Inconspicuous

we interrupt the Axe to

BLOW YOUR MIND

Volume 3
Issue 2
January, 2008
 Win at Best Case Scenario - 1
Win at The Bathroom - 2
Win at More Microrants - 4
Win at Chain Mail - 5
Win at Wode’s Odes - 6
Win at The Quest for the Next Am-ER-iKAN IdLe! - 7
Win at News from the year 1794 - 9
Win at ANGER: Chapter the Third - 10
Win at River “Spelled with A J” Bijleveld - 12
Win at Zombies: Day One - 13

Best Case Scenario

by Justin Kayce

Okay, chicos and chicas, here’s the scoop. This is a pick-your-own-adventure-type deal. That means you’ll
have to turn a lot of pages. Sorry. The adventure begins in the hallways of South, which can only mean one
thing: THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!!! Beware. Choose wisely. And stay in school. Or not.

1. You’re in the hallway before school when your friend, Skippy, asks you to cut first period with him.
You’re other friend, Classy, tells you that skipping is wrong and that you should go to class. You’re as torn
as an issue of the Axe in a shredder.

If you skip with Skippy, go to Section 2 (page 2)

If you go to class with Classy, go to Section 4 (page 3)

1
 The Bathroom may seem to be practical necessity, the variations in
the functions of a bathroom are more due to cultural
by Ezra Rex
taboo than anything else.
In the frosh area of the IHS hall (the fur-
In the beginning (3000 BC), there were
thest bathroom from main South), for instance,
baths. These baths were not associated with toi-
we can see a classic example of the almost-single
lets or much of what we would think of, in modern
bathroom. There is one stall and one urinal. This
America, as a bathroom. Their purpose was for reli-
bathroom is vary spacious, unlike similar examples
gious purity. Many baths were communal, but the
in many restaurants and in the U of O. The soap
style of bath differed by area. For instance, in much
comes in powdered form, reminiscent of middle
of Europe the steam bath was evolving, whereas in
school, and the water, rather than being automatical-
parts of Asia they used cold baths. As time passed,
ly distributed, is controlled with a knob. For drying,
the private bath grew more and more popular. To
there are simple paper towels. Each of these as-
own your own bath in Greece or Rome was a sign
pects, however, is different bathroom by bathroom.
of wealth. While, during the Middle Ages, bathing
The differences between the method of hand
was gradually on the rise, during the Renaissance it
drying seems to revolve around environmentalism
declined. This was associated with both a decline in
versus convenience. Many are dissatisfied by the
public bathing in favor of private baths and the fear
speed at which air hand dryers dry hands. Suc-
of water as carrier of disease.
cumbing to demands by consumers, most bath-
Go forward a few hundred years and you’ll
rooms include both an air blower and a paper towel
get the situation today. As we now know, hygiene
dispenser. However, this seems to defeat the pur-
matters. Everyone and every institution has their
pose of including an air blower in the first place:
own bathroom (we should hope), and when the
most will simply ignore it in favor of the fast paper
plumbing breaks down, it’s a public health crisis
towels. If an institution really wants to save paper,
(speaking of the toilets in the main hall boys bath-
why include the towels at all?
room by the 400 hall…). In ‘normal’ life (separate
The style of soap (powdered, foam, liquid,
from more communal forms of life, such as in a
bar) is anyone’s guess, but its use remains interest-
dorm or on a sports team), bathing is done in a
ing. Surgeons scrub their hands for more than a
private setting whereas most other bathroom acts
minute. Food handlers wash for 20 seconds (yeah,
are done whenever necessary. However, despite the
right). People, on their own time, rarely wash their
recognized importance of the bathroom, there is no
hands with soap enough. This is probably the fault
standard method to deliver this important service.
of parents and fellow students (and busy schedules),
One need look no further than South to see the
because all of our official culture tells us to wash
diversity in bathroom styles. As much as all of this

2. You decide not to go to first period. It’s rarely enough to keep your eyes open anyway. Skippy tells you
that Darimart is handing out free Laffy Taffys today. You also know of a peace rally at the courthouse.
Which will it be – sugar or peace?

If you go to Darimart, go to Section 5 (page 3)

If you go to the rally, go to Section 6 (page 4)

3. You enter your violent piece. Unfortunately, your teacher is so upset by your creepy, squirrel-filled writ-
ing that she’s scheduled a meeting for you with the school’s psychiatrist. You’re pissed off that she didn’t
acknowledge your brilliance, and you’re tempted to not go to the stupid meeting. You’d probably get in
trouble for not going, though.

