purseStrings
your partner.
By Vani Saraswathi
“Money was always a very
big issue – it has always
played a big role in marriages.
Men and women are working.
Women are financially inde-
pendent, and feel they have
a right to stand up and make
financial decisions. It brings
confidence and independence.
It also brings in increasing
needs. Money is no longer for
just basics.”
— Dr Madhu Pahwa
in all Marriages
S
tanding in line at the cash coun-
ter of a crowded supermarket was
this couple in a heated argument,
holding up half a dozen other
customers.
He says, “You can’t spend so much
every time we come shopping. I am not
paying for all this.”
She whispers, “I need this stuff, let’s
discuss this outside. Pay up and let’s
move.”
He grumbles, “Not till you dump all
that stuff we don’t need.”
Suddenly they realise that all eyes are
on them. She grabs the chocolate bar
from her son’s hands and throws it back
onto the nearest counter, smacks him for
good measure and walks away.
He bills only the groceries, dumping
the rest back in an empty trolley, snaps at
the cashier for being tardy and storms off
behind his wife.
And that in all probability was not the
end of the story. And I am pretty sure
that the scene will be enacted over and
over again, till they shop for the straw
that will break the camel’s break.
Fighting, not talking
Couples fight over money, but they
seldom talk about it. And therein lies the
problem.
october 2005 32
Do you talk the talk? Are you com-
fortable enough with your husband to
have a heart to heart about this? To shed
your inhibitions? To discuss one of the
most important things in a relationship?
Money.
Damned if you have, damned if you
don’t!
Whether you earn less than your
husband or more, whether you have a
larger inheritance than him or none,
whether his debts are more than yours or
less... Whether you realise it or not, most
marital discord has some association to
finances.
While daily budgets and monthly in-
dulgences are discussed and debated (and
fought over), long term financial plan-
ning and future security often becomes a
unilateral decision.
Psychologists say that many people
will talk about anything, even sex, before
they’ll talk about their finances. Why is
it so difficult for us to talk about money?
Perhaps because money symbolises dif-
ferent things to different people: power,
control, security, or love, for instance.
It’s been estimated that money issues
are the driving force in 90% of divorces,
but you can live happily ever after, finan-
cially speaking, if you work at not letting
financial issues come between you and
pursestrings
In Qatar more than a few divorces
have been the result of money problems.
Husband can’t control wife’s spending
– Talaq! Wife stifled by husband’s hold
over the pursestrings – Talaq! Husband is
a spendthrift and wife struggles over the
daily allowances – Talaq!
Money has always been an issue
Doha-based Neuro-Psychiatrist Dr
Madhu Pahwa says that of the 15 issues
that are attributed to marital discord,
money is definitely a serious one.
“Money was always a very big issue – it
has always played a big role in marriages.
Men and women are working. Women
are financially independent, and feel
they have a right to stand up and make
financial decisions. It brings confidence
and independence. It also brings in
increasing needs. Money is no longer for
just basics.”
However, she also points out that
money problems may not always be
related to needs. “It maybe due to each
other’s approach to money. One maybe
a spendthrift and the other cautious. Pri-
orities maybe different. How much you
spend, on what you spend...”
The big question
The question – and the key to getting
away from money as a trouble spot in
marriages – is why? Why is it that money
is so loaded? Why is it that money gets in
the way, rather than helping us accom-
plish our goals?
The answer to the first question is that
when you enter a serious relationship
with another person, you bring your
financial baggage with you. If you’ve al-
ways been the sort of person who spends
whatever you want and worries about it
later, the person on the side has to deal
with that behaviour.
If you’re just the opposite – someone
who is so worried about having enough
tomorrow that you cut corners on just
about everything – your mate has to deal
with that, too. (Even close friendships
sometimes have financial issues; just
think about the person who orders the
expensive wine, then expects to split
In her book Talking Money, Jean Chatzky, of-
fers practical advice for talking to your spouse
or life partner about this emotionally charged
issue:
1. Find a Neutral Time
Don’t wait until your spouse has charged up a
storm on the credit card or another hot finan-
cial issue arises to broach the subject. The goal
is to have a calm, relaxed discussion when
there’s no particular money issue at hand.
2. Give a Little to Get a Little
Volunteer your own feelings about a financial
issue and it may encourage your partner to do
the same. If your relationship is the first prior-
ity, you’ll both have to be willing to negotiate.
Share your feelings, experiences, and hopes
about money. Discuss how your parents dealt
with money, what it meant to you when you
were growing up, and how you dealt with it in
past relationships.
3. Know Where You Stand
Be honest with yourself about how you feel. If
you’ve always been independent, for example,
it may be hard for you to be “taken care of”
the check.)
There are two keys to getting over the
financial humps. The first one is under-
standing what drives your own money
behaviour.
The second is spending a chunk of
time understanding what drives your
spouse. You may not condone or even
enjoy the way he handles his money, but
it will be a lot tougher to deal with if you
don’t know where it’s coming from.
october 2005 33
financially. If you have more assets than your
partner, you may feel fear about risking your
hard-earned money, or resentment if his or
her spending habits are not good. You have to
be honest with yourself about these feelings in
order to be honest with your partner.
4. Bring in a Third Party
If you can’t seem to talk about finances, seek
out a counsellor to help you sort through your
financial issues. This could be a financial
counsellor or a therapist or marriage
counsellor.
Dos and Don’ts for Couples
Chatzky also offers these do’s and don’ts for
merging your finances:
Track Your Spending
Knowing where your money is going is the
first key to financial security, and keeping a
budget, which includes tracking your spend-
ing, is the only way to really know where your
money is going.
