Act V

Scene I
Scene I takes place in a cemetery in a churchyard in
Elsinore.
There is a deep grave which is almost
completed. Enter a GRAVEDIGGER who starts to finish
digging the grave. Enter Hamlet and Horatio.
HAMLET
I will speak to this fellow.
Whose grave's this,
sirrah?
GRAVEDIGGER
Mine, sir.
HAMLET
I think it be thine indeed, for
thou liest in it.
Hamlet turns and speaks to the audience.
HAMLET
Well, what do you want from a
joke that's over
400 years old?
Actually, Shakespeare's Hamlet was probably written in
1601. So until the year 2002, Hamlet's line about
should be "Well, what do you want from a joke that's
almost 400 years old?" Then in 2002, the line should
be "Well, what do you want from a joke that's over 400
years old."

GRAVEDIGGER
I don't lie. I have dug the grave,
and so therefore
it is mine.
HAMLET
What man do you dig it for?
GRAVEDIGGER
For no man, sir.
HAMLET
What woman then?
GRAVEDIGGER
For none neither.
HAMLET
Then who is to be buried in it?
GRAVEDIGGER
One that was a woman, sir; but
rest her soul,
she's dead.
HAMLET
I think you'd better dig some
graves for these
jokes. How long have you been
a gravedigger?

GRAVEDIGGER
I started this occupation the
day our late King
Hamlet
overcame
old
Fortinbras. That was the
day Prince Hamlet was born.
The Gravedigger continues digging the grave.
comes upon a skull, and tosses it out of the grave.

He

GRAVEDIGGER
This graveyard's getting
crowded. This skull has
been in the earth a long time.
HAMLET
Whose was it?
GRAVEDIGGER
That was Yorick's skull, the
King's jester.
Hamlet picks up the skull and looks at it sadly. He
speaks somberly. In fact, this is the only time in the
entire play when Hamlet is completely and genuinely
serious.
HAMLET
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him,
Horatio. A
funny little man with a derby
hat and a bamboo
cane. He wore a jacket that

was too small and

shoes that were too large. He
used to walk a
splayfooted walk, all the while
twirling his cane.
And he had a tiny little mustache which he
used
to twitch back and forth when
he was upset.
He was a funny little man. And the last
time
I saw him, he was a pink-faced,
white-haired
old man who kept patting my
hand and saying,
"Keep warm. Keep warm." It
doesn't seem
fair that the comedians should
have to die,
just like everyone else.
Suddenly Hamlet is no longer serious.
HAMLET
Oh well.
He casually tosses the skull over his shoulder and kicks
it away (just as Yorick would have done). Hamlet hears
people approaching from off stage.
HAMLET
But soft! Here comes the King,
the Queen, and

the courtiers. Let's hide and

see what's going on.
Hamlet and Horatio hide behind some gravestones.
Enter the King, Queen, Laertes and COURTIERS. They
carry the body of Ophelia wrapped in a shroud. The
body remains covered by the shroud throughout the
entire scene, so we never actually see the body of
Ophelia.
LAERTES
Lay my sister's body in the
earth, and from her
fair and unpolluted flesh may
violets spring!
The body of Ophelia is gently placed in the grave.
HAMLET
What? Is that Ophelia?
QUEEN
Farewell, Ophelia. I had hoped
you would have
been my Hamlet's bride.
I
thought to have
decked your bridal bed with
flowers, instead of
thy grave.
LAERTES
Speak not the hated name of
Hamlet! His wicked

deed has caused her death!

The Gravedigger prepares to shovel dirt into the grave.
LAERTES
Wait! Hold off the earth awhile,
till I have caught
her once more in my arms.
Laertes climbs down into the grave.
LAERTES
Oh heaven, I would give up my
newly-granted
claim of succession to the
throne, to be buried
with her now.
Hamlet springs up from his hiding place.
HAMLET
Hey! Get out of that grave! If
anyone has a right
to give up the throne to be
buried with her, it is I,
Hamlet the Dane!
Hamlet leaps into the grave.
There is a horrible
crunching sound as he lands, and perhaps a moan from
Ophelia.
LAERTES
Get off my sister! You just
jumped onto my sister!
Laertes pushes Hamlet off of the body of Ophelia.

LAERTES
Ophelia!
Laertes grabs the body. Hamlet tries to pull it away,
banging the body against the sides of the grave. There
are faint muffled cries coming from the shroud, but no
one notices them.
HAMLET
Give her back!
Laertes and Hamlet have a vicious tug-of-war with the
body. Suddenly, Hamlet lets go, and the body slams
into the side of the grave with a sickening thud.
HAMLET
OK! OK, I can tell when I'm not
welcome.
Hamlet climbs out of the grave and exits. Laertes peeks
inside the shroud and shudders. He angrily turns to the
gravedigger.
LAERTES
You might as well go ahead and
bury her now!
She's dead.
Laertes exits sadly.
KING
Gertrude, we must set some
watch over your
son!

Exeunt.
*********************************************************
Scene II
Scene II takes place in a hall in the castle. Enter Hamlet
and Horatio.
HAMLET
So much for this.
remember all the
circumstance?

