Daily Herald the Brown
vol. cxliv, no. 42 | Mecredi, le 1 Avril, 2009 | Servicing the community daily since 1891
Second SDS attempt to storm U. Hall ends in tragedy
By Trey Boucher
Senior Staff Writer
A male undergraduate student was
rushed to Rhode Island Hospital yes-
terday with severe spinal injuries
after friends launched him from an
improvised catapult at University Hall
during an unscheduled meeting of
the Corporation.
The student, Trevor Demers ’11,
lost consciousness upon colliding
with the brick face of the historic
building, authorities said, and will
likely face partial or full paralysis
from the neck down.
A member of the group Students
for a Democratic Society, Demers
was reportedly trying to make his
way through a window and into the
third-floor room where the Univer-
sity’s highest governing body was
meeting. Members of the same activ-
ist student group tried to forcibly en-
ter University Hall during a meeting
of the Corporation in October.
According to a police report,
about 14 students gathered on
the Main Green around 9:15 a.m.
Tutoring program unites football team, Wheeler School
By Melbourne Coal
Senior Staff Writer
Every Wednesday, Matt Dudez ’10
enters one of the seventh-grade
science classrooms at the Wheeler
School and settles into a plastic
chair next to Erin Spark, who says
she loves Bunsen burners and
equations.
The two huddle over a notebook
filled with scribbles and doodles as
sci-li renovations revealed
The revamped SciLi has received complaints of “phallicocity.”
omfg
News.....1-4
Spor ts...5
Editorial..6
Lolcats...6.5
O p i n i n g. . . 7
Today........8
www.browndailyherald.com
A student was hospitalized Tuesday after a group attempt to storm University Hall.
Tuesday wheeling a “catapult-like
machine” and banging drums. Af-
ter a brief theatrical performance, in
which students acted out “old white
men crushing the dreams of young
people,” they positioned Demers in
the catapult’s basket.
Providence Chief of Police Dean
they become engrossed in their
weekly tutoring session, laughing
and gesturing as they complete the
day’s assignment.
The program is part of a new
tutoring initiative instituted by Foot-
ball Coach Phil Estes to “foster a
close-knit, functional, necessary
relationship between today’s youth
and my athletically talented — but
not always school-oriented — ath-
letes,” he said.
Mary Catherine Lader / Herald
News, 3
New Fraternity Leave
Policy Implemented
Updated guidelines allow
for time with bros, hos
195 Angell Street, Providence, Rhode Island
Esserman described the device that
launched Demers as “a dangerous
weapon that should never have been
used to propel a human being.”
The device was aimed at a third-
floor window in University Hall, the
police report said, but the students
misfired and propelled Demers into
Estes said he noticed low self-
esteem among his players during
recent practices, leading him to
propose a way for his team to “get
back in the game, both athletically
and academically.”
The result was weekly tutoring
sessions, when students such as
Dudez go over problem sets or
study for upcoming exams with
the seventh graders.
“I frequently struggled in my
Romano Prodi brings back Trattoria
By Martin Amore
Staf f Writer
Visiting professor Romano Prodi, a
former Italian prime minister and
president of the European Com-
mission, has arranged to return the
Trattoria to its regular spot in the
Sharpe Refectory rotation, a Uni-
versity spokesperson confirmed
Tuesday.
Though critics had characterized
the move as a return to “gastronom-
ic imperialism,” Prodi argued that
“the Trattoria is a cornerstone of the
international cross-understanding
he hopes to promote at Brown,
and we have obliged him in that
request,” said Marisa Quinn, direc-
tor of public affairs and University
relations.
Prodi had reportedly been in in-
tense discussions with Refectory of-
ficials for weeks over how to arrange
a politically palatable demise of the
unpopular “Tastes of the World” line
Carl Marks / Herald
the brick face of the building just left
of the window.
In a press conference early Tues-
day evening, President Ruth Sim-
mons expressed her “deep regret” at
Demers’ injuries. “This is a terrible
day for the University,” she said. “Our
continued on page 2
chemistr y class,” said Dudez, a
225-pound linebacker. “Going to
Wheeler has helped me in a way
that my TA never could.”
But new academic skills are
not the only fruits of the new pro-
gram.
“For sure, I mean, I definitely
think I’ve made friends with my
tutor,” Dudez said. “She made me
continued on page 5
“Mamma mia!” the former prime minister exclaimed.
and return the pizza and pasta sta-
tion to its former glory.
“It was especially important to
the prime minister that the Refec-
tory resume serving on a regular
basis both apple pie dessert pizza,
which is a traditional Italian dish
with a great history, and overcooked
fusilli,” said Nandeeni Dellafishco,
Sports, 5
You won’t believe
where Bill Russell
wears his eleventh
championship ring
Herald to
acquire
Indy
By Roberta Livengood
Senior Staf f Writer
Seeking to cut non-educational ex-
penses, the University announced
Tuesday it would sell its control-
ling stake in the College Hill Inde-
pendent to The Herald, effective
immediately.
The sale, brokered by Execu-
tive Vice President for Finance
and Administration Beppie Hu-
idekoper and approved over the
weekend by UCS’s Student Ac-
tivities Committee, will save the
University the $80,000 it spends
annually to subsidize production
of the neo-postcurricular news-
magazine.
The move is not without risk.
Herald business staffers said the
move carries a risk of declining
revenues — the Independent has
so far demonstrated little appeal
to advertisers outside of the con-
signment clothing sector.
Herald copy editors will be
required to undergo training in
irony-detection next week, but
other wise business will proceed
as usual, Herald President Steve
DeLucia ’10 said as he announced
the acquisition last night.
University officials described
the move as necessar y in light of
uncertain economic times.
“Given that we’ve been operat-
continued on page 3
Eric Beck / Herald
a Prodi spokeswoman.
The Refectory will now also fea-
ture ambient accordion music and
will play a tape of Dean Martin sing-
ing “That’s Amore” on continuous
loop, she added.
Prodi also hopes to visit Via Via IV
next week, Dellafishco said, to “pay
his respects to the management.”
Opinions, 7
Herald to reduce
Allotted headline Sp-
Cost-cutting measures
limit content availability
herald@browndailyherald.com
Page 2 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD Wednesday, April 1, 2009

