MODERN FAMILY

"Full-Phil-ment"
Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY

A PLUMBER (late 40s) is sitting on the floor next to a
toilet, staring into space.
Cameron walks in. The Plumber continues to stare. Cameron
clears his throat. The Plumber still doesnt react. Cameron
clears his throat a second time. Again no reaction. Cameron
knocks on the door. The Plumber looks in the toilet for the
source of the knock.
CAMERON
Hello?
The Plumber looks at the toilet confused. He leans towards
the toilet bowl.
PLUMBER
(into toilet)
Hi.
CAMERON
Actually, Im over here by the
door.
The Plumber turns his head and looks at Cameron.
PLUMBER
Oh. Right. Hi.
CAMERON
Uh. How you doing in there?
PLUMBER
Good. How are you?
CAMERON
Im fine. So, uh, hows my toilet?
PLUMBER
Its good. How are you?
CAMERON
Im also good. How are you?
PLUMBER
Good.
CAMERON
Good. So, I guess youre done here.

2.

PLUMBER
No. I still got some work to do on
your toilet.
CAMERON
Right. So, uh, have you figured out
whats wrong with it?
PLUMBER
Well. In laymans terms, it all
basically comes down to this: your
toilet isnt working.
CAMERON
Right. Thats kind of what I
suspected. Um. Do you know why the
toilet isnt working?
PLUMBER
Well. Heres the way I see it. The
main problem is that your toilet
wont flush.
CAMERON
Hm. Thats actually the way I see
it, too.
PLUMBER
Oh. So youre also a plumber?
CAMERON
Not quite. I just know a little
about toilets.
PLUMBER
Oh. You mean you dabble in
toiletry?
CAMERON
... Im pretty sure thats not what
I mean. So, uh, when can you get
the toilet to start flushing?
PLUMBER
Ill probably be done in about 10
minutes, maybe 15.
CAMERON
Great.
The Plumber stares into space for five seconds.

3.

CAMERON
Take your time.
PLUMBER
(into toilet)
I will.
CAMERON
Im still over here.
The Plumber looks at Cameron.
CAMERON
Yeah. I didnt jump into the toilet
at any point during our
conversation.
PLUMBER
Right. Yeah. Im just... a little
distracted.
CAMERON
I see.
PLUMBER
My wife.
CAMERON
Your wife?
PLUMBER
My wife.
CAMERON
... Um. Im confused. Does the
toilet remind you of her?
PLUMBER
No. Its just... I think my wife is
cheating on me.
CAMERON
Oh. Well. You know. Shes probably
not cheating.
PLUMBER
What makes you say that?
CAMERON
Well. You seem like such a great
couple.

4.

PLUMBER
Do you know us?
CAMERON
Well. I know a lot of couples like
you.
PLUMBER
Like us? Youve never even seen my
wife.
CAMERON
Um. Well. Ive heard of a lot of
women like her. Do you want a soda
or something?
PLUMBER
Whiskey.
CAMERON
I have both Pepsi and Coke.
PLUMBER
Whiskey.
CAMERON
Pepsi?
PLUMBER
Whiskey.
CAMERON
Well.
(sings to the tune of "Lets
Call the Whole Thing Off")
I say potato / You say po-tah-to
/ I say Pepsi / You say whiskey
The Plumber stares at Cameron.
CAMERON
(somewhat uncomfortably
continues singing)
Potato / Po-tah-to / Pepsi /
Whiskey / Lets call the whole
thing off
Cameron smiles semi-nervously at the Plumber. The Plumber
just stares back for a few seconds.
CAMERON
Its a song.

5.

PLUMBER
(sings to the tune of "Jack
Daniels, If You Please")
"Jack Daniels, if you please /
Knock me to my knees." Its a song.
CAMERON
(sings to the tune of "The
Whiskey Aint Workin"
"The whiskey aint workin
anymore." Thats also a song.
PLUMBER
Change the station.
CAMERON
Um. How about a nice, refreshing
can of light beer?
PLUMBER
How about a big, dirty bottle of
whiskey?
CAMERON
Whiskey... contains alcohol.
PLUMBER
Good.
CAMERON
Um. Wont whiskey impair your
ability to plumb?
PLUMBER
No. I plumb better drunk than I do
sober.
CAMERON
Have you tested that theory
scientifically?
He puts his ear up to the toilet and listens. He then grabs
a plunger, and begins using it violently on the toilet.
Finally, he sits down next to the toilet, and looks back at
Cameron.
PLUMBER
My wife.
CAMERON
Your wife.

6.

