How To Date A

Latino Man

Table of Contents
Foreword.
Part One: Understanding Latino Men
Chapter One: What is Latino?.............................................................
Chapter Two: Why Date Latino Men? ...
Chapter Three: Latino Culture and Its Influence on the United States
Chapter Four: A Culture in Turmoil: A Brief History of
Latinos in North America.............
Chapter Five: Stereotypes and the Truth Behind Them
Chapter Six: Cultural Expectations What Latino Men Look For
Chapter Seven: How Latino Men Grow Up..
Chapter Eight: Women in Latino Culture.

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Part Two: Dating Latino Men

Chapter One: The Trials of Interracial Dating.
Chapter Two: Dealing With Your Families.
Chapter Three: Meeting His Family Family Dynamics in Latino
Culture.
Chapter Four: But I'm Not Catholic! How Religion Affects Dating..
Chapter Five: Intimate Relationships Will Your Love Life Sizzle?...
Chapter Six: Cultural Norms and How They Affect Your Relationship..

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Part Three: Putting It Into Practice

Chapter One: Where to Meet Latino Men
Chapter Two: How to Attract Latino Men
Chapter Three: Being Yourself..
Chapter Four: Understanding Your Motives..
Chapter Five: Maintaining a Relationship.
Chapter Six: Latino Men and Marriage.
Chapter Seven: The Latino Experience.

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Foreword
If you're reading this introduction, you probably already know some of the reasons
women find themselves attracted to Latino men. There's a personal element, of course,
but women tend to cite the same reasons: a mysterious air, a reputation as chivalrous
gentlemen, or passionate lovers.
But how much do you really know about Latino men: their history, their background, and
their culture? Enough that when you find yourself dating one, you'll be able to
understand where he's coming from, his cultural perspective? Or is it possible that you're
planning to date a stereotype a man who embodies everything positive about Latino
culture but doesn't come with any opinions or hang-ups of his own?
Whichever the case, it never hurts to learn a little bit more! It's only through
understanding Latino culture that you can ever hope to have a serious relationship with a
Latino man. After all, culture and background are such a huge influence on us, such a
big part of who we are that they can't even really be separated from us.
So if you're interested in a relationship with a Latino man, read on and learn about every
aspect of Latino culture and, more importantly to you, how it affects a Latino's
relationships, romance, and lifestyle!

Chapter One: What Is Latino?

The word "Latino" conjures up many images for different people. In the United States,
the word's official meaning refers to people of Cuban, Mexican, Puerto Rican, South
American, Central American, or other Spanish cultures or origins. It does not necessarily
refer to a specific race as a term like "African American" generally does. You can have
individuals of any race and color who identify themselves as Latino.
As an interesting side note, the American definition of "Latino" (adopted in 1997) does
not include Brazilian Americans or those of Brazilian heritage. Since being Latino does
not actually refer to a specific race or country, though, many Brazilian Americans
identify themselves as Latinos, and Latino culture generally includes Brazilian
influences.
Latino is sometimes used as a synonym for Hispanic, which is a somewhat misleading
term. In fact, some people reject the word "Latino" altogether, disliking how it lumps
indigenous Latin Americans together with Spanish settlers and conquerors. For our
purposes, however, Latino refers to the Latin American culture: individuals who come
from Spanish, Central, and Southern American backgrounds.
Why Define Latino?
When we talk about Latino men, we're talking about men who come from a certain
background and culture. As a woman from a different cultural background, whether
mainstream American or one of the many different cultural groups that compose popular
American culture, it's essential that you understand that background if you enter into a
romantic relationship with a Latino man.
In any relationship, a person's background becomes a major player, almost like a third
party in the romance. You bring certain ideas and points of view to your relationships,
whether romantic or friendly: thoughts, religions, views, and social conventions you've
grown up with and see as "normal." It's important to understand, though, that other
people come from different backgrounds, and what's normal to you might be unusual or
even alien to them and vice versa.
This isn't to say that a relationship with someone of another culture will never work. On
the contrary, there are many very successful relationships between people of different
backgrounds. But in order for any relationship to succeed, both parties have to understand
each other. This book is your introduction to the world Latino men come from: their
culture, understandings, and customs. Once you understand those, you have a head start
on bringing any relationship to a success!

Chapter Two: Why Date Latino Men?

At the turn of the century, Latinos became the biggest minority in the United States.
There are more than 35 million Latinos living in the U.S.A., and Spanish is the single
most popular foreign language in schools and universities. Latin culture has appeared
everywhere, in music, television, and movies. Universities have begun offering courses in
Latin American art, culture, and history, and public officials are encouraged to learn
Spanish, sometimes even offered financial incentives for taking classes.
Latin culture has also become far more mainstreamed in the United States. Famous
personalities such as Jennifer Lopez, Shakira, and Benicio del Toro are all Latino, and
they reflect that cultural background in their art. Children's television shows have made
increased efforts to have Latino presences in their roster, and most contemporary culture
crosses the Latino boundaries at some point.
What does all this mean? Well, with so many people of Latin origins around, it becomes
more and more likely that you'll wind up dating one. Because the Latino population
underwent a significant explosion over the last decade, there are a huge number of single
Latino men in their late twenties and early thirties: in other words, there are a lot of
dateable men of Latino origin.
There are other reasons that women are attracted to Latino men too, of course. Some of
them are reasonable, others are based on stereotypes. But whatever your reasoning, there
are many reasons to focus on dating Latino men.
1. Physical attraction
Whether we deny it or not, many women are attracted to a certain physique, body type, or
appearance. For many women, that may be Latino men. There is nothing wrong with this,
any more than there's something wrong with being partial to men with a beard or with
blonde hair. Of course, it does become a problem if we allow it to become an obsession:
to block out all possibilities and become a sort of stereotype where we think that only
Latino men can possibly attract us.
In some cases, though, women are made to feel that it's racist or stereotypical to find
Latino features or coloring attractive. This is completely ridiculous. You should feel free
to be attracted to whomever you like!
2. Availability
As we've already stated, there is an overwhelming population of Latinos in the United
States today. With many racial prejudices falling by the wayside, it becomes more likely
that you'll meet and be attracted to someone from a different culture. Whereas fifty years
ago this might have been taboo, these days it's really nothing to get excited about.

With that in mind, the very fact that so many Latino men are available for dating can be a
compelling factor for many women.
3. Cultural similarities
For some women, Latino culture exerts a powerful influence. Even if you're not of a
Latino background, you might strongly enjoy Latino music, art, or dance. If that's the
case, you're probably in frequent contact with members of the Latino community, making
it more likely for you to meet Latino men. In addition, you'll probably have a lot in
common with men from a Latino background.
4. Utter coincidence
Again, issues of race are less important these days, which means it's entirely possible that
you might find yourself falling for a Latino man not because you've decided to pursue
him but simply because you enjoy one another's company and share similar interests. If
that's the case, you're coming from a slightly different place in approaching this book
looking for ways to understand a man you're with rather than ways to approach dating
Latinos. Fortunately, there will be plenty of information to help you, too!
Latino Men and Stereotypes
Unfortunately, there are less healthy reasons women want to date Latino men, most of
them revolving around stereotypes. Sometimes, media and cultural perception encourage
women to see Latino men as:

Stronger than others

More passionate
Sexual
Masculine
Protective

And a variety of other stereotypes. That isn't to say that no Latino men fit that mold, only
that if it's where you're coming from as a primary basis, you're probably going to be
disappointed. We'll address stereotypes in more detail later on, but for now you should
just realize that stereotypes are poor foundations for any relationship.
Whatever your reasons, Latino men come from very different cultural backgrounds than
many American women. Before you even consider dating someone of Latino
background, it's extremely helpful to understand a little bit about the subtleties and
differences of Latino culture.

Chapter Three: Latino Culture and Its Influence on the United

States
Chances are you know of at least one Latino performer. Just a few of the more famous
ones include:

Jennifer Lopez
Shakira
Enrique Inglesias
Ricky Martin

It's become very common to see Latino faces on television and in music videos. But there
has always been a strong Latino presence in the United States, even if Latinos haven't
always been the dominant minority.
Once you become familiar with Latino culture, it becomes easier and easier to spot
Latino influences in your daily life. You'll be amazed at how significantly Latinos have
influenced modern American culture and life!
Sports
When we first think of Latino influences on the United States, sports probably aren't the
first thing that comes to mind. But Latinos have had a massive influence on the world of
sports. For one thing, Latin America more or less single-handedly popularized the sport
of soccer (called football everywhere but North America!). Even to this day, most people
recognize the name Pele.
Latinos have also had a significant influence on the sport of baseball. A quarter of major
league ball players come from Latin countries. Baseball legend Roberto Clemente,
selected twelve times as an all-star, was from Puerto Rico, and to this day many of the
most famous ball players are Latino.
Music
Music is probably the area where the Latino influence echoes most strongly. Brazilian
dance, samba, mambos, and tango are all familiar words. We listen to J-Lo on the radio
and watch tango on Dancing With the Stars. Latin rhythms are common sounds, and we
all recognize the flashy costumes and bright colors associated with various Latin
American dances.
As world borders shrink, we also become familiar with cultural markers and holidays,
such as Carnivale or the Mexican Hat Dance. The more you think about it, the more you
actually know about or have even participated in Latino culture!

Politics
Although the majority of politicians are still white males, Latinos have held important
positions in all levels of government. Furthermore, the Latin community has had a
profound influence on politics simply through population density. As Latino populations
soar, more and more politicians find themselves coming from areas heavy in Latino
individuals or with many concerns specific to the Latino community. In other words,
politicians who hope for a Latino vote have been forced to acknowledge and learn about
Latino cultural concerns.
Like many minorities, Latinos are sometimes associated with less affluent or even
poverty-stricken areas. While this is a stereotype, it's true that minorities don't tend to fare
as well in American culture. Ironically, this means that the increased political focus on
Latino concerns has been beneficial to many Americans living in poverty as politicians
narrow their focus to impoverished minorities.
Literature and Magazines
You know something's an influential aspect of modern culture when it starts showing up
in magazines! Publishers will leap at anything people are willing to pay for, and
advertisers love a captive audience. Magazines like Latina cater to a specifically Latin
population, and Latino literature focuses more and more on the Latin American
experience of life.
In fact, reading books by Latin authors such as Isabel Allende, Ana Castillo, Veronica
Chambers, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, or Art Rodriguez can give you greater insight into
the experiences of Latin people.
Why Does This Matter?
In order to understand Latino culture, you have to be familiar with its expression in
popular culture. The more you realize the prevalence of Latin elements in the modern
United States, the more you'll begin to perceive Latin culture as a balanced, integrated
part of the American lifestyle not as something foreign or strange, but as something
you're already far more familiar with than you realize!
Of course, there's a danger there too: that people might begin to think they understand
Latin culture completely from what they've seen in popular culture. That's like thinking
you can understand the entire Japanese experience of World War II from watching
Memoirs of a Geisha. Latin culture has a long, tangled history in the United States, and
it's essential that you understand that background before you try to understand modern
Latino culture.

