TINDR LOVING CARE

Written by
Jared Michael Choate

1621 Sonoma Ave

Berkeley, California 94707
jmchoate@gmail.com | 530.601.7697

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT.

A man and woman - CHAD and NIKKI - examine dinner menus.
NIKKI
You ever went out with anyone from
Tindr before?
CHAD
Never. But I thought Id give it a
try. You?
NIKKI
Same here. First timer.
CHAD
So youre big into yoga, huh?
NIKKI
Not really. I made that profile
months ago. What about you? You
look... different.
CHAD
That pictures from a while back.
NIKKI
(supremely unimpressed)
I guess so.
(beat)
Im gonna use the ladies room.
Nikki leaves and Chad looks at his phone, swiping right
recursively as a YOUNG WOMAN approaches.
YOUNG WOMAN
Are you Moustache Rocket?
CHAD
Excuse me?
She sits down and makes herself comfortable.
CHAD (CONTD)
And you are...
YOUNG WOMAN
Sapphire.
Chad is highly confused. Sapphire makes air quotes.
SAPPHIRE
Twilight Gurl 14.

2.

Chads jaw drops, crestfallen. The nightmare has occurred.

CHAD
Oh... Oh god no.
SAPPHIRE
You look different without the sombrero. Wheres your moustache?
CHAD
Youre not supposed to be here
until 9!
SAPPHIRE
It looked like a 7 to me. Sometimes
I get them confused.
A MALE WAITER brings a basket of bread to the table.
MALE WAITER
Are we ready to order?
CHAD
GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
(coughs)
Well need a couple minutes, I
mean.
The Waiter leaves and Chad stands, panicked.
CHAD.
You have to go. You have to go NOW.
SAPPHIRE
Why? I like this table. Its so...
tabley.
CHAD
Im allergic to balsam. Find a
table outside. Ill be right out.
SAPPHIRE
(standing)
Fine, Rocket. But hurry up. I want
you to watch me eat appetizers.
CHAD.
Thats weird. But okay. Now go!
Sapphire leaves just as Nikki exits the bathroom. Chad goes
blue in the face as she sits down.
NIKKI
You dont look well.

3.

CHAD
I... I have to poop.
Chad runs to the bathroom.
NIKKI
An unconventional approach to
wooing a lady... but okay.
Nikki swipes right on her phone as a BEARDED MAN approaches.
BEARDED MAN
Are you Twerkin Girl 7?
Nikki looks up.
NIKKI
Oh Jesus. What the hell are you
doing here, Hunk Hogan 69?
Hunk Hogan 69 sits down.
HUNK HOGAN 69
You can call me Hunk. I thought Id
come early. Feel out the vibe.
NIKKI
Well you cant be here now.
HUNK HOGAN 69
Are you here with someone else?
NIKKI
No. Well - yes. What do you care?
You met me on the internet! Just
assume Im getting it 57 kinds of
filthy from a bevy of suitors more
attractive than you. Go for a walk
and Ill talk to you when Im done!
Hunk Hogan walks away like deflated Eeyore. As he exits -NIKKI (CONTD)
And you better not be tied to that
beard. I need a man with a stache!
Hunk Hogan exits and Chad returns from the bathroom to find
Nikki swiping right on her phone.
NIKKI (CONTD)
(still swiping right)
Howre you feeling?

4.

CHAD
Im feeling much bet-NIKKI
Yeah, I dont think this is gonna
work without the moustache.
CHAD
What do you mean?
NIKKI
Ive found someone else.
(yelling outside)
Come back in Hunk! Im ready to go!
CHAD
Youre a deceitful, not yoga-doing
person.
(yelling)
Come back in Twerkin Gurl! Or
whatever your name is.
In walks Hunk Hogan 69 and Twilight Gurl 14 holding hands.
HUNK HOGAN 69
Sorry Twerking Girl 7, but Twilight
Gurl 14 loves me for me. And my
facial hair for my facial hair.
NIKKI
Fine. Get outta here.
(Swiping like a maniac)
I can have someone else here in
3... 2...
A MUSTACHIOED MAN walks in the front door, yelling aloud MUSTACHIOED MAN
Hi. Im looking for Twerkin Girl 7.
(beat)
But Ill settle for just about anything.
NIKKI
Get over here you piece of sexy
mustachioed mindlessness!
She grabs the Mustachioed Man and exits. Chad sits, noshing
on bread as the Male Waiter approaches.
MALE WAITER
Want to bump me up from tomorrow?

5.

CHAD
What time are you done?
MALE WAITER
Im off in 10.
CHAD
Perfect.
End.

(CONTD)