Poopy Pants

By
Zachary Verbit

INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT

Americas favorite blowhard news anchor, WOLF SHEPARD, sits
at his newsdesk with his hair perfectly quaffed and posture
perfectly rigid as he goes live to break a very important
news story.
WOLF SHEPARD
(real blowhard-like)
Hello, I am Wolf Shepard and this
is BNN Newshour.
The morse code telegraph sound plays as a needlessly brash
and gaudy BNN graphic comes across the screen. The camera
cuts back to a single shot of WOLF SHEPARD.
WOLF SHEPARD
We have a heartbreaking story
coming out of Southington,
Connecticut this evening. Earlier
today, James Rollins, a local teen,
stormed into a 3rd grade classroom
at Rutherford B. Hayes Elementary,
with poopy..pants. Rollins got
feces on 3 kids and a
schoolteacher, while exposing up to
20 more students to his noxious
fumes before being apprehended by
the janitorial staff. This is the
third occurrence of a poop-related
tragedy in this country in just
under a year. Why do these things
keep happening? Lets go to our
panel. Joining us this evening is
Camera cuts to a single shot of JED CROWLEY, a fat, old
white man wearing a so-large-its-rude-to-wear-on-TV cowboy
hat. Across the bottom of the screen, a graphic is shown
displaying his name and affiliation: JED CROWLEY, NTPA
(National TP Association). JED drags his finger across the
brim of his cowboy hat and points at the camera.
WOLF SHEPARD (O.S.)
JED CROWLEY, chairman of the
National TP Association
Camera cuts to a single shot of DEBORAH SAMPSON, a
middle-aged woman with a Midwestern accent, really big hair,
a dumb colorful blouse, and far too much makeup on. Across
the bottom of the screen, a graphic is shown displaying her
name and affiliation: DEBORAH SAMPSON, MAPM (Mothers Against
Poop in Media). DEBORAH smiles unsettlingly wild.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

WOLF SHEPARD (O.S.)

DEBORAH SAMPSON, spokesperson for
Mothers Against Poop in Media.
Camera cuts to MATTHEW WEINBERG, the only appropriately
dressed pundit there. Hes a relatively young man, in his
30s, wearing a nondescript suit and tie. Across the bottom
of the screen, a graphic is shown displaying her name and
affiliation: MATTHEW WEINBERG, IBH (Institute for Bowel
Health). MATTHEW gives the camera a curt nod.
WOLF SHEPARD (O.S.)
And MATTHEW WEINBERG, leading
researcher at the Institute for
Bowel Health.
Camera cuts to a wide shot of everyone.
WOLF SHEPARD
Hello, everyone. Thanks for joining
me tonight.
ALL 3 PUNDITS SIMULTANEOUSLY
(differing variations of:)
Of course, WOLF. Thanks for having
me.
WOLF SHEPARD
DEBORAH, lets go to you first.
What do you think is the cause of
all these poop-related incidents?
DEBORAH SAMPSON
Well Ill tell ya what, WOLF! Its
all these movies the kids are
watching! Theyre just filled with
poop! Its the norm, WOLF! Movies
make poop look cool and fun, and
these impressionable kids buy
riiiiight in, WOLF, they buy right
in. It shouldnt be any surprise
that this nations youth are
walking around with poopy pants!
WOLF SHEPARD
Obviously youre very passionate
about this topic. But are you sure
youre not blowing this out of
proportion?
DEBORAH SAMPSON
I dont believe I am, WOLF! Its
not just the movies! All this crap
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

