World Cup 2014 coverage: Chile overcomes possible own goal

A matter of national
insecurity: Why U.S.
absolutely cannot lose to
Belgium
By Dan Wetzel
22 hours ago
Yahoo Sports

Belgium 's Nacer Chadli, left, is congratulated by a teamm ate following Belgi

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SAO PAULO The United States is playing Belgium in the World
Cup next Tuesday and Belgium is the favorite.
Belgium. Not Brazil. Not Argentina. Not Germany.
Belgium.
Belgium should not be favored over the United States of America
in anything but waffles and windmills.
Yes, it's a
nation of
superior life
expectancy,
literacy and
general
happiness
but who cares
about those
things? Listen,

Belgian fans cheer after Belgium scored a goal during

Belgium:

the 1-0 victory over Russia. (AP)

You're going to
have to step up your senseless homicide and childhood obesity
rates before we take you seriously.
This is a complete disgrace to the United States. Sure, soccer

hasn't traditionally been the primary sport in our country even if it

was, half our team is from Germany. There has to be a bare
minimum standard, however, and having to cower in fear of the
mighty Belgians is it.
[Related: How Team Belgium overcame love triangle]
Belgium has just 11 million people, which is like, what, a Dakota
and a half? (Not certain since I was too lazy and distracted to look
it up. You want worker productivity? Go hire a Belgian.)
These guys are Canada-Lite, one of these perfect, nice, polite,
pretty countries that take pride in the fact they all ride bikes and
recycle and don't unilaterally invade other sovereign nations.
There is no place for someone like this on the global stage of the
World Cup, where each match is life and death literally in some
places if you blow a critical assignment.
The U.S. has now reached the elimination stage in consecutive
World Cups for the first time ever. It is time to start acting like
we've been here before and that requires learning to hate our
opponent, no matter how insensitive and xenophobic it makes us.
This stuff isn't for the faint of heart.
Supporters of real soccer powers so revel in their desperate
ignorance and self-loathing offensives it's a wonder Ann Coulter
isn't actually a fan.
There are so many angry South American countries in the round
of 16 that a soccer-inspired intra-continental war seems inevitable
(wars among South American countries are fought exclusively by
biting people on the shoulder).
Had the
brackets
broken
differently
namely both
teams being
better we
could have had
a USA-Russia
matchup, aka
Instead of heading to the round of 16, Russia has an

"the Miracle on

early World Cup exit. (AP)

Brazilian dirt
painted green

so it looks good on TV." Now that would've excited everyone since

the winner would've earned the right to determine the fate of the
Ukraine and those stray dogs in Sochi. Plus Putin might have
shown up shirtless with a pet mountain lion in tow.
Instead, we get Belgium and if the 2014 World Cup is going to
stand for anything in the U.S. other than hipster millennials and
those who are too old but act like hipster millennials anyway
using street parties and crowded bars to hook up under the
auspiciousness of patriotism and an appreciation of "set pieces,"
then this must be taken to the extreme American style.
So Belgium, stop with this smug belief that we're content with a
simple life surrounded by friends and families as we sit in wellmaintained gardens sipping expertly-crafted beer perfected by

monks over the past thousand years.

[More World Cup: Cristiano Ronaldo deserves respect, not
constant criticism]
There are many negatives to point to in your nation, and it's quite
easy to do since the country is so flat you can stand on a couple of
stale speculoos and gaze all the way to Luxembourg.
Let's start with the simple: The Dutch look down on you and the
French make fun of you. You're the nerd of the chess club.
Jean-Claude Van Damme is your best actor. (This will not be said
to Jean-Claude Van Damme's face. Also, no one recalls where
Audrey Hepburn was from. I think it was Eau Claire, Wis.)
Your biggest city is named after a sprout.
You rank fourth globally in personal saving's accounts well,
that's riveting.
You're so nice that you don't have enough stereotypes for hack
Internet columnists to write jokes about.
Dr. Evil, from the Austin Powers fame, was the son of "a
relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with
low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery who would
make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark." This
can't be overlooked. Dr. Evil plotted to detonate the world and
cause all its volcanoes to erupt at once, after all.
Belgium has this guy, Eddy Merckx, who won the Tour de France
five times and he did it all on his own, naturally and with honor, like
by just training hard so he could ride his bicycle really fast up an
Alp. He didn't even take daily transfusions of cheetah blood or
anything. Is that even legal?
Oh, and hey, Axel Witsel, you're misspelling your name.
As for Marouane Fellani's hair well, that's just badass, so
touch. Very well done young man, we've got a two-bedroom
condo waiting for you in Venice Beach for your efforts.
What about the
mayonnaiseon-fries thing?
It's disgusting
and
considering
you
supposedly
take pride in
clearly
unimportant

Is the World Cup just another excuse for Americans to

drink and get loud? (AP)

things such as
low heart disease rates and high overall fitness, it is just a blatant
attempt to be American, in this case the caloric equal of the blue
plate special at a truck stop outside Baton Rouge.
Belgium has seven times fewer McDonald's per capita than the
U.S., which means you discriminate against creepy, big-footed,
big-haired clowns and the Filet of Fish OK, good work there.
Advantage Belgium.

[Photos: Candid moments inside the World Cup tunnel]

Belgium is famous for three chief exports waffles, chocolate and
beer. This sounds good but is clearly a trap to endear itself to the
world that smart Americans should not succumb.
Of course, based on our comparative aptitude scores in math and
science the term "smart Americans" is relative.
In closing, Belgium can't be better than the United States at
anything, even soccer. Something has to be done to maintain
world order.
We're counting on you, Clint Dempsey.
And pancakes taste better.

'