The 7 Steps

Loving Connection
to a

with your child

By Sharon Turton

The 7 Steps

Loving Connection
to a

with your child

The bond you

share with your child
lays the foundation
for relationships
throughout their
life, and is the childs
primary source of
emotional health
and resilience.

The 7 Steps to a Loving Connection with your Child is a simple

guide to reconnect lovingly with yourself and your children.
It guides you to have the relationship with your child that you have
always wanted, even in the chaos and drudgery of daily life.
When children feel connected to you, the parent, they feel grounded
and safe. In seeking out this connection they may act out in exactly
the way that you dont want. Bad behaviour can give them your full
attention in the form of an angry outburst that leaves you both feeling
enraged, exhausted and disconnected.
The most effective and powerful teaching that your child can receive
is healthy role-modelling from their parent. For this to be a positive
experience it is crucial to be aware of how you respond to your child
when they are pushing your buttons, when you are busy, wrung out,
tired, stressed or overwhelmed with the demands of life.
The 7 Steps to a Loving Relationship with your Child addresses
just this. It guides you to regain your balanced composure, rather
than reacting unhealthily from your frayed emotional state. You will
be guided to reconnect lovingly with yourself so you can respond
appropriately & compassionately to the needs of the moment.

Sharon Turton

Sharon Turton 2012 / Web: www.connectingkidsbook.com / Email: sharon@connectingkidsbook.com / Phone: 0412 792 967

The 7 Steps

Loving Connection
to a

with your child

1. Take a pause and breathe

When you as the parent are

able to take a pause and
breath, when you are willing
to be real with your feelings,
when you feel compassion for
yourself in the moment,
when you practise empathy
& forgiveness, and when you
as the parent respond and
take action consciously, you
will be role modelling
powerful skills that will give
your child emotional resilience,
self-esteem and compassion
throughout their life.

Pause for a moment and slowly breathe in and out,

concentrating on your breath.

2. Acknowledge your feelings and feel them

As you pause and breathe, notice what you are feeling
and allow yourself to feel it.

3. Have compassion for yourself

Just for this moment let go of all the thoughts, and fall
into compassion for how you are feeling right now.

4. Be in just this moment

As you are gently present with your own feelings, you
are centring in yourself and resting in the now.

5. Open into empathy and forgive

Being centred in the clarity of the moment opens you
to empathy and ultimately forgiveness.

6. Trust in your intuition and take action

When you are empathetic your intuition is available to
you and you can respond healthily to the needs of the
moment and take action.

7. Be the role model you want to be

Role modelling appropriate behaviour to your child
is by far and away the most effective and profound
teaching that your children receive.

Sharon Turton 2012 / Web: www.connectingkidsbook.com / Email: sharon@connectingkidsbook.com / Phone: 0412 792 967

Step 1:

Take a Pause & Breathe

Pause for a moment and slowly breathe in

and out, concentrating on your breath.

Role modelling
this for our kids
teaches them
a powerful life
skill that will be
available to them
when they feel
stressed or upset

Taking a pause and stopping is the first step to regaining a healthy connection
with yourself and your child. Take a pause literally...and give yourself permission to
stop. Even if its just for a few moments. The act of taking a pause allows you some
healthy distance from the chaos or confusion of emotions that may be clouding your
better judgement in that moment. When we pause everything rushes into the
moment and we are more available for what is really needed.
Let go of the story of what happened and give yourself some distance from the
event. When we pause we put the brakes on the mind and we slow down.
The events of life will still be there to deal with whenever you want to, but the act
of taking a pause gives some relief from the turmoil of the situation. It allows you a
wider perspective of the issue at hand and you will then feel more centred to take
the most appropriate action.
Sometimes in the heat of the moment, taking a pause is the last thing our
self-righteous ego wants. It would often rather fight to the end, control and win at
all costs! This is when taking a breath is such a powerful ally.
As you pause, inhale slowly, bringing all your awareness to the breath. Hold for a few
seconds and breathe out slowly. As you breathe out imagine that you are releasing
the struggle, letting it go. Soften your belly and feel the rise and fall of your belly
with each breath. As you repeat this a few times you will notice you are coming back
to a more neutral position, bringing focus back to yourself.
The more stressed, anxious and excited we feel, the shallower we breathe. Taking
slow deep breaths brings you back to this moment where you are more able to
respond appropriately. Role modelling this for our kids teaches them a powerful life
skill that will be available to them when they feel stressed or upset. It gives them
greater objectivity in solving problems and navigating obstacles throughout their life.