PLUMBER
My wife. Shes sleeping with my
cousin.
CAMERON
I see. Do you want your whiskey on
the rocks?
INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
(Documentary Interview Scene)
CAMERON
(to camera)
I hired a plumber. He turned me
into a bathroom bartender.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Phil walks in from the kitchen. A second later, Claire walks
in through the front door.
CLAIRE
Hi honey.
They kiss.
CLAIRE
How was work?
PHIL
You know the house on Oak Street?
Sold!
CLAIRE
You sold a $2 million home!
PHIL
Uh. Did Michael Jordan three-peat
twice?
CLAIRE
Phil--I dont know what that means.
PHIL
That means the home on Miller
Street--also sold!
CLAIRE
You sold another $2 million home?

7.

PHIL
Did Michael Jordan three-peat
twice?
CLAIRE
Absolutely! Wow, Phil! $2 million.
And another $2 million. Im scared
to add those numbers--because I
think if I do, the IRS will take my
purse. Were moving on up, Phil.
Youve hit your prime. You gotta
get on your phone and do some more
selling.
PHIL
Im actually gonna take a few days
off to...
CLAIRE
Sell, baby, sell! You gotta keep
the momentum going. Its like
youre Michael Jordan, youve
scored 50 points, the game is tied,
and you just got a pass from Lebron
James. Shoot the ball!
PHIL
Your analogy doesnt really make
sense, honey. Lebron James and
Michael Jordan were never on the
same team. They never even played
during the same year.
CLAIRE
Fine. Youre playing blackjack, and
the dealer just gave you 11. Double
down!
PHIL
Is the dealer Lebron James?
CLAIRE
Yes! Hes Lebron James!
PHIL
.... Why would Lebron James be
dealing blackjack cards?
CLAIRE
The point is, you made more money
today than you usually do in a
year--and you should keep on
shooting, or doubling down, or
(MORE)

8.

CLAIRE (contd)
knocking on doors. In other
words--this is the time to sell.
PHIL
Yeah. About that. Um. Honey. Lets
talk about... fulfillment. Purpose.
Passion.
CLAIRE
What are you talking about?
PHIL
I sold two big homes in one day.
CLAIRE
Yeah.
(puts up her hand)
High five.
He gives her a high five.
PHIL
Like I was saying. I sold two big
homes in one day. It was exciting
at first. But then that felling
died down. The fulfillment just
wasnt there, the way I thought it
would be. And, you know. Who is
Phil, if Phil doesnt have
fulfill-ment?
CLAIRE
Um. What?
PHIL
Let me state that another way. I
want to add the full-ment to Phil.
CLAIRE
Um. What?
PHIL
Honey. Work with me here. Its
basic math. Full-ment plus Phil
equals full-Phil-ment. Fulfillment.
CLAIRE
Well. Right now, Phil sounds like
hes full of something. And I dont
know if that something that Phil is
full of is ment.

9.

PHIL
Let me put it another way. I
realized that real estate isnt
really lighting my fire right now.
So Im thinking of doing something
else.
(puts up his hand)
High five.
CLAIRE
Something else? You want to switch
careers?
PHIL
(puts down his hand)
Well. Pretty much.
(puts up his hand)
High five.
CLAIRE
When Lebron James passed the ball
to Michael Jordan, I dont think
Michael Jordan walked off the court
and said, "Im not playing
basketball anymore.I want to add
Full-ment to Michael.
Full-Michael-ment."
PHIL
Honey. Lebron James never passed
the ball to Michael Jordan.
(flips over his hand, looks at
his palm, and then puts down
his hand)
And can we please just back off the
analogies, and focus on what were
actually talking about?
CLAIRE
Fine. Were talking about your
career. The one that make money.
PHIL
Well. The thing is, now we have
money. And now that we have money,
we wont be needing any more money
for a while.
CLAIRE
Who the hell filled up your head
with a ridiculous idea like that?
Was it that Zen Buddhist guy at
your gym? Phil--I told you to stop
(MORE)

10.

CLAIRE (contd)
talking to him. The next time you
go to the gym, stay away from him,
and just chit chat with all of
those pretty girls in tight pants.
PHIL
Honey. I want to try out a new
career.
CLAIRE
Phil--weve talked about this. You
cant be a magician.
PHIL
No. Not magician.
CLAIRE
OK. Then what?
PHIL
... Gigolo.
(puts up his hand)
High five. ... Im kidding.
(puts down his hand)
Art. Im gonna paint. Paintings.
Im gonna paint paintings. With
paint. And paintbrushes.
CLAIRE
Anything else?
PHIL
Um.
(puts up his hand)
High five? ... No? Not this time,
either?
He puts his hand down.
CLAIRE
You know, you might want to
reconsider the gigolo idea. Not
only do gigolos make more money
than artists, they also shower
every day.
PHIL
I already bought the art supplies.
And I started an hour ago.
(puts up his hand)
High five!

