TRUMAN WACO

"Binge Watching"
Written by Rodney Ohebswion

Copyright 2015

INT. WACO HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Truman and Levi walk in carrying a TV box with a pizza box
on top of it.
CARLA
I thought you were going to bring
us a pizza.
They put the boxes down.
TRUMAN
I did. Its right on top of this
new TV.
CARLA
Truman. We already have five TVs.
TRUMAN
Well. Well put this new one in the
living room.
CARLA
Well what are we gonna do with the
TV thats already in our living
room?
TRUMAN
Isnt it obvious? Well move that
TV to our bedroom, well put our
bedroom TV in Brunos room, well
put the one in Brunos room in the
kitchen, well put the kitchen TV
in our bathroom where the toilet is
right now, and then well move the
toilet to our computer room where
the fax machine is, and well throw
away the fax machine, since we
havent sent or received a fax
since 1992.
CARLA
We dont have a computer room.
Also, our fax machine is one of
Levis best friends.
LEVI
Its better than having a dog. I
mean, you come home, you pet the
fax machine, and it responds with a
nice, loving (imitates fax machine
noise, and then moves on to the car
alarm sound).

2.

TRUMAN
(to Carla)
Well then, were gonna have to go
with Plan B.
He walks into the kitchen, grabs a TV, puts it in the sink,
and then turns on the trash compacter. He walks back into
the living room.
TRUMAN
Now we have room for the new TV.
LEVI
Well. I gotta get going. You know
how my wife is. She wants me to be
home at 8:30 sharp. Shes like a
drill sergeant.
TRUMAN
Well. You got a few minutes. Have a
slice before you go.
LEVI
Well. I mean, I already ate an
entire pizza in the car. But
yeah--I guess I can have another
slice.
TRUMAN
Also, you dont have a wife or
home. You live here with us.
LEVI
Right. Yeah. In that case, Ill
have two slices.
Truman opens the TV box.
TRUMAN
What the hell is this? We ordered
mushrooms and peppers.
BRUNO
Thats the TV.
TRUMAN
Oh. Right.
He opens the pizza box, removes a slice of pizza, and begins
eating it. He grabs a remote, points it at the new TV, and
presses power repeatedly. The new TV doesnt turn on, but
the old TV set up in the room turns on and off repeatedly.

3.

TRUMAN
How come the new TV isnt turning
on?
BRUNO
Well. I can think of three main
reasons. One, youre using the
remote for the old TV. Two, you
havent plugged in the new TV. And
three, you havent even removed the
new TV from the box.
TRUMAN
Well why do they have to make
technology so complicated these
days? In the 80s, you didnt have
to do all of that unbox and plug in
crap. You just pressed power on
your old remote, and your new TV
turned on. Plus, gas only cost 23
cents a gallon, and when you got an
STD, it actually made you better at
sex. Not like all these new STDs.
(later)
Bruno finishes setting up the TV. He uses the remote and
turns the TV on.
BRUNO
OK. This is a Smart TV.
TRUMAN
What does that mean?
BRUNO
It connects to the internet.
TRUMAN
Right. Just like my underwear.
BRUNO
Your underwears not connected to
the internet.
TRUMAN
Then how come any time I take off
my underwear, I hear the AOL guy
say, "Youve got mail!"
BRUNO
Because youre a schizophrenic.

4.

LEVI
And you still pay AOL $15 a month.
Even though you dont need AOL.
TRUMAN
Right.
He takes out his cell phone and dials a number.
MAN (ON CELL PHONE)
AOL accounts. How can I help you?
TRUMAN
This is
Truman12345VoteForAnyoneButNaderin2000@aol.com.
I need you to cancel my account.
MAN (ON CELL PHONE)
May I ask why you want to cancel
your account?
TRUMAN
Because I dont want to hear
"youve got mail" any time I take
off my underwear.
MAN (ON CELL PHONE)
Well. I gotta admit. Thats a
pretty good reason. Its much
better than the idiotic reasons
people usually give me. Like just
the other day, some guy was all
like, "I want to cancel my
account." And when I asked him why,
that dipshit was all like, "Because
none of your damn business, you son
of a bitch."
TRUMAN
OK. Im gonna hang up now, you son
of a bitch.
TRUMAN
(to Bruno)
So whats so great about having a
TV thats connected to the
internet?
BRUNO
Well. You can watch TV shows
whenever you want. Like, you click
on HBO Go, and then you click on
Sex and the City, and then you can
(MORE)

5.

