Short Story: Monologue of Self-Subconscious

By Nadhrah (Nudra Elina)

Another same day, same routine. But now she doesnt have to go through all
that treatment anymore. Shes fully healed, and all her memories have finally
returning little by little. She pulls out a diary from her bag pocket. With her diary
still clutched in her hand, she sat on a chair near the window. Staring mindlessly
onto the sky, wandering back to the day she was admitted to the hospital. Not
one but twice. The day she finally woke up as a stranger and the day she woke
up as herself.
Hannah, Hannah. Youre awake! Call Doctor Ben. Oh my poor baby
The blinding light piercing her eyes as she tried opening them. She had no
recollection on what happened. She heard someone call Hannah but she had no
idea who is this Hannah. She also vaguely saw some people with white robe
rushing by her side to check on her. She felt a pain. Reaching her hand toward
her head, she noticed its bandaged.
Hannah, sweetheart. Im so sorry. Oh, god, Im sorry.
She stared wide-eyed at the woman crying in front in front of her. She tries
looking around and she saw a doctor and a nurse trying to calm that woman.
Shes confused. Who the hell are that woman and why she is in a hospital? More
importantly, why cant she remember who is she?
Who are you? This Hannah youve been calling, is it me? Thats the first thing
she spoke about. Clearly that didnt go well, because for a moment she saw
shocks and disbelief from that womans expression. The doctor didnt react
much. Huh, he probably already knew.
That womans now wailing hysterically. God, it was so annoying, all this noise.
And the headache in her head is getting worse by the minutes.
Can somebody tell me whats going on, please? She raised one eyebrow up.
The doctor hesitate for a while but seeing the pleading look from Hannah, he try
his best to explain that shes been injured badly on her head by hard object. But
luckily it didnt do much damage to her brain. In this case, she only experienced
a hysterical, or fugue amnesia triggered by a sudden or shocking event that the
brain cannot process. So for a time being, she might have a hard time
remembering everything from her past and her identity.
The doctor then asks that woman to talk in private. She wonders what they are
going to talk about. But she feels happier now to see that those people buzzing
around her finally gone even if its just for a while. At least now she can have her
privacy moment and have something to dwell over. But right now she feels tired,
and she rather goes back to her sleep.

***
As a week passed by, shes still struggling to remember and live her new life.
She feels awkward, communicating with her mother, and her friends. She asked
about how she got that kind of injury but her mother only said that she doesnt
need to remember that. Her mother always has this scared look in her face when
she asks about her father. Sometimes when she asks the same thing again, she
would cry and mutter that its good that man is no longer in their life. Her mother
probably didnt notice that she actually heard that. But she decides to ignore
that, for now.
Then one day, her father appeared. Out of nowhere. She was walking home from
grocery store and heading inside the house from the back door when she heard a
banging and crashing sound. She also heard a guy and her mothers voice
echoing upstairs, arguing about money and about her.
At first, Hannah thought it was just a normal argument but upon hearing her
mothers painful cry, she went to her mothers room as fast as she could. It was
horrible, the room was a mess and the man she thought must be her father is
having fun beating her mother. She went into a rage seeing her mothers swollen
face. She tries to protect her mother by landing punches on his face but he
dodged them. He tries to hit her head with a vase but her mother is faster. She
pulled his legs and he staggered a bit, making him failed at hitting her.
NO, HANNAH! RUN! I cant let him do this to you again. I promise Ill protect you
but I failed.
Hannah froze. She remembers that words. All the past thoughts begin to jumble
inside her head and she groan when she felt the headache is starting to take
control again. She ignored the pain and her mothers plea, still bent on
protecting her. Her father takes advantage of that moment to push them both
out of the way and she got herself knocked over to the bedpost first and then to
the floor. Her pain doubled and her sight gets blurry, a little blood tricking down
from the back of her head. The last thing she heard was her mothers yell before
she passes out.
***
Somewhere deep in the mind of Hannahs subconscious.
Amnesia was standing in a middle of a huge room. In front of her, she saw an old
man sitting at his desk full of books and theres even a huge metronome making
this weird ticking noise, its almost eerie. The old man asks, Whats your
name?
My name's Amnesia. She answered, her eyes still locked on the metronomes
movement.
What about the one behind you?