11.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

(Documentary Scene interview)
PHIL
(to camera)
The ball has been passed to me, and
now Im gonna shoot. Only the ball
is a paintbrush, and not a ball. Is
that Zen? I think thats Zen. And
come to think of it, maybe the idea
of Lebron James dealing blackjack
cards is also Zen.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
(Later)
Phil has an easel, canvas, and paint set up, and hes
working on a painting. (The painting remains concealed to
the TV viewer throughout the episode.)
PHIL
(singing)
Just a gigolo. Everywhere I go.
INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Gloria is talking to Manny.
GLORIA
Do you have any idea why Jay has
been playing video games so much?
MANNY
Mom. Let me explain something to
you about my relationship with Jay.
I dont understand him, he doesnt
understand me. Thats the delicate
balance of nature that allows this
ecosystem to work.
GLORIA
Hes a man in his 60s, and he
bought himself one of those
box-boxes.
MANNY
You mean x-boxes?

12.

GLORIA
Whatever. Hes always playing the
box-box. He was up till 1 am
yesterday.
MANNY
Well--the good news is that he
doesnt go to bed at 8 pm, like
most people his age. I mean, youre
in your party years, hes in his
Social Security years--but youre
still living in the same time zone.
GLORIA
You think Im still in my party
years?
INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Cameron is on the phone.
INT. MITCHS OFFICE - DAY
Mitch answers his phone.
MITCH
Yeah.
(Back and forth between Mitch & Camerons Home and Mitchs
Office)
CAMERON
(quietly)
I got a bit of a problem involving
the plumber. Hes been here for two
hours.
MITCH
Our toilet must be really broken.
CAMERON
No. The plumbers head is broken.
MITCH
Oh. Have you tried using a plunger
on it?
CAMERON
Hes acting crazy, because he
thinks his wife is cheating on
him. I asked him to leave--but he
(MORE)

13.

CAMERON (contd)
said that he wanted to finish the
job. Should I call the cops?
MITCH
Yes. And make sure you talk to the
division of Internal Affairs and
Toilets.
CAMERON
Mitch!
MITCH
Dont call the cops. Just go to the
bathroom and have a man-to-man chat
with the plumber.
CAMERON
I tried that. He thought my voice
was coming from the toilet! And
that was before he started drinking
our whiskey. Can you come home
early and help me deal with this?
MITCH
Well. Im kind of busy doing
something other than talking to a
drunk plumber.
CAMERON
Well, how snobby of you.
MITCH
What do you mean?
CAMERON
Youre unwilling to talk to the
blue collar working class.
MITCH
Cam. You know perfectly well that
one of my best friends is a
plumber.
CAMERON
Well why didnt we have him fix our
toilet?
MITCH
Because having a friend fix your
toilet is really awkward.

14.

CAMERON
As opposed to having a drunk
stranger sit next to your toilet
and discuss his marriage with you.
Thats not awkward at all!
MITCH
Cam. I gotta go.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Phil is working on a painting. Hes shirtless, and wearing
flip flips and short shorts. Claire is sitting nearby on the
sofa, watching TV. Haley walks in.
HALEY
Hi mom.
CLAIRE
Hi sweetie.
Haley sees Phil.
HALEY
Um. Hi dad.
Phil turns around, stares at her for a few seconds, and then
turns around and continues working on his painting.
HALEY
(to Claire)
Uh. Two questions, mom. Whats for
dinner?
CLAIRE
Spaghetti.
HALEY
And, uh, which mental institute
should we put dad in?
Phil turns around.
PHIL
Honey. Im just working on some
art. I have a creative life that
balances out my overall life.
Balance. I have balance. When you
think about it, that actually makes
me saner than the rest of you. Im
not insane. Unless by "insanity,"
you mean that Im in a state of
(MORE)

15.