BRUNO (contd)
find the episode where Carrie and
Mr. Big eat nachos for dinner.
TRUMAN
How do you know so much about Sex
and the City?
BRUNO
Because Im a ten year old boy.
Doesnt every ten year old boy know
a lot about Sex and the City?
LEVI
When I was 10, I watched the
A-Team. Its a lot like Sex and the
City--except it has Mr. T instead
of Carrie, and he kills people
instead of having sex and writing a
column.
TRUMAN
Im pretty sure Mr. T has a lot of
sex.
LEVI
Yeah. But its not on the show. Mr.
T kills people on the show, and
then he goes home and has sex.
TRUMAN
You forgot to mention how he wears
50 pounds of gold chains around his
neck.
LEVI
Right. Yeah. I keep forgetting to
mention that. Mr. T wears 50 pounds
of gold chains around his neck, he
kills people on the show, and then
he goes home and has sex.
TRUMAN
Does he keep the chains on while
hes having sex?
LEVI
Yes. And he also adds another 50
pounds of gold chains.
BRUNO
(flips through the HBO Go
menu)
(MORE)

6.
BRUNO (contd)
Anyways, look. Any episode of any
HBO show. You can even watch, like,
a whole season of a show all at
once. Its called binge watching.
TRUMAN
Sounds stupid to me.
INT. HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Truman is watching TV. Carla walks into the room.
CARLA
Honey. Did you go to bed last
night?
TRUMAN
No.
CARLA
Well what the hell have you been
doing?
TRUMAN
You ever heard of a show called
Entourage?
CARLA
Yeah.
TRUMAN
Im watching it.
CARLA
You spent all night watching
Entourage?
TRUMAN
Well. It ran for eight seasons. Im
up to season three.
CARLA
You dont have to watch all eight
seasons in one sitting.
TRUMAN
Honey--will you stop talking? Aris
about the close the deal for
Medellin.
Levi walks out of the kitchen.

7.

CARLA
Are you ready?
LEVI
Yeah.
CARLA
Well wheres your bag?
LEVI
Why would I need a bag to go back
upstairs and have sex with the
woman in my room?
CARLA
What are you talking about? Were
going to mom and dads house.
LEVI
Oh. When you said, "Are you ready?"
I thought you meant, "Are you ready
to go back upstairs and have sex
with the woman in your room?"
CARLA
Why the hell would I ask that? I
meant, "Are you ready to leave for
mom and dads house?"
LEVI
No. Let me go get packed.
He goes upstairs, and comes back down seconds later with a
WOMAN. Hes also holding a plastic bag containing some
clothes.
LEVI
OK. Im ready. Oh--this is my
friend Brooke. Brooke--this is my
sister Carla.
CARLA
Hi.
BROOKE
Hi.
(to Levi)
Wow, Joe. You must be a really good
brother. I mean, you let your
sister live here at your house.

8.
LEVI
Actually, this is her house.
BROOKE
Oh. No wonder your room isnt the
master bedroom. So, uh, I guess
youre not really a millionaire who
makes iPhone apps.
LEVI
Yeah. That was a little white lie.
BROOKE
Um. That doesnt really qualify as
a little white lie.
LEVI
Well, I expanded the definition of
little white lie, to include any
lies you tell women so that theyll
sleep with you. So when I told you
I was an iPhone app millionaire,
that was a little white lie. As was
that thing I said about how Im Joe
DiCaprio, brother of Leonardo
DiCaprio. That was also a little
white lie. And the 100 pounds of
gold chains I was wearing while we
were having sex--they were also
little white lies.
BROOKE
Is there anything about last night
that wasnt a little white lie?
LEVI
Well. Remember when I said that I
only shower four times a week? That
was 100% true. As a matter of fat,
its 133% true--because I only show
three times a week. Oh--and the
thing I said about having a PhD in
chemistry. Thats also true.
Bruno walks down the stairs.
BRUNO
Alright. Im packed.
CARLA
Truman. Were leaving for my
parents house, and well be back
tomorrow afternoon.

9.

