Flour power!

MARCH 2015 3 . 99

BAKE

FOR HIM MAGA Z INE

SO HOT
RIGHT NOW!

LIKE A
MAN!

THE

303 MARCH 2015

ARE YOU BRAVE

ENOUGH FOR

50 SHADES

ITS GREAT TO BE A MA N

BEDTIME
BONDAGE?!

STARRING

2015

HOLLYWOODS
MOST WANTED

P20

ITS
GREAT
TO B
A M AE
N

HOW TO

RUN AN ACE PUB

WRITE A HIT BOOK
INVENT A SERIOUS
MONEY SPINNER

WHAT THE HELL

IS COOL?

#303

ASHLEY BENSON
SHOT BY ZOE MCCONNELL
AT CHILLI MEDIA

EDS LETTER...

Its a question that the FHM team

had to at least attempt to answer
when putting together our rst ever
Cool List. Its certainly not an easy
thing to dene: one mans effortless
cool is anothers try-hard wanker.
In the end, after much heated
debate on the merits of caps turned
backwards and how long a beard
could be left unkempt, we decided
there was no set criteria to making
the mark, no science of being
cool. If there was, then with a
bit of effort and the right t-shirt
anyone could qualify.
The 40 men and women on our
list are all very, very different,
but there are a few commonalities.
Unifying qualities like a good work
ethic, creativity, humour, not being
a dick about being so goddamn
brilliant and the most important
of all, originality. These are oneoff individuals that arent afraid
to do things in their own (and
often amazing), way.
Its sort of the opposite to being
cool at school. That was all about
falling in line, wearing the correct
trainers, liking the right bands,
avoiding saying anything stupid.
Things you feel the individuals on
our list have never given a monkeys
about. And thats why we love them.
These guys and girls have spent
their whole lives with their middle
ngers up consciously or
not and now theyre selling
out stadiums and putting bums
on cinema seats all over the world.
Enjoy the list, and the issue.
And if weve been deeply uncool
and omitted someone that really
should have made the cut, drop
us a line and let us know

STARTS ON PAGE P54

COOL. IT COMES
IN MANY SHAPES
AND SIZES

Joe Barnes, editor

LIKE GIRLS, PIZZA AND MAGIC? SUBSCRIBE TO OUR RATHER BRILLIANT YOUTUBE CHANNEL
Search: FHM YOUTUBE

003

WHATS YOUR THING?

MIXOLOGIST
BUILDER
TASTY CHEF
ASTRONOMER
DJ
GARDENER
BAKER
DIY SUPREMO
GAMER
FASHIONISTA
TRAINERADDICT
FITNESS FANATIC
FOOTBALLER
SURVIVALIST
GADGET GUY
GUITAR WIZARD

THEHOW TO PROJECT
FHM IS SEARCHING FOR THE NATIONS FINEST EXPERTS AND PROS FOR A NEW VIDEO PROJECT. UPLOAD A
SHORT VIDEO OF YOURSELF TO YOUTUBE SHOWING OFF YOUR SKILLS AND SEND THE LINK TO

HOWTO@FHM.COM

Regretfully we can only reply to successful applicants

CONTENTS 03/15

Spoiler
alert!
LOOK AWAY NOW IF YOU
DONT WANT TO KNOW
WHATS IN THE ISSUE

Neon food? Has to be Heston p40

Spas: are we missing out? p116

Fifty shades of pain p20

Style on the slopes p102

The best kind of dogs p44

Sweet FA? Behind the scenes on the football institution p74

Man, meet mixer p90

ACCESS

FEATURES

UPGRADE

14 WOULD WIFE

54 FHMS COOL LIST 2015

82 COULD YOU

116 SPA WEEKEND, ANYONE?

Melissa Sattas the ItalianAmerican actress with the

power to make your groin
go all funny.

We count down the 40

men and women who,
right now at this very
moment in time rule the
ever-shifting universe of
bleeding-edge cool.

Run a brilliant brewery?

Start your own wrestling
federation? Write a
best-seller? Guys who
have taken the plunge
tell you how you can do
the same (and not go
bankrupt in the process).

Waxing, manicures and

facials? Rugby players test
out your girls pamper
routines to nd out if its
really worth it after all.

20 SEX, 50 SHADES-STYLE
A shotgun guide to
bondage from Dirty
Sanchezs Matt Pritchard,
before the steamiest lm
of the year gives your
girlfriend some ideas

44 COOK KILLER CORN DOGS

Our record-spinning,
meat-searing foodmaster,
DJ BBQ, teaches you how
to make a tasty US classic.

74 BRITISH FOOTBALLS
IDENTITY CRISIS
We go behind the scenes
of Match Of The Day to
nd out whether the FA
Cup still has a place in
todays footballing world
of billionaire sponsors and
oligarch owners.

90 A MANS GUIDE TO BAKING

The times come: roll up
those sleeves, our all the
surfaces and get ready to
be intimate with some
dough. Baking is, at long
last, manly.

120 KENTUCKY BOOZE TRAIL

FHM makes a pilgrimage
to some of the Deep
Souths most underground
drinking holes. Cue
wobbly legs, ice chefs
and drunken gambling.

124 THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP

Unlock the secrets of
snooze town youll never
fall asleep at work again.

Printed in the UK by Southern Print Ltd; distribution by Frontline Ltd (01733 555161). FHM is a registered trademark Bauer Consumer Media Ltd ISSN No 0966-0933. For Him Magazine is published in the UK by FHM International Network, part of Bauer Consumer Media Ltd.
If you have any trouble getting hold of FHM, call our distribution company, Frontline, on 01733 555161. For back issues call 01858 468811. Member of Audit Bureau of Circulation. Nothing in this magazine may be reproduced in whole or part without the written permission of the
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US Hwy 46, Clifton, NJ, 07015-9998. FHM is also available in both audio and electronic format from the Talking Newspaper Association for the blind and partially sighted. Call 0870 442 9590.

005

THE TEAM

ITs grEAT TO BE A MAN

WHAT FHM Ers HAVE BEEN UP TO THIs MONTH

WE gOT IDD!

While enjoying
a well-deserved
after-work drink,
deputy editor Joe
(aged 31) was
cornered by
a couple of
heavies accusing
him of being
underage.
Apparently
Wetherspoons
doesnt accept full,
lustrous beards
as valid ID, so they
chucked him out
on to the streets,
mid-pint. Needless
to say they made
a powerful,
powerful enemy.

Email us: name.surname@fhm.com

With a little help from
Drew Middleton, Anna Frame, Jason Riley, Chris Haynes,
Mandy Rowson, Harry Grindrod, Gemma Hills
If youre interested in doing work experience
at FHM HQ, visit gothinkbig.co.uk

FHM is topped up with adverts by

Ad Hotline (020 7295 5000)
Group MD Advertising Richard Dunmall
Head of Creative & Brand Solutions Clare Chamberlain
Head of Marketplace Simon Kilby
Head of Brands Remy Kirk
Group Brand Director Hannah Preston
Media Planner John Donnachie
Film Account Director Liz Harriott
Display Sales Executive Sophie North
Creative Solutions Manager Rick Williams
Senior Creative Solutions Executive Keith Hillman
Senior Creative Solutions Executive Lily Richardson
Creative Solutions Executive Danny Crutchley
Classied Sales Executive Jordan Clarke
Classied Sales Manager Karen Gardiner
Inserts Manager Simon Buckenham
Ad Production Manager Helen Mear
Creative Solutions Senior Producer Jennie Mitchener
Creative Solutions Art Director Jon Creswell

WE DIsCOVErED DJ BBQs sECrET

FHMs resident foodsmith DJ BBQ
is the coolest man on Earth, so it
makes sense that his rings would
be just as awe-inspiring as he is.
Upon taking them off, however, he
suddenly transformed into a
mild-mannered man named
Kenneth, and immediately started
making an unbuttered, readysalted-crisp sandwich. Are those
rings the true source of his power?

WE CAME, WE DrANK, WE KArTED

Every so often, the FHM ofce

decides to hold a Mario Kart
tournament, and every so often
it descends into a boozy battle of
ailing limbs and ying Wiimotes
and its brilliant. Thanks to
Oddbins for all of the tasty, tasty
fuel (and for convincing deputy art
editor Jamie that he could win the
whole competition driving
backwards. He couldnt).

FHM is called into meetings by

WE sTOPPED MOCKINg
THE TUrTLE (FOr NOW)

Upgrade editor Jordan is

passionate about two things: tea
and turtlenecks. Yet while his
cuppa-making skills have taken the
ofce by storm, his attempts to
establish a weekly Turtleneck
Tuesday have fallen on deaf ears.
Turns out, however, that our
warm-necked northerner may have
a point. Turn to page 38 to nd out.

WE HIT THE FrENCH ALPs

When it comes to seles, Team

Fashion Daisy and Carlotta are
prepared to go the distance
quite literally. Here they are taking
endless photographs at the French
Alps. They had planned to do some
skiing while they were there, but
they ended up spending too long
choosing the right lter. Oh well,
cest la vie.

006

MARCH 2015

Editor Joe Barnes

Art Director Will Jack
Deputy Editor Joe Mackertich
Production Editor Sarah Wolfe (maternity leave)
Acting Production Editor Emma King
Picture Editor Alex Kelly
FHM Content Director Chris Sayer
Chief Writer Matt Blake
Fashion Editor Daisy Deane
Upgrade Editor Jordan Waller
Deputy Art Editor Jamie Inglis
Deputy Fashion Editor Carlotta Constant
Web Editor Elizabeth Atkin
Social Media Editor Nick Pope
Art Assistant Stephanie Burns
Motoring Editor Conor McNicholas

Bauer Media CEO Paul Keenan

Group Managing Director Abby Carvosso
Publisher Gareth Cherriman
Business Analyst Giles Clawson
Head of Communications PR Jess Blake
Head of Marketing Simon Doggett
Marketing Executive Alex Penge
Circulation & Trade Marketing Gareth Viggers
Production Manager Andrew Stafford

FHM is taken on its travels by

International Publisher Gareth Cherriman
International Content Executive Kam Sekhon
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WHAt
NADIA
DID
NeXt
From Im A
CelebrIty
to FHm
Cover
stAr
out
5 mArCH

LETTERS

Get in touch!
letters@fhm.com
Text 07801 106410
facebook.com/fhm
@fhm #fhm
@fhmagram #fhm

03/15

Girls on TV

Recently my TV
broke down and,
as FHM is my
go-to place for
entertainment,
I thought I
would make it
the focal point in
my living room.
Now, myself and
my guests can
browse all of the
interesting
topics and pics
your mag has
to offer. Still,
a working TV
would be nice.
Steve Sloan
We would, Steve,
but we cant help
but feel that
this is a vast
improvement on
the majority of
whats on TV at
the moment,
anyway. Nice
metal poodle,
though.

Give the men a medal

The Real Mountain Men was a great

read. These rescue teams consist of
amazing individuals all unpaid
volunteers who are available at all
times of the day and night in ANY
weather, 365 days a year, to help
those in distress and lost on the
mountains. They recover climbers,
reunite lost walkers, ensure that
injured and sick casualties have
been treated and transported into
hospital care, found missing
children and vulnerable adults,
012

MARCH 2015

searched river banks and swift

waters, aided swimmers and
kayakers and rescued lots of
animals from all manner of
inaccessible places. Every single
one of them deserves an MBE.
Scott Yessen, via email
They certainly do, Scott. Remember:
if youve managed to do something
brave, incredible or just downright
impressive, tell us about it on Twitter
with the hashtag #GETONIT.

Dont talk to me about heroes

Im a Liverpool fan, and used to

watch the players train. FHM Hero
Steve McManaman was just leaving,
and there were rumours he was
moving abroad. I asked him, Are
you gonna stay or go?, and he said
he had no idea. Days later, I found
out he had signed for Real Madrid.
Your feature bought back some
painful memories.
Sean Nash via email

Yes man

I had a good laugh reading Would

you Rather?. Heres some more:
Would you rather have no one turn
up to your wedding or funeral?
Would you rather have a rewind
button in your life or a pause button?
Would you rather be stuck in a lift
with two wet dogs or two fat men
with bad breath?
My answers would be yes each time!
Stefan, via email
Yes to each one? Were not sure youve
got the hang of this game, Stefan.

LETTERS 03/15
For example: say sorry and mean
it, do laundry, dance, buy a great
present, keep nose and ear hair in
check, have a platonic female friend,
lose an argument, unhook a bra,
make smalltalk the list goes on!
Geoff Hughes
To be honest, Geoff, you should have
pinned down a few of those long ago.

Labour of Keeley love

Dont get me wrong: I am thankful to
Ed Miliband for popping this useful
little calendar through my letter box
hes probably a very busy bloke and
I appreciate the effort. But hes going
to have to try a lot harder in order to
knock FHM off of my hallowed
wall-space. Perhaps a little more
Keeley Hazell would do it.
Mark, via Instagram
We cant blame you for choosing Keeley
over Ed. Not only does she (probably)
look better in hot pants, shed be likely
to beat him at a chip-eating contest.

The training continues...

The How To special was right. We
know how to deal with pain, we can
maybe choose a new best friend,
reboot our desk, be the boss in the
kitchen and be romantic, but theres
a hell of a lot that we cant do.

Letter
of the
month

A veteran speaks

I have been reading

your magazines for
over 10 years and have
loved every single one.
When I was in the military and
deployed in 2005-2006, there were
countless times your magazine got
me and my comrades through a
12-hour shift on duty. Now, 10 years
later, I still read it every month, and
collect them all to read again.
Anyway, keep up the fantastic work.
Speaking as a veteran, I know
rst-hand the product you put out
makes troops happy every month.
Rob, via email
Its good to know our endless fart jokes
are making a difference, Rob. Thanks
to all the readers in the armed forces
who regularly get in touch. You guys
are genuinely important to us.

FHMManFood of the month

Our star-spangled grill chef DJ
BBQ is hurling a big US high-ve
and a crate of BrewDog Punk IPA
to @walshimus as a reward for
his great-looking chimichurri
roast-chicken tacos. Heres what
impressed him: Youve got a bunch
of jalapeos with the warmth of a
thousand woolly jumpers, and theres
the raddest, freshest chimichurri
sauce this side of Mexico City.
Bro-dawg, youve truly blown my
mind. I bow down to your tacomaking wizardry.

SHOW US YOUR MAN FOOD!

Every month, we select the
greatest culinary triumphs that
have been submitted on Twitter
and Instagram. Are you the king of
crisp sandwiches? Did you make
incredible pulled pork last weekend?
Then show us with the hashtag
#FHMManFood for a chance to win.
@fhm

@fhmagram

Send us your letters...

WIN A 32 TV AND BLU-RAY

PLAYER WITH FURY
Got something
insightful to say
about the mag? Well,
why dont you tell us
about it already?
To celebrate the
release of war drama
Fury on Blu-Ray and
DVD (out on 23
February from Sony
Pictures Home

Entertainment), next
months letter will win
BIG. The lucky
winner will bag a
copy of the lm
starring Brad Pitt
and Shia LaBeouf as
soldiers on a deadly
mission behind
enemy lines plus
an incredible telly

and Blu-Ray combo,

too. Not too shabby!
All you have to do
is send us a brilliant,
witty and interesting
letter (with a picture,
if youve got one) to
the usual places,
and this enormous
entertainment system
could be yours!

HOW TO ENTER

letters@fhm.com
facebook.com/fhm

Text 07801 106410

@fhm

013

MARCH 2015

ITS
GREAT
TO BE
A MAN
EDITED BY CHRIS SAYER

WHO
SHE?
Age: 28
From: Boston, US
Likes: Karate,
football,
quickies
Twitter:
@sattamelissa
Instagram:
@sattamelissa

014

MARCH 2015

Viva
Italia!

Shes the magnicent model with ninjasmooth moves. Melissa Satta will literally
make your groin go all funny
NG HA M
NN I

SI CU

NICOLA FAV

RISH

N/LIC
ARO KE

adies and
gentlemen,
introducing the
worlds greatest
Gumtree advert: Sexy,
single Italian model.
Returning from Boston,
US. Seeks average-looking
male atmate to hang out
with and have regular,
no-strings full sex. No
time-wasters.
Sadly, its not a real
advert, but effectively
the premise of Melissa
Sattas saucy Italian
sitcom in which she plays
the aforementioned dream
housemate. The Comedy
Central series is just one
of the more recent strings
to Sattas ever-growing
bow, which boasts acting,
pro-football, comedy,
gameshow-hosting and
Chuck Norris-approved
karate. Hence the
reference to her being a
ninja, although for legal
reasons we cant imply
that shes actually killed
anyone with bare hands.
She did, however, bag a
gold medal at the Italian
Karate Championships.
Although born in Boston,
US, Satta chopped her way
into the limelight after
moving to Italy to star in
numerous high-end
adverts and glossy fashion
shoots. Since then her
prole has exploded,
meaning youd be just as
likely to see her on Italian
telly screens as you would
tourists making dicks out
of themselves in front of
the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Like some sort of
Frankensteins Monster of
incredible women, shes as
well known for her acting
and football punditry as
she is her mind-blowing
modelling shoots.
Melissas Comedy Central
(Italy) web series was
essentially a carbon copy
of the Justin Timberlake/
Mila Kunis romp Friends
With Benets, and was
called Amici @ Letto
(which translates as
Friends @ Bed ). Although
her Italian co-star looks
015

I hate
foreplay,
I want
to get
straight
to the
point

more like a white, grey-haired

Laurence Fishburne than dashing
crooner Timberlake, from the clips
FHM watched on YouTube it looks
like a bit o fun. (Disclaimer: we
had no idea whatsoever what was
going on).
Silky-skills Satta played
professional football in Sardinia
at one point too, which must have
given her and former AC Milan
midelder Kevin-Prince Boateng
a smrgsbord of smalltalk when
they started going out a few years
ago. Since then its their off-theeld antics that have raised a few
eyebrows in media circles, with

5 Italian phrases
to woo Melissa

016

MARCH 2015

Avete buone abilit

con la palla.
I'm impressed by your
ball-handling skills.

what is arguably the sexiest

sporting incident since Peter
Beardsleys ballsack fell out of his
shorts that time. In 2012, while
still at Milan, Boateng was laid off
for a few games with a thigh injury
although it was Satta who offered
some more helpful insights into
his suffering. The reason he is
always injured is because we have
sex seven to 10 times a week,
she told Vanity Fair magazine.
With Boateng presumably waving
his hands and simultaneously
chewing his lips off, Satta continued:
Thats the reason for the strain.
I hate foreplay, I want to get straight

to the point. My favourite position

is on top so I can take control. So
there it is. Melissa Satta: ofcially
more of a threat to international
football than Sepp Blatter.
Of course, the Italian-American has
all the usual medals of honour that
go with being one of the worlds
sexist stars, including an appearance
in the legendary Sports Illustrated
swimsuit issue. And at 29, shes
still got plenty of time to bone
up on some new extra-curricular
activities. Were hopeful by this time
next year shell have added archery,
woodwork and snake-charming to
her roster of slightly lethal skills.

Scelgo sempre
abbondante pane
Italiano in Subway.
I always choose hearty
Italian bread in Subway.

Posso essere tuo

amico, e sono sui
beneci.
Id like to be your friend,
and Im on benets.

Sei un campione
nazionale di karate? La
tua bellezza mi KOd.
Are you a national karaoke
champion? Your beauty
just KOd me.

Una volta ho visto

Gino DAcampo a
una fermata
dellautobus.
I once saw Gino
DAcampo at a bus stop.

017

Get inspired

Paul hewitt, 38, brighton, owner of

the aono barber/streetwear brand
As soon as I was allowed in bars and clubs, I started working in them.
It probably wasnt where my mum and dad saw me, and my lifestyle got to a point where
my dad sat me down and said, Listen, no more fucking about now. I got introduced
to a hairdresser named Mark Wooley shortly after that, and the moment hit. I looked at
him, realised he was fucking cool, owned a Porsche, had four salons, was super-creative,
and had everything going for him. I thought that was the way I wanted to go.
Vinnie Morey owns The Proper Barbershop in LA. He gave me the chance to work
under him, and it changed everything. Hes a mentor and a good friend. My go-to guy.
What sums up my teenage years? Joyriding around the suburbs, in my tiny town. I
thought I got away with it, until I was about 30. Turns out, my parents knew the whole time.
Having to tell you wife youve pretty much lost everything is not cool. Id
invested all that I had into this one summer event in Brighton. The day we set up, we
got hit with one of the worst storms on record. That almost destroyed AONO. It was a
fail even before we opened. Amazingly, soon after our rst big international clothing
order came through. It was big enough to cover everything we lost. That made it better.
The streetwear side of the business started in 2011. Put simply, I couldnt nd
anything that I really wanted to wear, so made my own.
When I was younger, Id get a new pair of Jordans every month. Back then,
you had to be in the know to nd all the right stuff: books, trainers and kit. Id have
to make my parents drive up to the proper dodgy parts of London to get them. A little
kid from the suburbs of Southampton shouldnt have been there, thats all I know.
In my late teens, I had a job stripping wire out of cables. I lasted a week.
The real show-stopping tattoos came at 26. Yknow, the full sleeves, chest and
hands. That was always going to push me further and further away from getting a 95
ofce job.
I own loads of skateboards. And foam hands. And a giant whoopee cushion
outt. And other shit that my wife really hates.
I employ people who have a will to learn. They must have the right attitude and
a good work ethic. Success Through A Positive Mental Attitude by Napoleon Hill taught
me how to get rid of the negative and see everything positively. Its a big thing for me.
You need to stay positive or everything will fall apart.
A long time ago, I started losing my hair. Hence the head tattoo. I also have a
ne array of hats. One of my hats once caused a four-year-old kid to ask me if I was
a sheriff. Of course, I told him yes.
Getting the top of my head tattooed was the most horric pain Ive felt. Its
kind of like getting tattooed through your arsehole, out of your eyes and on to the top
of your head. It broke me. It took 11 hours to nish it.
Fatherhood changes your entire outlook. The selshness disappears like a
lightbulb being switched off. You realise youre there to make your kids survive. Being
a dad is a fucking full-on, awesome job. But nothing will ever prepare you for having
your rst child. No books, no nothing.
At about 6am, I get up with the kids. Then I walk to work, start at 9:30am, go
through to 8pm, walk home and then get into bed by midnight.
Stay the course, be happy, look after your family. I learned that from my
father. Hes always bloody right.
Ive heard some incredible stuff from people while cutting their hair. Weve
had drug dealers sat next to top criminal lawyers. Weve had scruff bags who turn out
to be multi-millionaires. Weve had musicians Ive never heard of, musicians I have heard
of, pro skaters, special forces, models, directors You dont know whos coming through
the door. Im waiting for the day I cut Jay Zs hair, though.
Long hair is coming back in 2015. Trust me, I know that for a fact.
018

MARCH 2015

photography: fred macgregor

Herman Munster approves of

Pauls rad haircuts.

019

The big question

AM I MAN ENOUGH FOR FIFTY

SHADES-STYLE SEX?
Pain-junkie tester:
Matt Pritchard

Get clued up in
the art of bondage
before you other
half reveals her
new toolbox of
sadistic sex toys
Any guesses what last
years most-watched
lm trailer was?
Perhaps the next instalment of
record-breaking sci- classic
Star Wars? Or the reboot of boxofce dinosaur smash Jurassic
Park? Not even close. It was, of
course, the movie thats turning
girls around the world into
sweaty, quivering wrecks: Fifty
Shades Of Grey. Back in July,
it racked up a staggering
36 million hits (roughly the
population of Poland) in just
ve days as bondage-hungry
viewers logged on to catch a
rst look.
The books by EL James,
which have sold more than 100
million copies, brought about the
Fifty Shades Effect. Passages
such as this one about jiggle
balls helped sales of the ancient
Asian sex toy to rocket by
400%: I felt the balls move and
bump against each other inside
me. By the time I was standing
up my breath was coming in
quiet gasps, and my nipples
were hard as pebbles beneath
my dress. So, before its release
on 13 February has everyone
gagging for whips and chains
again, we enlisted Dirty Sanchez
pain junkie Matt Pritchard (who
often pulls sh hooks out of his
own ear) and model Maeve
Madden to get to grips with a
bondage beginner kit, so you
know exactly what to expect
when the lights go down and
the spank paddle comes out
020

MARCH 2015

Hot-as-hell
whipsmacker:
Maeve Madden

DRIPPING
CANDLE

Drip this low-heatmelting wax on to your

partner for a warming
sensation similar to the
blood rushing around
your body before sex.
Pritchard: It smells
like Play-Doh, and now
it looks like King Kongs
jizzed on me. Its so
fucking greasy that I
cant pick up anything
without dropping it.
Maeve: Its fun, in a
Hey, this is different
kind of way. The
dripping is sexy, but
massaging the wax
is just messy.

SPANK
PADDLE

BONDAGE TAPE

BONDAGE
FOR
BEGINNERS
The starter kit youll need to get
kinky, as recommended by top
sex-toy site playkinky.com

EASY DOES IT

Fetish Fantasy
bondage tape,
4.99

Black Rose
Kinky Kuffs, 24.99

Spanking the area between the ass and the thigh can
arouse the genitals for both men and women.
Pritchard: Its like a welling pain that sort of throbs, and
my arse is denitely red raw. It makes a hell of a noise, too.
I think shes getting into this.
Maeve: This is my favourite! I love this paddle
I really feel like Im in control, and I like it.

VIXEN VINES

A survey conducted in Quebec, Canada revealed that 46%

of men consider being tied up a major sexual fantasy.
Pritchard: Shit, man, I do feel totally helpless. I dunno
why people get into this sort of stuff, but if its to feel
absolutely powerless, then its fucking working.
Maeve: Yep, this is fun. I can do whatever I like! Someone
pass me my spank paddle

Fetish Fantasy
spreader bar, 24.99

NIPPLEPS
CLAM
Black Rose Forbidden Flower
mouth bit, 19.99

PHOTOGRAPHY: MARCO VITTUR. MODEL: MAEVE MADDEN AT BODY LONDON. HAIR AND MAKE-UP: BOBBI AT LHA

Aqua Rose
massage
candle, 14.99

Fetish fantasy feather nipple

clamps, 9.99

Black Rose Sultry

Spanker, 24.99
The endorphins released during sex are also released when
you experience short, sharp pain such as a whipping.
Pritchard: Argh, thats the one. Shit the pain spreads
out like machine-gun bullets in the arse. She keeps getting
me in the knackers too, which kills.
Maeve: I wish it made an Indiana Jones whip-crack. Its
good, but not as easy to control as the paddle.