PHIL (contd)
sanity. In-sanity. Thats where I
am. In sanity. How did I get there?
Through fulfilling work. By
engaging in fulfilling work, Phi is
now in sanity.
He does a somersault, and then resumes working on his
painting.
HALEY
I was kind of with you until that
whole part about the somersault.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
(Documentary Interview Scene)
CLAIRE
Apparently, Phil has entered his
post modernist phase. Its marked
by vibrant colors and acrobatic
behavior.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Phil is still painting. He turns around, side hugs Claire
and and Haley simultaneously, and holds the hug.
PHIL
I love both of you so much.
CLAIRE
(to Haley)
Honey. Were still looking for the
right mental institute. By the
way--your fathers gonna take a few
years off from his job, in order to
pursue his art.
HALEY
Great. Does that mean youre gonna
cut my allowance in half?
CLAIRE
Actually, no. Were gonna double
it. Because your father sold two
expensive homes today, and made a
lot of money.

16.

HALEY
Oh. Congratulations, dad. Um. Im
not sure how I feel about all of
this. Ill be in my room.
PHIL
Spaghetti!
INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY
Gloria is putting a loaf of bread in her cart. COLLIN (21,
good looking) is a few feet away from her.
COLLIN
Ive been here for five minutes. I
have no idea which bread to buy.
Like, what should I look for in a
loaf bread?
GLORIA
I dont know. Ive been buying the
same kind for five years.
COLLIN
Im still trying to find the right
one.
She studies his body language. He seems very flirty.
GLORIA
Well... I think you should keep
looking.
COLLIN
You have the most amazing voice.
Any time I hear you say something,
I want you to just keep on talking.
GLORIA
(confuses / surprised)
What?
COLLIN
Say "what" again.
GLORIA
Are you doing the scene from Pulp
Fiction?
COLLIN
What?

17.

GLORIA
"Say what again." You know.
Thats what Samuel L. Jackson said
in Pulp Fiction
COLLIN
Ive never seen that movie before.
GLORIA
Yeah. Its a little before your
time.
COLLIN
Maybe we can watch it together.
GLORIA
I dont know. Ill have to ask my
husband.
COLLIN
OK. How was your day, by the way?
GLORIA
What?
COLLIN
Like I said. I just want to hear
you talk.
GLORIA
Right.
COLLIN
If you were my wife, you know what
Id do?
GLORIA
Im afraid to ask.
COLLIN
Id rush home every day to hear
your voice.
GLORIA
Youre laying it on a little
thick--dont you think?
COLLIN
Ill bet your husband doesnt ask
you about your day. Does he?

18.

GLORIA
... How old are you?
COLLIN
Youre avoiding my question.
GLORIA
Youre avoiding my question. How
old are you?
COLLIN
Im an adult.
GLORIA
How adult are you? Put an age on
your adult.
COLLIN
You see that six pack of Coronas
over there? Im old enough to buy
it.
GLORIA
Well. Im old enough to buy a 12
pack.
COLLIN
So youre also 21?
GLORIA
Ill be turning 21 in March. Not
this March--but one of the Marches
in the 1990s. Are you familiar with
that decade? Its the one where I
was watching Pulp Fiction, and you
were watching Spongebob.
COLLIN
Lets focus on this decade. The one
where Im a man who watches 20/20,
and youre a woman who watches
20/20.
GLORIA
Im a married woman--and I watch
Destilando Amor and Wheel of
Fortune.

19.

INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY

The Plumber is sitting on the floor next to the toilet,
finishing a glass of whiskey. Cameron walks in.
CAMERON
So hows the toilet doing?
PLUMBER
Can your bring over some more
whiskey?
CAMERON
That depends. Are you gonna drink
it, or pour it in the toilet?
PLUMBER
Im gonna drink it.
CAMERON
Um. The thing is, in this bathroom,
we have a two drink maximum. Cause
we dont want anyone to drown in
the toilet water. So, um, how about
I drive you to a liquor store and
drop you off?
PLUMBER
I havent finished fixing your
toilet.
CAMERON
Thats OK. You can take it home
with you, and mail it back to me
later.
PLUMBER
Shes cheating on me. I know it.
... Are you married?
CAMERON
Yeah.
PLUMBER
Is your wife cheating on you?
CAMERON
I doubt it. I mean, were
newlyweds--not to mention the fact
that my wife is a husband.

20.

PLUMBERS
You mean both of you are homos?
CAMERON
Well. In laymans terms, yes--both
of us are homos. Both of us. I used
to be marred to a guy named Todd,
and only one of us was a homo.
Guess which one?
PLUMBER
Right. Yeah. I actually detected a
lot of gayness from you. But Im
just so distracted with my
marriage, that I forgot about your
gayness.
CAMERON
Thats interesting. Youre the
first person to ever forget about
my gayness after detecting it. Even
people with amnesia dont forget
about my gayness.
PLUMBER
You know, Ive never had a
conversation with a gay before.
CAMERON
Wow. Thats very surprising.
Especially considering how you just
referred to two gay men as "homos,"
and one gay man as "a gay."
INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
(Documentary Interview Scene)
CAMERON
(to camera)
So now Im both a bartender, and a
gay.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
The doorbell rings. Claire opens it to reveal Jay.
CLAIRE
Hi dad.

