LOOKING TO YOU

12– August –2009

Work-zine Volume: 1 Issue 3

IN THE NEWS
BITING THE
CRUNCH
 Leading Ugandan
Daily apologises to “Africa will not be affected by the credit crunch.” money he was offering. Even the walking away
cultural leader for Don't you wish you could find the buggers who stunt failed to work.. His exact words were :
slander
said those words and give them a severe thrash- “bloody %@*& idiot $@#*$ .” Paul
 Whitney Houston ing? At the beginning of this year, general con- <MOFPDED> nearly cried when he was shopping
releases new
songs after seven sensus was that the financial crisis would not af- and could not believe the price tags on the
year hiatus fect Africa. Some one forgot to tell the boss that. shelves . Difficult times call for desperate meas-
 Clintons score si- Coz right now, every thing is being blamed on the ures. Stella <DSM> has reduced on her girls
multaneous brace crunch. Mark <an auditor in a leading firm> is night out. “we used to do two a month but now we
in Africa and Asia
irked by the announcement that there will be no do two every three months. And they are more
 New data shows payrise this year due to the crunch. “How about fun.” Johnny <Warid> is doing the Kenyan thing
US recession may
be ebbing the longer hours and more money we brought of going out only on Friday. “I don't do these kam-
in ?” He asks in vain. Betty <program coordinator pala theme nights anymore. Too expensive. And
 AIDS prevalence
rates shoot up in in a US sponsored NGO> is facing similar prob- some weeks I just stay home.” Joel in Nairobi
African youth
lems. “We are having heavier workload and tak- simply travels to kampala to party. “Man beer is
 Mateo’s hosts in- ing up duties of vacant positions. They are no cheaper in the Kabaka’s land.” Phionah has
teresting bloggers
longer hiring. Its too much stress but at least I’m moved to Kigali . “There is no night life here.
night
losing weight.” But its not only the workplace be- What would I spend on?” she reasons. Rhino
 South Africans run
riot ing affected, costs are rising across the board. <self employed> only does house parties. “A
Neil <withheld> swore at the taxi guy when he whisky bottle from a supermarket and you are set
 Chelsea draws 1st
blood was told that there are no more routes at the for the night. ” Eddy <construction firm> has dis-
covered supermarkets. “Beer in supermarkets is
 Deal reached in
Madagascar politi- EDITOR’S WORD
so cheap. I just go with my crew and park like two
cal crisis cars in the parking lot and keep refueling from
Another three weeks gone by and the third issue is
out. The work-zine is now nine weeks old. YOUR
 Fidel Castro pens usual good reading stuff is available and tips on
nakumatt. Music is there and company is cho-
book how to save are provided. Good business tips for sen. what more could you want? ” (Nakumatt lot
YOU will continue to be featured and YOUR start-
 Equity bank pyra- ups are still getting free adverts. Interesting , infor- on weekend nights is filled with crews hanging
mative and entertaining articles written by YOU
mid schemes hit have been published for YOUR reading pleasure . out—Editor ). Esther <ESKOM> just does bulk
Kampala The work-zine is all about YOU and the editor’s
word is totally boring in this issue. But we just want shopping. “Buy in bulk, save in bulk.” some others
 Chinese Bride to say “Arigato ” for all YOUR support. Please send
in YOUR articles. All articles are considered for like Hamu <ooomphdesigners> have disappeared
wears 2km long
publication. If YOUR article hasn't appeared in this
train issue , it will appear in the next. Write in with YOUR
altogether from the social scene. Kagimu <UBA>
everyday experiences or perspectives on what has has relocated upcountry. “Till its over,” he says.
 IPHONEs to be happened at work. YOUR ideas mean a lot to us
used to deposit and YOUR feedback counts. To paraphrase the We are all hoping that it will be over some time
cheques to ac- new Whitney Houston song , we are LOOKING TO
YOU. soon.
counts
Businge Abid weere

PLEASE SEND IN YOUR FEEDBACK TO OUR EMAIL ADDRESSES PROVIDED ON THE LAST PAGE
ORGANISATION IN FOCUS : DIAL –A –SERVICE Volume: 1 Issue 3

Dial-a-Service (DAS) is a first-of-its-kind, ultra modern, one- is higher than usual. MTN – UGX460 per minute, UTL –
stop information call centre in Uganda. Wholly owned by in- UGX500 (UTL’s was at UGX1,000! We hustled them to be real-
digenous Ugandans, DAS was incorporated in 2008 and istic and bring it down).
started operations in early 2009.
DAS was formed with a solution-oriented concept to solve the Besides receiving calls regarding Directory services, we are
problem of availability and retrieval of information in Uganda. now getting into Outsourcing. Our infrastructural capabilities
What we are trying to do is bring an end to all the neshing while allow us to handle multiple calls (inbound and outbound) simul-
looking for Directory services. If you get stuck taneously. Telemarketing is one of the services we
or lost in tiny Kla looking for a particular com- offer under Outsourcing. Organisations give us a list
pany’s premises or contact number, DIAL-a- of prospective customers to whom they want to mar-
SERVICE. You like to read, want to inquire ket, train our call agents on their products and ser-
about the price and availability of a book/ vices and we take it and run with it from there. An-
novel but don’t know the number for Aristoc? other example is Customer Satisfaction Surveys.
DIAL-a-SERVICE! You want to change some Want to know what your customers think about your
money but haven’t looked through the papers yet so you do not product/service? Give us your customer satisfaction survey
know the forex rates? DIAL-a-SERVICE! Want to impress your questionnaire and let us call them for you. This way you do not
kyana and take her to a fancy dinner, say Mexican, but do not have your employees tied up in tasks which are not directly
know if there are any Mexican restaurants in town? DIAL-a- generating revenue.
SERVICE! We encourage each and every company to send us The next time you are looking for business contacts and ad-
mini profiles with full contact address info so we can upload it dresses or telemarketing and customer satisfaction surveys,
onto our extensive database. DIAL-a-SERVICE! Try it. For further information find us at Plot
How it works: Dial 0902-000-000 (MTN) or 0901-100-001 (UTL) 13A Lugogo Bypass, Kololo Or call 0312266128/
and ask for information on some of the above categories. The 0777912680 / 0772860554
lead numbers are premium numbers so the call charge per unit

