Baker, Nicholson - The Fermata (1994)

U.S.A. $21.
00
FPT
Canada$27.50
Arno Strine likes to stop time

and take women's clothes
off.
He is hard at work on his
autobiography, The Fermata.
It proves in the telling to
be a very provocative, funny,
and altogether morally confused piece of work.
A B O U T
T H E
NICHOLSON
A U T H O R
BAKER
was
born in 1957. He attended the

Eastman School of Music and
Haverford College. His previous books are The Mezzanine
( 1 9 8 8 ) , Room
Temperature
(1990), U and I (1991), and

Vox (1992). He has written for
The New Yorker
and The
Atlantic Monthly. He is married with two children.
RANDOM
HOUSE,
INC
, NEW YORK,
I'KINTE!) IN U S
1994
RANDOM
A.
NY.
2/94
HOUSE,
INC.
10022
/?\
ISBN
0-679-41586-6
52100
9"780679"J15862
ALSO
BY
NICHOLSON
The Mezzanine
Room Temperature
U and I
Vox
BAKER
THE FERMATA
THE
FERMATA
Nicholson Baker
R a n d o m
New
H o u s e
Y o r k
Copyright 1994 by Nicholson Baker

All rights reserved under International Pan-American
Copyright Conventions. Published in the
United States by Random House, Inc., New York,
and simultaneously in Canada by
Random House o f Canada Limited, Toronto.
The fictional product names in this book are the
property o f the author and may not be used as names
for real products or services without his prior written
permission.
Library o f Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Baker, Nicholson
The Fermata / Nicholson Baker
p. cm.
ISBN 0-679-41586-6
I. Title.
PS3552.A4325F47 1994
813'.54dc20
93-26492
Manufactured in the United States o f America
24689753
First Edition
FOR
MY
FATHER
THE FERMATA
AM GOING T O CALL MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY
THE
FERMATA,
EVEN
t h o u g h " f e r m a t a " is only o n e of t h e m a n y n a m e s I have for

the Fold. " F o l d " is, obviously, a n o t h e r . Every so often, usually
in t h e fall ( p e r h a p s m u n d a n e l y b e c a u s e my h o r m o n e - f l o w s
are at t h e i r h i g h e s t t h e n ) , I discover t h a t I have t h e p o w e r to
d r o p i n t o t h e Fold. A F o l d - d r o p is a p e r i o d of t i m e of variable
l e n g t h d u r i n g which I a m alive a n d a m b u l a t o r y a n d t h i n k i n g
a n d looking, while t h e rest of t h e world is s t o p p e d , o r p a u s e d .
Over t h e years, I have h a d to c o m e u p with various t e c h n i q u e s
to trigger t h e p a u s e , s o m e of which have m a d e u s e of rockerswitches, r u b b e r b a n d s , sewing n e e d l e s ,
fingernail
clippers,
a n d o t h e r h a r d w a r e , s o m e of w h i c h have n o t . T h e p o w e r
3
NICHOLSON
BAKER
s e e m s ultimately to c o m e from within m e , g r a n d i o s e as that

s o u n d s , b u t as I invoke it I have to believe t h a t it is external
for it to w o r k p r o p e r l y . I d o n ' t i n q u i r e i n t o origins very often,
f e a r i n g t h a t t o o close a scrutiny will d a m a g e whatever interior
states have given rise to it, since it is t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t
o n g o i n g a d v e n t u r e of m y life.
I ' m in t h e F o l d right now, as a m a t t e r of fact. I w a n t first to
type o u t my n a m e i t ' s A r n o l d Strine. I prefer A m o to t h e full
A r n o l d . P u t t i n g m y o w n n a m e d o w n is l o i n - g i r d i n g some
h o w i t h e l p s m e g o a h e a d with this. I ' m thirty-five. I ' m
seated in a n office c h a i r w h o s e four wide black casters roll
silently over t h e c a r p e t i n g , o n t h e sixth floor of t h e MassBank
b u i l d i n g in d o w n t o w n B o s t o n . I ' m l o o k i n g u p at a w o m a n
n a m e d J o y c e , w h o s e c l o t h e s I have r e a r r a n g e d somewhat, al
t h o u g h I have n o t actually r e m o v e d any of t h e m . I ' m l o o k i n g
directly at h e r , b u t she d o e s n ' t know this. While I look I ' m
u s i n g a Casio C W - 1 6 p o r t a b l e electronic typewriter, which is
p o w e r e d by f o u r D batteries, to r e c o r d w h a t I see a n d think.
Before I s n a p p e d m y fingers to s t o p t h e flow of t i m e in t h e
universe, J o y c e was walking across t h e c a r p e t i n g in a gray-blue
knit dress, a n d I was sitting b e h i n d a desk twenty o r thirty feet
away, t r a n s c r i b i n g a t a p e . I c o u l d see h e r h i p b o n e s u n d e r h e r
dress, a n d I i m m e d i a t e l y knew it was t h e t i m e to S n a p in. H e r
p o c k e t b o o k is still over h e r s h o u l d e r . H e r p u b i c h a i r is very
black a n d nice to look a t t h e r e is lots a n d lots of it. If I d i d n ' t
already k n o w h e r n a m e , I w o u l d p r o b a b l y n o w o p e n h e r p u r s e
a n d find o u t h e r n a m e , b e c a u s e it h e l p s to know t h e n a m e of
a w o m a n I u n d r e s s . T h e r e is m o r e o v e r s o m e t h i n g very excit
ing, a l m o s t m o v i n g , a b o u t t a k i n g a p e e k at a w o m a n ' s driver's
license w i t h o u t h e r k n o w i n g s t u d y i n g t h e p i c t u r e a n d won
d e r i n g w h e t h e r it was o n e t h a t pleased h e r o r m a d e h e r u n
h a p p y w h e n she was first given it at t h e DMV.
4
THE
FERMATA
B u t I d o know this w o m a n ' s n a m e . I've typed s o m e of h e r

tapes. T h e l a n g u a g e of h e r dictations is l o o s e r t h a n s o m e of
the o t h e r l o a n officers'she will occasionally u s e a p h r a s e like
" s p r u c e u p " o r " p o l i s h off" o r "kick i n " t h a t y o u very s e l d o m
c o m e across in t h e credit u p d a t e s of l a r g e r e g i o n a l b a n k s .
O n e of h e r m o r e r e c e n t dictations e n d e d with s o m e t h i n g like
"Kyle Roller i n d i c a t e d t h a t h e h a d b e e n d e a l i n g with t h e
subject since 1989. V o l u m e since t h a t t i m e h a s b e e n $ 8 0 , 0 0 0 .
H e emphatically stated t h a t t h e i r service was s u b s t a n d a r d . H e
indicated t h a t h e h a s p u t f u r t h e r business with t h e m o n h o l d
because they h a d 'lied like hell' t o h i m . H e i n d i c a t e d h e d i d
n o t want his n a m e m e n t i o n e d b a c k t o t h e P a u l e y b r o t h e r s .
This i n f o r m a t i o n was r e t u r n e d t o J o y c e Collier o n " a n d
t h e n she said t h e d a t e . As p r o s e it is n o t P e n e l o p e Fitzgerald,
p e r h a p s , b u t y o u crave any t r e m o r of life in t h e s e r e p o r t s , a n d
I will a d m i t t h a t I felt a n arrow go t h r o u g h m e w h e n I h e a r d
h e r say "lied like h e l l . "
Last week, J o y c e was w e a r i n g this very s a m e gray-blue
h i p b o n e - f l a u n t i n g dress o n e day. S h e d r o p p e d off a t a p e for
m e to d o a n d told m e t h a t she liked m y glasses, a n d I've b e e n
n u t s a b o u t h e r since. I b l u s h e d a n d t h a n k e d h e r a n d told h e r
I liked h e r scarf, which really was a very likable scarf. It h a d all
sorts of golds a n d blacks a n d yellows in it, a n d Cyrillic letters
seemed to b e p a r t of t h e design. S h e said, "Well t h a n k you, I
like it, t o o , " a n d s h e surprised m e (surprised u s b o t h possibly)
by u n t y i n g it from h e r n e c k a n d p u l l i n g it slowly t h r o u g h h e r
fingers. I asked w h e t h e r t h o s e were i n d e e d Cyrillic letters I saw
before m e , a n d she said t h a t they were, p l e a s e d at m y a t t e n tiveness, b u t she said t h a t she h a d asked a friend of h e r s w h o
knew Russian w h a t they spelled, a n d h e h a d told h e r t h a t they
m e a n t n o t h i n g , they were j u s t a j u m b l e of letters. "Even bet
ter," I said, s o m e w h a t idiotically, a n x i o u s t o show h o w c o m 5
NICHOLSON
BAKER
pletely u n i n t e r e s t e d I was in h e r m e n t i o n of a m a l e friend.

" T h e d e s i g n e r picked t h e letters for t h e i r formal b e a u t y h e
d i d n ' t try to p r e t e n d h e knew t h e l a n g u a g e by u s i n g a real
w o r d . " T h e m o m e n t t h r e a t e n e d to b e c o m e m o r e flirtatious
t h a n e i t h e r of u s w a n t e d . I h u r r i e d us past it by asking h e r how
s o o n she n e e d e d h e r t a p e d o n e . ( I ' m a t e m p , by t h e way.) " N o
b i g r u s h , " she said. S h e r e tied h e r scarf, a n d we smiled quite
warmly at e a c h o t h e r a g a i n before she went off. I was h a p p y
all t h a t day j u s t b e c a u s e she h a d told m e she liked m y glasses.
J o y c e is p r o b a b l y n o t g o i n g to play a large p a r t in this
a c c o u n t of m y life. I have fallen in love with w o m e n many,
m a n y times, m a y b e a h u n d r e d o r a h u n d r e d a n d fifty times;
I've t a k e n off w o m e n ' s clothes m a n y times, too: t h e r e is n o t h
i n g particularly u n u s u a l a b o u t this occasion within which I
a m c u r r e n t l y p a r k e d . T h e only u n u s u a l t h i n g a b o u t it is t h a t
this t i m e I ' m writing a b o u t it. I know t h e r e are t h o u s a n d s of
w o m e n i n t h e w o r l d I c o u l d potentially feel love for as I d o feel
it n o w for J o y c e s h e j u s t h a p p e n s to work at this office in t h e
d o m e s t i c - c r e d i t d e p a r t m e n t of MassBank w h e r e I h a p p e n to
b e a t e m p for a few weeks. B u t t h a t is t h e s t r a n g e t h i n g a b o u t
w h a t you a r e e x p e c t e d to d o in lifeyou are s u p p o s e d to
forget t h a t t h e r e a r e h u n d r e d s of cities, e a c h o n e of t h e m full
of w o m e n , a n d t h a t it is m o s t unlikely t h a t you have f o u n d t h e
perfect o n e for you. You a r e j u s t s u p p o s e d to pick t h e best o n e
o u t of t h e o n e s you k n o w a n d c a n attract, a n d in fact you d o
this h a p p i l y y o u feel t h a t t h e love you direct toward t h e o n e
y o u d o c h o o s e is n o t arbitrarily bestowed.
A n d it was brave a n d friendly of J o y c e to c o m p l i m e n t m e
t h a t way a b o u t m y glasses. I always m e l t instantly w h e n I ' m
p r a i s e d for features a b o u t which I have private d o u b t s . I first
got glasses in t h e s u m m e r after f o u r t h g r a d e . (Incidentally,
f o u r t h g r a d e is also t h e year I first d r o p p e d i n t o t h e Foldmy
6
THE
FERMATA
t e m p o r a l powers have always b e e n linked in a way I d o n ' t

p r e t e n d to u n d e r s t a n d with my sense of sight.) I w o r e t h e m
steadily u n t i l a b o u t two years a g o , w h e n I d e c i d e d t h a t I
should at least try c o n t a c t lenses. Maybe everything w o u l d b e
different if I got contacts. So I d i d get t h e m , a n d I enjoyed t h e
rituals of c a r i n g for t h e m c a r i n g for this p a i r of d e m a n d i n g
twins t h a t h a d to b e b a t h e d a n d c h a n g e d constantly. I liked
squirting t h e salt water o n t h e m , a n d h o l d i n g o n e o f t h e m in
an a q u e o u s b e a d o n t h e tip of m y finger a n d a d m i r i n g its
S a a r i n e n e s q u e u p c u r v e , a n d w h e n I folded it in half a n d
r u b b e d its slightly slimy surface a g a i n s t itself to b r e a k u p t h e
p r o t e i n deposits, I often r e m e m b e r e d t h e satisfactions of
m a k i n g o m e l e t s in Teflon fry-pans. B u t t h o u g h as a h o b b y
they were r e w a r d i n g , t h o u g h I was as excited in o p e n i n g t h e
centrifugal s p i n - c l e a n i n g m a c h i n e I o r d e r e d for t h e m as I
would have b e e n if I h a d b o u g h t a n a u t o m a t i c b r e a d b a k e r o r
a new k i n d of sexual utensil, they interfered with m y a p p r e c i a tion of t h e world. I c o u l d see t h i n g s t h r o u g h t h e m , b u t I
wasn't pleased to look at things. T h e b a n d w i d t h of my o p t i c a l
processors was b e i n g flooded with " t h e r e is a n i n t r u d e r o n
your eyeball" messages, so t h a t a lot of t h e i n c i d e n t a l visual
h a u l from m y r e t i n a was simply n o t a b l e to get t h r o u g h . I
wasn't enjoying t h e sights you were obviously m e a n t to enjoy,
as w h e n you walked a r o u n d a p a r k o n a windy day w a t c h i n g
people's briefcases get blown a r o u n d o n t h e i r a r m s .
At first I t h o u g h t it was w o r t h losing t h e b e a u t y of t h e world
in o r d e r to look b e t t e r to t h e world: I really was m o r e h a n d some w i t h o u t glassesthe d a s h i n g scar o n m y left eyebrow,
where I c u t myself o n a scrap of a l u m i n u m , was m o r e evident.
A girl I knew ( a n d w h o s e clothes I r e m o v e d ) in h i g h school
used to sing "Il faut souffrir pour tre belle" in a soft voice, to
a t u n e of h e r own devising, a n d I t o o k t h a t o v e r h e a r d p r e c e p t
7
NICHOLSON
BAKER
seriously; I was willing to u n d e r s t a n d it n o t j u s t in t h e n a r r o w

sense of painful h a i r - b r u s h i n g o r (say) eyebrow-tweezing o r
l i p o s u c t i o n , b u t in s o m e b r o a d e r sense t h a t suffering makes
for b e a u t y in art, t h a t t h e artist h a s to suffer griefs a n d priva
tions in o r d e r to deliver b e a u t y to his o r h e r p u b l i c , all t h a t
well-ventilated j u n k . So I c o n t i n u e d to wear c o n t a c t s even
w h e n e a c h blink was a dry t o r m e n t . B u t t h e n I n o t i c e d t h a t my
typing was suffering, t o o a n d t h e r e , since I a m a t e m p a n d
t y p i n g is m y livelihood, I really h a d to draw t h e line. Especially
w h e n I typed n u m b e r s , m y e r r o r r a t e was way u p . ( O n c e I
s p e n t two weeks d o i n g n o t h i n g b u t typing six-digit n u m b e r s . )
P e o p l e b e g a n b r i n g i n g b a c k financial c h a r t s t h a t I h a d d o n e
with m i s t y p e d n u m b e r s circled in red, asking, " A r e you all
right
today, A r n o ? " C o n t a c t lenses also, I noticed, m a d e m e
feel, as l o u d c o n t i n u o u s factory noise also will, t e n feet farther

away from a n y o n e else a r o u n d m e . T h e y were isolating m e ,
h e i g h t e n i n g r a t h e r t h a n h e l p i n g rid m e of mywell, I sup
p o s e it is p r o p e r t o call it my loneliness. I missed t h e s h a r p
c o r n e r s of my glasses, w h i c h h a d h e l p e d m e d i g my way o u t
i n t o sociability; they h a d b e e n p a r t of w h a t I felt was my
characteristic e x p r e s s i o n .
W h e n I s t a r t e d today, I h a d n o i n t e n t i o n of g e t t i n g i n t o all
this a b o u t eyeglasses. B u t it is g e r m a n e . I love l o o k i n g at
w o m e n . I love b e i n g a b l e to see t h e m clearly. I particularly
like b e i n g in t h e p o s i t i o n I a m in this very second, which is
n o t l o o k i n g at Joyce, b u t r a t h e r t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h e a m a z i n g
fact t h a t I can look u p from this p a g e at any t i m e a n d stare at
any p a r t of h e r t h a t calls o u t to m e for as l o n g as I want
w i t h o u t t r o u b l i n g o r e m b a r r a s s i n g her. J o y c e d o e s n ' t wear
glasses, b u t m y ex-girlfriend R h o d y d i d a n d
somewhere
a l o n g t h e line I realized t h a t if I liked glasses o n w o m e n ,

w h i c h I d o very m u c h , m a y b e w o m e n w o u l d tolerate glasses
8
THE
FERMATA
o n m e . O n n a k e d w o m e n glasses work for m e t h e way spike

heels o r a snake t a t t o o o r a n ankle b r a c e l e t o r a fake b e a u t y
spot work for s o m e m e n t h e y m a k e t h e n u d i t y p o p o u t at
m e ; they m a k e t h e w o m a n s e e m m o r e n a k e d t h a n she w o u l d
have s e e m e d if she were c o m p l e t e l y n a k e d . Also, I w a n t to b e
very sure t h a t she c a n see every i n c h of my r i c h a r d with u t t e r
clarity, a n d if she is w e a r i n g glasses I k n o w t h a t she c a n if she
wants to.
T h e d e c i d i n g m o m e n t really c a m e w h e n I s p e n t t h e n i g h t
with a w o m a n , a n office m a n a g e r , w h o , I think anyway, h a d sex
with m e s o o n e r t h a n she w a n t e d to simply to distract m e from
n o t i c i n g t h e fact t h a t h e r c o n t a c t s were b o t h e r i n g h e r . It was
very late, b u t I t h i n k she w a n t e d to talk for a while l o n g e r , a n d
yet (this is my theory) she h u r r i e d to t h e sex b e c a u s e t h e
e x t r e m e intimacy, to h e r way of t h i n k i n g , of a p p e a r i n g b e f o r e
m e in h e r glasses was only possible after t h e less e x t r e m e
intimacy of fucking m e . Several times as we talked I was o n t h e
p o i n t of saying, since h e r eyes d i d look q u i t e u n h a p p i l y pink,
"You w a n t to take o u t y o u r contacts? I'll take o u t m i n e . " B u t
I didn't, b e c a u s e I t h o u g h t it m i g h t have a c o n d e s c e n d i n g sort
of "I know everything a b o u t you, baby, y o u r b l o o d s h o t eyes
give you away" quality. P r o b a b l y I s h o u l d have. A few days
after that, t h o u g h , I r e s u m e d w e a r i n g m y glasses to work. My
e r r o r r a t e d r o p p e d right b a c k d o w n . I was instantly h a p p i e r .
I n particular, I r e c o g n i z e d t h e crucial i m p o r t a n c e of h i n g e s to
my p l e a s u r e in life. W h e n I o p e n m y glasses in t h e m o r n i n g
before t a k i n g a shower a n d g o i n g to work, I a m like a n excited
tourist w h o has j u s t risen from his h o t e l b e d o n t h e first day
of a vacation: I've j u s t flung o p e n a set of d o u b l e F r e n c h d o o r s
leading o u t o n t o a sunlit b a l c o n y with a view of t h e e n t i r e
w h a t e v e r s h i p p i n g c o r r i d o r , bay, valley, p a r k i n g lot. ( H o w
can p e o p l e n o t like views over m o t e l p a r k i n g lots in t h e early
9
NICHOLSON
BAKER
m o r n i n g ? T h e n e w s u b t l e r c a r colors, t h e b l u e - g r e e n s a n d
w a r m e r grays, a n d t h e sense t h a t all those drivers are leveled
in t h e d e m o c r a c y of sleep a n d t h a t t h e glass a n d h o o d s o u t
t h e r e a r e cold a n d even dewy, m a k e for o n e of t h e m o r e
i n s p i r i n g visions t h a t life c a n offer before n i n e o'clock.) O r
m a y b e F r e n c h - d o o r - h i n g e s are n o t entirely it. M a y b e I think
t h a t t h e h i n g e s of my glasses are a w o m a n ' s hip-sockets: h e r
l o n g graceful legs o p e n a n d s t r a d d l e my h e a d all day. I asked
R h o d y o n c e w h e t h e r she liked t h e tickling of my glassesframes o n t h e inside of h e r t h i g h s . S h e said, "Usually y o u r
glasses a r e off by t h e n , a r e n ' t they?" I a d m i t t e d t h a t was true.
S h e said she d i d n ' t like it w h e n I wore my glasses b e c a u s e she
w a n t e d m y sense of h e r o p e n vadge to b e m o r e Sisley t h a n
R i c h a r d Estes. " B u t I d o s o m e t i m e s like feeling y o u r ears h i g h
o n m y t h i g h s , " she c o n c e d e d . " A n d if I c l a m p y o u r ears h a r d
with my t h i g h s I c a n m a k e m o r e noise w i t h o u t feeling I ' m
g e t t i n g o u t of h a n d . " R h o d y was a g o o d , g o o d p e r s o n , a n d I
p r o b a b l y s h o u l d n o t have tried to a l l u d e even obliquely to my
Fold e x p e r i e n c e s to her, since she f o u n d w h a t little I told h e r
of F e r m a t i o n r e p e l l e n t ; h e r k n o w l e d g e of it c o n t r i b u t e d to
our breakup.
Well! I t h i n k I have established t h a t t h e r e is a n e m o t i o n a l
history to m y w e a r i n g of glasses. So in saying t h a t she liked
t h e m , tall J o y c e w h o as I sit t y p i n g this towers above m e now
in a state of semi-nuditywas definitely saying t h e right t h i n g
if she was i n t e r e s t e d in g e t t i n g to my h e a r t , which she p r o b a
bly wasn't. Y o u have to b e e x t r e m e l y careful a b o u t compli
m e n t i n g a thirty-five-year-old m a l e t e m p w h o has achieved
n o t h i n g in his life. " H i , I ' m t h e t e m p ! " T h a t ' s usually what I
say to r e c e p t i o n i s t s o n m y first day of a n a s s i g n m e n t ; that's the
w o r d I use, b e c a u s e it's t h e w o r d everyone uses, t h o u g h it was
a l o n g t i m e b e f o r e I s t o p p e d t h i n k i n g t h a t it was a horrible
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abbreviation, worse t h a n " F r i s c o . " I have b e e n a t e m p for over

ten years, ever since I q u i t g r a d u a t e school. T h e r e a s o n I have
d o n e n o t h i n g with my life is simply t h a t my p o w e r to e n t e r t h e
Fold (or " h i t t h e c l u t c h " o r "find t h e Cleft" o r " t a k e a p e r
sonal d a y " o r "instigate a n E s t o p p e l " ) c o m e s a n d goes. I
value t h e ability, which I suspect is n o t w i d e s p r e a d , b u t b e
cause I d o n ' t have it consistently, b e c a u s e it fades w i t h o u t
w a r n i n g a n d d o e s n ' t r e t u r n u n t i l m o n t h s o r years later, I've
gotten h o o k e d i n t o a sort of d a m a g i n g b o o m - a n d - b u s t K o n dratieff cycle. W h e n I've lost t h e power, I simply exist, I d o t h e
m i n i m u m I have to d o to m a k e a living, b e c a u s e I k n o w t h a t
in a sense everything I w a n t to a c c o m p l i s h ( a n d l a m a p e r s o n
with ambitions) is infinitely p o s t p o n a b l e .
As a r o u g h estimate, I t h i n k I have p r o b a b l y s p e n t only a
total of two years of p e r s o n a l t i m e in t h e Fold, if you l u m p t h e
individual m i n u t e s o r h o u r s t o g e t h e r , m a y b e even less; b u t
they have b e e n s o m e of t h e best, m o s t alive times I've h a d . My
life r e m i n d s m e of t h e capital-gains tax p r o b l e m , as I o n c e
r e a d a b o u t it in a n o p - e d piece: if legislators k e e p c h a n g i n g ,
o r even p r o m i s i n g to c h a n g e , t h e capital-gains p e r c e n t a g e s ,
r e p e a l i n g a n d r e i n s t a t i n g t h e tax, t h e r a t i o n a l investor will
begin to base his i n v e s t m e n t decisions n o t o n t h e existing tax
laws, b u t o n his certainty of c h a n g e , w h i c h m i s c h a n n e l s ( t h e
p e r s o n w h o wrote t h e o p - e d piece convincingly a r g u e d ) in
s o m e destructive way t h e circulation of capital. So t o o with m e
d u r i n g those p e r i o d s w h e n I wait for t h e r e t u r n of my ability
to stop time: I think, Why s h o u l d I r e a d E r n e s t R e n a n o r l e a r n
m a t r i x a l g e b r a now, since w h e n I ' m a b l e to D r o p again, I'll b e
able to s p e n d private h o u r s , o r even years, satisfying any fleet
i n g intellectual curiosity while t h e w h o l e world waits for m e ?
I can always c a t c h u p . T h a t ' s t h e p r o b l e m .
P e o p l e are s o m e w h a t p u z z l e d by m e w h e n I first show u p at
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t h e i r officeWhat is this u n y o u n g m a n , this thirty-five-yearold m a n , d o i n g t e m p i n g ? Maybe h e h a s a c r i m i n a l past, o r

m a y b e h e ' s lost a d e c a d e to d r u g s , or: Maybe H e ' s a n Artist?
B u t after a day o r two, they adjust, since I a m a fairly efficient
a n d g o o d - n a t u r e d typist, familiar with m o s t of t h e c o m m o n l y
u s e d kinds of software ( a n d s o m e of t h e f o r g o t t e n kinds too,
like nroff, Lanier, a n d N B I , a n d t h e g o o d old d e d i c a t e d DEC
systems with t h e g o l d key), a n d I a m u n u s u a l l y g o o d at read
i n g difficult h a n d w r i t i n g a n d s u p p l y i n g p u n c t u a t i o n for dic
tators w h o in t h e i r creative e x c i t e m e n t forget. O n c e in a great
while I use my F o l d - p o w e r s to a m a z e everyone with my a p p a r
e n t t y p i n g speed, t r a n s c r i b i n g a t w o - h o u r t a p e in o n e h o u r
a n d t h a t k i n d of t h i n g . B u t I ' m careful n o t to a m a z e t o o often
a n d b e c o m e a t e m p l e g e n d , since this is my great secret a n d
I d o n ' t w a n t to i m p e r i l itthis is t h e o n e t h i n g t h a t m a k e s my
life w o r t h living. W h e n s o m e of t h e m o r e intelligent p e o p l e in
a given office ask little p r o b i n g l y polite q u e s t i o n s to try to
figure m e o u t , I often lie a n d tell t h e m t h a t I ' m a writer. It is
a l m o s t funny to see h o w relieved they are to have a way of
e x p l a i n i n g m y lowly work status to themselves. N o r is it so
m u c h of a lie, b e c a u s e if I h a d n o t wasted so m u c h of my life
w a i t i n g for t h e n e x t F e r m a t a - p h a s e to c o m e a l o n g I would
very likely have written s o m e sort of a b o o k by now. A n d I have
written a few s h o r t e r t h i n g s .
I ' m t y p i n g this o n a p o r t a b l e electronic typewriter because
I d o n ' t w a n t to risk p u t t i n g any of it o n t h e b a n k ' s LAN. Local
a r e a networks b e h a v e erratically in t h e Fold. W h e n my carpalt u n n e l p r o b l e m gets b a d , I u s e a m a n u a l for my private writ
ing; it s e e m s to h e l p . B u t I d o n ' t have to: batteries a n d
electricity do f u n c t i o n in t h e F o l d i n fact, all t h e laws of
physics still o b t a i n , as far as I c a n tell, b u t only to the extent
t h a t I r e a w a k e n t h e m . T h e best way to describe it is t h a t right
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now, b e c a u s e I have s n a p p e d my fingers, every event every

where is in a state of gel-like s u s p e n s i o n . I c a n m o v e , a n d t h e
air molecules p a r t to let m e t h r o u g h , b u t they d o it resistingly,
reluctantly, a n d t h e f a r t h e r t h a t objects a r e from m e , t h e m o r e
t h o r o u g h l y they are p a u s e d . If s o m e o n e was riding a m o t o r c y
cle d o w n a hill before I s t o p p e d t i m e " h a l f a n h o u r " a g o , t h e
rider will r e m a i n m o t i o n l e s s o n his vehicle unless I walk u p to
h i m a n d give h i m a p u s h i n w h i c h case h e will fall d o w n , b u t
somewhat m o r e slowly t h a n if h e fell in a n u n p a u s e d universe.
H e w o n ' t take off d o w n t h e hill at t h e s p e e d h e was r i d i n g , h e
will j u s t tip over. I u s e d to b e t e m p t e d to fly small a i r p l a n e s in
the Fold, b u t I ' m n o t t h a t stupid. Flight, t h o u g h , is definitely
possible, as is t h e p a u s i n g of t i m e o n a n a i r p l a n e flight. T h e
world stays h a l t e d exactly as it is e x c e p t w h e r e I m e s s with it,
a n d for t h e m o s t p a r t I try to b e as u n o b t r u s i v e as possibleas
unobtrusive as my lusts let m e b e . T h i s typewriter, for in
stance, p u t s w h a t I type o n t h e p a g e b e c a u s e t h e act of press
i n g a letter m a k e s cause a n d effect f u n c t i o n locally. A circuit
is c o m p l e t e d , a little electricity d r i b b l e s from t h e batteries,
etc. I honestly d o n ' t know h o w far o u t w a r d m y p e r s o n a l distor
tion of t h e t e m p o r a r y timelessness t h a t I c r e a t e m e a s u r a b l y
spreads. I d o know t h a t d u r i n g a F e r m a t a a w o m a n ' s skin feels
soft where it is soft, w a r m w h e n it is w a r m h e r sweat feels
w a r m w h e n it is w a r m . It's a sort of reverse Midas t o u c h t h a t
I have while in t h e F o l d t h e world is i n e r t a n d s t a t u e s q u e
until I t o u c h it a n d m a k e it live ordinarily.
I h a d this idea of writing my life story while within a typical
chronanistic e x p e r i e n c e j u s t yesterday. It's a l m o s t i n c r e d i b l e
to t h i n k t h a t I've b e e n D r o p p i n g since f o u r t h g r a d e a n d yet
I've never m a d e t h e effort to write a b o u t it right while it was
g o i n g o n . I k e p t a n a b b r e v i a t e d l o g for a while in h i g h s c h o o l
a n d c o l l e g e d a t e a n d t i m e of D r o p , w h a t I did, h o w l o n g in
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p e r s o n a l m i n u t e s o r h o u r s o r days it took (for a watch usually

starts u p a g a i n in t h e Fold if I shake it, so I c a n easily m e a s u r e
h o w l o n g I have b e e n o u t ) , w h e t h e r I l e a r n e d a n y t h i n g new o r
n o t , a n d so o n . Y o u w o u l d think, if a p e r s o n really c o u l d stop
t h e w o r l d a n d get off, as I c a n , t h a t it w o u l d o c c u r to h i m fairly
early o n to s t o p t h e world in o r d e r to r e c o r d with s o m e care
w h a t it felt like to s t o p t h e world a n d get off, for t h e benefit
of t h e c u r i o u s . B u t I n o w see, even this far i n t o my first
a u t o b i o g r a p h i c a l F e r m a t a , why I never did it before. Sad to
say, it is j u s t as h a r d to write d u r i n g a F e r m a t i o n as it is in real
t i m e . Y o u still m u s t d o l e o u t all t h e t h i n g s you have to say o n e
by o n e , w h e n w h a t y o u w a n t of c o u r s e is to say t h e m all at
o n c e . B u t I a m g o i n g to give it a try. I a m thirty-five now, a n d
I have d o n e q u i t e a lot of t h i n g s , mostly b a d , with t h e Fold's
h e l p ( i n c l u d i n g , incidentally, r e c i t i n g Dylan T h o m a s ' s " P o e m
o n H i s B i r t h d a y " a p p a r e n t l y from m e m o r y at t h e final session
of a class in m o d e r n lyric p o e t r y in college: it is a longish
p o e m , a n d w h e n e v e r nervousness m a d e m e forget a line, I j u s t
p a u s e d t h e world by p r e s s i n g t h e switch of my T i m e Perv e r t e r w h i c h is w h a t I called t h e modified
garage-door
o p e n e r t h a t I u s e d in t h o s e d a y s a n d refreshed my m e m o r y
by l o o k i n g at a c o p y of t h e text t h a t I h a d in my n o t e b o o k , a n d
n o o n e was t h e w i s e r ) a n d if I d o n ' t write s o m e of these
private a d v e n t u r e s d o w n now, I know I ' m g o i n g to regret it.
J u s t n o w I s p u n a r o u n d o n c e in my c h a i r in o r d e r to sur
prise myself a g a i n with t h e sight of Joyce's p u b i c hair. It really
is a m a z i n g to m e t h a t I c a n d o this, even after all these years.
S h e was walking a b o u t thirty feet from my desk, across an
e m p t y stretch of space, carrying s o m e p a p e r s , o n h e r way to
s o m e o n e ' s c u b e , a n d my gaze j u s t l a u n c h e d toward her, div
i n g cleanly, w i t h o u t ripples, t h r o u g h t h e glasses t h a t she h a d
c o m p l i m e n t e d , t a k i n g h e a r t from h a v i n g to pass t h r o u g h the
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optical influence of s o m e t h i n g she h a d n o t i c e d a n d liked. It

was as if I traveled a l o n g t h e arc of my sight a n d r e a c h e d h e r
visually. ( T h e r e is definitely s o m e t h i n g to t h o s e medieval
theories of sight t h a t h a d t h e eye s e n d i n g o u t rays.) A n d j u s t
as my sighted self r e a c h e d her, she s t o p p e d walking for a
second, to check s o m e t h i n g o n o n e of t h e p a p e r s she h e l d ,
a n d w h e n she l o o k e d d o w n I was struck by t h e s i m p l e fact t h a t
today h e r h a i r is braided.
It is a r r a n g e d in w h a t I t h i n k is called a F r e n c h b r a i d . E a c h
of t h e solid c l u m p s of h e r h a i r feeds i n t o t h e overall solidity
of t h e braid, a n d t h e w h o l e s t r u c t u r e is p l a i t e d as p a r t of h e r
h e a d , like a set of glossy e x t e r n a l v e r t e b r a e . I ' m i m p r e s s e d
t h a t w o m e n are a b l e to a r r a n g e this sort of c o m p l i c a t e d fig
u r e , w i t h o u t t o o m a n y stray strands, w i t h o u t h e l p , in t h e
m o r n i n g , by feel. W o m e n a r e m u c h m o r e in t o u c h with t h e
backs of themselves t h a n m e n are: they c a n r e a c h h i g h e r u p
o n t h e i r back, a n d d o so daily to u n f a s t e n bras; they c a n clip
a n d b r a i d t h e i r hair; they c a n k e e p t h e i r r e a r w a r d blouse-tails
smoothly t u c k e d i n t o t h e i r skirts. T h e y give t h o u g h t to h o w
t h e edges of t h e i r u n d e r p a n t s look t h r o u g h t h e i r pocketless
p a n t s from t h e back. ( " P a n t i e s " is a w o r d to b e avoided, I
feel.) B u t F r e n c h braids, in which t h r e e s p o r t i n g d o l p h i n s d i p
smoothly u n d e r o n e a n o t h e r a n d surface in a c o n t i n u o u s
e l e g a n t e n t r a i n m e n t , a r e t h e m o s t beautiful a n d impressive
results of this sense of dorsal space. As s o o n as I saw J o y c e ' s
braid I knew t h a t it was t i m e to s t o p t i m e . I n e e d e d to feel h e r
solid braid, a n d h e r h e a d b e n e a t h it, in m y p a l m .
So, j u s t as she started walking again, I s n a p p e d m y
fingers.
This is my latest m e t h o d of e n t e r i n g t h e Fold, a n d o n e of t h e

simpler I have b e e n able to d e v e l o p ( m u c h m o r e straightfor
ward t h a n my earlier m a t h e m a t i c a l - f o r m u l a t e c h n i q u e , o r t h e
sewn calluses, for instance, b o t h of w h i c h I will get i n t o l a t e r ) .
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S h e d i d n ' t h e a r t h e s n a p , only I d i d t h e universe halts at

s o m e i n d e t e r m i n a t e p o i n t j u s t before m y m i d d l e finger swats
a g a i n s t t h e b a s e of m y t h u m b . I got o u t my Casio typewriter
a n d s c o o t e d over h e r e to h e r o n my chair. (I d i d n ' t scoot
backwards, I s c o o t e d frontwards, which isn't easy to d o over
c a r p e t i n g , b e c a u s e it is h a r d to get t h e p r o p e r traction. I
w a n t e d to k e e p m y eyes o n her.) S h e was in mid-stride. I
r e a c h e d forward a n d p u t m y h a n d s o n h e r h i p b o n e s . It felt as
if t h e r e were c a s h m e r e o r s o m e t h i n g fancy in t h e wool, a n d it
was g o o d to feel h e r h i p b o n e s t h r o u g h t h a t soft material, a n d
to see m y h a n d s a n g l i n g to follow t h e incurve of h e r waist,
w h i c h t h e dress h a d to a n e x t e n t h i d d e n . S o m e t i m e s w h e n I
first t o u c h a w o m a n in t h e Fold I tense u p my a r m s u n t i l they
vibrate, so t h a t t h e s h a p e of whatever is u n d e r m y p a l m s keeps
o n b e i n g sent t h r o u g h m y nerves as new i n f o r m a t i o n . I never
k n o w exactly w h a t I will d o d u r i n g a D r o p . T o get h e r dress
o u t of t h e way, I lifted its soft h e m u p over h e r hips a n d
g a t h e r e d it i n t o two wingy b u n c h e s a n d tied a b i g soft k n o t
with t h e m . It h a d s e e m e d as if she h a d a tiny potbelly with t h e
dress o n (this c a n b e a sexy t o u c h , I think, o n s o m e w o m e n ) ,
b u t if she h a d , it d i s a p p e a r e d o r lost definition as s o o n as I
p u l l e d h e r p a n t y - h o s e a n d u n d e r p a n t s d o w n as far as I c o u l d
get t h e m , w h i c h w a s n ' t t h a t far b e c a u s e h e r legs were walkingly a p a r t . (Also, before I p u l l e d d o w n h e r p a n t y h o s e , which
is a smoky-blue color, I t o u c h e d a n oval of h e r skin t h r o u g h
a r u n in t h e d a r k e r p a r t h i g h o n h e r thigh.) A n d t h e n I was
given this sight t h a t I have before m e now, of h e r p u b i c hair.
I ' m n o t n o r m a l l y a p u b i c - h a i r obsessiveI really have n o
o n g o i n g fetishes, I d o n ' t think, b e c a u s e e a c h w o m a n is dif
ferent, a n d y o u n e v e r k n o w w h a t p a r t i c u l a r feature o r transi
t i o n b e t w e e n features is g o i n g to g r a b you a n d say, " L o o k at
thisyou've n e v e r t h o u g h t a b o u t exactly this before!" Each
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w o m a n inspires h e r own fetishes. A n d it isn't t h a t J o y c e h a s

s o m e l u d i c r o u s Vagi-fro o r massive Koosh-ball e x p l o s i o n of a
sex-goateein fact h e r h a i r isn't thicker really t h a n most. It's
j u s t t h a t it covers a wider area, m a y b e , a n d its blackness spar
kles, if you willits c u r v i n g b o r d e r r e a c h e s a little h i g h e r o n
h e r s t o m a c h . A little?what a m I saying? It's t h e size of S o u t h
America. T o t h i n k t h a t I c o u l d have d i e d a n d n o t seen t h i s
t h a t I c o u l d have picked a different t e m p a s s i g n m e n t w h e n
J e n n y , my c o o r d i n a t o r , told m e m y choices a few weeks a g o .
W h a t is exciting a b o u t its e x t e n t is m a y b e that, b e c a u s e it
reaches h i g h e r t h a n o t h e r w o m e n ' s p u b i c hair, it b e c o m e s less
a n d m o r e sexual at t h e s a m e t i m e t h e s l a n g for it, like "pussy
h a i r " a n d " c u n t h a i r " (I flinch at b o t h t h o s e words, e x c e p t
w h e n I ' m close to c o m i n g ) , d o e s n ' t apply b e c a u s e it is n o
longer, strictly s p e a k i n g , " p u b i c " h a i r at allits b o r d e r s are
r e a c h i n g o u t i n t o soft a b d o m i n a l love-areas, so love a n d sex
mix. I w a n t e d to feel it, t h e d e n s e sisaly lush resilience of it,
which m a k e s t h a t w h o l e h i p p y p a r t of h e r b o d y look e x t r a o r
dinarily graceful. It is a k i n d of black cocktail dress u n d e r
which h e r clit-heart beatsit has t h a t m u c h
dignity.
B u t r a t h e r t h a n h o l d i n g it immediately, I d e p r i v e d myself of
t h e sight of it for a little while a n d i n s t e a d gently p l a c e d my
h a n d o n h e r braid, w h i c h was cool a n d thick a n d s m o o t h a n d
dense, a totally different i d e a of hair, so different t h a t it is
s t r a n g e to t h i n k of t h e two o r d e r s of h a i r as s h a r i n g t h e s a m e
word, b u t which follows t h e curve of h e r h e a d in t h e s a m e way
t h a t h e r p u b i c h a i r follows t h e curve over h e r m o u n d - b o n e ,
a n d w h e n I felt t h e F r e n c h - b r a i d s e n s a t i o n sinking i n t o t h e
hollow of my p a l m , which craves sexual s h a p e s a n d t e x t u r e s ,
I t h e n went a h e a d a n d c u r l e d t h e fingers of m y o t h e r h a n d
t h r o u g h h e r devil's food fur, c o n n e c t i n g t h e two kinky h a n d fuls of h o m e - g r o w n p r o t e i n with my a r m s , a n d it felt as if I
17
NICHOLSON
BAKER
were h o t - w i r i n g a car; my h e a r t ' s twin c a r b u r e t o r s r o a r e d into

life. T h a t ' s all I did, t h e n I started typing this before I forgot
t h e feeling. Maybe t h a t ' s all I will d o . T h a t sexy, sexy p u b i c
hair! I ' m n o t i c i n g n o w t h a t its c o n t o u r s are similar to those of
a black bicycle seat: a black l e a t h e r seat o n a r a c i n g bicycle.
M a y b e this is why t h o s e sad sniffers of c o m i c l e g e n d sniff girls'
bicycle seats? N o , for t h e m it isn't t h e s h a p e , it's t h e fact t h a t
t h e seat h a s b e e n b e t w e e n a girl's legs. T h e y are truly p a t h e t i c .
I have n o s y m p a t h y to s p a r e for c o m p u l s i o n s o t h e r t h a n my
own. I would, t h o u g h , like to rescue t h e c o r r e s p o n d e n c e be
tween p u b i c h a i r a n d n a r r o w black-leather bicycle seats from
them.
All right, I t h i n k t h a t is e n o u g h for now. I've b e e n in the
Fold for, let's see, a l m o s t f o u r h o u r s a n d written e i g h t singles p a c e d p a g e s , a n d t h e p r o b l e m is t h a t if I stay in t o o l o n g I'll
have j e t l a g t o m o r r o w , since a c c o r d i n g to my i n n e r clock it
will b e f o u r h o u r s later t h a n it is. Usually I d o n ' t s p e n d nearly
this l o n g in a D r o p . I a m g o i n g to p u t Joyce's clothes back in
o r d e r a n d s m o o t h o u t h e r dress (I w o u l d never have tied a
k n o t in it if s h e wore a c o t t o n dress, b e c a u s e t h e wrinkles
w o u l d show u p t o o m u c h a n d puzzle h e r ) a n d I ' m g o i n g to
scoot b a c k to my desk a n d finish o u t t h e day. T h e g o o d t h i n g
is t h a t if she b r i n g s m e a t a p e to d o later this afternoon, I will
b e m u c h m o r e r e l a x e d a n d t h e r e f o r e likable t h a n if I h a d n ' t
partially s t r i p p e d h e r w i t h o u t h e r k n o w l e d g e o r consent. I will
j e s t knowingly a n d winningly with her. I will c o m p l i m e n t h e r
o n today's scarfwhich isn't, honestly, q u i t e as nice as the
Cyrillic o n e . (Maybe w h e n she was g e t t i n g dressed this m o r n
i n g she p u t o n this knit dress a n d t h e n r e m e m b e r e d t h a t
I h a d a d m i r e d h e r scarf, a n d m a y b e she t h o u g h t t h a t wear
i n g it a g a i n as well w o u l d b e t o o direct a Yes from her; b u t
t h e n a g a i n m a y b e t h e r e a s o n she was w e a r i n g t h e dress this
18
THE
FERMATA
soon a g a i n was t h a t she h a d liked my c o m p l i m e n t i n g h e r o n

h e r scarf a n d w a n t e d to a l l u d e to t h a t c o m p l i m e n t indirectly
by w e a r i n g t h e s a m e dress with a n o t h e r scarf.) T h i s n e w o n e
is a Liberty p a t t e r n of p u r p l y grays a n d g r e e n s , definitely
worth smiling at a n d even a c k n o w l e d g i n g o u t r i g h t . B u t I
d o n ' t w a n t to get i n t o o n e of t h o s e awful r u n n i n g - c o m p l i m e n t
p a t t e r n s , w h e r e I have to m e n t i o n h e r scarves every t i m e she
wears o n e .
T h e o t h e r t h i n g I s h o u l d say is t h a t u n d e r n o r m a l c i r c u m
stances I w o u l d p r o b a b l y give serious t h o u g h t to " p o a c h i n g
a n e g g " at this p o i n t , b u t b e c a u s e I have written all this, a n d
because this is, I believe, g o i n g to b e t h e very b e g i n n i n g of a
sort of a u t o b i o g r a p h y , I c a n ' t . W h a t a surprise, t h o u g h , to
find this Casio typewriter a c t i n g as c h a p e r o n ! (Maybe w h a t I
will d o is go a h e a d , b u t n o t m e n t i o n it.)
19
WAS
BORN
WITH
A KNOT
IN
MY UMBILICAL
CORD,
SIMPLE
p r e t z e l k n o t . I d o u b t t h a t this fact of m y b i r t h has a n y t h i n g to

d o with m y l a t e r c h r o n a n i s m s , b u t I will p u t it d o w n h e r e j u s t
in case it d o e s . I a m p r o u d of h a v i n g set i m m e d i a t e l y to work
a r t - n o u v e a u i n g t h e f u n c t i o n a l furnishings of my i n t r a u t e r i n e
d e a n e r y . S o m e h o w I was able to form a l o o p a n d t h e n swim
right
t h r o u g h it. I tied a k n o t in myself. Like m a n y child
p r o d i g i e s , however, I fizzled early. T h e F e r m a t a , first unfold

i n g itself for m e in f o u r t h g r a d e , has b e e n a lifelong distrac
tion. I have w a n t e d to k e e p it a secret, a n d as a result it has
swallowed u p l a r g e c h u n k s of my personality. B u t I h o p e that
will c h a n g e now.
20
THE
FERMATA
O n c e , following a l o n g lull, I f o u n d a way to g e t b a c k i n t o

the Fold five o r six times after I s m a s h e d m y h e a d i n t o a
p a r k i n g m e t e r in P h i l a d e l p h i a . I was t h i r t e e n o r f o u r t e e n . W e
were staying at t h e Barclay H o t e l ; as a t r e a t I was allowed t o
d r i n k s o m e w a t e r e d - d o w n wine with l u n c h . I d r a n k m o r e of it
t h a n t h e adults knew a n d f o u n d myself a c t i n g wild a n d flaily
o n t h e street d u r i n g o u r a f t e r n o o n walk. I r a n a h e a d , h i d
between two cars, i n t e n d i n g to s p r i n g o u t o n everyone. I
sprang, s h o u t i n g , " B o o ! " B u t m y m o u t h a n d t h e side of m y
face m e t a p a r k i n g m e t e r t h a t I h a d f o r g o t t e n was t h e r e . T h e
collision m a d e a n e n o r m o u s b o n y s o u n d in m y h e a d . T h e m e
ter h a d only a m i n u t e o r two left, I n o t i c e d , s t a g g e r i n g ; t h e r e d
t h o u g h t - b a l l o o n saying
EXPIRED
was j u s t a b o u t to d a w n . I saw
a p a t t e r n of s q u i r m i n g d i a m o n d s t h a t w o u l d have m a d e very
nice W i e n e r Werkstatte w r a p p i n g p a p e r . Twenty m i n u t e s
later, as t h e b e d m a d e sloppy figure eights a r o u n d t h e h o t e l
r o o m (where I h a d b e e n left to convalesce), I p i n c h e d m y
swollen lip a n d n o t i c e d t h a t all traffic noise s t o p p e d . I realized
I was in t h e Fold. I walked downstairs to t h e m o t i o n l e s s h o t e l
b a r a n d b a c k to t h e k i t c h e n a n d ate two h u g e s h r i m p t h a t a
motionless c o o k o r cook's h e l p e r h e l d as h e a r r a n g e d a
s h r i m p cocktail. I was a m a z e d at h o w g o o d t h e cocktail s a u c e
tasted. I sucked o n a piece of lime a n d t h r e w it o u t in a c a n
b e h i n d t h e bar. I felt steadied. I w e n t o u t i n t o t h e lobby a n d
sat d o w n n e x t to a w o m a n o n a c o u c h a n d s m e l l e d t h e collar
of h e r coat deeply. At first I t h o u g h t it smelled like pickles,
a n d t h e n I realized t h a t it smelled like c i g a r e t t e s m o k e , a n d I
was very surprised to t h i n k t h a t pickles a n d cigarette s m o k e
were allied smells. (Is t h a t w h a t p e o p l e m e a n by a " s o u r "
smell?) T h e n I w e n t b a c k u p s t a i r s a n d p i n c h e d m y lip a g a i n
the s a m e way I h a d , a little to t h e right of c e n t e r , u n t i l it h u r t
a lot, to t u r n t h e Barclay H o t e l a n d t h e rest of t h e p l a n e t b a c k
21
NICHOLSON
BAKER
o n , a n d I w e n t to sleep. I still feel b a d a b o u t stealing those

s h r i m p n o t only b e c a u s e of t h e theft, b u t b e c a u s e the
k i t c h e n h e l p e r m a y to this day b e t r o u b l e d by t h a t bit of
s t r a n g e n e s s all t h o s e years a g o , w h e n h e h a d h e l d o n e in each
h a n d and h a d t h e m suddenly disappear.
T h e r e t h a t was a typical early D r o p . I know t h a t I c o u l d
p r o b a b l y m a k e m u c h b e t t e r u s e of my gift t h a n I d o . F o r m e
it is j u s t a sexual aid. O t h e r s m i g h t p u t it to fuller avaricious
o r intellectual use: g o v e r n m e n t secrets, technological espio
n a g e , etc. Surely over t h e c e n t u r i e s a few individuals have
d e v e l o p e d this ability a n d u s e d it to c o n s o l i d a t e p o w e r o r to
l i q u i d a t e e n e m i e s . J. S. B a c h , for instance, c o u l d n o t have
c r a n k e d o u t a c a n t a t a a week w i t h o u t s o m e sort of t e m p o r a l
trickery: h e was p r o b a b l y seventy-five w h e n h e died, n o t sixtyfive, b u t h e h a d b o r r o w e d t h e last d e c a d e of his life a n d used
it u p p i e c e m e a l in earlier D r o p s . I was r e a d i n g C a r d a n o ' s
a u t o b i o g r a p h y n o t l o n g a g o , t o see h o w o n e is s u p p o s e d to
write o n e ' s a u t o b i o g r a p h y (it's h a r d e r t h a n I t h o u g h t ! ) , a n d
I h a d a suspicion at o n e p o i n t t h a t h e h a d discovered a way
i n t o t h e Fold, b u t was n o t g o i n g to reveal t h a t fact to us.
S o m e t h i n g h e said a b o u t p r e f e r r i n g solitude is w h a t alerted
m e . H e said, " I q u e s t i o n t h e right of a n y o n e to waste o u r time.
T h e w a s t i n g of t i m e is a n a b o m i n a t i o n . " I n my place, s o m e
w o u l d toggle t i m e a n d c h e a t o n t h e i r P h . D . orals o r simply
take m o n e y from o p e n c a s h registers. C h e a t i n g a n d stealing
don't tempt me, though.
O r m a y b e I j u s t t h i n k it is w r o n g to c h e a t a n d steal a n d so
d o n ' t d o it. W h e n I was d e s p e r a t e for m o n e y a few years ago
a n d I f o u n d a way to d r o p i n t o t h e Fold by writing a certain
m a t h e m a t i c a l f o r m u l a o n a scrap of p a p e r , I gave serious
t h o u g h t to walking a r o u n d t h e city stealing o n e d o l l a r from
every o p e n cash register. It w o u l d have t a k e n m e m o n t h s to
22
THE
FERMATA
amass a few t h o u s a n d dollars, so I w o u l d have w o r k e d for m y

loot in a sense, a n d I w o u l d have b e e n stealing a trifling
a m o u n t from e a c h business. B u t I f o u n d t h a t t h e r e was s o m e
t h i n g h o r r i b l e a b o u t t h e sensation of p u l l i n g a d o l l a r bill t h a t
was n o t m i n e from u n d e r t h a t springy c l a m p t h a t h e l d it d o w n
with its own species. T h e r e was misery in it, n o t e x c i t e m e n t . I
was b e h i n d t h e glove c o u n t e r at Filene's trying to steal m y very
first d o l l a r a n d I c o u l d n o t d o it. I n s t e a d , I s t o o d b e h i n d t h e
motionless glove salesperson, a w o m a n of twenty o r so, very
close to her, a n d s q u e e z e d h e r h a r d , so t h a t I fancied I c o u l d
feel t h e tiny cysts in h e r breasts as well as t h e ribs b e n e a t h h e r
shirt. (I always find t h a t it is g o o d for m e to h u g a w o m a n like
this b e c a u s e w h e n I feel h e r ribs I k n o w she is h u m a n . Ribs
inspire pity a n d t e n d e r n e s s a n d t h e sense t h a t we are all in t h e
s a m e s p a r r e d boat.) S h e was a n Italian w o m a n , I think, w h o
looked as if she h a d t a k e n a few courses in b e a u t y school a n d
h a d h a d h e r n a t u r a l esthetic sense injured by t h e e x p e r i e n c e .
She wore a b i g e n g a g e m e n t ring with a n o b l o n g d i a m o n d .
She was a p e r s o n w h o w o u l d never b e physically a t t r a c t e d to
a p e r s o n like m e , j u s t as I w o u l d never b e physically a t t r a c t e d
by a p e r s o n like her. T h i s total i n c o m p a t i b i l i t y m a d e m e a b l e
to feel a s u r g e of m o m e n t a r y sympathy for h e r w h i c h was
almost like a n infatuation.
I p u s h e d t h e d i a m o n d o n h e r finger b a c k a n d forth. ( H e r
nails were c u t short, b u t p o l i s h e d p e r h a p s s h o r t b e c a u s e she
liked trying o n t h e gloves she sold?) T h e n I s l i p p e d h e r e n
g a g e m e n t ring off a n d l o o k e d t h r o u g h it. It said 1 4 K o n t h e
inside. O n a whim, I knelt a n d h e l d h e r h a n d a n d s l i p p e d t h e
ring gently b a c k o n . "Will y o u ? " I said. I h a d n o t b e e n aware
before t h a t m o m e n t of t h e straightforward e r o g e n o u s n e s s of
a ring: it suddenly o c c u r r e d to m e t h a t t h e sides of t h e fingers
are sensitive in a n u p p e r - t h i g h sort of way, a n d t h a t t h e sin23
NICHOLSON
BAKER
gling o u t of t h a t f o u r t h v u l n e r a b l e shy finger, the p l a n e t

N e p t u n e of fingers, which otherwise gets n o u n i q u e t r e a t m e n t
in life a n d d o e s very little o n its own e x c e p t c o n t r o l t h e C o n
t h e h i g h school clarinet o r type t h e n u m b e r two a n d t h e letter
X, to b e h e l d a n d gently s t i m u l a t e d forever by a n expensive
circle of gold is really q u i t e surprisingly sexual. T h e resistance
of this Filene's w o m a n ' s s l e n d e r finger-joint, w h e r e h e r skin
b u n c h e d m o m e n t a r i l y before giving way a n d allowing the
b a n d I h e l d to slide h o m e , was in a n inverted way like t h e
m o m e n t of resistance o r dry f u m b l i n g before t h e g r o o m ' s
u n p r a c t i c e d richard m o v e d s m o o t h l y in. G e t t i n g e n g a g e d was
t h u s a n obscenity. "If you fingerfuck this r i n g for m e now,
d a r l i n g , I vow t h a t I will fuck you regularly for t h e rest of your
life." T h a t ' s basically t h e a r r a n g e m e n t . Why d o e s it take m e so
l o n g to u n d e r s t a n d s u c h obvious things, things everyone else
p r o b a b l y picks u p o n right away?
A n o t h e r m o r e p e r t i n e n t q u e s t i o n m i g h t b e , If I t h i n k that
it is w r o n g to steal a d o l l a r bill from a n o p e n cash register, a n d
if I feel guilty a b o u t stealing two fresh s h r i m p from a hotel
r e s t a u r a n t , why d o n ' t I have q u a l m s a b o u t h u g g i n g a n other
wise e n g a g e d glove saleswoman at Filene's? She d o e s n ' t know
m e ; she d o e s n ' t k n o w t h a t I ' m h u g g i n g h e r a n d m o c k - p r o p o s
i n g to h e r . D o I really t h i n k I have t h e right to hike Joyce's
wool dress u p a r o u n d h e r h i p s a n d tie a k n o t in it? H o w can
I b e s u r e t h a t she w o u l d w a n t m e to have my fingers in h e r
p u b i c hair? T h e q u e s t i o n of my w r o n g d o i n g is a fair o n e , b u t
I ' m g o i n g to table it for t h e t i m e b e i n g a n d instead sketch in
a few m o r e of m y early Fold e x p e r i e n c e s n o t b e c a u s e they
will e x p l a i n a n y t h i n g , b u t b e c a u s e w h e n I try to i m a g i n e de
f e n d i n g my actions verbally I find t h a t they are indefensible,
a n d I d o n ' t w a n t to k n o w that. I honestly d o n o t feel as if I
have d o n e a n y t h i n g w r o n g . I have never deliberately caused
24
THE
FERMATA
a n y o n e a n g u i s h . I n fact I have with t h e Fold's h e l p saved a few

w o m e n from small e m b a r r a s s m e n t s , a d j u s t i n g t h e occasional
awry slip before a n i m p o r t a n t sales m e e t i n g a n d p u s h i n g a
vagrant u n d e r w i r e in a b r a b a c k in p l a c e , t h a t k i n d of t h i n g .
I m e a n well. B u t I know t h a t m e a n i n g well is n o t any k i n d of
satisfactory defense.
I first s t o p p e d t i m e b e c a u s e I liked m y f o u r t h - g r a d e t e a c h
er, Miss Dobzhansky, a n d w a n t e d to see h e r with fewer clothes
o n . She m i g h t n o t s e e m beautiful to m e now, b u t I certainly
t h o u g h t she was beautiful t h e n . Everyone did. S h e h a d s h o r t e r
h a i r t h a n was u s u a l for e l e m e n t a r y - s c h o o l t e a c h e r s in 1 9 6 7 ,
a n d she was a n e n t h u s i a s t of stop-sign-red lipstickshe m u s t
have w o r n d o w n a stick every fortnight, so full were h e r lips.
She also h a d o n e of t h o s e wide soft t o n g u e s t h a t j u s t n a t u r a l l y
like to rest a little way o u t of t h e d o o r s t e p of t h e m o u t h ,
b e y o n d t h e teeth. ( N o t t h a t it lolled!) S h e always smiled with
h e r m o u t h o p e n . S h e wore l o n g , d r o o p y , soft-looking navyb l u e c a r d i g a n sweaters over sleeveless dresses. I listened to h e r
with g r e a t a t t e n t i o n as she d e s c r i b e d t h e system of locks o n a
n i n e t e e n t h - c e n t u r y c a n a l a n d t h e I n d i a n t e c h n i q u e of m a n u
facturing a d u g o u t c a n o e . I n s h a r p c o n t r a s t to Mrs. Blakey,
my t a l e n t e d a n d d e m a n d i n g t h i r d - g r a d e t e a c h e r , w h o s e loose
arm-flesh flapped a r o u n d in c h a o t i c r h y t h m s as s h e w r o t e o n
the b o a r d , Miss Dobzhansky's c h a l k b o a r d a r m was revealed to
b e fine a n d firm, gracefully fitted at t h e s h o u l d e r with a
flame-shaped muscle, w h e n in t h e a f t e r n o o n s she r e m o v e d
h e r sweater a n d d r a p e d it over t h e b a c k of h e r chair.
I d i d n ' t feel lust for her, really. I n fact, t h a t word, lust, is t o o
abstract a n d intransitive a n d p r e a c h e r l y t o a p p l y even n o w to
my feelings for Miss D o b z h a n s k y o r any o t h e r w o m a n . I never
"lust for" o r "after" a w o m a n . I w a n t t o d o specific t h i n g s :
have d i n n e r with, m a k e smile, h o l d h i p s of. I d i d n ' t even, in
25
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h e b e g i n n i n g , i m a g i n e t h a t I w a n t e d to see Miss Dobzhansky

in a state of u n d r e s s . W h a t first m a d e m e w a n t to stop time was
t h a t after C h r i s t m a s b r e a k she c h a n g e d t h e original seating
a r r a n g e m e n t of t h e class. I h a d b e e n in front a n d n o w I was
all t h e way in t h e back. A kid w h o w r o t e words backward sat
at my old desk. I u n d e r s t o o d h e r r e a s o n s , b u t still I was a little
h u r t . A n d I n o t i c e d t h e n t h a t I c o u l d n ' t see t h e c h a l k b o a r d as
well as I h a d .
It was n o t a q u e s t i o n of my b e i n g u n a b l e to r e a d t h e words
o r d e c i p h e r t h e figures. It was merely t h a t I c o u l d n o l o n g e r
tell at a glance, as I h a d b e e n a b l e to in m y f o r m e r seat,
w h e t h e r Miss D o b z h a n s k y was u s i n g a piece of newly b r o k e n
chalk with a s h a r p e d g e t h a t s o m e t i m e s briefly left a faint
s e c o n d parallel line, o r w h e t h e r she was h o l d i n g a m o r e
r o u n d e d p i e c e t h a t she h a d u s e d before. I w a n t e d to know
exactly w h a t was g o i n g o n o n t h e surface of t h e c h a l k b o a r d I
felt I was m i s s i n g o u t o n t h e physical reality of h e r writing, as
o p p o s e d to w h a t it m e a n t . W h e n I was in front, I h a d b e e n
a b l e to m o n i t o r t h e chalky g h o s t of a w o r d she h a d several
times erased; n o w t h a t was almost always impossible. Two
o t h e r kids h a d already g o t t e n glasses, a n d I knew t h a t glasses
w o u l d h e l p m e a little, b u t w h a t I really w a n t e d to d o was to
s t o p t h e w h o l e class, t h e whole school, t h e whole school dis
trict, for a few m i n u t e s w h e n e v e r I n e e d e d to walk u p to the
b o a r d a n d i n s p e c t its surface at very close r a n g e .
My b i g C h r i s t m a s p r e s e n t t h a t year was a figure-eight race
track a n d o n e b l u e a n d o n e b r o w n race car t h a t drove a r o u n d
it a n d occasionally flipped off. I played with it for a week o r
two. T h e p r o b l e m with it was t h a t t h e r e w e r e n ' t e n o u g h seg
m e n t s of track to m a k e a n asymmetrical race-course, a n d I
strongly p r e f e r r e d asymmetry in race-courses. S o o n t h e track
g o t dusty a n d t h e cars b e g a n to halt suddenly w h e n their
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b u s h i n g s lost contact. I p u s h e d it u n d e r my b e d a n d t h o u g h t
instead a b o u t m e a t t h e r m o m e t e r s a n d t o a d s w h o c a n h i b e r
n a t e for years in d r i e d desert m u d .
B u t after Miss D o b z h a n s k y h a d m o v e d m e to t h e b a c k of t h e
class, I woke u p in t h e m i d d l e of t h e n i g h t a n d let m y a r m
d r o p to t h e floor b e t w e e n t h e b e d a n d t h e wall. I was in t h e
h a b i t of d o i n g this fairly often; I did it to p r o v e to myself h o w
n o n c h a l a n t I was, h o w c e r t a i n I was t h a t t h e r e were n o crus
taceans u n d e r t h e b e d . T h i s time, t h o u g h , my h a n d b r u s h e d
against s o m e t h i n g w a r m . It was t h e t r a n s f o r m e r for t h e r a c e
track. It was still p l u g g e d in, still o n , still t r a n s f o r m i n g . I g o t
o u t of b e d a n d p u l l e d t h e track o u t . T h e t r a n s f o r m e r h a d a
r e d faceted light t h a t glowed faintly. It also h a d a c h r o m e
toggle switch. I t u r n e d o n t h e light in m y r o o m , so t h a t I c o u l d
see better, a n d h e l d t h e t r a n s f o r m e r . It was very heavy, with
r o u n d e d c o r n e r s , a n d it h a d a finish t h a t s e e m e d to have b e e n
m a d e by d i p p i n g it in thick black p a i n t a n d t h e n b l a s t i n g it
with h o t air so t h a t t h e p a i n t f o r m e d a t e x t u r e of tiny wrinkles.
It h a d a silver U L label o n t h e u n d e r s i d e . " U n d e r w r i t e r s L a b
o r a t o r i e s " a racy, vaguely u n d e r w e a r i s h n a m e . T h e
hum
t h a t the t r a n s f o r m e r m a d e was a l m o s t i n a u d i b l e . I t o u c h e d
the toggle switch, t h e n flipped it off, a n d s u d d e n l y I knew t h a t
this was t h e m a c h i n e I n e e d e d , a n d t h a t t h e n e x t t i m e I t u r n e d
t h e t r a n s f o r m e r back o n , it w o u l d s t o p everything.
I s m u g g l e d it a n d a n e x t e n s i o n c o r d i n t o class in my l u n c h
box. I did n o t h i n g with it all m o r n i n g . As t h e rest of t h e
s t u d e n t s were l i n i n g u p for l u n c h , w h e n Miss D o b z h a n s k y
stood halfway o u t t h e d o o r , I hastily p l u g g e d t h e e x t e n s i o n
c o r d into t h e o u t l e t u n d e r t h e l o n g table a g a i n s t t h e b a c k wall,
which was only a few feet from m y chair, a n d h i d t h e t r a n s
f o r m e r in my desk. O v e r l u n c h , t h o u g h I was q u i t e keyed u p ,
I gave n o t h i n g away. I casually discussed with m y friend T i m
27
NICHOLSON
BAKER
w h a t it w o u l d b e like to b e a n a g i t a t o r BB ball in a c a n of
g r e e n spray p a i n t , as if it were a n o r d i n a r y day. W e a g r e e d t h a t
it w o u l d b e fun to d i g i n t o t h e p i g m e n t at t h e b o t t o m of t h e
spray c a n a n d t h e n fly u p t h r o u g h t h e pressurized froth a n d
clack a r o u n d b e t t e r p e r h a p s t h a n d e s c e n d i n g in a spherical
s p a c e vehicle i n t o t h e c h e m i c a l storms o n S a t u r n . T i m con
t e n d e d t h a t t h e r e were s o m e t i m e s two a g i t a t o r BBs in a single
c a n of spray p a i n t , a n d I disagreed, a r g u i n g t h a t it only
s o u n d e d as if t h e r e were two w h e n you s h o o k it fast.
I h a d n o t e x p e c t e d a n y o n e to n o t i c e t h e c o r d l e a d i n g i n t o
my desk, since I was in t h e back c o r n e r , a n d n o b o d y in fact
did. I let half a n h o u r go by, w a t c h i n g Miss D o b z h a n s k y dis
cuss a k i n d of slitted sunglasses t h a t t h e Eskimos whittled from
b o n e to avoid snow b l i n d n e s s . S h e b e g a n to write t h e old
spelling of Eskimo, with a q, o n t h e b o a r d in white chalk. My
h a n d s were d e e p in my desk; my fingertips t o u c h e d t h e wrin
kle-finish black p a i n t a n d t h e s m o o t h toggle switch. As she
e m b a r k e d o n t h e letter m, h e r b a c k to t h e class, I flipped t h e
switch. S h e d i d n ' t finish t h e m. S h e a n d t h e class were w i t h o u t
sound or motion.
I said, " H e y . " I said " H e y " again. N o b o d y t u r n e d toward
m e . F a r from b e i n g eerie o r d i s t u r b i n g , t h e silence was, I
f o u n d , q u i t e comfy. T h i s acoustical coziness, which is a con
sistent f e a t u r e of t h e Fold, is t h e result, I think, of t h e relative
sluggishness of t h e air m o l e c u l e s t h a t s u r r o u n d m e . S o u n d
diffuses o u t w a r d only a few feet, as far as I c a n tell. I ' m often
r e m i n d e d of a line in t h e first stanza of Keats's "Eve of St.
A g n e s " : " A n d silent was t h e flock in woolly fold." My Fold is
woolly.
Presently ( " p r e s e n t l y " is right!) I flipped t h e toggle back to
t h e off p o s i t i o n , deactivating t h e m a c h i n e . At o n c e everyone
a n d everything t o o k u p w h e r e they h a d left off. T h e world
28
THE
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e x p a n d e d , s o u n d i n g o n c e a g a i n as if it were r e c o r d e d in
stereo. Miss D o b z h a n s k y finished writing Esquimaux. S h e gave
n o indication t h a t she was aware t h a t a n y t h i n g o u t of t h e
o r d i n a r y h a d j u s t h a p p e n e d ; a n d as far as she was c o n c e r n e d ,
of course, n o t h i n g h a d h a p p e n e d . S h e t u r n e d toward us a n d
b e g a n talking a b o u t a t h i n strip of l a n d t h a t s h e c l a i m e d h a d
o n c e j o i n e d Alaska a n d Asia, over w h i c h tribes h a d traveled,
giving rise n o t only to t h e Eskimo, b u t to t h e A m e r i c a n I n d i
ans of t h e lower states. I m u s t have b e e n l o o k i n g at h e r with
a n expression of u n u s u a l attentiveness, o r even of r a p t u r e ,
b e c a u s e h e r gaze l a n d e d o n m e a n d she smiled. I knew we h a d
a special u n d e r s t a n d i n g . I knew also t h a t she m i g h t b e t h e
m o s t beautiful p e r s o n I w o u l d ever know. I knew t h a t she
knew t h a t I s o m e t i m e s d i d n ' t raise my h a n d to give answers to
t h e questions she asked even w h e n I knew t h e answers, b e
cause I w a n t e d to give h e r t h e o p t i o n of d r a w i n g o u t o t h e r
kids, of calling o n m e only w h e n she n e e d e d to, as a b a c k u p .
H e r e x p l a n a t i o n of t h e waves of Asian m i g r a t i o n s across t h e
B e r i n g Strait i n t e r e s t e d m e , so I let h e r finish before s t o p p i n g
the universe for a s e c o n d t i m e . As s o o n as she t u r n e d t o w a r d
t h e b l a c k b o a r d again, to write Bering, I flipped t h e switch a n d
took off all my clothes.
T h e air is q u i t e close in t h e Fold a n d takes a little g e t t i n g
used to, a l t h o u g h as l o n g as you wave y o u r a r m s a r o u n d every
so often t h e r e is n o real risk of asphyxiation. I was very c o n
scious of my b r e a t h i n g as I walked u p t h e row of desks a n d
chairs, n a k e d , a n d r e a c h e d my lovely t e a c h e r . "Miss D o b
zhansky?" I said, s t a n d i n g right b e h i n d her, t h o u g h I knew
t h a t she c o u l d n ' t h e a r m e . My p l a n , as I h a d conceived it in
a flash w h e n she h a d smiled at m e a m o m e n t before, was to
take off all h e r clothes a n d t h e n sit b a c k d o w n at my desk a n d
click t i m e b a c k o n t h a t is, t u r n t h e t i m e t r a n s f o r m e r off.
29
NICHOLSON
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W h e n she felt t h e c o o l e r air o n h e r skin a n d discovered t h a t

she was entirely n u d e , she w o u l d t u r n toward us, confused a n d
startled, b u t n o t really flustered, since I h a d never seen h e r
flusteredher
serenity a n d ability to adjust to any eventuality
in t h e c l a s s r o o m was a n i m p o r t a n t p a r t of what m a d e h e r so
lovely to m e a n d she w o u l d m e e t this c h a l l e n g e with h e r
u s u a l a p l o m b . S h e w o u l d t u r n toward us with h e r h a n d s
s h i e l d i n g h e r breasts a n d look inquiringly at o u r faces, as if to
say, " H o w , class, h a s this h a p p e n e d ? " H e r eyes w o u l d seek o u t
m i n e , b e c a u s e she knew she c o u l d trust m e to h e l p h e r
t h r o u g h difficult m o m e n t s , a n d I w o u l d look b a c k at h e r with
a n a r d e n t , loving, serious expression. I w o u l d s t a n d a n d s h u s h
a n y o n e w h o d a r e d to snicker at t h e fact t h a t b o t h I a n d Miss
D o b z h a n s k y were c o m p l e t e l y n a k e d , a n d I w o u l d walk u p to
h e r a n d n o d at h e r as if to say, "Everything will b e all right,
Miss D o b z h a n s k y , " a n d collect h e r sweater a n d h e r dress,
w h i c h I w o u l d have left neatly folded o n h e r desk. She would
say, " T h a n k you, A r n o , " in a voice t h a t c o m m u n i c a t e d how
grateful she was t h a t I was in h e r life a n d was able to h e l p h e r
t h r o u g h this m o m e n t . S h e a n d I w o u l d retire to t h e cloak
r o o m for a few m i n u t e s , w h e r e I w o u l d h a n d h e r h e r clothes
o n e by o n e as she got dressed. S h e w o u l d d o t h e s a m e for m e .
W h e n we r e - e m e r g e d , I w o u l d take my seat a n d she would
c o n t i n u e h e r social studies lesson. T h e class, docile with
shock, w o u l d have r e m a i n e d silent t h r o u g h o u r whole ab
sence.
T h a t was my p l a n , b u t I s o o n f o u n d t h a t I h a d to modify it.
Miss D o b z h a n s k y was w e a r i n g h e r navy-blue d r o o p y sweater
a n d a s i m p l e white shirt b u t t o n e d at t h e t o p with a b l u e
e n a m e l S a t u r n p i n covering t h e t o p b u t t o n . T h e sweater was
already u n b u t t o n e d , so I left it a l o n e . B u t w h e n I r e a c h e d u p
to u n d o t h e e n a m e l p i n ( o r " b r o o c h " I guess they a r e called)
30
THE
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I felt t h a t this was n o t s o m e t h i n g I w a n t e d to d o at all. W h a t

if, o n c e I got h e r totally n a k e d , I c h i c k e n e d o u t a n d d i d n ' t
want to p r o c e e d ? W o u l d I b e a b l e to p i n t h e p i n b a c k in p l a c e
precisely as it h a d b e e n ? I w o r r i e d a b o u t possibly b r e a k i n g its
little catch, o r p u t t i n g it o n c r o o k e d . If it w a s n ' t r e p l a c e d
exactly right, she w o u l d sense a s u d d e n slight d i s p l a c e m e n t at
h e r neck w h e n I t u r n e d t h e classroom b a c k o n a n d she w o u l d
suspect s o m e t h i n g , a n d b e c a u s e of my r e c e n t look of r a p t u r e
she m i g h t c o n n e c t m e with h e r o d d sensation, a n d if she asked
m e directly, I d i d n ' t t h i n k I c o u l d lie to h e r a n d tell h e r t h a t
I h a d h a d n o t h i n g to d o with it.
By this t i m e I was s t a n d i n g b e t w e e n h e r a n d t h e b l a c k b o a r d ,
very close to her. H e r breasts were my h o r i z o n line. I d e c i d e d
t h a t I c o u l d at least safely u n d o several of t h e m i d d l e b u t t o n s
of h e r shirt to see w h a t all was u n d e r n e a t h . I n t h e c o t t o n y
silence of t h e idled universe, I u n d i d two b u t t o n s . My
fingers
t r e m b l e d , of course. A n d even now, twenty-five years later, m y

fingers s o m e t i m e s t r e m b l e w h e n I watch t h e m at work u n d o
i n g a row of a w o m a n ' s shirt b u t t o n s , especially w h e n h e r shirt
is loose, so t h a t o n c e you have finished u n b u t t o n i n g it n o
m o r e is revealed to you t h a n w h e n y o u b e g a n , a n d , as a
separate deliberate act, you have to p a r t t h e still-overlapping
sides of t h e shirt with t h e backs of y o u r h a n d s like a set of
curtains. I p e e r e d i n t o t h e oval world I h a d j u s t c r e a t e d . W h a t
I could see of h e r b r a was very interesting. It h a d little X's
sewn a l o n g t h e b o r d e r s of t h e two side-pieces t h a t a t t a c h e d t o
the r o u n d b o s o m - h o l d i n g p a r t s , a n d t h e b o s o m - h o l d i n g p a r t s
h a d perfectly sewn seams r u n n i n g d i a g o n a l l y u p over t h e i r
curves, like a n a p p i n g cat's closed eyes. I r e a c h e d u p a n d
p u s h e d gently o n o n e of h e r b o s o m s with t h e p a l m of m y
h a n d . (I called t h e m " b o s o m s " t h e n , a n d really it isn't s u c h a
b a d word for t h e m . ) T h e s h a p e was u n e x p e c t e d l y soft a n d
31
NICHOLSON
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q u i t e w a r m . I u n b u t t o n e d a n o t h e r lower b u t t o n so t h a t I
c o u l d n o w comfortably s u r r o u n d my whole h e a d with h e r
shirt. H e r skin glowed in t h e shadowy cloth-diffused light. I
felt like a d a g u e r r e o t y p i s t , c r o u c h i n g a n d covering my h e a d
with a c a m e r a c l o t h to see m y subject m o r e completely. I saw
h e r s t o m a c h , w h i c h was extensive at this close r a n g e . I n t h e
m i d d l e of it was h e r belly-button.
T h i s I h a d n ' t r e c k o n e d o n . It was t h e b i g m o m e n t . I h a d
never seen a n y t h i n g so womanly, so g r o w n - u p - l o o k i n g , at
s u c h close r a n g e , in m y life. Miss Dobzhansky's belly-button
did n o t look like a child's belly-button at all. T h e r e was a sort
of s t r e t c h e d p r o s c e n i u m of skin over t h e t o p , a bell curve,
similar in a way to t h e e p i c a n t h i c eye-fold o n Asian p e o p l e
(like E s q u i m a u x ) , w h e r e a s t h e slope below led t h e eye
right
i n t o a little private s a n c t u m elegantly c u p p i n g s o m e t h i n g t h a t

l o o k e d like a tiny p i e c e of u s e d c h e w i n g g u m o r t h e k n o t t e d
p a r t of a b a l l o o n . W h a t was impressive was simply h o w wise
a n d e x p e r i e n c e d it looked, h o w p r o f o u n d l y oval it was. I
passed m y knuckles lightly over it, awestruck. T h e n I e m e r g e d
from h e r shirt for a s e c o n d to get a r o u n d e d piece of b l u e
chalk, w h i c h I gently twirled in it, as if I were c h a l k i n g u p a
p o o l stick, e x c e p t t h e o t h e r way a r o u n d . I left only t h e m o s t
i m p e r c e p t i b l y small trace of chalk dust, b r u s h i n g t h e excess
away. F e e l i n g by t h e n t h a t I h a d h a d m o r e t h a n e n o u g h for
o n e a f t e r n o o n , I b u t t o n e d h e r shirt b a c k u p . As a n after
t h o u g h t , I r e p l a c e d t h e white piece of chalk t h a t she was
h o l d i n g as s h e w r o t e t h e w o r d Bering with t h e p i e c e of b l u e
chalk t h a t I h a d u s e d o n her. T h e n I went b a c k to my seat, p u t
m y clothes b a c k o n , a r r a n g e d myself so t h a t I was sitting
exactly as I h a d b e e n , a n d t u r n e d t h e t i m e t r a n s f o r m e r off. Its
c h r o m e switch was a l m o s t painfully h o t to t h e t o u c h .
T h e class c a m e alive. T h e b l u e chalk b r o k e p e r h a p s I
h a d n ' t p u t it in h e r fingers properly. Miss D o b z h a n s k y looked
32
THE
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at it for a second, puzzled, a n d t h e n she picked u p a p i e c e of

white chalk a n d went o n writing. " O n c e these tribes got to
Alaska, they h a d to d e c i d e w h e t h e r to settle t h e r e o r k e e p
g o i n g . . . " she said, a n d she c o n t i n u e d t h e lesson. T h e r e was
a faint smell of s o m e t h i n g b u r n i n g . I t u g g e d surreptitiously
o n the e x t e n s i o n c o r d u n t i l its p l u g d r o p p e d o u t of t h e wall
socket; I drew it little by little i n t o my desk. I n o t i c e d , g l a n c i n g
down casually as if to p u l l m y c h a i r u p , t h a t t h e b l a d e s of t h e
p l u g were a dull c a r b o n black.
A n d t h a t was exactly h o w it w e n t t h e first day. N o t h i n g b a d
h a p p e n e d . All w e n t well. I left t h e t r a n s f o r m e r in my desk
overnight, a n d I tried it a g a i n t h e following m o r n i n g , with b i g
plans, b u t u n f o r t u n a t e l y this time, as s o o n as I flipped t h e
switch, t h e fluorescent lights in t h e ceiling fluttered a n d w e n t
o u t . T h e r e was a n even s t r o n g e r smell of b u r n i n g . Miss D o b
zhansky sent for t h e c u s t o d i a n . T i m e flowed o n w i t h o u t inter
r u p t i o n . After school, I carried t h e r u i n e d t r a n s f o r m e r h o m e
in my l u n c h box. It was totally wrecked. T h e r e d j e w e l e d light
was partially m e l t e d , a n d t h e r e were whitish h e a t
marks
a r o u n d t h e lower e d g e of t h e u n i t . J u s t to b e sure, I p l u g g e d
it in in my r o o m o n e last t i m e after d i n n e r a n d flipped t h e
switch, b u t I got n o r e s p o n s e . T h e cat c o n t i n u e d to lick b e
tween t h e p a d s of h e r paws. T h e traffic lights at t h e c o r n e r
colored s e g m e n t s of t h e b i g d o u b l e icicle o u t s i d e m y w i n d o w
red, t h e n green, t h e n o r a n g e . It was over. I h a d only b e e n a b l e
to p a u s e t h e universe twice, for a total of m a y b e six m i n u t e s .
O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , even six timeless m i n u t e s was pretty
good. I adjusted r e m a r k a b l y quickly to t h e idea t h a t I h a d seen
as m u c h of Miss D o b z h a n s k y as I was p r o b a b l y ever g o i n g to
see. My n e x t task, to w h i c h I d e v o t e d t h e e n s u i n g s p r i n g a n d
s u m m e r m o n t h s , was to d e v e l o p a n a l t e r n a t e , n o n - e l e c t r i c a l
way into t h e Fold. I e x p l o r e d a n u m b e r of e x p e r i m e n t a l possi
bilities, c o u r t i n g t h e u n n a t u r a l . I sprayed s o m e n e w m o c k 33
NICHOLSON
BAKER
o r a n g e leaves with g r e e n spray p a i n t to see w h e t h e r they

w o u l d b e c o m e p e r m a n e n t fakes, since I h a d always f o u n d t h e
n o t i o n of b r o n z e d b a b y shoes mysterious a n d suggestive. I
grafted a very fast-growing thistle to o u r m a g n o l i a tree, wrap
p i n g t h e c o n j o i n e d w o u n d s with heavy-duty t h r e a d , theoriz
i n g t h a t t h e m i n g l i n g of i n c o m p a t i b l e growth
hormones
m i g h t have c h r o n o a c t i v e effects. I h e a t e d six m a r b l e s o n a

b a k i n g s h e e t in a slow oven a n d t h e n s p o o n e d t h e m o n e by
o n e i n t o a glass of ice water which I h e l d q u i t e close to my eye.
I n t o t h e glass I h a d first p l a c e d a fossil c r i n o i d a n d a snip of
my fingernail. (Now t h a t I t h i n k of it, t h e s o u n d of my exgirlfriend R h o d y u s i n g a fingernail t r i m m e r in t h e m o r n i n g in
t h e b a t h r o o m , t h e e x t r e m e l y brief a n d h i g h - p i t c h e d c h i r p i n g
s o u n d of t h e s m i l i n g s n i p p e r b l a d e s m e e t i n g after they h a d
s n a p p e d t h r o u g h h e r nail, which I listened to in b e d as s o m e
listen to r e a l b i r d s o n g , is o n e of t h e m o s t satisfying m e m o r i e s
t h a t I possess of t h a t r e l a t i o n s h i p . ) I fully e x p e c t e d time to
s t o p at t h e m o m e n t t h e i n t e r i o r of e a c h hissing m a r b l e sud
denly c r a z e d itself with decorative cracks, b u t it d i d n ' t . I used
t h e b u t a n e t o r c h m y f a t h e r h a d b o u g h t for a refinishing p r o
j e c t to h e a t a n o t c h e d stainless-steel serving s p o o n until it
t u r n e d a d e e p o r a n g e . T h o u g h it looked soft a n d slightly
swollen, its e d g e s r o u n d e d like t h e e d g e s of a stick of b u t t e r ,
I c o u l d n o t get t h e s p o o n to melt. T h e n I p u t a small oval
p e b b l e in t h e s a m e s p o o n a n d played t h e t o r c h flame over it,
h o p i n g for s o m e lava. T h e p e b b l e e x p l o d e d with a s n a p ,
s e n d i n g a s t i n g i n g f r a g m e n t of rock i n t o my T-shirt. All of
t h e s e e x p e r i m e n t s , a n d m a n y o t h e r s I p e r f o r m e d d u r i n g that
p e r i o d , were inconclusive a n d , frankly, d i s a p p o i n t i n g .
It
w a s n ' t u n t i l t h e s u m m e r after fifth g r a d e t h a t I was o n c e again

a b l e to D r o p in, with t h e h e l p of o u r b a s e m e n t w a s h i n g ma
chine and some thread.
34
M
JL.
- A . A N Y TEMPS D O N T LIKE D O I N G TAPES; I D O .
NATURALLY
I like t r a n s c r i b i n g s o m e tapes b e t t e r t h a n o t h e r s . I n t h e early

eighties I worked in t h e office of t h e h e a d of a b i g c o m p a n y
well, why s h o u l d I s u p p r e s s t h e n a m e ? i n t h e office of A n
drew Fleury, t h e h e a d of N o p t i c a . H e h a d a t h r e e - p e r s o n W P
staff w h o did n o t h i n g b u t type his gigantic o u t p u t of c o r r e
s p o n d e n c e , speeches, interviews, Q - a n d - A sessions at stock
h o l d e r m e e t i n g s , a n d so o n . I t h i n k h e m u s t have h a d political
a m b i t i o n s even t h e n . I w o r k e d t h e r e several times. O n e l o n g
t a p e of his t h a t I d i d i n c l u d e d a letter o r d e r i n g a case of s o m e
r a r e sort of A r m a g n a c from a local l i q u o r wholesaler. (It was
a p e r s o n a l letter, let m e say.) I d i d n ' t k n o w w h a t A r m a g n a c
35
NICHOLSON
BAKER
was, a n d , guessing, I typed Armaniac. Discovering this, Fleury

flew i n t o a r a g e . I h e a r d h i m laying i n t o o n e of t h e two
co-office m a n a g e r s " P a u l a , tell m e w h a t is w r o n g with this
p a r a g r a p h ! " T h e letter was r e t u r n e d to m e with t h e following
m a r g i n a l s c h o l i u m : " A n alcoholic beverage, n o t a crazy Ar
m e n i a n ! ! D o n ' t guess, look it u p ! ! " Well, m a y b e h e was
rightI
s h o u l d have l o o k e d it u p . B u t o n c e Fleury c a u g h t t h e
error, h e c o u l d have at least passed o n t h e fact t h a t t h e word

h a d a g in it. I lost five m i n u t e s flipping a r o u n d in a dictio
nary. Most of t h e time, t h o u g h , salaried p e o p l e e x p e c t so little
from t e m p s t h a t any slight awareness of a letter o r m e m o ' s
c o n t e x t o r i n t e n t fills t h e m with joy, a n d they are as a result
very easy to w o r k for.
B u t why is it t h a t I so like t y p i n g tapes? I've seen wordp r o c e s s i n g o p e r a t o r s t h r o w t h e i r h e a d s e t s d o w n after several
h o u r s of t r a n s c r i b i n g , s h o u t i n g , " I h a t e d o i n g this!" Yet I even
liked t y p i n g Fleury's tapes. F o r o n e t h i n g , I like t h a t I ' m fairly
g o o d at itI c a n , for i n s t a n c e , often e n g a g e in a little parallel
p r o c e s s i n g , t y p i n g t h e s e n t e n c e t h a t j u s t passed while listen
i n g to a n d s t o r i n g t h e p h r a s e t h a t I ' m currently h e a r i n g : I
enjoy s e e i n g h o w l o n g I c a n g o w i t h o u t r e s o r t i n g to t h e rewind
half of t h e f o o t - p e d a l . B u t mainly I prefer d o i n g tapes to
t y p i n g h a n d w r i t t e n d o c u m e n t s simply b e c a u s e you c a n h e a r
t h e d i c t a t o r t h i n k i n g . Y o u c a n h e a r h i m g r o p i n g for t h e con
v e n t i o n a l f o r m u l a t h a t will cover a slightly u n u s u a l case. You
c a n occasionally h e a r u n d e r t o n e s of irritation o r affection. It
is a g r e a t privilege to b e p r e s e n t w h e n a p e r s o n slowly p u t s his
t h o u g h t s i n t o words, p h r a s e by p h r a s e , d o i n g t h e best h e can.
B e c a u s e you a r e traveling right a l o n g with h i m as h e forms his
sentences, m a k i n g e a c h w o r d h e says a p p e a r as a little c l u m p
of letters o n y o u r screen, you b e g i n to feel as if you are d o i n g
t h e t h i n k i n g yourself; you o c c u p y s o m e d a r k space in the
i n t e r i o r of his m i n d as h e goes a b o u t his j o b .
36
THE
FERMATA
It isn't difficult to i m a g i n e a n erotic aspect to all this. S a n d i ,

a t e m p I discussed t h e subject with a year a g o o r so, told m e
she o n c e d e v e l o p e d a n i n t e n s e t h i n g for a m a n she t r a n
scribed for. H e was in p e r s o n n e l , a n d his j o b was to advise
employees a n d r e t i r e d e m p l o y e e s o n t h e best way to h a n d l e
their p e n s i o n s . H e talked very slowly, she said, in a n a l m o s t
d r e a m y b u t l o u d low voice, with l o n g b o l d p a u s e s . S h e said h e
s o u n d e d a little like David Bowie in " C h i n a Girl." H e very
seldom r e s o r t e d to t h e p a u s e switch o n his m a c h i n e ; h e j u s t
let the t a p e r u n . A n d h e talked a g r e a t d e a l in his letters a b o u t
" i n v a d i n g t h e a n n u i t y . " "If y o u r h u s b a n d p r e d e c e a s e s you,
Mrs. P l o c h m a n , " h e w o u l d say in a letter, " a n d you elect to
invade t h e a n n u i t y . . ." "If, o n t h e o t h e r h a n d , you b o t h
invade t h e a n n u i t y n o w . . . " So often r e p e a t e d , this p a r t i c u l a r
actuarial i d i o m b e g a n , as a result, to take o n a special m e a n
i n g for her. As she typed it, it was as if she were h a n d l i n g
what h e was saying, c o n s e n t i n g to it, l e t t i n g it r u n scarf-like
t h r o u g h h e r fingers. "Please d o , " she felt she was w h i s p e r i n g
back to h i m by typing exactly w h a t h e spoke i n t o h e r h e a d s e t ,
"please d o invade m y a n n u i t y . " T h e y never did a n y t h i n g sex
ual, t h o u g h .
I n my own case, I often get t h o r o u g h l y h y p n o t i z e d by t h e
tapes of w o m e n dictators. W o m e n litigators, especially: w h e n
they say things like " A l t h o u g h t h e r e a r e n o h o r n b o o k r u l e s , "
my b r e a t h i n g elevates. A n d I already m e n t i o n e d t h e s t r a n g e
thrill I felt w h e n I h e a r d in a credit u p d a t e J o y c e q u o t e s o m e
o n e as saying t h a t s o m e o n e else "lied like h e l l . " G e r a r d M a n ley H o p k i n s s o m e w h e r e describes h o w h e m e s m e r i z e d a d u c k
by drawing a line of c h a l k o u t in front of it. T h i n k of m e as t h e
duck; t h e chalk, softly w e a r i n g itself away against t h e tiny
p e b b l e s e m b e d d e d in t h e c o r p o r a t e c o n c r e t e , is J o y c e ' s for
w a r d - l u r i n g r o u g h - s m o o t h voice o n t h e cassettes she gives m e .
Or, to substitute a n o t h e r i m a g e , since o n e is h a r d l y sufficient
37
NICHOLSON
BAKER
in J o y c e ' s case, w h e n I let myself really e n t e r h e r t a p e , w h e n

I let it s u r r o u n d m e , it is as if I ' m s u n k i n t o t h e p o n d of what
she is saying, as if I ' m s o m e k i n d of p a t i e n t , cruising a m p h i b
ian, drifting in black water, entirely s u b m e r g e d e x c e p t for my
eyes, which blink every so often. E a c h w o r d c o m e s floating u p
to m e like a thick, h e a l t h y lily p a d a n d b r u s h e s past my h e a d .
A n d s o m e t i m e s , especially if J o y c e kindly lets m e h e a r h e r
hesitate ( r a t h e r t h a n clicking h e r r e c o r d e r off to h i d e t h e
l e n g t h of h e r hesitation, I m e a n ) , t h e stretch of black still
w a t e r b e t w e e n t h e i n t e r m i t t e n t g r e e n floating w o r d s c a n m o
m e n t a r i l y e x p a n d i n t o infinitude. All t h e lily p a d s withdraw
themselves from m e . At t h o s e times I b e c o m e a m a z e d by t h e
p o w e r I have: t h e p o w e r to lift my foot off t h e t r a n s c r i b e r
p e d a l at will a n d h a l t t h a t s e n t e n c e of h e r s right there for as
l o n g as I w a n t in o r d e r to t h i n k a b o u t j u s t w h e r e I a m in it,
a n d a b o u t w h a t it c a n m e a n t h a t this living, feeling c r e a t u r e
is s p e n d i n g five days a week saying s u c h things into a t a p e
r e c o r d e r , a n d a b o u t w h a t h e r m o u t h looks like as she says
t h e m . I p a u s e within h e r p a u s e a n d float in t h e sensoryd e p r i v e d l a g o o n of h e r s u s p e n d e d m e a n i n g . W h a t is espe
cially nice, in this state of " d e e p t r a n s c r i p t i o n , " as I call it, is
to look u p a n d discover t h a t cheerful, u n m y s t e r i o u s Joyce
herself is walking briskly s o m e w h e r e , p e r h a p s toward my desk,
wiggling a p e n in h e r fingers.
So t h e r e is, w i t h o u t a d o u b t , a s t r o n g c h r o n a n i s t i c e l e m e n t
to m y d o i n g of tapes. It m a y even b e t h a t if I h a d n ' t s p e n t so
large a p o r t i o n o f t h e last t e n years of my life t r a n s c r i b i n g
words, s t a r t i n g a n d s t o p p i n g so m a n y t h o u s a n d s a n d t h o u
s a n d s of m o d e s t h u m a n sentences-in-progress with my footp e d a l , I w o u l d have l o n g a g o lost t h e ability to d r o p i n t o t h e
Fold a l t o g e t h e r . T h e daily r e g i m e n of microcassettes has k e p t
m e u n u s u a l l y sensitive, p e r h a p s , to t h e editability of t h e tem38
THE
FERMATA
p o r a l c o n t i n u u m t o t h e fact t h a t a n a p p a r e n t l y seamless
vocalization may actually elide, glide over, h i d e w h o l e selfc o n t a i n e d vugs of h i d d e n activity o r d i s t r a c t i o n s n e e z e s ,
expletives, spilled coffee, sexual a d v e n t u r e s w i t h i n .
"The
m i n d is a lyric cry in t h e m i d s t of b u s i n e s s , " says G e o r g e

Santayana, whose a u t o b i o g r a p h y ( v o l u m e o n e ) I got o u t of
the Boston Public Library yesterday; a n d it o c c u r s to m e t h a t
this a p h o r i s m illuminates t h e p e c u l i a r suggestiveness of t h e
microcassette, a n d of all audiocassettes, in fact: t h e s e stocky,
solid, p a r a g r a p h - s h a p e d m a t e r i a l objects, h e l d t o g e t h e r with
m i n u s c u l e Phillips-head screws at e a c h c o r n e r ( t h e screws a r e
smaller, incidentally, t h a n t h e screws in t h e h i n g e s of my
glasses, so small t h a t only SCARA r o b o t s c o u l d have twirled
t h e m in place in s u c h q u a n t i t y ) , with t h e i r p a i r of u n f i x e d
c e n t e r sprockets left deliberately loose so t h a t they c a n c o m p l y
with slight variations in t h e s p i n d l e distances of different
b r a n d s of m a c h i n e t h e s e c h u n k y pieces of g e o m e t r i c a l busi
ness within which, n o n e t h e l e s s , a n elfin wisp of Mylar frisks
a r o u n d any tiny struts o r blocks of felt p l a c e d in its p a t h ,
m i n n o w i n g t h e f e r r o m a g n e t i c after-sparkle of a voiced p e r
sonality t h r o u g h whatever B a r o q u e d i a g o n a l s a n d Bezier
curves it c a n c o n t o r t from t h e givens of its p r i s o n .
This said, t h e s u r p r i s i n g t h i n g really is h o w little luck I have
h a d u s i n g t h e foot-pedal of my t a p e - t r a n s c r i p t i o n m a c h i n e to
trigger a t r u e D r o p . I have t h u s far b e e n u n a b l e to s t o p t h e
universe u s i n g it, o r u s i n g t h e r e m o t e - c o n t r o l
PAUSE
b u t t o n s of
VCRs o r C D players, w h i c h w o u l d s e e m o b v i o u s a c t u a t o r s . I
h a d , as I m e n t i o n e d , only a brief success in college with a
g a r a g e - d o o r o p e n e r . It m a y b e t h a t to e n g a g e t i m e effectively
a n d stop it cold, a m e c h a n i s m h a s t o have s o m e quality t h a t
links it uniquely with m e , with m y o w n e m o t i o n a l life, w h i c h
is why, for e x a m p l e , t h e toggle-switch t r a n s f o r m e r for m y
39
NICHOLSON
BAKER
race-track only w o r k e d as a c h r o n o c l u t c h after my fallen h a n d

b r u s h e d against it, discovering its w a r m t h , in t h e m i d d l e of
t h e n i g h t . T h i s c o u l d also e x p l a i n why t h e g e n e r a l t r e n d in my
F o l d - a c t u a t o r s , with a few i m p o r t a n t e x c e p t i o n s , has b e e n
away from h a r d w a r e a n d toward simpler, purely bodily spurs
like a finger-snap o r t h e p u s h i n g u p of my glasses o n my nose.
T h e m o s t e l a b o r a t e p i e c e of f e r m a t i o n a l e q u i p m e n t I ever
d e v e l o p e d was a c u s t o m - m a d e piece of m a c h i n e r y I called a
S o l o n o i d (with t h r e e o's). I h a d it b u i l t for m e by a n M I T
u n d e r g r a d u a t e f o u r o r five years a g o . I still have it, t h o u g h it
s t o p p e d w o r k i n g after a week of F o l d - h o u r s . It is very bulky
a n d it m a d e a l o u d chuffing noise w h e n it was idling, a l t h o u g h
I ' m s u r e it c o u l d b e m i n i a t u r i z e d a n d r e d e s i g n e d for quiet
ness. All it d i d was stretch a n d u n s t r e t c h t h r e e r u b b e r b a n d s
o r i e n t e d in t h e x, y, a n d z directions. I was able to t u n e the
oscillatory frequency of e a c h r u b b e r b a n d by p u s h i n g a r h e o
stat o n a small m i x i n g b o a r d . I h a d it b u i l t simply b e c a u s e I
knew o n e m o r n i n g , j u s t after I awoke, after m a n y dry Foldfree m o n t h s , t h a t this d e s i g n w o u l d work. My u n c l e l o a n e d m e
fifteen h u n d r e d dollars (I told h i m t h a t it was to take several
m o n t h s off from t e m p i n g a n d see if I c o u l d get interested in
m y m a s t e r ' s thesis a g a i n ) , a n d I p u t a n a d in t h e M I T s t u d e n t
n e w s p a p e r a n d interviewed a n u m b e r of students. I chose t h e
sole w o m a n r e s p o n d e n t , naturally.
S h e u s e d t h r e e small m o t o r s . I told h e r t h a t I was a post-doc
in p h i l o s o p h y w o r k i n g o n a m o n o g r a p h a b o u t a turn-of-thec e n t u r y A m e r i c a n m e t a p h y s i c i a n n a m e d Matthias Batchelder,
w h o h a d p o s t u l a t e d t h a t t h r e e I n d i a - r u b b e r b a n d s , w h e n al
ternately s t r e t c h e d a n d slackened at a p a r t i c u l a r frequency in
t h e t h r e e C a r t e s i a n p l a n e s , w o u l d insert null p l a c e h o l d e r s
i n t o t h e s t r e a m of B e c o m i n g , effectively p a u s i n g t h e universe
for all b u t t h e o p e r a t o r of t h e m e c h a n i s m . T h o u g h Batch40
THE
FERMATA
elder h a d written to G. E. M o o r e , C. S. Pierce, a n d A. A.