21.

JAY
Hi. I came to hang out with Luke.
CLAIRE
Really? Thats great. Hes in his
room.
JAY
Alright.
He begins walking up the steps. He comes back down, and
examines Phil painting shirtless.
JAY
(to Claire)
Uh...
CLAIRE
He sold $4 million worth of homes
today.
JAY
Great. That explains nothing.
(to Phil)
Phil--keep up the good work.
Phil turns around, stares at Jay for a few seconds, and then
goes right back to working on his painting.
JAY
Right. Ill be upstairs, if anybody
needs me.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - DAY
Jay walks in.
JAY
Time for a rematch.
LUKE
Its on.
JAY
Youre darn tootin its on. Its
on like Donkey Kong.

22.

INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

(Documentary Scene)
JAY
(to camera)
In the 80s, I used to take Mitchell
and Claire to the arcade. 323,915
points. That was my Pac-Man high
score. I set the arcades record
back in 82. But a few weeks ago, I
played a few games of Madden with
Luke. He beat me. And now its on.
Its on like Donkey Kong.
Actually--its on like Pac-Man. I
even ate bananas and cherries in
preparation for this. I have
problems. I know.
INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY
Gloria in on her cell phone.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - DAY
Jay is playing a Madden Football video game with Luke. Jays
phone rings. He pauses the game and takes the call.
JAY
Hello.
(Back and forth between the Supermarket and Lukes Room)
GLORIA
Some guy is flirting with me.
JAY
Flirting? Like, is he harassing
you?
GLORIA
No. Hes talking to me, and
smiling--and he complimented me.
JAY
What?
GLORIA
Say "what" again, Jay! Say "what"
again!

23.

JAY
Um. What? I mean, um. Honey. Did
you tell this guy that youre
married?
GLORIA
Yes. He continued to flirt. Hes in
the frozen foods section right now,
and Im in cereal--but I think hes
gonna talk to me again later. Soon.
JAY
You have your pepper spray?
GLORIA
Yes.
JAY
Great. Use it.
GLORIA
Im not gonna pepper spray him just
for flirting with me.
You dont
bottle in
one spray
and hell

JAY
have to spray the whole
his eyes. Just give him
in the general vicinity,
get the point.

GLORIA
He complimented me.
JAY
I think you mentioned that.
GLORIA
He said that he likes my voice.
JAY
... What?
GLORIA
Jay. Dont say "what" again. My
voice. He said he like it. He said
its like music to his ears.
JAY
Well. In that case, you should
probably marry him. You know what?
Maybe hell propose to you, right
next to the Capn Crunch.

24.

GLORIA
Jay!
JAY
Gloria. If youre not gonna use the
pepper spray, just leave the
supermarket.
GLORIA
But we need groceries.
JAY
We can eat out. I hear IHOP serves
a magnificent dish called a Rooty
Tooty Fresh n Fruity.
GLORIA
Jay--you should come down here and
make sure this guy knows were
together, so he wont get so fresh
and fruity with me.
JAY
Thats not really what fruity
means.
GLORIA
Jay!
JAY
Gloria--Id love to come down there
and throw Pop Tarts at your
boyfriend. But Im in the middle of
something very important.
GLORIA
What are you in the middle of?
JAY
Im, uh--Im spending quality time
with Luke.
GLORIA
Oh. Well. I guess thats a good
excuse.
JAY
Its a great excuse.
GLORIA
OK. I love you.

25.

JAY
I love you, too.
He hangs up.
JAY
OK. Unpause the game. 3rd down.
Five seconds later, Luke scores a touchdown.
LUKE
Boom! Seven to nothing. Next time
you play me, make sure you stretch
your quads before kickoff.
Luke gets on the ground to do a lying quad stretch.
LUKE
Like this.
JAY
Thats it. Im taking you out of my
will.
INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY
The plumber is now sitting on the toiler (with his pants
on). Cameron is standing next to him, holding a whiskey
bottle.
CAMERON
More whiskey?
PLUMBER
Fill er up.
Lily walks in.
LILY
Daddy--are you done with your
playdate? Its been, like, three
hours.
CAMERON
No, honey. Were still drinking
pretend alcohol.
LILY
And playing pretend toilet?