Chapter Four: A Culture in Turmoil A Brief History of

Latinos in America
History defines a culture, and the Latino culture is no different. Theirs is a twisted story
of stereotypes, racism, prejudices, and hardship, but in recent years and more and more
Latinos have taken ownership of this story, using it to rebuild their lives and cultures. A
basic understanding of the Latin experience in the United States is essential to
understanding contemporary culture.
Long, Long Ago
The Latin American community has actually been in the United States for longer,
historically speaking, than any other cultural group except Native Americans. In fact, the
first European we know to have landed on the continental U.S. was a Spanish man named
Juan Ponce de Leon. In 1565, the Spanish created the first settlement in what would
become the United States.
American history books have always turned a blind eye to the permanency and influence
of Latin culture in the United States, a trend only now beginning to remedy itself.
However, to this date most Americans don't realize how recently the vast majority of the
United States was under Spanish control: when the American Revolutionary War ended
in 1783, Spain still had claim to more than half of American territory.
Over the next century or so, war and politics resulted in a restructuring of power and
territory, and Spain and Mexico relinquished their control over much of the United
States. Still, the fact remains and is ignored by many that most of America's European
history is rooted in Spanish, not English, Europe.
You Say You Want a Revolution?
In the early twentieth century, Latin Americans in the United States faced incredible
discrimination, including segregated schools, denial of the right to vote, and occasional
violent incidents designed to drive them out of local communities.
When the depression hit, things got even worse: many people saw Latin American
immigrants as drains on an already depressed economy. The American government
sponsored a so-called "voluntary" relocation program to return immigrants to Mexico, but
although official records are sketchy, it's widely accepted that hundreds of thousands of
Latin Americans were deported against their will. Ironically enough, during the second
world war the American government turned around and imported Mexican laborers, who
they employed, basically, as slaves.
Following the second world war, many Spanish speaking Latinos emigrated to the United
States, where they faced intense and sometimes brutal discrimination. Farmers felt free to
work foreigners near to death for a pittance, and Mexican and other Latino efforts to form

unions and trade groups went largely unnoticed or, if they were noticed, it wasn't in a
positive way.
With the 1960s, though, came the civil rights movement, a concept that rapidly spread to
the Latino community. In 1961, the first Latino man was elected to congress, but that
didn't mark an end to racism. The Chicano Movement, founded in the 1940s, became
extremely active at this time, focusing heavily on the rights of immigrants.
The Chicano Movements also spoke for a new generation of Latin Americans
individuals of Latino (primarily Mexican) backgrounds born in the United States, and
therefore shunned on both sides of the border as neither American nor Mexican enough.
The movement encouraged students to critically analyze what they were being taught,
leading to high school student walkouts protesting the lack of quality education for
Hispanic students.
Prejudice in Popular Culture
Movies, television, and books now commonly feature Latino characters, although often in
stereotypical lights. Fortunately, that does tend to be changing, and Hollywood now
features many Latino actors who proudly proclaim their heritage and play roles other than
Latin stereotypes. For example, actors like John Leguiziamo and Antonio Banderas
frequently play various roles not requiring actors of any specific cultural or racial
background.
There are still, though, actors who feel the need to disguise their Latino heritage. One of
the most famous of these is undoubtedly Rita Hayworth, the famous golden age actress
originally born Margarita Cansino. Hayworth actually underwent numerous "treatments"
to appear less Latin. These days, actors don't have to go to such lengths to disguise their
heritage, but some still feel the pressure to appear more Anglicized such as Ramon
Estevez, better known as Martin Sheen.
As always, though, Latino individuals celebrities or otherwise face pressure from
their own people, not just the mainstream community. In a famous case, actress Jessica
Alba, who claims a "Latinadad" (her father is a Mexican American), commented on how
she faced prejudice because she didn't speak Spanish.
Alba has a somewhat Latino appearance, which perhaps explains why people come down
on her for not being more "in touch" with her cultural roots while completely ignoring the
fact that fellow actress Cameron Diaz, who has a Cuban father but also blonde hair and
blue eyes, is in the exact same boat. This is a distinction who Alba (who has actually
been turned down for roles because she doesn't speak Spanish) finds frustrating and
contradictory.

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Chapter Five: Stereotypes and the Truth Behind Them

Obviously, racial prejudice still exists, and stereotypes of Latinos and their culture
abound. However, with the civil rights movement and a new social atmosphere, Latinos
are finding it easier to be accepted among mainstream American culture.
The main problem Latinos face in today's culture? Stereotypes. And if you're hoping to
understand Latino culture, perhaps even date Latino men, you should be aware of these
prejudices in yourself and others avoid perpetuating them and, at all costs, falling prey
to them.
What Shapes Stereotypes?
Our images of various cultures and peoples are formed from a variety of sources. Just a
few of these include:

Our parents
Our friends and family
Where we live
Local media (news coverage, newspapers, etc)
Popular culture (music, art, etc.)

It's amazing how significant these factors are in forming our opinions of others. For those
of us who don't know a lot of Latino people personally, our impression of Latin
Americans comes almost entirely from what we see on television. In fact, almost
everything we know in modern society comes through the local media. Obviously, how
they choose to present a culture has a massive impact on how we perceive them.
That's why it's so disturbing that the media tends to put an extremely negative spin on any
stories involving Latino individuals. Two members of the National Association of
Hispanic Journalists made some disturbing discoveries in a 2003 study:

Even though Latinos make up over 13% of the American population, they appear
in less than 1% of network news stories.

When Latinos do appear in network news stories, 66% of the stories are about
crime, terrorism, or illegal immigration

In 2001, 18% of all stories airing about Latinos involved the arrest of suspected
terrorist Jose Padilla

When you compare the statistics, the number of Latinos committing crimes and
the number of news stories about Latinos committing crimes were grossly
exaggerated in 2002 news coverage

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Aside from crime, the main focus in newscasts involving Latinos was illegal
immigration

As a result, anyone whose image of Latinos comes primarily from the network news will
have a badly distorted view of Latino culture, seeing all Latinos as criminals, illegal
immigrants, and terrorists.
Other Common Stereotypes
In the 1995 movie The Perez Family, producers insisted that the main actress, Marisa
Tomei, gain eighteen pounds and use a dark tanning solution to make her appear "more
Hispanic." That movie went on to earn the dubious honor of topping Hispanic magazine's
list of the worst movies portraying realistic views of Hispanics that year.
The heavyset, loudmouthed, dark skinned Latin image is a complete stereotype
(remember Cameron Diaz? Definitely not what you think of when you picture someone
of Cuban heritage, and yet she would definitely be considered Latina). There are other
stereotypes common outside the criminal image perpetuated by the network media:
1. Maids and Gardeners
There is a strange stereotype that Latinos are only good enough to work as maids and
gardeners, a stereotype created in the early twentieth century but still getting plenty of
mileage in the twenty first. Even though Latin American actors try to be sensitive to these
issues and seek out more liberating roles, the stereotype persists such as in the box
office flop Maid in Manhattan, where Jennifer Lopez plays a maid opposite Ralph
Fiennes.
2. Substance abuse
In the early years of Hollywood, Hispanic men were almost always portrayed as drunks.
Nowadays, we've moved beyond the evils of alcohol and focus on much more disturbing
substances. Media outlets, movies, and television are all guilty of portraying Latin
Americans as drug addicts, pushers, and gang members. After the illegal immigration
stories, those involving drug use are probably second in frequency where Latinos are
concerned.
3. Wily seductress
In the old days in Hollywood, Latina women were almost always cast as the seductress
opposite a white male (who, inevitably, they would fall for). The idea seemed to be that
Latina women were sexually charged, enigmatic, and mysterious, exerting a certain
amount of allure over the more straight-laced white male. Latino men, on the other hand,
represented a similar ideal for white women, and in films they usually aspired to claim a
white woman's hand.

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4. The brute
Romance novels and movies have idealized the idea of the controlling, powerful Latino
man. The idea plays on the same theory as the wily seductress: that women, like men, are
interested in a slightly mysterious, powerful encounter. These types of stories tend to play
up the Latino man's possessiveness and jealousy, creating a strong, dominant stereotype
in other words, a fantasy figure.
Combating Stereotypes
If you're reading this book, it's safe to assume that you're already moving beyond these
stereotypes that you don't regard Latino men as simply drug dealers and terrorists.
Congratulations: in a world so strongly influenced by the media, that's a major
accomplishment!
It can be incredibly difficult to resist stereotypes when they're flying at you from all
directions, though, so here are some things you can do to help yourself and others
maintain an open mind:

Question what you see and hear. Just because the media claims something
happened doesn't mean that's the way it went down. Form your own opinions
rather than letting newscasts form them for you.

Pay attention to theatrical devices (close ups, music, lighting) used in movies and,
unfortunately, newscasts to demonize certain characters.

Counter stereotypes when you hear them: have the courage to speak out against
racism.

Learn as much as you can about Latino culture.

And, most importantly of all

Get to know Latinos, whether you're dating them or not. The best counter for
stereotypes and negative media is always going to be real experience. When you
have friends and co-workers of Latino background, it's much easier to see slanted
and skewed newscasts for what they are.

Obviously, you can't base a relationship on stereotypes not if you want it to be a

success! The first step in dating a Latino man, not to mention creating a more open,
friendly version of yourself, is rejecting common stereotypes and embracing each person
as an individual.

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Chapter Six: Cultural Expectations What Latino Men Look

For
When we talk about what Latino men look for in a woman, it's important to remember
that this is a generalization based on Latino culture. A person's family and cultural
background will have a significant influence on the kind of person they're attracted to. At
the same time, though, Latino men are like any others, and they have individual types and
personalities they find compelling.
Having said that, the Latino culture does give rise to certain expectations about what kind
of woman a man should date.
General Expectations
There are some expectations common to most men, not just Latinos. In any situation,
remember that the most important rule is to be yourself. You should never try to change
who you are just to meet someone else's expectations. Why, then, do we bother talking
about "what men want" or "what men look for?"
Well, because it can help you understand how you come across to others. It can help you
feel more confident by knowing what part of your personality to put forward. It can help
you understand your partner (or potential date) more completely. In fact, there are many
reasons that it's helpful to understand men's expectations, only a few of which have to do
with "impressing" or "snaring" a man.
When men first meet a woman, they notice:

Physical appearance
Let's face it; what you look like matters. It matters to you, doesn't it? Physical
attraction goes both ways. That doesn't mean you have to be a beauty queen or
rush out to get implants, only that you should try to look your best: keep in shape,
dress well, and be confident in who you are.

Confidence
Sure, men like to know they're important to your well-being, but they also want to
know that you have a life of your own. It's terrifying for a man to think your
entire psychological health rests on his shoulders, and frustrating for him to
constantly reassure you. Avoid the "do I look fat?" thing at all costs.

A lack of pressure
That doesn't mean you have to sit back and play dumb until he moves the
relationship to a new level, but nobody enjoys having their every move, feeling, or

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casual remark analyzed to death. Be reasonable: if, after a month of dating, he's
not ready to move in with you, that's a fairly understandable thing. If after two
years he's still humming and hawing, it might be time to bail out.
What Latino Men Look For
In addition to these general expectations, there are certain things that will instantly endear
you to the heart of any Latino man! Remember, Latino men are raised in large, outgoing
families, and they typically have loads of female relatives (mothers, aunts, sisters, and
cousins) to compare you to. Since Latino men are usually very close to their families, that
might mean you have some big shoes to fill!

Someone who lets him make the first move.

Latino men are used to being somewhat sexually aggressive. They're bound to
like it if you send them flirtatious signals, but they'll like it even better if they can
feel like the man's man as they stride across the room to meet you. Usually,
Latino men prefer to be the one to call you, too.