the money becomes hard

COUNTING PENNIES; how to save
 Make a budget. I know you won’t
make one but try.
 Note each expense. At the end of each
day, jot down where which money

went where. At the end of the week
you will know where al your money
goes and what expenses can be 
scaled back
 Withdraw once a week. Get money
from the bank you will need for the
whole week. This cuts down on bank
charges
 If you can, do your own stuff like shav-
ing your hair, cooking, laundry, mow- 
ing the lawn, repairing the broken
stuff, cleaning the house
 Eat in. cook your own food from home. 
Avoid restaurants if you can
If you can try night vendors who hit
streets with cheap produce
Buy from farmers directly in the early
morning at the markets on Saturday.
They are cheaper
 Buy in bulk. Make a list and buy all
you need in bulk from a store or su-
permarket which offers discounts or
points for purchases
Have a joint savings account with (a)
trusted friend(s). This way, accessing
 Have house parties if you must party.
Let everybody bring their own bottle.
There will be enough to go round
Fast . Or go on diet. Good for the soul,
body and pocket.
 Heavy brunch. Put breakfast and
Lunch together into one meal.
 Pack something from home. Throw it
in your handbag or briefcase
 Cut down on un-necessary expenses
 Borrow money only if you are going to
use it to make more money
Luwum Daniel < EY >
 Some things that grind my nuts
I've always thought that those stories about varied “numpties A workmate planned something small, but the whole world man-
“were just jokes and one could not really meet them in the work aged to impose itself on him and now he's getting to grips with a
place but how wrong I was. I know some people with IT degrees humongous do.
who can't read an instruction manual to save their life. Sexist I Ladies, just to alert you, it WILL be a small function (Gosh I hope
know, but they are of the petite gender. the trickle of applications doesn't get cut off completely and I die
a bachelor. Or, do I??? Let me get back to you on that one).
Does anyone read the fine print when installing software? Are we
a generation of <Next> clickers but not <Text> readers (OK I Why do ladies claim they do not want to be the focus of attention
don't usually read these as well but other people should) then put on THOSE shoes? You know the ones, the ones that
threaten to shatter the cement with each passing step; not to
Why on earth does the taxi tout not sit in the seat just behind the mention our ear-drums. Is this not a cry for attention? If it isn't, I
usual seat when a passenger disembarks from that particular don't know what is.
seat. I hate that they think they must always stay in the front seat
regardless of the fact that all the passengers in that row are still But more than all this I hate door to door salespeople: clothes,
there. (Is it just me or do these same touts enjoy great comfort at trays, bags, begging and whatnot. I can't abide them. My office
our expense?) looks directly outside through the gate - it's a converted house
(stop snickering at the back) - and I sit at the door so as you
Why is there, in every workplace someone who wants to be your come in the gate and walk up the stairs and look in the front door,
baddé, but for some reason you just can't stand the dude? Yes, it they are looking right at me so I can't avoid being the one
almost always is a dude. Sometimes when they talk to you, you to receive them. "Harro, my name is Blah Blah and I am coming
pretend not to hear a word. But trust them to insist until from company XYZ running a promotion..." I don't know how
you recognize their presence. Is it just me or do you all plug in an much more I can take before I bust a cap in someone’s a***.
ear-piece even though there is nothing playing on the computer Anyway, this rant must be closed out at some point and I choose
just so I can totally ignore them without seeming rude? Why do I this one.
even care about their feelings?
I leave you with the words of Robert Ingersoll
What is the real importance of having a big wedding? Does it “The true civilization is where every man gives to every other
have ANY advantages over a small homely (read cheap) func- every right that he claims for himself”
tion?
Herbert Crispus <http://byamukama.blogspot.com/>

OFFICE CHARACTERS : THE OFFICE GOSSIP

Many a time we have had to suffer with the effects of
gossiping. The office gossip has the talent to be both the
most hated and most talked to in the office. Talked to
when people want to hear what juicy stories she has to
offer and hated by those who become the subject of this
persons’ gossip. Can you imagine someone deriving a
sense of security and importance because their stories
they have spread are getting a lot of reaction or causing
a lot of drama, this is the office gossip.
Her most used phrases include, “guess what”,” can you
imagine…”, and the favorite “Let me tell you what is
really happening.” This person is usually good for noth-
ing at their job and the only way she can have control or
some sort of belonging is through spreading rumors.
The funny thing is most people try to keep info away
from this person, but however the news always finds
itself at her desk, ready to be dispensed to the rest of
the office. With a lot of salt and sugar added. The big-
gest effect she has is misinforming people and distrust
among peers.
Many people I know decide to befriend the office gossip
undercover, so as to get info from her and also supply
and hope you are not the subject of her k.b. this is how-
ever a wrong move, the gossip should be avoided at all
costs however juicy your stories are, you share them
with her if you don’t mind your boss knowing who you
are flirting with, etc/ Deal with the office gossip by not
dealing with them. Once you have identified a gossip,
make an effort to avoid discussing anything remotely
confidential near them. If they approach you with a new
rumor, politely but firmly inform them that you are not
interested in what they have to offer. Gossips tend to
seek out only those who are eager to hear the latest. Her
favorite topics include; who is sleeping with whom,
other peoples salaries, senior managers, Bebe Cool and
Zuena, to mention but a few.
Next week, the office flirt.
Barns Kalenzi
Auditor in Rwanda

