Reborn on the Fourth of July

By
Tom Pilotte

A "Tom and Jay" cartoon idea

Thomas Pilotte, 2015

EXT. TOM AND JAYS HOUSE - FRONT LAWN - NIGHT

TOM and JAY are in a foxhole in the front yard. There are
numerous char marks and shell blasts in the lawn. Jay hands
Tom a large firecracker that closely resembles a stick of
dynamite.
JAY
Here, try this one.
Tom emerges from the foxhole and runs toward the front of
the house, where most of the damage has occurred. Tom pulls
out a roll of duct tape and fastens the stick to the hand of
a mannequin resembling Adolf Hitler. Tom lights the firework
and scurries back to the foxhole.
Tom and Jay both put on green army helmets and sunglasses.
TOM
Hit it.
Jay pulls out a boom box and pushes the play button. "STARS
AND STRIPS FOREVER" BLARES from the speakers.
The fuse burns down on the stick of dynamite until it
EXPLODES, leaving Hitler, and most of the front of the
house, in shambles.
Tom and Jay take a moment to let everything set in, and then
begin hooting and hollering.
TOM
Yeah, take that, Hitler!
JAY
(chanting)
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
TOM
We are *so* ready for the Fourth of
July fireworks competition
tomorrow!
A green glow appears over Tom and Jay, eventually
materializing into the GHOST OF GEORGE WASHINGTON.
WASHINGTON
(ghostly voice)
Tom! Jay!
TOM
Who the hell are you?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.
WASHINGTON
I am the ghost of George
Washington!
JAY
Aw, jeez. Are you here to haunt us
because we got ridiculously drunk
at Mount Vernon last year and threw
up in your old bedroom?
WASHINGTON
I have come here on an urgent--

Washington stops after he realizes what Jay has just said.

WASHINGTON
(not ghostly, but angry)
--Wait, that was *you* that threw
up in my bedroom at Mount Vernon?
TOM
Yeah, like all over the place. Now
that we know better, I would advise
not to add your own worms to
tequila, drink all of the tequila,
and then eat the worms.
WASHINGTON
It took the parks department three
weeks to clean up the mess you guys
made in there!
JAY
Can you get to the point? Its kind
of creeping me out how youre just
hovering over us.
WASHINGTON
Yes, well-Washington clears his throat.
WASHINGTON
(again, ghostly voice)
--I, the father of American
democracy, have come here on an
urgent mission to help you
understand the *true* meaning of
Independence Day!
JAY
Are you saying that you dont want
us to blow up Hitler? Dude, are you
racist or something?
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

TOM
Yeah, thats some commie B.S. right
there.
WASHINGTON
(not ghostly)
What? No! Our great nation has lost
its way, and we need you two to
show everyone the light and save
America!
JAY
Whatever, weve saved America
thousands of times--literally,
thousands of times.
Washington looks at Jay, unimpressed.
JAY
OK, one time.
Washington looks at Jay again, unimpressed.
JAY
OK, we might be on the terror watch
list. But we dont need the help of
a ghost of a dude who wears wigs
and ladies stockings to save
America.
WASHINGTON
Then let me help you understand by
taking you on a journey through
Americas past!
TOM
Well, maybe. Lets vote on it.
WASHINGTON
Vote?
TOM
Yeah, vote on what we do
next--unless that would upset the
Father of American democracy?
JAY
Whos also kind of a cross-dresser.
WASHINGTON
Of course not! We shall vote if you
wish.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.

TOM
OK. I vote that, in honor of the
coming Fourth of July holiday, we
should have a hot dog eating
contest.
JAY
(excitedly)
I second!
Washington, looks displeased with what has transpired.
WASHINGTON
Very well; the motion passes one
and three-fifths to one.
TOM
(cheering)
Woo! Democracy rules!
JAY
(also cheering)
U.S.A.! U.S.-(stops cheering, upset)
Wait, "one and three-fifths?"
Whats up with that?
WASHINGTON
Well, in my time, the population of
Negroes only counted three-fifths
toward its overall population. Your
vote only counts as that figure.
Tom looks at Jay, not knowing what to think until he bursts
out in hysterical laughter.
TOM
(laughing)
Hahaha! Did you hear that?! The
Father of American democracy says
youre only three fifths of a
person!
Jay punches Tom in the groin. Tom falls to the ground.
TOM
(in pain)
I dont care! It was worth it!
NICK approaches from the sidewalk, off screen.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