26.

CAMERON
No. Were not playing pretend
toilet. Playing pretend toilet
would be very inappropriate. This
is pretend bartender. You know. Im
working at a bar, and hes sitting
at a bar. Were pretending to be at
a bar. Not on a toilet.
LILY
Oh.
She walks up to the Plumber.
LILY
Its my turn to sit at the bar.
The Plumber gets up. Lily sits on the toilet.
LILY
(to Cameron)
OK, bartender. Ill have a glass of
orange juice.
The Plumber stares at Cameron, not sure what to make of
everything.
CAMERON
(to Lily)
One glass of orange juice. Coming
up.
He pours her an imaginary glass of orange juice.
PLUMBER
(to Lily)
You want some whiskey in that
orange juice?
CAMERON
No. No she doesnt. In this
establishment, we dont serve
pretend whiskey to minors.
PLUMBER
She can pretend to be an adult.
CAMERON
Like the way youre pretending to
be a plumber?

27.

PLUMBER
I am a plumber.
CAMERON
Great. Then how about you plumb my
toilet?
PLUMBER
(to Lily)
My wife is cheating on me.
LILY
Daddy--what is he talking about?
CAMERON
His wife cheats whenever they play
Go Fish.
LILY
(to Plumber)
Your wife shouldnt cheat.
PLUMBER
Yes! Youre right. She shouldnt
cheat. You understand. You know, if
you were 30 years older, Id leave
my wife and marry you.
LILY
Well maybe you can find a wife at
the bar.
(points to an imaginary women)
Like that woman over there.
PLUMBER
No. I know that woman. Thats my
ex-girlfriend. Shes a gold digger.
LILY
Whats a gold digger?
CAMERON
Its someone who digs to find gold.
LILY
Oh. Lets play that.
She does some imaginary digging.
LILY
Look! I found gold! Lots of gold.
Daddy--Im a gold digger!

28.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (KITCHEN) - NIGHT

Phil is wearing a winter hat that covers his ears, and hes
holding a box.
PHIL
I got you something.
CLAIRE
OK. Before I open it, let me ask
you a question. Does this box
contain your ear?
PHIL
What? No.
CLAIRE
Then why are you wearing that hat?
PHIL
Honey. Im in a creative field. So
sometimes I wear a hat, or
sometimes I pet a cat, or sometimes
I catch a rat.
CLAIRE
I dont know how to respond to
that.
PHIL
Do you think this hat makes me look
fat?
CLAIRE
What?
PHIL
Nothing. I just got carried away
with the rhyming thing. Open the
box.
CLAIRE
Its light.
She opens it.
CLAIRE
Its empty.
PHIL
It contains my soul.

29.

CLAIRE
I see.
PHIL
No. You cant see a soul.
CLAIRE
Right. So, uh, what do you want me
to do with this soul?
PHIL
Dont you see?
CLAIRE
No. Thats the point.
He kisses her.
PHIL
I want you to give me your soul.
CLAIRE
I see. I think.
PHIL
Were soul mates.
CLAIRE
So, uh--do you want me to put my
soul in a box?
PHIL
No.
CLAIRE
How about a bowl? Ill put my soul
in a bowl, and then Ill give that
soul in bowl to a cat in a hat.
What do you think of that?
PHIL
I dont want you to put your soul
in a bowl. Just start by following
your heart. Your heart will tell
you where to put your soul.
CLAIRE
That didnt rhyme.
He kisses her again.

30.

CLAIRE
Remember all the corny jokes you
used to tell? I could go for one of
those right now.
PHIL
You inspire me. The way an apple
inspired Isaac Newton.
CLAIRE
I was thinking of something more
like a pun.
PHIL
When Im without you, I want to
punch myself in the face.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - NIGHT
JAY
(very loudly)
30, 20, 10--Touchdown! Russell
Wilson!
He starts doing a touchdown dance.
Claire walks in.
CLAIRE
Dad--what the hell is going on
here?
JAY
I, uh--I scored a touchdown.
CLAIRE
Yeah. I can see. Youre sweating.
JAY
Its, uh--your homes too
insulated. Its hot in here.
CLAIRE
Its not that hot. Phil is
downstairs wearing a winter hat.
Daddy--this is Pac-Man all over
again. The summer of 82. Remember
that? The rivalry you had with
Tommy Jones?

31.