Someone who is flirtatious and sexy without being trampy.

We stereotypically think of Latino men as being highly sexual, and there's some
truth to that. Certainly, Latino men are extremely attracted to women who have an
air of seductiveness about them. They enjoy touching and will appreciate gentle
finger brushes: a tap on the shoulder, squeezing their arm, leaning in close. What
they will not appreciate is someone who's clearly trying to get them into bed as
quickly as possible: Latino men enjoy sex and love sexy women, but that doesn't
mean they're searching for a tramp.

Someone who is on his side.

Latina women are passionately on the side of their men. A Latino man has
probably grown up with his mother, sisters, and other female relatives supporting
him fiercely to the exclusion of all others. He will expect the same from you.
When he tells you about something happening at work, he's usually looking for
you to back him up, not give him advice.

Someone who will take care of him.

In Latino culture, the women typically do everything for their men. He may
expect you to cook and clean traditional "woman's work" on his behalf. If you
tell him to do something himself, he will not only be surprised but possibly
offended!

15

Someone who is passionate about life.

Latino men live their lives with passion, and they'll expect the same from you.
They are friendly, outgoing, and love to have fun, and if you're often depressed or
moody, you'll probably have trouble in your relationship.

Someone who loves family.

Family is incredibly important to Latino men. They grow up with large families
all around them probably a lot of siblings as well as extended family and
they're used to a loud, boisterous, and very close-knit family group. If you don't
want children, you probably shouldn't marry a Latino man. He'll also expect you
to get along with his family, especially his mother. Go out of your way to be
open, friendly, and relaxed with his family members.
What Not To Do

Of course we want to focus on positives: what Latino men do want, and what you can do
to attract them. But there are some types of women that no Latino man will want to be
anywhere near, so if you recognize yourself in any of these types, it's time to step back
and take a serious look at what you want and how you go about getting it.
If this sounds cold, think about your own criteria for dating. Aren't there "deal-breakers,"
or things that men do you just won't put up with? And if so, isn't it fair for men to have
the same thing?

Someone who makes them feel foolish or stupid.

It's great if you're smart, and no one expects you to dumb yourself down. But you
don't have to show off your intelligence at the expense of everyone else, do you?
This isn't just where Latino men are concerned; it's plain old good advice: no
matter how smart you are, the last thing you want to do is shove it in everyone
else's face.

Someone who will use them.

Latino men are chivalrous, and chances are they'll want to do things for you and
pick up the tab most of the time. But no one wants a gold-digger, so you have to
be careful that you're not coming across as greedy. It's a good move to at least
offer to pick up part of the bill, and try not to let the first words out of your mouth
be, "So, how much money do you make?" Some people interpret it the same way
if you ask what they do for a living maybe leave that for a later conversation, or
let him bring it up first.

16

The same applies to women who date Latino men just for the experience, or
because they have it in their heads that "Latinos are sexy," or while they're on the
rebound. Nobody wants to be used, and Latino men are no exception.

Someone who always has to be right.

Latino men love to help out and offer advice. You don't have to take that advice,
but you do have to treat it with a modicum of respect. After all, no one likes to
have their well-meant advice thrown back in their face with a volley of insults to
bulk it up. Understand, too, that Latino men are used to women deferring to them,
so they may not be used to a lot of argument.

Someone who is judgmental.

If you're going to judge him, his family, or his culture, the last thing he'll want is
to hang around with you. Always remember that Latino men are very close to
their families: he might make jokes about his little sister, but that doesn't mean
you're free to do the same. The same applies to other aspects of his culture: if you
disparage the Roman Catholic Church, for instance, expect him to show you the
door.

Someone who won't give them their freedom.

Latino men love women, and they love life. They enjoy flirting and are often quite
physically demonstrative with their friends. For Western women, that can
sometimes lead to jealousy because he seems so interested in other people. Latino
men won't take kindly to efforts to curtail this behavior, though. They're not
cheating on you: they just love life and are used to showing their affection. If you
try to control or limit your Latino man, chances are he won't be yours for much
longer.

When we talk about expectations, it's easy to get confused: we either think we should
remodel our lives to meet these standards or that we shouldn't have to live up to any
standards at all. But when you think about it in terms of cultural differences what
attracts a Latino man based on his background and what he's used to it all makes more
sense.
Keep in mind, too, that you have your own expectations. If a Latino man doesn't meet
them, that's just as important as if you don't meet his. This isn't a one-way street, and you
shouldn't feel like you don't measure up. At the same time, though, you absolutely have
to be understanding of cultural differences between you.

17

Chapter Seven: How Latino Men Grow Up

Psychologists agree that your childhood is the most profound factor in deciding who you
will be and how you will live in your adult years. While you're developing, you accept
what your parents or family do as "normal," and it becomes the standard by which you
judge everything else even if in later years, you make a conscious effort to move away
from those preconceptions!
Think back to your own childhood. Whether you're still close to your family or you've
put some distance between yourself and your past, you can probably remember a number
of pivotal events that occurred in your childhood moments where you realized things
that would change your life. No matter how hard anyone tries to fight it, your childhood
will always have a profound effect on who you are if not consciously, then
subconsciously.
Since Latino men grow up very differently from Western men (or, for that matter,
women), it's helpful to understand a bit about how their culture shapes them.
Factors Influencing Latino Men
Latinos come from a shared cultural background. You'll find differences between
families, racial backgrounds, and individuals, but there are certain cultural perspectives
that linger in most Latino men.
1. Roman Catholicism
Most Latino men are raised in the Roman Catholic Church. So what, you may
think -- so are many Americans, a large percentage of whom are non-practicing.
The difference is that most Latinos are practicing Catholics. Don't get scared: that
doesn't necessarily mean they oppose birth control or cling to every single church
teaching. But it often means that they go to church, celebrate Catholic holidays,
and observe seasons such as Lent or Advent.
It also means that they probably expect to raise their children in the church, and
may expect you to go with them. Certainly their families will look more kindly on
you if you're a churchgoer. If you're not prepared to become Catholic yourself,
make sure you're comfortable with the idea of raising your children in the church.
2. Close Ties
Almost all Latino men come from tight-knit families. You may initially feel like
his family is in your face: his sisters might expect you to go out with them, his
mother may call you when her son feels sick, or his cousins might make
comments or ask questions that seem overly personal.

18

What you have to understand is that all of these things are his family's way of
bringing you into their circle. Latino families are very close: they celebrate
holidays together, gather for random events, and share a strong family bond. He is
probably extremely protective of his family and will not take kindly to any slurs
on them.
3. Spanish speaking
It's entirely possible that your Latino love interest doesn't speak a word of
Spanish, but it's equally possible that, at least at home, he doesn't speak anything
else. In fact, Spanish may very well be his first language, even if he was born and
raised in the United States.
If the big family is disconcerting at first, imagine them letting loose with a flood
of Spanish while you stand by not understanding a word! It's unlikely that he will
expect you to speak Spanish, but it never hurts to learn a few words to take an
interest in his culture. And he may very well want his children to grow up
bilingual, if only to make it easier for them to fit into the Latino community.
4. Taken care of
We've already discussed, and we will again, how Latina women tend to cater to
their men's needs. That's because it's such an ingrained part of Latino culture.
Their mothers, sisters, aunts, and grandmas have been taking care of them from a
very young age. Growing up with that sort of background means that they see it as
normal for women to do the housework, care for the children, and care for their
men even if they work outside the home, too!
Understanding Culture Through the Family
As we know, it's much easier to understand a culture when you understand its family life.
The life of a child forms so many of their adult expectations and behaviors that it's almost
impossible to predict how someone will behave without knowing a little bit about their
childhood!
Depending on the culture you've grown up in, your perception of life and your ideas may
be very, very different from a Latino man's. A basic understanding of Latino life and
culture can help you grasp some of the behaviors that might seem strange or unusual to
you at first. As you grow in your appreciation of Latino culture, these behaviors will
seem less and less odd in fact, they will become downright normal!

19

Chapter Eight: Women in Latino Culture

Have you ever heard the word machismo? In English, we've adapted this word and used it
to describe, somewhat disparagingly, typically "male" behavior: sauntering around,
acting bold, brimming with testosterone. In fact, the word "macho" comes from this
source.
But machismo is actually a Spanish word used to describe the male ideal: someone who
is strong, unafraid, and protective, the authority figure in his family. The female
equivalent, which you'll rarely hear tossed around in common conversation, is
marianismo, a woman who is responsible for her family, for her children, and for
overseeing her household.
The two words, the two ideals, should give you a pretty clear idea of what you're going to
find when you delve into Latino culture. Depending on who you ask, Latino perceptions
of women range from rampantly sexist to chivalrous and respectful.
The Ideal Marianismo
Before discussing the role of women in Latino culture, it's important to note that just
because a role is traditionally held doesn't mean every woman holds it. In other words,
growing up in a different culture, the necessity of dual incomes, or the personalities of the
married couple can make a huge difference in traditional gender roles.
However, while many people in contemporary American society have abandoned the
notion of prescribed gender roles, the notion is still very strong in Latino culture. In fact,
studies have shown that by far the most successful Latino marriages are those, which take
a moderate approach: the couple discusses issues and comes to an agreement as equals,
but they still hold their own roles within the household.
In Latino culture, then, the ideal woman:

Cares for her man

Obeys her man
Is deeply religious
Longs for motherhood
Stays home to care for her children
Manages the household
Is self-sacrificing
Is responsible and trustworthy

Keep in mind that just because you're dating a Latino man doesn't mean he'll expect you
to be all of these things: hopefully, he realizes that you're not a Latina! But it's important
that you know his cultural background and where he's coming from.

20

The Down Side

As a modern American woman, you're probably already focused on the downside of such
a cultural view, so let's get it out of the way! There are definitely negative aspects to such
a view of women, including:

Many women wind up working outside the home and completely responsible for
all household duties

Historically, Latino families have been prone to domestic abuse because men
expect to be obeyed (do note, though, that this is changing, and that many Latino
men belong to organizations aimed at preventing exactly such abuses)

The cultural viewpoint does not match the viewpoint of contemporary American
society, which holds that men and women should be treated exactly the same,
with no assigned gender roles.

There's no point in dwelling on the negatives, because most of you are already probably
aware of them in spades. Instead, let's discuss the positives.
The Up Side
Believe it or not, there can be many advantages to the Latino cultural view of women. In
particular, these include:

Latino men tend to be very chivalrous, seeing it as their duty to protect their
women and treat them with the utmost respect.

Latino men have grown up with a strong mother figure, and as such, they tend to
have a great deal of respect for the institution of motherhood.

Many women enjoy the sense of feeling protected and provided for, a sensation
you often get from Latino men.

Some women enjoy the freedom to care for their children at home without the
pressures of returning to work.

Even though cultural expectations for women differ significantly, many women
still enjoy the idea of the machismo, the strong, protective, and providing man in
their lives.

None of this is to say that the Latino men in your life subscribe to this worldview, but it is
the dominant view of women in Latino culture. Before you embark on any attempt to date
a Latino man, you should be prepared for this background.

