Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Volume II Edition IV

Mannequin Rescued!
By A. Marie Silver

Richmond
Countys
911 Center was flooded
with calls after witnesses
reported an individual
trapped on a ledge outside
of
the
Wellington
Farmers building, Friday
afternoon.
The alleged jumper
was located on the 14th
floor of the building.
Sometimes people

like to take walks on the

exterior
ledge,
the
building manager stated.
It was a little odd, seeing
him outside on a cold, wet
day but I figured as long as
he didnt trip there
wouldnt be a problem.
The building manager
went on to explain that he
wasnt concerned about
the
welfare
of
the
individual on the ledge

because employees within

the building often take a
stroll around the three feet
wide ledges, during their
breaks.
Fortunately for all
involved,
the
alleged
jumper was nothing more
than a mannequin a
movie prop- left behind by
a film studio who used the
Wellington
Farmers
building for scenes in a

movie due out later this

year.
As of the interview, we
have been unable to reach
studio executives for a
statement. There have
been
unsubstantiated
claims that the movie in
question will star James
Franco and Seth Rogen,
the masterminds behind
The Interview.

Scandalous Love Triangle Error

By LeeAnn Rhoden

Rumors
of
a
scandalous love triangle
have been put to rest now
that the origin of the rumor
has been discovered.
For months Mr. Lonny
Singleton,
a
recently
married man, and Miss
Bonny Pleasant, a waitress
at
the
Eat
Shack
restaurant, have been the
subject of a raging rumor.
Caught in the middle of all
this innuendo has been
Mrs.
Simpy
PlainSingleton, the new wife.
I was so embarrassed
to hear the whispers about
me, my husband, and Miss
Pleasant while standing in
line at the A&P, said
Mrs. Singleton. I didnt
know what to think.
When asked about the
situation Miss Pleasant
said, I get that all the
time. People think things
just because of the way I
look or what I do for a
living. I mean really, I
serve men for money. Is
that so bad?
The Eat Shack is a
local
eatery
usually
patronized by single men.

The food is like home

cooking and the service is
good.
Ive been coming here
since I moved out of my
moms house, said Bobby
Younger. I dont know
how to cook for myself.
Here, the food is like
Moms and its not too
expensive.
I started coming when
my first wife passed
away,
stated
Mr.
Singleton. I couldnt cook
and my son needed to eat.
Miss Pleasant would wash
up little Lonny.
After our honeymoon,
Lonny brought me and
little Lonny here for
dinner. Little Lonny told
me before Dad married
you he used her and
pointed to Miss Pleasant,
explained Mrs. Singleton.
What he meant was that
she gave them food and
washed his face. How
anyone
could
think
otherwise
is
just
shameful.
The reputations of the
trio have been restored and
business at the Shack is as
good as ever.

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Magazine
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WEATHER

INDEX

Cold and blustery in

some areas. Expect to see
flying debris such as paper
cups, hats, scarves, and
umbrellas.
Other regions will
boast milder temperatures.
Expect jealousy, sour
commentary, and bad
attitudes on social media.

More News..............Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor.....Page 2
Rants & Raves........Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3

Sunday, January 25, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition IV

New Literary Magazine A Hit

By Snoop Cubby

Book stores and coffee

shops were all abuzz the
past week with the launch
of Pilcrow & Dagger
literary magazine.
An
investigation
proved that the magazine
boasts a beautiful cover on
the outside and wonderful
writing on the inside.
Between the covers are 15
works of literature
poems, essays, non-fiction,
and fiction.
Advertisements show
off
merchandise
for
Pilcrow & Dagger as well
as promote the website. A
new addition to the website
and other social media is
the Podcast.
Read in an old-time
radio show manner, the

Podcast is a delight to
listen to. Complete with
sound effects, music, and
enthusiastic reading, it is
growing in popularity.
The premier issue is
free and available online at
www.pilcrowdagger.com/
issues. Take a look and
enjoy. There are stories
from writers from around
the world New Zealand,
the US, and the UK.
The next issue is due
out on March 1, 2015.
Once youve seen the first
one, youll want the second
one. And the next issue is
available by subscription
only. You can purchase
subscriptions at
www.pilcrowdagger.com/
subscriptions. Digital and
print available.

Now Accepting Submissions

For The May/June Issue
Theme is
Vacation and Travel Stories
We want to hear all about your trips around
the country or overseas. Tell us about the
kids screaming in the back seat and your
disappointing summer rentals.
Send in your stories to
www.pilcrowdagger.com/submissions
Dear Monica
Dear Monica,
Im trying to get my
children to participate in
chores around the house.
Ive
tried
rewards,
consequences,
and
allowances. All they want
to do is sit and watch TV
and play their electronic
games. How can I get them
to help out more?
- Tired Mom

Dear Tired,
Two things you can try.
First, stop cooking their
dinner and washing their
clothes and see what
happens. If that doesnt
work, take away their
games and the throw away
the TV. Make them earn
them back by helping out.
Good luck!

