It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia

"The Gang Goes to Hell"

Written by
Dylan DiMaggio

Phone: 520.429.3744
Email: dimaggio117@gmail.com

COLD OPEN
TITLE: 10:25 am
TITLE: On a Wednesday
TITLE: Philadelphia, PA
OVER TITLES, WE HEAR:
FRANK (V.O.)
Charlie, I can't do it. I can't do it
anymore.
CHARLIE (V.O.)
Dude, I don't know what your issue
is. The guy told us they weren't
bedbugs.
SWEET DEE (V.O.)
I'm not jealous, Dennis, I'm
disgusted.
DENNIS (V.O.)
Well I can't really help your lack of
taste, now can I?
FADE IN:
EXT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY
Charlie and Frank walk from one end of the sidewalk, Dee and
Dennis from the other. They met at Paddy's entrance.
FRANK
No, Charlie, no, it's worse.
No one notices smoke leaking out from under the door.
CHARLIE
Hey, what do you guys think is worse?
Bedbugs?
Really hits home bedbugs.
CHARLIE
Ooorr, like, just a bunch'a lil' baby
spiders?
FRANK
The spiders!

2.
SWEET DEE
Eww. Charlie.
DENNIS
How your building isn't condemned is
beyond me.
Smoke's really starting to come out. Still no one cares.
DENNIS
I have my own problems, namely Dee's
utter lack of artistic taste.
SWEET DEE
Dennis hung a painting of a naked
woman being eaten by cats.
DENNIS
Panthers, Dee. They're panthers.
CHARLIE
What's that?
SWEET DEE
What's what? Panthers?
The front door bursts open. Mac stands in the thick smoke.
MAC
Did you guys not see the smoke coming
out from under the door?
Everyone looks around. --nope.
Mac, sighs and closes himself back in.
CHARLIE
What was that about?
DENNIS
Who knows. He's been acting weirder
than normal lately.
SWEET DEE
Was he wearing makeup?
CHARLIE
It looked like it, right?
MAC (O.S.)
(yells though door)
Just come inside!

3.
INT. PADDY'S - CONTINUOUS
The gang crowds into the now tiny bar. There are false walls
built up that create a small section inside the bar.
Fog machines blasts, and there are simple paintings of
hardcore beef-cake-demons on the walls. Mac runs in wearing
devil horns and, yes, a little mascara.
DENNIS
Mac, what in the shit is this?
Goofy grin on his face.
Exactly.
What?

MAC
DENNIS

MAC
Oh, I thought you were gonna say
hell, what the hell is this?
The all look to Mac, confused and starting to get pissed.
MAC
You bitches are goin' to hell.
CUT TO:
MAIN TITLES
Title: "The Gang Goes To Hell"
Title: "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"

4.
Act 1
INT. PADDY'S PUB - FIRST ROOM - DAY
The gang is sardined into the small section. Mac stands in
front of the only hallway leading through.
DENNIS
Where did you even find the time or
money to do-Dennis catches himself and looks at Frank.
FRANK
What? Mac said he wanted to make a
maze. Thought i'd be fun.
DENNIS
God damn it, Frank. And God damn it
Mac. I'm getting outta here.
Dennis throws his weight into the wall. It doesn't give.
MAC
Yeahhh... Those are bolted right into
the ground. The only way out is
through.
SWEET DEE
What, in the world, compelled you to
do this?
MAC
Glad you asked. So I was watching
Seven again.
Everyone groans.
What?

MAC

CHARLIE
Again? You've watched that thing like
a hundred times, dude.
MAC
It's a very complicated movie,
Charlie.
SWEET DEE
No. No it's not Mac, it's very
straight forward.

5.
MAC
What? There are tons of unanswered
questions.
SWEET DEE
Oh really, like what?
MAC
Like-- Like-(he's got one)
Like what's in the box?
Her head!

ALL

Mac gets it.

