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y
{338}{425}Kids, in life there are a lot of big romantic moments.
{428}{465}And they make life worth living.
{470}{497}But here's the problem:
{504}{533}moments pass,
{544}{609}and lurking just around the corner from those moments
{611}{701}is a cruel, unshaven bastard named reality.
{710}{767}And so, back in 2006,
{768}{827}on the night of Claudia and Stuart's wedding,
{830}{870}reality was the enemy.
{877}{927}Wow. The Peace Corps?
{929}{989}Yeah. I ship out tomorrow-- two years.
{1018}{1114}You know, some people say the Peace Corps is the most noble thing a
person can do.
{1116}{1166}To those people, I say, "Is it?"
{1168}{1235}And usually they say, "Yes, it is."
{1249}{1294}Barney, they are so right.
{1297}{1342}I wish there was something I could do.
{1350}{1379}Oh, Tanya...
{1385}{1427}I'm so glad you said that.
{1463}{1526}This wasn't how I'd thought the night would turn out.
{1541}{1616}This was finally supposed to be my big moment with Robin.
{1629}{1665}But then reality came along.
{1688}{1771}Robin got called up last-minute to anchor the 11:00 news.
{1775}{1808}It was her big break.
{1812}{1871}And I went to the wedding stag.
{1880}{1940}Then, when I least expected it...
{2196}{2266}Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?
{2269}{2343}I had the most amazing night ever.
{2346}{2414}Tell me about it. That cake. Best cake I ever had.
{2416}{2459}Seriously. My stomach was, like,
{2461}{2523}"Hey, bro, I don't know what you're eating, 'cause I don't have any
eyes,
{2525}{2595}but it's basically awesome, so keep sending it down Gullet Alley."
{2598}{2623}Yeah, I know.
{2625}{2725}My stomach was, like, "Girlfriend, we don't always get along, but th
at cake..."
{2727}{2747}Lily.
{2769}{2848}Oh, right. "Most amazing night ever," and go.
{2867}{2928}You know, I should tell you, I have a rule.
{2935}{2983}I never hook up at weddings.
{2996}{3047}I'm guessing you haven't always had this rule.
{3052}{3135}Well, here's the thing, those big romantic moments,
{3137}{3206}they're great when they happen, but they're not real.
{3208}{3302}Exactly, exactly-- like-like just now, when I saw you doing the chic
ken dance out there,
{3304}{3365}I'm not gonna lie to you, big-time thunderbolt.
{3367}{3414}Mm. You should see me tap dance.
{3419}{3456}You'd be down on bended knee.
{3467}{3509}Sadly not out of character.
{3523}{3575}But I know now it's just a mirage.
{3579}{3612}Wedding goggles.
{3617}{3705}Exactly. And that, in a nutshell, is why I'm not putting the moves o
n you.
{3710}{3741}This isn't the moves?
{3743}{3783}What, you... you think this is the moves?
{3785}{3828}Believe me, you'd know the moves.
{3830}{3891}People ten tables away would know the moves.
{3893}{3932}Oh, that's too bad.

{3934}{3961}Tell me about it.

