Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Volume II Edition VII

Lawsuit Reveals Allegations of Misconduct

By Snoop Cubby

Court
documents
released earlier this week,
regarding the cat lawsuit,
have revealed a list of
incredulous
allegations
against the defendant, A.
Marie
Silver.
Those
allegations include Mrs.
Silvers refusal to have a
tubal ligation after the
birth of her first human
kitten and threats she
allegedly made toward the
cat,
Gwennie
Silver,
involving the destruction
of Gwennies beloved puff
balls. Since the birth of
Mrs.
Silvers
second
human kitten, Gwennie
has alleged the following
acts of misconduct that
have left her traumatized:
1. That one or both
human
kittens
has drooled while
in her presence,

Gwennie Silver

causing
the
plaintiff nausea,
2. Sleep deprivation
caused by one or
both of the human
kittens screaming
in the middle of the
night,

Fifty Shades Of Chaos

By A. Marie Silver

Movie theaters across

Augusta and Atlanta were
closed for business on
what normally is a highsales weekend. A group
known as the BBH (Bitter
Broken Hearts) set their
sights on the theaters,
engaging
in
protests
outside every cinema.
Our
goal,
said
leader, Heidi Bitterman,
is to put an end to this
cruel
and
insensitive
commercial holiday.
All it does, said
protestor,
Morose
Mienhieman, is inspire
heartaches by instilling in
people they are not loved
unless someone buys them
flowers, a card, or candy.

The peaceful protests

grew into violent acts as
moviegoers, anxious to see
Fifty Shades of Grey, tried
to push past the protestors.
Some of us have
lives, Betsy Loveheart
told Pilcrow &Dagger
reporters.
By the time police
arrived at the cinema in
Augusta, a great deal of
damage was already done.
Glass doors were cracked,
the concession stand was
smashed and the slushy
machines were emptied all
over the floors and
carpeting.
I only wish the
damages were limited to
Continued on page 2

3. And one or both of

the human kittens
breathing
the
plaintiffs
air
without
her
consent.
Quite possibly the

most traumatizing act

listed
among
the
grievances was the fact
that Mrs. Silver hired the
law offices of Beagle,
Doberman and Yorkie to
represent her. As you may
have guessed by the name,
all the partners in the law
office are dogs.
We may be dogs,
said Petunia Doberman,
but we are housebroken,
have attended numerous,
rigorous obedience classes
and are fully capable of
staying focused on our
clients case, even if there
is a postman, snow plow
or leaves traveling past the
office.
A response from the
defendant will be released
sometime next week. No
further information was
provided at this time.

Romantic Interlude Interrupted

By LeeAnn Rhoden

Yesterday
was
Valentines Day and like
most couples Vince and
Stella DAmore were
celebrating the holiday of
love with dinner and a
night out. Thats when
trouble hit and what
should have been a
pleasant evening resulted

in an evening at the
emergency room and child
protective services being
called.
I made reservations at
a romantic restaurant
downtown, said Mr.
DAmore, but I forgot to
tell Stella to get a babyContinued on Page 2

Weather

Index

Off and on cold, off

and on wind, off and on
sun, off and on snow
and/or rain. Prepare for the
most inconvenient weather
for your day.
Pilcrow & Dagger
suggest a rain jacket with
hood at all times as the
best preparation.

More News..............Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letter to Editor..................
..............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Rants & Raves........Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3

Sunday, February 15, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition VII

Interlude
Continued from Page 1

sitter so we had to take the

kids with us. A table for
two turned into a table for
six so we had to wait.
This oversight resulted
in the DAmore children
ages 8, 6, 4, and 2 were
running
through
the
restaurant and wreaking
havoc everywhere taking
food off other peoples
tables before they were
finally seated.
During dessert, Mr.
DAmore had prearranged
with the manager to have a
ring placed atop his wifes
cheese cake as a special
presentation
of
her
Valentines gift.
When dessert came
we were exhausted and just
totally consumed with
keeping the children quiet
and calm, explained Mrs.
DAmore. I was on the
floor changing the babys
diaper when they put the
cakes on the table. I was
just too tired and nauseated
to really care and I just
wanted to go home.

I had had enough of

the kids and said I was
done having children. And
just as Im trying to take a
bite of dessert, Stella tells
me from the floor that
shes pregnant again.
Of course the bite Mr.
DAmore took had the ring
on it and he ended up
choking. Two waiters
performed the Heimlich
maneuver causing Mr.
DAmore to vomit up the
ring.
I had been fighting
nausea for days and as
soon as he threw up, so did
I, said Mrs. DAmore.
Then the kids started
screaming.
Management
called
911
to
assist
the
DAmores. Vince was
admitted
for
minor
esophageal repairs and
Stella was admitted to be
treated for severe morning
sickness. The children
stayed with CPS.
The good news is that
the ring was recovered and
the
DAmores
are
expecting twins.

Dear Monica

Rants & Raves

Dear Monica,
Yesterday I woke up and
found that my two-year-old
dumped the cats water dish
all over the floor. Then, he
poured cat food all over the
floor, trying to soak up the
water. What should I do?
Sincerely, A Mess.

Dear Ex-boyfriend,
Youre a miserable,
lying cheat! I dont know
whats worse; dumping me
three
days
before
Valentines or the fact that
you cheated on me with my
mother!
Choke
on
chocolate!

