That's My Kurt

"Pilot"
Written By
Lance Presser

98-443 Ponohana Loop

Aiea, HI 96701
(701) 212-5237
lance.presser@gmail.com

ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. BASEMENT GUEST ROOM - KURT'S HOUSE - SUNRISE
The guest room looks as though Lance hasn't been there for very
long. Some clothes are hanging up, but there are open suitcases
scattered about the room. Lance's mobile phone alarms on with
a pleasant chime and "Siri's" voice saying "the local weather
is currently -20 degrees Fahrenheit with blowing snow" and
continues to repeat as Lance lays in bed with the covers pulled
over his head. Lance slowly wakes up and we see an unconventionally
attractive, late 20's male, looking disheveled and cold. Lance
turns off the alarm, climbs out of bed, puts on a pair of fuzzy
Einstein slippers, and wanders down the short hallway into the
bathroom.
SERIES OF SHOTS:
Lance in the bathroom showering, and in his bedroom getting ready.
Follow Lance to the kitchen for breakfast, where Kurt, a late
20's male, slightly balding (but not unattractively), a little
doughy around the waist line, (but not unattractively), and
slightly above average in height is standing in just his boxers.
INT. KITCHEN - KURT'S HOUSE - SUNRISE
KURT
(A late 20's, Midwestern
looking male, preparing his
cereal)
I think I have found the secret to life.
LANCE
(Skeptically)
Really?
KURT
Warm boxers in the morning. Just a minute
in the dryer and you get a whole morning
of happiness.
(Beat)
Totally worth it. Oh, and I need some
Snuggle.
(pointing to the empty snuggle
dryer sheet box)
Remind me later.
LANCE STARTS PREPARING HIS BREAKFAST, THEN GRABS THE MILK FROM
NEAR KURT.

LANCE
Did you just ask me to snuggle later?
(Beat)
Sometimes I worry about you. I worry about
you accosting me in my sleep, and I am
worried about you overheating your
testicles with your morning underwear
routine. Although the constant warmth of
your genitals might be worth giving up
your ability to have children, cause it
sounds like it's arctic style out there
again today. You may want to consider
bundling your balls up tight today.
KURT
(Exaggerated Brrrrrr)
I hate this weather. It's so cold out I
can smell it.
LANCE
I'm pretty sure you can't smell cold
KURT
I can once it hits 20 below.
LANCE
What does it smell like?
KURT
It smells like white.
LANCE
Well, you either have synesthesia or the
cold is affecting your orbital frontal
cortex. Pull your hat down a little more
next time you go out.
KURT
(Sideways, skeptical glance)
I don't know why we live here.
LANCE
I don't know either. I often feel like
the world is backwards though.
KURT

What do you mean?

LANCE
Well, me and you would give anything to
live in the desert where it is hot all
the time with half-naked girls. And on
the other hand a fair portion of the people
that do live in the desert are doing
everything they can to cover up their
women and wear beards. It's all
backwards, we should trade with them,
everyone would be happier.
BOTH KURT AND LANCE GIGGLE AND SMIRK AT THEIR SHARED GENIUS AND
CONTINUE EATING BREAKFAST, ADJUSTING CLOTHING, AND WATCHING THE
LOCAL MORNING NEWS WHILE REFLECTING ON THEIR THOUGHTS.
KURT
So, what are you going to do if you classes
are full of hot girls?
LANCE
I don't know. I am going to guess they
won't be. I hope they aren't. I sort of
want to keep this job.
KURT
Well one or two would be fun yeah?
LANCE
True, but that is what this weekend is
for.
KURT
Yes!
(Solo fist-pump)
So, do you have everything ready?
Lectures? Syllabi? Pencils?
LANCE
(Smiling)
I think so. My first class isn't until
ten so I will have some time to prep. I
have some paper work to do, but I think
I am ready for this.
(Psyching himself out)

It's going to be good.

KURT
We are still on for lunch?
LANCE
Noonish, at The Turf. Dan and Lucas still
in?
KURT
Yeah.
LANCE
Alright, I gotta run. Did you start our
cars so they can warm up?
KURT
Yup. They have been running since six.
LANCE
What?!? That's almost two hours! C'mon,
we have gone over this.
KURT
(Authoritatively)
The price of gas will go down. The western
part of the state is full of oil.
LANCE
That's not how it works. It is a global
economy. I will explain later. I better
go before my car runs out of gas. See you
at lunch.
TV V/O
Up next is Saved by the Bell.
KURT
(Distracted)
Ooooh! Saved by the Bell! Yeah, see you
at lunch.
FADE OUT.