21

Part Two: Dating Latino Men

Chapter One: The Trials of Interracial Dating
So you understand the ins and outs of Latino culture, and you have a good idea of where
your Latino love interest is coming from in terms of family, religion, and history. That's
great! You're ready to start dating.
Or are you? Before you embark on a quest for Latino men, there are some important
factors you have to take into consideration about interracial dating. Now, of course there
is absolutely nothing wrong with dating outside your race, religion, or culture: people are
people, and the person you love is the person you should be with. But there are unique
challenges in modern American society when it comes to dating someone who is visibly
from a different race than you are.
Myths and Misconceptions
Before you start an interracial relationship, you should know that there are many
misconceptions about interracial dating. Some of these include:
1. There are a lot of interracial relationships in the United States.
Actually, interracial relationships are by far the minority. And most of the interracial
relationships you do see are between Caucasian men and women of Asian heritage. Less
than 5% of all marriages are interracial, due in large part to the fact that people tend to
marry someone who is geographically convenient and it's still common for ethnic
groups to live near one another.
On the other hand, interracial dating and marriage are more common for some ethnic
groups than others. Among Asians, Native Americans, and, of course, Latinos, 30 40%
of their marriages are interracial. That means that if you want to date or marry a Latino,
the odds are in your favor!
2. No one cares about interracial relationships anymore.
Unfortunately, some people do care, and care a lot. Ever heard of the Klu Klux Klan?
That's an extreme example, but there are still many people who frown on the idea of
dating someone from another race. And don't make the mistake of thinking this is limited
to Caucasians, either: you might be just as likely to encounter disapproval from his
heavily Spanish family as from your French grandmother.
As recently as 1967, it was illegal to marry someone of another race. That's less than half
a century ago, so interracial dating, while it may seem normal to you, is actually a very
new phenomenon.

22

3. All interracial relationships will provoke protest and anger from friends and
family.
This is the other side of the same coin: assuming that everyone you meet is judging you
and frowning on your relationship. That's enough to make anyone crazy you and your
partner included. In fact, most people complain that the pressure comes from within their
ethnic community or from within their family.
You have to avoid making either mistake: don't expect everything to be beautifully
smooth sailing, but don't create problems where none exist, either!
4. If you're in an interracial relationship, it proves you're not racist.
We've already discussed how it can actually mean the exact opposite: if you're dating a
Latino man simply because of his reputation for being fiery and sexy, and you couldn't
care less about him as a person, then you're in a very racist relationship. The same is true
for many women from other cultures. Many Asian women complain that men expect
them to be docile and reserved. Having grown up in America, though, many of these
women are just as outspoken and opinionated as their Caucasian counterparts, and these
expectations make it clear that the man cares nothing for them as a person.
5. A lot of people just think it's "cool" to be in an interracial relationship you can't
know they're really interested in you as a person.
To a degree, this may be true: interracial dating is a trend we've started to see on
television and in movies, and in some cultures or societies there's a sort of prestige in
dating a person of another race. But you can usually tell those people pretty quickly:
they're the same ones who will use you for your social standing, or money, or car, or
what have you.
In any relationship you run the risk of being used. You trust yourself and your partner
and you hope for the best and most of the time, that's how it works out. Those other
people will always be there, and all you can do is hope to avoid them.
Marriage and Children
Fortunately, times are changing: in surveys, more than 75% of Caucasians and 80% of
non-Caucasians approved of interracial dating (although notice that even in this survey
there's something of a bias: a division between "Caucasian" and "non-Caucasian,"
without any allowance for the many cultures and races contained under both labels).
Interestingly enough, though, only 60% of Caucasians and 77% of non-Caucasians
agreed with interracial marriage.
Why is that? Well, largely because people think of children: will they look like their
parents? Will they be raised in one culture or another? People rarely frown on interracial

23

relationships anymore, but when a Caucasian woman trots out her dark-skinned child,
there are sometimes raised eyebrows to contend with.
But the important thing is that you love your partner, and if you do, none of these issues
will matter. You're probably not thinking about children right now, but if you do have a
family, it's far more important to provide them with a stable, loving home than one with
two racially identical parents.
Benefits of Interracial Dating
In addition to all these sore spots, there are actually benefits to interracial dating, and
most of them come in the form of cultural awareness, open minds, and acceptance. For
example:

You learn about another culture. Being in an intimate relationship with

someone of another culture means that, for obvious reasons, you're going to come
into close contact with aspects of that culture. You'll have all kinds of experiences
to see first hand things that you might only be able to read about under other
circumstances.

Your family (or his) can be brought to a greater cultural understanding.

Often people, especially from an older generation, have been raised with a
number of misconceptions about people of different races and cultures. They
might think an ethnic group embodies stereotypes on television, especially those
in the news. Meeting someone from another culture can encourage them to see an
ethnic group as composed of people, rather than as a stereotype.

You open lines of communication. Some of your other friends or family

members might genuinely wonder why you would date someone from another
culture. This gives you an excellent opportunity to discuss aspects of your
partner's culture assuming, of course, that they actually want to listen and aren't
just closed to the entire idea!

There are many benefits to interracial dating, but of course there are disadvantages too.
What you have to do is decide if the disadvantages are enough to dissuade you. In the
end, people follow their hearts, and yours will probably tell you what to do in no
uncertain terms. If you're in love with a Latino man, for example, your family's
objections will cease to matter.

24

Chapter Two: Dealing with your Families

To the world at large, your interracial relationship might not seem like anything out of the
ordinary. To your family or his however, it might be an entirely different story. Many
Latinos marry and date outside their ethnic communities, so there's a good chance that
even if his family doesn't completely approve of your relationship, they're not shocked or
mystified by it.
Your family might be another story, though. It's amazing how many polite, politically
correct parents undergo transformations once their little baby brings home a man of
another color or race.
Tips for Breaking the News
A lot can come of the way you introduce your new relationships. If you know your
parents will object, you might be predisposed to be defensive and on edge. That's never a
good start to any conversation! Try these methods instead and be prepared to diffuse the
situation rather than inflame it.

Tell them in public. Ideally, tell them at a restaurant over a pleasant family meal,
when their guard will be down. This is particularly useful if you think they might
create a scene: the public location will probably get them to hold their tongues.

Be honest and firm, but not defensive. Don't try to hide the relationship or your
partner's cultural identity. Feel free to say something like, "I know you've said
you don't approve of interracial dating, but __________ is a really wonderful guy,
and I'd like you to meet him and get to know him. Why don't we all go out for
dinner next week?" Whatever you do, don't let yourself get drawn into an angry
argument.

Stress the positive aspects of your relationship. Make it clear to your family
how happy you are, how much in love you are, and most importantly, how
wonderfully your partner treats you. It's hard for any parent to disapprove of a
man who makes their daughter happy.

Stick to your guns. If worst comes to worst, make it clear in a nonconfrontational way that you are an adult, and you're telling your parents about
the relationship as a courtesy, not because you're asking for their permission.
Make sure they understand that they can't change your mind, that you're in love,
and that while you'd appreciate their understanding, you're willing to proceed
without it.
Arguments, Arguments!

There are three potential problems when it comes to families and interracial relationships:

25

Family arguments
Family abandonment
Dealing with his family when you know they don't like you

We'll address each of them in turn.

1. Family arguments
This is by far the most common problem you'll encounter if your family objects to your
relationship. Understanding some of the common objections and arguments parents come
up with can help you preserve the family peace.

We want to preserve our culture! This is particularly common if your own

family is from a strong ethnic background. They may want you to marry within
your own race/culture to pass their blood and culture on to your children. If this is
the case, simply make it clear that while you understand their concerns, you are
perfectly capable of passing on your own culture in addition to your partners, if it
ever comes to that, and that you have to make this decision with your heart.

But they're all _____________! This is a particularly common concern for

parents of an older generation, or from a low-income background. Try to be
understanding: your parents' prejudices may seem archaic to you, but to them
they're very real. They're afraid that you're going to get hurt. Although it's the
most offensive on the surface, this is actually the easiest objection to deal with:
simply meeting your partner and getting to know him as a person seeing that he
doesn't fit the stereotype should clear it up.

You/ your children will have to deal with all kinds of strange looks. Again,
this is an argument born out of concern for you and your (potential) offspring.
Explain to your parents that interracial dating no longer has the stigma attached to
it that it might have in their generation. You can also make it clear that other
people's opinions don't matter to you: you're happy, and that's all that matters.

2. Family Abandonment
This is a huge fear for some people. For your Latino man, it might be even worse:
remember, he probably comes from a very tight-knit family background and is used to his
mother coddling him. Her sudden disapproval might be very difficult for him to handle.
Nobody wants to think that their families would abandon them, particularly over
something as ridiculous as who they're dating. But in some case that's exactly the
ultimatum you receive: "If you're going to be in this relationship against our wishes,
you're no longer our daughter."
There are two reasons people say something like this: because they mean it, or because it
slipped out in the heat of anger and they feel they can't take it back. If you suspect the

26

latter, give your folks a few days to cool down and then call them up. Make it clear that
while you love your partner, you also love them, and you want them in your life. If they
remain stubborn, you're probably dealing with the former situation.
If that's the case, there are two courses of action to follow:
1. Try to win them over
2. Form a new family group
If you try to win them over, your best bet is to enlist the help of mutual acquaintances:
friends, church members, clergy, counselors, etc. Get your siblings to gently prod at your
parents until they come around, or explain the situation to someone you know your
parents trust and who you trust to back you up.
If you think there's no way to win them over, though, you might have to accept the fact
that your parents are just going to be stubborn, at least for now. In that case, you should
try to form a new family group not a family by associating with friends and other
couples who will appreciate you and support you.
3. Dealing with his Family
Nothing is more intimidating than facing people you want to impress but who you know
don't like you right off the bat and all because of your race. In fact, it can be tempting to
avoid his family altogether, or to adopt an angry, defensive attitude.
But neither of these is the best way to win them over. If his family's prejudices are based
on the racial aspect, your single best bet is to be yourself. Let them see how much you
care about their son, how much you want to get to know them, and what a great person
you really are. As they come to know you as a person instead of a racial idea, they'll start
to appreciate you.
In the end, the best thing you can do is make everyone yourself included as
comfortable as possible. There might be some initial tension or concerns, but you have to
be willing to contend with these if you're going to make your relationship work.
Families are important to everyone, but most especially to Latino men. Remembering this
fact can make all the difference when it comes to maintaining a strong relationship.

27

Chapter Three: Meeting His Family Family Dynamics in

Latino Culture
Meeting a new partner's family is stressful at the best of times, let alone with racial and
cultural differences to deal with. A proper understanding of Latino family dynamics can
make the difference between a stressful, nail-biting visit and an enjoyable evening spent
with his family or at least, as enjoyable as it can be under the circumstances!
Family Dynamics: Generalizations
As with any ethnic group, especially one as widely diverse as the Latino culture, there are
bound to be significant differences between families. There are certain generalizations we
can make about many Latino families, and you'll probably find some of them to be true
for your partner's family. But don't be surprised if not all of them apply, or if there are
other cultural differences you didn't anticipate.
Why bother learning about these generalizations, then? Well, because so many of them
do apply to the majority of Latino families. And if nothing else, they'll give you a basic
understanding of the Latino culture.
1. Ethnic identity
One thing most Latino families have in common is a strong sense of ethnic identity. Even
if most of his living relatives were born in the United States, they may still practice
customs and traditions, as well as celebrate holidays, from their country of origin. They
may also speak Spanish at home. Hopefully, in deference to you, they'll switch to English
for your visit. If they don't, try to get your date alone and just let him know you feel out
of the loop or talk to him in advance and ask him to translate for you. Be prepared,
though, for a strong sense of culture to link his family, and the possibility of feeling left
out.
2. Responsibility
Most Latino cultures see the family as a person's primary responsibility. It's the man's
responsibility to work hard to see that his family is provided for, and the woman's job to
work hard to care for their home. The result is a strong sense of familial obligation (many
Latinos immigrate to the United States specifically to earn money to provide for families
back home). Latinos may also live with their families longer than Caucasian Americans,
who tend to move away from home quite early. It's not uncommon for a grown and
unmarried Latino to live with his parents, so don't take that as a sign of financial
dependence or immaturity.