If you blow off the meeting, go to Section 11 (page 6)

If you go to the meeting, go to Section 14 (page 8)
2
more. In elementary school, we have to wash for 20
seconds before snack time. Any job where sanita-
tion matters has standards on hand washing. Some
delegation from South always seems to put up signs
about hand washing around flu season. Yet still,
according to the Minnesota Department of Health,
only 75% of adult females and 58% of adult males
wash their hands, and, in middle and high school,
only 33% of females and 8% of males use soap
while washing. Even in a hospital setting, there
are many deaths that come from poor hand wash-
ing practices. While we might be better than those
statistics indicate, people still, with alarming fre-
quency, touch their eyes, hair, and face, and cough
into their hands. No wonder we had an outbreak of
bacterial meningitis a few years ago.
As much as automated soap, water, drying,
and flushing are championed as a solution to these
hygienic issues, do they really serve any purpose
other than annoyance? As far as I know, no bath-
room has automatic doors, so all of the pathogens
on the lock of the bathroom stall or the door out are
on your hands. If a flush is automatic, that means
you probably can’t efficiently clear the way as it is
flushing (especially if you have a backpack and the
door opens inward), and we all have heard of the
study showing that a flush will aerate feces up to 6
feet away (and toilets are next to sinks and tooth-
brushes… why?). Even without this, you still sit
your butt on the same seat as everyone else. The idea behind the tragedy of the com-
Perhaps the most interesting is the public
aspect. It seems as though our modern culture has
trained us to be awkward in this aspect. Histori-
cally, some women in Japan would flush the toilet
several times in a row in order to mask the noise
of their urination. In the US, the biggest problems
with public bathrooms seem to be “lewd conduct,”
what the anticommunists call the tragedy of the
commons, and bathroom-phobia.
Even without the Larry Craig scandal, it’s
common knowledge that sex in bathrooms exists.
It’s hard to find a college campus without writing
on the walls about when to get blow jobs. This
problem is the common reason people use to justify
segregating our bathrooms by gender: any place
where people are partially nude, they must not be in
the presence of the opposite sex. Of course, their
hormones would get the better of them. And we
shouldn’t tell them to use condoms or teach them
safer sex because that would lead to a rise in pro-
miscuous behavior, too (Oh wait, that’s unrelated.
Sometimes I get my conservative thoughts mixed
up). One consequence of segregation is efforts
to desegregate. During the U of O’s Trans Week
of Celebration (trans as in transgender, but more
open), the people putting on the event had a seminar
on using a urinal and desegregated the bathrooms
(isn’t it amazing how rapidly power structures can
change when you put paper over a sign?). Unfor-
tunately, this met with a large backlash from the
university.
mons is that if no one owns something, no one takes
care of it. While the author of this article doesn’t

4. You head to first period. There your teacher announces an essay contest that everyone in the class has
to enter. Groans are voiced around the room. You think about the two essays you’ve been working on at
home. One, a violent piece about a man who skins squirrels, is disturbing but absolutely brilliant, your best
work. The other is boring, a trite tale of unrequited love, but your teacher is sure to love it. Which piece do
you enter?

If you enter the disturbing piece, go to Section 3 (page 2)

If you enter the boring piece, go to Section 7 (page 4)

5. You head to Darimart. How could you pass up on free candy? Skippy was right: they’re handing out Taf-
fys by the truckload. You’ve always loved the purple kind, Grippingly Grape, but the elusive yellow, Basi-
cally Banana, seems appealing too. It’s new, different, but you’ve always been happy with purple. Which
candy do you rip into first?

If you eat the yellow first, go to Section 8 (page 5)

If you eat the purple first, go to Section 10 (page 6)
3
put much faith in the arguments of the anticom-
munists, in the context of bathrooms this one seems
to be very true. Looking past the graffiti, South’s
bathrooms, a few hours after the beginning of the
day, are always in disrepair. Some students use
bathrooms as tools in pranks (I’m reminded of a
time, towards the end of last year, when a student’s
backpack was put into a toilet… eww). The most
commonly evident forms of grossness in bath-
rooms are urine on the seat and the telltale signs
of masturbation on the walls (as discussed in the
section on bathroom segregation, I can’t speak to
the cleanliness of girls’ bathrooms). The worst that
I’ve experienced was when someone came in to
the stall next to me and started peeing 100% on the
wall. Thankfully, as it started pooling on the floor,
it congregated far enough away from me. Ugh.
Perhaps because of everything that I have discussed
thus far in the article, there are also many bath-
room-phobic people. Ironically, in an effort to stay
hygienic (or avoid grossness, perceived unhygenic-
ness), they stay away from the place most likely to
have soap and hand washing facilities. Plus, there’s
the discomfort of having to hold it in all day at
school.
Don’t even get me started on bidets or the
new technology that is integrated into some toilets.
And those parties that spring up in bathrooms at
the end of the year are just priceless. The mysteri-
ous showers in the drama department, too, are the
subject for another article.
More Microrants
by Felix Falkasius
My first attempt at microranting seemed to be a suc-
cess, so I have chosen to continue the trend. Ideally
I won’t anger too many people.
1. Our lack of preparedness for the Zombie Apoca-
lypse:
You are not prepared. When the gaggle of living
dead comes shuffling down the normally peaceful
streets of Eugene, who will be able to fight back?
Who will be supplied enough to survive? American
society is disturbingly unprepared for small-scale
disasters. I doubt FEMA is going to be able to deal
with the problems we will face in the inevitable
Class-3 outbreak. We need to develop a plan to deal
with the undead hordes in our community and in
the rest of the world so humanity will survive the
outbreak.
2. Odd Weather:
Occasionally the unfortunate day arrives when it is
totally impossible to describe the weather without
an extensive string of adjectives. Days like those
are frustrating. Perhaps the weather is partly cloudy
with a smattering of slush joined by slight winds
from the southeast. I always have trouble on these
kinds of days because I don’t know if I like the
weather or not. I can’t decide what to wear. I can’t
make concrete plans for the rest of my day. Odd
weather sucks.