NICK
Hey, guys. I noticed that theres
less explosions over here than
usual. What gives?
TOM
Were being haunted by the ghost of
George Washington.
Nick looks up and notices the glowing spirit of Washington.
NICK
(excited)
Oh my God! President Washington! It
is such an honor to meet you!
WASHINGTON
And I you, whatever your name is.
NICK
Say, Mr. President, would you be
interested in hearing my fifty-six
point plan on how we can improve
America?
WASHINGTON
Um, well, I dont know if we really
have time. I was about to show
these young men the true meaning
of...
NICK
(interrupting)
Point one: Eliminate the free
school lunch program. Point two:
Use all of the starved childrens
corpses as fuel for our power
plants, eliminating our dependency
on foreign oil. Three-WASHINGTON
(interrupting Nick)
Yes, yes, it sounds very
interesting. Maybe you should write
it all out and give it to me after
Im done here.
NICK
Wait a minute. Are you trying to
ditch me?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

6.

WASHINGTON
I cannot tell a lie. You are
extremely boring and I want you to
leave.
JAY
Yeah, go get your own ghost of a
dead president, dick.
Nick glumly leaves to go back to his house.
WASHINGTON
That guy is more annoying than
Alexander Hamilton!
TOM
Yeah, no kidding.
JAY
Do you think we could conjure up
Aaron Burrs ghost and have him
shoot Nick in the face?
WASHINGTON
Im afraid we havent time. I still
must show you the way to save
America!
JAY
Oh no you dont. We voted on a hot
dog eating contest, and youre not
getting out of it.
WASHINGTON
(reluctantly)
Very well.
TOM
But well need judges. You have
anyone who can help us with that?
Washington disappears for a moment, then reappears with the
ghosts of ABRAHAM LINCOLN, FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT (floating in
his wheelchair), and CHESTER A. ARTHUR.
WASHINGTON
I bring before you the greatest
three presidents in our nations
history! Abraham Lincoln, Franklin
Delano Roosevelt, and Chester A.
Arthur!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

7.

JAY
(confused)
Chester A. Arthur? Who the hell is
that? Was he even a president?
ARTHUR
(to Washington)
I told you they wouldnt know who I
was.
WASHINGTON
Dont worry about it. Nixon was
busy.
ROOSEVELT
Doing what?
WASHINGTON
Shining Satans shoes.
LINCOLN
That makes sense.
TOM
He is pretty much a terrible human
being.
ARTHUR
Tell him to shine my shoes next.
JAY
I dont know who "Nixon" is either.
TOM
Okay, so we have our judges, so...
(yelling)
Lets get ready to...
Jay puts his hand over Toms mouth, silencing him.
JAY
Shut up! You want to get sued by
Michael Buffer?
TOM
Oh, good call.
(in a boring voice)
Lets have a hot dog eating
contest.

8.

INT. TOM AND JAYS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

LATER, hot dog eating contest. Tom wins, but throws up, and
Jay is declared the victor. Lincoln, Arthur, and FDR start
cracking open beers and getting crazy.
Washington looks distressed at all of the drinking chaos. At
that moment, the GHOST OF THOMAS JEFFERSON appears next to
Washington.
JEFFERSON
Hey, G.W.! Hows it hangin?
WASHINGTON
Not good, Jefferson. I am trying to
teach these young men the true
meaning of Fourth of July, but I
forgot that every other dead
president is a raging alcoholic.
Theres no way Ill be able to save
America with these-JEFFERSON
(interrupting)
Yeah, thats great, dude. Im going
to go get a beer.
Jefferson floats over to the other part of the room, where
Tom, Jay, Arthur, Lincoln, and F.D.R. are in the process of
chugging bottles of beer. Tom finishes first, followed by
F.D.R., Jay, Arthur, and finally Lincoln.
TOM
Jeez, Lincoln. For such a
distinguished orator, your throat
doesnt work very well for chugging
beers.
LINCOLN
I cannot tell a lie: I was never
much of a drinker.
JAY
"You cannot tell a lie?" I thought
that was Washington who said that.
LINCOLN
Oh, yeah. I guess it was. Im just
really drunk and forgot, I guess!
The group LAUGHS heartily. Jefferson enters the group.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

9.

JEFFERSON
Hello, everyone!
GROUP
Jefferson!
ARTHUR
How the hell are you, Jeff?
JEFFERSON
Im quite well, thank you.
Jefferson notices Jay.
JEFFERSON
Say there, might you have any hot
sisters that I can go haunt?
JAY
What? Hell no, dude! Thats gross!
TOM
(to Jay)
What are you talking about?
(to Jefferson)
His older sister is bangin!
JAY
Shut up, dude!
JEFFERSON
Might I inquire as to the location
of this older sister?
JAY
No. Stay the hell away from my
sister, please.