MAC
So that's why he said it. Hmm...
Anyway, it got me thinkin', I'm gonna
save you guys.
FRANK
What the hell do we need savin' from?
Mac crosses to Frank, places a gentle hand on his shoulder.
MAC
From your wicked ways, Frank. You're
a sinner, you're all sinners, and I'm
here to show you the light.
DENNIS
This is idiotic. I'm out of here.
Dennis heads toward the tunnel.
MAC
Glad you're so eager, since you're up
first Dennis, or should I say, envy.
Stops mid stride. --Did he just hear what he thought he did?
DENNIS
Excuse me. Did you say envy?
MAC
Yeah. Your sin is envy.
Dennis does his little laugh.

6.
DENNIS
Mac, I envy no man. Nay, I envy no
thing. I am the envied. I was looked
upon by the Gods themselves and
deemed perfect. Show me your little
room so I may laugh, and show you the
errors of your stupid, stupid ways.
The gang groans. They're really gonna do this.
INT. PADDY'S PUB - ENVY ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Everything to be envious of, at least if you're Mac.
Eighties-cool plasters the walls; beef-cake-wrestlers,
nunchakus, Rambo posters, ect.
MAC
I realized you all displayed your
sins at Dee's dumb art thing last
week. That's what got me thinkin'.
SWEET DEE
It wasn't dumb, and none of you jack
asses were supposed to come anyway.
MAC
Dee, shut your beak, I'm trying to
talk.
CHARLIE
Yeah, Dee, rude.
What?

SWEET DEE

MAC
So there we were...
INT. SWANKY ART SHOW - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
The gang's dressed up. They follow Dee, who wears a fake
smile, through a hip art show. Douche-bag paradise.
FRANK
I hate comin' to these left wing,
bleeding-heart, art dealies.
Dee turns on him in an instant.

7.
SWEET DEE
Then why the hell are you here,
little man? Why are any of you here?
Jesus, can't I have one nice night
without any of you ruining it for me?
CHARLIE
Easy, Dee. We're not gonna ruin
anything, and Frank, remember were
just here for the oar-birds.
They all look at Charlie. --What did he say?
MAC
Oar-birds? What the hell's an oarbird?
CHARLIE
You know, the little foods the
butlers pass around.
DENNIS
Charlie, are you trying to say horsd'oeuvres?
SWEET DEE
And they're not butlers, they're
waiters.
Charlie snorts.
CHARLIE
Sure Dee, and I'm sure this is a
restaurant too, huh? Let me just
place my order with the chef.
Dee shakes off Charlie's stupidity.
SWEET DEE
Whatever. Okay here's the deal, you
butt-munchers, you all don't know me.
I'm gonna go seal the deal with that
guy over there tonight, and that's
it.
She points at the ARTIST (30's), dressed in puffy pants,
little pointy shoes, and a small vest. Dennis laughs.
DENNIS
That's the guy?
CHARLIE
Come on, Dee.

8.
SWEET DEE
What? What's wrong? Sure he's a
little unusual, but it'll be like
bangin' some exotic bird.
The guys look to one another. No one touches the joke.
DENNIS
Dee, can you actually not see it?
Dennis looks to Charlie.
DENNIS
He's clearly gay.
Wait, what?

CHARLIE
He's genie, Dee.
DENNIS

Dee takes a moment to take in what she just heard.

SWEET DEE
You guys think the guy I'm here to
see, the artist of this show, who's
more successful than any of you
assholes. You think that guy is a
gay genie?-- Alright.
And with that she leaves them. Mac leans into Dennis.
MAC
Why are we here, man? Art is sooo
lame.
DENNIS
To the common-man, Mac, yes, but Dee
made me realize something. I've been
slummin' for a while now. I need a...
A pallet cleanser, if you will.
Someone high class, get my head out
of the gutter. And as it were I
already have my sights set.
Dennis points at an incredible attractive art CRITIC (20's).
DENNIS
Bam. Time to show, lil' miss culture,
over there my worth.
Dennis b-lines it for the critic.
MAC
Guess that just leaves us, huh gu--