The 7 Steps

Loving Connection
to a

with your child

Sharon Turton 2012 / Web: www.connectingkidsbook.com / Email: sharon@connectingkidsbook.com / Phone: 0412 792 967

Step 2:

Acknowledge Your
Feelings & Feel Them
Simply
acknowledge that
your feelings are
there and feel
them - whether
you are happy,
excited, proud or
whether you are
angry, sad or
scared. Just let the
feelings be there.

As you pause and breathe, notice what you are

feeling and allow yourself to feel it.

It is natural to feel emotions...they are part of the human existence.

In our society we revere intellectual intelligence, but this doesnt always make us
happy, compassionate or fulfilled human beings. It is those who are emotionally
intelligent and are able to acknowledge and feel their feelings, that have the
resilience and inner strength to healthily ride the waves of life.
So often we have been taught its not ok to feel. We have learnt to suppress our
feelings, deny them, or we disown them. We might blame someone else for our
painful feelings, as if they snuck up in the middle of the night and put them inside
of us! We might blame ourselves and beat ourselves up. Or all too often we dump
our pain onto those we love - our kids, our partner. These are all unhealthy reactions
born from our own unresolved issues.
There is another option, and that is to be real with your emotions! Simply
acknowledge that your feelings are there and feel them - whether you are happy,
excited, proud or whether you are angry, sad or scared. Just let the feelings be there.
If we try to judge a situation from an emotive place, we will usually react in a way
that we dont want. Old unresolved patterns may play themselves out leaving you
feeling more upset, guilty, victimised or resentful. Emotions have no meaning other
than the meaning we give them, and that is usually clouded by our beliefs around
how things should be, how they shouldnt be, how the kids should have behaved,
what they shouldnt have done.
However if just for a few moments you let go of the notion of right or wrong and
simply acknowledge what you are really feeling - and feel it, you will fall into a place
of realness which even though potentially painful in the short term, will have the
sweet taste of truth.
In the beautiful words of Brandon Bays Emotions are your gateway to the soul.
Dive into the core of any emotion, feel it fully and go right into the heart of it,
opening and surrendering to it. Freedom is here.

The 7 Steps

Loving Connection
to a

with your child

Sharon Turton 2012 / Web: www.connectingkidsbook.com / Email: sharon@connectingkidsbook.com / Phone: 0412 792 967

Step 3:

Have Compassion
For Yourself

Just for this moment let go of all thoughts and fall

into compassion for how you are feeling right now.

Being aware
of your painful
feelings creates
a softening and
a tender embrace
around them as if
you are embracing
a small child that
needs a hug.

As you allow yourself to feel whatever is really here, just notice if your thoughts are
blaming, justifying or judging what just happened. The mind is a tricky place to
dwell and it loves to indulge in the old story and give it more power than it really
deserves. The mind, like the ego, is bolstered by past challenges and painful
experiences, winding them up and bringing them into the present, adding fuel to
the issue at hand.
Are you loaded up with past experiences that keep pushing your emotional
buttons? Observe what is happening in you and any resistance you may feel. Does
it give you anything to keep judging, analysing, and dissecting thoughts about what
happened?
Just for a moment let go, and accept whatever you are feeling without resistance
or struggle.
When you feel your feelings without thoughts or the story attached, you will
connect deeply with yourself, whether you are feeling the burning fire of rage, or
the tender pain of grief. Just for a moment, completely accept things as they are
without trying to fix anything.
Being aware of your painful feelings creates a softening and a tender embrace
around them as if you are embracing a small child that needs a hug. Just allow this
hug for yourself - your own love and compassion is waiting there for you.
Let yourself just be with whatever you are feeling as you surround it with your own
love - and fall into the heart of it. This is not something that you can make happen,
but your own love and awareness creates a space for this to happen naturally.
So just fall into compassion for yourself - and rest there.
As you find compassion for yourself, compassion will naturally flow out to others.
Compassion opens the heart!