TRUMAN
(imitating Ari Gold)
The gym, Lloyd! The fucking gym!
INT. HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT
Truman is still watching TV. Carla, Levi, and Bruno walk in.
Truman continues watching TV.
CARLA
Truman. Were home.
TRUMAN
(to an imaginary person)
Hold on, Lloyd. My wife is on the
other line.
CARLA
Who the hell are you talking to?
TRUMAN
Honey--I cant chat now. Vince is
about to get out of rehab, and
were about to close the deal for
Aquaman 3.
CARLA
Youve
been watching Entourage nonstop
since we left?
TRUMAN
Thats correct.
CARLA
That was a day and a half ago.
TRUMAN
I didnt hire you to be my gay
Chinese calendar, Lloyd.
CARLA
Truman--youve spent an entire
weekend watching Entourage.
TRUMAN
Its no big deal, honey. Everyone
does it. Its called binge
watching.

10.
LEVI
Nobody binge watches eight seasons
of a show without stopping.
TRUMAN
The gym, Lloyd! The fucking gym!
LEVI
Im not Lloyd. Shes Lloyd.
CARLA
Im not Lloyd,
either. Truman--youre becoming
obsessed with this show. Youre an
addict.
BRUNO
Yeah. Why cant you be addicted to
a good show, like Sex and the City,
or Thats My Mama?
TRUMAN
Im not addicted to Entourage. I
mean, Im about to finish it. You
cant be addicted to something that
youre done with. Let me put it
this way. If you finish all of the
worlds crack, then you cant be
addicted to crack. Theres no more
crack to be addicted to.
CARLA
Well how much more crack do you
have to do?
TRUMAN
Five episodes.
CARLA
Fine.
INT HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY
Carla is awake in bed. She wakes Truman up.
CARLA
Honey. Get up. Youre gonna be late
for work.
TRUMAN
I dont work at the factory
anymore.

11.

CARLA
What do you mean?
TRUMAN
Im gonna be an agent, like Ari
Gold.
CARLA
Ari Gold is a fictional character.
TRUMAN
Hes based on a real agent named
Morty Edelman. Hes the guy who
got Bob Saget the Full House deal
in the 80s. Before that, Bob Saget
was just some some nobody actor,
and he was still performing using
his real name.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
(Flashback Scene)
A young BOB SAGET is sitting across from MORTY (45).
MORTY
So youre looking for a new agent?
BOB SAGET
Yeah.
MORTY
Whats your name?
BOB SAGET
Bob Sotherfucker.
MORTY
Sotherfucker? You shouldnt perform
using that name. You gotta use a
stage name. Bob Sotherfucker sounds
too much like Bob Motherfucker.
BOB SAGET
I guess so. Well If Im not gonna
be Bob Sotherfucker, then who
should I be?
MORTY
How about you change your name to
Bob Socksucker, or Bob Saget?

12.
BOB SAGET
Bob Saget?
MORTY
Yeah.
BOB SAGET
Well. Its better than Bob
Sotherfuker. OK. So how are you
gonna get me acting jobs?
MORTY
Well. I have an idea. ABC is
looking for someone to star in a
new cheesy family sitcom called
Full House.
BOB SAGET
Oh. Great. You can get me an
audition?
MORTY
Audition? No--thats not how you
get cast in a cheesy family sitcom.
BOB SAGET
How do you get cast in a cheesy
family sitcom?
MORTY
(on speakerphone / intercom)
Gina--get me a video camera and
some Rocky Road ice cream.
INT. 1980S ABC OFFICE - DAY
ABCS PRESIDENT (male, 45) is talking to an ABC EXECUTIVE
(male, 40).
ABC PRESIDENT
Im thinking of moving MacGyver
over to Wednesday, and then moving
Growing pains to Tuesday, and
switching Whos the Boss over
Thursday, and then we can shimmy
Mr. Belvedere into our Monday
lineup, and boom---on Tuesdays,
well show Make Room for Daddy.
ABC EXECUTIVE
Thats a good idea--except Make
Room for Daddy was canceled.

13.

ABC PRESIDENT
What? Who canceled it?
ABC EXECUTIVE
Your father, in 1964.
ABC EXECUTIVE 2 (male, 40) walks into the room holding a
video tape.
ABC EXECUTIVE 2
You gotta see this video. Its
pretty amazing.
ABC PRESIDENT
What is it?
ABC EXECUTIVE 2
Its some actor named Bob Saget.
ABC PRESIDENT
Did you say Bob Socksucker?
ABC EXECUTIVE 2
No. Bob Saget.
He puts the rap in a VCR, and everyone watches it. It show
Bob Saget chocking himself and rubbing his body with Rocky
Road ice cream.
ABC PRESIDENT
This man is a sick son of a bitch,
and he ought to be shot in the head
immediately. Thats why we should
make him the star of our new family
sitcom Full House.
INT. HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY
TRUMAN
And thats the story of how Morty
Edelman changed Bob Sotherfuckers
name to Bob Saget, and got him on
Full House. He also got him on
Americas Funniest Home Videos--but
thats a different story involving
a completely different flavor of
ice cream.
CARLA
Great. But that doesnt mean you
should become an agent.

