For what its worth: its never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want

to be. Theres no
time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can
make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I
hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you
live a life youre proud of. If you find that youre not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.
~ Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Screenplay
For much of my life, I struggled to discover who I actually was.
I lost myself in relationships, in family and in friends. Instead of living the life that suited me, I became a
chameleon, constantly changing to suit each environment and desperately trying to sit on each high pedestal
that others had placed out for me.
I compared, compromised, blended and sold my soul time and again.
I frantically searched for answers to unlock the secret to my unhappiness and in doing so I accused, blamed,
demanded and found replies in all the wrong places.
So, I turned it around on myself. If others werent at fault, was it I? I had choices. Everything that was in
front of me was there because I, and I alone, had put it there. It was time to call myself out and to face up to
myself.
Looking in the mirror I had no idea who I was. How could I possibly expect anyone else to value me when I
was a confused and distorted mess, a mixture of everyone I had allowed to penetrate me, along with all the
negative self-beliefs I had somehow inflicted on myself.
My insides ached with under-nourishment and I realised the reason for this was that I was not living the life
destined for me, I was living for everyone else and was doing a pretty bad job of it.
I needed to change and in doing so, I needed to figure out how. I knew it wouldnt happen overnightI had
taken a long time to become who I was and to change, was going to be a process. Although I didnt expect
miracles, when I asked myself each of the following questions, I noticed immediate changes taking place on
the inside.
1. Where do I want to be in five years time?
I looked at my relationships, my career, the area I lived in, my health and education. I thought about places I
wanted to visit and all the things I wanted to experience. I realised that although some of these changes were
not possible immediately, there were so many things I could work on one small step at a time.
I enlisted in courses, changed my eating habits, found new hobbies, read the books that I needed and focused
more on cultivating important relationships. I didnt set a destination for the outcome; instead I set a feeling.
2. How did I want to feel on the inside in five years time? Where would I be emotionally, physically,
mentally?
I considered all the things in my life that werent healthy and how I could make the changes needed. I
realised that nothing was out of reach and it was up to me to take control of my life and that anything was
possible. When I didnt add to much pressure by expecting instant gratification for the changes, I allowed
everything take a natural pace so it sunk in. Instead of crashing and burning I slowly absorbed each new
thing.
3. What bad habits do I need to stop?
I made a list and didnt expect an overnight miracle. Instead I worked on them one by one. With some, I
went cold turkey and others I phased out over time. For each one accomplished, I rewarded myself with
something that was good for me instead. Alongside the list I added a replacement for each one. Something to
look forward to at the end of each achievement.

4. What mistakes have I made today?

Instead of excusing or blaming my behaviour, I took responsibility. I made the decision to turn every
negative into a positive. Each time I messed up, I confronted it face on. Why, what and how had these things
happened? What would I do differently in the future? What have I learned?
I realised that I was stumbling over the same problems over and again and I would keep coming face to face
with them until I accepted where I was going wrong. Whenever I made errors, bad judgements or was
careless, I thought about what part I had played in allowing the mistake to happen.
I discovered that when I lived in the present moment, I was far less likely to keep tripping up. Although I
still would, I would rectify things sooner and understand the reasons behind the mistakes. I also have learned
that I will always, always make mistakes, regardless of how much I learn, and so I forgive myself each time
and vow to try harder in future.
5. Who do I envy or admire? What qualities do these people have? In what way can I learn from them? What
is it about them that inspires me?
I wrote down a list of the people that have the je ne sais quoi that strongly resonated with me. What elements
was I drawn to? I wrote down all the characteristics that made those people what they were. I read their
autobiographies and learned how they had succeeded and what steps they took to get where they were. I
used the admiration to motivate me and to help me reach my own life goals.
I found that it was shared similarities that had drawn me to those people and I realised that I could set the bar
however high I chose and then just take whatever necessary steps needed to get there. I learned so much
through others from animal activists to successful entrepreneurs. Although I may not reach the same high
levels with everything, I realised that my destiny was it my own hands, just as it had been in theirs, it was up
to my how hard I was willing to work.
6. What stories have I told myself?
So much of my self-belief was bad conditioning. I had convinced myself that I was worthy of this and not
worthy of that. In doing so I attracted all kinds of wrong people and rubbish into my life. I immediately
made a conscious decision to stop filling my head with negativity about myself. I was unique, different and
worthy of the very best life had to offer me. I just needed to keep telling myself this until it finally sank in
and I believed it.
As soon as I unlearned all of the rubbish and relearned how magical I was, I began to attract exactly what I
believed. My soul was a mirror and whatever was going on in the inside, was radiating out and attracting
similar reflections. The more love I gave to myself, the more love I received backI discovered that like
attracts like.
7. Who do I love and who loves me?
I thought long and hard about those that I loved and those that loved me. Did I let them know what they
meant to me? Was I making them a priority in my life? How could I spend more quality time with them and
show them how valued and important they were? I realised that often I would take people for granted and
assume they already knew their place in my life. I made a conscious decision to appreciate each one of them
more and let know regularly with actions rather than just words.
8. If no one judged me, who would I be?
This is probably the most powerful question I asked myself.
It made me realise how much I was living a lie, living according to societys expectations of me. So much of
what I said and did on a daily basis was done to fit in line with high standards placed on me by people I
didnt even know. I realised my life was limitless. I could be whoever and do whatever I chose to be. Those
that truly loved me would accept me all the same and those were the only ones that really mattered.