{3979}{4055}You know, I think... I have a solution.
{4057}{4082}Interested.
{4084}{4180}And to preface this, we're not gonna sleep together tonight.
{4182}{4212}Less interested.
{4235}{4251}Go ahead.
{4253}{4273}Okay.
{4276}{4362}So the thing that always screws it up is the next day.
{4364}{4409}Right? So...
{4413}{4478}Why don't we just cut that part out?
{4480}{4499}What are you saying?
{4501}{4627}I'm saying, I'm here, you're here, this is a big romantic wedding-{4629}{4716}why don't we just dance and have a great time,
{4718}{4791}and then when it's over, never see each other again.
{4837}{4902}- Unless...|- No. No unless.
{4905}{4997}No e-mails, no phone numbers, not even names.
{5004}{5132}Tonight we will make a memory that will never be tarnished.
{5140}{5207}And then... when we're old and gray,
{5209}{5259}we'll look back on this night
{5262}{5300}and it'll be perfect.
{5344}{5363}Wow.
{5423}{5457}- Okay, I'm in.|- Okay.
{5459}{5508}I guess, uh, what, we'll need fake names?
{5512}{5587}Um... you can call me Buttercup.
{5602}{5642}Pleased to meet you, Buttercup.
{5645}{5697}I'm... Lando Calrissian.
{5733}{5797}Wow, this is kind of exciting. Our names will forever be shrouded...
{5800}{5843}Ted, Ted, Ted. Look, I got a bridesmaid.
{5845}{5899}Ted, look, look, Ted, the second hottest bridesmaid.
{5901}{5931}Ted, look. See ya, Ted.
{6027}{6054}So, I'm Ted.
{6064}{6088}Victoria.
{6116}{6164}- But no last names.|- No last names.
{6204}{6275}Oh, what is wrong with you?
{6278}{6377}Dude, that is just, like... a weenie-ass idea.
{6380}{6434}No, it was awesome-- I had a great night,
{6437}{6497}I'm never gonna see her again, and there's no way to ruin it.
{6506}{6543}Ted, how do I explain this to you?
{6582}{6629}Last night I ate the best cake of my life.
{6636}{6674}Now, you think I'm gonna let that cake out of my life?
{6675}{6719}Hell, no. I'm gonna find out what bakery made that cake,
{6721}{6765}and then I'm gonna get some more cake.
{6780}{6824}That cake really got to you, huh?
{6829}{6859}It haunts me.
{6892}{6935}So, what happened next?
{6946}{6964}Okay.
{6984}{7027}Ground rules have been established.
{7031}{7107}Now let's see some of these moves I've heard so much about.
{7267}{7297}Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
{7322}{7428}Let's do all the single ladies in this joint a big favor and steal t
he bouquet.
{7430}{7504}Yes, but we'll need... a diversion.
{7522}{7577}- Kiss!|- Kiss!
{7613}{7658}Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
{7660}{7683}Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
{7686}{7750}So that's what happened to the bouquet.
{7760}{7851}You know, good for Victoria. It's such an evil tradition.
{7865}{7897}You're not gonna do it at your wedding?
{7899}{7977}Hell, yeah, I'm gonna take that flower-grenade and chuck it into the
crowd

{7979}{8037}and scream, "Crawl for it, bitches!"

{8062}{8096}That's just what girls do.
{8129}{8158}So, where'd you guys go?
{8428}{8450}Very nice.
{8453}{8474}Yeah?
{8538}{8568}Okay, I don't really know how to tap dance.
{8569}{8608}I couldn't tell. Really.
{8662}{8737}Well, it's too bad you're not gonna get some tonight.
{8746}{8804}Oh, if I wanted some, I could get some.
{8806}{8832}No, you couldn't.
{8846}{8872}You're a dude.
{8890}{8934}- I could get some.|- You could totally get some.
{9073}{9109}We're not gonna kiss tonight.
{9167}{9255}If-if we kiss, all of this becomes real.
{9258}{9317}You-you might use too much tongue.
{9327}{9404}I might not use enough. And then suddenly, poof, spell's broken.
{9406}{9465}I will use exactly the right amount of tongue.
{9513}{9546}Okay, how about this?
{9595}{9709}The best part of any first kiss is the lead-up to it.
{9712}{9869}The moment right before the lips touch. It's like a big drumroll.
{9872}{10015}So... how about tonight, we just stick with the drumroll?
{10057}{10078}Okay.
{10080}{10108}But we can't kiss.
{10133}{10167}Okay.
{10653}{10689}A drumroll?
{10694}{10718}That's it?
{10726}{10815}So, what, you just... you said good night, came home and...
{10823}{10868}performed a drum solo?
{10893}{10949}Oh, Ted, you're such a doof!
{10952}{10995}I mean, this girl sounds amazing.
{10997}{11040}She was completely amazing.
{11043}{11143}She was amazing and funny, and we connected on every level,
{11145}{11188}and I'm never gonna see her again.
{11237}{11271}Damn it, I have to see her again!
{11274}{11305}- Yes!|- Yes!
{11324}{11380}So let's get to work, man. What else do you know about her?
{11382}{11444}Nothing. Her name's Victoria-- that's all I got.
{11446}{11488}Wait, Claudia, Claudia would know.
{11490}{11524}Well, Claudia's on her honeymoon.
{11526}{11571}She'll be back in two weeks-- call her then.
{11573}{11621}Yes, two weeks. Good idea.
{11623}{11646}I'm calling her now.
{11649}{11710}No, Ted, you don't mess with a honeymoon.
{11712}{11745}Yeah, come on, dude.
{11748}{11775}Ask her about the cake.
{11854}{11872}Ted?
{11875}{11968}Hey, Claudia! Great wedding, beautiful toast, touching stuff.
{11971}{12042}How's the honeymoon? Listen, I'm calling because last night I met
this girl,
{12044}{12090}and I was wondering if you had...
{12092}{12165}Oh, you have got to be freaking kidding me!
{12167}{12198}Aw, here we go.
{12200}{12313}24 hours ago, you were begging... begging me to bring some other g
irl to my wedding,
{12315}{12363}and now, well, uh, you're over her?
{12373}{12402}I've moved on?
{12429}{12449}What was her name?
{12451}{12474}Is it my fat cousin Lindsay?
{12477}{12516}Don't be embarrassed-- she has pretty eyes.
{12521}{12595}Uh, no. Her name was Victoria. I don't know her last name.