28

3. Assigned gender roles

We've already discussed these at length, but it's worth noting again that there may be
strong traditional gender roles in the family i.e., if you have dinner together, you may
be expected to help do the dishes while the men sit in the living room.
4. Respect for authority
Many Latino families have great respect for authority figures in society, the family, and
the church. Challenging these authority figures can lead to his family losing a great deal
of respect for you: when you complain about that speeding ticket, they may think that not
only were you wrong to break the law in t he first place, you're making it worse by
disrespecting the authority that punished you.
5. Strong religious beliefs
Even if your man isn't a practicing Catholic, there's a good chance his family is, and
they're probably devout, too. Make sure you understand their religious beliefs before you
start telling that joke about the priest and the altar boy: many Latino families would find
that sort of humor highly offensive.
Latino families also tend to see suffering as a path to redemption. So if you complain
about your troubles and encounter a sense of "well, it was meant to be," don't take it as a
lack of sympathy or understanding.
6. Sense of community
Latino culture tends to hold the group above the individual. That means they have a very
strong sense of community. If you're around for a while, the family will probably try to
draw you into their circle. You may find yourself with a whole new set of parents to deal
with on top of your own! Similarly, most Latino women who go to work leave their
young children with a family member, not a public daycare or sitter.
7. Large families
A combination of the traditional emphasis placed on marriage and children and many
families' strong Roman Catholic beliefs mean that Latino families tend to be large. There
may be extended family members living with them, and most families have quite a few
children: more than 25% of all Latino families in the United States have at least five
members.
8. Strong bonds of marriage
Latino culture holds marriage in high regard. Latinos tend to marry young, and their
divorce rates are significantly lower than other cultures'. You'll also find that Latinos

29

almost revere marriage: your partner might have teenage sisters who are already married.
Over 1/8 of Latina women marry by the age of 19.
Meeting His Family
Once you understand how Latinos regard family, you'll understand how important it is to
him that you and his family get along. In fact, it's probably a much bigger worry to him
than it is to you that his parents like you and if you think about how badly most
Caucasian women want their parents to like their partners, you'll see what that means.
There are some tips and hints that can help you as you get to know his family, though. As
always, your best bet is to just be yourself, but if you can observe the following hints at
the same time, you'll have a much better time!

Don't be too opinionated. Latino families don't expect women to argue too
loudly with their men, and they definitely don't want to hear your opinions on
illegal immigration or the Catholic Church. Stick to safe topics for now.

Remember that first impressions matter. Most people form their opinion of a
new acquaintance within five minutes of meeting them. Sure, those opinions can
change, but first impressions are lasting.

Use your manners. If you have specific dietary needs (vegetarian, diabetic, etc.)
get your partner to warn them ahead of time. Otherwise, eat as much of any meal
as you can, and praise it after. Offer to help with dishes. Say please and thank
you. Use the common rules of courtesy to show respect for his family.

Don't overdo the alcohol. Even if his family seems to be drinking quite heavily,
limit yourself: you don't want something unfortunate slipping out of your mouth
when you've had a glass of wine too many.

Bring a gift. Ask your partner what his parents might like: a potted plant, a bottle
of wine, etc. This might not be necessary if you're popping in for five minutes
after a date, but since it's more likely to be a family meal or gathering, bringing a
gift is just good PR.

Don't share a bed. If you spend the night at your boyfriend's family's, expect to
be put in separate rooms and don't make a fuss about it.

Pump him for information. If there's something you should know, it's his job to
tell you. For instance, do his parents hate tattoos? Maybe you should cover yours.
Did his grandfather die recently? Maybe you should keep mum on that topic. Ask
him what you should know, what topics you should avoid, and what's safe to
bring up.

Meeting your partner's family is always stressful, but if you understand the culture and
keep your wits about you, you'll do just fine!

30

Chapter Four: But I'm Not Catholic! How Religion Affects

Dating
There are four possible scenarios when it comes to your Latino man and religion:

He's not religious and never has been very unlikely

He's a non-Catholic religion fairly unlikely
He's a non-practicing Catholic fairly possible
He's a practicing Catholic very likely

The fact is that most Latinos are Roman Catholic, and most of them practice their faith.
He might not go to church every week (although if he lives near his family, he probably
does) but he may very well still hold those beliefs close.
What does that mean for you? If you're not Catholic, can you still be together? Well, yes,
but it might be more difficult. If he is practicing, he'll almost certainly want a Catholic
wedding and Catholic children. Of course, there are three possible scenarios here:

You're a non-practicing (or practicing!) Catholic and don't mind at all

You're non-religious and it's not a big deal to you
You're either of a different religion or, for whatever reason, don't like the Catholic
Church
What Catholics Believe

The Roman Catholic Church has always had a strong presence in Latino culture. The
church has numerous and complex doctrines, but here are some of the ones that will
probably concern you. The Catholic Church teaches.

That God created the world

That Jesus was His son, sent to die for our salvation
That God is three persons in one God: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit
That saints and angels can pray for us and intervene in our lives
That Mary was specially chosen to be Jesus' mother and, while not divine, holds a
special place in Heaven
That sex is sacred to marriage
That abortion is wrong
That artificial birth control interferes with the possibility of life in marriage

If any of these beliefs worry you, it's best to discuss them with your partner early on. For
example, many practicing Catholics use birth control. Your man may not follow each
church teaching to the letter.

31

If You're Open to the Church

If you're a lapsed Catholic, or a non-Catholic with no particular objections to
Catholicism, you probably won't have many difficulties. You might end up chatting with
priests more often than you used to, attending the odd mass, or if it comes to that
taking your children to be baptized or receive their first communion. But it likely won't
be a problem.
If you're vehemently opposed to the Catholic Church, a relationship with a Latino Man
probably won't work. He's been raised with these beliefs and they're part of not only his
religion but his culture and family.
If, on the other hand, you find yourself becoming interested in the Roman Catholic faith,
any local church can hook you up with the RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults)
classes, where you can learn more about it.
If You're a Different Religion
The trickiest part is if you hold your own religious beliefs at odds with Catholicism. You
have nothing particular against the church, it's just not your belief system.
The simple fact is that many relationships between people of different faiths fail. It's not
the fault of either of the partners, only the fact that something very important to you can
never be shared with your partner. People also worry about children: where will they be
raised? If you're Jewish, what will happen at Christmas? At Passover? You can see the
problem.
If you do decide to try to make a go of it in spite of your religious differences, though,
keep these tips in mind:

Focus on what you do have in common. Okay, you'll never see eye-to-eye on
the religion issue. What do you have in common? Why do you like him?

Be respectful. You always have to remember that he holds his beliefs as strongly
as you do yours, and he won't appreciate disparaging remarks. Expect the same
respect in return.

Don't try to convert him. If in the back of your mind you think he'll convert
"someday," you're setting yourself up for heartache and failure.

Communicate. Make sure you both understand one another's religions and the
obligations and responsibilities that come along with them.

Making a relationship work is difficult enough without religious differences thrown into
the mix. However, if you believe in yourself and your relationship strongly enough, you
can make it work.

32

Chapter Five: Intimate Relationships Will Your Love Life

Sizzle?
Let's face it: television and movies makes Latinos sizzle. Latinas maybe spring more
readily to mind Salma Hayek, Jessica Alba, and Cameron Diaz are all contemporary
Latina sex symbols but Benicio del Toro and Antonio Banderas get their fair share of
time to heat up the screen.
Hollywood and other media sources embody several stereotypes about Latin culture and
its sexuality, including that:

Latinos are passionate, possessive lovers

Latinos are strong and very masculine (machismo)
Latinos are aggressive pursuers

In fact, if you accepted the myths of popular culture you'd quickly begin to see Latinos
and their female counterparts as the embodiment of sex itself.
As with all stereotypes, this one is rooted in a certain amount of truth. Historically, Latino
culture has been much more open toward and accepting of sex than their Caucasian
counterparts, in spite of the influence of Roman Catholicism. What you'll find among
Latinos is a wide range of opinions and attitudes toward sex, ranging from:

Traditional Catholic: many Latinos, although they engage in sexual activity

outside marriage, have very negative views of things such as children born out of
wedlock, abortion, and extra-marital affairs. They will probably not want their
families to know of your sexual relations. Some very Catholic Latinos may even
refuse to engage in any kind of sexual intercourse outside of marriage.

Nominally Catholic: Like traditional Catholics, these men probably don't want
their parents to know you're sleeping together. They're fine with the rest of the
world finding out, however (with the possible exception of their parish priests).
Nominal Catholics probably hold to the church's teachings in some levels, but
they don't let it interfere with their sex lives.

Liberal Lovers: These men have little or no religious compunction about sex.
They're happy to engage in it at any time, and they're usually experienced and
passionate lovers.

Outside of these generalizations, of course, there are dozens of other sexual attitudes and
ideas. These are simply three of the more common attitudes you may encounter.
Tips for A Healthy Sexual Relationship

33

If you are in an intimate relationship with a Latino man, there are some tips that will help
you keep your partnership happy and healthy, including:

Don't assume that touching someone indicates sexual interest. Latino men
tend to be very physically affectionate. He probably still kisses Mom goodbye,
and he may hug and touch his female friends quite often especially Latinas, who
share this tendency to engage in casual touching. It doesn't indicate sexual interest
or infidelity.

Be respectful of his beliefs. If he tells you he doesn't want to sleep with you or
that he doesn't want to sleep with you yet you have to respect that. Conversely,
expect him to respect your beliefs. You may have to explain them, but there
should be a way for the two of you to work out a mutually respectful situation.

Think about contraception. In many Latin cultures, contraception is considered

to be the woman's job. Your man may not even think about it, just assuming that
you're on the pill or using some form of contraceptive. If you want him to take an
active part in this aspect of your sex life you'll probably have to say so.

Don't hop into bed right away. This isn't so much a piece of advice about Latino
man as it is about men in general. Studies have shown that sexual relationships
between men and women produce a hormone in the woman's brain. This hormone
creates strong emotional feelings and a desire for closeness. In other words,
sleeping with someone when you're not sure you want a relationship with him can
lead to all sorts of heartache as your hormones drive you to create more of a
relationship than ever really existed.

The fact is that sexual relations are an important part of any relationship, whether that
means actual intercourse or just affection, intimacy, and touching. Maintaining open
communications is the most important aspect of keeping that relationship healthy and
happy all aspects of it, including sexual.
But while intimacy is integral to a romantic relationship, it isn't the only thing that
matters. Remember that Latino culture values family, respect, and self-sacrifice as highly
as it values passion and romance.

