Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Volume II Edition IX

March Issue Released

By LeeAnn Rhoden
Today the second issue
of Pilcrow & Dagger is
published! This months
theme is Spring Cleaning.
We had authors send in
their
work
about
vacuuming,
dusting,
cleansing, and other sent
in the stuff they dug out
from the dark scary
recesses of their desks and
long forgotten notebooks.
We received a fantastic
number of submissions
and we also were sent
original works of art and
photography.
This issue also marks
our first interview with an
author. Amanda Harms
tells us about her book,
Bewildered, her writing
process and how she chose
to publish her book. Great
thoughts and insight for all
authors, published or those

who want to be published.

Just like last time, one
of our stories was chosen
to
be
the
podcast.
Rewritten Endings is a
charming story by Ray
Rebmann. You can hear
the story by going to
www.pilcrowdagger.com/
podcasts.
If youd like have a
Sneak
Peek
go
to
www.pilcorwdagger.com/
issues. Single issues and
annual subscriptions are
available
at
www.pilcrowdagger.com/
subscriptions.
Thanks to Kayla Allen,
Ray Rebmann, R. J. Fox,
Terry Kleemann, Laurie
Blake, S. L. Dixon, Adrik
Kemp, Tracie Campbell,
Nathan Fioritti, Sandy
Coomer,
Brbara
Herrnsdorf, and Richard
King Perkins II.

Cat Lawsuit Settled?

By Snoop Cubby

P&D reporters have

exclusive
information
regarding
an
alleged
settlement agreement for
the infamous cat lawsuit.
Our source, who chose to
remain anonymous, has
confirmed that the law
offices of McWhiskers,
Fluffybottom
and
Softpaws; as well as the
law offices of Beagle,
Doberman and Yorkie,
have been pulling allnighters, trying to put this
deal to bed.
I cannot confirm or
deny anything, said
Attorney Petunia
Doberman, except that I
havent been on a walk in
days and am in desperate

need of a fire hydrant.

Continuing to speak
with us despite the
consequences, our source
is certain a few details will
absolutely be in the final
agreement.
There will be no more
talk of tubal ligations,
said
our
anonymous
source. That is definite.
Also rumored to be in
the settlement agreement
are the following terms:
A. Marie Silver will
provide ear squishes and
head scratches for a
minimum of two hours
every day to the plaintiff,
Gwennie Silver, aka the
cat.
A. Marie Silver will
Continued on Page 2

Pilcrow & Dagger

Will be at the
Augusta Literary Festival
Saturday, March 7, 2015

Weather

Index

If March comes in like

a lion, it will go out like a
lamb. If March comes in
like a lamb, it will go out
like a lion.
One way or another we
will be either cowering in
fear or knitting.

More News..............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor................
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, March 1, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition IX

Lawsuit

Coffee Run Solved

Continued from Page 1

By LeeAnn Rhoden

circumstances,
destroy,
maim,
or
torture
Gwennies puff balls.
A. Marie Silver will
provide ear plugs of
Gwennies choosing
to help aid Gwennie in
obtaining her required
amount of sleep.
A. Marie Silver will
train the human kittens
not to chase Gwennie
or put her tail in their
mouths.

A recent run on coffee

has been traced back to a
single household. The
reason for the above
normal consumption has
been discovered and the
problem corrected.
I noticed Mrs. Happ
coming into the grocery
store and buying a pound
of coffee every few days,
said Mr. Albert, manager
of the local Piggly Wiggly.
The Happs are an older
couple so I didnt they
were drinking all of it
themselves. I started to get
suspicious that someone
was taking advantage of
them.
It turns out that they
had not been duped into
opening a coffee shop out
of their kitchen nor were
they hosting an unusual
number of coffee groups.
Apparently, Mr. Happ was
the culprit.

In return, Gwennie will

most likely be told to
adhere to the following
conditions:
Gwennie will exert
more tolerance toward
the human kittens
Gwennie
will
NEVER again, attempt
to
sell,
rent
or
giveaway the human
kittens
Whether or not either
party actually agrees to
these terms is unknown.
P&D
reporters
will
continue following this
story, providing updates.

To the driver who was on

Washington Road this
morning. Its not legal to
text and drive. That being
said, Im certain its also
not legal to drive while
texting, lighting a cigarette,
changing radio stations and
yelling at your kids who
are in the back seat, but
kudos to you for your
efforts at multitasking.

I came down stairs

and smelled the coffee,
said the adult son of the
Happs. Then I saw the
coffee pouring out of the
machine and all over the
floor. The carafe was
sitting on the counter.
When the elder Mr.
Happ made aware of this
he said, Damn! Thats
twice!
Mrs. Happ confirmed
that lately Mr. Happ had
been forgetting to put the
carafe under the filter.
We brew at least two
pots of coffee a day. The
first one always ends up on
the floor. The second one
we manage to get into the
pot.
The Happs have been
given a Keurig machine in
the hopes that no more
than a single cup will end
up on the floor.