ACT TWO
INT. BOB MOOSE EQUIPMENT OFFICE BUILDING - KURT'S CUBICLE - 9
A.M.
KURT IS WORKING DILIGENTLY IN HIS VERY AVERAGE "MIDDLE MANAGEMENT"
CUBICLE. HIS CUBICLE IS DECORATED WITH SPORTS TEAM PARAPHERNALIA
FROM HIS ALMA MATER. TWO CO-WORKERS PASS BY OUTSIDE GREETING EACH
OTHER "MORNING SCOTT", "MORNING WELLS" PAYING HOMAGE TO "TOP GUN".
AFTER A COUPLE OF SECONDS SHUFFLING PAPER AROUND, KURT GOES BACK
TO HIS COMPUTER CHECKING THE PREVIOUS NIGHTS SPORTS SCORES.
JON
(Kurt's best friend at the
office, a thin, attractive
Nigerian with a hint of
remaining accent. Stops by to
lean up against the cubicle,
coffee in hand.)
So, how about them Bison?
KURT
(Whirls his chair around
dramatically, and slightly
uncoordinated.)
Darn it, what a terrible game. I can't
stand it. I hate the Jackrabbits.
OFFICE WORKER #1
(Overhearing the commotion,
peaks his head over the cubicle
wall.)
Why does coach not remember that he has
a great front court? I don't know why on
earth they can't score down low.
KURT
(Aggressively rubbing his face
up and down)
I don't know, I don't know. That team makes
me want to drink.
THE PHONE AT KURT'S DESK RINGS AND KURT SWINGS BACK IN HIS CHAIR
TO ANSWER IT, FUMBLING THE ANSWERING PROCESS AND HITTING THE BISON
BASKETBALL PLAYER BOBBLE HEAD DOLL ON HIS DESK, KNOCKING OFF THE
DOLLS ARM.
KURT (CONT'D)

(Into the phone while picking

up the pieces of the bobblehead
doll)
Hello. Warranty Services, this is
Kurt...Yes sir, I will be right in.
(Hangs up the phone)
JON
The boss man calls and you just jinxed
the Bison for tonight. Not the way to start
off the day buddy.
KURT GETS UP, PUSHES HIS CHAIR IN NICELY, AND GRABS AN IPAD.
KURT
The Bison are going to be just fine
tonight, and as for the boss, I hope it's
good news this time.
CUT TO:
KURT SITTING ACROSS THE DESK FROM TRAVIS IN TRAVIS' (HIS OLDER
BROTHER AND BOSS WHO IS STRIKINGLY HANDSOME IN PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
AND STATURE) RATHER EXTRAVAGANT OFFICE.
TRAVIS
Kurt, it's bad news little brother. We
had to fire Montgomery today. He was
embezzling money from his discretionary
fund.
(Beat)
Guy had a serious gambling problem. Kept
betting on high school football games and
couldn't stay away from the curling sheet.
KURT
Well, that is a problem. You know I like
curling as much as the next guy yeah, but
I wouldn't want to risk my career over
it.
(Thinking for a second)
Wasn't Montgomery up for the VP promotion?
TRAVIS
That is exactly what I wanted to talk to
you about. You know Montgomery was getting
his M.B.A. through the company's Golden
Plow Program. You were number two.

(Chuckles sadistically)
Always the runner-up aren't ya? Well,
Montgomery was number one, but he lost
his plow.
KURT
(Guardedly)
What are you saying?
TRAVIS
Little brother. How would you feel about
an opportunity to really make a move here?
KURT
Oh, man. You betcha! This could be my big
break yeah? I mean getting my M.B.A. And
moving up to VP of the company.
(Beat)
Are you sure?
TRAVIS
Well, I would have to run it by H.R., and
there would have to be some paperwork,
but with Montgomery gone, there isn't
really anyone else better I can think of,
plus mom's been asking me about helping
you out at work lately so I figured this
might get her off my back, kill two birds
with one stone.
KURT
(Trying to act excited but with
a serious tone)
Trav, I really appreciate it. I won't let
you down.
WALKING OUT OF THE TRAVIS' OFFICE AND BACK TO HIS CUBICLE, KURT
DOESN'T APPEAR ALL THAT EXCITED ABOUT THE NEWS AND AS HE SITS
BACK DOWN AT HIS DESK HE OPENS THE TOP DRAWER AND THUMBS THROUGH
BROCHURES FOR A HANDFUL OF TOP MIDWESTERN LAW SCHOOLS INCLUDING
NEBRASKA, NORTHWESTERN, NOTRE DAME, AND MARQUETTE. KURT SIGHS
LONGINGLY, AND STUFFS THEM BACK IN HIS DESK.
FADE OUT.

