Doyourememberme?Ithinkaboutyoueveryday.

Infact,
almosteverydecisionImakedependsonhowIthinkyouwouldapprove.
Youwillneverleaveme,andnotinanydeceitful,obsessiveordour
wayno,youllstayinmyheartasaninfluenceofpureloveand
devotion,ofintelligence,butalsosadness.Sadness,becauseyouhad
toleave,becausewecannotbetogether.Intelligencebecauseofwhat
youtaughtme,andcontinuetoteach.Devotionbecauseofwhatyou
sacrificedtobewithmethrougheverything.Purelove,becausewhat
Ithinkaboutyoumostofallwasourinconsistentlove,andhowmuch
Imissanysortofcontact.Therewillbeothers,forsure,thereare
alwaysothers,butsomehowyoustickinsideme,asareminderofwhat
trueloveis,ofwhatthatmeanstome,andofhowlovecomes
unexpectedandlingersonovertimenomatterhowoneseemstohave
leftitlongago.
Doyouwantroomformilk?
Uh,yeah,sure.Thanks.
Noproblem.
Whichwayaretheescalators?
Justdownthataisle,takearightandyoucantmissit.
Okay,thanks.
Icannotseemtoletitgo,whateveritwasthatwehad,that
evolutionrolledintoonepiecethathas,byyourownevaluation,
becomesolidifiedandpetrifiedburieddeepwithintheearthand
readiedforexcavationthousandsofyearsfromnow.Ifwelivetosee
thattime,thosecauseswillonlytell.WitheverynewwomanImeet,
Iseekyouinher.Doesshelikethesamemusicandfilmsasyou,
doesshehaveyourbangs,yourbuild,doesshesmellthesame,does
shemovelikeyou,willshehaveyourlaugh sometimesthecomparisons
becometoomuch.Itellmyself,thisisnotworthit,stopcomparing
hertoeveryoneelse,butmovingforwardisimpossible,oratleastan
intangible,disappearingthing.

Excuseme,canyoumove.
Oh,sorry.Goahead.
No,youreinmyspot.Canyou
Yeah,yeah.There.
Tomoveforwardmeanstomakenewmistakes,togrow,tolearn,to
loveandlose,toloveandwin,towinandtakehold,toleavebehind
thepast.Onemustleavebehindwhathascomebeforeinordertomove
ahead.Nostalghiaisimportant,itsnecessary,itsadefiningfeature
thatmakesushumanneverforgetthatwhichmakesyouwhoyouare.
Neverbeashamedofit,either.Iamonlylearningnowwhatthat
means,andhowIcanreacttomovingforwardfromlosing.
Theminimumistendollars.
What?
Tendollarminimumonthecard.
Oh,uhh,howmuchdoIhaveontherenow?
Seven.Threedollars,sir.
Okayisthisthreedollars?
Yes.Okay,thankyouverymuch.
Thanks.
Imissyourpussy:perfect,tight,pink,whenmycocksaidhello
yourcuntblushed;yourtastestayedinmymouthformonthsafterwe
lastsaweachother.Thetastereturnedinthesummerwhenitbecame
humid.Iamnostalghicforyou,tofuckandtoeatandtoliveandto
breathetotalkandmoveaheadintoournextconversation.HowdoI
dothat?Howcanonesaytheymustloveagain,ifloveisgone?The
desirethatburnsdeepisstillafireforyou,ormaybeitsafirein
thewindwithoutanyreasonbeinglit.Oncelovehasleft,whatelse
isthere?Anotherlove,adifferentkindoflove,nonethesameoras
strong,relevanttothistimenow,nonethatgotmehard,nonethat
workedjustaswellaswedidtogether,until,obviously,itended.

Doyouhavethesein37?IlookedthroughtheentirepileandI
couldntfindany
Sure,letmecheckinbackforyou.
Thanks.
WhatImissmostishowyouapproachedlifethroughthesame
meansasIdidthroughmusicandpainting,Ievenenjoyedyourminor
interestinfishing.Youneverlivedaccordingtoanyoneelsesplans
otherthanyourown.Idontknowwhereitwentwrong no,Iknow,I
knowwherebutIdontlikelisteningtothatagain.Myownfaultsare
elementsIdontwishtoharboron.Thesexwasamazing.Wereally
gotalong,butthentherewasyourhusband,andmyothergirlfriend.
No,wedonthavethemin37,butwedohavethemin34.
34?
Yes,34.
No,noIcantfitintothose.
Try,heresapair.
Okay,well,IknowthatIcantfitintothosetheseare36andits
toosmall.
Excusemeforonemoment.
Uhokay,itsonlythat
Ifwewerestrictlymonogamous,thentherecouldhavebeena
possibilityofhavingaworkingrelationship,buttheattractionwould
nothavebeenthesame.Wecouldhavelivedonthebeachandspent
hourstogethergettingstoned,fucking,mewritingandyoureading,
strokingtheoceanswaves.Thatwouldhavebeenperfect,usina
worldofourowninacozyhousewherethesunperpetuallyhungjust
abovethehorizonline.Iwantedthatjustasmuchasyoudid.Youd
gobacktoyourfamily,andIwouldgobacktomine.Although,mine
wasntthesameasyours.Icouldalwayschangemine.Findanother