9.
Mac looks around. He's all alone. He spots Charlie and
Frank, they're swarming a SERVER passing appetizers.
CHARLIE AND FRANK:
The young server is overwhelmed.
CHARLIE
So I can have more than one?
SERVER
Uh, sir, you can have as many as you
like.
CHARLIE
Why don't you leave the tray, and
we'll take it from here.
SERVER
Um, I'm not sure I'm allowed.
Charlie just takes it, and shoos him away.
CHARLIE
Sure you are. Now get going. Hiya!
Hiya!
The server bolts. He and Frank eat the free cheese cubes.
FRANK
Watch yourself Charlie, these
hoighty-toighty art people will judge
you at the drop of a hat.
CHARLIE
Dude, what are you worried about? We
got our own thing goin'. We don't
need to know how they get these
people inside the paintings. Don't be
afraid of them. Look, Dennis, is
mingling well.
DENNIS:
Dennis stalks up to the critic. She examines a painting.
DENNIS
Fascinating, isn't it?
She turns to him. He extends his hand.
DENNIS
Dennis Reynolds.

10.
CRITIC
Nice to meet you, I'm-DENNIS
The strong strokes. It's-(shivers)
Powerful. You know, I studied art at
Penn.
CRITIC
You're an art major?
DENNIS
Well, I took a class, but I always
said, you can't learn art, you have
to live art.
She's already starting to smell his bullshit.
CRITIC
Really? So what do you think about
this one, then?
DENNIS
Well. To be honest I find it bit
amateur. The artist is clearly trying
to show passion-- fierceness-- lust-With each descriptor he takes a creepy step toward her.
She eyes him up in down. --Is she into him?
SWEET DEE:
Dee stands around the artist and all his friends. They look
like they were pulled out of a gay eighties action film. Dee
tries to fit in with the crowd.
ARTIST
I told him, for that amount I could
paint your finger nails.
They all laugh, Dee a little louder than the rest.
SWEET DEE
Aw man, poor people, right? The
worst.
ARTIST
Oh Dee, I didn't know you were here.
He finishes his martini.

11.
SWEET DEE
Oh yeah, I, um, I actually got you
that drink.
He looks at his now empty glass.
ARTIST
Looks like it's time for a refill.
He hands it to her, and turns, closes her out of the circle.
SWEET DEE
Okay, I'll just-- Really?
He gives her a little dismissive wave.
CHARLIE, FRANK, AND MAC:
Frank stuffs his face then looks up at an ART GOER.
FRANK
(mouth full)
Whadda you lookin' at? Huh?!
The art goer turns, and walks off.
FRANK
Yuppie scum.
MAC
Jesus, Frank, chill out, man.
He keeps scarfing down the food, then suddenly stops.
FRANK
I don't feel so good.
CHARLIE
No shit, man, you just ate like
thirty crab cakes in like two
minutes.
FRANK
Ughhh... I gotta go find a bathroom.
MAC
Just get away from me.
Frank stumbles away groaning.
MAC
God, this is dumb. Stupid paintings
makin' me feel weird things.

12.

Like what?
What?

CHARLIE
MAC

CHARLIE
Like, what are they making you feel?
Mac stares at one painting in particular. It's abstract, but
pretty much looks just like a penis.
MAC
Nothing! Shut up!
Dennis jogs up.
DENNIS
Well this is a waste. The crowd here
clearly knows nothing about art.
Where's Dee? Let's go.
MAC
Thank you. Let's get outta here.
CHARLIE
Ehh... I'm gonna stick around a
little longer.
Charlie eyes the artist, from across the room.
MAC
Whatever Charlie. You and Frank can
gorge yourselves on old cheese.
Dennis and I are going, who cares if
we don't know about stupid art.
DENNIS
Welllll... I wouldn't clump me in
with your low class way of thinking.
MAC
What are you saying?
DENNIS
I did take some art theory in
college.
Mac and Charlie groan. They've heard this too many times.
CHARLIE
Jesus. No one cares!