6. You head to the rally. Candy is for chumps anyway. The rally is successful until the police show up. Sud-
denly Skippy is nowhere to be seen, and violence is breaking out everywhere. You find yourself dragged
into a police car and then you’re in jail with ten other protesters. You have a choice: call your parents for
bail, or stay in jail to uphold the rally’s purpose.

If you call your parents, go to Section 9 (page 5)

If you stay in jail, go to Section 12 (page 7)

7. You enter the boring piece. At least, you thought it was boring. Turns out the teacher loved it. She gives
you first prize and talks to the drama teacher about turning it into a play. They want you to work on the
show. They offer you one of two positions: you could play a small role, a quirky character modeled after
your friend Skippy, or you could operate the lights, behind the scenes.

If you act in the show, go to Section 13 (page 7)

If you work lights, go to Section 15 (page 8)

4
3.Uneven Homework: Chain Mail
I don’t particularly mind homework unless it is
by Leah Wode
obviously useless. However, I do mind very much
when useful homework doesn’t come at a some-
From: Bull Crap <bullcrap@comcast.net>
what even rate. Some teachers like to assign hours
of work some nights and nearly none on others.
>>Okay, so I don’t usually forward these emails,
(Cough…Krzenski…Cough) It seems reasonable
but this is REAL! I wasn’t superstitious >>before I
to me to spread this work out more. I know that if
got this email. You have to read this and send it on,
I have a large assignment to do on a given night,
or you’ll be totally >>screwed!!!!
I’ll procrastinate until about 9:30 and rush through
---------- Forwarded message ----------
an important thing in 20 minutes. This large assign-
From: Luna Cee <nonsense@gmail.com>
ment is inevitably given as the only homework for
To: Dotty Ness <whatthehellareyoutalkingabout@
the whole week. If instead it were assigned over
yahoo.com >, Tom Foolery < >>>hahascrewyou@
several days, I might do a better job.
gmail.com >, Twad Elle <balderdash@prodigy.
4.Ron Paul:
net>, Poppi Cok >>>< poppycock@hotmail.com >,
Ron Paul irritates me. A large number of my friends
Prudence Imm < fatuity@comcast.net>
seem to think that he is amazing. Yes, there is a
Date: Fri, 9 Nov 2007 10:17:13 -1000
YouTube video of him saying that the constitution is
Subject: kittenzzz!
important. Yay. Big deal. There are, in fact, many
>>>Luna Cee <nonsense@gmail.com>, Dotty Ness
good YouTube clips of him. This is unimportant.
>>><whatthehellareyoutalkingabout@yahoo.com
Look at the things that don’t get promoted. Ron
>, Tom Foolery < >>>hahascrewyou@gmail.com>,
Paul advocates overturning Roe v. Wade (http://
Twad Elle < balderdash@prodigy.net>, Poppi Cok
www.ronpaul2008.com/issues/life-and-liberty/).
>>>< poppycock@hotmail.com >, Prudence Imm <
He doesn’t believe in gun control (http://www.
fatuity@comcast.net>
ronpaul2008.com/issues/second-amendment/). And
worst of all, he believes that leaving health care
>>>Please
to businesses and removing regulations is a good
>>>>read
idea (http://www.ronpaul2008.com/issues/second-
>>>this letter
amendment/). Don’t vote for Ron Paul. Although
>>
he has some good positions, the bad ones outweigh
>>>
them.
>>It’s very important!
>>>>>
>>>.
>>>
>>

8. What the hell. Carpe Diem, right? You unwrap the yellow one and take a big bite. Big mistake. Turns
out you’re deathly allergic to yellow dye number 7. Sucks for you. You die right there on the floor of the
Darimart. The last thing you see is that gorgeous purple Laffy Taffy, staring into your soul.

9. You call your parents for bail. There’s no way you’re staying in this crazy place. Someone’s already tried
to steal your shoes. Your parents pick you up. They’re not mad, they’re disappointed. You have a frank talk
with them that night and promise to stop going to strange rallies in the middle of the school day. The next
day at school you’re in the hallway when your friend, Skippy, asks you to cut first period with him. You’re
other friend, Classy, tells you that skipping is wrong and that you should go to class.

If you skip with Skippy, go to Section 2 (page 2)