ACT THREE
INT. DAKOTA NORTH COMMUNITY COLLEGE - LANCE'S CLASSROOM - CLOSE
TO NOON.
LANCE IS AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASSROOM LECTURING. IT IS A LOCAL
COMMUNITY COLLEGE, OLDER, BUT WELL MAINTAINED, COLOR SCHEME
STRAIGHT OUT OF THE 70'S. LANCE IS TEACHING WITHOUT TECHNOLOGY,
SIMPLY LECTURING AND WRITING ON THE WHITEBOARD. THERE ARE ROUGHLY
15 STUDENTS IN CLASS, SOME LOOKING DISINTERESTED ALREADY, OTHERS
VERY INTENT.
LANCE
(With his back to the class,
writing on the board)
So, we have covered some of the basics
of what bacteria and viruses are, and why
they are important, but I want to leave
you with a question to think about for
next class.
(Turing to face the class)
Are viruses alive? Some things to consider
when thinking about his question. First,
how do you define life? Ability to
replicate? Nucleic acid based genome?
Second, can obligate parasites ever be
entirely alive? Third, what if there are
viruses that could "infect" other
viruses? These are important questions
you are going to have to answer first
before getting to the primary query.
STUDENT #1
(Raising his hand)
What about computer viruses? They
replicate, are they alive? And do you have
the contact information for the IT
department?
LANCE
(Small laugh)
You are going to have to persuade me with
your assignment. There are no right or
wrong answers here really. What is
important is the information you use in
your argument. And no I don't have the
IT department phone number.
(Pointing to the student's
laptop)

Good luck with that.

Hopefully the assignment goes well, and
if any of you have any questions, feel
free to e-mail me or stop by my office.
STUDENTS GET UP TO LEAVE AS LANCE SITS DOWN AT HIS DESK AND BEGINS
LOOKING THROUGH A TEXTBOOK AND ORGANIZING SOME NOTE CARDS. ONE
OF THE STUDENTS, A VERY ATTRACTIVE LATE TEENS/EARLY 20'S FEMALE
APPROACHES THE DESK.
ALEXANDRA
Dr. Presser?
LANCE
(Looking up from his paperwork)
Hi. Alexandra right?
Yeah.

ALEXANDRA
LANCE

What's up?
ALEXANDRA
(Trying not to sound
flirtatious but failing)
I just wanted to introduce myself, and
say that I really thought class was great
today. I was really worried about this
class, but I think I am going to like it.
LANCE
(Awkwardly modest)
Oh...thank you. I thought I was maybe a
bit shaky at first, but I think we all
clicked a bit toward the end. Seems like
an intelligent group. Did you have a
question about the assignment or
anything?
ALEXANDRA
(Perkily twirling around and
heading to the door)
No. Just sayin' hi. See you tomorrow
Professa Press'a.
FADE OUT.

ACT FOUR
INT. BOB MOOSE EQUIPMENT OFFICE BUILDING LOBBY - SLIGHTLY BEFORE
NOON
KURT EXITS THE ELEVATOR INTO THE LOBBY OF HIS OFFICE BUILDING
SAYING HELLO, GREETING EVERYONE HE WALKS BY AS IF HE KNOWS THEM
(BECAUSE HE DOES), ALL WHILE PUTTING ON HIS WINTER HAT AND GLOVES
TO HEAD OUTDOORS. AS HE IS WALKING TO HIS NEWISH FORD PICKUP TRUCK,
HE RUNS INTO HIS CRUSH EMILY, A LATE 20'S FEMALE WITH A SLIGHT
"INDIE" EDGE, WHO IS ON HER WAY TO WORK AT THE SALON IN THE LOBBY
OF KURT'S OFFICE BUILDING.
EMILY
(Yelling a bit across the
parking lot)
Kurt!
KURT
(Turns and upon seeing Emily,
smiles like a kid on Christmas
morning)
Hey Emily, how are you doing on this fine
day?
EMILY
Good, just a little late for work, as
usual.
(With a lot of confidence Emily
takes Kurt's hat off and runs
her hand through Kurt's hair
as he fidgets a little)
When are you coming in for a haircut?
KURT
(Smiling and blushing a little)
Well, you know, I should probably get one
soon. Maybe next week?
EMILY
Oh shoot, next week I am not going to be
in. I am going to Florida to spend some
time on the beach and help my brother move
into his new place. It's going to be great.
I can't wait to move away from this
weather.
KURT

I guess I could come in before you go maybe?