C ampus o oze “Trevor fought for his two greatest loves — institutional
transparency, and flying.” — Bill Demers, father of Trevor Demers

Facebook: Guy with beard SDS suffers near-casualty after U. Hall seige
not actually a RUE student
by Mark Zuckerman
Contributing Writer
According to a recent Facebook
search, that guy in history section
with a thick beard and growing bald
spot is surprisingly not a RUE stu-
dent, despite obvious evidence to
the contrary.
The guy, who appears to be at
least 45 years old, was apparently
born in 1989 and graduated from
Grand Rapids High School in 2007.
Sources were unable to confirm
that this is clearly bullshit.
Apparently you’re supposed to
believe that his business casual get-
up and shoulder-slung laptop carry-
ing case are meant to be ironic.
The guy — who completes ev-
ery assignment with a thorough-
ness and enthusiasm only possible
from a former cocaine addict — is
apparently not yet old enough to
drink even though he looks old
enough to be your dad.
Despite being divorced and pay-
ing alimony for two to three middle-
school aged children, the guy is
listed as ironically “engaged” to a
fraternity brother.
continued from page 1
prayers are with Trevor.”
The student’s father, Bill Demers,
also appeared at the press conference.
Overcome with grief, he spoke about
his son’s “two greatest loves — institu-
tional transparency, and flying.”
Members of SDS appeared to
have built the launching device, Es-
serman said, out of “rotting wood,
fallen branches and some industrial
materials — all recycled.”
“We wanted to stand up to those
pigs without compromising our prin-
ciples,” said an SDS member who
New fundraiser to ‘develop’ straw into gold
By Hoover Shanley
Staf f Writer
Reeling from the loss of one third of
Brown’s endowment and the pros-
spoke on the condition of anonymity.
“In hindsight, fabricated parts might
have been worth the small scrape on
Mother Nature’s knee.”
Chancellor Thomas Tisch ’76, who
was leading a meeting of the Corpora-
tion’s budget and finance committee
inside the building, called the accident
“a great tragedy — not least because
we never got to hear what he had to
say.”
The impact of Demers hitting the
building sounded like “a big smack,”
he added.
Trustee John MacDonald ’67
said the meeting concluded with a
the Departments of Economics,
Chemistry and English responded
to the news with a mix of outrage
and skepticism. But Professor of
Alchemy Arkwynn the Elder called
resolution to prevent further impact-
related disturbances by installing
sound-proofing material behind the
building’s drywall. “We cannot have
our meetings disrupted like this,” he
said.
MacDonald said the committee
was discussing plans “to cut off the
heat to dorms to free up money for
our gold-plated toilets” at the time of
the incident.
“There was just this awful noise,
like someone was crushing a child’s
skull to scoop out his brains for a
stew,” he said. “But that’s another
project.”
heads, Har vard University an-
nounced last month that autoparts
magnate F. Archibald Midas would
take over management of its endow-
ment, and New York University last

Freshman not drunk, pect of reduced alumni giving for

years to come, University officials
the change “a great idea.”
“I’m glad the University is finally
week announced that renowned
auctioneer Ar thur Sotheby will

freshman says
HOPE COLLEGE — Although,
granted, someone — “maybe” him
— puked in the water fountain in
the hallway, Tom Dooney ’12 is not
drunk, he told reporters.
“I’m just like, having a good
time,” Dooney, who is wearing
only boxers, socks and a baseball
cap, said.
lated as to whether or not the per-
sons in question were not indeed
homosexual.
Beyond questioning the mo-
tives of those who say he is pretty
far gone, Dooney accused his critics
of themselves being drunk, argu-
ing that “everyone is shitfaced, so
like” before leaving to urinate in an
moved this week to replace Senior
Vice President for University Ad-
vancement Ronald Vanden Dorpel
MA’71 with John Rumpelstiltskin
PhD’63.
Sources close to the president’s
office report that the move was
prompted by the troll-like former
hedge fund manager’s promise to
weave straw into gold.
Speaking on condition of ano-
nymity, faculty members from
heeding the advice of scholars such
as myself,” Elder said. “Her majesty
Ruth Simmons shall not be disap-
pointed.”
Vice President for Public Affairs
and University Relations Marisa
Quinn defended the hiring Tues-
day, pointing out that peer institu-
tions had also sought innovative
solutions to cope with the financial
crisis.
In another move that turned
serve as an consultant on plans to
introduce a trial merit-blind admis-
sions program.
Despite widespread criticism
from the scientific community,
President Ruth Simmons stands
behind the decision to hire Rum-
pelstiltskin. “They say the notion of
weaving straw into gold is crazy,”
Simmons said. “I’ll tell you what’s
crazy — $800 million disappearing
into thin air.”