If you go to class with Classy, go to Section 4 (page 3)
5
>> Of four-kids-to-a-table
>>>Underground kitten fighting is a huge problem. Chatter hesitates as it draws near
But the government won’t do >>>anything because
Food hides in laps
they think they have more important things to do,
like fund the war >>>and defend Michael Vick. So And all voices hush
to get their attention you need to sign this petition. In deep reverence
Put >>>your name and place where you’re living Docker-clad feet approach the computers
now. If we get three million people to sign, >>>we And bespectacled faces condemn those
might be able to raise awareness about this issue! Kids who play insipid games
>>>You must send this to at least ten people within
On the computer instead of doing their
the next sixty seconds or you will >>>DIE. Really.
No kidding. Take it from me. I know form personal Literature homework.
experience. >>>Seriously. Patrolling the detectors
>>> For stolen books
>>> BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
>>>If you pass this on, you’ll be saving furry little Copying crosswords
kittens from being mauled by other >>>furry little
And putting out bookmarks,
kittens. If you send this to ten people, you’ll get an
A on your next test. Charging ten cents per copy,
>>>If you send this to twelve people, your crush Depriving high schoolers of their
will ask you to the prom. Pocket change.
>>>> If you send this to twenty people, you’ll win a Guarding the thousands of books
free wish. With undue veneration
>>>If you send this to twenty-five people, a dancing
While only about one hundred of those nov-
purple unicorn will appear on your >>>screen.
>>>>If you send this to thirty-five people, a fluffy els
pink puppy will appear on your >>>doorstep. Have actually been checked out.
>>>If your send this to fifty people, sparkly rain- O Librarian!
bows will shine out of your ass. Your anal retentiveness
Has annoyed too many
Students to count,
Wode’s Odes Deterring the actual spending of time
by Leah Wode
In the library,
Thus making your lives much easier.
Ode to the Librarian
How brilliant!
The sshhhhhhhhs serenade the groups

10. Don’t rock the boat. Purple has never let you down; there’s no reason to venture into unknown territory.
You and Skippy are heading back towards the school, munching on your Taffys, when you hear an odd
sound, a kind of thunking in the distance. You get closer. Suddenly Hatchet Man comes into view, chuck-
ing his hatchet at random trees. Skippy calls out a friendly greeting. Hatchet Man must have mistaken you
for a tree, because the next thing you know, you’ve got an axe buried deep in your sternum. What a way to
go. Your last thought is that you wish you’d tried yellow.

11. You blow off the appointment. What kind of teacher can’t overlook a little violence in such a great
piece? You’re mad. And once it’s discovered that you didn’t go to the appointment, your teacher’s mad.
The psychiatrist is mad. The principal is mad. They’re all mad and all this anger culminates in suspension.
Great. You head home to play Halo and write another story about a man who skins teachers.
6
 The Quest for the Next...
Am-ER-iKAn IdLe!
by Ezra Rex
While voter turnout throughout Amerikkka is low,
the state is taking measures to counteract this prob-
lem for the upcoming presidential election. If you
are a political peon who relies entirely on the corpo-
rate media for information, you may not have heard
about this measure; the United States is consulting
American Idol, one of the world’s largest voting
democracies1. This policy was headed by congress;
apparently, many of the democrats think that in
the current political arena people won’t take them
seriously when someone who is either not-white or
not-male2 is chosen by democrats in the primaries.
If the US agrees to the suggestions made
by American Idol, we may see not only increased
voter turnout, but other ambiguous changes3. One
expected change is more equality among candi-
dates. Instead of winning being determined by
money4, it would be determined by voter generated
content. People would go to www.AmErIkAnIdLe.
prz and would be able to see and submit the presi-
dential campaign videos (both for and against each
candidate: no presidential race would be complete
without its fair share of mud slinging). People who
watch the videos online would be able to vote for
the ones they like (democracy in action), and high-
ranked videos would be played randomly on the
president channel. Some people say this process
would work like Current TV5. Those people are
slanderous, hippie liars. The writer of this article
has never watched Current TV in his entire life, and
if he had, he would never write about it.
Proponents of this policy argue that it would
increase the equality in the political sphere. Having
the candidates’ videos available online would make
it so that people would be able to see the videos
whenever they wanted, and it would also avoid the
liberal news bias6 by giving everyone a chance to
create content instead of just the rich. We would be
able to get a “fair and balanced” look at all of the
candidates, both republican and democrat7. Having
one TV channel dedicated to the presidency would
also make it much more organized. Instead of being
distracted from presidential policy by things like
terrorism8, people would always have a place to
view news that’s only about the presidential hope-
fuls. This would surely change the entire way that
campaigns are run: instead of being completely
about non-political issues and the channels only
talking about all of the drugs a president did or who
they slept with9, we would be able to see thousands
of different mini videos about lesser known slanders
that, in today’s presidential system, would never
even be exposed10. In addition, it would give people
a chance to see the news that they really wanted to
see instead of boring ads: who doesn’t want to know
just how racist11 the Democrats are?
However, because this would be, as stated
earlier, similar to American Idol, not Current TV,
there would also be a series of contests. Because
presidents act as commanders in chief12, AmErIkAn
IdLe! would begin with a game similar to Risk.
The most tyrannical, barbaric, and strategic would
move on to further levels where the presidential
race would get more personal. Some events that
have been brainstormed include questions from the
American naturalization test13, a contest to see who
can say the most racist thing without getting called
on it14, a real-life game of Pac-Man15, and a reading
of personal essays16.
While much of this plan has met with a re-
sounding success, it still remains “controversial”17.
Some, however, are against change. Some say that
overzealous use of footnotes18 is bad for journalism.

12. You stay in jail. Dammit, you’re making a statement! Unfortunately, Skippy and his friends didn’t get
that message. At night they spring you out of jail (how they managed that you’ll never know), despite your
protests. Once in the car, they tell you they’re taking you to Mexico since you’re a fugitive. Great. Thanks,
Skippy. You head south and spend the rest of your days in Tijuana, drinking tequila.

