up off the bed, lifting even him a few inches up before she slowly came
down.
He didnt last much longer after that and collapsed on his elbows, doing his best not to
crush her. But even that battle was lost, and after almost an hour of teasing her and
pulling back, teasing her and pulling back, he was exhausted and completely spent. So he
slumped on top of her, knowing that she could handle it at least for now when her
arms wrapped around his middle and held him close.
After what seemed like forever, Johnny was able to roll onto his back, pulling Nadine
along with him so that she was cuddled up against his side. They lay on top of the
comforter, just breathing, waiting for their breath and hearts and bodies to return to
normal.
He stroked her hair languidly, letting his fingers get tangled up in the golden locks as hers
tapped a delicate beat on his bare chest. Snuffling a little, Johnny nuzzled her temple,
feeling her smile against his skin.
What was that about?
He shrugged, his eyes dancing over her pretty features. Eh. Felt like it.
Nadine smiled indulgently, knowing there was more to it than that. Oh? Anything in
particular bring this on?
Johnny sighed and looked at the ceiling, his hand moving slowly up and down her arm,
rubbing her shoulder. He could come clean or he could keep his trap shut and just be a
passive aggressive little bitch about it. Yeah, hed pretty much already made his mind up.
The last time we had sex, you faked it.
Nadine pushed herself up onto her elbow and looked down at him. Youknew?
He nodded.
How?
You got up right after we finished, he shrugged, feeling uncomfortable from how she
was looking at him. You got up and left the room and watched TV or something. I cant
even move for, like, twenty minutes after were done. You just hopped up and left.
Oh. She was nibbling her lip now and had the sense to look a little sheepish. That.

Yeah, that. His hand caught hers and he twined their fingers together. Nadine, if I did
something wrong, or if you didnt like-
No, no. She cupped his cheek, quieting him, and stroked her fingers over his five
oclock shadow. Johnny, it wasnt anything like that, I promise.
What was it, then?
I was justpreoccupied.
With what?
Well She twisted their fingers together. Okay. According to rumors, the Arrested
Development movie was totally stalled, even though they got all the actors together and
the producers and Ron Howard and they were starting to get a script together, but it just
stalled. And thats upsetting. So I couldnt concentrate because Id just read about that on
the blogs before we went to bed, so then obviously it didnt happen and I faked it so you
wouldnt drive yourself crazy, and then I went to watch my Arrested Development
DVDs.
She was talking fast and not stopping to take a breath, and Johnny wondered how she
could do it. And then, today, right before you got home, I was reading the blogs and it
turns out, they are working on the script! And theyve got about a hundred pages done
and theyre even scouting locations in LA they were doing that today and so the
movies back on and I can stop worrying about it and go back to enjoying sex.
She was smiling at him so proudly, and he almost felt bad for thinking that her previous
doctor must have been a magician because he couldnt find the lobotomy scar anywhere.
Johnny? Hello? What are you thinking?
He flopped back down on the bed and closed his eyes. You are completely fucking
certifiable, you know that?
The End.
A/N: Lame last lines, I know. I dont care.