Editorial
Chief of Staff Draws Short Straw
By Sham Farce

A report issued earlier

this week by various media
outlets put to rest questions
regarding why the U.S.
government dropped the
ball in attending an antiterrorist rally in France
where over 40 world
leaders gathered to show
support after a gunman
shot and killed multiple
employees working for
Charlie Hebdo a satirical
newspaper located in Paris.
While some people
may commend the White
House chief of staff for his
bravery in accepting and
acknowledging his blame
for U.S. absence at the
rally, I for one feel that the
only thing he is guilty of is
drawing the short straw.

Im not sure what goes

on in the White House;
Ive never been invited in.
So, I can only surmise
what happens when our
administration- aka, the
president - makes a
mistake. I imagine one of
two scenarios. Either the
president engages in a
game of, Duck, Duck,
Goose, with his staff to
determine who will take
the fall for his mistakes, or,
he draws names out of hat
and then has those
unfortunate souls draw
straws to see who will be
publicly shamed. This
week, the short straw was
drawn by the chief of staff.
Dont worry, sir! Next
week it will be the janitors
fault.

Rants & Raves

Letter to Editor

Seriously, making a phone

call in the middle of a
movie? I get receiving a
call if you forgot to turn
you ringer off but
making a call!? Really, Mr.
I-Wear-A-Rolex?

Dear Mr. Farce,

Regarding the article in
the Jan. 4, 2015 issue about
the weight loss and fitness
centers. I think it is a
tragedy that people dont
like themselves the way
they are. Further, it is
simply a case of big
business preying upon the
insecurities of the chubs
and the pressures to make
resolutions in the first of
the year.
I say that if everyone is
so worked up about obesity
in our country then quit
handing out free phones
and
hand
out
free
treadmills. Stop decreasing
caloric intake of our
children and focus on
crime lock up the perps
so they can go out and play
without fear.
- Frenchie Cruller

Men, no matter your sexual

orientation, please stop
wearing skinny jeans. Just
stop. And low-rise? No.
To the cashier who was
smart enough to discern
the real grocery items from
the items chosen by my 4year-old Thank you! You
were perfect the way you
pretended to ring things up
and put them in a special
bag just for him. He didnt
even notice when we got
home and they werent
there. You are wonderful!
Driver in the lime-green
sedan with low-profile
wheels. You suck.

Sunday, January 25, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition IV

Horoscope

Classifieds
For Sale

Wanted
Advertisers.
Authors, editors,
publishers, artists,
presses, marketing
firms, publicists.
Affordable rates
and flexible terms.
Visit out site and
download
the
Media Kit.

Notices
Pilcrow & Dagger
is
accepting
submissions
for
the April issue and
the
May/June
issue. Visit the site

www.pilcrowdagger.
com/subscriptions.

www.pilcrowdagger.
com/about/advertisin
g

the themes
guidelines
submissions.

All the junk food

in the pantry.
Prices reduced due
to open bags and
containers. $5 gets
you the whole lot.

A magical spell
that will allow my
husband to hear
me when I speak
and my child to
follow directions.

My opinion. Many
insightful
and
wise thoughts and
advice. $10 per
adage.

Prepared
food.
Quick easy food
that is also healthy
that doesnt need
my participation
or preparation.

Are you snarky?

Do you have a
satirical outlook
on life? Would
you
like
to
contribute
your
wacky sense of
humor? Accepting
articles, letters to
the editor, letters
to Monica, Rants
& Raves. Send to

Selling everything
except my books
and my chair and
my lamp. Best
offer. You must
move it.
Subscriptions for
Pilcrow & Dagger
magazine. Digital
and print. Go to

www.pilcrowdagger.
com/themes and
www.pilcrowdagger.
com/submissions for

and
for

Sham_farce@
Pilcrowdagger.com

Pilcrow

March 21
- April 19

Exclamation
Point

April 20 May 20

Interrobang
Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand
Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

Because
Sign

Sudoku
Dagger

:
#

June 21 July 22
July 23 Aug 22
Aug 23 Sept 22
Sept 23 Oct 22
Oct 23 Nov 21
Nov 22 Dec 21

Dec 22 Jan 19
Jan 20 Feb 18
Feb 19 March 20

An investment or asset will

increase in value.
You will reconnect with an
old friend who holds a new
opportunity for you.
You have a talent for the
dark arts. Study with
caution.
Someone youve wanted to
meet becomes part of your
circle of friends.
Technology befuddles you.
Learn to work around it.

Cryptogram

&
@

&

Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting

struggle, like a long bout of some painful

&

May 21 June 20

&

Authority
Point

Octothorpe

Thinking about taking up a

new course of study? Do it
today!
You will take off in a new
direction. It will be good
for you.
A distant friend will
contact you and lead you in
a new direction.
You will learn new
shortcuts that will make
tasks easier and quicker.
Rapport with an new
person will lead to a new
friendship.
You will host a meeting in
your home that is more
social than business.
You will begin working
from home and you will
love it.

(
.

thing if one were not driven on by some

#
(
*

Answer in next weeks paper

illness. One would never undertake such a

demon whom one can neither resist nor

understand.
George Orwell