Or I could wait until after you get back.
Another week probably isn't going to hurt.
(Smiling)
Earlier is probably better though,
waiting a week to see you is just too long.
EMILY
Oh you are too sweet. Stop by tomorrow
and maybe we can put something on the
schedule.
KURT
Great, I can't wait. See you tomorrow.
EMILY
Stay warm honey!
CUT TO: KURT DOING A POST-GAME STYLE PRESS CONFERENCE ON THE
INTERACTION BETWEEN HIM AND EMILY
V/O REPORTER
Kurt, how did you think the game went
today?
KURT
I think we played well today. Kept the
game plan simple and we executed.
V/O REPORTER
Kurt, looking forward to next week, can
you speak to what your game strategy might
be?
KURT
Well, we have some time to prepare, I want
to keep the game plan simple, but I feel
like if we execute, and play our game,
we always have a chance.
V/O REPORTER
You do realize that you are 0-5 in the
last couple of months? Are you worried
about this current slump?
KURT
No more questions.

KURT GETS UP AND EXITS STAGE RIGHT LEAVING THE PRESS CONFERENCE
FADE OUT.

ACT 5
INT. DIVE BAR AND GRILL - LUNCH
DAN AND LUCAS ARE ALREADY IN A SIDE BOOTH AS KURT ENTERS INTO
THE BAR. DAN IS A LATE 20'S INDIAN-AMERICAN, AND LUCAS IS ALSO
IN HIS LATE 20'S, OVERWEIGHT, GLASSES, BALDING BUT SORT OF BOYISH
CUTE. IT IS THE LUNCH RUSH. THIS IS A COMMON MEETING PLACE FOR
THE GUYS AND THEY ARE RECOGNIZED BY OTHER REGULARS AND STAFF.
THE BAR IS THE LOCAL COLLEGE BAR, STAFFED AND FREQUENTED BY COLLEGE
CROWD. THE MOST IMPORTANT REGULAR IS THE OLD PROFESSOR WHO WORKS
AT HIS LAPTOP IN THE CORNER TABLE WITH A TUMBLER OF BRANDY. LANCE
IS IN THE BATHROOM, BUT EVENTUALLY HE COMES OUT AND THE GUYS CATCH
A GLIMPSE OF HIM TALKING WITH THE OLD PROFESSOR. THIS IS OUT OF
PLACE. NO ONE APPROACHES THE OLD GUY BESIDES THE WAIT STAFF. KURT
WALKS THROUGH THE BAR WAVING AND NODDING TO A FEW PEOPLE AND SITS
DOWN WITH THE GUYS. THE FIRST THING HE DOES IS CHECK THE STATUS
OF THE KETCHUP BOTTLE. KURT LOVES KETCHUP.
DAN
I hate this weather.
LUCAS
Yeah, nothing like getting up at 6 A.M.,
still dark out, blowing snow, and walking
the dog. The darn thing doesn't even want
to go outside. It is more of a drag than
a walk when it gets this cold.
DAN
Mine too. And then of course the wife
forgets to plug in her car last night,
so I had to jump it before work this
morning. Makes no sense, she remembers
every single bad thing I said or did last
year, can't remember to plug in her car
when it gets cold.
LUCAS
(Looking at his phone)
More bad news, looks like Ironside (the
real player Kurt's broken bobblehead
represents) got hurt this morning and
isn't going to be playing tonight.
KURT
(Shocked and upset)
What?!? Ah! What happened?
LUCAS
(Reading from his phone)