13.
MAC
It was one class.
CHARLIE
Oh my God. And you never went! You
just got high with us.
MAC
Didn't you fail it?
CHARLIE
Yeah you were like the only person
ever to fail an art class.
DENNIS
Shut up, alright. Just shut up. The
point is, this is my kinda crowd.
And, I don't want you two thinking
that, somehow, we're on the same
level.
MAC
You don't think I can talk about dumb
art? I can talk about dumb art.
DENNIS
The fact that you keep calling it art
instead of paintings makes me think,
no, you can't.
MAC
I'll show you. C'mon Charlie.
CHARLIE
Hey, dude, I do not care. You go. I'm
good here.
Mac pauses for a moment, then charges in toward the critic.
CHARLIE
Man you're all makin' way too big a
deal for this stuff.
DENNIS
Charlie, have you not looked at the
paintings yet?
CHARLIE
Why would I, man? I got a constant
flow of cheese comin' out of this
door, and eyes on the genie over
there. I'm good.

14.
DENNIS
Now when you say genie, you're
referring to what exactly?
Like he needs to be more obvious.
CHARLIE
Uh, the guy Dee's trying to sleep
with.
DENNIS
And you think this man, this genie,
has unlimited magical powers?
CHARLIE
Nooo. There are limits, and his
powers are bonded until a wish is
made. Might have to answer a riddle
or two also. I don't know. I mean I'm
no expert on genies, just got an idea
on how they work.
DENNIS
Okay. First off there's no such thing
as a genie.
CHARLIE
Well, agree to disagree.
DENNIS
No. No, I can't do that. Can't do
that since you're just wrong.
CHARLIE
You might be the wrong one.
DENNIS
Genies aren't real!
Dennis composes himself again.
DENNIS
Regardless of any of that, there's
one painting you might be interested
in.
Doubt it.

CHARLIE

MOMENTS LATER:
Charlie stands awe-struck, Dennis behind him. We can't see
what they're looking at yet.

15.

That's...
Oh, I know.

CHARLIE
DENNIS

He claps him on his shoulders.

DENNIS
I'll leave you with this. I'm gonna
go watch Mac crash and burn.
Dennis leaves and Charlie just stares up at the painting.
Now we see it. It's a classy nude from behind of THE
WAITRESS. Charlie is speechless.
MAC:
Mac walks up to the critic.
MAC
Fascinating, isn't it?
She rolls her eyes. --Not another one.
CRITIC
Mhmm. Tell me what do you see?
Mac looks at the painting, just a bunch of obscure shapes
and colors.
MAC
Umm... Struggle?
She arches an eyebrow.
Go on.

CRITIC

MAC
It's, uh, a struggle to find it's
self in a chaotic world, and the
walls are pushing in.
She smiles and takes his arm, and takes him to another,
equally abstract, painting.
CRITIC
And this one?
MAC
This is, um, insecurity?

16.
CRITIC
Good, go on.
The praise goes to Mac's head. He does go on.
MAC
It's insecurity, and a fear of
judgment. The world is too narrow for
the artist.
CRITIC
And this one.
MAC
Oh, that's a big ol' dong.
She look at him in amazement. Mac grins, and looks over his
shoulder at a fuming...
DENNIS:
DENNIS
God damn, Mac. I'm so envious of his
dumb art knowledge, and kick-ass
karate skills.
INT. PADDY'S PUB - ENVY ROOM - DAY
The gang is in the room. Mac has the same grin, as he looks
over his shoulder at Dennis.
DENNIS
I did not say that!
MAC
Okay, I might have made up that last
part, but, you were envious of my art
skills.
Dennis "Pfts" without any real response.
DENNIS
I was not envious of you. I'm not
envious. I don't envy.
CHARLIE
I don't know man, you did seem pretty
pissed.
FRANK
You talked about it the whole ride
home.

17.
DENNIS
Shut up, Frank. How would you know?
SWEET DEE
Is this why you hung up that horrible
painting? You're envious of Mac?
DENNIS
I am not envious of Mac, and that
painting is powerful.
MAC
It really isn't.
Thank you.