When stimulated correctly, male nipples can transmit

sensations to the brain much like the ones from your groin.
Pritchard: After a minute or so the pain builds, but Ive
done worse. For a proper rush, use a big bulldog clip. Dont
rip the fuckers off, though, or your nip will go with it.
Maeve: Theres no pleasure in these for me. Im not
getting anything, so Im not feeling it.

HARDCORE

Black Rose
Vixen Vines,
49.99

Watch Pritchard test bulldog clips on YouTube.com/FHM

021

Entertain your brain

themonth
month ahead
Things to doforthis
88
12 must-knows

024

March 2015

01

02

New tunes

Choose your new

lady rocker

Lost hero

February 20th marks the 10th anniversary of

Hunter S Thompsons death a Yankee author whod
routinely drop acid, snort cocaine, neck entire bottles
of whiskey and still manage to produce some of the
nest literature of the 20th century.
And though the gun-toting troublemaker is best known
for 1971s Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas his largely
autobiographical novel-turned-movie about a substancefuelled hunt for the American Dream (which packs
possibly the greatest opening line ever: We were
somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert
when the drugs began to take hold), dig deeper and
youll nd a treasure trove of Thompson-typed gold.
Once a jobbing writer who survived on elk liver and
milk while struggling to make the rent, Thompson
spent a year in the 60s on the road with Americas
scariest motorcycle gang. The resulting book Hells
Angels crammed full of gasoline, bar ghts and even
rape launched the professional lunatic to stardom
(even if it did lose him his biker mates).
Then, in 1970, Thompson went right ahead and
reinvented journalism, with The Kentucky Derby Is
Decadent And Depraved a magazine piece later
reprinted in his The Great Shark Hunt book whereby
a seriously addled Thompson observed the depravity
of an annual horse race, without actually writing about
horses. A frantic mix of booze, drugs and a warped stream
of consciousness, Thompson believed the article was
rubbish, when in reality hed accidentally created Gonzo,
a new reckless rock n roll form of experiential journalism.
Later of course came Vegas, along with Hunters
scything takedown of the 72 presidential election
(Fear And Loathing On The Campaign Trail) , his twisted
Gonzo memoir Kingdom Of Fear and his long-lost novel
The Rum Diary a quintessential man read.
With booze, guns, sticuffs and strong narcotics all
vital ingredients to any Thompson read not to mention
HST the main attraction whatever the subject matter
you could be fooled into thinking each iconic piece
was carefully crafted, every adjective honed. They werent.
There is hardly a paragraph in this jangled saga that
wasnt produced in a last-minute, teeth-grinding frenzy,
Thompson, who eventually shot himself in the head and
had his ashes blasted out of a cannon in the shape of
a st, wrote in Fear And Loathing On The Campaign Trail,
summarising both his life and career alike. And yet his
books rightfully duke it out with other literary
heavyweights of our time, decades on.

Even your pop-loving gran has noticed how many

female-fronted rock bands there are right now. Take LA
indie whippersnappers Echosmith, whove had the nations
feet tapping with the super-infectious single Cool Kids.
Heres three more of the best that you need to hear

WOLF
ALICE
Sign theyll be massive: Shortlisted for the
BBC Sound of 2015, where they were described
as 90s-esque grunge-pop with scuzzy guitars
and melancholy vocals.
Essential earworm: Moaning Lisa Smile

MARMOZETS

Sign theyll be massive: Weekly rock bible

Kerrang! gave them a perfect score for their shouty
debut album The Weird And Wonderful Marmozets.
Essential earworm: Move, Shake, Hide
PHOTOGRAPHY: GETTY, URSULA COYOTE/AMC, ALL STAR/SONY PICTURES, ROGER SARGENT, SHUTTERSTOCK, GAMES
PRESS, GETTY. ADDITIONAL WORDS: SAM ROWE, MATT HAMBLY, SI CUNNINGHAM. ALL BOOKS FROM AMAZON.CO.UK

Pour one out

for Dr Gonzo

PVRIS
Sign theyll be massive: Even before they
set foot in the UK, the US electro rockers rst
headline shows here in April had sold out within
a matter of weeks.
Essential earworm: White Noise

025

Entertain your brain

March

03

Essential albums

Swot up on funk
Better call
Saul or the
Ghostbusters

Mark Ronsons album Uptown Special

has turned us into a nation of funk lovers.
Nows the time to drop a needle on these
ve essential psychedelic records, as
picked by Steve Sexton from legendary
London vinyl store Sister Ray
Breakwater
Splashdown (1980)
This is a great LP of
super-tight grooves
and swinging brass.
Youll know Release
The Beast, thanks to
Daft Punk sampling
it on Robot Rock.

04
New telly

The Invaders
Spacing Out (1970)
Obscure and cult
Bermudan funk with
killer bass, horny
horns and a delicious
psychedelic frosting.

Wild Cherry
Wild Cherry (1976)
What a cover! Play
That Funky Music
[White Boy] was the
hit, but theres a great
version of the Motown
classic Nowhere To
Run to feast on, too.
The J.B.s
Doing It To Death
(1973)
James Brown, his
backing bands best
line-up, 10-minute
funk workouts, Black
Power, sax and
trombone freakouts.

Funkadelic
Maggot Brain (1971)
Anything touched by
the genius of George
Clinton has the funk,
but this is my fave.
An acid-fried record
thats deeply weird
and deeply funky.

026

MARCH 2015

Decide if you really

should call Saul
Finally, the debut of long-awaited Breaking
Bad spin-off Better Call Saul is coming to our
screens. The jurys still out on whether the exploits
of scumbag lawyer Saul Goodman can ll the
Heisenberg-shaped hole in our lives, but one
things for sure hes the man wed want to have
our backs if we ever reigned supreme over a
crystal meth empire. Unfortunately, he lives all
the way in America, so we called a local, less
than reputable no win, no fee rm (who we wont
name for, er, legal reasons) posing as Walter White,
seeking counsel for some of his more diabolical
schemes, to see how helpful theyd be
[After speaking to a receptionist, asking to
remain anonymous and being connected
to a criminal lawyer]
Hello. Im in a bit of a legal pickle.
Ive been corralled by a local drugs
kingpin and chicken-shop owner into
manufacturing and distributing Class A
drugs for him. I just wondered where I
stood should I want to get out of this
situation unscathed?
Right, OK. Well, it doesnt really matter who
this character is if youre caught by the police
in the production, you know? The laws very
clear and theres no grey area. I mean, if youre
under duress, as you say you are, that has been
used as a defence. But it doesnt work.

So I should try to get rid of him without

the police?
[LAUGHS] Er, I wouldnt advise that, mate.
Whatever youre involved in, I would stop at
the earliest opportunity. I mean, if charges
are brought against you, you can say you were
under duress. But we used that defence in a
case last year and it didnt work. It depends on
your circumstances. Youre still looking at prison.
Right. Thanks. Thing is, the police have
obtained some laptop evidence that
potentially links me to this blokes outt,
but they havent made the connection yet.
Is there any way I can get this evidence
back before they realise?
[PAUSE] Im not with you
I was thinking of destroying the evidence.
Im from a very scientic background, which
is why Im so good at making meth, so if
theres just some way I
[INTERRUPTS] Woah, woah. Look, I think it
sounds like you need to hold up a bit here. I mean,
it sounds here like youre trying to have the best
of every world. Im telling you that if youre trying
to deceive and scheme, we cant advise you on
that. Its a very dangerous area youre in.
But what if I AM THE DANGER?
Pardon me? [PAUSE] Right, OK. I dont think were
in the same area here, mate. Thanks for your call.

Entertain your brain

March

05

Spoiler: KFC doesnt

get a look in

Cyber cinema

Pick a movie robot to root for

06
Food guide

Ex-Machina

Chappie

Director Alex 28 Days

Later Garlands phwoarisnt-she-t? robot ghts
for life against genius
Oscar Isaac and his baldhead-and-beard combo.

Director Neill District 9

Blomkamps aww-isnthe-cute? robot ghts for
life against evil soldier
Hugh Jackman and his
even more evil mullet.

In cinemas now

In cinemas 6 March

Eat like a man again

Listen, its great that you stuck to your month of eating
nothing but celery stick smoothies to drop your festive gut.
Really, well done. But are your mates bored shitless of you
counting calories and ordering lime and sodas at the bar?
(Answer: hell yes, they are). Celebrate eating solids again by
heading to one of the worlds nest eateries featured inside
this brilliant book, picked by the best chefs on the planet.

07
New face

Listen to some
spoken word
Poetry is cool. Its ofcial. Ask
Radio 1 tastemakers Zane Lowe,
Annie Mac and Huw Stephens. Then
speak to rap gods Nas and Common.
Even Hollywoods slickest Brit, Idris
Elba, agrees. And its all thanks, in
part, to 24-year-old George The Poet.
With mainstream radio big-ups,
coming fth in the BBCs Sound
Of 2015, support slots with hip-hop
royalty and a collab with Big Driis
himself, going to see spoken word
no longer means youre in a teeny
tent at Glastonbury surrounded by
sandal wearers. In fact, Georges
cutting street poetry (he tours the
UK this month) has blown the lid
off gotta-hear spoken word artists
whove been bubbling under. Check
out Dizraeli And The Small Gods,
Scroobius Pip and FHM s favourite,
Listener, too, then make a playlist
you never thought would ever ll up
your Spotify.

028

MARCH 2015

08
Girl crush

Sheet the bed

Recently, on one
of FHM s many trips
down an internet
wormhole, we found
a 77-second pilot for
a new American web
series that grabbed
us by the eyeballs.
Its called Zombie
Basement and it sees
two college mates
wait out the undead
apocalypse by making
a genuinely funny
video blog and playing
air hockey in some
Waynes World-meets28 Days Later-style
brain stew. Problem is,
theres damn near no
information on it. But,
it does feature this
girl. This really, really
stunning girl that we
needed to bring to
your attention.
So we did. We called.
We emailed. We prayed.
And eventually, Mikaela
Hoover, the 5ft 1in
LA-living, horror-loving
hotty, answered our
calls: I get mistaken
for Penlope Cruz all
the time, she tells us.
Theres this homeless
guy in Beverly Hills
whos always outside
the place I get my
eyebrows done. Every
time I walk past hell
scream Penlope
Cruz! and people
turn around and take
photos. Every time.

029

PHOTOGRAPHY: DEVIN DYGERT

Search
high and
low for
Mikaela
Hoover

Entertain your brain

Month
March

09

Rad dad

Q &A

Cure a hangover
with Carl Bart
Girls, drugs, tequila: with all these vices literally on Carl Barts
doorstep while making music with his latest band, The Jackals, its
a surprise that The Libertines man got any work done at all
Carl, it sounds like there were quite a few distractions while
recording this new stuff
ha, denitely. Van Nuys in Los angeles is essentially where music
and porn get made. Opposite where we recorded there was this
clinic where porn stars would get checked out. They were tiredlooking and wearing tracksuit bottoms so it wasnt glamorous at
all. actually, one of them did tell me that there was a porn-star
karaoke a mile down the road that they all did, but, er, I didnt really
fancy it. another place, a few doors down, sold medical marijuana
water. It was bottled water that got you high. and also, to get out
of the studio, I had to clamber past a ceiling-high stack of Sparkle
Donkey tequila. We had a few nights on the Sparkle Donkey, sure.
Rock music, booze, weed, girls were guessing if all this
was at the hands of The Libertines 10 years ago, it wouldnt
have been a quite as sober experience?
I guess Ive grown up a little bit. With The Libertines, it was more
about what I was doing when I wasnt recording. Id come to the studio
and they might have said they didnt need me for 12 hours. On this
album, Ive had to be so hands-on that I had to be there for everything.
Even so, we bet youve still got a great hangover cure
Oh man, its the elixir of life: rehydration salts and Berocca washed
down with zzy water, and a massive fry-up with loads of hot sauce.
Doesnt always fucking work though, mind.

030

March 2015

Your song Victory Gin on this album [Let It Reign] must be

a nod to Orwells 1984, right?
Yep, you got it. I read it years ago just the once, but its stuck with
me. In terms of the prophecies in the book, it all seems to becoming
truer and truer in day-to-day life. communication and surveillance
all seem to roll into popular culture. Victory Gin is all about esh
and blood in a world of wires and post-apocalyptic dystopia.
What other books have had a major impact on you?
One of my favourite books ever is called The Magus by John Fowles.
I always tell people to read it. It grabs you by the spine and takes you
on an enormously unexpected journey. Its epic.
You became a dad again at the end of 2014. Do rock stars
make good dads?
Kids are pretty sobering, Ill give you that. But on the ip side, they
make you appreciate and relive everything again. You start to see
the world through their eyes. Yknow, if you can make time for your
kids, then youll always be alright.
Whats the weirdest souvenir youve brought back from
a tour abroad?
hmm, Ive got some fencing swords that came from Glasgow.
Theyre rusty, but anytime anyone has a drink they come out and
people start knocking shit off my walls. and every time we went to
Germany wed buy all that illegal shit, the tasers and pepper spray
and that malarkey. It would be fun for ve minutes and then get
boring. Pretty handy for my crime-ghting alter ego, though.
Carl Bart and The Jackals album Let It reign is out on 16 February

10

12

Scrum down

Awards night

Get a full house at the Brits

Manage the madness of British musics annual gong show by ticking off any of the
following singer-related sights, clichd quotes or predictably odd occurrences

BRITS BINGO
PHARRELL WEARS
SOMETHING
MASSIVE
ZAYN MALIK RESEMBLES
A RESURRECTED
MICHAEL JACKSON

CELEB WIELDING
SELFIE STICK

PALOMA FAITH
LOOKS BONKERS

THINGY OFF THE X FACTOR

NATIONAL TREASURE
USED INAPPROPRIATELY

MILEY MOLESTS
AN ALSATIAN

RUSSELL BRAND
POLITICAL
RANT

LILY ALLEN SPEAKS

IN ANOTHER
NEW ACCENT

AWKWARD SILENCE
5 SOS GET IDD

SAM SMITH
LOOKS FORLORN

RONSONS
SHEERAN/SWIFT MARK
WITH
HEAVY PETTING COLLABS
HIMSELF
JASON DERULO SAYS
JASON DERULO

REFERENCE TO CARA DELEVINGNES

TONGUE
BIG-NAME SPONSOR
HARRY STYLES FLIRTS
WITH EVERYONE

OLLY MURS IN A
ROLL NECK

ED SHEERAN COLLECTS
AWARD JOYLESSLY

LANA DEL REY

POUTS

SUNGLASSES IN FEBRUARY

HARRY STYLES
MISTAKEN FOR
PROG-ROCK GYPSY
DAVE GROHL
THROWS
DEVIL
HORNS

11
Shoot em up

Kick butt
in 2d again
Forget graphics so perfect you
think youve accidently icked on
Netix. Right now, we cant wait to
get our thumbs into an old-skool,
top-down, two-dimensional neon
splatterfest. Hotline Miami 2: Wrong
Number is the ber-violent nale to
this gory pixelated franchise. Its retro
killing sprees and mid-90s look takes
us back to the days when we booted
up our older brothers Windows 95
to sneak a go on the very rst GTA.

Bluff your
way through
the rugby
The Six Nations is back,
meaning blokes the size
of fridges will soon lob an
ostrich egg about while
trying to knock each others
teeth out. Not up to spec?
Heres a cheat sheet from
England winger-turned-BBC
pundit, Jeremy Guscott
A crazy Frenchman will
outscore everyone
Theres a French
winger whos been
scoring some crackers in
the domestic league over
in France. Great name,
too: Teddy Thomas. Hes
also a bit of a maverick
and got banned from one
match for not turning up
to training on time.
Watch out for
pitch invasions
Back in the day, we
used to get cockerels
coming on to the
pitch in Paris. The
security must be a bit
tougher these days
but, if you do see one,
dont be alarmed.
The French will get feisty
France has a reputation for
being a bit ery and punchy.
Quite temperamental, very
emotional, and if things dont
go their way, sometimes they
express it as they shouldnt.
Placing a bet?
Ireland are odds-on
Ireland are the current
champions, had a very good
autumn series by winning all
their games and, with coach
Joe Schmidt,
theyre singing.
Six Nations xtures
start on 6 February
on BBC

031

Essays for men

By CHRIS RYAN

IS TORTURE EVER
JUSTIFIED IN WAR?

American and British politicians have spent the last 15 years defending
enhanced interrogation techniques in the War Against Terror. Yet where
there was once certainty, doubt has started to creep in. SAS legend Chris
Ryan gives us his take on whether torture is ever warranted
Imagine this. Youre naked and in a freezing
cold room. You havent been allowed to sleep
for more than 24 hours: a form of torture that
plays with your mind in ways that you would not
believe. Youre forced to remain in stress positions for
hours at a time cross-legged on the oor with your
hands on your head, or standing at an angle against a

032

MARCH 2015

wall with your arms stretched out against it. And its
excruciatingly painful. You want to move your body but
you know that if you do, youll be put back into the
stress position, and you wont have the strength to
ght it. Youre subjected to persistent white noise that
makes you hallucinate. Youre presented with a
confusing round of interrogators: one is very

So what does tactical questioning achieve?

From World War II, through to Vietnam and the
Gulf and Afghan conicts, it has been used on
enemy targets. And by far the most common
outcome is that your target gives you the
information that they think you want to hear.
And in a conict situation, information like
that is next to useless.
Sometimes, the target will withstand
whatever techniques you throw at them. And
you can never tell how strong a target is going
to be. Take Violette Szabo. She was a World
War II Special Operations Executive spy.
Working undercover for the Allies in occupied
France, her exploits are regarded as some of
the bravest of that war. When she was nally
captured by the Germans, she endured
unbelievable pain and indignities, including hard
labour, alleged sexual assault and all the
beatings that the Gestapo could throw at her.
She never broke and remained silent for
months, until her life was ended by a German
bullet in the back of the head.
On the other hand, sometimes the target
sings like a canary. One member of the SAS
earned himself the nickname The Bird Man of
Baghdad. Other members of his captured patrol
kept to their cover stories despite being beaten
for hours on end. The Bird Man spilled his guts
the moment he was asked a question. The
result was that the rest of his patrol was dealt
with far more harshly for lying to their captors.
When a female spy endures punishment
better than a hardened SAS soldier, it tells us
this: the success of tactical questioning is
almost entirely down to the mental strength of
the person being questioned [Fig. 2]. This is
something you can never predict. And it just
makes it clearer that tactical questioning is
a wildly unreliable technique.
There are other reasons to be deeply
suspicious of the use of tactical questioning. In
recent years, Western governments have given
their tacit approval to intelligence agencies to
use these techniques. Now we live in a world
of black camps and rendition. The CIA has paid
millions of dollars to private organisations to
carry out their dirty work for them [Fig. 3]. The
net result has been that innocent people have
been picked up by rendition and subjected to
disgraceful abuse. Perhaps this policy has led
to the uncovering of some useful intelligence.
But there seems little doubt that it has also
pushed people towards further extremism.
Id be the last person to condone a terrorist
action, but I do know this: we make a mistake if
we dont try to understand a terrorists reasons
for acting as they do, and we make an even
bigger mistake when we add to those reasons
on such a massive scale.
Chris Ryans novel, Hunter-Killer, published
by Hodder & Stoughton and is out now

Fig. 1
Its no coincidence that 24s Jack
Bauer frequently found himself in
situations like this. The
programmes creator, Joel Surnow,
is a self-confessed right-wing nut
job who believed in the use of
torture to prevent terrorism.

Fig. 2
The writer Christopher
Hitchens, who originally
supported the use of
waterboarding to extract
information from terror suspects,
lasted only 11 seconds when
subjected to the procedure himself.
Believe me, he said, its torture.

Fig. 3
In 2014, it transpired the CIA
had paid two experts, James
Mitchell and Bruce Jessen, 52m
to devise advanced interrogation
techniques. The pair turned out to
be conmen with no experience in
counter-terrorism or psychology.

033

photography: getty images, istock photo, alamy, shutterstock

aggressive, one is nice to you, another is very

boring while yet another will ask you the same
question over and over again. If youre male, a
woman is brought in from time to time purely
to laugh at your shrunken genitals and
hurl abuse at you.
Put yourself up for SAS selection and you
wont have to imagine all of this. Its exactly
what happens during the regiments Resistance
to Interrogation programme.
I did my rst Resistance to Interrogation
training at the age of 18, and had done it many
times before I went up for SAS selection. So
when it came to it, I managed to withstand this
exercise for the maximum time allowed 36
hours. It might seem strange that anyone would
crumble knowing that this was just a training
exercise, but believe me: plenty of guys caved
in long before those 36 hours were up. Its a
brutal way to treat a human. Even when its not
real, it becomes very real indeed.
A little voice inside your head starts telling
you that youd do anything and say anything
in order to make it stop.
And thats the problem with torture.
What most people call torture, I prefer to
divide into two separate techniques: eld
interrogation and tactical questioning.
Field interrogation generally occurs when
your backs against the wall. Youre in a theatre
of war. Youve caught someone that you know
has planted a bomb. There are 20 minutes
before it blows, causing catastrophic loss of life
[Fig. 1]. Its a real-time situation and you have
no option but to use whatever tools are at your
disposal to avert the disaster. In an environment
like that, the techniques that people consider to
be torture can work. These techniques are
severe and unpleasant, but most SAS soldiers
I know would be prepared to utilise them if it
was absolutely necessary.
Tactical questioning the sustained,
long-term coercion of a prisoner is a different
matter. It can be sadistic and terrifying. The
SAS are not specically taught how to perform
it, but put it this way: having undergone such
treatment, you know something about how to
dish it out. You also learn to be very wary of it.
In Northern Ireland, such questioning was the
domain of a specialist unit that came from all
branches of the armed services. It was made up
of men and women who were very good at their
job. But it turned out that the methods didnt
work very well, and they were subsequently
banned. (In Northern Ireland, by far the best
means of gaining intelligence was to turn a
target into a tout by offering them money, before
threatening to expose them to the IRAs nutting
squads. Suddenly, they became very talkative
and keen to supply high-grade intelligence.)
This taught me two things. Firstly, different
techniques are required for different theatres
of war. Secondly, while its undeniably true that
sometimes tactical questioning works, most
of the time it really doesnt.

Essential tub-time
reading

Cool materials

MAN UP YOUR
BATH TIME
The must-have items that prove
a good soak isnt just for softies

[03]

[05]
[01]

[04]

[02]

[03]

[07]

[08]

[11]

034

march 2015

[12]

[13]

[14]

02 COOL DOWN
Big sesh down the gym? Calm your
bulging guns with a relaxing soak
in thermal salts and silverbirch.
Bracing Silverbirch Thermal Muscle
Soak, 19, moltonbrown.co.uk
03 DIM THE LIGHTS
Scented candles rule. Just ask
The Dude, who soaked like a
boss in a low-lit bathtub in The
Big Lebowski (until getting rudely
interrupted by a waterborn ferret).
Malin + Goetz Dark Rum
and Tobacco candles, 52,
malinandgoetz.eu;
Diptyque Th scented candle,
40, selfridges.com

[06]

04 LATHER UP
After slapping this peppery scent
on our stinking bods like a decadent
drunken duke, the steep price tag
made total sense. Its a luxury were
not sharing with anybody.
Acqua Di Parma, 40,
selfridges.com

[09]

[10]

[15]

05 TURN A PAGE
Youll have plenty of time to ick
through this illustrated comic, giving
you the gist of one of the manliest
ocean-going novels ever, before the
water freezes your precious bits.
20,000 Leagues Under The Sea,
3.99, amazon.co.uk
06 PLAY PREHISTORIC
Whod win a sudsy ght between
your girlfriends grinning yellow
rubber duck, or your bloody
terrifying, esh-tearing T rex
and his nasty pals? Only one
way to nd out
Schleich Dinosaurs, prices vary,
johnlewis.com
07 RAISE YOUR GLASS
An ultra-small batch, made with
traditional infusion methods and
with a stack of awards to its name,
this bathtub GnT will sit very nicely,
thank you.
Bathtub Gin, 34.99, rebox.com

08 TREAT YOUR FEET

We are never, ever, EVER taking
these off. Ever.
UGG Scuff House Tan Slippers,
80, schuh.co.uk
09 DO THE DO
If youve never done a shampoo
Mohawk, youve never lived, friend.
Take pro styling tips from little brat
Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
Kent Handmade Comb, 6.10,
johnlewis.com
10 SCRATCH A BACK
Buddy, this bath is a girl-free zone,
so dont be relying on her to help
you reach those hard-to-get bits.
Hydrea Long Handled Body Brush,
28, heals.co.uk
11 HIT PLAY
Recreate the tense bath scene in
1987s cult vampire classic The Lost
Boys by blasting swing ditty Aint
Got No Home by Clarence Henry,
and bring manly danger to your tub.
Skullcandy Air Raid speakers,
129.98, uk.skullcandy.com
12 BREATHE FIRE
Join the likes of Clint Eastwood in
A Fistful Of Dollars, Burt Reynolds
in Sam Whiskey, Charlton Heston in
Will Penny and Al Pacino in Scarface
and light up a tub-time stogie.
Cigars, prices vary, sauttercigars.com
13 SHAVE IT OFF
The beard is dead! Youll need the
Arnold Schwarzenegger of shavers
to get through your chin bush.
Heres your antidote.
Braun WaterFlex, 159.99,
boots.com
14 GET SCRUBBING
Guy skin is very different to girl skin.
Dude esh is oilier, meaning its
prone to bigger pores and shininess.
Bulldogs range is aimed specically
to deal with it.
Bulldog Original Face Scrub, 5.79,
meetthebulldog.com
15 KEEP YOUR MODESTY
Usually, theres one of two ways
you can go with a bath robe: garish
and overbearing, or classic and a bit,
well, dull. But this one, looking like a
baseball tee, was our pick of the lot.
ASOS Dressing Gown with contrast
sleeves, 22, asos.com

035

PHOTOGRAPHY: DAN MATTHEWS

01 DRY OFF
Regular readers of FHM will know
we love a Pendleton blanket for the
living room. Now we can bring the
Native American vibes to our
bathrooms, too.
Pendleton Coyoacan towel, 60,
urbanouttters.com

Tell FHM

WHATS THE BEST

Is your greatest pal better at giving words of wisdom

Charlotte, 20,
Northampton, student

Christina, 23, London,

in retail

Iman, 22, Paris,

student

Jack, 23, London,

creative at BBC

To do a Flatliner. Its a shot with

sambuca, tequila and Tabasco sauce.
My eyes were streaming.

To trust my own advice. An ex told me

to reject a job because it was too far
away. I ignored him Im happy I did.