“I am not drunk because I am
only have (sic) spicy withs and I am
not having not drunk spicies,” he
said triumphantly, referring to the
Josiah’s speciality, the Spicy Chicken
with Cheese.
Reader oblivious
adjacent room.
By way of demonstrating his so-
briety, Dooney attempted to walk in
a straight line, narrowly but success-
fully averting a doorframe.
He also located a roommate’s

to all but Sudoku

Further pressed, Dooney ex-
plained “I don’t drink. I’m not twenty-
one.”
Under fire recently from peers
who say he is “wasted,” Dooney
lashed out at his critics, whom he
described as “sluts.” He also specu-
sudoku
introductory Italian textbook and
proceeded to read a randomly se-
lected passage, concluding, “I don’t
even speak Italian and I just spoke
Italian, that’s how not drunk I am.”
Dooney’s pants could not be lo-
cated at press time.
by Your hot mom
Senior MILF
HELLOOOO — Hey, you! Yeah,
you. What if this were an important
article? Why do you always dive
straight for the Sudoku? Who do
you think you are?
Look, sometimes there’s legit
news in this paper. Maybe UCS
passed a resolution yesterday, or a
student is making a documentary. I
don’t know, maybe you should read
the paper to find out.
Blah blah blah blah it doesn’t
even matter what goes here because
you’ve already folded the paper in
half so you’re never going to read
this unless maybe your folded
square of newsprint falls onto the
ground by accident and you had
to pick it up then you might briefly
glimpse something informative
before you returned to filling in
your stupid numbers in the grid.
Too bad you’re not going to read
this because we deliberately fucked
with the Sudoku today — it doesn’t
work. Bitch.
Newspapers exist so you can be
free, informed and self-governing!
How could you not want to be free,
informed and self-governing? Who
the hell are you?
Did you even bother glancing
at the front page? Aren’t you even
a little bit curious about what was

Daily Herald
going on with that catapult?
the Brown
You think the prof doesn’t notice
the newsprint on top of your note-
Editorial Phone: 401.351.3372 | Business Phone: 401.351.3260 book? Clearly you’re taking notes
Stephen DeLucia, President Jonathan Spector, Treasurer like everyone else. Puh-leeze. You’re
Michael Bechek, Vice President Alexander Hughes, Secretary no better than the kid next to you
The Brown Daily Herald (USPS 067.740) is an independent newspaper serv-
on Facebook on his laptop. And now
ing the Brown University community daily since 1891. It is published Monday you’re looking at him... HELLO! Still
through Friday during the academic year, excluding vacations, once during talking here!
Commencement, once during Orientation and once in July by The Brown Daily So there you are, scribbling
Herald, Inc. POSTMASTER please send corrections to P.O. Box 2538, Provi-
dence, RI 02906. Periodicals postage paid at Providence, R.I. E-mail herald@
away with your little numbers, un-
browndailyherald.com. World Wide Web: http://www.browndailyherald.com. informed and uneducated. Serves
Subscription prices: $319 one year daily, $139 one semester daily. you right.
Copyright 2009 by The Brown Daily Herald, Inc. All rights reserved. Whatever, I’m over it.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
C ampus D UDES
Student also got into Harvard
by Shooter mcgavin
Staff Writer
PERKINS — Though most of his
peers presumably went to Brown
because it was the best school they
got into, Brian Walsh ’12 actually got
into Harvard, he said Tuesday.
“Yeah, I always had (Brown) as
my top choice, even though I could
have gone to like, Harvard,” he said,
unprompted, during a conversation
among hallmates.
“I was waitlisted at Princeton,
too. It was bullshit though,” Walsh
added.
After peers failed to sufficiently
Shaq to replace Nas at
Spring Weekend
by Alonzo Mourning
Senior Staff Writer
In an eleventh-hour decision yes-
terday, the Brown Concert Agency
announced that little-known rapper
Nas has been pulled from the Spring
Weekend lineup, to be replaced by
none other than rapper, actor and
former volunteer police officer Sha-
quille O’Neal.
O’Neal emerged in the public eye
with his 1993 debut album “Shaq Die-
sel”, and perhaps hit the height of
his fame and popularity with his lead
role in the critically acclaimed 1996
bildungsroman “Kazaam.”
After fading out of the spotlight
and into obscurity for over a decade,
O’Neal re-emerged last summer
when, at a New York nightclub, he
premiered his new hip-hop single,
“Kobe, Tell Me How My Ass Tastes
(Can’t Do It Without Me).”
O’Neal initially declined a BCA
offer due to an anticipated extended
gig in Phoenix beginning in mid-April.
But with this previous engagement
looking bleak, O’Neal made the call to
ask if the offer still stood, and the BCA
jumped at the chance to bring “a real
superstar” to Spring Weekend.
While Nas expressed disappoint-
acknowledge the fact that he is actu-
ally overqualified to go here, Walsh
cleverly took advantage of an oppor-
tunity to reiterate his point.
“Yeah, I know what you mean
about the Ratty,” he interjected. “At
like, Harvard, the food is a lot better,
although I only know from like, the
re-visit day I went to last spring.”
According to sources in Walsh’s
medieval history class, the student
has exhibited similar behavior in the
past, casually mentioning that he al-
ways remembers Charlemagne was
crowned emperor in 800 because
that was also his score on the SAT
writing section.
ment, he stood by the decision the
BCA made.
“Sure, it’s disappointing for me,
but man, this is Shaquille we’re talking
about, he’s one of the cats that paved
the way for guys like me,” Nas said.
The decision has not been with-
out controversy, however. The Fri-
day night concert, which the BCA is
hyping as a sure “Diesel-tastic throw-
down,” has provoked angry responses
from the Asian American Students As-
sociation, who cited O’Neal’s racially
insensitive remarks, directed towards
fellow prodigious TV personality Yao
Ming, of whom O’Neal was reportedly
jealous after Yao a spot in a T-Mobile
commercial.
“I sincerely apologize to the Ori-
ental community, and please know
that y’all are the last group of people
I want mad at me,” O’Neal said in a
statement. “I mean, there’s like ten
trillion of you in the world, and y’all
know kung fu, plus I love General
Tso’s chicken, so I don’t want any beef
with the Asian community.”
With the controversy now cleared
up, O’Neal is ready to go.
“I’m pumped. I just hope the ladies
are ready for me,” he said, accompa-
nied by a subtle pelvic gesture. “It’s
gonna be one Shaq-tastic night.”
THE BROWN DAILY HERALD
“Max, Max, you need to send a fax? Hello, Adam, where is Eve?”
Idaho blue state unpopular
Blue State Coffee’s new location near Idaho State has not been successful.
Paper merger to cut U. costs
continued from page 1
ing the econ department without
qualified TAs all semester, we
just couldn’t justify the expense
of keeping the Independent
afloat,” Huidekoper said. “To be
spending that much for fixed-
gear bicycles and cigarettes just
seemed inappropriate.”
The costs, she said, “finally
grew to outweigh the benefits”
of providing a steady stream of
— Jose, Ratty swiper
Crash Bandicoot / Herald
meta-reflection and self-indul-
gent analysis to the campus.
Approached last night while
taking a smoke break on the
steps of the Rockefeller Librar y,
Indy Managing Editor Maude
La Joie said the publication was
glad the University was able to
find a buyer.
“As long as someone is willing
to shell out enough to shield us
from our own irrelevance, you
know, whatever,” she said.
Page 3
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CAMPUS NEWS & GOSSIP
Meet the corporation! – by Milena Suedi

