Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Volume II Edition XVIII

Protesting is the New Black

By LeeAnn Rhoden
Wednesday was the
first annual Protest Day. It
is the brain-child of Dr.
Simon Sez who saw the
trend
of
protesting
growing in popularity.
What we have is a
generation of people like
weve never seen before,
said Dr. Sez. These
generations feel entitled to
the
things
previous
generations fought to earn
and at the same time, they
feel victimized by the very
people who provide for
them the things they are
entitled
to.
Its
an
interesting phenomenon in
logical illogic or illogical
logic.
This trend has created
a brand new industry and
job
creation
of
professional protestors and
rioters. These people,
whether they agree with
the cause or not, are paid
disruptors and rabble
rousers. Paid by the
special interest groups
leading the outrage. Weve
seen the damage and
destruction caused by
these factions in Ferguson,
Baltimore, Cleveland, Los
Angeles, and a number of
other places.
What Annual Protest
Day does is it provides a
lawful, organized, outlet
for these protestors. And,
since they wish to engage
in rioting, looting, burning,
etc., each year and area in
need of renewal will be
selected. The citizens will
be relocated. The crowds
will then be allowed into
the marked zone and they
are free to break windows,

wreak
havoc,
burn
buildings, throw rocks,
hold sit-ins, whatever.
They will be able to shout,
chant, carry protest signs,
and hang banners. Police
will not infringe on their
rights to protest and will
only protect the perimeter
of the protest zone,
ensuring the safety of the
citizens and property in the
surrounding area.
This year, protestors of
fossil fuels joined the
melee. They ran up against
those who are proponents
of the use of fossil fuels.
Fossil
fuels
are
horrible,
stated
one
protestor.
Their
harvesting and refining
creates pollution that is
damaging to the planet and
all living things.
Its hard to take these
people seriously. Look at
them. Their bicycles have
rubber tires, rubber pedals,
rubber handles, rubber
breaks, vinyl seats stuffed
with foam, and plastic
cable covers. They drink
from plastic bottles. They
wear plastic goggles, and
synthetic
moisturewicking clothing. All of
which are made from
fossil fuels, replied a
counter-protestor. Youd
think once these things
were pointed out to them
theyd shut up. But they
dont realize just how silly
they are.
The protestors ended
the Annual Protest Day by
pouring
gasoline
on
several buildings and
setting it aflame. Using
fossil fuels and causing air
pollution.

3-Year Old Trapped On Roof

By A. Marie Silver

Firefighters
were
called to a home in an
Annapolis suburb Friday
afternoon after neighbors
reported seeing a toddler
on the roof of a town
home.
I thought it was a toy
at first, said one witness.
But after a second look, I
realized it was a small
child.
Police and rescue
crews responded within
minutes after the call and
firefighters safely retrieved
the child from the roof.
However, officials are still
baffled as to how the child
got on the roof.
I didnt know he was
on the roof, said the
childs mother. He was
supposed to be in his room
napping.
The childs mother was
interviewed by police and
child neglect was ruled
out. However, a search of
the home revealed one
surprising detail. A faulty
latch
on the
boys
bedroom window made it
easy for the toddler to
open the window and it
appears the child grabbed
a drain pipe just outside
the window and climbed
up.

Hes been climbing

stuff around the house.
Furniture, appliances, but
nothing like this, his
baffled mother told police.
A window repairman
was called to the home to
repair the latch and the
toddlers parents had an
alarm installed on all
windows and doors.
We never felt the
need to hire an alarm
company before. Our two
attack cats are quite
vicious in nature. Burglars
wouldnt last a second,
said the boys father. It
seems ironic that were
installing an alarm to keep
someone inside.

Weather

Index

In
the
northern
hemisphere:
getting
warmer, getting warmer,
getting warmer.
In
the
southern
hemisphere:
getting
colder, getting colder,
getting colder.

More News..............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor................
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, May 24, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition XVIII

So What, Hollywood?
By Ellie Fitzgerald

This
weeks
entertainment news once
again
has
failed
to
entertain
anyone,
in
particular the reporter of
this story. I fell asleep on
my keyboard typing this
story and woke up to find
over 300 pages of random
characters.
An
article
containing
random
characters
is
more
entertaining
than
this
weeks
entertainment
news. Unfortunately, my
editor wouldnt go for it.
So heres the actual news.
Get ready to yawn.
Beyonc is drowning in
troubled
waters
after
allegedly pouring out a
$20,000
bottle
of
champagne into a bathtub
for her latest video,
Feeling Myself. Fans
and critics were outraged

at how she wasted all that

money when she could
have used it for a charity.
And while I agree with that
reasoning, the only thing
Im feeling is bored.
Taylor Swift reportedly
wore an off-the-rack sex
costume for her latest
video, Bad Blood. If
anyone out there knows
why this is news, feel free
to send me an email at
sham_farce@pilcrow
dagger.com Id love to
know.
Last but not least,
Pamela Anderson told
Ellen DeGeneres in an
interview that she plans to
date a lot of guys. Hasnt
she already? Its amazing
what people think of as
news. I for one, am left
asking,
So
what,
Hollywood?