I guess he was walking to the training

facility this morning and someone
accidentally pushed him down the stairs,
doesn't sound too major though. Just hurt
his arm.
KURT
Oh lord, I have to be more careful with
that bobblehead.
DAN
What?
KURT
(Realizing the others might
think he's crazy)
Oh, never mind. Just something that
happened this morning in the office. So
how's work going?
DAN
Oh you know, nothing much changes. We have
some deadlines coming up for the new
operating system. Some portal work that
we need to finish coding. Working on some
new app designs. Yadda, Yadda, Yadda. We
did just get a couple of new guys in on
my team straight from India.
LUCAS
I got a new guy in my group too.
DAN
Watching the imports deal with the cold
is amazing. One of the guys is working
in his cube in his coat and hat. It's 70
degrees in the office, which is like
winter to them.
LUCAS
The new guy in my group, Phalguni...Guy
brought in his own space heater and
actually started his cubicle on fire.
Still didn't fire the guy though because
of VISA issues. But he's alright, he tells
me about his favorite cricket team
sometimes and every now and then he brings
in samosas that his wife cooks.
KURT
Jon was kinda like that coming from
Nigeria, he's been here like five years

and he still complains almost every day

starting in November all the way to
spring.
DAN
I am getting a bit dreary of the day- to-day
though. I've been working on an app of
sorts in my spare time. I think it has
a lot of potential.
KURT
What's it do?
LUCAS
It's for porn right?
DAN
Oh everything is for porn. Starting with
the Polaroid and...
LUCAS
(Cutting in)
Yeah, yeah, but it's for porn right?
DAN
Oh come on, you know I am just the
developer. Where it goes, nobody knows.
KURT AND LUCAS
(Looking at each other, in
unison)
Porn.
Ugh.

DAN

LUCAS
There's no shame in it. It's a billion
dollar industry. If you are having fun
with it, who cares where it goes?
DAN
Yeah, and I am sure Chris Knight said the
same thing about the chemical laser he
built. And we all know how that turned
out!
LUCAS
What's the worst that could happen?
DAY DREAM SEQUENCE FOR ALL THREE OF THEM ABOUT THE WORST POSSIBLE
CONSEQUENCES.
Ugh.

DAN

LANCE IN THE MEANTIME WALKS BACK FROM THE BATHROOM AND IN THE
VIEW OF THE CAMERA BRIEFLY SAYS SOMETHING TO THE OLD PROFESSOR

IN THE CORNER WHO WE DON'T GET A CLEAR SHOT OF HIS FACE, AND THEN
COMES AND SITS AT THE TABLE JUST IN TIME FOR...
KURT
(looking at his phone while
Lance approaches)
Hey guys, it looks like Amanda is going
to be in town tonight.
DAN
Oh? What's up?
KURT
I guess her dad is sick or something. She
is going to come over to the house tonight.
LUCAS
It'll be nice to see here again, it has
been awhile.
KURT
(taking off his sweater)
Man I have been warm all day.
LUCAS
How? It's freezing out there.
KURT
I am wearing my new sack sweater.
DAN
Do I dare ask? I mean this is going to
be what I think it is right?
KURT
It is a fleece sack to keep my boys from
freezing.
DAN
Please tell me you are kidding.
LUCAS
So it's a sack sack.
KURT

Lance told me to bundle up.

LANCE
Leave me out of this. I want nothing to
do with the warmth of your scrotum.
KURT
So, any hotties in class this morning?
(rubbing his hands together
with a slight touch of crazy
eyes)
LUCAS
Calm down there Romeo.
LANCE
Yes Kurt, there are some very talented
girls at the college.
KURT
Nice!
DAN
Maybe you should go back to school Kurt.
KURT
As a matter of fact, you are looking at
a future MBA'er.
LUCAS
Really?
KURT
I am unofficially in the Golden Plow
Program at work.
LANCE
I thought you got passed up for that.
KURT
I did originally, but the guy in front
of me had a rock problem.
LUCAS

Crack or curling?
KURT
Curling.
DAN
Canadian crack.
LUCAS
Either way, congratulations.
WAITRESS APPROACHES
WAITRESS
Hey boys, what are we having today?
FADE OUT