Cruella Sanders
’76 P’04 P’06
Horace Penny- Robert ‘Billy’
Day Job: Aristocrat/Home-

Bagues ’60 Ruth J. maker

Day Job: Monopolist
Worst investment decision:
My daughter convinced me to let
her invest her allowance in High
School Musical, the company.
Most embarrassing country
club moment: Wearing the same
polo shirt two days in a row. My
golf buddies still won’t let me live
that one down…
Best memory at Brown: Meet-
ing all the fantastic kids of the
Brown Investment Group. I
hope you all still have my busi-
ness card!
Thurston P’03
Day Job: Oil baron
Interests: Country music,
trucks and God. Bitches!
Favorite phrase: “You ain’t oil-
field, you ain’t shit.” And that’s
God’s honest truth.
Why Brown?: The two I’s: im-
mortality and immorality. I hate
this place. It turned my son gay
and costs 50k a year. But I want
a building with my name in big,
gold letters.
To drink?: Starbucks misto
soy cappuccino with Splenda.
Simmons
Day Job: Financier
Resume: Previously presi-
dent of five other universities,
including Ohio State Univer-
sity, Vanderbilt University and
Brown (during a first, much-
troubled stint in the 90s). Inher-
ited vast petroleum fortune as a
teenager.
Favorite beverage: Diet root
beer.
Pet peeves: Missing Ratty
cups, Bergeron before her morn-
ing coffee.
Best place for a quick escape:
Favorite food: Definitely the
fish that my husband catches off
our boat in the Bahamas. We only
have a rustic little kitchen on the
yacht, but boy do our cooks man-
age to fry up the fish perfectly.
In terms of ethnic food, I would
say Swedish.
Biggest achievement as a
parent: My children have such
diverse friends. It’s a joy to see
them learn about different cul-
tures and beliefs. Just yesterday
my son Maximilian was playing
with his little Catholic friends on
the Upper West Side! Imagine!
Most overused word: Not that
Leticia Valenzuela
Rodriguez-Smith
’86
Day Job: Corporate lawyer
Favorite food: Salmon proven-
cal, filet mignon and ... tacos?
Favorite memory from home:
New Jersey outlet malls, visits to
jazz clubs in New York
No, your real home: Oh, you
mean Argentina? I don’t re-
ally speak Spanish, but I like the
desserts.
Hope for Brown’s future: More

Slam, bam, poetry jam

Foxwoods on blackjack night I spoil my children, but my most financial aid, better access to cross-
Biggest Brown regret: Not get- overused phrase is probably “put cultural resources and greater
ting the Sci-Li destruction plan your pony away, Henrietta.” My diversity of foods in Taste of the
By Ezra Kilogram indivisible like some prime number, approved by my fellow corpora- daughter always forgets to put World line.
Contributing Writer and number than ever. Why so empty tion members. her horses in the stables!
and queasy? Not easy to answer, but
Hey. So you bought a thesaurus. Po- wordplay saves the day. Now some-