Dear A Mess,
I hope you didnt wait
for my response to deal with
this situation. In case you
did a seriously disturbing
thought, by the way my
advice is that you clean up
the mess using a broom, a
dust pan, a vacuum cleaner
whatever it takes to get the
job done.

To my wonderful husband,
Thank you! Not only did
you tend to the children so I
could have a night out with
my friends, but when I came
home, I found you cleaning
the kitchen and washing the
dishes. I dont what it is you
did that made you feel guilty
enough to clean, but
whatever it is, Ill forgive
you as long as you keep up
the good work.

Chaos
Continued from Page 1

the lobby and main

entrance,
Arthur
Moneymaker, the theater
manager stated. Large
knives were used to slice
and dice the movie screens
in the four theaters that
were showing Fifty Shades
of Grey.
Police in Augusta and
Atlanta arrested over 300
individuals on Thursday.
Due to the damages
inflicted,
the
affected
theaters were forced to
shut down over the
weekend, losing thousands
of dollars in ticket sales.
At least we wont be
the only people to have a
lousy weekend, Heidi
Bitterman said as she was
being handcuffed.

Letter To The
Editor
Dear Mr. Farce,
Regarding the Book
Tax article in last weeks
paper, I think it is just
horrid that a tax would be
levied on books based on
weight.
That
is
blatant
discrimination towards the
sight impaired who need
large print books. Clearly,
the larger the print, the
larger and thus heavier the
book. Did your reporter
investigate how this would
be compromised with the
ADA?
- Bea Focals

Picture Your Ad Here

Go To
www.pilcrowdagger.com/
about/advertising

To Find Out How

Editorial
By Sham Farce

Since we have passed

through the Valentines
Day season and frenzy it is
high time we as a nation
get back to work and focus
on things that really matter.
It seems that each year
brings on a new holiday
that we must go out and
get gifts, cards, and other
tokens and then require
time off from work. At this
rate, it is a wonder that any
productivity occurs at all
and anyone actually works
long enough to earn money
enough
to
support
themselves
let
alone
purchase all the cards, gifts
and tokens.
One glance at a
calendar has any employer
reeling with the amount of
holiday time there seems to
be: New Years Day,
Martin Luther King Day,
Valentines
Day,
Presidents Day, Mardis
Gras, Ash Wednesday, St.
Patricks
Day,
Good
Friday, Easter, April Fools
Day,
Mothers
Day,
Memorial Day, Fathers
Day, Independence Day,
Labor Day, Halloween,
Veterans
Day,
Thanksgiving, Christmas
and finally New Years
Eve.
Not to forget birthdays
and vacation time that get
thrown into the mix. Its
high time we return to the
values that made this
country great. Time to
work a full 40 hour week.
Time to work a full 50
weeks a year. Time to
develop a work ethic.

Sunday, February 15, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition VII

Classifieds
For Sale
One half-eaten
box
of
chocolates. They
all have fruit
inside. I hate
fruit mixed in
chocolate.
Belgium waffle
wall art made
from
real
Belgium
waffles.
NOT
for consumption.
Empty
gift
boxes.
The
perfect gift when
you dont know
what to give.
Recycled candle
wax. Scraped off
tables,
candle
sticks,
and
collected from
old candle nubs.

Horoscope

Wanted

Notices

Someone to fold
my
laundry.
Position begins
immediately.
Please hurry, its
piling up.
Excess military
equipment. Will
take
whatever
you
have.
Zombie
apocalypse
is
coming.
Cookbook and
cook to go with
it. Must have a
little
bit
of
everything.
Photographer to
follow
me
around
taking
candids of me
doing fun things
to post on social
media.

Pilcrow
&
Dagger
is
accepting
submissions for
the
May/June
issue
through
April 15, 2015.
Submission
window for the
April
issue
closes on March
1, 2015. Get
them in now.
It is suggested
that if you have
legal problems
then you should
seek the advice
of a team of
attorneys. Please
call
Beagle,
Doberman and
Yorkie.
They
take a bite out of
the law.

Pilcrow

March 21
- April 19

Exclamation
Point

April 20 May 20

May 21 June 20

Interrobang
Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand
Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

Octothorpe

:
&

:
* @

June 21 July 22
July 23 Aug 22
Aug 23 Sept 22
Sept 23 Oct 22
Oct 23 Nov 21
Nov 22 Dec 21

Dec 22 Jan 19

What you think is a road

block is actually a gift.
A group of people will try
to pick you apart. Stay by
yourself for a while.
Keep paper and a pen
handy to write down
inspiring thoughts.
You will need to decide
between the old and the
new. Assess honestly.
You will have an epiphany
today that will keep you up
working on a new project.
You are not out of sync;
you march to your own
beat. Make music.

Jan 20 Feb 18

If you dont understand

something just ask.

Feb 19 March 20

You are not too slow.

Others are too fast and they
will crash.

Cryptogram

(
@

Dagger

Authority
Point
Because
Sign

Sudoku

&

You received a bunch of

new information but you
can process the facts.
You will feel alone in a
crowd. Dont worry, youll
get over it.
Its been a tumultuous time
for you. Youre lucky to
have made it this far.
Aggressive people may try
to take up your time today.
Learn to say no.

Every goal, every action, every thought, every

feeling one experiences, whether it be consciously

&

one's level of peace of mind.

- Sydney Madwed

or unconsciously known, is an attempt to increase

!
Answer in next weeks paper

Answer to last weeks puzzle