Volume: #1 Issue #3
Work-zine

Organizational Culture
Eight monkeys are put in a room. In the middle of the room is
a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from the
ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder; all the
monkeys are sprayed with icy water, which makes them mis-
erable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb
the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be
sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the
eight monkeys attempts to climb the ladder.
One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new
monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the lad-
der, he immediately begins to climb up for the bananas. All
the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no
idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the lad-
der.
A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The
newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the
other monkeys beat the crap out of him. This includes the
previous new monkey, who participates in the beating be-
cause all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no
idea why he’s attacking the new monkey.
Progressively, all the original monkeys are replaced and eight
monkeys who have never been subjected to the ice water
punishment are now in the room. But none of them will at-
tempt to climb the ladder to reach the bananas, and all of
them will viciously beat the living daylights out of any new
monkey who tries. They actually have no idea why they can-
not go for the bunch of bananas and no idea why they will
beat up any of their lot who dares.
That, my friends, is how organizational culture develops. :-)
Jesse Birungi <DICTS>
12-August-2009
Volume: #1 Issue #3
RETIREMENT WATCH : TREES
National Forestry Authority (NFA) says virtually no timber plantations
have been established in Uganda for over 30 years and the 15,000 hec-
tares of plantations planted in the late 1960's and early '70's have been
'mined' over the last 10 years . Less than 2,000ha of mature plantations
remain, yet Uganda needs some 60-70,000ha of plantations just to meet
the country's projected timber demand by 2025.
Given the poor state of the current plantations, it is a surprising fact
that Uganda has excellent growing conditions to support commercial
tree growth. With good management and the adoption of intensive sil-
vicultural practices, growth rates can match the best in the world and
timber plantations can offer a solid return on investment.
Uganda has substantial areas of land suitable for timber planta-
tions .Potential investors must realise, however, that the areas are more
suited to pines than Eucalypts, being in hotter, drier areas.
The main requirement in Uganda is for general purpose timber for con-
struction, furniture making etc. Pine is very suitable for these markets
and could eventually replace much of the hardwood timber currently
being used. There is a good market for veneer logs (Nileply Ltd. in
Jinja), for electricity poles ( Eucalyptus spp.), which are currently be-
ing imported into Uganda and Near urban centres there is a good mar-
ket for building poles. There is also substantial market for seedlings.
NFA has estimated that on average in Uganda it will cost around
Ushs1.2M per hectare (US$700) to establish a plantation. This cost
covers all expected costs up to canopy closure. Costs will differ signifi-
cantly on different sites and also depending on the supervision and
level of skills of the labour. Other factors that can influence establish-
ment costs are the scale of the planting, the level of mechanisation and
the timing and frequency of key operations - especially weeding.
A recent independent study carried out for the NFA (by LTS Interna-
tional Ltd.) calculated real rates of return (RoR) of 9 to 15%. When
adjusted for inflation at 5 to 6%, these RoR approximate to 15 to 18%
financial RoR including inflation, which is very favourable compared
to plantation investment in numerous other countries
Opportunities exist under the National Forest Plan (2000), Forestry and
Tree-planting Act (2003) and the Land Act (1998) for entrepreneurs to
lease land within forest areas for 25 to 49 years to plant trees.
NFA with funding from the European Union has also put in place the
Saw log Production Grant Scheme (SPGS) to promote the business of
growing commercial trees in order to develop a sustainable forestry
industry in Uganda.
The main incentive for private growers is the planting grant provided
under the SPGS, which covers half of the estimated establishment
costs.
Sourced from http://www.sawlog.ug/gpage3.html and Tom Twesigye.
More information can be got from National Forestry Authority
Volume: #1 Issue #3 Work Zine

it happened again! KINYIIZO NO.1 REPLAY!

So I’m in the office, commenting on some blogger's writings, when the boss comes up After dragging my sole on the ground with my foot like a lame goat, this boda man

to me and asks to put in an order for lunch at some expensive restaurant down the comes up to me.

road. It being one of those things they just happened to forget to put in the job descrip- 'Nyabo ogeenda?'<Madam , are you going?>

tion, I do as I’m told. The rest of us wait for our simple lunch, and enjoy it, while the 'Ye ssebo.< Yes please>' I answer, as I watch him come and park in front of me.

boss looks on, waiting for his. The hunger must have been unbearable, coz seconds (Do bodas park???) Anyway, knowing I have only 300shs which was supposed to

later, he stands up and leaves for his office. In the middle of my meal, his order ar- be for my taxi, i decide to do the only noble thing a lady in my situation would do.

rives. Wrapped in labeled foil with a decoratingly scented receipt, I receive the order Flirt-beg!

and go up to the boss' office to get the pay. He happens to be on the phone, and if I 'J'ebaale ko ssebo'<How do you do sir?>

remember well, I was told never to interrupt a phone call unless my intention was to 'J'eebale' <I do fine madam>he answers!

get sacked. Seeing that it was taking too long, I decide to pay for him, then claim my 'Ensuula!' <how is your day?>I think its some kind of greeting. I always hear people

20,000shs later on. How would he refuse?? use it!