‘Stonerexia’ an epidemic on campus

rous thesaurus glorious. Got some- one will listen! Your rhymes might be
thing to say so you’ll say it, Roget it ache-worthy, wooden stake-worthy,
risqué it say it. vampire-style. Your verse is nothing
You need to express depress con- but scraps, and still you get snaps — By Mary Jayne
fess — have to share it, you swear NOT claps, that’s so establishment Staff Dealer
it, no expense spared on these your — from an audience hooked on bawdi-
words, silver words, gold’s kin you just ness. Validation triggers salivation A team of researchers in the Brown
wrote down in that — (l’appétit vient en Department of Psychology have
red Moleskine.
ARTS & CULTURE mangeant) The Ap- identified an alarming trend among
So much inside you that needs to petite Grows As You Eat — and now college students — stonerexia.
escape, needs to shed the lead parka you bleat, self-proclaimed aesthete Though the more common forms
this stifling silence imposes. (forget about discreet). You bare it all, of “-rexias” are “definitely and totally
Oh look! A microphone. Now your hope someone will care at all — please known across the country,” said
filament thoughts shake off their man- please spare us all. You appear sincere, Robert McCamferty, professor of
acles, your expressions express and but my ear hears through your cash- psychology and lead author of the
confessions confess your oppression. mere veneer. “Why am I here? Why paper — published in Psychology
Red blood race race RACE through do I fear? Am I queer?” — oh dear. Today last week — the new trend
you, undo you. $46,000 a year. is “particularly alarming.”
“Is this thing on? Cool.” Tear? The “disease,” McCamferty said,
You’re twenty, you’ve got plenty, “Speak Your Mind!: Spoken Word
but down down in your Narcissus ’09” runs Friday and Saturday at 8
places you feel invisible, risible, as if p.m. in the Underground.
43% of UCS members don’t know what UCS does
By Stu Dent-McGovern
Contributing Writer
Though a majority of Undergradu-
ate Council of Students members
— 54.3 percent — hold a favorable
opinion of the Council, a signifi-
cant minority have ‘no opinion’ of
UCS, according to a recent Her-
ald Poll. Only 2.7 percent of UCS
members hold a negative opinion
of the group.
The 43 percent of UCS mem-
bers without an opinion on their
organization is on par with pre-
vious years’s results, though re-
sponses where phrased differently.
In the spring 2008 poll, 39 percent
of members replied “Don’t know/
Don’t give a shit.”
UCS President Brian Becker
’09 said he was “satisfied” by the
majority approval rating. He added
that the high proportions of UCS
is characterized by a person’s unwill-
ingness to consume nourishment
throughout the day in anticipation of
what he called “the munchies.”
“After a particularly intense social
event in which marijuana is inhaled,
ingested, vaporized or bonged, peo-
ple often find themselves desperately
searching for something cheesy or
sugary,” he said. These unstoppable
feasts — during which participants
can consume entire pizzas or pans
of cookies before realizing they are
even eating — can drive “stoners” to
save on calories throughout the day
so that they can gorge themselves
members with no opinion was “of
no concern to (him).”
UCS Communications Chair
Clay Wertheimer ’10 said “The
members that do have an opinion
on (UCS) approve of their own
activities over whelmingly. We
need to reach out to the rest of
the Council (and) let them know
what issues they’ve been working
on and how they’re affecting life
on campus.”
Several first-year members of
UCS said they did not have enough
information to form an opinion.
“I thought I was circulating a
petition to legalize same-sex mar-
riage in the Sudan,” said Anna Vose
’12, “But instead the signatures got
me onto UCS.”
“I can’t form an opinion of the
council until I know their position
on same-sex marriage in the Su-
dan,” added Vose, who has yet to
without guilt.
“When I’m in that state where I
subconsciously find myself methodi-
cally dipping my hands into a carton
of goldfish, I don’t want to have to
think about the burger I consumed
earlier in the day,” said Jay Gold
’10, a self-described “connossieur
of herbal refreshments.”
“There are few things as pleasur-
able as eating stoned,” echoed Barry
Man ’09, who was holding a suspi-
ciously pipe-like implement at the
time of the interview. “So, I mean,
why would I eat unless food could
taste three million times better?”
attend a meeting.
One member said he was unable
to form an opinion of the council
despite dedicated participation.
“I attend ever y meeting and
take notes,” Samuel Leon ’12, a
general body member, said. But,
he added, “I’m still not sure exactly
what UCS is.”
UCS is not the only campus or-
ganization reacting to the poll re-
sults. Students for a Democratic So-
ciety member Joe Johns ’10 called
the poll results “troubling.”
“UCS is so closed, they don’t
even know what they do. Brown
SDS sees it as our responsibility
to bring transparency to the Coun-
cil,” Howard said. SDS members
forced their way into last week’s
UCS meeting, where Vice Presi-
dent Mike McCombie ’10 escorted
them to the couches reserved for
members of the public.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD Page 5

C ampus N UDES
Winter sports: Blah freaking blah
By Band Ruaca
Spor ts Editor
I get tired of leading every article
with the words “It was a rough
weekend for the Bears.”
Each weekend seemed to go
something like this:
The men’s basketball team
lost a pair of close games that
slipped away down the stretch.
That might have had something to
do with the fact that four starters
played at least 38 minutes apiece
in each game.
The women’s basketball team
lost its games by posting scores
that a football team might con-
sider decent, as the leading scorer
poured in a whopping nine points.
Robbie Corey-Boulet / Herald But they did show for titude in
Matt Dudez ’10 and 7th-grader Erin Spark share notes at the Wheeler
School’s cross-registration program.
cutting the deficit to 12-8 at one
point.
Both hockey teams probably
Linebacker, 7th grader enjoy lost twice. The men were schizo-
phrenic, going 2-0-2 against Har-
vard and 3-23-3 against ever yone
else.
The women were shut out
twice, after which Head Coach
Digit Murphy all-too candidly be-
moaned her team’s shortcomings
to our reporter. Ah, the terrible
things we could have printed if
we were vengeful.
SPORTS
The gymnastics and wrestling
teams posted a lot of individual
results, but to be honest none
of us was ver y good at covering
those teams.
As for the other winter teams,
equestrian, fencing, skiing,
squash, swimming and track and
field, they probably did something
on any given week that we didn’t
cover. We don’t have enough re-
porters, but there are other good
reasons.
The equestrian team doesn’t
compete anywhere near campus.
Hell, they practice all the way out
in Warren, which still strikes me
as a strange place for a farm. And
covering fencing always ends in
far too many Zorro references.
Sure, the skiing team was al-
ways in New Hampshire and we
often couldn’t find the results on-
line for days, but the real reason
we avoided covering them was
my envy. I ski four days a year,
but sometimes I dream that if
I had grown up as a ski bum I
could have become a pretty good
racer.
Squash just seems too snobby.
The swimming and diving teams
were forced to host “home” meets
at Wheaton College because the
Department of Athletics wasn’t
forward-thinking enough to flood
the gravel pit where Smith Swim
Center used to be. And we just
don’t care that much about track
and field.

cross-cultural exchange
continued from page 1
see the importance of balancing
equations for real.”
Spark shared the sentiment. “I
think Matt is really improving,” she
said. “He might be able to do well
on the next test if he thinks about
it a lot.”
Since the program began last
month, Estes said he has noticed a
marked improvement in his players’
confidence.
“They’re doing well in their
classes now,” he said. “I only hope
the middle-school students can learn
something from our physically strap-
ping guys, too.”