SWEET DEE

MAC
Dee, shut it.
Dennis is losing it.
DENNIS
Fine! Fine! I was envious, is that
what you wanted to hear? Is that what
you all wanted to hear? Dennis
Reynolds is a mortal man. I know it
comes as quite a shock.
FRANK
Mac, this is getting boring as shit.
Let's hurry it up.
Dennis seems in shock at his confession.
MAC
Oh don't you fret, Frank. You're
coming up next.
The gang heads toward the next section.
END OF ACT 1

18.
ACT 2
INT. PADDY'S PUB - GLUTTONY ROOM - DAY
A full buffet of food is spread out. Artemis stands at one
end, dressed as a sexy devil, goatee and all.
ARTEMIS
Welcome to the hall of gluttony, my
sinful sinners.
She walks out and touches everyone mouth lightly.
ARTEMIS
Feast your eyes, and feast your
mouths.
She picks up a chicken wing and gets to Frank. She shushes
him with it.
ARTEMIS
Frank, this is your hell.
Frank bites the wing out of her hand.
FRANK
What are you sayin'?
MAC
Frank, you're a glutton. And, frankly
you have a problem.
FRANK
Whadd'a you talkin' about?
MAC
You wouldn't give me the money to pay
for this thing unless I put a buffet
in it.
Frank already has a fist full of mashed-potatoes.
FRANK
Don't worry 'bout me.
Mac looks around to the others, to confirm agreement.
MAC
Oh, no. No one's worried. I don't
care what you do to your excuse for a
body.

19.
SWEET DEE
Eat your way to a heart attack for
all we care.
MAC
The simple fact is it's affecting us.
CHARLIE
It's gross, man.
Artemis massages him while he eats a turkey, like an animal.
SWEET DEE
And the weird food-sex-thing is
really starting to get outta' hand.
Frank grunts. He and Artemis are really getting into it.
MAC
Frank you have a problem.
He looks up from his feast, mouth full.
Prove it.
Well...

FRANK
MAC

INT. SWANKY ART SHOW - LATER THAT NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

Dee comes in behind the artist. Martini in hand. She finally
has him alone. He stares at a piece of art with fascination.
SWEET DEE
Fascinating isn't it.
He turns to her, then slumps.
ARTIST
Oh, hello Deandra. And no, it's not
fascinating, it's drivel. Just like
the rest of my work. It's pointless.
Where is my-SWEET DEE
Mhmm. Hey I have an idea, after the
show why don't we head back to your
studio, make a little art of our own.
Whadda'ya say?
He looks her over.

20.
ARTIST
No. I don't think so.
SWEET DEE
Okay, you do know by making art I
meant sex, right?
Yeah.

ARTIST

SWEET DEE
And you're just sayin...
ARTIST
No. I find you...
He studies her features.
ARTIST
Far too bird like.
Dee nods, and downs the martini for him.
SWEET DEE
Okay. Well, you can go bite a boner.
She turns to go. There is a scream from across the room.
Both turn to see it.
SWEET DEE
Oh, God damn it.
ARTIST
Now that is passion, that is beauty.
FRANK:
Frank has tackled a server to the ground, he eats the cheese
cubes off the ground like a warthog, grunts and all.
Two SECURITY GUARDS grab him off the floor.
SECURITY GUARD
C'mon, buddy, let's go.
FRANK
(mouth full)
Don't you judge me. Don't you yuppie
yahoo bastards say a thing.
SECURITY GUARD 2
No one's sayin' anything. Just, let's
go, buddy.

21.
They pull him out by his shoulders. Frank yells, mouth full.
FRANK
I judge you, you hear me. I judge
you!!
INT. PADDY'S PUB - GLUTTONY ROOM - DAY
They're all there except for Frank and Artemis. The rest of
the gang doesn't notice yet.
MAC
You see Frank, that's your problem.
He looks around confused.
MAC
Where's Frank?
There's a grunt and a groan from behind the buffet.
Oh no.
Oh, Jesus.