So I do just that! 'Eyange nyabo?'<my day?>

I tell him about the pay and he agrees to refund my money as soon as possible. This 'Ye! Eyiyo ssebo!'<yes sir, your day>

is before he realizes he is almost late for a meeting, eats his food hurriedly like some 'Hmmm. Bulungi.'<hmmm. fine> He says with a frown, then adds 'Nyaabo Ogenda!

hungry girl I remember in my school called Rita who never had grub and always < Madam are you sure you are going?>'

waited for school meals, and rushes off to the car, leaving me dumbfounded. At this point i have to do it. I'm almost in tears. I move closer so no one can over-

Of course he will be back. Its just two o'clock. The meeting will surely be done by 5. hear our conversation.

5 o'clock reaches. No car, No boss. 'Bambi ssebo nyamba<Please sir help me>. Nsaba ontwaale wali eli kumpi ku

5.15! Still nothing. I’ll give it 30 more minutes. kobula!<am begging you to ferry me to the taxi stage> Engatto yange eyulise!< my

5.45. Silence. shoes are broken!!>' I managed.

At 6, I search my handbag for some coins, and decide to slope to the stage, get a taxi 'Ompa meeka<how much do you have?>??'

for 300, and walk the rest of the journey home. Its not that far anyway. Ill claim the 'Ssebo nkwegayiridde<I pray you!!>! Nina bisaatu byoka by'engenda okozesa kola

20,000shs tomorrow. 'ngattoNgenda na taambula paka' eka! Nsasira baambi!'! <I have only 300shs

So I start my journey. First of all, I must emphasize that the day before I had put on which I have to use to repair my shoe and then I will walk home. Just take me to

my new plada shoes (anti Chinese duplicates), and they had left blisters on my feet, the cobbler>!

thus the reason for the flat shoes. So I’m thinking, this strolling thing is not so bad. I After what felt like a lifetime, he agreed to take me to the cobbler. As thankful as I

could actually get used to it instead of the occasional boda< bodas are commercial was, I had nothing to give him. All I could do was stand and wave as he left.

motorcycles that ferry people around town at breakneck speeds without any regard to I turn to the cobbler and give him the shoe.

traffic rules> home. I even start humming to that new song of miki wine's that I sent Without even blinking, he says, in his proudly broken English, 'Zat willo be seveni

Mike at work. Life doesn't feel so bad.................YET! So I finally reach the bottom of andred!'

the slope, and, yes, I’m still modeling as usual on the road feeling the diva, when I lift Never in my life had i imagined id gasp at such a price. But thanx to my humble

my leg and step on the ground. I know you wont believe me, because I couldn't be- face, I was able to have him settle for 300shs. The walk home was exhaustingly

lieve it myself! I had actually walked out of my sole. As in I had walked and left the painful!!!

sole of my shoe behind. I swear I never knew this was even possible. I thought shoes But not as painful as tomorrow will be if the boss denies me that 20 bob!

only get fishes, and things like that. To think i had to find out this was possible in front

of a main road with traffic jam, and no boda man in sight. I start to panic. (OMG I think Name Withheld but if you send me an email, I will send you the writer's

I just saw my classmate. The one I had a crush on for two years.) What social sui- blog—ED

cide!!!!!!
 Work-zine

YOU MIGHT NOT GET FIRED BUT... one by one. But soon after, everything gets dull and boring. On the other
hand, your colleague is nodding to his music and his face is glued to his
The sleep was alright but you have to get out of it. You pause your phone's monitor with a smirk on his face. As you brood over stepping out for a little
soft rock playing gently and you kneel to say a prayer. Five minutes later, fresh air, you remember you didn't resolve some very big issue you had with
you tune to BBC on your phone as you rush to the closet. You go through a your fiancé. You rush downstairs and signal the airtime man for 2K. He
few shirts and single out one you think you didn't wear last Wednesday, just scratches it for you as you reach for the phone in your pocket. Somehow,
in case your friends in the fellowship cell notice and taunt you about having you don’t feel it in your pockets. You rush back up hoping to find it on your
particular shirt for Wednesday. Time is badly against you as you iron your desk but still you don't find. Then you remember! It's on your bed! In your
clothes. By this time, you know a complete shower is a waste of time. So, bedroom! You forgot the thing at home. You start using all kind of inaudible
when you hit the bathroom, you overlook using the sponge but pour water all sulking language. You rush back down and use the booth to call your fiancé
over your body. You don't like the clammy feeling so you use some soap to but her phone is off.
give you that fresh smell. You soon dress up smartly, rush breakfast, run out Ironically, this it the time that serious work sets in. Unexpectedly, the boss
of the house and start shouting taxi taxi. drops a huge file on your desk and signals to you that you know what to do
An hour later, you're at your office doorway feeling a little sweaty. The boss with it. With all the confusion in your head, you start cursing again, wonder-
can't get his quizzical gaze off of you. You blame the jam and after a few ing why he had to wait till this specific time. By lunch, you’re still working the
minutes of unease, you start feeling fine because you're now used to this file while your mates start leaving one by one for their lunch break. You stay
routine. They are never going to fire you for reporting late anyway. If they do, put, working the file until everybody reports back. You don’t even recognize
the whole world will know how unfair the boss was; or perhaps he has a that you didn’t adjust the music playlist while your competitor had gone for
thing against you. You turn your PC on and messenger opens automatically. lunch.
The fruit girl walks in and you snap your fingers. She steps over and you Late in the evening, you are very exhausted and anxiously salivating for a
draw out a coin as she drops a tin full of jack fruit and mango chips on your grip on your phone as you board back home. You find twelve missed calls
desk. There is not much work to do actually. The boss is buried in his Red and seven of them are from your fiancé. You have six messages and two are
Pepper and murmuring all political comments you care less about. You can’t from your fiancé. The first message reads, “stp ignorin me plz.” The second
make a music playlist because you came late. So, your workmate has all this reads, “Liar, we thru! fool!”
local music playing for all of you to swallow. You reserve your comments The moral; It isn’t just your job at risk when you ‘re late for work.
because you don't want him to comment when you play yours... after lunch.
You're tired of the habitual people on your yahoo messenger so, you check By Mugisha Ivan <the writer is evidently now single so to quote Beyonce : all
out your new friends’ email addresses on Facebook and start inviting them you single ladies>