Michelson a b o u t his ideas, I said ( s c r a m b l i n g for plausibility),
n o b o d y h a d e x h i b i t e d t h e slightest interest, partly b e c a u s e h e
lacked institutional affiliation, a n d partly b e c a u s e h e h a d a n
off-puttingly c o n t e n t i o u s p e r s o n a l m a n n e r . (I s h o u l d stress
t h a t t h e r e was n o m e t a p h y s i c i a n by t h e n a m e of B a t c h e l d e r
t h e r o u g h design for t h e m a c h i n e h a d simply c o m e to m e o n e
m o r n i n g b u t for t h e sake of secrecy I n e e d e d to d i s t a n c e
myself from it. I "lied like h e l l " to this y o u n g m e c h a n i c a l
e n g i n e e r I h a d to, I ' m sorry.) S h e I ' m a s h a m e d to say t h a t
I've f o r g o t t e n h e r n a m e b u i l t t h e m a c h i n e in s h o r t o r d e r ,
a n d she did a very nice j o b of e x p l a i n i n g its finer p o i n t s to m e ,
t h o u g h I have f o r g o t t e n t h e m . T o k e e p costs d o w n , she was
kind e n o u g h to u s e " t a k e o u t " p a r t s o r d e r e d t h r o u g h t h e J e r ryco c a t a l o g t h a t is, m o t o r s r e m o v e d from u s e d e q u i p m e n t ,
copiers a n d such. "Well, I g o t it to d o w h a t y o u said you
w a n t e d it to d o , " she said, in h e r serious way, as we s t o o d in
o n e of t h e m e c h a n i c a l - e n g i n e e r i n g labs (she was g e t t i n g
course credit for this project, it t u r n e d o u t , a l t h o u g h she h a d
h i d d e n t h a t fact from m e ) , " b u t I've played with t h e f r e q u e n
cies a n d I c a n ' t get it to d o a n y t h i n g . T h e r u b b e r b a n d s look
kind of n e a t w h e n they really get g o i n g , t h o u g h . "
I sat d o w n in front of it. It was ludicrously bulky, definitely
n o t p o r t a b l e . "You m e a n it d o e s n ' t p a u s e t h e u n i v e r s e ? " I
said, c h u c k l i n g with m o c k incredulity to i n d i c a t e t h a t I knew
full well t h a t B a t c h e l d e r ' s ideas were a crock, a n d t h a t I h a d
g o n e t h r o u g h this w h o l e exercise only o u t of kindness, m e r e l y
to give this f o r g o t t e n eccentric a b e l a t e d c h a n c e to p r o v e
himself. "Well, I s u p p o s e I s h o u l d try it myself anyway, for t h e
old m a n ' s sake," I said. S h e p o i n t e d o u t t h e o n / o f f switch,
which I threw; I t o o k a m o m e n t to adjust t h e s t r e t c h i n g fre
quencies. ( T h e r u b b e r b a n d s were c h o s e n by m e at r a n d o m
41
NICHOLSON
BAKER
from a forty-nine-cent b a g of Alliance r u b b e r b a n d s ,

T O SAY M A D E IN
USA.)
PROUD
As s o o n as I got t h e ratios r i g h t (by e a r ) ,
t h e lab, t h e w o m a n , C a m b r i d g e , a n d everything else, with t h e

e x c e p t i o n of m e a n d t h e j o u n c i n g Solonoid, p r o m p t l y went
i n t o s u s p e n s i o n . I crawled b e h i n d t h e e n g i n e e r a n d kissed the
beautifully defined H s h a p e s at t h e back of h e r thick knees,
w h i c h are often t h e best feature o n college w o m e n (she wore
a j e a n skirt), a n d t h e n t o o k my p l a c e at t h e controls a g a i n a n d
c u t t h e p o w e r to t h e S o l o n o i d .
" S e e ? " she said. " N o t h i n g . " W e s h o o k o u r h e a d s sadly,
pitying p o o r d e l u d e d M a t t h i a s Batchelder, a n d I wrote h e r
o u t a c h e c k for t h e full fifteen h u n d r e d a n d t h a n k e d her. (I
k e e p m y c a n c e l e d checks; I m u s t r e m e m b e r to go b a c k a n d
find o u t this y o u n g w o m a n ' s n a m e . ) She asked if she c o u l d
possibly have a c o p y of s o m e of B a t c h e l d e r ' s metaphysical
writings, a n d I told h e r t h a t for estate r e a s o n s I wasn't allowed
to give a n y t h i n g o u t , b u t t h a t I w o u l d definitely send h e r a
r e p r i n t of my m o n o g r a p h w h e n it a p p e a r e d . T h a t satisfied
h e r . A n d for a few weeks after that, u n t i l my supply from t h a t
first b a g of b a n d s r a n o u t , I was able to d o a fair n u m b e r of
intricately filthy Foldy things. T h e nice u n f o r e s e e n quality of
t h a t m a c h i n e , n o w t h a t I t h i n k of it, was t h a t it h a d a h i g h
d e g r e e of risk associated with it, since a r u b b e r b a n d c o u l d
s n a p suddenly, w i t h o u t w a r n i n g , c a u s i n g t i m e to r e s u m e a n d
potentially e x p o s i n g m e at a very awkward m o m e n t t h e sexi n - p u b l i c - p l a c e s risk. B u t I was careful. Eventually I i n c o r p o
r a t e d s o m e r e d u n d a n c y i n t o t h e design by s t r e t c h i n g two
r u b b e r b a n d s in e a c h d i r e c t i o n r a t h e r t h a n o n e , even t h o u g h
it m e a n t I r a n o u t quicker.
T h i s p r o b l e m of r e m e m b e r i n g n a m e s , which j u s t c a m e u p
in c o n n e c t i o n with t h e M I T w o m a n , is a particularly a c u t e o n e
for t h e c a r e e r t e m p . I m a y work as m a n y as forty different
42
THE
FERMATA
assignments in a given y e a r s o m e for a week o r two, s o m e for

a few days. At e a c h a s s i g n m e n t , t h e r e are typically t h r e e to five
n a m e s to learn t h e first day ( a n d occasionally m a n y m o r e ) ;
ten o r m o r e t h e s e c o n d day. D e p e n d i n g o n h o w heavy t h e
p h o n e action is, t h e n u m b e r of n a m e s I e n d u p finally m a s t e r
i n g p e r j o b c a n go considerably over o n e h u n d r e d . P e r year,
I a m b e i n g e x p o s e d to r o u g h l y t h r e e t h o u s a n d n a m e s , of
which (scaling b a c k again) p e r h a p s five h u n d r e d b e l o n g to
individuals I get to know a little, talk to, w o r k fairly closely
with. O v e r t e n years, t h a t m a k e s five t h o u s a n d personalities,
a b o u t e a c h o n e of w h o m I m u s t d e v e l o p a little p a c k e t of
e m o t i o n , a liking, a disliking, a t h e o r y a b o u t t h e i r feelings for
s o m e colleague, a m e n t a l n o t e a b o u t t h e i r taste in clothes, a
m e m o r y of h o w they like t h i n g s d o n e , w h e t h e r they a r e of t h e
o p i n i o n t h a t state n a m e s o u g h t to b e spelled o u t in full o r
given t h e two-letter abbreviation, w h e t h e r they like t h e d o c u
m e n t n a m e o r n u m b e r i n c l u d e d o n t h e letter o r t h i n k t h a t this
is a vulgarity, w h e t h e r they w a n t m e to a m u s e myself w h e n I've
c a u g h t u p with my work o r p r e f e r t h a t I c o m e b o u n d i n g i n t o
their office asking for m o r e to d o . I n college I was i m p r e s s e d
by how well s o m e very p o p u l a r professors k e p t u p with t h e
particulars of t h e i r s t u d e n t s ' livesbut t h e fact is t h a t I m a s t e r
j u s t as m u c h raw h u m a n i t y e a c h year as t h e m o s t h o t s h o t
celebrity professor. A n d t h e difference is t h a t in m y lowly case,
all these p e o p l e , o r m o s t of t h e m , c o n t i n u e to work d o w n
town, j u s t as I d o . T h e y a r e n ' t g o i n g to g r a d u a t e a n d go away.
W h a t this m e a n s , practically s p e a k i n g , is t h a t every few days
I will almost certainly r u n i n t o s o m e o n e with w h o m I have
worked closely at s o m e c o m p a n y at s o m e t i m e in t h e past. A n d
I will want so m u c h to r e m e m b e r his o r h e r n a m e ! T h e y
usually r e m e m b e r my n a m e , a n d in s o m e cases I c a n d e t e c t a
faint h u r t look in t h e i r eyes w h e n they perceive, t h r o u g h m y
43
NICHOLSON
BAKER
j o s h i n g a n d bluster, t h a t I d o n ' t r e m e m b e r theirs, since to

g e t h e r we d i d work very h a r d a n d b e a t impossible deadlines
a n d j o k e a r o u n d only six m o n t h s a g o , o r a year a n d a half ago,
o r five years a g o . A n d t h e y a n d I b o t h secretly thinkthey
were h i g h e r - r a n k i n g t h a n I was, they were salaried, I was a
t e m p , so it is a d u t y in k e e p i n g with my s u b o r d i n a t e station to
r e m e m b e r t h e i r n a m e s , while it is only noblesse oblige for
t h e m to r e m e m b e r m i n e .
Yet if they t o o k a m o m e n t to d o t h e a r i t h m e t i c of my work
life versus t h e i r work life, as I have, they w o u l d p e r h a p s u n d e r
s t a n d a n d absolve, for they see t h e s a m e p e o p l e every day,
t h e i r universe of clients a n d c o n t a c t s a n d colleagues is rela
tively c o n f i n e d a n d stable, so t h a t a new t e m p like m e in their
office is a novelty, a t o p i c of conversation, a p e r s o n to w h o m
they c a n "give a l e g u p , " a n o u t s i d e r in w h o m they c a n con
fide h a t r e d s a n d o l d w o u n d s . I stick in t h e i r m i n d b e c a u s e they
a r e p l e a s e d t h a t they were a b l e to p u t aside class differences
a n d t r e a t m e as a n e q u a l . " A r n o , hi!" A n d t h e r e I a m , stand
i n g in front of P a r k Street Station, u n a b l e to r e c i p r o c a t e
p r o p e r l y , feeling like a waiter asked to r e m e m b e r a n o r d e r
from a t a b l e h e served m o n t h s before.
T h e n a m e p r o b l e m is c o m p o u n d e d by t h e fact t h a t t h e r e is
a p p a r e n t l y s o m e vulnerability in my c o u n t e n a n c e t h a t signals
to lost p e o p l e t h a t I s h o u l d b e a p p r o a c h e d for directions. I
have g o t t e n g o o d at s e n s i n g t h e lost n o w as they look over a
crowdlet of p o t e n t i a l h e l p at a s t o p sign: they s p o t m e , a n d
t h o u g h I ' m w e a r i n g a tie like t h e o t h e r m e n , they seem to
smell t h a t I ' m a t e m p a n d m u s t t h e r e f o r e b e p e r m a n e n t l y
lonely a n d lowly, a sick c a r i b o u t h a t t h e wolf singles o u t for
a t t e n t i o n ; they know t h a t they will feel at ease with m e a b o u t
a d m i t t i n g to b e i n g a s t r a n g e r b e c a u s e I a m g o i n g to welcome
any h u m a n c o n t a c t , any i n d i c a t i o n t h a t I ' m established a n d
44
THE
FERMATA
n o t transient. I go t h r o u g h p e r i o d s w h e n I a m asked t h r e e
times a day for directions. A n d these lost p e o p l e a r e
rightI
d o like b e i n g i n t e r r u p t e d o n t h e street, especially by w o m e n ,

b u t by m e n , t o o . I a m p o o r at r e t a i n i n g street n a m e s , however,
even streets t h a t h o l d b u i l d i n g s in w h i c h I've w o r k e d in t h e
past. F o r a while I deliberately s t u d i e d m a p s of t h e business
district in t h e evening, c o u n t i n g traffic lights a n d m e m o r i z i n g
cross streets a n d helpful l a n d m a r k s , so t h a t I w o u l d live u p to
t h e e x p e c t a t i o n s of u n i n t i m i d a t i n g g u i d a n c e t h a t m y face a n d
features s e e m to create. (I find t h a t t h e r e s p o n s e is especially
heavy if I a m carrying s o m e bulky item, like a b u n c h of flowers
o r a W a n g VS b a c k u p disk.) As a result, I n e v e r k n o w if t h e
p e r s o n c o m i n g toward m e o n t h e sidewalk a n d s e e k i n g eye
c o n t a c t is s o m e o n e I w o r k e d with at Gillette o r K e n d a l l o r
Ropes & Gray o r P o l a r o i d o r MassBank o r A r t h u r Y o u n g , o r
w h e t h e r h e o r she j u s t n e e d s to k n o w h o w to g e t to Milk Street.
D u r i n g t h e p e r i o d s w h e n I have full Fold-powers, however,
these difficulties a r e easily solved. As s o o n as I h e a r a n " A r n o ,
hi!" I c a n d o a D r o p a n d c h e c k wallet o r p u r s e I D a n d t h e n
greet whoever it is properly. It m a k e s s u c h a difference. I d o n ' t
feel cringey a n d c a n lose myself in t h e p l e a s u r e of t h e r e u n
ion: for I really d o like m o s t of t h e p e o p l e I have w o r k e d with
over t h e years; almost all of t h e m have s o m e lovable feature.
A n d if s o m e o n e asks m e h o w to get to a p l a c e t h a t I s h o u l d
know perfectly well h o w to get to a n d d o n ' t , I c a n freeze his
i n q u i r i n g expression a n d c h e c k a m a p . (I carry o n e in m y
briefcase, as well as my old b o t t l e of c o n t a c t - l e n s solution, in
case s o m e o n e finds herself in o c u l a r distress.) O f c o u r s e , I
c o u l d pull o u t t h e m a p while h e looks o n , b u t I h a t e to see
t h a t shifty, c l o u d e d look c o m e i n t o his eyes as h e t h i n k s to
himself, This guy d o e s n ' t have a c l u e I s h o u l d have asked
o n e of t h e o t h e r s . Also, w h e n I p u l l o u t a m a p to h e l p a
45
NICHOLSON
BAKER
tourist, especially a n Asian tourist, I inevitably e n d u p giving

it to h i m , b e c a u s e impulsive generosity is s u c h a h i g h a n d
those maps are
ridiculously
expensive.
I ' m n o t b e i n g q u i t e fair to myself, t h e n , w h e n I say t h a t t h e

Fold is j u s t a sexual aid. It is primarily t h a t m y Fold-energies
s e e m to b e a direct b y - p r o d u c t of my a p p e t i t e for nakedness.
I d o u b t t h a t I w o u l d have w o r m e d my way i n t o t h e F e r m a t a
even o n c e if I h a d n o t b e e n m o t i v a t e d primarily by t h e desire
to take w o m e n ' s clothes off. B u t I d o n ' t w a n t to i g n o r e o r
d e p r e c i a t e t h e r a n g e of n o n s e x u a l uses t h a t I have p u t it to.
I have, for e x a m p l e , relied o n it for t h i n g s like last-minute
C h r i s t m a s s h o p p i n g ; it's nice to browse in u t t e r silence. W h e n
I ' m irritable at work, a n d I know t h a t t h e p e o p l e a r o u n d m e
d o n ' t deserve my m i s a n t h r o p y , I c a n stop t h e m all u n t i l I ' m
f o n d of t h e m a g a i n . If s o m e o n e m a k e s a revealing c o m m e n t
in passing, I c a n take t i m e o u t to t h i n k a b o u t its h i d d e n
i m p l i c a t i o n s a n d c h e c k t h e expressions of o t h e r s w h o have
h e a r d it, all while I ' m right t h e r e a n d it is fresh in my m i n d .
I also u s e t h e F o l d w h e n I ' m called o n to c o m e u p with
s o m e t h i n g especially u n d e r s t a n d i n g o r sympathetic in a con
versation a n d I w a n t to b e s u r e t h a t my tact is exactly o n
k e y a l t h o u g h t h e r e is a serious risk in m u l l i n g over y o u r
k i n d n e s s for any l o n g e r t h a n fifteen o r twenty seconds, be
c a u s e as y o u w e i g h a n d polish y o u r r e s p o n s e you c a n quickly
lose y o u r w o r k i n g sense of t h e i m m e d i a t e e m o t i o n a l flux. I've
nearly d e r a i l e d o n e o r two i m p o r t a n t h e a r t - t o - h e a r t talks by
p a u s i n g so l o n g to h o n e my t o n e t h a t w h e n I was finally ready
to r e - e n t e r t i m e I knew t h a t I was g o i n g to b e brittle a n d
foolish a n d insincere, exactly w h a t I ' d D r o p p e d o u t to avoid,
a n d I h a d a very h a r d t i m e w o r k i n g myself b a c k a r o u n d to t h e
mood
t h a t h a d m a d e t h e conversation s e e m
important
e n o u g h for m e to have w a n t e d to i n t e r r u p t it in t h e first place.

46
THE
FERMATA
N o n e t h e l e s s , u s e d sparingly, t h e Fold c a n really h e l p with

commiseration.
It is a n obvious escape, t o o t h o u g h h e r e a g a i n , I have
l e a r n e d to use it sparingly. I was given a t e m p a s s i g n m e n t at
the a l u m n i office of a g r a d u a t e school, w h e r e I was asked to
roll u p posters a n d stuff t h e m in m a i l i n g t u b e s . I d i d this for
four straight days. I w o u l d n o t have m i n d e d if t h e p o s t e r s h a d
n o t b e e n so ugly. O n t h e s e c o n d day, I f o u n d it difficult to
e n t e r t a i n t h e n o t i o n of r o l l i n g u p o n e m o r e p u r p l e - a n d - b l a c k
p o s t e r t h e waste of glossy p a p e r , of p o s t office energy, of
university m o n e y , s e e m e d t o o awfuland so I hit t h e c l u t c h
a n d took two n o n - h o u r s to r e a d s o m e of D i a n a C r a n e ' s The
Transformation of the Avant-Garde.
I n t h a t case it h e l p e d a lot:
the b o o k was better, m o r e licentiously t o o t h s o m e , for b e i n g

r e a d en Folde. B u t t h e r e have b e e n o t h e r times w h e n , o n c e I
have lapsed i n t o t h e timelessness of t h e a r r e s t e d instant, t h e
p a r t i c u l a r o b l i g a t i o n o r p e r s o n from w h o m I have t e m p o r a r
ily freed myself b e c o m e s m o r e a n d m o r e horrific, p o s e d in its
o r his stalled i m m i n e n c e , a n d t h e i d e a t h a t I will have to take
u p right w h e r e I have left off b e c o m e s u n b e a r a b l e , a n d I
r e - e n t e r time's cattle-drive with a sense of defeat a n d u n h a p piness m o r e a c u t e t h a n any I felt b e f o r e I h a d d u c k e d , o r
copped, out.
I think, too, t h a t it is exceedingly d a n g e r o u s to D r o p w h e n
you are in any sort of d e p r e s s i o n a b o u t h o w b a d t h e world is.
A Fold t h e n c a n d e e p e n infinitelysince in a way you a r e
now in c o n t r o l over w h e t h e r all t h e world's c o n t i n u i n g atroci
ties a n d tragedies s h o u l d r e s u m e o r n o t . Y o u k n o w t h a t as
s o o n as you give t h e g o - a h e a d to t i m e a g a i n , p e t s will n o t b e
given e n o u g h water, feelings will b e needlessly h u r t , killings,
crashes, miscarriages of j u s t i c e , b u r e a u c r a t i c h a r a s s m e n t , in
fidelity,
artistic d i s a p p o i n t m e n t s , a n d worse will all g o for47
NICHOLSON
BAKER
ward, a n d you b e g i n to t h i n k t h a t you will b e in a sense their

cause, you will b e directly r e s p o n s i b l e for t h e m , since you have
a c h o i c e w h e t h e r to let t h e m h a p p e n , by o p t i n g to restart time
o r n o t . W h e n I a m in a Fold, I know for a fact t h a t n o w o m a n
a n y w h e r e is crying o r feeling betrayed, a n d since I w a n t above
all for w o m e n n o t to cry, I c a n b e g i n to believe, irrationally,
t h a t it is m y d u t y to live o u t my e n t i r e life in this artificial
solitude, e a t i n g c a n n e d foods. " H e d i e d s u d d e n l y , " they
w o u l d say o n discovering my a b r u p t l y a g e d body. B u t w h e n I
died, all t h e misery-in-progress t h a t I h a d so heroically h e l d at
bay for forty-odd years w o u l d r e s u m e anyway. I d o n ' t have any
p o w e r to alter t h e fact t h a t evils will d o t h e i r work, only how
" s o o n " they will. As a c o n s e q u e n c e , I have d e t e r m i n e d t h a t my
F o l d o u t s s h o u l d in g e n e r a l b e short, recreational, a n d masturbatory, rather than deep and pained.
I s h o u l d m e n t i o n h e r e , t h o u g h , u n d e r t h e h e a d i n g of n o n
sexual uses of t h e F e r m a t a , o n e of my least attractive episodes.
T h r e e black kids, a g e e i g h t e e n o r so, s t o p p e d m e o n e after
n o o n a n d asked w h i c h way t h e B o s t o n C o m m o n was, a n d
w h e n I p u t o n m y u s u a l "Yes, I'd b e d e l i g h t e d to h e l p you find
y o u r way, a n d I will of c o u r s e b e discreet a b o u t y o u r sketchy
k n o w l e d g e of this a r e a of t h e city, a n d w h e n you walk away you
will b e c h e e r e d by t h e conviction t h a t you did t h e r i g h t t h i n g
asking m e a n d n o t t h o s e o t h e r , less a m i a b l e p e o p l e for direc
t i o n s " face, o n e of t h e kids p l a c e d a g u n to my j a w (this was
n e a r t h e m e d i c a l c e n t e r d o w n t o w n ) , a n d asked m e to give h i m
m y wallet a n d watch. I t i m e d o u t by p u s h i n g o n t h e leada d v a n c e b u t t o n of my m e c h a n i c a l pencil (in my back p o c k e t ) ,
a n d t o o k t h e g u n o u t of play. I was t r e m b l i n g , o u t r a g e d t h a t
these kids w o u l d feel e n t i t l e d to my wallet a n d watch a n d were
willing to t h r e a t e n m e with d e a t h to get t h e m . I was p u t in
m i n d of t h e old j o k e y way of t e a c h i n g genuflection: "Specta48
THE
FERMATA
cles, testicles, wallet, w a t c h . " So I g o t s o m e wire from t h e b a c k

of a New E n g l a n d T e l e p h o n e t r u c k t h a t was p a r k e d n e a r b y
a n d tied all t h r e e of t h e m by t h e balls to a n e a r b y s t o p sign.
It is a s o m e w h a t d i s o r i e n t i n g e x p e r i e n c e to b e calmly w i n d i n g
t e l e p h o n e wire a r o u n d t h e testicle-sack of a p e r s o n w h o h a s
j u s t b e e n in t h e process of m u g g i n g you. I t a p e d t h e i r dicks
u p t e m p o r a r i l y so t h a t they w o u l d n ' t a n n o y m e by h a n g i n g in
my way while I w o u n d . (Two were u n c i r c u m c i s e d . ) W h e n all
t h r e e of t h e m were fully s e c u r e d to t h e s t o p sign, t h e t h r e e
wires exiting t h e backs of t h e i r p a n t s t h r o u g h h o l e s I h a d
s n i p p e d with wire cutters, I s t o o d b a c k a few paces, t u r n e d
time o n , a n d , with p a t h e t i c b r a v a d o , said, " C o m e a n d get m e ,
you little fucks!" Startled, they sized u p t h e s i t u a t i o n for a
second, t h e n l u n g e d after m e a n d fell forward at o n c e , swear
i n g with p a i n . I l o p e d off, feeling increasingly remorseful, n o t
to m e n t i o n relieved t h a t I h a d n ' t in t h e first flush of my
vengefulness c u t off t h e i r balls a l t o g e t h e r a n d d r a g g e d t h e m
to t h e e m e r g e n c y r o o m ; a n o p t i o n , I a m a s h a m e d to say, t h a t
I h a d briefly c o n s i d e r e d . ( C a n o n e b l e e d to d e a t h from cas
tration? Probably. A n d it was d o u b t f u l they h a d m e d i c a l
insurance.) After t h a t u n s e t t l i n g e x p e r i e n c e I s p e n t a n "after
n o o n " p e r f o r m i n g acts of lite altruism, w a n d e r i n g in t h e F o l d
t h r o u g h c r u m m y n e i g h b o r h o o d s collecting c o n c e a l e d h a n d
g u n s off a n y o n e w h o l o o k e d u n d e r thirty, b u t t h e frisking was
tiring a n d distasteful work, a n d I s t o p p e d after I h a d only
forty-four w e a p o n s in my c o m m a n d e e r e d s h o p p i n g cart, with
the sense t h a t I h a d d o n e n o t h i n g of real value, a n d h a d
possibly even destabilized a m o m e n t a r i l y t r a n q u i l street scene.
(Still u n d e r cover of t h e F e r m a t a , I p u s h e d t h e w e a p o n s i n t o
s o m e newly p o u r e d c e m e n t at a c o n s t r u c t i o n site.)
49
JL-^UT
1 D O LIKE T R A N S C R I B I N G MICROCASSETTES. I M E N T I O N
this b e c a u s e only a few days after I wrote t h a t very first sur le

w / c h u n k a b o u t J o y c e ' s e x u b e r a n t p u b i c hair, I was i m m e r s e d
in o n e of h e r t a p e s , d o g - p a d d l i n g a l o n g in t h e m o o n l i t scumless lily p o n d of h e r consciousness, my eyes fixed o n t h e g r e e n
letters t h a t she called f o r t h from my fingertips, w h e n I g l a n c e d
u p to see h e r walking briskly t o w a r d m e , wiggling a p e n a n d
l o o k i n g to o n e side as if p r e o c c u p i e d . I m a d e a m o v e to take
off my h e a d p h o n e s , b u t she h e l d u p h e r p a l m s , i n d i c a t i n g
t h a t I s h o u l d c o n t i n u e t r a n s c r i b i n g , evidently feeling a twinge
of t h e guilt w h i c h c o n s i d e r a t e p e o p l e often feel w h e n they
d r o p off a n u n u s u a l a m o u n t of work for a t e m p to d o in a
50
THE
FERMATA
short interval of time. O b e d i e n t , I k e p t o n t r a n s c r i b i n g . " S u b

j e c t indicated t h a t h i g h credit was in t h e low six figures," etc.
Joyce m e a n w h i l e wrote s o m e t h i n g o n a scrap of p a p e r a n d
affixed it with o n e of t h e r u b b e r b a n d s from m y r u b b e r - b a n d
tray to t h e cassette a n d p u t it o n t o p of my m o n i t o r . It said,
" N o rush, t h a n k s . " I n o d d e d , m a k i n g my m o u t h i n t o a d o w n
ward U of c o n s p i r a t o r i a l assent. I d i d n ' t tell h e r t h a t I was
typing h e r own earlier t a p e . I let h e r walk away. A n d t h e sight
of h e r d i m i n i s h i n g figure, while at t h e s a m e t i m e h e r voice
talked so tiredly a n d yet evenly in my e a r of h i g h credit a n d
low credit (this b a n k j o b was b e n e a t h her, surely), m a d e my
interest in her, my love for her, flare u p . I loved h e r , for
instance, for n o t writing " T h a n x " o n h e r n o t e a n d n o t u s i n g
a n e x c l a m a t i o n p o i n t . I w a t c h e d h e r g o b a c k to h e r desk a n d
sit d o w n a n d p u l l in h e r c h a i r a n d pick u p t h e p h o n e . She was
a woman. T h o u g h I ' m thirty-five, as I s e e m to w a n t to p o i n t
o u t o n every p a g e , I a m often surprised by t h e simple observa
tion t h a t t h e r e are w o m e n , t h a t they w e a r rustly layers of
clothing, t h a t they have lips a n d t e e t h w h i c h o n occasion they
e m p l o y to smile at m e . T h e y take t h e i r existence for g r a n t e d ,
b u t I d o n ' t , by any m e a n s . I think, t o o , in all modesty, t h a t I
have a n u n u s u a l l y g o o d instinct for d e t e c t i n g w h e n a n aver
age-looking w o m a n senses herself e n t e r i n g a new p h a s e of
attractiveness. I c a n d e t e c t b e t t e r t h a n o t h e r s w h e n a w o m a n
feels t h a t she is l o o k i n g u n u s u a l l y g o o d t h a t day, o r w h e n
s o m e t h i n g like a new h a i r c u t , o r t h e discovery of a store t h a t
has the kind of clothes t h a t she looks best in, r e m i n d s h e r of
t h e fact t h a t r o m a n c e a n d flirtation a r e p a r t of life, t o o . J o y c e
is p e r h a p s n o t , objectively c o n s i d e r e d , s t u n n i n g , t h o u g h she
is p r e t t y b u t these h a p p e n to b e , I think, m i r a c l e weeks for
her, as she learns to h e r surprise h o w she c a n b e beautiful in
a thirty-year-old r a t h e r t h a n a twenty-three-year-old sort of
51
NICHOLSON
BAKER
way. T h e F r e n c h b r a i d is p a r t of it. I d o u b t very m u c h t h a t

a n y o n e at work h a s said t h a t to h e r " Y o u are e n t e r i n g a new
p h a s e of beauty, J o y c e " b u t s o m e of t h e m m u s t have n o t i c e d
it, t o o .
Joyce h a d been eating somethingyogurt, probablyas
she dictated. N o r m a l l y I a m n o t f o n d of this practice. B u t
w h e n she said t h e w o r d " u n p l a n n e d " a n d I h e a r d o n e of those
o d d p a l a t a l m o m e n t s , m o s t often associated with yogurt, in
w h i c h t h e t o n e of h e r voice c h a n g e d suddenly, went nasal o n
m e , I simply c o u l d n o t believe I was this close to her. My h e a d
was practically in h e r m o u t h ! I h a d a g r e a t d e a l of work left to
d o , t h o u g h , so I s n a p p e d t i m e off in o r d e r to have a few
m i n u t e s of f r e e d o m to t h i n k a b o u t w h a t I m i g h t d o with J o y c e
if I switched off t i m e in a b i g way. (I often d o this: I D r o p j u s t
to itemize all t h e n e a t t h i n g s I c o u l d d o if I d i d D r o p right at
t h a t m o m e n t . ) I c o u l d stay in t h e F o l d for several years, mas
t e r i n g c a r p e n t r y a n d o t h e r b u i l d i n g trades, a n d c o n s t r u c t a n
e n t i r e a l t e r n a t e city for h e r , a city with i r r e g u l a r spires a n d
elevated walkways, w h e r e I w o u l d t r a n s p o r t her, a n d t h e n ,
t u r n i n g t i m e b a c k o n , I w o u l d wait in o n e of t h e deserted
b u i l d i n g s I h a d b u i l t u n t i l she discovered m e , a n d I would
profess total b e w i l d e r m e n t at h o w we h a d g o t t e n t h e r e a n d
why we h a d b e e n left to fend for ourselves, a n d eventually she
w o u l d get d e s p e r a t e a n d we w o u l d fuck sitting u p at twilight,
l o o k i n g i n t o e a c h o t h e r ' s eyes, in t h e m i d d l e of a c o b b l e s t o n e
street, e a c h c o b b l e of w h i c h I h a d laid by h a n d .
O r I c o u l d write h e r a short, i m m o d e r a t e , u n c o o l letter
telling h e r h o w w o n d e r f u l it was to d o h e r credit m e m o s a n d
h o w little I h a d e x p e c t e d to m e e t s o m e o n e of h e r c h a r m o n
this floor of t h e M a s s B a n k b u i l d i n g , a n d h o w extremely glad
I was t h a t s h e liked m y glasses, a n d I c o u l d p a p e r - c l i p t h e n o t e
to t h e b a c k of t h e p a p e r s I gave b a c k to her. O r I c o u l d b o r r o w
52
THE
FERMATA
h e r keys from h e r p u r s e a n d g o see w h a t h e r a p a r t m e n t

looked like. (I u s e d to h a n g a r o u n d cafs in C a m b r i d g e o n
Sundays, r e a d i n g w o m e n ' s h a n d w r i t t e n p o e t r y j o u r n a l s while
in t h e Fold, b u t t h e s u r p r i s i n g t h i n g was h o w little you l e a r n e d
a b o u t what t h e w o m e n were actually like, w h a t t h e i r m a n n e r
was like, by r e a d i n g t h e i r p o e t r y j o u r n a l s t h o u g h t h e i r h a n d
writing told you s o m e t h i n g . Eventually I f o u n d t h a t a m o r e
d e p e n d a b l e way to get a n idea of a p a r t i c u l a r w o m a n w i t h o u t
actually talking to h e r was by h i t t i n g
PAUSE,
f i n d i n g h e r ad
dress, a n d b o r r o w i n g h e r keys to see h o w she lived.) O r I c o u l d

p u t o n e of my special h o m e m a d e e d i t i o n s of a p a m p h l e t
called Tales of French Love and Passion in a trash c a n j u s t as
Joyce was tossing s o m e t h i n g o u t , so t h a t she w o u l d find it a n d
p e r h a p s r e a d it. O r I c o u l d ask h e r o u t to d i n n e r . T h a t s e e m e d
the m o s t r e a s o n a b l e t h i n g to d o .
B u t in t h e e n d , needless to say, I b o r r o w e d h e r keys a n d
checked o u t h e r a p a r t m e n t . I d r o p p e d i n t o t h e Fold at
a r o u n d four-thirty. F o r t u n a t e l y for m e she lived o n G a r d e n
Street, o n e of t h e streets t h a t slopes d o w n B e a c o n Hill, a
fifteen-minute walk, a n d n o t o u t in B r o o k l i n e o r s o m e w h e r e ,
t h o u g h I w o u l d have b e e n willing to walk to B r o o k l i n e , o r at
least b o r r o w a c o u r i e r ' s bicycle to get t h e r e , s o m e t h i n g I have
d o n e often e n o u g h w h e n I have n e e d e d to get a r o u n d while
the universe is off. ( T h e s t o p p e d traffic m a k e s driving a car in
the Fold impractical.) J o y c e lived o n t h e fifth floor, in a small
oddly s h a p e d studio a t t a c h e d to a n i n c o n g r u o u s l y l o n g n a r
row s u n p o r c h , w h e r e she a p p a r e n t l y slept. T h e r e were a n u m
b e r of flat canvas shoes, floral, t u r q u o i s e , in front of h e r sofa,
which was a faded b l u e f o l d o u t a n d l o o k e d s e c o n d - h a n d . T h e
floor was p a i n t e d gray. A plastic t a m p o n w r a p p e r crinkled
u n d e r f o o t in t h e b a t h r o o m . H e r m a k e u p was t h r o w n h a p h a z
ardly in a m e t a l b o x t h a t h a d o n c e h e l d s o m e sort of F r e n c h
53
NICHOLSON
BAKER
biscuit. A Piazzetta p o s t e r was o n o n e wall; a small framed

illustration t a k e n from s o m e e i g h t e e n t h - c e n t u r y t e x t b o o k of
perspective was o n a n o t h e r . H e r a l a r m was set to seven-forty.
S h e was r e a d i n g several books; t h e only o n e s I recall now were
Mary Midgley's Wickedness a n d D'Arcy T h o m p s o n ' s On Growth
and Form. T h e r e was a b o t t l e of m a p l e syrup a n d a copy of a
D o v e r b o o k , 500 Small Houses of the Twenties, o n t h e kitchen
table. A cat, a lithe a d o l e s c e n t whose sex I d i d n ' t b o t h e r to
d e t e r m i n e , was e s t o p p e l e d in t h e m i d d l e of j u m p i n g from a
c o u n t e r o n t o a chair. I tried to get s o m e n o t i o n of what Joyce
w o r e w h e n she w a s n ' t w e a r i n g work clothes, b u t as usual,
w h e n I h i t t h e c l u t c h to s n o o p , I c o u l d n ' t : it is n o t intuitively
o b v i o u s w h a t items g o with w h a t o t h e r s . B u t h e r mess was
g o o d I love messy w o m e n . ( O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , I love n e a t
women.)
T h e b e s t t h i n g a b o u t h e r a p a r t m e n t , t h o u g h , in my o p i n
ion, was t h e m a t t r e s s p a d . It was o n e of t h o s e b u m p y thera
p e u t i c o n e s , m a d e of h u n d r e d s of r o u n d e d i n c h - h i g h hillocks
o r p i n g o s of foam, t h a t p e o p l e use to d a m p e n t h e pressure
p o i n t s of t o o firm a mattress. I h a d never k n o w n a n y o n e
personally w h o u s e d o n e . It gave m e g r e a t p l e a s u r e to slip my
h a n d u n d e r t h e disorderly b l a n k e t s to feel it u n d e r t h e sheet.
My fingers l o o k e d as if they were playing t h e p i a n o as they
p a s s e d over its repetitively d i m p l e d surface. I p u l l e d u p a
c o r n e r of t h e fitted sheet. T h e f o a m p a d was a dark-yellow
color; w h e n I s t a r e d at it, t h e p a t t e r n of identical shadows
tricked my eyes with false dimensionalities. I felt as if I were
l o o k i n g at a r o u g h a p p r o x i m a t i o n , in foam, of time's t r u e
g e o m e t r y . Everyone else stayed at t h e level of t h e sheet, a n d
only I c o u l d d r o p below it.
F e e l i n g J o y c e ' s m a t t r e s s p a d m a d e m e w a n t to kiss her. I n o t
only w a n t e d to kiss her, w h i c h I c o u l d d o easily u s i n g time
54
THE
FERMATA
trickeryI w a n t e d h e r to know I was kissing h e r a n d to w a n t

m e to b e kissing her, which was a g r e a t d e a l h a r d e r to b r i n g
a b o u t . I t u r n e d o n o n e of h e r k i t c h e n taps; a trickle of water
c a m e o u t (water p r e s s u r e is never g o o d in t h e F o l d ) , a n d I
d r a n k a little from o n e of h e r k i t c h e n glasses. J u s t b e f o r e I left
h e r a p a r t m e n t a n d walked b a c k to work, I p l a c e d , u n d e r a n
a n t i q u e glass b o t t l e o n t h e sill of h e r s u n p o r c h - b e d r o o m ,
entirely o u t of sight, w i t h o u t k n o w i n g exactly why I was d o i n g
it, a folded fortune-cookie f o r t u n e t h a t I h a d f o u n d in a bowl
of forgotten things o n t o p of h e r refrigerator. It said, " S m i l e
w h e n you are r e a d y . " T h e n I walked b a c k to work. W h e n I
h a d p u t o n my h e a d p h o n e s a n d r e a s s u m e d t h e lost, s o m e
what spiritual expression of t h e c o n c e n t r a t i n g t r a n s c r i b e r , I
s n a p p e d everything back to life.
B u t I h a d entirely m i s j u d g e d my capacity to h a n d l e t h e
s o u n d of Joyce's a b r u p t l y r e s u m e d business voice in my ears
so s o o n after I h a d g o t t e n s u c h a h u g e a n d illicit i d e a of h e r
a p a r t m e n t . T h e fact t h a t she h a d n o n o t i o n of w h a t I h a d j u s t
d o n e , t h a t she d i d n o t know t h e full e x t e n t of my k n o w l e d g e
of h e r mattress p a d , p a i n e d m e m u c h m o r e t h a n I e x p e c t e d
n o t b e c a u s e my unlawful e n t r y was w r o n g , exactly, b u t b e
cause I felt t h a t my fuller sense of h e r life was g o i n g to m a k e
it m o r e difficult for m e to ask h e r o u t , r a t h e r t h a n easier. T h e
m o r e I l e a r n e d a b o u t h e r , t h e m o r e I liked h e r , with a friendly,
almost marital sort of well-wishing affection; b u t also t h e
h a r d e r it was t o i m a g i n e my h a v i n g d i n n e r with h e r a n d p r e
t e n d i n g t h a t I knew n o t h i n g e x c e p t w h a t she was willing to tell
m e . H e r p u b i c hair, h e r braid, I c o u l d h a n d l e j u s t fine: they
were g r a p h i c sights a n d t e x t u r e s w h o s e m e m o r i e s w o u l d n ' t
get in t h e way of any later, m o r e p r e l i m i n a r y flirtation, b u t
still-lifes like t h e m a p l e syrup a n d t h e D o v e r b o o k o n t h e
kitchen table m a d e m e i m a g i n e s p e n d i n g m y life with h e r ,
55
NICHOLSON
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a n d h o w c o u l d I possibly s p e n d my life with h e r if I h a d to

k e e p t h e secret of my Fold-proficiencies a n d activities from
her? T h i s sort of d o u b t was n o t entirely unfamiliar, b u t in the
p a s t I h a d simply c o n c l u d e d ( m o s t recently after R h o d y b r o k e
u p with m e over this very issue) t h a t I was never g o i n g to get
m a r r i e d , a n d I was c o n t e n t with t h a t c o n c l u s i o n . This time,
t h o u g h , I f o u n d it d e p r e s s i n g to t h i n k t h a t I h a d j u s t b e e n in
h e r a p a r t m e n t , in h e r life, sitting o n h e r b e d , a n d yet t h a t if
I d i d n ' t act o n my loveor whatever such a hybrid e m o t i o n
s h o u l d b e called w h e n you l e a r n i m p o r t a n t t h i n g s a b o u t a
w o m a n all in t h e w r o n g o r d e r b y asking h e r o u t , t h e n I
m i g h t n o t , in a year o r so, if I r a n i n t o h e r o n t h e street, even
r e m e m b e r h e r n a m e : I w o u l d have to u s e t h e Fold t h e n simply
in o r d e r to b e p o l i t e to her.
56
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ B V I O U S L Y
WAS
MISTAKEN
IN
PREDICTING
EARLIER
IN
these p a g e s t h a t J o y c e w o u l d play a m i n o r r o l e in my a u t o b i
ography. I finished d o i n g h e r t a p e a n d walked over to h e r
office to deliver it, i n t e n d i n g to ask h e r o u t . B u t she was
talking to a witty c h a r m i n g SVP w h o m I f o u n d i n t i m i d a t i n g
a n d d i d n ' t w a n t to c o m p e t e with. I n s t e a d , I j u s t n o d d e d at
t h e m b o t h a n d gave h e r t h e p a p e r s . At five o'clock I left. I got
to my place feeling e x t r e m e l y sad, h o p e l e s s , a l m o s t tearful.
O n my desk were t h r e e v i b r a t i n g dildos of varying d e g r e e s of
stylization, a l o n g with a w o m a n - d e s i g n e d v i b r a t i n g butterfly,
a n d a Jeff Stryker p e n i s p u m p . T h e y were all " m i n t - i n - b o x , "
as toy collectors say. I sat d o w n in my c h a i r a n d l o o k e d at
57
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h e m , feeling g r e a t waves of misery. I h a d o r d e r e d t h e m from

a c o m p a n y in S a n Francisco, p a y i n g e x t r a for F e d e r a l Express
delivery, in t h e m o m e n t a r y g r i p of t h e idea t h a t I w o u l d b e
a b l e s o m e t i m e s o o n to watch J o y c e use o n e o r m o r e of these
devices o n herself. I b o u g h t t h e p e n i s p u m p as a n after
t h o u g h t , so t h a t I w o u l d have it in reserve as a b a r g a i n i n g tool:
"You g o a h e a d a n d use these v i b r a t i n g dildos for m e , a n d I'll
p u m p m y p e n i s for you with this p e n i s p u m p . " B u t I c o u l d n ' t
afford these m a c h i n e s a l m o s t two h u n d r e d dollars' w o r t h of
sexual h a r d w a r e a n d it s e e m e d p a t h e t i c a n d undignified for
m e to have t h e m in s t o r a g e in my life w h e n I w o u l d never b e
a b l e to u s e t h e m with s o m e o n e like Joyce. S i p p i n g wine, with
t h e r a d i o p l a y i n g s o m e progressive j a z z c o n s t r u c t with t h e
u s u a l cleanly m i k e d b o n g o s a n d synthesized tribal flutes a n d
pre-enjoyed Steely D a n c h o r d s , I filled o u t t h e r e t u r n slip,
w r o t e , Nobody to use these with, unfortunately,
SON
FOR RETURN
n e x t to t h e
REA
line, a n d o n e by o n e I t u c k e d t h e m back
in t h e c a r t o n they c a m e in (they h a d b e e n responsibly p a c k e d

in recycled styrene), m y self-pity m o u n t i n g to impossible
h e i g h t s . I w a n t e d . . . I w a n t e d to tell J o y c e my d r e a m of a
flying b l u e brassiere: t h a t we w o u l d b e s t r a n d e d in a r o w b o a t
in t h e m i d d l e of a sulfur lake, a n d t h e only way we could
e s c a p e is if she t o o k off h e r shirt a n d r e m o v e d h e r flying b l u e
brassiere a n d k n e e l e d in its c u p s a n d took s t r o n g h o l d of t h e
straps a n d p u l l e d u p o n t h e m for lift, u s i n g t h e m as a steeringb r i d l e . I w o u l d ride piggyback, a n d she, n o b l e b a r e - b r e a s t e d
h o r s e w o m a n of Lycra, w o u l d lift us a n d swoosh us to v e r d a n t
safety. I also w a n t e d to tell h e r t h e d r e a m I h a d m a n y m o r n
ings j u s t b e f o r e I woke u p , t h a t my m o u t h was filled with a n
e n o r m o u s wad of decayed B a z o o k a c h e w i n g g u m : I h a d
stuffed in e i g h t o r n i n e loaves of g u m b e c a u s e t h e first taste
was so a t t e n t i o n - g e t t i n g l y tart, b u t n o w it was c h a n g e d for t h e
58
THE
FERMATA
worsesticky a n d oppressive, a l m o s t d o u g h y , a l m o s t friable,

a n d I tried to h o o k its u n p l e a s a n t mass o u t of m y m o u t h with
my finger a n d c o u l d n ' t r e m o v e it, b u t o n w a k i n g I discovered
that t h e g u m - m a s s was in reality j u s t m y t o n g u e , w h i c h as I
moved u p toward consciousness h a d m a d e its sluggish p r e s
e n c e known against t h e reviving nerves of t h e r o o f of m y
m o u t h . I w a n t e d to tell J o y c e these d r e a m s . B u t she w a s n ' t m y
lover, a n d lovers are t h e only p e o p l e w h o will p u t u p with
hearing your dreams.
I d o n ' t t h i n k t h a t loneliness is necessarily a b a d o r u n c o n structive c o n d i t i o n . My o w n skill at j a m m i n g t i m e m a y actu
ally b e d e p e n d e n t o n s o m e fluid m i x t u r e of e m o t i o n s , a m o n g
t h e m curiosity, sexual desire, a n d love, all s u s p e n d e d in a
solvent m e d i u m of loneliness. I like t h e h e r o e s o r h e r o i n e s of
books I r e a d to b e living a l o n e , a n d feeling lonely, b e c a u s e
r e a d i n g is itself a state of artificially e n h a n c e d loneliness.
Loneliness m a k e s you c o n s i d e r o t h e r p e o p l e ' s lives, m a k e s
you m o r e polite to t h o s e you d e a l with in passing, d a m p e n s
irony a n d cynicism. T h e i n t e r i o r of t h e F o l d is, of c o u r s e , t h e
place of u l t i m a t e loneliness, a n d I like it t h e r e . B u t t h e r e are
times w h e n t h e wish for o t h e r s ' voices, for friendliness r e
t u r n e d , r e a c h e s u n p l e a s a n t levels, a n d b e c o m e s a k i n d of
i m m o b i l i z i n g p a i n . T h a t was h o w it felt as I finished p a c k i n g
u p t h e b o x of sex m a c h i n e s . I u s e d a " t a p e g u n " to t a p e it
back u p , j u s t like t h e p r o s at Mailboxes USA. A t a p e g u n is a
triggerless m a c h i n e with a h a n d l e t h a t e n a b l e s you t o dis
p e n s e t a p e from thick rolls o n e - h a n d e d . It h a s a set of s h a r p
metal t e e t h t h a t c u t t h e t a p e at will, like t h e row r u n n i n g
a l o n g a b o x of plastic w r a p t h a t c a n h u r t y o u r finger if you
r u m m a g e overhastily in a drawer, b u t its w h o l e
function
stands in swords-into-plowshares o p p o s i t i o n to t h e g u n i t is
m e a n t to seal, to m e n d , to h o l d t o g e t h e r , r a t h e r t h a n t o injure
59
NICHOLSON
BAKER
a n d r e n d . I b o u g h t it at a n office-supply store as a reward after

a n awful week w o r k i n g for t h e D e p a r t m e n t of Social Services
t y p i n g Social Security n u m b e r s in b o x e s t h a t were n o t spaced
to fit e i t h e r of t h e type sizes of t h e typewriter. Now, in my
m o m e n t of despair, t a p i n g u p t h e c a r t o n of sex toys, I lifted
this nicely b a l a n c e d t a p e g u n a n d h e l d it to m y t e m p l e , a n d
investigated my wish to d i e a n d in d o i n g so I immediately
realized h o w l a u g h a b l y far I was from actual suicide, a n d how
g o o d , h a p p y , lucky, fundamentally, my life was. T h e idea of
trying to c o m m i t suicide over a b o x of v i b r a t i n g dildos with a
t a p e g u n h e l d at m y t e m p l e struck m e as almost comic. It got
m e over t h e h u m p of Joyce-loneliness. I d e c i d e d t h a t w h a t I
really n e e d e d to d o was go to t h e library a n d get o u t s o m e
m o r e a u t o b i o g r a p h i e s a n d r e a d t h e m , so t h a t I would have a
b e t t e r i d e a of h o w to write this o n e properly. Before I left, I
c u t o p e n t h e c a r t o n t h a t I h a d j u s t sealed u p with t a p e a n d
t o o k o u t o n e of t h e v i b r a t i n g dildos (not t h e Pleasure Pallas,
a m e d i u m - s i z e d J a p a n e s e - m a d e o n e in t h e s h a p e of A t h e n a
h o l d i n g a n oddly flamed t o r c h of wisdom in h e r h a n d s , t h e
t o r c h b e i n g in fact a p l i a n t clitoris-stimulating projection; b u t
r a t h e r t h e M o n a s t i c o n , w h i c h was a large twisting C a p u c h i n
m o n k h o l d i n g a clit-nuzzling o p e n m a n u s c r i p t ) , a n d p u t it in
m y briefcase. I b r u s h e d my teeth. T h e n I r e c o n s i d e r e d , a n d
p u t t h e h o t - p i n k v i b r a t i n g Butterfly in my briefcase as well. It
w o u l d b e a waste of life's possibilities to s e n d t h e m dolefully
back, I t h o u g h t , j u s t b e c a u s e I m i g h t never use t h e m with
J o y c e . M u c h m o r e sensible to d i s t r i b u t e t h e m free at t h e
library.
I was luckier t h a n u s u a l in finding t h e b o o k s I wanted.
M a u r i c e B a r i n g ' s a u t o b i o g r a p h y , The Puppet Show of Memory,
was o n t h e shelf, as was G e o r g e S a n t a y a n a ' s Persons and Places,
The Memoirs of John Addington
60
Symonds, a n d J a n e A d d a m s ' s
THE
Twenty Years at Hull-House.
FERMATA
I sat d o w n at a large table a n d
looked my b o o k s over. T h e p a r t i c u l a r library table I h a d c h o

sen with s o m e care, of course: it h a d o n e o t h e r r e s i d e n t a
petite w o m a n in h e r late thirties with curly s a l t - a n d - p e p p e r
hair, w e a r i n g a short-sleeved t o p a n d e a r r i n g s m a d e of c l o u d y
yellow glass. S h e was l o o k i n g t h r o u g h several piles of m i
crofilm copies, s o r t i n g t h e m a n d circling p a r a g r a p h s every so
often. S h e s p u n h e r p e n gently, silently, o n t h e table as she
read, as if it were a s p i n n e r in a child's g a m e . H e r eyes m o v e d
with impressive s p e e d over t h e c h e m i c a l - s m e l l i n g legal-sized
pages, b u t she l o o k e d tired from s p e n d i n g h o u r s g a z i n g at t h e
gray light of o n e of t h e library's h o r r i b l e microfilm r e a d e r s ,
c o n t e n d i n g with t h e t r e m b l i n g m a g n i f i e d c r o t c h hairs a n d
scratches o n its screen. I s t o p p e d t i m e to find o u t w h a t s h e
h a d b e e n microfilming: it t u r n e d o u t to b e c o p i e s of
Harper's
Bazaar from t h e late forties. I d i d n ' t t o u c h her. I w a n t e d only

to a r o u s e h e r o r n o t even to a r o u s e her, b u t simply to b e a
subliminal p a r t of h e r life. I w a n t e d h e r to b e c o m e vaguely
a r o u s e d , w i t h o u t k n o w i n g I was t h e s o u r c e of h e r arousal.
S h e n e e d e d , it s e e m e d to m e , to see, o r sense, my M o v i n g
Psi Squares. I h a d in my briefcase t h r e e rarely o p e n e d e n
velopes. O n e h e l d m a n y o n e - i n c h s q u a r e s of c o n s t r u c t i o n
p a p e r , s o m e black, s o m e pink. T h e s e c o n d h e l d o n e - i n c h
squares I h a d c u t o u t of fashion m a g a z i n e s a n d G a r n e t Hill
catalogs, j u s t faces: beautiful, interesting, exotic, o r otherwise
noteworthy w o m e n ' s a n d m e n ' s faces. T h e t h i r d e n v e l o p e
h e l d squares I h a d c u t o u t of a flyer I h a d g o t t e n in t h e m a i l
from a place called E l m w o o d Distributors, a s o m e w h a t lowe n d d i s t r i b u t o r of p o r n films, m o s t of w h i c h were c o m p i l a
tions, o r " r e v u e s , " of s u r p r i s i n g specificity, with titles s u c h as
Double Hand-Job Revue, Brunette Lactating Hermaphrodite
Blow-
job Revue, a n d Big Uncut Dick Facial Cumshot Revue. E a c h film

61
NICHOLSON
BAKER
was illustrated by a single o n e - i n c h - s q u a r e still, s o m e of which

I h a d c u t o u t . N o w I a r r a n g e d m a n y of these squares r a n
d o m l y in a r e c t a n g l e a r o u n d t h e microfilm p a g e t h a t t h e
w o m a n was g a z i n g at, t o o k my seat, lifted my book, a n d
s n a p p e d t i m e o n for a fraction of a s e c o n d a n d t h e n off again:
s n a p s n a p . T h e n I w e n t over to h e r a n d displaced e a c h square
in a counterclockwise d i r e c t i o n , a g a i n t o o k my seat, a g a i n
s n a p p e d t i m e o n a n d i m m e d i a t e l y off. I d i d this repeatedly,
d o z e n s a n d d o z e n s of times, w a n t i n g to offer h e r a p u l s i n g
m a r q u e e of i m a g e s o n t h e p e r i p h e r y of h e r vision as she r e a d
h e r forties Harper's Bazaars. I m u s t say, t h e work was tedious
in t h e e x t r e m e w h e n e v e r I d o my M o v i n g Psi Squares I feel
n e w r e s p e c t for t h e m o s t primitive of Sesame Street a n i m a t e d
shorts, a n d I ' m awed by H a n n a - B a r b e r a . (Sometimes, w h e n I
have less energy, I e m p l o y j u s t o n e s q u a r e , a face-square o r a
p o r n - s q u a r e , s o m e t h i n g t h a t I think, j u d g i n g by t h e way t h e
w o m a n looks, m i g h t interest her, flashing it for a n instant
every m i n u t e o r so in a different p o s i t i o n o n t h e o p e n p a g e of
t h e b o o k she is r e a d i n g . ) I n t h e p r e s e n t case, t h e w o m a n with
t h e c l o u d y yellow e a r r i n g s sighed a n d lowered h e r h e a d for a
m o m e n t . I s t o p p e d t i m e a n d r e m o v e d all t h e squares a n d p u t
t h e m away, t h e n switched t i m e o n . S h e yawned, t h r o w i n g h e r
h e a d b a c k with h e r h a n d s h e l d b e h i n d h e r neck; t h e n she
p r e s s e d h e r t h u m b h a r d b e t w e e n h e r eyebrows. She t h o u g h t
she h a d b e e n w o r k i n g t o o h a r d , s e e i n g t h i n g s a n d in fact she
h a d b e e n s e e i n g t h i n g s : she h a d b e e n seeing t h e little sexsquares t h a t I was s t r o b i n g i n t o h e r life. I sensed h e r glance
at m e for a m o m e n t . I d i d n ' t look u p : I was p a g i n g in a
leisurely, p r e o c c u p i e d way t h r o u g h M a u r i c e Baring's a c c o u n t
of his years in Sweden. T h e w o m a n yawned a g a i n a n d gath
e r e d h e r t h i n g s . I h a d n o idea w h a t she was thinking. She
walked over to t h e t r a s h c a n beside o n e of t h e o t h e r tables.
62
THE
FERMATA
J u s t before she threw o u t s o m e of t h e Bazaar p a g e s , I s t o p p e d

time a n d p u t my M o n a s t i c o n v i b r a t o r o n t h e t o p of t h e trash,
where she m i g h t s p o t it p e e p i n g o u t of a p a p e r b a g . S h e d i d
see it: she lifted t h e b a g a n d p e e r e d inside, l o o k e d to h e r right
a n d to h e r left, c h e c k e d t h e c o n t e n t s of t h e b a g o n c e m o r e .
W h a t o n e a r t h , she was w o n d e r i n g , was a b r a n d - n e w , m i n t - i n box, sealed-in-plastic v i b r a t i n g d i l d o r e p r e s e n t i n g a C a p u
chin m o n k a n d his clit-fondling m a n u s c r i p t d o i n g in t h e t r a s h
of t h e B o s t o n Public Library? S h e s t o o d t h e r e for a s e c o n d o r
two, p o n d e r i n g w h a t to d o , frowning, a n d t h e n t h e b a g g e d
vibrator w e n t quietly i n t o h e r B o s t o n University b o o k b a g . S h e
walked toward t h e exit. I blew a kiss at h e r back. G o o d luck to
her.
T h a t m i g h t have e n d e d m y generosity for t h e evening, since
t h e library was closing, b u t for t h e fact t h a t as I g o t in line at
the c h e c k o u t desk, a large tall w o m a n a p p e a r e d j u s t in front
of m e . I a m always glad to b e in line b e h i n d a w o m a n , b e c a u s e
I c a n look at h e r freely w i t h o u t m a k i n g h e r u n c o m f o r t a b l e .
This o n e h a d loosely a r r a n g e d , very thick soft h a i r t h a t was
possibly dyed with h e n n a a n y w a y , it was a d e e p r e d - b r o w n
color. S h e was t h e sort of p l u m p p e r s o n w h o p e o p l e say car
ries it well. S h e l o o k e d great. S h e was w e a r i n g a n i n d e t e r m i
n a t e n u m b e r of layers of very loose c l o t h e s with h u g e loose
neck-holes t h a t s l u m p e d overlappingly over o n e a n o t h e r like
t h e eccentric orbits of several c o m e t s o n e n e c k - h o l e was
almost falling off h e r s h o u l d e r , e x p o s i n g s o m e sort of b l u e
bodysuit strap t h a t p r o b a b l y r e p r e s e n t e d t h e d e e p e s t layer. It
was a way of dressing a n d l o o k i n g t h a t I h a d n e v e r u n t i l t h e n
t h o u g h t I liked, b u t o n h e r I felt I c o u l d like it very m u c h . T h e
s h o u l d e r t h a t was partially e x p o s e d h a d lots of s u n freckles o n
it, which m a d e it s e e m u n u s u a l l y s m o o t h a n d t o u c h a b l e , like
s o m e sort of river stone.
63
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B u t it was n o t u n t i l I n o t i c e d t h e b o o k t h a t she was c h e c k i n g

o u t t h a t I was c o m p l e t e l y captivated: she was o n h e r way h o m e
to r e a d s o m e t h i n g called Naked Beneath My Clothes, a fairly
r e c e n t b o o k by a w o m a n s t a n d - u p c o m i c . I've looked at the
b o o k since: it is a s o m e t i m e s funny, okay little b o o k b u t t h e
g r e a t n e s s of it for m e t h e n was its title. F o r years a n d years I
h a d b e e n a m a z e d by j u s t this obvious t r u t h , t h a t we are all
n a k e d b e n e a t h o u r clothes; c o m i n g across a w o m a n in t h e
library h o l d i n g a b o o k w h i c h a n n o u n c e d t h e fact in its title
m a d e m e get t h a t so-sexual-that-it's-not-sexual m e l t i n g feel
ing, as if my knees were n o l o n g e r g o i n g to d o w h a t they were
d e s i g n e d to d o a n d m y balls were g o i n g to d r o o p past t h e m
like toffee a n d h a n g to my ankles, softened by t h e w a r m t h of
my l o n g i n g . I knew t h a t t h e w o m a n h a d j u s t w a n t e d to take
o u t this b o o k b e c a u s e she w a n t e d to l a u g h a n d she h a d b e e n
told it was funny, b u t it h a d this provocative title, a n d now she
was, d e s p i t e h e r r e l a x e d n e s s a b o u t sex, ever so slightly e m b a r
rassed to b e c h e c k i n g it o u t of t h e library.
H e r e m b a r r a s s m e n t was, it s e e m e d to m e , d i r e c t e d forward,
at t h e m a n w o r k i n g t h e c a r d m a c h i n e a spindly n i c e - m a n
n e r e d ugly m a n w h o shaved t o o far d o w n o n t h e sides of his
b e a r d . B u t s h e knew t h a t s o m e o n e was b e h i n d h e r as well, a n d
she c o u l d b e c o n s i d e r i n g t h a t my eyes were o n t h e freckles of
h e r s h o u l d e r , a n d she m i g h t b e able to feel t h e m m o v i n g
d o w n h e r a r m to r e a d t h e title of t h e b o o k again,
Naked
Beneath My Clothesa fact that, b e c a u s e she h e l d t h e book,

was b e i n g asserted n o t as a g e n e r a l t r u t h b u t as a t r u t h specif
ically a b o u t h e r a n d h e r a l o n e , prefixed by a n " I a m . " I very
m u c h w a n t e d to see h e r n a k e d b e n e a t h h e r clothes. A n d of
c o u r s e I c o u l d have easily e n o u g h . Yet I h e s i t a t e d to d r o p into
t h e Fold to r e m o v e all t h o s e layers, since I w o u l d have t r o u b l e
r e m e m b e r i n g h o w they h u n g with s u c h artful sloppiness over
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o n e a n o t h e r w h e n it was t i m e to dress h e r b a c k u p . (She

wasn't, t h a n k God, w e a r i n g t h o s e leggings t h a t t e r m i n a t e in a
bit of lace!) Every curve a n d m o v e m e n t of h e r b o d y cried o u t ,
" I ' m extremely single at t h e m o m e n t a n d I ' m available to
n i g h t to have a d r i n k o r two with a nice m a n w h o will listen
to m e a n d m a k e m e l a u g h . " I knew t h a t she was feeling t h a t
this interval in t h e c h e c k o u t line was h e r last c h a n c e to m e e t
s o m e o n e , a n d I knew t h a t I was at least a b e t t e r c a t c h t h a n t h e
library staffer with t h e unsightly b e a r d .
B u t t h o u g h I was, a m , e x t r e m e l y single, a n d t h o u g h I h a d
suffered a serious attack of loneliness involving a t a p e g u n
only h o u r s before, a n d was p r o b a b l y giving off t h e s a m e r a d s
of availability a n d g e n e r a l i z e d l o n g i n g as she was, I d i d n ' t
strike u p a conversation with her, b e c a u s e I was s m a r t e n o u g h
to know by n o w to s p a r e a w o m a n like this my tentative b u t
occasionally successful p i c k u p t e c h n i q u e , since even if we d i d
go o u t to d i n n e r a few times a n d have a few n i g h t s in b e d , it
would all b e essentially sad, essentially w r o n g . I w a s n ' t t h e sort
of m a n t h a t she really w a n t e d , a n d she w a s n ' t for m e , e i t h e r
t h e r e w o u l d b e a t e m p o r a r y w o n d e r a n d e x c i t e m e n t in t h o s e
loose neck-holes, a n d t h e n t h e differences b e t w e e n u s w o u l d
d o o m u s a n d why d o any of that, w h e n all I really w a n t e d to
know was how, exactly, she was n a k e d b e n e a t h h e r clothes? I
c o u l d i m a g i n e s o m e of t h e u n s e e n h e r in a d v a n c e , h a v i n g
u n d r e s s e d so m a n y w o m e n o n t h e sly in my lifeI'm aware of
certain connoisseurial c o r r e l a t i o n s b e t w e e n t h e type of face a
w o m a n has a n d t h e type of b a c k she has: in fact, I felt t h a t I
h a d a fairly well defined sense of h o w h e r b a c k w o u l d look a n d
feel, h o w h i g h h e r h i d d e n waist was. B u t breasts were always
a wild card, a n d t h e ass, t o o (I m e a n t h e real-world ass, n o t t h e
dirty-magazine ass), was a t h i n g of a billion u n i q u e variations.
I wanted, failing k n o w l e d g e of h e r n a k e d n e s s , simply to
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a n n o u n c e t o her, in a quiet, serious voice, "I a m , t o o . " A n d

w h e n she t u r n e d h e r face to m e in sociable p u z z l e m e n t , I
w o u l d g e s t u r e at h e r b o o k a n d say, clarifyingly, " I m e a n t h a t
I ' m n a k e d , t o o , b e n e a t h . Really, I a m . " Maybe she w o u l d roll
with this l a m e n e s s . O n e of t h e very first times I ever m a d e o u t
with a girl was in a p a r k w h e n I was fifteen: we lay o n a slight
slope, a m o n g m a n y s h o r t conifer trees. Eventually h e r h a n d
u n d i d my p a n t s a n d w e n t i n t o my u n d e r p a n t s , a n d she hoisted
m y m o i s t troika o u t i n t o t h e world a n d left it t h e r e . N e i t h e r
of u s l o o k e d d o w n for a l o n g t i m e I was c o n c e n t r a t i n g o n
m a k i n g h e r c o m e w i t h o u t t a k i n g off h e r j e a n s , which was n o t
all t h a t easy. Finally we gave u p , n e e d i n g real privacy to m a k e
any headway, a n d t h e n we b o t h l o o k e d down, a n d t h e r e was
a sight of m y n a k e d self t h a t I h a d never seen, o r never p a i d
a t t e n t i o n t o a n a l m o s t shockingly awful sight: t h e u l t r a - p a l e
skin of my h o r i z o n t a l i z e d balls was stretched very tight,
s t r e t c h e d to a state of egg-glaze glossiness (because t h e waist
b a n d of m y too-small u n d e r p a n t s was u n d e r n e a t h
them,
p u s h i n g my balls u p ) , a n d it was overwritten with m a n y deli

cate, infantile b l o o d vessels, as in a L e n n a r t Nilsson p h o t o
g r a p h of t h e h e a d of a d e v e l o p i n g fetus.
Andadding
c o n s i d e r a b l y to t h e overall o b s c e n e effectsparse h a i r folli

cles m a d e little white b u m p s in t h e stretched skin. T h o u g h it
was highly u n p l e a s a n t , o r at least u n r o m a n t i c , to look at (my
girlfriend flinched, I think, s e e i n g m o r e of m e t h a n she h a d
b e e n p r e p a r e d for j u s t t h e n ) , I c o u l d n ' t h e l p n o t i n g to myself
with s o m e satisfaction h o w surprisingly s p e r m a t i o u s t h e ballhairs themselves a p p e a r e d , with t h e i r l o n g wispy tails a n d
t h e i r ovoid follicle h e a d s : h a i r - s p e r m s s u r r o u n d i n g t h e egg
like testicles, trying to fertilize t h e m , as if my b o d y were
offering to a n y o n e w h o c a r e d to look its own magnified, t h r e e d i m e n s i o n a l r e p r e s e n t a t i o n of t h e task t h a t my g o n a d s were
p r o g r a m m i n g t h e i r p r o d u c t to p e r f o r m .
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T h e w o m a n in front of m e at t h e library, it n o w o c c u r r e d to
m e , was o l d e r t h a n t h a t sixteen-year-old girlfriend of so l o n g
ago, a n d she m i g h t b e willing to have t h e s t r a n g e r e s e m b l a n c e
between ball-hair a n d s p e r m a t a z o a p o i n t e d o u t to h e r b u t
t h e n a g a i n she m i g h t n o t . So m u c h d e p e n d e d , of c o u r s e , o n
how you p r e s e n t e d t h e i n f o r m a t i o n a t o n e of self-surprised
irrepressibility often w o r k e d best. My ex-girlfriend
Rhody
o n c e h a d a b a r b e c u e a n d invited six o r seven friends over. My

j o b was to get t h e c h a r c o a l to light. S t a n d i n g with m y feet
p l a n t e d far apart, l e a n i n g over t h e small h e m i s p h e r i c a l grill,
I f a n n e d t h e coals so s t r e n u o u s l y a n d rapidly with t h e Arts
section of t h e Globe t h a t m y balls s t a r t e d
flapping
backward
a n d forward in exactly t h e s a m e r h y t h m as my a r m s . It was a

u n i q u e e x p e r i e n c e , to b e a b l e t o feel t h o s e cocktail o n i o n s
to-ing a n d fro-ing with s u c h g u s t o . I s t o p p e d to get m y b r e a t h
a n d as t h e flames grew l o o k e d u p at t h e w o m a n s t a n d i n g n e a r
m e h o l d i n g a d r i n k ( o n e of R h o d y ' s friends from w o r k ) , a n d
I said to her, in a n a m a z e d voice, "My balls a r e actually
flapping.
It's a new e x p e r i e n c e . " S h e n o d d e d sideways, smil
ing, a n d s i p p e d h e r drink; she d i d n ' t s e e m to m i n d m y telling

h e r that. I f a n n e d t h e coals s o m e m o r e a n d t h e n we talked
briefly of b a r b e c u e starter-coils. " B u t y o u s e e m t o like flap
p i n g , " she said. " I w o u l d n ' t w a n t to deprive you of t h a t . " G o d ,
h o w I t r e a s u r e t h o s e little
flirtatious
moments.
T h e b o o k - c h e c k o u t line was n o t short, so I h a d p l e n t y of

time to t h i n k as m a n y sexual t h o u g h t s as I w a n t e d to while I
looked at t h e b l u e s h o u l d e r s t r a p a n d freckled skin of Ms.
H e n n a in front of m e . T h e title of h e r b o o k was e x e r t i n g ever
m o r e r o e n t g e n i z i n g p o w e r over my state of m i n d ; I was a l m o s t
o u t of control. Naked, naked, naked, naked, naked. I w a n t e d so
very m u c h to see h e r b a c k a n d b i g soft b u t t c h e e k s . I i m a g i n e d
h e r face-down o n a m a s s a g e table, with h e r soft h a i r p i n n e d
o u t of t h e way, h e r eyes half closed, d r e a m y from t h e s t e a m
67
NICHOLSON
BAKER
r o o m , a white towel over h e r legs. I w o u l d walk in b e a r i n g a

large white bowl with a g r e e n rim t h a t was filled with quarts
of semi-cool tropical oil a n d a d o z e n o r so stone eggs of
various m a r b l e d colors. I w o u l d set t h e bowl o n a small rolling
table very n e a r h e r h e a d a n d b e g i n to stir a n d t u m b l e t h e
s t o n e eggs slowly with my h a n d s in t h e oil, like a sedated
saladier, so t h a t they clicked a n d clocked against o n e a n o t h e r
a n d against t h e sides of t h e bowl, a n d t h e n I w o u l d let my
h a n d s close a r o u n d two of t h e m , a r e d d i s h o n e a n d a black
o n e with gray a n d violet m a r k i n g s , a n d I w o u l d press these
i n t o t h e muscles of h e r back, o n e i t h e r side of h e r spine,
c u p p i n g t h e m in m y p a l m s . I w o u l d work my h a n d s alternately
as a p u r r i n g cat works its paws, so t h a t t h e s t o n e eggs would
p a l p a t e themselves slowly d o w n h e r back, carrying t h e i r own
oil with t h e m . W h e n they t h r e a t e n e d to g o dry, I w o u l d d r o p
t h e m b a c k in t h e bowl, a n d j o s t l e t h e i r s u b m e r g e d forms
a g a i n with my fingers, a n d I w o u l d select two others; these I
w o u l d a g a i n h o l d against her, m a n i p u l a t i n g t h e m with my
h a n d muscles so t h a t they t u r n e d e n d over e n d u n d e r my
slippery p a l m s . S h e w o u l d try to guess by feel a l o n e what
colors they were: " H m m , I t h i n k t h e left o n e is gray a n d white
s t o n e s h o t with p i n k , " she w o u l d say. B u t n o , it was a quartzy
b l u e . I w o u l d h e l p h e r t u r n over so t h a t she was o n h e r back
a n d I w o u l d t u r n t h e slippery eggs o n h e r h i g h t h i g h muscles
a n d o n e i t h e r side of h e r m o u n d , a n d t h e n I w o u l d have h e r
c h o o s e w h i c h two she w a n t e d inside her. S h e w o u l d pick two
a n d I w o u l d p a l m t h e s t o n e eggs in, so t h a t I c o u l d h e a r t h e
muffled clocking s o u n d s as o n e hit t h e o t h e r , a n d as I p u l l e d
m y h a n d away, she w o u l d b e a r d o w n with h e r muscles a n d I
w o u l d see t h e skin of h e r v a d g e stretch as she gave b i r t h to o n e
of t h e m , like t h o s e w o n d e r f u l m i d n i g h t sea-tortoise egg-lay
i n g scenes o n Nature, w h e r e you c a n see t h e tortoise's vagina
68
THE
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swell a n d stretch over t h e s a n d pit as a n o t h e r e g g a p p e a r s , a n d

it would fall o u t all slick in my h a n d .
T h e m o r e g r a p h i c a n d specific my sexual i m a g e r y grew, t h e
m o r e t h e relatively simple idea of s t r a p p i n g t h e v i b r a t i n g
Butterfly o n t o h e r b e c a m e , by contrast, t a m e a n d g e n t l e a n d
uninvasivethe very least I c o u l d d o for her. H e r neck-holes,
h e r back, h a d t h e definite look of a vibrator-lover, anyway. I
let h e r check o u t h e r b o o k (she a n d t h e library m a n h a d a
m o m e n t of feeling eye contact, as I h a d e x p e c t e d ) a n d walk
o u t o n t o t h e street, a n d t h e n I b r o u g h t t h e universe d o w n a n d
got o u t t h e Butterfly. My p l a n was to p u t it o n h e r as she
walked h o m e , b e c a u s e I t h o u g h t t h a t she w o u l d feel it less,
p e r h a p s , if she was in a state of m o v e m e n t t h a n if she was
sitting down. B u t I h a d to b e sure t h a t it w o u l d n ' t startle
h e r I wasn't i n t e r e s t e d in d i s t u r b i n g h e r o r m a k i n g h e r feel
she was losing h e r sanity. C o n s e q u e n t l y I h a d to test t h e
p r o d u c t o u t o n myself: I kicked off my p a n t s a n d u n d e r p a n t s ,
a n d , p l a c i n g a H a n d i W i p e b e t w e e n t h e p l e a s u r e - n u b b i n s of
t h e m a c h i n e a n d my s c r o t u m so t h a t I w o u l d n ' t b e e x p o s i n g
Ms. H e n n a to any of my g e r m s w h e n I d i d finally s t r a p it o n
her, I s t e p p e d i n t o its straps a n d p u l l e d it snugly in place. I
walked a r o u n d t h e lobby of t h e library with it o n , l o o k i n g at
t h e h i g h c o r n e r s of t h e r o o m a n d c o n c e n t r a t i n g o n w h a t it felt
like. I was surprised to find that, t h o u g h fairly tight, t h e black
straps a r o u n d my ass a n d t h i g h s w e r e n ' t p e r c e p t i b l e at all as
I walked. W h a t was p e r c e p t i b l e , u n f o r t u n a t e l y , was t h e w i d t h
of t h e Butterfly itself b e t w e e n m y t h i g h s . P e r h a p s if t h e b u l k
of my genitalia w e r e n ' t in t h e way t h e device w o u l d have
nestled m o r e comfortably, b u t even t h e n it m i g h t b e instantly
a p p a r e n t to t h e w o m a n t h a t s o m e t h i n g was t h e r e . I recalled
r e a d i n g a news i t e m a b o u t a large w o m a n w h o shoplifted
p o r t a b l e TVs by walking o u t with t h e m b e t w e e n h e r legs; b u t
69
NICHOLSON
BAKER
it w o u l d n ' t d o h e r e to have a s h a p e t h a t t h e w o m a n c o u l d feel

as she walked. B u t all was n o t lostI f o u n d t h a t w h e n I was
sitting d o w n , even with my legs crossed, it was as if t h e r u b b e r y
s h a p e of t h e Butterfly d i d n ' t exist. My b o d y adjusted instantly
to its p r e s e n c e . I p u t t h e two free S o n i c - b r a n d batteries in t h e
p i n k plastic b a t t e r y case a n d t u r n e d t h e dial u n t i l t h e vibra
t i o n started. O n full, t h e noise was appallingly loud. S h e
w o u l d h e a r it. Even at t h e lowest level, which is w h e r e I would
have it w h e n I p u t it o n h e r (so t h a t it w o u l d r e m a i n below t h e
t h r e s h o l d of consciousness, w o u l d b e a vibration t h a t was
p e r c e p t i b l e only as a c h a n g e of m o o d , n o t as a n actual physi
cal signal), it m a d e a s o u n d t h a t was n o t so m u c h a buzz as
a k i n d of low c h u c k l i n g . My only h o p e now, I realized, was t h a t
she w a s n ' t g o i n g to walk h o m e , b u t was g o i n g to take t h e b u s
o r t h e subway, w h e r e t h e transit noise w o u l d m a s k its noise. As
for t h e feeling of t h e Butterfly o n my own e q u i p m e n t : it was
n o t positively u n p l e a s a n t , b u t d i d n ' t feel at all wonderful,
e i t h e r ( m a y b e t h e H a n d i W i p e was p a r t of t h e p r o b l e m ) ,
w h i c h I was o n t h e w h o l e p l e a s e d a b o u t , since it m a d e t h e fact
t h a t w o m e n c o m e so h a r d with vibrators all t h e m o r e mysteri
o u s a n d w o m a n l y a n d different from m a l e p l e a s u r e .
I g o t dressed, got b a c k in line, flipped o n t h e universe, a n d
c h e c k e d o u t m y b o o k s , l o o k i n g at m y watch to m a k e t h e
c h e c k e r - o u t e r hurry. O u t s i d e , I s p o t t e d t h e w o m a n at t h e
c o r n e r of Boylston a n d D a r t m o u t h , w h e r e she was waiting to
cross t h e street. I loitered, h o p i n g t h a t she w o u l d go d o w n t h e
steps to t h e T, which, lucky for m e , she did. I was observing
h e r in t h e shadows; n o b o d y c o u l d see m e a n d so n o b o d y
w o u l d n o t i c e if I s u d d e n l y d i s a p p e a r e d from w h e r e I was
s t a n d i n g . I s t o p p e d t i m e a n d c a u g h t u p with t h e w o m a n . H e r
n a m e , I f o u n d , hastily l o o k i n g t h r o u g h h e r p u r s e , was A n d r e a
A p u l e o , a perfectly r e a s o n a b l e n a m e , t h o u g h like all n a m e s
70
THE
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s o m e t h i n g of a surprise for t h e first few m i n u t e s if you have

h a d t h e o p p o r t u n i t y to develop a n idea of t h e p e r s o n in
advance. She lived in C h e s t n u t Hill. I h o p p e d d o w n t h e stairs
a h e a d of h e r a n d t o o k a seat o n a b e n c h o n t h e p l a t f o r m , so
t h a t w h e n I got o n t h e s a m e train as she d i d she w o u l d n ' t have
any suspicion t h a t I h a d b e e n following her. (I was p r e t t y s u r e
t h a t she h a d n ' t g o t t e n a g o o d look at m e in t h e library.) W h e n
a C train finally showed u p , t e n m i n u t e s later, she t o o k o n e of
the forward-oriented seats a n d I t o o k o n e facing sideways. I
h a d b e e n worried a b o u t A n d r e a ' s bodysuit, t h i n k i n g I m i g h t
have to take it off o r slide it to t h e side, b u t w h e n I b e g a n
p u t t i n g t h e Butterfly o n h e r in t h e F o l d I f o u n d t h a t it w o r k e d
beautifully to h u g t h e device t i g h t against h e r i n n e r d r a p e r y .
It c o u l d b e set very low a n d yet she w o u l d feel s o m e t h i n g . I
shook t h e battery case to awaken it within t h e F o l d a n d t u r n e d
the dial a n d b r o u g h t it d o w n to t h e b a r e s t h i n t of v i b r a t i o n
a n d t h e n I t h o u g h t b e t t e r of it: t h e first t i m e I t u r n e d t i m e o n
in this s e q u e n c e , she s h o u l d j u s t have t h e device s t r a p p e d o n ,
unvibrating, so t h a t h e r b o d y w o u l d get u s e d to its p r e s e n c e .
Over a series of six o r seven time-perversions I gradually in
creased its flutter-level. P r e t e n d i n g t o r e a d , I w a t c h e d h e r . At
a certain p o i n t , she m a d e a p e c u l i a r e x p r e s s i o n t h a t was
clearly p l e a s u r e a n d covertly r e a c h e d d o w n to feel b e t w e e n
h e r legs to find o u t w h a t was g o i n g o n ( n o b o d y was sitting
n e x t to h e r ) : j u s t before she w o u l d have felt t h e s h a p e of t h e
alien Butterfly with h e r h a n d , I s t o p p e d t i m e a n d r e m o v e d it.
Satisfied t h a t t h e r e was n o t h i n g t h e r e , A n d r e a sat back, a n d
w h e n I h a d reinstalled t h e m a c h i n e a n d gradually a c c e l e r a t e d
its vibration with t h e t h u m b dial, as t h e t r a i n a c c e l e r a t e d
between Copley a n d K e n m o r e , she let herself feel g o o d , h e r
h a n d s resting o n t h e back of t h e seat in front o f h e r , h e r h e a d
resting o n t h e black glass of t h e window. S h e w a n t e d to look
71
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BAKER
as if she were h a v i n g a l o n g a n d c o m p l i c a t e d train of m e m o

ries of s o m e t h i n g faintly sad a n d peaceful in t h e distant past,
as if h e r t h i n k i n g were a c c o m p a n i e d by a s o u n d t r a c k of
G r e g o r i a n c h a n t , b u t I c o u l d r e a d t h r o u g h h e r v e n e e r of
i n n e r p e a c e to t h e sexual fizz t h a t was definitely t h e r e . Very
slowly h e r lips p a r t e d a n d h e r m o u t h o p e n e d , o r almost
o p e n e d : h e r lips were only in c o n t a c t in t h e very m i d d l e ,
w h e r e t h e r e was a fuller p a r t . By this t i m e I h a d a b a n d o n e d my
b o o k , u n a b l e to k e e p from l o o k i n g directly at her. T h e train
r h y t h m s o u n d e d like appetitive, appetitive, appetitive,
appetitive.
I n a b o o k called Love Cycles, a b o u t h o r m o n a l r h y t h m s , p a r t s

of w h i c h I have r e a d with g r e a t interest, Winnifred B. C u t l e r
(Ph.D.) cites a study by Sullivan a n d B r e n d e r in a 1986 issue
of Psychophysiology
in w h i c h w o m e n were shown "sexually
s t i m u l a t i n g v i d e o t a p e s " while t h e i r faces were wired with elec

t r o m y o g r a p h i c sensors. Consistently t h e i r zygomatic muscles
( o n e of t h e several sets of smile muscles) c o n t r a c t e d subtly as
they w a t c h e d t h e tapes, a n effect which t h e researchers took
as a n i n d i r e c t m a r k e r of arousal, like p u p i l dilation. Since
r e a d i n g a r o u n d in this b o o k ( a n d I m u s t p o i n t o u t in passing
t h a t Dr. W i n n i f r e d C u t l e r is p h o t o g r a p h e d with a very slight
M o n a Lisa-esque zygomatic smile in h e r j a c k e t p h o t o , a n d
that, a c c o r d i n g to t h e flap, t h e b o o k ' s p u b l i c a t i o n d a t e was
O c t o b e r , t h e m o n t h , says Dr. Cutler, t h a t m a l e h o r m o n e s
r e a c h t h e i r h i g h e s t levels), I h a d b e e n o n t h e l o o k o u t for these
secret zygosmiles, a n d h a d n o t n o t i c e d m a n y b u t I t h i n k t h a t
b e t w e e n C o p l e y a n d K e n m o r e A n d r e a A p u l e o was offering
t h e w o r l d a s t u n n i n g e x a m p l e of o n e right in t h e T.
J u s t as I r e s u m e d t i m e after t u r n i n g t h e Butterfly u p almost
to full, s h e n o t i c e d m e l o o k i n g at her, a n d o u r eyes c a u g h t a n d
laser-locked; I tried to tell h e r with m y look t h a t I u n d e r s t o o d
h o w g o o d it felt, t h o u g h she was d o i n g a t r e m e n d o u s j o b of
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s u p p r e s s i n g it, a n d t h a t I was t h e only o n e in t h e t r a i n w h o

c o u l d see w h a t she was g o i n g t h r o u g h , a n d t h a t I was very
moved to b e able to witness it a n d w o u l d m a k e n o sign to
a n y o n e else of w h a t she was l e t t i n g m e see. I n o d d e d , closing
my eyes, a n d looked at h e r again: giving t h e n o d to h e r a p
p r o a c h i n g clasm. S h e l o o k e d away, u p at t h e ads for t e m p o
rary agencies over t h e windows, a n d t h e n s h e l o o k e d b a c k at
m e , a n d I w a t c h e d h e r p u t h e r lower t e e t h over h e r u p p e r
teeth, h e r eyes g e t t i n g b i g g e r a n d b r o w n e r a n d f u l l e r a n d (I
a m almost sure) she c a m e . T h e n she t o o k a d e e p b r e a t h a n d
g a t h e r e d h e r h a i r in a n O m a d e of h e r forefinger a n d r e l e a s e d
it a n d r e a c h e d d o w n a g a i n tentatively to h e r legs, so t h a t I h a d
to fermate quickly a n d r e m o v e t h e Butterfly from h e r a n d
wipe it off ( u s i n g several W e t O n e s ) a n d p u t it b a c k in t h e case
so t h a t it looked u n u s e d . I p u t it in a b l a n k m a n i l a e n v e l o p e .
T i m e rolling, I smiled at h e r a g a i n , in a wowed, foolish sort of
way, a n d she smiled u n c e r t a i n l y back, n o t q u i t e s u r e h o w to
explain to herself w h a t h a d j u s t h a p p e n e d . At t h e C h e s t n u t
Hill stop she s t o o d a n d passed w h e r e I was sitting. I said,
"Excuse m e ? " a n d h a n d e d h e r t h e v i b r a t i n g Butterfly in its
envelope a n d t h e n t o u c h e d my fingers to my lips. I d i d n ' t get
off at t h a t stop b e c a u s e I d i d n ' t w a n t to u n n e r v e h e r o r s e e m
t h r e a t e n i n g ; I r e a c h e d h o m e a n h o u r later feeling that, in
m a k i n g gifts of two of my sex toys, I h a d t u r n e d t h e day
around.
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CHUNK
OF
this a u t o b i o g r a p h i c a l w o r k n o t s u n k in t h e Fold b u t m o v i n g
forward in " r e a l t i m e " (a t e r m t h a t Rhody, my ex-girlfriend,
h a t e d , t h o u g h , let m e tell you, substitutes are h a r d to c o m e
by), over two weeks of evenings, sitting at my desk in my r o o m ,
s m e l l i n g t h e smell of b u r n i n g d u s t given off by my highintensity l a m p . I t h o u g h t w h e n I b e g a n this recital t h a t I
w o u l d write every w o r d of it in t h e Fold, b u t , like m o s t of t h e
e x t r e m e ideas t h a t I find so e x c i t i n g w h e n I first have t h e m ,
I have h a d to a b a n d o n it in t h e e x e c u t i o n . W r i t i n g is solitary
e n o u g h (especially t h e way I ' m writing now, which is with a set
of e a r b u d s in, listening to music, a n d t h u s existing u n a c c o m 74
THE
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p a n i e d in t h e very m i d d l e of a vast artificial s t e r e o p h o n i c

space, like o n e of t h o s e tiny figures, e a c h a c c o m p a n i e d by its
perfunctory shadow, in a Le C o r b u s i e r d r a w i n g of a n u r b a n
landscape) w i t h o u t intensifying t h e sense of solitude by s t o p
p i n g time. Also, t h e r a d i o stations d o n ' t b r o a d c a s t w h e n t h e
universe is s t o p p e d . A n d f u r t h e r m o r e , writing takes a g r e a t
deal of time. A p a r a g r a p h c a n take a n h o u r ! I've already n o t e d
t h a t I have s p e n t close to two years in t h e Fold: w h i c h m a k e s
m e really thirty-seven, n o t thirty-five, if y o u m e a s u r e m y a g e by
my i n t e r n a l cellular time. W e r e I to a d d to t h a t secret a g i n g
all t h e time I will ultimately s p e n d writing this b o o k , I m i g h t
begin, w o u l d p r o b a b l y b e g i n , to look noticeably o l d e r t h a n
my b i r t h certificate says I a m , a n d I have n o interest in in
verted r e m a k e s of Dorian
Gray.
R e a d i n g over w h a t I've p u t d o w n so far m a k e s m e c o n s c i o u s

of m a n y i m b a l a n c e s a n d omissions, b u t t h e r e isn't t o o m u c h
I can do about them. I do, though, want to point o u t sooner
r a t h e r t h a n later t h a t my sexual life has n o t b e e n entirely
m a d e u p of t h e sorts of F e r m a t i n g activities I j u s t d e s c r i b e d at
the library. R h o d y a n d I h a d g o o d , friendly sex ( t h o u g h I
t e n d e d to talk t o o m u c h t h r o u g h o u t , p e r h a p s ) , r e a l - t i m e sex,
a n d we were t o g e t h e r for l o n g e n o u g h , a little over sixteen
m o n t h s , t h a t we were a b l e to marvel at h o w m a n y i n c r e m e n t a l
variations a c o u p l e c o u l d c o m e u p withvariations so m i n o r
t h a t they c o u l d n ' t really b e codified. It w a s n ' t a q u e s t i o n of
distinct " p o s i t i o n s " b u t ofI d o n ' t knowcrystals g r o w n in
slightly different c o n c e n t r a t i o n s of a r e a g e n t , o r g r o w n in t h e
p r e s e n c e of o n e o r m o r e trace i m p u r i t i e s , o r g r o w n while
subjected to faintly s t r o n g e r o r w e a k e r gravitational
fields.
A n d we did even from t i m e to t i m e try new things, in t h e

t e x t b o o k sexual sense. I c u t a n u n p e e l e d a v o c a d o in half o n e
Sunday, a l o n g its poles, a n d p u l l e d it a p a r t so t h a t o n e half
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h e l d t h e b l u n t , slimy seed. T h o u g h n o t a devotee of food-sex

m i x t u r e s as a g e n e r a l r u l e ( n o t w h i p p e d c r e a m , n o t p e a n u t
b u t t e r , n o t c h a m p a g n e ) , I d o t h i n k avocado flesh is so ex
tremely similar in its slippery b l a n d softness to t h e labial
r h e o l o g y t h a t it m a k e s sense for a w o m a n to c u p half of o n e
in h e r h a n d a n d press it against herself so t h a t t h e b i g n u b of
t h e seed noses at h e r n a t c h o . R h o d y s e e m e d to like it, a n d I
was g u n g - h o , t o o b u t while I was testing o u t o u r new guacam o l e r e c i p e I h a d t h e f u r t h e r idea of c u t t i n g a small h o l e in
t h e a v o c a d o skin a n d stuffing Rhody's electric t o o t h b r u s h at
a n a n g l e i n t o t h e fresh flesh so t h a t t h e b r u s h h e a d was b u r i e d
s o m e w h e r e n e a r t h e seed. T h a t was h o w she g o o d - n a t u r e d l y
c a m e , in fact, a n d c a m e big, h o l d i n g t h e h u m m i n g t o o t h
b r u s h - d r i v e n avocado-half b e t w e e n h e r legs while I played
with t h e wisps of h a i r at t h e n a p e of h e r neck. I r e c o r d this
h e r e in p a s s i n g so t h a t I w o n ' t seem, with all of my s o m e w h a t
a b e r r a n t s n e a k i n g a n d skulking in t h e Cleft, totally devoid of
m o r e typical sexual instincts.
A n d j u s t w h a t w o u l d o t h e r p e o p l e t h i n k of t h e Fermata?
W h a t w o u l d they d o if they were me? A l t h o u g h I have u p to
n o w b e e n a b l e to k e e p my powers a strict secret, I have g o n e
t h r o u g h p e r i o d s w h e n I have b e e n e a g e r to get s o m e idea of
w h a t o t h e r s w o u l d d o in my p l a c e . I a m superstitious, t h o u g h ,
a b o u t d e s c r i b i n g w h a t actually goes o n f e a r i n g , even w h e n
I p u t it hypothetically, t h a t if I c o n j u r e u p t h e possibility in
t o o c o m p l e t e detail for s o m e o n e else it will n o l o n g e r b e my
secret a n d h e n c e m y t e m p o r a l c o m p e t e n c e will leave m e for
everso s u p e r s t i t i o u s in fact t h a t I often instead ask a b o u t
ideas in t h e n e i g h b o r h o o d of my secret, such as w h a t a p e r s o n
w o u l d d o if h e h a d X-ray vision. W h a t w o u l d h e look at if h e
h a d X-ray vision? I h a d a n i n t e r e s t i n g talk with a m a n n a m e d
Bill A s p l u n d h a b o u t this. Bill is o n e of t h e few truly fast-typing
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THE
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n o n - g a y t e m p s I have r u n a c r o s s h e types m u c h faster t h a n