Ugh, problem set due

By Anjali (INd. English)
Staf f Linguist
SCI LI, 9TH FLOOR — Even though
there was a midterm like last week
and none of the answers are in the
back of the book, Problem Set No.
11 is due tomorrow, your syllabus
reports.
As of press time, you had not yet
started the problem set, and while
sources report that chapter 13 ab-
solutely blows, there will not be any
extensions, according to an e-mail
obtained by The Herald from your
TA, Ivana Reginova GS, which was
obviously written partially with the
aid of freetranslation.com.
“In that the homework sets
are an essential peel (sic) of your
study of the field of mathematics,
you must turn in your homework
problem set without an extended
period,” Reginova wrote.
Given that you currently have a
91 average, you briefly considered
dropping the problem set, until you
remembered that you already used
your one drop on Problem Set No. 2
back in January, technically, when
you slept through your alarm and
the fucking TA wouldn’t accept it
after 12 p.m.
Making things worse, you dis-
covered recently, is the fact that
Problem Set No. 11 has no fewer
than 12 Jesus-flipping problems,
some of which are divided into
parts a, b, c and even an are-you-
joking-me c-sub-Roman-numeral-i
through iii.
Sources close to you confirmed
that you were unable to even do the
reading for Chapter 13 this weekend
due to an unexpected trove of Sea-
son 3 episodes of “The West Wing”
that turned up on the Internet.
Your only friend in the class, who
also still has your lab book, was un-
available for comment — fuck.
Editorial & Letters
The Brown Daily Herald

Page 6 | Wednesday, April 1, 2009

e d i to r i a l

Yes we can!
It’s time to stop beating around the bush: Brown has started down the
slippery slope to state-schoolism, and its students are paying the price. With
the economy in shambles, an Ivy League degree isn’t worth what it once was.
Nepotism is dying, and employers are increasingly concerned with what they
deem “employee production value” — their goodwill towards Brown’s brand
of indolent intellectual-elitism is waning.
It’s time to get real: Surrender dreams of self-employed artistry and half-
hearted philanthropy; break ground in fields once deemed gaudy and shal-
low. What we need are politicians and pundits, execs and entrepreneurs—in
short, difference-makers, people who can pull this country together. Skeptics
will say it’s impossible, that the coma of our liberalism is too deep. But if we
retool and re-motivate — if we start now — there’s still a chance we can turn
things around.
This editorial is meant to inspire, not discourage — we wouldn’t address
a problem if we didn’t have a solution in mind. Though the upcoming battle
with reality is sure to be trying, we at the editorial page board have once again
found your ticket to salvation: Adderall.
A recent Herald poll revealed that last semester 89.9 percent of Brown
students abstained from illegal use of prescription stimulants. All we have to
say is this: What the hell, guys? Honestly. This is just the type of apathy that’s
brought the University to an abysmal 16th in U.S. News and World Report’s
ranking of top national universities. If you want to change the world, if you
want to save Brown’s reputation and maybe, one day, get a job, you’re going
to have to make some sacrifices, bend a few rules. ALEX YULY
Stop whining about your apprehensions. Listen to your hipster L.A./N.Y.
friends: Adderall’s purported side effects are just shallow attempts by THE
MAN to keep you from realizing your potential. We’re sick of watching you
squander Wednesday nights drooling over books in the absolute quiet room
l e t t e r to t h e e d i to r s
or sweating on drunken freshman at Fish Co. The world is falling apart! This
is no time to slack off.
We’d like to highlight the success of Brunonian Sean Quigley as proof of just
what one can accomplish with the help of study drugs; armed with only God’s
U. should seek out profitable business ventures
word and a handful of 30mg extended release tablets, Sean has managed to
beat back the legions of naysaying Trustafarians. While the Cellucci-Stripper To the Editor: such as real estate or hotel management.
scandal of 2008 bars us from advocating recreational use of the drug, take a Dear, I am honourably seeking your assistance in
page out of Sean’s book and cheek one or two next time you’re headed to the Permit me to inform you of our desire of going into the following ways:
library. Speed up — it’s time to make a difference! business relationship with you.I am quite aware that (1) To provide a bank account into which this money
Ready for change? Need help scoring? Call Anish Mitra, dealer to the stars, my message will come to you as a surprise because it would be transferred to.
at (401) 863-3953. is indeed very strange for someone you have not met (2) To serve as a guardian of this fund since I am
before to contact you in this regard.I am Ms.Eve Kone only 22years.
Editorials are written by The Herald’s editorial page fascists. Send comments to the only daughter of late Chief.and Mrs.Dikko Kone. (3) To make arrangement for me to come over to
spam@browndailyherald.com. My father was a very wealthy Coccoa merchant in your country to further
Abidjan, the economic capital of Ivory coast, my father My education and also to secure a resident permit
was poisoned to death by his business associates on in your country.
e l b r o w n d a i ly h e r a l d
one of their outings on a business trip . My mother died Moreover,Dear I am willing to offer you 15% of the
when I was a baby and since then my father took me so total sum as compensation for your effort/ input after
special.Before the death of my father on March 2006 the successful transfer of this fund into your nominated
in a private hospital here in Abidjan he secretly called account overseas. Furthermore,Dear please indicate
me on his bed side and told me that he has the sum your options towards assisting me as I believe that this
of(Seven million,five hundred thousand United State transaction would be conclude within seven (7) days
Dollars).USD($7.500,000,00)left in fixed / suspense you signify your interest to assist me.
account in one of the prime bank here in Abidjan, that
he used my name as his only daughter for the next of Anticipating to hear from you urgently.
Kin in depositing of the fund.He also explained to me Thanks and God bless.
that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned Yours Sincerely,
by his business associates.That I should seek for a Ms.Eve Kone.
foreign partner in a country of my choice where I will March 30
transfer this money and use it for investment purpose

Сосновый лес. Чистое экологичное место

To the Editor: место. Собственность.