34

Chapter Six: Cultural Norms and How they Affect Your

Relationship
We've already addressed, in the broadest sense, the ins and outs of Latino culture and
some of the ways you'll have to adjust in a relationship with a Latino man. But how will
the different cultural norms really affect your relationship?
Whenever you're entering into a relationship, you have to know that there will be things
you agree about and things you don't areas of similarity and areas of difference. That's
fine: who would really want to date someone exactly like them in every way? Can you
imagine your date gushing over his new pair of shoes? Probably not the most attractive
picture.
So while these differences are nothing to get worried or excited about, they are something
to be aware of. As the old saying goes, forewarned is forearmed! Knowing what to expect
from the relationship can help you keep it healthy, strong, and successful.
A Review of Cultural Norms
We've been discussing different aspects of Latino culture for most of this book, but
sometimes it's helpful to have everything laid out in one place for your convenience. So
let's reconsider what we know so far about Latino cultural perspectives:

Latinos have a very negative representation in the media, a representation that is

far from accurate.

Most Latinos come from very large, very close-knit families.

There are many stereotypes about Latinos, and you have to be prepared to judge
each person individually.

Latinos regard family as the single most important responsibility in their lives:
over work, friends, etc.

Gender roles in Latino families tend to be clearly defined, with the man as the
head of the household and the woman responsible for the home and children.

Children are extremely important in Latino culture. Most women aspire to

motherhood, and many people marry relatively young (by modern American
standards).

Many Latino families still speak Spanish at home.

Most Latinos are Roman Catholic, or at least from a Roman Catholic background.

35

Traditionally, Latino culture has a strong respect for authority figures.

Latinos have a strong sense of community as well as family, and generally expect
the community and extended family's assistance, as well as seeing themselves as
obligated to provide assistance themselves.

Physical contact and emotional exuberance are normal for Latino men.

Latino men are usually waited on by the women in their lives, who see their roles
as supporting and encouraging their men.
How These Norms Affect Your Relationship

How will all of these things affect your relationship? Well, you're probably sick of
hearing it by now, but the simple answer is that there is no simple answer! The extent to
which these things will impact your relationship depends on many things, including:

Personalities: How easy-going are you, and how laid back is he? Does the idea of
a woman doing all the housework infuriate you? Does the concept of helping with
the dishes make him blush in shame? Or are you both willing to compromise?

How he grew up: Did he have a multicultural upbringing, or was he raised

primarily among Latinos? Does he have a mix of cultural friends, or does he
primarily associate with his family and community? There's nothing wrong with
that, of course but it does indicate that he's going to be a much more traditional
Latino than someone who has a wide variety of exposure to different races and
cultures.

His family: Most Latino families in the United States have Americanized to a
certain degree. It's the old "when in Rome" rule: people tend to adapt to and
assimilate into the society they're living in. Depending on many things when his
family immigrated, how traditional they are, how they've fared in their new
country you may find these cultural norms having a serious affect on your
relationship or none at all!

Your family: Don't forget that you have a cultural background too, and that has a
serious influence on your life. Were you raised with strong ethnic norms of your
own? Have your parents always been very open to other cultures or do they hold
certain prejudices? As awkward as that would be for you, imaging how it makes
him feel! Your families can seriously impact your relationship.

Religion: Let's face it, many relationships fail when different religions are
involved. A best case scenario is where both of you are Roman Catholic.
Otherwise, you'll have to work hard at making your relationship work in spite of
its boundaries. It's possible, of course, but difficult.

36

Your social circle(s): How did you meet? Who do you hang around with? Do
you both have a variety of friends from different cultures, income levels, and
backgrounds, or do you tend to form relationships primarily with your own peer
group, only coming out of hiding to see one another? If you don't have a common
social network, it's much harder to maintain a relationship.
Things to Keep in Mind

Because the purpose of this book is to prepare you for things you may encounter in a
relationship with a Latino man, it may come across as a somewhat negative portrayal of
Latino culture. But that's in no way the case! It's important to be prepared for problems,
but at the same time, you should always remember the beautiful things about Latino men
and Latino culture things like:

Their rich cultural heritage in music, art, and dance

Their caring, devoted natures (coming from growing up in such close families
with such an emphasis on caring for one another)

Their upbringing, which often leads Latino men to be chivalrous and protective,
treating women with a degree of courtesy not often seen in this day and age

The fact that they have lower divorce rates and increased marital happiness than
any other cultural grouping in North America

The knowledge and experiences they can share with you

The warm, open, and welcoming nature of their families and communities: once
you're a part of them, you're welcome forever!

There are many, many positive things about Latino culture. It's wise to prepare yourself
for areas of conflict or concern, but never lose sight of the beautiful and endearing
aspects of the men you're interested in. Otherwise, you'll start to ask yourself why you
bother at all!
A relationship with a Latino man can be a challenge, but it can also be a fun, exciting,
and fulfilling experience. Yes, Latino men differ from men of other races and cultures
but that's not necessarily a bad thing. In the end, you're attracted to who you're attracted
to, and there's not much you can do about it. So don't worry! Enjoy yourself, and deal
with new issues as they arise in the relationship. Only time will show whether you're
really meant for each other.

37

Part Three: Putting it Into Practice

Chapter One: Where to Meet Latino Men
So you've gone through this book, and you're intrigued. You're interested in Latino
culture, and you think you would enjoy being with a man from this background. Not only
that, but you feel completely confident (or at least reasonably so) about working through
any issues the two of you may encounter.
Let's cut to the chase: you want yourself a Latino man.
If you live in a community with a high Latino population, finding a Latino could be as
easy as strolling down the street. But if you live in an area with a lower population, or
you know there are Latinos living nearby and you've never had much to do with them and
aren't sure how to go about it, things can get trickier.
Fortunately, there are many ways to meet men in general and Latino men in particular,
especially if you live near an area high in people of Latino heritage. Even if you don't,
your quest is not impossible only a little more difficult. Here are some of the top ways
to meet Latino men!
1. Learn Spanish.
Okay, so a lot of Latinos already know Spanish. But you might find a few brushing up on
their skills, or taking classes to make their grandparents happy. And more to the point,
you'll have basic language skills if you ever do meet a Latino man and need to get to
know his family!
2. Online communities
Not dating websites communities. There are many groups online, and some of them are
dedicated to Latino culture or even Latino dating. You can check out Yahoo groups,
MSN sites, or any other number of online communities.
It's amazing who you can meet in these groups. You might be shocked to discover a cute
Latino guy just down the street.
3. Dating sites
Okay, so you knew this one would be on here. There are actually specific sites
showcasing Latino men and Latina women. If you've never tried online dating, it's worth
giving it a whirl: you'd be surprised at how many people these days meet their partner, or
even their spouse, over the internet. We live in a largely closed-off society, and it can be
difficult to get to know others. Online dating sites give you a way around that problem.

38

You can find a list of many online sites featuring Latino men at http://edatecentral.com/personals/hispanic.htm.
4. Speed dating
Again, this works best if you live in an area with a high Latino population. Like dating
sites, it's a modern solution to the difficulty of meeting people in our hectic world. When
you attend a speed dating session, you have a short (usually about five minute)
conversation with a series of men. When the evening is over, you check off the men who
interested you, and they do the same for the women. If you overlap, the service will put
you in touch with one another.
Latino men are like any others, and many of them find it difficult to meet their soul
mates. You're more than likely to find a few of them at a speed dating session!
5. Volunteer in a Latino area
If you work in, say, a soup kitchen in a Latino area, it stands to reason that most of the
volunteers will be Latinos. Even if it turns out to be mostly women, they probably have
friends and family they can introduce you to. Better still, try to volunteer for Catholic
non-profit organizations your chances of running into a Latino just doubled.
There's another advantage to this method of meeting someone: how much better does it
get than hooking up with a man who you already know is willing to give his time to help
others?
6. Go to church!
Of course, it's fairly hypocritical to start hanging out in your local churches and scouting
for men after mass. But if you're Catholic anyway, or a lapsed Catholic, or just wouldn't
mind learning about the faith, start attending mass at a Catholic church in a Latino area.
Try to hit the Sunday evening mass that time tends to attract a much younger crowd. Of
course, you may find Latino men attending church with their families Sunday morning as
well!
7. Take up sports
Latino men actually, men in general are usually fairly interested in sports. Don't take
up, say, belly dancing your chances of meeting a straight man there aren't very good.
But if you take up golf, or softball, or even floor hockey, you might very well get to
know your local Latino community that way.
Not much of an athlete? There are other ways to nab your man. Hang out in local parks
and watch for men on the basketball courts. Take in a sports game at a local bar.
Cultivate an interest in a local team and check out some games. Bring a girlfriend along

39

so you don't find yourself bored to tears, and you might wind up having fun even if you
don't encounter the Latino of your dreams.
8. Walk the dog.
Most men like dogs (dogs walking your pet ferret probably won't make the same
impression). And a dog provides a nice opening conversation piece: let your dog pull a
little too close to the guy, close enough to bump him, and you can exclaim, "Oh, I'm
sorry!" while he pats the dog's head.
Alternatively, if you don't have a Fido of your own, play the game in reverse: watch for
cute guys walking their own pets, and immediately find yourself "drawn" to the animal.
Dog owners are almost always willing to talk about their pets. Within minutes, you'll be
chatting like you've known each other your entire lives.
9. Check out Latino cultural events.
If the local Latino community puts on a show at a community center, or there's an exhibit
of Spanish art, or a concert of Puerto Rican music, that may be the perfect place to find a
Latino man and a Latino man with an appreciation for the finer things, no less!
10. Form friendships.
The more friendships you form with people of both genders, all races and colors, the
better your chances of meeting someone who's right for you. After all, girlfriends love to
set their pals up with men they know we're all romantics at heart! And the more people
you know, the better your chances of meeting someone period.
Keep at It!
The simple truth is that it can be difficult to get to know people in our society. We live in
isolated worlds, connected to one another primarily through the computer and our cell
phones. That's why so many new and innovative solutions have sprung up over recent
years, from online dating to speed dating.
The most important thing is persistence. If you keep at it, you're bound to find what
you're looking for eventually. And in the meantime, be patient: you can't always get
everything you want in a day.

40

Chapter Two: How to Attract Latino Men

So now that you know where to find Latino men, how on earth do you set about attracting
them? Well, the same way you would with any other man, for the most part but there
are some specific things Latino men look for (and don't look for!) that differ from your
average Joe.
First of all you have to realize that if you're really looking to attract a man, there are two
seemingly contradictory things to remember:

You are always "on the job" of looking for the right man
The man-hunt can't be your sole focus

Does that sound strange? But if you think about it, it actually makes perfect sense. For
example, when we say that you're always on the job, we just mean that you never know
when lightning will strike. If you dress up to go to the bar but the rest of the week you
look slovenly, you're using about two of the 168 hours available to you in a week.
Remember, Latino men like to make the first move. That means they'll start to chat you
up anywhere: in the Laundromat, at an ATM, at the coffee shop. If you don't look your
best or, worse still, if you're absorbed in your own world, sending out body language
signals that say KEEP AWAY!, you won't get a second look.
So in other words, you should always be aware that there are men around you, Latino or
otherwise. If you really want to attract them, cultivate that awareness.
On the other hand, though, if you think about nothing but finding a man, you're quickly
going to drive yourself crazy not to mention become the worst bore on the face of the
planet! The trick is to be aware of your surroundings and receptive to a man's approach
while enjoying yourself and living your life. If it takes a few months to meet that perfect
man, well, so what? Stay open and have fun.
Make Him Look Twice!
Once you've cultivated this kind of double-edged lifestyle, half the battle is won. You've
moved yourself into a position where you're ready and willing to receive male attention.
But there are a few more tips you can follow to maximize your chances of attracting any
man especially a Latino!