I d o . H e drifted i n t o t e m p i n g while w o r k i n g o n a m a s t e r ' s in
s o m e t h i n g o r o t h e r , as I did, a n d n o w h e g e n u i n e l y likes it. W e
were at a C h i n e s e r e s t a u r a n t o n e t i m e w h e n I asked h i m w h a t
h e would look at if h e h a d X-ray vision. H e was e a t i n g a yellow
curry chicken dish. H e said t h a t t h e first t h i n g h e w o u l d d o
would b e to look t h r o u g h t h e walls while t h e cooks were
m a k i n g u p t h e i r curry p o w d e r , since it was e x t r a o r d i n a r i l y
g o o d curry p o w d e r a n d h e w a n t e d to b e a b l e to d u p l i c a t e it
at h o m e . T h e n h e a d m i t t e d t h a t h e w o u l d p r o b a b l y u s e it to
look at w o m e n . " B u t w h a t p e o p l e d o n ' t t h i n k a b o u t w h e n they
talk a b o u t X-ray vision," h e t h e n said, s u d d e n l y a n i m a t e d , "is
two things. First, w h a t y o u ' r e talking a b o u t is n o t a b l a n k e t
sort of X-ray vision, w h e r e y o u r sight p e n e t r a t e s t h r o u g h any
substance, b u t a very specific sort of X-ray vision t h a t only
goes t h r o u g h clothes. Textile X-ray vision is w h a t we're t a l k i n g
a b o u t . T h a t ' s pretty obvious, b u t p e r h a p s less obviously, t h i n k
a b o u t w h a t y o u ' r e g o i n g to see w h e n y o u see a w o m a n w h o is
w e a r i n g clothes b u t you c a n ' t see t h e clothes she's wearing.
You have this idea t h a t y o u ' r e g o i n g to see h e r with n o clothes
o n , t h a t h e r breasts are g o i n g to b e t h e r e l o o k i n g t h e way they
would look w i t h o u t a b r a o n , b u t r e m e m b e r , s h e has a b r a o n ,
you j u s t c a n ' t see it, so y o u ' r e g o i n g t o see i n d e n t a t i o n s w h e r e
t h e seams are, a n d if it's a p u s h - u p b r a , h e r breasts a r e g o i n g
to look all squished o u t of s h a p e , n o t t h e way y o u i m a g i n e
t h e m at all. A n d t h i n k if she's w e a r i n g s o m e k i n d of s u p p o r t
pantyhose, a n d it's t i g h t y o u ' r e g o i n g to see all this squeez
i n g a r o u n d h e r r e a r e n d a n d stuff like t h a t . Y o u ' r e g o i n g to
see t h e p a n t y lines t h e r e , r e d lines, b u t w i t h o u t t h e p a n t i e s
actually b e i n g t h e r e . "
I a d m i t t e d t h a t h e h a d a p o i n t , b u t c o u n t e r e d t h a t t h e sight
of breasts in a bra, w i t h o u t t h e b r a visible, m i g h t b e k i n d of
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NICHOLSON
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wonderful: if y o u c o u l d see h e r breasts m o v i n g as they would

m o v e in a b r a a n d yet t h e b r a was o u t of t h e p i c t u r e it m i g h t
b e a totally novel k i n d of s e m i - c o n s t r a i n e d m o t i o n n o t even
t h e k i n d of m o t i o n you w o u l d e x p e c t in zero-gravity environ
m e n t s , b e c a u s e t h e u n d e r s i d e s of t h e breasts w o u l d b e h e l d
relatively firmly, within t h e limits of t h e give a n d take of t h a t
p a r t i c u l a r b r a , b u t t h e t o p w o u l d shake a little m o r e w h e r e it
w a s n ' t b e i n g h e l d . M a y b e t h e sight of breasts in invisible bras
w o u l d b e incredible. B u t h e was p r o b a b l y right, I c o n c e d e d ,
t h e n i p p l e s w o u l d p r o b a b l y have t h a t flattened quality of faces
p r e s s e d against p a n e s of glass; a n d w h a t m a k e s t h e sight of
kids s q u i s h i n g t h e i r faces against glass c o m i c is t h a t it takes
away t h e i r " f a c e n e s s " a n d substitutes a sort of m o n s t r o u s
nostrilly p l a n a r e x p r e s s i o n . It w o u l d b e s t r a n g e to see t h e
s h a p e of t h e b r a o u t l i n e d in i n d e n t e d p l u m p back-skin. T h e r e
m i g h t b e s o m e interest, we a g r e e d , in seeing extremely saggy
breasts h o i s t e d u p in a n invisible bra, since t h e idea of sag is
very s t i m u l a t i n g , as is t h e n o t i o n of hoisting.
But, t h o u g h it i n t e r e s t e d m e , w h a t Bill h a d to say a b o u t
X-ray vision d i d n ' t really b e a r o n t h e Fold, so I went a h e a d
a n d d e s c r i b e d to h i m t h e possibility of h a l t i n g t h e universe
a n d r e m a i n i n g m o b i l e oneself, as if t h e idea h a d j u s t o c c u r r e d
to m e for t h e first t i m e . W h a t w o u l d h e d o if h e h a d s o m e
m a c h i n e t h a t c o u l d switch everything off a n d h e was h e r e in
this r e s t a u r a n t ? Bill answered w i t h o u t hesitation t h a t t h e first
t h i n g h e w o u l d d o is g o b a c k to t h e kitchen a n d try to find a n d
c o p y t h e c u r r y - p o w d e r r e c i p e . H i s voice w e n t low a n d h e said
t h a t h e m i g h t even take a little curry p o w d e r , if t h e r e was a lot
of it, h o m e with h i m , l o o k i n g awed at his own wish to thieve.
" O k a y , " I told h i m , " b u t after you h a d all t h e curry you knew
w h a t to d o with, t h e n what? W h a t w o u l d you d o vis--vis t h a t
w o m a n over t h e r e ? " I i n d i c a t e d a b l o n d w o m a n in black
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w h o m h e h a d n o t i c e d with a p p r o v a l earlier. " W o u l d y o u g o

over t h e r e a n d check o u t h e r tits, o r w h a t ? "
"Possibly," h e said. H e asked m e a few m o r e q u e s t i o n s
a b o u t h o w quickly h e w o u l d b e able to switch t i m e o n a n d off.
T h e n h e said, " N o , w h a t I w o u l d p r o b a b l y d o is h i d e o u t so
t h a t I c o u l d watch c o u p l e s I knew. I ' d b e very c u r i o u s to see
t h a t . " His idea surprised m e , since I have a l m o s t n o active
interest in seeing c o u p l e s I know have sex, o r s e e i n g c o u p l e s
at all. I have of c o u r s e seen it from t i m e to t i m e , b u t only in
p u r s u i t of o t h e r sights o r e x p e r i e n c e s . After R h o d y b r o k e u p
with m e , in p a r t over t h e very issue of t i m e - p e r v e r s i o n , s h e
started g o i n g o u t with a n o l d e r divorced m a n , a n d I d i d h i d e
o u t b e h i n d t h e tired gold w i n g c h a i r in h e r b e d r o o m a n d
watch t h e m have sex o n c e o r twice (well, six t i m e s ) a n d t h e
last time in fact I d i d a very very w r o n g t h i n g . R h o d y was o n
h e r knees, with h e r ass way u p in t h e air, licking a n d b i t i n g t h e
pillowcase of t h e pillow she h e l d , w h i c h was our favorite way
for a while, a n d I felt violated a n d h u r t t h a t she w o u l d b e
d o i n g this n o w with h i m , with this divorced c o n s u l t a n t w h o
looked like t h e " b e f o r e " sketch in a N o r d i c T r a c k ad, so I
s t o p p e d time with my fingernail c l i p p e r ( e a c h t i m e I s n i p p e d
a fingernail, t i m e toggled) a n d p u l l e d t h e guy off h e r a n d o u t
of h e r a n d h a u l e d h i m to t h e g a r a g e , w h e r e I tied h i m securely
to a piece of plywood; t h e n I s t a t i o n e d myself in exactly t h e
s a m e position t h a t h e h a d b e e n in, with m y cock inside Rhody,
a n d c l i p p e d t i m e o n , a n d was p l e a s e d to h e a r h e r s u r p r i s e d
c h a n g e of t o n e : " O h yeah! Wow! T h a t ' s g o o d ! Like t h a t ! " I
p u l l e d o u t a n d let my cock rest a g a i n s t h e r t a i l b o n e a n d
pressed d o w n o n it with t h e h e e l of m y h a n d , w h i c h was
s o m e t h i n g we u s e d to d o a lot t h a t she liked, b e c a u s e w h e n I
shot she liked to feel t h e c o m e - t a n g e n t s r e a c h u p h e r back. I
c o u l d sense h e r i m m e d i a t e surprise as I d i d thisCould it
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NICHOLSON
BAKER
be?and j u s t b e f o r e she l o o k e d b a c k to see if it was really m e ,

I s t o p p e d everything a n d got t h e divorced guy o u t of the
g a r a g e a n d p u t h i m b a c k w h e r e h e h a d b e e n a n d stuffed what
was left of his e r e c t i o n b a c k in.
" W h a t ' s w r o n g ? " R h o d y said, as s o o n as I c l i p p e d time o n .
" N o t h i n g , " said t h e divorced m a n . H e tried to p r e t e n d to
b e fucking h e r with a b a n d o n , b u t h e was a l m o s t completely
l i m p by now.
" S o m e t h i n g ' s w r o n g , " said Rhody. " W h a t ' s w r o n g ? "
" I h a d t h e strangest h a l l u c i n a t i o n , " h e said. " I t h o u g h t I
was tied u p against a b o a r d , l o o k i n g u p at t h e skis in t h e
ceiling of t h e g a r a g e . B e y o n d weird. Sorry, b a b y . "
R h o d y c o m f o r t e d h i m . Lying o n t h e b e d with his h a n d s
d o i n g u n p l e a s a n t t h i n g s with his own chest hair, h e b e g a n
d e s c r i b i n g t h e "incredibly vivid" out-of-body e x p e r i e n c e h e
h a d j u s t h a d of b e i n g tied u p , s t a r i n g at t h e skis. Eventually
t h e two of t h e m t i p t o e d giggling off to t h e l a u n d r y r o o m to
find s o m e r o p e a n d t h e ski b o o t s . I left s o o n after.
A n o t h e r p e r s o n I asked, a guy w h o worked for Boston U n i
versity, said that, given t i m e - p e r v e r t e r powers, h e would wan
d e r t h r o u g h w o m e n ' s locker r o o m s for a while; t h e n h e said,
after m u c h h e m m i n g a n d hawing, t h a t h e w o u l d " p r o b a b l y
w a n t to see p e o p l e I k n e w . " T h i s was after I h a d described a
h y p o t h e t i c a l scene in w h i c h s o m e o n e is w a t c h i n g a r e n t e d
copy of Metropolitan
o n his V C R a n d h e really loves it, b u t h e
n e e d s to piss e x t r e m e l y b a d , a n d h e p o i n t s t h e r e m o t e at the
m a c h i n e a n d hits
Metropolitan,
PAUSE,
b u t finds t h a t instead of p a u s i n g
Metropolitan c o n t i n u e s a n d t h e e n t i r e rest of t h e
w o r l d is in a freeze-frameso t h a t t h e r e m o t e - o w n e r has
however l o n g it will take for t h e movie to finish playing to r u n
o u t s i d e i n t o t h e s u s p e n s i o n a n d pry a n d p e e p to his h e a r t ' s
c o n t e n t . As I m e n t i o n e d earlier, I have never h a d any success
80
THE
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with r e m o t e - c o n t r o l keypads, which is exactly why I u s e d a

remote
PAUSE
b u t t o n in t h e scene I offered h i m i t felt far
e n o u g h r e m o v e d from t h i n g s I h a d actually d o n e . I asked o n e

o r two w o m e n as well, a n d o n e of t h e m said she w o u l d b e
e a g e r to see h e r friends h a v i n g sex. " I ' d p r o b a b l y b e grossed
out, b u t I'd want to see it anyway." I felt a little sad t h a t I
d i d n ' t have this t e m p t a t i o n in c o m m o n with m y r e s p o n d e n t s .
O n e o t h e r w o m a n , a p a r a l e g a l at a small firm in a b u i l d i n g
with a statue of Edward C o k e in front, gave m e a l o n g a n d
interesting answer to my q u e s t i o n o n e evening, w h e n we were
working late a s s e m b l i n g t h e d o c u m e n t s in a h u g e r e a l estate
sale-and-leaseback a g r e e m e n t . H e r n a m e was Ariette. W e
walked a r o u n d a n d a r o u n d a c o n f e r e n c e table, p i l i n g o n e
copy of s o m e ancillary a g r e e m e n t o n t o p of a n o t h e r in a
s o o t h i n g r h y t h m , a n d eventually I asked h e r for h e r t h o u g h t s
o n w h a t she w o u l d d o with a
PAUSE
b u t t o n t h a t s t o p p e d life
r a t h e r t h a n videotapes. Let m e try to r e c o r d w h a t she said

exactlyI t o o k a few n o t e s at t h e t i m e . "Well," she said, " I
t h i n k first I w o u l d j u s t sit a n d t h i n k for a while a n d try to
c o m p r e h e n d t h e fact t h a t I was t h e only p e r s o n a r o u n d w h o
was able to move. T h e n I'd p l a n o u t t h e little revengeful
things I c o u l d d o . I ' d b r i n g it to work, definitely. I c o u l d p u t
s o m e of t h o s e D e n n i s o n c o l o r e d d o t s o n S t e p h e n Milrose's
evil face, o n e by o n e . W h i l e h e is sitting t h e r e at T u e s d a y
C o n f e r e n c e , m a k i n g his nasty little c o m m e n t s , s h o o t i n g every
o n e down,
ridiculing
p e o p l e for n o r e a s o n , I ' d pick a word,
s o m e harmless w o r d t h a t h e says a lot, like for i n s t a n c e 'back

side.' Every t i m e h e said t h a t s o m e d e a l o r s o m e client was
g o i n g to ' t u r n a r o u n d a n d bite us in t h e backside,' I ' d hit t h e
PAUSE
b u t t o n a n d stick a yellow d o t o n his face. I w o u l d love
to d o that! T h e y w o u l d a d d u p , too! T h a t w o u l d give m e

e n o r m o u s satisfaction, to see his face fill u p with a r a s h of
81
NICHOLSON
BAKER
dots. N o b o d y w o u l d say a n y t h i n g , b u t h e ' d b e covered. H e

loves to say, T i m e o u t , t i m e o u t . ' I'd b e mercilessevery time
h e said, T i m e o u t , ' m a k i n g t h a t T with his h a n d s , I'd t i m e - o u t
for r e a l a n d stick a little g r e e n d o t o n his face. It would b e
s u c h a screech to see his evil little face get totally covered with
yellow a n d g r e e n dots. So t h a t kind of t h i n g is n u m b e r o n e
p e r f o r m i n g little p r a n k s like t h a t o n t h e t o p two o r t h r e e t r u e
assholes o n this floor. I ' d have to get t h a t o u t of my system.
B u t t h e n I w o u l d have to think, I'd have to t h i n k . . . "
I d i d n ' t say a n y t h i n g , b e c a u s e I d i d n ' t w a n t to prejudice h e r
r e s p o n s e in any d i r e c t i o n .
" W e l l , " s h e said finally, with s o m e decision, " w h a t I t h i n k
of is g o i n g over to M a r k T h a l m e i s e r a n d c h i t c h a t t i n g with h i m
a b o u t s o m e t h i n g o r o t h e r , a n d while h e ' s l o o k i n g at m e a n d
b l i n k i n g innocently, I'd p a u s e h i m r i g h t in t h e m i d d l e of o n e
of his blinks a n d s t a n d over h i m a n d take o u t my b o o b s a n d
sort of fluff t h e m in his eyes. First I'd take a b i g p o w d e r puff
a n d get t h e m all p o w d e r e d u p , a n d t h e n I'd fluff my nipples
in his eyes. T h a t w o u l d b e f u n . "
" W o u l d t h a t b e classed as a n act of revenge, o r a n act
r e s u l t i n g from sexual a t t r a c t i o n ? " I asked her.
" B o t h . M a r k is sex o n wheels, in a way. H i s wife is sex o n
wheels, t o o . " S h e l o o k e d at m e significantly.
"Yes?" I said, s t r e t c h i n g t h e w o r d o u t .
"Yes. I d o n ' t really like Mark, I like Mark's wife. WellI like
t h e m b o t h . S h e h a s t h e best mouth. It's sort of like Leslie
C a r o n ' s m o u t h . N o h e r e ' s w h a t I w o u l d d o if I h a d a r e m o t e
t h a t freezes t h e world. I'd b e in a florist's s h o p , a n d Kari
T h a l m e i s e r w o u l d c o m e in to get s o m e c u t
dresses beautifully,
flowers.
She
in a n expensive l o u n g e y wayyellow
p a n t s a n d t h a t k i n d of t h i n g b u t she pulls it off. She would

lean into the
flower-cooler
to smell a b u n c h of flowers, cold

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THE
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flowers, a n d I w o u l d p a u s e h e r as she's smiling, with h e r eyes

closed, b r e a t h i n g in t h e scent of s o m e really filthy-looking
flower. O r n o , b e t t e r yet, s o m e b u n c h of n i c e s i m p l e p r e t t y
flowers, like c a r n a t i o n s . W h a t e v e r t h e flower is, I m o v e it aside
after h i t t i n g t h e r e m o t e , b e c a u s e it's my t u r n , Kari T h a l m e i s e r ,
a n d I adjust t h e wire shelf o n t h e c o o l e r so t h a t it's j u s t below
h e r chin, a n d I like c l i m b u p o n it, get u p o n my heels, a n d
spread my b i g solid m e g a - t h i g h s wide o p e n for h e r , so she's
half a n inch from this giant, s o p p i n g , sloppy, juicy, d r i p p i n g
flowerbox
of m i n e . I c a n feel t h a t I ' m d r i p p i n g all over t h e
blossoms t h a t are in t h e vases o n t h e floor of t h e cooler. T h e

metal is cold o n m y ass. I see h e r m o u t h , t h a t Leslie C a r o n
m o u t h , smiling at t h e smell of t h e flowers, h e r eyes closed, a n d
t h a t makes m e jill at myself really fast. W h e n I ' m j u s t a b o u t to
flip a n d I c a n ' t s t o p myself, I h o l d t h e b a c k of h e r h e a d a n d
I j a m h e r face i n t o my j u i c e - b o x a n d I hit t h e r e m o t e so t h a t
time flashes o n for h e r for j u s t a half a s e c o n d . T o o q u i c k for
h e r to know. As I start c o m i n g I ' m merciful a n d I p a u s e h e r
again a n d I j u s t c o m e a n d c o m e a n d c o m e against h e r b e a u t i
ful l i p s a n d even against h e r n o s e , h e r n o s e w o u l d b e j u s t
right for my clit. Yeah, I ' d h o l d h e r e a r l o b e s a n d p u l l h e r face
into m e until I'd h u m p e d every little come-kick o u t of my
hips, a n d t h e n I'd c l i m b o u t of t h e c o o l e r a n d p u t everything
back w h e r e it was, all t h e nice pretty c a r n a t i o n s a n d baby's
b r e a t h a n d shit, a n d I'd carefully d a b at h e r p r e t t y face with
s o m e floral tissue, b e c a u s e we w o u l d n ' t w a n t p r e t t y Kari to
look like s h e ' d b e e n e a t i n g a w a t e r m e l o n . I ' d s p e n d a c o u p l e
of m i n u t e s fixing h e r lipstick. T h e n I ' d start t h i n g s u p a g a i n
a n d I'd go, 'Wull, Kari T h a l m e i s e r , h o w a r e you!' "
" I n t e r e s t i n g ! " I said, enjoying Arlette's filth. " C o u l d n ' t you
spread those t h i g h m a s t e r s for m e ? S h o w m e t h a t b i g fat
Georgia O'Keeffe?"
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NICHOLSON
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" N e v e r , " said Ariette. W e l a u g h e d b e c a u s e it was so obvious

a n impossibility. N e i t h e r of us w a n t e d t h e o t h e r , b u t we did
w a n t to get close to w h a t we really w a n t e d by talking a b o u t it.
I p u s h e d my glasses u p o n my n o s e Clark Kentishly, forgetting
t h a t I was in a p e r i o d w h e r e p u s h i n g my glasses u p actually did
t r i g g e r a t i m e - s t o p p i n g D r o p . O u t of curiosity, realizing I'd
t r i g g e r e d a D r o p , I slipped m y h a n d s u n d e r i m m o b i l e Ar
iette's skirt to see if t a l k i n g a b o u t Kari T h a l m e i s e r h a d m a d e
h e r detectably wet. It h a d n o t . H e r idea was to h e r at t h a t
m o m e n t n o m o r e t h a n a verbal flourish, a r h e t o r i c a l bit of
self-displayher e x u b e r a n t p l e a s u r e was in b e i n g cheerfully
s h o c k i n g as m u c h as it was in really feeling t h e sexual c h a r g e
of h e r
flowershop-idyll.
B u t I h a d t h e s t r o n g suspicion t h a t
t h e r e w o u l d b e a r e s i d u a l effectthat w h e n she got h o m e

from work she w o u l d t h i n k a g a i n a b o u t Kari a n d t h e flowerc o o l e r a n d , w i t h o u t t h e distraction of my b e i n g t h e r e as a n
a u d i e n c e , would allow herself to b e c o m e worked u p by it, a n d
I f o u n d t h a t I w a n t e d very m u c h to see t h a t h a p p e n .
So I followed h e r h o m e , p u s h i n g u p o n my glasses w h e n it
was necessary, as w h e n I s l i p p e d p a s t h e r as she was frozen in
t h e act of o p e n i n g h e r d o o r . S t a n d i n g silently in out-of-sight
c o r n e r s a n d closets, I w a t c h e d h e r take off h e r work clothes
a n d sit at h e r k i t c h e n table in h e r sweats e a t i n g a bowl of rice
with soy s a u c e while she w a t c h e d t h e news. W h e n she h a d
finished
h e r rice, s h e b e g a n t u g g i n g a n d twirling h e r p u b i c
hair. S h e t a p p e d h e r m i d d l e
finger
to h e r o p e n i n g a n d
smelled it. A n d t h e n she w e n t to t h e b e d r o o m . It was almost

d a r k by t h e n . S h e h a d a solidly sexy
field-hockey-playing
sort
of body. N o s n a k e t a t t o o s anywhere; n o p i e r c e d body-parts.

S h e m a d e herself c o m e twice, first with h e r fingers, wrongways
a r o u n d in t h e b e d with h e r feet o n t h e wall, o n e
fingernail
tickling t h e f r u s t u m of h e r ass, a n d t h e s e c o n d t i m e with h e r

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THE
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H i t a c h i v i b r a t o r a n d t h e s e c o n d t i m e h e r eyes were closed in

bliss a n d h e r left a r m was t h r o w n sideways o n t h e b e d , so t h a t
h e r h a n d , p a l m u p , was o u t in m i d a i r , l o o k i n g as if it w a n t e d
s o m e t h i n g to h o l d . I p u s h e d u p m y glasses, s t o p p i n g events in
progress, a n d e m e r g e d from t h e shadows of t h e o p e n closet
a n d knelt so t h a t my b i g silent dim-witted dick h u n g n e a r this
u p t u r n e d p a l m . I w a n t e d to close my h a n d s a r o u n d h e r h a n d ,
a r o u n d my dick. It was as if h e r d e s c r i p t i o n of w h a t she w o u l d
impermissibly d o with Kari T h a l m e i s e r m a d e it okay for m e to
give h e r a h a n d f u l of myself u n a s k e d , t h o u g h of c o u r s e I k n e w
t h a t it really d i d n ' t . T h e r e is n o t h i n g so sexy as s e e i n g a solid
y o u n g dyke c o m i n g with h e r legs b e n t in a d i a m o n d s h a p e ,
feet together, a n d o n e of t h o s e H i t a c h i c a m p i n g flashlights,
those H i t a c h i h u g e - e y e d d e e p - s e a exotic fishes, d o i n g its
b l u n t tireless t h i n g in h e r M a r i a n a s T r e n c h . I risked b e i n g
seen, e m b o l d e n e d by h o w l o u d t h e v i b r a t o r was, t i m i n g m y
mastur-strokes to t h e s h a k i n g of h e r k n e e s a n d t h e s o m e w h a t
Zen-like w h o o s h i n g of h e r b r e a t h i n g , a n d w h e n s h e b e g a n to
c o m e for t h e s e c o n d t i m e I did in fact s t o p t i m e for a n i n s t a n t
a n d laid my dick in h e r p a l m a n d closed m y fist a r o u n d h e r
fist, a n d squeezed o n it so tightly my knuckles t u r n e d yellow,
sliding within my skin in a n d o u t of h e r grip. As t h e i n e x o r a
bility of my clasm b e g a n I p u l l e d d o w n o n m y glasses so t h a t
she a n d I were living coterminously, a n d as s h e c a m e I re
leased one-liners of s p e r m u p h e r f o r e a r m a n d t h e n s q u e e z e d
the last semi-painful d r o p l e t s of m y o r g a s m o u t o n h e r c u r l e d
fingers. I let h e r j u s t b e g i n t o register t h e fact of m y c o o l i n g
slime o n h e r a r m after she finished c o m i n g herself before I
s t o p p e d t i m e a n d toweled h e r off a n d left. T h e n e x t day she
looked at m e o d d l y s h e said, " W e r e y o u . . . ?" a n d " D i d
you . . . ?" a n d t h e n s t o p p e d . I said, " W a s I w h a t ? " s m i l i n g
innocently. S h e d i d n ' t p u r s u e it.
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NICHOLSON
BAKER
N o w t h a t I have r e c o r d e d it h e r e , it seems to m e t h a t Arlette's flowershop story a n d m y b e h a v i o r in h e r a p a r t m e n t

afterward m a y m a r k t h e e n d of o n e p h a s e of my Fold-life a n d
t h e b e g i n n i n g of a n o t h e r . I was always, o r a l m o s t always, quite
careful, even p a i n s t a k i n g , in my sexual a d v e n t u r e s in t h e Fold
u p u n t i l t h e n , b u t Arlette's recklessness liberated m e , at least
to a d e g r e e . I still revere t h e w o r d " p a i n s t a k i n g , " as I always
h a v e I p r o n o u n c e it a n d t h i n k of it as if it were divisible into
" p a i n " a n d "staking," because the "staking" contributes a
tweezery sort of p u s h - p i n n e d delicacy to t h e c o n n o t a t i o n a n d
is in its p o i n t e d n e s s t h e secret r e a s o n for t h e w o r d ' s success,
even t h o u g h technically it merely m e a n s t a k i n g p a i n s , o r ex
e r t i n g oneself. B u t s o m e t i m e s w h e n I ' m r e c o r d i n g detailed
n o t e s as I r e m o v e a w o m a n ' s clothes ("left b r a strap fallen" o r
" p a n t i e s inside o u t a n d w o r k e d partway i n t o asscrack") so
t h a t I will b e s u r e to r e p l a c e everything perfectly, j u s t as it was,
I feel a g u r g l e of Arlette's joyful who-gives-a-fuckness working
in m e , a n d I w a n t to strip t h e e n t i r e city of B o s t o n a n d m o u n d
all t h e clothes t o g e t h e r in t h e m i d d l e of W a s h i n g t o n Street
a n d d a n c e o n t o p of t h e m s c r e a m i n g , " W e ' r e totally fucking
n a k e d , w e ' r e totally fucking n a k e d ! " o r failing t h a t (since
s u d d e n w i d e s p r e a d big-city n u d i t y c o u l d lead to r a p e s a n d
o t h e r u n f o r e s e e n t u r b u l e n c e ) , I m i g h t w a n t to strip everyone
in a n idyllic small town like N o r t h a m p t o n a n d see how they
w o u l d adjust to it. T h a t a c t o r o n Unsolved Mysteries c o u l d d o
a nice twenty-minute segment about the eventthe Quiet
Little C o l l e g e T o w n T h a t S t r i p p e d . N o b o d y w o u l d c o n n e c t it
to m e a n d m y S o l o n o i d . Since Ariette, I have t a k e n m a n y
m o r e risks; I have increasingly w a n t e d to give t h e world s o m e
t h i n g to d i g e s t s o m e t h i n g b i g a n d a n a r c h i c a n d sloppy b u t
n o t (I h o p e ) h a r m f u l o r even particularly e m b a r r a s s i n g in any
p e r m a n e n t way to t h e individuals c o n c e r n e d . Probably my
86
THE
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decision to assemble s o m e t h i n g o n p a p e r a b o u t m y life flows

in p a r t from this u r g e .
B u t I d o have limits a n d hesitations. O n l y a few days after
my e v e n i n g c h a t with Ariette, I was waiting in t h e lobby of t h e
s a m e b u i l d i n g for a c a b to show u p . It was a b o u t eleven at
night. A H a m m e r m i l l b o x full of b a c k u p d o c u m e n t s was to b e
p u t in a c a b to go o u t to a p a r t n e r ' s h o u s e . ( T h e p a r t n e r was
sick b u t , g o o d m a n , p l a n n i n g to work all n i g h t . ) T h e c a b was
delayed. Every so often I s p o t t e d a r a t m o v i n g fast across t h e
plaza in t h e dark. T h e security g u a r d was in a chatty m o o d . I
knew h i m slightly. H e was in his forties, with s o m e serious
d e n t a l p r o b l e m s . O n c e , w h e n I h a d s t o p p e d t o say hello for a
second, h e h a d raved a b o u t a piece of m u s i c o n his r a d i o
"Listen to this, I j u s t love it! I wish I knew w h a t it was. It's
m i n t ! " p r o u d of himself for his s u d d e n affinity for w h a t h e
took to b e R a c h m a n i n o f f o r B r u c k n e r o r s o m e b o d y . I listened
for a p h r a s e o r two a n d i n q u i r e d w h e t h e r it w a s n ' t t h e t h e m e
from Love Boat. His face w e n t t h r o u g h a m a l e m e n o p a u s e as
h e realized t h a t I was right a n d t h a t his a t t e m p t to d e m o n
strate his c u l t u r e h a d b e t r a y e d h i m i n t o h u m m i n g e n t h u s i a s
tically a l o n g with a tired old T V show. So in a g e n e r a l way I
t h o u g h t I liked h i m . While I was w a i t i n g for t h e c a b , I d e c i d e d
to ask h i m w h a t h e w o u l d d o if h e h a d a r e m o t e - c o n t r o l device
that, instead of p a u s i n g a video, froze t h e e n t i r e universe. H e
u n d e r s t o o d t h e sexual i m p l i c a t i o n s of w h a t I was asking im
mediately.
" W h a t would I d o ? " h e said. " I ' d find t h e nicest, bestlooking chick I c o u l d find a n d rip h e r clothes off a n d p l a n k
h e r right t h e r e . "
I was a little t a k e n aback. " B u t she w o u l d n ' t b e m o v i n g . Y o u
would really fuck h e r ? "
H e said absolutely h e would. " I ' d find t h e nicest, m i n t e s t
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chick I c o u l d find a n d carry h e r off to a n alley a n d r i p h e r

clothes off a n d start h a m m e r i n g t h e shit o u t of h e r . "
" B u t she w o u l d n ' t b e r e s p o n d i n g ! " I a g a i n protested.
" S o what? I ' m t a l k i n g a b o u t a m i n t chick now, a really m i n t
chick. If s h e was m i n t I w o u l d n ' t care if she was moving. O r ,
okay, if she w a s n ' t m o v i n g , I ' d j u s t click t h e r e m o t e o n for a
s e c o n d , a n d s h e ' d start fighting a little, a n d t h e n s h e ' d b e
m o v i n g , a n d t h e n I ' d t u r n h e r off a n d I'd h a m m e r o n h e r
some more."
" B u t t h e n she's fighting y o u , " I said. " T h a t ' s r a p e . "
"Well, yeah, it's r a p e , I g u e s s , " h e said. "Call m e a sick
f u c k e d - u p guy, b u t t h a t ' s w h a t I w o u l d d o . N o w my friend
Jerry, h e ' s a ladies' m a n . H e p r o b a b l y w o u l d n ' t shove it in a n d
start w h a l i n g o n her. H e ' d p r o b a b l y e a t h e r o u t , suck o n h e r
tits a n d all t h a t . "
" B u t t h a t ' s n o t really right, e i t h e r , " I said, feeling increas
ingly c o n f u s e d a n d u n h a p p y .
" I k n o w , " h e said. " O r m a y b e h e ' d j u s t look at her, I d o n ' t
know."
" I s u p p o s e it's all basically e q u i v a l e n t , " I said, t h i n k i n g o u t
l o u d . " I m e a n , u n b u t t o n i n g o n e b u t t o n is j u s t as bad, since
it's d o n e w i t h o u t h e r say-so. B u t I d o n ' t really believe that, for
s o m e r e a s o n . I t h i n k t h e r e are levels to it. I personally would
just undress her."
" W h a t , u n d r e s s h e r a n d p o u n d y o u r p u d , m a n ? " h e cried.
" Y o u ' d j u s t u n b u t t o n a few b u t t o n s a n d c a t c h a bit of tit a n d
go, O h , sorry I h a d to lay a h a n d o n you, a n d t h e n y o u ' d
fucking masturbate,
m a n ? W h a t a waste! I'd fucking j u m p in
t h e r e . I ' d fucking y a n k t h e r e m o t e from you a n d start w h a l i n g

o n h e r . W h a t ' s t h e difference? As far as I c a n see there's n o
difference b e t w e e n j u s t t e a r i n g h e r clothes off a n d h a m m e r
ing on her."
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" I guess n o t , essentially," I said. A b r o w n a n d white c a b

drove slowly by b u t it d i d n ' t s t o p . " S t i l l t h e r e s h e is s t a n d i n g
t h e r e , in a certain position, n o t m o v i n g . S h e ' s dry! H o w c o u l d
you possibly w a n t to fuck h e r ? "
"Easy, I'd j u s t m o v e h e r a r m s a r o u n d , adjust h e r legs."
"But, I ' m telling you, she's dry!" I was trying to give h i m
every c h a n c e to r e c o n s i d e r a n d retract.
"All right. Say I see this i n c r e d i b l e chick c o m i n g o u t of
NAPA."
" O u t of w h a t ? " I asked.
" O u t of NAPA. A u t o p a r t s . I h a u l h e r t o t h e alley, I r i p h e r
clothes off, a n d I try to stick it in her, a n d she's a little dry,
right? T h e n I n o t i c e t h a t t h e r e ' s s o m e fucking grease in t h e
b a g she's carrying, this t u b e of axle grease she's b o u g h t for
h e r h u s b a n d , right? I squeeze s o m e of t h a t o n m y cock a n d I
fuck h e r with t h e h e l p of that, a n d t h e n I leave h e r t h e r e , a n d
she wakes u p , a n d s h e goes, W h a t t h e fuck? O r n o , I dress h e r
back u p , a n d I p u t h e r b a c k w h e r e she was in front of t h e
store, a n d I take off, a n d I click t h e r e m o t e , a n d she's t h e r e o n
t h e street, a n d t h e r e ' s this t i n g l i n g in h e r c u n t , a n d she goes
to wipe herself later, a n d this fucking black grease s m e a r s all
over h e r h a n d , a n d she thinks, W h a t t h e fuck is g o i n g o n
here?"
" I d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d why you have to h a u l h e r off to a n
alley," I said. " W h y n o t right t h e r e in front of t h e N A P A
store?"
H e looked at m e as if I was u n a b l e to u n d e r s t a n d t h e
obvious. "I c o u l d never d o it o n t h e street. I c o u l d n ' t d o it in
public. Even t h o u g h everyone's frozen stiff. W i t h my luck, o n e
guy's eyeball w o u l d still b e m o v i n g a r o u n d , a n d h e ' d see m e
a n d h e ' d b e a b l e to give a positive I D . I'd h a u l h e r off s o m e
where secluded a n d h o s e t h e shit o u t of h e r u n t i l m y dick was
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sore. T h e n I ' d start t h i n k i n g a b o u t s o m e b a n k s . " H e got a

faraway look, i m a g i n i n g it all. " A h - h a h , b u t what if I click o n
t h e r e m o t e while I ' m fucking h e r , so she fights m e a little, a n d
she sees my face? W h a t d o I d o t h e n , h u h ? W h a t d o I d o
then?"
" Y o u d o n ' t m e a n y o u ' d kill her, d o y o u ? " I said, with s o m e
a c t u a l h o r r o r in m y voice. " A r e you m a r r i e d ? "
"Yeah, I ' m m a r r i e d . " O n c u e , h e b r o u g h t o u t a family
p h o t o of his wife a n d o n e b l o n d kid a n d o n e infant a n d
displayed it p r o u d l y . T h e n h e said, " N o , I w o u l d n ' t kill her.
Actually you k n o w what? I ' d r a t h e r b e invisible, t h e n I'd j u m p
o n t h e chick a n d h o s e h e r while she was fighting m e t h e whole
t i m e . I w o u l d n ' t care, why w o u l d I c a r e ? "
" T h a t ' s r a p e , " I said a g a i n .
" R i g h t , " h e said.
"Okay, b u t now, say it was s o m e o n e you knew."
" A chick I k n e w ? "
" R i g h t , " I said. " S o m e o n e you really t h o u g h t was b e a u t i
ful."
" S o m e o n e I ' d always w a n t e d to fuck a n d s h e ' d t u r n e d m e
down?"
" O k a y , y e a h , " I said.
" I ' d p r o b a b l y kiss h e r before I h o s e d t h e shit o u t of her. I'd
hit t h e r e m o t e a n d I ' d say, 'You t u r n e d m e down, b u t y o u ' r e
m y p u p p e t now.' " T h e n h e h a d a f u r t h e r t h o u g h t . " N o , okay,
say if she was a nice girl, a really nice girl. Say I go after her,
t h i n k i n g I ' m g o i n g to h o s e her, a n d I hit t h e b u t t o n o n the
r e m o t e a n d freeze h e r , a n d t h e n I ' m s t a r t i n g to g r a b h e r tit o r
s o m e t h i n g , a n d s o m e t h i n g c o m e s over m e , a n d I c a n ' t go
t h r o u g h with it, even t h o u g h I w a n t to so b a d , a n d a b i g tear
r u n s d o w n m y face, a n d I say, 'I c o u l d have h a d you, b u t I let
you g o . ' Right? T h a t w o u l d b e a real tearjerker. A n d I take off.
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B u t firstmint!this w o u l d b e mint!first I write my p h o n e

n u m b e r o n h e r tit. Right? T h a t ' s w h a t I w o u l d d o in m y
i m a g i n a t i o n , b u t I ' m telling you w h a t I w o u l d d o for real,
right? I'd go after s o m e b o d y I always t h o u g h t was great-look
ing, like this chick I know from h i g h school, C h r i s t i n e h e r
m o t h e r is fucking fantastic. H e r m o t h e r is nice. Yeah, W h e e l
ers' is p r o b a b l y t h e first h o u s e I ' d g o t o I ' d h o s e t h e shit o u t
of Christine's m o t h e r , t h e n I ' d h o s e t h e shit o u t of C h r i s t i n e . "
I was distressed by this conversation with t h e security g u a r d .
I felt t h a t h e a n d I were radically different sorts of p e o p l e (a
realization t h a t c a n b e in itself dispiriting, b e c a u s e you w a n t
the rest of r a n d o m l y e n c o u n t e r e d h u m a n i t y to b e c o m p r e
h e n s i b l e ) , b u t at t h e s a m e t i m e I felt t h a t a case c o u l d b e
m a d e for o u r f u n d a m e n t a l likeness, a n d I really d i d n ' t w a n t to
b e like h i m . Morally, I am different f r o m t h a t security g u a r d
n o , let's n o t mess a r o u n d : morally, I ' m a little b e t t e r t h a n h e
is. I a m . B u t I a c k n o w l e d g e t h a t s o m e of t h e t h i n g s I have
d o n e a r e l e t m e j u s t say itrape-like acts t h a t s o m e observ
ers w o u l d c o n d e m n m o r e v e h e m e n t l y t h a n they w o u l d c o n
d e m n t h e security g u a r d ' s offhand r e m o t e - c o n t r o l fantasies,
because I s h o u l d k n o w better, a n d b e c a u s e , in m y own case,
they really h a p p e n e d .
B u t I m e n t i o n t h e security g u a r d , a n d A r i e t t e t h e p a r a l e g a l ,
a n d my friend Bill A s p l u n d h , n o t so as to raise t h e fretful
subject of r a p e theory. I j u s t w a n t to p o i n t o u t w h a t I t h i n k is
my o w n oddity: unlike any of t h o s e I q u e s t i o n e d , w h a t I w a n t
to d o , a n d w h a t I in fact e n d u p d o i n g , in t h e F o l d is t o live
o u t my p e r e n n i a l wish to insert s o m e novelty i n t o t h e lives of
w o m e n . Ariette w a n t e d to m a s h h e r clit-folds i n t o t h e life of
a w o m a n ; t h e security g u a r d w a n t e d to insert his smallm i n d e d dick i n t o t h e lives of w o m e n ; b u t I d o n ' t w a n t to b e
quite t h a t direct. I n s t e a d I r e p l a c e t h e white c h a l k in Miss
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D o b z h a n s k y ' s h a n d with b l u e ; I p u t t h e fortune-cookie for

t u n e u n d e r o n e of Joyce's bottles; I leave t h e vibrator where
t h e w o m a n in t h e library c a n find it. I a m still i m p o s i n g my
will o n t h e i r lives, of c o u r s e b u t I w a n t to a r r a n g e things so
t h a t they discover m y i m p o s i t i o n , a n d I w a n t t h e imposition,
however calculated, to have a n e l e m e n t of s i m u l a t e d fortuity.
I ' m captivated by t h e s i m p l e i d e a of p u t t i n g s o m e t h i n g in t h e
p a t h of a w o m a n , so t h a t she c a n c h o o s e to look at it o r r e a d
it, or, o n t h e o t h e r h a n d , c h o o s e to walk o n by. I n college I
b o u g h t f o u r b r a n d - n e w copies of Kinflicks a n d left t h e m o n e
by o n e o n a sidewalk n e a r a g i n g k o tree in front of o n e of t h e
f r e s h m a n d o r m s so t h a t w o m e n o n t h e i r way to class w o u l d see
t h e m a n d b e n d to pick t h e m u p a n d take t h e m off with t h e m .
(A w o m a n i n my o w n d o r m h a d told m e t h a t t h e b o o k was very
" o r g a s m y " I h a d n ' t r e a d it t h e n , a n d still haven't.)
W h i c h b r i n g s m e at last to m y own self-published erotica, o r
" r o t . " A while back, while I was lying o u t in t h e s u n in my yard
o n a b e a c h towel, I b e c a m e i n t e r e s t e d in t h e idea of u s i n g t h e
Fold to have a w o m a n e n c o u n t e r my very own words. T o o
u n d i s c i p l i n e d to write simply for t h e p l e a s u r e of writing, I
n o n e t h e l e s s felt a b l e to write as l o n g as it served sorrie specific
sexual e n d . A t first I i m a g i n e d h o v e r i n g at a b o o k s t o r e a few
shelves away from a w o m a n w h o a p p e a l e d to m e : as she p u l l e d
a b o o k off t h e shelf a n d b e g a n to flip t h r o u g h it ( s o m e t h i n g
like Eva Figes's Light),
I w o u l d f e r m a t e a n d inscribe dirty
messages in t h e m a r g i n s , like " I n e e d a b i g j u m p i n g clit u n d e r

m y t o n g u e right now!" T h e n I ' d watch h e r r e a d my a n n o t a
t i o n a n d shake h e r h e a d with disgust a n d r e p l a c e t h e book.
B u t m a y b e she w o u l d n ' t r e p l a c e t h e book; m a y b e she would
b u y t h e b o o k anyway; m a y b e she was in fact in t h e b o o k s t o r e
l o o k i n g n o t for a copy of Eva Figes's Light b u t for a live n u d e
t o n g u e o n h e r j u m p i n g clit; m a y b e my m a r g i n a l i a w o u l d b e
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taken by h e r as a p o r t e n t of sexually fructifying times to c o m e .

O d d l y e n o u g h , I d i d n ' t act o n this r a t h e r c r u d e i d e a u n t i l
quite recently, b e c a u s e t h e t h o u g h t of v a n d a l i z i n g a t r a d e
p a p e r b a c k with p o r n o g r a p h i c graffiti m a d e m e sad: a wheel
c h a i r - b o u n d art-history t e a c h e r in college o n c e gave a n im
pressive s e r m o n o u t of t h e u n p a r a l y z e d side of his m o u t h o n
t h e viciousness of writing in b o o k s o n e d i d n ' t own, a n d I t o o k
it to heart. A few m o n t h s a g o , however, I tried t h e idea o u t o n e
evening at t h e W a t e r s t o n e ' s b o o k s t o r e o n Exeter. A finely
c o n s t r u c t e d w o m a n of thirty in a black c u r l - n e c k e d c o t t o n
sweater with gray sleeves s t o o d in t h e fiction section a n d
p u l l e d a copy of s o m e t h i n g called Paradise Postponed by J o h n
M o r t i m e r off t h e shelf. It was a r e d p a p e r b a c k . I h a d n ' t r e a d
it, t h o u g h I'd h e a r d of J o h n M o r t i m e r . S h e g l a n c e d at t h e
back, t h e n flipped to t h e first p a g e , t h e n s k i p p e d to s o m e
w h e r e in t h e m i d d l e , w h e r e a scene c a u g h t h e r eye. S h e r e a d
for a few seconds, a n d t h e n she d i d w h a t I was h o p i n g she
would d o : s h e c u r l e d t h e c o r n e r of t h e p a g e u n d e r h e r finger
tip so t h a t she w o u l d b e a b l e to t u r n to it i m m e d i a t e l y w h e n
she n e e d e d tothus- s i g n a l i n g to m e t h a t she was definitely
g o i n g to look at t h e n e x t p a g e . I s n a p p e d my fingers to invoke
t h e C l u t c h a n d gently r e m o v e d t h e M o r t i m e r novel from h e r
h a n d s a n d wrote o n t h e p a g e t h a t she w o u l d b e t u r n i n g to, in
as e l e g a n t a cursive as I c o u l d m u s t e r , / need to pop my nuts on
a pair of small sexy tits right this second!! I s n a p p e d o u t of t h e
time-clutch a n d w a t c h e d h e r from a safe d i s t a n c e as she
t u r n e d t h e p a g e a n d r e a d w h a t I h a d written. S h e d i d a n
almost i m p e r c e p t i b l e d o u b l e take, t h e n flipped a r o u n d in t h e
b o o k to see if t h e r e was a n y t h i n g else h a n d w r i t t e n . S h e l o o k e d
a b o u t her, n o t i c e d m e a b s o r b e d in a copy of The Princess of
Cleves, a n d , b e c a u s e ( t h o u g h s o m e w h a t r o u g h - h e w n ) I look
" i n t e l l e c t u a l " ( t h e glasses), she was r e a s s u r e d t h a t w h o e v e r
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h a d written t h a t d e s i d e r a t u m in t h e b o o k she h a d picked u p

h a d d o n e so a while a g o , p e r h a p s m o n t h s a g o , a n d was in any
case n o l o n g e r in t h e store. T h e n she sighed conclusively a n d
p u t t h e b o o k b a c k o n t h e shelf a n d i n s p e c t e d s o m e t h i n g by
M u r i e l S p a r k called Loitering with Intent. Titles are so i m p o r
t a n t to lonely browsers. I c o u l d of c o u r s e have written s o m e
t h i n g dirty in t h a t b o o k , t o o , b u t I resisted t h e u r g e , n o t only
b e c a u s e it w o u l d have m a d e h e r fearful t h a t s o m e o n e was
singling h e r o u t s o m e h o w , b u t also b e c a u s e I c o u l d n ' t for
s o m e r e a s o n m a k e myself write nasty t h i n g s in a b o o k written
by a w o m a n . I c o u l d deface J o h n M o r t i m e r w i t h o u t c o m p u n c
tion, b u t n o t so M u r i e l Spark. I h o v e r e d t h e r e until the
w o m a n i n b l a c k c o t t o n finally left (with Breakfast at Tiffany's),
a n d t h e n I b o u g h t t h e M o r t i m e r myself, since I h a d r u i n e d it.
I still have it; I m e a n to r e a d it someday.
Many, m o s t of m y fold-adventures are like t h a t i n c o n c l u
sive; wastes of t i m e by s o m e s t a n d a r d s . B u t I like w h e n my little
s c h e m e s d o n ' t really work o u t I still feel t h a t I have created
s o m e b o n d b e t w e e n myself a n d t h e w o m a n with w h o m I have
d e c i d e d to m e a n w h i l e away t h e time. T h e w o m a n in black will
eventually forget a b o u t t h e writing I d i d for h e r at t h e t o p of
t h e p a g e of Paradise Postponed, since it is difficult to r e t a i n the
active m e m o r y of m i n o r incidents w h i c h are in a small way
i n e x p l i c a b l e a n d r a n d o m - s e e m i n g , a n d yet for a short time
t h a t evening, for a few h o u r s , she m i g h t possibly have enter
t a i n e d herself by s p e c u l a t i n g a b o u t w h a t sort of p e r s o n would
browse W a t e r s t o n e ' s writing a p o s t r o p h e s of s m u t in m o d e r n
English novels. S h e m i g h t have b r o u g h t it u p t h a t w e e k e n d at
a d i n n e r p a r t y m a y b e s o m e o n e was talking a b o u t t h e history
of t h e W a t e r s t o n e ' s b u i l d i n g a n d she w o u l d b e r e m i n d e d of
t h e o d d i t y I h a d given h e r a n d start to tell t h e story a n d realize
t h a t s h e w o u l d b e slightly e m b a r r a s s e d to r e p e a t in c o m p a n y
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w h a t I h a d written, a n d t h e n s o m e o n e else at t h e table, a catty

gay m a n , w o u l d say, " O h , c o m e o n , P a u l i n e , you c a n ' t b r i n g
us this far a n d n o t finish u s off, we're g r o w n - u p s after all," a n d
she would r e p e a t to t h e d i n n e r party, in h e r own t h o u g h t f u l ,
even voice, s u r p r i s i n g herself t h a t she d i d in fact r e m e m b e r
the text, "Well, I believe t h a t it said, 'I n e e d to p o p m y n u t s
o n a p a i r of sexy little tits right now.' E x c l a m a t i o n p o i n t . " A n d
t h e r e would b e w h o o p l e t s of m o c k - s h o c k e d m i r t h . All b e c a u s e
of m e , all b e c a u s e of m e .
95
'
US, THOUGH,
BRIEFLY RETURN T O T H E TIME I WAS
OUT-
side o n t h e b e a c h towel in t h e yard, since I did go o n to

i m a g i n e w r i t i n g m o r e t h a n m e r e e x p o s t u l a t i o n s in p a p e r
backs t h a t m o r n i n g , a n d t h e m a n n e r in which events devel
o p e d as a result of m y i m a g i n i n g s is q u i t e typical of my
Fold-life. (Maybe interlife w o u l d b e a g o o d w o r d for t h e por
t i o n of m y life I s p e n d b e t w e e n - t i m e s , in t h e Fold.) I t u r n e d
over a n u m b e r of distinct t h o u g h t s t h a t m o r n i n g , b u t mainly
I t h o u g h t of w r i t i n g a brief a m a t e u r sex story of my own a n d
p l a n t i n g it w h e r e a w o m a n m i g h t find it. I envisioned b e c o m
i n g a writer of private e r o t i c a a rotter, a secret m e m b e r of
t h e literoti. Specifically I envisioned d a s h i n g off s o m e t h i n g
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a b o u t a w o m a n o n a ridem l a w n - m o w e r t h a t I w o u l d p r i n t
out, staple at t h e c o r n e r , a n d p u t in a plastic f o o d - s t o r a g e b a g
with a twist-tie closure a n d b u r y in t h e colder, unsiftable s a n d
j u s t below w h e r e s o m e w a r m - s k i n n e d s u n b a t h i n g w o m a n was
idly d i g g i n g as she lay face-down o n h e r towel o n a b e a c h
somewhere.
I was d u r i n g t h a t p e r i o d w i t h o u t F o l d - p o w e r s I h a d n o t ,
as a m a t t e r of fact, b e e n able to d i s r u p t sidereal t i m e at will
for eight full m o n t h s , a fairly l o n g fallow p e r i o d for m e , a n d
while at first I h a d as u s u a l b e e n relieved n o t to have t h e
distracting o p t i o n of s t o p p i n g all t h e clocks w h e n e v e r I
w a n t e d to t h i n k o r spy o r feel, I was n o w really q u i t e d e s p e r a t e
to get back s o m e of t h e o l d m a g i c . W h a t if I n e v e r a c c o m
plished a successful D r o p again? H o r r i b l e . I w a n t e d i m m e d i
ate c o n t r o l l e d nudity. T h e c a l e n d a r , t h e year-at-a-glance
wallet c a l e n d a r I carry a r o u n d with m e , t h a t m a r v e l o u s inven
tion in which twelve l o c o m o t i v e - s h a p e d m o n t h s in series p u l l
t h e m i s c e l l a n e o u s freight of a full y e a r of days a l o n g , h a d
b e c o m e my e n e m y . W h a t h a d I d o n e with all t h a t free time?
W h a t h a d I d o n e with m y life, m y interlife? O f t e n o n m y m i n d
was t h e slogan devised by s o m e self-helper a b o u t t e n years
a g o " T o d a y Is t h e First Day of t h e Rest of Y o u r Life." It is
a good, exciting, up-revving slogan. B u t it was b e g i n n i n g to
o c c u r to m e to w o n d e r w h a t t h e p e r s o n w h o t h o u g h t it u p h a d
d o n e with t h e rest of his life, following t h e m o m e n t o u s m i n u t e
w h e n h e first conceived of it. H a s h e b e e n himself h e l p e d by
his own s n a p p y b u m p e r sticker? H a s h e d o n e a n y t h i n g else of
n o t e aside from writing it? Is his m i g h t i e s t a c c o m p l i s h m e n t
g o i n g to b e merely t h e i n v e n t i o n of a m e m o r a b l e f o r m u l a t h a t
urges o t h e r s to a c c o m p l i s h s o m e t h i n g ? A n d was t h e world any
b e t t e r for his h a v i n g written w h a t h e h a d written? T h e world
has r e c o g n i z e d its i n s p i r a t i o n a l value a n d fully m e t a b o l i z e d it;
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individual lives have p e r h a p s b e e n in s o m e cases i m p r o v e d as

a result of its e x i s t e n c e h i g h school h o m e w o r k may have
b e e n d o n e t h a t w o u l d n ' t have b e e n d o n e , new leaves may have
b e e n t u r n e d over, difficult p h o n e calls m a y have b e e n m a d e
b u t n o w its o w n b i g m o m e n t of efficacy is finished, it c a n n o
l o n g e r surprise u s i n t o s u d d e n effort, a n d yet t h e p e r s o n w h o
t h o u g h t it u p is a l m o s t certainly still with us, living out, n o t
Day 1, b u t Day 1,234, o r Day 3,677, of t h e sadly anticlimactic
rest of his liferepeatedly e x p e r i e n c i n g , as we all d o , those
brief c a l e n d r i c a l r e g r e t s w h e n it is n o l o n g e r t h e toddlingly
i n n o c e n t fifth o r sixth of a given m o n t h b u t s o m e w h e r e early
in t h e teens, midway d o w n , a n d t h e n s u d d e n l y it's t h e twentysixth a n d t h e m o n t h is g o i n g forever, t h e o n e a n d only O c t o
b e r y o u will b e given t h a t year, a n d t h e false o p t i m i s m of a new
y o u n g m o n t h is a b o u t to b e g i n , like a stock split t h a t w i t h o u t
c h a n g i n g any f u n d a m e n t a l s m a k e s t h e price p e r share look
alluringly c h e a p all over again; a n d t h e n t h e " 3 " of t h e new
m o n t h ' s d a t e a g a i n slides i n t o t h e " 5 , " a n d t h e " 5 " m u t a t e s
i n t o t h e " 1 2 , " e a c h of t h e thirty o r thirty-one successive n u
m e r i c a l d a t e s c a r r y i n g with it, regardless of w h a t actually h a p
p e n s o n t h a t day, a default m i x t u r e of e m o t i o n s t h a t results
simply from its l o c a t i o n o n t h e scaffolding of t h e c a l e n d a r a
specific r a t i o b e t w e e n t h e residual d e t e r m i n a t i o n to get what
ever difficult o r distasteful t h i n g s t h e r e are o u t s t a n d i n g d o n e
in t h e days of t h e m o n t h t h a t r e m a i n a n d t h e growing d e s p a i r
at t h e m a n y difficult o r distasteful t h i n g s t h a t simply c a n n o t
get d o n e in t h e days t h a t r e m a i n a n d m u s t b e carried forward
to t h e n e x t m o n t h . T h e c a l e n d a r was my e n e m y b e c a u s e I h a d
n o c o n t r o l over it a n y m o r e , n o o p t i o n of p o s t p o n e m e n t , n o
eject b u t t o n , a n d I h a d n o t b e e n in c o n t r o l of it for over eight
months.
O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , m y c o o r d i n a t o r , J e n n y , h a d n o t h a d any
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work for m e t h a t day, so I was free. I h a d b e e n assigned to

work at a n a r c h i t e c t u r a l firm in C a m b r i d g e , b u t t h e n they
called a n d c a n c e l e d a n d n o t h i n g else h a d t u r n e d u p . I lay in
b e d for a while, t o o k a shower, a n d w a n d e r e d o u t to t h e b a c k
yard (my l a n d l o r d ' s yard, really) with a large heavy dry b e a c h
towel. I d o n ' t know n o w w h a t t h e d a t e was, b u t I d o k n o w t h a t
it was early in t h e m o n t h , w h e n I still felt full of h o p e ( o r
p e r h a p s it was so late in t h e m o n t h t h a t I felt t h e u n d i s t u r b e d
a n d i m m i n e n t h o p e of t h e n e x t m o n t h in full force), a n d it
was s o m e t i m e in t h e late spring. It was o n e of t h e first times
I h a d g o n e o u t to lie in t h e s u n t h a t year; it was a clean,
b u d - p o p p i n g b l u e o u t of a t e m p e r a t e - z o n e B o s t o n weekday. A
h u n d r e d very small h i p p o p o t a m u s - s h a p e d c l o u d s were o n t h e
m a r c h o v e r h e a d , a n d t h o u g h I like a n d r e s p e c t a rigorously
cloud-free m o r n i n g as m u c h as a n y o n e w h e n t h e only possi
ble seconds of s h a d e you c a n e x p e c t o u t o n y o u r towel a r e
those strangely p a r a n o r m a l e x - m a c h i n a s w h e n a h i g h c r u i s i n g
bird (a gull o n its way to i n l a n d D u m p s t e r s ) o r a n a l m o s t
i n a u d i b l e a i r p l a n e c o m e s m o m e n t a r i l y b e t w e e n y o u r eyelids
a n d t h e sun, raising y o u r consciousness of t h e conical g e o m e
try of u m b r a l c o i n c i d e n c e g i v e n t h a t t h e r e were all these
evenly s p o o n e d - o u t clouds, regularly d i s p e n s i n g a n ideal in
terval of coolness every five m i n u t e s o r so, d u r i n g w h i c h t h e
trees r e g a i n e d t h e i r g r e e n d e p t h a n d I h a d t h e o p p o r t u n i t y to
a p p r e c i a t e t h e h e r e t o f o r e - u n n o t i c e d sweat o n m y s t o m a c h ,
a n d given t h a t I was n o t h i n g b u t a t e m p a n d lacked for t h e
time b e i n g t h e o n e t h i n g t h a t k e p t m y p r i d e intact, w h i c h was
my f e r m a t i o n a l gift, I was n o n e t h e l e s s q u i t e h a p p y with w h a t
the day h a d to offer. I invariably feel lucid a n d p l e a s e d with
life after a shower anyway ( t h e r e is a n illusion of m e n t a l acuity
that accompanies a thoroughly moistened a n d rejuvenated
sinus-system a n d t h e sensation of wet h a i r - e n d s o n t h e b a s e of
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t h e n e c k ) , b u t s e l d o m m o r e p l e a s e d with life t h a n w h e n I c a n
g o directly from t h e tiley shower o u t to a clean w a r m sunlit
b e a c h towel o n t h e lawn. I t o o k off my watch a n d my glasses
a n d set t h e m o n t h e e d g e of t h e towel, n e x t to t h e Fieldcrest
label; I t o o k off my T-shirt a n d laid it gently over t h e p o r t a b l e
p h o n e , lying nestled in t h e grass, to k e e p it from overheating.
I e x t e n d e d myself s t o m a c h - d o w n o n t h e towel (a b l u e - a n d white-striped towel; t h e b l u e stripes were detectably w a r m e r
t h a n t h e white o n e s ) a n d let t h e weight o n my ribcage p r o
d u c e a m o a n of u t t e r c o n t e n t m e n t .
N o t h o u g h t s of u n c l o t h e d w o m e n d i s t u r b e d my awareness;
a n d it was n o t so late in t h e s u n n y season t h a t lightweight,
m o t h l i k e h o p p i n g c r e a t u r e s were liable to l a n d annoyingly o n
m y legs; I felt only h o w lucky I was t h a t after a little r o o t i n g
a r o u n d , a little trial a n d e r r o r , t h e g r o u n d w a r d side of my
face was a b l e to find, within i m m e d i a t e neck-flex r a n g e , as it
always eventually d i d find, a c o n j u n c t i o n of several s o d - h u m p s
o r d o l m e n s t h a t c r a d l e d my c h e e k b o n e fairly comfortably
t h r o u g h t h e i n s u l a t i o n of t h e s u n - w a r m e d towel. As w h e n I
t o o k a seat in t h e older-style dentist's chairs a n d discovered
t h a t t h e weight of m y e n t i r e h e a d was to b e s u p p o r t e d by two
swiveling occipital c u p s t h a t d e t e r m i n e d exactly h o w far back
I w o u l d have t o slide my ass, so m y location o n t h e lawn now
b e c a m e with this satisfactory c h e e k b o n e s e t t l e m e n t s u d d e n l y
u n a r b i t r a r y : I was h o m e , m y eyes closed, b r e a t h i n g easily be
c a u s e of t h e r e c e n t shower, still d a m p h e r e a n d t h e r e n o t yet
with p e r s p i r a t i o n b u t with cleanliness, a n d a b l e to hear, if I
c o n c e n t r a t e d , p r e s s i n g my h e a d b o n e s d e e p i n t o Fieldcrest's
p l u s h - b l u r r e d p a t t e r n , t h e lonely toils of a beetle o r a g r u b
s o m e w h e r e very n e a r my ear, c h e w i n g a n d p u s h i n g o n s o m e
futile mission in t h e t h a t c h . Was t h e weight of my h e a d mak
i n g life m o r e difficult for t h e g r u b ? W a s t h e r e a g r u b t h e r e at
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all, o r was it only t h e s o u n d of t h e u n t e n a n t e d t h a t c h itself

adjusting to my weight? I c o u l d n ' t know, b u t I was sorry if I
was c a u s i n g t r o u b l e for any living t h i n g . I p l u c k e d a few
blades of grass with my fingers; I h e a r d t h e muffled s o u n d s of
the breakage transmitted t h r o u g h the underreaching rhi
zomes. I felt calm, t h o u g h t f u l , at restserenely u n p r o d u c t i v e .
I n my idleness I h a d of c o u r s e t h e o p t i o n of l e t t i n g m y
t h i n k i n g drift in a n u m b e r of mildly erotic d i r e c t i o n s at any
time, b u t it s e e m e d i m p o r t a n t to resist t h a t l u r e for t h e m o
m e n t . It w o u l d have b e e n so easy to i m a g i n e t h r e e w o m e n in
white b a t h i n g suits lying o n white d e c k chairs o n a p a l e - b l u e
cruise ship with t h e i r h e a d s p o i s e d in different directions,
each with o n e k n e e u p a n d with h e r eyes closed, e a c h h o l d i n g
a f o r g o t t e n b o t t l e of s u n s c r e e n t h a t was t h e c o l o r of t h o s e
o l d e r Tercels a n d Civics w h o s e owners h a d u s e d t h e i r g a r a g e s
for s t o r i n g o t h e r t h i n g s t h a n t h e i r cars a n d w h o s e p a i n t h a d
consequently oxidized i n t o states of frescoesque, u n s a t u r a t e d
beauty, like M&Ms sucked for a m i n u t e a n d spit b a c k o u t i n t o
t h e p a l m for study. It w o u l d have b e e n so easy to t h i n k h a r d
a b o u t those leggy t h i g h s flowing i n t o t h e leg-holes of t h o s e
white b a t h i n g suits; a b o u t o n e of t h e w o m e n s t r a i g h t e n i n g
o n e thighy leg a n d b e n d i n g t h e o t h e r ; a b o u t h o w g o o d t h e
s u n m a d e t h e m feel. B u t I w a n t e d to steer clear of t h e legholes u n t i l at least twelve-thirty, preferably o n e - t h i r t y if possi
ble, b e c a u s e it was so very delightful o u t in t h e s u n , a n d t h e r e
was, after all, a n infinitude of c o m p l i c a t e d a n d intellectually
r e w a r d i n g ideas in t h e world t h a t I m i g h t u s e my m o r n i n g of
otium librale to consider, h e l p e d t o w a r d states of scholarly
attentiveness by t h e intrinsic g o o d of t h e b l u e sky, a n d if I gave
my h i n d b r a i n t h e slightest o p p o r t u n i t y to w o r k u p a comely
sexual s h a p e , my meditative r a n g e w o u l d inevitably n a r r o w ,
t h e s e x - t h o u g h t s w o u l d replicate busily, they w o u l d b e g i n t o
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polymerize, f o r m i n g short, slippery narrative c h a i n s which

w o u l d b i n d with o t h e r formerly i n n o c e n t i m a g e s a n d voluptualize t h e m , c o n t o r t i n g themselves like l i p o p r o t e i n s into selfc o n t a i n e d m a s t u r b a t o r y sub-realities, a n d from t h e r e into
fully realized frigments of m y invagination, a n d I w o u l d find
t h a t I h a d t u r n e d over o n t o my b a c k to let t h e sweat o n my
chest d e c l a r e itself, a n d I w o u l d b e n d o n e k n e e a n d p e r h a p s
r e a c h tentatively inside m y b a t h i n g suit t o m a k e sure every
t h i n g was s h i p s h a p e , a n d five m i n u t e s later I w o u l d b e inside
m y a p a r t m e n t , w h e r e m y eyes w e r e n ' t adjusted to t h e d i m m e r
light, a n d w h e r e it was dissatisfyingly cool a n d u n s u n n y , a n d
I w o u l d s e n d forth f o u r gray stripes of f a t h e r h o o d a n d father
h o o d b y - p r o d u c t s o n t o a t r e e - p a t t e r n e d p a p e r towel t h a t was
g u a r a n t e e d t o b e m a d e with m o r e t h a n seventy-five p e r c e n t
p o s t - c o n s u m e r waste, e a c h stripe s h o r t e r a n d m o r e a l b u m i n
o u s t h a n t h e last. A n d after that, t h e rest of t h e day w o u l d
itself take o n a p o s t - c o n s u m e r - w a s t e sort of t o n e , a n after-thegrand-fact t o n e , as w h e n , o n Saturdays, t h e mail was delivered
u n u s u a l l y early a n d I w o u l d drive h o m e from a n e r r a n d in t h e
late a f t e r n o o n l o o k i n g forward t o it in error, thinking, Well,
this was certainly a d u d day, b u t at least t h e r e ' s still t h e mail
to c o m e , u n t i l I s l u m p i n g l y r e m e m b e r e d t h a t t h e mail h a d
already c o m e t h e u s u a l b u l k - r a t e packets saying " T o Be
O p e n e d by A d d r e s s e e O n l y " o r "Sexually O r i e n t e d Material
I n s i d e " o r " O v e r 70 B r a n d S p a n k i n g N e w Items!! W e C o m
m a n d You to O r d e r Today."
So I tried t o d r a w a n i m p e r m e a b l e m e n t a l oval a r o u n d
myself with a k i n d of fantasidal foam, m e a n i n g to k e e p all
sex-pixxxels, all prelewds, all floptical jillusions, o u t s i d e its
p e r i m e t e r m u c h t h e way a lovely d o u b l e - b a s s player I o n c e
knew in S a n t a C r u z p r a c t i c e d all o n e a f t e r n o o n in h e r apart
m e n t in cutoffs with a b i g white circle of a n t i - b u g foam
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sprayed o n t h e c a r p e t i n g a r o u n d h e r so t h a t s u g a r a n t s w o u l d
n o t k e e p crawling u p h e r t a n n e d a n d defiantly u n s h a v e d legs
a n d u p t h e p i n of h e r i n s t r u m e n t a n d u p t h e t r i p o d of h e r
music stand. S h e h a d b e e n very nice, very n i c e a nice p e r s o n
to know, with a p a i r of gorgeously a u t o n o m o u s J a m a i c a s . I
h a d s p e n t o n e a f t e r n o o n lying beside h e r o n t h e b e a c h e a t i n g
vanilla cookies with her, a n d at o n e p o i n t I impulsively p u t
o n e r o u n d cookie o n e a c h full t u r q u o i s e c u p of h e r bikini t o p .
She m a d e a t o l e r a n t w a r n i n g s o u n d , lifting h e r h e a d for a
m o m e n t , a n d ate b o t h t h e cookies; I t h e n b r u s h e d a c r u m b
lightly from a breast, saying simply, " A c r u m b . " B u t we h a d
never h a d sex, she a n d I. A n d w h e n I b r u s h e d away t h a t
c r u m b , I did it with s u c h a light, shy t o u c h t h a t I ' d felt only
a n i n a n i m a t e bikini s e a m , a n d n o n e of t h e i n s u r g e n t n i p p l e c r o w n e d weight b e n e a t h . S u c h a tragic loss of a c h a n c e ! (This
was w h e n I was in my j u n i o r year, a Foldless t i m e for me.) B u t
t h a t of c o u r s e was why I r e m e m b e r e d h e r n o w with s u c h
l o n g i n g , r a t h e r t h a n r e m e m b e r i n g any of t h e w o m e n with
w h o m I h a d h a d sex o r t h e h u n d r e d s I h a d surreptitiously
u n d r e s s e d . So I s h o u l d feel thankful t h a t I ' d b e e n so shy in
b r u s h i n g away h e r c r u m b , since I h a d h e r to t h i n k a b o u t a n d
miss a n d w a n t n o w e x c e p t that, I r e m i n d e d myself, I was n o t
s u p p o s e d to b e t h i n k i n g in sexual d i r e c t i o n s at all.
I tried to c o n c e n t r a t e o n t h e b r a i n - m u f f l i n g t e x t u r e of t h e
towel against my e a r a n d cheek, a n d o n its c l e a n smell, a n d o n
how little I r e q u i r e d female n u d i t y in o r d e r to b e h a p p y with
my life. J u s t t h e i d e a of h o w c l e a n this b e a c h towel was, h o w
fast it h a d s p u n for m e in t h e l a u n d r o m a t ' s w a s h i n g m a c h i n e
a few days earlier so t h a t I c o u l d lie o n it now, was m o r e t h a n
e n o u g h for m e . I recalled J o h n L e n n o n a n n o u n c i n g to t h e
world t h a t h e c o u l d get h i g h j u s t l o o k i n g at a flower. I d i d n ' t
n e e d b i g breasts, b i g J e r o b o a m s of titflesh, b i g h o t fleshpots
103
NICHOLSON
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s h a k i n g in t h e i r self-serve tit-boosting black b r e a s t i e r s n o , I

c o u l d get h i g h j u s t lying o n a towel. Towels, t h o u g h , were
u n f o r t u n a t e l y n o t a n entirely u n c h a r g e d subject for m e : they
were closely associated with my s e c o n d successful fermation,
a year after I h a d e m p l o y e d t h e t i m e - t r a n s f o r m e r in Miss
D o b z h a n s k y ' s c l a s s a n d p e r h a p s I s h o u l d describe t h a t early
e p i s o d e for t h e r e c o r d right now.
(I have to say, as I s p r i n g a r o u n d this way, t h a t I c a n ' t
u n d e r s t a n d how real a u t o b i o g r a p h e r s like M a u r i c e B a r i n g o r
R o b e r t Graves d o it. H o w a r e they a b l e to m o v e so smoothly
a n d so casually from a to b to c? I ' m h u m b l e d by t h e difficulty
of p r e s e n t i n g o n e ' s life truly w i t h o u t s e e m i n g to b e a p r o p o
n e n t of overfamiliar n o n l i n e a r o r t h o d o x i e s . It isn't t h a t I
t h i n k m y d i s o r d e r so far is in any way swanky o r artistic; it's
t h a t w h e n I try to b e a r e s p o n s i b l e m e m o i r i s t a n d a r r a n g e my
e x p e r i e n c e s in t h e i r p r o p e r places o n a timeline, my interest
in t h e m dies a n d they a l t o g e t h e r refuse to allow themselves to
b e told. I find t h a t I have t o s u b m i t to every a n e c d o t a l t e m p t a
t i o n j u s t as it arises, regardless of t e m p o r a l priority, in o r d e r
for it, for m e , to flower a d e q u a t e l y i n t o words.)
So: c h r o n o f u g a t i o n . T h e s u m m e r after fifth g r a d e I used to
g o d o w n t h e clothes-strewn stairs to t h e b a s e m e n t ( t h e base
m e n t stairway was o u r dirty-clothes h a m p e r ) a n d s p e n d major
p o r t i o n s of t h e a f t e r n o o n o b s e r v i n g my family's sheets a n d
towels a n d c l o t h e s toil a n d spin. T h e r e was a safety interlock,
a h i n g e d inward-swinging t a b , t h a t c u t t h e m o t o r if t h e lid was
o p e n e d d u r i n g t h e spin cycle, b u t it was a simple m a t t e r to
disable it: I j u s t j a m m e d it o p e n with a p e n . I stood at t h e
w a s h i n g m a c h i n e for m a n y h o u r s , refining my a p p r e c i a t i o n of
centrifugal force.
At its p e a k s p e e d , t h e basket of a clothes-washer t u r n s at
s o m e t h i n g like six h u n d r e d revolutions p e r m i n u t e . Towels,
w h i c h are ordinarily t h e very soul of m a g n a n i m o u s a b s o r b 104
THE
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ency, are at six h u n d r e d r . p . m . c o m p r e s s e d i n t o loutish,

w e d g e - s h a p e d c h u n k s of raw textility, a p o t h e o s e s of w a d d e d ness, t h e i r folds so conclusively s u p e r i m p o s e d , a n d
their
t h o u s a n d s of gently t o r q u e d turf-tassels so e x p u n g e d ,
or
e x s p o n g e d , of reserve capacity, t h a t I feel, after t h e last steady

pints of blue-gray water have p u l s e d from t h e exit h o s e a n d
t h e l o u d tick from within t h e m a c h i n e signals s o m e
final
d i s e n g a g e m e n t of its transmission, a n d t h e s p i n n i n g slows

a n d stops, as if I a m tossing b o n e l e s s h a m s o r (in t h e case of
washcloths) little steaks i n t o t h e dryer, r a t h e r t h a n p o t e n t i a l
exhibits in a fabric-softener
testimonial. O f t e n t h e
spun
g o o d s display o n r e m o v a l a p a t t e r n of raised d o t s , w h e r e t h e
fabric h a s vainly tried to p o u r itself o u t of t h e h o l e s in t h e
s p i n n i n g basket in t h e wake of t h e w a t e r it h a s j u s t r e l u c t a n t l y
released.
At first t h a t s u m m e r I w a t c h e d t h e wash with t h e lid u p j u s t
because I enjoyed itI liked i m a g i n i n g myself as a n agitator,
s h o u l d e r i n g t h e water powerfully b a c k a n d forth with m y fins;
b u t eventually I b e g a n to suspect t h a t u n t a p p e d t e m p o r a l
powers resided in t h e spin cycle. N o t h i n g t h a t c o u l d safely
displace articles of c l o t h i n g in a circle t h a t fast c o u l d fail to b e
of h e l p to m e in my effort to discover a s e c o n d way, after t h e
race-track transformer, to r e m o v e t h e c l o t h e s of girls a n d
w o m e n w i t h o u t t h e i r knowledge. T h e r e w e r e w o r d s m o l d e d
o n t h e t o p s of t h e agitators' s p i n d l e s o u r s said
SURGILATOR
a n d o n e day I let my fingers rest lightly o n this rotifer of

m e a n i n g as its final acceleration b e g a n . T h e word, m a d e
slightly slippery from residual s o a p , c i r c u l a t e d progressively
faster u n d e r my t o u c h until, v i b r a t i n g i n t o u n r e a d a b i l i t y , its
letters m e r g e d i n t o a whirling probabilistic a n n u l u s , a n d I felt
t h a t t h e secret of spin h a d b e e n c o m m u n i c a t e d from t h e
m a c h i n e to m e .
A n d I was rightthe secret of spin was i n d e e d at m y
105
finger-
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t i p s b u t it t o o k a while for m e to discover h o w exactly to p u t

it to work. At first I t h o u g h t t h a t / h a d to spin. I went outside
at twilight a n d p r a c t i c e d whirling with a r m s o u t s t r e t c h e d , n o t
t o o terribly t r o u b l e d by t h e possibility t h a t I m i g h t r e m i n d an
o n l o o k e r of J u l i e A n d r e w s in The Sound of Music, trying to get
m y r e d b l o o d cells to crowd d o w n m y f o r e a r m s with such force
t h a t t h e tips of m y fingers w o u l d blow off a n d I would h e m o r
r h a g e t r i u m p h a n t l y over t h e p a c h y s a n d r a . B u t of course my
fingertips h e l d a n d t i m e ticked o n . (Fingertips a r e so d u r a b l e .
T h e y d o n ' t even e x p l o d e w h e n y o u u s e t h e m as t e m p shoe
h o r n s ; they j u s t tingle for a s e c o n d as y o u r impassive heel
forces itself past.) Even so, I knew I was o n t h e r i g h t track
e x p e r i m e n t a l l y w h e n , j u s t a r o u n d t h a t t i m e , I c a m e across a
p a p e r b a c k a b o u t U F O s in a c a r o u s e l at a Mass Pike gift s h o p .
It was a collection of letters from t h e g e n e r a l p u b l i c to t h e air
force d e s c r i b i n g flying-saucer sightings, i n t e r i o r layouts, a n d
so o n . O n e of t h e letters was from a m a n w h o t h o u g h t t h a t
U F O s were g e n e r a t i n g t h e antigravity forces o n which they
s u p p o s e d l y h o v e r e d by s p i n n i n g q u a n t i t i e s of loose dirt a n d
b o u l d e r s in a d o u g h n u t - s h a p e d i n n e r r i n g built into t h e per
i m e t e r of t h e spacecraft. T h e a u t h o r of t h e letter s u p p l i e d a
r o u g h illustration w h i c h showed t h e r o t a t i n g fill a n d t h e re
s u l t a n t lift. I knew t h a t his i d e a was flawed a n d foolish, b u t I
also knew t h a t h e h a d rightly sensed, as I h a d , centrifugation's
evocative peculiarity, its possibly mystical p o t e n t i a l . It wasn't
t h e p u l l of gravity t h a t spin w o u l d neutralize, I felt; it was t h e
p u l l of t i m e .
T h e l o n g e r I s t u d i e d o u r w a s h i n g m a c h i n e with the lid
o p e n , t h e m o r e I realized t h a t "for best r e s u l t s " I w o u l d have
to b e directly linked to t h e u n n a t u r a l forces t h a t my clothes
were e x p e r i e n c i n g . B u t I h e s i t a t e d to c l i m b i n t o t h e clothes
basket. I h a d h e a r d stories of b r o k e n fingers a n d dislocated
106
THE
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shoulders. I t h o u g h t , however, t h a t if I h a d a way of p l u c k i n g

s o m e t h i n g of my own a b r u p t l y from a state of e x t r e m e spin
a n d p u t t i n g it o n while it was still d a m p , t i m e w o u l d b e
shocked to a stop u n t i l my g a r m e n t dried. It was w o r t h a try,
anyway. J u s t at t h e close of a rinse cycle, I tied a l e n g t h of
b r o w n twine a r o u n d a d r i p p i n g d a r k - r e d T-shirt as tightly as
I c o u l d a n d tossed it b a c k in t h e m a c h i n e . W h e n t h e s p i n n i n g
b e g a n I s t o o d o n a c h a i r a n d h e l d t h e e n d of t h e twine above
the basket so t h a t it c o u l d b o b b i n freely. At t h e right m o m e n t
I j e r k e d h a r d o n t h e twine, s h o u t i n g , " N o w ! " My r e d T-shirt
flew twirling i n t o t h e r o o m like a flushed d u c k . I p u t it o n a n d
r a n outside, full of h o p e . B u t t h e t w o - t o n e leaves were aflutter
o n t h e l i n d e n s a n d I c o u l d h e a r t h e u s u a l traffic, so I knew
t h a t I h a d failed. I liked letting t h e shirt dry a n d its c o l o r
lighten o n m e , t h o u g h .
A few days later, w h e n t h e r e were e n o u g h dirty clothes to
m a k e a n o t h e r load, I h a m m e r e d a finishing nail i n t o t h e table
n e x t to t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e a n d m o u n t e d a s p o o l of heavyduty t h r e a d o n t o it. I w o u n d t h e e n d of t h e t h r e a d clockwise
a r o u n d t h e spindle of t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e at t h e c o m m e n c e
m e n t of spin. T h r e a d transfer p r o c e e d e d with i n c r e a s i n g
speed. T h e little spool w o b b l e d wildly as it was s t r i p p e d of its
c o t t o n i n t e g u m e n t . I g r a b b e d t h e spool a n d h e l d it tightly, so
t h a t t h e t h r e a d b e i n g d r a w n i n t o t h e m a c h i n e h a d to s n a p a t
t h a t instant of r u p t u r e I e x p e c t e d t i m e to b e all m i n e . B u t
time wasn't m i n e even t h e n ; I still, it s e e m e d , w a s n ' t c o n
n e c t e d intimately e n o u g h to t h e p u r e state of spin.
As so often h a p p e n s , success finally c a m e t h r o u g h t h e c o n
vergence of several i n d e p e n d e n t p a t h s of r e s e a r c h . T h e r e was
a l o n g r o p e swing in o u r b a c k yard. I h a d b e e n c l i m b i n g this
swing a little h i g h e r every day, o n t h e h u n c h t h a t s o m e t h i n g
u n u s u a l m i g h t h a p p e n w h e n I was a b l e to m a k e it all t h e way
107
NICHOLSON
BAKER
to t h e k n o t at t h e t o p , w h i c h was p e r h a p s thirty feet off t h e

g r o u n d . T h e r o p e was s m o o t h w h e r e we n o r m a l l y h e l d it to
swing (sitting o n a r o l l e d - u p r e m n a n t of industrial c a r p e t i n g
tied in p l a c e a n d l a u n c h i n g ourselves from a w o o d e n refriger
a t o r c r a t e ) , b u t t h e h i g h e r I c l i m b e d , t h e r o u g h e r its h e m p e n
t e x t u r e b e c a m e . Every day I g o t a little stronger, in my stom
a c h muscles as well as m y a r m s , a n d I also got b e t t e r at
relieving s o m e of t h e b u r d e n o n my a r m s by w i n d i n g t h e r o p e
a r o u n d o n e leg a n d c l a m p i n g it b e t w e e n t h e t o p of o n e
s n e a k e r a n d t h e sole of t h e o t h e r . My h a n d s b u r n e d m o r e
e a c h t i m e . I o p e n e d a n d closed my fists w h e n I was safely back
o n t h e g r o u n d to m a k e t h e p a i n inside t h e m go away. After a
week a n d a half, I finally r e a c h e d t h e k n o t at t h e t o p a n d
s l a p p e d t h e finely c r a c k e d b a r k o n t h e l o a d - b e a r i n g b o u g h ,
a m a z e d a n d even s o m e w h a t terrified t h a t I h a d b e e n able to
w o r k m y way u p so h i g h . I e x p e c t e d , after t h a t c o n q u e r i n g
slap, to r e t u r n t o e a r t h with n e w powers, b u t in fact I h a d n o
n e w powers: I only h a d f o u r t e e n o r fifteen excellent oval
calluses o n m y fingers, of w h i c h I was very p r o u d . I n private
I p u s h e d at t h e s e calluses while I was t h i n k i n g .
O n e w e e k e n d d u r i n g this p e r i o d my father t o o k m e to the
h a r d w a r e store. A m a n we called t h e N e e d l e M a n was in t h e
p a r k i n g lot. T h e N e e d l e M a n was d e a f a n d d u m b ; h e went
a r o u n d t h e city selling packets of sewing n e e d l e s for a living.
H e was a short, toothless p e r s o n of a b o u t sixty w h o always
w o r e a b a s e b a l l c a p ; t h e r e was s o m e t h i n g w r o n g with o n e of
his knees, w h i c h b e n t sideways w h e n h e p u t his weight o n it.
H e a p p r o a c h e d u s a n d w e n t i n t o his silent sales pitch: h e
flashed t h e p a c k e t of n e e d l e s , s h r u g g e d , looked away, flashed
t h e p a c k e t of n e e d l e s again, licked his t h u m b a n d tested the
w i n d d i r e c t i o n , smiled, g u m m e d , s h r u g g e d , looked away,
l o o k e d at us. My f a t h e r gave h i m a d o l l a r for t h e needles. T h e
108
THE
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N e e d l e M a n n o d d e d a n d left us. H e n e v e r showed g r a t i t u d e .

I c o n n e c t e d h i m with Rumpelstiltskin a n d with G o l l u m in The
Hobbit. W e already h a d five o r six packets of n e e d l e s t h a t we
h a d b o u g h t from h i m , so my f a t h e r h a n d e d this o n e to m e .
"Maybe you c a n t h i n k of s o m e t h i n g to d o with t h e m , " h e said.
A n d I d i d t h i n k of s o m e t h i n g , as a m a t t e r of fact. I g o t a
fresh spool of t h r e a d from t h e sewing basket. I o p e n e d t h e
packet of needles, w h i c h h a d a c o n v e n i e n t front flap like a
b o o k of m a t c h e s . T h e n e e d l e s were a r r a n g e d by size a n d
r e s e m b l e d t h e p i p e s in a p i p e o r g a n ; they w e r e p i n n e d with
e x a c t i t u d e t h r o u g h two folds of b l u e foiled p a p e r a h a n d
h e l d c a t h e d r a l . I c h o s e a m e d i u m n e e d l e , t h r e a d e d it, a n d
s p e n t m o s t of t h e a f t e r n o o n sewing my r o p e - c l i m b i n g calluses
t o g e t h e r in various ways. W h e n t h e n e e d l e was partway
t h r o u g h a callus I t a p p e d its tip to feel t h e t e n s i o n within t h e
t h i c k e n e d skin; t h e sensation was usually painless. I w a g g l e d
my fingers with two n e e d l e s p o k e d i n t o t h e m in t h e m i r r o r ,
p r e t e n d i n g I was b e i n g t o r t u r e d . W h e n I h a d p u s h e d a n e e d l e
all t h e way t h r o u g h , t h e t h r e a d t h a t followed was a l m o s t tick
lish; my nerves were b e i n g s t i m u l a t e d in a way t h a t left t h e m
u n c e r t a i n a b o u t w h a t was inside a n d w h a t was o u t s i d e . It was
as if I c o u l d h e a r t h e t h r e a d t u g g i n g t h r o u g h t h e h o l e s in m y
skin r a t h e r t h a n feel it. I sewed all e i g h t fingertips in series a n d
walked a r o u n d t h e h o u s e m o a n i n g a n d l o o k i n g for a n a u d i
ence; t h e n I played s o m e t h i n g very s i m p l e by B a c h o n t h e
p i a n o t h e a d d i t i o n a l p r e s e n c e of t h e t h r e a d in t h e m o m e n t
of c o n t a c t with e a c h p i a n o key, a n d t h e restricted r a n g e my
fingers
h a d , m a d e t h e music s e e m u n u s u a l l y p o i n t e d a n d
intelligent a n d p u r e . I played better, m o r e h i g h - s t e p p i n g l y ,

m o r e like G l e n n G o u l d , with sewn h a n d s ( t h o u g h with m a n y
m o r e w r o n g notes)-just as show h o r s e s w e r e (I h a d r e a d
somewhere) m a d e by u n e t h i c a l t r a i n e r s to s t r u t prize-win109
NICHOLSON
BAKER
ningly with m u s t a r d a n d c h a i n s in t h e i r fetlocks. I was my own

m a r i o n e t t e . I s t o p p e d t h e B a c h in t h e m i d d l e a n d closed t h e
p i a n o lid. A n d as I closed t h e lid I knew w h a t I was m e a n t
to d o .
I s n i p p e d all t h e t h r e a d from my h a n d s a n d a m a s s e d a
l o a d ' s w o r t h of dirty clothes from t h e floor of my r o o m (sup
p l e m e n t e d by several towels) a n d I s t a r t e d a large w a r m wash
with t h e lid o p e n a n d t h e interlock j a m m e d . While t h e wash
c h u r n e d t h r o u g h its p r e l i m i n a r i e s , I c h o s e a new n e e d l e ,
t h r e a d e d it, a n d p u s h e d it t h r o u g h t h e thus-far-unsewn callus
at t h e b a s e of m y left h a n d ' s m i d d l e finger. I p u t t h e spool in
p l a c e o n t h e n a i l a n d w r a p p e d t h e loose e n d of t h e t h r e a d
a r o u n d t h e p o s t of t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e . Now, as t h e spin
cycle b e g a n , it p u l l e d t h e t h r e a d t h r o u g h m y callus, t h r o u g h
a p a r t of m e , in w i n d i n g it o n t o itself. T h e t h r e a d t u g g e d
t h r o u g h t h e h o l e in m y skin surprisingly easily, faster a n d
faster. My h a n d lay o n t h e sill of t h e washer, face u p . T h e h e a t
of t h e friction b e g a n to h u r t ; w h e n it b e c a m e almost u n b e a r a
ble, a n d I was o n t h e verge of closing m y fist o n t h e t h r e a d
to s n a p it, t h e event, o r n o n - e v e n t , h a p p e n e d . Everything
s t o p p e d . I l o o k e d i n t o t h e t u b of t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e a n d
was thrilled t o b e a b l e to see a n d even t o u c h t h a t fiction of t h e
physical sciences, centrifugal force. W i t h o u t suffering h a r m , I
c o u l d n o w r e a c h in a n d h o l d clothes t h a t were in t h e midst of
s p i n n i n g at six h u n d r e d r . p . m . I p u t my h a n d in t h e m a c h i n e .
T h e r e m a i n i n g b l u e water, i m m o b i l i z e d in its t u r b u l e n c e a n d
yet still wet to t h e t o u c h , was especially beautiful. T h e world
was a g a i n available for u n d r e s s i n g . B u t I knew t h a t if the
t h r e a d t h a t r a n t h r o u g h m y callus b r o k e , t i m e w o u l d r e s u m e .
So I was u n f o r t u n a t e l y t e t h e r e d to t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e .
O v e r a p e r i o d of t e n m i n u t e s I laboriously p a i d o u t the
t h r e a d t h r o u g h my callus so t h a t I c o u l d walk upstairs a n d o u t
1 10
THE
FERMATA
to t h e yard. A b i r d was o u t t h e r e , a r o b i n , p a u s e d in t h e air,

a b o u t t h r e e feet off t h e lawnI t o u c h e d its s p r e a d wings,
t h o u g h n o t h a r d e n o u g h to d i s l o d g e it from its p a u s a l locus.
I c o n t i n u e d to u n s p o o l my c a l l u s - t h r e a d u n t i l I h a d r e a c h e d
t h e street. A w o m a n was in a station w a g o n with h e r elbow o n
t h e d o o r . I t o u c h e d h e r s h o u l d e r with m y h a n d , t h e n r e a c h e d
into h e r b l o u s e a n d w e n t u n d e r h e r b r a a n d felt h e r h o t heavy
ostrich e g g of a breast. H e r n i p p l e was a m a z i n g l y soft. H e r
h a i r was motionlessly wind-fluffed;
the speedometer
said
thirty miles a n h o u r . T h a t soft unselfconscious n i p p l e I

t o u c h e d (my very first after infancy, recall) was driving d o w n
t h e street at thirty miles a n h o u r while I, c a r e s s i n g it at leisure,
stood in place! W h e n I h a d l e a r n e d e n o u g h a b o u t t h e w e i g h t
a n d highly a d v a n c e d mobility of h e r e n t i r e J a m a i c a in my
coarse a n d t h r e a d e d h a n d ( j o g g l i n g it r e m i n d e d m e , to m y
surprise, of t h e variable heft of a Slinky toy as y o u let its a r c h e d
l e n g t h recoil b a c k a n d forth from p a l m t o p a l m ) , I w e n t b a c k
to t h e sidewalk so t h a t I w o u l d n ' t b e r u n over, a n d I y a n k e d
o n t h e t h r e a d u n t i l it b r o k e . I p u l l e d it from t h e h o l e in m y
callus. T h e station w a g o n s i g h e d p r o m p t l y byI saw a flash of
t h e w o m a n in profile, t h e n t h e b a c k of h e r car, h e r m e a n i n g lessly specific license plate, t h e n h e r t u r n - s i g n a l light blink
ing, t h e n she t u r n e d d o w n S o u t h l a n d Street, g o n e . I n t h e
b a s e m e n t , my clothes t o o k u p with t h e i r s p i n n i n g as if I w e r e
still s t a n d i n g at t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e l o o k i n g in. N o b o d y in
t h e cars t h a t followed s e e m e d t o n o t i c e t h a t I h a d j u s t a p
p e a r e d n e x t to a b u s h y spray of e l m - s t u m p suckers, o u t of
nowhere.
My second successful d r o p - p h a s e e n d e d t h e r e , circa A u g u s t
1969: it, like t h e t i m e - t r a n s f o r m e r e x p e r i m e n t t h a t h e l p e d m e
into Miss Dobzhansky's shirt, was a p p a r e n t l y i n d u p l i c a b l e ,
d e p e n d i n g o n exactly t h o s e p a r t i c u l a r clothes a n d towels,
11 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h o s e calluses, a n d t h a t specific new p a c k e t of needles from

t h e N e e d l e M a n . T e t h e r i n g oneself to a clothes-washer was in
any case a s o m e w h a t awkward way of forcing t i m e i n t o remis
sion; a l t h o u g h as I t h o u g h t t h a t p e r i o d over o n t h e b e a c h
towel in t h e yard I r e m e m b e r e d n o n e of t h e awkwardness
only h o w leapingly h a p p y I h a d b e e n for t h e rest of t h e day
b e c a u s e I knew t h e n , after all my false starts a n d failed at
t e m p t s , t h a t t h e r e really was m o r e t h a n o n e way to trip t h e
universal clutch.
Now, o u t in t h e b a c k yard, b e c a u s e I was so d e s p e r a t e to
s t o p t h e c a l e n d a r , I c o n s i d e r e d trying s o m e t h i n g like it again:
sewing t h r o u g h m y fingers a n d w a s h i n g t h e very towel I lay o n .
B u t t h e fact was t h a t m y a d u l t skin was m u c h t o o thin. T y p i n g
d o e s n o t m a k e for heavy callusing. (As I type I c a n feel t h e
raised p l e a s u r e - d o t s o n t h e J a n d F keys of t h e typical key
b o a r d , m o l d e d t h e r e to let you k n o w t h a t y o u r fingers are
p r o p e r l y s t a t i o n e d in t h e " h o m e " position, with s o m e t h i n g
close t o discomfort, so t e n d e r a r e my
fingertips.)
Perhaps
t h e r e was a way to trigger a D r o p by p r e t e n d i n g I was sick a n d

g o i n g to C o m m o n h e a l t h , m y H M O , a n d listing off lots of
mysterious p a i n s a n d m o m e n t s of dizziness in t h e shower, so
t h a t t h e d o c t o r w o u l d o r d e r s o m e c o m p r e h e n s i v e b l o o d work,
a n d w h e n t h e b l o o d was sucked from my elbow a n d s p u n at
six t h o u s a n d r . p . m . in a b u c k e t centrifuge in t h e lab to sepa
r a t e t h e yellow p l a s m a from t h e r e d cells, t h a t h i g h e r - s p e e d
self-centrifugation w o u l d re-create t h e c o n d i t i o n s of t h e pri
m o r d i a l w a s h i n g m a c h i n e , a n d I would, while t h e spin was in
p r o g r e s s , b e a b l e to u n c l a s p t h e H i s p a n i c p h l e b o t o m i s t ' s b r a
while she p o s e d in t h e F e r m a t a , expertly t a p p i n g into s o m e
o n e else's vein. B u t I rejected t h e possibility, since even if a
t e m p o r a l h e m a t o c r i t worked, it w o u l d b e t o o u n p r e d i c t a b l e
a n d i m p o s s i b l e to c o n t r o l ; I n e e d e d a way to switch time o n
a n d off quickly a n d easily.
112
THE
FERMATA
B u t this n o t i o n of self-centrifugation d i d a n d d o e s have a

powerful a p p e a l , a n d I s o m e t i m e s have t h e distinct sense, as
I hover in t h e m i d d l e of a p a g e of this m e m o i r , c h o o s i n g
which of my past F e r m a t a s I will relate n e x t , t h a t in o r d e r to
write my life p r o p e r l y I n e e d t h e e n t i r e r e c e p t a c l e of my
consciousness s p u n , as t h e u l t r a c e n t r i f u g e ' s r o t o r spins its
vials of biological freight, fast e n o u g h to c o n q u e r diffusion
a n d i m p o s e s o m e artificial o r d e r . I n e e d to d a n g l e in a severe
v a c u u m from a o n e - t e n t h - i n c h - t h i c k l e n g t h of p i a n o wire
(like t h e r o t o r in t h e old S p i n c o M o d e l E u l t r a c e n t r i f u g e ,
developed in t h e fifties by E d w a r d G. Pickels a n d his col
leagues a n d still in use in a n u m b e r of g r a n t - d e p l e t e d re
search p r o g r a m s in p r o t e i n chemistry), while a x e n o n l a m p
flashes s o m e unforgiving wavelength over m y m e m o r y sam
ple, r o t a t i n g sixty times faster t h a n t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e in
my b a s e m e n t d i d I w a n t all of t h e s e m i - r e m e m b e r e d i m a g e s
of half-dressed w o m e n , all these f r a g m e n t s of m y voyeuristic
history, t h a t still r e m a i n in messy colloidal s u s p e n s i o n to fly
a r o u n d at t h e s p e e d of insight u n t i l they are c o m p e l l e d to file
themselves away o n c e a n d for all i n t o n e a t radial g r a d i e n t s of
m a c r o m o l e c u l a r uniformity, like layered cocktails o r fancy
m u l t i c o l o r e d creations in J e l l - O . I h a p p e n to know, from a
three-week a s s i g n m e n t in t h e r e s e a r c h d e p a r t m e n t of K i l m e r
P h a r m a c e u t i c a l s (for b e t t e r o r worse, a n alert t e m p c a n pick
u p lots of stray k n o w l e d g e ) , t h a t b i o c h e m i s t s r o u t i n e l y use t h e
centrifuge (especially t h e low-end t a b l e t o p B e c k m a n m o d e l
called t h e Microfuge) to spin down, o r " p e l l e t , " l e n g t h s of
D N A in o r d e r to purify o r c l e a n t h e m . A n d everything in t h e
m i n d t h a t final t r i u m p h of p r o t e i n chemistryis likewise in
helpless m o t i o n , afloat, diffuse, i m p u r e , u n w i l l i n g to c o m m i t
to precipitation: only a n artificially i n d u c e d pensive force of
h u n d r e d s of t h o u s a n d s of gravities c a n spin d o w n s o m e intel113
NICHOLSON
BAKER
ligible fraction of o n e ' s t r u e p a s t self, o n e ' s frustratingly polydisperse personality, i n t o a pellet of p r i n t .