I realised that to live free from judgement, I also had to stop judging myself. I stopped caring about what
people thought about me and started caring about what I thought about myself, about what I needed to do to
be fulfilled and also what made me happy on the inside. When I went places, I stopped caring if people liked
how I dressed, what I said, or valued my opinions.
We are all different and we are never going to be accepted by everyone.
Someone, somewhere will always disapprove regardless of how hard we try. I stopped trying to please the
masses and instead worked on pleasing the only person that really matteredmyself.
As soon as I mastered this, other peoples opinions and judgement faded from my thoughts and I no longer
cared. As long as I believed in myself and trusted that I was living as morally and ethically as I could, the
judgesI truly couldnt give a f**k about. It was liberating and refreshing and simply the best and most
loving thing I ever did for myself.
I started asking myself these questions on a daily basis and each day, I found new answers.
I realised I was trapped in an existence that I didnt like, and yet, I already had all of the answers to free
myself. It was that simple. These questions transformed my life completely, I didnt just feel different, I
became a different person.
I became me.
The One. The one. Is there a One?
And if there is how will I know? And what if Im wrong? And what if theres really two or three or
We humans complicate things so. There are many animals who mate for life and dont lose sleep trying to
figure out if their mate is the only one. Wolves for example. And coyotes, those wild wild nocturnal maniacs
yes, they have it all figured out.
Owls, beavers, eagles, swans, cranes, pigeons, hawks, ospreys, geese and some apes are a few more. My
guess is that they dont spend 10 minutes asking themselves if they have made the right choice or if
something better awaits them right around the the next corner.
They just know.
For years I have seen articles that describe in great detail how to know if our beloved is the one. I have read
articles and books that strongly suggest that if I answer, No to any of their questions I might be in the
wrong relationship. Books that ask hundreds of questions and no matter how you answer them you put the
book down feeling like you just ate rotten fish and wondering what you ever saw in this person you love
anyway.
We talk to friends and therapists and priests and experts. We take quizzes online and haunt the self help
aisles in bookstores and libraries. We look for signs and ask question after question.
Does she make you feel?
Does he say?
Does he have?
Does she give you?
Can he read your mind?
Do you speak the same love language?
And oh my God, what do you mean he forgot your birthday?
It really is so much more simple than all of that and it all boils down to two very simple questions.

1. Do I love this person?

Not, is this person hot or sexy or fun; not, do I enjoy this person; not, are we compatible; not, is it a good
idea but, do I really and truly love this person? Would I give them half of my paycheck, the last bite, my
car ora kidney? Is it that kind of love?
If the answer is yes then youre already more than halfway there. Real love is motivation for growth and
understanding and compassion. Real love drives us to be better people who rise above petty difficulties and
fleeting emotions. People who do whatever it takes to nurture what we hold dear, kidney donation or not.
2. Are both my life and my partners life better because of our relationship?
Sit back, put your feet up, close your eyes, imagine your life without your beloved and ask yourself: How
would I live without this person? How would I feel? How would I spend my time? Would I feel full? Would
I feel empty? Would I sleep well or would I lie awake longing?
Who would I confide in? Who would I spend my time with? Who would lift me up when I am down? Who
would be my rock? Is my love my best friend? What would I do on Saturday night or Tuesday afternoon or
everyday for the rest of my life if this person disappeared from my world?
A thousand questions could follow and we should be mindful of how we would answer them but not get too
caught up in the details. We need to keep it simple. We need to put aside all secondary emotions like envy,
put aside fear and attachment and know that no matter what happens we will survive. With a pure,
courageous, open heart we need to ask the simple question: How would my life be without this person I call
my love?
Im not suggesting that we settle for an unhealthy relationship, nor am I suggesting that there is necessarily
only one one. I am saying that we complicate things with mountains of questions which can create doubt and
confusion. Sometimes the answer is obvious if we simplify. If we can take a step back and answer these two
questions honestly and fearlessly I believe the answer as to whether we should be with our chosen one, or
not, will be obvious. If we really and truly-give-up-a-kidney-kind of love our partner and we recognize that
our lives are better as a team then with a little attention and a lot of commitment everything else will fall into
place.