13. You take the role. Turns out you have quite a knack for it. Who knew you could act? The audience
loves you and the show is a huge success. A Hollywood producer comes to see it, and afterwards he offers
you a part in a movie he’s making, “Bite Me: a Shark Odyssey.” Intent on performing all your own stunts,
you die one day in the crushing jaws of your costar, The Badinator.
7
Who are these people? Terrorists. They are against
our Amerikkkan freedom to change stuff and they
feel as though they must work to create an inad-
equate president. Take a stand against terrorism and
for your liberty, and support AmErIkAn IdLe!

1. We all get our political information from The Daily Show. What it tells
us must be true.
2. While the not-whites and not-males are having quite a year in 2008, the
not-riches still don’t quite have… anything.
3. Every bill needs a rider. Isn’t modern politics great?
4. Yeah right, something that isn’t determined by money. Seriously, though,
Federal Election Commission Chairman Toner predicts that the 2008
presidential race will be the most expensive in history.
5. While Inconspicuous disagrees with much of the procedure involved in
the Axe, they have some good articles on TV. Current is a network that
takes user submitted content and plays it. You can see it/get info about
it at current.tv. Did anyone see the top pod of 2007? It was about neo-
Nazism in Russia.
6. …even though the idea of a “liberal media” could only exist in a world
where conservatives controlled the media (if liberals controlled the me-
dia, why would they say “we’re biasing the media – don’t listen to us!”).
Think about it: the most mainstream liberally biased news on TV is on
Comedy Central. It’s actually really sad.
7. Third parties = bad
8. No… What? War as a political tool to distract from the president and
raise approval ratings? Of course not.
9. Rudy Giuliani, leader in the polls for the republicans, was married to
his second cousin for fourteen years. Time still chose him as the 2001
person of the year – which is still better than choosing “you” as the
person of the year.
10. I mean, what if Clinton’s (the one that was already president) first
girlfriend could have posted a video during Clinton’s primary? A scandal
that would only be brought to the public eye later on could have been
predicted by a horrible breakup with an ex.
11. Check out Joe Biden of Delaware. He said Obama was a very “clean”
black man. When asked if he thought he would be able to win southern
voters, he talked about how Delaware used to be a slave state, and he
couldn’t resist mentioning that you can’t enter a 7-11 in Delaware with-
out having an Indian accent. Go Dems?
12. Even though only congress has financial control over a war, it’s hard to
say “lets not fund it” after the president already sent the troops to the
Middle East.
13. Lets see how many of our presidents could successfully immigrate to
America if they weren’t required to be born here!
14. Can Fox News run for president?
15. Taking the blue pill gets you extra points
16. …that were written by their spin-masters. Don’t worry, spin-masters
aren’t in the WGA.
17. Like global warming.
18. Yes. Very. Notice how authors will slip in material that, while it may be
true, is also unrelated. This creates a bias in your mind toward/against an
idea without any reason. There is absolutely nothing of substance in this
paragraph (or article), but the way it’s written biases you nonetheless.

14. You go to the stupid appointment. To your surprise, the psychiatrist read your piece and liked it. He,
too, thinks your teacher is overreacting. You spend the rest of the session joking about how she should have
had the appointment, not you. The psychiatrist decides to make you Principal for the Day, since Randy’s
got a cold. Your first ruling as Principal for the Day is the permanent repeal of the attendance policy. A
quick coup among the student body overthrows the administration and you become Principal for Forever.
You leave the school each day hoisted on the students’ shoulders.