O n e e v e n i n g after work very recently, n e e d i n g to rev myself
u p to c o n t i n u e writing s o m e section of this very d o c u m e n t , I
s n a p p e d t i m e off a n d w e n t for a n i n d o o r walk a r o u n d the
r e s e a r c h b u i l d i n g s of Mass G e n e r a l , l o o k i n g for ultracentrifuges a n d for t h e b r e a t h t a k i n g w o m e n post-docs w h o use
t h e m . I a g a i n vaguely envisioned c e n t r i f u g i n g s o m e of my
own cells, this t i m e for t h e p u r e i d e a t i o n a l r u s h of it: I c o u l d
devote a w h o l e P a u s e to p l a c i n g small s a m p l e s of my b l o o d
( o r possibly s p e r m , t h o u g h t h a t s e e m e d a needlessly cruel
t h i n g to d o to my s p e r m ) in every Sorvall a n d B e c k m a n a n d
H i t a c h i u l t r a c e n t r i f u g e in B o s t o n a n d C a m b r i d g e a n d setting
t h e m all o n t o p s p e e d . I w o u l d b e a n e m i c a n d listless by t h e
e n d , b u t I w o u l d n ' t care, b e c a u s e I w o u l d know t h a t at t h a t
s e c o n d m y o w n perky little cells were b e i n g c r u s h e d i n t o alter
native w o r l d o r d e r s of p r o t o p l a s m by exotic megagravities in
expensive v a c u u m s in every h i g h - p o w e r e d N I H - f u n d e d re
s e a r c h p r o g r a m in t h e area, a n d t h a t trickster knowledge
w o u l d p o w e r m e u p w a r d i n t o r a p t u r e s of self-knowledge a n d
s e l f - a b a n d o n m e n t . B u t I d i d n ' t actually d o it, b e c a u s e I would
t h e n have h a d to c l e a n all t h e b l o o d y test t u b e s after t h e i r r u n s
were c o m p l e t e d , since I w o u l d n ' t w a n t to leave s o m e t h i n g as
u n s e t d i n g as p r o v e n a n c e l e s s yellow p l a s m a a r o u n d for re
s e a r c h e r s to discover. F e a r is my least favorite e m o t i o n ; I want
to b e r e s p o n s i b l e for c r e a t i n g as little of it as possible. I did
look at a fair n u m b e r of ultracentrifuges, however, a n d what
I n o t i c e d was t h a t t h e b i g floor-model m a c h i n e s , t h e o n e s
b u i l t in P a l o Alto by B e c k m a n I n s t r u m e n t s , b o r e a surpris
ingly s t r o n g r e s e m b l a n c e to clothes-washers. T h e y were a little
wider, a n d they were b l u e (which s h o u l d b e a s t a n d a r d color
for w a s h i n g m a c h i n e s b u t p e r p l e x i n g l y is n o t ) , a n d a close
1 14
THE
FERMATA
look at t h e c o n t r o l p a n e l revealed, in a d d i t i o n to familiar

words like
terms
SPEED,
VACUUM
and
TIME,
and
TEMP,
ROTORbut
t h e less l a u n d r y - r e l e v a n t
they still h a d a n oval o p e n i n g
in t h e t o p t h a t you closed after l o a d i n g with a s i m p l e latch,

a n d their direct-drive m o t o r (I l e a r n e d this from
flipping
t h r o u g h a t e x t b o o k in o n e of t h e lab's libraries) o p e r a t e d o n
exactly t h e s a m e i n d u c t i o n p r i n c i p a l as a Maytag's. T h e h u g e
difference b e t w e e n these two c o n s u m e r d u r a b l e s ( a n d I t h i n k
o n e of t h e best t h i n g s a b o u t centrifuge as a n o u n is t h e g h o s t
of t h e w o r d huge it safely contains) was t h a t t h e B e c k m a n
m a c h i n e c o u l d t u r n a r o t o r , fitted with e i g h t o r even twelve
little cuvettes c o n t a i n i n g s o m e b i o h a z a r d o r o t h e r , at sixty
t h o u s a n d r . p . m . I n o t h e r words, it c o u l d d e p e n d a b l y spin,
w i t h o u t flying a p a r t , o r o v e r h e a t i n g , o r m a k i n g d i s t u r b i n g
noises (I n o t i c e d t h a t it was q u i e t e r t h a n a w a s h i n g m a c h i n e ) ,
at a r a t e of over o n e t h o u s a n d revolutions per second.
I lifted o n e of t h e r o t o r s from a shelf in o n e of t h e labs. It
was n o t a light object. It was milled o u t of s o m e k i n d of
c o m p r e s s e d t i t a n i u m alloy a n d it was finished in a n e l e g a n t
a n o d i z e d black. It l o o k e d like a forty-five-dollar d a r k - c h o c o
late b i r t h d a y cake, with holes for, say, e i g h t u n u s u a l l y thick
c a n d l e s b u t it w e i g h e d a b o u t as m u c h as a b o w l i n g ball, o r
a h u m a n h e a d . I ' m s e l d o m as i m p r e s s e d as I s h o u l d b e w h e n
I h e a r t h a t a weightless entity like a n electrical i m p u l s e c a n
d a s h a r o u n d in its silicon irrigation ditches a t h o u s a n d times
a second, o r even a million times a s e c o n d , b e c a u s e electricity
is u n g r a s p a b l e ; o p p o s a b l e t h u m b s a r e of n o u s e in its p r e s
ence. B u t w h e n a California c o m p a n y m a n u f a c t u r e d a m a
c h i n e t h a t c o u l d get s o m e t h i n g heavy, s o m e t h i n g t h a t you
m i g h t g r u n t gently in lifting, t h a t w o u l d d e n t turf if you
d r o p p e d it, to r o t a t e a t h o u s a n d times a s e c o n d , t h e achieve
m e n t s e e m e d close e n o u g h to b e i n g conceivable t h a t it b e 115
NICHOLSON
BAKER
c a m e inconceivable. A h e a d , s p i n n i n g a t h o u s a n d times a
second! I was i m p r e s s e d w h e n t h e little girl in The Exorcist
s p u n h e r s a r o u n d o n c e . As I h e l d t h e r o t o r , k n o w i n g myself to
b e t h e o n e unstill b e i n g in t h e c e n t e r of a temporarily still
universe, I b e g a n to w a n t very m u c h for my own h e a d to
revolve at u l t r a c e n t r i f u g a t i o n a l s p e e d s I w a n t e d to spin so
fast m y ears w o u l d rip off my h e a d a n d slap o n t o o p p o s i t e
walls; I w a n t e d m y grotesquely e l o n g a t e d t o n g u e , u n r e t r a c t a ble after I o p e n e d m y m o u t h to u t t e r t h e u s u a l " H e l p ! " of t h e
F a u s t i a n inventor, to f o r m a p i n k S a t u r n i a n ring o r a n Eliza
b e t h a n collar b e f o r e my b r a i n finally blew. N o t only c o u l d t h e
h u m a n h e a d n o t survive sixty t h o u s a n d r.p.m., I t h o u g h t , it
c o u l d h a r d l y survive t h i n k i n g a b o u t sixty t h o u s a n d r . p . m . A n d
in fact, w h e n I reflect o n it now, I realize t h a t my F o l d o u t s are
in m a n y ways e q u i v a l e n t to centrifugation, since w h e n I s p e n d
a few h o u r s of quality t i m e in t h e Fold I a m in fact h e l d in t h e
v a c u u m c h a m b e r of a single exceedingly p a t i e n t millisecond,
potentially d o i n g a t h o u s a n d t h i n g s , r e a d i n g whole books,
w a n d e r i n g t h r o u g h b u i l d i n g s filled with scientific i n s t r u m e n
tation, a n d t h u s , from a bystander's perspective, m o v i n g over
m y closed l o o p at m i r a c u l o u s S p i n c o speeds.
116
T
JL
O RETURN T O THE BLUE-AND-WHITE-STRIPED
BEACH
TOWEL
of last year, however. I a g a i n tried to tell myself h o w selfsufficient I was stretched o u t in t h e G o l d m a n Sachs sun, a n d
therefore h o w totally u n n e c e s s a r y any sort of time-perversion,
c h r o n o f u g a t i o n a l o r otherwise, was to m e . I h a d a w h o l e free
real weekday to d o whatever I w a n t e d ; I c o u l d , for i n s t a n c e ,
a n d should, r e a d a book. I c o u l d g o to a b o o k s t o r e a n d select
a new beautiful p a p e r b a c k a n d b u y it a n d p u t m y n o s e in it to
smell t h e fine pukey smell t h a t n e w b o o k s often have. If I h a d
clutch powers I c o u l d browse in a b o o k s t o r e u n t i l I saw a
w o m a n I liked . . . a n d h e r e I c a m e u p with t h e a f o r e m e n
t i o n e d idea of writing a startling b u r s t of filth in t h e t o p
117
NICHOLSON
BAKER
m a r g i n of a b o o k t h a t a w o m a n was c o n s i d e r i n g . W i t h a n
effort of will, I e r a s e d t h a t p h a n t a s m : t h e r e were wonderful
n o n - g o n a d o t r o p i c topics everywhere a n d I w a n t e d very m u c h
to d o t h e m t h e courtesy of t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h e m i t was my
d u t y as a c o n s c i o u s c r e a t u r e to t h i n k a b o u t t h e m . T h e plastic
arts, for i n s t a n c e . At r a n d o m I t h o u g h t of Sir Lawrence AlmaT a d e m a , h o w skilled h e was at d e p i c t i n g clear water a n d wet
tulle. It w o u l d b e g o o d to b e lying o n a towel o n a b e a c h while
t h e H i s p a n i c p h l e b o t o m i s t h e l d flat t h e p a g e s of a largef o r m a t e d i t i o n of Sir L a w r e n c e A l m a - T a d e m a ' s p a i n t i n g s with
h e r flatly s a g g i n g c o c o n u t - o i l e d breasts, so t h a t t h e C a r i b b e a n
b r e e z e w o u l d n ' t m a k e m e lose my place. My eyes were still
closed, t h e towel was still clean-smelling, I was still lucidfeeling, b u t I knew t h a t I was a l m o s t ready to t u r n over o n my
back, a n d I knew t h a t if I t u r n e d over o n my b a c k my b a t h i n g
suit w o u l d c o m e off a m i n u t e later ( a n d w h o c a r e d if a n y o n e
saw m e I w a n t e d p e o p l e t o see m e ! b u t I was pretty sure
n o b o d y was h o m e downstairs anyway, b e c a u s e n o cars were in
t h e driveway), a n d o n c e my b a t h i n g suit was off, my J u i c e m a n
w o u l d writhe a n d e l o n g a t e against m y t h i g h until, in a t t e m p t
i n g to rise a n d m a k e a d r u n k e n s t a t e m e n t , it w o u l d lose its
b a l a n c e a n d fall heavily b a c k against my h i p b o n e , w h e r e it
w o u l d writhe s o m e m o r e . As a last resort, to r e m i n d myself
t h a t m o s t of t h e w o r l d was asexual m o s t of t h e time a n d well
w o r t h a close look even so, I o p e n e d my eye, t h e o n e that
w a s n ' t lost in t h e t u r f of t h e towel, a n d I saw, with n e a r s i g h t e d
m o n o c u l a r vividness, m y h u g e sunlit watch a n d my glasses.
T h r o u g h o n e lens of m y glasses I c o u l d see t h e Fieldcrest
label, o r r a t h e r its verso inside, which was n i c e r - l o o k i n g t h a n
t h e o u t s i d e b e c a u s e you c o u l d see all t h e spendthrift lushness
of soft t h r e a d t h a t h a d b e e n necessary to sew t h e little familiar
l o g o a n d its t r a d e m a r k s i g n t h o u g h t h e sight of this m a d e
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my Fold-urges reawaken, since t i m e t o o was l u s h e r w h e n

t u r n e d inside o u t . B e y o n d t h e s h a r p - e d g e d i n n e r b o u r n e of
my m y o p i a I saw t h e m a c r o p h a g e of my T-shirt d r a p e d over
t h e t e l e p h o n e , which w o u l d only r i n g if J e n n y , my c o o r d i n a
tor, c a m e u p with a late a s s i g n m e n t for m e , a n d I i m a g i n e d
the quick u p w a r d a r p e g g i o of metallic clicks p r o d u c e d by t h e
telescoping c h r o m e a n t e n n a as I p u l l e d it o u t r o u g h l y to
answer a call, o n e s e g m e n t r e a c h i n g t h e limit of its slide a n d
e n g a g i n g with t h e next, a n d t h e s a m e clicks in reverse o r d e r
after I'd h u n g u p a n d was p u s h i n g t h e a s p i r i n - s h a p e d e n d b a u b l e down. T i m e t e l e s c o p e d in a similar way; it w o u l d b e
m o s t helpful if I c o u l d instigate a D r o p w h e n e v e r I p u l l e d o n
the a n t e n n a of my p o r t a b l e p h o n e . All t h i n g s t h a t c a m e to
m i n d suggested m e c h a n i s m s of p a u s a t i o n to m e ; so m u c h so
t h a t I b e g a n to feel t h a t I was o n t h e verge of r e g a i n i n g my
powers.
I closed my eye a n d o p e n e d it again, a n d this t i m e I l o o k e d
only at my glasses, a n d it s e e m e d to m e t h e n t h a t t h e very best
t h i n g a b o u t s u n b a t h i n g was t h a t you c o u l d o p e n y o u r eyes at
any time a n d see y o u r own c o m p a n i o n a b l e glasses w a i t i n g for
you t h e r e so close to y o u r face, casting t h e i r s h a r p shadow: I
c o u l d see with e x t r e m e clarity t h e thick o p a q u e g r o u n d p e r
i m e t e r of t h e rimless lenses, a n d t h e side-pieces crossed at
their kneelike earward e n d s , a n d t h e eyelash hair, w h o s e curve
e n h a n c e d my a p p r e c i a t i o n of t h e c u r v a t u r e of t h e p r e s c r i p
tion, a n d t h e d u s t t h a t built u p so gradually t h a t I h a d n ' t
n o t i c e d it, a n d t h e n o s e - p o d s t h a t were filthy b u t w h o s e filth
was irrelevant b e c a u s e n o b o d y else c o u l d see it, a n d t h e p a i r e d
reflection of s o m e b r a n c h y b l u e n e s s in t h e faintly s c r a t c h e d
surfaceall this n i n e t e e n t h - c e n t u r y p r e c i s i o n t h a t I w o r e o n
my face every day, a n d never h a d t h e o p p o r t u n i t y to study
because all I did was take t h e glasses off at n i g h t a n d fold t h e m
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a u t o m a t i c a l l y a n d p u t t h e m by my b e d a n d p u t t h e m o n again
in t h e m o r n i n g . N o m a t t e r h o w often I closed my eyes, my
corrective lenses w o u l d b e t h e r e in t h e s u n w h e n I o p e n e d
t h e m a g a i n , waiting to b e p r a i s e d a n d seen, a n d seen m o r e
exactly a n d clearly t h a n if I were w e a r i n g a n o t h e r p a i r of
glasses to look at t h e m , b e c a u s e m y n e a r s i g h t e d n e s s short
e n e d t h e m i n i m u m focal l e n g t h , m a k i n g t h i n g s even two
i n c h e s away fully c o n t e m p l a b l e . I saw my o w n glasses b e t t e r
t h a n a n y o n e w h o d i d n ' t n e e d glasses c o u l d ever see t h e m . T h e
w o r d clarity struck m e as very fine. My h a p p i n e s s h a d a clarity
to it. My h a p p i n e s s was optical. My h a p p i n e s s was t h e direct
result of my glasses. S h o u l d I d o t e n p u s h u p s to celebrate t h e
i n n o c e n t clarity of my h a p p i n e s s ? S h o u l d I d o t e n p u s h u p s
n a k e d ? I t o o k off m y b a t h i n g suit a n d d i d t e n p u s h u p s naked,
a n d e a c h t i m e I lowered myself t r e m b l i n g d o w n to e a r t h , a n d
my d o w n - h a n g i n g soft-serve n o s e d u n p r o t e s t i n g l y i n t o t h e
towel, I t u r n e d my h e a d so t h a t I c o u l d see my glasses waiting
t h e r e for m e to a p p r e c i a t e t h e m . Possibly they s e e m e d b e a u t i
ful to m e in p a r t b e c a u s e they were hybrids, existing halfway
b e t w e e n k n o w e r a n d known, b e t w e e n w h a t I saw a n d how I
saw. I felt as if I were l o o k i n g at my own sense of sight, even
at myself, w h e n I l o o k e d at t h e m .
A conviction b e g a n to grow in m e t h a t as s o o n as I p u t my
glasses b a c k o n ( t h e side-pieces a n d n o s e - p o d s w o u l d b e quite
h o t by n o w I liked b e i n g b u r n e d this way) I would again
have c o n t r o l over t i m e . W h e n e v e r I p u s h e d t h e m u p o n my
n o s e with m y i n d e x finger, t i m e w o u l d i m m e d i a t e l y go idle.
My wish to l o o k m o r e closely at s o m e t h i n g t h r o u g h t h e m
w o u l d b e e n o u g h of a trigger. So sure was I t h a t my glasses
h a d b e c o m e , t h r o u g h my h a v i n g finally simply seen t h e m ,
F o l d - a c t u a t o r s , t h a t I d i d n ' t even try t h e m o u t at first: I lay
i n s t e a d r e c a l l i n g a t i m e w h e n I was at a b e a c h with Rhody. I
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went o u t in t h e surf with h e r with my glasses o n so t h a t I c o u l d

for o n c e see t h e H o k u s a i trim-work o n t h e waves. I knew t h a t
I was risking a m a j o r loss (I did still have my c o n t a c t s , u n w e a r ably moldy, n o d o u b t ) , b u t I foolishly t h o u g h t t h a t I w o u l d
know how to k e e p above t h e breakers. R h o d y said, " A r e you
sure a b o u t w e a r i n g t h e m ? " I said I w o u l d b e very careful.
After twenty m i n u t e s , t h e s e c o n d of two b i g u n e x p e c t e d waves
t u m b l e d us b o t h . W h e n it withdrew, my glasses were n o t o n
my face. T h e y were s o m e w h e r e in t h e o c e a n . I was b l i n d ,
s t a n d i n g in five feet of cold c h o p p y salt water. R h o d y a n d I
g r o p e d in t h e sandy turbidity, l a u g h i n g hopelessly. I b e g a n to
adjust to t h e fact t h a t I h a d b e e n very s t u p i d a n d h a d lost my
beloved eyewear. B u t s e c o n d s later, amazingly, R h o d y felt
t h e m b r u s h past h e r leg, a n d she c a u g h t t h e m a n d waved
t h e m in t h e air. I p u t t h e m o n a n d liftingly e m b r a c e d her, as
in a travel poster. It was t h e b e s t m o m e n t of t h e trip; we
f o u g h t o n t h e p l a n e ride h o m e m o s t l y b e c a u s e I felt, like
Tolstoy w h e n h e showed his rakish j o u r n a l s to Sonya after they
got e n g a g e d , t h a t I h a d to try o u t t h e idea of t i m e - p e r v e r s i o n
o n h e r ( p r e s e n t i n g it only as fantasy, of c o u r s e ) . S h e t o o k it
very b a d l y a n d we b r o k e u p a m o n t h later.
I rose from t h e towel o n t o my knees a n d p u t o n my glasses
a n d my watch. I l o o k e d d o w n at t h e s h a d o w of my semi-stiff
richard
against t h e b l u e stripes. W h a t else was t h e r e in t h e
world beside m a s t u r b a t i o n ? N o t h i n g . I p u s h e d u p o n t h e
b r i d g e of my glasses a n d verified t h a t t h e wind a n d t h e c l o u d s
h a d s t o p p e d . I n t h e Fold, s i n g i n g " B a c k in t h e S a d d l e A g a i n , "
I got my Casio typewriter a n d w e n t o u t to Storrow Drive a n d
p u l l e d a guy off his motorcycle a n d d r o v e it o u t to t h e C a p e ,
between t h e lanes of h a l t e d cars. T h e b e a c h e s were n o t
crowded at all, which was j u s t fine; I walked for a b o u t twenty
m i n u t e s u n t i l I f o u n d a w o m a n , fairly nice-looking, lying o n
12 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
h e r s t o m a c h o n a towel in a two-piece b a t h i n g suit t h e grayg r e e n c o l o r of t h e p l a n t called dusty miller. S h e was in t h e

process of blindly d i g g i n g two d i a g o n a l d o w n - r a m p s into t h e
s a n d o n e i t h e r side of h e r towel, w h i c h was w h a t I wanted. H e r
t o p was u n d o n e , t h e straps lying e n d e a r i n g l y u n t a u t l y with
t h e i r i n n e r surface visible; h e r b a c k was n o t very t a n n e d , a n d
in h e r a p p l i c a t i o n of s u n b l o c k she h a d missed a t r i a n g u l a r
p l a c e n e a r o n e of h e r very expressive, well-made s h o u l d e r
blades, w h i c h was g o i n g to b e painful in a few h o u r s unless I
p u t a little l o t i o n o n it for her, w h i c h I did. I sat cross-legged
n e x t to h e r in m y b a t h i n g suit a n d t u r n e d o n my typewriter
a n d b e g a n to write a story t h a t I h o p e d w o u l d interest h e r o n
s o m e m o r e o r less d e b a s e d level.
N a t u r a l l y I h a d n o i d e a w h a t she liked, w h e t h e r she was a
particularly sexual p e r s o n , b u t she h a p p e n e d to b e t h e p e r s o n
o n t h e b e a c h w h o was idly d i g g i n g in t h e sand, a n d t h a t was
all I r e q u i r e d from h e r . T h e rest was u p to m e . I wrote a story
a b o u t vibrators a n d dildos. I w o r k e d for a b o u t seven h o u r s
(seven p e r s o n a l S t r i n e - h o u r s ) , p e r h a p s longer. It was o n e
thirty-eight t h e w h o l e t i m e . I d i d n ' t worry a b o u t g e t t i n g sun
b u r n e d ; you c a n ' t t a n o r b u r n efficiently in t h e Fold. W h e n
ever I t h o u g h t t h a t my glasses were s t a r t i n g to slip d o w n the
b r i d g e of m y n o s e , I h u r r i e d l y p u s h e d t h e m u p in place, n o t
w a n t i n g my p e r s p i r a t i o n to restart t i m e by mistake. I only took
a few breaks; o n e to press h e r breasts gently from t h e side to
b e s u r e s h e h a d n o i m p l a n t s ( t h e k n o w l e d g e t h a t a p a i r of
breasts a r e fake u n f o r t u n a t e l y kills my lust) ; a n d o n e to go for
a swim in t h e m o t i o n l e s s surf. S w i m m i n g in t h e Fold was
s o m e t h i n g I h a d n ' t d o n e u p to t h a t p o i n t : t h e water's viscosity
varied, a r e a s of p a u s e d t u r b u l e n c e in a c r a s h i n g wave dissolv
i n g like l u m p s in b a t t e r as I swam t h r o u g h t h e m . Shells a n d
p e b b l e s were s u s p e n d e d in t h e u n d e r t o w like forest u n d e r 122
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b r u s h . I r a n my finger a l o n g t h e q u i e t s h a r p crest of wave a n d

flicked a h a n g i n g d r o p of seawater i n t o v a p o r with my
finger
nail. It was very tiring b r e a s t - s t r o k i n g m y way u p a n d d o w n t h e

stiff-peaked p e c t i n a c e o u s swells. B u t I f o u n d t h e " s w i m " r e
freshing (I wore my glasses this t i m e as well, since I was in n o
d a n g e r of b e i n g t h r o w n by any s u r f ) , a n d I f u r t h e r c l e a r e d m y
m i n d as I c a m e a s h o r e by p u l l i n g o n t h e front of a b a t h i n g
suit of a w o m a n of fifty o r so w h o was s t a n d i n g in a n i n c h of
water r e g a r d i n g h e r feet; I p e e r e d d o w n it to see h e r fat low
white breasts in t h e filtered light of h e r suit.
As a novice p o r n i s t e , I m e a n t only to d a s h s o m e t h i n g off
t h a t w o u l d have a r e a s o n a b l e c h a n c e of a r o u s i n g t h e s u n b a t h e r beside m e w h e n she f o u n d it. (I knew at least t h a t she
c o u l d r e a d t h e r e was a J a m e s Clavell novel a n d a b o o k o n
how to get a j o b in h e r b e a c h - b a g . ) B u t as I w r o t e o n w a r d
( a b o u t a librarian, a youthful n e x t - d o o r n e i g h b o r , a n d a U P S
m a n , since, b e i n g a b e g i n n e r , I t h o u g h t I s h o u l d at least m a k e
a n a t t e m p t to follow t h e c o n v e n t i o n s ) , p i c k i n g t h e s e t t i n g a n d
t h e physical traits of m y few c h a r a c t e r s p r e t t y m u c h at r a n
d o m , I got i n t e r e s t e d in w h a t I was d o i n g a n d f o u n d t h a t it was
m a k i n g m e w a n t very m u c h to m a k e myself c o m e . I n fact, for
t h e first twenty m i n u t e s o r so, every t i m e I typed t h e w o r d
" s h e " o r " h e r " I slowed way d o w n to press t h e c o m p o n e n t
letters, o v e r c o m e in t h e act of p l a c i n g a f e m i n i n e p r o n o u n o n
t h e p a g e by a n a l m o s t irresistible n e e d to w h a l e o n m y b o n e .
B u t I d e n i e d myself; instead I t o o k off m y b a t h i n g suit a n d
knelt, c r o u c h e d over before t h e typewriter as if I were o n a
prayer r u g , showing t h e o c e a n m y o p e n ass a n d u d d e r o u s l y
self-juggling balls. I was n o t t h e n u s e d to n u d e s u n b a t h i n g , as
I have said, a n d I discovered t h a t t h e s e n s a t i o n of t h e halves
of my u p r a i s e d ass b e i n g o u t of c o n t a c t with e a c h o t h e r t h e
sensation of a slight evaporative o u t d o o r coolness o n m y very
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asshole, a n d o n t h e usually d a m p s t r e t c h e d skin h i g h u p o n t h e

sides of my ballswas m o s t interesting. I d i d n ' t w a n t a n y t h i n g
to g o in my asshole, n o , n o , I j u s t w a n t e d it o u t in t h e o p e n ,
sunlit for o n c e , f l a u n t i n g wavewards its showered cleanness,
e x p o s e d in a way t h a t was b o t h lewd a n d v u l n e r a b l e . I n this
d e v o t i o n a l p o s i t i o n I w o r k e d for several i n t e n s e h o u r s , writ
ing.
N o t t h a t I t h o u g h t w h a t I was writing was necessarily by
e x t e r n a l s t a n d a r d s g o o d : it was simply t h a t I was p o s i t i o n e d
right n e x t to a w o m a n w h o w o u l d b e my a u d i e n c e , t h o u g h she
d i d n ' t k n o w it right t h e n , a n d I was in h e r i m m e d i a t e p r e s e n c e
c r e a t i n g for h e r a l o n e a n alternative " s h e " c h a r a c t e r , w h o , in
t h i n k i n g exactly as I w a n t e d h e r to t h i n k a b o u t dildos a n d
vibrators, w o u l d possibly e n t e r t a i n t h e real r a n d o m " s h e "
beside m e . Basically I was feeling for t h e first t i m e t h a t h e a d y
p a i r e d c o m b i n a t i o n of satisfactions t h a t t h e sexual p r o s e u r
c a n e n c o u n t e r at t h e o u t s e t of a n e w e n t e r p r i s e , as his longn e g l e c t e d artistic a m b i t i o n , however tentative o r internally
scoffed a t t h e wish to c r e a t e s o m e t h i n g t r u e a n d valuable
a n d even p e r h a p s in a tiny way b e a u t i f u l c o m b i n e s with
basic g r u n t i n g c u n t l a p p i n g lust, t h e two e m o t i o n s reinforcing
e a c h o t h e r a n d m a k i n g you, o r r a t h e r m e , feel almost insane
with a soaringly d o u b l e d sense of mission. At o n e point, fin
i s h i n g a p a r a g r a p h , I s h o u t e d , " / a m a writer of fucking
erotica!" i n t o t h e still close air. It was t h e n , in fact, t h a t the
first twinges of dissatisfaction with t h e w o r d erotica asserted
themselves. I d i t c h e d t h e w o r d p e r m a n e n t l y for its ab
breviated r e p l a c e m e n t , rot, a n d I have never r e g r e t t e d it. Yes,
I was o u t o n t h e b e a c h o n a r o t t e r ' s r e t r e a t , with my cool a n d
d r y i n g A r n u s e x p o s e d to t h e s u n , my cock as h a r d as an e m p t y
Calistoga b o t t l e , b u t u n t o u c h e d for h o u r s a n d h o u r s . I was
d e n y i n g myself for my rot.
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W h e n e v e r I hesitated a n d n e e d e d i n s p i r a t i o n , I simply
rested my h a n d o n t h e ass of t h e s u n b a t h i n g w o m a n beside
m e , s o m e t i m e s sliding t h e fingers u n d e r h e r leg-hole, s o m e
times resting my h a n d o n t h e fabric; s o m e t i m e s s q u e e z i n g ,
sometimes lightly s l a p p i n g . I tried p u t t i n g t h e typewriter o n
h e r ass b u t f o u n d it was t o o u n s t e a d y to p r o c e e d . O n c e ,
t h o u g h , I p u l l e d h e r bikini b o t t o m off a n d sat right d o w n o n
h e r softness, l o o k i n g o u t p a s t h e r b r o w n legs at t h e t a b l e a u
vivant of t h e waves, ass to ass with my r e a d e r - t o - b e . It was
pleasant to wiggle a n d circle a r o u n d , feeling o u r m a s s e d
loose-muscled ass-flesh m o v e as o n e over o u r d e e p b o n e s : it
was almost a form of c o m m u n i c a t i o n . A n d if I knelt b e s i d e h e r
a n d p u s h e d o u t w a r d o n h e r asscheeks, I c o u l d e x p o s e her a n e ,
a n d I did this m o r e t h a n o n c e , g e t t i n g a g r e a t d e a l of p l e a s u r e
o u t of feeling m y o w n plein-air Arnality b a r e d to t h e sky a n d
h o l d i n g hers o p e n at t h e s a m e time. H e r s was a fine b r o w n
dot, like a tiny a s t e r o i d - i m p a c t crater, w h i c h r e p a i d close
study. W o m e n ' s a n e s never u s e d to interest m e in m y teens
a n d early twentiesI t h i n k t h a t they a r e o n e of t h e t r u e
acquired tastes. T h e y are discrete, singular, clearly b o u n d e d ,
focused, in c o n t r a s t to t h e b o u n t e o u s plied gyno-confusion of
t h e vadge.
W h e n I h a d finished a fair copy of t h e story, I p u t it in a
plastic food-storage b a g a n d closed t h e b a g with a twist-tie. I
excavated t h e sand below h e r right h a n d , w h e r e she h a d b e e n
digging, a n d I b u r i e d t h e b a g g e d story t h e r e , p a c k i n g t h e
sand as tightly as I c o u l d a n d r e s t o r i n g t h e h o l e she h a d d u g
to t h e s m o o t h c o n t o u r s t h a t h e r idleness h a d given it. H e r a r m
was warm. H e r hair, by t h e way, was b o b b y - p i n n e d u p , b l o n d
with d a r k roots. I p o s i t i o n e d myself b e h i n d a n e a r b y s a n d
d u n e a n d took h o l d of my glasses at t h e b r i d g e a n d p u l l e d
t h e m down, r e s t a r t i n g t h e p r e s e n t for t h e first t i m e since I h a d
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rediscovered my powers. T h r o u g h t h e b i n o c u l a r s , I watched

h e r i m p e r t u r b a b l y dig, as if n o t h i n g h a d h a p p e n e d . It is al
ways a kick to see a w o m a n c o m e alive a g a i n after I've p a u s e d
h e r for a n e x t e n d e d p e r i o d : she has n o way of k n o w i n g t h a t
a n i n s t a n t of t i m e h a s j u s t passed t h a t was hugely richer in
c o n t e n t t h a n any of t h e instants t h a t i m m e d i a t e l y p r e c e d e d it.
A n i m m e n s e p a l e - b l u e N o r w e g i a n cruise ship of a millisecond
has j u s t d o c k e d a n d s t o u t tourists have d i s e m b a r k e d from it
a n d b o u g h t straw h a t s a n d trinkets a n d they have all reb o a r d e d a n d t h e s h i p h a s b a c k e d its t o n n a g e away, its p r o
p e l l e r d o m i n g t h e w a t e r a n d yet she thinks t h a t all t h e
milliseconds of h e r r e c e n t past are equivalently in scale, little
skiffs a n d j u n k s floating h e r e a n d t h e r e in t h e h a r b o r . A n d I,
w h o have lived consciously t h r o u g h , even piloted, t h a t enor
m o u s single millisecond, have f o r g o t t e n to s o m e e x t e n t how
m u c h b e t t e r a w o m a n is w h e n she is not motionless, w h e n h e r
s h o u l d e r blades, for instance, c a n m o v e subtly a r o u n d in h e r
back; h e r aliveness is always s o m e t h i n g of a revelation to m e
as well.
This woman's sand-thinned
fingertips
felt t h e u n e x p e c t e d
slidey m o v e m e n t of t h e plastic b a g after a m i n u t e o r so. She

raised h e r h e a d to look over at w h a t she h a d f o u n d , trying n o t to
lift h e r u p p e r b o d y off h e r towel a n d e x p o s e t o o m u c h J a m a i c a .
S h e p u l l e d my b a g g e d story o u t of t h e s a n d a n d b r u s h e d it off
a n d u n d i d t h e twist-tie. A n d t h e n she b e g a n r e a d i n g it. I a m n o t
kiddingshe actually began reading what I'd written. W h e n I saw
h e r slide t h e first p a g e of my d o u b l e - s p a c e d typescript to t h e
b a c k of t h e pile, still lying o n h e r s t o m a c h b u t with h e r elbows
o u t , h e r c h i n o n h e r h a n d s , I w o r m e d my fist i n t o my swimsuit
a n d t o o k h o l d of m y stain-stick. (I h a d of c o u r s e p u t my suit
b a c k o n , since t h e world was with m e now.)
H e r e follows w h a t I h a d given h e r to u n e a r t h a n d read,
slightly e d i t e d (as o p - e d p a g e s say) for space a n d clarity:
126
M
T
-JLARIAN,
RARE-BOOKS LIBRARIAN,
WAS
MARRIED
TO
David, w h o t a u g h t j o u r n a l i s m classes at t h e local r u r a l state

college. His own j o u r n a l i s t i c days were over a n d h e h a d
b e c o m e kind of p a t h e t i c . H e was a d d i c t e d to a c e r t a i n b r a n d
of nasal d e c o n g e s t a n t , a n d h a d to squirt u p noisily every few
h o u r s , which M a r i a n d i d n ' t really m i n d e x c e p t w h e n they h a d
guests. She was a n early riser, while h e r h u s b a n d stayed u p
until two-thirty a n d t h r e e , r e a d i n g m a g a z i n e s h e h a d o n c e
written features for with g r o a n s of scorn. T h e y d i d n ' t have a
whole lot of money, b e c a u s e they were p a y i n g for David's s o n
by a n earlier m a r r i a g e to go to Wesleyan. O n e S a t u r d a y they
h a d a b i g a r g u m e n t after David w e n t o u t to b u y s o m e p l a n t s
a n d c a m e back with a t w o - t h o u s a n d - d o l l a r ridem l a w n - m o w e r
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BAKER
in his van. It was t h e n e i g h b o r kid's j o b to m o w their lawn,

twenty-five dollars e a c h time, which wasn't u n r e a s o n a b l e since
t h e r e was a lot of lawn, so t h e r e was n o n e e d at all for this h u g e
e x p e n s e . David said t h a t h e h a d b e e n c o m p e l l e d to buy it
b e c a u s e it was a n e w m o d e l whose e n g i n e i n c o r p o r a t e d s o m e
i n n o v a t i o n of t h e cylinder h e a d t h a t h e ' d r e a d a b o u t in Popu
lar Mechanics a n d it was t h e i r d u t y to s u p p o r t c o m p a n i e s t h a t
c o n t i n u e d to f u n d r e s e a r c h a n d try n e w things. M a r i a n was
very a n g r y a n d u p s e t . It was like t h e t i m e h e h a d b o u g h t two
p y r a m i d - s h a p e d beehives a n d a c o m p l e t e kit of b e e k e e p i n g
e q u i p m e n t for f o u r h u n d r e d dollars. T h e r e h a d b e e n engulf
i n g flows of h o n e y for o n e year, a n d t h e n b o t h hives h a d
mysteriously a n d depressingly died. Also t h e h o n e y h a d b e e n
" s o m e w h a t g a m e y , " to use David's e u p h e m i s m m e a n i n g it
tasted distinctly of cow. O n t h e new ridem m o w e r David defi
antly m o w e d half t h e b a c k yard (they h a d two useless acres),
m a n e u v e r i n g a r o u n d t h e two t a r p - s h r o u d e d beehives, a n d
t h e n h e c a m e in to m a k e s o m e iced tea a n d kick back. M a r i a n
told h i m she w a n t e d to b e s e p a r a t e d from h i m for a while, so
h e p a c k e d t h e t o p layer of p a p e r s in his office a n d s o m e
clothes a n d m o v e d o u t .
I m m e d i a t e l y M a r i a n felt h a p p i e r . O v e r t h e n e x t few days,
she g o t rid of t h e gigantic television, which h a d always b o t h
e r e d h e r , a n d she p u t away t h e two primitivist portraits of
David's C o n n e c t i c u t ancestors. S h e dressed with m o r e care,
a n d w h e n a m a n at t h e b a n k picked u p a d e p o s i t r e c e i p t that
she h a d d r o p p e d , she smiled at h i m in a way she h a d n ' t smiled
at a n y o n e in a l o n g t i m e . S h e felt available.
T h e new ridem l a w n - m o w e r h a d to go back, of course. But
b e c a u s e David h a d already u s e d it, it was n o w officially a used
lawn-mower. T h e guy at t h e d e a l e r q u o t e d h e r a derisorily low
b u y b a c k price, a n d o u t of defiance she told h i m to forget it
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THE
FERMATA
a n d walked o u t . Fortunately, w h e n she told h e r m o t h e r t h a t

she h a d finally kicked David o u t , h e r m o t h e r p r o m p t l y c a m e
t h r o u g h with a c h e c k for t h r e e t h o u s a n d dollars. M o n e y wor
ries eased for t h e m o m e n t , she h i r e d t h e n e i g h b o r kid to m o w
the rest of t h e lawn u s i n g t h e n e w g r e e n r i d e m m o w e r . H i s
n a m e was Kev. S h e w a t c h e d h i m from various windows as h e
j o u n c e d a r o u n d o n h e r lawn. H e h a d ostentatiously d e l i b e r a t e
rips in t h e legs of his j e a n s from which his b r o w n k n e e s
p r o t r u d e d , a n d h e was w e a r i n g b r o w n work b o o t s . H i s shirt
was off. H e was wiry; h e h a d t h a t a d o l e s c e n t ability to b e n d at
the waist a n d n o t p r o d u c e a little b l o o m p of waist fat. T h e
small side muscles in his u p p e r a r m s h a d a sort of a sideways
S s h a p e t h a t called o u t to her. T h e y were t h e muscles h e w o u l d
use if h e were s u p p o r t i n g his own w e i g h t over her.
She w a t c h e d h i m l e a n i n t o a t u r n u p t h e slight slope t o w a r d
the t r a c t o r tire in t h e m i d d l e of t h e front yard. T h e previous
owner h a d p u t it t h e r e , p a i n t e d it white, a n d p l a n t e d p e o n i e s
in it. David h a d insisted o n k e e p i n g it as it was, h e b e i n g o n e
of those n o n - g a y w o u l d - b e c a m p e n t h u s i a s t s w h o rave a u t o
matically over a n y t h i n g tacky, a n d n o w M a r i a n , t o o , h a d
grown to like it. S h e h a d never e x p e c t e d to b e living in a h o u s e
like this, o n a r u r a l highway a mile o u t of a town o n e town over
from t h e town t h e college was in, g e t t i n g sexed u p w a t c h i n g
a seventeen-year-old n e i g h b o r kid drive h e r
lawn-mower
a r o u n d . His chest muscles were i n d i s p u t a b l y s q u a r e a n d flat;

the c o r d of his W a l k m a n h e a d p h o n e s l o o k e d frail a n d kinky
against his skin. H o w c o u l d h e possibly b e h e a r i n g any m u s i c
with t h e m o w e r going? She t h o u g h t of gently r e m o v i n g his
h e a d p h o n e s a n d his p a n t s , a n d t h e n of m a k i n g s o m e sort of
h e r b a l w r e a t h for his y o u n g p e n i s , mainly of Sweet G e n o v e s e
Basil (a k i n d she h a d recently p l a n t e d ) , like a laurel crown;
p e r h a p s as a final t o u c h she c o u l d insert a s h o r t sprig of curly
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NICHOLSON
BAKER
parsley i n t o t h e o p e n i n g of his u r e t h r a , so t h a t w h e n she slid

a n d stroked his soft n e w b o r n sex-skin twistingly u p a n d down,
m u r m u r i n g to h i m n o t to worry, t h a t it was j u s t n a t u r e ' s way,
a n d h e finally w h i m p e r e d t h e conclusive w h i m p e r , t h e sprig of
parsley w o u l d flip right in t h e air from t h e force of his clotted
s p e r m . B u t wait, w a i t s h e d i d n ' t really w a n t to have sex with
a seventeen-year-old kid; m o r e o v e r she d i d n ' t like t h e boy's
m o t h e r , w h o was a c o m p l a i n e r a n d a conspiracy theorist a n d
n o n e t o o b r i g h t . So M a r i a n j u s t p a i d t h e boy t h e twenty-five
dollars, p l u s a two-dollar tip.
" N e x t t i m e , " she said to h i m , a little shyly, " I ' d like you to
show m e h o w to drive t h a t t h i n g . " S h e n o t i c e d t h a t h e h a d
b e e n careful to p u t his shirt o n before h e c a m e to t h e d o o r to
b e p a i d a c o n s i d e r a t e t o u c h . H e was a g o o d kid. H e said,
"Sure."
W h e n h e h a d left, M a r i a n d i d t h e dirtiest t h i n g she c o u l d
t h i n k of, w h i c h was to drive fast to t h e s u p e r m a r k e t , buy a
c o p y of Cosmopolitan,
drive h o m e , p u l l t h e shades, a n d squat
n a k e d o n h e r living-room floor directly over t h e m a g a z i n e ,

o p e n e d to a full-page h e a d s h o t of Patrick Swayze. " L o o k at
w h a t I ' m s h o w i n g you, Patrick," she said, stroking t h e u n d e r
side of h e r o p e n t h i g h s a n d p u l l i n g o n a few p u b i c hairs to
a d d a p i q u a n t sensation. Patrick's eyes gazed unblinkingly u p
at h e r from b e t w e e n h e r legs, half o b s c u r e d by h e r b u s h .
" T h a t ' s right, look at w h a t y o u ' r e m a k i n g m e d o to my b i g
clit," she said. " D o y o u w a n t to see m y b i g fat c u n t c o m e ? D o
y o u ? " S o o n h e r eyes locked with Patrick's a n d she sat suddenly
d o w n o n his n o s e a n d half-smiling m o u t h , m a k i n g t h e d o u b l y
slick m a g a z i n e b u c k l e . It was all so o u t of c h a r a c t e r for h e r
t h a t she felt glowing a n d refreshed afterward.
T h e n e x t week h a d a day a n d a half of rain, a n d t h e lawn
n e e d e d a m o w badly by Saturday. Kev c o u l d n ' t c o m e by until
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THE
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three-thirty b e c a u s e of soccer practice. M a r i a n s p e n t t h e day

p r u n i n g several overgrown lilacs a n d r e a d i n g s o m e m o r e of
t h e new b i o g r a p h y of J e a n Stafford. S h e felt, by t h e t i m e Kevin
showed u p , t h a t h e r sexual e n e r g y was very m u c h u n d e r c o n
trol a n d t h a t she w o u l d n ' t m a k e s o m e sort of r e g r e t t a b l e pass
at h i m . H e e x p l a i n e d h o w to drive t h e m o w e r , with m a n y
apologies for t h e fact t h a t h e knew h o w to drive his o w n
family's m o w e r better, saying t h a t basically you d i d this a n d
t h a t a n d you h a d to w a t c h o u t for this a n d that. S h e p a i d h i m
fifteen for t h e lesson, which h e at first w o u l d n ' t take a n d t h e n
did take with fairly g o o d grace, a n d she waved a n d b e g a n
mowing. It was e x h i l a r a t i n g to c h u r n t h r o u g h t h e grass, espe
cially w h e n she drove u p t h e slight g r a d e toward t h e h o u s e
a n d h e a r d t h e e n g i n e strain a little. At first she m o w e d in a
kind of b o u s t r o p h e d o n p a t t e r n , b a c k a n d forth, a n d t h e n she
c h a n g e d to a n Aztec s q u a r e spiral p a t t e r n , h o m i n g in o n t h e
white t r a c t o r tire. As she got m o r e c o n f i d e n t a b o u t t u r n i n g
sharply a n d u s i n g t h e accelerator, she b e g a n to u n d e r s t a n d
why David h a d w a n t e d to own this m a c h i n e t h e feeling of
b e i n g in c o n t r o l of it, c u t t i n g this wide swathe, was really
terrific.
Over time, t h o u g h , she n o t i c e d t h a t t h e r e was a powerful
distraction from t h e m e r e feeling of twelve-point-five-horse
power e m p o w e r m e n t , w h i c h was t h a t t h e c o n s t a n t v i b r a t i o n of
t h e m a c h i n e h a d gradually w o n over h e r clit-shaftin fact it
h a d enlisted h e r e n t i r e p e r i n e u m . S h e b e g a n to t h i n k of two
long, lithe m e n lying b a c k with h i k e d - u p T-shirts in D y i n g
Slave poses over t h e t r a c t o r tire, l o o k i n g u p at t h e sky a n d
slowly p u l l i n g o n t h e i r M i c h e l a n g e l e s q u e penises. S h e i m a g
i n e d herself lying n a k e d o n t h e fresh cool grass with a h u g e
slow w o o d e n wheel s u s p e n d e d above h e r , a n d twelve n u d e
m e n tied securely to t h e spokes of t h e wheel, t h e i r h e a d s
1 3 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
p o i n t i n g t o w a r d t h e c e n t e r , all of t h e i r testicle-sacks h a n g i n g
halfway d o w n t h e i r u n s n i p p e d cocks, all of t h e m m a s t u r b a t
i n g l a n g u o r o u s l y with t h e i r o n e free h a n d . As t h e C a t h e r i n e
wheel t u r n e d above h e r , she felt t h e gaze of all twelve pairs of
eyes a d m i r i n g h e r h i p s a n d p u b i c hair, s e e i n g h e r pressing h e r
t h i g h s t o g e t h e r , which were right in t h e center, a n d as each
m a n ' s cock ticked i n t o p o s i t i o n over h e r face, she o p e n e d h e r
m o u t h a n d h e l d h e r t o n g u e o u t a n d closed h e r eyes a n d felt
w a r m s e m e n o u s splashes fall o n h e r lips a n d neck.
By this t i m e she was in reality driving a r o u n d a n d a r o u n d
t h e white t r a c t o r tire, m o w i n g grass t h a t h a d already b e e n
m o w e d , n e a r c o m i n g b u t n o t q u i t e able to. S h e was glad
y o u n g Kev w a s n ' t in sight right now, o r she m i g h t n o t b e able
to c o n t a i n herself. S h e w e n t inside, h a d a shower, a n d finally
c a m e h a r d e r t h a n she h a d in q u i t e a while, lying o n h e r
b e d r o o m floor with h e r legs u p o n h e r b e d , o n e finger polish
i n g h e r n u g , t h e o t h e r h a n d r e a c h i n g a r o u n d h e r leg a n d
rudely giving herself t h e finger. S h e p r o l o n g e d t h e aftergasms
by s q u e e z i n g h e r clit gently as if it were h e r n i p p l e .
B u t w h e n she t h o u g h t it over a n h o u r later, she was n o t
perfectly satisfied. T h e o r g a s m itself, t h o u g h it h a d u n q u e s
tionably h a d a b e g i n n i n g , a m i d d l e , a n d a n e n d , h a d lacked,
d e s p i t e its intensity, t h e lush g r e e n e r y a n d w i n d i n g r o a d s a n d
h o t , fruit-filled b a z a a r s t h a t h e r h o u r of ridem m o w i n g h a d
led h e r to e x p e c t a l m o s t as h e r right. P e r h a p s she n e e d e d to
d o s o m e t h i n g to p e p u p h e r m a s t u r b a t i o n a l t e c h n i q u e ; per
h a p s h e r clitoris was simply tired of h e r own fingers after all
these years. T h e v i b r a t i o n of t h e m o w e r h a d felt so u n e x p e c t
edly g o o d . A year earlier, David's c a r h a d d e v e l o p e d a p r o b
l e m with w h e e l a l i g n m e n t , so t h a t t h e s t e e r i n g wheel started
w o b b l i n g dramatically at a b o u t sixty-three miles a n h o u r , a n d
she n o w r e m e m b e r e d t h a t before h e h a d g o t t e n it fixed she
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THE
FERMATA
h a d b e e n o b l i g e d o n c e o r twice to pull over to t h e s h o u l d e r

a n d get h e r o r g a s m o u t of t h e way so t h a t she w o u l d n ' t b e a
h a z a r d to o t h e r s o n t h e r o a d . S h e simply n e e d e d m o r e vibra
tion, faster vibration, in h e r lifeit was t h a t s i m p l e . T h e i d e a
of sexual devices h a d s e e m e d faintly l u d i c r o u s in previous
years, a n d w h e n it s t o p p e d s e e m i n g l u d i c r o u s it b e g a n seem
i n g t o o t r e n d y s h e c o u l d n ' t e s c a p e t h e suspicion t h a t t h e
majority of vibrators were still given as j o k e gifts at office
good-bye parties. B u t why s h o u l d n ' t she at least try a toy of
s o m e kind? S h e h a d g o t t e n rid of David, s h e was b e g i n n i n g
h e r life afresh. S h e w e n t b a c k to h e r Cosmo, a v o i d i n g Patrick
Swayze (who looked a little t h e worse for w e a r anyway), a n d
f o u n d in t h e b a c k p a g e s a n a d for a c o m p a n y in S a n F r a n
cisco, " w o m e n o w n e d a n d o p e r a t e d . " T h e y r u s h e d h e r a cata
log, sensing h e r breathlessness, a n d a week a n d a half later t h e
g o o d old U P S m a n was asking h e r to sign o n line 34 for a large
white b o x t h a t M a r i a n e x p e c t e d to c o n t a i n f o u r h a n d - h e l d
devices a n d a c o n t a i n e r of Astroglide. T h e U P S m a n , she
n o t i c e d with relief, was, t h o u g h h a n d s o m e , n o t perfectwith
a slight d o u b l e c h i n a n d a p l e a s a n t asymmetrical smile a n d a
h i n t of David's incipiently stocky s h a p e .
W h e n she o p e n e d t h e b o x , however, she discovered t h a t she
h a d g o t t e n only t h r e e toys, n o t t h e full f o u r she h a d o r d e r e d .
T h e r e was t h e startlingly realistic h a n d - p a i n t e d slightly curv
i n g A r n o V a n D i l d e n Heavydick, with m o v a b l e balls a n d
s u c t i o n - c u p base; t h e r e was t h e Swiss-made
TorqueMaja
D e s n u d a , with its twelve special " p o w e r - f r i g " t o r q u e settings;

t h e r e was t h e m i x e r e s q u e O s t e r p l u g - i n coil m o d e l with its
little c a b i n e t of a t t a c h m e n t s ; b u t she was m i s s i n g t h e fortydollar, four-foot-long, d o u b l e - h e a d e d Royal W e l s h Fusilier
with d u a l slidable foreskinsit was o n b a c k o r d e r , to b e
s h i p p e d in several days. At first M a r i a n was irritated, w a n t i n g
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to have all f o u r artifacts to try o n e after a n o t h e r , b u t t h e n she

f o u n d t h a t t h e o n e s she h a d at h a n d were m o r e t h a n e n o u g h
to get h e r t h r o u g h t h e n e x t forty-eight h o u r s . S h e b e c a m e
especially f o n d of t h e f a s t - h u m m i n g a n d refreshingly u n p e n i l e Oster. S h e p i r a t e d t h e surge p r o t e c t o r from h e r n e
glected P C a n d p l u g g e d it in below t h e p l u g from h e r washing
m a c h i n e (safety first), a n d p l u g g e d t h e clit-knobbed O s t e r
i n t o it, a n d , u s i n g it, c a m e with mystical intensity sitting n a k e d
o n t h e cold lid of t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e with t h e d o o r to t h e
n e a r b y g a r a g e wide o p e n , l o o k i n g d o w n at h e r t r e m b l i n g
titfat, as all h e r b r a s a n d u n d e r p a n t s s p u n a r o u n d in d a m p
d a r k n e s s u n d e r n e a t h her. A n d w h e n t h e clock r a d i o woke h e r
at six-thirty o n weekdays, she u n p l u g g e d it from its e x t e n s i o n
c o r d a n d p l u g g e d in t h e O s t e r in its place, relishing t h e illu
sion t h a t t i m e c o u l d b e s t o p p e d while she started t h e day right
with a brisk coil-driven clasm.
S h e t o o k a vacation day o n t h e day t h e b a c k - o r d e r e d vibra
t o r was d u e to arrive. W h e n t h e U P S truck h a d n ' t shown by
a l m o s t o n e o'clock a n d w h e n M a r i a n , already o n h e r third
p a i r of u n d e r p a n t s , f o u n d herself h o l d i n g a m o t h e r - o f - p e a r l
h a n d m i r r o r u p to o n e of h e r n i p p l e s a n d w a t c h i n g t h e au
r e o l e get wrinkly b a c k w a r d a n d t h e n trying to p u s h h e r n i p p l e
t h r o u g h a b u t t o n h o l e of h e r l i n e n shirt, she d e c i d e d it was
t i m e to do s o m e t h i n g t o m o w t h e lawn, which did n e e d
m o w i n g . S h e c h a n g e d to a full loose gypsy skirt with n o t h i n g
u n d e r n e a t h a n d a r i b b e d black camisole with n o b r a a n d
drove t h e m o w e r o u t of t h e g a r a g e i n t o t h e yard with h e r
freshly b a t t e r i e d V a n D i l d e n r e s t i n g in h e r lap. S h e h o p p e d
off in t h e m i d d l e of t h e front yard, a n d in full view of t h e world
( t h o u g h t o o fast for a n y o n e to see really w h a t she was u p t o ) ,
with h e r b a c k to t h e r o a d , she licked t h e vibe's inch-and-ahalf s u c t i o n - c u p b a s e a n d stuck it firmly o n t h e seat of the
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idling g r e e n m a c h i n e a n d t u r n e d its little switch o n . S h e

r e g a r d e d it t r e m b l i n g t h e r e o n t h e seat, this e n c h a n t i n g l y
o b s c e n e b l u r r e d t u b e of realism s h a k e n s i m u l t a n e o u s l y by its
internal m i n i - m o t o r a n d t h e m a c r o - m o t o r of t h e r i d e m , a n d
h e r slype a c h e d to feel it p u s h h e r o p e n . S h e s l a p p e d it o n c e ;
it flinched a little to t h e side b u t d i d n ' t u n s u c t i o n itself. S h e
w a n t e d to m o w now; she w a n t e d t o m o w t h a t fucking lawn like
she h a d never m o w e d it before.
P l a n t i n g h e r feet o n t h e f l o o r b o a r d of t h e r i d e m , h o l d i n g
o n to t h e steering wheel, she d e m u r e l y f l o u n c e d h e r skirt over
t h e seat, a n d t h e n , a r c h i n g t h e small of h e r b a c k a n d closing
h e r eyes, she slowly lowered herself u n t i l s h e felt t h e b u z z e d
brainless h e a d of t h e V a n D i l d e n n u d g e i n t o h e r u n d e r t h i g h .
She only h a d to readjust herself slightly, ticklish trickles moist
e n i n g o p e n h e r self-aware slypelips, a n d s h e was ready to b e
upfucked: s h e l o o k e d o u t smiling at t h e cars driving by a n d
s t a m p e d o n t h e t h r o t t l e , a n d with a l o n g g r o a n t h a t was
masked by t h e s u d d e n rev of t h e e n g i n e , h e r s l o p p i n g c u n t ness was forced b a c k a n d d o w n o n t h e full h a n d - p o u r e d width
of t h e V a n Dilden. S h e sat heavily d o w n o n it a n d m o w e d a n d
mowed, a n d as she m o w e d it was as if t h e w h o l e lawn was
concertedly fucking her: every little h u m m o c k , every u n d u l a
tion of turf, every t o u g h c l u m p of thistle stalk was t e l e g r a p h e d
directly via h e r autodick-fitted ridem directly i n t o h e r b o g g l e d
cervix, while all twelve p i s t o n i n g h o r s e p o w e r s a d d e d t h e i r
internal c o m b u s t i o n s to t h e party as well. S h e w o r k e d t h e lawn
for t e n m i n u t e s o r m o r e , risking a n u m b - o u t b u t successfully
avoiding it, smiling a g a i n at t h e traffic b e c a u s e they c o u l d n ' t
know t h e s u p r e m e full-pelvic c u n t f u c k i n g s h e was giving h e r
self as she m o w e d . S h e was lowering h e r h e a d forward toward
the steering wheel, j u s t o n t h e p o i n t of allowing herself to
crooningly c o m e , w h e n she n o t i c e d t h e U P S t r u c k p u l l over to
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t h e side of t h e r o a d . T h e driver waved his c l i p b o a r d at h e r a n d

walked u p with a l o n g o b l o n g b o x , stowing his sunglasses in
his shirt p o c k e t . M a r i a n s t r a i g h t e n e d a n d tried to collect her
self. T h e r e was n o way to t u r n t h e V a n D i l d e n off w i t h o u t
p u l l i n g u p h e r skirt. S h e was covered with sweat. Above
h u m a n h e a r i n g , h e r n i p p l e s were s c r e a m i n g for any knowl
e d g e a b l e m o u t h . S h e signed w h e r e t h e U P S m a n p o i n t e d , line
27, h o p i n g t h e i d l i n g m o t o r w o u l d h u r r y h i m off, a n d h e
a l m o s t h a n d e d h e r t h e b o x , a n d t h e n said s o m e t h i n g she
couldn't hear.
H e g e s t u r e d t o t h e front p o r c h questioningly with t h e box;
M a r i a n n o d d e d . S h e w a t c h e d h i m j o g to t h e p o r c h . H e r a n
like a c o a c h . S h e h a d n ' t n o t i c e d before t h a t his eyes were
attractive; his helpful h e s i t a t i o n was q u i t e sexy w h e n she was
a b l e to c o n t r a s t it with t h e idea of t h e m o l d e d t h i n g t h a t was
fucking h e r right at t h a t m o m e n t . N o n e t h e l e s s , she w a n t e d
h i m to drive off so t h a t she c o u l d finish m o w i n g .
H e was halfway d o w n t h e slope to his truck w h e n h e
s t o p p e d a n d c a m e b a c k with a "May I t r o u b l e you for some
thing?" expression.
"Yes?" she s h o u t e d .
H e said s o m e t h i n g she c o u l d n ' t catch. Reluctantly she cut
the mower engine. "Sorrywhat?"
" O h , y o u d i d n ' t have to t u r n t h a t off," h e said. " I was j u s t
w o n d e r i n g if I c o u l d h o s e off m y h e a d . I ' m b u r n i n g u p . It
m u s t b e over a h u n d r e d in t h e b a c k of t h e truck." Suddenly
h e frowned. " Y o u h e a r t h a t ? "
It was t h e vibrator. It felt so g o o d . S h e smiled a n d closed h e r
eyes. " W h a t exactly d o you h e a r ? "
"Is y o u r e n g i n e still o n ? " h e said.
" I t ' s n o t h i n g , " said M a r i a n . " G o h o s e y o u r h e a d , by all
m e a n s . T h e h o s e is right u p o n t h e side of t h e h o u s e . O h ,
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d a m n I h a d to t u r n off t h e water in t h e b a s e m e n t b e c a u s e it
leaks."
" N e v e r m i n d t h e n , t h a t ' s okay." H e was b a c k i n g away. H e
did look u n c o m f o r t a b l y h o t . S h e liked t h e i d e a of his h o s i n g
off his h e a d .
"It w o n ' t take a s e c o n d to t u r n t h e w a t e r o n , j u s t let m e get
off this t h i n g . " M a r i a n h e l d o u t h e r h a n d a n d h e steadyingly
t o o k it. "Oof," she said. S h e lifted herself carefully off t h e V a n
Dilden a n d d i s m o u n t e d from t h e m o w e r . T h e g l e a m i n g cocks h a p e c o n t i n u e d to buzz away trustify o n t h e slick, a n d in
places even frothy, seat. " P a r d o n m e , " she said, waving dismissively at t h e sight. " I was j u s t e x p e r i m e n t i n g . "
"Is t h a t . . . ?" h e said, slack-jawed, p o i n t i n g . " D i d I deliver
t h a t t h e o t h e r day?"
"You did. C o m e o n a n d I'll get t h e h o s e g o i n g . "
"Wait." H e t o o k off his shirt a n d d r a p e d it over t h e d i l d o .
" T h a n k s , " said M a r i a n .
While t h e U P S m a n b e n t at t h e waist a n d s p l u t t e r e d a n d
s n o r t e d in t h e cold hose-flow, M a r i a n o p e n e d t h e n e w b o x .
T h e lean d o u b l e - h e a d e d l e n g t h of t h e Royal W e l s h Fusilier lay
b e n t in half within.
"Is it w h a t you w a n t e d ? " t h e U P S m a n i n q u i r e d , w i p i n g t h e
water from his eyes. "If n o t , I c a n t a p e it u p for vou a n d s e n d
it right b a c k n o w . "
M a r i a n h e l d it u p a n d e x p e r i m e n t a l l y slid its two foreskins
back. " N o , it's m o r e o r less w h a t I e x p e c t e d . "
" W h a t d o you p l a n to d o with that? My n a m e ' s J o h n Westm a n , by t h e way."
M a r i a n i n t r o d u c e d herself a n d they s h o o k h a n d s . S h e felt
his eyes flicking over h e r n i p p l e s . "I k n o w w h a t I ' d like to d o , "
she said, " b u t u n f o r t u n a t e l y I c a n ' t d o it o n m y n e w
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l a w n - m o w e r b e c a u s e w h a t I have in m i n d n e e d s a little m o r e
privacy."
"Well, w h a t a b o u t t h e b a c k of my t r u c k ? "
" I was j u s t t h i n k i n g that. Y o u have to drive, t h o u g h . I ' m n o t
g o i n g to have sex with youis t h a t okay?"
" S u r e , I guess. I ' m j u s t i n t r i g u e d . You've g o t t e n m e all
intrigued."
T o g e t h e r they retrieved his shirt a n d h e r V a n Dilden.
"Lick this, will y o u ? " she said. H e licked t h e suction c u p
a n d she affixed t h e dick to t h e m e t a l floor of his truck. Boxes
were p i l e d h i g h o n wire shelves o n e i t h e r side of her. T h e r e
was a n a r r o w o p e n i n g to t h e front seat. T h e U P S m a n got in
t h e front a n d sat w a t c h i n g her. H e was s q u e e z i n g his crotch
t h r o u g h his p a n t s .
" N o , j u s t drive," she o r d e r e d , lifting h e r skirt a n d k n e e l i n g
over t h e V a n D i l d e n . " F i n d a dirt r o a d a n d drive o n it. I want
this t r u c k to b o u n c e . "
"My p l e a s u r e , " h e said. S h e t u r n e d t h e v i b r a t o r o n to full
a n d slid halfway d o w n o n it. W h i l e she s q u e e z e d Astroglide o n
t h e two e n d s of t h e Fusilier, h e t u r n e d o n t o a dirt r o a d in low
gear. T h e t r u c k r o c k e d a n d l u r c h e d . " O h , t h a t ' s it," she said,
feeling herself filled with u n e x p e c t e d lateral UPS-truck fuckm o t i o n s . Already a c h i n g from h e r earlier mowing, she was
i m p a t i e n t . " N o w s t o p for a second. I w a n t you to stick o n e e n d
of this in my ass."
S h e p u l l e d h e r skirt u p over h e r ass with o n e h a n d a n d
l e a n e d forward a n d passed h i m t h e d o u b l e - h e a d e d vibrator.
T h e h e a d of t h e V a n D i l d e n was still inside her.
" S h o u l d I t u r n it o n ? " h e asked, e x a m i n i n g t h e little r e m o t e
controller.
"Yeah, I guess, b u t , m m m , t h e m a i n t h i n g is to stuff it in my
ass right n o w . " H e t u r n e d it o n , u s i n g t h e little c o n t r o l box.
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T h e two b u z z i n g s were at slightly different p i t c h e s , wowing in

a n d o u t of p h a s e . M a r i a n felt s o m e t h i n g h a r d p u s h a g a i n s t
the m u s c l e of h e r ass. " T h a t ' s it," she said. S h e r e l a x e d a g a i n s t
it a n d let its h e a d go in. " P u s h it a little further. Wow. N o w
driveoh fuck, j u s t drive this fucking t r u c k . "
T h e U P S guy h o p p e d b a c k in his seat a n d p u t t h e t r u c k in
gear. M a r i a n u n b e n t h e r knees a n d sat flatly d o w n o n t h e V a n
Dilden with h e r legs e x t e n d e d in front of h e r . T h i s h a d t h e
effect of p u s h i n g t h e Royal Welsh Fusilier d e e p e r i n t o h e r ass.
It was like a fleshy tail. "I've got toys u p m y c u n t a n d u p my
ass," she m o a n e d . T h e t r u c k started b u m p i n g a n d j o s t l i n g .
She p u l l e d t h e l e n g t h of t h e Fusilier u p a g a i n s t h e r t a i l b o n e
a n d b e n t it a r o u n d h e r h i p a n d f o u n d that, as she h a d h o p e d ,
t h e o t h e r e n d easily r e a c h e d h e r clit. S h e p u l l e d b a c k its
"foreskin" a n d h e l d t h e slick s e c o n d h e a d a g a i n s t herself.
" O h , fuck" she said, feeling all of h e r circuits s t a r t i n g to get
busy.
"Is t h a t a b o u t r i g h t ? " called t h e U P S m a n . H e was driving
manfully from o n e gulley to t h e next, s t e e r i n g with o n e h a n d .
His other, M a r i a n saw, was in a fist, p o u n d i n g u p a n d d o w n
o n his surprisingly m e a t y c o r a l - g a b l e d cock. H i s b r o w n U P S
p a n t s were a r o u n d his knees, t h e z i p p e r splayed o p e n a n d
ready to rip. T h e dirt r o a d s l o p e d d o w n .
" S t a r t i n g to feel n i c e , " called M a r i a n politely. T h e n h e r
voice c h a n g e d to a c o m m a n d . "Nowpump
the brake. " S h e h e l d
the h e m of h e r skirt with h e r c h i n so t h a t she c o u l d look d o w n

at h e r s p r e a d vadge. T h e r o a d was p o u n d i n g t h e V a n D i l d e n ' s
c o c k s h a p e i n t o h e r s t i n g i n g cuntskin. S h e r e a c h e d b a c k a n d
twisted t h e Fusilier in h e r ass. H e r clit l o o k e d as if it were ready
to j u m p u p a n d p r o p o s e a toast to o l d friends; t h e o t h e r e n d
of t h e d o u b l e - h e a d e r was sitting solidly to o n e side of it,
talking in t h e fast, even, c o n f i d e n t n a s t y - r u m o r l a n g u a g e t h a t
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vibrators u s e with t h e i r clit-clients. S h e felt a g o r g e o u s h u g e

t h i c k - m u s c l e d o r g a s m m o v i n g slowly u p h e r legs a n d f a n n i n g
o u t toward all orifices. S h e s p a t h e r skirt o u t . " P u m p t h e b r a k e
h a r d e r ! " she c o m m a n d e d a g a i n . " O h shit! O h God! T h a t ' s it.
P u m p it. Brake, b r a k e , b r a k e . T h a t ' s it, like that. F U C K ME
W I T H Y O U R T R U C K ! J A C K T H A T BIG U G L Y D I C K A N D
F U C K MY ASS W I T H Y O U R T R U C K ! "
T h e U P S m a n , his l e g p u s h i n g t h e b r a k e - p e d a l in r a p i d
r h y t h m to t h e l o n g w h i t e - k n u c k l e d strokes of his fist, looked
as if h e c o u l d n ' t h o l d back a n o t h e r second. T h e t r u c k l u r c h e d
a n d rocked. A b o x from H a r r y a n d David's t u m b l e d over
beside Mariaii. S h e g r u n t e d d o w n against h e r toys, feeling
t h e m stretch h e r sex-holes to t h e p o i n t of p a i n . " N o w watch
m e c o m e ! " she called to t h e front seat. " K e e p p u m p i n g the
b r a k e a n d w a t c h this h o t little c u n t c o m e ! I'M C O M I N G !
AAAAAAAAH, fuck fuck fuck, c o m i n g , I'M C O M I N G ! " She
p r e s s e d t h e silicone s n a k e - h e a d h a r d e r against h e r clit a n d let
t h e truck-chassied o r g a s m b u m p a n d g r i n d t h r o u g h her.
T h e U P S m a n h a d his h e a d c r a n k e d a r o u n d a n d was watch
i n g h e r c r a m m e d c r o t c h , p o p - e y e d . H e m a d e a vowelly g r o a n
a n d lifted his b u t t clear off t h e seat. " O h , h e r e it c o m e s ! " h e
said. W i t h a final u p w a r d fist-stroke, his squat thick dick blew
a u n i t e d p a r c e l of p e c k e r p a s t e all over t h e sleeve of his u n i
form. " O o h , y e a h b a b e . O o h y e a h . "
H e p u t t h e t r u c k in n e u t r a l a n d t h e two of t h e m c a u g h t
t h e i r b r e a t h . M a r i a n s t o o d unsteadily, s m o o t h i n g h e r skirt.
T h e Royal Welsh Fusilier fell o u t of h e r ass to t h e floor with
a snakey t h u m p . T h e U P S m a n sighed happily. " T h e tightest
s h i p in t h e s h i p p i n g b u s i n e s s , " h e said, s h a k i n g his h e a d .
" T h a t ' s m e , " said M a r i a n .
W h e n t h e b r a k e s h a d cooled, h e drove h e r h o m e . A n d for
several m o n t h s afterward, w h e n e v e r J o h n t h e UPS m a n deliv140
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e r e d a white b o x a n d M a r i a n t h e l i b r a r i a n was at h o m e , h e
h e l p e d h e r test o u t t h e sex toy t h a t it was c e r t a i n to c o n t a i n .
W i t h o u t h i m , too, M a r i a n h a d large n u m b e r s of o u t d o o r gasms o n h e r ridem m o w e r , h e l p e d by several dilda, a n d w h e n
she was d o n e m o w i n g a n d c o m i n g for t h e a f t e r n o o n , she often
a r r a n g e d a towel in t h e s u n in t h e b a c k y a r d a n d lay t h e r e for
a n h o u r o r two with h e r glasses folded n e a r h e r h a n d , s m e l l i n g
the smell of c u t grass a n d gasoline a n d sex j u i c e o n h e r
fingers.
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JL
J L S
A PIECE O F ROT THIS WAS, I KNOW, A SMIDGE
KEYED-UP
in places, b u t for a first a t t e m p t I felt it w o u l d d o . It was fun

to write. B u t m u c h , m u c h m o r e fun was w a t c h i n g my s u n b a t h
i n g c o m p a n i o n r e a d it. I h a d s p e n t so m u c h t i m e alongside
h e r t h a t I felt she was a n old friend, a n d yet I h a d n o idea
h o w she w o u l d react. I stared at h e r m o u t h t h r o u g h t h e
b i n o c u l a r s . (She h a d p u t o n sunglasses.) Every line t h a t she
r e a d was a p e r s o n a l t r i u m p h for m e ; every time she m o v e d to
t h e n e x t p a g e I was in a b s o l u t e h e a v e n . T h i s was a p l e a s u r e
t h e likes of w h i c h I h a d n o t known. Even before she started
r e a d i n g , t h e sight of h e r p u l l i n g t h e b a g from t h e sand a n d
u n d o i n g t h e silver twist-tie m a d e my h e a r t swat in all direc142
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tions, like t h e C o c o a Puffs r a b b i t . I w a n t e d h e r to b e h o l d i n g

a n d r e a d i n g my h o m e - g r o w n s m u t so, so m u c h ! I so m u c h
w a n t e d to have i n s p i r e d a feeling of q u i c k e n e d curiosity in
her. T o have d o n e j u s t t h a t t o have c r e a t e d a n e x p r e s s i o n of
puzzled curiosity in t h e universe, w h e r e before t h e r e h a d b e e n
only a w o m a n lying in a g r e e n b a t h i n g suit in t h e s u n o n t h e
b e a c h , d i g g i n g in t h e sand.
A n d I wish I c o u l d w h i s p e r this for d r a m a t i c effectshe
did get a little turned onshe did, she did. T h e first sign of it
was w h e n she g l a n c e d a r o u n d to verify h e r d u n e - g r a s s e d isola
tion a n d t h e n subtly lifted h e r u p p e r b o d y a little h i g h e r o n
h e r elbows so t h a t h e r t i t s h a p e e l o n g a t e d , a n d t h e n w h e n
they, h e r two l a g g a r d c h e r u b i m , were h o v e r i n g a l m o s t free of
the e a r t h , she m o v e d h e r s h o u l d e r s so t h a t h e r n i p p l e - t i p s
grazed lightly over t h e o p e n m e s h - l i n e d c u p s of h e r u n d o n e
bikini t o p . I d e b a t e d s t o p p i n g t i m e to h o l d t h e m for a m o
m e n t , b u t I d e c i d e d t h a t I w a n t e d to see h e r r e a c t i o n c o n t i n u
ously, w i t h o u t i n t e r r u p t i o n . A little later, o n a b o u t t h e f o u r t h
p a g e of my typescript, she s c r a t c h e d h e r leg for a l o n g time,
a p p a r e n t l y f o r g e t t i n g t h a t she was scratching. I t o o k this as a
g o o d sign, a sign of a b s o r p t i o n . T h e n she p u l l e d h e r c h i n in
suddenly, surprised by s o m e t h i n g , a n d s h o o k h e r h e a d . S h e
looked a r o u n d . She r e s u m e d r e a d i n g . Then it b e g a n : t h e
r h y t h m i c a n t i p h o n a l t i g h t e n i n g of h e r b u t t - m u s c l e s b e g a n :
first t h e left, t h e n t h e right, left right, left right, so t h a t h e r
h e a r t - s h a p e d ass-curve systoled a n d diastoled b e f o r e m y eyes.
I knew t h a t these m a r c h i n g c o n t r a c t i o n s were p u s h i n g h e r
b u s h - b o n e h a r d i n t o t h e towel a n d i n t o t h e a c c o m m o d a t i n g
sand u n d e r n e a t h , a n d t h e sight of this secret self-assertion got
m e so h o t a n d frantic t h a t to work off t h e e n e r g y I h a d to d r o p
t h e b i n o c u l a r s a n d p u s h u p my glasses a n d s p r i n t d o w n t h e
l e n g t h of t h e b e a c h , s l a l o m i n g b a r e f o o t a r o u n d t h e h a l t e d
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family g r o u p s a n d single shell-musers a n d grizzled voyeurs.

O n t h e way back, r u n n i n g m o r e slowly, I hesitated before a tall
girl of sixteen o r seventeen in a b l u e maillot s t a n d i n g in a n
i n c h of water, r e c o i l i n g from t h e cold, a n d I s t o p p e d for a
s e c o n d , p a n t i n g , so t h a t I c o u l d slide h e r tight s h o u l d e r straps
off a n d r e g a r d h e r white, hippy, sexily i m p e r f e c t b o d y with h e r
suit t u r n e d inside o u t o n h e r legs. "You'll d o j u s t g r e a t , " I said
to h e r as I suited h e r b a c k u p . T h e n I r e s u m e d my b i n o c u l a r
station n e a r m y assive-aggressive r e a d e r a n d let myself calm
d o w n . Strangely, I felt a little guilt t h a t I h a d b e e n unfaithful
to h e r with t h e seventeen-year-old.
S h e r e a d t h e e n t i r e story, a n d w h e n she finished she p u t it
b a c k in t h e plastic b a g a n d twisted t h e twist-tie a r o u n d it a n d
b u r i e d it in t h e s a n d w h e r e s h e ' d f o u n d it, m a r k i n g its exis
t e n c e with t h r e e little shells. T h e n she r e a c h e d back a n d rec l a s p e d h e r t o p a n d t u r n e d over. I w a t c h e d h e r s t o m a c h rise
a n d fall as she b r e a t h e d . I fancied t h a t she was b r e a t h i n g a
little faster t h a n she w o u l d have b e e n if my words h a d n ' t j u s t
g o n e t h r o u g h h e r m i n d . I was in h e r m i n d . T h e r e were things
a b o u t w h a t she h a d r e a d t h a t she d i d n ' t like, o r t h a t s e e m e d
d u m b to h e r , b u t even so it was w o r k i n g o n h e r a n d m a k i n g
h e r w a n t to go home. S h e sat u p , p u t o n a loose faded shirt t h a t
w e n t a l m o s t to h e r knees, u n p i n n e d h e r hair, a n d walked u p
a p a t h to a set of newish c o n d o s o n o n e e n d of t h e b e a c h . I
d i d t h e u s u a l business of p a u s i n g h e r as she u n l o c k e d t h e
d o o r so t h a t I c o u l d slip p a s t h e r a n d h i d e s o m e w h e r e in h e r
a p a r t m e n t . I h a t e h i d i n g in w o m e n ' s a p a r t m e n t s w h e n they
a r e t h e r e , b e c a u s e I s u d d e n l y b e c o m e in d o i n g so a n i n t r u d e r ,
a n d all t h o s e awful h i d e r - i n - t h e - h o u s e movies inescapably
c o m e to m i n d , a n d t h e m u s i c t h r e a t e n s to t u r n tritonally
o m i n o u s . T h e last t h i n g in t h e world I w a n t is to b e seen as a
threat.
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B u t happily, I ' m g o o d at r e m a i n i n g u n d e t e c t e d in close

q u a r t e r s with a w o m a n . I have never yet scared a n y o n e . A n d
this p a r t i c u l a r w o m a n ' s place was perfect, since it was all o p e n
a n d loft-like, with a b e d r o o m s u p p o r t e d by c o l u m n s u p a
spiral flight of stairs. I sat o n h e r b e d l i s t e n i n g intently to h e r
p u t t e r i n g s below, a n d w h e n I h e a r d h e r steps o n t h e stairway,
I s t o p p e d t i m e a n d went d o w n a n d p a s t h e r ( d u c k i n g u n d e r
h e r a r m ) a n d sat o n a c h a i r in t h e k i t c h e n . T h e t o p s of m y ears
were g e t t i n g a little sore from all t h e time-pervertive p u l l i n g
a n d p u s h i n g o n my glasses, b u t it was a tiny p r i c e to pay. T h e
water b e g a n r u n n i n g in t h e p i p e s , always a g o o d sign. I
p u s h e d my t r i u n e c r o t c h - l u m p against t h e cool C o r i a n e d g e
of t h e c o u n t e r t o p .
Eventually I D r o p p e d a n d w e n t u p to see w h e t h e r it was t h e
sink o r a shower o r a b a t h a n d f o u n d h e r b e n t over, n a k e d ,
r u m m a g i n g a r o u n d in t h e b a c k of a drawer, while t h e lower
t a p filled h e r t u b . I s t u d i e d h e r profile for half a m i n u t e : she
h a d a lively, s o m e w h a t t h i n face, oily from s u n s c r e e n , with a
h i g h nose b r i d g e , a n o s e t h a t was m o r e i n t e l l i g e n t - s e e m i n g
t h a n h e r eyes, if t h a t m a k e s sense. ( T h o u g h I have to b e
careful a b o u t e v a l u a t i n g t h e intelligence of w o m e n ' s eyes in
t h e Fold, since a p e r s o n ' s look varies so radically from i n s t a n t
to instant, a n d I c o u l d j u s t b e c a t c h i n g h e r at a m o m e n t of
unflattering i n a t t e n t i o n . ) T h e c o r n e r s of h e r m o u t h were
tight as she r e a c h e d in h e r drawer. I c o u l d n ' t see w h a t h e r
h a n d s were s e a r c h i n g for u n d e r h e r folded sweatshirts a n d
leggings, b u t I h a d my h o p e s .
J u s t before a w o m a n takes a b a t h , as t h e w a t e r is r u n n i n g ,
h e r n u d i t y s u d d e n l y releases all of its c h a r g e d ions of lewdness
a n d b e c o m e s wholly artistique: she is n a k e d in o r d e r to b a t h e
herself, a n d bathe is such a s m o o t h - s u r f a c e d , wide-voweled,
m o d e s t w o r d t h a t you c a n a p p r e c i a t e t h e p a r t i c u l a r s of h e r
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b e a u t y w i t h o u t any of y o u r own erectile fierceness g e t t i n g in

t h e way. S h e is s u d d e n l y a m o d e r n d a n c e r , a water-sprite, a
w o o d - n y m p h , a naturist, h e r tits are n o t conceivably tits b u t
breasts, a n d n o m a t t e r h o w funkily they are s h a p e d they a p
p e a l to t h e lovingly appreciative Ansel A d a m s in us r a t h e r
t h a n to t h e g r o p e r a n d p o c k e t - p o o l player. T h i s despite h e r
manifest p r o t o s e x u a l c h a r m s , h e r softly d o m e y areolae, the
M o o r i s h a r c h h e r ass m a d e in giving way effortlessly to h e r
t h i g h s , all of w h i c h I was a b l e to review t h o r o u g h l y for t h e first
t i m e with h e r u p a n d o n h e r feet. I d i d n ' t s p e n d t o o l o n g in
t h a t early Fold, t h o u g h , e a g e r for h e r to get o n with h e r
i n t e n t i o n , w h a t e v e r it m i g h t b e . I got o u t of sight a n d t u r n e d
t i m e o n a n d distracted myself by r e a d i n g half a n article in
Cond Nast Traveler o n a lake system in C a n a d a (my b a t h e r ' s
n a m e , given o n t h e m a g a z i n e ' s address label, was Michelle
H o f f m a n ) , a n d t h e n , w h e n I h e a r d t h e water stop, I checked
in o n h e r a g a i n .
H e r b a t h h a d b e g u n . H e r knees were above t h e surface of
t h e water, t h e k n e e c a p s flat a n d s q u a r e , a n d t h e water was
clear ( n o genitally i r r i t a t i n g b u b b l e b a t h for this w o m a n ) , a n d
she h a d j u s t lifted o n e a r m , so t h a t l o n g p a l e - g r e e n streamers
a n d trailers of w a t e r p o u r e d stilly off of it. H e r h a n d loosely
h e l d a r e d w a s h c l o t h , soft with a s u r r o u n d of unfailing water.
I c o u l d easily have knelt in t h e b a t h t u b with h e r a n d j a c k e d
l o o k i n g at t h e way t h e riverine trails of w a t e r j o i n e d at h e r
elbow a n d fell off her, a little like t h o s e festive t r i a n g u l a r vinyl
flags h u n g a r o u n d u s e d - c a r lots.
(Actually n o t h e y d i d n ' t m a k e m e t h i n k of a used-car lot
at all at t h a t m o m e n t ; they m a d e m e t h i n k of t h e way a
w o m a n ' s u r i n e falls from b e t w e e n h e r legs, confusedly, in a
s t e g o s a u r i a n fan of h a r d - t o - s o u r c e cockscomb-triangles. I
u s e d to t h i n k t h a t t h e r e a s o n why w o m e n ' s u r i n a t i o n s o u n d e d
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so intricately different from m e n ' s h a d only to d o with t h e

e n d - p o i n t s of this splayed outflow, since t h e r e were so m a n y
s e p a r a t e p o i n t s of collision with toilet water, as o p p o s e d to t h e
single focused p l u n g e of t h e c o n t i n u o u s m a l e s t r e a m b u t
the o t h e r day, listening to J o y c e p e e in t h e ladies' r o o m from
the n e x t stall, I realized t h a t it isn't only that. T h e m o r e
i m p o r t a n t difference is t h a t m a l e u r i n e makes no noise as it flies
o u t of t h e p e n i s - k n o b , b e c a u s e it h a s b e c o m e , d u e to t h e
i n o r d i n a t e l e n g t h of t h e m a l e u r e t h r a , a c o h e r e n t , laserlike
flow. T h e only noise t h a t m e n m a k e , t h e n , is t h e n o i s e t h e i r
d e p a r t e d u r i n e p r o d u c e s later, in colliding with w h a t e v e r tex
t u r e a n d s u b s t a n c e it collides with. B u t w o m e n ' s u r e t h r a s a r e
n o t stealthy. T h e y are short, since they are n o t n e e d e d to h e l p
pulse o u t a c o m e s h o t (I i g n o r e t h e t o u c h y subject of fejaculation, o r ejillulation, h e r e ) ; t h e i r u r i n e wings excitedly o u t
r a t h e r t h a n releasing itself in a single l a m i n a r c o l u m n , a n d
this exit-spraying itself m a k e s a distinct noise, a likable, h i g h
whistle-warble-hissing t h a t you c a n h e a r over t h e b r o a d c a s t of
c o m p l e x t e r m i n a l splashings. " M a k i n g w a t e r " as a e u p h e
m i s m applies m u c h b e t t e r to w h a t w o m e n d o t h a n w h a t m e n
do.)
B u t I d i d n ' t w a n t to c o m e yet with M i c h e l l e I was c u r i o u s
a b o u t w h e t h e r she h a d any sexual p l a n s herself. T o b e h o n e s t ,
my feelings h a d b e e n a little h u r t t h a t she h a d n o t b r o u g h t
h o m e t h e story I h a d written for h e r to k e e p foreveral
t h o u g h I c o n s o l e d myself by t h i n k i n g t h a t m a y b e she was j u s t
b e i n g c o n s i d e r a t e in r e b u r y i n g it, n o t w a n t i n g to interfere
with s o m e top-secret interlover dropoff. I d i d feel a little
rejected, a n d I was h o p i n g to r e s t o r e m y c h e e r by w a t c h i n g
h e r d o s o m e t h i n g all by herself t h a t w o u l d serve as real c o n
crete p r o o f t h a t I h a d g o t t e n to h e r in a n actively crotchy
sense. J u s t a b a t h was n o t e n o u g h . K n e e l i n g by t h e e d g e of t h e
147
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t u b , I s p o t t e d s o m e t h i n g d a r k in t h e water n e a r h e r feet. H e r
toes were c u r l e d a r o u n d it. W h e n I p u t my h e a d very close to
t h e surface of t h e lavishly c h l o r i n a t e d water, steadying myself
o n o n e of h e r knees, I d e t e r m i n e d t h a t t h e object was, as I h a d
of c o u r s e h o p e d b u t h a d n ' t really allowed myself to expect, a
large black realistic r u b b e r dildo. S h e was b a t h i n g with h e r
r u b b e r d i l d o o h poetry! S h e was relaxing, letting h e r eyes
close, n o t t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h a t s i n g l e - m i n d e d s u b m a r i n e cruis
i n g a r o u n d o u t of sight, b e y o n d h e r b e n t knees, b u t b e c a u s e
it was u n q u e s t i o n a b l y t h e r e in t h e water with her, it was work
i n g u n d e r h e r t h o u g h t s a n d k e e p i n g h e r j u s t o n t h e e d g e of
c o n s c i o u s a r o u s a l . It was t i m e to take s o m e c h a n c e s with her.
I r e m o v e d all t h e clothes from t h e tall wicker l a u n d r y h a m
p e r t h a t s t o o d u n d e r t h e b a t h r o o m window a n d piled t h e m o n
h e r b e d a n d got inside t h e h a m p e r with a wrinkly dark-gray
l i n e n shirt of h e r s tied loosely over my face; t h o u g h I was in
s o m e t h i n g of a fetal position, a n d t h o u g h I c o u l d n o t see all
t h a t well t h r o u g h t h e linen, I c o u l d at least get s o m e n o t i o n
of w h a t was g o i n g o n as she p r o c e e d e d with h e r b a t h . I used
m y glasses to Unfold; at o n c e h e r h a n d t i g h t e n e d o n t h e r e d
w a s h c l o t h a n d lots of w a t e r fell a l o n g h e r a r m . T h e n n o t h i n g
m u c h h a p p e n e d for a l o n g time. S h e wiped b e a d s of sweat off
h e r f o r e h e a d with t h e w a s h c l o t h several times, a n d she sighed
a total of t h r e e l o n g sighs. T h e r e were splashes whose n a t u r e
I c o u l d n ' t d e t e r m i n e . S h e shaved h e r legs for a while. She r a n
s o m e m o r e h o t w a t e r a n d stirred it a r o u n d . O n c e o r twice she
w h i s p e r e d a l o u d , g o i n g over f r a g m e n t s of r e m e m b e r e d con
versation, as far as I c o u l d tell. S h e d i d w h a t looked to b e a set
of leg lifts. W h e n t h e p a i n in my knees b e c a m e too a c u t e I
D r o p p e d , c l i m b e d o u t , a n d t o o k a b r e a k downstairs, finishing
t h e article o n t h e C a n a d i a n lakes. I s a n g t h e Beatles s o n g
" H e r e , T h e r e a n d Everywhere," walking a r o u n d in h e r living
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r o o m . I left my clothes in a little m o u n d o n h e r coffee table

a n d went back upstairs a n d stuffed myself b a c k in h e r h a m p e r
with t h e linen shirt over my h e a d ; I knew g o o d t h i n g s were
g o i n g to h a p p e n . After t e n o r fifteen m i n u t e s she stood, let
t i n g t h e water p o u r off her, a n d toweled herself. I was o n alert
to p u s h u p my glasses at any s e c o n d if she d e c i d e d to t h r o w
t h e towel into t h e h a m p e r , b u t she d i d n ' t . After she d r i e d h e r
hair, she p u t t h e towel a r o u n d h e r s h o u l d e r s , a n d t h e n she
p l a n t e d h e r h a n d s o n t h e e d g e of t h e b a t h t u b a n d knelt with
o n e leg in t h e b a t h w a t e r a n d o n e o u t s i d e o n t h e floor. " O o h
that's so cold," she said, w h e n h e r v a d g e t o u c h e d t h e r o u n d e d
e d g e of t h e t u b .
I was too c r u m p l e d in t h e h a m p e r even to t h i n k of d o i n g
a n y t h i n g physical with my
richard,
b u t all I w a n t e d in any
event was t h e sight I was seeing; t h e sight of h e r l e a n i n g

