Parents Matter… So Do their Words

By Susan T. Dinnocenti, Ph.D

Parents often or she is characters younger sister,
use words like wonderful, having a (a much
"TERRIFIC", terrific, or the conversation poorer writer
"GREAT", best athlete, about a mutual in Sarah's
"YOU"RE THE student, artist, friend. Their opinion!),
BEST", or writer, dancer compassion about a story
THAT'S … may find it for others was the sister had
WONDERFUL difficult to to become written.
" in reaction to achieve skill or apparent as
their child's personal they spoke “My mom’s
academic, growth in a with each comments
artistic, particular other. When meant
creative, or area. If the Sarah’s mom nothing,”
athletic same words offered Sarah told me.
performances. are used with feedback she “I don’t think
While these other siblings told her she even read
superlatives they may have daughter, my story. How
are heartfelt even less "That story will I ever
they can meaning. you wrote was know when a
become "GREAT", you story is really
overused and A case in are just the good or how to
convey very point: As a "BEST" in improve if she
little meaning personal life everything you says the same
to a child who coach for do." Sarah thing every
is looking for young people asked her time? Why
more ages 5 – 21, I mom how she can’t she tell
constructive recently thought the me the truth so
comments in worked with conversation that I can be
order to an 11-year-old between the better in what
improve his or client, Sarah. two characters I love to do?"
her One of her went. Her
performance. personal goals mom replied, While Sarah’s
This can be was to improve “Oh, that part mother did not
especially true her writing. It was communicate
when children is an academic TERRIFIC! I in a way that
judge their strength area could tell they added value to
work as as well as a were having her daughter’s
mediocre and passion. She fun." Sarah search for
regard a had written a was improvement,
parent’s high four-page disappointed, Sarah had not
praise as story and left it especially told her
superficial or on the dining when she mother the
insincere. room table for overheard her purpose of the
her mom to mother use the assignment
A child who critique. Her same and what she
consistently piece centered complimentary needed in a
hears that he on two main words with a critique.
 prowess over new together so
This same type other circumstances. that the words
of teammates. Colin did not that matter
communicatio He won easily make the can be
n gap may and was travel team expressed.
exist in the awarded the and could only
area of trophies and play on the STEP 1 –
athletics. accolades from town REFLECT
Depending on coaches and recreation ■ Think
the age of the parents who team. about
child and the supported his how you
current level of “terrificness.” "Colin was so critique
competition lost out there your
hearing the However, the day of child
words “great, when Colin tryouts," his ○ Do
terrific…” turned 10 he mother you
consistently entered into reported. "I sit
during the the travel team just knew that down
growing years arena where whatever and
may come competition encouragemen give
back to deflate included 10-12 t I had been eye
the child's self- year olds who giving him just conta
esteem if the were even wasn't working ct?
child is later bigger and anymore. ○ Does
cut from a more When he your
travel or experienced. didn't make child
school team. He had the team I was have
become a at a loss for a
Colin, a 9- "terrific" little words." chan
year-old sports fish in a ce to
fanatic, who "great" ocean. Both Colin and respo
especially Sarah would nd?
loved At team have benefited ○ Do
basketball, was tryouts those from you
told from the words of meaningful write
age of 4 that he “terrific, best, and purposeful down
was “terrific” great …” did communicatio your
at any sport he not coincide n and from com
tried. He was with how he having ment
also a bit felt. They had practiced and s?
bigger than his no real internalized ■ Without
same age peers meaning in the strategies understa
and he was applying of optimism. nding
able to specific There are what you
dominate in positive steps, which do now,
both skill and thinking and parent and you
physical behavior under child can take cannot
 move st- ion or the 2nd
forward open attend a paragrap
in ○ Adve performa h," or
commun rsari nce by "Your
icating al – your defense
with water child, in the 1st
your and mutually half held
child oil establish the
○ Role particula center to
STEP 2 – Mod r areas to 2 pts.")
RELATIONS e/Ido critique
HIP l– (e.g. how
■ Determi child the child STEP 3
ne how belie used cont.
you and ves metapho ■ Questio
your pare r, or how n Back
child nt is the child – Get
relate to the played feedback
each ultim defense) from
other ate your
○ Man being ■ Describ child
ageri ■ It is e with
al – crucial to Behavi his/her
you know ors – own
are your Specifica recogniti
the view and lly on of
pare your address demonst
nt child's what rated
there view of your behavior
fore the child s
you relations demonst (e.g.
know hip as rated in "Using
what' your the metapho
s best words performa r is a
for will echo nce (e.g. challeng
the the tone "Your e for me
child of your descripti – I am
○ Frien feelings on of the glad you
dly – sunrise saw the
a STEP 3 – being a colors of
mutu CRITIQUE burning the
al TECHNIQUES yoke sunrise, I
give ■ Purpose ascendin want to
and – Before g into use more
take you read the sky of that in
– a was so my
hone composit vivid in writing."
 or "Well, re-read child T. Dinnocenti,
I played previous relationship Ph.D. at 203
the commen with 536- 5496
center ts given communicatio susan@enrich
really to your n that is clear yourchild.com
tight child to and or
because I avoid constructive. www.enrichyo
knew he using the The child urchild.com
could same already knows
score if I words that "Parents Byline info:
didn't.") Matter" and so Susan T.
STEP 4 – will their Dinnocenti,
■ Feedba PRACTICE words when has a Ph.D. in
ck – List ■ Improve they count the Talent
the d most. Development
commen commun and
ts from ication For further Educational
both you on information on Psychology
and your critiquin how to apply and is an Asst
child in g your and utilize the Professor of
an child's critique Education at
ongoing performa techniques or Sacred Heart
journal, nce to University,
or on the requires schedule/atten Fairfield, CT
game patience, d a workshop and is also a
schedule practice, on Using Personal Life
posted and Words That Coach for Kids
on the being Matter, and Parents.
refrigera present. contact Susan
tor –
have the ■ If time
informat is limited
ion to
accessibl commen
e to both t, hold
of you off until
quality
■ Rewind time is
Your available
Mind – for both
Before of you.
the next
composit In time, these
ion or four (4) steps
event, will strengthen
reflect and nourish
back or the parent-