15. Your crippling stage fright compels you to work behind the scenes on your show. You’re hanging a
light up in the catwalks during the second dress rehearsal when you slip on a rogue Laffy Taffy wrapper.
You fall to your death and forever haunt the theater with your ghost-buddy, whom you’ve nicknamed Chaz.
8
 And now, for a change of pace, we bring you...
NEWS... from the year 1794
by Maynard James Ferguson XII
Revolution Ends;
Napoleon Wins at History
PARIS—The Reign of Terror finally seems to have
come to an end with the execution of Maximilien
Francois Marie Isidore “Head Hunter” de Robespi-
erre on Thursday. Witnesses say the execution, un-
like others which took place earlier, was completely
effective in removing Robespierre’s head from his
body. Napoleon Bonaparte, the wildly popular army
general, womanizer, and con artist, has been instat-
ed as the King of Everything in the aftermath of the
Committee of Public Safety.
Several days before, France’s jewelry-loving
queen, Marie Antoinette, was also executed, follow-
ing a scandal regarding her purported affair with
Napoleon. After the execution of Louis XVI, An-
toinette had married club-footed diplomat Charles
Maurice de Talleyrand-Perigord, hoping to avoid
decapitation. Not long after her marriage, however,
it was revealed to a less-than-surprised France that
Antoinette, the infamous “Austrian Whore,” had
long been romantically involved with Napoleon,
based on a series of intercepted text messages. A
trial for the disgraced queen had been planned, but
was interrupted by an angry mob, which escorted
her to the guillotine.
Meanwhile, other heads continued to roll in
the days and even hours leading up to the infamous
Robespierre’s execution. One head, however, that of
the monarchy-friendly Marquis de Lafayette, man-
aged to remain stubbornly in place due to a botched
execution. In an apparent Act of God, the guillotine
was struck by lightning the instant before Lafay-
ette’s neck was severed, causing the entire mecha-
nism to explode. The Marquis, not surprisingly,
was horribly maimed in the incident; approximately
1/3 of his total body mass was removed in various
amputations, and his head sustained severe injuries
which have seriously impaired his mental capacity.
It was, in fact, this incident which prompted
9
the National Assembly to question the Committee
of Public Safety. Lafayette has been, after all, a vo-
cal opponent of the Reign of Terror, demanding in
one frantic speech that the Revolution “just put the
guillotine away!” He was also known to complain,
usually in somewhat bemused terms, that many
were being condemned without the support of a
majority. Because Lafayette was spared in an Act
of God, many members of the Assembly began to
believe that it was divinely ordained that the Revo-
lution slow down.
“It seems obvious from the recent events
that God hates the Jacobins,” said prominent rich
person Lindz. Though she was executed for treason
shortly after making this statement, her sentiment
was shared by many others, and Robespierre was
brought to trial not long afterwards.
Robespierre’s trial, while equally as token
as those of his victims, was far more bizarre than
any that have yet taken place. Before an extremely
hostile Assembly, he pleaded that Louis XIV had
appeared to him in a dream, telling him to execute
as many people as possible. “Who could refuse
the Sun King? He even baked me cookies! And
they were really good!” In an apparent attempt to
demonstrate the validity of his plea, Robespierre
brought in a tray of terrible cookies which he had
baked himself. “You see? I’m a terrible cook! If
someone bribes me with baked goods, even in a
dream, I have no choice but to accept.”
Unsurprisingly, the Assembly was unmoved
by his argument, and he was sentenced to death by
a large margin. For the first time, his Angry Mob
backup strategy failed: his supporters briefly man-
aged to smuggle him out of Paris, but he was soon
recaptured. Standing before the guillotine, Robespi-
erre spoke for the last time to his allies, saying, “this
is all Louis XIV’s fault.”
 Bonaparte, the short Corsican noble who
was elected by everyone as the Reign of Terror be-
gan to wind down, declined to comment on Robe-
spierre’s execution when Inconspicuous contacted
him but did brief us on his new foreign policy:
“We’re going to war. With everyone. Now I’m go-
ing to go eat my sandwich.”
10
I’m So Angry All the Time
the perpetually dramatic adventures of
Harry Potter, boy wizard
by Maynard James Ferguson XII
Previously on I’m so Angry All the Time: Harry, on
his way to class, was shoved into a broom closet by
Malfoy, where they did lots of naughty things that
were censored by the administration. Ron, who had
previously been dating Harry, became involved in
an abusive relationship with the Bloody Baron. An
estimated 3.6 characters were killed.
Chapter the Third:
In which Hermione falls in love with Lucius, then
Draco, then out of love with Viktor, then again with
Ron, then with Tonks, then out of love with Draco,
then with Neville’s toad, then makes out with every
single Weasley in turn, which complicates every-
thing considerably, then some other shit happens,
and then she finally gets a grip.
Once upon a time, Hermione was in a long-
distance relationship with Viktor Krum. She really
appreciated his sexy Quidditch player appeal and
earnest attempts to figure out how to pronounce her
name, despite being unbelievably slow at learning
English. In fact, she found his poor English posi-
tively adorable rather than difficult. She wrote him
weekly for news and parchment make-out sessions.
That was before IT happened. Though hard-
ly anybody knew it, including Ron and Harry (who,
incidentally, were involved in a stormy relationship
of their own), the huge Death Eater had not been the
only one irreversibly altered in the room of time-
changing devices in the Ministry of Magic: she, too,
had had her age messed about with, though thank-
fully this incident involved her whole body rather
than just her head. She wasn’t sure exactly how it
had happened, as she had been deeply contemplat-
ing whom to fall in love with next at the time, but
she had somehow stumbled into a sort of giant
time-turner, which, rather than transporting the user
forwards or back in time, changed his or her age.