forward o n h e r h a n d s a n d r o c k i n g t h e weight of h e r h i p s
down against t h e e d g e of t h e t u b . " W h e r e is t h a t c o c k ? " she
said. " I w a n t to see t h a t cock." S h e fished a r o u n d in t h e water
a n d p u l l e d o u t t h e d i l d o a n d l o o k e d at it. S h e d i p p e d it several
times in t h e water a n d p u l l e d it o u t , s h a k i n g it e a c h t i m e ,
evidently liking t h e way it glistened. T h e n she w o r k e d herself
d o w n t h e e d g e of t h e t u b a n d s u c t i o n e d t h e b l a c k dick o n t o
the tiled shower wall at a b o u t h e r eye level. S h e m o v e d h e r
face over it, kissing it in t h e m o s t wonderfully fetishistic way,
a n d b i t i n g o n it. "You like w h e n I suck t h a t b i g dick, d o n ' t
y o u ? " she said. S h e p u t two fingers d o w n o n t h e e d g e of t h e
t u b a n d r o c k e d forward o n t h e m , so t h a t h e r clit was strad
dled. S h e let t h e h e a d of t h e r u b b e r d i c k pass over h e r closed
eyelids, a n d t h e n she s t o o d u p a little, o n e l e g still in t h e
b a t h t u b a n d o n e out, a n d stroked h e r slit very fast while she
circled t h e w a l l - m o u n t e d dick with h e r n i p p l e s . W h e n she h a d
s t r a i g h t e n e d h e r legs completely, she was a b l e to l e a n herself
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against t h e tile wall with t h e r u b b e r d i c k b e t w e e n h e r legs a n d

m o v e its resilience over h e r clit-lump. H e r f o r e h e a d a n d n i p
ples t o u c h e d t h e cold g r e e n tile. S h e kissed t h e towel o n h e r
s h o u l d e r s o n c e . I was d y i n g with visual h a p p i n e s s .
"You w a n t this ass?" she asked t h e dildo a n d s e e m e d to get
a n affirmative answer, for she t u r n e d away from it with h e r
h a n d s o n t h e e d g e of t h e t u b , wiggling h e r ass back a n d forth
in front of it. T h e s u c t i o n base lost suction a n d t h e cock fell
s u d d e n l y o n t o a scallop-shell s o a p dish. "Aw, did I shock you,
h o n e y ? " she said. " A m I g o i n g t o o fast for y o u ? " S h e d i p p e d
it in t h e b a t h w a t e r again, s h o o k it off, a n d , s t r a d d l i n g t h e t u b ,
stuck it b a c k o n t h e e d g e of t h e t u b a n d sucked it. "See how
easy it is to get y o u h a r d a g a i n ? " she said. S h e stood over it,
p u l l i n g u p o n h e r p u b i c h a i r so t h a t she c o u l d see h e r clit, a n d
she said to t h e d i l d o , "You ready to fuck this nice clean cunt?
B e c a u s e I s u r e a m ready for you. I b e t you are. Are you b i g a n d
stiff e n o u g h to fill this h u n g r y c u n t ? " S h e b e n t h e r knees until
its r u b b e r h e a d f o u n d her, a n d t h e n she sat d o w n h a r d o n it.
S h e fucked it b o u n c i n g l y for a little while a n d t h e n got off of
it a n d w e n t to get a m i r r o r a n d p r o p p e d it u p so she c o u l d
watch h e r r u b b e r m a n g o i n g in a n d o u t . She fucked it s o m e
m o r e . I n t h e h a z e of t h e shirt of hers t h a t I was w e a r i n g I
w a t c h e d h e r finger o r b i t h e r clit-folds u n t i l I was ready to
w e e p at t h e lyricism of it. Was Michelle this nasty o n a r e g u l a r
basis? M a y b e n o t . S h e ' d really h a d to g r o p e to find t h e dildo
in h e r dresser i n t h e first place. T h i s was n o t a n everyday sort
of a u t o f u c k for her, I d i d n ' t think. My UPS truck m i g h t have
h a d s o m e t h i n g to d o with it.
I k e p t perfectly still, hardly b r e a t h i n g , while she c a m e closer
a n d closer to c o m i n g . S h e w o u l d stop s u d d e n l y j u s t before she
c a m e , fucking slowly u p a n d d o w n o n t h e dildo s o m e m o r e ,
t h e n frigging for a while. S h e started m a k i n g s o m e incredible
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THE
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c l e n c h e d - t e e t h noises, followed by p h e a s a n t y s o u n d s so su
p e r b t h a t I was surprised I h a d b e e n a b l e to live w i t h o u t t h e m .
H e r little finger w e n t i n t o h e r asshole a n d she s q u i n t e d ,
cleared for takeoff. S h e s t a r t e d saying, " O h fuck this c u n t ,
baby, fuck it, fuck this c u n t , " over a n d over. T h e n h e r face
w r e n c h e d itself i n t o a s q u i n t i n g a c c e l e r a t e d g r i m a c e a n d I
p u s h e d u p o n my glasses, s t o p p i n g h e r right in t h e m i d d l e of
her dildorgasm.
I c l i m b e d o u t of t h e h a m p e r , very slowly b e c a u s e I was stiff.
I studied h e r climax-face from every a n g l e , trying to r e c o r d its
transient extremity in my m e m o r y . I h e l d h e r perky little
finger, which was still h o o k e d in h e r a n e . I rested my e a r o n
t h e e d g e of t h e t u b a b o u t t h r e e i n c h e s from h e r o p e n b o a t
a n d stared at t h e finger t h a t was b e s t i r r i n g itself a r o u n d h e r
b r i g h t - p i n k p u m p e d - u p nerve; a n d b e y o n d it at t h e very soft
i n n e r skin s t r e t c h e d tight a r o u n d m y fellow A m e r i c a n , m y
fellow r u b b e r h i d e r - i n - h e r - h o u s e . I loved w h a t I saw. I licked
h e r knuckles; I t a p p e d m y dick against h e r breasts to see h o w
they quivered; I s t r a d d l e d t h e t u b j u s t as she was s t r a d d l i n g it,
facing her, a n d b e a t my richard savagely u n t i l I was a l m o s t
there. W h e n I was ready I s t o o d a n d said, " L e t m e b e t h e r e
with you, honey, y o u ' r e so sexy, please let m e c o m e o n y o u r
face," in a s t r a n g e a l m o s t s i n g s o n g p l e a d i n g voice, a n d with
o u t waiting for a n answer from h e r I let all of my b u r n i n g
b e c h a m e l j u m p o u t o n t o h e r tightly closed eyes, u n a b l e to
resist d o i n g so even t h o u g h I knew t h a t I w o u l d p r o b a b l y
r e g r e t it a f t e r w a r d n o t least b e c a u s e it w o u l d b e so m u c h
t r o u b l e to get all of it off h e r eyelashes a n d eyebrows. W h e n
I was d o n e I sat d o w n o n t h e t u b for a s e c o n d to rest. " T h a n k
y o u , " I said. I wasn't crazy a b o u t t h e way m y c o m e l o o k e d o n
h e r closed eyes, b u t t h e b e a u t y of h e r ecstatic e x p r e s s i o n
survived it; in fact t h e existence of t h e o u t c o m e of my o r g a s m
1 5 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
o n h e r still-coming face s e e m e d entirely irrelevant, as it

s h o u l d have. I t u r n e d t i m e o n for t h e tiniest fraction of a
s e c o n d , so t h a t she w o u l d have a tactile flash of t h e sensation
of liquid w a r m t h , in case it w o u l d a d d a novel t o u c h to h e r
clasm, a n d t h e n I s p e n t a g o o d t e n m i n u t e s t a m p i n g a n d
gently r i n s i n g every sign of my s p e r m off of her. I p u t h e r dirty
clothes b a c k in h e r h a m p e r . I took a last look a r o u n d to b e
s u r e I h a d left everything in o r d e r . I stood b e h i n d h e r a n d
flashed t i m e o n a g a i n for a s e c o n d o r two to b e sure that,
p o s t - o r g a s m , she d i d n ' t suspect t h a t she h a d h a d c o m p a n y ,
a n d w h e n I was c o n v i n c e d t h a t she felt safe a n d unviolated I
w e n t downstairs a n d got dressed a n d let myself quietly o u t . It
h a d n ' t really h a p p e n e d .
I i n t e n d e d to leave my U P S story b u r i e d in t h e s a n d w h e r e
she h a d m a r k e d it with t h r e e shells, in case she w a n t e d it at
s o m e f u t u r e d a t e , b u t as I m o u n t e d my b o r r o w e d motorcycle,
vanity o v e r c a m e m e a n d I h u s t l e d back to d i g it u p . T h e n , still
in t h e Fold, I d r o v e slowly h o m e . I k e p t t h i n k i n g of Michelle's
b a t h as I cruised d o w n t h e s h o u l d e r of R o u t e 3; I ardently
wished I h a d a p i c t u r e of Michelle's come-face (before I h a d
c o m e o n it myself, I m e a n ) : it was t h e k i n d of sight t h a t c o u l d
e n h a n c e y o u r life for a d e c a d e . Sadly, P o l a r o i d pictures taken
in t h e F o l d d o n ' t d e v e l o p p r o p e r l y I know b e c a u s e I've tried.
T h e r e was a w o m a n in a n a i r p l a n e b a t h r o o m o n c e : I saw h e r
flipping t h r o u g h a Playboy "Girls of S u m m e r " issue at t h e
a i r p o r t gift s h o p a n d t h e n k e p t tabs o n h e r in t h e p l a n e , a n d
w h e n s h e w e n t t o t h e b a t h r o o m I knew she w o u l d p r o b a b l y b e
c o m i n g a n d I D r o p p e d a n d got a key from a p o c k e t of o n e of
t h e flight a t t e n d a n t s a n d o p e n e d t h e d o o r a n d f o u n d h e r with
o n e h e e l in t h e steel sink a n d t h e o t h e r p r o p p e d in t h e air
w h e r e t h e d o o r h a d b e e n , c o m i n g stunningly, a n d I b o r r o w e d
a passenger's Polaroid and took her picture, but through
152
THE
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s o m e oddity of Fold-chemistry t h a t I will n e v e r u n d e r s t a n d ,

t h e g r e e n s a p p e a r e d only very faintly, a n d t h e o r a n g e s a n d
reds did n o t show u p at all, so my o w n visual m e m o r y was all
I h a d . It surprises m e , incidentally, t h a t n o b o d y h a s l a u n c h e d
a m e n ' s m a g a z i n e called O-Shots, d e v o t e d exclusively to closeu p p h o t o g r a p h s of w o m e n ' s faces in t h e m i d s t of o r g a s m . At
t h e e n d of e a c h p h o t o layout w o u l d b e a little official-looking
certificate of authenticity, s i g n e d by t h e m o d e l , t h a t said, " I
hereby certify a n d swear t h a t I d i d r e a c h o n e o r m o r e female
o r g a s m s d u r i n g t h e p h o t o s h o o t h e r e i n p i c t u r e d a n d t h a t my
expressions are n e i t h e r fiction n o r semifiction b u t a r e t h e
true, u n s i m u l a t e d result of my o w n p l e a s u r e a n d a m u s e
m e n t . " I w o u l d subscribe. O r p e r h a p s a n O - s h o t c a l e n d a r
the M a r c h orgasm-face, t h e N o v e m b e r orgasm-face?
T h e guy whose motorcycle I h a d b o r r o w e d was sitting sul
lenly against a tree n e a r w h e r e I h a d d i s m o u n t e d h i m . T h e
n o t e t h a t I h a d p i n n e d to his leg was c r u m p l e d in his h a n d ;
it said, / have borrowed your bike. Wait here and I will return it to
you shortly. Sensibly, h e h a d waited, b u t h e w a s n ' t h a p p y a b o u t
it. I p a r k e d t h e bike in front of h i m a n d walked h o m e a n d lay
d o w n o n t h e grass. I t o o k off my glasses a n d r u b b e d m y eyes.
T i m e t u r n e d b a c k o n everywhere. I was e x h a u s t e d . T h e total
elapsed Strine-time h a d b e e n a l m o s t eleven h o u r s ; e l a p s e d
real time, a little over two h o u r s . I n t h e s p a c e of a single " d a y "
I h a d b e c o m e a modestly successful a m a t e u r p o r n o g r a p h e r .
" R o t m a k e s life," I sighed h a p p i l y to myself, t h i n k i n g of lonely
old H e n r y J a m e s , a n d t h e n I d o z e d for a while o n t h e b l u e
striped towel.
153
/0\
II
A'F G O T T E N
INTO A NEW AND
BETTER WORK
RHYTHM.
NOW
s p e n d every o t h e r twenty-four-hour p e r i o d in Fold-furled iso

lation. I wake u p at seven-thirty, a n d if it's g o i n g to b e a Fold
day I thick-fingeredly s n a p t i m e off, shake my watch to u n
freeze it, a n d s p e n d t h e w h o l e n e x t twenty-four h o u r s en
closed within t h e q u i e s c e n t seven-thirtyness of my r o o m ,
w o r k i n g o n this b o o k . I have w e a n e d myself from h i g h - v o l u m e
e a r b u d s ; I c a n t h i n k n o w w i t h o u t h e a r i n g music o n t h e radio.
Rarely, I take s h o r t walks. I e a t l u n c h a n d d i n n e r a n d go to
b e d exactly as I w o u l d were t i m e in effect, a n d yet I have a
w h o l e stilled writing day f u n d e d with e a r l y - m o r n i n g qualities
of light t h a t h e l p m e c o n c e n t r a t e . After a " n i g h t ' s " sleep, I
154
THE
FERMATA
wake t h e world with a s e c o n d s n a p a n d have a s h o w e r a n d g o

to my c o n t i n u i n g t e m p a s s i g n m e n t at MassBank. It is n o t s u c h
a g o o d t h i n g for m e to b e s p e n d i n g half m y life in t h e Fold,
d o u b l i n g my r a t e of aging, b u t I only p l a n to k e e p u p this
a l t e r n a t i n g s c h e d u l e u n t i l I finish a little m o r e of m y a u t o b i
o g r a p h y . A n u n e x p e c t e d benefit of t h e r e g i m e n is t h a t real
life, t h e life I s p e n d in time's flow, feels n o t u n p l e a s a n t l y
e l o n g a t e d , as if I were t e n years old again; m y privately inter
p o l a t e d "yesterdays" p u s h real events of only two o r t h r e e days
ago into t h e m i d d l e - d i s t a n t past.
A m I a n a l i e n a t e d p e r s o n ? S o m e w h o have r e a d this far
m i g h t say s o s o m e m i g h t say t h a t a m a n w h o c o m e s o n t o a n
u n k n o w n w o m a n ' s ecstatically s q u i n t i n g orgasm-face w i t h o u t
h e r b e i n g aware of it is definitely a n a l i e n a t e d p e r s o n o r
worse. A n d t e m p s are p r i m a facie a l i e n a t e d by virtue of t h e i r
vocational rootlessness. B u t I d o n ' t see t h a t nasal, sociologi
c a l - s o u n d i n g w o r d a p p l y i n g in any useful way to m e . I get
a l o n g well with p e o p l e . I h a v e n ' t p e r h a p s d o n e s u c h a g o o d
j o b of establishing m y sanity in this sketch of my life, since I
have h a d to c o n c e n t r a t e o n t h e e p i s o d e s of t e m p o r a l distor
tion t h a t m a k e my e x p e r i e n c e u n i q u e , a n d they a l m o s t always
e m b r a c e t h e c o n t r o l l e d m e n t a l d i s o r d e r k n o w n as sexual
arousal, b u t I ' m n o t by any m e a n s a crazy p e r s o n . I d o n ' t have
a flat affect. I ' m friendly a n d likable. I g o o u t o n t h e occa
sional d a t e . I have several m a l e friends, even. I have h a d
l o n g - t e r m r e l a t i o n s h i p s with t h r e e w o m e n , R h o d y b e i n g t h e
most recent. T h e only m a j o r difference b e t w e e n m e a n d any
n u m b e r of residents of t h e g r e a t e r B o s t o n a r e a is t h a t I have
b e e n able to invent a n d m a k e u s e of several sorts of c h r o n o clutch. N o , t h e r e is a difference, I think: I ' m a r r o g a n t e n o u g h
to believe, at least to believe s o m e t i m e s , t h a t t h e r e a s o n t h a t
/ have b e e n c h o s e n over any o t h e r c o n t e m p o r a r y h u m a n to
155
NICHOLSON
BAKER
receive a n d d e v e l o p this c h r o n a n i s t i c ability (if t h e r e is i n d e e d

s o m e s u p e r n a t u r a l t e m p agency d o i n g t h e c h o o s i n g ) is may
b e t h a t I can b e t r u s t e d with i t t r u s t e d at least n o t to d o
any real h a r m . M o r a l s d e p e n d in p a r t o n c o n s e q u e n c e ; con
s e q u e n c e o n t i m e ; a n d since my amoralities
flourish
and
e x p i r e entirely in m o m e n t a r y pico-states of timeless inconse

q u e n c e , t h e u s u a l rules j u s t d o n ' t have t h e s a m e prohibitive
force. N o b o d y else s h o u l d b e entitled to take off w o m e n ' s
clothes at will, at t h e s n a p of a finger o r t h e flip of a switch,
b u t I t h i n k I s h o u l d b e , b e c a u s e , for o n e t h i n g , my curiosity
has m o r e love a n d t o l e r a n c e in it t h a n o t h e r m e n ' s does.
Before R h o d y b r o k e u p with m e , she o n c e told m e t h a t t h e
a t t r a c t i o n to h a v i n g a n affair with a p a i n t e r (a figurative
p a i n t e r , she m e a n t ) was t h e possibility t h a t h e w o u l d really
see h e r a n d k n o w all t h a t was to b e k n o w n a b o u t t h e s h a p e
of h e r b o d y w h e n she u n d r e s s e d for h i m t h e r e w o u l d b e a
thrilling c o m p l e t e n e s s to h e r u n d r e s s i n g . T o n o b o d y else
w o u l d h e r physical self m e a n as m u c h as it m e a n t to his eye,
a n d so h e r o w n n u d i t y w o u l d feel sexier with h i m t h a n with
a n y o n e else. I ' m n o t a p a i n t e r , I ' m only a t e m p a n d a n occa
sional creative r o t t e r , a n d yet I d o c o n t e n d t h a t w h e n I strip
a p a s s i n g w o m a n o n t h e street b e c a u s e h e r face o r b o d y calls
o u t to m e , I see m o r e in h e r t h a n o t h e r s d o . O f c o u r s e t h e r e
is plenty of self-deception possible h e r e . B u t I c a n truthfully
say t h a t I ' m never d i s a p p o i n t e d , n e v e r I ' m never able to
feel a n y t h i n g b u t love a n d g r a t i t u d e toward a w o m a n w h e n I
secretly take off h e r clothes. Say t h e r e is a low c e s a r e a n scar
t h a t n o b o d y b u t h e r h u s b a n d h a s seen at close r a n g e . Say
t h e r e is s o m e p a r t of h e r b o d y t h a t I will see t h a t she isn't
very p r o u d of. I n s e e i n g it, I feel t h e g o o d n e s s in m e blos
somI
k n o w t h a t she w o u l d b e e m b a r r a s s e d a b o u t
my
h a v i n g seen this feature, whatever it is, a n d I t u r n t h e knowl156
THE
FERMATA
e d g e of h e r i m p u t e d e m b a r r a s s m e n t i n t o a n u p w e l l i n g of
affection for h e r a n d h e r vulnerabilities.
I w o u l d c o n d e m n in t h e strongest t e r m s a n y o n e else w h o
did w h a t I have d o n e . B u t t h e t h i n g is, I d i d it, / d i d it, a n d
I know myself, I k n o w t h a t I m e a n n o h a r m , I m e a n well. I
want simply to know w h a t every w o m a n looks like a n d feels
like. I m e a n only to a p p r e c i a t e w h a t t h e ribs of a c o m p l e t e
s t r a n g e r feel like u n d e r my h a n d s , o r to h o l d s o m e h a i r I
h a v e n ' t h e l d before, o r to c o m e in s o m e o n e ' s face while she
is p a u s e d in h e r own o r g a s m . A n d since in t h e F e r m a t a I
h a p p e n to b e able to act o n these wants w i t h o u t t r o u b l i n g
herwithout shaming or frightening her or
interrupting
what she is d o i n g o r t h i n k i n g , simply by s t o p p i n g t h e e n t i r e

known universe for a few m i n u t e s o r h o u r s , I feel t h a t w h a t
I ' m d o i n g isn't w r o n g e n o u g h for m e to override m y irresist
ible desire to d o it. I n fact, m a y b e w h a t I ' m d o i n g is straight
forwardly r i g h t a n d good! I n e v e r ogle o r leer o n sidewalks.
T h e Fold has p e r m i t t e d m e to perfect m y s u r r e p t i t i o u s n e s s .
Maybe every single w o m a n I have s t r i p p e d , if she knew m e , if
she c o u l d know n o w w h a t my t h o u g h t s h a d b e e n as I u n z i p p e d
h e r dress a n d u n d i d h e r bra, w o u l d w a n t m e to have s t r i p p e d
h e r a n d sucked h e r breasts a n d u n d e r s t o o d h e r b o d y as it truly
deserved to b e u n d e r s t o o d .
Rhody, however, d i d n ' t view it t h a t way. W h e n I tried t h e
idea o u t o n h e r ( o n t h e p l a n e h o m e from o u r b e a c h vaca
t i o n ) , she was i n t e r e s t e d at first, a n d t h e n l a t e r she t u r n e d
against it, u s i n g awful a n d , in my o p i n i o n , off-base w o r d s like
" n e c r o p h i l i a " to c h a r a c t e r i z e it. L e t m e say t h a t I a m n o t a
n e c r o p h i l e . T h e n o t i o n has n o a p p e a l . Liaisons a m o n g t h e
u n d e a d are fashionable, b u t I d o n ' t have a d r o p of v a m p i r i c
b l o o d in m e . (I did, however, o n c e p u t a p a i r of " n i p p l e
n o o s e s " o n t h e f a m o u s A n n e Rice at B a r n e s & N o b l e s o m e
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years a g o , w h e n I was at t h e h e i g h t of my m e c h a n i c a l - p e n c i l
F o l d - p h a s e . I clicked t i m e o n for a m i n u t e o r two so she would
have a c h a n c e to feel t h e m while she signed my copy of h e r
b o o k , w h i c h was g o i n g to b e a b i r t h d a y p r e s e n t for somebody.
T h e n I r e m o v e d t h e m . If she n o t i c e d a n y t h i n g , she was ex
tremely cool a b o u t it a n d d i d n ' t let on.) T h e F e r m a t a allows
s o m e t h i n g to o c c u r t h a t is t h e exact o p p o s i t e of t h e n e c r o philic ideal: it allows m e e n o u g h t i m e to take in a p a r t i c u l a r
lived s e c o n d of o n e w o m a n ' s life, t h e i n c r e m e n t a l o u t c o m e of
so m a n y decisions a n d m i s f o r t u n e s a n d delights a n d griefs,
while she is in t h e very m i d s t of fleetingly b r i n g i n g it i n t o
b e i n g . T h e ability to investigate all aspects of h e r careless
aliveness, w h e r e h e r clothes stretch, h e r body's textures, h e r
e x p r e s s i o n , h e r smells, t h e way she h a p p e n s to b e s t a n d i n g o r
m o v i n g , as they a r e fused in a single total i n s t a n t a n e o u s fe
m a l e delta-self, is t h e g r e a t l u r e of t h e Fold. T h e Fold allows
m e to d o sexual j u s t i c e to times w h e n she is fully conscious,
b u t n o t in t h e least self-conscious; "stalls," H o p k i n s m i g h t
have called t h e m , in t h e daily fluidity of h e r life whose specific
c o m p l e x of qualities w o u l d have otherwise g o n e u n s e e n by
a n y o n e u n p h o t o g r a p h e d , u n c e l e b r a t e d , u n v a l u e d , unloved.
It is t h e i r r a n d o m n e s s a n d , often, t h e i r very lack of overt
sexiness t h a t m a k e s t h e s e instants so erotically precious. My
sense of sight is infinitely a n d lovingly p r o m i s c u o u s , a n d e a c h
t i m e I D r o p I g e t a n o t h e r c h a n c e to love a c h o s e n b o d y as it
really is: to see a w o m a n ' s ass, for e x a m p l e , w h e n its ownero p e r a t o r is t a l k i n g at a p a y - p h o n e a n d t h i n k i n g a b o u t o t h e r
t h i n g s t h a n t h e fact t h a t she h a s a n ass, a n d h e r ass c a n
t h e r e f o r e b e c o m p l e t e l y itself.
(For example, once I noticed a w o m a n washing the long
stretch of glass in front of t h e freezer-counter in t h e ice c r e a m
p l a c e w h e r e she worked, in a m a l l s h e w o r k e d t h e cloth so
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vigorously over t h e glass t h a t h e r ass circled u n r e s t r a i n e d l y

clockwise to c o u n t e r b a l a n c e h e r h a r d work. S h e was w e a r i n g
extremely tight stretchy j e a n s of a sort I c a n ' t fully u n d e r s t a n d
b u t can forgive, a n d I w r o t e o u t t h e e q u a t i o n I u s e d b a c k t h e n
to get into the F o l d a n e q u a t i o n a d a p t e d from o n e I saw in
a j o u r n a i of m a t h e m a t i c s a n d I p u l l e d h e r p a n t s d o w n a n d
c a m e into a s u g a r c o n e s t a r i n g at t h e cleavage of h e r ass. B u t
I see now t h a t this isn't in fact a g o o d e x a m p l e of m y a p
preciating a n ass while it is unselfconsciously itself, since t h e
reason I was a t t r a c t e d to h e r was t h a t I h a d b e e n o b s e r v i n g h e r
for a few m i n u t e s b e f o r e h a n d , as she served a c u s t o m e r , a n d
I h a d sensed h o w relatively u n p r o u d of h e r face a n d u p p e r
body she was, a n d h o w c e r t a i n she was t h a t h e r ass was h e r best
feature, a n d h o w m u c h t h e r e f o r e she h a d wanted to wash t h e
glass boldly in front of h e r store, t h o u g h it was q u i t e clean,
with h e r b a c k to all t h e mall-boys. As t h e i r r e p r e s e n t a t i v e , o n
their behalf, I came.)
T h e p o i n t is, in any case, t h a t I c o u l d n e v e r get i n t e r e s t e d
in a w o m a n w h o was passed o u t d r u n k , o r was sedated, in a
c o m a , o r d e a d ; for t h e n she is u n c o n s c i o u s of m e , a n d w h a t
I want is to b e with h e r w h e n she w o u l d b e c o n s c i o u s of m e
b u t for t h e fact t h a t I have interjected myself i n t o a c h i n k of
h e r day so infinitesimally brief t h a t she c a n ' t k n o w t h a t I have
come and gone.
T h e way t h e discussion c a m e u p with R h o d y was t h a t she
a n n o u n c e d , o n t h e p l a n e , a p r o p o s of tiny L a t i n o swimsuits,
that m o r e a n d m o r e she was i n t e r e s t e d in s e e i n g n a k e d m e n
a n d their penises. She said she liked t h e i d e a of
semisby
which she m e a n t penises t h a t w e r e n ' t totally h a r d , since a

h a r d straight line was u n b e a u t i f u l against t h e h u m a n body,
n o r totally soft a n d wrinkly either, b u t r a t h e r loungingly, curvingly full a n d interested a n d ready to b e teased straightlike
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(she e x p l a i n e d ) J i m m y Cliff's p e n i s in The Harder They Come.

I got a n i m a t e d , b e c a u s e I love talking a b o u t sex, a n d I i m p u l
sively d e c i d e d t h a t this was t h e right m o m e n t to b e g i n to
confess m y F o l d history to her, c o u c h i n g it first as a hypotheti
cal case. All r i g h t t h e n , I said to h e r , w h a t did she t h i n k of t h e
i d e a of s o m e sort of c h o r d o n t h e p i a n o t h a t whenever you
played it, s t o p p e d time? Say back w h e n she was at Tufts, h e r
p i a n o t e a c h e r ( s o m e o n e o n w h o m s h e ' d told m e s h e ' d h a d a
c r u s h ) h a d b e e n w o r k i n g o n a conclusive e d i t i o n of a piece
called Map,
by a o n c e f o r g o t t e n b u t n o w increasingly re
spected twentieth-century composer n a m e d Mascon Albedo.

Say that, in c o m p a r i n g t h e microfilmed m a n u s c r i p t s with t h e
1 9 0 3 Yates a n d B o l i n g e d i t i o n of t h e work, Rhody's p i a n o
t e a c h e r , A l a n Sparkling, discovered a s u r p r i s i n g n u m b e r of
significant e r r o r s a n d r i g h t e d t h e m . As his corrections ac
c u m u l a t e d , h e b e g a n to feel n o t only t h a t Map was a m u c h
g r e a t e r work t h a n a n y o n e c o u l d have known, b u t also t h a t h e ,
A l a n S p a r k l i n g , was d e v e l o p i n g a sure instinct for Albedo's
style. A n d his instinct told h i m t h a t t h e r e was o n e c h o r d
which, even t h o u g h it c h e c k e d o u t as correct against several
of t h e relevant m a n u s c r i p t s , still s o u n d e d q u i t e w r o n g , o r at
least i n c o m p l e t e . It d i d n ' t s o u n d at all like t h e c h o r d A l b e d o
w o u l d have written at t h a t m o m e n t in t h e piece. A n d it was a
c h o r d of crucial i m p o r t a n c e to t h e m e a n i n g of t h e worka
very soft c h i m i n g t h a t arrived after a l o n g stretch of m u r k i e r
p i a n i s m t h a t s h o u l d have c o m e off as s t r a n g e a n d t r i u m p h a n t ,
b u t as it s t o o d d i d n o t . T h e c h o r d was s u r m o u n t e d by a
fermata.
S e n s i n g a m a j o r discovery t h a t w o u l d crown his new edition,
S p a r k l i n g w e n t b a c k to Sewanee University, w h e r e Albedo's
m a n u s c r i p t s were kept, a n d l o o k e d a g a i n t h r o u g h s o m e of the
n o t e b o o k s t h a t t h e M a s t e r h a d k e p t d u r i n g t h e t i m e h e was
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c o m p o s i n g t h a t p a r t i c u l a r m o v e m e n t of Map. A l b e d o ' s later

life h a d b e e n d e c o r a t e d with o d d i n c i d e n t s a n d m i n o r scan
d a l s t h e r e h a d b e e n actual r u m o r s of insanity. I n t h e n o t e
books t h e r e were t a n t a l i z i n g a n n o t a t i o n s over c e r t a i n motivic
scrapsthings like " O h G o d , yes!" a n d " A n d h e r e t h e Field
develops g r e a t e r p o t e n c y . " A l a n b e g a n to have t h e sense t h a t
Map h a d b e e n m o r e t h a n a piece of p i a n o m u s i c to A l b e d o ;
that it h a d c o n s t i t u t e d s o m e sort of m a g i c sonic r e c i p e o r spell
for h i m . H e also b e g a n strongly to s u s p e c t t h a t t h e e r r o r s in
the Yates a n d B o l i n g e d i t i o n h a d n o t b e e n t h e fault of t h e
publisher but h a d been intentional last-minute alterations o n
Albedo's part, m e a n t to disable w h a t e v e r powers Map gave its
p e r f o r m e r , so t h a t h e , A l b e d o , c o u l d r e m a i n in sole posses
sion of t h e m . Finally, in o n e of t h e n o t e b o o k s h e c a m e across
a heavily e r a s e d p a r t of a p a g e u n d e r a large f e r m a t a a n d , with
the h e l p of a magnifying glass, was a b l e to r e a d t h e c h o r d
written t h e r e . It was a n i n c o m p a r a b l y finer v a r i a n t of t h e
w r o n g - s o u n d i n g f e r m a t a c h o r d in Map.
Deeply i m p r e s s e d with himself, Professor S p a r k l i n g t o o k
the last p l a n e to B o s t o n , sure n o w t h a t h e h a d a m a s t e r w o r k
of twentieth-century music in his briefcase, p o l i s h e d , c l e a n e d ,
restored, a w a k e n e d from its d o d e c a p h o n i c s l u m b e r by his
p r o f o u n d scholarship a n d delicate m u s i c o l o g i c a l
instinct.
T h e n e x t day was his day of giving p i a n o lessons. R h o d y was

his very best s t u d e n t ; a n d t h a t m o r n i n g she t o r e t h r o u g h t h e
Tombeau de Couperin with s u c h verve that, o n a w h i m h e d i d n ' t
himself quite u n d e r s t a n d , h e t u r n e d toward h e r with a n ex
pression of g r e a t seriousness a n d seized h e r s h o u l d e r s a n d
told h e r t h a t she a l o n e m u s t work u p t h e n e w a u t h o r i z e d
version of Map. H e m a d e a copy of his own c o r r e c t i o n s for h e r
so t h a t she c o u l d i n c o r p o r a t e t h e m i n t o h e r score. A week
passed. Alan, g l o a t i n g over his discoveries, played bits a n d
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pieces of Map for himself, a n d listened to it skimmingly in his

h e a d , b u t h e d e v o t e d m o s t of his t i m e to finishing his article
a b o u t it for The Quarterly of New Music. Since it was a formida
bly difficult work, h e d i d n o t m a k e any a t t e m p t to play t h e
w h o l e c o m p o s i t i o n t h r o u g h , even sloppily, from b e g i n n i n g
to e n d . T h a t was w h a t gifted s t u d e n t s like R h o d y were for, h e
felt.
All t h a t week R h o d y devotedly p r a c t i c e d Map, conscious of
w h a t a n h o n o r it was to b e t h e first p e r s o n to r e a n i m a t e the
c l e a n e d - u p version. It s o o n b e c a m e clear to h e r t h a t Professor
Sparkling's e n t h u s i a s m was justified: M a s c o n A l b e d o stood
revealed as n o m e r e m i n o r - l e a g u e friend of L u c i a n o Berio,
b u t as a l e a p i n g titan of p i a n i s m . T h o u g h t h e surface of t h e
p i e c e h a d struck h e r e a r at first as knotty a n d over-intellectual,
as she p e r f e c t e d h e r p e r f o r m a n c e of it she f o u n d t h a t o n t h e
c o n t r a r y it h a d a n a l m o s t d i s t u r b i n g secondary sensual a p
p e a l : it m a d e h e r exceedingly aware of t h e physical reality of
h e r o w n playing. If t h e piece r e q u i r e d h e r to play a simple
A-flat-major triad with h e r left h a n d , she w o u l d feel in d o i n g
so as if t h e black A-flat a n d E-flat keys were soft, low, treec o v e r e d hills, s m o o t h e d by f o r g o t t e n glaciers, a n d t h e C be
tween t h e m a fog-filled valley, over which h e r poised
fingers
were p a r a c h u t i n g very early in t h e m o r n i n g ; a n o r d i n a r y pile

of perfect f o u r t h s a n d fifths w o u l d slice t h r o u g h h e r like the
stave of a h a r d - b o i l e d - e g g slicer; she c o u l d sense t h e feltcovered h a m m e r s t h u m p i n g gently against t h e p i a n o wires as
gently as t h e n o s e s of s h e e p in p e n s o r fish against glass; she
felt with e x t r a o r d i n a r y vividness h e r right foot m a k i n g its little
j u m p s o n t h e sustain p e d a l , h o s i n g off any r e c e n t b l e n d i n g s
a n d allowing a n e w c o n c o r d to rise u p clean from its m u d wrestling past. T h e p i e c e s e e m e d to rediscover t h e a m a z e m e n t
every p i a n i s t s h o u l d p r o p e r l y feel at t h e invention of the
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p i a n o . Moreover, playing it d i d very o d d t h i n g s to h e r p e r c e p

tion of time, t h o u g h it d i d so only w h e n she b e g a n right at t h e
b e g i n n i n g a n d went straight t h r o u g h .
A n o t h e r p i a n o s t u d e n t , P a u l Mackey, k n o c k e d o n h e r p r a c
tice-room d o o r o n t h e eve of h e r lesson with Professor Spar
kling. H e asked h e r w h a t she was u p to. S h e was evasive, saying
only t h a t she was d o i n g a n A l b e d o p i e c e for Sparkling. P a u l
s e e m e d i m p r e s s e d a n d asked if h e c o u l d h e a r s o m e of it.
Reluctantly at first, R h o d y b e g a n playing it. P a u l p a c e d in t h e
tiny r o o m as h e listened; h e h a d t h e d i s t r a c t i n g h a b i t of d o i n g
laps a r o u n d t h e p i a n o while h e listened to his friends play.
But the music was so powerful t h a t R h o d y f o u n d t h a t she
could successfully i g n o r e h i m , at least u n t i l s o m e t h i n g u n e x
p e c t e d h a p p e n e d . S h e c a m e to t h e e m e n d e d c h o r d , t h e soft
o n e d a n g l i n g like a t r u m p e t vine u n d e r t h e f e r m a t a , a n d
played it, h o l d i n g t h e sustain p e d a l down, a n d g l a n c e d u p at
h i m to get his r e a c t i o n , a n d saw t h a t P a u l was c o m p l e t e l y
motionless, h a l t e d in m i d - s t e p in s o m e sort of t r a n c e . T h e
c h o r d slowly faded; w h e n it was i n a u d i b l e , P a u l a b r u p t l y
looked at h e r a n d said, "Why did you s t o p ? "
"Why did you s t o p ? " said Rhody.
" W h a t d o you m e a n ? " said P a u l . " Y o u j u s t hit t h a t weird
staccato c h o r d a n d t h e n s t o p p e d p l a y i n g . "
"It was hardly a staccato c h o r d , " said Rhody. " I t h a d a
fermata over it, in fact. L o o k . "
Paul e x a m i n e d t h e music a n d raised his eyebrows. "Well,
you certainly played it like a staccato c h o r d . "
Rhody p o n d e r e d Paul's r e a c t i o n for a s e c o n d a n d t h e n
b e g a n a few bars back a n d finished t h e piece. T h i s t i m e t h e r e
was n o u n u s u a l b e h a v i o r from P a u l .
T h a t n i g h t she h a d a d r e a m in w h i c h she d i d Kegel exer
cises with a vaginal barbell u n t i l h e r P C m u s c l e s were so
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s t r o n g t h a t w h e n she w e n t o n s t a g e u n d e r black-light a n d
i n s e r t e d a r e d Swingline 99 h a n d - h e l d stapler in h e r vagina,
she c o u l d staple a glowing a i r p l a n e ticket with it. Professor
S p a r k l i n g was in t h e a u d i e n c e , w a t c h i n g h e r staple t h e air
p l a n e tickets t h a t t h e o t h e r m e n shyly b r o u g h t u p a n d h e l d
b e t w e e n h e r legs. H e h a d a t u b e of p h o s p h o r e s c e n t m o t i o n l o t i o n t h a t h e s q u e e z e d o n t h e shaft of his p e n i s so that, as h e
b e g a n to stroke it, it glowed with a p a l e b l u e light. H e walked
u p t h e side stairs o n t o t h e stage a n d knelt before w h e r e she sat
o n a black T h o n e t chair. H e h e l d in o n e h a n d t h e m a n u s c r i p t
of his p a p e r o n t h e history of M a s c o n A l b e d o ' s deliberate
d i s i m p r o v e m e n t of Map. H e was a l m o s t invisible e x c e p t for
his semi-soft glowing p e n i s , a l t h o u g h t h e EXIT sign cast a faint
r e d d i s h tint o n his wild Dershowitz-for-the-Defense h a i r a n d
hairy s h o u l d e r s ; h e p l a c e d a c o r n e r of t h e m a n u s c r i p t be
tween h e r t h i g h s a n d she lifted herself off t h e seat of t h e chair
a n d p o s i t i o n e d t h e jaws of t h e Swingline a r o u n d t h e p a p e r
a n d g r o a n e d like a weight-lifter a n d t i g h t e n e d h e r vaginal
m u s c l e s as h a r d as she possibly c o u l d a n d successfully got t h e
stapler to force a staple t h r o u g h all n i n e p a g e s . T h e r e was
a p p l a u s e . Professor S p a r k l i n g b o w e d a n d walked away, strok
i n g his p e n i s in a scholarly way. I n t h e b a c k g r o u n d , t h e whole
t i m e , t h e f e r m a t a c h o r d from Map c h i m e d a n d faded, c h i m e d
a n d faded.
Still u n d e r t h e influence of h e r d r e a m , she w e n t to h e r
n i n e o'clock lesson in a state of d i s o r i e n t e d , s t u m b l i n g horniness. " T h i s is a m o m e n t o u s o c c a s i o n , " Professor S p a r k l i n g
said archly. H e sat as h e usually did o n a low c o u c h with o n e
a n k l e o n t h e o p p o s i t e k n e e , a copy of t h e piece o p e n beside
h i m . "All r i g h t , " h e said a n d g e s t u r e d to h e r to b e g i n . She
played. W h e n she c a m e to t h e f e r m a t a c h o r d , she splayed
h e r fingers to play it a n d b r o u g h t h e r h a n d s gently down
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a n d felt b o t h m i d d l e fingers d e s c e n d i n t o t h e low white keyvales, curved as ballet d a n c e r s curve t h e i r m i d d l e
fingers
w h e n they s t a n d in s e c o n d position. Relying o n t h e sustain

p e d a l , she looked over at Sparkling: like P a u l t h e day before,
Sparkling was frozen, staring, s t o p p e d d e a d in t h e act of
scratching his u p p e r t h i g h . S h e c o u l d m a k e o u t t h e p r o f a n e ,
b r o c c o l i - s h a p e d o u t l i n e of his cock a n d balls u n d e r his loose
cuffed p a n t s . H u r r i e d l y , before t h e c h o r d w o r e o u t , she
lifted h e r skirt a n d slid first h e r left a n d t h e n h e r r i g h t m i d
dle finger h i g h u p i n t o h e r slot a n d tickled h e r cervix. T h e n
she r e s u m e d playing t h e piece. W h e n she finished, S p a r k l i n g
a p p l a u d e d , as m u c h for himself as for h e r .
"Wonderful,
wonderful," h e said, s t a n d i n g . " I t ' s a s t r a n g e a n d m o v i n g

piece, d o n ' t you t h i n k ? "
" I d o , " said Rhody, l o o k i n g d o w n at h e r two m i d d l e
fingers,
which were still slick from h e r j u i c y insertions.

"My only q u e s t i o n is a b o u t t h e f e r m a t a , " said Sparkling. " I
d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d why you c u t it so short. It's t h e h i g h l i g h t of
t h e whole work. Let's try it like t h i s . " H e p u t his fingers over
h e r fingers a n d played t h e c h o r d with h e r . H e t o o k n o t e of
s o m e t h i n g . "Why, m a y I ask, are y o u r two m i d d l e
fingers
p e r s p i r i n g so?" h e asked.
" T h e y d o t h a t , " she said.
"Ah."
H e r e q u e s t e d t h a t she play t h e work t h r o u g h from t h e
b e g i n n i n g , a n d this time h e s t o o d b e h i n d h e r , his a r m s
crossed. W h e n she r e a c h e d t h e f e r m a t a c h o r d , she c a m e d o w n
o n it a little h a r d e r t h a n she h a d t h e first t i m e , to give herself
a l o n g e r fade interval. S h e twisted a r o u n d to face A l a n b e h i n d
her, taking care to k e e p h e r foot firmly d o w n o n t h e sustain
p e d a l . H e was as still as a statue. S h e u n z i p p e d his fly a n d
deftly h a u l e d o u t his t a c i t u r n musky h a n d f u l . S h e gave his
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NICHOLSON
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cock t h r e e l o n g s t r e t c h i n g sucks. It was b i g a n d l u n c h e o n m e a t y in h e r m o u t h ; s u c k i n g o n it was like sucking o n a

c a r n a l i z e d version of his voice o r m i n d . S h e fully i n t e n d e d to
p u t his dick away b e f o r e t h e Map c h o r d r a n o u t o n her, b u t
h e r s u c k i n g t o o k a little l o n g e r t h a n she p l a n n e d a n d she
barely h a d t i m e to t u r n b a c k to t h e k e y b o a r d a n d c o n t i n u e
p l a y i n g to t h e e n d . S h e h e a r d a little cry of surprise b e h i n d
h e r a n d s o m e hasty z i p p e r i n g .
W h e n she was d o n e she t u r n e d a g a i n toward S p a r k l i n g a n d
waited silently for his r e a c t i o n . H e l o o k e d greatly discon
certed; h e was trying to figure s o m e t h i n g o u t t h a t c o u l d n ' t b e
figured
o u t ; his obvious mystification a n d
flusterment,
so
u n u s u a l for h i m , was e n d e a r i n g .
" W a s t h e f e r m a t a a little b e t t e r this t i m e ? " said Rhody.
"Yes, I t h i n k it w a s . "
" I t ' s a very powerful work," said Rhody, relishing Professor
S p a r k l i n g ' s speechlessness. "It's q u i t e different in effect from
the published version."
"Yes, it is," S p a r k l i n g said.
A n d let's say t h a t t h a t was t h e e n d of t h e lesson (I told
R h o d y ) . A n d say t h a t she m a d e a t a p e of herself playing t h e
f e r m a t a c h o r d , s h a k i n g t h e t a p e r e c o r d e r to get it to work, a n d
say t h a t she w e n t to t h e s o u n d lab a n d s a m p l e d this s o u n d
(which d i d i n d e e d a p p e a r to b e a staccato c h o r d to t h e lis
t e n e r ) a n d r e g e n e r a t e d it, so t h a t simply by h i t t i n g t h e PLAY
b u t t o n o n a W a l k m a n she c o u l d s t o p t i m e for u p to thirty
" m i n u t e s . " W o u l d n ' t she, I asked her, take a d v a n t a g e of h e r
f r e e d o m by h i t t i n g PLAY w h e n e v e r she h a d t h e slightest incli
n a t i o n to c h e c k o u t t h e i n d o l e n t dick-specifics of any m a n
w h o c a u g h t h e r eye?
At first I t h o u g h t she really liked t h e idea, b e c a u s e she
said " H m m ! " to this with a certain a m o u n t of e n t h u s i a s m .
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At o n e o r two places d u r i n g my h y p o t h e t i c a l story (which I

have j a z z e d u p h e r e a little for posterity, a l t h o u g h it is in its
m a i n o u t l i n e s as I p r e s e n t e d it to h e r ) , she h a d g o t t e n a n
interested glint in h e r eye. B u t to m y dismay, t h e m o r e s h e
c o n s i d e r e d t h e whole c o n c e p t of time-perversion, t h e m o r e
she s e e m e d to t u r n against it. I tried to win h e r over to it
with m o r e e x a m p l e s : w o u l d n ' t it b e even slightly i n t e r e s t i n g
to h e r to b e in s o m e p u b l i c p l a c e like P a r k Street Station,
waiting for t h e train, a n d to b e able to h i t PLAY a n d g o
right
t h r o u g h t h e crowd of m e n in t h e i r ties a n d j a c k e t s
a n d briskly pull t h e i r p a n t s d o w n , so t h a t t h e i r idiosyncratic

idols p e e p e d shyly o u t from b e h i n d t h e i r shirttails, available
for all sorts of casual assessments a n d c o m p a r i s o n s a n d cur
sory fondlings? Surely she w o u l d d o t h a t if she h a d t h e ferm a t i o n a l power, w o u l d n ' t she? If she were in a c e r t a i n
mood?
A n intensity in my gaze m a y have u n s e t t l e d h e r slightly. T h e
m o r e h e r e n t h u s i a s m for t h e w h o l e i d e a a p p e a r e d to d i m i n
ish, t h e e a g e r e r I was to convince h e r t h a t it h a d to b e attrac
tive to her. Any tiny L a t i n o swimsuit was fair g a m e , I said. Any
penis-bulge in the world t h a t she w a n t e d to i n q u i r e i n t o a n d
even heft was hers to i n q u i r e i n t o a n d heft. Right? B u t d e s p i t e
h e r h a v i n g clearly said at t h e b e g i n n i n g of t h e p l a n e ride t h a t
t h e idea of seeing n a k e d beautiful m e n h e l d m o r e a n d m o r e
a p p e a l , she n o w b e g a n to c o n t e n d t h a t really t h e sight of a
penis p e r se d i d n ' t d o all t h a t m u c h for her. Yes, possibly, she
would investigate a c r o t c h o r two h a n d s - o n , if t h e c r o t c h c o n t e x t was truly e x t r a o r d i n a r y , b u t w h a t she really n e e d e d
was t h e possibility t h a t a given p e n i s c o u l d b e c o m e aware of
h e r a n d c o u l d grow a n d d e v e l o p with t h e h e l p of this knowl
e d g e . She n e e d e d to b e in s o m e sort of u n f o l d i n g d r a m a t i c
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NICHOLSON
BAKER
r e l a t i o n s h i p with a specific p e n i s for it to b e c o m e a full-blown

sex-object.
" B u t y o u ' r e s u c h a voyeur," I c o u n t e r e d . " W h e n we go for
walks, y o u ' r e always trying to get a look in t h e windows."
"It's foyerism, n o t v o y e u r i s m , " she replied. " I want to look
in windows b e c a u s e I like to see h o w p e o p l e a r r a n g e their
r o o m s , h o w they have d e c i d e d to live. If I h a d a magical
T r i s t a n c h o r d o n t a p e t h a t s t o p p e d t i m e , I p r o b a b l y would
w a n d e r t h r o u g h p e o p l e ' s h o u s e s , if they were u n l o c k e d . "
"Ah! Okay!" I said wildly. " N o w we're g e t t i n g s o m e w h e r e .
A n d if in y o u r w a n d e r i n g you c a m e across a p a u s e d c o u p l e
h a v i n g S u n d a y - a f t e r n o o n sex, w o u l d n ' t you at least walk u p
a n d t o u c h t h e m a n ' s flexed b u t t - m u s c l e b e t w e e n h e r p a r t e d
legs as h e drives t h a t dick h o m e ? O r if you h a p p e n e d u p o n a
guy d o i n g himself u p right, p u m p i n g his fluke with two fists,
his eyes closed, his face all slack from t h e p l e a s u r e , w o u l d n ' t
you p u l l his h a n d s away a n d give t h a t fucking g i r d e r of a dick
a suck o r two, if it l o o k e d e x t r a g o o d a n d suckable? You
would!"
R h o d y t h o u g h t . " I ' m n o t r u l i n g it o u t . B u t I n e e d move
m e n t . W h a t y o u ' r e talking a b o u t is so static. I n e e d to b e
s e d u c e d . T h a t ' s w h a t I really want. / want to be seduced." She
said this with s u c h conviction t h a t I d r o p p e d t h e whole sub
j e c t . It was obvious to h e r t h a t if t h e universe were s t o p p e d ,
any f o r m of s e d u c t i o n w o u l d b e impossible. I resisted t h e
t e m p t a t i o n to itemize t h e m a n i f o l d ways in which a Foldeffect c o u l d m a k e c e r t a i n kinds of s e d u c t i o n possible, be
c a u s e I d i d n ' t w a n t to s e e m to have given it a lifetime's
t h o u g h t . I j u s t d r o p p e d it. I t h a n k e d h e r a g a i n for
finding
my glasses.
A week after t h a t I h a d a revelation while browsing in
K i b b e s o n ' s D i s c o u n t H o u s e of Electricity o n Mass Ave. after
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THE
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work. I realized t h a t all I h a d to d o was buy a h a n d f u l of r e

ally c h e a p r e m a i n d e r e d s w i t c h e s p e r h a p s t h e o n e - h u n d r e d milliamp p u s h - b u t t o n switches with t h e
twelve-millimeter
b u s h i n g s , which l o o k e d especially p r o m i s i n g a n d
carry
t h e m a r o u n d in my p a n t s pocket. I h a d a h u n c h t h a t if I h e l d
o n e tightly a n d pressed it with my t h u m b while t h i n k i n g as
h a r d as I c o u l d of a n h o u r g l a s s b e i n g s p u n in a centrifuge, I
could easily force a m i n o r concession from t h e e l e m e n t a l
forces a n d d e s c e n d i n t o t h e t e m p o r a l Cleft t h a t way. Even if
the switches b u r n e d o u t after only o n e D r o p , as t h e race-tracktransformer toggle h a d , they were c h e a p e n o u g h t h a t I c o u l d
afford it. I b o u g h t a b u n c h of different microswitches a n d
tested t h e m o u t o n t h e street, f u m b l i n g with t h e m in my
pocket as I frowned o u t at t h e traffic. N o n e of t h e m o m e n t a r y c o n n e c t i o n p u s h - b u t t o n s worked, to m y surprise, b u t a n
u n d i s t i n g u i s h e d - l o o k i n g plastic s i x t e e n - a m p s p a d e - t e r m i n a l
rocker-switch did beautifully. I b o u g h t a d o z e n for five dol
lars.
Rhody a n d I h a d sex t h a t e v e n i n g n o t o u t r t o o t h b r u s h driven avocado sex, b u t n o t all t h a t b a d sex either. W h i l e I was
fucking i n t o h e r slowly from b e h i n d , she b e g a n t o c o m e ,
muff-finger flying. I still h a d a ways to go. I n e v e r liked c o m i n g
after she did, b e c a u s e I c o u l d n o t convince myself t h a t she was
still interested. Hastily I fished o n e of t h e rocker-switches o u t
of my p a n t s p o c k e t (fortunately my p a n t s were right t h e r e o n
the b e d ) a n d envisioned a s p i n n i n g h o u r g l a s s while I t r i p p e d
it. T h e r e was a s m a r t i n g spark against m y p a l m as t i m e ' s fuse
blew. I p u l l e d o u t a n d l o o k e d at t h e alluringly o p e n negative
s h a p e in Rhody's vadge w h e r e my cock h a d j u s t h a p p i l y
b e e n i t d i d n ' t close o n itself as it w o u l d have o u t of t h e Fold.
I went a n d s t o o d in t h e o t h e r r o o m , l o o k i n g t h r o u g h t h e
frame of t h e o p e n d o o r at w h a t she l o o k e d like as she was
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NICHOLSON
BAKER
fucking m e . H e r glasses were o n . Folds of t h e sheet were

c l u t c h e d in h e r h a n d s . T h o u g h she was s u p p o r t i n g h e r weight
o n h e r elbows a n d knees, h e r breasts w e r e n ' t h a n g i n g straight
d o w n , as they w o u l d have b e e n if she h a d p o s e d herself in this
position, b u t were s h a p e d o n t h e fly, t h e centers of gravity
l o o m i n g forward, b e c a u s e we h a d b e e n s l a p p i n g against e a c h
o t h e r q u i t e h a r d a n d she h a d j u s t b e g u n a drive back o n t o my
richard.
S h e was l o o k i n g d o w n p a s t h e r breasts at h e r own
t h i g h s o r p e r h a p s at my ballions swinging j u s t below h e r tuft.

H e r face was very flushed, in p a r t b e c a u s e h e r h e a d was h e l d
d o w n t h e way it w a s t h e r e was a vein in h e r f o r e h e a d t h a t I
c o u l d clearly see. My girlfriend! I p u l l e d off my c o n d o m ,
disliking t h e wrinkly s o u n d s it m a d e as I m a s t u r - w o r k e d my
self. T h e coolness of t h e o p e n air o n my
richard
m a d e it
r e m e m b e r h o w g o o d it was to b e h a r d . I lay n e x t to h e r o n t h e
b e d , l o o k i n g at h e r slung-forward d r o n e s a n d flushed face,
a n d I i m a g i n e d h e r i m a g i n i n g s u c k i n g h e r p i a n o teacher's
l a n g u i d e l u t r i a t o r , o r t h i n k i n g a b o u t s o m e b o d y o r -bodies a
g r e a t d e a l sexier to h e r t h a n I was d o i n g s o m e t h i n g nice a n d
kinky, a n d in my a n x i o u s n e s s to c a t c h u p with h e r I almost
w e n t t o o far a n d c a m e all a l o n e I c l e n c h e d o n c e in a falsed a w n sort of p r e - o r g a s m , w h i c h is a s p a s m (if I may b e par
d o n e d for a n i n e l e g a n t simile) very similar to t h e false
flush-moment
t h a t c a n o c c u r in a toilet t a n k if you d o n ' t h o l d
t h e h a n d l e d o w n q u i t e l o n g e n o u g h for t h e m e c h a n i s m to
confirm y o u r u n a m b i v a l e n t wish for it to g o t h r o u g h a full
flush cycle. I let m y cock settle d o w n for a m i n u t e , a n d t h e n
b e g a n driving u p t h e g r a d e again. It was n o w so mindlessly
h a r d t h a t t h e s e n s a t i o n of a p i n c h i n g l y new c o n d o m b e i n g
u n r o l l e d d o w n its l e n g t h was a m a t t e r of c o m p l e t e indiffer
e n c e to it. I p o i n t e d myself b a c k inside R h o d y a n d pressed the
rocker-switch a n d , s l a p p i n g against h e r as if t h e r e h a d b e e n
n o b r e a k in t h e action, c a m e j u s t w h e n she did.
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I felt a little guilty a b o u t h a v i n g t h u s e n g i n e e r e d a simulta

n e o u s o r g a s m ( a n d w h a t if by s o m e m i s c h a n c e she f o u n d t h e
second c o n d o m later?) a n d I lay t h e r e in t h e otherwise h a p p y
post-coital calm, seriously w e i g h i n g w h e t h e r I s h o u l d j u s t g o
a h e a d a n d tell h e r my e n t i r e history of time-perversion.
" W h a t d o you have in y o u r h a n d ? " she asked, u n d o i n g my
fingers.
"This thing? It's j u s t a sort of c h a r m . "
She looked at t h e b u r n e d - o u t rocker-switch, w h i c h I stu
pidly h a d n ' t g o t t e n rid of d u r i n g o u r o r g a s m . " Y o u were
h o l d i n g o n to this t h e w h o l e t i m e ? " she said, l o o k i n g at m e
uncomprehendingly.
"I d o n ' t t h i n k t h e whole t i m e , " I said.
" W h e r e did it c o m e from? I d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d . "
"Well," I said, playing for time, "it's j u s t t h a t I r e m e m
b e r e d I h a d a b u n c h of rocker-switches in my p a n t s p o c k e t
a n d g r a b b e d o n e w h e n I was g o i n g at you from b e h i n d . T h a t
was great, by t h e way." I n e e d e d twenty m i n u t e s o r so to t h i n k
a b o u t how I s h o u l d answer her, a n d w h e t h e r I s h o u l d tell h e r
a b o u t t h e Fold, b u t I c o u l d n ' t very well r e a c h for a n o t h e r
rocker-switch while she lay o n h e r side, p r o p p e d o n o n e
elbow, l o o k i n g at m e with s u c h a t r o u b l e d e x p r e s s i o n . I h a d
to go with my flash assessment, w h i c h was t h a t this was n o t in
fact the t i m e to tell h e r a b o u t my Fold-life after all. I disliked
how s t r a n g e I m u s t b e a p p e a r i n g to her.
She said, "While we were m a k i n g love, y o u r e a c h e d in these
p a n t s a n d p u l l e d o u t a piece of electrical e q u i p m e n t a n d h e l d
o n to it? Why?" N o w she was sitting u p , w a n t i n g very m u c h to
get an e x p l a n a t i o n from m e t h a t w o u l d clear everything u p .
H e r breasts looked aggrieved.
"It's h a r d to e x p l a i n , " I said. " I guess I w a n t e d to i m a g i n e
that I was a n a n d r o i d . " I l a u g h e d sheepishly to c o n f i r m my
fabrication. " A n invincible h a r d - b o d y a n d r o i d . It's stupid, I
171
NICHOLSON
k n o w . " I felt d e s p a i r at h o w
BAKER
ridiculous
this e x p l a n a t i o n
s o u n d e d , b u t I c o u l d n ' t b r i n g myself to l a u n c h into t h e t r u t h ,

f e a r i n g t h a t she w o u l d take it poorly. " I h a t e these stupid
c o n d o m s , " I said fussily, tying a k n o t in t h e o n e we h a d j u s t
used.
R h o d y s h o o k h e r h e a d . " I ' m n o t very c o m f o r t a b l e with this,
A r n o . I really d i d n ' t p l a n to b e fucked by a n electric m o t o r this
afternoon."
" I know. I ' m sorry."
I h u g g e d h e r guiltily. S h e lay o n h e r back, t h i n k i n g . " L e t
m e ask y o u t h i s , " she t h e n said. "Is y o u r i d e a of t h e perfect life
to b e a b l e t o s t o p t i m e a n y t i m e you w a n t a n d take off w o m e n ' s
clothes o n t h e subway a n d feel t h e i r breasts?"
" I k n o w w h a t y o u ' r e t h i n k i n g , " I said. "You t h i n k t h a t I ' m
t u r n i n g o u t to b e s o m e k i n d of t e c h n o - s e x n u t c a s e . "
"Well? N o , I ' m j u s t a little surprised at all this. First you tell
m e this l o n g story a b o u t a p i a n o c h o r d , insisting t h a t I m u s t
find aspects of t h e idea sexually exciting, a n d now you h o l d
this t h i n g in y o u r h a n d w h a t is it?"
" I t ' s j u s t a plain-vanilla on-off switch, a rocker-switch," I
said. I tried m i l d i n d i g n a t i o n . " I t ' s n o t h i n g ! F o r g e t it. It's j u s t
a little s i x t e e n - a m p rocker-switch."
"Well, it s e e m s a very s t r a n g e t h i n g to b r i n g i n t o t h e bed
r o o m . Y o u s h o u l d have told m e b e f o r e h a n d . If it excites you
to m a k e love to m e p r e t e n d i n g y o u ' r e a m a c h i n e , fine. B u t you
have to i n c l u d e m e in it. W h a t I d o n ' t like is discovering t h a t
y o u ' r e d o i n g this s o m e w h a t o d d t h i n g literally b e h i n d my
back."
" Y o u ' r e right, I s h o u l d have i n c l u d e d y o u , " I said. " B u t you
k n o w I tried to i n c l u d e y o u in s o m e t h i n g fairly i m p o r t a n t to
m e w h e n I told y o u a b o u t t h e f e r m a t a c h o r d , a n d I m u s t say
I got a pretty lukewarm reception."
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THE
FERMATA
"Well, right, it was a loveless fantasy. It h a d n o love in it."

" B u t I m e a n t it as a n act of love to tell it to you!"
" N o , " said Rhody. " W h a t t h a t fantasy says is t h a t y o u r i d e a
of heaven is b e i n g able to h i t t h e PLAY b u t t o n o n a W a l k m a n
a n d take off w o m e n ' s clothes a n d feel t h e i r breasts. R i g h t ? "
"I d o n ' t t h i n k it's my idea of h e a v e n , exactly," I said, with
s o m e awkwardness. I h a d in fact briefly u n d r e s s e d a b e a u t i
fully b l o u s e d w o m a n w e a r i n g a yellow 32-B Lily of F r a n c e b r a
o n t h e Red L i n e j u s t t h e previous day, so it was difficult for m e
to react with t h e right level of b l a n k e t d i s a p p r o v a l . "As you
yourself said, it's h a r d to r u l e o u t c o m p l e t e l y t h e possibility of
an occasional c a p i t u l a t i o n to curiosity."
Rhody d i d n ' t like b e i n g p a r a p h r a s e d . S h e got angry. S h e
said she h a d b e e n t h i n k i n g over my story, a b o u t t h e f e r m a t a
c h o r d , a n d she h a d b e g u n to feel t h a t it w a s n ' t a fantasy t h a t
a p p e a l e d to h e r at all. H e r e is w h e n she d u g u p w o r d s like
" n e c r o p h i l i a " o r p e r h a p s , to b e fair, she only said " i m p l i e d
n e c r o p h i l i a . " I felt as if my w h o l e life were b e i n g called i n t o
q u e s t i o n a n d I tried to d e f e n d myself: it's just a n idea, just a
fantasy, etc.
" H o w would you feel," R h o d y asked, "if I s t o p p e d t i m e o n e
day, while we were waiting in line for a movie, p u l l e d y o u r
p a n t s down, a n d i n s e r t e d a b l u e e r a s e r in y o u r anus? T h i n k
a b o u t it."
" I t would d e p e n d totally, totally o n y o u r i n t e n t , " I said. "If
you p u t a b l u e eraser in my a n u s o u t of s o m e c o m b i n a t i o n of
desire a n d curiosity, a n d you simply w a n t e d to k n o w w h a t it
would b e like to d o that, t h e n I w o u l d n ' t object. G o
right
a h e a d . B u t if you did it o u t of a desire to h u r t m e a n d r o b m e

of dignity in y o u r m i n d , t h e n of c o u r s e I w o u l d o b j e c t . "
" T h a t was a b a d e x a m p l e , " R h o d y said, waving it away.
" H o w would you feel if a c o m p l e t e s t r a n g e r s t o p p e d t i m e o n
173
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h e street a n d p u l l e d y o u r p a n t s d o w n a n d t o o k y o u r shirt off

a n d m a d e a m i n u t e i n s p e c t i o n of every i n c h of y o u r body?"
" W e l l , " I said piously, "if all they were interested in was
s e e i n g w h a t I l o o k e d like in g r e a t e r detail, a n d t h e motive was
a t t r a c t i o n r a t h e r t h a n hostility, I w o u l d b e
flattered
and
w o u l d n ' t m i n d in t h e least. Maybe t h e r e are t h i n g s a b o u t m e

t h a t I d o n ' t w a n t c o m p l e t e strangers k n o w i n g at such close
r a n g e , b u t as l o n g as I knew t h a t t h e p e r s o n was d o i n g it o u t
of s o m e k i n d of positive feeling towards m e , so t h a t whatever
they saw w o u l d b e i n t e r e s t i n g to t h e m , r a t h e r t h a n repellent,
I w o u l d say fine, p u l l m y p a n t s down. J u s t so l o n g as I d o n ' t
have to k n o w a b o u t it."
" A h , b u t w h a t if it was a m a n ? " said Rhody. " W h a t if a gay
m a n s t o p p e d t i m e , p u l l e d y o u r p a n t s down, a n d gave you a
l o n g slow blowjob? What if he had a mustache?"
T h i s i d e a t o o k m e by surprise, b u t I p r e t e n d e d it d i d n ' t . "I
a d m i t t h a t ' s n o t s o m e t h i n g t h a t a p p e a l s to m e . I was t h i n k i n g
of a w o m a n d o i n g t h e inspection. B u t to b e consistent, I
s u p p o s e I w o u l d have to say, fine, if t h e gay m a n m e a n s well,
a n d h e wants to give m e a blowjob w i t h o u t my knowledge, it
w o u l d n ' t b e t h e e n d of civilization. Let h i m . W h a t you d o n ' t
know can't h u r t you."
" T h a t ' s a ridiculously glib t h i n g to say," she said, p u l l i n g o n
h e r socks. S h e was a n g r y again.
" W h y is it glib?" I said hotly. " T h e p o i n t is, t h e real p o i n t
is, forget s t r a n g e r s . W h e n I told you t h a t story a b o u t y o u r
p i a n o t e a c h e r , I was t a l k i n g n o t a b o u t s o m e total s t r a n g e r
d e v e l o p i n g t h a t ability to s t o p t i m e by playing a certain c h o r d ,
I was t a l k i n g a b o u t you a n d y o u a l o n e d e v e l o p i n g it."
R h o d y h a d finished g e t t i n g dressed by now. " I t h i n k what
y o u were really trying to d o was to get m e interested in your
little d r e a m of t a k i n g off w o m e n ' s clothes in p u b l i c places a n d
174
THE
FERMATA
d o i n g various t h i n g s to t h e m a n d n o t g e t t i n g criminally
p r o s e c u t e d for it. A n d I ' m sorryI d o n ' t t h i n k it's a g o o d
d r e a m . " Saying this s e e m e d to force h e r to s o m e sort of deci
sion. A week o r two later we h a d a n o t h e r a r g u m e n t a n d she
issued a fiat; s o o n we were n o l o n g e r a n item, w h i c h was t o o
bad, since I did love h e r a n d really still d o miss her, even n o w
t h a t (as I will go o n to tell) I have g o n e o u t o n a d a t e with
Joyce.
175
12
I
.JL.
NEED
TO
BE
SEDUCED.
THE
IRONY
IN
RHODY S
SAYING
that, as a n a r g u m e n t against f e r m a t i o n used for sexual kicks,

is t h a t I n e v e r w o u l d have g o n e o u t with h e r if I h a d n ' t b e e n
a b l e to rely heavily o n t h e Fold for h e l p . Before I spoke o n e
w o r d to h e r I h a d already t a k e n off h e r shirt a n d looked over
h e r small d e a r breasts, which h a d faint triangles a r o u n d t h e m
from t h e e d g e s of t h e b r a . H e r skin was very p a l e . This h a p
p e n e d in a T h a i r e s t a u r a n t off Boylston. I sat d o w n a n d looked
a r o u n d a n d n o t i c e d a w o m a n with very s h o r t black h a i r a n d
glasses with r o u n d black rims, studying t h e m e n u . H e r lower
lip was s o m e w h a t fuller t h a n h e r u p p e r lip, like a H a p s b u r g ,
w h i c h is a feature t h a t attracts m e t h o u g h I also like w h e n
176
THE
FERMATA
the u p p e r lip is fuller t h a n t h e lower, t o o , c o m e to t h i n k of it.

She o r d e r e d d i n n e r a n d asked t h e waiter to b r i n g h e r a c u p
of h o t water a n d u n w r a p p e d a yellow t e a b a g .
While h e r tea was s t e e p i n g , she p u l l e d o u t a b o o k . S h e
s e e m e d n o t to have a b o o k m a r k , a n d yet I n o t i c e d t h a t she
d i d n ' t have to flip a r o u n d to find h e r place. (I l e a r n e d later
that R h o d y always a u t o m a t i c a l l y r e m e m b e r e d h e r p l a c e in a
book. She was n o t g o o d with p h o n e n u m b e r s , a n d even h e r
Social Security n u m b e r gave h e r t r o u b l e occasionally, b u t t h e
p a g e n u m b e r of h e r c u r r e n t b o o k w o u l d j u s t c o m e to h e r
w i t h o u t effort as s o o n as she h e l d it a n d saw t h e cover. S o m e
times, she told m e , t h e n u m b e r w o u l d even o c c u r to h e r at
o d d times d u r i n g t h e day, a n d she w o u l d think, Two h u n d r e d
fifty-four,
w h a t a mysterious a n d suggestive n u m b e r ! It w o u l d
take h e r a s e c o n d to realize t h a t t h e n u m b e r s e e m e d u n u s u
ally fine simply b e c a u s e it was w h e r e she was g o i n g to r e s u m e
h e r r e a d i n g . N i n e t e e n t h - c e n t u r y novels were a l l - i m p o r t a n t to
her. It wasn't a q u e s t i o n of h e r liking t h e m ; they were a n e u r o
logical necessity, like sleep. O n e Mrs. H u m p h r y W a r d , o r a
Reade, o r a T r o l l o p e p e r week s u p p l i e d h e r with s o m e k i n d of
critical co-enzyme, she said, t h a t allowed h e r to o r g a n i z e so
cial sense e x p e r i e n c e . It was n i c e if t h e novel was g o o d , b u t
even a very m e d i o c r e o n e w o u l d d o ; w i t h o u t a daily s h o t of
Victorian fiction she c o u l d n ' t q u i t e r e m e m b e r h o w to talk to
p e o p l e a n d to u n d e r s t a n d w h a t they said. I miss her.)
She lifted t h e t e a b a g o u t of h e r c u p with a s p o o n a n d
b o u n d its string tightly a r o u n d t h e b a g - a n d - s p o o n
duo,
squeezing m o s t of t h e water t h a t was left in t h e leaves o u t i n t o

the c u p . I h a d never b e e n e x p o s e d to this m e t h o d of m a n a g
i n g a u s e d t e a b a g before, a n d I was thrilled by it; a n d I d o n ' t
n e e d m u c h m o r e t h a n this to fall in love, after my fashion. I
w a n t e d very m u c h to know w h a t b o o k she was r e a d i n g . I
177
NICHOLSON
BAKER
p u l l e d o u t m y m e c h a n i c a l pencil, which, t h o u g h it h a d lost its

efficacy as a s t a n d - a l o n e F o l d - p r o b e s o m e m o n t h s earlier, still
w o r k e d in c o n c e r t with t h e special e q u a t i o n t h a t I h a d
a d a p t e d from a j o u r n a l of m a t h e m a t i c s . I wrote it o n the
p l a c e m a t : t h e Strine Inequality. I h a d c o m e across t h e g e r m
of it in t h e Birkhoff Library at H a r v a r d o n a S u n d a y a f t e r n o o n
in a state of T o u r e t t e ' s s y n d r o m i s h meditativeness t h a t I knew
by n o w often p r e s a g e d a F e r m a t a discovery. I o p e n e d a n issue
of The Canadian Journal of Geometry at r a n d o m a n d was sur
p r i s e d by h o w m a n y symbolic systems m a t h e m a t i c i a n s h a d
p r e s s e d i n t o service: G r e e k a n d Russian letters, of course, b u t
t h e British p o u n d sterling sign? C a p i t a l letters in a florid
script t h a t l o o k e d as if it c a m e from a w e d d i n g invitation?
F r o m a s h o r t p a p e r e n t i t l e d "Minimally Gilded H o d g e Star
O p e r a t o r s a n d Q u a s i - O r d i n a r y H a n d l e b o d i e s W i t h i n a Localizable 4-Manifold W h i t n e y I n v a r i a n c e , " I c o p i e d o u t a n e q u a
tion, as follows
Several h o u r s later, at t h e Ritz C a r l t o n bar, g u i d e d by a will

g r e a t e r t h a n my own, I s u b s t i t u t e d several of t h e i n t e r n a t i o n a l
textile c a r e - l a b e l i n g symbols for key variables in t h e original,
a n d c h a n g e d t h e e q u a l sign to a less-than-or-equal-to sign. I
felt as if I were s p e a k i n g in t o n g u e s as I w a t c h e d my possessed
h a n d d r a w a c r o s s e d - o u t i r o n a n d a c r o s s e d - o u t triangle ( " n o
b l e a c h " ) a n d a stylized half-filled w a s h t u b with a large h a n d
in it ( " h a n d - w a s h " ) . W h e n I h a d finished with t h e substitu
tions a n d t h e S t r i n e I n e q u a l i t y s t o o d c o m p l e t e o n t h e p a g e ,
t h e r e c a m e a s o u n d , a s o u n d of d i s t a n t c h r o n i c liposuction, of
178
THE
FERMATA
fine cosmetic work b e i n g d o n e o n t h e c o s m o s , n i p s a n d tucks

tactfully taken, infinitesimal h a i r p l u g s of t i m e r e m o v e d from
distant star-systems, w h e r e they w o u l d n ' t b e missed, a n d ar
r a n g e d in q u a n t i t y serially for m e to live t h r o u g h . I was free
o n c e a g a i n to r o a m t h e Fold. T o r e t u r n to t i m e I only h a d to
erase t h e inequality sign, d i s a b l i n g its potency.
T h a t was t h e f o r m u l a I w r o t e d o w n o n t h e p l a c e m a t at t h e
T h a i r e s t a u r a n t . W h e n it h a d t a k e n effect, I w e n t over to
R h o d y a n d lifted h e r b o o k from h e r h a n d . It was a g r e e n
Virago p a p e r b a c k called Lady Audley's
Secret, by Mary E.
B r a d d o n . T h e b a c k cover said t h a t Lady Audley's Secret h a d

" s h o c k e d t h e Victorian p u b l i c with its revelations of h o r r o r s
at t h e very h e a r t of r e s p e c t a b l e society a n d its m o s t respect
able w o m e n . " E n c o u r a g e d , I t h u m b e d t h r o u g h it, r e a d i n g
things like " b o n n e t " a n d " g a u d i l y - j a p a n n e d i r o n tea-trays"
a n d t h e s e n t e n c e f r a g m e n t " h e a m u s e d himself by w a t c h i n g
h e r jewelled white h a n d s gliding softly over t h e keys, with t h e
lace sleeves d r o p p i n g away from h e r graceful a r c h e d wrists."
I c a m e to t h e inside of t h e b a c k cover; o n it, R h o d y ( o r Rhoda
E. Levering, a c c o r d i n g to t h e n a m e inscribed in t h e b o o k ) h a d
m a d e several notes. H e r h a n d w r i t i n g h a d a self-assured intel
ligence. T h e only n o t e t h a t I c o u l d m a k e any sense of, t h o u g h ,
was:
Sexiness of men who take off their watches in public
She used, as I did, t h e back of h e r b o o k to j o t d o w n p a s s i n g

observations. I p u t t h e b o o k b a c k in h e r g r i p , a n d I u n b u t
t o n e d h e r shirt a n d f o u n d o u t w h a t I c o u l d a b o u t h e r breasts.
A slight asymmetry i n s p i r e d i n s t a n t fondness. ( W o m e n w h o
r e a d Virago M o d e r n Classics a l m o s t always have fascinating
breasts.)
I h a d p l a n n e d to study a review of t h e n e w M a z d a 9 2 9 in
179
NICHOLSON
BAKER
Road & Track d u r i n g d i n n e r , b u t obviously t h a t was n o t possi

ble now. I was t e m p t e d to walk to a b o o k s t o r e in t h e Fold a n d
pick u p s o m e o t h e r V i r a g o to show off to her, b u t I t h o u g h t
b e t t e r of it: t o o aggressive a m a n u f a c t u r e d c o i n c i d e n c e . In
stead I e r a s e d t h e I n e q u a l i t y to e n d t h e t i m e - t r a n s p l a n t a t i o n
a n d , o n c e b a c k in t h e swing, p u l l e d o u t a turn-of-the-century
b i o g r a p h y of E d w a r d FitzGerald by A. C. B e n s o n t h a t I h a d
b e e n halfheartedly r e a d i n g ; I h e l d it o p e n with t h e e d g e of my
p l a t e . T h e waiter c a m e . I o r d e r e d d i n n e r in a fairly loud,
friendly voice in o r d e r to d r a w R h o d y ' s a t t e n t i o n . W h e n I h a d
h a n d e d over t h e m e n u , I d r o p p e d m y eyes i m m e d i a t e l y to my
b o o k as if I were i m p a t i e n t to get b a c k to it, a n d t h e n absentm i n d e d l y b e g a n m o v i n g m y w a t c h u p a n d d o w n o n my wrist.
I knew " R h o d a E. L e v e r i n g " was w a t c h i n g m e . I t u r n e d a
p a g e , lifting t h e p l a t e so t h a t it w o u l d clear, a n d w e n t back to
p l a y i n g with m y watch. S u d d e n l y I l o o k e d u p , c a u g h t Rhody's
eye, a n d gave h e r a friendly hello-look. I felt b a d a b o u t d o i n g
this, b e c a u s e I k n o w h o w h a r d it is to go b a c k to a book, n o
m a t t e r h o w e n g r o s s e d you were in it, w h e n you are a l o n e at a
table in a r e s t a u r a n t a n d you b e c o m e aware of s o m e o n e else
w h o m a y o r m a y n o t b e lonely, a n d m a y o r m a y n o t b e curious
a b o u t y o u s u d d e n l y , w h e t h e r you w e l c o m e it o r not, t h e r e is
a fiery transversity c o n n e c t i n g t h e two of you, w h e r e before
t h e r e h a d only b e e n a n a r r o w rectilinear g r e e n - c a r p e t e d T h a i
r e s t a u r a n t t h a t t o l e r a t e d solo r e a d e r s .
I r e t u r n e d to m y b o o k , deliberately m a k i n g ugly lip-pursed
faces to show t h a t I was d e e p l y c a u g h t u p in
FitzGeraldand
Edward
to release R h o d y from t h e tyranny of t h e
transversity if she w a n t e d to r e t u r n to Lady Audley's Secret.

W i t h o u t lifting m y eyes from t h e p a g e ( t h o u g h I was still sure
t h a t h e r b l a c k - r i m m e d glasses were flashing in my d i r e c t i o n ) ,
I raised my left h a n d a n d very slowly a n d teasingly p u l l e d o n
180
THE
FERMATA
the flap of my w a t c h b a n d u n t i l t h e tiny gold p r o n g of its

buckle h u n g free of t h e slightly e l o n g a t e d s e c o n d h o l e . Like
a s t r i p p e r delaying a m o m e n t of conclusive d i s r o b i n g , I h e l d
the u n b u c k l e d watch in place for a t i m e , t u r n i n g m y wrist
slowly within its l o o s e n e d e m b r a c e ; finally I slid t h e b u c k l e off
t h e strap a n d c a u g h t t h e face of t h e watch as it fell from m y
a r m . I did everything as s m o o t h l y a n d u n s u d d e n l y a n d strokingly as I could, n o t as if I were aware of R h o d y a n d trying to
entice her, b u t as if I were r e a d i n g with s u c h i n t e n s e c o n c e n
tration t h a t my u n c o n s c i o u s w a t c h - r e m o v a l m o v e m e n t s were
b e i n g slowed to a fraction of t h e i r n o r m a l s p e e d by t h e r a p
t u r e of my literary a p p r e c i a t i o n . I set t h e w a t c h d o w n j u s t
above my o p e n book, t h e two curved s e g m e n t s of t h e b a n d
f o r m i n g a seagull s h a p e . T h e n I l o o k e d directly a n d inquir
ingly at R h o d y again. H e r eyes fell to h e r p a g e .
T h a t was t h e b i g m o m e n t of t h e evening. W e i g n o r e d e a c h
o t h e r from t h e n o n . J u s t after she asked for h e r check, she
walked past m e to t h e b a t h r o o m . I whisked o u t my m e c h a n i
cal pencil a n d r e s t o r e d t h e c o m p l e t e I n e q u a l i t y o n m y placem a t a n d u s e d t h e Fold's ideal privacy to c o u n t t h e n u m b e r of
t a m p o n s in h e r p u r s e . T h e r e were five. I e r a s e d t i m e b a c k o n
a n d let h e r use t h e b a t h r o o m . W h e n she e m e r g e d , I D r o p p e d
again a n d c o u n t e d t a m p o n s : t h e r e were n o w four. Since I
have h a d miserable luck b e f r i e n d i n g w o m e n at t h e h e i g h t of
their periods, I d i d n ' t try to say hello to h e r t h e n . I n s t e a d , o n
my c a l e n d a r I m a r k e d a day two weeks later, w h e n she was
likely to b e at o r n e a r ovulation, a n d o n t h a t day I staked o u t
h e r address o n M a r l b o r o u g h Street after work. S h e g o t h o m e
a r o u n d six-thirty. H a l f a n h o u r later she r e a p p e a r e d in j e a n s .
I followed h e r discreetly to t h e H a r v a r d B o o k Store Caf o n
Newbury. J u s t before she w e n t i n t o t h e store, I c o m p l e t e d t h e
Inequality o n a p a d of p a p e r a n d slipped in a h e a d of her. I
1 8 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
c r o u c h e d in o n e of t h e aisles, n e a r t h e Mrs. H u m p h r y Wards,

a n d e r a s e d m y way i n t o t i m e . (I d i d n ' t w a n t to s e e m to have
m a t e r i a l i z e d o u t of t h i n air to a n y o n e in t h e store.) I stood u p ,
h o l d i n g a r a n d o m book; I p u t t h e b o o k away; a n d t h e n I
p u l l e d a V i r a g o p a p e r b a c k off t h e shelf. I h e a r d s o m e o n e step
i n t o t h e fiction aisle, a n d I was a l m o s t sure t h a t it was Rhody,
a n d it was. I t u r n e d a n d r e g a r d e d h e r blankly, innocently, a n d
t h e n w e n t t h r o u g h a p l e a s e d frown of r e c o g n i t i o n . She re
t u r n e d t h e favor. (Naturally I was h o l d i n g t h e b o o k in such a
way t h a t my w a t c h was plainly visible.) I will skip t h e " W e r e n ' t
you at t h e T h a i Star a few weeks a g o ? " e x c h a n g e t h a t followed,
since t h e r e was n o t h i n g newsworthy in itI will j u s t observe
that, d e s p i t e my h a v i n g p r o d u c e d a n d d i r e c t e d t h e entire
c o i n c i d e n c e , I was as overjoyed a n d n e r v o u s a n d relieved
w h e n she started talking away a b o u t t h e s u b d u e d greatness of
Mrs. H u m p h r y W a r d as if I really h a d fortuitously r u n into
her.
" Y o u k n o w w h a t really i n t e r e s t e d m e a b o u t y o u ? " she said
several weeks later, after we h a d b e e n o n a h a r b o r cruise a n d
h a d h a d l u n c h twice. "You may n o t r e m e m b e r this, b u t while
you were r e a d i n g t h a t t i m e at T h a i Star, you t o o k y o u r watch
off a n d p u t it j u s t above y o u r b o o k . "
" S o y o u were w a t c h i n g m e ! " I said. " I was very aware of
you."
"Yes, I was w a t c h i n g you. You t o o k y o u r watch off, a n d you
s e e m e d to l u x u r i a t e in every tiny step of t h e process. I've
always liked t h e sight of a m a n t a k i n g off his watch. It d o e s n ' t
n e e d to b e a n expensive watch, t h o u g h I prefer l e a t h e r to
m e t a l b a n d s . " S h e lowered h e r voice. " I like t h e r u b b i n g of
t h e wrist afterward."
" H o w i n t e r e s t i n g , " I said. "It's j u s t a h a b i t of m i n e I guess
I s t a r t e d d o i n g it in study hall in h i g h school. It s e e m e d grown
u p . " (This was n o t a l t o g e t h e r u n t r u e . )
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Rhody said, " I was e n a m o r e d of this o n e guy, a physics

major, in college w h o u s e d to g o t h r o u g h a r i t u a l of g e t t i n g
set u p to study at o n e of t h e tables in t h e library. H e s l i p p e d
off his s h o e s h e always h a d i m m a c u l a t e white sweatsocks o n ,
a n d very clean p a l e j e a n s a n d h e a r r a n g e d his w a t c h n e x t to
his textbook, with o n e s t r a p folded u n d e r t h e o t h e r . "
" H e s o u n d s like a real c a t c h , " I said.
" B u t t h e i n t e r e s t i n g t h i n g is t h a t only a few days b e f o r e I
saw you take off y o u r watch, s o m e o n e at work d i d t h e s a m e
t h i n g at a m e e t i n g , a n d I was r e m i n d e d of h o w k i n d of . . .
seductive it is, even t h o u g h in t h a t case I wasn't at all inter
ested in t h e p e r s o n w h o did it. J u s t in his wrist. I n fact, I
even m a d e a n o t e in b a c k of t h e b o o k I was r e a d i n g at t h e
time a b o u t h o w sexy it is to w a t c h a m a n d o that. So t h e r e .
Isn't it weird t h e way t h i n g s like t h a t always h a p p e n
in
twos?"
I a g r e e d t h a t it was weird, a n d we got off i n t o a discussion
of R u p e r t S h e l d r a k e a n d t h e m o r p h i c r e s o n a n c e s t h a t p u r
portedly aid p r o t e i n synthesis. T h a t e v e n i n g she b r o u g h t m e
back to h e r a p a r t m e n t to show m e t h e a c t u a l n o t e in t h e
back of Lady Audley 's Secret. W e e n d e d u p h a v i n g sex for t h e
first time. ( T h e r e was a m e m o r a b l e m o m e n t w h e n my h a n d s
were flat against a Sierra C l u b wall c a l e n d a r as I fucked
slowly in a n d o u t of h e r m o u t h . A n d t h e r e was a n o t h e r
m e m o r a b l e m o m e n t w h e n she p u t a c u c u m b e r i n t h e m i c r o
wave for a few s e c o n d s to take t h e chill off a n d I twisted t h e
corkscrew we h a d u s e d o n t h e b o t t l e of C a b e r n e t i n t o o n e
e n d of it a n d she let m e watch h e r c u k e herself with it, h o l d
i n g it by its b l o n d w o o d e n h a n d l e . ) I a m n o t saying t h a t it is
a total impossibility t h a t t h e two of u s c o u l d have g o t t e n
t o g e t h e r at t h e T h a i r e s t a u r a n t if I h a d simply walked over
to h e r a n d struck u p a conversation. I m i g h t have cruised
h e r successfully w i t h o u t subterfuge. B u t it's j u s t as likely t h a t
183
NICHOLSON
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s h e w o u l d have politely sent m e away. I ' m less suave with a

w o m a n w h e n I h a v e n ' t h a d a preview of h e r breasts. So t h e
m o r a l is: R h o d y was q u i t e w r o n g in a s s u m i n g t h a t t h e Fer
m a t a was intrinsically antithetical to seduction. I u s e d t h e
F e r m a t a to s e d u c e her.
184
13
I
JL.
WAS IN A CERTAIN A M O U N T O F PAIN W H E N THINGS E N D E D WITH
Rhody. I h a d given h e r a glimpse of my i n n e r life, a n d she h a d

u n a m b i g u o u s l y rejected it. B u t I realize now, in p u t t i n g
Rhody d o w n o n p a p e r , t h a t g o o d , t a n g i b l e t h i n g s grew o u t of
o u r t r u n c a t e d r e l a t i o n s h i p . If I h a d n o t seen a n d a c t e d o n t h a t
n o t e a b o u t m e n a n d watches in t h e b a c k of h e r copy of t h e
Virago p a p e r b a c k , I w o u l d p r o b a b l y n o t have h a d t h e later
idea of writing s m u t t y e x p o s t u l a t i o n s in p a p e r b a c k s j u s t
before w o m e n browsed t h e m , a n d if I h a d n ' t t h o u g h t of that,
I p r o b a b l y w o u l d n ' t have conceived of u s i n g t h e Fold as a
rotter's r e t r e a t a n d leaving t h e o u t c o m e w h e r e a w o m a n
m i g h t find it. I n a way, Rhody's s p u r n i n g t h e glimpse I h a d
185
NICHOLSON
BAKER
given h e r of m y secret freed m e to investigate its p o t e n t i a l

further.
After t h e t i m e o n t h e C a p e , I wrote a little m o r e : o n e story
a b o u t a n a k e d w o m a n s u s p e n d e d above o n e l a n e of t h e Calla
h a n t u n n e l o n a black r o p e t r a p e z e n e t d u r i n g r u s h h o u r ,
l o o k i n g d o w n t h r o u g h its s q u a r e m e s h at t h e cars filing slowly
b e n e a t h h e r a n d pissing generously o n t h e m as their m o o n roofs slid o p e n ; o n e story a b o u t a m a n t e a c h i n g a y o u n g
w o m a n to t o u c h - t y p e o n his a n t i q u e Oliver N o . 9 m a n u a l
typewriter, h o l d i n g his h a n d s over h e r h a n d s a n d closing his
eyes a n d feeling h e r fingers sink o n e by o n e into t h e d e e p
c o u n t e r w e i g h t e d letters a n d k n o w i n g she was spelling H-I-P-S
a n d b e i n g u n a b l e to resist p u t t i n g his h a n d s o n h e r hips, t h e n
feeling h e r fingers type B-R-E-A-S-T-S o n t h e r o u n d black
c u p l i k e keys a n d b e i n g u n a b l e to resist p a l m i n g h e r breasts
a n d p u l l i n g h e r b a c k against h i m ; o n e story a b o u t a g r o u p of
scuba-diving C a r i b b e a n tourists c o r r u p t i n g t h e angelfish with
aerosol c a n s of c h e d d a r cheese, s o m e t i m e s m a k i n g cheese
h e a r t s in t h e w a t e r t h a t t h e fish t h e n m o m e n t a r i l y e c h o e d as
they fed, s o m e t i m e s s q u i r t i n g it o n wet-suited a r m s o r breasts
a n d l e t t i n g t h e fish n i p it off; o n e a b o u t a w o m a n letting h e r
p e t h e r m i t c r a b walk lightly all over h e r back while she r e a d
Barron's a n d d r e a m e d of blue-eyed m e n with t o n s of money;
o n e a b o u t several caves of stalagmites, e a c h o n e a different
color, that, w h e n b r o k e n off a n d inserted into a vadge,
glowed, t h e i r s t u m p s r e l e a s i n g bidet-like streams of w a r m
s u b t e r r a n e a n m i n e r a l water.
I s p e n t s o m e p e r s o n a l t i m e with A m i P r o a n d a c o p i e r a n d
s a d d l e - b o u n d a n u m b e r of copies of these several stories,
a l o n g with t h e o n e a b o u t M a r i a n a n d t h e ridem lawn-mower,
in p a m p h l e t form, u s i n g as a cover t h e p a l e b l u e cover of
s o m e t h i n g called Tales of French Love and Passiona
186
heavily
THE
FERMATA
ironic reissue of a cheesy 1936 e d i t i o n of several mildly
risqu
stories by Guy d e M a u p a s s a n t t h a t I h a d o r d e r e d t h r o u g h t h e
Archie M c P h e e catalog. I left my h o m e m a d e b o o k l e t in lots of
placesin copies of Self a n d The American Scholar j u s t b e f o r e
they were shoved t h r o u g h mail-slots, in w o m e n ' s b a t h r o o m s
at d a n c e clubs, u n d e r t h e G i d e o n ' s Bible in several r o o m s of
the M r i d i e n H o t e l , o n coffee tables d u r i n g cocktail parties,
inserted in t h e library's Encyclopedia of Philosophy in t h e article
o n "Life, M e a n i n g a n d V a l u e o f " b u t n o t h i n g r e s u l t e d from
all this effort t h a t was anywhere n e a r as e x c i t i n g to m e as t h e
simple sight of Michelle, t h e C a p e C o d w o m a n , d u n k i n g h e r
dildo in h e r b a t h w a t e r a n d s h a k i n g it off.
T h e p e a k of my life-imitates-rot p h a s e c a m e o n t h e Massa
chusetts T u r n p i k e o n e Saturday. I was o u t for a drive. It was
a u t u m n a n d h o r m o n e levels were rising. I was idly t h i n k i n g of
following t h r o u g h o n my N o r t h a m p t o n i d e a t h e o n e a b o u t
s t r i p p i n g everyone o n M a i n Street a n d , if n o t m o u n d i n g t h e i r
clothes all in a single m o u n d a n d d a n c i n g o n it, t h e n at least
p u t t i n g e a c h p e r s o n ' s clothes neatly in a plastic grocery b a g
in his o r h e r h a n d t h e idea of a n a k e d town discovering t h a t
it was carrying its clothes a r o u n d in plastic b a g s thrilled m e .
(The sight of n a k e d m i d d l e - a g e d w o m e n in t h e s t e a m r o o m s
of certain c o u n t r y clubs carrying t h e i r jewelry a r o u n d in
d r o o p y plastic bags, b e c a u s e they a r e afraid t h a t it will b e
stolen from t h e i r lockers, thrills m e , t o o ; I have b e e n in t h e
steam r o o m s with t h e m ; I have t o u c h e d t h e i r m o i s t plastic
bags of jewelry.) My a m b i t i o n s a r e n o t g l o b a l in s c o p e I
d o n ' t t h i n k of n u d e n a t i o n s o r m e t r o p o l i s e s ; b u t totally t o p
less M a i n Streets of small towns, especially small towns with
classy w o m e n ' s colleges in t h e m , yes. I d e c i d e d t h a t if I lost my
nerve a n d c o u l d n ' t go t h r o u g h with d e n u d i n g t h e w h o l e town,
I c o u l d at least r e p l a c e t h e TV Guides in t h e rack at t h e
187
NICHOLSON
BAKER
s u p e r m a r k e t with m y p e r s o n a l Tales of French Love and Passion

a n d w a t c h h o w p e o p l e r e a c t e d . B u t I never m a d e it to
N o r t h a m p t o n . I got severely distracted by a w o m a n in a car
j u s t p a s t Worcester.
I was driving in t h e slow l a n e . My window was o p e n ; t h e car
was b o o m i n g with air noise. My left (wristwatched) a r m was
o u t s i d e ; I was m a k i n g my h a n d i n t o a w i n g s h a p e to see
w h e t h e r I c o u l d c r e a t e lift, a n d m a k i n g it dive a n d climb
against t h e wind. A w o m a n driving a small b l u e car a p p e a r e d
in t h e rear-view m i r r o r . N o e x p r e s s i o n is as impassive as a
w o m a n ' s seen in a rear-view m i r r o r : it has a n impassiveness so
i m p a r t i a l a n d c o m p r e h e n s i v e t h a t it cries o u t to b e surprised.
S h e was g o i n g faster t h a n I was a n d impassively b e g a n to pass
m e ; I lost sight of h e r for a m i n u t e as she e n t e r e d t h a t place
w h e r e p a s s i n g cars d o n ' t exista k i n d of Fold-effect of t h e
r e a r - a n d side-view m i r r o r s . I a c c e l e r a t e d very slightly, so t h a t
w h e n she d i d pass, it w o u l d take longer. I h a d only seen h e r
face for a n instant, in fact I h a d only h a d t i m e to notice t h a t
s h e was a w o m a n of twenty o r so with lots of thickly wavy
m u l t i h u e d fair h a i r driving a l o n e , b u t my very sketchy simplis
tic sense of h e r w i n d s h i e l d e d face m e r g e d with my equally
simplistic sense of t h e h e a d l i g h t s of h e r unflashy b l u e car to
t u r n h e r instantly i n t o a well-developed c h a r a c t e r in my imag
i n a t i o n . As she invisibly p u l l e d closer to m e in t h e fast lane
a n d I h e a r d h e r tires s i n g i n g a n d sensed h o w close she was to
m e , t h e i d e a t h a t she was s o o n g o i n g to pass m e b e c a m e
swoonsomely powerful: t h e s t e e r i n g wheel s e e m e d to b e c o m e
flexible
a n d e x p a n d in w i d e n i n g ripples; I felt t h a t I was a
glowing l u m p of s o m e t h i n g m e l t i n g o n t h e fly. I c o u l d n o t
believe t h a t in a m a t t e r of thirty s e c o n d s o r so this p e r s o n was
g o i n g t o p u l l u p n e x t to m e a n d t h a t I w o u l d b e able to look
over at her; w h e n she d i d I felt I w o u l d s h o u t o r weep.
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FERMATA
At t h e s a m e t i m e I felt a b l i p of self-irritable disgust at t h e

astonishing p o t e n c y of these car-crushes a n d at h o w m u c h
m e n t a l air-time they c o n s u m e d w h e n I drove. It was insane to
think t h a t s o m e o n e was m o r e w o n d e r f u l a n d mysterious j u s t
because she was p a s s i n g m e in h e r car. W h a t c o u l d b e m o r e
c o m m o n t h a n two p e o p l e driving nearly side by side o n a
highway, o n e d r a w i n g a b r e a s t of t h e o t h e r ? W h y c o u l d n ' t I
j u s t relax a n d let h e r pass m e w i t h o u t falling in total t e m p love with her? A n d yet t h a t was w h a t was g o i n g o n a n d
maybe it was g o i n g o n for her, t o o : m a y b e she was listening to
Terry Gross o n N a t i o n a l Public R a d i o a n d barely r e g i s t e r i n g
that s o m e car (me) was off to h e r right, b u t m a y b e h e r h o p e s
were rising a n d c r a s h i n g addictively e a c h t i m e she p a s s e d a
l o n e m a n at t h e w h e e l m a y b e she was trying j u s t as I h a d
d o n e to piece t o g e t h e r a sense of t h e lovability a n d m a r r i a g e
ability of e a c h p e r s o n b a s e d o n t h e ludicrously i n a d e q u a t e
i n f o r m a t i o n availablethat is, o n t h e driver's h e a d , o n t h e
state of origin of t h e license plate, o n t h e g e n e r a l personality
of t h e car (all cars are classifiable as c u t e / p e r k y o r e l e g a n t e /
mysterioso o r C a m a r o / v u l g a r o ) , o n w h e t h e r o n e h a n d o r two
was visible o n t h e steering wheel, a n d o n t h e c o n d i t i o n of t h e
sheet metal. As h e r d o o r - h a n d l e c a m e in line with m i n e I tried
to fight t h e desire to t u r n toward h e r b u t I c o u l d n ' t ; I l o o k e d
blankly at h e r j u s t as she was t u r n i n g to look blankly at m e ;
t h e n we b o t h t u r n e d b a c k a n d l o o k e d straight a h e a d at o u r
lanes. At t h a t m o m e n t , we were driving at a l m o s t exactly t h e
s a m e speed. W e were close. It s e e m e d m i r a c u l o u s to m e t h a t
we c o u l d b e in such states of seated r e p o s e , a n d yet c o u l d b e
s e p a r a t e d by t h e surface of t h e highway, w h i c h was m o v i n g
between us so fast t h a t if I o p e n e d my d o o r a n d tried to walk
over to h e r a n d get in h e r car, my feet a n d s h i n - b o n e s w o u l d
b e s a n d e d d o w n to n o t h i n g . W i t h t o r m e n t i n g leisureliness s h e
189
NICHOLSON
BAKER
finally p u l l e d a h e a d a n d p u t o n h e r b l i n k e r a n d s m o o t h e d h e r
b l u e c a r - b u t t over in front of m e . (It t u r n e d o u t to b e a F o r d
Escort, w h i c h always m a k e s m e t h i n k of escort services w h e n
I ' m driving l o n g distance.) T h e n I saw s o m e t h i n g
rivetinga
S m i t h C o l l e g e sticker o n h e r r e a r window, with a University of