The 7 Steps

Loving Connection
to a

with your child

Sharon Turton 2012 / Web: www.connectingkidsbook.com / Email: sharon@connectingkidsbook.com / Phone: 0412 792 967

Step 4:

Be in Just this Moment

As you are gently present with your own feelings,

you are centering in yourself and resting in the now.

When the mind

comes to rest, and
you are in the
present moment,
you are gifting
yourself the most
precious, nurturing
and nourishing
present. Sharing
these moments
of full presence
nurtures the souls
of our children.

Let the busyness of your mind slow down, and imagine that your thoughts are
emptying away, like an hour glass emptying its sand. Feel yourself relaxing down
into your body...to your heart...your belly...your legs, and notice where you are
connecting with our beautiful Mother Earth. Feel the expansiveness and the
strength of the earth as you follow energy roots from your feet deep down to the
heart of the earth, and ground yourself in her stillness.
Just for now make a conscious choice to let go of the past - what you should have
done, what you didnt do, what you could have said, what you shouldnt have said.
And make that same choice to let go of the future - the overwhelming burden that
you may be carrying in your mind of all that you have to do. Instead, just focus on
now, and let yourself rest in just this moment.
In the present moment there is no past and there is no future. In the present
moment there are no shoulds or shouldnts, no cannots or have tos. In fact there is
no doing, no judging or no getting. And in this nothingness, there is freedom from
all your concepts of right or wrong, your judgements, your failures as a parent and
your unmet desires. In their place there is open space beyond the turmoil and the
struggle of the daily grind - even if it is just for a moment.
In the words of Eckhart Tolle, It is impossible to have a problem when your attention
is fully in the now. A situation needs either to be dealt with or accepted. Why make it
into a problem?
When the mind comes to rest, and you are in the present moment, you are gifting
yourself and your child the most precious, nurturing and nourishing present.
Unfortunately, we tend to give our children our full presence much more in the heat
of the moment when we are reacting with anger, rather than we are simply being
with them in the heart space.
Our children are kids for such a short time and the magical moments that we share
with them are priceless. It is these moments when we are fully present with them in
the now, that nurture the souls of our children. It may be sharing the beauty of a
sunset, the laughter of the kookaburra or the thrill of the first swim of the season.
It is these moments that foster deep heart connection with our children and are the
memories that we cherish throughout our life.

The 7 Steps

Loving Connection
to a

with your child

Sharon Turton 2012 / Web: www.connectingkidsbook.com / Email: sharon@connectingkidsbook.com / Phone: 0412 792 967

Step 5:

Open into Empathy

& Forgive

Being centred in the clarity of the now, leads

Tuning into the
inner world of our to empathy and ultimately forgiveness.
kids creates greater Being in the now without the influence of past or future gives you a wider
perspective of the situation. It allows you to see not only the surface reaction of
tolerance and
what happened but also to sense the underlying deeper pain of what might have
provoked the behaviour in the first place. Tuning into the inner world of our kids
understanding for
creates greater tolerance and understanding for what they are really feeling, as if
our own hearts are touching theirs. This is empathy - reflecting our true selves and
what they are
feeding our souls.
really feeling, as if
As we open to empathy, our own judgements and any of our needs to be right fall
our own hearts are away, and we are able to see our child lovingly without reacting to the surface
behaviour. This doesnt mean letting them have their way. In fact it gives you much
touching theirs.
greater clarity and perspective of the situation and what really needs to happen.
This is empathy When we are empathetic we can see beneath our own protective armour and
honestly enquire as to the cause of our own displeasure and reaction to our childs
reflecting our
actions. Is it something that you were reprimanded for when you were little? Was it
taboo in your family? Is it unacceptable in your culture, society, religion? Or are you
true selves and
just plain worn out with a short fuse?
feeding our souls.
Could your kids be hurting inside just as you are and their surface behaviour a cry
for help or an unsuccessful attempt to dispel their pain? Look beyond the surface
behaviour and sense how they are really feeling. This is true empathy. As you are
no longer attached to your negative emotions your whole being will relax. Wrap
them up in your unconditional love - even if you are standing on the other side of
the room!!!