CHARLIE
SWEET DEE

Two sets of legs pop out from behind the buffet. Groans.
They all book it out of the room.
DENNIS
God damn it, Frank.
They squeeze through, and into...
INT. PADDY'S PUB - LUST ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Decorated with cartoon drawings of rats and cheese. The gang
scrambles in. GROANS of horrible passion echo in.
SWEET DEE
Mac, just let us out of here.
CHARLIE
Wait a minute, what's goin' here?
Charlie looks around at the painted rats and cheese. Rubs
his hand over them.
MAC
Oh, this is your room, Charlie.

22.
CHARLIE
And these rats.... They're...
Mac looks to Dee and Denis.
MAC
They're drawings, Charlie.
CHARLIE
Mhmm. So they can't see me?
MAC
What? No, they're drawings. Charlie
this is your room. You're lust.
What?!

DENNIS

What?

What?!

SWEET DEE

MAC

DENNIS
Charlie got lust? That's bullshit,
Mac. Lust is the cool sin. I want
lust.
SWEET DEE
Yeah, I kinda thought I was gonna be
gettin' lust.
DENNIS
Let's not get crazy now, Dee.
Charlie touches the rats and cheese.
MAC
Charlie, get over here.
SWEET DEE
What's so crazy about that?
DENNIS
How would you be lust?
SWEET DEE
I'll have you know I'm very lusty.
People lust for me. In this stupid
story Mac's telling I'm lusting left
and right.
MAC
Dee I would rather sleep with a man
than you.

23.
SWEET DEE
Oh really, Mac? Really? I'm sure you
wou-DENNIS
Ohh'Kayyy... Mac, just explain how
exactly Charlie is lust.
Dennis looks to Charlie, who is still examining the rats.
DENNIS
Jesus, Charlie. Get over here.
Charlie joins them. Dennis looks around the room.
MAC
Charlie is totally lust. You see,
he-DENNIS
Mac, I'm gonna stop you real quick.
If you say Charlie lusts for cheese
or rats, I swear, I will rip these
walls from ground and burn this whole
thing.
Mac gets a little insecure.
MAC
Noooo. No it's not just-- Or, It's
not cheese.
SWEET DEE
Really? 'Cause it sure as shit looks
like that's what you're sayin'.
Mac looks around. --Doesn't know what to say.
Uh...

MAC

INT. SWANKY ART SHOW - LATER THAT NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

CHARLIE:
The artist passes over his paintings. He turns and comes
face to face with Charlie. A little too close.
CHARLIE
Fascinating, isn't it?
Getting a face full of Charlie's breath.

24.
ARTIST
Oh. Whew. Oh, God, Is that cheese?
CHARLIE
(trying to be cool)
So how's this thing work?
The artist looks around, he's alone in this section of the
gallery.
ARTIST
Hows what work?
CHARLIE
Come on, I get it, you're not foolin'
me. The wishes, is it just three?
Maybe I can answer some bonus
riddles, or something.
ARTIST
What are you talking about?
CHARLIE
I saw the picture, dude. You show me
my desires, I prove myself to you.
Maybe kill someone. Do you accept
rats? 'Cause I got a shit ton of 'em
under my belt.
The artist looks around for help, but there's no one around.
ARTIST
What desires? Did you just offer to
kill somebody?
The artist stares at Charlie, like he's examining him.
CHARLIE
What desires? Pft... Come on, man, I
get it.
Charlie points at the nude of the waitress.
ARTIST
Oh, that one? I call it... waitress.
CHARLIE
Yeah, me too. So how do we do this?
The artist strokes Charlie's face.

25.
ARTIST
Your skin is amazing. Do you spend a
lot of time in dark places? Caves
maybe?
CHARLIE
Well, sewers and basements mostly,
sometimes under bridges.
He grabs Charlie's face.
ARTIST
I must paint you.
DEE AND DENNIS:
They sulk in the corner getting drunk on champagne.
SWEET DEE
I can't believe this.
I know.

DENNIS

SWEET DEE
I put some serious work into him.
DENNIS
What? Oh Dee, who the hell cares
about your gay genie. I'm talking
about Mac. How can she be falling
for-for-for Mac?!
MAC:
Mac's lovin' it. She has her arm around him, and he leads
her toward Dennis, and Dee.
CRITIC
You're great at this.
MAC
I am, aren't I. I am great. Oh look
Dennis and Dee.
The saunter up to the two sour siblings.
MAC
What's up with you two jabronis?
DENNIS
(to critic)
Really? Him?