C h i c a g o sticker above it. I d i d n ' t have to drive all t h e way to
N o r t h a m p t o n ; S m i t h C o l l e g e was right h e r e with m e o n t h e
r o a d ! B u t I h e s i t a t e d before I p u s h e d u p o n my glasses, having
n e v e r b e e n t h r o u g h a full-blown c h r o n v u l s i o n in a m o v i n g car
before. W o u l d it b e safe? W o u l d my h i g h r a t e of s p e e d relative
to t h e highway c a u s e s o m e u n f o r e s e e n d a n g e r ? S t o p p i n g t h e
universe while driving at sixty miles a n h o u r s e e m e d a n ex
tremely r a s h a n d kinky t h i n g to d o .
I k e p t s t a r i n g at h e r taillights. I saw h e r look u p at m e briefly
in h e r rear-view m i r r o r . T h e n she fluffed h e r massive coarsely
wavy h a i r so t h a t s o m e of it fell over t h e whiplash projection
o n t h e b a c k of h e r seat. T h e h i g h small r o u n d c h r o m e lock o n
t h e curve of h e r t r u n k l o o k e d a little like w h a t I i m a g i n e d h e r
asshole m i g h t look like. I d e c i d e d t h a t I w o u l d survive what
ever h a p p e n e d . I waited a polite interval a n d t h e n p u l l e d over
i n t o t h e fast l a n e a n d s p e d u p to pass her. W e were o n a slight
d o w n g r a d e . As I c a m e closer to her, t h e s a m e s w o o n i n g feel
i n g as b e f o r e swept over m e , e x c e p t t h a t n o w I a n d n o t she was
b r i n g i n g a b o u t this u n s p o k e n thrill; w h e n o u r profiles were
even I d i d n ' t look over, k n o w i n g t h a t she knew t h a t I was
p a s s i n g h e r a n d w o u l d n ' t look at m e , b e c a u s e t h e r u l e in
highway flirtation was n o t to look o n t h e s e c o n d pass. Instead
I hit t h e c l u t c h p e d a l a n d glided freely for a s e c o n d o r two
right
n e x t to h e r , setting myself u p mentally for t h e disen
g a g e m e n t of t h e t e m p o r a l drive-train, a n d t h e n very slowly I

p u s h e d my glasses u p o n t h e b r i d g e of my nose; w h e n I let go
of t h e m t h e S m i t h w o m a n a n d I were still side by side o n t h e
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Mass Pike, b u t we w e r e n ' t m o v i n g forward. My r a d i o was si

lent.
My d o o r was n o t easy to get o p e n . I h a d to p u s h with m y
s h o u l d e r to displace t h e jellied wind-flow. A n d t h e r o a d surface
a r o u n d my car p r e s e n t e d a s t r a n g e sight: t h o u g h m o t i o n l e s s ,
it looked slightly foggy a n d i n d e t e r m i n a t e , as if p h o t o g r a p h e d
t h r o u g h a Vaselined lens; you c o u l d n ' t focus o n it p r o p e r l y .
W h e n I gingerly got o u t , leaving m y d o o r o p e n , a n d t i p t o e d
a r o u n d t h e back of my car, I f o u n d t h a t t h e a s p h a l t was in fact
s o m e w h a t resilient u n d e r f o o t ; its s p e e d relative to t h e soles of
my shoes a p p a r e n t l y m a d e it impossible for t h e two physical
surfaces to interact normally, a n d gave t h e r o a d t h e c h a r a c t e r
istics of s o m e sort of d e n s e , even s p o n g y g r o u n d - c o v e r , like
moss. T h e o t h e r oddity was t h a t I h e a r d h o o t i n g a n d r o a r i n g
noises in m y ears w h e n I walked i n t o o r away from t h e direc
tion t h a t I h a d b e e n driving: I s u p p o s e d it was s o m e t h i n g to
d o with vectors a n d frozen s o u n d waves a n d t h e D o p p l e r
effect, b u t I d i d n ' t t r o u b l e myself over it. I n s t e a d I s t r a d d l e d
the white line b e t w e e n t h e S m i t h w o m a n ' s c a r a n d m i n e a n d
e x t e n d e d my a r m s so t h a t I t o u c h e d b o t h n e a r d o o r s , h e r s a n d
m i n e , c o n n e c t i n g u s two. I h e l d t h a t quasi-crucifixional posi
tion for a time, l o o k i n g o u t at t h e hills a n d t h e cars a h e a d ,
c o n s i d e r i n g t h a t if I p u l l e d o n my glasses right t h e n t o r e s u m e
time, my car w o u l d r a c e off driverless a n d w o u l d eventually
crash, a n d I, left in t h e m i d d l e of t h e r o a d , w o u l d a l m o s t
certainly b e hit by o n e of t h e cars b e h i n d o u r s . I l o o k e d
t h r o u g h h e r window at her, my face i n c h e s away from h e r
profile. I went a r o u n d a n d o p e n e d h e r p a s s e n g e r d o o r , which
was fortunately n o t locked, a n d c l e a r e d off t h e j u n k o n t h e
seat (mostly cassettes a n d several b o o k s - o n - t a p e from t h e li
brary) a n d got in n e x t to her.
I d o n ' t have to p o i n t o u t t h a t cars a r e e x t r e m e l y private
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NICHOLSON
BAKER
places; t h e feeling t h a t I was d o i n g s o m e t h i n g of q u e s t i o n a b l e

ethics by e n t e r i n g this w o m a n ' s small glossy b l u e F o r d was
m o r e i n t e n s e t h a n I c o u l d r e m e m b e r in r e c e n t fermations. I
was sweating with t h e a l m o s t horrified e x c i t e m e n t of my
w r o n g d o i n g . T h e soles of my feet were w a r m to t h e t o u c h . I
was in h e r car. "Well, h e r e we a r e , " I said a l o u d to myself. I
c o u l d n ' t b r i n g myself to find o u t w h a t was u p with h e r breasts,
o r d o a n y t h i n g m o r e radical in fact t h a n rest my h a n d lightly
o n h e r a c c e l e r a t o r leg (she was w e a r i n g a h u g e thick p i n k
sweater with roses woven i n t o it, a n d faded j e a n s ) ; I h a d a
sense of b e i n g d a n g e r o u s l y far away from h o m e , p e r h a p s
b e c a u s e t h e s t e e r i n g wheel a n d b r a k e p e d a l of my own speed
i n g car were so n e a r b y a n d yet so peculiarly o u t of my reach.
W h a t s h o u l d I do? S h o u l d I simply j a c k in t h e p a s s e n g e r seat
n e x t t o her? I d o n ' t as a r u l e like m a s t u r b a t i n g in cars. I c o u l d
get o u t a n d s t a n d in t h e r o a d a n d j a c k o n t o h e r t r u n k lock o r
h e r driver-side window, or, h a v i n g rolled d o w n t h a t window
b e f o r e h a n d , I c o u l d j a c k directly i n t o t h e i n t e r i o r of h e r car.
B u t it w o u l d b e r u d e to get my h a r d sauce all over t h e flowers
o n h e r sweater, w h i c h l o o k e d expensive a n d h a n d - k n i t , per
h a p s a favorite sweater of hers. Besides, my shoes m i g h t m e l t
or catch
flame.
W h a t I really w a n t e d was j u s t to b e alive in this w o m a n ' s

car for a s e c o n d while she was driving itso I c l i m b e d in t h e
b a c k seat a n d lay d o w n a n d u s e d my glasses to reactivate
t i m e for t h e q u i c k c o u n t of five a n d t h e n deactivated it
a g a i n . It was w o n d e r f u l to b e
riding
in h e r car. She h a d
s o m e m u s i c g o i n g , s o m e t h i n g familiar, a n d I t h o u g h t I
c o u l d h e a r h e r h u m m i n g quietly a l o n g with it. H e r car was
m u c h q u i e t e r t h a n m i n e . W h e n my D r o p was over I sat u p
a n d l o o k e d over at m y e m p t y car: it h a d drifted a little to t h e
right
(possibly t h e d o o r ' s " s u d d e n " o p e n i n g a n d c o n s e q u e n t

192
THE
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s l a m m i n g shut) b u t t h o u g h driverless for a few s e c o n d s it

h a d m a i n t a i n e d c o u r s e fairly well, j u s t as I h a d e x p e c t e d .
I lay t h e r e in t h e S m i t h College w o m a n ' s b a c k seat for q u i t e
a while, my h e a d resting o n h e r o v e r n i g h t b a g , p l a y i n g with a
wavy sprig of h e r h a i r a n d trying to t h i n k of s o m e way t h a t I
could possibly b e c o m e a p a r t of h e r life. S o m e of h e r h a i r was
held with a large t o o t h e d c l a m p . I grew c u r i o u s a b o u t w h a t
she was listening to a n d c l i m b e d b a c k u p beside h e r a n d
p o p p e d t h e t a p e : it was a S u z a n n e V e g a called Solitude Stand
ing. She h a d g o t t e n only halfway i n t o t h e first cassette of t h e
a u d i o version of Gulliver's
Travels b e f o r e a b a n d o n i n g it for
some music. All at o n c e I h a d c o n j u r e d u p a little p l a n . It

would take time, b u t I w a n t e d it to. S h e was w o r t h it.
This is w h a t I did: I walked for a l m o s t a n h o u r u n t i l I
c a m e to a mall with a d i s c o u n t store, w h e r e I b o u g h t a fairly
high-quality t a p e r e c o r d e r a n d s o m e cassettes a n d batteries.
(Bought: t h a t is, left r o u g h l y t h e cash to pay for it in t h e
a p p r o p r i a t e cash register a l o n g with a n o t e saying t h a t this
m o n e y was in p a y m e n t for i t e m n u m b e r , etc., etc.) I also
assembled a festive picnic l u n c h for myself at a deli a n d left
m o n e y there. Several A r n o - h o u r s later, I g o t b a c k to m y car
a n d p u l l e d o u t my Tales of French Love and Passion a n d sat in
the S m i t h w o m a n ' s p a s s e n g e r seat. T h e n a m e I got from h e r
wallet was Adele J u n e t t e Spacks.
" H e l l o a n d excuse m e , " I said i n t o t h e t a p e r e c o r d e r in a
lower voice t h a n I usually have, l o o k i n g r i g h t at Miss Spacks.
"With t h e h e l p of my b e n e v o l e n t a u to kinetic powers, I have
taken t h e liberty of p o p p i n g t h e S u z a n n e V e g a cassette in
progress a n d p l a c i n g it o n t h e seat beside you. I have r e p l a c e d
it with a t a p e of my own, t h e very t a p e t h a t you are l i s t e n i n g
to now. I would prefer to r e m a i n a n o n y m o u s , b u t I will tell
you t h a t I too a m c u r r e n t l y driving west o n t h e Mass T u r n p i k e ,
193
NICHOLSON
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a n d t h a t y o u passed m e a little while a g o , a n d that, t h o u g h

you m a y n o t have b e e n aware of it, d u r i n g t h o s e few seconds
w h e n we were driving side by side, I d e v e l o p e d o n e of t h e
m o r e i n t e n s e car-to-car i n f a t u a t i o n s I have ever e x p e r i e n c e d .
I've d e c i d e d t h a t this t i m e I will act o n my feelings for o n c e by
offering y o u this h o m e m a d e t a p e for y o u r diversion. Please
feel free to listen to it o r n o t as you wish. Feel free to press the
eject b u t t o n at any t i m e if a n y t h i n g o n it distresses you. It does
c o n t a i n n u d i t y a n d sexual s i t u a t i o n s i n fact, it c o n t a i n s a
g r e a t d e a l of n u d i t y a n d sexual situations. B u t it's only words.
I only m e a n to divert y o u while you drive. If my t a p e offends,
please feel free to toss it o u t t h e w i n d o w a n d a c c e p t my a p o l o
gies. Please feel free, please feel free."
After this i n t r o d u c t o r y spiel, I r e a d a l o u d t h e story t h a t I
h a d written while k n e e l i n g n e x t to t h e w o m a n in the grayg r e e n b a t h i n g suit o n t h e C a p e . Sitting so close to Miss Spacks
in h e r car, in a silence thicker t h a n any r e c o r d i n g studio's, I
s t a r t e d t o feel a little style-crampingly self-conscious as I got
i n t o t h e m o r e g r a p h i c sections of t h e text, a n d my n a r r a t o r ' s
voice b e g a n to lose authority; finally I h a d to transfer myself
a n d t h e t a p e r e c o r d e r from Miss Spacks's car b a c k to my own,
w h e r e , with a c o n f i d e n c e b o r n of distance, I finished r e a d i n g
t h e rest of it in o n e take, m o r e o r less, w i t h o u t too m a n y
flubs. It was g o o d to b e making a t a p e for o n c e , r a t h e r t h a n
h a v i n g to t r a n s c r i b e s o m e o n e else's. Still, w h e n I was d o n e
I was n o t c o m p l e t e l y satisfied. T h e
one-hundred-and-ten-
m i n u t e M e m o r e x t a p e was n o t full, for o n e t h i n g . A n d I felt

u n g e n e r o u s in offering this b r a n d - n e w p e r s o n my old rot.
I n d e e d , I felt unfaithful to her, j u s t as I h a d felt unfaithful to
t h e C a p e C o d w o m a n w h e n I h a d s p r i n t e d d o w n t h e b e a c h in
t h e Cleft a n d c h e c k e d o u t t h a t girl. T h e old story h a d b e e n
p a r t of a n old s e d u c t i o n , a n d A d e l e J u n e t t e Spacks, w h o was
1 94
THE
FERMATA
unwittingly s p e n d i n g so m u c h t i m e " w i t h " m e , deserved

s o m e t h i n g fresh in r e t u r n , s o m e t h i n g rash, s o m e t h i n g m o r e
representative of w h a t I was c a p a b l e of c o m i n g u p with
right
at t h a t very m o m e n t o n t h e r o a d in h e r c o m p a n y . I ate l u n c h
o n t h e t r u n k of my car, t h i n k i n g kink, kink, kink. T h e n I g o t
o u t t h e Casio, which I h a d p a c k e d in my t r u n k , a n d in j u s t
twelve straight h o u r s I wrote a s e c o n d set of a d v e n t u r e s for
M a r i a n t h e L i b r a r i a n . I w o r k e d in a few of t h e sights I h a d
witnessed in t h e C a p e C o d b a t h r o o m . H e r e ' s h o w P a r t Two
went.
195
14
T
JL.
O W A R D T H E M I D D L E O F SEPTEMBER, MARIAN S S E X U A L INTER-
est inexplicably a b a t e d . S h e p u t all h e r dildi a n d appliances

in t h e d r a w e r t h a t h a d o n c e h e l d David's sweaters. T h e last two
toys she h a d o r d e r e d a tiny vibe, teasingly c a n i n e in a p p e a r
a n c e b u t m o l d e d from a n impeccably comme il faut piece of
pickled okra, a n d a g i a n t A r m a n d e K l o c k h a m m e r S i g n a t u r e
M o d e l s h e d i d n ' t even b o t h e r to try o u t before p u t t i n g t h e m
in s t o r a g e . S h e felt a m i l d s n o b b i s h c o n t e m p t for p e o p l e who
d e v o t e d so m u c h of t h e i r free t i m e to solo sex-play. H e r
p e r e n n i a l g a r d e n , for e x a m p l e , was far m o r e satisfying t h a n a
b u n c h of pastless, futureless o r g a s m s . S h e r e a d b u l b catalogs
avidly. After m u c h study she o r d e r e d several h u n d r e d tulip
196
THE
FERMATA
bulbs from Mack's. W h e n they arrived, via U P S , she gently

deflected t h e eagerly scrotal leer of h e r friend J o h n in t h e
b r o w n truck. It felt exciting a n d s t r a n g e to b e m o r e t h a n a
sexual b e i n g , to have interests. As she l o o k e d over t h e b o x e s
of bulbs, however, she realized t h a t she w o u l d n e e d h e l p
c u t t i n g t h e b e d s a n d p l a n t i n g t h e m all, so she h i r e d t h e n e i g h
b o r kid, Kevin.
Ever since she h a d b e e n m o w i n g h e r o w n lawn, she h a d lost
t o u c h with y o u n g Kevin. H e s e e m e d to have grown a n i n c h o r
two. H e h a d g o n e o u t for t h e h i g h j u m p , a n d h e h a d a c q u i r e d
a girlfriend n a m e d Sylvie, w h o m h e said was " a really special
p e r s o n . " F o r a w h o l e w e e k e n d a n d t h r e e cool late a f t e r n o o n s
h e a n d M a r i a n w o r k e d t o g e t h e r p r e p a r i n g t h e soil in t h e b e d s
with b a g s of p e a t a n d t h e n setting in t h e b u l b s . T h e dirt was
cool t h r o u g h M a r i a n ' s gloves. After shyly asking w h e t h e r she
would m i n d , Kevin b r o u g h t over his r a d i o . At first she was a
little irritated by t h e s o u n d , w h i c h d i s t u r b e d h e r b u c o l i c
a l p h a - s t a t e b u t over t i m e several of t h e songs s e p a r a t e d
themselves from t h e o t h e r s . I n o n e , a w o m a n s a n g s o m e t h i n g
a b o u t Solitude s t a n d i n g in t h e doorway. S h e sang, " H e r p a l m
is split with a flower with a flame." M a r i a n k e p t t i m e to this
song, first with h e r troweling, a n d t h e n with h e r c h i n . W h e n
she h a d h e a r d it t h e s e c o n d t i m e , she asked Kevin (feeling a
little shy herself), " W h o d o e s this s o n g ? "
Kevin looked u p . " S u z a n n e V e g a . "
" A h , " said M a r i a n . " I like it."
"Yeah, it's pretty g o o d , " said Kevin. H e was i m p o s s i b l e to
read. H e d r o p p e d a n o t h e r d a r k b u l b in a h o l e a n d gently
m o u n d e d soil a r o u n d it. M a r i a n g l a n c e d at h i m several times.
H e h a d a gray track-and-field T-shirt over a gray sweatshirt.
W h e n h e p u s h e d o n t h e e a r t h over o n e of h e r b u l b s , she
i m a g i n e d t h e m u s c l e in t h e side of his a r m , as she h a d seen
197
NICHOLSON
BAKER
it w h e n h e h a d h a d his shirt off t h a t day, l o n g ago, at t h e

b e g i n n i n g of s u m m e r , before she h a d l e a r n e d to mow. A n d
later, w h e n t h e s o n g c a m e o n again, h e l o o k e d u p at h e r a n d
smiled a n d t h e n w e n t b a c k to p l a n t i n g a n d M a r i a n noticed
t h a t his ears were q u i t e r e d .
S h e w a t e r e d t h e b u l b s in a n d forgot a b o u t t h e m . T h e
g r o u n d b e g a n to look c o l d t h r e e l o n g b e d s of very cold
b u l b s . As winter hit, M a r i a n b e c a m e c a u g h t u p in a battle with
a d e v e l o p e r w h o w a n t e d to b u i l d a n o t h e r mall o u t s i d e of
town. It was g o i n g to b e e n o r m o u s a n d in its own way w o n d e r
f u l b u t t h e r e was already a s h o p p i n g c e n t e r with a d i s c o u n t
c h a i n in it t h a t was w o r k i n g u n d e r c h a p t e r eleven, a n d t h e
d o w n t o w n w o u l d suffer, as it always did. S h e went o u t o n
several d a t e s with a m a n she m e t at t h e mall m e e t i n g s , a n d
while she enjoyed talking to h i m (he was o n e of those m e n
w h o have a p a s s i o n a t e interest in s o m e p a r t i c u l a r writer which
at first s e e m s sincere, a n d t h e n finally e n d s u p s e e m i n g almost
a r b i t r a r y i n his case it was Rilke: h e s e e m e d to b e getting
t h i n g s from Rilke t h a t h e c o u l d have g o t t e n from any n u m b e r
of p o e t s , while missing whatever it was t h a t Rilke
had
u n i q u e l y ) , she n o n e t h e l e s s d i d n ' t w a n t to d o a n y t h i n g m o r e
t h a n kiss h i m cordially in h e r driveway.
W h e n s p r i n g finally c a m e , she w e n t o u t every day to h e r
t u l i p b e d s to watch for activity. It was a n u n u s u a l l y dry h o t
s p r i n g , a n d she felt t h a t she s h o u l d water to give h e r b e d s a
g o o d start, b u t she d e s p a i r e d at h e r hose. T h e faucet still
leaked tiresomely. T h e sprayer was rusty. W h a t w o u l d m a k e
h e r b u l b s really h a p p y , it s u d d e n l y o c c u r r e d to her, was if she
c o u l d get a p l u m b e r to a d a p t h e r own P o l l e n e x s h o w e r h e a d
so t h a t it w o u l d fit o n t h e e n d of t h e hose. S h e n e e d e d a very
light, very delicate b u t insistent spray for h e r t u l i p s n o gar
d e n sprayer c o u l d offer that. S h e also t h o u g h t t h a t t h e hose
198
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water was m u c h t o o c o l d s h e felt t h a t t h e b u l b s w o u l d d o

b e t t e r with w a r m e r water. S h e realized t h a t she w a s n ' t think
i n g all t h a t rationally, b u t h e r idea n o n e t h e l e s s was: h o o k u p
the g a r d e n h o s e to t h e shower-pipe, r u n t h e h o s e o u t t h e
b a t h r o o m window, a n d fix t h e P o l l e n e x s h o w e r h e a d o n t o t h e
t e r m i n a l e n d . O t h e r ideas of interest followed o n this o n e ; she
called a p l u m b e r .
T h e p l u m b e r was a t h i n derisive m a n with t h e u s u a l
p l u m b e r body-smell w h o rolled his eyes at h e r p l a n , told h e r
she c o u l d have d o n e it herself, b u t a g r e e d , since h e was t h e r e ,
to d o it for her. H e fitted t h e h o s e e n d s a n d t h e P o l l e n e x with
G a r d e n a q u i c k - c l a m p a d a p t e r s so t h a t they c o u l d b e quickly
reconfigured for i n t e r i o r s h o w e r i n g o r e x t e r i o r g a r d e n i n g a p
plications. T h e s h o w e r - p i p e l o o k e d exotic w h e n h e was d o n e ,
k n o b b e d with h e x n u t s a n d a d a p t e r s , b u t t h e system w h e n
tested worked q u i t e well. A n d t h e p l u m b e r , as h e c l e a n e d u p ,
was cheerful, p l e a s e d by n o w t h a t h e h a d b u i l t s o m e t h i n g h e
h a d never built before, a n d t h a t h e w o u l d b e a b l e to tell his
p a r t n e r a b o u t t h e n u t t y j o b this lady h a d g o t t e n h i m to d o . H e
even showed h e r h o w to u s e Teflon t a p e a n d was expansive
a b o u t its merits over o l d e r kinds of sealant. H e c a r r i e d his
heavy r e d t o o l b o x o u t to his t r u c k a n d drove away.
Over t h e n e x t few days M a r i a n t o o k h e r e a r l y - m o r n i n g
shower a n d t h e n o p e n e d t h e window, h o o k e d u p t h e showerhose a r r a n g e m e n t , a n d t u r n e d o n t h e taps to w a t e r h e r tulips.
She u s e d only t h e fine pulse-mist settings, t r e a t i n g h e r p l a n t s
as she w o u l d w a n t to b e t r e a t e d herself. T h e tulips r e s p o n d e d
with e n t h u s i a s m a f t e r a week h e r b e d s were p o p p i n g with
color. They knew t h e difference b e t w e e n w a t e r from a shower,
m e a n t for h u m a n use, a n d water from a c r u d e leaky o u t d o o r
faucet. She sat o n a n a l u m i n u m c h a i r with t h e s u n o n h e r legs,
r e a d i n g The Machine in the Garden. Every so often she g l a n c e d
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u p at h e r tulips. S h e felt h a p p y . S h e h a d p l a n n e d this to

h a p p e n a n d it h a d h a p p e n e d : she h a d delayed gratification
a n d n o w she was g e t t i n g t h e payoff. Y o u n g Kevin s h o u l d see
w h a t they h a d d o n e t o g e t h e r , she t h o u g h t , b u t w h e n she
called, Kevin's s o u r m o t h e r told h e r t h a t h e was at practice.
J u s t as well, j u s t as well, she t h o u g h t . S h e b e g a n to give s o m e
c o n s i d e r a t i o n to h e r drawerful of dildae. B u t she d i d n ' t n e e d
any of that; n o , s h e ' d m o v e d b e y o n d that.
J u s t t h e n Kevin's little gray cat with white paws showed u p
o n h e r lawn, m a k i n g u n t o w a r d noises a n d a c t i n g oddly. Q u i t e
recently it, she, h a d b e e n a kitten. N o w she was clearly in heat,
p r o b a b l y for t h e first t i m e a n d very irresponsible it was of
Kevin o r Kevin's m o t h e r n o t to have h a d h e r fixed! She
crawled a l o n g with h e r forepaws very low o n t h e g r o u n d ,
m a k i n g low d e s p e r a t e mezzo-mewings, h e r tail j e r k i n g back,
h e r little n a r r o w feline h i p s flaunting a n d twitching in t h e air,
h e r r e a r paws w o r k i n g with quick t i p t o e steps. M a r i a n c o u l d
see h e r gray-furred o p e n i n g ; wetness g l e a m e d from within.
S h e w e n t over a n d pressed h e r finger lightly against t h e cat's
tiny slit; gratefully, t h e cat r e t u r n e d t h e p r e s s u r e a n d tiptoed
a r d e n t l y in place. T h i s was a cat in t h e grip of a new idea.
W i p i n g h e r finger o n t h e grass, M a r i a n f o u n d t h a t she h a d
g o t t e n h o t l o o k i n g at this c r e a t u r e ' s
fluttery
haunchings.
T h e r e was a purity a n d seriousness to t h e cat's simple wish to

b e fucked i m m e d i a t e l y t h a t M a r i a n f o u n d refreshing. T h e cat
d i d n ' t w a n t loveit w a n t e d cat-cock.
M a r i a n was n o t a c o m m i t t e d z o o p h i l e , t h o u g h a t least she
d i d n ' t t h i n k of herself as o n e . T r u e , she a n d h e r best friend in
sixth g r a d e h a d m a d e h e r friend's black L a b r a d o r s h o o t two
q u i c k clear squirts of c o m e o n c e by gently s q u e e z i n g his d e n s e
b u r i e d b u l b as h e lay o n his back with his legs o p e n a n d his
eyes half closed, b u t o n e swallow d o e s n ' t m a k e a s u m m e r .
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M a r i a n was a fan of h u m a n cock, for b e t t e r o r worse. (Dogdick did still have a c e r t a i n a p p e a l to h e r , in p a r t b e c a u s e

w h e n it e m e r g e d it h a d a clitoral, a l m o s t h e r m a p h r o d i t i c
quality: s o m e t h i n g bisexual in h e r was t r i g g e r e d by t h e sight
of it.) Mentally she a g a i n reviewed h e r d i l d o s h o w c o u l d she
have ( o n e o r two late n i g h t s e x c e p t e d ) s n u b b e d t h e m all
winter? T h e idea of r u n n i n g herself a b a t h , a n d t h e n strad
dling t h e cold e d g e of t h e t u b so t h a t all h e r w e i g h t was o n t h e
soft place b e t w e e n h e r v a d g e a n d h e r ass, b e g a n to s e e m
attractive. She c o u l d take o n e of t h e middle-sized dildi a n d
swish it a r o u n d in t h e b a t h w a t e r a n d shake it off, so t h a t it
waggled obscenely, a n d stick it d o w n o n t h e e d g e of t h e t u b
a n d squirt Astroglide all over it. S h e c o u l d a r r a n g e herself
over it, s u p p o r t i n g herself with h e r h a n d s o n t h e e d g e of t h e
t u b , l o o k i n g d o w n p a s t h e r h a n g i n g breasts at t h e slick d i l d o
as it slowly d i s a p p e a r e d i n t o h e r sex-hair a n d f o u n d its thick
way u p inside her. S h e w e n t inside to d o j u s t this, b u t by t h e
time she h a d actually d r a w n t h e b a t h a n d g o t t e n i n t o it, she
was m u c h too a r o u s e d to d o t a m e t h i n g s in h e r b a t h r o o m . S h e
got o u t a n d d r i e d off a n d s l i p p e d o n a dress. S h e h a d a new
plan. She w a n t e d to have a full-fledged Betty D o d s o n i a n P C muscled clasm o u t s i d e in h o n o r of h e r t u l i p g a r d e n .
She went o u t in h e r b a r e feet, s c o u t i n g a location. Kevin's
cat h a d d i s a p p e a r e d . After s o m e p a c i n g a n d gazing, she
picked a place b e t w e e n two of t h e t u l i p b e d s , n e a r w h e r e she
h a d seen Kevin's ears get r e d w h e n they h a d talked a b o u t t h e
"Solitude stands in t h e d o o r w a y " s o n g . T h e p r o b l e m was,
what c o u l d she use as a stable b a s e to affix h e r dildos to? T h e
grass blades w o u l d b e a ticklish irritant. Back inside, she tried
a r e c t a n g u l a r black l a c q u e r tray in t h e kitchen, b u t it h a d a
raised e d g e that, w h e n she p u t it o n a c h a i r a n d e x p e r i m e n
tally sat d o w n o n it, h u r t h e r b u t t . S h e c o n s i d e r e d a T h a n k s 201
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giving serving p l a t t e r b u t d i d n ' t like t h e idea of its breaking;

she p o n d e r e d a small plastic p l a t e left over from a p r e m i u m
frozen d i n n e r , b u t it w a s n ' t heavy e n o u g h . Finally she went
i n t o h e r d i n i n g r o o m a n d t o o k t h e tea service off of h e r
g r a n d m o t h e r ' s brass tray. T h e tea service itself was undistin
g u i s h e d , b u t t h e tray was a V i e n n e s e beauty, c h a s e d with
circles of b o u q u e t s a n d thick-scaled fish a n d p i n e - c o n e s a n d
mythical p a n t h e r y c r e a t u r e s in h i g h relief. I n t h e m i d d l e was
a very stylized s u n i t l o o k e d like a fried e g g a n d this proved
to b e t h e perfect surface o n which to fix a dildo's suction c u p .
T h e f a m e d m a l e d a n c e r at t h e G o l d e n B a n a n a , A r m a n d e
K l o c k h a m m e r , Jr., h a d only o n c e in his d i s t i n g u i s h e d c a r e e r
c o n s e n t e d to have a lost-wax m o l d m a d e of t h e trilogy-in-flesh
t h a t h a d o p e n e d so m a n y d o o r s for h i m . A l o n g t h e u n d e r s i d e
of t h e slightly u p c u r v e d a n d alarmingly lifelike h i g h - g r a d e
silicone cock-stalk, A r m a n d e ' s own s i g n a t u r e , taken directly
from t h e licensing c o n t r a c t , r a n , in s u c h a way t h a t t h e two
bas-relief w's of his s u r n a m e a p p e a r e d r i g h t over what would
have b e e n , h a d this b e e n his actual dick, its m o s t sensitive
p a r t . M a r i a n a r r a n g e d h e r virgin A r m a n d e K l o c k h a m m e r Sig
n a t u r e M o d e l , a l o n g with m a n y of its veteran colleagues, o n
a l i n e n n a p k i n u n f o l d e d o n h e r brass tray a n d b o r e t h e m o u t
i n t o t h e g a r d e n . S h e p u t t h e tray d o w n in t h e thick grass in t h e
c h o s e n spot, leaving r o o m o n e i t h e r side for h e r to p l a n t h e r
feet. T h e r e was a slight h a z e in t h e sky, so t h a t it was sunny,
b u t n o t u n c o m f o r t a b l y so. W h e n she m o v e d t h e n a p k i n aside,
t h e light g l i n t e d o n t h e tray's a n c i e n t p a t t e r n , a n d , o n c e she
h a d s q u i r t e d c o p i o u s Astroglide over its h e a d , o n t h e surface
of h e r c h o s e n d i l d o as wellwhich looked o p u l e n t l y nasty
p o k i n g u p from t h a t h e i r l o o m .
T h e n , p l a y i n g h a r d - t o - g e t n o w t h a t she knew she h a d Ar
m a n d e w h e r e she w a n t e d h i m , she w e n t for a b l i t h e little walk.
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She was w e a r i n g a j u m p e r p r i n t e d with b i g loose flowers a n d

n o t h i n g u n d e r n e a t h . S h e w e n t to h e r m a i l b o x , c h e c k e d t h a t
the mail h a d b e e n delivered, b u t left it in t h e r e . S h e n o d d e d
to a bicyclist g o i n g b y h e was w e a r i n g a k i n d of skin-tight
black cycling shorts t h a t she n o r m a l l y d i d n ' t like, b u t n o w she
d i d n ' t m i n d seeing his t h i g h definition. S h e s t o o d at t h e e n d
of h e r driveway for several m i n u t e s with h e r a r m s crossed,
b r e a t h i n g d e e p b r e a t h s of s p r i n g air a n d feeling peaceful a n d
c o n t e n t , o r playing at l o o k i n g like t h e w o m a n o u t in t h e
g a r d e n b r e a t h i n g deeply a n d feeling c o n t e n t , while actually
p a r t of h e r was t h i n k i n g over w h a t dildic wickedness was wait
i n g for h e r in h e r b a c k yard. O n h e r way back, she b e n t a n d
felt a leaf of o n e of t h e p e o n i e s in t h e t r a c t o r tire in h e r front
yard, very casually, giving t h e r o a d t h e c h a n c e to a p p r e c i a t e
h e r s h a p e u n d e r h e r dress, a n d m u r m u r e d to herself, " H r a m ,
I think it may b e t i m e to d o s o m e w a t e r i n g . " S h e w e n t in a n d
got t h e water t e m p e r a t u r e j u s t right in h e r shower, a n d t h e n
drew t h e h o s e i n t o t h e b a t h r o o m w i n d o w a n d h o o k e d it to t h e
shower spigot. O u t s i d e , she t u r n e d t h e s t o p c o c k o n
(the
p l u m b e r h a d fixed it so t h a t she c o u l d t u r n t h e flow of w a t e r

o n a n d off at t h e e n d of t h e hose) a n d t o u r e d h e r side yard,
s e n d i n g a frolicsome misty spray from h e r m o b i l e watersource over t h e grass a n d over t h e m o c k - o r a n g e leaves. S h e
h u m m e d "Private D a n c e r . " S h e h e a r d a t r u c k drive p a s t o n
the r o a d .
W h e n she r o u n d e d t h e b a c k of t h e h o u s e , she s u r p r i s e d a
d e e r w h o h a d w a n d e r e d by, d r a w n by t h e tasty-looking t u l i p
blossoms. It a p p e a r e d to b e licking t h e p i n k h e a d of t h e
A r m a n d e K l o c k h a m m e r with its equally p i n k t o n g u e . " N o w ,
now, e n o u g h of t h a t ! " M a r i a n called, a n d t h e d e e r s p r a n g
away. S h e g l a n c e d a r o u n d to verify t h a t she was i n d e e d in
private, a n d p u t h e r foot u p o n h e r lawn c h a i r a n d h i k e d u p
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h e r j u m p e r , h o l d i n g it in a o n e - h a n d e d b u n c h j u s t below h e r
breasts, a n d d i r e c t e d t h e c r o w n of water-jets o n h e r clit-site.
T h e w a t e r was j u s t right. " O h , n i c e , " she said, w a t c h i n g t h e
flow d i s a p p e a r i n t o t h e grass. T h e idea t h a t she c o u l d carry
h e r daily shower a r o u n d with her, outside, pleased h e r quite
a lot. S h e d r o p p e d h e r dress a n d b e g a n w a t e r i n g again, work
i n g u p t h e n o d d i n g t u l i p b e d s . H e r m a r a s c h i n o tingled. She
p r e t e n d e d to n o t i c e for t h e first t i m e s o m e t h i n g alien a n d
fleshy sticking u p , pinkly o u t of p l a c e in t h e g e n e r a l verdancy
b e y o n d t h e n e a r b e d of tulips. " W h a t ' s this n o w ? " S h e p o i n t e d
t h e shower-water at it ( m a k i n g s u r e to rinse away any d e e r
saliva). " W h a t ' s this sex o r g a n d o i n g sticking straight u p in
m y g a r d e n ? D o e s it n e e d s o m e t h i n g to fuck?" She p u l l e d u p
h e r dress. "Is this w h a t A r m a n d e w a n t s ? " A g a i n she p o i n t e d
t h e s h o w e r h e a d u p b e t w e e n h e r legs, n o w t u r n i n g it to PULSE.
Big d i c k - s h a p e d bullets of w a t e r t h u m p e d against t h e skin
s u r r o u n d i n g h e r clit-pearl, against h e r vadge, a n d , as she
r o c k e d h e r h i p s , tickled against t h e p o o r - r e l a t i o n sensitivities
of h e r asshole. " O h m a n , " she said, loving it. "Listen you, if
y o u liked t h a t B a m b i - t o n g u e , y o u ' r e g o i n g to love my h o t little
b o x . " T h e d i l d o was u n r e s p o n s i v e . S h e walked closer, con
f r o n t i n g it. " O h ? So y o u ' r e n o t sure? Y o u ' r e n o t even sure you
w a n t to b e in m y h o t little ass? Y o u ' r e shy? Well, I ' m sorry, you
have n o c h o i c e n o w y o u ' r e g o i n g to have to fuck m e in t h e
ass." S h e t o o k t h e b o t t l e of Astroglide from h e r j u m p e r p o c k e t a n d slid it b e t w e e n h e r cheeks a n d squirted herself
with it u n t i l it trickled d o w n h e r leg. T h e n she p u t h e r feet o n
e i t h e r side of t h e brass tray a n d slowly s q u a t t e d d o w n until she
felt t h e K l o c k h a m m e r b r u s h i n g against h e r b u t t - m u s c l e . She
d i r e c t e d t h e s h o w e r h e a d b a c k o n h e r clit. S h e d i d n ' t care if
h e r dress got s o a k e d o r n o t . H e r t h i g h s b e g a n to t r e m b l e with
t h e effort of s u p p o r t i n g herself over t h e dildismic pressure
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without sliding d o w n o n it. Finally she c o u l d n ' t h e l p herself,

a n d she o p e n e d h e r asshole to its b i g h e a d a n d sat all t h e way
down o n it, u n t i l h e r cheeks t o u c h e d t h e cold o r n a t e m e t a l of
the tray. She r o c k e d o n t h e feeling of a hefty dickful of plea
sure u p h e r ass, adjusting to it. H e r d r e n c h e d dress h u n g over
h e r thighs. S h e was fucking A r m a n d e K l o c k h a m m e r ' s a u t o
graph! G o d , it felt g o o d .
" H e l l o ? " c a m e a voice. M a r i a n l o o k e d u p t o see y o u n g
Kevin a n d a girl s t a n d i n g h a n d in h a n d a little way off. S h e
s u p p o s e d t h e girl was Sylvie, Kevin's n e w girlfriend. Kevin was
looking recently showered, s p r u c e d u p a n d p r o u d of himself,
t h o u g h m o m e n t a r i l y puzzled. M a r i a n saw his eyes skip d o w n
over h e r e x p o s e d , wet legs. T h e two of t h e m w e r e w e a r i n g
m a t c h i n g r e d - a n d - w h i t e - s t r i p e d p o l o shirts. M a r i a n m a d e a
quick a t t e m p t to p u l l h e r dress d o w n a n d over s o m e of t h e sex
toys n e x t to her. S h e b e g a n w a t e r i n g t h e tulips with little flips
of t h e s h o w e r h e a d , as if she were c o n d u c t i n g a S o u s a m a r c h .
" H i , " she said. " P a r d o n m e , I was j u s t d o i n g a little water
ing. C o m e over. L e t m e t u r n this off. I h a d a p l u m b e r rig it
u p for m e . Are you Sylvie?"
"Yes, h i , " said Sylvie. Sylvie l e a n e d a n d s h o o k M a r i a n ' s
h a n d . She was a petite, perky, s m a l l - b r e a s t e d girl with l o n g
light-brown h a i r a n d a p l e a s a n t sly s h a r p - n o s e d face. M a r i a n
liked h e r immediately.
Kevin said, "My m o m told m e you called, so we t h o u g h t
we'd c o m e over a n d say h e l l o . "
" I j u s t w a n t e d you to see all these t u l i p s , " said M a r i a n .
"They t u r n e d o u t well, I think. T h a n k you for h e l p i n g m e with
them."
Kevin n o d d e d . " I like t h e crinkly o n e s . " H e t u r n e d to Sylvie.
"Last fall I h e l p e d h e r p l a n t all t h e s e . "
" T h e y ' r e really really p r e t t y , " Sylvie a g r e e d . T h e r e was a n
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awkward silence. F r o m a d i s t a n t p a r t of t h e yard t h e r e c a m e

a n o d d hissing s o u n d . Kevin's gray cat a p p e a r e d from b e h i n d
o n e of t h e m o c k o r a n g e s . A h u g e g o l d e n c h e w n - e a r e d stray
was o n t o p of h e r . Kevin's cat c r e p t forward a few inches a n d
t h e n s t o p p e d , a n d t h e gold cat, h o l d i n g Kevin's cat d o w n a n d
b i t i n g h e r n e c k q u i t e h a r d , m a d e tiny j e r k s of its h i n d q u a r t e r s ,
h o l d i n g its tail low a n d fluffed. T h e two animals, w h o d i d n ' t
s e e m to like e a c h o t h e r m u c h , stared at n o t h i n g at all while
they fucked.
" O h j e e p e r s , " said Kevin.
" Y o u really s h o u l d have t a k e n h e r to t h e vet, Kevin," said
M a r i a n , t h o u g h she said it gently.
" I was p l a n n i n g t o . "
" I c a n take a kitten if t h e r e are s o m e , " said Sylvie brightly,
t h i n k i n g a h e a d . " M a y b e even t w o . "
M a r i a n smiled at h e r . " T h a t ' s solved, t h e n . Well!" It was
t i m e for t h e m to b e off. " I ' m really glad you two d r o p p e d by.
It's very n i c e to m e e t you, Sylvie."
" N i c e to m e e t you. B u t c a n I ask you s o m e t h i n g ? " said
Sylvie. " W h a t a r e all t h o s e ? " S h e p o i n t e d to t h e sex toys laid
o u t o n t h e white l i n e n n a p k i n . M a r i a n ' s dress d i d n ' t really
h i d e t h e m effectively.
" I d o n ' t k n o w t h a t we s h o u l d get i n t o t h a t , " said Marian.
"Okay, sorry," said Sylvie. " I k i n d of know w h a t they are
anywayI m e a n , it's obvious, b u t I j u s t w a n t to know what
y o u ' r e d o i n g with t h e m o u t h e r e . A r e you p l a n n i n g o n bury
ing them or planting them or something?"
Kevin's ears were c h a n g i n g color. H e was readjusting his
n o t i o n of his e m p l o y e r . Sylvie j u s t looked friendly a n d sly a n d
curious.
M a r i a n said, " N o , I ' m n o t b u r y i n g t h e m . I j u s t t h o u g h t it
w o u l d b e e x c i t i n g to try o u t a few of t h e m o u t d o o r s , a n d I
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wasn't sure which o n e s I w o u l d want. I t s e e m e d like s u c h a

nice setting, my own b a c k yard, with t h e n e w p a r r o t t u l i p s . "
" C a n I look at o n e ? " said Sylvie.
M a r i a n passed h e r t h e m o s t d e c o r o u s d i l d o a m e d i u m sized clear Lucite thick-veined figurine t h a t t h e c a t a l o g called
the Ice Princess. Sylvie h a n d l e d it carefully, u s i n g h e r
finger
tips, not, it s e e m e d , o u t of r e p u g n a n c e , b u t o u t of p o l i t e n e s s
for a n o t h e r ' s treasures.
"Sylvie," said Kevin in a n u n d e r t o n e . " I t h i n k she p r o b a b l y
wants us to g o . "
"She's welcome to take a look if she w a n t s , " said M a r i a n
casually. T h e K l o c k h a m m e r d e e p in h e r a n e was n o w b e g i n
n i n g to reassert itself; it was silencing any objections she m i g h t
otherwise have h a d to s h o w i n g two t e e n a g e r s w e a r i n g m a t c h
i n g striped shirts h e r fuckable toys.
" C a n I see t h a t really l o n g o n e , with t h e two e n d s ? " said
Sylvie.
" A h yesthis is my Royal Welsh Fusilier. H e r e . "
"Wowsers!" Sylvie h e l d t h e two dick-ends t o g e t h e r , j e r k i n g
o n t h e m so t h a t t h e m o v a b l e foreskins wrinkled a n d s t r e t c h e d
in t a n d e m . She offered o n e e n d to Kevin, w h o i n s p e c t e d it
with fascination in spite of himself.
"I d o n ' t exactly get why you w o u l d n e e d s o m e t h i n g this
l o n g with two e n d s , " h e said.
M a r i a n hesitated. "Any n u m b e r of r e a s o n s . "
" O n e of which is," said Sylvie to Kevin, "if y o u m i s b e h a v e
with K a r e n in any way ever a g a i n , I'll p u t o n e e n d right u p
your fanny a n d m a k e you j u m p in y o u r n e x t m e e t with it i n . "
" K a r e n is over," said Kevin. Deferentially h e
thanked
Marian, h a n d i n g his e n d directly b a c k to her. " W h e r e did y o u

p u r c h a s e all these t h i n g s ? " h e asked, with a n air of serious
inquiry.
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" O h , from a p l a c e in S a n F r a n c i s c o , " said M a r i a n . She was

u s i n g every o u n c e of willpower she h a d to keep from an
n o u n c i n g to t h e two of t h e m t h a t she h a d a massive d i l d u n g s r o m a n installed in h e r b u t t .
" M a y b e s o m e t i m e you c o u l d give us t h e a d d r e s s , " said
Kevin, still very serious, very g r o w n u p . " W e m i g h t want to
o r d e r s o m e t h i n g o r o t h e r . Right, Syl?"
" Y o u never k n o w , " said Sylvie.
M a r i a n l o o k e d at t h e m b o t h a n d l a u g h e d happily. " G o d it's
nice to see y o u n g love," she said. " A r e you two lovers, t h e n ? "
T h e y b o t h n o d d e d . "We've m a d e love thirty-two times in
two m o n t h s , " said Sylvie p r o u d l y . " I n fact," she c o n t i n u e d ,
p u t t i n g a f o n d a r m a r o u n d Kevin's waist, "we were j u s t g o i n g
o u t for a little 'drive,' b e c a u s e Kevin's m o t h e r d o e s n ' t like us
g o i n g u p to his r o o m a n y m o r e w h i c h I c a n u n d e r s t a n d . "
" A h , a little 'drive,' " said M a r i a n . S h e l o o k e d at Kevin with
a m u s e d s u r p r i s e t h e e m p l o y e r surprised at t h e precocity of
the employee.
" Y e a h , " Kevin a g r e e d , g e s t u r i n g vaguely in t h e direction of
t h e r o a d . "We'll p r o b a b l y go o n over to t h e fish h a t c h e r y . "
"Well, terrific," M a r i a n said. " H a v e a glorious glorious
t i m e , y o u two. I wish I c o u l d . . . I m e a n , I wish you well." She
shifted a little o n t h e brass tray a n d felt t h e thick steadfast
d i l d e r s t a t e s m a n issuing official pleasure-briefings d o w n h e r
legs a n d u p to t h e w a r m u n f o r g o t t e n Fijis of h e r nipples. It
was so fucking hardso
h a r d to k e e p from saying t h e things
she w a n t e d to say with it d e e p in t h e r e : she w a n t e d to yank u p

h e r wet dress for t h e m a n d say, " G o o n a n d fuck e a c h o t h e r
silly! T a k e a g o o d look at this m o n s t e r cock j a m m e d u p my
b u t t ! I w a n t you to look right at my asshole c r a m m e d with this
b i g fat dick a n d t h e n go o u t a n d fuck a n d suck e a c h o t h e r a n d
slam y o u r b o d i e s t o g e t h e r ! " H e r skin prickled with t h e almost
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irresistible wish to b e o b s c e n e . B u t all s h e said was, " I m u s t

say, I envy y o u b o t h a little. I ' m j u s t sorry I c a n ' t get u p a n d
see you off . . ."
Sylvie was i m m e d i a t e l y full of c o n c e r n . S h e t o u c h e d M a r i a n
lightly o n t h e a r m . "Are you okay? C a n we h e l p you u p ? You
know y o u r dress has g o t t e n a little wet."
"I know, I k n o w , " said M a r i a n , "I've b e e n w a t e r i n g every
where."
"Everywhere?" said Sylvie. " I s n ' t it k i n d of c o l d ? "
" T h e water's w a r m . It's from m y shower. F e e l . " M a r i a n
t u r n e d t h e stopcock o n a n d whisked t h e s h o w e r h e a d spray
o n c e over Sylvie's o u t s t r e t c h e d h a n d .
"Feels really n i c e , " said Sylvie thoughtfully.
" T h e tulips love it," said M a r i a n . " I n fact, will you two d o
m e a favor a n d pick s o m e for e a c h o t h e r before y o u go? As my
p r e s e n t to you? Pick t h e o n e s you like most. T h e E t r u s c a n
P r u n e variety is my favorite at t h e m o m e n t , b u t c h o o s e which
ever o n e s you w a n t . "
Sylvie a n d Kevin liked this i d e a a lot a n d set to work assem
bling reciprocal b o u q u e t s . N o w t h a t t h e i r eyes were off
Marian, she was free to m o v e o n t h e tray a g a i n a n d m a k e
pleasure noises in a whispery u n d e r t o n e . S h e w a t c h e d t h e m
circle h e r b e d s . S h e i m a g i n e d t h e m all b r e a t h l e s s a n d loving
a n d wide-eyed in a shady s p o t n e a r t h e fish hatchery. T h e y
were beautifulfit,
healthy,
incredibly y o u n g s o
inex
p e r i e n c e d t h a t they t h o u g h t t h a t t h e i r two-digit c o u r t s h i p , o r
coitship, m a d e t h e m s e a s o n e d fuckers. S h e knew so m u c h
m o r e t h a n they did. S h e lifted t h e s o d d e n h e m of h e r dress
j u s t a little a n d p o i n t e d t h e s h o w e r h e a d b e t w e e n h e r legs a n d
let it flood h e r twat-cleavage. " T h a t ' s n o t nearly e n o u g h ,
Kevinpluck m o r e ! " she called gaily, w a n t i n g to risk his h e a r
ing t h e irrepressible vulval surges a n d catches in h e r voice.
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W h e n they s t o o d in front of h e r again, h o l d i n g t h e i r tulip

b u n c h e s o u t to h e r for h e r a d m i r a t i o n , she p r o n o u n c e d b o t h
a r r a n g e m e n t s equally lovely a n d told t h e m to give t h e m to
e a c h o t h e r . T h i s they d i d with g r e a t c e r e m o n y .
" T h a n k you!" said Kevin to Sylvie.
" T h a n k y o u ! " said Sylvie to Kevin.
T h e y kissed. It a p p e a r e d t h a t t h e i r m o u t h s were a g o o d
m a t c h . M a r i a n , w h o n o r m a l l y felt s q u i n n y a n d p u t off w h e n
she was a witness to heavy p u b l i c p a i r - b o n d i n g , w a t c h e d this
p a r t i c u l a r kiss with n o t h i n g b u t g o o d feeling. She was t h e
p u b l i c , after all. T h e r e was s o m e t o n g u e - a c t i o n , b u t it h a d t h e
license of y o u t h a n d l o o k e d like it felt b e t t e r t h a n it looked.
T h e y h u g g e d e a c h o t h e r h a r d ; Sylvie's h e e l went b e h i n d
Kevin's a n d she u s e d t h e leverage to press h e r blue-jeaned
m o u n d into him.
W h e n they s t o p p e d , M a r i a n said, " W h a t a g r e a t kiss! You
two a r e obviously great kissers. Y o u m u s t b e beautiful w h e n
y o u . . . m a k e love. Y o u r b o d i e s fit t o g e t h e r so well. I wish I
c o u l d " S h e s h o o k h e r h e a d ruefully, h e r h a n d o n h e r heart,
a n d let t h e m l a u g h at t h e impossibility of w h a t she was think
ing, so t h a t they c o u l d start to get u s e d to t h e idea. T h e n she
s l a p p e d h e r h a n d s o n h e r legs a n d said, " I tell you what. If you
w o u l d like to b o r r o w any of these toys, feel free. Really. I d o n ' t
m a k e any g r e a t claims for t h e m I ' m s u r e you c a n d o w i t h o u t
t h e m , b u t w h o knows, j u s t for fun . . . "
T h e y l o o k e d indecisive.
M a r i a n e x e r t e d t h e slightest a d d i t i o n a l pressure. "Pick
o n e o r a few, e v e n . " S h e felt a trickle of sweat o n h e r back.
" W h a t d o you think, Kevin?" said Sylvie.
Kevin s h r u g g e d . " S u r e , I guess, y e a h . "
Sylvie a n d Kevin knelt, n o t m i n d i n g a p p a r e n t l y t h a t their
k n e e s g o t instantly s o a k e d in t h e wet grass. Sylvie's face,
2 1 0
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t h o u g h averted, was very close to M a r i a n ' s . " W h i c h o n e w o u l d

you r e c o m m e n d ? " t h e girl finally asked, h a v i n g t o u c h e d t h e m
all lightly.
" M m m , w e l l " T h i s was j u s t t o o m u c h for M a r i a n . S h e felt
h e r resistance give way completely. "My c u r r e n t favorite is o n e
I j u s t g o t , " she said. "It's called t h e A r m a n d e K l o c k h a m m e r .
As you may know, A r m a n d e K l o c k h a m m e r , Jr., is, o r was, a
m a l e s t r i p p e r at t h e G o l d e n B a n a n a . It's k i n d of big, actually.
Almost t o o big, d e p e n d i n g o n w h e r e y o u n e e d it to g o . "
" W h i c h o n e is it?" Sylvie asked.
M a r i a n cleared h e r t h r o a t . " I ' m afraid I c a n ' t show it t o y o u
right
now."
"Why n o t ? " Sylvie l o o k e d at h e r with i n n o c e n t curiosity.

"I j u s t c a n ' t . "
" B u t why?" Sylvie insisted. " W h e r e is it?"
"It's in u s e , " said M a r i a n . S h e l o o k e d at h e r two y o u n g
friends a n d t h e n d o w n at h e r wet dress.
Kevin looked surprised. H e h a d finally p i e c e d it t o g e t h e r .
"You m e a n t h a t all t h e t i m e we've b e e n h e r e it's b e e n . . . "
M a r i a n took a d e e p b r e a t h . " U p m y ass, yes."
" U p y o u r . . . It's n o t in y o u r . . . it's in y o u r . . . ?" Sylvie,
p o i n t i n g to p a r t s of herself to clarify h e r e x c l a m a t i o n , l o o k e d
genuinely surprised.
"It feels super, I m u s t tell y o u , " said M a r i a n . " B u t t h a t ' s n o t
the crazy t h i n g . T h e crazy t h i n g is h o w badly I w a n t to show
it to you. While it's in t h e r e , I m e a n . I ' m d o i n g everything I
c a n to k e e p from h a u l i n g this dress u p right n o w a n d l e a n i n g
back a n d showing you h o w g o o d it feels stuffed u p m y t i g h t
butt. O h m a n ! J u s t t h i n k i n g a b o u t it gets m e g o i n g . A r e you
repulsed?"
They c o n t i n u e d to look a little surprised, b u t n o t r e p u l s e d .
M a r i a n went o n . " I ' m afraid you c a u g h t m e at a p a r t i c u l a r
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NICHOLSON
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m o m e n t . Kevin, y o u c a n attest to t h e fact t h a t I d o n ' t normally

talk this way."
" S h e d o e s n ' t at all, n o , " Kevin a g r e e d .
" I t ' s d i l d o talk, frankly," M a r i a n w e n t o n . "It's t h e way I talk
w h e n I ' m sitting o n a b i g fat artificial dick. W h a t c a n I say? My
b u t t is s t r e t c h e d so d a m n t i g h t r i g h t n o w I wish you c o u l d
see, I really d o . I wish I c o u l d show you, a n d I wish w h e n you
saw it in m y ass y o u ' d take off all y o u r clothes a n d m a k e love
for m e r i g h t h e r e . Is t h a t so u n t h i n k a b l e ? I d o n ' t t h i n k it's so
u n t h i n k a b l e . Kevin, I was so g o o d last s u m m e r . D o you realize
that? I t h o u g h t a b o u t y o u r cock q u i t e a n u m b e r of times, I
t h o u g h t a b o u t s u c k i n g it a n d j e r k i n g it offI even t h o u g h t of
p u t t i n g a s p r i g of parsley in y o u r tiny little cockhole, a n d yet
I n e v e r o n c e d i d anythingl A n d n o w you've f o u n d Sylvie, this
w o n d e r f u l friendly o p e n p e r s o n , w h o p r o b a b l y sucks y o u r
cock beautifully, a n d it m a k e s m e feel so g o o d t h a t you've
f o u n d h e r i t m a k e s m e w a n t to see her suck o n y o u r cock.
G o d , I wish I c o u l d show you w h a t I have u p my ass right now.
It feels so fucking h o t . " S h e p a u s e d . "See, t h a t ' s a s a m p l e of
d i l d o talk."
Sylvie was t h e first to speak. "You c a n show it to u s , " she
said. " W e w o n ' t m i n d . "
"Really?" said M a r i a n . "Well, you take off all y o u r clothes,
t h e n , b o t h of you. I ' m n o t g o i n g to show you a n y t h i n g until
all y o u r clothes a r e off. T a k e t h e m off."
O b e d i e n t l y Sylvie a n d Kevin t o o k off t h e i r p a n t s a n d u n d e r
p a n t s a n d p u l l e d off t h e i r m a t c h i n g striped shirts. W h e n t h e
d a n g l i n g a n d t u g g i n g a n d h o p p i n g h a d ceased a n d they stood
n a k e d in front of h e r , M a r i a n c o u l d n ' t h e l p whistling in
a m a z e m e n t . T h e i r b o d i e s were so simple a n d perfect. Sylvie's
flattish s l a n t i n g breasts, with s h a r p confident little suck-tips,
were especially g o o d for t h e soul. Kevin's white straight penis
2 1 2
THE
FERMATA
l o b b e d a n d loitered below his tight b r o w n balls; h e h a d a

D e n n i s - t h e - M e n a c e t o u c h of h a i r a r o u n d e a c h of his n i p p l e s .
M a r i a n h a d to t u r n t h e P o l l e n e x o n a n d p o i n t it u p h e r dress
in o r d e r to recover h e r s e d u c e r ' s c o n c e n t r a t i o n .
" N o w show u s , " said Sylvie challengingly, c o n s c i o u s t h a t
h e r revealed b e a u t y gave h e r power. S h e r a n h e r fingers over
h e r s t o m a c h a n d b r u s h e d t h e side of h e r h a n d casually against
Kevin's cock. " S h o w us what's u p y o u r . . . "
"Ah, y o u ' r e such a beautiful c o u p l e , " said M a r i a n . " Y o u ' r e
m a d e to fuck e a c h o t h e r . I'll show you w h e n it's t h e r i g h t time.
Right now, I n e e d you to show m e h o w p r e t t y you a r e t o g e t h e r .
Show m e h o w you like to suck cock, Sylvie honey. I w a n t to see
your pretty lips o n t h a t h o t c o c k m e a t . Kiss it for m e . "
Sylvie, c o m p e l l e d by t h e conviction in M a r i a n ' s voice, knelt
a n d kissed a p a t h d o w n Kevin's cock u n t i l s h e c a m e to its
head, a n d t h e n she o p e n e d h e r lips a n d let it fill h e r m o u t h .
As h e w a t c h e d h e r a n d m o a n e d , Kevin's m o u t h m i r r o r e d
Sylvie's. H e was s t a n d i n g with his h a n d s crossed lightly at t h e
wrists b e h i n d his back, his h i p s p u s h e d forward, l o o k i n g d o w n
at his girlfriend. As h e firmed u p , Sylvie's j a w was forced o p e n
wider a n d h e r t o n g u e was p u s h e d d o w n , a n d M a r i a n was
pleased to see h e r develop a cocksucker's t e m p o r a r y d o u b l e
chin, which, b e c a u s e in reality t h e girl h a d n o t h i n g a p p r o a c h
i n g a d o u b l e chin, only m a d e h e r face look y o u n g e r a n d m o r e
captivatingly i n n o c e n t .
" T h a t ' s so nice, so pretty, t h a t pretty s u c k i n g , " said M a r i a n ,
letting h e r s h o w e r h e a d d o t h e talking for her. Areas of grass
n e a r h e r legs were g e t t i n g a m a r s h y g l e a m .
Sylvie t u r n e d a n d l o o k e d at her. H e r eyes were d r e a m y with
confused arousal. "Please show m e a n d Kev w h a t you have u p
your fanny," she said again. S h e a d d e d r h e t o r i c a l weight to
h e r request by stroking t h r e e times o n Kevin's cock.
2 1 3
NICHOLSON
BAKER
M a r i a n p u l l e d h e r dress u p so t h a t it was very h i g h o n h e r

t h i g h s , b u t n o t so h i g h t h a t a n y t h i n g was revealed. She lifted
h e r weight o n t o h e r h a n d s for a m o m e n t a n d t h e n swiveled
h e r h i p s . " I t ' s all slicked u p with l u b r i c a n t . It feels so snazzy
in t h e r e . I w a n t it in t h e r e always. I w a n t to show it to you as
it fucks my b u t t , b u t I n e e d s o m e inspiration. I n e e d to see
y o u r c u t e little asshole first, Sylvie. T h a t ' s only fair. S q u a t r i g h t
over my feetI w a n t to see y o u r beautiful b a c k a n d y o u r o p e n
ass a n d y o u r h o t little asshole while you suck y o u r boyfriend's
cock."
" B u t " said Sylvie.
"You k n o w you w a n t to show m e everything a b o u t y o u r
body. Y o u ' r e n o t a s h a m e d of a n y t h i n g , are you? Y o u ' r e p r o u d
of y o u r body. You k n o w you w a n t m e to look right at y o u r ass
while you suck t h a t luscious dick. D o n ' t y o u ? "
"Yes," said Sylvie. " I w a n t you to watch m e sucking o n
Kevin." S h e p l a n t e d h e r feet o n e i t h e r side of M a r i a n ' s ankles
a n d s q u a t t e d , h e r b a c k to t h e o l d e r w o m a n . M a r i a n twisted
t h e s h o w e r h e a d to PULSE a n d a i m e d t h e spray in circles over
Sylvie's ass globes.
" P u l l y o u r cheeks a p a r t I c a n ' t q u i t e see you, a n d I n e e d
t o see y o u , " said M a r i a n . Sylvie got two handfuls of h e r ass a n d
p u l l e d u p , a n d M a r i a n saw t h e d a r k little d o t w h e r e they m e t
a n d j o i n e d . S h e p o i n t e d t h e water's p u l s e straight at it. Sylvie
a r c h e d h e r b a c k to get a m o r e direct hit; h e r b r e a t h s b e g a n to
c o m e h a r d e r a n d m o r e irregularly t h r o u g h h e r nose. H e r h a i r
b o b b e d as h e r m o u t h e m p t i e d a n d filled with cock.
"That's w h a t I like to s e e , " said M a r i a n . "Kevin, I wish you
c o u l d see h o w beautiful Sylvie is w h e n she sucks o n y o u r cock
with h e r sexy ass all o p e n a n d c l e a n . " Kevin looked u p at h e r
as she said this, a n d M a r i a n , as she c o n t i n u e d to m u r m u r
e n c o u r a g e m e n t , gave h i m a brief secret show, l o o k i n g straight
2 14
THE
FERMATA
at h i m as she j o g g e d h e r tits u n d e r h e r dress a n d p i n c h e d h e r

n i p p l e s t h r o u g h t h e fabric. H e r fingers were wet, so they left
d a r k m a r k s w h e r e they h a d b e e n . T h e n , w h e n she knew she
h a d his allegiance, she said, "Kevin, d o you m i n d if I tickle
Sylvie's pretty b u t t with t h e flowers she gave you? Y o u w a n t h e r
to feel g o o d while she sucks y o u r b i g dick, d o n ' t y o u ? "
" G o a h e a d , " said Kevin thickly.
M a r i a n l e a n e d forward a n d b r u s h e d t h e tulip h e a d s across
Sylvie's s h o u l d e r s a n d d o w n h e r back. S h e s l a p p e d
them
lightly back a n d forth o n t h e insides of t h e girl's fine t h i g h s

a n d u p against h e r p o p p e d - o u t clit. " O o o , she likes it," s h e
said. T h e n she t u r n e d t h e tulips in a circle over Sylvie's ass
hole. " D o you like my flowers tickling y o u r pretty b u t t ? I b e t
you d o . "
Sylvie said s o m e t h i n g affirmative a n d sucked s o m e m o r e .
T h e n she s t o p p e d . S h e d i d n ' t let g o of Kevin's shiny cock, b u t
she said, " C o u l d I u s e y o u r b a t h r o o m for a s e c o n d ? I ' m
dying."
" S u r e , " said M a r i a n . " B u t you d o n ' t have to. W h y lose time?
J u s t let it go. I'll spray it away. Piss it r i g h t o u t o n m y feet."
" P e e o n y o u r feet?" Sylvie e x c l a i m e d . " N o way! I c a n ' t d o
that."
" O f c o u r s e you c a n , " M a r i a n said. " W h a t ' s t h e h a r m ? J u s t
keep sucking t h a t tasty dick a n d relax. W h e n I have a b i g
r u b b e r dick u p my asshole I like to see everything. I want to
see it. I want to feel it spray o u t all over my f e e t w a r m u p
these lonely toesies." S h e played t h e s h o w e r h e a d spray insis
tently over Sylvie's clim-folds. " S u c k a n d p u s h , h o n e y , " she
u r g e d . "It'll feel g o o d , believe m e . A r c h y o u r b a c k so I c a n
see."
Sylvie r e s u m e d sucking Kevin's cock.
2 1 5
NICHOLSON
BAKER
" P u s h for m e , " said M a r i a n . " P u s h t h a t piss o u t . " B u t

nothing happened.
" I ' m really sorryI c a n ' t , " said Sylvie. " I ' m a little shy
a b o u t t h a t in front of Kev."
" A h , I see. Kevin? Y o u d o n ' t m i n d , d o you? O f course not.
I n fact, you k n o w what? I ' d love to see a little d r i b b l e of piss
c o m e o u t of t h a t b i g friendly cock. I b e t t h a t w o u l d h e l p Sylvie
r e l a x . " M a r i a n m o v e d o n e of h e r feet o u t w h e r e Kevin c o u l d
see it. " L e t h e r h o l d y o u r cock a n d j e r k o n it a little a n d t h e n
p o i n t it straight at my feet a n d p u s h a n d let go. I b e t you c a n
d o it."
"Really?" said Kevin. H e h e l d his dick for Sylvie to aim it.
" O f c o u r s e ! " said M a r i a n .
" O k a y , " h e said. Sylvie g r i p p e d t h e base of his cock a n d
Kevin's s t o m a c h muscles t i g h t e n e d a n d h e pressed his lips
t o g e t h e r a n d forced o u t a curve of h o t piss t h a t m o m e n t a r i l y
r e a c h e d M a r i a n ' s foot.
" T h a t ' s t h e way!" said M a r i a n . " H o w did it feel?"
"Felt g o o d , " said Kevin. " K i n d of b u r n y . " H e wiped t h e tip
of his dick with his p a l m .
" O f c o u r s e it d i d , " M a r i a n said. "Now, Sylvie? You know
h o w badly you n e e d to let it go. Y o u know what's u p my ass.
H o w c o u l d you possibly b e shy?" A g a i n she t a p p e d t h e flowers
against Sylvie's c u n t . " P u s h a n d piss it o u t for m e . "
Sylvie gave it a s e c o n d try. S h e p u s h e d very h a r d . After a
m o m e n t , h e r tiny u r e t h r a o p e n e d a n d a clear s p u r t flared out.
T h e flow s t o p p e d a l m o s t immediately.
" G o o d ! " said M a r i a n . " M o r e ! "
" B u t , " Sylvie objected, " I ' m p u s h i n g so h a r d I ' m afraid
s o m e t h i n g else m i g h t h a p p e n . " S h e stood u p . " I really need to
use the b a t h r o o m I ' m not kidding."
" O h , b u t I w a n t to see that, t o o , " said M a r i a n . "I want to
see everything you c a n d o . "
2 1 6
THE
FERMATA
"Gross, n o way!" said Sylvie.

Kevin d e c i d e d t h a t it was t i m e for h i m to i n t e r c e d e . " I really
d o n ' t t h i n k she c a n d o t h a t , " h e said. " I m e a n , I w o u l d n ' t
m i n d at all if she did, b u t . . . "
M a r i a n p u l l e d off h e r dress in a quick m o t i o n . " L o o k at this
dick u p my ass." S h e l e a n e d b a c k o n h e r h a n d s a n d lifted h e r
knees back against h e r body. "See t h a t b u t t h o l e ? See h o w n i c e
a n d tight it is? L o o k at t h a t t i g h t skin. You c a n look for as l o n g
as you want. L o o k at m e r o c k o n it. C a n y o u see it m o v i n g in
a n d out? F o o , t h a t ' s nice! I like to see y o u r eyes o n it." S h e
looked at t h e m b o t h a n d s h o o k h e r tits for t h e m . " N o w , Sylvie,
it's y o u r t u r n . I've showed you, n o w you show m e . S h o w m e
t h a t tight little b u t t of yours again. See, I h a d n o i d e a y o u were
as full as I a m . I w a n t to see t h a t ass o p e n right u p , j u s t like
m i n e is. Suck t h a t cock of his a n d p u s h it o u t for m e . O n c e you
d o that, you'll feel free to d o a n y t h i n g t h a t feels g o o d , any
t h i n g you want, a n d you'll c o m e e x t r a h a r d , a n d t h a t ' s w h a t
I w a n t I w a n t you to c o m e e x t r a h a r d , b e c a u s e y o u c a n b e
d a m n sure t h a t ' s w h a t I ' m g o i n g to d o . "
" I really have to g o , " said Sylvie. " I ' m n o t k i d d i n g . "
" I know you d o ! S q u a t d o w n j u s t like you were a n d suck t h a t
cock. I'll spray you clean, d o n ' t worry. Pull u p o n y o u r cheeks
so I c a n see. P u s h a n d let it g o . "
Sylvie took u p h e r cocksucking squat. S h e s t a r t e d s u c k i n g
m o r e Kevin-dick, b u t faster t h a n before. S h e p u l l e d o n e of h e r
cheeks o p e n . H e r asshole l o o k e d exactly t h e sametiny, sexy.
T h e n suddenly h e r piss g u s h e d o u t everywhere.
"Ah, t h a t ' s it!" said M a r i a n , frigging h e r clit. " S h o w m e h o w
you let it all go. Release it. T h a t ' s it. Let it all g o . Feel it r e l a x . "
M a r i a n whisked t h e l i n e n n a p k i n o u t from u n d e r h e r toys a n d
h e l d it at t h e ready. " L e t t h a t lovely b u t t o p e n right u p for
me."
2 1 7
NICHOLSON
BAKER
Sylvie m a d e a m o a n of w a r n i n g . H e r asshole d o m e d o u t
i n t o a d o u g h n u t s h a p e a n d b e g a n to o p e n .
" G o o d ! " said M a r i a n . " N o w stop! T i g h t e n b a c k u p o n it."
Sylvie m a d e a s t r a i n i n g s o u n d . H e r h i p s rocked, a n d h e r
asshole slowly closed.
M a r i a n was frigging faster now. S h e let t h e spray drive into
Sylvie's ass. " T h a t ' s right, h o n e y , " she c o a c h e d . " K e e p suck
i n g t h a t dick. I k n o w you n e e d to let it o u t . P u s h o n it."
" I t ' s really g o i n g to c o m e o u t this t i m e , " said Sylvie, some
w h a t frantically. " I c a n ' t h o l d it."
" I k n o w you c a n ' t h o l d it. I j u s t w a n t to see y o u r ass o p e n
o n e m o r e t i m e . It's so sexy to see it o p e n u p . Let it go. P u s h
now. Give it to us. C o m e o n , p u s h . "
Sylvie m o a n e d a g a i n . H e r asshole d o m e d a n d
opened
wider, a n d a b i g d a r k h a r d d i c k s h a p e b e g a n to p u s h its way

straight o u t . M a r i a n h e l d t h e n a p k i n u n d e r n e a t h . " O h yeah.
K e e p p u s h i n g baby. P u s h it all o u t . " S h e felt t h e weight d r o p
in h e r h a n d a n d i m m e d i a t e l y folded t h e n a p k i n over it a n d
sprayed Sylvie clean. "Now we're ready!" she said. " W e ' r e
ready to fuck, kids. C o m e o n , Sylvie, get o n y o u r h a n d s a n d
k n e e s over m e . O p e n t h a t c u n t for Kevin's cock. I w a n t to see
Kevin's h a r d dick u p y o u r c u n t while I p i n c h y o u r nipples.
C o m e o n . I w a n t to see s o m e g o o d h a r d fucking!"
B u t Sylvie d i d n ' t o b e y immediately. S h e h a d rights now. She
was free to d o a n y t h i n g she w a n t e d . Boldly she lifted o n e of
M a r i a n ' s j u g g y tits a n d b e n t to slap it a r o u n d with h e r t o n g u e .
Then,
bringing
her
blond
cunt-site close, she
brushed
M a r i a n ' s n i p p l e - t i p over h e r n e g l e c t e d clit. " C o u l d you h o l d

t h o s e tits t i g h t a n d p o i n t t h e m right at my pussy?" she re
q u e s t e d , with t h e zeal of a convert. "I t h i n k I've got a little p e e
left over for t h e m . " Sylvie p u s h e d a n d let a brief s p u r t spray
over M a r i a n ' s mildly s u r p r i s e d breasts. " L e t m e h o s e it off,"
2 1 8
THE
FERMATA
she said, a n d she took t h e s h o w e r h e a d from M a r i a n a n d

sprayed h e r m e n t o r off.
" S e e ? " said Marian, r e c o v e r i n g quickly. " Y o u c a n d o any
thing now."
"Yeah, a n d now I ' m ready for s o m e cock. I n e e d to b e
fucked g o o d , Kev. Give it to m e g o o d . "
She a r r a n g e d herself o n h e r elbows a n d k n e e s over M a r i a n ' s
legs. M a r i a n g r a b b e d t h e girl's asscheeks a n d s p r e a d h e r
o p e n . Kevin got b e h i n d Sylvie; h e s t a r e d at his girlfriend's
impish twat as if h e ' d never seen it b e f o r e a n d p u m p e d his
dick in his fast fist. It was a h a n d s o m e dick, n o q u e s t i o n ;
watching h i m , M a r i a n felt she n e e d e d to h o l d t h a t p u r p l e
stanchion for herself at least o n c e . "Sylvie?" she asked. " Y o u
won't m i n d if I m a k e s u r e y o u r lover is g o o d a n d stiff for you,
will y o u ? "
" N o , j u s t d o it fast a n d get h i m in t h e r e ! " said Sylvie, kissing
h e r own b i c e p muscle. " E i t h e r t h a t o r shove o n e of t h o s e b i g
dildo-dicks u p my c u n t a n d j e r k h i m off o n t o m y asshole. Y o u r
choice. B u t get s o m e t h i n g b i g u p my c u n t now!"
"I'll get h i m nice a n d fat for y o u r c u n t , " said M a r i a n . S h e
s u r r o u n d e d Kevin's cock with h e r right h a n d a n d r e g i s t e r e d
its w a r m t h a n d livingly resistant rigidity. It felt, she f o u n d
herself observing, extremely realistic. S h e s t e e r e d its h e a d
toward t h e o p e n i n g of Sylvie's p i n k slot a n d j e r k e d its s t e m
fairly h a r d in p l a c e a few times. "Feel t h e b i g h e a d ? " she said.
"Wiggle a little for h i m . H e ' s a l m o s t r e a d y . " S h e l o o k e d u p at
Kevin a n d m i m e d a licking m o u t h to show h i m h o w she w o u l d
lick his dick if given t h e o p p o r t u n i t y . H e was a r o u s e d a n d
slit-eyed, a n d , she n o t i c e d , h e was g a z i n g fixedly at h e r
breasts.
" C o u l d you please p u t h i m in n o w ? " u r g e d Sylvie.
" H e ' s g o i n g to p u s h it in n o w , " M a r i a n said, giving his dick
2 1 9
NICHOLSON
BAKER
a few last j e r k s . " P u s h t h a t cock in h e r , b a b y , " S h e h e l d his

shaft for as l o n g as s h e c o u l d u n t i l it d i s a p p e a r e d i n t o Sylvie's
c u n t ; Sylvie was very t i g h t b u t equally wet, a n d t h e dick's
l e n g t h slid in w i t h o u t b e n d i n g .
" O h , fuck, t h a t ' s g o o d , " said Sylvie, s i g h i n g with relief.
I m m e d i a t e l y she a n d Kevin started s l a p p i n g fast against e a c h
other.
" O h yeah! I like to see t h a t boy-dick s l a p p i n g in t h e r e ! " said
M a r i a n , t u r n i n g t h e s h o w e r h e a d o n h e r clit. " I c a n feel it in
my c u n t j u s t l o o k i n g at it! Yeah! My c u n t is so e m p t y a n d yours
is so full of t h a t sweet h o t d i c k m e a t ! "
As they fucked, Sylvie focused o n t h e dildos, which lay
t u m b l e d o n t h e grass. T h e girl t u r n e d so t h a t h e r face was
close to M a r i a n ' s . H e r h a i r was in h e r eyes. I n a n u n e v e n
whisper, s h e said, " I n e e d o n e of those. Pick o n e a n d p u t it in
my ass, will you? Please?"
M a r i a n b r u s h e d t h e tulips d o w n Sylvie's b a c k a n d t a p p e d
t h e m a g a i n s t h e r asshole. T h e n she r e p l a c e d t h e flowers with
h e r m i d d l e finger, r e s t i n g it lightly o n t h e o p e n i n g . "Is t h a t
w h e r e y o u w a n t s o m e t h i n g ? R i g h t in t h e r e ? "
" O h , " m o a n e d Sylvie, " I w a n t w h a t ' s in y o u r ass."
" H o n e y , I've got s o m e t h i n g m u c h b e t t e r t h a n t h a t for y o u , "
said M a r i a n . "Kevin, look w h e r e my finger is. Isn't t h a t a
p r e t t y little asshole? H a s y o u r cock ever b e e n in t h e r e ? "
Kevin s h o o k his h e a d n o . H i s h a n d s were o n Sylvie's hips,
a n d h e was p u s h i n g with a circling m o t i o n of his hips, m a k i n g
gravelly g r u n t s .
" I w a n t to see t h a t dick u p t h a t g o r g e o u s little b u t t . T h a t
okay with you, Sylvie? Y o u w a n t y o u r h o n e y ' s b i g b u r n i n g dick
u p y o u r ass? Believe m e , it'll feel g o o d . You know you want it,
don't you."
" Y e a h I w a n t it, I w a n t it," said Sylvie.
220
THE
FERMATA
"You w a n t it straight u p y o u r ass, d o n ' t y o u , " M a r i a n r e

peated.
"I need it u p my ass," Sylvie p l e a d e d . "Kev, I n e e d it u p m y
ass!"
M a r i a n g r a b b e d t h e four-foot-long W e l s h Fusilier
and
t u r n e d it o n . S h e w h i s p e r e d to Sylvie, "Slide this u p m y c u n t . "

Sylvie fumblingly obliged. " T h a t ' s g o o d . I w a n t o u r slurry
cunts to b e c o n n e c t e d while you get fucked u p t h e ass for t h e
first t i m e , " M a r i a n said. S h e h a n d e d h e r e n d of it to Kevin.
"Pull o u t of her, baby. P u s h this in i n s t e a d . " Kevin's l o n g
glossy dick e m e r g e d from b e h i n d t h e h o r i z o n of Sylvie's asscurve a n d with evident r e l u c t a n c e h e fed t h e e n d of t h e d o u
ble-vibe w h e r e h e h a d j u s t b e e n . Sylvie m a d e a s u r p r i s e d s h o u t
a n d a r c h e d h e r b a c k a n d started fucking a g a i n s t it.
As s o o n as M a r i a n saw Kevin's cock r e a p p e a r , she knew she
h a d to suck it. T h i s was h e r o n e c h a n c e . " O h , G o d , t h a t ' s a
pretty cock," she said. " I n e e d a real dick in my m o u t h for a
second, j u s t for a second. C o m e over h e r e for a s e c o n d , baby.
Sylvie, h e n e e d s to b e s u p e r stiff for y o u r t i g h t little b u t t . Y o u
d o n ' t m i n d if I get his dick g o o d a n d stiff for you with my
t o n g u e , d o you? I ' m sorry, b u t I j u s t have to suck o n this dick."
"Suck h i m ! " said Sylvie. " O o h , G o d , suck h i m stiff for m e .
J u s t h u r r y a n d get s o m e t h i n g b i g u p my ass. I ' m so h o t for it."
She circled M a r i a n ' s clit with h e r e n d of t h e Fusilier, g a z i n g
at t h e base of t h e K l o c k h a m m e r b u r i e d in t h e o l d e r w o m a n ' s
ass. Marian, h e r m o u t h stuffed with p u r p l e cock, g r o a n e d a n d
o p e n e d h e r legs for t h e p l e a s u r e . As Sylvie felt Kevin j a b b i n g
t h e o t h e r W e l s h - h e a d in a n d o u t of h e r own b u z z i n g cunt-lips,
she r e a c h e d b a c k a n d s p r e a d h e r asscheeks o p e n a n d said,
" T h a t ' s e n o u g h . S t o p sucking my boyfriend's dick a n d get it
in my ass!"
M a r i a n p u l l e d h e r m o u t h off of Kevin's dick.
221
"Okay,
NICHOLSON
BAKER
sweetie, it's ready for y o u . " S h e squirted l u b e o n Sylvie's ass

h o l e . T h e squirt b o t t l e m a d e r u d e noises, b u t n o b o d y cared.
S h e p u l l e d Kevin i n t o p o s i t i o n by his cock a n d t a p p e d t h e
h e a d of his dick o n Sylvie's now-sloppy asscrack, circling it
over t h e o p e n i n g . T h e n she p o i n t e d it a n d h e l d it still. "Okay,
p u s h in slow, Kevin. O p e n u p for h i m , Sylvie. H e ' s g o i n g i n . "
" P u s h it in m e ! F u c k this ass!" cried Sylvie.
M a r i a n h e l d Kevin's cockshaft while it b e g a n to drive slowly
in. I t b e n t a little as h e p u t his weight b e h i n d it; t h e n , as Sylvie
r e l a x e d for h i m , it s t r a i g h t e n e d o u t a n d filled h e r .
" T h e r e h e g o e s , " said M a r i a n .
" F u c k m e with t h a t dick, o o o o o o o o ! " said Sylvie. Kevin
b e g a n m a k i n g very slow l o n g strokes.
" T h a t ' s it, Kevinfuck straight i n t o h e r perfect assyou're
g e t t i n g it." M a r i a n t o o k h o l d of t h e e n d of t h e vibrator in h e r
c u n t a n d s t a r t e d p u l l i n g it in a n d o u t in r h y t h m with Kevin's
steady dick-thrusts. Its l e n g t h curved u p a n d d i s a p p e a r e d into
Sylvie's clim. S h e kissed Sylvie o n t h e s h o u l d e r . " G o d , I like
b e i n g c o n n e c t e d to y o u r sexy pussy, sweetie!" she said. Sylvie
was l o o k i n g straight a h e a d , t a k i n g little b r e a t h s as she p u s h e d
b a c k o n Kevin's thickness. "You like h i m in y o u r ass, d o n ' t
y o u ? " M a r i a n asked h e r .
" I like h i m to fuck m e h a r d ! " said Sylvie. " F u c k my h o t ass,
Kev. I ' m g e t t i n g closer to t h e smiley face!" She looked at
M a r i a n . " T h a t ' s w h a t we say w h e n we're g o i n g to c o m e s o o n , "
she breathlessly e x p l a i n e d .
M a r i a n s p r a n g i n t o action. " H o l d o n , t h o u g h o n e last
t h i n g . " S h e picked u p t h e little okra-sized d i l d o a n d slipped
it over h e r m i d d l e finger a n d squirted s o m e Astroglide o n it.
" C a n I p u t this in Kevin's ass?" she whispered. " I w a n t to feel
h i m fucking y o u w h e n you c o m e . C a n I ? "
Sylvie blew u p o n h e r b a n g s a n d n o d d e d . "Just h u r r y . "
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M a r i a n flicked t h e okra-dick over Sylvie's n i p p l e s a n d t h e n

d r a g g e d it d o w n Kevin's ribs a n d slid a r o u n d to t h e b a s e of his
back a n d g r i p p e d t h e n e a r c h e e k of his ass, so t h a t h e r f o u r
fingers were n e a r his asshole.
" W h a t a r e you d o i n g ? " Kevin said, freezing suddenly.
" I ' m p u t t i n g s o m e o k r a u p y o u r ass so you w o n ' t feel left
o u t , " said M a r i a n . " I w a n t to h e l p you fuck Sylvie. I w a n t t o
feel you fucking h e r ass, a n d I w a n t y o u r asshole to feel you
fucking her asshole. D o n ' t t r o u b l e yourselfjust let it in a n d
keep fucking."
" L e t h e r d o it, Kev!" Sylvie called earnestly.
Kevin o v e r c a m e his u n c e r t a i n t y a n d r e s u m e d his slow, d e
liberate ass-fucking. B u t now, e a c h t i m e h e p u l l e d o u t for t h e
n e x t thrust, M a r i a n drove t h e okra-dick a little f a r t h e r i n t o his
r e l u c t a n t m a l e h o l e . H e s e e m e d to like it m o r e after a m i n u t e
o r two, a n d as h e b e g a n to get his o w n b u t t in gear, M a r i a n
started u r g i n g a n d g u i d i n g his m o v e m e n t s , m a k i n g h i m g o a
little faster, g e t t i n g h i m to a n g l e his thrusts, t h e way she knew
Sylvie w a n t e d it. Every p u s h h e m a d e m a d e his h i g h - j u m p e r ' s
maximus-muscles b u n c h memorably u n d e r Marian's c u p p i n g
h a n d . "See h o w she likes it faster?" M a r i a n said. " F u c k h e r
like this." She c o n t r o l l e d his p u m p i n g torso with t h e okrap l u g like a p u p p e t - m a s t e r a n d h e said, " O h , j e e p e r s ! G e t it u p
there!"
" P i n c h my n i p p l e s h a r d ! " Sylvie o r d e r e d M a r i a n in a n u r
g e n t whisper. " I ' m r i g h t at t h e smiley face," she called t o
Kevin.
"Let's get off t o g e t h e r , " said M a r i a n , p i n c h i n g as she was
told. " C o m e o n . C o m e o n , c o m e o n . F u c k h e r , Kevin! S h o o t
t h a t c o m e in her. L o o k at this cock u p m y b u t t , Sylvie. C o m e
over m e . O h ! O h fuck!" S h e let g o of Sylvie's n i p p l e s a n d h e l d
t h e W e l s h - h e a d tight to h e r love-bean as h e r o r g a s m g a t h e r e d
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BAKER
t h e necessary s i g n a t u r e s . T h e a u t o g r a p h e d A r m a n d e h a d
b e e n in h e r ass for so l o n g t h a t she felt t h e biggest climax of
h e r life h a d to b e well o n its way. B u t she wasn't q u i t e ready
for it. S h e p u s h e d h e r breasts forward a n d said, "Suck my
titbags for a second, Sylvie. Suck t h e m h a r d , bite t h e m , bite
t h e m . O h shit! N o w c o m e for m e . C o m e a r o u n d t h a t h o t
dickmeat."
" O h , G o d ! " said Sylvie. S h e tried to suck M a r i a n ' s n i p p l e s
b u t c o u l d n ' t c o n c e n t r a t e o n t h e m a n d a r c h e d h e r neck, star
i n g forward at t h e invisible p l e a s u r e in h e r h e a d .
" T h a t ' s o k a y c o m e for m e baby. She's starting to c o m e ,
Kevin! S h o o t t h a t h o t j u i c e u p h e r ass for her! Fill h e r ass with
that burning come!" Marian
finger-fucked
t h e okra-dick
faster in a n d o u t of Kevin's asshole, a n d h e l e a n e d forward to

take it a n d t h e n s t r a i g h t e n e d u p , lifting Sylvie by t h e h i p s r i g h t
off t h e g r o u n d a n d p u l l i n g h e r b a c k against his cock. "Now,
Sylvie?" h e said.
" O h , fuck m e g o o d , Kev! Fill my fucking fanny!" Sylvie
s h o u t e d , l o o k i n g in M a r i a n ' s eyes a n d t h e n d o w n at h e r toyfilled fuckholes. " H a r d e r ! O h , yes! F u c k m e real good, dar
ling! S H O O T T H A T H O T D I C K U P MY F A N N Y - H O L E ! O H !
OH!"
W i t h a n a s t o n i s h e d expression, Kevin m a d e o n e last l o n g
l u r c h i n g s h u d d e r i n g p u s h a n d started to c o m e .
" O H YES!" said Sylvie, feeling Kevin's cock e m p t y o u n c e
after o u n c e of b o i l i n g s c r e a m - c r e a m i n t o h e r ass. " A H ! I'M
COMIIINNNG!!!!!" As p a g a n p l e a s u r e s wracked h e r body, she
d i d i n d e e d m a k e a h u g e g r i m a c i n g smiley face.
It was M a r i a n ' s t u r n now. S h e allowed t h e idea of Kevin's
s q u i r t i n g dick in Sylvie's ass to m e r g e with t h e sensation of
A r m a n d e K l o c k h a m m e r , J r . ' s in h e r own. S h e c o n j u r e d u p t h e
sight of t h e d o l l a r bills stuffed in his asscheeks as h e d a n c e d
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THE
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with his b a c k to t h e a u d i e n c e . S h e t h o u g h t of t h e s h o u t i n g
w o m e n ; t h e w h o m p i n g music; t h e sight of h i m t u r n i n g o n t h e
stage a n d tossing his heavy live m e a t a r o u n d inside its black
silk p o u c h as h e l o o k e d o u t at all his w o m e n . All these m e m o
ries were up her ass. S h e o p e n e d h e r eyes a n d said evenly,
"Please watch m e c o m e , now, you two. W a t c h my asshole a n d
c u n t c o m e a r o u n d these h u g e h o m y cocks!" T h e n she t h r e w
herself b a c k o n t h e wet grass a n d lifted h e r legs a n d r e s t e d h e r
feet o n Sylvie's back; she let t h e m watch w h a t e v e r they w a n t e d
while t h e b r u t i s h , h u n k y o r g a s m e n n o b l e d h e r body. " O h nice
. . . so nice . . . so nice . . . " she s i g h e d as t h e clit-twitching
ebbed.
W h e n t h e t h r e e of t h e m h a d r e c o v e r e d a little, M a r i a n
rinsed
off Kevin's softening cock a n d lifted herself off t h e
K l o c k h a m m e r a n d sprayed it fresh.
" C a n we pick s o m e m o r e of y o u r tulips s o m e t i m e ? " said
Sylvie sweetly before she a n d Kevin, dressed o n c e a g a i n in
their m a t c h i n g outfits, left for t h e fish hatchery.
"Anytime you w a n t , " said M a r i a n . " I love y o u n g love."
Naked, r e p l e t e , she p u t h e r toys a n d h e r a b a n d o n e d b o o k o n
t h e tray a n d w e n t i n d o o r s . O v e r t h e n e x t year, with Kevin a n d
Sylvie's w e e k e n d h e l p w e e d i n g a n d p l a n t i n g a n d m o w i n g , h e r
back yard b e c a m e t h e envy of h e r n e i g h b o r s .
225
15
T
JL.
H A T WAS W H A T I FINALLY RECORDED O N T H E CASSETTE THAT
I p u t in t h e t a p e - p l a y e r in Adele J u n e t t e Spacks's F o r d Escort

in p l a c e of S u z a n n e Vega's Solitude Standing. I t P a r t T w o
was sixteen single-spaced p a g e s l o n g , a n d it took, in a d d i t i o n
to t h e twelve l o n g h o u r s a n d two fiercely snuffling o r g a s m s I
d e v o t e d to its c o m p o s i t i o n , a n o t h e r two h o u r s to r e c o r d o n
t a p e . (I let b o t h of my c o m e s h o t s h o p o u t directly o n t o the
hazily i n d e t e r m i n a t e Mass T u r n p i k e , my b o t t o m s c o o c h e d
forward o n t h e h o o d of m y c a r so t h a t my r i c h a r d m a d e a sort
of h o o d o r n a m e n t . U n a b l e to e n d u r e t h e physically p a r a d o x i
cal c o n t a c t of a surface g o i n g sixty miles a n h o u r faster t h a n
they were, t h e s p e r m - d r o p s b e g a n to sizzle o n t h e roadway
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THE
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after a few m i n u t e s ; they h a d v a p o r i z e d c o m p l e t e l y in less

t h a n half a n h o u r . ) W h e n I was d o n e r e c o r d i n g I d i d n ' t feel
e x h a u s t e d I felt exhilarated. My r i g h t wrist h u r t a l o t t h i s
m a r k e d , if I ' m n o t mistaken, t h e b e g i n n i n g of m y c a r p a l t u n n e l p r o b l e m , which has b o t h e r e d m e o n a n d off since. It
isn't clear to m e n o w why M a r i a n ' s a d v e n t u r e s e n d e d u p b e i n g
so u n r e m i t t i n g l y a n e - o r i e n t e d in c o n t e n t I like to t h i n k it
was j u s t a m a t t e r of m o o d . After all, I h a d n e v e r typed t h e
word butthole before in my life. It isn't a w o r d t h a t c o m e s u p
m u c h in business c o r r e s p o n d e n c e . Private coarseness is a
known high. W h a t was j u s t as i m p o r t a n t , I w a n t e d to m i n i m i z e
the c h a n c e t h a t this S m i t h C o l l e g e w o m a n w o u l d find my
a u d i o t a p e d c o m p a n y t a m e , a n d a n a n u s o r two livens u p any
g a t h e r i n g . I w a n t e d my rotterly i m a g i n a t i o n to feed r a t h e r
t h a n limit hers, to e x t e n d w i t h o u t strain as far as h e r s w o u l d
go; a n d I h o p e d t h a t whatever she d i d n ' t like she c o u l d filter
o u t . I h o p e d t h a t she w o u l d realize t h a t I was a n u n u s u a l m a n ,
possibly w o r t h knowing.
I d i d n ' t leave my gift in h e r player r i g h t away, n o t w a n t i n g
to b e seen driving right t h e r e , brazenly n e x t to her, w h e n it
c a m e o n . I started u p t i m e , accelerated, a n d m o v e d a few cars
a h e a d , t h e n j o g g e d b a c k o n foot to h e r car with t h e universe
o n p a u s e a n d switched t h e tapes. C o n s e q u e n t l y I d i d n ' t get to
see h e r initial reaction. B u t I drove annoyingly slowly, f o r c i n g
the buffer cars b e h i n d m e to pass; very s o o n I h a d A d e l e in my
rear-view m i r r o r again. I p u t o n sunglasses so t h a t
she
w o u l d n ' t b e able to see w h e n my eyes were flicking u p to t h e

m i r r o r at her. I saw h e r d o i n g s o m e t h i n g , l e a n i n g , e x a m i n i n g :
I guessed t h a t she h a d ejected m y t a p e a n d was c h e c k i n g for
identifying marks. (It said only MARIAN THE LIBRARIAN o n t h e
label.) T h e n t h e r e was a l o n g p e r i o d w h e r e s h e I ' m fairly
surelistened to s o m e o r all of it. S h e p a s s e d m e again,
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NICHOLSON
BAKER
p a y i n g n o a t t e n t i o n to m e ; I D r o p p e d for a s e c o n d to verify
t h a t m y t a p e was in h e r player a n d t h e n let h e r p r o c e e d . W e
drove for q u i t e a while t o g e t h e r , over a n h o u r , a l t h o u g h I
d o n ' t t h i n k she n o t i c e d t h a t I was k e e p i n g discreetly close to
h e r . S h e fluffed h e r h a i r several times. I l o o k e d for signs of
arousal: weaving, s u d d e n slowing. T h e r e were n o n e . I h o p e d
she w o u l d b e so a r o u s e d t h a t she w o u l d have to stop at a m o t e l
very s o o n .
T o my surprise, she drove r i g h t past t h e t u r n o f f for R o u t e
91 a n d N o r t h a m p t o n . S h e c o n t i n u e d to drive west. Was she
o n h e r way to C h i c a g o ? T h a t m a d e sense. S h e was p r o b a b l y in
g r a d u a t e s c h o o l t h e r e . ( T h e University of C h i c a g o sticker o n
h e r r e a r w i n d s h i e l d was above t h e S m i t h sticker, a r g u i n g for
S m i t h ' s t e m p o r a l priority.) I wasn't s u r e t h a t I w a n t e d to drive
all t h e way t o Chicago with h e r , b u t p r e s u m a b l y she w o u l d have
to s t o p s o m e w h e r e for t h e n i g h t . A n d even if she h a t e d my
t a p e , she was still driving, a n d driving allows for a g r e a t deal
of idle t h o u g h t , a n d idle t h o u g h t is t h e perfect m e d i u m for
t h e a c c e l e r a t e d t r a n s m u t a t i o n of r e m e m b e r e d distastefulness.
By t h e t i m e she t u r n e d i n t o a m o t e l t h a t evening, s o m e i m a g e
off my cassette m i g h t b e s o a r i n g t h r o u g h h e r sensibility,
r o b e d in u r g e n c y a n d fire. A n d regardless of h o w she felt
a b o u t m y t a p e , she w o u l d a l m o s t certainly c o m e in h e r m o t e l
r o o m , since w h a t else is t h e r e to d o in m o t e l r o o m s ?
As I drove, I w o r k e d o u t a n e l a b o r a t e p l a n of how I would
p r o c e e d if she d i d c h e c k i n t o a m o t e l . As s o o n as she e n t e r e d
t h e p a r k i n g lot, I w o u l d s t o p t i m e a n d pull in a h e a d of h e r a n d
p a r k in a n out-of-the-way spot. I w o u l d restart time. S h e
w o u l d p a r k a n d g o i n t o t h e office for five m i n u t e s a n d t h e n
r e a p p e a r a n d walk to a r o o m , say r o o m 2 3 . As she was p o i n t
i n g h e r key at t h e d o o r k n o b , with a semi-blank s e t - m o u t h e d
face t h a t n o actress c o u l d d u p l i c a t e b e c a u s e it was so wholly
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THE
FERMATA
a p r o d u c t of t h e certainty of h e r u n o b s e r v e d n e s s , I w o u l d
p a u s e her, g o back to t h e office a n d get t h e s p a r e key for r o o m
2 3 from t h e key drawer, a n d e n t e r a h e a d of h e r . It w o u l d n ' t
b e a b a d r o o m , a little o n t h e b r o w n side, b u t t h e r e w o u l d
p r o b a b l y b e n o g o o d place for m e to h i d e to w a t c h h e r u n
dress. I w o u l d b e deeply sleepy by this t i m e . My yawns w o u l d
b e c o m i n g every thirty seconds. It w o u l d b e a b o u t seven in t h e
m o r n i n g Strine-time, c o u n t i n g m y l e n g t h y o n - t h e - r o a d Foldout, b u t I would still b e n e e d i n g s o m e m o m e n t of closeness
with this total stranger, w h o h a d b e c o m e my c h o s e n traveling
c o m p a n i o n . I w o u l d n o t i c e t h a t in h e r r o o m t h e r e was a
locked d o o r t h a t led to t h e adjacent r o o m . T h i s w o u l d suggest
s o m e possibilities to m e .
Still fully f e r m a t i o n a l , I w o u l d leave h e r s t a n d i n g at t h e
d o o r with h e r key o u t a n d I w o u l d walk o u t a n d " b u y " (in
the u s u a l informal m a n n e r ) f o u r t e e n dirty m a g a z i n e s from a
newsstand a q u a r t e r of a mile d o w n t h e r o a d . I like w a n d e r
i n g a r o u n d newsstands in t h e Fold a n d l o o k i n g at p e o p l e
looking at m a g a z i n e s . S o m e t i m e s it's j u s t as you w o u l d ex
pect: t h e thirteen-year-old kid with a fine little m u s t a c h e
looking at a shelf-ful of gory horror-film m a g s , etc. B u t
often it isn't so simple: it isn't like t h e c a r t o o n clich a b o u t
h o w p e o p l e r e s e m b l e t h e i r dogs. T h e m a n at t h e r a c k of
c o m p u t e r m a g a z i n e s is s o m e o n e you c o u l d n ' t have p r e
dicted w o u l d b e t h e r e ; likewise t h e w o m a n l o o k i n g at t h e
sailing m a g a z i n e s a n d t h e m a n r e a d i n g at t h e a n t i q u e s rack.
You c a n ' t necessarily m a t c h p e o p l e u p with t h e periodicals
they flip t h r o u g h . P e r h a p s this is b e c a u s e p e o p l e w h o s p e n d
time in newsstands a r e n ' t r e p r e s e n t a t i v e of t h e p e o p l e w h o
are deeply interested in a given h o b b y o r s u b j e c t t h e r e a l
enthusiasts are o u t o n sailboats o r at a n t i q u e s a u c t i o n s ,
r a t h e r t h a n r e a d i n g a b o u t t h e m ; o r m o r e likely they are
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BAKER
leafing t h r o u g h t h e m a g a z i n e s at h o m e , w h e r e they c a n re
ally study t h e m , b e i n g subscribers. S o m e of t h e t r u e hobby
ists d i s d a i n t h e m a g a z i n e s b e c a u s e they have studied t h e m
for so l o n g t h a t t h e level of r e p e t i t i o n in t h e how-to articles
has b e g u n to tire t h e m . It m i g h t often b e t h a t t h e i n h a b i
t a n t s of a n e w s s t a n d a r e t h o s e w h o w a n t a taste of what it
w o u l d b e like to have a c e r t a i n interest w i t h o u t actually hav
i n g it. B u t t h e n a g a i n , s o m e a r e p r o b a b l y t r u e aficionados of
t h e i r p a r t i c u l a r r e a l m w h o are d r a w n to t h e newsstand p r e
cisely b e c a u s e h e r e they c a n see t h e i r specialized sub-passion
o n display n e a r all o t h e r s : m o d e l rocketry right o n a n e q u a l
f o o t i n g with Metropolitan
Home; t h e science fiction m a g a
zines only a few feet from b o d y b u i l d i n g , o r from t h o s e flimsy

how-to-write-an-effective-query-letter writers' m a g a z i n e s . U n
like a b o o k s t o r e , a n e w s s t a n d unifies its h u g e r a n g e of subject
c a t e g o r i e s by its o v e r r i d i n g sense of nowness. It is a P a r t h e n o n
of t h e i m m e d i a t e p r e s e n t , a centrifuge of synchronicity. E a c h
m a g a z i n e is saying, T h i s is w h a t we t h i n k you w a n t to know
a b o u t o u r subspecialty right this second, in (you scan t h e
covers) J u l y J u l y J u l y J u l y A u g u s t J u l y J u l y J u l y A u g u s t A u g u s t
July. My F o l d - p o w e r s a r e r e p l e n i s h e d by trips to newsstands;
I find t h a t t h e l o n g e r I s p e n d in o n e , t h e m o r e cleanly a n d
responsively t i m e stops for m e t h e n e x t t i m e I trigger a D r o p .
So I w o u l d g o d o w n t h e r o a d from Adele's m o t e l a n d buy
f o u r t e e n m e n ' s m a g a z i n e s at a newsstand, a n d I would walk
b a c k a n d a r r a n g e t h e m o n o n e of t h e b e d s in h e r r o o m , r o o m
2 3 , c o v e r i n g its o b j e c t i o n a b l e p i n k a n d b r o w n coverlet with a
s u p e r i o r quilt of p l u s h womanflesh. I w o u l d get a washcloth
from t h e b a t h r o o m a n d d r a p e it o n t h e e d g e o f t h e bed, as if
t o c a t c h t h e s c u m s q u i b s t h a t were i m m i n e n t from my b l o a t e d
f a c t o t u m . I w o u l d m a k e s u r e t h a t I h a d stroked past t h e p o i n t
of c a r i n g at t h e m o m e n t I adjusted my glasses. I m m e d i a t e l y
thereafter, I w o u l d h e a r Adele's revitalized key in t h e lock.
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THE
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W h e n , o n t h e t h r e s h o l d of h e r o w n m o t e l r o o m , she c a u g h t
sight of m e inside, l o o k i n g u p at h e r with surprise, she w o u l d
say, " O h , sorry!" a n d close t h e d o o r . It w o u l d n o t b e t o o
difficult for m e to act
flustered
and embarrassed. I would
genuinely be flustered a n d e m b a r r a s s e d . " I ' m terribly sorry

o n e m o m e n t ! " I w o u l d call loudly. "Sorry, sorry!" I w o u l d
hurry outside, d o i n g u p my belt. S h e w o u l d already b e o n h e r
way back to t h e office. " I t ' s my m i s t a k e , " I w o u l d say. " I t h i n k
I was given t h e w r o n g key."
" N o p r o b l e m , " Adele w o u l d say crisply. "I'll get a different
r o o m . " S h e w o u l d n ' t w a n t to m e e t my eye.
" W h a t I m e a n is," I w o u l d hastily e x p l a i n , " I t h i n k I ' m in
your r o o m . T h e m a n said r o o m twenty-four, b u t t h e n w h e n I
looked at t h e key h e gave m e it said twenty-three, so I j u s t
a s s u m e d t h a t it was t h e r o o m I was m e a n t to have. Obviously
I was very w r o n g . B u t if you h a n g o n thirty s e c o n d s I'll b e
totally o u t of y o u r r o o m . "
Adele w o u l d say, " T h a t ' s all
rightyou're
obviously already
all settled in t h e r e . " S h e w o u l d m a k e a little l a u g h .

