Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Volume II Edition XXI

A Party for Apathy

By LeeAnn Rhoden

With the 2016 election

cycle about to begin and
candidates from both
major parties and a few
from other parties flooding
the arena, a new party has
emerged
aimed
at
millennials
and
their
concerns.
The Apathy Party was
formed mainly to get those
people who dont typically
vote, or who dont like the
candidates who eventually
end up on the ballot, to the
polls on election day.
When I spoke to
young people about taxes,
social policies and foreign
affairs, many of them were
disinterested and

detached, said Iwanna

Kaire, founder of Apathy.
Others shared opinions
but their responses were
rather
nonsequitor
indicating
illogical
connections or an underinformed position. By
forming the Apathy Party
these people will have the
ability to be heard without
actually saying anything
or having to become
engaged. We expect a lot
of absentee ballots.
The
Apathetic
candidate has not been
named yet and may not be
for some time to come.
The Partys platform is
simply Whatever. Who
cares.

Do Restaurants Really Make You

Wash Dishes?
By Snoop Cubby

Do restaurants really
make you wash dishes if
you cant pay your bill?
What if business is slow
and there arent enough
dishes to wash?
Then
what?
Last week, I
launched an undercover
investigation to answer
these very questions.
The first restaurant I
went to, I pretended I
didnt
know
what
happened to my wallet.
Unfortunately, I forgot
minutes earlier, I had
placed my wallet on the
table in front of me. Color
the server confused when I
told her I couldnt pay
because I didnt have my
wallet. If I had known I
was going to make a
mistake such as that, I
wouldnt have ordered two
$50 bottles of wine, three

appetizers, and an entire

cheesecake. Suffice it to
say, the bill I paid was
more than my monthly
salary.
The second restaurant
was a hibachi steak house.
For dramatic effect, I left
my wallet in my car. The
server wasnt at all
amused when I told her I
couldnt pay my bill. I
tried to rectify the
situation by offering her
my services but somehow
or another she thought I
was offering her sex. The
hibachi chef chased me
out of the restaurant and
threw butcher knives at
me as I was getting into
my car.
The last restaurant is a
brand new place known
for their breakfast menu.
Continued on Page 2

Biker Gang Terrorizes

Neighborhood
By A. Marie Silver

A gang of four year

olds has taken to the
streets terrorizing adults
and dogs all throughout
the area.
Theres no warning,
said an elderly woman, as
she boarded up her
windows. They dont
have engines on those
things. One minute you
think everything is fine
and the next... The poor
woman
was
too
traumatized to continue
with the interview.
Sheriffs
Deputy,
Richard Flagler has been
investigating the reports of
vandalism associated with
the gang. It seems theyre
calling themselves the
Big Wheelz gang. So far
claims of damages include
crushed flowers, damaged
lawns
and
wheel
impressions in freshpoured cement.
An anonymous source
also reported several cats
in the area have had their
tails
run
over
and
numerous dogs have had
their rubber toys stolen.
The
Sheriffs
department was reluctant

to go on record with more

details but did state that a
number of suspects will be
interviewed after they
wake up from their
afternoon naps.
Parental cooperation is
greatly
appreciated,
Deputy Flagler stated.
Some parents have been
unwilling to cooperate with
our questioning because it
doesnt coincide with the
suspects routines. We
understand potty training is
important but ask that
parents make use of a
travel potty so that were
able to interview the
suspects and put an end to
this reign of terror.
It
is
hoped
the
vandalism will not escalate
beyond what has been
reported or spread beyond
the neighborhood.

Weather

Index

Hot. Increasingly so.

Do not go outside.

More News..............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor................
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, June 21, 2015 Page 2

Dishes

Volume II Edition XXI

Happenings

Continued from Page 1

By Blabby Rumor

I arrived at 6:00 a.m. and

found the place packed.
Chaos reigned throughout
the building as servers ran
into each other, knocking
trays of food onto the
floor. Unhappy children
screamed
while
their
desperate parents did what
they could to appease
them. The waitress was all
too happy to send me back
into the kitchen to wash
dishes.
A
city
of
skyscraper
tall
dishes
greeted me as I walked
over toward the sink. I was
halfway done with plates
when I was approached by
a woman wearing a grey
suit. She held a clipboard
in her arms and was ticking
items off on some kind of
list. She asked me why I
wasnt wearing a uniform.
I explained to her that I
was a customer who
couldnt pay his bill.
Unfortunately
for
the
restaurant, this woman
worked for the Health
Department.
It is with my deepest
regret that this restaurant
was shut down for a
number
of
safety
violations, including the
illegal employment of an
individual who couldnt
pay his bill. My presence

Whats
Hot?
The
temperature is, thats what.
Fortunately, Pilcrow and
Dagger is cool. With just
weeks away until the
publication of their July
issue A Midsummers
Dream the staff is
working feverishly to get it
ready to go. Pay attention
to preorder your print copy
in time.
Rumor has it from the
employee break room that
there is going to be a
midsummer
strike
at
Pilcrow
&
Dagger.
Sources close to the
microwave tell us not to
expect a newspaper on
June 28th or July 5th. You
can complain to Mr. Farce
but please wait until he
notices his staff has gone
on vacation.