By the time she was able to scramble out, she was
definitely at least three years older, making her most
definitely a legal adult.
There were only two people in the wizarding
world who knew about her accident: Viktor Krum
and Lucius Malfoy. Viktor, obviously, knew because
he was her significant other. Lucius knew because
she told him that so he would sleep with her.
****several weeks earlier****
The soft, erotic night breeze whispered
softly through Hermione’s hair as she walked
through Hogsmeade. It seemed to be whispering
her name, to be precise, but as she approached the
Hog’s Head, it began to sound as though it was say-
ing “Lucius.” The warm air curled around her like
an attractive boy, which was not very congruous to
the fact that she felt very confused about why the
wind seemed to be talking. Then, it became slightly
more clear when she spotted none other than Lucius
Malfoy in the alleyway between the Hog’s Head
and some other building.
Seeing his long, blond, fruit-scented hair
waving in the warm, talking breeze, she immedi-
ately forgot her previous hatred of him for his being
a Death Eater. “Oh Lucius!” she cried softly as she
approached him, throwing her hairless, perfectly
toned arms around his muscular neck. “You’re
everything I’ve ever dreamed of! Take me now!”
Lucius, being the strong, silent type, was about to
say nothing and engage in a deliciously passionate
kiss, but then remembered something.
“Granger, you’re only fifteen years old,” he
swooned in a delicate baritone.
“Not anymore. I’m eighteen now, since I fell into
the age-changing whatsit at the Ministry,” she reas-
sured him lovingly.
“Oh. Well, in that case...” he said as he slid his
tongue grotesquely into her mouth.
“Mmmmmm,” said Hermione, a sign of enjoyment.
Nine Inch Nails’ “Deep” could now be heard in the
wind, which was symbolic of deepness, both physi-
cally and emotionally, and of Lucius’ gothic sex
appeal. It went as follows:
One track
Get you on your back
Your skin speaks up,
but your lips couldn’t say it
Right now
You know somehow
We could take a chance
11
We could make it
Right here
Make it all disappear
Everything we’ve been missing
You make me feel
There’s a part of me, that I want to get back again
Make this come true
Help me get through
Into you
Deep
All I can do
Pushing it through
Into you
Deep
The song was too long for the wind to sing
the entire thing, so it played the most relevant por-
tion. Somewhere between “again” and “make”,
Lucius broke away, grabbed Hermione by the wrist,
and jerked her lovingly into the pub. “We need a
room,” he commanded the bartender icily. The man
eyed the couple suspiciously.
“She looks a bit young for you, mate,” he said, after
a thorough examination.
“She’s legal, I’ve made sure of it,” Lucius assured
him.
“Alright then... Upstairs, third door on your left,”
shrugged the bartender, handing them a key.
The room was tiny and filthy, and the bed
full of fleas. Nevertheless, Hermione felt that she
had never been anywhere quite so romantic nor with
a more ideal partner. “Oh darling,” she swooned,
“your hair smells so nice tonight.”
Lucius, being the strong, silent type, said
nothing and merely withdrew a small, velvet-
colored box from his robes. Opening it, he revealed
a ring that must have cost some thousands of Gal-
leons. “Oh! I love you more than anything on this
Earth!” she cried after a momentary pause during
which she had estimated the value of the ring.
After this, they proceeded to remove each
other’s clothes, and, well, you can imagine what
happened after that. GROSS. Moving on:
Hermione presently snapped out of her
nostalgic stupor, and resumed her daydreaming
about various boys, and a few girls, and a hippog-
riff or two as well. “Oh, I do love Viktor, but I also
love Ron. I think I love Ron more,” she thought.
“His flaming red hair is like my fiery passion for
him. But then, Tonks can turn her hair any color she
wants, and I do enjoy aurors on my bisexual days.
Lucius was very nice in bed, though. Oh, his son is
even better looking, and will eventually be inordi-
nately rich from inheritance money. I do love men
with lots of money and nice-smelling blond hair.”
It was a moment before Hermione real-
ized that she had said the last half out loud and
that Dobby was standing there with his little elvish
mouth hanging open in shock. “Mistress Hermione
shouldn’t say these things about the Malfoys be-
cause they are awful, mean people!” Dobby cried.
“They torture and kill people for fun! How could
Mistress Hermione ever want anything to do with
awful nasty Death Eaters?”
“Goodness. Death Eaters? If I’d have known
THAT—”
“But Mistress Hermione, you already knew that.
Are you stupid? Are you having long-term memory
troubles? Have you been waxing your brows? Are
you trying to take the precious? We wants the pre-
cious, Mistress mustn’t have it!” hissed Dobby.
“My God, you’re right, I’d forgotten! I suppose his
sly wit and irresistible charm lured me into a false
sense of thinking he wasn’t the spawn of Satan...
Anyways, why are you here? I suppose you came
to get me so I can save Harry from some gay bar
fight?”
“Actually, it’s something a bit more Twentieth-
Century Avant-Garde, if you catch my drift,” Dobby
said with a knowing wink.
“I don’t really...”
“Then follow me!” said the elf. He grabbed Hermi-
one’s wrist and began spinning through the fabric of
space-time.
To be continued.....?
12
River “Spelled With A J”
Bijleveld
Interview by Ezra Rex
The Magnificent Inconspicuous: River, we all know
that you are a unique individual, but few of us know
where it started. Could you enlighten us on what
started you down the road to your celebrity – be-
sides being featured on Inconspicuous, of course.
River: Which one of me? I mean, I’m legally two
people: River and Orion. That doesn’t make me
unique so much as constantly annoyed, though; ev-
eryone always confuses me for one individual rather
than two. I mean, I attend all of my classes every
day, but half of my attendance record is just ab-
sences because teachers can’t cope with this simple
fact. The half of me in Classic South (Orion) fares
much worse, though. As Justin Kayce so aptly put
it several issues ago, Orion was inexcusable, and
he was sometimes marked absent even when I was