14.
TRUMAN
The gym, Lloyd! The fucking gym!
CARLA
Let me ask you this. How are you
gonna find clients?
TRUMAN
Ill post an ad on Craigslist.
CARLA
Truman. No one looks for agents on
Craigslist.
INT. ROOM - DAY
MEL GIBSON is sitting in an office, and talking on the
phone.
MEL GIBSON
(on phone)
What do you mean?! ... Well you
know what? Youre fired! Thats
right. Ill find a new agent.
Mel hangs up the phone and gets on his computer.
MEL GIBSON
Lets see. Craigslist. Agent. Here
we go. "Truman Waco, superagent.
Unlike most people in Hollywood.
Im not an idiot. Also, Im not in
Hollywood." Interesting.
INT. CHANGS CHEESE SANDWICH SHOP - DAY
Truman is sitting at a table with Mel Gibson.
TRUMAN
So what can I do for you?
MEL GIBSON
Um. Why are we having this meeting
in a cheese sandwich shop?
TRUMAN
Its, uh--this is actually my
office. But I like cheese
sandwiches so much, that I had a
cheese sandwich shop built in my
office.

15.

MEL GIBSON
Wow. Thats pretty impressive. Most
other superagencies have a fountain
in their office. You have a entire
cheese sandwich shop--with some
Chinaman running the place. You
even have a sign outside your
office that says Changs Cheese
Sandwich Shop.
TRUMAN
So what can I do for you?
MEL GIBSON
Well. Im an actor.
TRUMAN
Wait a second. I think I recognize
you. Are you that black guy in
Lethal Weapon?
MEL GIBSON
No.
TRUMAN
Oh. Well. Do you know him? Because
I would love to represent him.
MEL GIBSON
Well. Ill have him call you. But,
uh, Im looking for a new agent.
Because Ive had a tough
time getting roles.
TRUMAN
Why? Because your name is Bob
Socksucker?
MEL GIBSON
No. My name is Mel Gibson.
TRUMAN
Mel Gibson. That name sounds
familiar. Are you the black guy in
Lethal Weapon 2?
MEL GIBSON
No.
TRUMAN
And is that why youre not getting
any roles?

16.

MEL GIBSON
No. Im not getting any roles
because of a little
misunderstanding between me and the
public. People heard me say that
Jews are the cause of every war in
human history, and African American
men travel in packs and rape
provocatively dressed women--and
now, for some reason, everyones
spreading rumors that Im some sort
of racist.
TRUMAN
Oh. Well. Lets see.
Levi is sitting at the table next to theirs.
TRUMAN
(to Levi)
Lloyd. Im gonna need a video
camera, and five gallons of Praline
ice cream.
(to Mel Gibson)
Mel--Im gonna need you to take off
your shirt.
(Later)
TRUMAN
Alright. I put your ice cream tape
on the internet--and the only job
offer it got you was a small role
on the Barney the Dinosaur show.
MEL GIBSON
I hate that damn dinosaur. Jews and
dinosaurs are the cause of every
war in human history. Ill bet the
Jews are working together with the
dinosaurs. Ben Bernanke, and Ben
Stiller, and a tyrannosaurus rex
have meetings where they change
interest rates, and they run around
like a pack of African-Americans.
TRUMAN
I see. Well. Uh. I think I might be
able to get you a role in the new
Aquaman movie.

17.

MEL GIBSON
Great. By the way--I just moved to
your city. Are there any mansions
here that I can live in? Preferable
one in the non-African-American,
non-Jewish part of town.
TRUMAN
Mansion? Nonsense. You can live in
my house.
INT. WACO HOME (BEDROOM) - NIGHT
Carla and Truman are in bed.
CARLA
Truman. Why is Mel Gibson sleeping
on the floor next to our bed?
Mel Gibson is sleeping on the floor next to their bed.
TRUMAN
Oh. Hes my new client.
CARLA
Youre representing Mel Gibson?
TRUMAN
Yeah.
CARLA
Um, but--you know.
MEL GIBSON
What? What does he know?
CARLA
Well. The thing.
MEL GIBSON
What thing? Are you referring to
the Jewish war thing, or the pack
of African-Americans thing?
CARLA
Um. What?
MEL GIBSON
You sound like a whore.