To my neighbors - Please
learn how to park your car.
Every time you park
crooked, too close to the
line or over the line, its an

Letter to Editor

By Sham Farce

Dishes Continued
sent the alarm bells ringing
because I wasnt wearing
proper
attire,
wasnt
covered
under
the
restaurants insurance and,
apparently
I
wasnt
supposed to use liquid
drain cleaner to wash the
dishes. That detail caused a
host of other problems for
this diner as well.

Rants & Raves

To the restaurant servers
who were disturbed by my
babys screaming. - She
doesnt like to wait 45
minutes to eat. Maybe
instead of socializing next
to the register, you could
try serving your customers.

Editorial

inconvenience to the rest

of us.

A lack of organization,
poor time management and
low self-esteem are all
contributing factors that
make some writers give up
on writing their novels.
Pilcrow & Dagger is
dedicated
to
helping
writers with their projects
from beginning to end by
providing tidings, tidbits
and tomfoolery for writers
because thats what our
website says.
Also on our website is
a calendar. In an effort to
help writers stay on track,
it provides submission
deadlines,
submission
openings and, in the very
near future, it will also
provide the dates of
literary festivals located all
over the world. The link to
the
calendar
is
www.pilcrowdagger.com/
goings-on/.
Pilcrow & Dagger
sincerely hopes this will
help every writer maintain
a level of organization
conducive to novel writing.
And
getting
your
submissions in in a timely
manner. Or making your
travel arrangements to your
festival or conference of
choice.

Dear Mr. Farce,

This letter is in
response to your editorial
on public shaming and
social graces. I think a
hand written Thank you
note is asking too much.
Some people dont know
how to write. Some people
who do know how to write,
dont know how to spell.
Text
messages
afford
people who cant spell the
luxury of autocorrect. Auto
correct isnt available on a
plain piece of paper. I do,
however, agree that people
who dont RSVP should be
publicly shamed. In fact, I
propose a mandate that
public shaming take place
on YouTube, Facebook,
Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest,
StumbleUpon, Reddit and
Google +. And, if the
accused individual(s) does
not have an account on
those sites, he/she should
be required to sign up for
them so that they can be
shamed.
Sincerely,
Mom with
Leftovers

too

Many

Dear Monica

Thank you tree guys for

removing the unsightly
pine trees in the front yard.

Dear Monica,
My wife wants me to
make dinner but I dont
know how to cook. What
should I do?
- Hopelessly Hungry

Dear Monica,
My husband hides in
our bathroom with his iPad
for over an hour each day.
What should I do?
- Toilet Crazed

To the garden lady down

the street. Do not purse
you lips at the absence of
my trees. You did not pick
up pine cones or rake pine
needles. Theyre gone. Get
over it.

Dear Hopelessly Hungry,

There is this large
rectangular object in your
kitchen called a refrigerator. Inside youll see
food. And dont forget to
clean up.

Dear Toilet Crazed,

Turn off your modem.
Thatll get him off the pot
real quick.

Sunday, June 21, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition XXI

Horoscope

Classifieds
For Sale

Wanted

For Hire

Pilcrow

Fish bowl with

blue rocks. Cat
keeps eating my
fish so I give up.

Looking for the

book Fight Club.
I cant talk about
it anymore.

Goats. Will keep

lawn
trimmed
and shrubbery
pruned.
Will
also eat your
vegetable garden.

Looking
for
scrap gold and
silver jewelry.
Not
costume
jewelry.
Will
take flatware.

Xbox and game

cartridges. All
accessories
included
and
games
work
great.
Selling
because I went
through puberty.

Unwanted
lawnmowers. I
will put to work
any
unwanted
lawnmowers.
Will also take
unwilling
mowers.

Musical director.
Need someone
to write or create
a
musical
soundtrack for
my daily life. I
think it would
make my routine
more fun and
interesting.
Music
would
follow me and
express
my
current state as
well as forebode
any
mood
swings or doom.

Mini
Cooper
rear
quarter
panel. Respond
to this ad in the
personals. Use
the words Hot
Wheels.

Want my old car

back. I traded it
in for a car that I
dont like as
much as I liked
my old one. Will
swap.

Exclamation
Point

Interrobang
Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand
Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

Interpretive
dance
interpreter. Best
if you can also
sign.

Because
Sign

Sudoku

*
!

&

Dagger

May 21 June 20
June 21 July 22
July 23 Aug 22
Aug 23 Sept 22
Sept 23 Oct 22
Oct 23 Nov 21
Nov 22 Dec 21

You will have to make a

decision. No one else will.
You feel good about
yourself. Dont let others
take that away from you.
The clouds break and the
sun shines on you today.
Things are turning up.
You are gridlocked right
now. Wait and the situation
will unknot itself.
Take control and steer the
ship. Others will follow
your lead.
Focus on one thing at a
time to keep conflicts to a
minimum.
Dont get to self-absorbed.
Pay attention to your
direction and friends.
Finish what youve started
and
stop
being
a
perfectionist.
Being driven is great but
you must also adapt to
changes.

Dec 22 Jan 19

You will be hit with an

unexpected turn of events.

Jan 20 Feb 18

People are jealous of your

bravery and determination.

Feb 19 March 20

You are feeling emotional

and vulnerable. Hide until
it passes.

*
Cryptogram

&

@ #

April 20 May 20

?
*

March 21
- April 19

Authority
Point

Octothorpe

&

&
Answer in next weeks paper

?
.

One of the greatest gifts parents can give their

children is the assurance that Mom and Dad love
them just as they are, apart from anything they do.
- Max Lucado

Answer for last papers puzzle