Radiate confidence. No one likes insecurity, and Latino men in particular tend to
be attracted to women who are bold, intelligent, and confident. How does that
mesh with the cultural expectation that women will obey? Well, he wants you to
let him have the final word, of course, but that doesn't mean he won't appreciate a
challenge now and then!

41

Smile! If you spot a man you're attracted to, flash him a winning smile. If worse
comes to worst, he'll ignore you completely. But if he's had an eye on you
already, that smile will give him the confidence he needs to approach. It's a
relatively low-risk maneuver with a big potential payoff!

Flirt. Flirtatious behavior is just what comes naturally: giggling at his jokes,
smiling, making eye contact, leaning in for a touch or letting your leg brush his
when you're sitting next to one another things that could be accidental but
obviously aren't. Latino men go crazy for this sort of thing.

Don't be afraid to show a little vulnerability. Now, don't go overboard on this

one. No one wants a princess in a tower waiting to be rescued. But many women
in modern America feel like they have to demonstrate constant self-sufficiency
and keep it all together. A Latino man likes to feel needed, so if you show him
your life is better because of him, you'll send his ego soaring.

Go out in groups of three or less. If you're with a gaggle of girlfriends, he'll be

terrified to approach. Of course you're not going to hang out at a bar alone, and
you'll have more fun with a group. But keep it small and make sure your friends
are cool with the fact you're looking for male companionship you don't want
them to feel deserted!

Hold a drink when you're at a bar or club. Some men think you're using them
for drinks. If you have a half-full drink in your hand, a guy can come up to you
without worrying that you're only being nice so he'll buy you a drink. Of course, if
he's Latino, he's probably going to offer to buy your next drink anyway. But that's
beside the point!

Maintain the mystery. You can play up to his ego and flirt to your heart's
content, but don't give him your entire life's story in a single blow. Offering a few
hints and suggestions is good, but leave him something to find out in the future!

Don't worry too much about looks. As long as you look your best, don't obsess
over your big nose or that extra ten pounds. Latino men love women, and if you
appear passionate and confident, they'll notice that far more than your
imperfections.

Be yourself. While you're sifting through all these suggestions, keep in mind that
you want him to have a relationship with you, not a fantasy you're projecting. So
try to adopt these suggestions, but make sure that it's you underneath.

Finding and attracting a Latino man isn't really any different than attracting anyone else.
If you're open, friendly, confident, and self-assured, he'll be drawn to you like a magnet!

42

Chapter Three: Being Yourself

You already know how important it is to move beyond cultural stereotypes in dealing
with Latino men. But it's equally important not to limit yourself with your own
perceptions and stereotypes, and it's essential that you remain true to yourself.
Understanding and adapting to Latino culture is important, but it's important that your
man understands and adapts to your culture, too! Here are some common racial mixes
and how they tend to play out.
Latinos and Caucasians
Of course, the problem here is that "Caucasian" covers a wide range of cultures and
backgrounds. An extremely traditional Ukrainian family and a liberal, hippie-inspired
American family with a wide variety of roots are both considered Caucasian. So keep in
mind that while Caucasian works as a catch-all description of a skin color, it doesn't work
as much else.
Caucasians, though, are the racial group most likely to be ignorant of their heritage. This
can become a problem when faced with a strong culture like your Latino man will likely
come from. If you don't have a cultural identity of your own, you can wind up feeling
lost, questioning your own background, or coming to identify strongly with the Latino
culture. Of course, identifying with Latino culture isn't a bad thing, but it can create
difficulties because you're not Latina, and you may encounter prejudice and problems
when dealing with more closed-minded people within that culture.
The best possible way to deal with these situations is to learn about your own cultural
background. If your parents don't know, try talking to your grandparents, who will most
likely be very happy to share some of your past. If you feel that you simply don't come
from a strong cultural background if, like many Americans, you're a melting pot of
many European cultures why not learn about one or two of them, or study the pilgrims'
early experiences in the United States? Knowing where you come from can make a big
difference in understanding the cultural rules of others.
Southeast Asians and Latinos
Many women of Southeast Asian origin find Latino culture easy to adapt to, while others
find it extremely difficult. It really depends on what aspect of the culture you choose to
highlight. Traditionally, many Southeast Asians define gender roles in relationships
similarly to Latinos. That can make it easier for a woman to adjust to the expectations of
a Latino family. Southeast Asian cultures also place a much higher value on family
responsibilities and ties than European cultures, and will likely find it easier to
understand the Latino emphasis on family.
On the other hand, many Southeast Asian cultures value a reserved and dignified
demeanor, something rarely found in the boisterous Latino lifestyle. To a woman of a
43

reserved background, a Latino family may seem loud, brash, intrusive, and
overwhelming. Southeast Asian cultures often tend to be reserved, often uncomfortable
with physical contact. Again, this can provide a sharp contrast with Latino families,
where you may be seized and kissed by his mother the first time you meet!
African Americans and Latinos
This is actually an extremely common pairing: for whatever reason, many Latino men
find African American women extremely attractive, and vice versa. This might have
something to do with the fact that in many ways, Latinos and African Americans have
similar cultures. They both come from large, vibrant family backgrounds, and both
groups have faced a lot of prejudice from the American public.
African American women, of course, tend to be quite strong and liberated, which can
create problems for a traditional Latino family. But don't worry: just ease them into
things a bit at a time, and give them time to adjust. They'll come to love you in time, even
if you don't always live at your man's beck and call.
Middle Easterns and Latinos
There is actually a small but growing group of Latinos and Latinas who have broken with
their traditional Catholic faith to embrace Islam. Many of these people feel that their
culture follows Catholicism more as a cultural tradition than as a steady belief. They are
looking for something more, and they find it in the Islamic faith.
If you are a practicing Muslim, you probably aren't interested in dating a Latino man
outside your religion. Never fear, though: there are Latino men who consider themselves
devout Muslims. You just have to look for them! And once you find them, you'll discover
that their culture is actually quite in line with your own.
Know Thyself
Of course, this is hardly a complete discussion of every possible race combination: there
are many people of many cultures in the United States. But regardless of your ethnic or
cultural background, your response to Latino culture will be largely personal. Your
background will inform you, certainly, but in the end it's up to you to learn about and
appreciate Latino heritage.
The best way to discover an appreciation for another's culture, though, is to learn to
appreciate your own. And the best way to do that is to dedicate yourself and your time to
understanding it!

44

Chapter Four: Understanding Your Motives

There's a simple question with a difficult answer: why do you want to date a Latino man?
Why do you want to date any man at all? If you surveyed a hundred different women
(and all of them answered honestly!), you'd probably get at least twenty-five different
answers. Some of them might include:

I'm afraid of being lonely

I feel pressured to marry by my family/ society
I enjoy male company
I only feel complete when I have a boyfriend
All of my friends are in relationships and I feel left out
I want to get married and have children

None of these are invalid reasons. Only you can know what's right for you. But there are
times when you have to ask yourself if your motivation is really driving you towards
what you want. For example, if your only motivation is family pressure, are you really
going to be happy once you're married? Or will you live in constant resentment over
marrying before you wanted to?
As for Latino men, there are many reasons people want to date them, too!

They have a reputation as family men

They're attractive
They're chivalrous
They come from an interesting culture
There are many Latino men around and you have many Latino friends

Again, none of these are wrong reasons, but you have to remember that some of them are
based on stereotypes. Not every Latino man is the same any more than every Caucasian
woman is the same, so while the Latino cultural background gives rise to certain
expectations and behaviors, you can't expect everyone to fit the same mold.
The First Step to a Relationship: Happiness on Your Own!
It sounds contradictory: the first step to finding a successful and happy relationship is to
accept yourself without one. But it's the truth. If your self worth is based on needing a
man then you'll find yourself far too dependent on your man, incapable of living without
him. And while men like to feel needed, no man wants to feel like he's personally
responsible for your psychological well being.
If you've found that even when you apply the tips in this book you can't seem to find a
relationship, part of the problem might be inward, not outward. Women tend to assume
that if they can't find a relationship there's something wrong with them: they're not
attractive enough, or smart enough, or friendly enough. Often, though, the exact opposite

45

is true: they have all of these qualities, but their inability to recognize them in themselves
makes them less obvious to other people!
It can be difficult in our culture, where we traditionally expect women to have a man. But
times have changed, and you have to accept yourself with all of your flaws before you
can expect anyone else to do so.
If you have trouble conceiving of yourself being happy outside a relationship, try the
following ideas:

Make a list of your good points. Don't be shy: no one else will ever see it to
accuse you of being conceited! Drag up everything you've ever done that you feel
proud of and write it down in black and white for yourself to see.

Make a point of countering negative thoughts immediately. Catch yourself when

you put yourself down and picture a big red STOP sign. Immediately replace
negative thoughts with positives!

Get involved take a class or learn a skill, anything that will allow you to set and
achieve goals. Volunteer. Hit the gym. Do whatever it takes to make yourself get
up and out there.

Dress well and take care of yourself for your own sake as much as anyone else's.
Think about how you feel when you're really dressed well and done up: it's
probably much better about yourself than when you woke up late and threw on
yesterday's dirty clothes.

Surround yourself with positive people. Don't let anyone put you down, and don't
accept so-called friends who use you to make themselves feel better.

You may wonder why this is so important. Well, men especially Latino men are
attracted to confidence and self-assuredness. And it's very difficult to project that sort of
self-security when you're not feeling it.
Think of it this way: do you want a friend, much less a boyfriend, in constant need of
reassurance? Do you want to be with someone who insists you tell him five or six times
every day that he's not stupid, ugly, or mean? Didn't think so!
So in a roundabout way, the best way to hook a Latino man or any man is to decide
you're okay without one! Once you feel happy and secure with your own life you'll be a
much more attractive person to other people male and female.

46

Chapter Five: Maintaining a Relationship

Once you've found yourself in a relationship with a Latino man, it's not enough to sit
back and relax. Latino men enjoy excitement and variety. That isn't to say that he's going
to cheat on you if you're not adventurous enough, or that all of the pressure for
maintaining the relationship should fall on you. But let's face it, men tend to be kind of
clueless in this area, and that leaves a lot of work on the woman's shoulders!
Regardless of what your relationship is like, there are a few little tips and tricks that
ALWAYS work, no matter who you're with. If you really want your relationship to work,
this is how to make it happen!

Honesty.
Honesty is so important, especially with Latino men. Make them feel like fools, or
give them the slightest hint that they've been deceived, and they'll never forgive
you for it. Be open and honest so that when something looks suspicious he
already knows he can trust you.

Variety.
No, you don't have to run out and sign yourselves up for a skydiving course. Just
watch for when you settle into routines. If every Friday sees you at a movie, and
ever Saturday sees you having dinner out and then a night in, it's time to shake
things up! Check out local theatre, or gather friends for a games night. Anything
to break the routine and keep it fun.

Keep your own space.