Срочно продаю 103 гектара земли по цене 880 рублй Также есть участки по первой и второй линии берега
за сотку. Состоит из 4 участков: 12 га,16 га, 28 га, 47 га. Волги.
Земля находится в 190 км от МКАД. Тверская область.
До Волги 800м. Асфальтированная дорога до участка. Контактный тел.
Электричество по границе. Ведется газификация. (495) 2204-022
Красивый вид. Сосновый лес. Чистое экологичное March 31

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Opinions
The Brown Daily Herald
Listen to
me
BY HAROLD
COLUMNIST
Guest Columnist
I have a lot of opinions, so I decided to write
this column. I think that everyone should
know my opinions, because I have a lot of
valuable suggestions for the Brown com-
munity.
For one thing, we could improve our
dining halls by having better food. Good
food is delicious, so we should ask the
Ratty workers to make some. Some ex-
amples of good food include Antonio’s
Pizza and magic bars, and those spe-
cial brownies my roommate made last
year on Spring Weekend. They were
also magic.
We should change the name of the Uni-
versity, because brown is the color of poop,
and I’m sick of my friends at other elite peer
institutions making fun of me. If we are to
compete with Harvard and Yale, we need
to have a more prestigious-sounding name,
like “Green,” which is the color of money.
If we changed our name, I think it would
bring more money to our endowment,
which is currently very small. This also
should change, but it probably won’t until
the members of the Corporation stop eat-
ing babies.
I also think that, while on the whole the
New Curriculum is a good thing, there are
some things about it that should be changed
for the better. The fact that we actually have
to go to classes is definitely against the
spirit of the New Curriculum, and I high-
ly doubt that such a restraint on academic
freedom was not what Ira Magaziner ’69
P’06 P’07 P’10 P’15 P’18 envisioned.
In addition, we should change the Uni-
versity’s motto to “In Science Speramus,”
because God is clearly a social construct in-
vented by illiterate medieval peasants. So is
sexuality. That is why we need to institute
mandatory gender-neutral bathrooms.
Brown has done a great job letting in lib-
eral, tolerant students, but there are still a
few Republicans in our midst. Since every-
one knows that Republicans spread intoler-
ance the way illiterate medieval peasants
spread plague, we should round them all
up, line them up against the wall and shoot
them until they agree to become as tolerant
as we are.
You know who’s great? Ruth Simmons.
She doesn’t need any improvement. I want
to have her babies. I hope the Corporation
won’t eat them.
I think that if Brown institutes the
changes I have proposed in this column, it
will truly be able to live up to its potential. If
it doesn’t, it will follow A FIERY PATH OF
DESTRUCTION INTO HELL.
Also, Nas should teach hipsters to be
more manly.
Herald to reduce headline sp-
In response to decreased print ad revenue
and increased costs in the current eco-
nomic crisis, starting today, The Herald
will begin a series of changes designed to
reduce printing and production costs.
Chief among these changes will be
a reduction in headline width and text
weight, along with the implementation of
The New Order
LORD KENNEDY
Guest Columnist
Greetings, Brown community:
Just before spring break, The Herald
published an article about me and my
plans for the Watson Institute for Interna-
tional Studies (“Watson director’s unpopu-
lar agenda draws ire,” March 16).
In this article, I was accused of “push-
ing a legal studies program staffed by close
personal acquaintances with non-tradition-
al academic credentials” and “alienat(ing)
many colleagues.”
The article continued with this biting
tone, implying that my “romantic relation-
ship” with my partner of 20 years was inap-
propriately used as the reason for his hir-
ing. Ouch.
At first I was hurt. I’ve only been tr ying
to do my job, after all. New and exciting ap-
pointments, an expanded curriculum, may-
be even interdisciplinar y studies.
But then I thought, maybe they’re right.
Maybe I am being a bit tyrannical. May-
be… maybe that’s not such a bad thing.
Which brings me to my next order of busi-
ness.
My official title has been “interim direc-
tor of the Watson Institute.” Until now.
As of this moment, my new title will be
simple: Lord.
So what does Lord Kennedy plan to do
Statistics say your team sucks!
BY JONATHAN HAHN
Sports Columnist
It’s official: Your team sucks. They can’t do
anything right. It’s finally been confirmed
and backed by irrefutable statistical metrics
from more knowledgeable statisticians at
ESPN, the CIA and AIG. You can feel at
ease knowing that now you can quantify
how bad your favorite team or player really
is using an obscure stat found somewhere
on the internet. Your favorite player can be
broken down to a number, a bad one, just
like you.
Stats help provide objectivity to sports.
Baseball has lots of impor tant stats like
Cap/Crotch Adjustment Frequency (CAF)
or Times Stepped Out of the Batter’s Box
(TSOBB), but other sports have stats too.
Take for example, basketball’s focus on
Free Throw Line Hand Slaps (FTLHS) or
football’s obsession with Thinking Indepen-
dent Tackling Statistics (uh, yeah). If we
wispy, ephemeral or palpably gay fonts.
Also, editing and layout time will be
reduced, though we remian committed
to providing our readerz with the highest