She turned around, looking confused and dumbstruck because she didnt see
anybody behind her... Suddenly there's a voice speaking up out of nowhere. And
a transparent light flashed before their eyes.
I'm Memories... The one that she had locked up and suppressed. I've been
trying to reach her, to let go and let Hannah be herself again but she wouldnt let
it.
Amnesia rose from her seat, confused still and feeling insulted, she yelled at
Memories. "You know nothing. I protected her. You're the reason shes like this. If
it wasnt for the bitter memories with her father, I wouldnt even be here.
There, there... Calm down, child. Said the old man.
Who are you? They both now ask the old man with a white beard that had
been standing there beside his desk wearing a cloak and looking wise.
I've been here all the time. I'm Awareness. I keep things in motion. And that
includes you and Memories. As of now, you both have entered the domain
between the dreams and reality. It is not my job to tell you what to do but
shouldnt you include Soul into this discussion as well? After all, you all wouldnt
be here if it wasnt for Soul. He explained.
So, where is this soul? Amnesia interjected while Memories stare sadly at her,
not giving him the chance to say what he wants to say. Well, she cant help it,
she's struggling to remember. She only knows herself. She have blocked out
everything, Memories included.
Awareness walk toward Amnesia, tap her shoulder and give her a calming smile.
He brought her to one of the room with a white door. Upon entering, Amnesia
saw a weak looking girl lying on the bed. Sitting beside the bed where the girl lie
is Zest, someone she actually knew.
Zest stand from his seat, his figure is menacing as always. But not in a wrong
way. He's the kind and protective guardian that has been encouraging her for so
many times. She never hears him speak, but for some reason he always knew
she would understand. So she did, for the past week Hannah live as amnesiac
person.
They both communicate through their eyes. For once, she understands what this
is all about. That girl is Soul, the core of Hannah. She saw Memories sobbing,
feeling guilt at the cause of his existence, though the tears are nowhere to be
seen.
Did you have snot, Memories? She jokes.
Everyone turned their head in her direction, speechless at the crack of the joke.
Okay, okay...no joke. Sorry for being so cynical. I just... dislike the depressing
atmosphere in here.

You're heartless, that's what you are. Memories said in his sobbing voice.
Whats wrong with you? Whatever wrong have I committed to you? I didnt ask
for this.. this situation. Why do you think I was called Amnesia at the first place?
Memories went still for a moment, his light getting dim like a bulb that's almost
losing its battery.
At that moment, Soul open up her eyes.
fight."

The first word she said was "Dont

Amnesia sighs. She wasnt trying to, but getting along with Memories is kind of
hard, considering they didnt really click from the beginning. Its how she
appeared, because Hannah suppressed her memories.
We wont, Soul. Of course, we will discuss how to bring back Hannah from her
subconscious. We dont want her comatose. Or youll be in danger as well.
Soul smile, Ill be fine as long as Zest is here with me. I need him to cheer
Hannah to never give up as well. But now, I want Amnesia and Memories to get
along. This isnt about us, this is about Hannah.
Awareness pulled Amnesia and Memories toward each other, saying Do this for
her mother and her future. He then backs away, giving them both some time to
think what they were supposed to do.
Amnesia hesitate at first but then staring at Memories fading light, she know
that theres not enough time to be selfish. Shes going to fade as well. They both
reach out their hand and shakes, sealing themselves into one as Hannahs past
and present memories.
After that, the whole room was blinding with white light.
***
Hannah opened up her eyes, blankly staring at the ceiling. She frowned and
noticed that first; shes not in her room, second; everything seems white, so she
guess she must be in a hospital and third; she just remembered that she passed
out and lost her memories because of her abusive and drunk father.
Looking to her right, she saw her mother sleeping soundly beside her, sitting and
linking her right hand with hers tightly. She smiled at her beloved mother. But
then she feels sad when she saw the scars and the bruise from her fathers
beating on her beautiful mothers face. She pats her mothers head softly as to
not wake her up. But she woke up, anyway. Delighted at seeing Hannah, she
hugged her while crying.
Oh, mom. Dont cry, please. You look ugly when you cry. You said that yourself
you know. She jokes.

Hannah, oh my god! My Hannah.. You remember. I thought you will never

remember after all that youve been through. Sometimes I wish to God that you
wouldnt.
Really, mom.. You wound my heart. You prefer me lost my memories forever?
She asked, although she already knew the reason why. She just feels like teasing
her mother.
Dont you joke like that; Im just glad youre okay and awake now. You scared
me, sweetie. Youve been in coma for days. Oh my baby.
Is that man going to bother us again? She shudders at the thought of her
abusive father coming to make a mess out of their live again.
No. No more. I filed our divorce to the court. Hes not going to bother us again.
Thank you God. She said. She then hugs her mother tightly.
***
Looking one more time at the scribble and we live happily ever after inside her
diary, she smile. Shes going to enjoy her new life with her mother. Like how all
the stories should be, happily ever after indeed. Although she still is curious
about her subconscious dream when shes in her momentary coma, she felt
grateful nonetheless. She still cant figured out her dream but well, lets leave it
a secret. For now.