JAY
Yeah. He was the second best in
town. I was the best.
CLAIRE
You were in your thirties. He was
in fifth grade!
JAY
Pac-Man isnt about age. Its about
dots. And fruit.
CLAIRE
Dad. I got Van Gogh hanging out
downstairs. I have an insane
husband.
LUKE
Dad says that "insanity" can also
mean that youre in a state of
sanity. In sanity.
CLAIRE
Right. Yeah. Your fathers 100%
right.
(to Jay)
Dad--can you please balance out
Phils insanity with your own
out-sanity? Try acting a little
normal.
JAY
Claire. Im just playing video
games with my only grandson. I like
my grandson, and I like video
games. It would be crazy for me not
to play video games with my
grandson.
CLAIRE
Have you been talking to that Zen
Buddhist guy at the gym?
INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT
The doorbell rings. Cameron opens the door the reveal CLARA
(late 40s).
CLARA
Hi. Can I talk to Jeff?

32.

CAMERON
Jeff?
CLARA
The plumber.
CAMERON
Right. Jeff. For some reason, he
referred to himself as Jehosophat.
CLARA
No. Thats what he calls his
plunger.
CAMERON
Oh. Well--Jehosopophat and Jeff are
both in the bathroom. Over there.
INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (BATHROOM) - NIGHT
Clara walks in to the bathroom while Cameron watches.
JEFF / PLUMBER
Clara? How did you know I was here?
CLARA
You called me ten minutes ago and
told me where you were.
JEFF / PLUMBER
Right. By the way
(looks at Cameron)
--this is... whats your name?
CAMERON
Cameron.
JEFF / PLUMBER
Cameron. Im Jeff.
CAMERON
OK, Jeff. Allow me to introduce
my plunger, Jebediah?
JEFF / PLUMBER
(to Clara)
Honey. This is Cameron. Hes a
homo. And he just got married. You
know. Prop 8.

33.

CAMERON
(to Clara)
Hi.
CLARA
Hi. I voted no on Prop 8. But
congratulations on your marriage.
CAMERON
Thank you?
JEFF / PLUMBER
(to Clara)
Youre sleeping with my cousin!
CLARA
Are you drunk?
JEFF / PLUMBER
I used to be drunk on my love for
you. But now Im just drunk on the
crappy whiskey this homo gave me.
CAMERON
Hey. Let me just say that I serve
the cheap whiskey in our bathroom,
and the good whiskey in our living
room.
CLARA
(to Jeff)
What makes you think that Im
sleeping with Tony?
JEFF / PLUMBER
Who said anything about Tony? I was
talking about John.
CLARA
What makes you think Im sleeping
with John?
JEFF / PLUMBER
You both like that movie. The one
with that bearded guy. The funny
guy with the beard. You know that
movie.
CLARA
The Hangover?

34.
JEFF / PLUMBER
Yeah. The Hangover. You both like
The Hangover. You were both
laughing at it.
CLARA
That doesnt mean Im sleeping with
John. Honey--I love you. You mean
everything to me.
JEFF / PLUMBER
The Hangover isnt even that good.
CLARA
Well. Its pretty good.
JEFF / PLUMBER
Yeah. Its pretty good. But its
not that good. There are some funny
parts, though. I like the bearded
guy. And the Chinaman. And that
black guy. The boxer.
Cameron drinks some whiskey straight out of the bottle,
which is almost empty by now.
JEFF / PLUMBER
So youre not sleeping with John?
CLARA
No.
JEFF / PLUMBER
Or Tony?
CLARA
Or Tony.
JEFF / PLUMBER
(points to Cameron)
Or this homo?
CLARA
I dont even know this homo.
Honey--I only have eyes for you.
(to Cameron)
Hes the jealous type. This happens
every month or so.
CAMERON
Ah.
Cameron drinks some more whiskey out of the bottle.

35.

JEFF / PLUMBER
I love you, Clara. Come here.
They kiss very romantically, and dont stop.
CAMERON
Um. Ill just leave you alone for a
minute or two.
He closes the door.
CAMERON
Feel free to fix the toilet when
youre done.
INT. MITCH & CAMERONS HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT
Cameron is sitting on the sofa and has the whikey bottle in
his hand.
Mitch walks in.
MITCH
So. What happened with the plumber?
CAMERON
You missed the make up scene.
MITCH
The make up scene?
CAMERON
Yeah. Clara dropped by.
MITCH
Whos Clara?
CAMERON
Jeffs wife.
MITCH
Whos Jeff?
CAMERON
The plumber. Jeff is the plumber,
Clara is his wife, and Jehosophat
is the plunger. And it turns out
that Clara wasnt sleeping with
John. Or Tony. Or
(points to himself)
this homo.