You don't have to be together every moment of every day. We all know horror
stories from girlfriends who ditched their pals, set up an entire social life around
their significant other, and then broke up to find themselves on their own. Don't
let that happen to you! Keep in close touch with your friends.
The key to this, of course, is communication: you have to let your partner know
that you want time alone or with your pals not because you don't love him and
want to spend time with him, but because you love him enough not to have to
monitor his every movement. Make it about trust and love, not privacy. And
never, ever break a date with your guy because "something came up" with your
friends or you just don't feel like going out. It sends the message that he's not
important to you.

Communicate.
This is especially important in a relationship where there could be cultural
misunderstandings. If something's bothering you, it's not fair to play the "I won't
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tell you until you figure it out on your own" game. Sit him down privately,
because a Latino man won't thank you for exposing him in public and explain
how you feel. Do it in a non-accusatory way in other words, instead of saying
"You totally ditched me at your mom's party last night!" try "I felt really out of
place at your mom's party last night." That way you don't start off with him
feeling defensive.
Often you'll find him very willing to listen. Latino men don't mean to ignore you
and they would never intentionally mistreat you, so it's usually just a case of
cultural misunderstanding.

Don't badmouth friends or family.

No matter how unfriendly his family is, let him be the one to badmouth them. It's
okay to say, "I don't think your mom liked me very much! Did I do something
wrong?" It's NOT okay to say, "Wow, your mom is rude!" Remember Latino men
put an incredible amount of value on their families. And no man appreciates
attacks on his friends.

Be affectionate.
Remember, Latino men are used to a lot of touching and affectionate gestures. If
you're withdrawn, he'll interpret it as anger or resentment. You don't have to do
anything too demonstrative: hold his hand, touch his shoulder, or push your thigh
against his under the table when you're sitting next to each other. Little touches,
hugs, and kisses let him know you care.

Discuss your problems.

Don't let issues fester until they become resentful sores. If there's something
troubling you, say so! Find a good time to talk about it and then do so. If you want
a relationship to work, you have to be willing to put time and effort into it.

Do things for each other.

Even a little compliment can make a big difference when someone's having a bad
day. Gifts are nice, but so is a home-cooked meal, a paperback novel you loved
reading, or a shoulder rub. There are many things you can do to show your
appreciation for one another without spending a lot of money.

Get to know his family.

It probably goes without saying at this point that with his family being so
important to him, you're going to have to spend some time with them. But if you
can get to know them on a personal level maybe even become friends instead

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of as his mother, his sister, his aunt, you'll have a lot more fun at family
gatherings not to mention keep him impressed.

Include him in your family.

Even if you know he's busy, make a point of inviting him to family gatherings.
Remember, he'll naturally assume your family is as important to you as his is to
him, so inviting him to spend time with them indicates how much you care about
him.

Make time to talk.

It sounds so simple it's ridiculous, but it's amazing how many couples don't talk to
each other! They make small talk, they joke around, but they know absolutely
nothing about one another's lives. If something big happens, he should be the first
to know and vice versa! It's a mark of a healthy relationship.

Don't dissect him with your friends.

It's tempting girls always want to have "girl talk," and your girlfriends'
relationships are usually fair game. But how would you feel if you found out he
was discussing your sex life with his buddies? Latino men in particular need to
feel respected in the relationship. Sure, chances are he'll never find out but do
you really want to take that risk?
Similarly, if you have a fight you don't need to call your girlfriends for an instant
play by play. The simple truth is that it's none of their business!

Relationships are never easy, and cultural differences don't make them any simpler. But a
little bit of work can make any relationship succeed!
Creative Ways to Keep Things Fresh
Even the most dedicated couple gets into a rut now and then. Once you get comfortable
with one another, it's all too tempting to spend your time sacked out on the couch
watching reruns of The Simpsons together. But with a little time and effort you can come
up with creative, unique dates that won't break the bank. Try to have one every month at
least every week is even better!
Fun things to try include:

Having a picnic in the backyard under the stars

Going to see a Spanish language film. It's okay if you (or both of you!) don't
understand a word of it. Either he'll feel helpful explaining it to you later or you'll
both have a good laugh making up your own dialogue.

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Bake cookies together and eat the whole batch!

Get dressed up and go to a fancy restaurant you usually couldn't afford skip a
few meals out other weeks to pay for this one

Baby sit (or pet sit) for one of his family members

Go skating, swimming, or skiing

Take a dog for a walk (yours or someone else's!)

Have a movie night, complete with popcorn, wine, and a great romantic film (you
might have to talk him into this one).

Have a water fight in the backyard

Learn to do something together: wall climbing, salsa dance, whatever you like

Volunteer someplace together

Attend a cultural event together or better still, a cultural festival where you can
sample food and art from many cultures

Invite your families over for a meal you cooked together

Go for a walk or a bike ride

Eat someplace you've never tried instead of your usual haunts

Try a completely strange recipe (like one involving dried insects) together even
if you can't quite bring yourself to eat it

Go camping, even if it's only in the backyard

Host a murder mystery party

There's not much work involved in keeping your relationship fresh and new, and any
Latino man will appreciate the variety. Remember, when you're dating a Latino it's all
about balance that right mix of family hominess without losing a dash of spice. A little
effort will keep your relationship shining like new!

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Chapter Six: Latino Men and Marriage

It's possible that you're among the very small number of American women uninterested in
marriage. There are women out there and you may be one of them who don't slot
neatly into the statistics, women who are perfectly happy being in a relationship without
the permanency of marriage.
But if you're that woman, a Latino man probably isn't for you at least, not if you want a
deep and permanent relationship, not just a quick fling. Latinos regard marriage and
family as the most important thing in the world. That means that your Latino man has
been raised from birth to understand that one day he'll get married and be a father. You
might have a very hard time challenging that cultural assumption.
That's not to say it's impossible only that it's very, very difficult.
But the fact remains that the vast majority of American women hope for a husband and a
family, and in that respect, you're probably right in line with a Latino man.
Bringing up the M Word
Of course, like many American women, you might find yourself ready for marriage long
before your partner. Or, you might want to find out how he feels about it without putting
pressure on him. How can you bring up the dreaded M word without panicking him?
First of all, relax. Consider the following statistics:

Most men want to get married. According to studies, only about one in five men
has a negative attitude towards marriage and those men tend to be from
divorced families or nonreligious households, both of which Latino men are
statistically unlikely to come from. So the odds that he wants to get married are
firmly stacked in your favor.

Many men want children, especially Latino men. Again, studies show that
about 35% of men get married because they want children, and as we said, Latino
men are more likely than most to feel that way. So much for the old stereotypes
about men being terrified of fatherhood!

Men are willing to settle "when the time is right." Yet another study shows
that most men have the idea of marriage in the backs of their minds just not
"right now." Your job is to convince them that now IS the time!

Actually, it's not all as manipulative and cunning as it sounds. Most Latino men do want
to get married, and they'll often be glad to discuss the topic. When you bring it up, just
remember:

Bring it up casually don't sound too serious!

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Don't deliver ultimatums (we get married or I'm out of here!)

Pump him for information first what does he think about marriage?

Talk about it in a relaxed setting, like on the couch at home not at a friend's
house in the middle of a party

Most Latino men really are open to marriage, so you'll be in for less of a struggle than
most women. And in the end, unfortunately, most men are happier in marriage than
women are. Point that out to him, though, and see if it makes a difference!

Latino Perceptions of Marriage

We've already discussed the idea of gender roles in Latino marriages at some length, so
there's no need to go into that here, although it will probably be a huge issue in your
marriage at some point. A few other things to remember about how Latinos view
marriage include:

The objective of motherhood: Latinos expect families, period. If you're getting

married, it won't be long before you start to get questions about when you're
expecting your first child.

Family closeness: Don't expect to spend huge amounts of time apart. As his wife,
he will expect you to be around and available. That doesn't mean you can't have a
life outside the marriage, only that you'll have to put your marriage first.

Family priorities: Latinos place their responsibility to their families above all
else. So while you can expect a strong level of commitment to him, you should
know that he won't be very understanding if you want to put something else
work, friends, etc. above the family you're creating together.

Extended family: Often, Latino families live with extended family members.
That means that his parents might even expect you to move in with them
(although this is rare), and when his parents get older they may very well be
expecting him to take them into his home, especially if he's the oldest son.

Sacramental: Latinos regard marriage as a sacred bond between man and woman
sanctioned by God. Divorce is never undertaken lightly, if at all. So when you
enter into a marriage with a Latino, understand that he's thinking forever not
"let's try this and see if it works," which some American couples seem to think.

As you can see, Latino culture regards marriage in a very specific way, and you're not
likely to get your man to easily separate himself from those cultural perceptions. If you
can live with that, more power to you: you're getting a family-oriented man who will

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always be there for you, willing to do what it takes to make your marriage work. Isn't that
what we're all looking for, after all?
What to Expect
If you're in a relationship moving towards marriage, there are certain things you can
expect to happen:

Expect him to propose.

Latinos won't truck with this modern trend of women popping the question. Oh,
that doesn't mean you can't talk about it after all, in this day and age, the couple
has usually agreed on marriage long before anyone buys a ring. But Latino men
need to be, well, men, so expect him to do the proposing and he'll probably go
down on one knee to do it!

Expect a church wedding.

Even if he's not religious, his family probably is, and they'll expect a wedding in a
church a Catholic church. Now, there are ways around this: if you're firmly
attached to another religion, you may be able to have two ceremonies, or get away
with having the wedding at your church and having it blessed in the Catholic
Church later on (a simple ceremony involving the two of you and the priest). But
if you're hoping for just a Justice of the Peace in your own backyard, you're likely
to be disappointed.

Expect a lot of guests.

Remember those close family ties? Yeah. You're probably not going to get away
without inviting his uncles, his great-aunts, his fourth cousins twice removed
you get the idea. Some Latino families are so community oriented you might have
to talk them out of a huge wedding involving their entire neighborhood. If they
insist on something of that size, insist that they pay for it!

No matter what you do, his family is probably going to have their way. He's going to
back them up the last thing he wants is a fight, and he really doesn't care about the
wedding one way or the other, only about the fact that he's marrying YOU. If you try to
go against them, it'll probably be an uphill battle.

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Chapter Seven: The Latino Experience

With so many Latino men around, it's obvious that there's going to be a lot more
interracial dating, if only out of necessity. And while that comes complete with its own
unique set of problems and issues, there are many rewards to be gathered, too:
interactions with another culture, a potentially wonderful relationship, and the chance to
learn about other people.
Unless you're a Latina, there's no doubt that Latino culture is very different from your
own. Some aspects you might find intriguing, others troublesome but regardless, you've
taken the first step towards understanding and living with someone of another culture:
you've learned about it!
So what next? Well, it's time to keep learning. Learn Spanish. Learn about Latino dances.
Explore Latino food. Expose yourself to other, non-Latino cultures. Basically, the more
you can expand your cultural horizons, the more likely you are to succeed in an
interracial or intercultural relationship.
There are many good reasons to date Latino men, and some that aren't so good.
Remember, the steps to success are:

Understand yourself: your culture, your history, your motivations

Rid yourself of stereotypical thinking

Open your mind to new ideas and different cultures

Seek out Latino men

Behave in an understanding and open-minded way

Enjoy the relationship!

There are many single Latino men out there, and many of them are looking for a woman
just like you. So brush up on your Spanish and get yourself out there: who knows when
Latino love might be lurking around the corner?

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