Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Volume II Edition XIII

New Planet Discovered

By LeeAnn Rhoden

Astronomers at the W.
M. Keck Observatory on
Mauna Kea in Hawaii
confirmed that there is
indeed a planet which
orbits our sun out past
Pluto. Heretofore it has
been assumed there was a
tenth planet and it had
been referred to as planet
X because it was only a
suspicion that it was there.
We believed there
was a planet out there due
to
the
observable
gravitational
effects
happening to Pluto and its
five moons. We couldnt
prove it so we just
whispered about it.

They werent the only

ones whispering. Since the
discovery of Neptune there
have been suppositions of
a planet X. With the
discovery of Pluto in 1930
some were convinced they
had
found
it.
But
researchers felt that Pluto
was too small to have the
effects on Uranus and
Neptune that they were
seeing. Then in 2006, it
was decided to downgrade Pluto from a planet
to a planetoid, or subplanet, based upon its
diminutive size.
Its really just a big
asteroid from the Kuiper
Belt beyond Neptune,

Clandestine Groups Here

By Snoop Cubby

Rumors of subversive,
clandestine
groups
meeting across the country
are not rumors, but
actually
true.
These
groups, disguised as book
clubs, writers groups, and
other
mundane
and
harmless gatherings, are
actually cells of a larger
faction all conspiring to
bring
chaos
and
controversy into our very
midst.
I, Snoop Cubby, had
the opportunity to go
undercover and observe
one of these so-called
groups.
It
was
so
disturbing that I can barely
come to the right words.
My colleagues, Ms.
Rhoden and Ms. Silver,
were by chance invited to
be guest speakers at a local
writers group. The guise
was they were interested in
hearing about the literary

magazine. Fearful for my

colleagues
safety,
I
managed to procure the
address of this meeting,
arrived early, and hid
myself from view.
Ms. Silver and Ms.
Rhoden gave a stellar
presentation and expertly
answered some tricky and
nuanced questions. It was
then when the group struck
with their dastardly plan.
They served a pot-luck
dinner.
Sure it looked innocent
enough, but we all know
that the way to a writers
heart is through their
stomach and how easy it is
to manipulate a persons
loyalties by proving food.
Especially with these two
ladies who love to eat.
I managed to divert the
groups attention allowing
myself to become the
target so the woman could
escape.

said Dr. Orbitt at W. M.

Keck. It got trapped in an
orbit around the sun. What
makes it interesting is that
it has moons.
According
to
Dr.
Orbitt, the odd wobble in
the orbit patterns of
Uranus and Neptune and
even Pluto would have to
be caused by a planet
between the size of Earth
and Saturn with a regular
and oval orbit pattern.
It would really be
fantastic if we could just
see it. What data we have
now,
aside
from
gravitational evidence, is
what we call regular
irregularities. Disruptions

in otherwise predictable
occurrences. Its all very
nuanced and difficult to
explain, clarified Dr.
Nebula.
The doomsdayers have
already named the planet
Nibiru claiming the planet
crosses into the inner solar
system every 3600 years
and causes catastrophe and
mayhem on Earth and
possibly whipping out life.
What the real question
then is, what number
would it be. Would this be
planet
number
10,
allowing Pluto to remain
the ninth planet, or, would
it be number 9 and
knocking Pluto out?

Hotel Nightmare
By - LeeAnn Rhoden

Just like the Eagles

song Hotel California, a
Nebraska man was trapped
in a hotel in Wichita, KS
while
traveling
for
business.
Mr. Klein, with the
Buller Flush Company
was meeting with clients
and potential clients in the
city. Buller Flush is a
company that makes the
flush handles and buttons
on the toilets.
It was terrible. I went

downstairs to check out

and then returned to my
room to gather my things
and take one last look
around, he said. When I
went to open my door to
leave, it was locked and I
couldnt get it to unlock.
A call to the front desk
sent housekeeping with a
master key to open the
door from the outside. Mr.
Klein was delayed for only
a few minutes but he was
found hyperventilating in
his room.

