THE PITTIFUL NEWS
Volume 1
Number 10
Geology dept. offers up class on elevator repair
By: Julie Rozen
Staff Writer
The Department of Geology and
Planetary Science has announced
that it will be offering a class in
elevator repair this fall semester.
GEOL 0050 will teach students
how to repair the elevator in SRCC
and solve common problems such
as skipping floors or not landing
evenly with the floor.
“I’m in SRCC all the time for
class and to work on my labs,” says
sophomore and geology major
Nepheline Syenite. “I always
wished that I could just fix it my-
self, and now I will be able to do
so.”
The announcement has excited
majors and non-majors alike. The
class is designed to inspire those
who frequent SRCC and under-
stand the value of the elevator to
take the initiative by fixing it.
Remember how we had a picture of living pigeons last week? Well, now we
have a picture of dead pigeon. Hey, remember how the basketball team was
doing last week?
...sorry, too soon?
“We’re Not Pitiful, The News Is”
Students will no longer be forced to
wait until the university makes
time for the repairs.
Confused freshman Al Feldspar
know the importance of this class.
“I don’t know how to get to my
recitation anymore. I used to take
the elevator because I really don’t
understand how the stairs work. I
mean I have to go down to get to
the first floor? Who knew?” he
said.
“I accidentally walked into an
upper level geology course the
other day,” said senior Phil Lite,
“I didn’t even know they made
those!”
The class has no prerequisites
and will start with the basic con-
cepts of how an elevator works.
Throughout the course, students
will gain real life experience by
fixing the elevator every time it
breaks. On rare weeks when the
elevator is working, students will
Evelyn Yarzebinski/Photographer
take field trips to elevators around
campus, including the Cathedral of
Learning and various dorms. The
final exam is expected to be a com-
plete repair of the SRCC elevator
within a 24 hour period.
“I’m excited to be the hero of
the department,” junior geology
major Peri Dotite said of taking
the class. “Plus, I am excited to
have the option of not taking the
stairs if I am feeling lazy.”
Other departments have consid-
ered offering similar classes. The
English department is considering
offering a similar class that would
focus on the elevators in the Cathe-
dral of Learning if this class is a
success.
“The cathedral elevators shake!”
English grad student Jack
Dawkins said. “I fear for my life
every time I use it, but the stairs
are still a worse option.”
Classic UPTV show to return
By: Rachel Harris
Staff Writer
It ain’t Litchfield Towers, and it
certainly ain’t Schenley Quad. It’s
not Sutherland either.
That’s right, you guessed it.
Lothrop What What, the Univer-
sity of Pittsburgh’s most under-
rated TV show about its most un-
derrated residence hall, will be
returning next year for another
season of shenanigans. University
of Pittsburgh Television, or UPTV,
recently announced plans to re-
vamp the show and put it on the
air once more.
“Lothrop What What was a tele-
vision classic that inspired dozens
of people, who lived in Lothrop at
the time, to think they were really
cool,” said Drew Snyder, UPTV
President. “We just wanted to
bring back some of the magic.”
Each episode of the original
show was jam-packed with drama,
intrigue, high culture, hilarity, and
March 30-April 3
2009
The Political Science depart-
ment would like to offer a class
that would also cover escalator
repair. Due to the additional com-
ponents of the class, an escalator
repair class would not be available
until 2012 or later.
Overall student response for
these classes has been positive.
“I think this will allow us to get
stuff done on campus,” says stu-
dent Ann Monite. “We can’t al-
ways wait for the university to
notice that something is broken
while we are being inconvenienced.
We would be waiting forever.”
Students who could not get into
the new class can find support in
the “Some day I WILL get stuck
in the SRCC elevator” Facebook
group or at the university’s coun-
seling center.
awesome jams, as well as, of
course, the iconic Lothrop Hall
itself. Superb acting mixed with
thoughtful, witty writing created
the ideal mix of entertainment and
thought-provoking philosophy.
“It’s hard to improve on perfec-
tion, but we’re going to try,” Sny-
der said.
The theme song, he said, had to
stay.
“It’s so catchy and bad-ass, per-
fect for the show,” said sophomore
Elise Tung, a current Lothrop resi-
dent. “Lothrop for life!”
Another vital aspect of the show
that the members of UPTV in-
sisted on keeping was the “L”-
shaped hand signs that signaled an
alliance between Lothrop residents.
Students who live in Lothrop fre-
quently show each other this sign
as a salute and as a demonstration
of solidarity.
“It also stands for love, which
we all have for our underrated
dorm,” said Martin Farris, Pitt
Lothrop, The other side (durr)
2 The Pittiful News—http://www.pittifulnews.webs.com/— PittifulNews@gmail.com
“Lothrop What What”
makes return to TV
Lothrop, Page 1
at http://www.pitt.edu/~sorc/uptv/ for
the next plot twist that will form the
subsequent episode.
“It will give the show a new, interac-
tive feel. We want our audience to be
more directly involved,” said Business
Manager Lewis Lehe.