qaulity of writin’ and reportign.
Thank you for your continued reader-
ship and support as we adjust to these
tough times.
with his new power? A little housekeep-
ing.
Ever yone at Watson who doesn’t like
legal studies is now fired. Sayonara. That
means “goodbye” in Japanese. I know that
because I RUN the international scene at
Brown.
I really like the architecture at the Wat-
son Institute, but I’ve always found it lack-
ing a little… I don’t know, pizzazz. Which
explains the throne I’m installing on the
top floor. It also explains the soldiers now
patrolling the hallways with swords and
My official title has
been Interim director
of the Watson Institute.
Until now.
daggers.
Methinks that The Herald has gone too
far as well. Thanks to their recent cover-
age, you are now holding in your hands
an historical artifact. The ver y last copy of
the Brown Daily Herald. Enjoy it while you
can — I’m planning on banning freedom of
speech in a few years.
This feels good! I think I’m going to go
a bit higher. Hey Ruth. Yeah, Ruth Sim-
mons. You’re gone. I’m president now. And
I’m bringing all my buddies with me. Ev-
er y person I’ve ever had a crush on is now
a dean. Including me.
Ah, it didn’t have to be like this, Brown.
can quantify how bad your team is, we can
quantify you, and thus measure how what
you do, causes your team to suck.
The real reason the Yankees can’t win is
because you root for them. It’s your fault.
Their PWCA, People Who Care Average,
which measures the number of people
around the world who care about the team,
You care too much. Stop.
Seriously. And if you’re still
not satisfied with what the
stats say, you could always go
old school by getting a real
defense in the Bronx.
is astronomically high at 161m. My mistake,
that’s the number of dollar menu items CC
Sabathia can buy to keep his figure slim.
The actual rating is much higher, like 26
billion people, animals, plants, and inanimate
Does this bohter you?
Chill out! It’s just a typo.
theindy@gmail.com
Wednesday, April 1, 2009 | Page 7
You could have just crumbled like Austria
to Germany (another international refer-
ence!). But you had to play hard. And now
this is happening.
Let’s return to The Herald article: Ross
Cheit, an associate professor of political
science, said about me, “He came to build
a legal institution.” You don’t know me! No
one does!
Professor Cheit likes to study jails, so
I think I’m going to help him — by giving
him tenure as the first inmate of the new
Brown Prison.
Don’t worr y about building costs —
it’s in the basement below the Friedman
Center. You didn’t know that the Fried-
man Center had a basement? Well, I didn’t
know I had such a short temper. But I do
and now we have a prison.
You may be asking yourself, “What will
life be like under Lord Kennedy?” It will
be, like, awesome. For me. Don’t worr y,
though, there’s a role for you as well.
You will help me create my kingdom by
taking “labor” courses. I’ll need engineer-
ing students to help design the pyramids
which students will then build with their
blood and sweat. Other students can build
statues of me or learn the proper sacrificial
rituals which will make up the new manda-
tor y religion of Kennedy worship.
Look, I know this may come as a bit of
a shock to some readers. Deal with it. And
remember this: You are helpless to resist.
Embrace my rule or flee — here I come!
Lord Kennedy can be reached by
thinking seditious thoughts.
objects like rocks or dusty trophies. Look
at the evidence, teams with a low PWCA
or no fans win the World Series. The Mar-
lins (five guys), White Sox (the few smart
Chicagoans, like Obama), Diamondbacks
(Arizona is a state?), Cardinals (they’re only
there for the “American” beer), and Phillies
(those who got kicked out of Eagles games)
have all won the World Series because no
one cares or roots for them.
So Yankees fans, the secret to success
is to stop caring and your team will win,
although this strategy hasn’t helped Brown
athletic teams, ever. It’s simple math. You
care too much. Stop. Seriously. And if you’re
still not satisfied with what the stats say, you
could always go old school by getting a real
defense in the Bronx. Oh, and of course a
shortstop that can move farther than two
feet.
Jonathan Hahn ’10 is Royals and
Nationals World Series!
 наши дни
коричневый ежедневно герольд
Новости в изображениях
Календарь
Today, april 1
7:30 p.m. — “My weekend vacation in
Rhode Island,” with former Sen. Barack
Obama, Wilson 305.
9:00 p.m. — “Lost” party with free
beer, Dave and Ben’s room.
меню
Sharpe Refectory
Lunch — Barbeque Sauce, Sweet and
Sour Sauce, Honey Mustard Sauce,
Bleu Cheese Dressing, Nacho Cheese,
Hummus, Maple Syrup, Oatmeal
Dinner — T.I. Prison Send-off Theme
Night with Live Music
кроссворд
5
to m o r r o w to day
4th annual Herald scratch n’ sniff
Valu-Pak® coupon section
7
Вторник, 1 апреля, 2009
283 / 276 K 12 / 5.55 ºC
Page 8
Cabernet Voltaire | Stephen Lichenstein and Adam Wagner
Vagina Dentata | Abe Pressman
К
thursday, april 2
8:04 A.M. — Loud construction noise
outside your room
Enigma Twist | Kevin Grubb
4:00 p.m. — “Loving School: an en-
core performance with Katherine
Bergeron,” Salomon 101.
Verney-Woolley Dining Hall
Lunch — Predator “The Mad Chef”
Jones’s Giant Flipping Couscous
(bring your own utensils)
Alien Weather Forecast | Dustin Foley
Dinner — Polynesian Pork Piglets
The One About Zombies | Soojean Kim