26.
She shrugs.
CRITIC
Better than some of the other people
here.
DENNIS
Oh, real nice.
MAC
Where's Charlie?
SWEET DEE
Charlie's trying to get his wishes
granted. God damn it, this is why I
didn't want you guys coming here in
the first place.
MAC
Calm down. That guy wouldn't have
gone for you even if you were alone.
SWEET DEE
Oh really, Mac?
MAC
Yeah! Really, Dee.
SWEET DEE
That's it. We're leaving.
DENNIS
(to critic)
You know he's low class, right? The
lowest of the low.
Oh, I know.

CRITIC

She squeezes him tighter. Dennis grimaces.

CHARLIE:
Charlie has a napkin with scribble on it out. The artist
really examines Charlie's head.
CHARLIE
If you'd just take a look at it, I
think it'll cover everything.
The artist grabs the napkin, and looks at it.

27.
ARTIST
I-- What does this say? Is that snake
shoes? You want shoes made of snake
skin, or shoes for a snake to wear?
Yeah.
What?

CHARLIE
ARTIST

SWEET DEE (O.S.)

Oh heeeyyy... What's goin' on guys?
Dee leads, Mac stands with the critic, Dennis glowers at
them from behind.
CHARLIE
Dee, I got this. I uh, will you just
get outta here you guys? Just get
out!
(to artist)
Don't worry about them. There just a
little-Charlie makes some sound like a whistle and a buzz.
SWEET DEE
Mhmm. Okay sure, but just real quick.
(to artist)
You know Charlie here thinks you're a
genie, right?
Charlie snorts, and shakes his head.
CHARLIE
No. No I don't.
DENNIS
Oh sure you do, Charlie. You told us.
(to artist)
Has he been asking for wishes?
The artist looks at Charlie.
CHARLIE
No. It's just. You know. If you have
any riddles for me, I'm pretty good
at that kinda ting, and we can uhh...
figure it out from there.
The artist is about to say something when--

28.
There are SCREAMS from off screen.
FRANK:
Frank busts in, gun drawn.
FRANK
Judge me, you bastards.
He grabs a handful of shrimp off the freaked out server's
tray. He eats them all in one disgusting mouthful.
FRANK
(mouth too full)
Ey-- chi-- onnn-- ooo--- Arrrr--He trails off into maniacal laughter. He cocks the gun,
before he's tackled to the ground. The gun goes off and hits
the penis painting.
Nooo...
Nooo...

ARTIST
MAC

The gang looks at Mac. --Come on.

They're all ready to leave.
Dee walks up behind the artist. He's crumpled on the floor.
Devastated. Dee tries one last time.
SWEET DEE
(to artist)
So, just so we're clear. We're not
gonna...
No.

ARTIST

SWEET DEE
Okay. Charlie, let's go.
Charlie stuffs his napkin in the artists vest, and pats it.
CHARLIE
Just let me know once you got that
riddle ready.
Ready Mac?

SWEET DEE

29.
The critic smiles and tightens her hold on him.
Yep.
What?!

MAC

CRITIC

What?!

DENNIS

CRITIC
What about tonight? I thought-MAC
Ohhhh, no. No, I don't actually like
any of this dumb shit. Plus you're
just slummin'.
CRITIC
What? No-no I'm not.
--Totally is. Mac looks from her to Dennis. He lets go of
her.
MAC
Please. I know what slummin' looks
like. This guy does it like every
weekend.
DENNIS
Kind of a slummin' king.
MAC
Oh, you totally are, man.
CRITIC
You know I was gonna have sex with
you tonight, right?
MAC
Uh yeah. I don't want to have sex
with you. I was just trying to prove
a point.
He pats Dennis' chest in victory and walks out.
Let's go.

MAC

Dennis lingers.
DENNIS
For the record, I'd still be
interested in having sex with you.