{12597}{12697}Well, lucky for you, I know that guest list backwards and forwards
.
{12702}{12726}Thank God.
{12739}{12828}Unlucky for you, there was no Victoria at my wedding. Good-bye, Te
d.
{12977}{13028}There was no Victoria at the wedding.
{13038}{13101}Maybe she used a second fake name.
{13103}{13159}Oh, she's good, she's very good.
{13161}{13193}Maybe she was ghost.
{13202}{13249}That's why she didn't want to kiss you-{13251}{13314}because you'd just pass right through her and feel really cold for
a second.
{13316}{13373}Oh, my God, I just had a great idea for a screenplay.
{13376}{13429}Marshall... she was not a ghost!
{13436}{13470}I know that she wasn't a ghost.
{13473}{13536}She picked up a bouquet, proving she had corporeal form.
{13568}{13623}Wait-wait! She was sitting across from a couple of bridesmaids.
{13625}{13676}She must've been at their table. Maybe they know who she was.
{13678}{13738}Great. So how do we get in touch with the bridesmaids?
{13839}{13901}This better be good-- I am about to enter Nirvana.
{13905}{13968}By the way, I should get you Nirvana's phone number. She gives a g
reat massage.
{13970}{13993}Say what?!
{13996}{14030}- Barney!|- Ow!
{14047}{14117}I know the house rules. Es un chiste!
{14134}{14204}Listen, Barney, I saw you talking to that bridesmaid last night.
{14206}{14240}Did you happen to get her phone number?
{14242}{14270}You know I did.
{14277}{14340}Great! Um, I'm gonna need you to call her for me.
{14342}{14383}You know I won't.
{14398}{14421}Why not?
{14426}{14470}Because we just hooked up last night.
{14473}{14519}I can't call the girl the next day.
{14521}{14587}I have to wait at least, like... forever.
{14589}{14638}Oh, snap! Never gonna call her.
{14653}{14702}Besides, she thinks I'm on my way to India.
{14705}{14776}Oh, come on, Barney, it's for a good cause.
{14779}{14915}Uh, Ted going all castrati over yet another girl is exactly not a
good cause.
{14918}{14967}Sorry, buddy, I wish I could help you-- my hands are tied.
{14970}{15014}Oh, no, wait-- that was last night.
{15071}{15119}Okay, Barney, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
{15126}{15194}You make this call and I will go with you...
{15216}{15256}to Foxy Boxing.
{15270}{15302}- Really?|- Yeah.
{15307}{15395}But you always said the Foxy Boxing girls were neither foxy not go
od at boxing.
{15397}{15431}I'm ready to be proven wrong.
{15449}{15482}- Tonight?|- Tonight.
{15488}{15509}Dial.
{15531}{15598}Yeah, Tanya, turns out I don't leave for the Peace Corps till tomo
rrow.
{15616}{15661}Yeah, I know. It sucks.
{15663}{15715}Just one fewer day I get to help people.
{15734}{15779}Anyway, this girl-- any idea who she was?
{15804}{15823}Hold on.
{15830}{15893}What kind of shoes was sh... No, Tanya, he's a dude.
{15895}{15947}He's not going to know what kind of shoes she was wearing.
{15949}{15973}Actually...
{15976}{16012}Oh, come on.