Never cut my hair. I cut it short once.

The hairdresser said I looked beautiful,
but I could tell she was mortied.

Just go for it. Except for when my

sister told me to dye my hair bright
blond. I looked just like Draco Malfoy.

Jake, 23, London,

student

Clarissa 22, New Jersey,

student

Charlotte, 24, London,

student

Clara, 21, Gibraltar,

fashion student

Never trust a man in a wheelchair

with muddy shoes. Ive always got my
eye out, looking at shoes.

Always smile. I have Resting Bitch

Face, so I force myself to put on a grin.
Its probably more scary than anything.

Get a credit card for travelling. I didnt,

and I regret it. I want to be in Thailand,
running from loan companies in sun.

Never judge a book by its cover. I once

dated a scholar-type guy. He turned
out to be a complete psycho.

Eliza, 24, Australia

travel agent

Rebecca, 21, London,

ITV apprenticeship

Olivia, 25, London,

works in fashion

Holly, 23, Northern

Ireland, student

Judge people by their actions, not

words. Mostly in relation to guys. If a
man smokes, theyve got no chance.

To go for every job, regardless of

whether or not you think youll get it.
I beat thousands of people for mine.

To tell someone how I really felt. I

asked if Id ever be his girlfriend and
he said, I dont think so. It saved time.

Go on a bad date. At the end, I rode

away on a bike and he chased me. It
convinced me I liked another guy.

036

MARCH 2015

ADVICE A MATEs gIVEn you?

than these shoppers in London? In some cases, almost denitely

Martha, 19, Cambridge,

student

Molly, 22, New

Jersey, bartender

James, 23, Hastings,

video editor

Lizzie, 22,
London, student

The worst was to make a meal

entirely out of brussels sprouts. Soup.
Sprouts on toast. Sprout guacamole.
Its the stupidest thing Ive ever done.

Not best, but someone told me to try

sauerkraut in a hotdog. It was awful. Ive
since developed hatred for sausages.

My girlfriend told me to apply for a

shady job advertisement. It turned out
to be at Babestation.

My friends convinced me to go to a
spa resort in Greece. It didnt seem too
great when the bill came, though.

Peju, 24, London,

ofce worker

Justin, 40,
Bristol, unspecied

Laura, 21, Yorkshire,

student

Lindsey, 20,
Northampton, student

Never listen to friends. They said to try

Frankie & Bennys on a date. Id be
married if it wasnt for soggy lasagna.

To try Lilt. It really does taste totally

tropical. I dont need to go on holiday
ever again.

Never go back to someone after

theyve cheated on you. They will
never change.

If you dont like clothes the minute you

try them on, dont buy them. You dont
want them to just sit in your wardrobe.

Ryan, 34, London,

photographer

Mary, 22, Northern

Ireland, student

Oliver, 27, Leeds,

car salesman

Kirsten, 22, New York,

waitress

A friend said I would enjoy running an

Ironman Triathlon. She roped me into
it, and Ive never looked back.

To repeat my A-Levels and pursue

medicine. I wanted to party with my
mates, but Im glad I did. I love it.

Never go back to an old job or ex. Ive

done both of those things before, and
trust me: it doesnt end well.

I was told by a friend to get over

someone by getting under someone
else. It made things worse.

037

words: nick pope. photography: sam clifford harding

FHM supports
Macmillans advice
website, The
Source

New style

CAN I ROCK A
ROLL NECK?

A roll neck is a damn hard thing to pull off.

Put one on, and youre throwing down a style
adopted by elite novel-wrangling literary types,
off-duty rocknrollers, smooth-as-shit jazz legends,
and a very exclusive club of men that could walk
down the street wearing bread rolls on their feet
and still get heralded as trend-setters.
Case in point: adventuring author Ernest
Hemingway, the wordsmith behind must-reads such
as The Old Man And The Sea. Or Steve McQueen in
1968s Bullitt, portraying the coolest cop in cinematic

ROLLY
HEROES

The guys who nailed it

038

MARCH 2015

history. See also tech genius Steve Jobs, rockstar

Mick Jagger and screen royalty Michael Caine.
But can the everyday man condently wear one
on the terraces or for a swift afternoon pint? Its
a debate thats tearing the FHM ofce in two. The
yaysayers argue that it genuinely makes them feel
more intellectual and productive while the No camp
uses phrases like try-hard and ruined by terrible
X Factor contestants. Short of settling it with a
bare-knuckle ght, its an argument that doesnt
look like itll go away any time soon.

PHOTOGRAPHY: MARCO VITTUR. CENTRE MODEL WEARS A JUMPER, 45.99, ZARA.COM. MODEL: DOMENICO AT MOT

The debate for and

against this 60s wardrobe
essential rages on...

040

MARCH 2015

Believe me, its the most brilliant

movie. These sharks come out of
the ocean and invade Earth loads
of great whites working their way
through the streets, attacking people. Its
bad, but in a really fantastic way.
Heston Blumenthal is answering the rst
and most-obvious question you ask anyone
whos just own halfway round the planet.
Were not sure what we were expecting
when we asked how he passed the time on
his ight to Australia: maybe hed been busy
preparing one of the 600 recipes he says he
has on the go at any one time, or catching
up on some of the sleep hes been deprived
of for the past 20 years while running the
ve award-winning restaurants that earned
him six Michelin stars. Apparently, when
BAFTA-nominated, Queen-feeding,
book-writing, rule-breaking chefs are at
36,000ft, they settle down to watch B-movie
disaster fare such as Sharknado.
Obviously, we shouldve known to expect
the unexpected from Heston. The man who
serves snail porridge, bacon-and-egg ice
cream and dildo jelly to high-paying diners
is sat across from FHM in postcard-perfect
Voyager Estate vineyard, a few hours from
Perth, Western Australia. Its hot. Its taken
20 hours to get here. Among elegant ladies
in summer dresses and sharp-looking
gents in suits and cologne, Hestons
day-old stubble and those glasses (now as
iconic as Jamies Essex swag or Gordons
colourful bollockings) have him standing out
from the crowd. And that were now talking
about tornadoes lled with killer sharks as
enthusiastically as boys in a playground just
makes it all the more, well, bizarre.
This teenage excitement over shark lms
isnt the only boyish quality that becomes
apparent as we talk. He has a shyness that
creeps through every now and again, the
impeccable manners that a well-trained
grandson has around his nan, and, of
course, a non-stop obsession with playing
with his food. Heston Blumenthal OBE
is a 48-year-old multi-millionaire chef,
restaurateur, TV personality and
businessman with the mind of a 16 year
old. A bloody bright 16 year old, for sure,
but a 16 year old with one enormous,
international, slightly peculiar empire to run.

Hes done super-sized food,

zzing food, glowing food and
dildo food. But whats up the
sleeve of everyones favourite
culinary nutty professor?
Words: Chris Sayer, James Steen
Photography: Adam Lawrence/Chilli Media

For starters

We were not a foodie family at all, but

my mum was a pretty good cook, Heston
recounts. Shed make chicken soup,
tomatoes on toast for breakfast which
was a real favourite of mine and on
Sunday wed buy a chicken in a bag from
the supermarket and stuff it into a French
baguette. We lived in this basement at in
London where, if I jumped up and down at
the edge of the kitchen, Id set the pressure
041

says. If Id grown up with caviar and

lobster, that dining experience would
not have had the impact it did on me.
Just how big of an impact was it?
Massive. Within months, teenage Heston
had surrounded himself with a mini library
of French cookbooks, learning French along
the way so he could translate them into
English, ultimately self-teaching himself
the techniques and skills of classic French
cuisine. One book in particular would be
this wannabe cooks trigger to tear up the
rules of the classic kitchen and dare to do
things a little differently.
My approach to cooking is this: question
everything. This one book, Harold McGees
On Food And Cooking: The Science And
Lore Of The Kitchen, was more than an
inspiration. It was a realisation that the
doubts and questions that I had been asking
myself were justied. It kind of conrmed
why I was questioning, he says.

BOILING OVER

DILDO-POWERED JELLY: cooker off and Mum

JUST A STANDARD DAY would get really
IN THE KITCHEN
hacked off at me.
For the godfather
of molecular gastronomy, these are
impressively normal and humble beginnings.
Even more impressive is that the chef whos
made an international name for himself as
the Dr Frankenstein of cooking bringing
test tubes, Bunsen burners and nitrogen
baths into his laboratory-cum-kitchen never
even passed his chemistry O Level. Even
more impressive is that a look over Heston
Blumenthals CV, before opening his
world-famous restaurant The Fat Duck in
Berkshire in 1995, shows little more than
a stint as a photocopier salesman and a
period as a debt collector. Admittedly, there
is also the work experience under legendary
French chef Raymond Blanc in which he
lasted just a week before packing it in.
Yet, 30 years later, hes in Australia
preparing to open a sixth restaurant in
042

MARCH 2015

Melbourne one thats had a quarter

of a million would-be customers ringing
for a reservation since it was announced.
Needless to say, when it opened this year,
a lot of Aussies went hungry.
Were expecting to hear about a big
life-changing eureka moment that turned
Heston on to food. And here it is, in the
shape of a pancake a crepe souf,
to be more accurate. At the age of 16,
on a family trip to France, the Blumenthals
splashed out on a holiday dinner that would
change everything for Heston.
We sat at a table under the trees, looking
on to olive groves in the valley. I love the noise
of gravel crunching underfoot, and I think it
mustve come from this day hearing the
waiters, in their dickie-bow ties and black
waistcoats, walking to the table. For dessert,
I had crepe souf two pancakes lled
with souf mix so it puffs up. Being in that
restaurant made me want to recreate that
feeling I had as a child for other people, he

If this is all sounding like a romantic ascent

to greatness, it wasnt. His twenties were
spent working through the day to fund his
cooking experimentation and exploration by
night, and to save enough to make the leap
into restauranteering. When the time came
to nally put his name above the door of the
450-year-old Berkshire pub that would
come to be the culinary jewel in his chefs
hat, The Fat Duck, within just 48 hours one
of his cookers exploded, causing him to
strap a bag of frozen peas to his damaged
head for the rest of the days service. By
no means was this the only, or biggest,
headache his restaurant would cause him.
Things were so bad, we had absolutely
no money, he says, removing his glasses
to give them a polish, a gesture he does
frequently, giving him the air of a slightly
sinister scientist. We had no way of
borrowing money. I remember sitting there
thinking, This is it, weve got nothing left.
To try to make ends meet, hed work
superhuman hours, 22 hours a day, 120
hours a week. How long did that madman
rota last? I did that for about eight or nine
years, he says. So exhausted and sleepdeprived was Heston that he recalls a time
when he tried lighting a blowtorch under a
hot tap instead of using a match, and others
where hed llet sh in his sleep. He doesnt
mean dreaming about lleting sh. He
means falling asleep, sh in one hand, knife
in the other, and carrying on, on autopilot.
It comes as no surprise that Heston has,
in the past, been asked if he has obsessivecompulsive disorder by psychiatrist pals
of his. Heres a man that spent four years
trying to create perfect savoury candyoss
until nally admitting defeat; will argue until
hes blue in the face that the perfect lemon

tart can only be achieved at a cooking

temperature of 72 degrees, and used
four years of his life testing potatoes in
the search for the perfect chip.
I was obsessed, he says. For years
I was measuring the starch levels in
different potatoes in different seasons,
even getting the perfect individual chip
and piercing the outer layer with a pin
to let the steam escape to regulate the
ufness of the potato. But the result
was fantastic. I created the Triple Cooked
Chip in 1993, and its now cooked in
restaurants throughout the world. It took
a long time, but it paid off. Mind you, not
everyone follows the recipe as they should.
Starved of sleep, balanced precariously
on a treacherous nancial tightrope, and
having a pinpoint obsession for perfection,
Heston at that time was not the easiest boss
to work for. He developed an anger that, he
openly admits, was threatening to spiral out
of control. How does a man, in one of the
worlds most stressful environments, with
more pressure on his shoulders than he
can deal with, learn to cope with it all, and
emerge the other end without a meltdown?
If I took total responsibility for everything
as a boss, then it would always be me to

work with him? Apparently, no. My most

cherished kitchen gadget is, well, Im a
caffeine nut, so having a super-smart
coffee machine that makes rich, smooth
cappuccinos and grinds the beans straight
into the lter, all at the punch of a button?
Honestly, thats one of lifes small pleasures.
Its hard to believe the man in front of us
could even raise his voice to a trafc warden
about to slap a ne on his windscreen, let
alone a fellow chef in the heat of the
kitchen. Its been more than a decade since
Heston last lost his shit while cooking. His
now cool, calm exterior (and more
importantly, interior) has forged him a niche
as the total antithesis of the stereotypically
wild-eyed and raging chef. Partnered with
the drama of his lunatic recipes, hes proven
a Channel 4 ratings hit, raking in viewers in
their millions with an appetite for sh-eye
cocktails, monster pork scratchings, curry
ice cream, 6.5-kilo sausages, pigs surgically
stitched to chickens and bull-bollock fruit.
On our ight back to the UK, we couldnt
help but run over Hestons response to
what, in hindsight, seemed the secondmost obvious question of our meeting
(after the one that ended in a discussion
about great-white-shark tornadoes, of
course). Hestons
journey from the
days of chronic
anger, no money
and lleting sh in
his sleep has been
epic and arduous.
But when we ask
what the turning
point was for the
success of The Fat Duck, perhaps the
most important moment in his life, the
answer sounds so nonchalant and
relaxed it shouldve been accompanied
by a brush-off-the-shoulder movement.
When Michelin came out, the cheques
started to come in. We talked to the bank
and scraped together the wage bill. Then
we were voted the Best Restaurant In
The World, and from that day the phones
went ballistic, he says. He pauses. But
remember, it took nine years to get there.
The evening we land, we call Hestons
Dinner restaurant in London (currently
the highest-ranking UK restaurant on The
Worlds Best Restaurant 2014 list), to see
if the phones are still going ballistic, and,
now were best mates with the boss, to
see if we could pop by tonight to sample
the 17 frogs-legs porridge on the menu,
or the 16th-century meat fruit. The next
availability? Nothing for at least three
months, the lady at the end of the line tells
us. Not even the wanky plea of but weve
been hanging with Heston in Australia!
would shift her. Looks like well have to
cook dildo jelly at home for a while yet.

I REMEMBER SITTING THERE

THINKING, THIS IS IT, WEVE
GOT NOTHING LEFT
blame. If something went wrong and
I ended up shouting at somebody, I had
either employed the wrong person, or I was
asking too much from them, or Id not
trained them properly. The moment that
I took responsibility for everything was
when my stress levels came right down.

COOKING ON GAS

Away from the Franken-kitchen, home

life couldnt be more different. Heston
lives in Barnes, south-west London, with
his American food-writer partner Suzanne
Pirret and grown-up children, Jack, Jessie
and Joy, all from a previous relationship.
His eldest, Jack, is set to follow in Hestons
footsteps, having taken a culinary arts
degree. In moments of laziness and to
satisfy his cravings, he indulges himself in
tubs of prawn cocktail from the supermarket
and likes skiing in Italy, where he can inhale
one of his favourite combos, pizza and wine.
We refuse to believe that the Blumenthal
home kitchen, on the other hand, is a
normal family room. Surely theres at least
a hint of weirdness hes brought back from

HESTON UP
YOUR HOME
COOKING
Want to cook like a Franken-chef but
dont have access to a freaky pantry?
Heres seven combos that denitely
shouldnt work, but totally do
French fries and
chocolate milkshake
American fast-food chain
Wendys claims that 47% of
families have plunged their
fry into a frosty, and with salt
and cocoa being a historically
delicious marriage, it just makes
sense, yknow?
Bananas and mayonnaise
Baseball coach for the
Washington Nationals, Matthew
LeCroy, chows down on this
Southern delicacy in sandwich
form before important ball
games. Its his lucky charm.
Scrambled eggs
and maple syrup
Sure, it sounds like a kitchen
accident, but Canadians swear
by it. Drizzle a bit in your egg mix
before cooking to see what the
fuss is about.
Sriracha sauce
and peanut butter
Peanuts and chilli totally makes
sense when youre tucking into
a takeaway noodle dish, so,
of course, a peanut-butter
sandwich with the greatest chilli
sauce on Earth should totally
work too? It bloody well does.
Popcorn and milk
Stick your sugary popcorn
into a bowl, cover with milk and
spoon into your face for a pretty
low-rent but tasty breakfast.
Strawberries and spaghetti
Listen, youre already throwing
fruit into your bolognese with
tomatoes, so why not some
strawberries? Make sure the
sauce is spicy and the sweet
strawbs will complement the
heat good and proper.
Pickle juice and whiskey
A massive hit in the dive bars
of the US, a shot of briny
pickle juice after a whiskey
(also known as a Pickleback)
instantly naturalises the burn of
the booze and, surprisingly, didnt
end in us doing a giant puke.

043

DJ BBQ presents

FHM man food

B LU E S - B E A T I N G

KILLER CORN DOGS

Kick winters butt with this deep-fried meat on a stick
DJ BBQ SAYS
Dudes, DJ BBQ is here for you. I know youre all freezing your
butts off. I know youd all rather put your penises into a vice
than get out of bed in the mornings. I know it feels like light
years until that next pay packet drops, and I know your New
Years diet is making you ill as shit. Listen: screw your u tablets.
The only medicine thatll help beat winters ass is my deep-fried,
winter butt-kicking corn dogs.
044

MARCH 2015

Why do these bad boys make me instantly happy? This is

true American fairground food. When is a kid happier than when
hes rolling around a fair with a belly full of food ready to throw up
on a ride? Never. A bag of cotton candy and these beauties had
me grinning like a frickin goon. Whats more, theres a mega-ton
of carbs in there, all deep fried and golden. Man, its total and
complete happiness on a stick. Hand it to your bro and watch his
grumpy ass thaw out.

THE RECIPE
Preparation time
20 mins

Ingredients
Yellow cornmeal
Plain our
3 tbs sugar
2 tsp baking powder
Sea salt
Ground pepper
4 large eggs, beaten
Whole milk
Vegetable oil
Loads of hot dogs
Frenchs yellow
mustard

01

Whisk up your cornmeal,

our, sugar, baking powder,
salt and pepper, then stir in
eggs and milk to make a batter.
You want a thick consistency
so it hugs that hot dog like a
blanket, says DJ BBQ.

02

Pat your dogs dry, and ram a

kebab stick into it lengthways.
Roll in our and then dip into
the batter. Wipe any excess
batter away using your ngers
to make sure you have an even
smooth coating.

SHOW US YOUR

MANFOOD!

Ranch dressing
and buffalo hot
sauce

03

Heat the oil in on the hob. Its

ready when you can ick a bit of
water in and it zzes, DJ BBQ
says. Cook them for 57 mins,

Peanut butter and

sesame oil

turning them every so often.

Take them out, cool them down,
get some dips and get ready
to punch winter in the nuts.

Barbecue sauce
and maple syrup

American mustard

045

PHOTOGRAPHY: JAMES BYRNE. FOOD STYLING: MARTA WOWJICK

#FHMManFood

Drink like a man

DARK BEERS FOR

DARKER NIGHTS
When the temperature
plummets low enough to put
ice on your pint, forget about
upping the heating. This
season, a bottle of sweet,
smoky porter is the anti-freeze
well be reaching for to thaw
us from the inside out.
For too long, many drinkers
dismissed it as too heavy
pitch black, oil-thick and
strong enough to burn
through our tonsils. But
now, with young craft
breweries creating
surprisingly light but heavyon-taste brews, they deserve
your attention. Like, really
deserve it. Heres the best
of the bunch, ready to toast
your belly good and proper

[03]

[02]

[01]

[04]

[05]

Port
Dating w er in 36 word
in Londo ay back to the s
n,
17
numbers porters are pok 00s
e
tr
a
d
it
io
three dif
nally ble y little
fe
new and rent types of nding
ale:
we
hit of ch ak. Expect a b old,
ig old
ocolate
and c
with eve
ry mouth offee
ful.

PICK OF THE
PORTERS
Beer pro Sarah Warman
runs through the very
best bottles to reach for

046

01 Beavertown
Smog Rocket
Perfect if youre
keen on a bit of smoke
in your brews but you
dont want anything
too intense.

MARCH 2015

02 Kernel Export
India Porter
An intense option,
mega coffee with
loads of really lovely
sweet caramel and
dark fruity notes.

03 Anspach &
Hobday Stout Porter
At 8.5%, this is a big,
bold, badder bottle. Its
divine, with plenty of
dark chocolate and
coffee in there.

04 Brew By Numbers
03|02 Porter Liberty
A medium-bodied
porter rocking a bright
hoppiness on the nose
and just enough oomph
to not overpower.

05 Anchor Porter
Remember Riesen
chocolates? Same
taste. Chocolate
and coffee make
it the ultimate
American porter.

PHOTOGRAPHY: CONNOR SHEEHAN. ALL BEERS FROM BREWDOGS BOTTLEDOG

Get the better of cabin

fever with an array of
belly-hugging porters

Its time to show the gym whos boss.

Walk in. Tear it up. Walk away.

#BOSSIT then prove it @SCIMX

This months challenger...

RON JEREMY

Will this legendary porno trailblazer

pass the planets manliest test?

Bloke
02 Who did you last put
your middle nger up to?
Myself. I did a parody of
the Miley Cyrus Wrecking
Ball video and I ended up
looking like a fatso with
an umbilical hernia. So
I gave a big, slamming
middle nger right into
the bathroom mirror.

Bloke
03 Have you ever twerked?
Yes, with a girl I was
dating. I did some good
dancing for the music
video by LMFAO, Sexy
And I Know It, too. Its
sexy when a girl does
that, but when a guy
does it not so much.

Not bloke
04 Whats in your pockets
right now?
A gun, a hatchet no,
Im kidding. I have money,
a harmonica that I have
wherever I go, a condom
in case I get lucky, a tissue
and a cellphone.

Bloke
05 Whats the last lm
that scared you?
The Exorcist, but that
was a while back. Films
048

MARCH 2015

are scarier when you dont

really see the monster but
you see what theyve done.

Bloke
06 Have you red a gun?
Yes, with Charlie Sheen.
No joke he has a ring
range in his home. That
was back before Charlie
became a famous actor.
I did pretty good!

Bloke
07 Have you ever cupped
then smelt your own fart?
Never. The whole idea of
farting in a room full of
people is that nobody
takes credit. If youre with
three or more, youre safe.
With two people? No way.

Not bloke
08 What sort of manly
nicknames have you had
in your life?
Ron Jeremy, Hedgehog,
Flaming Arrow, Manatee.
Mainly its Hedgehog or
Manatee. Someone told me
that I should le for tax
exemption because its an
endangered species.

Bloke
09 Have you ever killed
and eaten an animal?
I was on a TV show in
the UK called The Farm
on Channel 5, but I was
a vegetarian while I was
there. I cant play with
an animal, let him lick
me on the face and then
eat him after that.

Not bloke

10 Have you ever pooed

in hole that youve dug?
At Scouts camp I did.
I had to wipe my keister
with clean leaves.

I have my own brand of

rum. Youve got to try my
cocktail, Dark and Horny,
which is ginger beer, my
rum and a bit of lemon.

Bloke

Not bloke

11 Have you ever rescued

an animal?
Many. Im a spokesman
for PETA. I have a rescue
tortoise called Cherie
who Ive had for 14 years.
Shes about 40 years old
now and shes got a life
expectancy of 160.

15 Have you ever put

your penis through your
legs and pretended to
be a girl?
Yes I do it with the
schmeckle and one ball,
which ends up making
a line right in the middle.

Bloke
12 Have you ever shaved
part of your body other
than your face?
Yeah. I started doing it
and then all the other
guys copied me. Anyone
whos paying attention
to this article: you will
absolutely look bigger if
you shave back the pubes.

Bloke

11/15
Not bad, Ron. Your knack
for pubic manscaping has
put you high up on the
Bloke Test leader board.

Check out Rons rum,

Ron de Jeremy, at
rondejeremy.com

Bloke
13 Whos the last girl
you spoke to?
The girl who handed me
this phone. Shes very
pretty by the way, and
now shes blushing. A
way to a mans heart is
through his stomach and
the way to a girls heart is
through some nice music.

Bloke
14 Have you shotgunned
a can of beer?
No, I dont drink beer
and Im not big drinker,
which is funny because

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even the
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fresh 24/7.

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WORDS: BEN SCOTT

01 Whats the biggest

thing youve set on re?
A bonre. You know, one
that keeps you warm on
the beach and you cook on
it. It was the height of me.
I couldnt get too close or
Id have been inhaling re.

OMNI MX HARDCORE
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#BOSSIT then prove it @SCIMX

MATES
FOR LIFE

Mark and John on

top of Snowdon

When youre facing a difcult

challenge, a supportive mate
can really help to get you
through. Whether they offer advice,
make you laugh or just sit and
listen, a buddy can give you the
strength to battle on. We speak to
two sets of pals who faced serious
problems but succeeded together.

THE SOUL MATES

Runner Mark Hines suffered from

dysentery, muscular injuries and
lacerated feet when he took on the
135-mile Jungle Marathon in Brazil.
But with the support (and singing)
of his running buddy John Quinn
he successfully conquered the most
daunting challenge of his life

How did you end up running

through the jungle together?
Mark: As a big running fan, I
was desperate to do the Jungle
Marathon. Its a 135-mile, multi-stage
race in the Amazon rainforest with
hot temperatures, high humidity and
difcult terrain. John and I decided
to do it together because wed heard
it was really tough and we thought
we could support each other.
John: We rst met in an airport
en route to Morocco for the Marathon
des Sables a running race in the
Sahara desert and soon became
good friends. When you spend a
week sweating in the same clothes
and sharing a tent with atulent
blokes, thats what happens. The
Jungle Marathon became our
next big project.

What difculties did you face

during the race?
Mark: It all started when I got
ill by drinking unsterilised water.
I later found out I had dysentery.
Running through thick jungle
and over open plantations meant
I overheated, too. I also had pain
in my back, my leg muscles ached,
my feet were badly swollen and
bruised, and my toes had blistered
under the nails. Every step hurt.
As a physiologist, I knew it would
be tough to nish. I was trudging

along and my morale was seriously

low until John caught me up.
What difference did it make when
you tackled the problems together?
John: When I saw Mark at a race
checkpoint he was lying down and
didnt look good. He told me that
he had not been able to eat and that
his feet and back were hurting. I got
us some hot drinks and rehydration
salts and we decided to carry on
together. I could see Mark was in
pain but he got some colour back
in his face.