ACT 5
KURT IS BACK AT THE OFFICE IN A CONFERENCE ROOM BY HIMSELF WORKING
AT A LAPTOP. THERE ARE TWO CONFERENCE PHONES IN MIDDLE OF THE
TABLE AND KURT APPEARS TO BE PHYSICALLY SETTING UP FOR A CONFERENCE
CALL.
AN OVER THE SHOULDER CAMERA SHOT SHOWS KURT WORKING, AND ON A
SLIP OF PAPER SHOWS A PHONE NUMBER "1-800-XXX-XXXX" AND THEN SHOW
KURT TYPING IT ON THE EMAIL AS "1-900-XXX-XXXX"
PEOPLE START FILING INTO THE CONFERENCE ROOM AND THERE IS SOME
SMALL TALK BETWEEN THE PEOPLE COMING IN THE DOOR AS WELL AS SOME
HEAD NODS AND OTHER MINOR ACKNOWLEDGMENTS TOWARD KURT (IMPROVISE
AREA).
AS THE ROOM BEGINS TO FILL, KURT STARTS DIALING THE 1-900 NUMBERS
ON THE CONFERENCE PHONE. IT RINGS TWICE OVER THE SPEAKER.
V/O PHONE
Welcome to the woman inside of you. I am
blessed that you are interested in the
womanly lifestyle.
THE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM AT THIS POINT ARE SMILING AND SOME ARE
LAUGHING (IMPROVISE AREA). KURT IS FREAKING OUT AND TRYING TO
HANG UP THE PHONE BY MADLY PUNCHING BUTTONS.
KURT
Oh no. Oh no. This is definitely not the
right number. This is definitely not the
right number.
V/O PHONE
Press 1 if you would like to order my new
book, "Estragenary" (pronounced like
extraordinary)...
JON
(Laughing)
I don't know Kurt, this sounds a lot more
interesting than anything that we were
going to be talking about on the
conference call!
V/O PHONE
Press 2 if you would like to order my video
series, "How to explain your
womanhood"...
OFFICE WORKER #1

(Laughing)
Something you want to tell us Kurt?
KURT FINALLY GETS THE PHONE HUNG UP AND THE MESSAGE STOPS.
KURT
No! I am all man!
JON
Yeah, a man who can't dial a phone number.
KURT
(Redialing number)
Ha! Laugh it up chuckles.
THE PHONE BEGINS RINGING ON THE OTHER END AND THE INSTANT IT
CONNECTS, NUMEROUS PEOPLE START MAKING FUN OF HIM, BUT ALL IN
A GOOD NATURED WAY (IMPROVISE AREA).
FADE OUT WITH KURT LOOKING SLIGHTLY STRESSED BUT RELIEVED THE ORDEAL
IS OVER

ACT 6
INT. KURT'S HOUSE -- EVENING
NUMEROUS GUESTS PRESENT WITH THE GAME ON TV. KURT'S UPSTAIRS DECOR
LOOKS LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN A COLLEGE FRAT HOUSE AND AN 80 YEAR
OLD MAN'S HOME. BEER BOTTLES LINE THE TOP OF THE CABINETS AND
GENERIC HOTEL ART HANGS ON THE WALLS. NONE OF THE FURNITURE MATCHES,
BUT HE HAS A LARGE TV AND SOUND SYSTEM AS WELL AS A MINI FRIDGE
RIGHT NEXT TO THE NORMAL FRIDGE.
KURT
(Sitting next to Lucas and his
wife Kristi on couch)
I am excited for this game!
LUCAS
Even though you broke Ironside's arm with
your voodoo magic?
KURT
I do not have voodoo powers
(Then turning to glare at
Kristi)
Or do I?
KRISTI
Eh, maybe not, unless googley eyes or
decreasing libido is a voodoo power.
LUCAS
(To Kristi)
I think you should paint Kurt sometime.
He would make a "unique" model.
KRISTI
I could use the practice. I haven't
painted nudes in a long time.
KURT
(Shaking his head)
No, No, I don't expose myself to taken
women.
DAN

What about your hot neighbor?

KURT
That was an accident. She wasn't supposed
to be looking through the fence, and my
towel wasn't supposed to fall off.
DOORBELL RINGS AND KURT JUMPS UP TO GET IT ANTICIPATING MORE GUESTS
FOR THE PARTY.
ENTER AMANDA.
AMANDA
What up kids!
KURT GIVES AMANDA A BIG HUG IN THE DOORWAY WHILE EVERYONE SAYS
HELLO IN A VARIETY OF WAYS.
KURT
Hey, how's your Dad?
AMANDA
Not good. Sounds like he could be in the
hospital for at least another week and
then after that, even if he does pull
through they don't think he will be able
to go back to work.
KURT
That sucks. So what's going to happen with
the place?
AMANDA
I think I am going to stay here and take
over. Maybe get Michelle to come up and
help out, at least for the time being.
We have both been looking for a reason
to get out of Minneapolis and as
unfortunate as it is, this might be the
reason.
KURT
Well it would be great to have you here
for a little while, that's for sure.
AMANDA
Yeah, so I'm not late am I?
KURT

Game just started, you hungry? Thirsty?