36.

MITCH
Wait. Are you talking about Days of
Our Lives?
CAMERON
No. Days of our bathroom. You
missed the make up scene. The love
scene is currently in progress.
MITCH
Great. So is our toilet fixed?
Cameron drinks the final ounce of whiskey remaining in the
bottle.
CAMERON
No. And were out of cheap whiskey.
We do have some cognac, though. Why
dont you go pour me a glass?
MITCH
Why dont you pour it yourself?
CAMERON
My shift as bartender ended two
minutes ago. Its your turn.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - NIGHT
Jay is on the phone with Gloria.
JAY
Hey, honey. Im done with my
quality time. I won 17-14 in
overtime. I mightve cheated,
though.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - NIGHT
(Earlier / Flashback)
Jay knocks the controller out of Lukes hand.
LUKE
Hey!

37.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKES ROOM) - NIGHT
GLORIA (V.O.)
Oh.
JAY
Is that guy still flirting with
you?
INT. CAR - NIGHT
GLORIA
No. Im on my way home.
(Back and forth between the Car and Lukes Room)
JAY
You know, Im kind of in the mood
to have it out with him now. Did
you get his license plate number or
anything?
GLORIA
I dont think hes old enough to
drive.
JAY
What?
GLORIA
Hes a little young. 21.
JAY
I see. Well. We can double date.
You go out with him, and Ill take
his younger sister. We can go to
Chuck E. Cheeses.
GLORIA
Jay. Do you want to hear about how
my day was?
JAY
Absolutely.
GLORIA
Do you want to hear it in my voice?
JAY
I want to hear everything in your
voice. I dont understand half of
what youre saying, but I like the
sound of it all.

38.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Phil is alone. His easel is turned so the canvas is facing a
wall.
PHIL
(announcing to the rest of the
home)
Everyone come here! Its time for
the art exhibit!
Claire and Haley come in from the kitchen.
CLAIRE
(to Phil)
The spaghettis ready, by the way.
HALEY
Yeah, dad. Its really good
spaghetti. Have some.
Luke and Jay come down the stairs.
JAY
This should be interesting.
Alex walks in through the front door.
PHIL
Alex. Perfect timing.
ALEX
Um. What did I miss?
CLAIRE
Long story.
HALEY
(to Alex)
Short version: dads insane.
LUKE
But only because hes in sanity.
CLAIRE
Oh. And hes adding full-ment to
Phil.
PHIL
(addressing everyone)
OK, guys. I know Ive been acting a
little weird today.

39.

JAY
No weirder than usual.
PHIL
I just--I realized that I wanted to
do more than sell homes.
HALEY
And do magic.
PHIL
And do magic. I want to do more
than real estate and magic. I dont
know. I mean, Im not abandoning
real estate. Or magic. And I might
also try my hand at being a gigolo.
But anyways. Without further ado.
Here it is.
He turns around the easel and reveals the painting. (It
still remains concealed to the TV viewer.)
HALEY
Thats... good.
ALEX
Im still not clear on whats going
on right now. What exactly is
full-ment?
CLAIRE
(to Phil)
(referring to painting)
I like it. I mean, I also like it
when you sell $4 million in homes
per day. But its a nice painting.
JAY
I gotta say. Its a great painting.
PHIL
Do you mean, it, Jay?
JAY
Absolutely. You know what? Id be
honored if youd let me buy it, and
hang it in my home. Now, I cant
give you $4 million for it.
PHIL
How about 3.9 million?

40.

JAY
Sold. Send me the bill.
CLAIRE
(to Phil)
Wow. Youre really on a roll,
honey. That brings you up to $7.9
million for the day. Go sell
something else.
Jay grabs the painting and walks towards the door.
JAY
Alex. Open the door for me.
Alex opens it.
Jay walks out with the painting.
ALEX
Hm. So. Whats for dinner?
HALEY
Spaghetti!
INT. GYM - DAY
Jay is on a rowing machine, and BOB (40) is on the machine
next to his.
JAY
So, I tried that Zen meditation
thing you taught me. But, how do I
know when Ive experienced
enlightenment?
Bob seems mesmerized by something.
JAY
Bob?
BOB
Sorry, Jay. I was a little
distracted by that girl in tight
pants.
JAY
Thats my wife.
BOB
Thats your wife?

41.

The camera reveals an attractive 40 year old WOMAN on an

elliptical machine.
JAY
Just kidding. Thats my wife.
He points to Gloria, whos also wearing tight pants, and on
another elliptical machine.