Weather

Index

As soon as the snow is

off the ground its time to
get out and weed the
gardens and fertilize the
grass and plants.
Expect
windy
conditions for kite flying
and stormy conditions
including tornadoes and
hail.

More News..............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor................
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, March 29, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition XIII

Snoop Cubby Suspended - Again

By Ellie Fitzgerald

If this isnt entertainment, then I dont know

what is. Last night, P&D
Reporter Snoop Cubby
crashed an event that Editors
LeeAnn Rhoden and A.
Marie Silver attended. The
event was hosted by
members of the Bookworms,
Beasts, and Brutes meetup
group in Augusta, GA.
Local area writers and
poets gather at various
locations once per month to
receive advice and support
from fellow writers.
Everything was fantastic! said A. Marie Silver.
The guests each prepared a
list of questions for our
question and answer session
after our presentation. They
were excellent questions!
After the Q&A session,
the P&D Editors were
invited to stay for the pot
luck dinner.
And thats when it all
went
downhill,
said
LeeAnn Rhoden.
Were still trying to
figure out why Snoop Cubby
was there, said A. Marie
Silver. No one invited him.
No one saw him come in.
Snoop
Cubby

disguised as a bookshelf
reportedly
indulged
in
several shots of Patrn

during the presentation

LeeAnn Rhoden and A.
Marie Silver gave.
The next thing we
knew,
said
LeeAnn
Rhoden, he was stripdancing on the coffee table.
The guests, caught off
guard, stood in horror as
layers of Snoop Cubbys
clothes were strewn all over
the room.
Despite their
shock, they remained calm
and composed, embracing
this horrid sight as a source
of inspiration for their
creative works.
I wrote a poem, said
one guest. Its called, No
One Should Look That
Bad.
Mines a horror story,
said another guest. Its
called, The Day the Socks
Flew Away.
Though no one was
seriously harmed by his
dance routine, Snoop Cubby
was driven home and placed
on suspension for his
actions. As you might recall,
this isnt the first time
Snoop Cubby was placed on
suspension.
The last
occurrence took place in
2014 when he leaked
confidential
court
documents for the infamous
Cat Lawsuit in which
Author Melissa Snark was
sued by her cats.

Dear Monica
Dear Monica,
My sons goldfish
keeps
dying.
Ive
purchased ten in the last
two months. What should
I do?
Sincerely,
Mr. Nemo
Dear Mr. Nemo,
Buy stock in goldfish.
Then youll get your
moneys worth.

Dear Monica,
Im running out of
ideas for meals to make for
my family. They want
breakfast,
lunch,
and
dinner every day. Its
exhausting. And if I dont
feed them, they whine.
What can I do?
Please Help,
Betty Crocker
Dear Betty,
Order take out and
wear ear plugs.

Editorial
By Sham Farce

It is well documented
that readers and writers
keep odd hours. This is
mainly due to the fact that
they have to hold down
jobs so their hobbies or
second jobs are put off to
the later hours of the night.
The Write Place, the
writers retreat we wrote
about in September 2014,
is completed and will host
its grand opening on
Wednesday. This will
provide a location where
writers can take a break
from their lives and otherwise uninspiring environs
and escape to what is
basically a spa for writers.
The
closer
to
completion of The Write
Place brought outcries
from
the
reading
community. Quite understandably to be sure.
Certainly readers should be
allowed a place where they
can go to read comfortably,
quietly,
and
without
interruption. This is to say
nothing about those people
who enjoy doing research.
Pilcrow & Dagger is
dedicated to finding a
solution to their plight. We
support readers and their
need
for
equal
consideration.