Ring! Ring! goes your TELEPHONE

TELEPHONE You know that its me, but u act un- U now wish for my Ring! Ring! on your TELEPHONE,
beknown. As u have now realized u cant go it alone.
SENSUALITY Beep! Beep! goes your TELE-
PHONE
U now wish for my Beep! Beep! on your TELEPHONE
Coz its contents had the melody of a xylophone.
You read my text, it makes u blush,
but your still aloof as the ozone. Wish u had picked your TELEPHONE,
Before my heart had became as cold as a headstone...
Many times i Ring! Ring! your TELEPHONE
But its like getting blood from a stone. And now you are left to moan, with your pathetic TELEPHONE,
Many times i Beep! Beep! your TELEPHONE Because am already gone
But u just thought me as a spare cologne.
BY Philip Njagala <the Writer is a blogger http://philo-so-
Ring! Ring! goes my TELEPHONE far.blogspot.com>
I know that its u, but I hold my own.
Beep! Beep! goes my TELEPHONE,
I read your text, it makes me gloat, coz i know am more
wanted than the rolling stone.

IDLER’s CORNER
I have been informed by our dear editor that I have to find
something to write about this time, and not just write
nothing. Can you imagine the effrontery? Do you have
any idea how hard it is to write a full page of nothing? Do
you have any idea how talented I have to be to do that and
yet still hold you enthralled for the whole page? “It gets
old,” he says. It gets old!! IT GETS OLD??!! He doesn’t
even have the balls to say that to my face. Gets old my
foot. So when I told him very sweetly that a corner of the
idlers corner is mine and I do want I want with it, he has
the nerve to say he’s scrapping the page!! Now that just
makes me mad!!
I mean, in the entire e-zine thingy that is the first page I
go to!! (ok, that might have something to do with having
to make sure he hasn’t messed around with my brilliance
too much, he tries to do that sometimes you know. It could
also have something to do with actually having my name
in print on it also, but seriously, it is a pretty good page
you have to admit!!) And after trying unsuccessfully to
wipe the smirk off my face that he has again failed to
change it in any way, I go on and read akelly’s article,
which usually just makes that smirk even wider, yep, the
two best writers (in my own very, very humble opinion
that cannot be argued with) are actually published on
that particular page.
And now he has the nerve to say he wants to scrap it!!
Well, if I find my article (which had better be published
btw) shoved into some forgotten corner of this mag-zine
thingy, I am going on strike!! And not the sit-down
kind either, the kind that puts tears in your eyes and has
your nose running a marathon like that Pheidip-
pides, chap. And no, not because of some overwhelming
emotion either but because the tear gas is thicker than
comfortable. (I hear the 2K7 and 2K6 graduates from
MAKUNIKA built up some sort of immunity against it,
but that won’t help you this time, uh uh, if I go out, it’s
going to be with a bang!!)
Now where was I? oh yeah, I’m supposed to be writing an
article! Well that’s done, and neatly so. J.
Abid, Grr!!
By Brain B. Coutinho who has a blog that he rarely up-
dates but is writing his own novels. Yes I said Novels!!!!
Are you a blogger ? Would you like your articles to be published ? If yes, do send
them with your blog URL to the email addresses provided on the last page.
SPARTAKUSS
WORK--Zine
I tend to get insulted when Abid takes his time to wait for 99%
then call me, tell me to quickly put in my UTL line so it can be a
free call, and finally ask me to submit an article for the idler's cor-
ner. To quote his exact words, ' write about nothing. Kind of like
nonsense.'
It gets me thinking; does he really think I think of nonsense? Be-
cause it is a known fact that what comes out of someone is always
formed from within, and I may not be one of those doctors who
have the ability to cut people open and see what exactly is within,
but looking down a loo, I can tell its pretty good!
Anyway, so, to help him out, seeing as i am a kind person willing
to spread love wherever i go with my kindness knowing if i ever
call on those who have received it, they should respond without
blinking, i decided to write an article on what i am thinking about
right now.
For those of you who are blessed enough to know me, you know
i love money. I love making it, i love getting it, i love spending it,
I’m hoping a day wont come when ill love begging for it but
yeah; i love money. I think it makes the world go round. Money
is the reason i submit articles, in the hope that when Abid finally
realises i do a better job at editing than he does, ill get paid for it.
Money is the reason i wake up every morning to go to work.
Since im in charge of petty cash and i can withdraw money on
behalf of the company, it makes my day to just be there and look
at notes.
Money is the reason i am alive. If my dad did not have the money
he had, im sure i would not be alive because my mother (seeing as
i can tell she is sharp (and that is a compliment)) would not have
married him, let alone lay with him.
Money!!!!!!!!!!!!! If only I had a lot.
This love for money drove me to understand that talent beats
education at making money any day. Tiger Woods, those foot-
ballers, the actresses and musicians can all testify to that.
Which Engineer did you ever hear had a wedding where he
shipped his guests to Italy and booked them into luxurious suites
like some celebrity i heard of?? Which doctor??? Unless he is a
doctor in a movie!
You see! Talent beats education anytime.
Now after i had finished that thought, i decided to look deep into
myself and try to figure out what exactly my talent is.
I must say after realising that holding money, smelling money,
picking out people with money from a crowd and generally being
around money will take me no where, i am inclined to try my
other talents like laughing at people who fall down, laughing at
deformed- faced people, throwing tantrums, getting pissed over
nothing (generally being moody), and talking to Abid.
Wish me luck
By Sara Akelly. You can read more about her thoughtfilled
thoughtless thoughts on her blog http://serakelz.wordpress.com/
 12-august –2009

I don’t want to fail

I met Peter many years back. What else could we kidding me –no pun intended. And that is even not commonplace.

do but reminisce about the Sunday school days and to mention substituting a pen for a cheap fishing Enough of mistakes – we’ve probably all said ‘sorry’

consider our relevance in the Church now that a few hook (and boy does a reed make for one fine fishing way too often and need not be reminded. I just

black hairs were appearing on our chins? rod). You cannot blame me; Fort Portal is a very thought of Peter and his prayer one more time.