Spot the
tarantula!
Leaping through the
Brazilian Jungle

Mark: John couldnt take my pain

away but he did a phenomenal job
of distracting me from it. As we ran
we sang songs like The Lion Sleeps
Tonight and Always Look On The
Bright Side Of Life and started
quoting lm and TV sketches. I
soon started to look at the positives.
I remember doing a river crossing
and, instead of annoying me, the
cool swim felt like heaven. Even
better was a moment when we lied
back on the sand and gazed up at
the stars. For a few minutes, I felt
okay again.
How did you stay positive when
things got tough?
John: I think the most important
thing was that we started laughing
at each others misfortunes rather
than let them get us down. I
remember telling him how to deal
with a number two situation in the
jungle with a clever toilet roll trick.
I also taped up his back and his
wounds which became an unusual
source of evening entertainment.
We found whatever sources of
amusement we could, like enjoying
a game of spot the tarantula, eating
Haribo sweets or doing impressions
of Star Wars characters. I think it
helped to distinguish between the
factors that we could control and
the ones that we couldnt.
How important was it to have
a good friend with you?
Mark: John really carried me
through the race by setting the
pace and lifting my spirits. I took
medication for the dysentery and
I had to have my nails burnt through
to drain the blisters beneath them.
But by having someone to follow
who was doing the thinking for me
in terms of directions and decisions

FHM MACMILLAN PROMOTION

Mark on one of
his many runs

I WAS LUCKY
TO HAVE A
GREAT FRIEND
ON HAND TO HELP
ME SUCCEED
I could just focus on what I
needed to do. The race would have
been a miserable experience without
John, but with him there it became
a triumph.
How did you feel after nishing
the race together?
John: When we got to the end of
the race we smiled so much our faces
were aching. But we were soon on
a bus back to civilisation and I was
peeling medical tape off Marks back
again. Some things dont change.
Mark: We have since taken on even
bigger challenges together like the
Yukon Arctic Ultra a 430-mile race
across Canada in minus 50 degree
temperatures. Looking back, that
day in the jungle was denitely the
lowest point Ive ever had in a race,
but I was lucky to have a great mate
there to help me succeed.

Marks
blistered feet

The pills James

had to take daily
during treatment

THE BIKING BUDDIES

When James Golding was diagnosed
with cancer for the second time, the
loyalty and confidence of his mate
Mark Sinclair gave him the strength
and motivation to fight the illness and
successfully tackle extraordinary bike
challenges around the world...

Best Man
Mark

When did you rst become mates?

James: I met Mark at the Etape
Caledonia bike race in 2010, between
my two cancer diagnosis in 2008
and 2011. The rst time, doctors
found an 11.5cm tumour between
my spine, kidney and bowel but I
made it through and started doing
bike challenges like Lands End to
John OGroats and a ride across the
US. Mark made sure I kept planning
rides through my second diagnosis.
He was a best man at my wedding
and is godfather to my son, Freddie.
Mark: When I met James, I thought
he had amazing strength of character.
I wanted to support him through
my role at Adidas and ended up
becoming best mates.
How did having a good friend
help you during your treatment?
James: I was lucky to have two great
friends Ross Turner who would
come and lie on the bed next to me

while we watched Ice Road Truckers

on TV, and Mark who gave me a
feeling of normality and ensured
thatI didnt change the path I
was on. I refused to let the cancer
affect my plans. When I was doing
radiotherapy and chemotherapy,
Mark was sending me all the sports
kit for my next bike challenge
and helping me plan. He said,
Nothing has changed.
Mark: I made sure James always
had goals. People say your state of
mind is part of the treatment so I
wanted James to carry on planning
his bike challenges. I also tried to
give him perspective. James wasnt
the most organised person so I
made sure he looked after the
nancial side of the situation, like
helping him nd sponsors for his
rides. I felt I could help him by
seeing the things he might miss
because he had so much on his mind.

What kind of support means the

most in those difcult times?
James: My wife Louise was pregnant
when I was diagnosed for the second
time. When I went into surgery
Mark drove up from London to stay
at my house and look after Louise.
Knowing that she was okay while
I was in hospital was huge for me.
Mark: James had been told he might
not be able to have children after
his rst diagnosis and I remember
getting a very poignant call from
him, whilst he was cycling across
America, when he told me Louise
was pregnant. It was very emotional
and I knew it meant the world to

PHOTOS: JOOLZ DYMOND

MY FRIENDS MADE
SURE I DIDNT
CHANGE THE PATH
I WAS ON
him. So when Louise needed looking
after, I was more than happy to help
him out while he was in hospital.
Macmillans The Source website
includes stories about how friends
deal with cancer. What tips would
you share from your experience?
James: Just being there is what
matters the most. So many friends
disappeared off the face of the Earth
when I was diagnosed. Marks been
there all the time. I could ring him
up when I was having a bad day or
send him a text message and he
was there to help.
Mark: Hearing advice from other
people with friends who had been

diagnosed with cancer would have

denitely helped. I had never
faced that situation. When James
told me about his diagnosis, I was
shocked and concerned. All I could
do was say, Wow, mate. But James
put me right. He told me it was
just a blip and he would recover.
So that became my task: to keep
up that tone. When he suffered
tough times I would make sure
he kept up that belief.
What is the best way to behave
around a friend who is ill?
James: Mark has never treated
me differently whether I was ill or
healthy. There is no difference in
the level of friendship I had then
to how he is now that Im well. If
anything, the illness brought us
closer together. When he had a
bike crash last year I was calling
the consultants and making sure
he got help. I wanted to be there
for him, too.
Mark: You really take the lead from
your friend. If they want to talk, be
there. If they want to plan things,
make sure they do.
What have you achieved together
since the second diagnosis?
James: We nished the London
to Paris bike ride together which
just proved how Mark was helping
me stick to my goals. I nished
chemotherapy and radiotherapy
in December 2011 and then we
did the Tour of Flanders in Belgium
the following April. He has also
supported me in my plans for beating
the seven-day cycling world record
and promoting the Ride for a Reason
campaign. People would laugh and
say we have the ultimate bromance.
But Mark really helped me continue
my path in life so I could achieve
everything I wanted to.

FHM MACMILLAN PROMOTION

The bromance

James and his

mum at the
Great North
swim just
days after
his second
diagnosis

WEVE GOT YOUR BACK

The team head past
the Arc de Triomphe

Almost 1,000 people every day nd out they have

cancer. It can be hard to know what to say when
a good friend is affected, but its in the difcult
times that mates really matter.
Top tips from The Source
1. Saying something is better than not saying
anything at all. Talk to your friend about what they
are going through and nd out how you can help.
2. Its okay to still have fun. Laughing and joking
can lift your mates spirits, even if theyre having
a tough time.
3. Keep things as normal as possible. Whether
you usually play cards together, talk about football
or watch movies, you can still carry on doing the
things you both enjoy.
Find more tips on how you
can help someone affected
by cancer at macmillan.org.
uk/source

2015
Cool. Its in-demand, hard to dene and sometimes a bit annoying.
But if someones got it, you know about it. FHM surveys the 2015
cultural landscape, calibrates its Cool-O-Meter (not a cool word in
itself) and works out who matters the most right now

ToTal
Geniuses
Multi-talented
individuals who rule
at everything they
turn their hand to.

054

rule
Breakers
Going against
the grain as a
way of life.

MARCH 2015

Bromance
candidaTes
Super nice guys
and girls wed love
to hang with.

skill Wizards
People who are
just really, really
good at their
chosen thing.

scene
seTTers
Trend-creating
pioneers who other
people want to
be around.

WeaThered
The sTorm
The guys and
girls who have
seen it all.

room
BriGhTeners
Individuals who
simply, effortlessly
exude sexy
credibility.

38

Aimee Fuller

36

Age: 23
What do: Pocket-sized
blonde-haired
snowboarder
extraordinaire
She looks like that cute
girl you got drunk with
on your holiday and hits
the slopes like nobody
youve ever got drunk
with ever. This Team GB
snowboarder should
probably be your best
friend. Or our best friend.
Either way, we want her
to teach us her moves.

No.

39
Age: 31
What do: Smart and English rose-y actress
Big doe-eyes and a degree from Oxford everyone
needs a BFF who can better their brain. Apparently
her favourite thing is Scrabble, but dont hold that
against her one of her other fave things is taking
the last train home when everybodys really drunk.

35

B TrAiTs

Everyone needs a girl

mate who knows the
coolest parties and the
best clubs. B Traits is
that girl mate. Canadian,
but living in the UK,
shes the type of person
whose mere presence
at an event signies
genuine credibility (the
polar opposite of Mark
Wright, say).

37

dAn sTevens

Age: 32
What do: Boardtreader turned asskicker

Getting snapped up the

moment she left school
by a major record label
and describing her
sound as steak and
kidney pop because it
lls you up means
Chle makes it onto our
list. Shes also a right
laugh in person,
something we at FHM
treasure above all else.

Actor Dan Stevens

went from the idyllic
British countryside while
lming Downton Abbey
to the rough streets of
New York, where hes
turned himself into a big
screen, A-list hard-man.
He was seen portraying
a former soldier in last
years thrilling war lm,
The Guest.

FeliCiTy Jones

33

Age: 28
What do: Kooky DJ
whose SoundCloud is
better than yours

Chle howl

Age: 19
What do: Ballsy,
pixie-cropped singersongwriter

ClArA PAgeT

Age: 26
What do: Angelic (but
cool) model/actress

JAmAl edwArds
mBe
34

Age: 24
What do: Self-made
media turbo-millionaire

SB.TV founder Jamal

started out in the carpark
in Acton estate lming
local rappers and putting
them on YouTube. Now
hes a full-on hellaloaded media mogul.
Hes made the entire
journey look really easy
through unshiftable
self-belief. And hes
got an MBE.

While shes racked up a

fair few sequels on her
IMDB prole (Johnny
English Reborn, Fast &
Furious 6), Claras
fucking cool. She swears
a lot, her favourite movie
is One Flew Over The
Cuckoos Nest, and she
wore a false moustache
during Movember last
year. All while looking
like a complete angel.

No.

32
Joey BAdA$$

Age: 20
What do: Rapper taking over the White House
Hes about to drop a destined-for-huge-things
debut album and earlier this year, a sele emerged
of Malia Obama (the US Presidents daughter)
wearing a shirt emblazoned with Pro Era, Joeys
label and hip-hop collective. Theres no beating that.

055

No.

31

victoria
vergara
Age: 20
What do: Brunette
bombshell and
professional surfer

Not content with

just being an awardwinning, champion
surfer, French
hottie Victoria is
indescribably hot,
obsessed with
The Simpsons and
Skittles, and, judging
by her Tumblr, never
knowingly not having
a brilliant time on a
beach in a bikini.
We want to go rock
pooling with her.
Forever.

056

MARCH 2015

28

Cool
thingS on
the UP
PodcAsts
Serial was just the start.
Factual, dare-we-say-it
educational podcasts,
feeding our Brian
Cox-fuelled love of
science and the natural
world, are going from
strength to strength.
Try Stuff You Should
Know and Radiolab
out for starters.

No.

30
dakota JohnSon

Age: 25
What do: Model-turned-actress with a wild streak
Her dad is Don Johnson from Miami Vice and her
mum is Melanie Grifth. Shes playing Anastasia in
Fifty Shades of Grey and (lets be honest) anyone
who can give that shonky book some class is
walking around with stockpiles of awesomeness.

Sarah-Jane
Crawford
27

photography: shutterstock, getty, rex, alamy, pa photos, dominic sheldon,

carlo allegri/invision/ap images

29

kate Mara

Age: 31
What do: Intenselyintense star of the small
screen

You wouldnt think the

son of Tim Healy (off
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet)
and Denise Welch (off
Coronation Street) would
be destined for stardom,
but he is. He met his
band mates in school in
Maccleseld, dropped
out at 16 and ended up
storming into the charts
at number one.

Cooler than her sister

Rooney? We think so.
Kate manages to tick
the boxes for being both
terrifying and sexy. Ever
since seeing her in
House of Cards, weve
have this nagging urge
to take her paintballing.
No reason, we just
reckon shed be really
good at paintballing.

old MAn sPorts

Golf is getting big with
normal, non-geriatric
people. Darts is setting
stadiums across the
UK on re. Fishing
is experiencing a much
deserved renaissance.
We can only assume
bowls aka The King
Of All Sports is next.

Age: 33
What do: Super-sexy
actress/radio presenter
We rst saw/fell madly
in love with her on
Shipwrecked and since
then shes been all over
the place presenting a
show on 1Xtra, as well
as on BBC Three, E4
and ITV2 to name but a
few. Were trying not to
mention how hard we
want to marry her, but
its not going very well.

the dIY AesthetIc

Everyone is doing it for
themselves. Community
radio stations like NTS
are attracting attention
from big brands and
grime videos are being
made for 80 quid by
production teams like
Tim & Barry. All of this
is being hailed as
cutting-edge and there
are tons of brilliant
no-budget lm and
music fanzines being
published in bedrooms
across Britain.

Matt healy

Age: 25
What do: Chart-topping
lead singer of indie rock
band The 1975

26

gigi hagid

Age: 19
What do: Total
bombshell model
Some people have way
too much genetic luck,
and, as the new face
of Guess, Gigi falls
squarely into this
category, while also
being sweet. Like, if you
took her home to your
mum, shed probably be
a massive hit (provided
you mum doesnt know
how to do a Google
image search).

hIgh-IntensItY
trAInIng
Spending hours trotting
along on a treadmill
like a disinterested
laboratory test subject
is out. Pushing your
body to its limits for
15 minutes until you
collapse into a pile of
sweat and quivering
muscle is in.
non-sMArt
Phones
When Rihanna was
spotted wielding a
clunky non-smart phone
(aka just a phone) a
few months ago it set
in motion a trend for
mobiles with neither
bells nor whistles. Who
needs apps anyway?

No.

25
Solange knowleS

Age: 28
What do: Spiky alternative to Queen Bey
Beyonc might be your girlfriends idol but her sister
is the innitely cooler, edgier Knowles alternative.
Plus, shes got that constant peril thing going on
will she be a good laugh or will she attack you
brutally in a lift? Thats a joke. Were joking.

057

23 Hailey
Baldwin

21

Age: 18
What do: A Baldwinbrothers daughter who
looks nothing like her
dad, Stephen
OK, so she might be
dating Justin Bieber
but this isnt conrmed.
Either way, shes the
daughter of Stephen (a
good Baldwin) and the
niece of Alec (the best
Baldwin) so deserves to
be on this list purely for
her family credentials.

24
Age: 20
What do: Big-haired, sexy-voiced singer-songwriter
She rst caught our eye/ear as the vocals on
Rudimentals banger Waiting All Night but now
Ella is all famous and cool in her own right. She
also drunk-tweets a lot (by her own admission) and
her voice is as silky-smooth as an aural espresso.

20

dev Hynes

Formerly a member of
Test Icicles, Dev is one
of the most prolic
songwriters in the world
without losing any of his
punk credibility. Hes
written for everyone from
Kylie to Britney while
releasing his own stuff.
Sometimes he makes an
EP in a day and gives it
away for free. Hero.

18

MARCH 2015

alison Brie

Age: 32
What do: Tiny kooky
actress

19 Jennifer
lawrence

Age: 24
What do: Have you
been living in a cave?
The perfect human. She
loves pizza, acts goofy,
is incredibly talented
and wouldnt mind if you
accidentally spilled beer
on her because shes
probably already done
it herself. Oh, and she
goes to house parties in
South London wearing
trackies because she
just dont care.

058

Brent Hinds

Age: 41
What do: Scary, hairy,
stoned metal monster
A giant ginger-bearded
lunatic with more tattoos
than all of One Direction
put together, Hinds
is one-quarter of
Mastodon, the worlds
hairiest metal band.
When not terrifying
audiences, he relaxes
by carving giant fuck-off
Easter Island heads out
of trees and smoking
all the weed on Earth.

ella eyre

Age: 29
What do: Superstar
songwriter and solo
maverick

22

She nailed the weekend

evening slots on Radio
1, and is one of the
most lauded DJs on
the airwaves, while still
being someone youd
really like to go for a
pint with. While DJs
are usually pretty
intimidating, Annie
makes the cool list for
also being a proper
down-to-earth gal.

photography: pL haNSEN

No.

annie Mac

Age: 36
What do: Irish DJ and
TV presenter

No.

17

Shes the typical

girl-next-door who you
suspect would be insane
(in an absolutely brilliant
way) in bed, Alisons
charm comes from her
uncanny ability to play
kooky, geeky and sexy
all at the same time.
Like a golden-age
Zooey Deschanel,
minus the copious
amounts of twee.

Jess Glynne

Age: 25
What do: Outspoken red-haired singer-songwriter
Her collab with British electronic group Clean
Bandit nabbed the best-selling song of 2014, but
Jess still keeps it real by living with her mum. No
diva behaviour here, which automatically makes
her Very Cool - and that voice. Whoa.

No.

16

BLAKE
ANDERSON
Age: 30
What do: Lion-maned
slacker hero
As one third of
Comedy Centrals
Workaholics, Anderson
went from YouTube
stoner to legitimate
star, and his nonconventional attitude
to hair has made him
the breakout of the
show (that he is
also co-creator and
executive producer of).
Also, check out his
label, Teenage T-Shirts.

059

No.

15

KARLIE
KLOSS
Age: 22
What do: Bambi-like
Victorias Secret model
Best mates (or, dare
we say it, more?) with
Taylor Swift, dont let
her stellar modelling
credentials blind you
into thinking shes
in any way dull
Karlie plans to study
medicine at Harvard.
Which might be a
good idea, because
if you introduced her
to your mates, one
of them is likely to
suffer a ginormous
heart attack.

060

MARCH 2015

BrAnds
To BiG uP
EllEssE
Theres been a surge
of retro old-school
sports brands. Fila,
Kappa, Umbro and best
of all Ellesse. Once
associated with lager
louts and truant school
children, Ellesse today
is aspirational and
totally on-trend.

No.

14
KAT dEnninGs

Age: 28
What do: The sexier half of Two Broke Girls
With curves that could sink a ship (if said ship was
unable to sail in the presence of excellent curves),
Kat treads the line between girl-next-door and
seriously sexy. While also able to play goofy. Which
gets her about 600,000 cool points, in our books.

11

Honor TiTus

Age: Unknown
What do: Vomitstained punk rock
polymath

The frontman of New

Yorks Cerebral Ballzy
(the band with the
best and the worst name
in the whole world) is a
walking contradiction
a pizza-obsessed
pissed-up skater who
runs poetry nights and
writes short stories, yet
barfs on stage during
most shows.

10 CHris
HArdwiCK

Age: 43
What do: Insanely
prolic media straddler
Chris Hardwick is the
busiest man in the world
hes a writer, comedian,
actor, podcast host, TV
presenter and CEO of
Nerdist Industries but
he always seems to be
having an amazing time.
Hes become internet
royalty, with the Nerdist
podcast expanding into
a media empire.

TEns
Whod have thought
people wanted a pair
of sunnies that make it
look like youre seeing
the world through
Instagram lters?
Entrepreneur Marty
Bell (also the creator
of the FHM-endorsed
Poolside FM), thats
who. And he was right.
PEndlETon
The whole Navajo
Indian, Burning Man
vibe is destined for big
things were told. Its
called global nomad
and brands like
Pendleton, who do
all sorts of stuff from
asks to bed sheets
and blankets, are at
the cutting edge of it.
FrEnds
These things, spotted
dangling around the
necks of numerous
cool-types, might very
well usher in the end
of the Beats By Dre.
Metallic statement
headphones, Frends,
arent really even
advertised anywhere,
but that hasnt stopped
them busting onto
the main stage of
pop culture.
CAlvin KlEin
More proof that the 90s
revival is in full effect.
Calvin Klein is having a
moment, as evinced by
the fact their underwear
is selling like tight-tting
hot cakes. Hard to tell
whether that heavilyphotoshopped Justin
Bieber in a pair of CK
grundies picture helped
or hindered.

13

JME

Age: 29
What do: Grime
impresario and systemfucker
Co-founder of agendasetting grime collective
Boy Better Know, the
man born Jamie
Adenuga brings a
punk-rock DIY attitude to
his career, boasting, No
label, no PR, no manager,
no PA, no publisher, no
stylist. And hes created
a brand of pay-as-you-go
mobile phones

12

iwAn rHEon

Age: 29
What do: Multitalented, hyper-intense
performer
Not a lot of the stars of
Welsh-language soap
opera Pobol y Cwm go
on to international fame,
but Iwan Rheon aint no
normal Welshman. Best
known for his role as
boggle-eyed sadist in
Game Of Thrones, hes
also recorded a pretty
strong debut album
called Dinard.

olly
AlExAndEr
09

Age: 24
What do: Singing
actor, acting singer,
all-round nice dude
Olly Alexanders having
a pretty good year. His
band Years & Years have
been named the BBCs
Sound Of 2015, his
performance in God
Help The Girl (a lm by
Belle & Sebastians
Stuart Murdoch) keeps
winning awards, and hes
mates with Judi Dench.

08

AuBrEy PlAzA

Age: 30
What do: Deadpan,
no-bullshit actress
Look, she just gets it.
Shes cool-as-fuck, has
cynical (yet alluring)
eyes and would
out-sarcasm John
Sarcasm, the inventor
of sarcasm (John isnt
the inventor of sarcasm).
We get the unshakeable
feeling shed be good at
sorting our lives out over
a pint, too.

061

2015
STYLe
TRendS

No.

07

PAtches on
jAckets
Looking like a bloke
at the back of an Iron
Maiden gig is suddenly
desirable. Need proof?
Richard Nicoll, aheadof-the-curve British
menswear designer and
new creative director
at Jack Wills, has made
denim jackets covered
in patches a centre
piece for their new stuff.

donALd GLoveR

Age: 31
What do: Super ambitious multi-media writer
This guy is one of those dudes thats just incredibly
good at everything he turns his hand to. He won an
Emmy for his writing on 30 Rock, starred in four
seasons of sitcom Community and has released three
albums as his hip-hop alter-ego, Childish Gambino.

PeTeR
dInKLAGe

Age: 45
What do: Swordswinging superstar
The Game Of Thrones
cast has 400 people in
it, but none of them is
better Peter Dinklage
as Tyrion Lannister, the
foul-mouthed king of put
downs. The 4ft 5ins actor
turned what could have
been a silly show about
dragons into one of the
greatest programmes in
the history of TV.

03

AnnA KendRICK

Age: 29
What do: Witty
actress/Twitter queen
Anna is funny, and
funny always equals
cool. Her Twitter
highlights include:
Walnuts, you can fuck
off out of my banana
bread and Ugh
NEVER going to a
Ryan Gosling movie in a
theater again. Apparently
masturbating in the back
row is still considered
inappropriate.

062

MARCH 2015

LoRde

Not only would Lorde

be good value down the
pub due to her penchant
for calling out bullshit,
swearing and generally
not giving a shit, but have
you seen her on stage?
Shes compelling and
weird and awesome all
at the same time like
an episode of Sherlock,
in human form.

05

CHRIS PRATT

Age: 35
What do: Chunkyturned-hunky charisma
machine
At the beginning of last
year, Pratt was best
know as affable lunk
Andy Dwyer on Parks
And Recreation. Then
he reappeared as a
super-ripped leading
man, turning Guardians
Of The Galaxy into the
biggest lm of the year
by kind of being the
most likeable dude ever.

Less beArd
For too long now, cool
has been associated
with men sporting
luxuriant, Rasputin-like
facial foliage. Not any
more. Now blokes are
being encouraged to
take a razor to their
faces (in a nice way) and
set their jawlines free.
LIttLe PonytAILs
Last year was the year
we saw the rise of the
man bun (or mun)
a little dollop of tied-up
hair sat on the top of
a guys head. Well, the
mun has quite literally
slipped to the back of
the head. Expect to see
loads of cool types with
tiny, Steven Segalesque ponytails. Really.

04

06

Age: 18
What do: Surprisingly
mature for her age
singer-songwriter

No.

02

the grunge thIng

Grow your hair and quit
bathing. Wear oversized
cardigans. Whine. Thats
what youre going to
have to do if you want
to channel your inner
Cobain and capitalise
on the upcoming trend
for all things rainy and
complain-y.
outdoor-y stuff
At FHM we truly and
wholeheartedly love
anything that inspires
us to get up close and
personal with Mother
Nature. Luckily for us,
outdoor clothing brands
like Finisterre and North
Face are about to have
a big year. Also: no more
perfume-y fragrances.
Its all about smelling
like moss and earth,
courtesy of aftershave
brands like Diptyque.

FKA TWIGS

Age: 27
What do: Weird-but-cool singer-songwriter
If youve got a Touch-me-and-Ill-bite-you
expression, you lm stuff for Google Glass while
maintaining your street cred and you write songs on
the melodic side of bonkers then well forgive you
for dating Robert Pattinson.

No.

01

Nick
OffermaN

Age: 44
What do: Axetoting moustached
mans man

The human
embodiment of a
Swiss Army Knife lled
with whisky, Offerman
was a carpenter and
ght choreographer
before getting a role in
Parks And Recreation
as Ron Swanson, a
character largely
based on himself and
the manliest man in
television history.
Still a part-time
boat-builder, his debut
DVD American Ham
includes helpful,
no-nonsense advice
on performing oral sex
with a moustache.

TURN OVER

TO MEET HOLLYWOODS
NEW QUEEN OF COOL
063

Ice cold. And

being Ashley
Benson, the
sexiest, edgiest
new girl in
Hollywood
Words: Dan Jude
Photography:
Zoe McConnell at
Chilli Media
064

March 2015

065

eve Campbell and Denise

Richards in the pool in
Wild Things. Mila Kunis
and Natalie Portman in the
bedroom in Black Swan.
Sarah Michelle Gellar and
Selma Blair in the park in
Cruel Intentions. Iconic
lady-on-lady cinematic
moments so brilliantly erotic,
so unimaginably sexy, that
theyve gone on to not just
dene the movies themselves,
but the pop cultural eras to which they belong.
Add to those that hot-tub scene in the
Harmony Korine-directed 2012 instant cult
classic Spring Breakers, in which Ashley
Benson, Vanessa Hudgens and James Franco
take a, erm, dip. It is, without exaggeration,
one of mainstream cinemas most brilliantly
erotic scenes. Its also the scene in which
we realised that rule-breaking Ashley Benson
is one of the sexiest women in Hollywood
and the entire goddamn world.
Shes a lot more than just a pretty face
too. Not only is she knocking on the door
of AAA-list status in Tinseltown with a series
of big roles in big movies; shes also funny,
intelligent and, as FHM found out when
we spoke to her, very, very cool.
These qualities have combined to make her
one of the internets most-followed people
(not just actresses people). Shes got more
followers on Instagram than Barack Obama,
P Diddy or Lady Gaga. Not bad, given that
shes just turned 25...