{16035}{16050}Hey!
{16110}{16142}So what do you want to do next?
{16147}{16193}Don't think. First thing that comes into your mind.
{16237}{16299}Hold... this...
{16311}{16337}and this...
{16378}{16401}Whoa!
{16421}{16448}There she goes.
{16467}{16575}Apparently she was wearing brown shoes...
{16591}{16644}...with little snowflakes on them.
{16682}{16726}Yeah, they do sound cute.
{16746}{16779}Any idea who...?
{16806}{16846}Okay. Well, thanks anyway.
{16850}{16874}Yeah, you take ca...
{16879}{16896}What's...?
{16914}{16933}Tonight?
{16938}{17033}Well, I'm shipping out pretty early, so I won't be able to stay ov
er,
{17035}{17060}but, yeah, sure, I'd love to.
{17079}{17115}Okay. I'll talk to you later.
{17133}{17180}Sorry, Ted, I won't be able to make Foxy Boxing tonight.
{17182}{17205}I understand.
{17214}{17266}Okay, uh, let's not lose hope.
{17267}{17334}We'll call the hotel. Maybe she was staying there.
{17336}{17408}We'll have them check the registry for anyone named Victoria.
{17410}{17457}Or maybe she goes by Vicky or Tori...
{17459}{17480}Or Ictor.
{17514}{17574}She probably doesn't go by "Ictor."
{17627}{17653}No, you know what?
{17660}{17684}This is fate.
{17687}{17723}I am never supposed to see this girl again.
{17725}{17753}That was the whole point of the night.
{17755}{17807}I have just been saved from myself.
{17809}{17835}Let's drink many beers.
{17838}{17857}Agreed.
{17866}{17907}And I thought that was the end of it.
{17911}{17936}But then...
{18051}{18114}Hey! There's the anchor lady!
{18116}{18136}How was it?
{18138}{18222}Oh, I don't know. Why don't you ask the new substitute weekend anc
hor?
{18224}{18319}Robin? Thanks, Robin! It was awesome. Back to you, Robin.
{18323}{18383}Congrats! That's so cool!
{18386}{18438}Yeah, I felt really bad bailing on Ted, though.
{18441}{18495}Oh, don't even worry about it. In fact...
{18497}{18550}And then Lily told her the whole story,
{18553}{18633}right down to the brown shoes with the little snowflakes on them.
{18635}{18668}And by the end of it...
{18700}{18719}What?
{18745}{18777}I know who she is.
{18865}{18947}You know who she is? But you weren't even at the wedding.
{18954}{19034}Actually, I kind of... was.
{19037}{19059}What?
{19069}{19126}Well, after the newscast, I was so excited
{19128}{19199}I decided to surprise Ted by going to the reception.
{19508}{19543}Oh, damn it!
{19553}{19586}Oh, stop it!
{19594}{19621}What the hell!
{19649}{19670}Hello?
{19687}{19710}You okay in there?
{19713}{19766}Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Um...

{19778}{19838}Just allergies or something.

{19841}{19864}I'm fine.
{19914}{19997}Listen, do you... want to come and cry out here?
{20004}{20056}I've been told I'm an excellent hugger.
{20059}{20083}Oh, thanks.
{20108}{20187}But I don't actually cry in front of people or...
{20201}{20251}cry at all, for that matter.
{20263}{20316}Oh, man, it's gross.
{20340}{20403}Does everyone snot up this much when they cry?
{20415}{20481}Hey, you're speaking to a fellow snotter.
{20550}{20583}So, why are you crying?
{20595}{20660}Because you have feelings for Ted.
{20669}{20697}I don't know.
{20707}{20729}Maybe?
{20733}{20823}Okay, what is wrong with the two of you! Seriously!
{20826}{20921}He likes you and you like him. And j-j-just be together!
{20924}{20987}Cheese Louise! Happiness is not that difficult!
{20989}{21108}Look, okay, yes. I cried in the bathroom and that... was weird.
{21110}{21168}But that doesn't mean I'm in love with the guy.
{21171}{21236}The fact is, I-I don't know how I feel.
{21241}{21274}Yes, you do!
{21277}{21338}Seeing him with someone else and crying about it?
{21340}{21384}Guess what? That's how you feel.
{21386}{21447}That is nothing but how you feel.
{21484}{21520}Okay, fine. I have feelings for him.
{21522}{21542}Happy?
{21546}{21579}Kinda, yeah.
{21624}{21676}But it doesn't change anything.
{21683}{21785}I still don't want to get married and he's still... Ted.
{21799}{21894}What I should do is just tell him who Victoria is so he can be hap
py.
{21896}{21993}Or you could tell him that you're into him and then you could both
be happy.
{22010}{22045}I'm going to go find him.
{22082}{22105}Well, wait.
{22127}{22173}Which one are you going to tell him?
{22194}{22226}I have no idea.
{22260}{22299}And here's the most amazing part-{22301}{22381}Because I told her I'd converted all my money to India dollars,
{22384}{22455}she gave me 50 bucks to take a cab to the airport.
{22457}{22517}That's right. I just got paid for sex.
{22547}{22617}I really should give this money to the Peace Corps. They've done s
o much for me lately.
{22632}{22653}Hi, guys.
{22660}{22679}Hey.
{22684}{22749}Um, Ted, can I talk to you outside for a second?
{22751}{22769}Yeah, sure.
{22773}{22792}What's up?
{22802}{22872}Um... I, uh, I have to tell you something.
{22890}{22908}Oh...
{22913}{22938}Oh, just get it.
{22970}{22985}Hello?
{22987}{23031}Ted? It's Stuart.
{23033}{23093}My lovely bride would like to say something to you.
{23209}{23322}Ted... I'm sorry I hung up on you earlier.
{23324}{23401}My new husband, and the vodka cranberry,
{23403}{23494}which cost $10.50 at the freakin' airport bar...
{23496}{23548}When is this plane going to board?!
{23550}{23570}Sweet pea?
{23638}{23769}...have helped me realize that sometimes I can act like a crazy pe