Empathy creates healthy intimacy in relationships and is a precursor for forgiveness.

When we forgive we are released from the clenches of our own hurt, our anger, our
judgements and our blame. We let go. We can then reconnect lovingly with our kids
in the heart space - where real connection resides.
True healing flows from forgiveness.

The 7 Steps

Loving Connection
to a

with your child

Sharon Turton 2012 / Web: www.connectingkidsbook.com / Email: sharon@connectingkidsbook.com / Phone: 0412 792 967

Step 6:

Trust your Intuition

& Take Action

When you are

empathetically
connected with
yourself and your
child the messages
are loud and clear.
Listen to your
intuition. Listen
with your heart.

When you are empathetic your intuition is

available to you, and you can respond healthily
to the needs of the moment and take action.
Your intuition or your deeper knowing is always available to you. Just like the sky
above, it is always there, but it can be obscured by the cloudiness of our own
perceptions, judgements, ego games, our need to be right, to control - and our
magnificent blue sky can be completely hidden and feel unavailable to us.
The simple acts of pausing, being real with ourselves and empathetic with our kids,
allows the light of our own deeper knowing to blast through those clouds,
connecting us to our intuition and guide us to healthily fulfil the needs of the moment.
We are no longer controlled by external conditions or our unconscious impulses of
resisting and reacting. The ego may put up a battle as its whole identity is invested
in being right. But if you catch yourself at any old outmoded patterns...and stop...
your intuition will guide you to the right action to take in the moment.
After all, you as the parent know better than anyone what is needed. When you are
empathetically connected with yourself and your child the messages are loud and
clear. Listen to your intuition. Listen with your heart.
You dont need to accept a bad situation or deceive yourself and say there is nothing
wrong. If action is required respond to the situation from your deeper knowing,
rather than reacting unconsciously. When you listen to your intuition it will be very
clear what needs to happen and you can take firm, concise action which is born from
love. This positive action is far more effective than the knee jerk reaction which arises
out of anger or despair.
If you need to say No, be firm and clear as guided by your deeper knowing. Let it be
a non-reactive No that is free of negativity. Observe what happens to your child as
you no longer energise their position through your resistance or emotional
negativity. As the wisdom of eastern martial arts says so simply Dont resist the
opponents force, yield to overcome.

The 7 Steps

Loving Connection
to a

with your child

Sharon Turton 2012 / Web: www.connectingkidsbook.com / Email: sharon@connectingkidsbook.com / Phone: 0412 792 967

Step 7:

When your
children feel your
unconditional love
and acceptance
of who they are
as human beings, it
gives them an inner
sense of worth
and self-esteem
that will stay with
them throughout
their lives.
Parent from the
heart and be the
gardener of your
childrens souls.

Be the Role Model

You Want to Be

Role modelling loving behaviour to your child is

by far and away the most effective and profound
teaching that your child can receive.
The famous quote from Mahatma Ghandi Be the change you wish to see for the
world, is a powerful message for parents. When you, the parent, live with respect
and compassion, living your truth with an open heart and willingness to face the
challenges of life with integrity and courage, you will be deeply modelling these
powerful qualities to your children. This is the greatest teaching that you can give.
When our children are young, the family is their whole world, and we parents create
the environment in which they grow. Children learn about themselves and their
place in the world from their parents. If children can see their parents dealing
positively with negative feelings and challenging situations, then they realise that
they can as well. If on the other hand, they experience us as resentful, anxious or
defeated in the face of difficulties, they will be moulded by this over-riding
negativity that will limit them from living to their potential.
When a seedling is given good soil and care, it will flourish and grow into a strong,
healthy tree. Similarly children will grow confident and capable when nurtured with
healthy principles that are modelled compassionately from their parents.
By far and away the most important nourishment of all is the unconditional love that
you feel for your child. It is this love that nourishes the soul because it honours who
they are, not just what they do. When your children feel your unconditional love and
acceptance of who they are as human beings, (even when they are being
reprimanded for misbehaving, even when you are angry at their thoughtless
behaviour), you are giving the greatest gift of all. It gives them an inner sense of
worth and self-esteem that will stay with them throughout their life and hold them
steadily through the challenges that they will surely have to face.
Parent from the heart and be the gardener of your childrens souls.