FHM: Congrats on your rst FHM cover,

Ashley! According to the Internet, youre
Irish, English and German. Is that true?
Yes! And Im also Swedish, Norwegian and
Indian. I think thats it.
Have you been to all those places?
Erm, no. But I have been to London a lot.
I love it Id rather live in Europe than LA.
Could you deal with the rain?
I love the rain. Since Ive lived in LA, I dont
get rain at all. I would love it.
Youre 25 now, but youve been in the
entertainment industry for a while, right?
Yes. I started dancing when I was, like, two.
But acting, I was maybe 10.
You started out in a bunch of commercials.
What sort of stuff were you selling?
My rst real commercial was a Dominos
pizza advert. So I had to eat, like, a hundred
slices of pizza. I was young, so I didnt realise
that you were allowed to spit the pizza out.
I thought you had to swallow it every time,
I felt so sick! It sounds amazing, but after
12 hours you never want to see pizza again.
After that you were in the soap opera, Days
Of Our Lives, which apparently isnt just
a ctional show Joey stars in in Friends?
Ha, yes it is real. Its been around way too
066

March 2015

long, but its exactly like its portrayed in

Friends. Its basically the most dramatic thing
that youll ever watch in your life. The actors
are crying in every episode or are in some
other really extreme situation, like they got
killed last night and then next week theyre
back from the dead. It doesnt even make
sense. When I started on the show the day
before my episode aired, the character I was
playing was 12 with brown hair; then the
following day I came on and I was playing a
16 year old with blonde hair.
Did you perfect your fake crying?
Oh yeah. I can usually cry on cue, but if youve
been fake crying for 10 hours and youre tired
and cant cry any more, they have these little
eye blowers. They blow this stick in your eye
its like an icy peppermint thing and it
literally makes your eye, like, ll with water.
Your rst big break after that was Pretty
Little Liars, which is pretty huge in the
US, right?
Yes, it is! To people in the UK who havent
seen it, Id describe it as a crazy, mysterious,
action-packed one-hour drama.
Youre obviously pretty and, at 5ft 5in,
you just about qualify as little. But are
you a good liar?
I think so, but only white lies now and then.
How about if a guy put in a, lets say, weak
sexual performance and asked how it was?
Id say, That was great! And then never call
them again.
You starred in Spring Breakers, which
was one of FHM s favourite lms of the
past couple of years. Did you think it
would become such an instant cult hit?
It was amazing working with Harmony Korine
[director, also wrote Kids]. Everything he
does just turns to gold, so I knew it would
be a great experience.
Theres a lot of sex and drugs and violence
in the movie were you nervous about that
after your squeaky-clean TV past?
I denitely was nervous, but I knew what
I was getting into. When I rst read the
script, I knew that the character was me.
I related to her on so many levels she was
just so fun to be able to mess around with.
Its interesting that you say you relate
to your character, Brit, whos a grocery
store-robbing, binge-drinking, threesomehaving party animal
Ha! Yeah, not like that. Im one of the most
boring people you will ever meet. I stay at
home, play with my dogs and then go to
a nice restaurant, thats my life. But there
is a side to me that likes to go out with
my friends and have a good time, and Brit
reminded me of me when I was 19, trying to
gure myself out, just doing what I wanted.
Youre better behaved than her though?
Hell yes. Ive never done drugs in my life,
its just not a part of me. It was awful when
we had to snort coke in the movie we had
to crush up B12 vitamins, and it just hurt

ASHLEY BENSON
WHO SHE?

Full name: Ashley

Victoria Benson
Age: 25
Lives: California
Likes: House of Cards,
independent cinema, sushi
Dislikes: Spiders, too
much pizza
Twitter: @AshBenzo
Instagram: @itsashbenzo

067

ASHLEY BENSON

I o n c e h a d t o e at 1 0 0
slIces of pIzza for a
d o m I n o s c o m m e r c I a l

068

MONTH 2014

069

I was pleased
wIth how the
sex scene
t u r n e d o u t.
It was very
t a s t e f u l

070

March 2015

my nose. I was, like, My nose is bleeding,

I dont feel good, but these are just vitamins,
I cant imagine doing the real thing!
There were also a few fairly risqu sex
scenes, including that hot-tub threesome
with James Franco and Vanessa Hudgens
Any time youre intimate on camera its
nerve-racking, but it was a closed set so
nobody else was there. I was really glad
I had Vanessa by my side because we became
best friends. I remember the rst time that
Harmony showed me the lm. It was on a
really small TV in a ofce in LA, and that
scene came up and I paid attention to it
because I wanted to make sure that it was
tasteful. Im glad with how it turned out.
You also spent pretty much the entire
lm in a bikini how was that?
That was actually the hardest part. I was,
like, Fuck, Im literally in a bathing suit the
whole movie! So I worked out really hard
before I went and shot it and then Harmony
was like, You guys need to look like you
drink beer every day, you dont work out,
you eat fast food every day, dont look good.
So then I had to undo all my hard work!
What sort of lms do you want to do next?
Right now I really enjoy independent lm.
Spring Breakers was my rst feature, so
I kind of want to follow that up with something
like that, just something really dark, edgy
and challenging.
What else is on your bucket list for 2015?
I would love to live in Paris, and join a school
to learn how to cook.
Are you a good cook?
Im horrible.
Whats your signature meal?
Erm, scrambled eggs? I can make good
French toast too. This is why I need to go
to Paris! And while Im in Europe, Id love
to learn how to surf too, even though Im
terried of the water.
What else are you scared of?
Im deathly afraid of spiders I dont care if
theyre the size of a dot, Im screaming and
running out of my house. Yesterday there
was a spider on my car I thought it was
inside and I literally almost crashed into
a pole. I was hyper-ventilating and crying.
Im convinced Im allergic.
Are you a hypochondriac?
I think I am dying every day. If I have
a bruise, Im like, Ah, I have a super
deadly disease!
What music are you listening to at
the moment?
I think Taylor Swifts album is pretty
amazing. And a lot of Sam Smith too.
Finally, tell us a secret about you.
I can talk with my mouth closed. Its
good because it means I have a career
as a ventriloquist to fall back on if it all
goes wrong with the acting!

071

ASHLEY BENSON
QUIckfIre
roUnd
Chocolate
or sweets?
Chocolate
Night in or
night out?
Always night in
Margarita or
Coca-Cola?
Margarita
Beer or
wine?
Wine
Bikini or
one-piece?
Bikini
American
football
or soccer?
American
football. Sorry
iPhone or
Android?
iPhone
Steak or
sushi?
Sushi
Tea or
coffee?
Coffee
Twitter or
Facebook?
Twitter

072

MONTH 2014

Stand-upS at

BreakfaSt

Christian OConnell
LiSten weekdayS

Frank Skinner
LiSten SaturdayS

On the hunt fOr

074

MARCH 2015

Footballs
HEaRt
soUl

FHM goes behind the scenes

with the BBC at the FA Cup
to nd out if the worlds oldest
football competition is still
relevant in the billionaire era
Photography: Stuart Hendry
Words: Matt Blake

075

T o T r u ly u n d e r s Ta n d w h aT T h e F a C u p m e a n s T o
an ex-proFessional FooTballer wiTh Three
w i n n e r s m e d a l s , T r y T e l l i n g h i m T h aT h e o n ly
h a s T w o . i T i s n o l a u g h i n g m aT T e r .

At least, Martin Keown is not laughing. Not one bit.

FHM has, by a rather unfortunate slip of the tongue,
just done exactly that. The former Arsenal talismanturned-BBC pundit looks at us as if weve kidnapped
one of his children.
I think you need to do your research, he whispers
chillingly, leaning in. Then youll nd Ive actually
won it three times, not two.
We try to hold his stare, unsure of whether we should
beg his forgiveness or ee before he smashes us in with
his walnut forehead. Now, he growls, if youd have
said that to me live on air, youd be spending the rest
of the night lying awake in bed thinking about what
youve just done.
We assure him that we probably will anyway, and he
breaks into a hearty laugh. The 1974 FA Cup nal is
what inspired me to become a footballer, full stop.

We are lounging in Match Of The Days makeshift

green room backstage at the 4,850-capacity
Kingsmeadow stadium, where League Two side AFC
Wimbledon are about to host Liverpool in the third
round of the FA Cup. Its more of a converted childrens
play centre it certainly doesnt feel very BBC.
Colourful crayon drawings and glitter paintings festoon
every wall. Theres a kitchen at the back, a pool table at
its centre and a basketball court through a side door.
On the way in, theres a sign instructing us to keep
area tidy at all times, to stay away from the internet
cables and to not use the oven.
Not that Gary Lineker needs telling, mind you: hes
sitting at a colouring-in table laden with empty packets
of cheese-and-onion crisps (no prizes here for guessing
which brand), feverishly swiping at his iPhone. Danny
Murphy is sprawled across the pool table in jeans and
trainers talking tactics with presenter Mark Chapman,
while Martin Keown has now ditched us in order to
chat to Conor McNamara, his co-commentator for
tonights BBC Radio 5 Live coverage.
However, if all of that wasnt enough to suggest that
tonight is no ordinary night for MOTD, there is another
glaring incongruity: Alan Shearer is wearing a jacket
and tie and his nipples are nowhere to be seen. We
dont have to wear a tie in the studio, but tonight is a
special occasion, he tells us. Were on someone elses
ground and I think its right to show them that respect.
And also, this is the FA Cup the oldest football
tournament in the world.

076

MARCH 2015

Undoubtedly, the Cup has changed since its inaugural

nal that pitted Wanderers against the Royal Engineers
in 1872. Then, there were no crossbars, nets, penalties
or free kicks; teams changed ends after each goal, and
throw-ins were given to whoever got hold of the ball
rst. The Engineerss Lieutenant Edmund Creswell
broke his collarbone early in the game, but refused
to leave the pitch. It was a classic underdog story.
Wanderers, the rank-outsiders, won 1-0 thanks to a goal
by Morton Betts, set up after a scything run by the Rev
Walpole Vidal, aka the prince of dribblers. Cue 150
years of 6-0 drubbings, giant killings and the unending
search for the Magic of the Cup MotC, for short.
Yet the Cup has taken a drubbing of its own in recent
decades, mainly by the lucrative nancial incentives of
Premier League survival and, of course, the UEFA
Champions League. In December, QPR boss Harry
Redknapp reiterated his 2011 claim that it has been
devalued by top teams elding half-strength squads.
And in 2012, then-Manchester United boss Sir Alex
Ferguson echoed his old foe: I dont think its got the
same magic as it had when I rst came down [to
England in 1986].

Has the FA Cup lost its magic? Surely, if it is to be

found anywhere, its here, where supporter-owned AFC
Wimbledon seek to shock Liverpool despite 71 league
places between them. Its a rematch of the 1988 Wembley
nal, in which Lawrie Sanchezs goal and Dave Beasants
penalty save provided two of the biggest upsets in the FA
Cups history. The League Two club has already forged an
underdog story as fairytale as any in English football.
After Wimbledon FC was relocated by its owners to the
apparently untapped football goldmine of Milton Keynes
in 2002, the fans deantly formed their own team,
holding open trials on Wimbledon Common. Starting out
in the Combined Counties league, the phoenix club won
ve promotions to return to the Football League in 2011.
And tonight, nearly 27 seasons after that memorable
triumph over Kenny Dalglishs stellar Reds, they meet
again in a match that is being beamed live into homes
around the world by the BBC. This, we are assured by
everyone we speak to backstage, is a big deal for the
Corporation, as its the rst time in six years that it has
broadcast FA Cup matches as they happen. The BBC has
gone big on the worlds oldest tournament this year: live
broadcasting of the draws, splashy coverage of the early
rounds and, in the build-up to third round, breathless
mining of the Cups glorious moments from the past.
And at every turn, the search for the Magic of the Cup.

On the hunt fOr fOOtballs heart and sOul

even motd host mark

chapman needs make-up
before going on air

the fa cup is no
laughing matter inside
the pundits studio
the bbcs puppetmasters
pull the strings in the
production truck

077

On The hunT fOr fOOTbAlls heArT And sOul

it Was a magical night for

the afc Wimbledon faithful

martin keoWn commentates

With conor mcnamara for
bbc radio 5 live

Weve had
the odd
blackout
before,
but theres
alWays
a Plan b

haydon the Womble

eyes uP his next
croWd-surfing
oPPortunity
078

MARCH 2015

On The hunT fOr fOOTbAlls heArT And sOul

The play-centre green room has now emptied out

since Gary Lineker and co. drifted off to take position
for the main event. But outside, the stadium is rocking.
Crowd-surf the Womble, were gonna crowd-surf the
Womble, is the most ear-catching chant to echo across
the ground. Intrigued, we head pitch-side just in time
to witness Wimbledons cuddly seven-foot mascot,
Haydon the Womble, being passed across the heads of
fans on the Nongshim Stand before he is promptly
dropped on his face.
Weve endured nine years of coming up through the
leagues, and here we can see Gerrard on our pitch,
beaming fan Spencer Green tells us from the stand.
Thats taking the Mickey. Im used to seeing Exeter or
Torquay play. I dont expect to see these people six feet
in front of me. It is a dream.

At 7.55pm, the game kicks off. After some effort, we

had persuaded the BBC to let us roam free across
tonights entire broadcast operation and what a
massive operation it is. At least half a dozen lorries and
trucks are parked in the eld behind the stadiums main
stand, churning the ground into a quagmire of ankledeep mud. Miles of coloured cables worm out the back
of each, tangling in the sludge like spilt spaghetti. A
few stressed-out production assistants scurry about,
all in a terrible hurry. The atmosphere is frenetic and
tense. Whats the worst that can happen?
My worst nightmare is something technical going
wrong, says Mark Cole, 38, head of football for the
BBC. Weve had the odd blackout before, but theres
always a plan B.
Machines break: its what they do. Failsafes x those
problems. But there is no reboot button for when
pundits malfunction, as Alan Hansen did in 2003.
It was during the build-up to an FA Cup game
between Wolves and Rochdale at Molineaux, says Mark.
Despite having just gone live, Alan thought we were
still rehearsing. There he was calling his wife at home,
asking if she had the front-door keys and it all went
out. The whole conversation. Then Gary asked him a
question, to which he gave a one-word answer, and went
back to reading his programme. Gary then looked at the
camera and went, Are we on air? I shouted through the
mic that we most denitely were, and Alan automatically
launched into a one-minute monologue about something
to compensate, I think like a true pro!
If something similar is to happen tonight, we want
to be there when it does. So we head to the Production
Truck at half-time to nd Richard Hughes, 39, MOTDs
editor and puppetmaster-in-chief, pulling the strings of
Lineker, Shearer and former Wimbledon keeper Dave
Beasant as they discuss the rst halfs action. He is
surrounded by a team of producers in front of a wall
of glaring monitors. If he thinks of a relevant fact or
observation, he barks it through the mic system and
they say it, which is surprisingly often. This is how
they discuss Steven Gerrards opening goal:

Richard Hughes: Get in that it came from a cross,

Dave. Dave! You need to explain thats its a cross rst.
Al, help him out here.
Alan Shearer (cuts in): Hes got to get that ball in
there. Look, there! Hes got to cross that ball
(continues) ...
RH: Well done, Al.
DB: Gerrards bravery, his desire (continues) ...
RH: Someone hes Liverpools top scorer this season.
AL: Hes Liverpools top scorer this season (continues)
...
Producer 2 (holding a stopwatch): Three minutes
left, guys. Three minutes.
Producer 1: Stand by, Chappers [Mark Chapman],
youre up next
RH: Lets hear from two Wimbledon legends.
GL: We can now hear from two former Wimbledon
legends. Lawrie Sanchez and Marcus Gayle are with
Mark Chapman.
And so it goes. The game nished 2-1 to Liverpool,
thus ending AFC Wimbledons FA Cup dream for
another season. Much to the relief of Cole, there
are no major cock-ups, technical meltdowns or pundit
malfunctions. In fact, it is impressively slick.

Gary Lineker: Well it all started nicely for Liverpool,

and especially Steven Gerrard, didnt it?
Dave Beasant: Its written in the stars, isnt it?
(continues talking)
Producer 1: Cutting to goal replay.

One of MOTDs funniest blooper moments came when

Pel graced the lighted coffee table several years ago.
Evidently moved by his presence, Gary Lineker gushed
about what an honour it was to have him on the show.
And an honour for me, too, Pel replied. To be here
with the great Linneck.
He is a curiously elusive creature, the Great Linneck,
rarely in one place for more than a moment. Every time
we think weve cornered him for an interview, he gives
us the slip and dissolves into the night. Then we hear
that hes left. But this is the FA Cup, where anything can
happen can it not? And sure enough, as we are about to
call it a night, the phone rings. At rst he seems weary,
as if hed been put up to this interview by a mate.
I wouldnt say I love [presenting MOTD], he tells us.
I certainly like it, but loving it is maybe putting it a
bit strong. I love football, obviously.
It is a strange admission youd think hed be more
enthusiastic given that his employer will probably read
these words. But this is Gary Lineker, the post-match
sofa king and ageless giant of the small screen. He can
say whatever he likes. Get him on to the subject of the
FA Cup, however, and his voice lights up with nostalgia.
The FA Cup used to be the only circus in town,
he tells us. Winning it (in 1991, when he played for
Tottenham) was the pinnacle of my playing career.
I won the Cup Winners Cup and Spanish Cup with
Barcelona but there was something special about the
FA Cup. Would players say that now? Im not sure; they
would if it was the only cup they won.
The nal used to cause so much excitement that teams
would even release a single during the build-up: who
could forget Aneld Rap? But in an era of packed xture
lists and high nancial rewards for nishing well in the
league, the FA Cup has recently threatened to fall by the
wayside. In January, West Broms Saido Berahino didnt
celebrate four goals in a 7-0 thrashing of Gateshead.
Does anyone care about the FA Cup anymore?
079

With Gary gone, we head to the Kingsmeadow bar

where Wimbledons fans are sure to be drowning their
sorrows in plastic cups. But we nd that the place is
pumping. Up to 300 fans are drinking, singing and
laughing. Some are even dancing. Its far from the
funereal atmosphere youd expect of a team who have
just crashed out of a major tournament.
Then we notice something else something that
would be unheard of at any top-tier club. In the corner,
surrounded by a platoon of admirers, is Adebayo
Akinfenwa, aka The Beast Wimbledons man-mountain
star striker who scored the teams only goal an hour
ago. He isnt drinking like everyone else, but signing
autographs, posing for pictures clutching Steven
Gerrards Number 8 shirt, and grinning from ear to ear.
Ive been a Liverpool fan all my life, so to be able to
play against them the likes of Gerrard, krtel and
Coutinho was a dream, he says. On top of that,
to score against them and to push them like we did...
it was a magical night.
Our conversation turns to his cherished prize, on
which you can still catch a whiff of Gerrards sweat.
I told the boys that if anyone gets Gerrards shirt
before me, we are going to have a problem, he laughs.
He signed it for me, too. Look.
You wouldnt want a problem with this player. He is
5ft 10in tall and tips the scales at 16 stone. Its not just
for show, though: in the game FIFA 15, he is recognised
as the strongest player in the world. And at this very
moment, he might just be one of the sweetest.
This is not an everyday occurrence for us, to play
Liverpool at home, he continues. We are a League
Two team used to playing League Two teams, and the
attention we got before the game and the plaudits we
are getting after is a magical feeling. I mean, we had a
press day leading up to this. We never have a press day.
Surely this, then, is where the Magic of the Cup lives
on in the dressing rooms, puddly pitches and stickycarpeted clubhouses of teams outside the top two
divisions. Its here minnows dont necessarily even have
to beat sharks; they just have to ght them n to n for
that taste, no matter how eeting, of the Big Time.
As we are leaving, we spot Spencer, the fan we spoke
to in the stand before kick-off.
I am so happy, he says. Yeah, we lost, but we
expected to get trounced: 2-1 doesnt feel like a loss.
The FA Cup is surely the only competition in the world
where the little sides who start in August, with a little
luck, can draw Liverpool at home at Christmas. Isnt
that what the FA Cup is all about?

THE FA CUP:
A GLORIOUS
HISTORY
080

march 2015

1871
The Fa cup is
invented

WImbLEdOnS FAnS
ARE SURE TO bE
dROWnInG THEIR
SORROWS. bUT THE
PLACE IS PUmPInG

1872
The rst Fa cup
nal, at Kennington
Oval in London,
sees Wanderers
triumph 1-0 against
royal Engineers in
front of 2,000
spectators.

1923
The rst nal is held
at the newly built
Wembley Stadium
a match between
Bolton Wanderers
and West ham
United to a crowd
of 20,000 fans.

1926
The nal between
Bolton Wanderers
and manchester
city was the rst of
any tie to go out live
on radio. It was only
relayed to public
halls, however.

On the hunt fOr fOOtballs heart and sOul

wimbledons star striker adebayo the
beast akinfenwa may have crashed out of
the cup, but he still took home a trophy

1938
The rst Cup nal
is shown in full on
television. The
match, between
Preston North End
and Hudderseld
Town, is broadcast
on the BBC.

1948
Manchester United
won the Cup by
beating top-ight
teams in each round,
including Blackpool
in the nal. They
remain the only club
to achieve this feat.

1953
The highest-scoring
Cup nal in football
history, a match in
which Blackpool
narrowly defeated
Bolton Wanderers
with a barnstorming
nal score of 4-3.

1973
Sunderland upset
rst-division Leeds
United, winning the
nal by 1-0 at
Wembley, becoming
the rst seconddivision team to do
so since West Brom.

2001
As Wembley
Stadium is rebuilt,
the rst FA Cup
nal to be hosted at
Cardiffs Millennium
Stadium ended in
Liverpools 2-1
victory over Arsenal.

2007
The Cup nal
returns to the new
Wembley Stadium
to a crowd of
89,826 supporters.
Chelsea beat
Manchester United,
winning 1-0.
081

Could
you...
Theyre the jobs
we all dream of
having. But how
hard can they
actually be?

082

PHOTOGRAPHY: LeON CserNOHLavek

wORds:
beN
arNOLd
MONTH
2014

Could you...

Start
your own
wrestling
federation?
>The glory days of British wrestling are being brought back with
a bang thanks to Garry Vanderhorne, 37, and his unique wrestling
organisation Lucha Britannia, which provides brilliant storytelling
and belly-laugh comedy with hardcore grappling. Heres how he
built it up from nothing
Lucha Britannia is in its eighth year now. I thought, if what
I and other wrestling fans want to see isnt out there, maybe I should
do it myself. How can I make this thing that I love better?
Wrestling is an art form. Its high art as well as being low
art, and it should be treated as such. As performance art, there
is nothing like it. With Lucha Britannia, I combined the powerful
iconography of the Mexican masks with the idea of British comedy,
daredevil skills and high-ying acrobatics.
Great shows think outside the box and are original.
It has to have a twist, a USP. Copying other people wont work.
Thats where a lot of promoters slip up. They copy from a blueprint.
It should be like a comic book come to life. You need to
be able to make the audience laugh one second, then leave their
mouth and eyes wide open the next, with them saying oh my God.
Some wrestlers are really meek and mild, then they
get in the ring and theyre total animals. Others are just
the same out of the ring, they just turn their volume up.
Ive never been in a circus, but from what Ive heard,
what we have is a lot like a circus family. Youre in something
thats quite dangerous, very skilful, like a secret kind of society.
I want people to go into work and say: I saw a monkey
swing through the rafters, drop 20ft down on to a guys
head, then that guy fought a psycho clown. Then a voodoo
witch doctor came in, knocked him out of the ring, and then Freddie
Mercury came in and knocked the witch doctor out with his voice.
Remember its a promotion. Have the machine in place. Its no
good putting the 20 best wrestlers on and just 10 people watch.
Get your artwork sorted and shout about it on social networks.
When moves go wrong, it can really hurt. I once had to
dive from the top rope, but the people I had to dive on were too
far away. Only in mid-air did I realise I wasnt going to reach them.
I ended up shattering my heel, broke my ankle and tore my
Achilles off. I had to be carried to hospital.
The most bizarre sight Ive seen at one of our shows?
Jonathan Ross carrying a barman from the bar into the ring,
then getting involved in a match.
Occasionally well get a drunk punter wanting to join in.
Theyre dealt with. Pro wrestlings not all for show.

First
steps
Step one
People who have a
dance, martial arts or
gymnastics background
can be easier to teach.
Find a good wrestling
school. There are
quite a few reputable
ones up and down
the country. And watch
as many different
styles of wrestling as
you can, from Mexican
to Japanese.
Step two
Study classic British
comedy. Monty Python,
Kenny Everett, Spike
Milligan, Allo Allo!,
It Aint Half Hot Mum,
even The Mighty Boosh
character comedy.
It should give you a
sense of humour and
remind you not to take
yourself too seriously.
Step three
Ask an organisation
for an apprenticeship.
Help out, put out the
chairs, lm it for them,
work for free, nd out
how the show runs.
Learn the business
from the grassroots up.
luchabritannia.com
083

Could you...

PHOTOGRAPHY: CRAIG SUGDEN

Make
a movie?

>If a lm nerd like Quentin Tarantino can go from video-shop clerk to A-list Hollywood director, then surely you can do it too (as long
as youve got oodles of lm knowledge and are up for a lot of hard graft). Kieron Hawkes, 37, director of the 2012 British thriller Piggy,
runs us through what you need to do to try and get your ick made.
Theres no xed route into making lms. I didnt come from
an artistic family or anything. Now you can just go and buy a camera
and start making lms cheap. That option wasnt there when I began.
I went through lm school, and that was a good route because it
plugged me into a network of people who were making lms.
The Nikon and Canon DSLRs are really good. The pro ones
are expensive, but they do cheaper versions for 200 to 300. Get
one and play around with it. If Id had an iPhone when I was younger,
Id have been constantly shooting stuff and cutting it together.
The great thing about software and cheaper equipment
now is that you can make your mistakes in private. At lm
school, you had to make your mistakes in front of loads of people.
Read everything you can about screenwriting. Theres The
Screenwriters Workbook by Syd Field. Ive read all his stuff, and
this is the best. Its practical. It tells you at which point to focus on

First
steps

084

MARCH 2015

Step one
Read as much as
you can about how
to make lms. Theres
a brilliant book about
storytelling called Into
The Woods by John
Yorke. Its great for
construction. Watch
loads of lms too.