30.
CRITIC
You know what Dennis Reynolds? Yes.
Let's make passionate, passionate,
love.
Nooope...

SWEET DEE (V.O.)

MAC (V.O.)
She did not.
INT. PADDY'S PUB - LUST ROOM - LATER
Dennis looks up, caught in his own fantasy. The other three
call him out on it.
DENNIS
And how the hell do you know?
CHARLIE
We were there!
Dennis grimaces and accepts defeat.
DENNIS
Fine! But, Mac, something's been
gnawing at me. This whole elaborate
maze.
Dennis crosses toward Mac. Menace in his eyes.
DENNIS
Each room designed so precisely to
highlight our individual sins. Where,
do tell, is your room?
Mac laughs.
MAC
Nice try. I'm saving you guys. I
don't have a room. I didn't sin.
Oh no?

DENNIS

Dennis nods and walks around the room, taking it in.

DENNIS
This is a pretty nice maze.
Mac's smiles. Ego inflated.

31.
DENNIS
It's just... It could'a been better
though. If girl had done it.
MAC
You shut up! This maze is the shit!
I'll kick your ass!
Dennis smirks. Mac steps back.
DENNIS
Pride. Wrath. Two of the seven.
MAC
No. But that doesn't count.
Admit it!

DENNIS

Dennis gets close to Mac.

DENNIS
You're just as much a sinner as the
rest of us.
Mac seems crushed at the realization.
No.
Oh, yes.

MAC
DENNIS

SWEET DEE (O.S.)

Jesus. Can we get on with it?
Dennis and Mac turn to Dee.
SWEET DEE
Charlie's just over here staring down
your horrible drawings.
Charlie has a real weird look on his face. He stares down
the rat drawings.
SWEET DEE
C'mon, let's get this over with.
What's mine? Let's go so we're done.
Mac has a blank expression on his face.

32.
MAC
Oh, I didn't do anything for you,
Dee.
What?

SWEET DEE

MAC
Yeah, thing is I spent so much time
on the other ones, and really... I
really don't care about your soul,
Dee.
Dee can't tell if she should be offended or relieved.
SWEET DEE
What? You made all the other assholes
some room.
DENNIS
Are you complaining right now, Dee.
Jesus you're annoying.
Dennis smacks Mac's arm.
DENNIS
Hey, I know what will get our minds
off this sinner stuff. Let's go to
the strip club.
MAC
Yeah!! And Dee you can be, I dunno...
You're a dirty, dirty slut, and you
look like a bird.
Haha. Nice.

DENNIS

SWEET DEE
What? No I don't-- And, and, that's
not even a sin.
MAC
Sure it is. And for punishment uh...
You can clean up this whole maze.
What? No.

SWEET DEE

DENNIS
No, that seem pretty fair. You won't
learn from you sins if you're not
punished, sis. C'mon Charlie.

33.
Charlie gives the rat drawings one final stare. Then heads
toward the guys. They walk out of the room.
MAC
(calling back)
Oh, and you'll need a drill. I really
got them into the ground.
DENNIS (O.S.)
Frank! Strip club!
Dee just shakes her head. She looks around the room at all
the construction
SWEET DEE
Oh God damn it. God, Damn it.

END ACT 2

34.
TAG
INT. SWANKY ART SHOW - LATE THAT NIGHT
The gallery is cleared out. The only two people who remain
are the artist and the critic.
They stare at one of the paintings. We can't see it yet.
I'm sorry.

CRITIC

ARTIST
What are you talking about? That
insane idiot increased the worth
tenfold. It's perfect.
They both cock their heads to look at the piece.
CRITIC
What do you call it?
Now we see it. It's the penis painting, the bullet-hole is
perfectly placed.
ARTIST
It's called, dong.
Really?
Yeah.
Hmm.

CRITIC
ARTIST
CRITIC

There is a beat of silence between them.

Wanna bang?
Sure.

ARTIST
CRITIC

They walk of toward an office in the gallery and shut the

door. Sound of sex start to drift out. Then...
CHARLIE:
He struts in whistling. He grabs the waitress painting off
the wall, and casually walks out.