woman,keepherasapet,butmymindwouldalwaysbeonyou.Iwould
saveallmycomeforyourcunt.
LookatmewhenItellyouthis,youlookamazing.
Really?Feelskindoftight
No,notatall,itfitsperfectly.
YoudontthinkIcouldgoasizehigher?Twosizes,maybe?
No,thisisin,youregoingtokill.
Huh yeah,Illjustneedsometimetowearthisonein.
Ohno,theyrealreadyprewashed,soyoudonthavetodothat.
Prewashed,eh.
Yeah,itsthenewlook.Verypopular.
YouthinkIlookcool?
AmIobsessedwithyou?Arethesethoughtsobsessive?No,I
dontthinktheyare,theyarejustthoughts,justmyownselftalking
withmyotherself.Imissyou.Imadethewrongchoicemovinghere.
Ishouldhavestayed,IshouldhavemovedtoyouIdontknowwhyI
camehere.Idontknowwhattodowithoutyou.WhenwillIeversee
youagain?WillIevertalktoyouagain?Istillhaveyourphone
number,eventhoughyousaidyoudeletedmine.Ithinkthats
bullshit.
Withcheese?
No,nocheese.
Cheese?
Isaidnocheese.
Itriedcallingyouonce.DidItrytocallheronce?MaybeI
justthoughtaboutitwhenIwasdrunk,andrealizedthatitwasntthe
bestchoice.Whenyouredrunk,youknow,neveragoodidea.Imiss
her.Idontknowhowtostartoveragain.Shouldyoufallinlove

again?Butwait,youneverreallystartthat,youcannevercontrol
whoyoufallinlovewithorhowyoufallinlove.WhyshouldIfall?
IthinkthatwhenIgetback,IlllistentowhatBobhastosay.He
alwaysputsmeintherightframeofmind.
SevenpeoplediedonaMetroCommuterTrainthiseveningaround6:30
PM
Ohmygoddidyouhearaboutthat?
What?
Thesevenpeoplethatdiedonthetrain?
Onlyseven?
Itwassomekindoffreakaccident
Youweretheonlyonethatreallycaredforme,andIignored
thatbecauseIthoughtIcoulddobetter.Inretrospect,yeahIknew
Iwaswrong.WhatIwaswasamajorasshole,superselfish.Allyou
wantedtodowastoloveme,andIrejectedthatlove.Iusedyoufor
myownsexualneeds,andforgotabouthowmuchyoumeanttome.
Youknowwhattheyalwayssay,youneverknowifitwastruelove
untilshesgone.Orisit,lovetheoneyourewith ifyoumissher
whenshesnotthere,thentruelove fuckit,Imissyou,everydayI
missher,andthepainofnotseeingher,notbeingwithyou,fillsup
mymindwithtoomanyemotions.Allday,everyday.Ineverknewhow
muchIneededyouuntilyouweregone.Ineverknewhowmuchyou
lovedmeuntilafteryouwereoutofmylife.Therearefewerthings
moredepressinginthislifethanwantingsomethingbackwhichseems
unattainable,outofreach,nevertobeseenagain.Itsdeadinthe
physicalworld,butlivesrepetitivelyinthemind.
Allofthoseunfinishedlineswillneverbespoken,allofthe
wordsIwantedtosaybutdidntknowhowwillonlybeheardinmy
voiceshead.Everythreadthatwasleftopenended,withno
resolutionwhatsoeverotherthananabruptsilence,thosepotential

liveswillneverbecomeareality.Thoseliveshadafuture,butthey
willneverreturn,andyouwillneverseethelikesofthosewomen
everagain.Ifyouwanttorepeatyourself,similarcircumstances
mightpresentthemselvestoyouindifferentforms,buttruegrowth
willmanifestitselfinwhetherornotyouchange.
Thesearemostpopularsneakers.Perfectforalloccasion.
Theyregoodforwalking?
Perfectforwalking,running,sportsyoulikea.
Idontknowaboutrunning,ha,ha!
Ha,ha!No,these,perfectforanywalkorrun.Tryon.
ButwillIknowhowtomeasuremygrowth?HowwillIknowifI
haverepeatedmyself?WillIknowapotentiallifewhenitmerges
withmine?
Debitorcredit?
Debitdebit.
Okay,typeinyourpinnumber.
Shewasnice,shefeltgood.Isntthatwhatyouwanted?Isnt
thatwhatshegaveyou?Shewastheonlyonewholovedyoutheonly
onewhowantedtogiveyouherlove,andyouwereafraid.Youran.
Shefeltgood:holdingherthosenights,feelingherheadrestonyour
chest,andhavingherhandinyours,movingalongyourpalmsand
feelingyourpulse.Layingnakedinbedforhours,listeningtoher
softwhispernexttoyourear,andfeelingherbodythrob.Sheadored
you.Isntthatwhatyouwanted?Tofuckallnight,andthensleep
arminarminawarmembrace.Forsomeonetoacceptyouandallyour
faults?Isntthatlove?Imissyou.
Getdownontheground!NOW!Getdown!
Facedown,motherfucker!Doit!
What?WhoawhatIdidntdoanything,officers

Openyourjacket.Whatsinthebag?Emptyit.NOW!EMPTYTHEBAG
NOW!
Allright,allright.Theyrejustgroceries.
Fuck.Donteverfuckingwalkdownthisstreetagain.YouGOTIT?!
ThisiswhereIlive.