Step two
Research the
production companies
that have made lms
you like and approach
them. See if theyll
read something
thats unsolicited.

structure and which point to focus on character. It puts you

in the right places at the right times to build a screenplay.
Making lms is a mix of talent, luck and bullshit.
As well as brutally hard work.
Getting rejected is really hard, but its par for the course.
I still get it now! Ill go for a drama and theyll say, Well, youve
never done any drama. Then Ill do a drama and try to get a
comedy, and theyll say, But youve never done a comedy and
its like, Fuck me, man! Do I have to know how to do everything?
You need nished projects to show producers, not
just ideas. It shows youre serious.
Competitions can be a good route in. Hang around at
screenwriting festivals too. Both can help you network. There
are part-time courses that can help you get your hands on
lm-making gear and get that network going. Or try to nd
some work as a runner on lm sets.
To start with, you will have to work
Step three
for free. Theres simply no way around
Start shooting stuff.
Do it all yourself. Write, that. Just give yourself a clear cut-off
point once youve got some experience.
and shoot and cut
Even when its hard, Id never do
together. Software is
anything else. Its absolutely the
vital, because it sets
best job ever, without a doubt.
your work out in the
I feel a lot more driven now than
right industry format.
when I started out, because of how
Final Draft is the one
great it is and how much fun it is.
lm-makers use.

Could you...

Write a
book?
>David Whitehouse, 33, wrote his awardwinning debut, Bed, in 2012. He didnt have
any experience of writing a book before he
had a crack at it. Reckon theres a novel
trying to escape from you? Here are his tips:
People who want to write almost
get caught up in the preamble. They
become obsessed with the idea that theyll
have to spend thousands of hours in front
of a laptop, and that can give them the yips.
You have to go at it like its a ght.
Beat it into submission. Wade in. Before you
start writing, read a few pages from a book
thats been published and is really good.
Reading is the exercise before the run.
If you write ve good words, thats
a good day. And if you write 3,000 bad
words, thats not necessarily a bad day.
I rent a desk in a very boring grey
ofce, and I keep boring ofce hours.
Its the only way, mentally, that I can make
myself do it. If I believed I could do it sitting
in a coffee shop, then my brain would think
Im on holiday and Id never do anything. I
treat it like a job because I have a huge
capacity for fucking around given the chance.
I wouldnt want to do anything else.
I love it even though its daunting. I expect
its daunting for Stephen King. And hes
written, like, ten thousand books.
Write like youre the only person
whos going to read it. Not what you
think people want to read.
The rst line is what you should
spend the most time on. More than
any other part of the book.
People think publishers and agents
are the enemy. But if youve written a
good book, they want it. Its your job to send
it to them. Waterstones Book of the Year
The Miniaturist was taken from a slush
pile, something randomly sent to an agent.
Dont get angry at rejection. At least
its not happening on telly with Simon Cowell
taking the piss out of you. You get a polite
letter saying its not for them. They dont think
youre a cock it just not for them. The best
book in the world is hated by most people.

First
steps

Step one
Actually write. It may
sound stupid, but
there are thousands
of people out there
who say theyre writing
novels but arent.

Step two
Dont think you need
a fully-formed story
to start writing a book.
You can always nd
your way through as
you go along.

Step three
Think of books you like,
Google which agents
represent the authors,
and send your work out.
I sent my rst 5,000
words to the biggest
agent and they took it.
085

Could you...

Run a
brewery?
>If making your own booze isnt living
the dream, we dont know what is. Neil
Hinchley, 41, was a radio producer before he
decided to make his hobby of home brewing
his job. Since then, hes been instrumental
in launching Crate, a massively successful
brewery, bar and restaurant in East London.
Fundamentally, its one of the
simplest processes. The Sumerians
and the Egyptians were doing it way back
in 5,000 Bc maybe by mistake, but still.
Its just malt, hops, yeast and water, and
variations on that really.
The rst homebrew I did was using
an old cool box Id modied. I stuck
a load of malted barley grain in it and hot
water. That creates the sugars, then you
stick that liquid in a tub with a heating
element like a big kettle, and add hops.
The kits are worth trying, maybe for
the rst time. But once youre serious,
you start doing wholegrain brewing. With
the kits you get a syrup, which means
your beer is half designed by someone
else, but itll still be ne, drinkable beer.
Youll become totally anal about
cleanliness, because after its been
boiled, beer becomes prone to infections.
Youll know when a brew has gone wrong.
Bad beer just happens. It ends up tasting
like vinegar. Or piss.
Take good records of what youve
done along the way. If you dont and
then you make something great or bad
you wont know how to do it again. Slowly,
you work out what works and what doesnt.
Beer is all about sharing. Getting your
friends and family together. I really enjoy
that part of it making beer for parties
and people around my house.
I did my rst brews in our kitchen,
which you couldnt swing a cat in.
It was eight feet by eight feet. You just
need enough space for a 25 litre tub.
You can have good beer that you
can sell at a party within a week
with a pretty low skill level. You dont
need to know about biology or chemistry.
But if you want to start being clever, thats
what takes the hard work.
The best bit about brewing?
Walking into a pub, sitting at the bar and
seeing someone buy your beer and enjoy
it. Thats so pleasing for me.
086

March 2015

First
steps

Step one
You need to have
an appreciation of
beer. But thats the
fun part. Just drink
loads of it different
types and styles and
work out what you
enjoy and what youd
like to produce.

Step two
hang around some
breweries. Were a
friendly, open bunch.
People arent funny
about recipes, its
collaborative. rock up
and talk beer with your
local brewer. Theyll
love to talk to you.

Step three
have a look at the
kits, or decide whether
you want to bosh one
together yourself.
You can buy yourself
a homebrew kit from
upwards of 100.
www.cratebrewery.com

Could you...

Start your
own record
label?
>Jamie Russell and his business partner Alex Jones, 34, launched
dance music label Hypercolour in 2006. After years of hard slog
(and some hard raving), its now thriving, with releases from the
likes of Groove Armada, Laurent Garnier and Maya Jane Coles.
It was all spawned through going to parties. We never
imagined wed be successful. I would account a huge part
of whats happened with the label to going out and getting
smashed, really. We were all inspired on the danceoor.
The most important part of running a label is that you
need to obsess about music. Your obsession will take you out
to gigs and raves where you might meet a band you want to sign
or a producer you want to put out tracks with. It will make you dig
deep for music and expand your tastes.
Im an avid collector of email
addresses. Anyone who emails you who
is music-related, keep their email address
and put it in a list. I still do that now. Soon
enough youll have a database or community
of people to tell about your music.
Invest as much of your free time as
possible into telling the world about
your releases. If you dont shout about

First
steps

them, how are people supposed to know they are there to

consume? Make sure everyone youre working with is always
reposting your stuff on Twitter and Facebook. It comes gradually.
Be prepared to put your hands into your own pockets
to make an investment. And be prepared to risk losing money.
Youll have to learn to take beatings to your ego. You may
think that what youre doing is amazing, but someone else may
well think its a pile of shit. If youre sensitive, it might not be a
good idea to set up a record label.
Getting DJ Mags Best Label award was a real moment.
It was tangible. My mums pretty old school, but when she saw
that, and it was nice and shiny and silver, she thought it must
mean I was doing alright with my life.
Step one
Find some mates or
mates of mates who
are making music.
That can be a really
good start, as long
as you believe in the
music theyre making.

Step two
Go online and nd a
distribution company
that already releases
the kind of music you
like, then approach
them with the music
you want to release.

Step three
Find a good PR
company. Its all very
well releasing a record,
but the right people
need to be talking
about it. It wasnt until
our 15th or so release
that we realised that.

087

Could you...

Invent
something
thats life
changing?
>Everyones got an idea for an amazing, revolutionary invention that will land them a vast
sum of money. Kristian Tapaninaho used the crowdsourcing app Kickstarter to fund his
own awesome, portable pizza oven, the Uuni. Its been a massive, bloody success.
It was around 2010 when I started
getting obsessed with making pizza.
The oven in our house wasnt cutting it,
and I wanted to get a big outdoor pizza
oven. But we were renting at the time,
and I didnt want to spend thousands on
an oven we couldnt take with us. I couldnt
believe there wasnt a small wood-red
oven. I thought that if I can make one, there
will be other people looking for one too.
Ive had a lot of fantastic ideas
over the years. But 99.9% of those
have never gone beyond ve minutes
of thinking about them.
I made this prototype a weird
monster of a pizza oven. I built it out
of breeze blocks, all sawn up. But it actually
worked! and it made one of the best pizzas
Ive ever tasted. I got it ring up to 450c,
an incredible amount of heat twice that
of a domestic oven. Thats when I thought
it could be a mass-market product.
I got in touch with a local metal
workshop. They usually make garden

First
steps

088

March 2015

Step one
To make sure your
idea isnt crap, make
a short presentation.
In it, show what the
problem is youre
solving, what the
current competition
is, how much it would
cost and who would
buy it. Then pitch it
to your closest friends
and family.

gates, but they were happy to fabricate

a prototype for me after I showed them
my drawings.
Inventing something is just a series
of little problems. a series of little
problems that you have to solve.
I knew I wanted to use Kickstarter
to launch the product. It just seemed
like a really good way to show it to people.
Like a sanity check does anybody else
actually want this thing? Then I realised
that they did. But, at that stage, you really
have to make it work!
I used this really easy software
called SketchUp. It allows you to draw
your own 3D models. You pick it up in
ve minutes. Its great.
Logistics is a pain in the arse.
We got that wrong early on. We spent
a lot of money sending orders by air mail.
I took the rst oven from the
manufacturers, all boxed up, to
my parents. We red it up, and that
was quite magical.

Step two
Produce a minimum
viable product that
means rene and
consider the core
of the product and
whether it will work.
Look at the original
iPhone no 3G, no
GPS, a measly two
megapixel camera, no
video. It still disrupted
the computing market.

Step three
You need to test and
improve to evaluate
how good the product
is. Does it work? Do
you think someone
would pay money for
it? Then go back and
make it better.
Order yourself one
of Kristians bad boys
at uuni.net

Could you...

How to
harness the
power of
crowdsourcing
Charlie Lyne, 34, got his
brilliant documentary
Beyond Clueless which
is about the recent history
of teen movies funded on
Kickstarter. Heres how he
did it...
I couldnt recommend
crowd-funding highly
enough. Its more or less
the only way you can get
into making a project
yourself straight away. The
best thing about it is that it
can tell you whether youre
making something that
people actually want. It
really reassured us.
We were totally upfront
with people. We werent
afraid to show our passion.
They knew that all the
money would go directly
towards that.
The video is important.
But its probably a lot more
important that people get
an idea of you and why you
want to make this project.
Some of the most effective
Kickstarter projects havent
had the ashiest video.
Theyre just full of passion.
When people start
giving you money, it
just feels so
unbelievable. You cant
believe that people really
have that condence in
what youre trying to do.
Then you realise you have
a massive commitment to
them. Our target was
9,500, and we got to
12,000. We managed to
nish the whole lm with
almost that exact amount.
Its been a complete
dream.

089

GUIDE TO BAKING
Its happened: baking,
long considered the
preserve of depressed
housewives, has nally
been recognised as
manly. Come with
us as we get to grips
with the world of
ery ovens, crunching
crusts and oury
buttocks

With expert
tips from
the Great
British Bake
offs
richard Burr

090

MONTH 2014

Photography: Dan Matthews

Food Styling: Jack Sargeson

THE JOY OF DOUGH

Max Tobias, 30-year-old co-founder of The Dusty Knuckle Bakery in London, on why every man needs a bit of our power in his life.

IF

you think baking is just a hobby for bored housewives,

come and spend a day in my kitchen youll end
up eating your words as well as my bread. Because
baking is manly. It requires strength and sweat. Its
a race against the clock. You have to dominate the
dough or it will dominate you. Bottom line: its not
for the faint of heart. But put in the hard work and
the nished loaf will repay you 10 times over.
More than that, there is something magical about baking bread,
like alchemy. Watching the transformation from a lifeless, white
powder into a delicious, nutritious, chewy and light substance that
we rely on and have done since the dawn of civilization. I love the
fact that it is such an ancient craft yet still so relevant today. It has
been the keystone of humankinds evolution over the past 10,000
years, from the Egyptians to the Greeks to the Romans to us.
Theres another reason I love baking: its the perfect combination
of selshness and generosity. I love eating the bread that I bake,
how it feels and how it smells. But more than that, I love giving

BAKING BREAD:
THE BASIC PROCESS
MIXING Combining all your bits
in a bowl. The our, yeast, salt and
butter are going to do some really
awesome things together.

bread to people. Because eating bread, more than any other food,
is a social activity, ingrained in our culture. Its no mistake that we
have so many related expressions in our language it's his bread
and butter, breaking bread and stealing bread from his mouth.
One of the toughest, but most rewarding, elements of being a
baker is getting up before dawn six days a week. There is nothing
more magical than kneading a lump of dough at sunrise, golden
light streaming into your kitchen. Its just you, the bread and the
binmen clattering outside. You feel like youre ahead of the game,
watching the world wake up and begin its day when youre already
halfway through yours.
And that cold beer never tasted better than at 1pm when your
work is nally done. Better still, at that time of day, you can always
get a seat in the pub.
The Dusty Knuckle Bakery is an award-winning social enterprise
in North London that aims to work with youth offenders as well
as the long-term unemployed

A GOOD MIXER WILL BE

YOUR BUDDY

A Sage mixer, which is part of

Heston Blumenthals range, is a great,
comparatively cheap alternative to the
stylish but teeth-grittingly expensive
KitchenAid appliances. It makes the mixing
part of your baking odyssey a doddle.
Sage Scraper Mixer Pro, 299

KNEADING Pressing and pulling

the dough. There is an art to this. An
art you should learn (see page 92).
PROOFING Letting the dough rise
like a glorious, sludgy phoenix.

Where the
magic happens

BAKING Sticking it in a nice hot

oven (usually about 220F) for half
an hour to 40 minutes.

SEPARATION ANXIETY
Make sure you keep salt and yeast apart,
says our expert. When mixing your
ingredients together during bread-making,
always add the salt and yeast to opposite
sides of the bowl as the salt can kill the
yeast. Like when you were a kid and poured
salt on a poor slug. It dries it right out.

091

MIXMASTER, BAKE FASTER

The rst part of the process mixing
the basic ingredients together is easier
to screw up than most people realise.
Ive always been a fan of using cold
water in my mix. If you use cold water and
then keep it at room temperature, your
bread will have a richer, deeper avour,
says Richard.
Add a bit of brown sugar to your bread
mix. If youre making bread or sourdough,
a little bit of sugar brings that avour right
out. It gives the yeast something to eat
and grow on as well.

AFTER-OVEN LOVIN

You thought that the moment youd taken

your creation out of the oven, it was all
over? Not so fast. Richard says: As soon
as you take anything bread-based out of
the oven, put it on a wire rack. If you put it
on a at surface, the rest of the steam
evaporates out of the bread, leaving it
soggy at the base.
And listen to the crackle as it cools.
Thats the sound of the bread contracting.
Its a beautiful sound that lets you know
youve done a good job. Its meant to crackle.
Also, dont cut it straight away. Even
though it looks like bread, its not quite. Have
self-control and let it rest for half an hour,
then tuck in. If you cut it when its too hot,
itll still be soft and gooey in the middle.

NEED-TO-KNOW KNEADING

Pushing and pulling your dough about is perhaps the manliest part of baking. Youre basically
ghting your food. Dont kid yourself into thinking you can just wing it, though. There is an art to
pummelling your paste. Dont be afraid to knead and knead and knead. Under-kneaded bread is
always horrible, but youre never going to have a problem with over-kneaded bread.
Everyone has their own style of kneading. Im a great believer in punching the heel of my palm
into it and stretching it across the table. I stretch it away with my palm, then fold it in and twist it,
says the Bake Off nalist. To check if your dough is kneaded enough, pull out a piece of dough
between your hands. It should be able to stretch to 20cm without breaking.
The most important thing to remember is to make sure that you stretch your bread and then
fold it over. And stretch it again. As long as youre doing that, whichever direction youre doing it
in, youre good for kneading.
Once you feel like youve nished kneading, just do it for an extra ve minutes to be sure.
It doesnt hurt in fact, it can only help make the bread better and it keeps you t to boot.

THE HOUR IS
FLOUR
OVEN-HOT STYLE

Stomping around your kitchen, throwing

up white clouds of our and pummelling
dough is hard work. But you can still look
like a dude while youre at it. This apron tells
any visitor to your baking lair that you are the
man and you are denitely in control. Even
when youre holding a tray of dainty scones.
Argos, 4.99

092

MARCH 2015

A stockpile of (mostly) white

powdery stuff is a must if you want
to become a master breadsman
(not a real job description). So let's
get to know your artillery.

Stoneground
The fact this stuff
hasnt been ground in
an industrial process
means it hasnt been
exposed to as much
heat. Which is a good
thing, because it means
more of the nutrients
will stay intact.

Spelt
An ancient grain indeed.
Spelt wheat has been
harvested for thousands
of years and is now
enjoying a comeback
thanks to its healthy
properties. The fact it's
got gluten in it means
its great for baking.

Malted
A type of wholegrain
our which is good
for making all kinds of
fancy bread. It comes in
lots of different varieties
get the roasted type,
which is really dark, for
fruity rolls and bagels. If
thats your type of thing.

Buckwheat
This is our milled from
a plant that's similar to
rhubarb and grows in
cold climates. Its got
pointy seeds that look
like cereal grains and
has a sour, nutty taste.
Low-cal and gluten-free,
health freaks love it.

THE
PERFECT
WHITE
LOAF
(IS PRETTY EASY)
This is where it all begins. The crusty cornerstone of your baking empire.
Creating your own humble loaf is an addictive process. Youll be holding
it, warm and fragrant, in your hands, and all youll be able to see is its
minuscule aws, making you desperate to have another go. Because your
next loaf? Thatll be the one.
Richard says: You should never try to rush a loaf; youve got to be nice
to the dough. Take your time. Dont feel obliged to mix anything up with
your ngers either. I see it on TV all the time, people sticking their ngers
in it, getting their ngers all covered in our and water. But as a builder,
Ive always been encouraged to not get my ngers dirty. So I dont. I use a
wooden spoon and, weirdly enough, my bread turns out absolutely great.

BATHE YOUR BREAD

Put a tray with some water
at the bottom of the oven
before putting the bread in.
This creates a steam bath
in the oven which helps the
bread develop a lighter crust
and prevents it from tearing.

GO TO BROWN TOWN
Dont be afraid of browning your loaf. One
thing people are always terried of is a little
bit of colour. They freak out and whip it out
the oven. Dont. You want a lovely, crispy crust.
093

LARD UP
For pork pie pastry, I use hot water crust pastry.
If you do this, make sure you use a mix of butter
and lard, not just butter by itself. Lard gives you
a brilliant texture and structure, and Ive heard its
actually quite good for you. Making the pastry is
a doddle just mix the our and water in a large
bowl and heat the lard with the butter in another.
Then stir it all together."

PORK PIES
WILL MAKE
YOU HAPPY
094

MARCH 2015

A pork pie is basically the

perfect vehicle for getting as much
sausage meat into a bit of pastry
as you can, says Richard. Cut the
meat and herb it dont be afraid
of over-herbing a pork pie. The
herbier the better. When you make
a pork pie, make a massive one
its easier and you can turn it into
a gala pie by sticking eggs in it.

Whatever you do, dont try to

do it in one sitting if you want
a pork pie with jelly in it, you need
to ll it and let it set overnight.
Always leave a hole in the
pastry at the top of the pie. This
will do two things. First, it lets the
steam out of the pie when it cooks.
Without it, the pie will explode and
youll end up with a perfectly edible,

but un-pie-like, meaty mush.

Second, it will allow you to pour
your jelly inside to ll the gaps.
Making the jelly for the pie
is surprisingly easy. I always use
leaf gelatine, which you can buy
in any supermarket. Flavour it
with ham or chicken stock and
pour it into the hole in the top of
the pie, then wait for it all to set.

ThIS BOOK WILL

BE YOUR BIBLE

Flour Water Salt Yeast by

Ken Forkish (bonus points
for a name that sounds like
the punchline of a cookingrelated joke) has everything
you need to hit the ground
(or kitchen oor) running.
Its basically an awesome
chemistry text book for
bakers, clueing you up on
all the weird science-y things
youll need to know if you
want to really get bread.

AND A FEW MORE

FOR GOOD MEASURE
River Cottage
Handbook
No.3: Bread
by Daniel Stevens
Sixty brilliant recipes.
Everything from potato bread and
ciabattas to naan and pizzas.

NOT ALL CAKES NEED ICING

INTRODUCING MONKEY BREAD

How To Bake
by Paul
Hollywood
The big silverback
of the baking world
takes you under his muscular
wing and shares some of his
nely-honed skills.

Being a builder, says Richard. Im pretty much pathologically addicted to doughnuts. Monkey bread
is basically a giant pile of doughnuts stuck together, which you cook in a cake tin.
You make lots and lots of small doughnuts and roll them in cinnamon and sugar so they get
covered and then you bake them. When you eat it, you pull them off in chunks. The cooked sugar
that holds the whole thing together can be pulled apart really easily its so satisfying. You could
pour almost an entire bottle of maple syrup on there too, then serve it with some ice cream.
My main tip would be to make the doughnuts small. If you make them too big, they wont cook
from the inside-out, like theyre supposed to.

Short & Sweet

by Dan Lepard
You might not have
heard of Dan Lepard,
but every baker in
the country denitely
has. When it comes to anything
sticky and sugary, this guy
knows his stuff.

MAKING ThE DOUGhNUTS

Sieve 500g our and

1tsp baking soda into
a bowl and mix in 70g
butter and 70g sugar.
Beat together an egg and
260ml milk. Combine both
mixtures to form a dough.

Roll out your dough

on a well-oured surface
to about 1cm thickness,
then cut into ring shapes.
Fry the shapes in hot
oil for 30 seconds, then
turn them over and cook

them for a further

30 seconds until they
are golden brown.
Drain the doughnuts
on some kitchen paper
until theyre cool, then
roll them in sugar.
095

THE KIT

PROVE YOUR WORTH

Let your dough prove in a banneton basket it
will help keep the shape of the dough, as well
as improve the crust of your loaves. And who
doesnt want to improve their crust? We like
Andrew James basket, because it looks nice.
Andrew James banneton, 19.99, amazon.co.uk

Nigella Lawson
measuring jug, 21

Nigella Lawson mixing

bowls, 33.25

Nigella Lawson
measuring spoons,
51/8.50
Bitossi egg
timer, 28
Le Creuset cake tins, 20

John Lewis mesh our

shaker, 8

John Lewis
rolling pin, 18

Le Creuset
mufn tray, 18

WHAT THE HELL

IS SOURDOUGH?
You might have heard
about it. On the other hand,
you might have absolutely
no idea what it is. Sourdough
bread basically comes from
a sourdough starter a special
yeast starter that makes really
rich-avoured bread. Its bloody
lovely. But sourdough scares
most amateur bakers because
096

MARCH 2015

you have to maintain and nurture

it. Its almost like having a pet.
I reckon it helps to give
your yeast starter a name. Ive
killed so many over the years,
I suspect that if Id named
them, I would have probably
nurtured them more. Jordan
from The Great British Bake
Off named his one Yorick,
and he talked to it hes really
affectionate with his sourdough.
Keep it warm and keep an
eye on it. If youve got an airing
cupboard or a warm spot in your
house, keep it in there. And just
keep an eye on it. They just have
to be looked out for, fed every
now and again and not forgotten
about. If youve got a yeast
starter, then youve basically
signed yourself up for making
sourdough regularly, for a while.
Its a commitment. Sourdoughs
for life, not just for Christmas.

EGGS ARE NOT COOL AIR IS YOUR ENEMY

Keep your eggs out of the
fridge. I would never use cold
eggs for anything; eggs should
never be kept in the fridge as far
as Im concerned. Its the density
of the yolk versus the white. Ive
never stored eggs in a fridge.
My old man keeps chickens and
weve always got eggs ying
around. Tell anyone who puts
eggs in the fridge not to.

GET FILTHY RICH

Want something rich and
full-on, like a Chelsea bun?
Then add warm milk to your
mixture to make an enriched
dough. The fat in the milk slows
down the action of the yeast, so
warming it balances this out.

When your dough has risen

up, youll need to get the air
bubbles out or youll end up
with a giant hole in your bread.
This is called knocking back.
Theres nothing worse than
when you cant spread butter
on your bread because youve
got a great big hole in the middle
of your slice. To stop that from
happening, youll need to fold it
over itself over and over again
until it becomes similar to your
unproofed dough.
Take the dough out of the
bowl and put it on a lightly
oured surface and fold it
repeatedly in on itself using
the heels of your hands, until
it is smooth and all the air has
been knocked out of it. That
should do the trick.

SPACE IS
THE PLACE
Always tidy up as you go.
It takes moments to cover
every single inch of your
counter top and theres
nothing worse than taking
something hot out of the
kitchen and having to do
a dance around the hob,
balancing crap on top of
each other, trying to nd
a place to put it.

BASEBALL GAME-STYLE
PRETZELS ARE WITHIN YOUR GRASP
Everyone in the world can agree on pretzels. No one in the history of
time has ever said no pretzels for me, thanks. They have the power to
bring buddies together, reignite romances and perhaps even end wars.
There are two secrets to making a killer pretzel, says Richard. The rst one
is getting loads of brown sugar in your mix to balance out the salt, which youll
use both in the dough and to pour on in the form of lovely rock salt at the end.
The second tip is, once youve made the pretzels and twisted them, which
is pretty easy to gure out, you have to boil them quickly in an alkaline solution.
You need to put maybe three or four tablespoons of bicarbonate of soda in
a pot and quickly ash-boil your pretzels before you cook them. Thats whats
going to give them the brilliant shiny outer edge that everyone loves.
097

S U B S C R I P T I O N S

Like
?
Like saving loads of money?
Then you need to treat
yourself!

12 issues
Fo

22!
For less than 2 per issue, you can get an entire year
of FHM delivered straight to your door and pushed
lovingly through your letter box. So no more trekking
all the way to the newsagents for mind-blowing
reading material.

Its great to be a man.