18.

CARLA
I dont think I do.
TRUMAN
Now, Mel. Weve had this discussion
before. You cant go around calling
all women whores.
MEL GIBSON
You would say something like that,
you Jew son of a bitch.
TRUMAN
Im not Jewish.
MEL GIBSON
Then why are you my agent? My agent
has to be a Jew. Jews are great
agents.
TRUMAN
Oh. Well then Im Jewish.
MEL GIBSON
You would say something like that,
you Jew son of a bitch.
TRUMAN
I cant argue with that.
INT. WACO HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Carla is alone in the living room. Mel Gibson walks in.
MEL GIBSON
Wheres your Jew husband?
CARLA
Um. I guess he went to work.
MEL GIBSON
Right. Yeah. Well, maybe Ill go
down to his office and get a cheese
sandwich or something.
Truman walks in with CASSANDRA (25).
TRUMAN
Honey. Mel. Say hello to my new
client, Cassandra Kardashian. Shes
the other Kardashian sister.

19.

CARLA
Shes sisters with Kim Kardashian?
TRUMAN
Well. Im not legally allowed to
say that she is, since shes not.
But I am legally allowed to imply
that she is. I mean, her last name
is really, Kardashian, and she has
sisters.
MEL GIBSON
She sounds like a whore.
TRUMAN
She hasnt said anything yet.
CARLA
How did you find her?
TRUMAN
Well, I went to a crackhouse, and I
said, "Are there any Kardashian
sisters here?" And Kim Kardashian
said yes, Khloe Kardashian said
yes, Cassandra Kardashian said yes,
and Gary Busey said yes. And
Cassandra signed with me. As for
Gary Busey, he didnt sign with
me--but I did convince him to
change his name to Gary Socksucker.
Where the hell is Lloyd?
(calls out)
Lloyd!
CARLA
I though I was Lloyd.
Levi walks out of the kitchen.
LEVI
What is it?
TRUMAN
Lloyd. This is our new client,
Cassandra Kardashian.
LEVI
Hello. Miss Kardashian. Were
thrilled to have you here at the
Truman Gold agency. Can I get you a
drink?

20.
CASSANDRA
(Russian accent)
Vodka. One bottle of vodka. And one
ice cube.
CARLA
Truman. Shes Russian.
TRUMAN
Its OK, honey. Shes not a
communist. I checked.
CARLA
But people arent gonna believe
shes a Kardashian sister if she
has a Russian accent.
TRUMAN
Thats true.
(to Levi)
Lloyd. Were gonna have to train
her to drop the Russian accent, and
develop a Kardashian accent.
LEVI
No problem. Repeat after me, Miss
Kardashian.
(imitating Kim Kardashian)
I love to eat Kit Kats.
CASSANDRA
I love to eat Kitty Kats.
LEVI
(imitating Kim Kardashian)
Kit Kats.
CASSANDRA
Kit Kats.
LEVI
(imitating Kim Kardashian)
I get letters from little girls,
begging me to adopt them.
CASSANDRA
I get letters from little girls,
begging me to adopt them.
LEVI
(imitating Kim Kardashian)
Khloe--you have a better looking
vagina than I thought.

21.

CASSANDRA
Khloe--you have a better looking
vagina than I thought.
LEVI
Very good. Now we need you to start
dating a black man.
A BLACK MAN walks in.
BLACK MAN
Im a black man.
MEL GIBSON
How come people think Im racist,
just because I want to kick your
African-American ass?
INT. WACO HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
(Later)
Carla is seated at a sofa with five WOMEN, and everyones
holding a copy of the same book.
CARLA
I thought Megans quest for the hot
dog bun was a metaphor for the way
people crave glory and seek it,
often in the most ridiculous, vain
ways imaginable.
WOMAN
You know, this is a really good
book club. I feel so intellectual
when Im here.
Cassandra walks downstairs and into the living room. Shes
smoking a cigarette and wearing nothing but a bra and
panties. She walks through the living room and into the
kitchen.
WOMAN
Who was that?
CARLA
Uh. I hired an actress to portray
Megan.
WOMAN
Why was she half naked?