Rants & Raves

To
my
homeowners
association - The length of
my grass is a very stylishshaggy. I like it longer.
Stop telling me to mow it!
To the customer service
rep I spent two hours on
the phone with. Thank you
very much for trying to
engage my printer and
computer in a therapy
session. I still think its
unfortunate that they refuse

Editorial

Letter to Editor

By Sham Farce

Parks are fantastic

places for kids to play, run,
scream,
push,
shove,
throw,
cry,
and
do
whatever it is kids do. Now
that school is out in some
areas and soon to be out in
others, the parks will be
crammed full of the little
boogers. Good. Keeps
them out of my yard and
out of trouble. There is
only one problem with kids
packing the parks: the
equipment gets hot and
they can get hurt.
Pilcrow & Dagger
supports the idea of
covering the play areas
with sun sails or other
shading roof-like things to
keep the kids cooler and
the equipment from getting
too hot. Its a small price to
pay now to avoid the high
cost of skin cancer
treatments and lawsuits
down the road.
Splash pads help cool
the little monkeys down
too but there needs to be
sun screen dispensers as
readily as hand sanitizer
dispensers.
They
are
equally important in my
estimation.

Dear Mr. Farce,

This letter is in
reference to your May 17,
2015 editorial. While your
suggestion for an in-home
decibel reader is intriguing,
I do wonder what good it
would do for a screaming
infant.
In
general,
screaming
infants
generally do so at loud
volumes. But I feel an
infant
lacks
the
comprehension
to
understand that it should
not scream in particular
at a loud volume. How do
you propose enforcing the
results of the decibel
reader when the offender is
an infant?
Sincerely,
Alarm Clock Serial Killer
Dear Mr. Farce,
The working moms coop highlighted in the May
17th paper is a genius idea.
These moms have hit upon
something that is fantastic.
It solves their problem of
what to do with their kids
in the summer. I would be
interested
in
forming
something along these
lines
in
my
own
neighborhood. Would you
be able to forward me their
information so I can
contact them for details?
- Summer Mom

Dear Monica

to talk to each other and

work together. Who would
have
thought
two
inanimate objects would
suffer from irreconcilable
differences? Thank you
again for fighting the good
fight.

Dear Monica,
Id like to go to my
high school reunion but I
want to lose weight and
accomplish something first
so the mean girls will not
be so mean. Is this normal?
- Sitting at the uncool table

their youth. Go, have a

good time.

To my wonderful husband
who came through with a
belated Mothers Day gift
and got me a new car! You
are THE BEST!

Dear Uncool,
All the mean girls have
gotten divorces, grown fat,
and had bad plastic
surgeries trying to maintain

Dear Winter,
Stop putting food in
your mouth.

Dear Monica,
Whats the best diet
plan for getting a bikini
bod by summer?
- Winter Coated

Sunday, May 24, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition XVIII

Classifieds
For Sale
Reclined
recliner. Tilts to
the left and
doesnt
unrecline.
Very
comfortable and
easy to vacuum
under.
Roller
blades
size 8. Used
once.
Large dog crate.
Large
dog
included.
Mini
Cooper
side
view
mirrors. Left and
right. Respond
to this ad in the
personals. Use
the words Hot
Wheels.

For Hire
Position
available
for
gardener. Must
weed,
prune,
mow, trim, and
edge.
Will
provide
lunch
and water.
Dog brusher and
fur
sweeperupper.
Opening for a
door opener.
Experienced car
detailer. Must be
able to remove
banana
peels,
sippy cups, gold
fish and cheerios
from back seat.

Horoscope
Notices
The May/June
issue of Pilcrow
& Dagger goes
to
press on
Tuesday.
Get
your pre-order in
today.
The window for
submissions for
the July issue
closes on May
30th. The theme
is
a
Midsummers
Dream.
The window for
the August/Sept.
issue is open.
The theme is the
1st day of school
stories.

Pilcrow

March 21
- April 19

Exclamation
Point

April 20 May 20

May 21 June 20

Interrobang
Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand
Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

&

Authority
Point
Because
Sign

Sudoku

Octothorpe

* @ &

&

? @

@ #

@ ?

&

&

&

@ *

&

&

@ ?

# @

&

* @

&

Answer from last weeks paper

Dagger

June 21 July 22
July 23 Aug 22
Aug 23 Sept 22
Sept 23 Oct 22
Oct 23 Nov 21
Nov 22 Dec 21

Dec 22 Jan 19
Jan 20 Feb 18
Feb 19 March 20

You are not feeling

charming today and you
cant keep a secret.
You have lots of demands
on you today and all you
want is quiet.
There is such a thing as too
much of a good thing.
Often you acquiesce to the
will of others. Learn to say
no.
You are not a 100 dollar
bill. Not everyone will like
you today.
Look inward to the
qualities of humanity and
compassion.
Your strong will and
optimism will bring you
rewards.
Keep a cool head over your
fiery temper.
Tolerance
of
others
political
and
social
positions is good today.
Ask yourself the hard
questions to learn more
about yourself.
You may be at odds with
someone you love. You
need to resynchronize.
You have had a lot of
pressure both physically
and emotionally.