Something Peter said to me that I keep meeting like generous place J. Perhaps I should be ashamed I have grown to love

the numerous crossroads – as this century ever so I still miss being chased by the holy men of Virika my pit falls and mistakes as they have left ‘beautiful’

provides. “Ronald,” he said, “This one thing I pray, Parish (in cassocks) for enjoying a good afternoon scars and much more. Do not get me wrong, I am

that I may never have to first land in the gutter be- nap at the holy cemetery, but is that not the most not praying to fall a little more, far from it; I am only

fore realising my folly. I want to see mistakes and silent place for a well deserved fishing break? I am reluctant to pray my falls away.

dangers looming and steer away from all those a saint when compared to Wamala who almost Peter, I really hope you get to live the ‘fall-free’ life

would –be mistakes.” I nodded saying “surely that is fathered Kaija and Nyakake in a cemetery in spite of you so wish, but many years on? Here is to say I am

one good way to live” his ‘Burdens’. sorry I will not be joining you soon.

Looking back, I realise that bees do not love nectar I happen to work in an industry in which a day with-

as I do trouble, and mistakes have been and con- out saying “I am sorry” (of course covered up with Rwakigumba Ronald <The Writer has done it in a

tinue to be common place. I mean how else do you words like “oversight”) is as rare as remembering cemetery. He is brave. I wouldn't dare sleep in

explain escaping from Fort Portal to Kasese, to half your girlfriend’s shopping list (or is it just me?) there. Only dreams of headless ghosts and death

apparently start over? At 10 years? You must be Perhaps to rhyme – mistakes at the workplace are asking for a jacket.>

TO BUY Or Not TO BUY: that’s the question

Everyone seems to be busy on anything but work... that’s it! Football, women and facebook. A bright spark and a well not so blinding light
break the monotony. Every one especially David is pissed cause the third cable they bought has blown all because Alice wanted to make
some extra money and so she didn’t care about the quality.

With everything fake, especially from China, at everyone’s disposal, some people fall victim accidentally while others intentionally acquire
these fakes. This great country, China, that gave its name to the much revered porcelain has not survived the shrewdness of its population.

On the streets of Kampala, every attempt to pump money into our local investors is an assurance of our locally made leather sandals, splash,
soap and whatever comes our way, and though they are remarkably satisfactory, the expiry dates leave so many questions hanging calling for
caution when buying consumables. It has become a trend for former employees of top designers to have made good imitations of their fash-
ion for sale!

Naturally this would question the survival of Ugandan produce on its own market. In the past, families often got ideal, high quality cooking
pans and other metallic items from the highly skilled labor force of Katwe, but even these are now becoming less viable, scourged at the
hands of those who seek to make quick money by the day.

It’s my reluctant opinion that to get something reliable one has to go to a supermarket or a shop that imports what he or she needs. The glitch
here is that these are often expensive. Of course these are more expensive but the final test falls to quality and durability. Needless to say, as
Alice found out the hard way, not everything marked England is genuine so when you settle for something with that mark on it, close scru-
tiny of the imprint should tell you whether it is genuine or not.

Rossettee Tugume, The writer is a Lawyer

Volume: #1 Issue #3
Work-Zine

HUMOUR CENTRAL : I WISH

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he
arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” the man replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“Can’t,” breathes the bartender. “He’s not here. Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across the
bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck
them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.