Agree to Disagree
Come up with spending and savings goals and
guidelines, then let your partner manage his
or her own spending money.
Designate a Bill Payer
One of you is likely to be better at day-to-day
management of the household expenses. It’s
okay to designate this person as the bill payer,
but the other person should be involved and
should know what needs to be done and how
to do it.
Keep Separate Credit Cards
Each of you should have at least one credit
card in your own name in order to maintain a
separate credit history. If you divorce or your
spouse dies, it will be difficult or impossible to
get a mortgage, loan, or credit card without it.
Having a joint card with both your names on it
doesn’t work.
Shying away
Issues related to finances, like issues
related to sexuality, are often difficult
for spouses to effectively communicate
about. For one there is a belief that ‘you
are supposed to know about all that,
because adults should be able to take
care of money matters’; and the other is
embarrassment.
It is often difficult to admit that “we
don’t have enough money to buy a car,
pursestrings
well worth both if better discussions are
Getting married? are often overlooked in the
rosy glow of romance before
fostered. If what you heard is what was
intended, build upon it. If it wasn’t, ask
Talk money, not the wedding. for clarifications in a positive way. For
just love! Avoiding Arguments About
example, if your spouse says “there’s no
If you are in the throes of new money at all,” does he/she mean “for any-
Money thing,” “for food,” “for rent,” “for a new
love or are a newly-wed, don’t
Once you’re married, how car,” or “until next payday”? Obviously
brush away money problems
do you avoid arguing with each has a different potential impact.
as something that can’t hap-
your spouse about money? What was meant, needs to be understood
pen to you. You seriously can’t
Determine your money as information and feeling.
live on love, sms-es and fresh
personalities. Review your 3. Sympathise and empathise. Being able
air alone.
finances together on a regular to feel sorry for or with the way someone
Have you talked about how
basis. And most importantly, feels is important and so is being able to
you’ll combine your income?
talk about money matters feel like someone else, sharing the experi-
How you’ll pay your bills?
openly and honestly. ence. Two together can often overcome
Have you talked about your
saving and investing goals, problems one alone can only stew over.
before you actually tie the Develop a budget. 4. Be sensitive to the non-verbal messages
your philosophy about money,
knot. Discuss your financial Calculate your combined in- as well as the ones expressed in words. A
your spending habits, your
goals. Get copies of your credit come and subtract your com- look, someone’s posture, leaving the room
debts?
reports and review them bined monthly expenses and when a discussion starts, all can give us
It never hurts to say it
together. Decide whether debt repayments. Hopefully important messages. But they can be con-
again and again – disagree-
you’ll keep separate credit you’ll have something left fusing messages. Check them out, clarify
ments over finance is one of
cards, add your names to over to build an emergency the messages as best you can. Too much
the main causes of divorce.
each other’s existing credit fund, add to your savings, or interpretation may be as much a problem
So getting these issues out in
cards, or get new joint credit invest. as not enough.
the open and coming to an
cards. Talk about how you’ll Decide which one of you will 5. Take time out to talk. Turn off the TV,
understanding before mar-
handle your checking ac- be responsible for paying the pull the plug on the phone. Take a walk
riage will help a great deal.
count: separate or combined? bills and taking care of other or a drive. Go out for a cup of coffee and
And how you’ll save for financial tasks. The best way or sit on the Corniche. Change the setting
Mingling Your Money
your financial goals. These to do this is by identifying to maximise your chances for effective
It’s best to discuss how you
are money issues that have each person’s strengths and communication. It helps to reduce static
will mingle your money
long-term consequences but assigning tasks accordingly. in the air for clearer communication.
6. Sometimes just be there. Someone to
home theatre (tickets to the moon!).” Studies indicate men and women, as lean on or to be a listener is comforting.
Compound that with the serious situ- groups, tend to communicate somewhat The closeness those roles provide can be
ation of job loss/unemployment and you differently – women more at a feeling most helpful.
are likely to find an embarrassing situa- level; men more at an information level. 7. Constructive spousal communica-
tion where spouses have difficulty sharing 1. Work on hearing what your spouse is tion sets the tone for constructive family
information, let alone feelings and beliefs. communicating – feeling low about losing communication. Work at being excellent
The discussion may even be more difficult a job may be more significant to her or role models. Even disagreements, when
when it includes the children, probably him than the fact that she or he will be obviously resolved, can be good learning
because it might put parents in the posi- needing to seek other employment. examples for children. And, spouses may
tion of ‘admitting’ they are not fully in The message sent isn’t necessarily the one well learn from what their children learn.
control of their lives. But parent-child received. We have filters which process Sometimes the wisdom of kids is unfet-
relationships are based upon solid spousal our intended communications. “I’m mad” tered by the shackles of adulthood. They,
relations, and so it is important for part- might mean “at myself,” “at the situa- too, may help us take charge of our lives.
ners to work at effective communication. tion,” or, “at my spouse” depending on And remember that couple in the
how we say it and who is hearing it. check-out line? Might have been wise
Learning to Listen 2. Clarify your understanding of verbal (and less embarrassing), if they had spent
And communication is a two-way street. interchanges. Restate them as you think about 10 minutes talking and finalising
Be a sender and a receiver of messages. you’ve heard them to see if what you a shopping list, before stepping out of
Talk, but listen too. Listening is often a heard is what was intended. This takes home! And another hour every month re-
little practiced art. some effort, and courage, but may be viewing their financial (dis)agreements!
october 2005 34