Picture Your Ad Here

Are you a writer? Editor? Agent? Artist?
Find your people and have your people find you.

Rants & Raves

To the person who came
through our drive through
last night. Thanks for the
$2 tip and free milk shake.

Letter to Editor

To the lady in the express

checkout lane. It is NOT
15 items if you have the
cashier ring up three
different orders. And
you dont have to balance
your
checkbook right
there.
Hugs and thank you to the
kind man who blocked
traffic so I could change
the tire on my car. If you
hadnt, I might have been
hit by a car since it was
hard to see due to the rain.
Sorry I took so long, its
hard to do in heels.

Dear Mr. Farce,

This letter is in
reference to an article
published in your paper on
February
22,
2015,
entitled, Revelations in Cat
Lawsuit. I find it horrifying
that one of your editors
would be allowed to
behave so egregiously
toward an innocent, fluffy
cat.
A. Marie Silver had no
right
to
attempt
to
manipulate or control
Gwennie, by threatening to
destroy Gwennies puff
balls.
Gwennie is merely a
misunderstood
creature
who desperately wants to
be loved by A. Marie. Not
only do her attempts for
affection go unnoticed and
unappreciated, but shes
repeatedly been brushed
off in favor of the human
kittens.
I cant stand for this
behavior. I demand that
you, the senior editor, take
immediate
disciplinary
action against A. Marie
Silver. Shes the perfect
example of a human who
needs obedience training.
Sincerely, Willy Whiskers

Dear Monica
Dear Monica,
Two weeks ago I
scolded my dog for
barking at the postman.
Today I was served notice
of
a
lawsuit
by
representatives at Beagle,
Doberman & Yorkie. My
dog is suing me for
wrongful behavior. What
should I do?
Sincerely,
Betty Dee

Then, take your dog to the

vet and have him neutered.
Thatll teach him.

Dear Betty,
First, hire a lawyer with
a sense of humor and
strong tolerance for B.S.

Dear Bride,
Congrats
on
your
nuptials. And yes, sadly,
this is what you can
expect.

Dear Monica,
I sent my husband of
two months to the store
with the instruction to pick
up some staples. He came
home with actual staples.
Is this what I should
expect?
-Befuddled Bride

Sunday, March 1, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition IX

Horoscope

Classifieds
For Sale
Vintage childs
potty chair or
planter. Either
way $25.
Reception desk
and receptionist.
Must pick both
of them up at
site.
Bags of namebrand clothes.
$3 per shirt, $5
per pair of pants,
or $50 per bag.
No
questions.
No cops.
Apartment full
of
furniture.
Getting married
and
my
girlfriend
doesnt like the
Early Bachelor
Period.
Everything goes
except
stereo
speakers.

Wanted
Want to hitch a
ride across the
country.
Will
share
driving
and gas. Must be
able to leave
ASAP and no
stopping
until
we get there.
An easy life
with the freedom
and money to do
what I want to
do
and
no
responsibilities
or jobs.
Someone to turn
on the lights so I
dont have to get
up. While they
are up they can
get
me
something
to
drink, eat, feed
the dogs, and put
the
laundry
away.

Notices
Pilcrow
&
Dagger
has
closed
the
submission
window for the
April issue. We
are
accepting
submissions for
the
May/June
issue. Go to
www.pilcrow
dagger.com/
submissions to
see
the
guidelines and
themes.
If you have a
snarky attitude
and would like
to send in a
snarky article,
rant & rave,
letter to the
editor,
or
classified,
we
love to have it!

?
*

@ *
:

(
:

@
*

@
(

Therefore
Sign
Ampersand
Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

Answer in next weeks paper

March 21
- April 19

Youve made a decision

that solves a problem.
Stand up for it.

April 20 May 20

You feel like moving

around so go for a walk.

&

May 21 June 20
June 21 July 22
July 23 Aug 22
Aug 23 Sept 22
Sept 23 Oct 22

Express yourself in your

dress and home dcor.

Oct 23 Nov 21

Your physical strength is

enhanced. Do some heavy
cleaning.

Nov 22 Dec 21

Use your energy to build

something out of wood.

Dec 22 Jan 19

You get more done if you

go from project to project.

Authority
Point

You have lots of energy

and will finish all your
work and cleaning.
Nothing makes you happier
than being crafty. Go make
something.
You need to relax. Sit back
and listen to some soothing
music.
You feel things deeply but
have a hard time finding
ways to release.

Jan 20 Feb 18
Feb 19 March 20

Youve been tired and run

down lately. Its not
physical, its emotional.
If you want something
done, give it to a busy
person. Thats you.

Cryptogram

Intelligence without ambition is a bird

Question
Mark

Dagger

(
@

Interrobang

Octothorpe

!
#

Exclamation
Point

Because
Sign

Sudoku

Pilcrow

without wings.

?
:

- C. Archie Danielson