“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

Okay, so it is another day at work and I’ve just realised that I’ve of the best ribs south of the Sahara! Damn! Had to attend a Google
hopped through basically the majority of restaurants and kafun-
das in town. From Arua Park to Kosovo on Bombo Road, St.
Mbu Lunch experience session and now I’ve lost track of this lugambo ... duh!
Wanted to say something about this spot behind the Orange Tele-
Anthony’s (RIP), to Shoprite Lugogo, and no, I have not hopped on one leg. Just com and MTN on Jinja Road. Its something about goat meat but I can’t remember
walked there and ordered away to calm that pang called hunger. It’s healthy to have w h a t .
proper meals I am told because after a few days it tells on you and by then you’re too Anyway, for the adventurous, the Lunchtime meals served within the supermarkets
sluggish to do your work, losing concentration and your workmates are wondering why are taking toll! Shoprite, either Lugogo or the old park) is a blast. Anything you would
your so dull. So I’ve broken from usual bread and water from Shell Select to occasion- want provided you are at the counter at least before 1.40pm cause by then some
ally indulge in a cooked meal, whatever it is. foods are finished. A decent meal will go for 6,000 and a quite heavy one for 10,000.
So any way those men who work in town will probably know Akeyos, a Kafunda hid- Needless to say my workmates and I have left the bliss of Kampala Road just to buy
den next to the washing bay opposite DANIDA. A favourite of vegetable and local this food and head back to the office to devour it! Same as Uchumi Garden City. The
foods with Kalo, Matooke and anything smoked that’s if its fish or meat. Apparently all only problem here is that you would not know how much you are to pay cause they
my lady colleagues at work have jam to go with me on a date there but that is nothing have these weighing things, so the food is packed, weighed and then the price is told
p e r s o n a l . to you at the counter and no, you cannot return the food! You have to pay for it there
Before I forget this, there is this day I had a pang for goat meat, so I get out and move and then cause the line is long and pressing against your back and you can’t unpack
around town. Yes, I was looking for goat meat. Caddy’s, Alexandra’s, E-taste, Tham- the food, so if your going for it make sure you are well covered.
muz, Tammy’s, Hot Chips and even the Chef did not have it! The only place that had it The Chef! Mhm! The place to be. This is where every minute is worth your money.
everyday, My Food, had been closed and the only place I was certainly sure to find This is a Friday treat cause after such a meal your day is useless ... but well enjoyed.
goat meat was Wandegeya, in some eating place not restaurant (where my friend For 6,000 you get to choose what you want to eat at this sumptuous buffet. Beans,
Sam orders for beans and rice, mbu he doesn’t eat meat) two restaurants away from I pumpkins, rice, posho, French beans, beef, chicken, boiled plantains .... It doesn’t
feel like a chicken tonight, but who cares anyway, I’m not a chicken! Parted with matter if you want to serve only chicken or meat! Damn! Serve your fill and settle at a
4,500/- for ribbed goat meat. Definitely worth i t . table to eat your heart out or your tummy full. Top up with salads, spiced greens or
But talk of Hot Chips and I’ve never found a restaurant with chips as warm as Hot e s h a b w e a n d e n j o y y o u r t r e a t .
Chips. Located where Fido Dido once thrived, these guys cut their beef into tiny With two and a half hours to lunch I’m contemplating my next mission. Not goat meat
blocks of meat and drown them in a dish of vegetables, spices and water called beef this time. Not Kasalina’s. It has a buffet for 5 grand but they serve you the meat.
for 3,800 and chicken 4,800. Peas and that stuff! No. Not hot chips. Alexandra’s is the Maybe I’ll go back to Shell Select and get my Bread and water again. Bye the way, all
place for that. Located on the same floor as Bank of Africa on Kampala Road but on prices above are in shillings not dollars so don’t quake. Come to think of it. Can some-
the backside of the building, rests this amazing vegetable home. Order for Peas and one call all these guys and say I just advertised them?
v o i l a ! W h a t a t a s t e !
Now, you may not wonder why I’m a fan of goat meat but lol! Its meat and it has some David Oluka Okia

If You’re Out There
If you hear this message, wherever you stand
I'm calling every woman, calling every man
We're the generation
We can't afford to wait
The future started yesterday and we're already late
.............John Legend
I have a belief in my ability to put words together, I have decided that I was born to
do nothing better. I have found my reason for being and I believe in myself. I have
not been formally schooled in these things but I learned to read, write and other
things. Somehow I have come to the realisation that I was meant to tell stories. I
have been talking to a lot of people lately and I have come to realise that many peo-
ple cannot truthfully answer the question “What is my purpose?” There seems to be a
lack of self belief. Dincy pointed something out for me the other day that somehow
belief in things other than God seems to be a unique thing. Why is this so? Why do
we doubt ourselves and each other so much? When is it that we settle for less than
we are? Why is it that many of us are unhappy with our lot in life but cannot do any-
thing to change it? Why is it that you wake up every day, go to work and at the end of
the day feel like you’re slaving your life away? Remember those dreams you had
when you were younger? Where have they gone? Are you living them now or have
they disappeared into the ether like figments of your imagination? When did you lose
that belief? How do you find it again?
I guess each one of us must take his or her own road to self discovery. Mine has led
me halfway round the world and pushes me to go farther and I know it might get
harder along the way but I walk with the simple belief that what I do is right. Many of
us have come to believe that the more material wealth we acquire, the more our
actions are justified. We have embraced the concept of individuality to such an extent
that we do not care who we hurt as we climb these ladders in life. We have become
indifferent to the world around us and would rather know less about the people
around us. Perhaps we try to shield ourselves from hurt and disappointment but in-
stead we become that hurt. We have lost our way, we have lost our dreams.
We must believe again. We must believe in ourselves and each other. We must be
united; it is the only way we can move forward together, for what is the greater good
but to move the human race forward? Where else do we start but with ourselves? I
believe that there are those among us that can lead, teach, inspire and change lives.
Find yourself, your purpose and your dreams. Stand up and say here I am. Stand up
and be counted because tomorrow starts now!
Raymond Kukundakwe <http://thenextquarter.blogspot.com/ >The writer has
interesting thoughts and even more interesting experiences including stints as a
“Kojja” at bridal showers. Check out his blog for more.
Volume: #1 Issue #3
Office Entertainment
For most of us that were schooled in the Kampala varsi-
ties got the opportunity to watch the latest episode of 24
or Prison Break a week or earlier after its release. We
were able to “catch” with the latest movies from Holly-
wood (no one was interested in the other Woods) before
Cineplex could put a price to it. And all it cost us was a
great knowledge of a network of friends and the nearest
computer or DVD in the hostel or university hall.
After we were graduated we still kept in touch and
when we went on to work (‘slave’ for some of us for the
so-called multi-national organisations which turn out to
really be capitalist extensions where our colleagues in
more developed nations gain experience, but that’s a
story for another day) we were able to maintain this feed
of free (read pirated) movies and series.
This has led us to have a good rapport with our work
colleagues (fellow slaves) where we have become the
known distributors of great new movies that they may
have otherwise have watched at Cineplex after doing
away with their daily consumption of fruits and thus
reducing the sales and economic well-being of this lady
in the informal sector. By saving our colleagues (and the
fruit sellers) we the distributors of these series and mov-
ies have become a resource that cannot be done away
with in our various offices.
This has enabled some of us to use this distribution to
take a lax and laid back approach to our actual work and
when taxed by our superiors of doing a better job we
(guys in this case donno about the ladies?!) make it up
with giving the supervisor a privilege of watching the
latest blockbuster before his/her managerial colleagues.
And I can attest to this that it has also enabled me not
only to keep my work but to also go a step ahead in the
employment ladder (read gain more of my employment
rights).
As such I reckon that most by now are seeing how the
most unserious dude/chic maintains his/her position
and even does a number on you when management is
awarding best employees at the annual Christmas din-
ner in Munyonyo. Well the answer is now with you –
networking with benefits, these being the movies.
Rafayilli <What can be said about this writer? The only
thing we have in common is that we share a birthday. >
 Work-zine