AMANDA
I could use a beer for sure.
KURT
In the fridge dear, whatever you want,
mi casa es su casa.
AMANDA HEADS TO THE FRIDGE AND OPENS THE DOOR. SHE GRABS A LARGE
JAR WITH A DARK LIQUID AND A GIANT SNOTTY, THICK MASS FLOATING
IN IT.
AMANDA
Gross! Kurt! What is this?
KURT
Aggh! Lance! What are you growing in my
fridge?
LANCE
It's a symbiotic colony of bacteria and
yeast. You can drink it. It's good for
you.
(Beat)
It's also probably not the worst
thing in your fridge right
now.)
KURT
What is wrong with you?
LANCE
Oh it's fine, once I set up some lab space
at the school and out in the shed...
KURT
Oh no! The shed is for shed things, not
Doctor Frankenlance things.
KRISTI
Maybe you could build Kurt a girlfriend.
KURT
(Pointing)
Ew. Not if she looks like that thing.

LANCE
Kurt doesn't need a girlfriend.
Apparently Kurt has had a woman inside
of him all along.
EVERYONE
What?!? (Laughing)
DAN
I think that's backwards.
KURT
You just had to tell them.
LANCE
Kurt's conference call took a near
"R-rated" turn this afternoon. Leave it
to the MBA to screw up a phone number.
KURT
Yes, but while there was a little SNAFU
this afternoon, I also already told the
guys at lunch, I also may be getting a
promotion.
EVERYONE
Various forms of congratulations
(Improvise).
AMANDA
So let me get this straight. You got
offered a promotion, even though you can't
get a simple conference call right?
KURT
Well, technically I got the offer before
I screwed up the conference call.
AMANDA
Ah, well now it makes sense.
LANCE
(Suggestively)
Oh, I am sure he earned it in other ways.
KRISTI

That a boy Kurt! Sleeping your way to the

top.
KURT
Oh I did not!
AMANDA
Well you are hot enough, I could see it.
KURT
I am hot enough! I am the most eligible
bachelor in Fargo!
LOUD NOISE COMES FROM THE TV AND THERE IS SOME ACTION IN THE
BASKETBALL GAME THAT BRIEFLY DISTRACTS EVERYONE FROM THE
CONVERSATION
KURT (CONT'D)
(As he bounds into his bedroom)
I almost forgot to show everyone my new
"game-watching" hat.
KURT COMES OUT OF HIS ROOM WEARING A COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS LOOKING
HAT OF SOME KIND THAT CORRESPONDS TO HIS ALMA MATER'S TEAM COLORS.
KURT (CONT'D)
Is it on straight?
LUCAS
Yes, but I think your face is crooked.
EVERYONE LAUGHS AND JOKES AND CONTINUES WATCHING THE GAME, EATING,
DRINKING, AND GENERALLY HAVING A GOOD TIME (IMPROVISE)
FADE OUT

TAG
FADE IN:
INT. KURT'S HOUSE -- EVENING
KURT
(Talking into phone while
sitting on the couch, book open
in his lap)
Yes...Yes...Yes...Yes...No...No...Oh!
Finally! Thank you. I had just one simple
question for you. Your book has been such
an inspiration. I have been struggling
with female relations and the top 10 list
for single men in chapter 6 mentions
"manscaping". I tried Googling it, but
all the pictures were way too graphic.
(BEAT)
AT THIS POINT LANCE COMES UP THE STEPS BEHIND KURT, OVERHEARING
THE CONVERSATION.
KURT (CONT'D)
Uh Huh. Oh I see. So maybe a heart or a
star or something. Hmm, that sounds nice.
KURT REALIZES LANCE IS IN THE ROOM.
KURT (CONT'D)
(Hurriedly)
Okay, I gotta go. Thanks. Bye!
LANCE
So...planning on doing a little personal
grooming huh?
KURT
What? How did you...I mean I don't know
what you are talking about.
LANCE
(Pointing at the book)
Chapter 6 was my favorite too.
OPENS SHIRT WITH FLAIR TO SHOW A DNA HELIX.
FADE OUT.