B u t I w o u l d b e full of sincerity. "You m e a n t h e m a g a z i n e s ?
I c a n pile t h o s e u p in half a second, really. I t h i n k t h a t you
s h o u l d have t h e r o o m you were m e a n t to have, since it's m y
mistake. I h a v e n ' t even u s e d t h e b a t h r o o m . Well, n o I d i d
use it." I w o u l d p u t m y h a n d o n my chest. " T h i s is mortify
ing."
Adele w o u l d reassure m e . " D o n ' t worry a b o u t it, honestly.
I'll get a different r o o m . You stay in t h a t r o o m , a n d I'll get a
different o n e . It's fine."
B u t I w o u l d n ' t want t h a t to h a p p e n , of c o u r s e . I w o u l d h a n d
h e r my key to h e r r o o m , t h e o n e I b o r r o w e d from t h e office
while in t h e Fold: " H e r e ' s t h e key to y o u r r o o m , " I w o u l d say.
You get y o u r suitcase o r whatever, a n d I'll get t h e right key for
23 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
my r o o m , a n d t h e n I'll b e o u t of your r o o m in two seconds.

Okay?"
S h e c o u l d so very easily n o t g o a l o n g with this a n d insist o n
t a l k i n g to t h e m a n in t h e m o t e l office herself, a n d it would n o t
b e at all g o o d for m e if she did: I w o u l d have to use t h e Fold
to escape, a n d I w o u l d have to a b a n d o n h e r while she was in
t h e m i d d l e of telling t h e p e r s o n at t h e desk t h a t t h e r e was
s o m e o n e in h e r r o o m , a n d t h e n h e w o u l d tell h e r t h a t n o b o d y
was c h e c k e d i n t o r o o m 24, a n d she w o u l d b e left with a
mysterious a n d d i s t u r b i n g sexual event t h a t she c o u l d n o t
e x p l a i n . T h e police w o u l d possibly get involvedawful to
c o n t e m p l a t e . B u t b e c a u s e I always m e a n well, despite my
sneakiness, I w o u l d b e flustered e n o u g h a n d g e n u i n e e n o u g h
t h a t she w o u l d believe m e a n d accede.
I w o u l d c h e c k in at t h e office a n d r e q u e s t r o o m 24 a n d get
t h e key. A d e l e w o u l d b e s t a n d i n g o u t s i d e r o o m 23 w h e n I
r e t u r n e d . T h e d o o r w o u l d b e ajarI w o u l d have left it ajar
so she w o u l d have b e e n able to g l a n c e at t h e a r r a n g e m e n t of
m a g a z i n e s a n d t h e w a s h c l o t h o n t h e e n d of t h e b e d d u r i n g my
brief a b s e n c e if she w a n t e d to.
" T h e r e , all set," I w o u l d tell her. I w o u l d noisily slap all t h e
m a g a z i n e s in a b i g pile a n d cover t h e t o p o n e with t h e wash
c l o t h a n d carry t h e m o u t to my n e w r o o m . A g a i n I would say,
" I ' m terribly sorry for t h e d r e a d f u l m i x - u p . "
" T h a t ' s q u i t e all r i g h t , " she w o u l d say. S h e w o u l d b e very
u n f l a p p a b l e a n d p l e a s a n t . W e w o u l d wave g o o d - n i g h t .
I n my r o o m , I w o u l d t h r o w myself o n t h e b e d a n d sigh with
reliefnothing bad h a d happened! I would think that I
s h o u l d ask h e r o u t for a bite to eat, since it was d i n n e r time.
I b e t t e r ask h e r o u t r i g h t now, I w o u l d say to myself, before she
gets u n d r e s s e d o r h a s a shower, while we are b o t h still in the
c e r e m o n i a l l y friendly m o o d - e n v e l o p e . I w o u l d h o p u p a n d
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t h e n I w o u l d t h i n k b e t t e r of it. T h e p r o b l e m w o u l d b e t h a t I
was r i g h t o n t h e b r i n k of b e i n g perceived as a t h r e a t by her,
a n d I w o u l d n ' t b e able to risk s e e m i n g sinister o r sleazy by
m a k i n g any advances now. A n d I w o u l d n ' t have to. T h e fact
t h a t we were in side-by-side r o o m s w o u l d feel increasingly
relevant as t h e e v e n i n g progressed: t i m e w o u l d b e o n my side.
I would lie back o n t h e b e d with m y h a n d s o n m y f o r e h e a d ,
listening to t h e s o u n d s from h e r r o o m . D e s p i t e t h e d o o r s
c o n n e c t i n g us, h e r r o o m w o u l d t u r n o u t to b e surprisingly
u n e a v e s d r o p p a b l e - o n . I w o u l d h e a r h e r w a t e r r u n for a
w h i l e p e r h a p s a very quick shower, m o r e likely a face-wash
a n d a t o o t h b r u s h i n g . Fifteen m i n u t e s w o u l d pass. I w o u l d
h e a r h e r u n l o c k several locks a n d go o u t s i d e . S h e w o u l d b e o n
h e r way to d i n n e r . I w o u l d wait a n d t h e n D r o p a n d h i d e
b e h i n d a c o r n e r a n d watch her. S h e w o u l d d e c i d e to d i n e
at t h e l u g u b r i o u s
woodgrain-Formica-and-waitresses-with-
Early-American-bonnets r e s t a u r a n t t h a t was linked to t h e

motel, j u s t b e c a u s e she was tired a n d it was close by. I w o u l d
buy a local p a p e r from a m a c h i n e a n d g o inside a n d take a
m e n u a n d sit d o w n s o m e w h e r e , i g n o r i n g t h e PLEASE WAIT FOR
HOSTESS TO SEAT YOU sign, a n d t h e n I w o u l d s t o p m e d d l i n g
with time. I w o u l d b e d e e p i n t o m e n u - p a r s i n g w h e n A d e l e
walked in. T h e r e w o u l d b e very few folks in t h e r e s t a u r a n t . T h e
hostess w o u l d seat Adele at a n e a r b y table. W h e n A d e l e said,
" T h a n k s , " I w o u l d look u p with p l e a s e d surprise. I w o u l d say
hello. She w o u l d b e carrying a copy of Mirabella, still w e a r i n g
t h e p i n k sweater. W h e n she sat down, I w o u l d l e a n over a n d
ask her, "After you've r e a d y o u r m a g a z i n e a n d I've r e a d my
newspaper, will you j o i n m e for dessert?"
A n d of course she w o u l d say yes.
T h e two of u s w o u l d p r e t e n d t h a t we d i d n ' t exist for half a n
h o u r . While I ate my p o t roast, I w o u l d rattle t h e n e w s p a p e r
233
NICHOLSON
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with a serious air a n d r e a d it m o r e t h o r o u g h l y t h a n I've r e a d

a n e w s p a p e r in years. Finally t h e r e w o u l d c o m e a n indecisive
m o m e n t after o u r d i n n e r plates were r e m o v e d . I w o u l d look
u p a g a i n a n d say, "Dessert t i m e ? "
S h e w o u l d get u p a n d c o m e over. "I s h o u l d n ' t , b u t I will,"
she w o u l d say. " T h e list looks i n t e r e s t i n g . " W e would discuss
w h a t a n a p r i c o t c r u m b l e m i g h t in reality b e , p r e t e n d i n g to b e
m o r e in t h e d a r k t h a n we were. T h e n I w o u l d apologize again
for t h e m i x - u p with t h e r o o m s . I w o u l d say t h a t it was p u r e
a b s e n t - m i n d e d stupidity o n my part.
S h e w o u l d say, " I t ' s t h e s e c o n d weird t h i n g t h a t has h a p
p e n e d to m e t o d a y . "
" O h ? " I would prompt. "The second?"
Yes, she w o u l d reply. S h e w o u l d tell m e t h a t she h a d b e e n
driving a l o n g t h e Mass Pike a few h o u r s earlier, m i n d i n g h e r
o w n business, listening to a S u z a n n e V e g a t a p e , w h e n all of a
s u d d e n this voice h a d c o m e o n t h e speakers saying t h a t h e was
s o m e o n e in a car t h a t she h a d recently passed a n d t h a t h e h a d
u s e d his p o w e r s to r e p l a c e t h e t a p e in h e r cassette player with
t h e o n e she was h e a r i n g . S h e w o u l d r e p o r t t h a t t h e t a p e h a d
t u r n e d o u t to b e , as you m i g h t expect, p o r n o g r a p h i c . "Really
k i n d of s t r o n g stuff in p l a c e s , " she w o u l d tell m e . "Kind of
disgusting, actually."
" H o w very l u r i d a n d suggestive a n d mysterious," I would
say in r e a c t i o n , m a k i n g p e r p l e x e d noises. I w o u l d q u e s t i o n
h e r further: d i d she have any idea h o w s u c h a n audiocassette
c o u l d have m a d e its way i n t o h e r tape-player?
S h e w o u l d say t h a t she h a d n o idea. I w o u l d tell h e r t h a t I
was c o n v i n c e d t h a t t h e r e were still o n e o r m o r e m a j o r p h e
n o m e n a in t h e universe t h a t were as yet u n k n o w n o r were
radically m i s u n d e r s t o o d . " A r e you a scientist?" she would
i n q u i r e . I w o u l d say n o , with a light l a u g h , a n d tell h e r t h a t I
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was a t e m p in Boston, r e t u r n i n g from s e e i n g relatives in Pitts

b u r g h . S h e w o u l d say t h a t she was d o i n g linguistics at t h e
University of C h i c a g o . S h e w o u l d b e i n t e r e s t e d in l a n g u a g e
acquisition in c h i l d r e n from b i l i n g u a l families. W e w o u l d talk
quite happily a b o u t l a n g u a g e acquisition in c h i l d r e n from
bilingual families for a l o n g while, since I a m i n t e r e s t e d in
that subject myself. S h e w o u l d let m e pay for h e r dessert.
Before we left, I w o u l d take a d e e p b r e a t h a n d say, "You
have to forgive m e . I ' m desperately c u r i o u s to k n o w w h a t sort
of stuff was o n t h a t p o r n o g r a p h i c cassette. Was it j u s t h i m
huffing a n d puffing?"
" N o t h i n g like t h a t , " Adele w o u l d reply. " I t was fairly e l a b o
rate. It was a whole story."
I w o u l d lean forward, i n t r i g u e d . "Really?" I w o u l d watch
h e r t h i n k over w h a t she r e m e m b e r e d of it. I w o u l d n o t i c e h e r
mentally p u t t i n g aside t h e first i m a g e s t h a t c a m e t o h e r from
it b e c a u s e she d i d n ' t w a n t to discuss t h e m with m e .
She would say, " I t was a b o u t this w o m a n whowell, t h e r e
was a UPS m a n . . . "
" F i g u r e s , " I w o u l d say dismissively.
" A n d a n e i g h b o r boy," she w o u l d c o n t i n u e , " a n d t h e boy's
girlfriend. A n d a lawn-mower."
I would look a l a r m e d . " N o t s o m e t h i n g violent with a lawnmower."
She w o u l d shake h e r h e a d .
"So j u s t y o u r s t a n d a r d p o r n , basically," I w o u l d say.
She w o u l d t h i n k t h a t o n e over. " I guess so. T h e r e were a
great m a n y dildos, which is fine, I guesswhatever.
But
t h e n I d o n ' t k n o w g o l d e n showers? A c t u a l o u t - a n d - o u t
defecation?"
"Yuck," I w o u l d exclaim.
"I d o n ' t m e a n , " she w o u l d a d d , " t h a t they were d e f e c a t i n g
235
NICHOLSON
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all over t h e p l a c e . It was d o n e with s o m e taste a n d refinement.

B u t still, t h e r e was a g e n e r a l o v e r e m p h a s i s o n t h e a n a l side of
t h i n g s , in my view."
" F a s c i n a t i n g , " I w o u l d say.
" A n d I ' m n o t saying," Adele w o u l d o p e n - m i n d e d l y go o n ,
" t h a t t h e r e isn't s o m e m e r i t to c h e c k i n g in o n t h a t p a r t of t h e
w o r l d from t i m e t o t i m e . I know t h a t it's richly furnished with
n e r v e - e n d i n g s . B u t to give it t o p billing . . . "
I w o u l d a g r e e w h o l e h e a r t e d l y a n d shake my h e a d at t h e
e r r o r of laying t o o m u c h stress o n t h a t area. T h e n , however,
I t o o w o u l d b e forced to d e m o n s t r a t e my o p e n - m i n d e d n e s s .
" I m e a n , it certainly d o e s n ' t h u r t to i n c l u d e it in t h e festivities
from t i m e to t i m e , occasionally. B u t it's m o r e to reawaken
o n e ' s a p p r e c i a t i o n of t h e u s u a l avenues t h a n as a n e n d in
itself."
A d e l e w o u l d s u d d e n l y start l a u g h i n g .
I w o u l d look inquiringly at her.
"Nothing,
nothing,"
she w o u l d
say. " S o m e t h i n g j u s t
p o p p e d i n t o my h e a d a n d struck m e as funny. It's n o t h i n g

it's n o t funny at all. It's j u s t t h a t a n c i e n t expression ' H e r s h e y
highway.' " H a v i n g said it, Adele w o u l d lean forward, h e r
h a n d s o n h e r face, l a u g h i n g h a r d . " O h boy, sorry." S h e would
lift h e r w a t e r glass a n i n c h off t h e table a n d t h e n set it down,
c l e a r i n g h e r t h r o a t , still l a u g h i n g a little. "Sorry. It's j u s t t h a t
if y o u c o u l d have heard this t a p e , o n a n d o n a b o u t ' u p h e r
b u t t ' a n d 'in h e r ass' a n d 'show m e t h a t tight little ass,' God.
Sorry."
I w o u l d l a u g h politely. " W h a t sort of voice did t h e m a n o n
t h e t a p e h a v e ? " I w o u l d ask.
" A very sort of straight-arrow voice," Adele w o u l d say. " N o
B o s t o n a c c e n t o r a n y t h i n g . Maybe a bit like y o u r voice. Q u i t e
d e e p , t h o u g h . " S h e w o u l d give m e a look a n d I w o u l d have a
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feeling t h a t she was o n t h e verge of asking m e if I h a d m a d e

the tape. ( T h e stately p a c e of sound-waves in t h e F o l d w o u l d
further e x p l a i n my altered timbre.) B u t she w o u l d n ' t ask.
Possibly she w o u l d n ' t want to know t h a t I was t h e A r n o V a n
Dilden b e h i n d M a r i a n t h e L i b r a r i a n . S h e w o u l d n ' t w a n t m e to
b e a liar a n d a trickster a n d a sneak, b u t a g e n u i n e , s o m e w h a t fun-to-talk-to o n e - t i m e dessert c o m p a n i o n , w h i c h is w h a t I
would genuinely w a n t to b e for h e r as well. W e w o u l d walk
back u p t h e slope to t h e m o t e l . O u r respective keys w o u l d
m a k e jingly s o u n d s . I w o u l d b e so sleepy by this t i m e t h a t I
would hardly b e a b l e to stand.
I would ask her, " A r e you leaving at t h e crack of d a w n o r
will you b e able to have s o m e breakfast?"
She w o u l d say t h a t she w o u l d p r o b a b l y j u s t get s o m e t h i n g
at a d r i v e - t h r o u g h .
"Well," I w o u l d say, s h a k i n g h e r h a n d , " g o o d luck with y o u r
bilingual r e s e a r c h . " W e w o u l d g o i n t o o u r r o o m s . I w o u l d
take a shower a n d get in b e d a n d fall asleep t h i n k i n g a b o u t
light-switches t h a t g o u p a n d d o w n w i t h o u t m a k i n g a clicking
sound. It would only b e a b o u t eight-thirty, real t i m e . T h e
effort involved in trying to b e likable, o n t o p of t h e lack of
sleep, would have completely wiped m e o u t . Two h o u r s later,
the p h o n e w o u l d
ring.
It would b e Adele. " D i d I wake you u p ? "

I would say n o .
She would say, " T h e r e a s o n I ' m calling is, you k n o w what?
I think you u n i n t e n t i o n a l l y m a d e off with my w a s h c l o t h . "
I would p r e t e n d to t h i n k back. I w o u l d r e m e m b e r . "Right,
of course. I was flustered."
Adele would say, " I believe t h a t you h a d it o n t o p of t h a t
pile of r e a d i n g m a t e r i a l . "
237
NICHOLSON
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" Y o u ' r e right," I w o u l d say. " D o you n e e d it? I'll b r i n g it

right
over."
" W e l l , " she w o u l d e x p l a i n , " I ' m t h i n k i n g of taking a b a t h ,

a n d a b a t h is j u s t n o t a b a t h w i t h o u t a w a s h c l o t h . "
I w o u l d i n d i c a t e t h a t I a g r e e d w h o l e h e a r t e d l y with this
s t a t e m e n t . " T h e w a s h c l o t h is o n e of t h e m o r e versatile things
you c a n b r i n g with y o u to t h e b a t h t u b , " I w o u l d say. I would
tell h e r h o w m u c h I liked it w h e n I g o t s o a p in my eyes a n d
I s q u e e z e d o u t t h e w a s h c l o t h a n d s c r u b b e d my eyes really
h a r d with it, m a k i n g t h e sting of t h e s o a p miraculously go
away. A d e l e w o u l d tell m e h o w as a child she h a d a r r a n g e d h e r
dolls at t h e foot of t h e t u b a n d u s e d wet washcloths as blan
kets, t u c k i n g t h e m in. I w o u l d ask h e r w h e t h e r she h a d raised
h e r dolls bilingually. S h e w o u l d say t h a t in fact she h a d devel
o p e d several doll l a n g u a g e s . W e w o u l d s h a r e a few m o r e
t h o u g h t s o n this rich a n d i n t e r e s t i n g subject.
" W e l l , " she w o u l d finally say.
" H o w d o y o u w a n t to work this?" I w o u l d tentatively ask. "I
c o u l d j u s t b r i n g o n e over. You'll h e a r a k n o c k a n d I'll j u s t
h a n d you o n e . I t o o k a shower earlier, b u t I only u s e d o n e . "
" I t o o k a shower earlier, t o o , " A d e l e w o u l d say. " B u t I c a n ' t
sleep n o w . " S h e w o u l d hesitate. "If y o u ' r e n o t d e c e n t , o r you
d o n ' t w a n t to g o o u t s i d e in t h e cold, I was t h i n k i n g t h a t t h e r e
seems to b e a door l e a d i n g directly from y o u r r o o m to my
r o o m . I'll k e e p t h e c h a i n o n m y side h o o k e d o n , b e c a u s e I ' m
n o t . . . w e l l . . . anyway, you c o u l d j u s t h a n d it t h r o u g h t h e g a p
in m y d o o r . "
I w o u l d tell h e r w h a t a g o o d idea I t h o u g h t t h a t was. " L e t
m e see if m y side o p e n s . " I w o u l d u n d o t h e c h a i n a n d the
slide-lock o n m y side a n d o p e n my d o o r , revealing a second,
knobless d o o r o n h e r side. "My side is o p e n n o w , " I w o u l d say.
"I'll h a n g u p a n d get t h e w a s h c l o t h . "
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"Okay, see you in a s e c o n d , " she w o u l d say.

T h e white s q u a r e of fabric w o u l d still b e r e s t i n g o n t o p of
the pile of dirty m a g a z i n e s . I w o u l d fold it u p neatly, like a
blank business letter, a n d k n o c k o n c e o n h e r i n n e r d o o r . After
a series of u n b o l t i n g noises, t h e d o o r w o u l d o p e n a crack.
Adele's eye a n d t h e c o r n e r of h e r m o u t h w o u l d a p p e a r . " S u r
prise," she w o u l d say.
" I ' m so very glad to have f o u n d y o u at h o m e , " I w o u l d
gallantly offer.
Adele would p u t h e r h a n d to t h e g a p a n d I w o u l d stuff t h e
washcloth t h r o u g h . " H a v e a g o o d b a t h , " I w o u l d say.
She would t h a n k m e a n d a p o l o g i z e for d i s t u r b i n g m e so
late.
" D o n ' t b e silly," I w o u l d say. " D o you r e a d in t h e b a t h ? I
have t h e local p a p e r . B u t I guess n e w s p a p e r s a r e n o t really
b a t h m a t t e r . I d o have, t h o u g h , as you saw, a stack of dirty
magazines. Ah, I forgotyou have Mirabella,
so y o u ' r e all
set."
"I've already r e a d everything in Mirabella e x c e p t t h e h o r o
scope p a g e , " she w o u l d say. " I s u p p o s e I c o u l d r e a d it again.
I d o love to r e a d in t h e b a t h . I n t h a t . . . p i l e , " she w o u l d
innocently ask, " a r e t h e r e any m a g a z i n e s t h a t you c o u l d rec
ommend?"
I would b e t a k e n a b a c k by t h e idea of a r e c o m m e n d a t i o n .
" T o b e quite h o n e s t , " I w o u l d say, " I h a d j u s t laid t h e m o u t
o n y o u r o n t h e b e d in y o u r r o o m t h e r e , p r e t t y m u c h at
r a n d o m , w h e n you u n l o c k e d t h e d o o r a n d f o u n d m e . I h a v e n ' t
really studied t h e m . Why d o n ' t I d r a g t h e m over now, a n d we
can take a look."
" O k a y , " she would say, e l o n g a t i n g t h e s e c o n d syllable with
a trace of d o u b t .
I would e x a g g e r a t e t h e " o o f s " of lifting t h e w e i g h t of four239
NICHOLSON
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t e e n m a g a z i n e s . It is r e m a r k a b l e , t h o u g h , h o w heavy a pile of
m e n ' s m a g a z i n e s c a n b e . T h e y w o u l d m a k e a d e e p heavy
r e c t a n g u l a r s o u n d w h e n I let t h e m d r o p from a few inches
above t h e b r o w n c a r p e t i n g , a s o u n d t h a t w o u l d m o m e n t a r i l y
r e m i n d m e of newspaper-recycling efforts a n d t h e closing of
c a r d o o r s . (It w o u l d m a k e sense t h a t d r o p p e d n e w s p a p e r
b u n d l e s a n d car-door-closings w o u l d b e related, since car
d o o r s are in fact filled with o l d n e w s p a p e r s as s o u n d - d a m p i n g
insulation.) W i t h a n air of b e m u s e d superiority, t h o u g h with
a distinct u n d e r t o n e of boyish e x c i t e m e n t , I w o u l d r e a d off
t h e n a m e s of t h e m a g a z i n e s . "Let's see. T h e r e ' s Celebrity Sleuth
a n d Leg Show, Max, Fox, Lips. W h a t ' s this o n e ? A h , Best of High
Society, Assets, Club, Hooters, Velvet, High Society, Swank,
Ends,
Tail
Gent..."
S h e w o u l d ask, " W h y in t h e world d o you n e e d so m a n y ? "

" I only d o this in m o t e l s , " I w o u l d e x p l a i n . "I have to have
t h e e n t i r e b e d covered with o p e n m a g a z i n e s . Ideally I'd have
twin b e d s covered, a n d b e able to pivot b a c k a n d forth be
tween b o t h pictorial b e d s p r e a d s . "
" I t s e e m s a little excessive," Adele w o u l d say, justifiably.
" D o e s it?" I w o u l d ask.
"Expensive, anyway," she w o u l d say.
" T h i s pile cost eighty-five d o l l a r s , " I w o u l d tell her. "So it
w o u l d m a k e m e feel m u c h better, m u c h less wasteful, if some
o n e else besides m e g o t s o m e u s e o u t of t h e m . It's like n o t
w a n t i n g to d r i n k a l o n e . " I w o u l d tell t h e story of how, w h e n
I was p a c k i n g to leave for college a n d I h a d to get rid of all t h e
dirty m a g a z i n e s of my a d o l e s c e n c e , I c o u l d n ' t b e a r to throw
t h e m away, so I t o o k t h e m to t h e p a r k in a p a p e r b a g a n d left
t h e m in a p l a c e w h e r e d r u n k s s o m e t i m e s slept, figuring t h a t
they m i g h t have a s e c o n d life t h e r e . " N o w I know t h a t t h e r e
are b o o k s t o r e s t h a t b u y u s e d m a g a z i n e s , " I w o u l d say. "Ave240
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n u e Victor H u g o o n Newbury. N o w t h a t ' s a g r e a t store. H a v e

you b e e n t h e r e ? "
Adele w o u l d say she t h o u g h t she h a d , o n c e . E n c o u r a g e d , I
would tell h e r a n o t h e r story, a b o u t a t i m e w h e n I was in t h e
Avenue Victor H u g o o n e S u n d a y a f t e r n o o n w h e n a very seri
ous L e b a n e s e - l o o k i n g m a n b r o u g h t in t h r e e heavy b o x e s of
old Penthouses. T h e u s e d - b o o k b u y e r l o o k e d at t h e b o x e s , b u t
h e d i d n ' t issue store credit for t h e m r i g h t away. I n s t e a d h e
called o u t to a n assistant, a w o m a n of twenty, black hair,
glasses, w h o h a d b e e n in t h e b a c k shelving s o m e o l d m i n t
Frederik P o h l p a p e r b a c k s , e a c h o n e in a protective plastic
collector's sleeve, a n d told h e r t h e r e were t h r e e b o x e s of Pent
houses. T h e assistant sat d o w n cross-legged o n t h e floor in
front of t h e boxes. I t h o u g h t she was j u s t g o i n g to c o u n t t h e
magazines. A n d she d i d c o u n t t h e m . B u t as she lifted e a c h
o n e , she flipped t h r o u g h it, o p e n i n g it to its c e n t e r - s p r e a d ,
g l a n c i n g at t h e p i c t u r e , a n d t h e n closing it b a c k u p a n d
p u t t i n g it in a n e a t pile. I h o v e r e d n e a r t h e fancy slipcased
editions of Poe, observing all this, trying to p u z z l e o u t h e r
behavior. T h e w o m a n d i d n ' t s e e m to b e m o t i v a t e d by a desire
to get a look at e a c h Penthouse pet. ( " P e t " is offensive, in my
o p i n i o n . ) S h e sighed in a b o r e d o r p e r h a p s r e s i g n e d way as
she did it. H e r m o v e m e n t s r e p e a t e d themselves automatically.
She d i d n ' t m i n d o p e n i n g these m a g a z i n e s , b a r i n g t h e m
right
d o w n to t h e b e n t e n d s of t h e i r c e n t e r - s p r e a d staples in t h e
front of t h e store, in t h e p r e s e n c e of a n y o n e w h o h a p p e n e d to
b e t h e r e , b u t she did it n o t o u t of interest b u t b e c a u s e it was
simply p a r t of h e r j o b . W h a t exactly, t h o u g h , was she l o o k i n g
for? I w o n d e r e d . A n d t h e n I u n d e r s t o o d . T h e store was n o t
g o i n g to a c c e p t any m a g a z i n e o n t o w h i c h s o m e o n e h a d c o m e .
H a v i n g b e e n b u r n e d in t h e p a s t by greedy u n p r i n c i p l e d m e n
who tried to u n l o a d t h e i r utterly u n r e s e l l a b l e p o r n - l i b r a r i e s ,
24 1
NICHOLSON
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they n o w h a d i n s t i t u t e d a firm policy of flipping t h r o u g h every

issue to m a k e s u r e t h a t n o n e of its p a g e s were stuck together.
T h e L e b a n e s e m a n h a d s t o o d u n c o m f o r t a b l y by while all this
was g o i n g o n . F o r t u n a t e l y , h e h a d n o t p e r s o n a l i z e d a single
p a g e of his e n t i r e collection.
" N o r have you, I take it," A d e l e w o u l d say w h e n I
finished
telling h e r m y A v e n u e Victor H u g o story.

" T h a t ' s r i g h t , " I w o u l d answer. " E a c h of these m a g a z i n e s is
as i m p e r s o n a l as t h e next. W h i c h o n e s d o you want to look
a t ? " I w o u l d tell h e r t h a t Swank was said by insiders to b e
t e m p o r a r i l y in t h e a s c e n d a n t a n d t h a t Leg Show was interest
i n g a n d funny at times. I w o u l d p r e t e n d to b e m o r e of a
connoisseur than I am. Showing someone your pornography
collection was, I w o u l d reflect to myself, a very straightforward
f o r m of e x h i b i t i o n i s m : H e r e a r e my private sexual things, it
said. L o o k at t h e m , like t h e m , h o l d t h e m .
As I fed m a g a z i n e s t h r o u g h t h e g a p in t h e d o o r , Adele
w o u l d leaf t h r o u g h t h e m , at first attentively, t h e n less so. She
w o u l d n ' t r e a c t as I h a d h o p e d . " I d o n ' t k n o w , " she would say
several times with different i n t o n a t i o n s . I w o u l d p u s h a few
m o r e t h r o u g h to h e r . Finally she w o u l d say, " N o . I d o n ' t g o
for this. T h e skin h a s a n u n r e a l look. All t h e w o m e n look t h e
s a m e . W h y d o m e n n e e d so m a n y identical pictures in o n e
m o n t h ? " S h e w o u l d finish flipping t h r o u g h t h e last m a g a z i n e .
" N o . I j u s t d o n ' t t h i n k I c a n take any of these to t h e b a t h with
m e ; I d o n ' t t h i n k I c a n take s e e i n g any m o r e pictures of
w o m e n ' s vaginas. I've never seen so m a n y vaginas in my life.
Here."
S h e w o u l d slip t h e m a g a z i n e s back t h r o u g h t h e g a p in the
d o o r to m e . I w o u l d pile t h e m u p neatly as they r e a p p e a r e d ,
two by two. I w o u l d try to r e c o u p t h r o u g h e x p l a n a t i o n . I
w o u l d tell h e r t h a t b r i n g i n g o u t all y o u r m a g a z i n e s a n d ar242
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r a n g i n g t h e m o n t h e b e d was sort of like g e t t i n g a n e r e c t i o n .

First y o u r p e r i o d i c a l p o r n o g r a p h y is folded away in d a r k n e s s
in a drawer o r a b a g o r a b o x , s t o r e d in its m o s t c o m p a c t form,
a n d t h e n you bring it out, you flap it a r o u n d in t h e light, you
increase its t w o - d i m e n s i o n a l surface area. I w o u l d g r a n t h e r
that t h e r e was a feeling of s a m e n e s s at times, t h a t s o m e t i m e s
I got surfeited, t h a t my interest w e n t t h r o u g h p h a s e s . ( W h i c h
would b e a t r u e s t a t e m e n t : I rarely u s e d p o r n w h e n I h a d
Fold-powers, since all t h e world was a dirty m a g a z i n e t h e n . )
But in g e n e r a l , I w o u l d say, m e n u n f o r t u n a t e l y do w a n t t h e
same t h i n g over a n d o v e r a different w o m a n identically
p o s e d is t h e only difference they n e e d . I w o u l d tell h e r t h a t
each tiny variation b e t w e e n two w o m e n ' s b o d i e s c o n s t i t u t e d a
h u g e difference from a sexual p o i n t of view. T h e s a m e b o d y
wearing different clothes o r with different-colored h a i r d i d n ' t
r e a d as sexually different; it h a d to b e a different body. I
would tell h e r this n o t as if I were p l e a s e d a b o u t it, b u t as if
it were simply t h e way it was. F o r s o m e w o m e n like w h e n m e n
tell t h e t r u t h a b o u t themselves.
"Since we're l e t t i n g o u r h a i r d o w n , " A d e l e w o u l d say, " c a n
I ask you s o m e t h i n g ? " I w o u l d see o n e of h e r eyes p e e r i n g in
at m e . Because she w o u l d b e l e a n i n g from b e h i n d t h e d o o r ,
it would b e impossible for m e to tell for s u r e w h a t she was o r
was n o t wearing. I w o u l d have a s t r o n g suspicion t h a t she h a d
a towel w r a p p e d a r o u n d u n d e r h e r a r m s , a n d I w o u l d b e glad
if she did, b e c a u s e it was such a marvelously s i m p l e e x t e n s i o n
of t h e towel's utility (despite its visual overuse in m a d e - f o r - T V
movies), relying o n t h e slightly moist p o s t - s h o w e r p l u s h of t h e
towel a n d t h e swell of t h e J a m s to k e e p t h e f o l d e d - u n d e r
c o r n e r from s l i p p i n g a n d freeing t h e e n t i r e w r a p : its very
tightness k e p t it tight.
I would p u t my face close to t h e d o o r as well, a n d she a n d
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I w o u l d r e g a r d e a c h o t h e r eye to eye. " W h a t ' s y o u r q u e s t i o n ? "

I w o u l d say.
S h e w o u l d ask, "Is t h e w a s h c l o t h you h a n d e d m e j u s t now
t h e o n e t h a t was sort of h a n g i n g o n t h e e d g e of t h e b e d w h e n
y o u r m a g a z i n e s were all s p r e a d o u t in h e r e ? "
I w o u l d a d m i t t h a t it was.
A d e l e w o u l d blink carefully. " W h y was it o n t h e b e d t h a t
way? W h a t were you p l a n n i n g to d o with it?"
I w o u l d tell h e r t h a t I h a d b e e n p l a n n i n g to s h o o t o n t o it.
" O r m a y b e I w o u l d have b u n d l e d my p e n i s in it a n d muffled
t h e e x p l o s i o n , " I w o u l d say. I w o u l d reveal to h e r t h a t my
o r g a s m s were a l m o s t always b e t t e r w h e n s h o t into c o t t o n t h a n
i n t o tissue p a p e r . T h e n I w o u l d a d d : " I w o u l d have rinsed the
w a s h c l o t h o u t afterward. I d o n ' t t h i n k whoever d o e s t h e r o o m
w h e n I c h e c k o u t s h o u l d have to deal with t h a t sort of relic."
S h e w o u l d tell m e t h a t I was a c o n s i d e r a t e p e r s o n .
I w o u l d lower my voice to a w h i s p e r a n d tell h e r h o w m u c h
I w a n t e d to see h e r ass.
" T h a t m a y o r m a y n o t h a p p e n , " she w o u l d say.
I w o u l d ask h e r w h a t she h a d b e e n p l a n n i n g to d o with t h e
w a s h c l o t h in h e r b a t h .
" W a s h with it," she w o u l d say. S h e w o u l d n o w b e k n e e l i n g
very close to t h e d o o r . S h e was, I w o u l d verify, w e a r i n g a white
towel. My face w o u l d b e so close to h e r s t h a t I w o u l d b e able
to h e a r every detail of h e r b r e a t h i n g , a n d yet we would n o t
c o m f o r t a b l y b e a b l e to kiss. S h e w o u l d b e smiling, pleased
t h a t I was so obviously h e r s . I w o u l d b e able to smell h e r
lipstick. S h e w o u l d finally say, " I s u p p o s e I s h o u l d take my
b a t h now. T h e w a t e r is g o i n g to get c o l d . "
"You've h a d t h e b a t h ready this whole t i m e ? " I w o u l d say,
distressed. " I h a d n o idea. A n d h e r e I've b e e n stuffing all of
this m o n t h ' s p o r n o g r a p h y t h r o u g h t h e d o o r at y o u . "
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"I'll a d d s o m e w a r m if it's g o t t e n c o l d , " A d e l e w o u l d say.

T h e n : "It's n o t t h a t I h a t e t h o s e m a g a z i n e s , it's j u s t t h a t they
d i d n ' t d o a n y t h i n g for m e . "
"You know w h a t I wish?" I w o u l d say. " I wish y o u w o u l d
wash r i g h t h e r e at t h e d o o r . "
"You d o , d o y o u , " A d e l e w o u l d say. S h e w o u l d think. " L e t
m e see you for a s e c o n d . "
U p u n t i l t h e n , I w o u l d have b e e n l e a n i n g so t h a t m y b o d y
was o u t of h e r sight-line. I w o u l d shift so t h a t o n e of my knees
was against t h e d o o r , a n d o n e was j u s t o u t s i d e t h e d o o r - f r a m e .
I would b e sitting o n my feet. All I w o u l d have o n w o u l d b e
a p a i r of v e n e r a b l e 1984 r e d Calvin Klein u n d e r p a n t s t h a t h a d
g o n e loose a r o u n d t h e leg. I w o u l d p u l l o n e leg-hole sideways
over my d i c k - b u n d l e so t h a t I was free to s h a k e my yokel a little
for h e r as it stiffened. "Will you wash y o u r breasts for m e while
I activate this?" I w o u l d ask.
"You know t h a t I ' m n o t o p e n i n g this d o o r , " she w o u l d say
firmly. " T h e c h a i n stays o n . "
" I know," I w o u l d say.
She w o u l d relax t h e n , b e c a u s e she w o u l d see t h a t we were
b o t h c o n t e n t to play by t h e s a m e rules. " Y o u ' d b e i n t e r e s t e d
in seeing m e wash my breasts?" she w o u l d ask. S h e w o u l d r u n
h e r t o n g u e over h e r lips. I w o u l d see h e r eyes g o d o w n my
chest to my h a n d f u l of dick. T h e s p e e d of m y fist-shuttle
would say yes.
" H e r e ' s a s u g g e s t i o n , " I w o u l d t h e n offer, a b a n d o n i n g my
cockwork to raise a finger. " D o n ' t waste t h e b a t h , since it's
already t h e r e . Sit in t h e b a t h for a m i n u t e o r two, wash t h e
lower p a r t of y o u r b o d y o r whatever, d o half t h e j o b , n o t t h a t
it n e e d s it. A n d t h e n get s o m e t h i n g . . . d o you have a n y t h i n g
t h a t c a n h o l d s o m e w a t e r ? " I w o u l d look a r o u n d my r o o m
doubtfully a n d spot a n ice b u c k e t . " T h e ice b u c k e t ! " I w o u l d
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NICHOLSON
BAKER
cry. "Perfect. You c o u l d get y o u r ice b u c k e t a n d fill it with

s o m e of t h a t w a r m b a t h w a t e r a n d b r i n g it over h e r e a n d wash
y o u r breasts for m e . Y o u c o u l d d u n k t h e washcloth in the
b u c k e t a n d h a n g y o u r breasts over it a n d squeeze t h a t w a r m
w a t e r all over t h e m . I w a n t to see t h a t so much. Please? I'll j u s t
wait h e r e patiently s t r o k i n g my cock." I w o u l d give h e r a
q u e r y i n g look. " D o you have a n ice b u c k e t ? "
She would crane her head momentarily.
"Yes, oddly
e n o u g h I h a p p e n to have a n ice b u c k e t . Tell you what. If I ' m

n o t b a c k h e r e in, o h , t e n m i n u t e s , it m e a n s t h a t I ' m shy a n d
I d o n ' t w a n t to wash m y breasts for you, in which case you've
got plenty of m a g a z i n e s to tide you over. T h a t ' s o n e t h i n g I
w a n t to g e t clear, by t h e way. My b o d y isn't exactly like t h e
o n e s in t h o s e m a g a z i n e s . "
I w o u l d tell h e r t h a t s h e was absolutely right: h e r b o d y was
t h r e e - d i m e n s i o n a l . " T h a t t h i r d d i m e n s i o n c a n b e pretty nice
s o m e t i m e s , " I w o u l d say. I w o u l d tell h e r t h a t I c o u l d already
see s o m e h i n t s of h e r s h a p e u n d e r t h e white towel, t h a t I knew
she was magnificent, t h a t I was s u p e r - k e e n to see m o r e , etc.
"Give m e a few m i n u t e s , " she w o u l d say. S h e would disap
p e a r from t h e doorway. I w o u l d p u t my e a r to t h e g a p a n d
listen as h a r d as I c o u l d . I w o u l d h e a r h e r towel fall a n d s o m e
watery s o u n d s .
" A r e you i n ? " I w o u l d call, loudly.
"Sssh!" she w o u l d answer. T h e r e would b e m o r e watery
s o u n d s . I w o u l d let my f o r e h e a d rest against t h e d o o r , imagin
i n g h e r sitting in t h e b a t h . I w o u l d r e p o s e t h a t way for a l o n g
t i m e . T h e n t h e r e w o u l d b e t h e u n m i s t a k a b l e s o u n d of some
o n e rising u p o u t of t h e b a t h . M o r e watery s o u n d s would
e n s u e . T h e ice b u c k e t w o u l d a p p e a r o n t h e c a r p e t i n g n e a r the
o p e n i n g in t h e doorway. " I ' m b a c k , " Adele w o u l d say.
I w o u l d ask h e r if she h a d h a d a nice b a t h .
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"A little r u s h e d , b u t yes," she w o u l d reply. O n p e e r i n g in at

m e , she w o u l d b e s o m e w h a t startled. " W e ' r e r a t h e r r o c k h a r d ,
a r e n ' t we?"
"Are you still toweled?" I w o u l d ask rhetorically, since I
c o u l d see t h a t she was.
"I c a n n o t b e if you w a n t , " she w o u l d say. S h e w o u l d p u l l
n e a r h e r s h o u l d e r ; t h e tucked-in c o r n e r w o u l d give way a n d
she w o u l d g a t h e r t h e c o l l a p s i n g towel in h e r h a n d s in front of
her, still shielding herself from my sight. T h e n , with grace, she
would set it aside a n d look at t h e g a p in t h e d o o r w h e r e m y
eye was. S h e w o u l d have h i g h r o u n d m e d i u m breasts a n d
b r o a d s h o u l d e r s a n d s m o o t h , solid a r m s a n d t h i g h s . H e r t a n
lines w o u l d b e very faint, a l m o s t u n n o t i c e a b l e . H e r thick dis
orderly h a i r w o u l d b e j u s t r i g h t for h e r body. T o get herself
over h e r e m b a r r a s s m e n t , she w o u l d say, " N o w w h e r e didl
put
t h a t washcloth? A h , yes." S h e w o u l d h o l d t h e dry w a s h c l o t h

indecisively.
W i t h my m o u t h very close to t h e d o o r - f r a m e , I w o u l d tell
h e r t h a t she was beautiful, perfect, a m a z i n g . I w o u l d tell h e r
t h a t I loved h e r breasts.
"Well, t h a n k y o u , " she w o u l d say, p l e a s e d . H e r legs w o u l d
b e folded u n d e r n e a t h her; she w o u l d b e sitting o n h e r feet (as
I still was). H a l f seductively, half uneasily, she w o u l d r u n h e r
h a n d s u p a n d d o w n t h e t o p s of h e r l o n g thick t h i g h s . T h e way
h e r squeezed thigh-flesh m a d e a n o u t w a r d curve j u s t above
h e r knees, like t h e lid of a g r a n d p i a n o s e e n from above,
would e n d e a r h e r to m e .
"Why n o t p u t t h e ice b u c k e t b e t w e e n y o u r legs?" I w o u l d
suggest.
" T h a t ' s a t h o u g h t , " she w o u l d say. S h e w o u l d p a r t h e r
t h i g h s a n d p u l l t h e b u c k e t b e t w e e n t h e m . I w o u l d see a brevity
of light-brown hair. T h e ice b u c k e t w o u l d b e r o u n d a n d black.
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S h e w o u l d r e m o v e its t o p . A little s t e a m would p l u m e u p from

t h e w a t e r inside. S h e w o u l d g a t h e r h e r h a i r a n d throw its mass
b e h i n d h e r s h o u l d e r s . "Shall I ? " she w o u l d ask m e , lifting t h e
washcloth.
" I t ' s t h e r i g h t t h i n g to d o , " I w o u l d say. "Dunk it. "
S h e w o u l d p u s h t h e w a s h c l o t h in t h e water. She would
lift it, squeeze it, s u b m e r g e it again. T h e s e c o n d t i m e she
s q u e e z e d it o u t , she w o u l d let it fall o p e n in h e r h a n d . It would
b e a fairly t h i n washcloth, as h o t e l washcloths often areyou
w o u l d a l m o s t b e a b l e to see h e r shadowy fingers t h r o u g h it.
S h e w o u l d look at m e . T h e n she w o u l d b e n d forward a n d
watch h e r h a n d as it s u r r o u n d e d h e r soft b r e a s t with t h e
w a r m t h of t h e white cloth. S h e w o u l d steady h e r breast from
u n d e r n e a t h with h e r o t h e r h a n d as she gently h e l d it a n d
circled it with t h e c o m p r e s s .
" W h a t a beautiful sight," I w o u l d say. "Is it w a r m ? "
"Very w a r m , " A d e l e w o u l d say, s q u e e z i n g a n d circling.
"Very w a r m . I always w a n t e d to d o this with those h o t towels
they h a n d o u t in J a p a n e s e r e s t a u r a n t s . J u s t lift my shirt at t h e
table, you know? 'Why t h a n k you! H o w very kind of you!'
M m m . O r at t h e e n d of a i r p l a n e flights."
" T h e o t h e r o n e , " I w o u l d b r e a t h e . " T h e o t h e r o n e ' s look
i n g left o u t . " T h e n I w o u l d have a n inspiration. " H a n g o n ,
w h a t a m I thinking? I'll get t h e o t h e r washcloth! D o n ' t move!"
I w o u l d l e a p u p a n d retrieve my washcloth from t h e b a t h
r o o m . " I t ' s still a little wet from my s h o w e r , " I w o u l d tell her.
"You w o n ' t m i n d ? "
S h e w o u l d s h a k e h e r h e a d . I w o u l d p o k e t h e washcloth
t h r o u g h t h e d o o r . S h e w o u l d d r o p it i n t o t h e ice bucket,
squeeze it, a n d , l e a n i n g forward again, c u p h e r o t h e r breast
with it. T w o h a n d s o n two washcloths o n two breasts. I would
m a k e s o u n d s of w o n d e r a n d praise.
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" I b e t they'll stay o n by themselves," she w o u l d say. S h e

would s t r a i g h t e n a n d let h e r h a n d s fall to h e r sides. T h e
washcloths w o u l d i n d e e d r e m a i n in place. S h e w o u l d p u l l at
their c o r n e r s , n e a t e n i n g away t h e wrinkles. T h e y w o u l d look
like oversized pockets o n a very s h e e r shirt.
I w o u l d ask h e r w h a t it w o u l d feel like to h o l d h e r n i p p l e s
through them.
" P r o b a b l y it w o u l d feel pretty g o o d , " A d e l e w o u l d say. S h e
would gently p i n c h h e r n i p p l e s t h r o u g h t h e wet p l u s h . Still
h o l d i n g t h e m , she w o u l d bow forward a n d shake h e r breasts
so t h a t t h e washcloths p e e l e d off h e r skin a n d fell over h e r
p i n c h i n g fingers. T h e n she w o u l d d r o p b o t h washcloths i n t o
t h e bucket. "You know h o w I m i g h t like to wash my breasts if
I were by myself?" she w o u l d ask m e , s h a k i n g t h e w a t e r from
h e r fingers.
" H o w ? " I w o u l d ask.
She would slide t h e ice b u c k e t forward a n d l e a n h e r torso
lower a n d lower over it, s u p p o r t i n g s o m e of h e r weight o n o n e
h a n d . S h e would allow o n e of h e r breasts to d e s c e n d i n t o t h e
r o u n d o p e n i n g of t h e b u c k e t a n d t h e n let it d i p silently in t h e
water. T h i s w o u l d get m e crazy. T h e c h a i n o n t h e d o o r w o u l d
start rattling.
" O h , shit, that's so fine," I w o u l d say, t h u m p i n g m y fist u p
a n d d o w n my g e n d e r - b e a m . " S o efficient, so sensible. C a n
you d o t h e o t h e r now? C a n you d u n k it for m e ? "
Adele w o u l d have b o t h h e r h a n d s o n t h e r u g now, a n d she
would c o n t i n u e h e r wonderful a l t e r n a t i n g b r e a s t - d i p p i n g ses
sion: d i p p i n g o n e breast, lifting it, l e t t i n g it d r i p a little,
m o v i n g laterally, d i p p i n g t h e o t h e r breast. W a t c h i n g h e r , I
w o u l d get i n t o s u c h a froth of desire t h a t I w o u l d find myself
u n a b l e to say a n y t h i n g m o r e t h a n " D u n k t h a t tit, d u n k t h a t
tit, y o u ' r e so fucking sexy, d u n k t h a t tit!" w h i c h w o u l d n ' t
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b o t h e r her. After a while she w o u l d b r i n g h e r face close to t h e

d o o r - g a p a n d l o o k t h r o u g h at my j a c t i o n .
" I t looks like t h a t feels g o o d , " she w o u l d say.
" I t really, really d o e s , " I w o u l d say.
" M y n i p p l e s are all c l e a n a n d h a r d , " she w o u l d say. " W o u l d
you like to t o u c h o n e ? "
S h e w o u l d h o l d h e r b r e a s t to t h e o p e n i n g a n d I w o u l d kneel
forward a n d let m y richard n o s e i n t o it. T h o u g h this would b e
t h e first t i m e we h a d t o u c h e d , aside from s h a k i n g h a n d s , it
w o u l d n ' t feel wildly m o m e n t o u s , j u s t p a r t of t h e escalation.
S h e w o u l d p u l l t h a t b r e a s t away a n d w o u l d b r i n g t h e o t h e r
n i p p l e close to t h e g a p . T h e f a r t h e r my yokel p o k e d t h r o u g h
t h e d o o r , t h e m o r e I w o u l d b e able to feel t h e air of h e r r o o m
o n it. T h e air w o u l d s e e m cooler. My dick, I w o u l d realize with
surprise, was in h e r m o t e l r o o m ! H e r o t h e r h a n d would have
f o u n d its way b e t w e e n h e r legs a n d w o u l d b e u n p r e t e n t i o u s l y
p o l i s h i n g h e r G u m m i Bear.
" I wish t h a t I c o u l d give y o u a kiss," I w o u l d say. "I d o n ' t
m e a n t h a t you s h o u l d u n c h a i n t h e d o o r , I j u s t m e a n I wish we
could kiss."
'
" L e t ' s see w h a t we c a n d o , " she w o u l d say. W e w o u l d get o u r
h e a d s as close t o g e t h e r as they c o u l d b e a n d we w o u l d stick

o u t o u r t o n g u e s . T h e i r tips w o u l d t o u c h ; t h e sensation would
flow c r o t c h w a r d s . T h e c h a i n o n t h e d o o r w o u l d c o n t i n u e to
m a k e its a u d i b l e p r e s e n c e k n o w n .
" I wish I c o u l d see y o u r ass," I w o u l d croak.
" H m m . " S h e w o u l d tilt h e r h e a d . " I d o n ' t t h i n k o u r rela
t i o n s h i p is at a p o i n t w h e r e you c a n see my ass."
" N o ? " I w o u l d say, surprised.
" N o , " s h e w o u l d say. " B e c a u s e you know what? S o m e t h i n g
tells m e you w a n t to see m y asshole. R i g h t ? "
I w o u l d equivocate. " N o t just y o u r asshole. Ass a n d asshole
together. In context."
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" R i g h t , " she w o u l d say, " b u t I d o n ' t really w a n t you l o o k i n g

at my asshole t o n i g h t . "
I w o u l d n o t a r g u e with this. I w o u l d say, " I a c c e p t that. A n
asshole is a very p e r s o n a l t h i n g . I'd b e perfectly h a p p y j u s t to
see y o u r ass. You c o u l d k e e p y o u r cheeks t o g e t h e r . "
B u t she w o u l d n ' t go for t h a t either. " I t h i n k n o t , " she w o u l d
say. " I d o n ' t trust myself. If I t u r n e d a r o u n d a n d s h o w e d y o u
my ass, my cheeks m i g h t fly o p e n , a n d we w o u l d n ' t w a n t that.
W h a t if I washed my breasts s o m e m o r e ? " S h e w o u l d b r u s h
s o m e of h e r h a i r over o n e of h e r n i p p l e s for e m p h a s i s .
"Hmm?"
I would say, " T h a t w o u l d b e fantastic, of c o u r s e , b u t
here's a n idea. W h a t if you t o o k o n e of t h e washcloths a n d j u s t
placed it o n y o u r ass? J u s t p l a c e d it t h e r e . It w o u l d b e a white
square, a h e l i c o p t e r l a n d i n g p a d , b u t it w o u l d follow y o u r
shape."
"You m e a n like this?" S h e w o u l d w r i n g o u t a w a s h c l o t h a n d
h o l d it as a l o i n c l o t h over h e r b o t t o m , a n d s h e w o u l d t u r n
with h e r back to m e .
"Yes," I w o u l d say, " i n a way, b u t I guess I d i d n ' t m e a n q u i t e
so free-hanging. I t h i n k it m i g h t n e e d to b e wetter, so t h a t it
really clings, j u s t t h e way it c l u n g t o y o u r breasts. T h e way y o u
have it n o w it's a little bit . . . c e n t e r f i e l d e r e s q u e . "
" A h . " Adele w o u l d d i p h e r h a n d s in t h e w a t e r a n d h o l d
t h e m o n h e r ass to wet it, a n d t h e n she w o u l d a p p l y t h e
washcloth to h e r skin a n d t u r n to show m e .
"Perfect, perfect!" I w o u l d whisper-hiss. " N o w I c a n see
y o u r sex-shape a n d yet y o u r ass observes all t h e p r o p r i e t i e s . "
I would shuffle my way as close to t h e d o o r - o p e n i n g as possi
ble a n d I w o u l d b e g i n to j a c k frantically, my knuckles r a p p i n g
smartly o n t h e d o o r . T h e lock's c h a i n w o u l d c l a n k a n d rattle
with every stroke of my fist. " C a n you b a c k u p towards t h e
d o o r a little m o r e ? " I w o u l d ask.
25 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
O n h e r knees, A d e l e w o u l d b a c k t h e white s q u a r e o n h e r ass

towards m e . It w o u l d follow t h e s e a m of h e r o p e n p e a c h
faithfully; it w o u l d look oddly like a n o p e n book.
"Just a little m o r e ! " I w o u l d say. I w o u l d tell h e r how close
my cock was to h e r ass, a n d h o w fucking incredible h e r ass
looked. J u s t b e l o w t h e e d g e of t h e washcloth, I w o u l d b e able
t o see f o u r of h e r fingers fretting against t h e flushed cowling
of h e r clit. I w o u l d let g o of my cock a n d e x t e n d my h a n d
t h r o u g h t h e d o o r - g a p as far as it w o u l d go; I w o u l d almost b e
a b l e to r e a c h h e r with my m i d d l e finger. "Back u p j u s t a
teensy bit m o r e , " I w o u l d say. " I ' m g o i n g to t o u c h y o u . "
S h e w o u l d let h e r knees slide f a r t h e r a p a r t o n t h e r u g a n d
w o u l d p u s h b a c k with h e r h a n d s , b r i n g i n g h e r ass right u p
against t h e e d g e of t h e d o o r . My fingertips w o u l d m a k e con
tact with t h e r o u g h d a m p t e x t u r e of t h e washcloth. I would
p u l l o n o n e of t h e u p p e r c o i n e r s , which w o u l d have slipped
d o w n a little.
"Is everything still in p l a c e ? " she w o u l d ask, l o o k i n g back
over h e r s h o u l d e r . " Y o u ' r e n o t s e e i n g a n y t h i n g you s h o u l d n ' t
be seeing?"
I w o u l d let my fingers b r u s h lightly d o w n i n t o h e r terryc l o t h vale. T h e n I w o u l d g o u p t h e o p p o s i t e slope a little way,
t h e n b a c k d o w n , t r a c i n g p a r a b o l a s of s h a p e - a p p r e c i a t i o n . I
w o u l d k n o w m o r e o r less w h e r e t h i n g s were u n d e r n e a t h , b u t
I w o u l d n ' t b e a b l e to see t h e m . "All is in o r d e r for t h e time
b e i n g , " I w o u l d say. "I'll k e e p a close eye o n it, t h o u g h . "
" T h a n k s , " she w o u l d say.
" D o you w a n t to frig y o u r pussy real fast?" I w o u l d inquire
huskily.
A d e l e w o u l d answer t h a t she was frigging h e r pussy real
fast. W e w o u l d n ' t s p e a k for s o m e t i m e , m e w i n g antiphonally.
T h e w a s h c l o t h w o u l d b e looser now. I w o u l d essentially b e
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h o l d i n g it u p for h e r with my finger. " I t d o e s n ' t s e e m to w a n t

to stay p u t entirely," I w o u l d warn. " B u t I t h i n k I k n o w a g o o d
way to k e e p it from falling. Shall I ? "
"Yes, d o it. O h yeah. D o it." A d e l e w o u l d b e lost in h e r
onan-world.
" I ' m g o i n g to p u s h i n t o t h e w a s h c l o t h with m y m i d d l e
finger," I w o u l d t h e n say. "Okay? J u s t half a n i n c h . T h a t will
keep it in p l a c e . "
I would find t h e r i g h t s p o t a n d I w o u l d p u s h . W h i t e wrinkles
would form in t h e fabrica sort of p l u s h white terry-cloth
s p h i n c t e r w o u l d g a t h e r a r o u n d my stiff m i d d l e finger as I
forced my way in.
"Eeeeeyeah!" Adele w o u l d say. " T h e t e x t u r e of it!"
Carefully I w o u l d withdraw my finger, leaving t h e w a s h c l o t h
in place. " N o w t i g h t e n it a n d m a k e yourself c o m e , " I w o u l d
say.
" I t really tingles in t h e r e , " she w o u l d say.
I w o u l d lean all m y weight against t h e d o o r a n d a i m my
cock t h r o u g h t h e g a p . A d e l e w o u l d b e g i n p u s h i n g a g a i n s t t h e
d o o r j a m b in a steady r h y t h m . T h i s m o v e m e n t w o u l d
finally
m a k e t h e washcloth slide off h e r ass-curves a n d h a n g down;

b u t it would n o t fall to t h e floor, since it was still h e l d tightly
by h e r asshole. S h e w o u l d sense s o m e t h i n g amiss. " O h n o ! "
she w o u l d say breathlessly, a l a r m e d .
"It's all right!" I w o u l d reassure her. " I t ' s h a n g i n g t h e r e ! I
still c a n ' t really see a n y t h i n g . J u s t h o l d it in t h e r e real tight,
d o n ' t let it fall, okay? I ' m g o i n g to deliver a w h o l e c a n d y g r a m
of c o m e right t h r o u g h this doorway any s e c o n d . "
" O o h , you a r e ? " Adele w o u l d say. S h e w o u l d b e p u s h i n g
against t h e d o o r with h e r ass so h a r d n o w t h a t she w o u l d
practically b e s h u t t i n g it in my face. " C o m e o n m y wash
cloth!" she w o u l d call. " S q u e e z e it off o n m y w a s h c l o t h ! "
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I n m y frenzy, I w o u l d a i m w r o n g a n d release my first two

s m u t - s c h n a p p s o n t h e c a r p e t a n d t h e d o o r , b u t with t h e third
I w o u l d m a n a g e to fling s o m e fertile distillate o n h e r u p p e r
t h i g h . F e e l i n g it, she w o u l d give h e r c o m m o t i o n t h e final
g o - a h e a d a n d t h e limply h a n g i n g washcloth, tightly c i n c h e d
in h e r r a v i n g s p h i n c t e r , w o u l d b e g i n to m o v e hypnotically,
p u l l i n g in a n d o u t several times w h e r e it d i s a p p e a r e d , m a k i n g
t h e free e n d gently lift a n d wag, like a h a n d k e r c h i e f waved in
farewell from a n o c e a n liner.
S h e w o u l d t u r n a n d sit a n d look in at m e . W e w o u l d d e
scribe h o w p l e a s a n t it h a d b e e n . " A n d see?" I w o u l d say. " T h e
w a s h c l o t h d i d n o t fall. Y o u r m o d e s t y was m a i n t a i n e d . "
" N o w I c a n s l e e p , " she w o u l d say. I w o u l d refocus o n h e r
hair, w h i c h w o u l d look beautiful a n d thick a n d tossed a r o u n d .
T h o u g h we w o u l d n ' t b e a b l e to shake h a n d s p r o p e r l y t h r o u g h
t h e d o o r , we w o u l d h o o k i n d e x fingers a n d shake good-bye
t h a t way. H e r d o o r w o u l d close a n d I w o u l d h e a r t h e lock o n
t h e k n o b t u r n a n d t h e b o l t slide softly i n t o place. I would close
m y d o o r , t o o , a n d lock it, b u t I w o u l d n ' t reinstate t h e c h a i n
lock o n m y sidefor it w o u l d s e e m to m e t h a t t h e s o u n d of
m y c h a i n i n g w o u l d c o n s t i t u t e a faint r u d e n e s s after w h a t we
had done together.
T h e n e x t m o r n i n g , w h e n I o p e n e d t h e d o o r to t h e outside,
I w o u l d find a small white b u n d l e at m y feet. It w o u l d b e t h e
S u z a n n e V e g a t a p e w r a p p e d in o n e of t h e now-stiffened wash
cloths, with a n o t e saying, Take care of yourselfA.J.S.
w o u l d n ' t b e s u r e if this gift was m e a n t to show t h a t she knew

t h a t I was t h e o n e w h o h a d switched t h e t a p e s in t h e car, o r
w h e t h e r it was simply a friendly gesture. B u t I w o u l d take care
of myself, at least twice, b e f o r e driving b a c k to Boston.
T h a t was w h a t I p l a n n e d t o h a p p e n . W h a t did h a p p e n ,
t h o u g h , is t h a t after a n h o u r a n d a half o r so of steady driving
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o n t h e Mass Pike, a n h o u r a n d a half full of h o p e a n d keyedu p c o n c e n t r a t i o n , I saw a small twirling r e c t a n g u l a r s h a p e fly

o u t of Adele's car window.
She h a d n ' t liked it. H o w very sad a n d d i s a p p o i n t i n g . H a d
she listened to all of it a n d t h e n d e c i d e d she d i d n ' t like it, o r
h a d she h a t e d it so m u c h t h a t she h a d tossed it halfway
t h r o u g h ? I p u s h e d u p o n my glasses a n d c h e c k e d h e r c a r
stereo: yes, S u z a n n e Vega was b a c k in p l a c e . N o r were A d e l e ' s
n i p p l e s noticeably e r e c t u n d e r h e r p i n k floral sweater. W a s
she m a d e of stone} I m a g i n e h e r c h u c k i n g m y cassette right o u t
t h e window! H o u r s a n d h o u r s of work, all c u s t o m j o i n e r y , all
for her, dismissed. O f c o u r s e I h a d said t h a t she s h o u l d feel
free to d o that, b u t still, I h a d n ' t e x p e c t e d h e r to d o it. My
p r i d e was h u r t . I p a c e d a r o u n d in t h e tall grass w h e r e I
t h o u g h t I h a d seen t h e t a p e l a n d , b u t I c o u l d n ' t find it. A n d
I d i d n ' t w a n t to s p e n d m u c h t i m e o u t of t h e car, b e c a u s e t h e
grass I walked in h a d t h e s a m e disturbingly b l u r r e d quality
t h a t t h e r o a d h a d I felt I w o u l d inflict s o m e r e n d i n g injury
to t h e network of cosmic w o r m h o l e s if I walked o n t h e m e d i a n
strip for t o o l o n g . I started u p t i m e a n d d r o v e slowly, u n t i l
Adele was way a h e a d of m e . At t h e n e x t exit, I t u r n e d a r o u n d
a n d drove h o m e . W h e n I woke u p t h e n e x t m o r n i n g , m y
Fold-powers were g o n e .
/7\
16
T
JL-
HE WEEK FOLLOWING
MY FAILED DRIVE, I WORKED
FIFTEEN
h o u r s of o v e r t i m e at a c o n s u l t i n g firm. I was b o t h e r e d by a
p e r s i s t e n t tingly feeling in t h e base of my right p a l m a n d
i n c r e a s i n g p a i n in m y f o r e a r m . I n e e d e d at least a week off
from typing, b u t b e c a u s e m y F e r m a t a l visitation-rights were
n o w d e n i e d , I d i d n ' t get o n e .
W h a t was clearly a c a r p a l - t u n n e l p r o b l e m got q u i t e b a d
over t h e n e x t several m o n t h s . A n o v e r - t h e - c o u n t e r wrist b r a c e
d i d n ' t fit p r o p e r l y a n d m a d e t h e p a i n worse. I was able to
alleviate t h e s y m p t o m s a little by s l e e p i n g with my a r m e m
b r a c i n g a s p a r e pillow. After a particularly trying stint typing
a n e i g h t y - p a g e p r i c e list, I w e n t to C o m m o n h e a l t h a n d saw
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THE
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several n u r s e p r a c t i t i o n e r s a n d d o c t o r s . E a c h of t h e m t a p p e d
the inside of my wrist h a r d a n d asked w h a t it felt like. Every
diagnostic t a p f u r t h e r injured t h e nerve, it s e e m e d t o m e . I
went u p t h e c h a i n of specialists u n t i l I r e a c h e d t h e i n - h o u s e
repetitive-motion e x p e r t , Dr. S u s a n O r o w i t z - R u d m a n , a s h o r t
cheerful w o m a n of forty. I told h e r t h a t I was a c a r e e r t e m p
a n d t h a t I really h a d to b e a b l e to c o n t i n u e u s i n g t h e key
b o a r d . She was full of ideas a n d theories. I f o u n d h e r h y p h e n
ated n a m e powerfully attractive.
"Is t h e r e any o t h e r r e l a t e d repetitive m o t i o n t h a t y o u e n
gage i n ? " she asked. " O n e p a t i e n t of m i n e was a legal secre
tary a n d a fanatical bicyclist o n weekends, a n d it t u r n e d o u t
that it wasn't t h e typing b u t t h e c o m b i n a t i o n of t y p i n g a n d
p u l l i n g o n t h e h a n d - b r a k e s of h e r bicycle t h a t was c a u s i n g t h e
carpal flare. She switched to s w i m m i n g a n d t o o k a week off
from work a n d she was able to k e e p h e r j o b a n d n o t have t h e
o p e r a t i o n . I ' m h a p p y to do t h e o p e r a t i o n , " she a d d e d . " I t ' s
n o t a b i g deal, it's j u s t a m a t t e r of m a k i n g a little incision right
h e r e b u t I ' m j u s t saying t h a t s o m e t i m e s t h e r e a r e ways to
m a k e t h e p r o b l e m go away by itself."
I told h e r t h a t I s n a p p e d my fingers to m u s i c s o m e t i m e s ,
a n d t h a t I did s o m e writing of my o w n in t h e evenings a n d o n
weekends which a d d e d to t h e overall a m o u n t of t y p i n g I did.
" W h a t sort of writing d o you d o ? " she asked politely, n o t i n g
this down.
"Just stories. N o t h i n g p u b l i s h e d . B u t I get c a u g h t u p in it
a n d I k e e p typing a n d typing a n d typing. T h e w h o l e wrist
p r o b l e m has g o t t e n m u c h worse since I've s t a r t e d d o i n g it."
Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n talked a b o u t alternative keyboards
a n d a b o u t d i c t a t i n g my own writing a n d t h e n h a v i n g a friend
transcribe it. S h e suggested two weeks off from work. S h e also
spoke highly of m a n u a l typewriters: since they t o o k m o r e
257
NICHOLSON
BAKER
m u s c l e s t r e n g t h , they s e e m e d to b o t h e r t h e nerve less. S o m e

a n t h r o p o l o g y professor at H a r v a r d h a d g o n e back to his old
Olivetti p o r t a b l e a n d b e e n c u r e d completely. S h e described
s o m e r e s e a r c h she was d o i n g : " I ' m i n t e r e s t e d in d e v e l o p i n g a
wrist s e n s o r , " she said, " t h a t will work as a biofeedback device,
s i g n a l i n g t h e u s e r w h e n a m o t i o n is in p r o g r e s s t h a t is likely
to f u r t h e r inflame t h e nerve, b a s e d o n certain correlations.
B u t w h a t I ' m d o i n g n o w is n o t t h a t advanced, a l t h o u g h it's
q u i t e i n t e r e s t i n g I m e a n , of c o u r s e it is i n t e r e s t i n g to m e ,
b u t it c a n also b e i n t e r e s t i n g to my p a t i e n t s , a n d helpful. I ' m
trying to d e v e l o p a set of M R I m o t i o n studies for various
characteristic m o t i o n s , s u c h as t y p i n g a p a r t i c u l a r letter of t h e
a l p h a b e t , o p e n i n g a n oyster, salad p r e p , a n d so forth. W e use
s o m e t h i n g called a fast-pulse-sequence e c h o - p l a n a r MRI ma
c h i n e , w h i c h essentially shows t h e nerve r e s p o n d i n g to t h e
m o t i o n s as they p r o c e e d . W o u l d you b e interested in taking
part?"
" R e m i n d m e w h a t M R I is?"
"Magnetic Resonance Imaging."
" O h ! " I said. " B i g t i m e ! " Extremely flattered, I said I p r o b
ably w o u l d like to take p a r t . W e m a d e a n a p p o i n t m e n t . T h e n
s o m e t h i n g s u d d e n l y o c c u r r e d to m e t h a t I c o u l d n ' t resist
bringing up.
" W h a t I still d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d , " I said, "is why it's all h a p
p e n i n g exclusively in m y right wrist. S h o u l d n ' t I have a t o u c h
of it o n t h e left side?"
" A r e y o u a heavy u s e r of t h e b a c k s p a c e key?" she asked.
"Several of my p a t i e n t s have r e c o n f i g u r e d t h e i r keyboard so
t h a t they c o n t r o l l e d t h e b a c k s p a c e key with t h e i r left h a n d s ,
e l i m i n a t i n g t h a t c o n s t a n t r e a c h i n g u p with t h e little finger as
they c o r r e c t e d t h e i r typos, a n d they i m p r o v e d immediately."
" I n t e r e s t i n g . M a y b e t h a t ' s it," I said, n o d d i n g thoughtfully,
258
THE
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signaling t h a t I was t h i n k i n g of s o m e t h i n g else. " M a y b e t h a t ' s

it."
"Well? W h a t were you g o i n g to a t t r i b u t e it t o ? " t h e d o c t o r
asked.
" H o w shall I p u t this? T h e stories I write are q u i t e t h e y ' r e
p o r n o g r a p h i c stories."
S h e took this in. H e r face was sensual a n d intelligent a n d
canny. " I d o n ' t see why w h a t you write w o u l d m a k e a bit of
difference to y o u r wrist. A letter / is a letter / to t h e nerve
c o n c e r n e d , n o m a t t e r w h a t risqu t h i n g it h a p p e n s to b e
spelling."
" T h a t ' s right," I said eagerly, " a n d yet t h e letter e is t h e
m o s t f r e q u e n t letter in English, right? A n d t h e letter e is a
left-hand letter. So it s h o u l d b e as m u c h a left-wrist p r o b l e m
as a right-wrist p r o b l e m ! "
" T h a t ' s why I m e n t i o n e d t h e b a c k s p a c e key," t h e d o c t o r
e x p l a i n e d patiently. " O r it c o u l d easily b e t h e c u r s o r keys, o r
t h e m o u s e . T h e m o u s e gives p e o p l e terrible t r o u b l e . "
" I use h o t keys a l m o s t exclusively," I said haughtily.
"All I ' m saying is, you have to look very carefully at h o w y o u
really move at t h e k e y b o a r d a n d m a k e s o m e s u b t l e c h a n g e s .
P e o p l e t h i n k they c a n install a wrist p a d o r d o a few exercises
a n d everything will b e hunky-dory. It d o e s n ' t always work t h a t
way."
I looked at h e r n a m e - t a g . I liked very m u c h t h a t h e r first
n a m e was Susan. I said, "I'll d o that. B u t w h a t j u s t o c c u r r e d
to m e iswellI write
pornography"
"I know. S o ? "

"Well, as I write I often find t h a t I get myself in s o m e t h i n g
of a lather. I i m a g i n e s o m e o n e r e a d i n g it, y o u know, a female
s o m e o n e r e a d i n g it, a n d I find t h a t . . . " I h e l d my h a n d s o u t
as if w h a t I was g o i n g to say was self-evident.
259
NICHOLSON
BAKER
S u d d e n l y she u n d e r s t o o d a n d l a u g h e d . " A h , ah, ah. Y o u ' r e

j u s t trying to tell m e t h a t y o u m a s t u r b a t e while you write."
"Exactly," I said with relief. " W i t h my right h a n d . "
" C o n s t a n t l y ? A r e you constantly m a s t u r b a t i n g while you
write?"
" N o t constantly, n o . I'll type, say, a w o r d o r a p h r a s e a n d
t h e n m a s t u r b a t e a little, a n d t h e n a n o t h e r p h r a s e , m a s t u r b a t e
a little m o r e , like t h a t . "
" A r e these a l t e r n a t i n g sessions p r o t r a c t e d ? " asked Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n , after a p a u s e .
" S o m e t i m e s . I o n c e wrote a story o n t h e h o o d of a car for
twelve straight h o u r s . "
" M a s t u r b a t i n g i n t e r m i t t e n t l y t h e e n t i r e time? I take it you
were in a s e c l u d e d s p o t . "
" I t ' s a s p o t t h a t ' s accessible only to m e . "
"Good."
I gave h e r a n i n q u i r i n g look. "Is this a n a r e a t h a t you would
b e i n t e r e s t e d in s t u d y i n g ? " I asked her.
S h e l o o k e d skeptical at first, a n d t h e n m o r e interested.
"Well, y o u know, I have to a d m i t t h a t in t h e past I've h a d s o m e
fleeting
suspicions in t h a t direction. I m e a n , why s h o u l d n ' t
f r e q u e n t o r p r o l o n g e d m a s t u r b a t i o n a l episodes aggravate, o r
even cause, CTS? B u t u n t i l now, n o p a t i e n t has s p o n t a n e o u s l y
s u g g e s t e d it as a cause, a n d I've b e e n r e l u c t a n t to m e n t i o n it.
It's definitely w o r t h l o o k i n g i n t o . P e r h a p s we c o u l d scan you
as you . . ."
"Really?" I said. " Y o u ' d have m e p l e a s u r e myself in o n e of
t h o s e g i g a n t i c m a g n e t s ? T h e o n e s like i r o n lungs, t h a t take
p i c t u r e s of b r a i n t u m o r s ? "
"Well, why n o t ? " she said. " A n d y o u ' d u s e o u r d u m m y
keyboard, t o o . W e ' r e trying to s i m u l a t e real-life conditions.
W e u n f o r t u n a t e l y c a n ' t use real keyboards, b e c a u s e we c a n ' t
260
THE
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have any ferrous m e t a l within t h e m a g n e t . . . . Now, y o u d o n ' t

habitually m a s t u r b a t e w e a r i n g a s t u d d e d cock r i n g o r ball
separator, d o y o u ? "
"God no."
"Fine, b e c a u s e t h a t m i g h t c r e a t e real p r o b l e m s in a m a g
netic field of thirty t h o u s a n d times e a r t h gravity. S o I d o n ' t
want to p u t you o n t h e spot, b u t a r e y o u sincerely interested?
I ' m t h i n k i n g o u t l o u d now, which I d o n ' t n o r m a l l y d o , b u t my
sense is t h a t this c o u l d b e a n i m p o r t a n t n e w line of r e s e a r c h .
W h o knowsyou m i g h t m a k e The New England Journal
of
Medicine. Anonymously, of c o u r s e . "

"Well," I said, pleased, " I s u p p o s e if I c a n b e of s o m e small
h e l p to o t h e r s . . . "
A week later, I showed u p at t h e M R w i n g of C o m m o n h e a l t h ' s hospital at a q u a r t e r to six in t h e evening, after a n
u n t a x i n g day at a n a c c o u n t i n g firm. My a r m h u r t , w h i c h
pleased m e , b e c a u s e I felt t h a t I w a s n ' t w a s t i n g a n y o n e ' s t i m e .
I n a c o n f e r e n c e r o o m , Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n e x p l a i n e d in h e r
friendly, faintly ironic way w h a t was g o i n g to h a p p e n to m e :
s o m e reference d o t s were g o i n g to b e p a i n t e d o n m y a r m a n d
penis, so t h a t t h e i m a g i n g system c o u l d k e e p a fix o n these two
e l e m e n t s as I moved. S h e said s h e w a n t e d m e to type a n d
m a s t u r b a t e j u s t as I w o u l d in real life. S h e g o t u p , a n d t h e n
remembered something.
" O n e t h i n g I d o have to ask," she said. S h e l o o k e d t h r o u g h
s o m e drawers in t h e b a c k of t h e r o o m . " I ' m l o o k i n g for s o m e
t h i n g with a p a r t i c u l a r s h a p e , " she e x p l a i n e d . S h e h e l d u p a
t o n g u e depressor, b u t rejected it: " A little u n r o m a n t i c . I
s h o u l d have t h o u g h t to b r i n g in a p r o s t h e t i c p e n i s - f o r m of
some kind."
"I c o u l d j u s t show you m i n e , " I suggested.
" N o n o t h e n we have to get observers in h e r e a n d worry
26 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
a b o u t all sorts of t h i n g s . T h a n k s for offering, t h o u g h . Ah! This

will d o . " S h e b r o u g h t o u t a stick of lipstick from h e r p u r s e a n d
h a n d e d it to m e . " C a n y o u h o l d t h a t a n d show m e r o u g h l y
h o w y o u m a s t u r b a t e ? I realize t h a t it's a little smaller t h a n
you're used to."
I h e l d it a n d stroked it several ways.
" A h , " said t h e d o c t o r , " s o you u s e b o t h a fist grip a n d a
f i n g e r - a n d - t h u m b grip. T h a t ' s w h a t I w a n t e d to k n o w . " She
t a p p e d h e r lip, t h i n k i n g . " I d o n ' t w a n t to p r e j u d i c e you in
favor of e i t h e r o n e . I ' m g o i n g to have t o ask you to a n n o u n c e
w h e n you've switched from o n e to t h e o t h e r . It will m a k e it
easier for u s to get t h e i m a g i n g system to k e e p u p with you,
a n d eventually, of c o u r s e , to isolate which p a r t i c u l a r grip is
distressing y o u r nerve. I n fact, d o y o u t h i n k you w o u l d b e able
to offer a k i n d of r u n n i n g c o m m e n t a r y as you m a s t u r b a t e ?
Y o u c o u l d tell u s w h a t y o u a r e d o i n g , w h a t h u r t s , w h a t d o e s n ' t
hurtwhatever's going through your mind."
I said t h a t I w o u l d certainly try. S h e led m e to a n e x a m i n i n g
r o o m , w h e r e I c h a n g e d i n t o a h o s p i t a l gown. Two n u r s e s o r
t e c h n i c i a n s o r p o s t - d o c s p a i n t e d rows of silver dots u p my
f o r e a r m . T h e y p a i n t e d a silver s q u a r e over t h e inside of my
wrist. T h e n they lifted my gown.
" S h o u l d we t r i m h i m a little?" o n e of t h e technicians asked
t h e o t h e r . S h e l o o k e d at m e . S h e was C h i n e s e . " W e ' r e g o i n g
to t r i m y o u r p u b i c h a i r . "
I l o o k e d d o w n at it. " I t h a s g o t t e n a bit u n r u l y . " I c o u l d n ' t
r e m e m b e r t h e last t i m e I h a d t r i m m e d it; it c o u l d have b e e n
a d e c a d e earlier. T h e y p u l l e d o n t h e thick tufts a n d s n i p p e d
t h e m off. T h e n o n e s t r e t c h e d my p e n i s a n d p a i n t e d a silver
d o t o n its c i r c u m c i s i o n ridge. P a i n t b r u s h hovering, she be
c a m e u n c e r t a i n . S h e called in Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n . T h e
t h r e e of t h e m c o n f e r r e d in low tones.
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T h e d o c t o r p u t a h a n d o n my a r m a n d smiled at m e . "Will
you m a s t u r b a t e j u s t a little n o w ? " she asked. " D o n ' t g o h o g
wild. W e j u s t n e e d y o u to b e fully e r e c t to g e t t h e r e f e r e n c e
dots o n y o u r p e n i s s p a c e d p r o p e r l y . "
" O h , sorry. Sure. J u s t take a sec."
" F i n e . " Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n left.
I stroked my yokel while t h e two a t t e n d a n t s waited. I n o
ticed with s o m e satisfaction t h a t they s e e m e d t o a p p r e c i a t e its
size a n d girth a n d garish c o l o r a t i o n . (It is, I think, a m o r e
h a n d s o m e p e n i s t h a n I deserve.)
O n e c r a d l e d it gently while t h e o t h e r p a i n t e d t h e silver d o t s
d o w n t h e u n d e r s i d e a n d t h e t o p , m e a s u r i n g t h e i r distances
carefully. T h e soft c o n t a c t of t h e b r u s h was s o o t h i n g .
T h e y b r o u g h t m e t h r o u g h t h e c o n t r o l r o o m to t h e d o o r
into t h e scan r o o m . " G o o d luck," said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n ,
waving. S h e sat at a table with two m o n i t o r s o n it, a t h r e e - r i n g
b i n d e r o p e n before her. A w i n d o w l o o k e d t h r o u g h s o m e sort
of fine-mesh screen i n t o t h e r o o m with t h e m a g n e t in it. T h e
t e c h n i c i a n s t o p p e d m e . " Y o u r watch h a s to c o m e off." S h e
p o i n t e d to a p o s t e r with a n u m b e r of f o r b i d d e n objects pic
t u r e d with r e d b a r s across t h e m f i r e e x t i n g u i s h e r s , p a c e m a k
ers, watches, steel skull-plates, a n y t h i n g metallic, evidently.
T h e s c a n n e r s t o o d in t h e m i d d l e of a large e m p t y r o o m . It
was a n e n o r m o u s white edifice, like a very thick wall, with a
large h o l e r u n n i n g t h r o u g h it i n t o w h i c h p a t i e n t s were slid o n
a gantry. S o m e t h i n g was m a k i n g a g r e a t d e a l of fairly u n p l e a s
a n t noise. I r e m o v e d my gown a n d lay d o w n o n t h e p a d . A
d u m m y c o m p u t e r k e y b o a r d was p l a c e d o n m y s t o m a c h a n d I
was slid headfirst i n t o t h e b o r e of t h e s u p e r c o n d u c t i n g m a g
net.
" C a n you h e a r m e , A r n o ? " I h e a r d Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n
say t h r o u g h t h e i n t e r c o m .
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I said t h a t I c o u l d .
" G o o d . Give u s a few m i n u t e s to get t h i n g s set in h e r e
b e f o r e you start. A r e you c o m f o r t a b l e ? "
" I a m . It's very vaginal in h e r e , d o c t o r , in a s m o o t h - m u s c l e
sort of way. Is t h e m a g n e t o n ? "
"Yes, it's always o n , " she said.
" I e x p e c t e d to feel c l a u s t r o p h o b i c , b u t oddly, I ' m not.
T h e r e was this guy in college . . . excuse m e I ' l l s h u t u p while
you get set u p . "
" N o , g o o n , " said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n . " T h e technicians
a r e g e t t i n g set u p I ' m j u s t o b s e r v i n g at this p o i n t . "
" W h a t is all this t i r e s o m e n o i s e ? " I asked.
" T h a t ' s t h e c o o l a n t . T h e m a g n e t h a s to b e k e p t very cool,
a n d t h e c o o l a n t h a s to b e p u m p e d a r o u n d . "
" I see. Well, t h e r e was this guy in c o l l e g e " T h e r e was this
guy in college, I said, w h o u s e d to m i m e i n s e r t i n g o n e finger
in a w o m a n ' s v a d g e , t h e n two, t h e n four, saying, "Yeah, baby.
Really? M o r e ? " T h e n t h e w h o l e h a n d w o u l d go in, t h e n his
a r m u p to t h e elbow, t h e n u p to t h e s h o u l d e r ; t h e n h e would
slide his o t h e r a r m in, still saying, " M o r e ? You sure, baby?
O k a y . " H e w o u l d p l a c e his h e a d at t h e o p e n i n g of t h e imagi
n a r y v a d g e a n d strainingly p u s h u p , t u r n i n g his face, a n d
s u d d e n l y his g r i m a c i n g h e a d w o u l d slide in alongside his
a r m s , a n d finally h e w o u l d s q u i r m as m u c h of his b o d y into
t h e vaginal c a n a l as h e c o u l d fit. " I feel a little like I've j u s t
d o n e t h a t , " I e x p l a i n e d . " I ' m in this h u g e electrovagnet. It
isn't w o m b l i k e , " I b a b b l i n g l y h a s t e n e d to qualify. "It's purely
vaginal."
" I n t e r e s t i n g , " I h e a r d Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n say absently.
S h e h a d n ' t b e e n listening. S h e said s o m e t h i n g I c o u l d n ' t
c a t c h to o n e of h e r associates, t h e n I h e a r d h e r say, "We are?
O k a y . " T h e n she a d d r e s s e d m e in h e r p l e a s a n t Susan Stam264
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b e r g voice: "All right, A r n o . First we're g o i n g to get y o u to u s e

the keyboard a little bit. I ' m g o i n g to r e a d y o u a s e n t e n c e , a n d
you type it. Ready?"
I said I was ready.
" T h e c u r e . . .' " she r e a d .
I typed. " O k a y . "
" '. . . for t h e greatest p a r t . . .' "
I typed. " G o t it."
"
. . of h u m a n miseries . . .' "
I typed. " O k a y . "

" '. . . is n o t radical
"Yep."
" '. . . b u t palliative.' P e r i o d . G o o d . T h a n k s . T h a t ' s o u r
baseline s e n t e n c e . Now, A r n o , I w a n t y o u t o go a h e a d a n d u s e
the keyboard for a b o u t five m i n u t e s to w a r m u p t h e n e r v e . "
"Just type a n y t h i n g ? " I asked.
" R i g h t , " said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n . " I c a n r e a d you s o m e
t h i n g if you would like, o r you c a n m a k e it u p . It w o u l d b e nice
if it were similar to t h e t y p i n g you n o r m a l l y d o , b u t t h a t
d o e s n ' t m a t t e r all t h a t m u c h . It has to b e in English, t h o u g h . "
"Why?"
"So t h a t t h e letter-frequencies a r e r e p r e s e n t a t i v e . "
"I see. N o p r o b l e m , " I said. I b e g a n to type, in t h e selfconscious way p e o p l e d o w h e n t h e y ' r e t e s t i n g typewriters a n d
c o m p u t e r s at a store, t h o u g h in my case t h e w o r d s I was typing
were n o t b e i n g r e c o r d e d anywhere. It's strange to be typing here
in this magnet, I clicked o u t o n t h e keys. But I kind of like it. I've
never typed supine before. I recommend it to all interested
This keyboard has a nice sloppy feel, probably
parties.
because it's been
messed with inside and doesn 't work. Feels like some of the old Wang
keyboards. Since it is dysfunctional,
I suppose I can type anything
I want. Doctor Susan could possibly follow my fingers on a video

265
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BAKER
monitor to find out what I'm typing, or study the tape later, but I
doubt very much she'll bother. She's cheerfully all business. She
really attracts me. That's not surprisingit
is much more surpris
ing to me when a woman fails to attract me than when she does

attract me. Very occasionally I meet a woman and afterward I think,
That's incrediblenothing
about that woman attracted me. It al
most never happens. All women merit love and constancy.

true. All women should be loved by someone good and
That's
dependable
and honest. I am good, I think, but I am not honest or dependable,

so I have to pass lovingly through their lives without their knowing
I have been there. Man I like Dr. Susan's tits under that lab coat,
with that name pinned on one. Short funny forty-year-old
women
with big tits should reign supreme. Or if I could just cycle between
silky-voiced tall women with small tits and short happy women with
big titsplus
dium-sized
medium-sized
affectionately sexy women with me
tits and short women with small tits and southern ac
cents, and medium-sized
women with small tits and
Hispanic
accentsnow there would be a life. I like the fact that Dr. Susan
doesn't know that I'm typing how much I'd like her to squat over
me and rip open the white cotton crotch of her black pantyhose and
grind her salty puss into my face. I s t o p p e d p r e tend-typing. "Is
t h a t e n o u g h ? " I asked.
Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n said, " T h a t ' s plenty. We've got a g o o d
fix o n y o u r nerve now. C a n you type t h e reference s e n t e n c e
again? Y o u r e m e m b e r ? "
" S o r r y , " I said, " I t h i n k I forgot it."
" ' T h e c u r e for t h e g r e a t e s t . . . p a r t of h u m a n . . . miseries
is n o t radical . . .' "
" '. . . b u t palliative,' " I finished, e a g e r to p r o v e to h e r that
I was n o clerical r o b o t , b u t r a t h e r a typist w h o reflected o n
whatever h e was asked to type. " G o t it."
" H o w a b o u t p a i n levels?" she asked.
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I s n a p p e d my finger several times to test h o w my wrist felt.