The 7 Steps

Loving Connection
to a

with your child

Sharon Turton 2012 / Web: www.connectingkidsbook.com / Email: sharon@connectingkidsbook.com / Phone: 0412 792 967

Deepening T he 7 S teps...

I hope these 7 steps become an effective support for you as they have for me, guiding you compassionately through those
challenging parenting moments so you can respond positively to the issue at hand. Listen to your inner voice as to how to make
the best use of the 7 steps. It may be that after Step 1, when you pause and breathe, you may find yourself already in Step 6,
connecting to your intuition and responding with clarity to the situation at hand. Whereas at other times you may feel deeply
driven by an emotional reaction, and need to go through all the steps to regain balance and respond healthily.
As a single parent for many years I often struggled with overwhelming feelings of anxiety, inadequacy and sheer frustration.
I tried all the parenting techniques and tools about what to do when she did this, or how to act when she said that, trying
desperately to find an easier way to cope.
I gradually came to realise that I needed to look at my own issues, my own childhood conditioning, my anger and my high expectations
of my daughter and of myself, which were having a huge impact on how I was reacting to her normal childhood behaviour.
Over the years I found solace in 7 simple steps, which have led me to deal with tantrums, outbursts and distress of any kind with
an open heart and a firm resolve. The 7 steps gave me a simple yet powerful way to transition painlessly from a place of anger,
fear or frustration to a place of clarity, peace and strength.
The changes in our communication and connection have been profound and now I am blessed with a confident, loving teenager
who is happy in herself. She knows exactly how to push her mothers buttons - what self respecting teenager wouldnt? But
instead of reacting from my wounded ego with anger, fear or despair, I am now able to respond for the betterment of us both.
As you become more practised at the 7 steps you will find yourself responding healthily to the needs of the moment, taking
appropriate action and positively role modelling the behaviour that you want from your child. This will set a positive foundation
for relationships and emotional health throughout your childs life.
If you would like to gain more insights and deepen in this work, The 7 Steps to a Loving Connection with your Child - Online
Workshop, will be available soon. This workshop will support you even in the most challenging situation and deepen your bond
for years to come.
Along with this e-book I recommend you click on www.connectingkidsbook.com to see extracts from my book Connecting
Kids with their Inner Potential. It is full of easy to use tools, heart-opening activities, relaxing meditations and healing stories to
help you foster a deeper relationship with your child.
Please join us at our next Connecting Kids & Parents Day Retreat, where you and your child will share a magical day of
releasing, realising and reconnecting, supporting healthy communication and fostering a deeper connection.
See http://connectingkidsbook.com/workshops-2/connecting-kids for dates and venues.

Sharon Turton
Sharon has been working with kids and adults since the
early 90s and has been presenting childrens and parents
workshops around Australasia for the last 8 years. Her passion
is helping children and parents connect in the heart space,
clearing limiting beliefs and emotional blocks that may
inhibit a loving connection and healthy communication.
Sharons warm and compassionate nature creates a safe
embrace for deeper exploration. Sharon is a qualified
teacher, counsellor, naturopath, journey practitioner,
author and above all she is a mum.
Sharon has her own private practice in Sydney, Australia.

Sharon Turton 2012 / Web: www.connectingkidsbook.com / Email: sharon@connectingkidsbook.com / Phone: 0412 792 967