DEBORAH SAMPSON (contd)

is ingrained in our kids at such a
young age. Take the childrens book
"Everyone Poops," for instance.
What kind of message is that to
send to our kids? Everyone poops?
No one should poop ever!
MATTHEW WEINBERG
Woah woah woah woah...what kind of
message is that to send to kids?
Look, SHEP. Can I call you SHEP?
Its obvious that this country has
a caca problem, but we shouldnt
teach kids to repress their poop!
Poop repression is what leads to
poopy-pants incidents like this
one! We need to teach kids how to
process their poop properly.
WOLF SHEPARD
Now thats an interesting takeDEBORAH SAMPSON
No, no, no. Poop only breeds more
poop, WOLF! As parents, we need to
try to expose our kids to as little
poop as possible. Our media
portrayals of poop are DANGEROUS,
WOLF. Supposedly this, whats his
name? James Rollins? This James
Rollins character, was supposedly
watching South Park, a show famous
for its graphic depictions of poop,
before he went into that classroom
today, WOLF! Whos to say that
South Park didnt push him over the
edge?!
MATTHEW WEINBERG
Now thats just ridiculous! Plenty
of kids watch South Park and dont
feel the urge to go on poopy-pants
sprees! There might be a little to
be said about how poop-obsessed our
culture is, but the world we live
in shitty, DEBORAH. We cant brush
our poop under the rug any longer.
We need to attack this problem at
its root.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.

WOLF SHEPARD
And where might that be?
MATTHEW WEINBERG
It starts in the home, WOLF. The
common thread between all these
poopy-pants incidents is aloof
parenting. Its probable that James
Rollins was struggling with his
poop for some time, and his parents
didnt notice or care.
WOLF SHEPARD
Thats an interesting theory, but
it puts a lot of blame on the
parents. Is that really fair?
MATTHEW WEINBERG
Youre right, WOLF. Society on the
whole has a responsibility to make
sure these kinds of things dont
happen again, either.
WOLF SHEPARD
How might we go about doing that?
MATTHEW WEINBERG
Its simple. We need to remove the
stigma from seeking professional
help regarding our poop-related
issues. Thanks in part to the
cowardice of the French, we seem to
think bidets are a sign of
weakness! But theyre a viable
alternative if you just cant deal
with your poop on your own!
JED CROWLEY
Now Ill stop you right there, boy!
Whats wrong with some good ol
fashioned TP?
MATTHEW WEINBERG
Ugh, its so primitive! Bidets are
a much more effective way to deal
with the brown. (pleading, now) If
this kid had gone to a bidet, and
got the help he needed, his pants
wouldnt have ever been so poopy to
begin with...In fact, I think
bidets should be subsidized by the
government.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

JED CROWLEY
(huffing and puffing)
Your sentiment sounds vaguely
sympathetic, boy, and I dont like
it! Why should we pay for this
bozos bidet with OUR precious tax
dollars? Were fightin two wars, ya
know! We dont have the time or the
money to be placatin to these
criminal nutcases desires!
WOLF SHEPARD
Well what do you suggest we do
then, Mr. Crowley?
JED CROWLEY
You know me, WOLF. Im a big fan of
the turd amendment, thus the answer
is simple, WOLF. We need to give
all of our teachers rolls of TP to
guard our children against these
madmen that go on poopy-pants
rampages in our schools!
MATTHEW WEINBERG
Oh my god. We dont need to take
this issue to such dangerous
extremes. We can help these people
before it ever comes to that.
JED CROWLEY
Extreme times call for extreme
measures, boy! You cant expect to
help everyone. Some people will
find a way to poop their pants no
matter what. And those people need
to be dealt with swiftly, and
without prejudice!
DEBORAH SAMPSON
Even I am going to have to disagree
with you on this, JED. What if a
teacher misses the crazy man with
the poopy pants and TPs an
innocent bystander???
MATTHEW WEINBERG
Exactly! We cant risk mummifying
an innocent student! We shouldnt
even be entertaining such a
ridiculous premise.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

6.

JED CROWLEY
Alls Im sayin is, if teachers and
students were carrying around some
TP, maybe concealed in their
purses, or strapped to their legs,
these crazies might be a little
more hesitant to run up in our
schools with skid marks in their
undies!
Camera cuts to all three pundits panels. Theyre all
yelling at the top of their lungs at each other.
Camera cuts to a teenage kid watching the broadcast on
television as he polishes a gun and sticks it into his
backpack. He gets up to leave for school as he passes by his
father, passed out in a recliner with a glass of whiskey in
his hand.