You do

HORATIO
Sure. Your father, he's a ghost,
so you go crazy.
Then you put on a play, but your uncle
doesn't like
it, so you kill Polonius. His
daughter Ophelia
wants to marry you, but you go
to England with
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern,
so she drowns
herself.
HAMLET
Is
that
what's
been
happening? I certainly am lucky
to have you around to explain
these things to me.
Anyway, let me tell you what happened to
me on

the voyage to England. The

first night on the ship
I couldn't sleep, so I decided to
get something to
read. What I decided to get was
the commission
which Claudius had given to
Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern. I snuck into their
cabin and took
the commission. It wasn't very
interesting until
I got to the part that said that
for the good of
England and of Denmark, and
for the peace
that stands between them,
without delay, Prince
Hamlet's head should be cut
off!!!
HORATIO
Was that the most interesting
part?
HAMLET
I thought so. Didn't you think it
was interesting?
Horatio is undecided.
HORATIO

Well ...
HAMLET
I know the writing was a little
flat, so I decided to
make a few revisions. I rewrote
the commission
so that it said that for the good
of England and
of Denmark, and for the peace
that stands between
them, without delay, Hamlet
should be given lots
of money and beautiful naked
women.
Hamlet smiles proudly at Horatio.
HAMLET
Don't you think that's better?
HORATIO
Why didn't you say Horatio
should get the money
and women? Then you'd have
something!
HAMLET
You
mean
you'd
have
something! I put the commission
back in Rosencrantz's and
Guildenstern's cabin.

Unfortunately, the next day we were attacked by

pirates, and I never got to
England. Oh, I almost
forgot, ... I did make one other
small change in the
commission, it's hardly worth
mentioning, really.
HORATIO
What was that?
HAMLET
I told the English King to have
Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern put to death.
Horatio looks accusingly at Hamlet, who looks a little
embarrassed.
HAMLET
Well, they deserved it, spying
on me for Claudius!
Anyway, this kind of thing suits them. I
can just
imagine their reaction when
they find out what the
commission says. I can see
them in my mind's
eye....
Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern with the English
EXECUTIONER.

ROSENCRANTZ
Well, Guildenstern, here's
another fine mess you've
gotten me into.
Guildenstern starts weeping. He tries to speak through
his tears.
GUILDENSTERN
But I didn't do anything! I....
The English Executioner leads them off stage.
HORATIO
Hey, who's that coming?
HAMLET
Oh,

that's

just

Osric,

the

courtier.
Enter OSRIC, a young courtier.
OSRIC
Your lordship is welcome back
to Denmark.
I bring word from the King. He proposes
to
place a wager on a friendly,
sporting duel
between yourself and young
Laertes. The
King shall wager that in a
dozen passes of the
sword, Laertes shall not exceed
you by three

hits.
HORATIO
Hey, that's good! That sounds
like fun.
HAMLET
You think so? All right, tell the
King I'll do it, any
time he's ready.
OSRIC
I shall tell him, my lord.
Exit Osric. Horatio also exits, and Hamlet calls out after
him.
HAMLET
Hey, where are you going?
HORATIO
To place a bet against you.
Exit Horatio.
HAMLET
It's nice to have the confidence
of your friends.
There's something that bothers me about
this
duel.
My stepfather, who's
already tried to kill
me once, has set up a fencing
match with Laertes,

who also hates me. But Horatio

seems to think
the match is a good idea, which
means I must
be crazy to agree to it! But
what will come will
come. The readiness is all.
And I don't think
I'm ready yet!!!
Enter the King, Queen, Laertes, Osric and various other
Courtiers and Attendants. A moment later Horatio
enters, having placed his bet.
KING
Come, Hamlet, come and take
this hand from
me.
The King gives Laertes' hand to Hamlet. They shake
hands.
HAMLET
Laertes, I want you to know that
I'm sorry I
killed your father and caused
the death of your
sister, but I'll forgive and forget
if you will.
LAERTES
(coldly)
I am satisfied.

HAMLET
Then let's play the match. Give
us the foils.
KING
Give them the foils, young
Osric.
Osric brings Hamlet and Laertes two identical, bated
fencing foils. Laertes and Hamlet each take one.
LAERTES
This is too heavy for me. Let
me see another.
Osric takes Laertes' foil, and goes off stage to get
another one.
HAMLET
This one seems OK.
Osric re-enters with a huge unbated sword for Laertes.
It is much larger than Hamlet's sword. Laertes takes
the giant, deadly sword and takes a practice lunge.
LAERTES
Yes, that's better.
HAMLET
Say, are these weapons all of
the same length?
OSRIC
Of course, my lord.

HAMLET
I just wanted to make sure mine
wasn't longer.
I'd hate to have an unfair advantage.
KING
Very well. Let the match begin!
Hamlet and Laertes fence. Hamlet is fairly fast and
agile, and his footwork is unique. He manages to avoid
being hit by Laertes' sword.
HAMLET
You know, Laertes, you should
play Horatio
sometime. He's an expert on
fencing. He'll fence
anything he can get his hands
on.
Hamlet manages to hit Laertes.
HAMLET
One!
LAERTES
No.
HAMLET
Judgment?
OSRIC
A hit, a very palpable hit.
The King offers Hamlet the poisoned chalice of wine.