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 http://funehumor.com/fun_doc2/
opposite YMCA. Before you even ask, meaning you can do your surfing fun_0251.shtml
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Optical nutrition
 HOUSE of PaYNE by the Keba Work-zine Vol1 Issue3 12/08/09

Dictionary meaning Pain: An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of doubts in God’s ability to get me out of any situation. Just like that, I found myself in a

severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder. situation where I had to TRY AGAIN or risk going to hell! By this time my vest was wet

Yes, that is exactly what it was. I closed my eyes in total fright the moment I realized from the thick sweat that oozed from my skin pores. I tried opening my eyes but all I

what lay ahead of me. The obvious reaction would have been to retreat but no! This could see was a blurred image of what looked like a bottomless pit. I swung my hands

was not the kind of situation where one had the luxury to retreat as that would not only all over, looking for anything I could hold onto. If I had to overcome this, I needed

delay the inevitable but also make it all worse! I looked left, then right. Up, then down! help!

Front… I couldn’t look back! I couldn’t look at anything near the source of the pain. I I managed to get support from two solid objects on the east and west of this hell

was all alone! This was my day! What could I do? TRY AGAIN! That was all there was whore I was in. With strength born out of desperation, I TRRRIIIIED again, this time

to do. So I tried again, this time taking in a few quick gasps of air before holding my letting out a little deep “Aarggh!” Whatever it was that I was PAYing for, I had certainly

breath and giving it all I could. Amid all the quiet was me screaming for help, only, it done it a gazillion times over; even the devil was getting worried! By now, I could not

was my soul screaming since I couldn’t part my lips from my teeth. Stop! Stop is what remember where I was. There was a brief moment where the world stopped rotating,

I did coz one more second of that pain would have turned me into a Silhouette in this the light took a tea break and the air for the very first time got leave from earth!

life that seemed to have curtains of steel coming down on it! ***SHHHHHHH*** Then suddenly, a Tsunami of relief rushed through my system as

“Father in the name of Jesus….” Came the words out of my mouth as I started my the piece of shit (make that GU-PIECE) left my A-H and headed for the toilet bowl! I

prayer, my last prayer! There was no escape from this one! I started evaluating my can never forget that feeling. ...then it all came back to me. I was in a freakin’ toilet!

chances of making it to heaven. To make it, I needed to rid myself of any spot whatso- F*** constipation!!

ever, which included the fact that I had given up. Yes, giving up meant that I had

Now that I'm through with the workzine (Beef, Abid), I can casu-
ally reflect on things that can casually be reflected on. The first POLICE MEN ARRESTED … Nobody’s safe!!!
of these things is that the president actually arrested two police
officers. That they had broken the law is beside the point, but, the whole president? Isn't this a bit, a tiny bit, below him? What, next he will attend our Local Council
meeting? Or will he try to arrest boda bodas who have no helmets?
Really, I can imagine a ceremony for passing out police officers where the Master of ceremony says..."If you misbehave enough, the president will arrest you." Sign
me up for misdemeanor!
While musing on this issue, browsing through the newspaper I came across a picture of some 'important' guy showing local residents how to use a pit latrine.
Shocking, yes, but what was more shocking is that HE WAS IN A SUIT. He could have at least taken his pants off...
Then there is this kid at home who is noisy at hell, except when she's stalking you. You'll be doing your stuff, you know...going crazy and stuff, thinking you are all
alone, while singing into a hair brush or something. Then you turn around and...freeze... The gu Kid is standing there and watching! "How long have you been stand-
ing there?" You wonder, but the kid cant speak. You look embarrassed now, so don't even bother to continue....
Potholes...I will keep singing this song until the liberation of Uganda's roads. Since the last ''Pothole update", the potholes have been working on the command of
God to the first man: "Be fruitful and multiply." Them potholes have been getting busy, making little pan holes, expanding them into pots, then making more
pans...and on and on. Meanwhile, as the kings of the family tree, they are no longer just potholes, they are now GRAND POTHOLES. Watching with pride as them
holes wreak havoc on our cars.
Have you ever seen guys driving on the side of the road? It's because the rolling curve on that part of the road is much better than a sudden drop in the middle of
the tarmac road.
Have you ever seen Ugandan drivers swerving, driving from left to right on the road? It's because they are SOBER. They are dodging potholes. Anyone who drives
straight for more than 1 km in Kampala needs to have his breath analysed....
Have you ever been in a taxi whose driver thought it only fit to hit every hump in the road? I have, and it's not pretty. But I think it's coz they are tired of dodging
potholes the whole day...
Have you ever been on a boda boda (that's a motorbike, for those who are gaping) whose rider thinks it's fun to just bump every hole in the road? Get off and slap
him.
BY OTAaLA SamUEL

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