Orion instead of River. I (River) rarely get marked
absent in IHS, though.
Don’t even get them started on the “Bijleveld”
thing.
TMI: On your cover shot, you are wearing a “The
Miracle Meat” shirt, and you appear to be pulling
your pants up. What influenced your attire?
R: It’s not an issue of fashion (if it were, I wouldn’t
even need to pull my pants back up), but of Free-
dom and preparedness. When the zombie plague
finally spreads, some people will find food supplies
running very thin. Those of us who are prepared,
however, will be doing fine – so long as we embrace
the Miracle Meat. Assuming each zombie has over
100 pounds of meat on their scrawny, reanimated
bones, a good population center will provide an
ample feast. You’ll have to take out zombies any-
ways, so it’s really just a matter of being wasteful.
Being prepared to pull my pants down and up at a
moment’s notice is the only necessary component in
Freedom. That is, there is no verbal component, the
somatic component is pulling your pants up, and the
material component is pants (they have to belong
to someone else – thus, Pants-Giving). Because I
never want to be grappled unawares by a zombie’s
bite attack, I make sure to cast it frequently. This is
also why my backpack is overflowing despite my Zombies: Day One
locker – spare pants for when the material compo-
by John D. Nedry
nent is used up (no, pants ain’t no focus, they’re
consumed upon casting).
No one would have believed, when the coughing be-
gan echoing through the classrooms of the 400 Hall,
TMI: Favorite part of The Axe?
that there was anything happening beyond the realm
of a simple prank. No one would have believed that
R: They don’t wait until February to feature shirt-
as the Administration began opening every window
less guys and headlines including the word “sex” on
and door in the building, they were releasing into
their cover (unlike some underground papers which
the air an unspeakable evil. And no one would have
shall remain conspicuously nameless).
believed that what some students jokingly referred
to as “The Plague” would soon become the great-
TMI: … … … Did you just bite my head?
est disaster in South’s history, unleashing one of the
most hellish series of events humankind had ever
R: No. It was tasty, though. Zombie survival
known.
doesn’t just include not becoming a zombie. Equal-
ly important is surviving once you become a zom-
bie.
SCIENCE HALL, 0920 HOURS
TMI: Interesting perspective. What are your plans
The dim fluorescent lights flickered on and
for life after South?
off in the bleak chamber, adding to the already
dismal ambience. The windows which had once
R: What most people don’t know is that my life
opened into the Science Hall had been blocked,
after South has already begun. I’ve been taking
further darkening the stale and morose conditions.
online courses since I was a Sophomore, and soon
In the heavy silence, grim faces stared at each other
I’ll have a degree. Even though I got a full ride to
from their places across the table, unmoving. Not
a few smaller technical universities (meeting the
a word was spoken, leaving the air quiet and still,
admissions officers on WoW helps), I’m thinking of
save for the muffled commotion emanating from be-
taking a year off and just finishing with my online
yond the walls. After several moments, the silence
degree. I never would have been able to meet with
was broken by the cold voice of Marsi Vitus.
such success without (after trying the worst) try-
“Damage report, Mr. Garland?”
ing the thirst… QUENCHER. It helped me win at
“The lower 400 Hall is fully contaminated,
EVERYTHING FOREVER.
with the compound heading down the easternmost
section of the back hall. Our sources in the Math
TMI: Any parting words?
Department estimate that the Performance Wing
of the 500 Hall and the IHS wing are in imminent
R: If you accept my invitation on Facebook to start
danger, with the compound reaching those locations
biting chumps, I’ll get some extra XP. Please?
within two minutes. If we act quickly…”
For the younger readers: stay in school. They have
“Thank you, Mr. Garland. The Science Wing
a very good internet connection here, so not gradu-
has been sealed off, giving us…”
ating (thus staying in school) means you will have
But just what that gave them was never
more access to it. Unfortunately, I will soon be
revealed, for at that moment the phone in the center
limited to using my zombie-based, satellite inter-
of the table rang, startling several teachers, but not
net connection even though its power is not over-
Vitus, who calmly set the phone on speaker.
whelming.
“Science Department.”
Also, MY REPUTATION IS AS STAINLESS
“Hello, Marsi? This is Randall Bernstein.
AS MY EGO. FEAR THE UNTARNISHABLE
You may call me Rand…”
REFINED STEEL OF MY PRESTIGE! En Taro
“…Yes, we know that. What’s the situa-
Inconspicuous!
tion?”
13
 “I’ve gotten an emergency grant for the Sci-
ence Department to figure out a cure for the virus.
I’m sending over fifteen thousand dollars as we
speak. Good luck. And God speed.”
The phone clicked off, and in the moment of
silence that followed, it was clear that each of the
science teachers was deep in thought. The moment
passed, and Vitus spoke once more.
“A vote: we have two options. We can stay
here and search for the cure. The barricades should
last for several weeks, and Ms. Hocken and I have
been saving up food and ammunition in the 600
Hall bomb shelter in case of such an event. Or, we
could take the grant money and split for Rio. Per-
sonally, I’m in favor of the second. Ms. Hocken?”
“Rio.”
“Mr. Garland?”
“Rio.”
“Mrs. Harvey?”
“Rio.”
“Mr. Van Dusen?”
“Stay.”
“Ms. Drumm?”
“Rio.”
“Mr. Shindledecker?”
“Life is a crystal.”
“Mr. Grace?”
“Rio.”
“Well. It’s decided, then.” And with that,
Vitus stood, while seemingly out of nowhere pro-
ducing a double-barrel shotgun. A glint in her eye,
she loaded the gun and took one last look around
the room. “Let’s blow this joint.”
To Be Continued…

14
 Dear Readers
Inconspicuous is an independent publication. This means that each is-
sue we print comes straight from the contributors’ pocketbooks.
Please do your part and pass this issue on to someone else, or leave it
somewhere inconspicuous for the next reader to find.
Thank you for your help keeping us alive.

--The Inconspicuous Staff