22.
CARLA
Her bra and panties are a metaphor
for the hot dog bun.
Mel Gibson is standing near them.
MEL GIBSON
You sound like a whore.
WOMAN
(to Carla)
Why is Mel Gibson telling you that
you sound like a whore? Is that a
metaphor, too?
MEL GIBSON
Metaphors are for whores. What are
you reading?
(looks at their books cover)
The Quest? Sounds like a book for
whores. A book written by a Jew,
and for whores.
INT. WACO HOME (BEDROOM) - NIGHT
Carla and Truman are in bed.
CARLA
Truman. We need to talk about you
know who.
TRUMAN
Who?
CARLA
You know. those, uh, two people.
TRUMAN
Right. Yeah. Abercrombie and Fitch.
Ive been meaning to talk to you
about them. Do you think
Abercrombie is a metaphor for
Fitch?
CARLA
I was referring to the other you
know whos.
TRUMAN
The other you know whos?
Mel Gibson is sleeping on the floor next to their bed.

23.
MEL GIBSON
Wait a second. Am I one of the you
know whos?
CARLA
No.
MEL GIBSON
Is the whore sleeping across from
me one of the you know whos?
Cassandra is also sleeping on the floor next to the bed.
CASSANDRA
Im not a whore.
MEL GIBSON
If youre not a whore, then how
come I offered you $200 for sex?
CASSANDRA
How come I said no?
MEL GIBSON
Because youre a whore whos trying
to negotiate for more money.
CARLA
Will both of you please be quiet?
Im trying to talk to Truman. About
the two you know whos. Who are
sleeping in our bedroom.
TRUMAN
Me and you?
CARLA
No. The other you know whos. The
ones I dont want staying here and
sleeping in our bedroom.
TRUMAN
Abercrombie and Fitch?
CARLA
No.
MEL GIBSON
Wait. Are you sure youre talking
about two you know whos? Because
Im pretty sure youre talking
about a very large pack of
African-Americans.

24.

CARLA
Mel--Im not talking about a pack
of African-Americans.
MEL GIBSON
You dont have to say
"African-Americans." You can say
"niggers." Im the only one who has
to say "African-Americans." You
know. Because the Jews are
censoring me.
CARLA
(to Truman)
Truman--are you listening to this
you know who son of a bitch?! We
cant have him and the other you
know who living here.
TRUMAN
Which you know whos?
CARLA
The you know who who hates Jews and
African-Americans, and the you know
who who walks around in her
underwear.
TRUMAN
So are you saying you dont trust
me in this marriage, and you think
Im gonna sleep with you know who?
MEL GIBSON
Wait. Are you talking about me?
CARLA
No! Hes talking about Cassandra.
TRUMAN
Actually--I was talking about Mel
Gibson.
CARLA
The point is, I want you know who
and you know who to move out of
here.
TRUMAN
Hey. I let your brother Lloyd stay
here, so you should let my clients
stay here.

25.

CARLA
My brothers name is Levi--and hes
your best friend.
TRUMAN
Honey. Im trying to run an agency.
CARLA
You have a client walking around
your home in her underwear! And she
said that if you get her a role,
shell have sex with you.
TRUMAN
Hey. Your brother walks around in
his underwear, and I trust you
around him.
CARLA
Hes my brother.
TRUMAN
Underwear is underwear!
CARLA
Well. Let me ask you this. Are you
actually working on getting work
for your clients?
TRUMAN
Of course I am. I mean, theyve
been rubbing themselves with ice
cream every day.
CARLA
Thats not how you get clients
work.
TRUMAN
It worked for Bob Socksucker.
CARLA
Well tell Bob Socksucker to go fuck
himself!
INT. ABC OFFICE - DAY
ABC PRESIDENT 2 is rearranging time slots on a board.
ABC PRESIDENT 2
OK. Im thinking of moving Joe Joe
the Janitor over to Wednesday, and
(MORE)

26.