Subscribe at fhm.com/subs
or call 01858 438884
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TERMS AND CONDITIONS: THIS OFFER IS AVAILABLE TO NEW UK SUBSCRIBERS PAYING BY DIRECT DEBIT ONLY. AFTER THE FIRST 12 ISSUES, PRINT-ONLY AND DIGITAL-ONLY SUBSCRIPTIONS
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03/15
Fila was founded
in 1911 in Biella,
Northern Italy

CASUALS

#THROWBACK THURSDAYS
Or any day of the week for that matter. You dont
need a hashtag as an excuse to get yourself kitted out in
retro-inspired sportswear; this is a trend thats going from
strength to strength and one we thoroughly approve of.
Ellesse and Umbro have some new gear out for spring/
summer but were most excited about Scotts exclusive
drop of a fresh Fila collection. The high-street store has
100

MARCH 2015

got its stylish mitts on some of the brands classic pieces,

from towelling tops to short shorts. Pair with a bucket
hat and some Happy Mondays on your Walkman (OK,
iPhone) and youll be Bez-dancing to the shops quicker
than you can shake a maraca (thats probably one to
Google if you were born this side of 94). Top, 60;
t-shirt, 25; shorts, 40, all Fila at scottsmenswear.com

TIMEPIECES

CALL THE
POLICE

A waxy texture:
classy and
bloody useful

Thats exactly what

we did, to congratulate
the brand on its new
collection of simple,
classy wrist watches.
We love the metallic
faces, the choice of
straps and the way
they make our wrists
800% sexier.

INVEST

ON YOU R B I K E
MA.STRUM is fast becoming the must-have
brand for any discerning bloke. This British
specialist in technical apparel has come up
trumps yet again, but this time with the nations
ever-growing number of cyclists in mind. The

79

MA.STRUM design team has made a high-tech

jacket to keep you dry and sweat-free thats
also good enough to wear on a date. You need
never tell her your uro mountain bike is parked
round the back. Jacket, 300, mastrum.com

UPGRADE

F R A NKS GE T T IN G I T RI G H T
tee and a checked annel shirt. It will give off that
I just threw this on vibe, and still look good even
though you might have spent close to an hour
moving a bit of your hair backwards and forwards
in the mirror. (l-r): Blue telford, 65; brown barts,
59; grey barnet, 75, all frankwrightshoes.com

79

PHOTOGRAPHY: MARCO VITTUR

Frank Wright: our go-to brand for quality, Britishmade, smart-casual shoes. Having trouble nailing
that dapper-but-not-too-fussy-footwear-for-work
conundrum? Then Franks canvas brogues are your
answer. For a relaxed night out, try teaming up
low-cut moccasins with light jeans, a white cotton

169
all from
watchshop.com
101

ARE FOR TH
P
E
E
PR

ADVENTURE
FHM treks to the top of the French Alps
to share a day in the life of a guy who
lives, breathes and works skiing

Jonno
Jacobs

Photography: Dom Fleming

Styling: Daisy Deane

102

MARCH 2015

7AM
I start the day with a
black coffee a must
to wake up any man
in the mountains.

THIS PAGE: HAT, 28, PATAGONIA.COM.

JACKET, 170, AIGLE.COM.
SHIRT, 64.99, ALTAMONT AT
SURFDOME.COM.
TOP, 20, FRENCHCONNECTION.CO M.
TROUSERS, 30, RIVERISLAND.COM.
SHOES, 220, PAULSMITH.CO.UK

103

7.20AM
I pack my backpack with
the essentials I need for my
journey up Mont Blanc, the
most dangerous mountain
in the world.

104

THIS PAGE: BLANKET, 29.99, BERSHKA.COM. COAT, POA, CANADA GOOSE AT FLANNELS.COM. HEADPHONES, 39, URBANEARS.COM. WATCH, 285, LUMINOX AT WATCHSHOP.COM.
KEY RING, 29, SUIGENERIC AT COUVERTUREANDTHEGARBSTORE.COM. HAT, 18, PASSENGER-CLOTHING.COM. SUNGLASSES, 16, CHEAP MONDAY AT URBANOUTFITTERS.COM.
BRACELET, 12, ICON BRAND AT URBANOUTFITTERS.COM. PENKNIFE, 70, VICTORINOX AT BLACKS.CO.UK. CAMERA, 160, FUJIFILM INSTAX MINI AT URBANOUTFITTERS.COM.
BAG, 60, PATAGONIA.COM
MARCH 2015

THIS PAGE: HAT, 28, PATAGONIA.C OM.

GILET, 70, PATAGONIA.C OM.
JACKET, 60, VANS.COM.
TROUSERS, 213, TREW AT SURFDOME.C OM

8.30AM
Then I board the rst train of
the day that takes me from
Chamonixs old train station
to the glaciers of snowy
Mont Blanc.

105

9AM
Once I arrive at the top
of the mountain, Im
ready for some prime ski
time before the slopes
get too overcrowded.

1PM
After four solid hours of
back-country skiing on
my man-made skis, I
weave my way down the
perfect powder to the
village for a bite to eat.

106

MARCH 2015

THIS PAGE: HAT, 18, PASSENGER-CLOTHING.COM.

JACKET, 685, G-LAB.COM.
SCARF, 22, DUCKANDCOVER.CO.UK.
SUNGLASSES, 115, RAY-BAN AT LUXOTTICA.COM.
GLOVES, 45, OAKLEY.COM.
TROUSERS, 135, BURTON.COM.
JUMPER, 25, OPENSTORES.CO.UK.
BOOTS, 119, CATFOOTWEAR.COM

2PM
Then I head to my
workshop where I
design, hand-make and
paint my wooden skis
before sending them off
to have the nal xtures
added on.

THIS PAGE: (ABOVE) FLEECE, 140, PATAGONIA.COM.

JUMPER, 100, AIGLE.COM.
TROUSERS, 24, TOPMAN.COM
(BELOW) HAT, 35, SATTALIVING.COM.
JUMPER, 155, EVISU.COM.
JOGGERS, 30, BELLFIELDCLOTHING.COM.
TRAINERS, 60, LECOQSPORTIF.COM

5.30PM
I nally relax and
take a sip of a well
earned beer at Aprs
ski lodge.

107

FLIP YOUR LID

THE DILEMMAS OF MAN

CAN I ROCK
A TRICKY
TREND?
Theres a ne line between
fearless fashion pioneer and
accidental laughing stock.
Tread carefully with these
hard-to-pull-off looks

Push the boat out with a 5 panel

snapback in simple colours. You
best think seriously about ipping
it backwards if youre over 30
though (Fred Durst, take note).

CONCENTRATE ON THE
FINER DETAILS

DONT LET YOUR JEWELLERY

WEIGH YOU DOWN

If youre struggling to lift your

arms then youre probably
wearing too much bling.
Saying that, a few wellchosen accessories can go a
long way. Try simple sterling
silver jewellery like a band
ring to give a rockier edge to
your denim combo look.

Huge ornate embroidery is a

no-no, but little details like
badges or a pocket patch
break up a look. Youll be
looking like a dapper This Is
England extra in no time.

DONT BE A DOUBLE
DENIM DOUGHNUT

Avoid the Shakin Stevens

vibe by separating your
top and bottom denims with
different shades. Opt for a dark,
heavy set of selvedge jeans,
teamed up with a pale indigo
thin denim shirt.

SAY NO TO SNAKESKIN

Justin Timberlake has never

lived down his 2001 cowboy
boots and double denim outt.
Stick to quality leather trainers
with a white sole; its the perfect
balance between casual
sneakers and a smart shoe.

108

MARCH 2015

Hat, 20, rascals.dk.

Shirt, 65, Elvine at
terracemenswear.co.uk.
Jeans, 54.99, Element at
routeone.co.uk.
Shoes, 110, Filling
Pieces at oki-ni.com

GET THE BASICS RIGHT

FASHION
CRIMES
TO AVOID
FOR LIFE

LEATHER SHORTS
Admit it: you cant even read
the words without thinking
of sweaty balls.

CORDUROYS
Do: Swap your everyday jeans for this old-school classic. Wear with an oversized tee, skate shoes and
a beanie, and youve got yourself a winning weekend outt.
Dont: Wear with moccasins, unless youre trying to blag a bus pass or senior discount at the cinema.
RED CORDS, 55, CHEAPMONDAY.COM. BEIGE CORDS, 85, DOCKERS.COM. BLUE CORDS, 55, HOWICK AT HOUSEOFFRASER.CO.UK. GREEN CORDS, 45.50, WEARETUKTUK.COM

SNAPBACKS
Do: Add a 5 panel cap to a smart outt.
Combined with an Oxford button-down shirt
and slim chinos, this is denitely a strong look.
Dont: Wear it resting on the crown of your
noggin. It didnt work for boy bands circa 2010,
so it certainly wont work now.
(L-R CLOCKWISE): 25, 47BRAND.CO.UK; 28, NEWERACAP.CO.UK; 30, KNOWNWORLDWIDE.COM;
16, JAMAL EDWARDS X AMERICAN FRESHMAN AT TOPMAN.COM

ALICE BANDS
David Beckham
couldnt pull
these off, so
neither can you.
No matter how
long and in-youreyes your hair is.
DROP-CROTCH
TROUSERS
If you can t a small
dog in your gusset
with ease, your
trousers are too
baggy goddamn it.

WOMENS
PANTIES
OK, if you must.
Just dont let
the little bow
ride above
your jeans
like last time.

(L-R CLOCKWISE): 110, ORIGINALPENGUIN.CO.UK; 89, PEREGRINECLOTHING.CO.UK; 95, TEDBAKER.COM;

149, UNIVERSALWORKS.CO.UK

JEWELLERY
Do: Venture outside your comfort zone with a signet ring. If it was good enough for Frank Sinatra, its
good enough for you. Team it with a at cap and braces, Peaky Blinders-style, if youve got serious balls.
Dont: Go over the top with the chains. Layering a few thick necklaces like Johnny Depp looks OK,
but go easy with the pirate memorabilia.

DISNEY FROZEN
T-SHIRT
You might be a fan
of the lm, but
no man ever
needs to be
complimented
on their style
choice by a
9-year-old girl.

(L-R): BRASS BRACELET, 8.50, TOPMAN.COM. SILVER BRACELET, 6, RIVERISLAND.COM. SILVER CHAIN, 10, CHEAP MONDAY AT URBANOUTFITTERS.COM. GOLD PENDANT, 10, TOPMAN.COM. SIGNET RINGS (L-R CLOCKWISE):
8, ASOS.COM; 10, ASOS.COM, 100, SERGEDENIMES.COM; 5, RIVERISLAND.COM. SILVER PENDANT, 150, SERGEDENIMES.COM. BRACELETS, 85 EACH, CHLOBO.CO.UK

109

PHOTOGRAPHY: MARCO VITTUR

CARDIGANS
Do: Slip a stylish cardie over a plain white tee
or polo shirt. This sharp mod look is one that
nobody is going to object to.
Dont: Wear it with a white shirt and black tie.
You are not some cheesy American dad. (If you
are, apologies. Keep rocking that look.)

RATS TAIL
Conjures up
images of
dodgy car dealers,
sewer dwelling
rodents and
worse still:
Ewan
McGregor
in Star
Wars: Episode 1.

135 aspinaloondon.com

PRODUCT

MONEY ON
MY MIND

17 riverisland.com

7.99 newlook.com

75 simoncarter.net

29.95 scotch-soda.com

JU DS
THREA

12 topman.com
110

MARCH 2015

30 bensherman.com

OR
BESTNFGLE

179 paulsmith.co.uk

The best pay packet of the year

after a tough few months calls for
splashing the cash on a new wallet

12 burton.co.uk

OR
BEST PFLE
SIM E
STYL

35 Herschel at lombres.com

OR
BEST ILFD

WHAT THE
STUFF IN YOUR
WALLET SAYS
ABOUT YOU
AMEX BLACK
CARD
You cant buy
happiness but
you can buy a
60ft yacht.
50 NOTE
Either youre
a builder or a
drug dealer (or
possibly both).
CROOKED DICE
Unbeaten Snakes
& Ladders champ,
in four cities.
TREASURE MAP
Youll never stop
believing

W S
NIGHT
OUT

A SPARE
BUTTON
Youre prepared for
anything, as long as
its button related.

53 Porter at oki-ni.com

NANDOS BLACK
CARD
You sneeze Peri
Peri, and poop
frozen yogurt.
YOUR PIN
NUMBER ON
A SCRAP OF
PAPER
Youre what
muggers refer
to as a jackpot.
FRUITY
FOREIGN
MONEY
You cant quite let
your gap year go.
NECTAR CARD
Youre only 350
big shops away
from a Pizza
Express voucher.
CONDOM
Your player
credentials are
somewhat damaged
by the fact its gone
past its sell-by date.

111

PHOTOGRAPHY: DANIEL BARNES

65 tedbaker.com

TRAINERS

LIFE AND SOLE

OF THE PARTY

67

LACOSTE.COM

January is over and habitual drinking has

once again become acceptable. Here are
the freshest creps to wear to any shindig

85

NEW BALANCE
AT SCHUH.CO.UK

SMATRET
DA S
KICK

89

SAUCONY
ORIGINALS AT
ENDCLOTHING.CO.UK

55

VANS.COM

112

MARCH 2015

R
DAPUPBE
P S
CREP

70

LECOQSPORTIF.COM

75

LUKE1977.COM

SNOW
HING
PLOUEGAKS
N
S

104.99

NIKE AT JDSPORTS.COM

64.50

ONITSUKA TIGER AT
WORKINGCLASSHEROES.CO.UK

PHOTOGRAPHY: MARCO VITTUR

290

RAF SIMONS
X ADIDAS AT
HERVIA.COM

113

GROOMING

BEAT THE ELEMENTS

Is the Baltic weather outside starting to take its toll on your
handsome mug? Protect your face with these quick xes
[02]

[01]

[03]

1. Blotchy red patches

Beat it with: the leaf of
an aloe vera plant
Time to say goodbye to
steaming baths and scorching
showers: spending an age in
hot water can suck the essential
oils and moisture from your skin.
Instead, limit yourself to 10
minutes splash time and try out
some soothing aloe vera. You
can buy it as a gel or you can
rub a leaf straight from the plant
pot onto your face (if youre
feeling new age-y).
114

MARCH 2015

2. Itchy dry skin

Beat it with: good old H2O
It seems like a given but not
enough of us do it; knocking
back water is going to be
your skins saviour in the colder
months. Sink 10 glasses a day
and your body will be thanking
you for it. Youll be less sluggish
and your skin wont feel as tight.
Top up with vitamin E-rich
moisturiser rubbed in, not
drunk for a baby-smooth mug.
LOral Moisturising Gel,
6.49, boots.com

3. Stinging chapped lips

Beat it with: olive oil
First things rst: even if your
lips feel dryer than Ryvita in the
desert, do not lick them. Saliva
dries them out even more and
can lead to infection or cold
sores. If you dont have quality
lip balm handy, try a swipe of
olive oil from your kitchen
cabinet. Not only is it good for
frying eggs, but itll keep your
lips hydrated, too.
Lip balm, 12, aesop.com

4. Patchy beard rash

Beat it with: a dapper scarf
The daily trek to work in the
freezing cold will wreak havoc
with your skin, especially after
your morning shave. Look for
a shaving gel crammed full of
vitamin C to help kick the beard
rash into touch. Going from
toasty houses to freezing
streets and back again causes
the most damage, so wrap up
outside and dont go loco on
the central heating at home.
Facial fuel, 14.50, kiehls.co.uk

PHOTOGRAPHY: MARCO VITTUR

[04]

CREDIT CREDIT

PRomoTIon

115

WIN AT LIFE

EDITED BY
JORDAN WALLER

ARE SPA DAYS

THE NEW LADS
WEEKEND?
FHM sent a trio of burly rugby pros to experience the terrifying
world of pedicures, facials and waxing. Is it all a load of girly
nonsense, or have guys been missing a trick?
PHOTOGRAPHY: FRED MACGREGOR

116

MARCH 2015

: Spa days

KILL YOUR SPOTS

PLAYERS CONFESSION:
I visit a male grooming place once a
month for a hair cut or beard trim and
I'll usually get some skin care stuff
while Im there. But it's not exactly a
facial I guess it's similar it's just
part of the beard trim process. Other
than that, I don't really do too much.
I lost a bet once and had to get my
chest waxed. It wasn't the greatest
experience and both the pain and being
so smooth wasn't nice. It's not for me.

PRO
TIPS

THE FIX: VITAMIN C FACIAL

As a man you probably pay little
attention to your skin (aside from
the moisturiser gift sets you got last
Christmas). Truth be told, it's probably
time you paid attention.
If we were to ask you to imagine
a facial right now, the chances are
that you will think of one of two things.
The rst would be something quite
reasonably described as Not Safe For
Work, and the second would be your
green-faced, cucumber-eyed girlfriend
lazing around with a towel wrapped
around her head like a Lenor-enthused
beehive. We're dealing with the latter,
although this specic facial treatment
doesn't involve either veggies nor
ambitious towel structures.
Elliot went for the Vitamin C Facial,
which is specically designed to x up
weather-beaten brows, world-weary

1. If you're applying your own mask at

home don't buy a generic one-x-all
mask. Its no use whacking on a
cream to x greasy foreheads if your
actual problem is that youre suffering
from aky face dandruff.

eyes and dried-up cheeks. It might

seem girly, but you could argue that
the fact you're even getting one is
testament to your own masculinity.
Or something like that.
The beauty therapists cleansed,
scraped, rubbed, massaged and
exfoliated Elliots face for all its
worth. Then they sprayed him with
a Ghostbusters-like steam gun
and squeezed every last bit of dirt
out of his face. Aside from the fairly
pathetic headband he had to wear, it's
one of the manliest facials you can get.
ELLIOTS FINAL THOUGHTS:
Im so relaxed I can hardly speak.
I didnt feel silly at all despite my
worries when they made me put
the headband on. It actually felt
quite manly, although Im sure it
didnt look it.

2. Test the mask on a smaller patch

of skin. Your face is one of the most
sensitive parts of your body. Youre
probably not allergic but its better
not to risk looking like youve had an
acid bath.

3. Wear gloves. Aside from protecting

your open pores from any toxins on
your hands, itll also ensure nutrients
are being absorbed into your face
rather than being embedded under
your ngernails.

117

PRIVET BODY NOTTING HILL AT PRIVETBODY.COM

ELLIOT DALY
Team: Wasps
RFC and
England Saxons
Position:
Outside centre
Age: 22

: Spa days

GET
SMOOTH
TOM LINDSAY
Team: Wasps RFC
Position: Hooker
Age: 27

PLAYERS CONFESSION:
I use an exfoliator and my girlfriend does
my nails for me sometimes, but I just sort
of sit there, watch TV and let her do it.
When I was younger though, my mum had
a beautician who would come round and
I got talked into giving waxing a try. I think
most guys do it more than you realise.

DITCH
DIRTY
HANDS
SAM JONES
Team: Wasps
RFC and the
Barbarians
Position:
Back row
Age: 23
PLAYERS CONFESSION:
I don't have a specic routine. I sometimes
moisturise but that's about it. My girlfriend
tries to get me to do other things but I
never really stick with anything. Its not
that I have a problem with spas going to
one as a couple is ne but you wouldn't
go as a group of lads. It's just not really
the archetypal boys day out is it? Plus
it's expensive, which would put me off.

that after dodgy shoes, dirty unkempt

hands and ngernails are one of the
biggest complaints women have about
men on rst dates. Sure, the whole idea
of a manicure or pedicure conjures up
images of Sex And The City but the reality
isn't so. Wonder why your mate Dave's
hands always look so soft and clean
despite his job working as a septic tank
inspector? Manicures. Its not just the
more metrosexual types we get coming
in for a manicure, says Notting Hills Privet
Body beauty salon owner Andy Penniceard.
We get everyone from builders to ofce
workers and athletes.
Sams nails were soaked in warm water
to make them soft, before being buffed and
clipped. Finally, his cuticles were pushed
back to reveal more of his nail.

THE FIX: MANICuRE

Hands. We've all got them and since
we sprouted opposable thumbs, they've
become invaluable to our entire survival
as a human race. And yet, when was the
last time you did anything to look after
them? Never, which isn't great considering

SAMS FINAL THOugHTS:

I didnt realise my hands could look so
clean and healthy. But would I do it again?
Probably not. Its a slight step too far and
a bit of a faff to do regularly. Plus Ill be
quite conscious about getting them muddy
at training tomorrow now

PRO
TIPS

118

1. Its better to trim your nails neatly

after theyve been softened by
soaking in warm water. Trimming
those talons after youve had a bath
will be a much easier experience.

MARCH 2015

2. Dont ignore your cuticles theyre

the gross bit of skin at the base of your
nails. Gently push the cuticle back on
a semi-regular basis; you wont notice
the difference, but your girlfriend will.

THE FIX: LEg WAX

According to Privet Body owner Andy
Penniceard, male waxing is one of the most
common treatments guys ask for. A lot of
guys get to a point where they have hair
growing in places where it wasn't before.
Backs, shoulders, nostrils, ears and all that.
It can really affect your condence so it
makes sense theyd want to sort it out.
Sure, your rst times going to feel a
bit awkward but if you're worried about
waking up one morning to a full-on
Sasquatch clinging to your back then it's
worth sucking it up and sorting a wax.
That said, it isnt a wholly pain-free
treatment. The experience ranges from
a slight twinge to a holy-bollocks-kill-menow kind of pang, depending on which
part of your body youre getting done
and how much of a wimp you are.
Tom opted for a full leg wax a
popular treatment for athletes: it
makes them more streamlined (Olympic
swimmers), theyre less likely to have
hairs ripped out when removing strapping
(rugby players) and it increases their
chance of getting a Versace underwear
deal (Cristiano Ronaldo). A full leg wax
takes around 20 minutes and will go
from your ankles to the terrifying, gooliegrazing inner thigh. A chest wax will take
around the same time, depending on
how hairy you are.
TOMS FINAL THOugHTS:
The inner thigh was pretty bloody
tender but it wasnt too bad. In rugby we
sometimes need to wear strapping and
Ill usually shave those parts. If Id have
known waxing was this practical before
Id probably just have done this instead

THE
FINAL
SAY
Stylist and writer
Becky Tanner-Rolf
tells you what
women really think
of your rough and
ready look
The scene is set:
the scented candles
are lit, its super
romantic, were
kissing but what
sweet hell is this?
Something that
could be mistaken
for an industrial
sander is making
its way up my thigh.
If youre not the
adventurer Indiana
Jones, then there is
no excuse for those
calloused palms.
We ladies often
say we like guys
rough and ready.
Ill let you in on a
secret: we just mean
ready. I dont want to
be waiting an hour
for the bathroom,
but equally I dont
want to share a bed
with the Gruffalo. Im
not saying I want my
local spa invaded
by permatanned
metrosexuals, but
if Im going to spend
15 minutes in agony
to avoid the 70s
muff, the least you
can do is lose the
Ron Jeremy ball fro.
Ill be honest: if
youre late for a
date because your
mani-pedi ran over, I
will call you princess
for the rest of the
night. But in the long
run, Id rather have
a freshly groomed,
super-soft gent
than a hairy lad.

PRO
TIPS
1. Exhale just before each strip is
ripped from your bare esh to
make the pain slightly more bearable.

2. Avoid doing it at home alone

unless you know what youre doing.
Especially if you want to avoid
disgusting ingrown hairs or, worse,
a spaghetti Bolognese-style rash.

3. Dont rub lotion or any other

pore-clogging chemicals in to your
waxed bits afterwards. Itll irritate your
skin and cause spots if its the wrong
stuff. Stick to lukewarm water.

119

: Adventures

Survive a
great American
whiskey trail
From Kentucky to
Chicago, FHMs Chris
Sayer tries to last a
spirit-fuelled pilgrimage
to Americas nest
drinking holes

Visit a whiskey mecca

Drink this: Buffalo
Trace Bourbon
Even if you wake up
as jet-lagged as we
did after a 11-hour ight,
muster every ounce of
energy to visit Buffalo
Trace, the worlds most
award-winning distillery,
in Frankfort, KY. Get a
tour from mustachioed
old boy Fred, whos
armed with enough
history to turn you into
a bourbon pro. Lunch
is boozy we fell for
a bottle of Eagle Rare.
120

MONTH 2014

Know
before
you go
Travel
British Airways offers
return ights to
Chicago OHare from
516 return. Internal
ights to Lexington
Blue Grass cost
around 259 return.
Stay
FHM stayed at the
Hyatt Regency
Lexington and the
Hyatt Regency
Chicago. Expect to
pay $144 (about
95) a night when
booked in advance.
Drink
Grab a beer for
roughly $3.50
(around 2.30), but
dont forget to tip.

How
to drink
bourbon
differently
Shun the cola
and expand
your whiskey
horizons with
these mixers

Have your mind blown

by bourbon
Drink this: Stagg Jr Bourbon
When we die, scatter our ashes
on the bar at the Bluegrass
Tavern in Lexington, KY. Its
home to more than 230
bourbons one of the biggest
collections in the States a
killer jukebox and barkeeps
serving the best Old Fashioneds
on Earth. It was the perfect
distraction to the liquored-up
couple in the corner basically
having full sex all night.

PHOTOGRAPHY: ALAMY, GETTY, SHUTTERSTOCK. WORDS: CHRIS SAYER

Sober up with a pizza pie

Drink this: Anti-Hero IPA
Youve not done Chicago unless
youve fallen into a deep-pan
pizza coma at Ginos East. Kick
your bastard hangovers butt
with molten cheese, silky tomato
and meat thick enough to put
your thumb through, all served
and sliced in front of you by
jaw-droppingly hot waitresses.
Word of warning: its impossible
to nish one on your own.

Back a winner at the

Kentucky Derby
Drink this: quadruple whiskeys
Kentuckys calcium-rich water
is the reason for two of its most
famous exports: powerful
whiskey and powerful horses.
Although a welcome break from
bourbon, a racetrack was
probably the worst place to
discover that standard spirit
measures in the States are 50cl,
meaning each double that we
drank was actually a quadruple.
Every lost bet at the world-class
Keeneland Racecourse seemed
pretty unimportant after ve
whiskey mixers.

Ginger ale
A signature drink
of pre-Prohibition
America, the ginger
avour makes a
perfect partner for
your bourbons
sweet spices.

Green tea
Yup, sounds funky,
but since Japans
Yamazaki distillery
won a worlds best
whisky award in
2014, who are we
to argue with this
Asian favourite?

Get franken-drunk at The Aviary

Drink this: aming cocktail
Chicagos Aviary may rob you of every
dollar on you, but a peek behind the scenes
justies why they can charge $28 for a
drink. Theres an army of bofns working
to create the stuff of a drunken scientists
dreams, complete with test tubes, tiny
popping balls lled with rum and things
on re. And they have their own ice chef

Organise a piss-up in
a craft brewery
Drink this: Goose Island 312
Urban Wheat Ale
Thankfully, Lexingtons airport
is slap-bang next to Keeneland
Racecourse. So after stumbling
through security and on to our
ight to Chicago, theres plenty
of time to round things off with
a trip to the citys best craft
brewery: Goose Island.