"I feel t h e u s u a l t i n g l i n g in t h e base of m y p a l m a n d s o m e
significant f o r e a r m involvement."
" F i n e , " she said. " W e c a n go b a c k to t h e k e y b o a r d later if
we n e e d to. I w a n t you to p u t it aside now. G o o d . E x c e p t for
your a r m p a i n , are you c o m f o r t a b l e ? A r e y o u r e a d y to start
masturbating?"
I told h e r I was.
"Okay, in j u s t a m i n u t e I'll ask you to start."
I lay at p e a c e , with my h a n d s r e s t i n g o n m y chest. I h e a r d
s o m e m o r e m u r m u r e d conversation o n t h e i n t e r c o m , t h e n ,
" A r n o , why d o n ' t you go a h e a d a n d start."
" C a n I lift my k n e e s ? "
" C a n h e lift his k n e e s ? " I h e a r d h e r ask. T h e n : " B e t t e r n o t .
W e lose you o n o n e of t h e axial m o n i t o r s . Is it g o i n g to b e a
p r o b l e m to p r o c e e d with y o u r legs flat?"
" N o t at allit's fine," I said. " C a n you see m e ? I m e a n , n o t
my nerves, b u t m e ? "
"Yes. W e have several video m o n i t o r s in a d d i t i o n to t h e M R
image."
" O h , " I said.
"Be sure to let us know any c h a n g e s in t h e p a i n y o u feel,"
she said. " K e e p a r u n n i n g c o m m e n t a r y , if y o u c a n . "
I hesitated, t h e n p l u n g e d a h e a d . " T h e p r o b l e m is t h a t t h e
pleasure from o n e source masks t h e p a i n from t h e o t h e r
s o u r c e , " I said. " I t h i n k t h a t ' s p a r t of t h e r e a s o n it's g o t t e n
this b a d . But, okay, I ' m t o u c h i n g m y p e n i l e o r g a n now. I
have it, as I guess you c a n see, in t h e t h u m b - a n d - f i n g e r grip
that we discussed. W e m i g h t call it t h e K o k o m o grip. I ' m
b e g i n n i n g to t u g o n it slowly, u s i n g t h e K o k o m o grip, a n d at
the m o m e n t I feel n o distinct painwell, t h e r e is a w a r m
twinge, b u t n o t h i n g b a d . " Since I h a d avoided all o r g a s m s for
267
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h r e e days, I e x p e c t e d to have little t r o u b l e g e t t i n g h o t a n d

nasty, even e n v e l o p e d as I was in a n e l e c t r o m a g n e t i c field so
powerful t h a t it c o u l d potentially suck oxygen tanks a n d scis
sors a n d o t h e r ferrous objects lethally i n t o t h e c h a m b e r with
m e . W h e n I was fully erect, I h e l d my richard vertically for a
m o m e n t by its base, w a n t i n g everyone in t h e c o n t r o l r o o m to
get a n eyeful of it o n t h e m o n i t o r s .
" H o l d t h a t for a s e c o n d , " said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n , u n e x
pectedly. " D o n ' t m o v e . W e n e e d to get a fix o n t h o s e R-points.
J u s t h o l d still. G o o d . Great. G o o d . You still c o m f o r t a b l e ? "
"I think so."
" G o o d . Y o u s e e m c o m f o r t a b l e . N o w we n e e d to get a few
motion-profiles. T h i s is a n entirely new repetitive m o t i o n for
t h e r e a l - t i m e t r a c k i n g system, so you have to b e a r with us,
please. T h e software is g o i n g to t e a c h itself to follow y o u r a r m .
Okayfirst will y o u go a h e a d a n d m a s t u r b a t e slowly, j u s t as
y o u w o u l d typically d o it p e r h a p s in a n early p h a s e . "
" I n a n early p h a s e . . . " I m u s e d . " P r o b a b l y I w o u l d c h a n g e
to t h e tight-fisted grip. A n d p r o b a b l y I'd squeeze it h a r d while
I p u m p e d it very slowly u p a n d down. Like this." I p a r t e d my
legs, so t h a t my feet r e s t e d o n t h e curving, culvert-like walls of
t h e m a g n e t ' s b o r e , a n d p u m p e d . " O o o , I like to feel t h e little
h o l e get p u l l e d o p e n w h e n I p u m p . "
" G r e a t , t h a n k s . O k a y . " T h e r e was m o r e m u r m u r i n g a m o n g
t h e r e s e a r c h e r s . I loved b e i n g studied. I loved t h a t my simple
s e l f - p u m p i n g p l e a s u r e was g o i n g to yield scientific results. Dr.
O r o w i t z - R u d m a n c a m e b a c k o n a n d said, " A r n o , n o w c o u l d
you s t i m u l a t e y o u r p e n i s fast?"
" H o w fast?"
"As fast as y o u n o r m a l l y m i g h t . W e w a n t to b e sure we d o n ' t
lose t h e i m a g e w h e n y o u get s e r i o u s . "
" I u n d e r s t a n d . " I p o u n d e d my cock as if I were s h a k i n g a
268
THE
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daiquiri in a busy bar, as if I were a p p l a u d i n g after a marvel

ous p e r f o r m a n c e of Ravel's Mother Goose Suite, as if I were
playing t h e only m a r a c a in a salsa b a n d . My b o d y b o u n c e d
a n d flopped o n t h e vinyl p a d s .
" W h o a , " said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n .
" C o u l d you track t h a t ? " I asked.
" N o way," she said. " G o slower. Slower."
"How about that?"
" N o p e . Slower. Slower. Slower still. Slower. T h e r e ! T h a t ' s
the fastest you c a n go. Is t h a t g o i n g to b e fast e n o u g h ? "
I m a d e a d o u b t f u l noise. " T h a t is awfully slow. I s n ' t t h a t
a b o u t how slow I was g o i n g w h e n y o u asked m e to d e m o n
strate my slow speed? I really honestly d o n ' t k n o w t h a t I will
b e able to c o m e g o i n g t h a t slow."
T h e r e was s o m e i n a u d i b l e c o n f e r r i n g o n t h e i r side of t h e
i n t e r c o m . T h e n Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n said, " O k a y , t h a t ' s fine,
A r n o . N o t to worry. Give us a second. W e ' r e g o i n g to try
s o m e t h i n g different. J u s t h a n g o n for a m o m e n t . "
" O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , " I a d d e d in a t h o u g h t f u l t o n e . " I
guess you d o n ' t need m e to c o m e , right? T h e r e is n o real
r e a s o n why I n e e d to c o m e for this m o t i o n study. H o w selfc e n t e r e d of m e . "
Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n ' s voice c a m e o n . " O n t h e contrary, I
think it's crucial for t h e success of this p r e l i m i n a r y study t h a t
you m a s t u r b a t e straight t h r o u g h . You yourself a l l u d e d to t h e
r e a s o n why j u s t a m o m e n t a g o . As y o u a p p r o a c h climax, you
will b e feeling s u c h p l e a s u r e a n d s t r o k i n g y o u r p e n i s so fast
t h a t you'll b e m u c h m o r e likely to t r a u m a t i z e t h e nerves h e a t h w i t h o u t k n o w i n g it."
" Y o u ' r e q u i t e right," I said. " I d o have to c o m e . "
"Just give us a n o t h e r s e c o n d to t u n e t h e g a t e - a n d - c o r r e l a t e
software. You s e e , " she e x p l a i n e d , "we have to b e a b l e to stay
269
NICHOLSON
BAKER
fixed o n precisely t h e s a m e cross-section of o n e tiny r e g i o n in

y o u r a r m , n o m a t t e r h o w fast you m o v e o r h o w you t u r n ,
w h i c h is n o easy task. W e d o it with t h e h e l p of a n entirely
s e p a r a t e o p t i c a l t r a c k i n g system. T h e optical system, by t h e
way, i n c o r p o r a t e s s o m e h a r d w a r e t h a t was originally devel
o p e d by M a r t i n M a r i e t t a for o n e of t h e Defense D e p a r t m e n t ' s
t a r g e t r e c o g n i t i o n p r o g r a m s . It d o e s two h u n d r e d a n d fifty
c o m p a r e s a s e c o n d , which is very fastit s h o u l d b e fast
e n o u g h for this a p p l i c a t i o n . "
" S o I w o u l d n ' t b e h e r e n a k e d , d o i n g this, if it w e r e n ' t for
t h e D e p a r t m e n t of D e f e n s e ? " I said. " T h e r e y o u go. W h o says
military r e s e a r c h d o e s n ' t have h u m a n i t a r i a n payoffs?"
" B e a r with u s for j u s t a little l o n g e r , A r n o , " said Dr. O r o
w i t z - R u d m a n . I gave my r i c h a r d a c o u p l e of m a i n t e n a n c e
strokes every fifteen s e c o n d s o r so. Finally I h e a r d h e r say,
" O k a y , w e ' r e set. Y o u m a y start a c t u a l m a s t u r b a t i o n at any
time."
"Okay, I ' m s t a r t i n g , " I said. " I ' m back to t h e K o k o m o grip.
It d o e s n ' t feel all t h a t g r e a t y e t I ' m d o i n g it b e c a u s e I know
it will feel g o o d very shortly. T h e r e is s o m e definite tinglinga c t i o n in my fingers. I'll give you a play-by-play. T h i s is great
to b e allowed to j e r k off in a fucking m e g a - m a g n e t like this.
I j u s t k n o w I ' m g o i n g to b e a different p e r s o n after I c o m e in
this b i g - m a m a m a g n e t . F o c u s it right o n my b i g dick. Par
d o n m y l a n g u a g e : if you w a n t m e to talk while I d o it, I ' m
g o i n g to have to talk dirty. You k n o w w h a t it r e m i n d s m e of?
Zardoz. Zardoz is a movie with S e a n C o n n e r y . T h e s e s u p e r i o r
b e i n g s b r i n g C o n n e r y i n t o t h e i r ship, a n d t h e w o m a n s u p e r i o r
b e i n g w h o is in c h a r g e of r e s e a r c h i n g h i m tries to find o u t
w h a t m a k e s his h e a r t b e a t faster. T h e y project various sexual
i m a g e s o n a screen in t h e s p a c e s h i p to see how h e will
r e a c t a p a i r of breasts b e i n g s o a p e d u p , for e x a m p l e . His
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THE
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brain-wave levels r e m a i n utterly c a l m a n d u n m o v e d . A n d t h e n

C o n n e r y looks straight at h e r , at t h e w o m a n r e s e a r c h e r , a n d
instantly t h e EEG oscilloscopes start h o p p i n g a n d b e e p i n g
right off t h e c h a r t . So it's t h e s u p e r i o r being who gets h i m wild.
Now, it seems a little i m p l a u s i b l e t o m e t h a t t h e s o a p e d - u p
breasts w o u l d d o n o t h i n g at all for C o n n e r y t h e y certainly
did s o m e t h i n g for m e w h e n I saw this movie b a c k in t h e
seventies. I h a v e n ' t seen it since a n d yet I r e m e m b e r it as t h e
finest footage of s o a p e d - u p breasts I've ever seen, partly b e
cause it was so teasingly q u i c k . "
" A r n o t h e p a i n in y o u r a r m , " said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n .
" W h a t is its status?"
" S o n y . I ' m e x p e r i e n c i n g a little m o r e p a i n j u s t above m y
wrist, a n d a cold feeling in m y h a n d . B u t it h u r t s g o o d , it's well
worth it. I ' m g o i n g to shift to t h e fist-fucking g r i p . Yeah, there
we go. Yeah! T o c o m e for you h e r e this evening, I t h i n k I ' m
g o i n g to a d a p t t h a t scene in Zardoz: I ' m g o i n g to t h i n k of a
guy w h o is asked to m a s t u r b a t e inside a h u g e m a g n e t i c t u n n e l
while t h r e e w o m e n s u p e r i o r b e i n g s observe his c a r p a l t u n n e l .
T h e y are interested in d e t e r m i n i n g with scientific c e r t i t u d e
w h e t h e r his m a s t u r b a t i o n c o n t r i b u t e s to his n e r v o u s inflam
m a t i o n . It a l m o s t certainly d o e s , b u t they w a n t to c a p t u r e t h e
i m a g e s of t h e p o o r frail nerve l e a d i n g t o his h a n d g e t t i n g
squeezed a n d t r a u m a t i z e d as h e gives himself p l e a s u r e . T h e y
are trying o u t s o m e b r a n d - n e w fancy software t h a t focuses t h e
m a g n e t i c field in a new way. T h i s software uses s o m e tricks
refined over at C E R N , in fact. B u t this n e w software h a s a b u g ;
it has a serious u n i n t e n d e d side-effect o n this m a s t u r b a t i n g
m a n . T h e y t r i m his p u b i c hair, they d o t his dick in a tribal
p a t t e r n , they shove h i m in t h e m a g n e t , a n d they tell h i m to
start j a c k i n g off, a n d t h e n , as his h a n d is shuffling s m o o t h l y
u p a n d d o w n o n his penis, s o m e k i n d of bizarre, a n o m a l o u s
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m i c r o - f u n n e l develops in t h e universal c o r e of time. A c h r o n o m a l y . W i t h i n t h e m a g n e t , t i m e is sucked in o n itself a n d

twisted a n d c o m p r e s s e d in s u c h a way t h a t t h e m a n ' s n e r v e
w h i c h is w h e r e all t h e analytic s t r e n g t h of t h e r e s o n a t i n g
system is f o c u s e d h i s nerve acquires t h e ability to stop a n d
start t i m e ' s p r o g r e s s at will. W h a t h a p p e n s is: t h e m a n ' s a r m
h e a t s u p for a s e c o n d , tingling, as if it's in a microwave o n
defrost, a n d t h e n h e discovers t h a t h e c a n p u t h u m a n i t y o n
h o l d every t i m e h e s n a p s his m i d d l e finger. H e lets go of his
dick a n d h e tries it o u t . Like this:
snap"
I s n a p p e d my fingers. At o n c e I was lying in c o m p l e t e

e u p h o r i c silence. My Fold-powers were back.
I crawled o u t of t h e m a c h i n e a n d walked n a k e d into t h e
c o n t r o l r o o m , m y weighty r i c h a r d l e a d i n g t h e way. Dr. O r o
w i t z - R u d m a n was w e a r i n g h e a d p h o n e s . S h e was l e a n i n g back
in h e r chair, h e r h a n d r e s t i n g thoughtfully o n h e r m o u t h ,
frowning in c o n c e n t r a t i o n at a m o n i t o r t h a t showed a n i m a g e
of m e lying feet first, legs p a r t e d , with my h a n d c l u t c h i n g my
e r e c t i o n . I ' d n e v e r seen myself from t h a t a n g l e before. It
was n o t a p r e t t y sight. O n e of t h e associates was sitting at t h e
o t h e r large m o n i t o r , w h i c h showed a l o n g glowing t h i n g t h a t
was a p p a r e n t l y t h e nerve in my wrist d o n e u p in t h e usual
intense greens and blues and oranges. T h e other woman, the
C h i n e s e w o m a n , was s t a n d i n g b e h i n d Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n ,
looking on.
I knelt a n d o p e n e d Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n ' s lab coat a n d
p u l l e d h e r r i b b e d g r e e n t u r t l e n e c k o u t of h e r p a n t s . I
b u n c h e d it u p at h e r c o l l a r b o n e a n d p u l l e d t h e c u p s of h e r
b r a d o w n so h e r n i p p l e s p o p p e d o u t . T h e y were erect, I was
p l e a s e d to n o t i c e , a n d surprisingly dark, like two Raisinets. " I
c a n ' t h e l p itI n e e d to suck y o u r tits," I said to her, a n d I did,
tactfully, untheatrically. I wrote, " T h a n k s , " o n a white Post-It
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n o t e a n d stuck it o n h e r left breast. T h e n I p u t h e r c l o t h e s

back in o r d e r a n d w e n t b a c k in t h e scan r o o m a n d c l i m b e d
into t h e m a g n e t a n d r e s u m e d my f o r m e r p o s i t i o n . I s n a p p e d
my fingers again. T h e noise of t h e c o o l a n t s t a r t e d b a c k u p .
Immediately
heard
Dr.
Orowitz-Rudman
exclaim,
" W h o o p s ! Lost o u r fix. A r n o , we lost o u r fix o n you. W h a t

h a p p e n e d in t h e r e ? "
" I s n a p p e d my
fingers."
"Okay, look, please d o n ' t d o that. T h e r e a r e limits to o u r

tracking system. J u s t k e e p s t r o k i n g y o u r p e n i s if y o u c a n . "
" H o w m u c h l o n g e r d o you w a n t m e to c o n t i n u e ? " I asked.
I was j u b i l a n t at h a v i n g my powers back.
" H o w m u c h p a i n a r e you i n ? " she asked.
" M m m , this is a b o u t as painful as it g e t s t i n g l i n g u p my
whole f o r e a r m , " I r e p o r t e d .
"I t h i n k you s h o u l d go a h e a d a n d c l i m a x s o o n . I t h i n k we've
got e n o u g h n o w to g e n e r a t e q u i t e a t h o r o u g h n e u r a l c o n d u c
tivity profile."
"You want m e to c o m e for y o u ? " T h e f o u l - p a t t e r u r g e was
rising in m e .
"Yes," she said neutrally.
"You want it? Y o u w a n t to see it? O h , G o d , I w a n t to give
it to you. T h i s guy, this guy w h o ' s in t h e MRI m a c h i n e , h e
snaps his fingers a n d t i m e stops. H e u n d e r s t a n d s w h a t ' s g o i n g
o n , h e ' s n o t freaked, b e c a u s e it h a p p e n e d o n c e b e f o r e w h e n
s o m e b o d y p u t a s a m p l e of his b l o o d in a c e n t r i f u g e a n d s p u n
it very fast a n d t i m e was i n t e r r u p t e d . So t i m e is s t o p p e d , a n d
h e crawls o u t of t h e m a c h i n e , n a k e d , j e r k i n g o n his b i g swol
len dick-knob, a n d h e s c a m p e r s i n t o t h e c o n t r o l r o o m a n d h e
throws back t h e d o c t o r ' s lab c o a t a n d pulls u p h e r shirt a n d
brings h e r tits o u t a n d h e laps at t h e m . T h a t ' s w h a t h e ' s
w a n t e d from t h e m o m e n t h e saw her, h e ' s w a n t e d to suckle
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NICHOLSON
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t h o s e h a r d little n i p p l e s with his m o u t h o h , m a n , m a - h a - h a ha-han"

" A little slower if you c a n , A r n o , " said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n
gently. " T h e i m a g e is d e g r a d i n g . "
" I forgot. I'll try. I'll try. A n d so t h e n h e p u t s h e r tits back
in h e r b r a a n d tucks h e r shirt in a n d s c a m p e r s back into t h e
m a g n e t a n d h e lies t h e r e o n t h e p a d j u s t w h e r e h e was a n d
s n a p s his fingers, a n d t i m e starts u p again, a n d h e lies t h e r e
t h i n k i n g of t h e tits h e h a s j u s t sucked o n , h o w great they felt
in his h a n d s , a n d it's s u c h a t r e m e n d o u s t h o u g h t t h a t h e has
to c o m e , h e d o e s n ' t c a r e h o w m u c h it h u r t s o h , t h a t ' s right.
I w a n t to c o m e inside y o u r m a g n e t , d o c t o r . It h u r t s , b u t I
d o n ' t care. I like y o u to take all kinds of g r a p h i c pictures of
my nerve while I p u m p this h o t nasty piece of m e a t off for you.
I like b e i n g h a r d a n d h o t in y o u r core. O h , doctor. Doctor?
I've got to call y o u S u s a n w h e n I c o m e . Sorry. Is t h a t okay?"
" T h a t ' s okay," said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n . "Just try to stroke
a little slower, if it's at all p o s s i b l e . "
" O h , t h a n k you. O h Susan, o h Susan, o h Susan, uff, uffuck.
Tell m e you w a n t to see m e c o m e . I w a n t to h e a r you say it."
I h e a r d only silence over t h e i n t e r c o m , a n d t h e n : "As I said
before, I d o t h i n k it's i m p o r t a n t for you to c l i m a x . "
" I will climax, you bet, you got it. I ' m g o i n g to t h i n k of y o u r
tits a n d climax. O h , you gave m e y o u r lipstick to h o l d . T h a t
was so g o o d of you. I wish I could've circled y o u r lips a n d
n i p p l e s with it. O h t h a t feels nice. Squeeze my m e a t , Susan.
S q u e e z e it in y o u r b i g m a g n e t i c h o l e . O p e n t h a t h o l e u p for
m e . Suck m e in, baby. O h G o d yeah. T i g h t e n t h a t force down
o n m y cock, uffuck. Uffuck. H e r e it is: o h yeah, o h fuck yeah.
O h yeah! UrrrrrF' I let t h e c o m e s h o t s j u m p u p a n d l a n d o n
m y s t o m a c h muscles. I lay t h e r e for w h a t s e e m e d like a l o n g
t i m e , b r e a t h i n g peacefully. " A m I d o n e ? " I beatifically asked
at last.
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THE
FERMATA
"Almost," said Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n . " N o r m a l l y , at this

p o i n t m i g h t you r e s u m e writing?"
"If I'd b e e n a l t e r n a t i n g writing a n d j a c k i n g , yes."
" T h e n c o u l d you type t h e baseline s e n t e n c e a g a i n ? " she
said. " I t m i g h t b e useful to have. R e m e m b e r it? T h e c u r e . . . ' ? "
" D o n ' t tell m e ! " I p u t t h e fake k e y b o a r d o n my chest, avoid
i n g t h e s p e r m , a n d typed t h e s e n t e n c e from m e m o r y .
T h e technicians d r a g g e d m e o u t o n t h e g a n t r y a n d h a n d e d
m e a b r o w n p a p e r towel. I sat u p , feeling a little sleepy a n d
dazed, a n d p u t o n my gown. I n t h e c o n t r o l r o o m , Dr. OrowitzR u d m a n m e t m e a n d led m e to t h e r o o m w h e r e my c l o t h e s
were.
"I t h i n k t h a t w e n t well, d o n ' t y o u ? " she said.
" I ' m sorry I fixated so totally o n y o u . "
" D o n ' t a p o l o g i z e , " she said. " W e were fixated o n you, you
were fixated o n u s . "
"It's j u s t t h a t a w o m a n d o c t o r asking m e to m a s t u r b a t e is
like a d r e a m c o m e t r u e . . . "
" I u n d e r s t a n d l e t ' s n o t b e l a b o r it. My only r e g r e t is t h a t
t h e i m a g i n g system c o u l d n ' t q u i t e k e e p u p with y o u a n d I h a d
to keep telling you to slow d o w n . I h o p e you h a d a n okay
o r g a s m even so?"
" O h , it was a d a n d y . N o , t h a t was fine t h a t y o u told m e to
slow downslow is g o o d . "
S h e told m e t h a t I c o u l d set u p a n a p p o i n t m e n t with h e r in
several weeks to g o over t h e nerve-profiles. " B u t from w h a t I
saw o n t h e m o n i t o r s , I w o u l d suggest t h a t you switch t o y o u r
left h a n d if you w a n t to get rid of y o u r c a r p a l - t u n n e l p r o b
lem."
"I'll b e g i n t o m o r r o w , " I said. " T h a n k you, d o c t o r . " I
c o u l d n ' t quite say " S u s a n " at this p o i n t .
" T h a n k you for t a k i n g p a r t , " she said. W e s h o o k h a n d s .
T h e n , smiling, she s n a p p e d h e r fingers. "Just like t h a t ? "
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" R i g h t , j u s t like t h a t , " I said, pleased. I s n a p p e d my fingers

for her, a n d while she s t o o d fixedly, still in t h e midst of h e r
g o o d - n a t u r e d , faintly flirtatious leave-taking smile, I kissed
h e r n a m e - t a g a n d r e m o v e d t h e white Post-It n o t e from inside
h e r b r a . It w o u l d only have p e r p l e x e d a n d d i s t u r b e d h e r to
discover it stuck to h e r b r e a s t ( t h a t soft, heavy, s o m e w h a t
sticky breast) t h a t evening. A n d w h a t if she t o o k off h e r b r a in
front of h e r h u s b a n d , a n d h e n o t i c e d it t h e r e before she
d i d a n o t e saying THANKS o n h e r breast? It w o u l d have
c a u s e d needless suffering.
T o r e c u p e r a t e from t h e e x p e r i m e n t , I s p e n t t h e n e x t five
days s n a p p e d i n t o t h e Fold r e a d i n g Louisa May Alcott; I
d i d n ' t g o n e a r a c o m p u t e r k e y b o a r d o r my p e n i s t h e whole
t i m e . My wrist p a i n , w h i c h at first was so b a d I c o u l d barely
o p e n a p i e c e of j u n k mail, m o d e r a t e d considerably. I bor
r o w e d a friend's H e r m e s m a n u a l p o r t a b l e a n d u s e d it to d o
s o m e of my creative r o t t i n g ; t h e d e e p e r keystrokes were, as Dr.
O r o w i t z - R u d m a n h a d suggested, a kind of physical therapy.
A n d I d i d briefly try to t e a c h myself to j a c k ambidickstrously,
b u t I failed: m y left h a n d simply d i d n o t feel g o o d e n o u g h .
After a m o n t h , I called Dr. O r o w i t z - R u d m a n to s c h e d u l e a
follow-up visit. S h e called m e b a c k t h a t evening. I told h e r t h a t
my wrist was d o i n g a lot better, t h a n k s to her. I asked h e r how
t h e m o t i o n studies were g o i n g , a n d she said they were g o i n g
well.
"We've d e c i d e d to focus o n k e y b o a r d p r o b l e m s for now,
t h o u g h , " she said.
" O h ? B u t w h a t a b o u t o t h e r obvious causes? You were so
enthusiastic. Y o u were soforgive t h e j a r g o n s e x - p o s i t i v e . "
I c o u l d n ' t h e l p s o u n d i n g slightly d i s a p p o i n t e d .
" W e established t h e link informally a n d t h a t ' s as far as we
c a n take it for t h e t i m e b e i n g , " she said. " I w a n t to c o n c e n
t r a t e o n k e y b o a r d - r e l a t e d injuries for right n o w . "
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THE
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" I knew it," I said sadly. " I was t o o talkative in t h e m a g n e t . "

She said n o , it wasn't really that. " I t t u r n s o u t t h a t t h e r e are
p r o b l e m s with d o i n g sexual r e s e a r c h . F o r s o m e r e a s o n , t h e
p e o p l e w h o h a n d o u t r e s e a r c h g r a n t s d o n ' t take w h a t y o u ' r e
d o i n g seriously if it's r e l a t e d to m a s t u r b a t i o n . "
This s o u n d e d believable. I told h e r I u n d e r s t o o d ; i n d e e d , I
used t h a t three-word s e n t e n c e t h a t e n d s so m a n y affairs of t h e
heart: / understand
completely. "Anyway," I said, "it certainly
was a p l e a s a n t e v e n i n g for m e . T i m e well s p e n t . T h a t m a g n e t

really focused my a t t e n t i o n o n t h e p r o b l e m . "
" G o o d , " she said. S h e wished m e all t h e best with my p o r
nography.
277
17
T
JL.
H U S BEGAN
MY LATEST A N D LONGEST FERMATA PHASE,
THE
loose, easy, f i n g e r - s n a p p i n g p h a s e , t h e p h a s e I r e m a i n e d in
u n t i l q u i t e recently. I w o u l d n o w like to take a m o m e n t to say
a little prayerlike t h i n g a b o u t my life. I a m so very f o r t u n a t e
to have b e e n a b l e to see all t h e n a k e d w o m e n ' s breasts I have
seen. T h a t ' s w h a t it really c o m e s d o w n to. I a m j u s t shocked
by h o w lucky I a m . N o life c o u l d b e finer t h a n m i n e . N o
compulsively p r o m i s c u o u s a c t o r o r p o p singer, n o p h o t o g r a
p h e r for a m e n ' s m a g a z i n e , h a s a b e t t e r life, for I c a n take off
a w o m a n ' s c l o t h e s en passant, as a m o m e n t a r y diversion, with
o u t m y t e n d e r s t r i p p a g e i n t e r f e r i n g in any way with h e r life o r
with m i n e . T h e average w o m a n , t h e u n e x c e p t i o n a l w o m a n ,
278
THE
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the interestingly ugly w o m a n , I c a n stare at in a state of

s u d d e n n u d i t y ( h e r s a n d / o r m i n e ) o n a sidewalk, o r in t h e
unflattering light of a r e c o r d store, a n d n o b o d y else c a n .
T h e r e are w h o l e phyla of b r e a s t - s h a p e t h a t t h e p u b l i c at large
d o e s n ' t know a b o u t , b e c a u s e t h e w o m e n w h o possess these
breast-shapes d o n o t ever b a r e t h e m e x c e p t to t h e i r lovers a n d
spouses a n d radiologists. A n d these e v e r - h i d d e n p l e n u m s ,
perfect in t h e i r i n d i s p e n s a b l e i m p e r f e c t i o n , t h a t by t h e i r
h a n g - a n g l e a n d s c o o p e d realism of curve sing o u t , " W e two
are quite m o d e s t breasts! W e two breasts c h o o s e n o t to a p p e a r
n a k e d in p u b l i c ! " I get to fill my m i n d with u n t i l I u n d e r s t a n d
t h e m . I love modesty, o r Modesty; I love to see a n d kiss M o d
esty a n d suck Modesty's n i p p l e s a n d w h i s p e r to Modesty h o w
arrestingly m o d e s t she is. A n d I have b e e n a b l e to d o that.
I h a v e n ' t b e e n p u n i s h e d for it, either. Dr. Jekyll, F a u s t u s ,
Stravinsky's soldat, t h e ballet d a n c e r in The Red Shoes, G o l l u m ,
Wells's invisible m a n a n d t i m e traveler, Dr. F r a n k e n s t e i n , a n d
a t h o u s a n d m o r e r e c e n t h o r r o r h e r o e s all m a s t e r s o m e quasis u p e r n a t u r a l p o w e r a n d are p u n i s h e d for it, w o r n o u t by it,
destroyed by it. H o w false a n d w e a r i s o m e this o u t c o m e is. W h y
s h o u l d a life with s o m e u n u s u a l m e t a p h y s i c a l f e a t u r e b u i l t
into it inevitably e n d in u n h a p p i n e s s a n d early d e a t h ? W h y
s h o u l d all t h e h e r o e s have s o m e fatal flaw t h a t causes t h e m to
overreach a n d h e n c e to self-destruct? It's t o o c o n v e n i e n t .
Even t h e two q u i e t e r ( a n d surprisingly similar, o n e to a n
o t h e r ) literary artifacts t h a t treat c o n d i t i o n s of t e m p o r a l h a l t
which r e s e m b l e m y own private F o l d o u t s I a m s p e a k i n g h e r e
of A m b r o s e Bierce's " A n O c c u r r e n c e at Owl C r e e k B r i d g e "
a n d Borges's " T h e Secret M i r a c l e " b o t h p u n i s h t h e i r h e r o e s
severely: they e n d with military e x e c u t i o n s . I r e a d these two
stories in h i g h school with a sense of d e e p p e r s o n a l dissatisfac
tion. Is this all a writer thinks a F o l d - d r o p c o u l d b e a b o u t ?
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P u t t i n g off d e a t h at t h e last m i n u t e ? W h e r e are t h e superven

ient h e b e p h r e n i a s ? W h e r e is t h e life? Where are the tits?
I n reality, I ' m h e r e to r e p o r t , p e o p l e very often get away
with t h i n g s . I have n o t b e e n c a u g h t a n d i m p r i s o n e d for w h a t
I have d o n e ; a n d besides, I a m not Dr. Jekyll o r Dr. F r a n k e n
stein a n d d o n ' t deserve t o r m e n t s a n d agonies. Even if I p u b
lish this m e m o i r as a b o o k , a n d s o m e o n e recognizes herself in
it a n d p r o s e c u t e s m e for a relevant sex-offense (I have g o n e
t h r o u g h t h e m a n u s c r i p t , by t h e way, a n d altered a few n a m e s
a n d f u d g e d a few d a t e s to d e c r e a s e t h e possibility of this
h a p p e n i n g , b u t it still m i g h t ) , my life will still s e e m to m e to
have b e e n a g o o d life a n d I will s e e m to myself to have b e e n
a m a n w h o w a n t e d to d o n o h a r m a n d w h o in fact did n o
harm.
I n p a r t I a m s e l f - r i g h t e o u s - m i n d e d at t h e m o m e n t b e c a u s e
of s o m e r e c e n t d e v e l o p m e n t s h a v i n g to d o with t h e all-impor
t a n t J o y c e Collier, J o y c e of t h e love-inspiring black p u b i c hair,
w h o m I h a d to a b a n d o n early in these p a g e s in my eagerness
to get as m u c h of my p a s t interlife r e c o r d e d as I c o u l d w i t h o u t
n e w p r e o c c u p y i n g i n t e r r u p t i o n s . O n a Friday at work two
real-weeks a g o , a b o u t t h e g e n e r a l t i m e I was starting to write
a b o u t t a k i n g m y w a t c h off for R h o d y in t h e T h a i r e s t a u r a n t ,
I l o o k e d over at t h e h e a d of a certain squash-playing l o a n
officer n a m e d P a u l at MassBank a n d s u d d e n l y felt t h a t I
w o u l d n ' t b e a b l e to s t a n d g o i n g to work t h a t c o m i n g Monday;
m o r e o v e r , I felt I w o u l d n ' t b e able to s t a n d g o i n g to work at
all u n t i l I h a d finished a g o o d d e a l m o r e of this m e m o i r . I
called m y c o o r d i n a t o r a n d asked h e r for a whole week off from
t h e b a n k . (I c o u l d n ' t afford m o r e t h a n a week.) A n d I
s t r e t c h e d t h a t o n e u n p a i d week i n t o twenty-three precious
days ( c o u n t i n g t h e final w e e k e n d ) of a u t o b i o g r a p h i c a l soli
t u d e , simply by u p p i n g from o n e to two t h e n u m b e r of per280
THE
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sonal Snap-days I inserted b e t w e e n every real c a l e n d a r day.

This m e a n t t h a t I was a g i n g t h r e e times as fast as a n o r m a l
h u m a n b e i n g , b u t I wasn't t r o u b l e d by that. I d i d m y e r r a n d s
every t h i r d " d a y , " a n d b e c a u s e I was w o r k i n g so h a r d o n this
book, I d i d n ' t get as lonely as I w o u l d have e x p e c t e d in t h e
interim; a m o m e n t of friendliness with a b a n k teller o r a
waitress o n t h e c a l e n d a r days was e n o u g h to carry m e t h r o u g h
the two i n t e r i o r Arno-days t h a t followed. I n t a k i n g t h a t week
off from MassBank, I was of c o u r s e p u t t i n g J o y c e Collier off
as wellI still w a n t e d to ask h e r o u t , b u t I knew t h a t any
s u d d e n h u b b u b o r h e a r t b r e a k c o n c e r n i n g h e r w o u l d distract
m e from t h e F o l d - a d v e n t u r e s in my past. I also h a d a h o p e
t h a t if I was g o n e from Joyce's office for a w h o l e week, she
m i g h t notice t h a t h e r w o r k i n g days felt different with m e n o t
t h e r e d o i n g h e r tapes, a n d m a y b e t h a t she l o o k e d forward to
g o i n g to work a little less in my a b s e n c e a n d from t h e r e I
h o p e d t h a t she w o u l d move closer t o a c o n s c i o u s realization
that she really liked m e .
Towards t h e e n d of this final three-week retreat, as I re
created for t h e r e c o r d my m a g n e t i c - r e s o n a n c e scan with Dr.
O r o w i t z - R u d m a n , I was visited by a little realization of my
own. It will s e e m ludicrously obvious to t h e r e a d e r , b u t to m e
it felt like real progress. My realization was t h a t I w o u l d have
to tell J o y c e a b o u t t h e Fold right at t h e outset, before I tried
to fuck h e r even o n c e . T h e r e c o u l d b e n o m o r e secrets: if I was
g o i n g to shock Joyce with my c h r o n a n i s m , I h a d to shock h e r
from t h e start, a n d if I was g o i n g to s e d u c e h e r with t h e Fold's
h e l p , she would, unlike Rhody, have to b e a k n o w i n g party to
t h e seduction. T h a t decided, I discovered I liked t h e idea of
finally telling s o m e o n e . It m i g h t m a k e m e , "just a t e m p , " a
little m o r e g l a m o r o u s in h e r eyes.
T h e n i g h t before I was to see J o y c e again, I c o u l d n ' t sleep
28 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
for a b o u t two h o u r s early in t h e m o r n i n g . I D r o p p e d d u r i n g

m o s t of m y i n s o m n i a , b e c a u s e I d i d n ' t want to waste t h e n i g h t
in sleeplessness. I w a n t e d to b e fresh for her. I lay in b e d in
a p a u s e d universe with my h a n d c u p p e d over my troika; every
t i m e I t h o u g h t of telling h e r t h a t I h a d tied h e r knit dress
a r o u n d h e r waist in t h e m i d d l e of t h e a f t e r n o o n a n d t o u c h e d
h e r h i p s a n d felt h e r s p a r k l i n g vafro, I c o u l d feel my malefac
t o r c o m e alive. I wanted to tell h e r t h e s h o c k i n g t h i n g t h a t I
h a d d o n e . I w a n t e d h e r to forgive m e a n d love m e for it.
H e r e is h o w I asked h e r o u t t h e n e x t day. A r o u n d eleventhirty, she c a m e by to d r o p off a t a p e a n d waved. I w h i p p e d
off m y p h o n e s . " H o w were t h i n g s h e r e last week?" I asked.
J o y c e was w e a r i n g a g r e e n dress I ' d never seen before; h e r
black h a i r was loosely tied in b a c k with t h e Cyrillic scarf. I took
this as a g o o d o m e n .
" I ' m s w a m p e d with various disasters," she said. " W e missed
you. T h e p e r s o n they sent to fill in for you was n o n e too
speedy."
" I ' m sorry to h e a r t h a t . " I h e l d o u t my h a n d a n d J o y c e gave
m e t h e microcassette. "I'll have this d o n e in n o t i m e , " I said.
"I've missed these tapes, y o u know. I like b e i n g in t h e m i d d l e
of t y p i n g s o m e t h i n g you've j u s t said i n t o my e a r a n d looking
u p a n d s e e i n g you walk across t h e floor."
T h i s t o o k J o y c e a tiny bit by surprise. " H o w was y o u r vaca
tion?"
" I t was g o o d , q u i t e g o o d . Long, t h o u g h . "
" W h a t have you b e e n u p t o ? "
"I've b e e n t h i s s o u n d s i n s a n e b u t I've b e e n writing my
a u t o b i o g r a p h y , " I said.
" H a v e y o u led a n i n t e r e s t i n g life?" Joyce asked.
I l e a n e d forward. "Well, you k n o w I have! I have. W h a t
about you?"
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THE
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"No."
" T h a t ' s u n f o r t u n a t e , " I said. " W h a t c a n I d o to h e l p ? "
" F i n d s o m e o n e to sweep m e away s o m e w h e r e . T h e p r o b l e m
is t h a t I have n o time to d o i n t e r e s t i n g stuff, b e c a u s e I ' m so
busy d o i n g stuff that's u n i n t e r e s t i n g . Actually, o n Saturdays I
go to a b o t a n i c a l d r a w i n g class at t h e A r n o l d A r b o r e t u m . "
" O h , well there, t h a t ' s a positive s t e p , " I said. " I h a v e n ' t
drawn a p l a n t in years. Is it f u n ? "
"Yes," said Joyce. " P l a n t s sit still. It's like m e d i t a t i o n , b u t
it's better, b e c a u s e y o u ' r e t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h e p l a n t , a n d n o t
a b o u t yourself."
I s h o o k my h e a d sadly. "I wish I h a d m o r e art in m y life
r i g h t now. I did allow s o m e m e d i c a l r e s e a r c h e r s to p a i n t re
flective p a i n t o n several p a r t s of my b o d y a few m o n t h s a g o .
Does t h a t c o u n t as a n artistic e x p e r i e n c e ? "
"I s h o u l d t h i n k s o , " said Joyce. S h e asked w h a t t h e r e
searchers were trying to find o u t .
I told h e r it h a d to d o with m y c a r p a l - t u n n e l p r o b l e m .
" T h e y were trying to figure o u t h o w m u c h of m y p r o b l e m was
d u e to typing a n d h o w m u c h was d u e to o t h e r factors."
"Like what o t h e r factors? Y o u k n o w I have a t o u c h of car
pal, t o o , " she confided.
" I ' m sorry. T h e o t h e r m a i n factor waswellit's
this
h o b b y of m i n e , s o m e t h i n g I d o in m y s p a r e t i m e . "
" O h ? " she said.
" I n fact," I said, " I have to talk to you a b o u t it."
"About?"
It was definitely time to ask J o y c e o u t . H e r e x p r e s s i o n h a d
identifiable e l e m e n t s of puzzled, p r o v o k e d interest. H e r eyes
wereI t h i n k this is t h e only w o r d for w h a t they were d o i n g
they were shining. Yet w h a t w o u l d t h e look o n h e r face b e
w h e n she l e a r n e d t h a t I h a d already D r o p p e d in o n h e r a p a r t 283
NICHOLSON
BAKER
m e n t ? I n e e d e d a m o m e n t to collect my t h o u g h t s . W i t h o u t
b l i n k i n g , I softly s n a p p e d my fingers. I relaxed. T h e easy t h i n g
to d o w o u l d b e to u n d r e s s h e r now: if I u n d r e s s e d h e r now a n d
s t o o d o n t h e desk a n d t o u c h e d t h e tip of h e r n o s e with my
erect stain-stick o r stroked h e r c h e e k with it in a friendly way,
I knew t h a t I w o u l d p h r a s e my r e q u e s t for a d a t e m o r e confi
dently. B u t I d i d n ' t w a n t to c h e a t a n d d o that. I c o u l d go back
to h e r a p a r t m e n t a n d lie o n h e r b e d a n d gain s t r e n g t h a n d
c o n f i d e n c e from h a v i n g b e e n t h e r e again. B u t n o t h e whole
p o i n t of this d a t e was for m e n o t to trespass u n a s k e d . I n e e d e d
a distraction.
Still e n F o l d e d , I walked briskly all t h e way to t h e G a p cloth
i n g store in t h e C o p l e y Place Mall a n d t o o k off t h e shirt of
every w o m a n in it ( t h e r e were eleven w o m e n ) , singing the
country-western G a p j i n g l e from t h e seventies: " F a l l i n
t o t h e G a p . " I d r a p e d t h e i r b r a s over t h e i r shoulders. With
n o p a n t s o n , I walked a r o u n d t h e racks of b r a i d e d belts a n d
a l o n g t h e walls of folded shorts a n d overdyed j e a n s . I knew
from previous e x p e r i e n c e t h a t t h e r e w o u l d b e sand in s o m e of
the pants pocketsnot because that particular pair had been
w o r n to t h e b e a c h a n d t h e n r e t u r n e d , as I h a d o n c e t h o u g h t ,
b u t b e c a u s e t h e p a n t s were sand-washed before they were
sold. T h e y c a m e p r e - s u p p l i e d with t h e i r own m e m o r i e s of t h e
C a p e . I twirled slowly like a c o m p a s s n e e d l e in t h e m i d d l e of
t h e store, b o t h h a n d s o n my tiller. I let my eye b e surprised by
e a c h topless w o m a n in t u r n , saying, " A n d you! A n d you! I'd
f o r g o t t e n a b o u t you! Wow, t h o s e are nice! H i , h o w are y o u ? "
H a v i n g filled m y b r a i n with a multiplicity of n a k e d J a m a i c a s
(without c o m i n g , however), I r e d r e s s e d my wrongs, p u t t i n g
everything b a c k w h e r e it h a d b e e n , a n d m a d e my way back to
t h e M a s s B a n k b u i l d i n g . At my desk, I s n a p p e d a n d e m e r g e d
from my p e r s o n a l G a p full of self-assurance, fortified by secret
284
THE
FERMATA
acts of vulgarity, l o o k i n g at Joyce, w h o , needless to say, h a d n ' t

moved d u r i n g my a b s e n c e .
" W o u l d you like to have a snack with m e s o m e t i m e ? " I
asked her.
" W h a t kind of a snack d o y o u m e a n ? " she asked.
"A d i n n e r sort of snack."
" O h . " S h e smiled sideways.
"I n e e d to talk to you. I've d o n e you a w r o n g , a n d I n e e d
to u n b u r d e n myself."
"I see," she said.
"Tonight?"
" H m . " S h e a l m o s t w e n t for it. B u t t h e n she said: " N o ,
t o n i g h t is b a d . I wish I could, b u t I ' m p r o b a b l y g o i n g to have
to stay late. I ' m g o i n g to have to go over t h e stuff in t h a t t a p e
w h e n you get it b a c k to m e . T h o m a s n e e d s to look at it
tomorrow morning."
"If I have it back to you in t e n s h o r t m i n u t e s , " I said, "will
you go o u t with m e t o n i g h t ? "
" T h e r e ' s a n h o u r of stuff o n t h a t t a p e ! "
"I know that. I ' m j u s t saying, if I get it b a c k to you in t e n
m i n u t e s , will you go o u t with m e t o n i g h t ? I k n o w it's a little
strange, b u t it h a s to d o with w h a t I w a n t to talk to you a b o u t . "
"Okay, yes, s u r e , " she said.
I took h e r to t h e r e s t a u r a n t at t h e M r i d i e n . As we walked
there, we followed s o m e d e e p u n w r i t t e n law a d a p t e d from
business practice, a law t h a t enjoins against any discussion of
t h e m a i n subject u n t i l a c e r t a i n n u m b e r of r a n d o m - s e e m i n g
conversational topics have arisen a n d b e e n d e a l t with a n d a
c o n t e x t of cool d e t a c h m e n t t h e r e b y established. W e talked
a b o u t t h e rise a n d fall of shoe-store c h a i n s a n d t h e m e r i t s of
various kinds of w o m e n ' s shoes a n d w h e t h e r w o m e n ' s s h o e
salesmen were invariably fetishists. (Joyce's o w n shoes were
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NICHOLSON
BAKER
g r e a t - l o o k i n g gray flats with sexy side-buckles.) B u t as s o o n as

we got s o m e wine, J o y c e said. " N o w : I w a n t you to explain to
m e in detail h o w y o u d i d t h a t t a p e so fast."
"If I tell you, will you tell a n y o n e ? " I asked.
" Y o u c a n ' t k n o w this a b o u t m e , " J o y c e said, " b u t I never,
ever tell a n y o n e a n y t h i n g t h a t was revealed to m e in confi
dence."
" G o o d I w a n t to believe you. I've listened to y o u r voice so
m u c h t r a n s c r i b i n g y o u r tapes t h a t I t h i n k I have u n u s u a l
insights i n t o y o u r c h a r a c t e r . "
" Y o u should believe m e , " said J o y c e .
" I d o . N o I t h i n k t h e p r o b l e m really is w h e t h e r you will
believe m e . "
" T h e only way to find o u t is to try m e , " said Joyce.
So I told h e r t h a t at various p e r i o d s in my life, starting way
b a c k in f o u r t h g r a d e , I'd b e e n a b l e to d i s e n g a g e myself from
t i m e . I told h e r briefly a b o u t t h e race-track transformer, t h e
t h r e a d g o i n g t h r o u g h my callus i n t o t h e w a s h i n g m a c h i n e ,
a b o u t t h e r u b b e r - b a n d s t r e t c h e r a n d t h e m e c h a n i c a l pencil,
a n d a b o u t p u s h i n g u p m y glasses.
J o y c e l a u g h e d . " A n d this m o r n i n g ? H o w d i d you d o it this
morning?"
" I j u s t s n a p p e d m y fingers. I w o n ' t d o it now, b u t whenever
I s n a p m y fingers, t h e e n t i r e universe i m m e d i a t e l y p a u s e s for
m e , like a stretch l i m o waiting for m e o n t h e street while I r u n
s o m e e r r a n d . I s p e n t p r o b a b l y , o h , a n h o u r a n d a half d o i n g
y o u r t a p e , with t h e universe in p a u s e - m o d e , a n d t h e n I
s n a p p e d my fingers to t u r n it b a c k o n a g a i n a n d I went over
to y o u r desk a n d delivered t h e work. A n d before t h a t I'd
s n a p p e d a n d t a k e n over a n h o u r to go for a walk. I went d o w n
to t h e G a p a n d b r o w s e d a little. So it's really a r o u n d ten
o'clock at n i g h t for m e . "
286
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"You m u s t b e starving," said Joyce. " I k n o w I a m . S o m e

bread?"
"Thanks."
Chewing, she r e g a r d e d m e . " D o you have m o r e to say?"
"Yes." I h a d felt confident, even cocky, m o m e n t s before,
b u t I n o w n o t i c e d t h a t my h a n d s were u n s t e a d y as I stuffed a
piece of b r e a d in my m o u t h . "I've n e v e r told a n y o n e w h a t I ' m
telling y o u , " I said. " I tried to tell s o m e o n e obliquely, b u t it
wasn't a success."
Joyce said, "Why are y o u telling m e , t h e n ? I m e a n , I ' m
d e l i g h t e d t h a t you a r e I think. B u t d o n ' t y o u w a n t to c o n
t i n u e to k e e p all this to yourself if you've k e p t it t o yourself for
this l o n g ? "
I said, " I ' m tired of h a v i n g this b i g secret life a n d n o t b e i n g
able to tell a n y o n e . " A n d s u d d e n l y I d i d feel e n o r m o u s l y tired
of it. I felt as if I was g o i n g to get slightly weepy, b u t fortu
nately I d i d n ' t . " I like you a n d I j u s t w a n t to tell you. I've
written a b o u t it in t h e m e m o i r y t h i n g t h a t I've b e e n w o r k i n g
on, a n d t h o u g h I h a v e n ' t shown t h a t to a n y o n e , h a v i n g d o n e
that, g o n e p u b l i c o n t h e p a g e , I s e e m a b l e to a c c e p t m o r e
easily t h e fact t h a t p e o p l e will know. It feels inevitable now,
t h o u g h of c o u r s e it isn't. It's t h e n e x t step. Also, I've u s e d t h e
Fold to d o t h i n g s t h a t m i g h t m a k e you u n c o m f o r t a b l e , if you
knew a b o u t t h e m , a n d if they a r e g o i n g to m a k e you u n c o m
fortable, I'd r a t h e r t h a t h a p p e n e d n o w a n d n o t l a t e r . "
"The 'Fold'?"
I went into t h e t e r m i n o l o g y in s o m e detail. W e o r d e r e d . I
told h e r a b o u t t h e e q u a t i o n with t h e g a r m e n t - c a r e symbols,
a n d a b o u t colliding with t h e p a r k i n g m e t e r a n d stealing two
s h r i m p . I gave h e r a bowdlerized a c c o u n t of m y e x p e r i e n c e in
t h e e l e c t r o m a g n e t . Finally I w o r k e d u p t h e nerve t o m e n t i o n
287
NICHOLSON
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t h a t at selected times in t h e p a s t I h a d u s e d t h e Fold to take

off w o m e n ' s clothes w i t h o u t t h e i r knowledge.
" A h n o w I see w h e r e we're g o i n g , " J o y c e said. " T h a t ' s n o t
so g o o d . T h a t is n o t so h o t . "
" I know, I know, I know, I k n o w , " I said, s h a k i n g my h e a d .
" B u t w h e n I ' m d o i n g it it d o e s n ' t s e e m b a d . It seems w o n d e r
ful, g o o d , positiveit seems like t h e m o s t constructive t h i n g
I c o u l d possibly b e d o i n g . I j u s t d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d why it
s h o u l d b e so b a d a n d w r o n g for m e to take a w o m a n ' s clothes
off, as l o n g as she d o e s n ' t know a b o u t it. I m e a n really, what's
the big deal?"
" H o w m u c h of t h e i r c l o t h i n g d o you take off?" She sipped
s o m e wine, l o o k i n g at m e intently. H e r eyes were t h e color of
p e a t moss; h e r p u p i l s were dilated.
" O h , it d e p e n d s , " I said. " S o m e t i m e s I d o n ' t take any off,
s o m e t i m e s I go d o w n to t h e bra, s o m e t i m e s I d o go a t o u c h
further."
"You've never told a n y o n e a b o u t this practice of yours?"
" N o t directly. I've c o m e close several times, b u t n o . "
S h e t o u c h e d h e r m o u t h with h e r n a p k i n . T h e n she nar
r o w e d h e r eyes. " B u t n o w you've d e c i d e d to tell m e . A n d you
k n o w why? I k n o w why. Y o u ' r e telling m e b e c a u s e you took my
clothes off, d i d n ' t you? D i d n ' t y o u ? "
"Yes."
S h e let h e r h a n d fall to t h e table. N o w she l o o k e d sadsad
r a t h e r t h a n shocked. " I c a n ' t believe you did t h a t . "
T o d r a w h e r a t t e n t i o n away from h e r d i s a p p o i n t m e n t in
m e , I asked, " Y o u m e a n you c a n ' t believe t h a t I a m telling t h e
t r u t h , o r y o u c a n ' t believe t h a t I w o u l d d o s o m e t h i n g t h a t
rude and crude?"
" B o t h , " she said. " G o d , I ' m so fucking sick of liars a n d
sneaks a n d c h e a t s a n d weirdos. G o d . " S h e wiped h e r eyes a n d
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sniffed. "Last year I was in a r e l a t i o n s h i p with a guy for two

m o n t h s , a n d it t u r n e d o u t t h a t h e was m a r r i e d . H e simply
forgot to tell m e t h a t h e h a d a n u c l e a r family in W a s h i n g t o n ,
D.C. A n d n o w this."
" I ' m sorry," I said. " B u t c a n I say t h a t r i g h t n o w I ' m t h e
opposite of t h e m a r r i e d guy? I ' m trying n o t to deceive you.
I'm telling you right o u t that, yes, I t o o k s o m e of y o u r clothes
off. I a s s u m e d you w o u l d n ' t m i n d . If I h a d k n o w n as a definite
fact b e f o r e h a n d t h a t you w o u l d have m i n d e d , I w o u l d n ' t have
d o n e it. I know I was p r o b a b l y d e l u d i n g myself. Y o u l o o k e d
wonderful. Y o u r p u b i c h a i r was like a bicycle seat."
" O h J e s u s . W h e n was this?" S h e l o o k e d u p at m e , as if
establishing t h e d a t e w o u l d h e l p .
I took off my glasses a n d p u t my h a n d s over m y eyes to
think. "It's h a r d for m e to get d a t e s right, b e c a u s e I've b e e n
s p e n d i n g so m u c h time lately in t h e Fold, writing. It was t h e
first week I w o r k e d at MassBank. You were walking across t h e
floor o n e t i m e w e a r i n g t h a t blue-gray knit d r e s s . " I p u t my
glasses back o n , which m a d e m e r e m e m b e r t h a t she h a d said
back t h e n t h a t she liked my glasses. I felt t h e r e was still h o p e .
" T h a t is a really nifty dress. You h a d y o u r h a i r in a F r e n c h
braid, if that's w h a t they're called. Y o u were carrying s o m e
files. A n d I j u s t wanted
to see more of you. W h a t c a n I say?"
" A r n o , w o u l d n ' t it have b e e n j u s t as easy to ask m e o u t ? "

" N o ! It was very, very h a r d to ask you o u t today. It's j u s t n o t
s o m e t h i n g I d o lightly."
"Tell m e exactly what h a p p e n e d , " she said.
" W h e n I took off y o u r clothes? D o y o u really w a n t to h e a r
this?"
" N o , it's h i d e o u s , b u t go o n . "
"WellI j u s t s n a p p e d my fingers a n d got everything to
stop a n d I scooted over to you in my c h a i r a n d lifted u p
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NICHOLSON
BAKER
y o u r dress. It was so light, it felt so g o o d , t h e knit. I lifted it

u p over y o u r p a n t y h o s e a n d over y o u r h i p s a n d m a d e a sort
of k n o t in it at y o u r waist. Y o u r legs felt really w a r m t h r o u g h
t h e p a n t y h o s e . P a n t y h o s e m a t e r i a l is s t r a n g e stuff, like a
s u b s t a n c e from a n o t h e r p l a n e t , u n p l e a s a n t w h e n you first
t o u c h it, a n d yet t h e w a r m t h of y o u r skin radiates t h r o u g h it
a n d h u m a n i z e s it. So I k i n d of whisked my h a n d s over your
legs a n d I felt y o u r h i p b o n e s , a n d before you know it, I h a d
p u l l e d y o u r p a n t y h o s e d o w n a n d I h a d my h a n d in your
pubic hair."
" 'Before I k n o w it' is r i g h t , " said Joyce, p o i n t i n g h e r knife
at m e . " I d i d n ' t k n o w it, A r n o . I d i d n ' t have a clue t h a t y o u r
h a n d was in my p u b i c hair. D o e s n ' t t h a t t r o u b l e y o u ? "
" N o , b e c a u s e I fell in love with you with my h a n d in y o u r
pubic hair."
J o y c e m a d e a n e x a s p e r a t e d s o u n d . "Everything's r u i n e d
a n d o u t of o r d e r ! I was really p l e a s e d t h a t you asked m e o u t
for d i n n e r t o n i g h t . Really pleased. A n d n o w it's all confused."
" I also w e n t to y o u r a p a r t m e n t . I b o r r o w e d y o u r keys."
" N o . " J o y c e was i n c r e d u l o u s . " N o . "
"Yes. I've seen y o u r m a t t r e s s p a d . "
" A r n o , this is terrible. I d o n ' t know w h a t to think. First of
all, I d o n ' t believe a w o r d of it."
" U n d e r a n a n t i q u e b o t t l e in y o u r s u n p o r c h , I p u t a fortunecookie f o r t u n e I f o u n d in a bowl o n t o p of y o u r refrigerator.
It says, 'Smile w h e n you are ready.' "
"You need help."
" I b e g y o u r p a r d o n ! I ' m n o t a b a d p e r s o n . If you ask m e to
go away now, I'll g o away. I ' m h a r m l e s s . I ' m j u s t a t e m p ! I was
c u r i o u s a b o u t y o u r a p a r t m e n t , t h a t ' s all." I waited for Joyce to
say s o m e t h i n g , b u t she d i d n ' t . "All right. T h i s e v e n i n g has
nosedived. Still, I ' m glad to h e a r t h a t you were pleased to b e
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THE
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asked out. T h a t ' s s o m e t h i n g . W o u l d you like s o m e m o r e

wine?"
"Just a t o u c h , t h a n k s . O p e , o p e , t h a t ' s p l e n t y . " S h e d r a n k
a little of it. I let h e r t h i n k t h i n g s over. W e were silent for a
stretch.
"I s h o u l d g o , " she said.
" O k a y , " I said.
T h e n she said, "Prove it to m e . I w a n t y o u to d o w h a t you
say you c a n d o r i g h t n o w . "
"You w a n t m e to stop t i m e ? "
"Yes, I d o . "
"All right. I'll d o it r i g h t now. R e a d y ? "
She n o d d e d .
I s n a p p e d my fingers. I sat still for a while, b r e a t h i n g softly,
nearly as m o t i o n l e s s as t h e rest of t h e a n i m a l a n d vegetable
k i n g d o m s . T h e n I b e g a n t a p p i n g m y h a n d o n my n a p k i n . I
refilled Joyce's w a t e r glass. I w e n t to t h e b a t h r o o m
and
checked h o w I looked. I l o o k e d finea little s h e e p i s h a n d

worried a b o u t t h e eyes. I sat d o w n a g a i n a n d p o k e d a r o u n d at
my plate, b u t I d i d n ' t w a n t to e a t a n y t h i n g w i t h o u t J o y c e
" t h e r e . " I d i d n ' t enjoy t h e e n v e l o p i n g silence this t i m e , as I
usually did; it was like sitting at a table with s o m e o n e w h o
wasn't s p e a k i n g to m e . I n fact, it wasn't like that, it was that.
I d i d n ' t want to b e u n d e r t h e F e r m a t a at all j u s t t h e n ; I w a n t e d
time to b e r o l l i n g forward at a nice brisk clip, so t h a t J o y c e
would get u s e d to t h e t h i n g s t h a t I h a d told h e r a n d forgive
m e for t h e m , if forgiveness was still a possibility. It m i g h t take
weeks.
I s n a p p e d my fingers. "I j u s t d i d it," I said.
" W h a t did you d o ? " S h e l o o k e d quickly d o w n at h e r dress
a n d back at m e . " I h a d absolutely n o sense of a n y t h i n g h a p
pening."
29 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
" I d i d n ' t d o t h a t m u c h . I was c h a s t e n e d by y o u r reaction, so

I t o o k it easy. I refilled y o u r water glass."
J o y c e l o o k e d at h e r w a t e r glass suspiciously. " I t was already
that high."
" N o , really, it was a b o u t a q u a r t e r full," I said.
" I ' m sure it was t h a t h i g h . I've b e e n d r i n k i n g mostly
wine."
" S h o u l d we d e b a t e w a t e r levels?" I said. " O r s h o u l d you
simply tell m e w h a t y o u w a n t m e to d o , w h a t will prove to you
t h a t I really c a n stop t i m e , so t h a t I c a n S n a p o u t r i g h t now
a n d d o it?"
" Y o u c o u l d . . . " J o y c e l o o k e d a r o u n d t h e r o o m for inspira
tion. I saw h e r eyes alight o n t h e waiter. " I d o n ' t know. Any
t h i n g . W h a t w o u l d y o u w a n t to d o ? "
I l e a n e d forward. "See t h o s e two m e n ? I c o u l d switch their
ties. B u t I d o n ' t really w a n t to d o that. I h a t e practical jokes.
It's h a r d e n o u g h to tie my o w n tie. T h e Fold is sexual for m e . "
I l o o k e d pensive for a m o m e n t , t h e n b r i g h t e n e d . " I c o u l d take
off y o u r b r a a n d p u t it in y o u r briefcase in t h e c o a t r o o m . I'd
b e h a p p y to d o that. W o u l d t h a t convince y o u ? "
"Yes, it p r o b a b l y w o u l d , " said Joyce. " B u t h o l d off."
I said, "If y o u c o u l d s n a p y o u r fingers r i g h t n o w a n d stop
t i m e , s u s p e n d all c a u s e a n d effect, w h a t w o u l d you d o ? " I
l e a n e d forward a g a i n a n d b e g a n s p e a k i n g in a soft c o a x i n g
u r g e n t voice. " T h e r e ' s t h e waiter t h e r e . I saw you check h i m
o u t . H e ' s got a n i c e b u t t , right? T h i n k a b o u t it. This entire
r o o m is filled with cock. T h e r e is cock in every direction.
P r o s p e r o u s cock, a r r o g a n t cock, d u m b cock, s m a r t cock, oldr e g i m e cock, new-age cock. W h a t w o u l d you d o ? "
" A t t h e m o m e n t , if I c o u l d stop time, I'd stop time a n d use
t h e facilities. Excuse m e . "
W h i l e J o y c e was g o n e I stared at t h e flower in t h e b u d vase
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THE
FERMATA
a n d felt u p t h e table u n d e r t h e t a b l e c l o t h to discover w h a t sort

of surface it h a d . It h a d a r o u g h surface. I d i d n ' t think; I j u s t
waited. O u r salads c a m e .
Eventually J o y c e r e t u r n e d . " H i . " S h e swept h e r h a n d over
the back of h e r dress as she sat d o w n , so t h a t she w o u l d n ' t
m a k e wrinkles. "You d i d n ' t follow m e in t h e r e , s n a p p i n g y o u r
fingers,
did y o u ? "
" N o , I was o u t h e r e t h e w h o l e t i m e . "

Joyce's m o o d s e e m e d to have shifted slightly. "I was think
i n g t h a t this p o w e r you say you have w o u l d o p e n u p s o m e
interesting possibilities," she said. "At t h e b a n k , for i n s t a n c e ,
I c o u l d t h i n k of lots of t h i n g s you c o u l d find o u t . "
I told h e r I wasn't all t h a t wild a b o u t white-collar c r i m e .
" O r , " she c o n t i n u e d , h o l d i n g u p h e r h a n d , "it w o u l d b e
very h a n d y for w o r k i n g m o t h e r s . O r forget w o r k i n g m o t h e r s .
It would b e very h a n d y for m e . I c o u l d take a w h o l e day to
catch u p . A silent p a r a d i s e . N o p h o n e s . I n e e d it b a d . I'd fill
four t a p e s . "
" T h a t ' s t r u e , " I said. "It's funny, t h o u g h . T h e idea of hav
i n g time to c a t c h u p s o u n d s so luscious. B u t in reality I've
f o u n d t h a t b i g c h u n k s of raw t i m e d o n ' t h e l p t h a t m u c h .
Parkinson's Law b e c o m e s t h e d o m i n a n t force. P a r k i n s o n ' s
Law a n d loneliness. You have to t i m e t h e t i m e - o u t s , a n d m i x
t h e m in with lifethat's were t h e a r t c o m e s i n . "
"Still," said Joyce, " I ' d love to k n o w w h a t it was like, to
w a n d e r a r o u n d B o s t o n w h e n it was totally still. N o t h i n g mov
i n g b u t m e . Everyone like a statue. A r e you really serious t h a t
you c a n d o this?"
I nodded.
She p u t h e r n a p k i n o n t h e table a n d sat u p straight in h e r
chair with h e r h a n d s in h e r l a p . "Tell m e w h a t c o l o r b r a I ' m
293
NICHOLSON
BAKER
w e a r i n g . D o n ' t take it off. J u s t tell m e t h e color a n d t h e

make."
"Frankly I feel a little weird n o w d o i n g it," I said, flapping
my a r m s to signal u n c e r t a i n t y a n d m o r a l confusion.
" G o a h e a d ! " she said. " I ' m letting you. I ' m still n o t sure I
believe you anyway. You have to d e m o n s t r a t e y o u ' r e n o t lying
to m e . "
I s n a p p e d m y fingers a n d w e n t a r o u n d to Joyce's side of
t h e t a b l e a n d , after s o m e g r o p i n g , t o r e t h e small label off
h e r b r a . I also kissed h e r lightly o n t h e m o u t h , so t h a t I
c o u l d tell h e r I h a d . I t o o k my c h a i r a n d t u r n e d everything
b a c k o n . " Y o u ' r e w e a r i n g a r e d b r a , " I r e p o r t e d . " I t is"I
p e e r e d at t h e l a b e l " a n ' O l g a Christina.' It says, 'Gentle
m a c h i n e wash w a r m , wash with like colors, n o bleach, line
dry, n o i r o n . ' "
" I t ' s m y favorite b r a . "
"All I d i d was u n z i p t h e back of y o u r dress a n d r e a c h in. I
w a n t y o u to k n o w t h a t I d i d n ' t really g r o p e at y o u r breasts o r
d o a n y t h i n g in any way p r o a c t i v e . " I h e l d o u t t h e b r a label
b e t w e e n m y two fingers. S h e t o o k it a n d set it d o w n beside h e r
b r e a d p l a t e . " I d i d also kiss you briefly," I a d d e d .
"Really? W h e r e ? "
" O n t h e lips."
S h e m a d e a n m m m - e x p r e s s i o n with h e r m o u t h to see if she
c o u l d d e t e c t any r e s i d u a l sensations.
" N o after-tingle?" I said, f e i g n i n g incredulity.
" N o t h i n g , " said Joyce. " H o w d i d it g o , t h e kiss?"
I said t h a t it h a d g o n e very well.
" I ' m glad to h e a r it," she said.
By t h e t i m e we h a d finished o u r salads t h e r e was a definite
feeling of amity in t h e air.
" Y o u k n o w , " I said, "while I was s n a p p e d o u t j u s t now,
294
THE
FERMATA
tearing t h e label off y o u r b r a , I t h o u g h t of s o m e t h i n g . I b e t

there is a way you c o u l d e x p e r i e n c e t h e Fold-cleft with m e . "
"I d o u b t it," she said.
"Well, this is what I ' m t h i n k i n g , anyway. T h e
Fermata
seems to know t h a t I a m physically o n e individual, a n d it

e x e m p t s m e from t h e g e n e r a l freeze. B u t w h a t if we confuse
it? W h a t if my n a k e d p e n i s is in y o u r v a g i n a w h e n I s n a p m y
fingers?"
Joyce l a u g h e d a this-is-all-just-a-little-too-much l a u g h , b u t
I could see t h a t t h e n o t i o n wasn't inconceivable to her.
I went o n . "I t h i n k t h e r e ' s a g o o d c h a n c e , if we d i d that, t h a t
the F e r m a t a w o u l d r e a d u s b o t h as o n e single entity. W e
would have to b e in a real state of u n i o n , t h o u g h . I'd have to
b e way in t h e r e , a n d y o u r legs w o u l d have to b e really locked
a r o u n d m e . W e ' d have to b e h o l d i n g e a c h o t h e r e x t r a tight,
a n d p r o b a b l y we'd have to b e kissing, t o o . W e ' d p r o b a b l y have
to b e in love. O u r t o n g u e s w o u l d have to b e c h a s i n g e a c h
o t h e r a r o u n d , a n d y o u r h a n d s w o u l d have to b e g r i p p i n g my
thrusting buttcheeks"
Joyce raised h e r h a n d s . "Okay, I got it, I got t h e g e n e r a l
idea."
" I ' m n o t saying t h a t it's a g u a r a n t e e d s u r e t h i n g , b u t I d o
think it's w o r t h a try," I said excitedly. " A r e you with m e ? "
" W h e n w o u l d this h a p p e n ? " S h e h a d t h e s a m e sideways
smile s h e ' d h a d w h e n I first asked h e r o u t .
"We c o u l d set a d a t e , if you like. Five m i n u t e s from n o w ? "
" T h a t seems s o o n , " she said.
"I've lost all c o n c e p t i o n of w h a t ' s o o n ' m e a n s . D o n ' t you
want to lose all c o n c e p t i o n of w h a t ' s o o n ' m e a n s , t o o ? "
" I d o , kind of." S h e lowered h e r eyes.
S u d d e n l y I r e m e m b e r e d b i r t h c o n t r o l . " S h o o t , t h a t ' s right.
A c o n d o m is out, b e c a u s e t h e r e h a s to b e total c o n t a c t . " I
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NICHOLSON
BAKER
m a d e p o p p i n g s o u n d s with my lips, t h i n k i n g . " Y o u ' r e n o t o n

t h e pill, are y o u ? "
" T h e r e ' s a m a n I see s o m e t i m e s . So I still a m technically,
yes."
" Y o u are? Ohgreat! Perfect." I waved my h a n d s . " F o r g e t
we talked a b o u t that. Let's talk a b o u t s o m e t h i n g else for a
w h i l e . " I asked h e r to tell m e m o r e a b o u t h e r b o t a n i c a l draw
i n g class. S h e d e s c r i b e d t h e difficulties of r e n d e r i n g bark. She
talked a b o u t h e r t e a c h e r . T h e r e was a nice m o m e n t w h e n she
finished saying s o m e t h i n g , a n d t o o k a bite of b r e a d , a n d
n o t i c e d t h a t I was l o o k i n g at h e r with a n o d d , gleeful expres
sion, a n d h e r face filled with friendly curiosity. It was time.
" M a y I ? " I said.
" M a y you w h a t ? "
" S n a p m y fingers?"
S h e d r a n k t h e rest of h e r wine. " O k a y . "
I s n a p p e d my
fingers.
I c a r r i e d h e r d o w n t h e s t o p p e d escalator to a sofa in t h e
lobby a n d f o u n d a r o l l i n g cart t h a t t h e b e l l h o p s used for
suitcases. I w e n t i n t o t h e b a c k r o o m s a n d f o u n d several blan
kets a n d pillows a n d p a d d e d t h e cart with t h e m . I p u t h e r
d o w n o n t h e cart, o n h e r side, with h e r legs b e n t . It took m e
less t h a n a n h o u r to p u s h h e r to h e r a p a r t m e n t . I stayed
mostly in t h e m i d d l e of t h e street. It h a d b e g u n to rain, b u t
we d i d n ' t get very wet b e c a u s e we were only d a m p e n e d by t h e
d r o p s t h a t were s u s p e n d e d in o u r p a t h , n o t by t h e o n e s above
us, a n d even in a heavy rain, t h e n u m b e r of d r o p s p e r cubic
foot is far fewer t h a n it a p p e a r s w h e n t h e r a i n is in m o t i o n . I
left t h e cart by t h e m a i l b o x e s a n d carried h e r upstairs a n d
u s e d h e r key. I laid h e r d o w n in t h e s u n p o r c h , o n h e r bed. I
k e p t m y eyes closed while I p u l l e d off h e r clothes a n d my own.
(I w a n t e d to b e able to tell h e r t h a t I h a d n ' t looked at her.)
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THE
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I a r r a n g e d t h e covers of t h e b e d over h e r a n d t h e n g o t in n e x t
to her. She was very w a r m . I lay t h e r e for a while with my eyes
closed, letting my h e a r t c a l m down. H e r m a t t r e s s p a d felt
terrific. I was tired a n d sleepy. I h a d a n a p of m a y b e half a n
A r n o - h o u r . W h e n I woke u p I t h o u g h t to myself, I ' m lying in
bed with t h e w o m a n w h o m , above all o t h e r s , I w a n t to b e in
bed with. I s n a p p e d my fingers.
Joyce b e g a n to say s o m e t h i n g t h a t b e g a n with " A l t h o u g h . "
She s t o p p e d abruptly. " W h a t h a p p e n e d h e r e ? "
"See h o w easy it is?" I said.
She t u r n e d h e r h e a d o n t h e pillow to look at m e . " W h a t did
you d o ? "
"I b r o u g h t you to y o u r a p a r t m e n t a n d got in b e d with y o u . "
H e r a r m m o v e d u n d e r t h e covers. " I d o n ' t have any clothes
on."
" T h a t ' s t r u e , " I said. " B u t I assure you, I k e p t my eyes
closed while I was t a k i n g t h e m off. I h a v e n ' t d o n e a n y t h i n g
seedily voyeuristic. T h e y ' r e over t h e r e . I j u s t w a n t e d to b e
totally n a k e d in b e d with y o u . " W e were b o t h lying o n o u r
backs. O u r a r m s t o u c h e d a little. T h e r o o m was d i m .
Joyce p u t h e r h a n d s o n h e r f o r e h e a d a n d t h o u g h t . " H o w
did you get m e h e r e ? D i d you drive?"
I e x p l a i n e d h o w difficult it was to drive d u r i n g a n e s t o p p e l ,
what with all t h e i m m o b i l e cars. I d e s c r i b e d t h e l u g g a g e cart
a n d t h e b o r r o w e d b e d d i n g . T h e n I said, " T h e r e ' s o n e serious
p r o b l e m , t h o u g h , having to d o with t i m e , w h i c h is t h a t as we
lie h e r e talking, o u r e n t r e e s m a y b e b e i n g served, a n d t h e
waiter may w o n d e r w h e r e we've g o n e . I left my j a c k e t t h e r e to
show t h a t we h a v e n ' t s k i p p e d o u t , b u t I t h i n k we s h o u l d find
a way i n t o t h e F e r m a t a t o g e t h e r as quickly as possible, b e f o r e
a n y o n e notices t h a t we've d i s a p p e a r e d at t h e r e s t a u r a n t , a n d
297
NICHOLSON
BAKER
t h e n o n c e we've d o n e t h a t we'll have loads of time to talk, a n d

we c a n stroll b a c k in a leisurely way a n d finish dessert."
"You m e a n ? "
"Yes, I t h i n k we have to m a k e love r i g h t now, a n d we have
to p u t off any foreplay u n t i l after we've S n a p p e d o u t a s s u m
ing, t h a t is, t h a t we d o successfully e n t e r t h e F e r m a t a to
g e t h e r . B u t let's try."
" C o u l d n ' t we at least kiss?"
" A r e y o u k i d d i n g ? " I said. " W e have to kiss. It's a necessity.
W e have to have a total m e n t a l a n d physical u n i o n for this to
work. Try to feel as m u c h love for m e as you c a n . "
So we p u t o u r a r m s a r o u n d e a c h o t h e r a n d started kissing.
I t h i n k we were b o t h s o m e w h a t surprised by h o w g o o d it felt.
H e r m o u t h was t h e best t h i n g my m o u t h h a d felt in quite a
while. I guess I h a d simply f o r g o t t e n t h a t t h e r e is n o satisfac
tory a u t o e r o t i c substitute for a kiss. O u r lips c o o p e r a t e d ; they
understood each other. In fourth grade I had a rubber stamp
t h a t said ARNOLD STRINE. I d i d n ' t like s t a m p i n g it h a r d . I liked
p l a c i n g t h e fully i n k e d s t a m p gently o n t h e p a p e r a n d rocking
it b a c k a n d forth as I p r e s s e d down, so t h a t my n a m e c a m e o u t
very dark, a n d t h e t o p s a n d b o t t o m s of t h e letters flared. While
J o y c e a n d I m a d e o u t , I closed my eyes a n d saw for a n instant
a n i m a g e of my o l d r u b b e r s t a m p b e i n g h e l d in t h e air a n d
b r o u g h t t o g e t h e r with a s e c o n d well-inked s t a m p saying JOYCE
COLLIER, SO t h a t o u r two n a m e s m e t face to face a n d rocked
t o g e t h e r , p r i n t i n g themselves o n e a c h o t h e r .
I ' d also f o r g o t t e n , I guess, t h a t t h e r e is n o substitute for t h e
j o y of first p u t t i n g y o u r a r m s a r o u n d a w o m a n ' s n u d i t y w h e n
t i m e is u n f r o z e n a n d w h e n she answers y o u r e m b r a c e by actu
ally embracing you back a n d you c a n ' t believe h o w well n a k e d
seamless b o d i e s c a n coincide, h o w a c c o m m o d a t i n g they c a n
be, even b e f o r e e r e c t i o n s have b e e n m a n u a l l y c o n f i r m e d a n d
298
THE
FERMATA
clitorises tested o r tasted. A n d it isn't often t h a t y o u begin

m a k i n g o u t with s o m e o n e , for t h e very first t i m e , in a state of
total nudity, as J o y c e a n d I did. As if it was all p a r t of o u r kiss,
as if o u r bodies were kissing, J o y c e m o v e d u n d e r n e a t h m e a n d
o p e n e d h e r legs a n d as I let m o r e of m y w e i g h t press o n h e r
she b r o u g h t m e inside, p a s t h e r lush black fur a n d i n t o h e r
hot Fermata.
I whispered to h e r h o w g o o d she felt. " R e a d y ? " I said.
"Yes." I felt h e r b r e a t h o n m y neck.
" H o l d m e really tight. S n a p y o u r fingers w h e n I d o . " I
c o u n t e d off, " O n e , two, t h r e e . " T h e n we kissed a g a i n a n d we
s n a p p e d o u r fingers in u n i s o n .
It was difficult to tell for a m o m e n t if a n y t h i n g h a d h a p
p e n e d . W e l o o k e d at e a c h o t h e r inquiringly, o u r eyebrows
raised. O u r slightest m o v e m e n t m a d e my cock s q u e a k with
pleasure.
" D i d it w o r k ? " J o y c e asked.
I listened. " H e a r that? It's totally quiet. T h a t ' s t h e way t h e
F e r m a t a always s o u n d s . It w o r k e d . "
She sighed with relief a n d started lifting h e r h i p s u p against
m e . " G o o d news," she m u r m u r e d . " G o o d news. C a n we d o
this for a while, t h o u g h ? "
"We c a n take as l o n g as we w a n t n o w , " I said.
Several A r n o - a n d - J o y c e - h o u r s later, we walked b a c k to t h e
Mridien, w h e e l i n g t h e l u g g a g e cart with us. I showed h e r t h e
negative black p a t h s o u r b o d i e s left b e h i n d in t h e constella
tions of h a n g i n g , glinting r a i n d r o p s . " S o w h i l e y o u ' r e o u t
o n walks like this," J o y c e said, " y o u j u s t take off a w o m a n ' s
clothes, if she attracts y o u ? "
I said I s o m e t i m e s did.
Joyce tried it. S h e u n d i d t h e b l a c k j e a n s of a m o t i o n l e s s m a n
in a l e a t h e r j a c k e t a n d p u l l e d o n his u n d e r p a n t s a n d p e e r e d
299
NICHOLSON
BAKER
inside. S h e also u n b u t t o n e d a b u s i n e s s m a n ' s r a i n c o a t a n d

r e a c h e d h e r h a n d i n t o his j a c k e t a n d felt his chest. "Hey, I
c o u l d l e a r n to like t h i s , " she said. W e took o u r seats at t h e
r e s t a u r a n t a n d c o u n t e d to t h r e e a n d s n a p p e d o u r fingers. T h e
waiter a p p e a r e d shortly after with o u r e n t r e e s . " T h e plates are
very h o t , " h e said i m p o r t a n t l y , h o l d i n g t h e m with a cloth. W e
h a d b e e n g o n e for n o m o r e t h a n five m i n u t e s ; n o b o d y h a d
missed us. J o y c e a n d I talked for a n o t h e r h o u r , a n d we d r a n k
s o m e m o r e a n d t h e n h a d s o m e coffee, a n d t h e n I walked h e r
h o m e a n d kissed h e r g o o d - n i g h t at h e r d o o r .
300
/Os
18
M
JL
- J L Y FINGER-SNAPPING PHASE IS NOW OVER, MY FOLD-
powers are currently g o n e . I a s s u m e I'll get t h e m b a c k s o o n e r

o r later, b u t I ' m never sure. W h a t h a p p e n e d , as far as I c a n
piece it t o g e t h e r , is t h a t o n e n i g h t , w h e n J o y c e a n d I were
having sex, I u n k n o w i n g l y transferred all m y f e r m a t i o n a l p r o
ficiencies to her. I h a d jokingly t r o t t e d o u t t h e p e n i s p u m p a n d
the G o d d e s s A t h e n a v i b r a t o r with t h e clit-stimulating forkflamed
t o r c h of wisdom a n d told h e r t h a t I'd b o u g h t t h e m
with h e r in m i n d , before we'd started g o i n g o u t . " I ' m n o t a b i g

vibrator p e r s o n , " J o y c e w a r n e d . B u t she d i d p u m p e n t h u s i a s
tically away at my penis with t h e p e n i s p u m p , s u c k i n g it u p
into t h e clear plastic v a c u u m c h a m b e r a n d w a t c h i n g its veins
30 1
NICHOLSON
BAKER
p o p o u t . W h e n m y p e n i s h a d h a d m o r e t h a n e n o u g h of t h a t
t r e a t m e n t , I p u l l e d it o u t a n d s u b s t i t u t e d t h e A t h e n a vibrator
in its place. J o y c e a n d I t h e n p u m p e d t h e vibrator with the
p e n i s p u m p for a while, s u c k i n g it in as far as it w o u l d go. A n d
finally, after s o m e cajoling, J o y c e t u r n e d o n t h e A t h e n a vibra
t o r a n d s l i p p e d it inside herself. T h e fork-flamed t o r c h of
w i s d o m t o o k h e r polytheistic clit to n e w h e i g h t s .
B u t w h a t we d i d n ' t realize at t h e t i m e was t h a t t h e penis
p u m p h a d s o m e h o w sucked all of m y t e m p o r a l powers o u t of
m e . T h e n , w h e n t h e A t h e n a v i b r a t o r w e n t i n t o t h e penis
p u m p , t h e s a m e powers were a p p a r e n t l y transferred to it, a n d
w h e n t h e A t h e n a v i b r a t o r m u t t e r e d its way d e e p i n t o Joyce,
t h e p o w e r s e n t e r e d her. As a result, t h e n e x t t i m e I s n a p p e d
m y fingers, n o t h i n g at all h a p p e n e d o r r a t h e r , everything
k e p t o n h a p p e n i n g . B u t t h e n e x t t i m e J o y c e clicked o n t h e
switch of h e r A t h e n a vibrator, t i m e dutifully h a l t e d for her.
I find I d o n ' t miss t h e Fold t o o terribly m u c h at present. My
self-discipline has i m p r o v e d . I ' m still t e m p i n g , b u t I've b e g u n
g o i n g over s o m e of t h e n o t e s for my m a s t e r ' s thesis. (It's a
history of D o v e r Books.) Joyce, m e a n w h i l e , is having a g o o d
time. S h e carries h e r v i b r a t i n g Cleft-Goddess a r o u n d with h e r
in h e r p u r s e a n d t u r n s it o n at will, as w h e n she has a n
i m p o r t a n t d e a d l i n e at MassBank t h a t she c a n ' t otherwise
m e e t . S h e strips p e d e s t r i a n s a n d tells m e a b o u t s t r a n g e geni
talia she h a s seen a n d k n o w n . S h e talks of t a k i n g a j a u n t d o w n
to W a s h i n g t o n a n d s u c k i n g t h e p r e s i d e n t i a l dick. S o m e t i m e s
she uses F o l d tricks while we're h a v i n g sex: for instance, she
will a l t e r n a t e h e r m o u t h a n d h e r v a d g e o n my richard so fast
t h a t I feel as if I ' m in b o t h places at o n c e a s if she's twirling
over m e . We've m e n t i o n e d m a r r i a g e as a possibility.
T h e o t h e r day I was in h e r a p a r t m e n t . I did s o m e p u s h u p s
o n t h e floor. T h e n I sat o n h e r b e d . I called out, " C a n I tell
302
THE
FERMATA
you a b o u t this g r e a t d r e a m I o n c e h a d a b o u t h o w y o u saved

t h e two of us with y o u r flying b l u e brassiere?"
"Briefly," said J o y c e from t h e b a t h r o o m . S h e was u n b r a i d i n g h e r hair.
"We were in a b o a t in t h e m i d d l e of this lake of sulfuric
acid," I happily b e g a n , " a n d you were w e a r i n g y o u r
flying
b l u e brassiere . . . "
Joyce has saved m e , for t h e t i m e b e i n g . I h a v e n ' t t a k e n a
stranger's clothes off in weeks now. I ' m trying to interest a
p u b l i s h e r in my a u t o b i o g r a p h y . B u t even if n o b o d y wants to
p u b l i s h it, I c o u l d still have, say, a h u n d r e d c o p i e s m a d e u p .
I'll typeset t h e m myself. I'll get C o p y C o p to b i n d t h e m . I'll
design a j a c k e t t h a t uses t h e l o g o of s o m e flush, b i g - n a m e
p u b l i s h e r like R a n d o m H o u s e . Yes, I'll p u t t h a t little stylized
h o u s e o n t h e b o t t o m of t h e s p i n e of my b o o k . I'll u s e a c o l o r
copier to m a k e t h e cover. It will look like a real book! A n d
t h e n , a s s u m i n g I get my Fold-powers back, I'll go to W a t e r
stone's o r t h e A v e n u e Victor H u g o a n d D r o p a n d p u t this
b o o k in p e o p l e ' s h a n d s j u s t as they t h i n k t h e i r fingers are
closing o n s o m e o t h e r , real, b o o k . T h e y will r e a d m e . W o r d
will spread. T h e F e r m a t a , my F e r m a t a , t h e k e e p e r of all my
secrets, will b e a secret n o longer.
303
ABOUT
THE
AUTHOR
NICHOLSON BAKER was b o r n in 1957.
a u t h o r of The Mezzanine
H e is
the
( 1 9 8 8 ) , Room Tempera
ture ( 1 9 9 0 ) , / a w r f / ( 1 9 9 1 ) , a n d Fox ( 1 9 9 2 ) . H e
has written for The New Yorker a n d The Atlantic
Monthly. H e is m a r r i e d with two c h i l d r e n .

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U.S.A. $21.

Arno Strine likes to stop time

born in 1957. He attended the

(1990), U and I (1991), and

Atlantic Monthly. He is married with two children.

Copyright 1994 by Nicholson Baker

AM GOING T O CALL MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY

t h o u g h " f e r m a t a " is only o n e of t h e m a n y n a m e s I have for

s e e m s ultimately to c o m e from within m e , g r a n d i o s e as that

B u t I d o know this w o m a n ' s n a m e . I've typed s o m e of h e r

pletely u n i n t e r e s t e d I was in h e r m e n t i o n of a m a l e friend.

t e m p o r a l powers have always b e e n linked in a way I d o n ' t

seriously; I was willing to u n d e r s t a n d it n o t j u s t in t h e n a r r o w

today, A r n o ? " C o n t a c t lenses also, I noticed, m a d e m e

feel, as l o u d c o n t i n u o u s factory noise also will, t e n feet farther

a l o n g t h e line I realized t h a t if I liked glasses o n w o m e n ,

o n m e . O n n a k e d w o m e n glasses work for m e t h e way spike

abbreviation, worse t h a n " F r i s c o . " I have b e e n a t e m p for over

t h e i r officeWhat is this u n y o u n g m a n , this thirty-five-yearold m a n , d o i n g t e m p i n g ? Maybe h e h a s a c r i m i n a l past, o r

now, b e c a u s e I have s n a p p e d my fingers, every event every

p e r s o n a l m i n u t e s o r h o u r s o r days it took (for a watch usually

optical influence of s o m e t h i n g she h a d n o t i c e d a n d liked. It

This is my latest m e t h o d of e n t e r i n g t h e Fold, a n d o n e of t h e

S h e d i d n ' t h e a r t h e s n a p , only I d i d t h e universe halts at

w o m a n inspires h e r own fetishes. A n d it isn't t h a t J o y c e h a s

were h o t - w i r i n g a car; my h e a r t ' s twin c a r b u r e t o r s r o a r e d into

soon a g a i n was t h a t she h a d liked my c o m p l i m e n t i n g h e r o n

p r e t z e l k n o t . I d o u b t t h a t this fact of m y b i r t h has a n y t h i n g to

t h r o u g h it. I tied a k n o t in myself. Like m a n y child

p r o d i g i e s , however, I fizzled early. T h e F e r m a t a , first unfold

O n c e , following a l o n g lull, I f o u n d a way to g e t b a c k i n t o

o n , a n d I w e n t to sleep. I still feel b a d a b o u t stealing those

amass a few t h o u s a n d dollars, so I w o u l d have w o r k e d for m y

gling o u t of t h a t f o u r t h v u l n e r a b l e shy finger, the p l a n e t

a n y o n e a n g u i s h . I n fact I have with t h e Fold's h e l p saved a few

t h e b e g i n n i n g , i m a g i n e t h a t I w a n t e d to see Miss Dobzhansky

W h e n she felt t h e c o o l e r air o n h e r skin a n d discovered t h a t

serenity a n d ability to adjust to any eventuality

I felt t h a t this was n o t s o m e t h i n g I w a n t e d to d o at all. W h a t

t r e m b l e d , of course. A n d even now, twenty-five years later, m y

i n t o a little private s a n c t u m elegantly c u p p i n g s o m e t h i n g t h a t

at it for a second, puzzled, a n d t h e n she picked u p a p i e c e of

o r a n g e leaves with g r e e n spray p a i n t to see w h e t h e r they

m i g h t have c h r o n o a c t i v e effects. I h e a t e d six m a r b l e s o n a

w a s n ' t u n t i l t h e s u m m e r after fifth g r a d e t h a t I was o n c e again

- A . A N Y TEMPS D O N T LIKE D O I N G TAPES; I D O .

I like t r a n s c r i b i n g s o m e tapes b e t t e r t h a n o t h e r s . I n t h e early

was, a n d , guessing, I typed Armaniac. Discovering this, Fleury

error, h e c o u l d have at least passed o n t h e fact t h a t t h e word

It isn't difficult to i m a g i n e a n erotic aspect to all this. S a n d i ,

in J o y c e ' s case, w h e n I let myself really e n t e r h e r t a p e , w h e n

m i n d is a lyric cry in t h e m i d s t of b u s i n e s s , " says G e o r g e

race-track only w o r k e d as a c h r o n o c l u t c h after my fallen h a n d

elder h a d written to G. E. M o o r e , C. S. Pierce, a n d A. A.

from a forty-nine-cent b a g of Alliance r u b b e r b a n d s ,

As s o o n as I got t h e ratios r i g h t (by e a r ) ,

t h e lab, t h e w o m a n , C a m b r i d g e , a n d everything else, with t h e

assignments in a given y e a r s o m e for a week o r two, s o m e for

j o s h i n g a n d bluster, t h a t I d o n ' t r e m e m b e r theirs, since to