KING
Congratulations, Hamlet. Here
is a chalice
of wine for your refreshment.
HAMLET
Nice try, Claudius, but it won't
work.
KING
What do you mean, Hamlet?
HAMLET
I know what you're up to, trying
to get me
drunk!

I'm staying sober for

this match!
Hamlet and Laertes fence. Hamlet scores another hit.
HAMLET
Another hit! What say you?
LAERTES
A touch, a touch, I do confess
it.
The Queen takes the poisoned chalice.
QUEEN
I drink to thy good fortune,
Hamlet.
KING
Gertrude, do not drink!

QUEEN
I will, my lord; I pray you
pardon me.
She drinks. The King speaks quietly to himself.
KING
It is the poisoned cup; it is too
late.
HAMLET
Come, Laertes.
They fence for a while, but no one is hit. They pause.
OSRIC
Nothing either way.
LAERTES
Have at you now!
Suddenly, Laertes stabs at Hamlet before the match has
started again. Hamlet is scratched by the envenomed
sword.
HAMLET
That was an unthrustworthy
attack!
They start to fence again in earnest. Laertes drops his
sword. Hamlet exchanges swords with him. Hamlet
wounds Laertes. Suddenly, the Queen falls.
OSRIC
Look to the Queen!
KING
She swoons to see them bleed.

QUEEN
No, no, the drink, the drink, -Oh, my dear
Hamlet, -- the drink, the drink -Hamlet picks up the chalice and offers it to her.
HAMLET
You want a drink?
QUEEN
I am poisoned!
She dies.
HAMLET
What???
Laertes falls.
LAERTES
Hamlet, thou art slain.
HAMLET
Don't be ridiculous! This is a
comedy!
LAERTES
Thou art
treacherous instrument is in
thy hand,
envenomed. Thy mother's

slain!

The

unbated

and

poisoned. The King, the King's

to blame!
Hamlet is furious. He turns to face Claudius.
HAMLET
Thou incestuous, murderous,
damned Dane,
I'll kill you now!!!
However, before Hamlet can act, he starts thinking
again.
HAMLET
But which shall I use, the
envenomed sword
or the poisoned drink? The
sword would be
more bloody and more certain,
but it would
seem too like an honorable
soldier's death.
The poison is a more ignominious end,
but
there is little left, and how can I
be sure he'd
drink it down. On the other
hand, maybe
I shouldn't kill him at all, now
that his treachery
is known to all, but let him live
on in disgrace,
until the people do....

Everyone who is still alive yells at Hamlet.

ALL
Kill him already! Make up your
mind and kill
him!!!
HAMLET
Oh, what the hell!
Hamlet stabs Claudius with the envenomed sword, and
at the same time pours the poisoned drink down his
throat. Claudius dies.
LAERTES
He is justly served. Exchange
forgiveness with me,
noble Hamlet! I blame you not
for mine and my
father's death. Blame me not
for thine!
Laertes dies. Hamlet collapses, and Horatio goes to
him.
HAMLET
I am dying, Horatio. I'd hoped
the ending would
be funnier than this.
HORATIO
You want me to tell some
jokes?

HAMLET
I didn't think I'd die, as long as I
kept this a comedy.
Maybe killing Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern wasn't
such a funny idea after all.
Horatio, how is it that
you're the only major character
to survive? The
only one in the entire play?
HORATIO
It's funny you should ask. I
didn't think I was gonna
live. In fact, I was so sure I was
gonna die, I bet
this
guy
named
Will
Shakespeare 200 kroner that
I'd die before the play was over,
and what do you
think happens? I lose the bet!
Just my luck, huh?
HAMLET
The rest is silence.
Hamlet dies. The sound of military drums comes from
off stage.
HORATIO
Hey, what's that noise?
Osric runs off stage to find out. He returns.

OSRIC
Fortinbras,

Young
with
conquest comes from
Poland.
Enter YOUNG FORTINBRAS and some of his soldiers.
Young Fortinbras has a ski-slope shaped nose, and
speaks with rapid-fire delivery.
FORTINBRAS
Hi, this is Young "Happy To Be
Back In Denmark"
Fortinbras, and I gotta tell you, I
thought I'd seen
bloodshed in Poland, but this is
ridiculous. I was
going to give the Danish court
a twenty-one gun
salute, but it looks like
someone beat me to it.
You know, a funny thing happened on the
way
to the castle. I ran into the
English Ambassador,
and he told me that
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
are dead. I said, "Who isn't?"
But I love Elsinore,
it's gotta be the only place on
Earth where they
built a moat to protect the
people outside from the

violence inside the castle. But

seriously, folks,
such a sight as this becomes
the field, but here
shows much amiss. Go bid the
soldiers shoot.
Exeunt, bearing off the dead bodies; after which a peal
of ordinance is shot off.
********************************************************
THE END