Letter to Editor
Dear Mr. Farce,
Im very concerned by
the
nature
of
your
classified ads. Over the
course of time, Ive noticed
several
advertisements
where parts of a Mini
Cooper are being sold off.
Is it your intent to harbor
chop shops in your
newspaper? Really? This
behavior is not legal and
should not be condoned. It
might be different if it was
a Mustang or Corvette.
Maybe even a Ferrari. But
a Mini Cooper? That is
just outrageous.
Please
screen your classified ads
before publishing them to
avoid harboring criminals
and their illegal intents.
Sincerely,
A Lover of All Things
Mini

Accepting
Submissions for the
May/June issue!
The Theme is
Travel
Or
Vacation
Stories!
Send them in now!

Rants & Raves

To the woman wearing
yoga pants and tank top in
the grocery store. You
need to lose about 100
pounds before wearing that
in public.
If you want to dye your
hair purple then please,
dont wear an orange shirt.
The stop sign is there to let
you know to stop before
proceeding
into
the
intersection. Running the

stop sign and nearly hitting

me is bad.
To the wonderful soccer
coach who helped my son
learn to kick the ball, thank
you so much!
Thank you to the ice cream
truck for coming to our
neighborhood and handing
out ice cream to all the
children. It was quite
refreshing.

Sunday, March 29, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition XIII

Classifieds
For Sale
Cast-iron water
pump. Guaranteed to give you
a work out and
pump
water.
Installation not
included.
Antique
typewriter. All keys
work.
Cannot
find ink ribbons.
This is NOT a
keyboard.
Wedding dress.
Never worn. I
loved it and got
ahead of myself.
Tickets for sale
for major sports
and
musical
events. Just tell
me what you
want. No cops.
Drivers
door
from
Mini
Cooper.
Window and inside
panel included.
Respond to this
ad
in
the
personals. Use
the words Hot
Wheels.

Wanted
Free food, free
housing,
free
education, free
healthcare, free
clothing. Basically my childhood back.
Riding mower
and someone to
actually ride it
and mow my
lawn. Edge and
trim a plus.
Chinchilla pair
to breed. Or a
chinchilla coat.
Old cast iron
cookware. Want
all types and
sizes.
Going
camping
and
cooking on fire.
Looking for a
Kirby vacuum
cleaner
with
complete set of
attachments.
Needs to work,
be in excellent
to good condition and still
have warranty

Horoscope

For Hire
Admin Asst. to
answer phones,
schedule appts,
run
errands,
interface
with
the public.
Finance Asst. to
make budgets,
balance books,
pay bills, make
deposits,
pass
out allowance.
Skilled
RN.
Must be expert
with Band-Aids,
and boo-boos.
Experienced
chef. Create interesting
and
nutritious meals
within budget.
Every day.
Full time housekeeper.
Must
vacuum,
dust,
declutter,
laundry, mop, do
dishes after chef
is
finished
cooking, clean
bathrooms.
Daily. All day.

Pilcrow
Exclamation
Point

Interrobang
Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand
Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

&

:
&
& *
:
!
@
( #
#
* ?
#
@
(
: *

&
&
*
!
Answer in next weeks paper

?
#

&
(
#
?

April 20 May 20

&

Authority
Point
Because
Sign
Octothorpe

Sudoku

March 21
- April 19

Dagger

May 21 June 20
June 21 July 22
July 23 Aug 22
Aug 23 Sept 22
Sept 23 Oct 22
Oct 23 Nov 21
Nov 22 Dec 21

Dec 22 Jan 19

You are strong and focused

today. You will get
everything done today.
Today is a good alone day.
Study, read, write, create or
learn something.
Dreams will take you down
new paths and on to new
adventures.
Reading is on your agenda
for most of the day. Get
involved in a good book.
Finances
are
your
consideration today. Look
for ways to save.
Quiet time spent with a
loved one is the plan for
today.
Solitude and meditation
will help you in this
emotional time.
Time with friends for
conversation and wine and
good news comes to you.
Paperwork
involving
finances and taxes consume
your day.
Free time is limited and
scarce today. What time
you have, spend alone.

Jan 20 Feb 18

Learn something on a
deeper level and take notes.

Feb 19 March 20

Sensitivity to others will

bring you closer to your
loved ones.