Coconut water
The Brazilians are
all over whiskey
and coconut water,
creating a hug-ina-glass roasted
coconut taste.
121

: Tested

This guy knows a

good body when
he sees one

03

05
01

02

04

122

MARCH 2015

Which supermarket
wine is the best bang
for your buck?
We enlist the rened taste buds of wine expert and Vinoa CEO Cyrus
Tchahardehi to nd which off-the-shelf vinos have top-dollar taste

01

Sainsburys
House
Merlot
Sainsburys
4.50

The smell

The taste

The verdict

Its rather discreet on

the nose and doesnt
have much expression to
it, although that doesnt
always mean its a
bad wine

Pleasant enough, but there

isnt a lot of fruit there. Its
quite thin and has no
tannin, which is basically
the bitterness that balances
out the taste. Youd be
disappointed with this.

This is the type of wine

you buy when youre in
a rush. Youve grabbed
the rst reasonably priced
bottle youve laid your
eyes on, only to then
bemoan that its essentially
tasteless red water.

Price guess: 3.99

02

M Signature Vina
Eneldo Rioja
Reserva
Morrisons
5.99

This has a very interesting

aroma, although not really
in a good way. It smells
like its faulty.

PHOTOGRAPHY: CONOR SHEEHAN. GET YOUR OWN WINE TASTING EXPERIENCE AT VINOA.CO.UK. THANKS TO THE LEXINGTON INN

Marks &
Spencer
8.49

Excellent smoky notes.

Very pleasing.

Lidl
4.99

Good fruit concentration

that adds texture to the
acidity and tannin. Itd work
well with food. There are a
few things happening here;
its certainly pleasing.
Price guess: 6.99

04

Ctes de
Rhne

This opens up a little

bit, but there isnt really a
great deal happening to
talk about.

Theres a nice level of

tannin that works well
with the fruit tones. This
is a good wine and has
a very present acidity thats
nicely balanced with the
overall taste.
Price guess: 5.49

05

Asda Wine
Selection Chilean
Merlot,
Asda
4.50

Either weve managed to

freakishly stumble across
the only bad bottle in the
cellar, or the person that
made this is a sadist with a
love of mouth masochism.

Price guess: 3.49

03

Gold Label
Merlot

In this day and age, its

incredibly difcult to make
bad wine, but this is terrible.
It tastes like its been
chemically assembled.
Theres something wrong
with the batch.

Wow, this is really

expressive. Its clearly a
southern, warm-weather
wine. You can really feel
it on the nose.

Very pleasing. Id
recommend this to a friend
as its heads and shoulders
above the rest. The length
on the palate suggests
that its of great quality.
Its explosive.
Price guess: 7.99

A good quality wine thats

unlikely to disappoint but
doesnt necessarily live
up to its higher price point.
A little bit like a Marks
& Spencer version of
footballer Radamel Falcao.

On paper it probably seems

like the wine equivalent of
buying your girlfriend
owers from a petrol station,
but this is an excellently
priced bottle of wine that
nobody in their right mind
would call you up on.

A bottle of red that could

be right up there with the
best on the market.
Delicious nostril-hugging
aromas and punchy fruit
tastes thatll make you think
you shelled out some
serious dollars. The
supermarket bottle of kings.

123

: Expert

Sleep
like a log
Spend less time locked in mortal
combat with your pillow and
more of it in snooze town
Professor Adrian
J Williams is a
founding member
of The British
Sleep Foundation
and a consultant
at The London
Sleep Centre, Harley Street.
He has been studying sleep for
more than 40 years and literally
knows more about dozing than
you could ever dream of

Instead of going for a

serious page turner,
try reading short stories
such as Ernest Hemingways
Men Without Women
(5.99, amazon.co.uk)
02
01

YOURE PROBABLY
AN INSOMNIAC
If youre having
trouble falling asleep,
staying asleep or
waking up and still
feeling tired, then
thats insomnia.
Obviously its quite
subjective, but if this
is happening four or
more nights a week,
then you could be an
insomniac. Around
one in 10 people
suffer from the
condition and might
not even realise. Bad
sleep leaves you
feeling fatigued and
can affect cognition
throughout the day.

THERES NO
MAGIC NUMBER
Its a myth that
everybody should
have nine hours of
sleep every night.
The truth is that thats
an average across
society: 50% of
people may need
more and 50% of
people may need less.
So the actual range
is between four and
10 hours, depending
on the person. If you
feel great after just
four hours sleep, then
thats probably all that
you need

Hot water bottle,

4.99, Sainsburys

Flip alarm clock

by Lexon, 29,
ARIAShop.co.uk

124

MARCH 2015

04
03

NOD OFF WITH YOUR

NOSE IN A BOOK
We live in a 24/7
society where people
are constantly
exposed to too much
light in the evenings
from things like
computers and
smartphones. Using
brightly lit objects
such as these can
delay your body clock.
If you nd reading
helps you relax before
bed, try picking up a
real book instead of
getting out your iPad
or Kindle.

TURN OFF YOUR

BLUE LIGHT
Light exposure
automatically switches
off your melatonin
secretion, which is the
substance that you
make at night to help
you sleep. Blue light
is the main stimulus
of the body clock.
We often prescribe
blue-light treatment in
the mornings to shift
the body clock. But if
youre exposed to blue
light in the evening, it
will delay it. You can
actually get apps now
that block out blue
light so it affects you
less in the evening.

Boon Glo night

light, 59.99,
rebox.co.uk

Block out all the light

with a sleep mask
(30, amazon.co.uk)
or a blackout blind

Be a genius:
sleep like
one of the
greats

True Grace room

freshener, 32.95,
ARIAShop.co.uk
06
05

SEX AND SNOOZE

Too many people ll
their bedroom with
technology such as
televisions and
computers, or they
keep their smartphone
at a constant arms
length. Using your
bedroom for things
other than sleep and
sex distorts the idea
of what the bedroom
is for, and that
hampers your ability
to get into the right
mindset for sleep.

EXERCISE WONT
WIPE YOU OUT

07

You might think an

evening gym session
will burn off lots of
energy and wipe you
out for a good nights
sleep, but it actually
does the opposite.
It raises your body
temperature, which
can throw your body
clock, and also
generates adrenaline,
which will disturb
your sleep. Keep
your exercises to
the morning or late
afternoon so you can
read just before bed.

Winston Churchill
Britains war-winning PM
hit the hay at 5pm every
day for a two-hour nap,
claiming it allowed him
to get 1.5 days work
done in just 24 hours.

SLEEP WHEN
YOURE TIRED
Obviously its not
always realistic, but
you should only go to
bed when youre tired
and make sure that
you wake at a regular
time. Most insomniacs
spend too much time
in bed: they try to
sleep when theyre not
tired and just end up
lying there. Go to bed
when youre sleepy. If
youre awake tossing
and turning, you
shouldnt be in bed.
Get up and be
productive.

Salvador Dal
The artist encouraged
sleep-deprived creativity
by snoozing with a heavy
metal key in his hand,
which when dropped,
would wake him up.

Lamp, 117.50,
ARIAShop.co.uk

Get yourself a
comfy pillow to catch
those 40 winks
(ARIAShop.co.uk)

Charles Dickens
This author carried a
compass to ensure he
both wrote and slept
while facing north.
It didnt cure his
insomnia though
*FHM takes no
responsibility for injuries

caused by sleeping like

a lunatic.

125

PHOTOGRAPHY: MARCO VITTUR, SHUTTERSTOCK

Leonardo da Vinci
Artist, scientist and
inventor da Vinci
maintained his
productivity by sleeping
for 20 minutes every
four hours.

: Drive

The real
thing
02
01

Fancy a real drive in a

real car? Drop all the
namby-pamby tech help
and climb into Nissans
new speed machine

01

02

GET A GRIP
The integrated rear
spoiler will help keep
your arse on the road.

GET COMFY
Inside is just as luxe
as a standard 370Z.
No roll cage here!

Have you ever actually driven a car

before? Not just got behind the wheel
of one and made it to Tesco without killing
someone, but actually, properly driven a real
car. You see, cars these days arent really
about driving; theyre about technology.
Every new gadget built into modern cars
seems designed to remove the driver
from the experience of driving as much
as possible. Every automatic gizmo further
severs the drivers connection with the road
and the car itself. You only need to look
at Googles driverless motors to see drivers
icking through Tinder or having a snooze.
The art, and enjoyment, of driving is dying.
But there is an antidote: it comes in
a white wrapper with a big grin on its face.
Enter the 2015 Nissan 370Z Nismo
126

MARCH 2015

03

LOOK FANCY
Coloured exterior
scoops deliver a real
racecar look.

04

LIGHT UP THE ROAD

Standard LED lights
add to the massive
road presence.

THE BIG QUESTIONS

Ooh. Nice wheels. Are you sure this

is really a Nissan?
It is. When you think of a Nissan, you
probably think yummy-mummy SUV, but it
has a proud history of bonkers super cars
(GT-R) and accessible sports cars through
the iconic Z range. This 370Z is part of that
family but its special because its a Nismo.
Nis-what?
Nismo. It is all about proper driving. It was
set up years ago as Nissans racing division
and its been burning up tarmac ever since.
The Nismo-badged cars on the market are
all about bringing racecar technology to the
road for everyday use. In the standard 370Z,
you get a power hike of 16bhp to 339bhp,
Nismo exclusive exterior aps and scoops,

a kick-ass red ash trim, gorgeous alloys

and tons of other special stuff.
That sounds good, but is it fast?
Yes, but its a very special kind of fast.
The car is set up for highly accurate speed
delivery without needless operatics. Instead
of a vicious V8 sports growl youre getting
a precise whoosh from a V6 that pushes
you like a jet engine. Because its set up
with race tuning, you need to keep the revs
high to get the drop-kick acceleration. Hold
it above 4,000 revs before slamming your
foot down and itll thrust you to a top speed
of 155mph. Feels epic.
Wheres the compromise?
If you wanted to start picking holes in this
car you wouldnt know where to stop. The
ride is comically rm, the view out of the rear

NISSAN 370Z NISMO

PRICE: 37,575
LIKELY REPAYMENTS:
359 a month with
5,309.50 deposit
ENGINE: 3.7 litre V6

POWER: 339bhp
0-62MPH: 5.2sec
TOP SPEED: 155mph
AVERAGE ECONOMY:
26.6mpg

PICK OF
THE Zs
The Nissan Z-car range is an
iconic line of everyman sports
cars. Heres a few of the FHM
favourites worth checking out

04

240Z (Aim to pay: 7,500

for an import; 23,000 for
a mint UK car)
This is a classic now so prices
are high. In 1969, the Z was
Japan saying it wasnt handing
the sports car business to the
Europeans. Totally 70s retro.

300ZX Z32
(Aim to pay: 3,500)
A beautiful sports car from
1989. It was so luxe it felt like
a GT. Lots have been modded
these days, but you can pick
one up for peanuts and itll be
tons of V6 fun.

03

Is this some stripped-back track

machine, then?
Oh no, the inside decor is lovely. You get
an ultra-premium leather and Alcantara
(suede-type interior material) steering
wheel, red sports-stitching, touchscreen
navigation and a booming stereo. Its all
very comfortable without compromise.
Whats everyone going to think?
Whatever you think of the drive, this car
denitely looks the bollocks. Theres fun to
be had parking it next to Porsches and making
them look boring in comparison. This is a real
head-snapping car so you better get used to
being stared at. But more than that, everyone
will recognise that youre a proper driver who
knows how it truly feels to be part of the road.
And thats priceless.

370Z (Aim to pay: 17,000)

This is the standard version
of the main car tested here.
The 370Z is still fresh so
prices are reasonably high.
Check out the Black
special-edition cars for extra
red leather and grey alloys.

127

WORDS: CONOR MCNICHOLAS. PHOTOGRAPHY: NISSAN PR

corners is virtually non-existent, the little dials

on the dashboard are ridiculous, theres so
much road noise you can hear stone chips
being kicked up, the steering is incredibly
heavy, the turning circle is a bit tight, and the
gearbox is so stiff its like mixing scrap metal.
Er, why on earth would I go for this car?
Because its utterly electrifying. It makes you
feel alive in a way that 99% of modern cars
dont. When youre behind the wheel at speed,
you feel completely connected to the road and
to the mechanics of the vehicle. Thats what we
were saying earlier: you feel like youre driving
again. Every move you make is a perfect fusion
of driver and car creating an experience of
owing speed. The price you pay is that you
really need to concentrate. Start taking on any
speed and the car demands your full attention.

350Z (Aim to pay: 7,000)

The rebirth of the Z range
started with the 350 in 2002.
Elegant and still modernlooking, its a brilliant way to
get some reliable V6 action.

: Girlfriend

Girlfriend
Caly
All this rugby-loving, whiskydrinking, steak-eating South
African lady wants is a real
old-school gentleman

Jay Mawson
Rich Innes

128

MARCH 2015

Occupation: Model
From: South Africa
Age: 21
Twitter: @CarlyLottering
Likes: Peanut butter and Nutella mixed
together on toast, Johnnie Walker whisky,
South African rugby player Pierre Spies

FHM: Tell us something we dont

know about South Africa
Carly: We have the best sh and
chips anywhere in the world.
Better than ours? Fish and chips
is the national dish of the UK.
Really? I didnt know that. Well, I
doubt your sh and chips are better
than the ones you get in Cape Town
our stuff is so fresh. Plus anyone
who lives in South Africa could live
like a king or queen. Ive been in
London for two months, and the
price of things here is scary. London
is very different to how I was
expecting it to be
How do you mean?
In the movies, theres always a nice
vibe in the streets; people say hello
to each other. But when I got here,
I was so shocked! The people were
kind of rude. Theres a lm called
Wild Child, which is about an
American girl who goes to boarding
school in England. I thought itd be
just like that: all rainy and quaint.
It can be like that! Where do you
live now?
Im living with four other models
in Shepherds Bush.
Sounds good.
Ha! Guys always get excited when
they hear about that. Id love to tell
you that were constantly having
sexy pillow ghts, but Im afraid
thats just the image in your head
Is Afrikaans your rst language?
It is I actually didnt start
speaking English until I was 15.
I think Afrikaans is a nice language,
but Ive had jobs in London where
people have asked me to keep quiet
because the accent irritates them.
That is pretty damn rude, but I
guess it proves that people dont
nd it very sexy! French now
thats incredible. Thats a beautiful
language. Any man who speaks
with a French accent Mmm
So aside from being French, what
else do you look for in a man?
Firstly, he needs to have a good
sense of humour. He also needs to
be intelligent and treat me like gold.
A beautiful guy with a beautiful
body wouldnt hurt either! But I
dont know where Im going to nd
that guy, I have high standards. Its
129

my dads fault, Im afraid. He wants

me to marry an Afrikaans guy they
tend to have better manners.
Is it still possible to chat you up?
If youre a nice gentleman and you
say that Im really beautiful, then
I might give you my number. But
dont say, Hey, you sexy thing,
can I have your number? Lets grab
dinner No thanks. Thats not
going to work. But if youre polite,
I dont mind having a drink with
you in a cool bar or something.
Have you ever kissed someone
youve only just met in a club?
Well Ive done that, of course. But
I would never expect to nd a
long-term relationship there!
When you are in a relationship,
do you make a good girlfriend?
Im a big rugby fan and I used to go
and watch South Africa games with
my ex. One time, when we got home,
we took some pictures of me in his
jersey while I did a lap dance. It was
pretty sexy. That sounds hot, right?
Yes. Yes it does.
I eat a lot, too. My favourite meal
is steak and chips with mushroom
sauce and cheese its making me

I wore my
ex-boyfriends
rugby jersey
and did a lap
dance for him
hungry, just thinking about it.
Everyone looks at me and thinks
I dont eat but I really do. I stay
healthy but I guess Im just lucky,
too. I have chocolate and coffee
before I go to sleep every night.
I cant sleep without a coffee.
Eh? But coffee is meant to wake
you up, isnt it?
I think thats shit, it makes me
tired. I just had one and Im sleepy
now. But generally, if you want to
impress me, take me to a buffet and
just feed me. And give me whisky
thats my drink. Johnnie Walker
Black Label please!
So, the perfect date is watching
rugby, drinking whisky, and then
a dinner of steak and chips?
Do all that and Ill be the happiest
girl ever. Although that plan makes
me sound like a guy, doesnt it?
130

MARCH 2015

Quick-re
round

hair & make-up: nat schmitt. styling: vicki hillman. lingerie by mimi holliday

Boobs or bum?
Bum. Boobs are
overrated
Quavers or
cucumbers?
Cucumbers
Sofa or gym?
Sofa
Heels or
trainers?
Heels
Shorts or
skirts?
Shorts
Instagram or
Twitter?
Instagram
Bikini or
beanie?
Bikini
Invisibility or
ability to y?
Invisibility
Dogs or cats?
Cats
McDonalds or
Burger King?
Burger King
Beach or pool?
Pool
Bearded or
clean shaven?
Clean shaven

Want to be an
FHM Girlfriend?
Go to fhm.com/
girlfriend to apply

Carlys life this month: @CarlyLottering

Push yourself to get t because

no one else will

Im in love with this little baby

Skip the diet, just be healthy!

Staying fresh with messy hair

131

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True
story:
This was
the kind of
mission most
folks can only
experience in
a video game
or a cinema

John McPhee has spent a

lifetime in some of the most
dangerous war zones of the
last 20 years, including Bosnia,
South America, Iraq and, as
told here, Afghanistan.
An army ranger and a United
States Army Special Forces
Green Beret, John quickly rose
to the top of the USs premier
counter-terrorism unit, Delta
Force, where he was one of
the rst operators dropped
into Afghanistan after 9/11.

john McPhees (seconD FRoM

LeFT) DeLTA FoRce Recce
TRooP, AFghAnisTAn, 2001

the year was 2002 anD i was a

Delta sniper, alreaDy on my thirD
tour in afghanistan. my squadron
and I had been running rampant
in the region for one specic
purpose: to hunt and kill Osama
Bin Laden. Various sources
had said that hed skated to
Pakistan, while others believed
hed been winged by one of
the smart bombs wed dropped
on al-Qaeda hideouts deep in
the Tora Bora mountains.
We found a source who
told us about an al-Qaeda safe
house in a village deep in a
mountain valley where a senior
mam [military aged male], a
leathery man dubbed Ghul
ahmed, was the same cat that
had hid the wounded Bin Laden
when he ed there the previous
December. That was enough
to shufe Ghul ahmeds centre
mass into the units sights.

i was askeD Directly By my troop

commanDer if iD volunteer for a
solo mission. It was to inltrate
the village and gather intel
136

march 2015

on Ghul ahmed. It was the

rare kind of mission that isnt
assigned. The type where the
outcome is so uncertain that
they only ask for volunteers. The
kind of gig most folks can only
experience from a seat in the
local theatre or tunnel visioned
in a video game.
The brief was simple. Go
alone with no support, obtain
video evidence of Ghul ahmeds
presence and get information
on the target building. Then Id
move out unseen and alive
to lead an assault force back
to the village to capture or kill
Ghul ahmed. It all sounded
sketchy, but as a Delta Force
sniper, a mission like this is
part of the job description.

the first step was sorting out

my Disguise. I already had a
beard that made the Taliban
envious to which I added
tattered clothing, similar to
the ones worn by the locals,
and a oppy wool mujahideen
hat. Blending in while in plain

sight was my forte. most males

in Nangarhar Province also
openly carried a weapon, so I
added my own beat-up aK-47
to my disguise. my basic load
was a compact video camera
and satellite phone, both carried
in an inconspicuous plastic
cigarette bag.

Departing the Bagram airBase,

my first stop was a safe house
in JalalaBaD. From there, my
journey had me hopscotching
between local vans and logging
trucks that wound their way
through the massive mountain
peaks and mud-walled villages
in the region.
any form of transport to the
mountain villages also doubled
as a taxi, crammed with locals.
So I sat in that packed truck
for three frozen, bone-shaking
days. Not speaking Pashto,
the language in that region
of afghanistan, I drew upon
my acting skills to avoid having
to speak and pretended to
be cerebrally challenged.

John Mcphee, the

sheriff of baghdad

p r e pa r i n g f o r
action in iraq

The checkpoinTs we passed

Through were hair-raising
evenTs. The tribesmen who
guarded the boundaries
between unmarked territories
were known for indiscriminately
killing travellers and ransacking
their possessions. In a movie, a
character would simply slip the
guard a hundred spot and bribe
his way through. In reality, that
technique would have gotten
me killed as theyd just suspect
me of having more money.
After a few days of travelling
in cramped conditions through
hostile territory, we reached the
target village. I knew exactly
which building to look for from
poring over satellite photos and
just needed to covertly capture
footage. With my handheld
video camera clutched under
my armpit, I lmed the targets
two-story mud and wood house

as we drove through the valley.

We slowly trundled along over
basketball-sized boulders, and
I could clearly see males in
the target building but couldnt
conrm Ghul Ahmed was home.
Id observed too much activity
for him not to be though, and
that was conrmation for me.

all ThaT i had To do Then was

geT ouT and TransmiT The fooTage
back To base. Reverting back
to character, a family offered
me food and a bed not far from
the target house. Later, while
everyone slept, I grabbed my
AK-47 and made my move,
waking a truck driver and
forcing him back to his truck
at gunpoint. The driver was
clueless as I pushed him out
of the house for the long trip
back to Jalalabad.
Several days later, I was
once again bouncing down the
same uneven track, only this
time I wasnt alone. Twenty-two
heavily-armed Delta Force
operators were hidden, Trojan

Horse-style, in the back of two

logging trucks. After navigating
a seven-hour drive through the
checkpoints we pulled up just
short of the target building and
manoeuvred the steep rock face
on foot. We managed to slip
through the neighbourhood
without disturbing anybody,
and positioned ourselves just
shy of the target building.

Then The orders came: i have

conTrol, sTandby 5,4,3,2,1 execuTe.
The takedown was precise and
rapid. An irritated Ghul Ahmed
was captured as he lay sleeping
in his bed next to a naked
woman. Mission accomplished.
It was a textbook operation that
took ve minutes without a
single shot red. We learned a
lot on that mission, specically
that we had to be a lot smarter
in how we operated and the
way we would roll in the future.
There was a ton more work
to be done before Bin Laden
would nally be killed almost
10 years later in 2011.

What
happened
next?
01 John McPhee was awarded
his second Bronze Star for
valour for combat operations
in Afghanistan.
02 A month after the mission
that killed Osama Bin Laden,
McPhee retired from the army
as a sergeant major.
03 Combat-grizzled with years
of rst-hand experience, he is
now one of the worlds premier
shooting instructors. He now
trains civilians, law enforcers
and tactical SWAT teams in
special operations tactics and
shooting skills.
Details on John McPhees
training courses can be found
at sobtactical.com

137

words: russell sheath. photography provided by writer and alamy

Nobody bothers large, scarylooking people that dont seem

completely there, especially if
theyre carrying an assault rie.

10 THINGS THAT WILL ALWAYS, ALWAYS BE FUNNY

06

Toilet paper stuck to shoe

If youve just exited a pub
toilet and youve got a
metre of bog roll trailing
from your shoe, then you
may as well call it a night
and go home immediately
because youre never going
to regain your dignity. You
are now the Ofcial Pub
Clown Of The Evening,
and nobody will take
anything you say seriously
for the rest of time.

10

05

Crap impersonations
Accurate celebrity impressions are good,
but for gut-busting funniness you cant
beat one thats so wide of the mark that
its utterly ridiculous. Like how your Uncle
Rons impression of Cheryl Cole always
comes out as an elderly Jamaican lady
with a bad concussion. So awesome.

09

Your mate getting crabs

Men never stop nding
genitals hilarious, so its
always funny when your
close mate catches a nonpermanent but superembarrassing STD. Crabs
are the funniest, because
theyre called crabs and
pubes are involved.

08

Your mate stacking it

Ever since prehistoric
man pulled himself
138

MARCH 2015

upright onto two legs and

took his rst tentative
steps towards civilisation,
he has been falling on his
arse. And since man has
been falling on his arse,
mans mate has been on
hand to laugh so hard
that he gets a stitch.

07

Right text, wrong person

We live in hyper-connected
times, and were all ring
off so many emails, texts,
DMs and WhatsApps that,
every so often, were

Flatulence
Farts so obviously belong
on this list but there
are a few variables that
determine the hilarity of
any given air-biscuit. For
example: a babys fart is
hilarious, but an 80-yearolds? Not so much. A
stranger farting at the
next urinal is funny; a
stranger farting in the
next toilet stall is just
gross. And a noisy fart
is funnier than a stinky
fart unless you are the
architect of the latter,
youre within an enclosed
space with your friends,
and theres no escape.

04

Small children swearing

Hearing a preschool child
absentmindedly drop
an unexpected F-bomb
in public will always be
funny for two reasons:
rstly, the child invariably
has no idea of the huge
shock waves theyve just

unleashed on everyone
in the vicinity. Secondly,
the childs parent wishes
the ground would open up
and swallow them whole.

03

Old peoples tech fails

Whether its your mum
accidentally entering
buttock stretch-mark
pills as a Facebook status
rather than a Google
search, or your grandad
telling everyone hes been
emailed by an African
prince who wants to make
him rich, you cant beat ye
olde folkes getting the
modern world all wrong.

02

Someone elses
catastrophic hangover
Your own hangovers
are no laughing matter:
your brain hurts, youre
consumed by a nameless
dread, and everything is
wretched. But if youre
hangover-free and your
mate is in absolute bits,
their pitiful sighings,
twitchings and almostvomitings will keep
you tickled pink all day.

01

Unfortunate names
The following are all
100% genuine names,
currently belonging to
actual human beings
that roam the earth: Mike
Litoris. BJ Cobbledick.
Dick Smalley. Flavour
Balls. Phat Ho. Dick Dong
Wang. Harold A Ballitch.
We could go on, but by
now youre either snorking
like an idiot (in which
case, well done, you are
alive) or youve remained
resolutely stone-faced
(in which case, a bit
of bad news: you
See
are dead).
you next

month...

Words: JoE MAddEN. PHoToGrAPHY: rEX

bound to send the exact

wrong message to the
most perfectly wrong
person. If youve ever been
with someone whos just
accidentally sexted their
mum then youll get where
were going with this.