“This is really going to be the stu-
dents’ show,” said Snyder. “Whatever
they say goes. If they want to see home-
less bums playing Red Rover in the
hallways of Lothrop, then that’s ex-
actly what they’re going to see.”
The new and improved Lothrop What
What will air continuously on Channel
21, available in all residence halls. A
date for the premiere has not been set.
Pittiful News
Meeting Times
Wednesdays 8-9,
Bouquet Gardens D
Call 412-735-1040 for access
Distribution Times
Fridays, 2-3 and 5-6
Towers Lobby
Saturdays, 9pm-2am
Nordy’s Place, WPU
Or download this and
previous issues @
www.pittifulnews.webs.com
Pittiful Police Blotter
Wednesday, April 1
7:34 a.m.—The police responded to
phone calls detailing rapes, murders,
jaywalks, thefts, porches, loitering, and
suspicious activity across campus.
Every response was greeted with the
caller saying “April Fool’s!” These inci-
dents repeated throughout the day.
4:56 p.m.—The police were not amused.
Jess Edelstein Becky Kerner
Rachel Harris John Mooney
Caitlin Kempf Brigid Mulholland
E-mail us at PittifulNews@gmail.com. Please, we haven’t heard from you in so long, you never write...
FAG-F.A.Q.: Gay Advice from a Gay Guy
Catholic’s sex ideals don’t match with the Pope’s
By: Sia Layda (yeah, I’m a freshman), I’ve this argument one of my dear
Columnist found it more and more difficult to Christian friends once taught
abide by the word of God, particu- me: In the Bible, it says that
Hello, dearest readers! I’m larly in one area: I’ve started to God created you just the way
sorry I’ve been gone so long, but realize that I think I might possi- you are. If he hated homosexu-
when you get involved with Boy bly be somewhat attracted to other ality so much, why would he
George, you just can’t help stay- men. How do I deal with it? have made you one? Or this
ing. -Confused Catholic argument, which I heard from a
No, I mean it. He will chain slightly more sarcastic friend: In
you up. Well, CC, the Bible, it says that God cre-
Anyway, I’ve got a reader- I’m sorry to break this to you, ated man in his image. He must
submitted question for all y’all but you’ll probably be screwed have been bisexual!
bitches! up for life. It’s tough to realize Hope this helps!
that what you are completely Love&kisses,
Dear Knowledgeable Queen, contradicts the dogma you’ve Sia
I grew up in a very Catholic envi- been taught for your entire life.
ronment – Catholic parents, But look at it this way: your Well, that was slightly longer
grandparents, etc., I went to sexuality is something that can’t than I had intended it to be. I
Catholic school for all of my edu- be helped. You didn’t choose it, meant to leave it after just the
cation, and I try to live my life and you certainly wouldn’t bring first line. I guess I’m getting
according to the Bible. However, this intense emotional pain onto
since coming to Pitt this past fall yourself on purpose. Consider
soft in my old age. Oh well. See
you all next week!
Letter to the Editor
To the editor:
In the 9th issue of volume 1, the report on pigeon extinction was incomplete. I found the article for
“pgieons” and was immediately confused, so much that I almost stabbed Rachel Harris [who was distribut-
ing the paper at the time] for such an injustice (just ask her).
This confusion kept me up all night and forced me to contract Tourette’s syndrome. I demand that
this injustice be cleared up!
-A really confused Freshman now with Tourettes
Letters from the Editor
First off, I would like to say any comics over the coming ble wrong.
that this paper does have mis- issues. You see, Ms. Mooharris That said, I would like to urge
takes. And I wasn’t too con- was planning on attending an on that everyone take an active role
cerned about them. But, I care -campus event this Friday, in government. With a “No-
for my distributors and writers, known as the “Hodgepodge Band-Cancellation Bill” on the
and so, when their lives are put Hangout”, located in the base- floor of the Senate even as we
at stake (as mentioned in the ment of the William Pitt Union. speak, we should all be writing
above letter), I feel the need to It involves Feel Good grilled letters to our Congressmen, so
actually give a crap. So, I hope cheese, Oakland Teahouse tea, that they are aware of the hor-
that all readers know that the Free the Planet...planet. You rors that are in the real world.
last issue will be the last in know, fun stuff. However, sev- Pages 3 and 4 of this issue have
which there are any spelling and eral bands were forced to cancel, been completely omitted, to
grammar erors. and, as a result, Ms. Mooharris remind us of the long, empty
Secondly, it is with sad regret has stated that she is going on a space left by Moorachel’s de-
that I inform you that our resi- strike. No more of her comics parted comic.
dent comic artist, Moorachel will be seen in print, unless the
Mooharris, will not be presenting world decides to right this horri- Jake Swanson (Editor-in-Chief)
PitTiful News STAFF
Editor-in-Chief: Jake Swanson
Greg Norcie Julie Rozen Eileen Tong
Phil Papa Matt Russak Kevin Wielgus
Diana Ren David Smeresky Evelyn Yarzebinski