ABC PRESIDENT 2 (contd)

then well show Black Man, Red
Mustache on Fridays, and we can
have Plumbers in Outer Space on
Mondays, and we can show Fallopian
Tubular Surfer Dudettes on
Tuesdays.
ABC EXECUTIVE 3
Um. None of those things you just
named are actual TV shows.
ABC PRESIDENT
Oh. Well in that case, lets just
show Wheel of Fortune 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week.
ABC EXECUTIVE 4
Sounds good.
ABC EXECUTIVE 3
Genius idea.
ABC PRESIDENT 2
I know. But if we really want to
stay on top, we gotta do eight
hours of research today.
ABC EXECUTIVE 3
Right. And by doing research, do
you mean watch TV?
ABC PRESIDENT 2
Of course I do.
ABC EXECUTIVE 4
Genius idea.
ABC EXECUTIVE 3
Absolutely.
INT. WACO HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Carla is playing Monopoly with Mel Gibson and Cassandra. Mel
Gibson rolls the dice and moves his piece onto a property.
CARLA
You owe me $8.
MEL GIBSON
Thats just like you. Just like a
Jew. Trying to collect your $8.

27.
Truman walks in with MONTAVIUS (25, black).
TRUMAN
OK, everyone. This is my new
client, Montavius Baldwin. Hes a
Baldwin brother.
MONTAVIUS
Im an only child.
TRUMAN
But youre black--so that means
youre a brother. You know what Im
saying, brother?
MONTAVIUS
Youre fired.
He walks out.
CARLA
Truman--can you please just go back
to work at the factory?
TRUMAN
Honey. I dont have time for that.
I have research to do.
He sits down in front of the TV and turns it on.
CARLA
Um. Youre watching TV.
TRUMAN
Im in show-business. That means
watching TV counts as research, and
snorting cocaine counts as taking a
multivitamin supplement.
(ON TV) INT. ROOM - DAY
(Commercial / Sitcom Promo)
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Coming soon on NBC. Bob Saget. Mel
Gibson. And introducing, Cassandra
Kardashian. In Not Wheel of
Fortune.
BOB SAGET
I wonder if John Stamos still waxes
his chest.

28.

CASSANDRA
Me, too.
MEL GIBSON
You sound like a whore.
CASSANDRA
You sound like a drunk, sexist,
racist asshole.
MEL GIBSON
If Im drunk, how come youre the
one drinking a bottle of vodka on
one ice cube?
BOB SAGET
Man. This really isnt Wheel of
Fortune.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Not Wheel of Fortune. Premiering
this Thursday, on ABC.
INT. WACO HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
CARLA
(to Truman)
Wow. Uh--how did you get them a
network sitcom?
TRUMAN
Well. I dont know. I just stuck
with the ice cream strategy. And
now theyre on TV.
CARLA
Well. Youre gonna make a lot of
money. I mean, you have two clients
whove hit the big time.
TRUMAN
Yeah. I should tell them to give my
my 10%.
(to Mel Gibson)
Hey. Great job on that sitcom.
Youre gonna be a big star. Give my
my 10%.
MEL GIBSON
Oh. Well, Youll have to talk to my
agent.

29.

TRUMAN
Im your agent.
ARI GOLD walks in with his assistant LLOYD.
ARI GOLD
I dont think so, asshole!
TRUMAN
Who the hell are you?
ARI GOLD
Lloyd. Tell this idiot who I am.
LLOYD
(to Truman)
Hes Ari Gold
ARI GOLD
(to Truman)
Im Ari Gold. Agent to the stars.
Stars like Mel Gibson, and
Cassandra Kardashian. Thats how we
do things in show-business, baby.
TRUMAN
You steal clients?
ARI GOLD
Its called committing little white
thieveries.
TRUMAN
Oh yeah?!
ARI GOLD
Yeah.
Truman punches Ari Gold, Lloyd, Mel Gibson, and Cassandra
Kardashian in the face, one after another. He then walks up
to Carla.
TRUMAN
(to Carla)
Well. You heard him. He said
"yeah." I guess thats that.
CARLA
Um. Judging by the way you said,
"Oh yeah?"!" and you punched
everyone in the face, I didnt
think youd say "thats that."

30.

TRUMAN
Well. You know. The thing is, I
guess Im not into all this showbiz
stuff. I mean, it seems all
glamorous when youre binge
watching Entourage for 27 hours
straight. But when it comes down to
it, Bob Saget is a real
motherfucker.
Bob Saget is standing next to them.
BOB SAGET
Thats true.
Levi walks in from the kitchen.
TRUMAN
Lloyd!
LLOYD
Yes?
TRUMAN
No. Not you. The other Lloyd.
LEVI
Yes?
TRUMAN
The Truman Gold agency is closing
its doors. Youre fucking fired!