rson,
{23771}{23867}and I don't want my new husband to think I'm a crazy person.
{23871}{23927}It's fine, Claudia, don't worry about it.
{23933}{24016}Oh, um, Marshall wanted to know where you guys got that cake.
{24019}{24041}The cake?
{24094}{24120}Why don't you take this?
{24168}{24204}Sounds like you could use it.
{24218}{24235}Thanks.
{24240}{24276}You're very sweet.
{24287}{24370}So are you a friend of the bride or groom?
{24372}{24421}We got it at this little bakery downtown.
{24426}{24456}Actually neither.
{24464}{24504}It's called the Buttercup Bakery.
{24507}{24547}Pleased to meet you, Buttercup.
{24552}{24584}I made the cake.
{24659}{24705}She made the cake.
{24801}{24870}She wasn't on the guest list because she wasn't a guest.
{24872}{24908}She made the cake.
{24911}{25008}She made that cake? Ted, this is the girl.
{25010}{25052}You got to marry her. Today.
{25054}{25087}She has to move in with us.
{25095}{25124}I'm going down to that bakery.
{25126}{25156}No, no. Don't do it.
{25158}{25201}Baby, what are you talking about?!
{25217}{25292}Yeah, all day long you been busting my apple-bag about finding thi
s girl.
{25295}{25393}Well, I-I just think that... that maybe she's not that into you.
{25395}{25475}And-and that's why she didn't give you her number.
{25495}{25518}Robin?
{25523}{25585}Care to chime in with anything?
{25623}{25645}Yes.
{25674}{25694}Ted...
{25781}{25801}Go get her.
{25817}{25854}Going. Getting.
{25859}{25901}Ted, oh, my, gosh, I love this moment. You know why?
{25903}{25948}'Cause I'm going to say it, and this time, you're actually going t
o say yes.
{25950}{25975}You ready? You ready to say yes?
{25977}{26014}Ted, suit up.
{26017}{26036}Yes!
{26047}{26061}No.
{26064}{26092}Oh, come on!
{26137}{26193}Whoa. Guess we were gone a while.
{26198}{26237}Oh, that's too bad.
{26239}{26296}I was looking forward to one last dance.
{26814}{26844}Well, yes, I am.
{26861}{26905}Sorry, I could tell what you were just thinking.
{26908}{26946}Wow, what was I just thinking?
{26961}{27027}"Damn, he's looking mighty fine in that tux."
{27053}{27105}- You got me. You are good.|- Yeah. Mmm.
{27116}{27160}You know, I don't look like this every day.
{27169}{27283}On a real weekend, the real Ted wears a pair of jeans and a sweats
hirt with bleach stains on it.
{27284}{27375}Mmm. The real Ted sounds real sexy.
{27408}{27460}Too bad I'll never get to see it.
{27604}{27656}Buttercup Bakery. This is it.
{27659}{27685}Good luck, dude.
{27690}{27721}Grab me a cupcake.
{27805}{27864}Ted? You still with us?
{28175}{28212}Tell me your last name.

{28306}{28365}You know there's one little flaw in our plan.

{28367}{28390}What's that?
{28400}{28460}I'm going to go home tonight with a lot of great memories
{28462}{28515}and one really sucky memory.
{28532}{28586}The memory of you walking out that door.
{28688}{28714}Hey, Ted.
{28727}{28748}Yeah?
{28783}{28817}Close your eyes...
{28840}{28879}and count to five.
{28969}{28991}One...
{29011}{29034}two...
{29061}{29086}three...
{29125}{29149}four...
{29207}{29231}five.
{29523}{29656}And to our dying days we'll remember everything about that night a
s perfect.
{29682}{29717}Maybe we both need that.
{29733}{29781}I mean, so many things go wrong in life
{29783}{29831}but this is the one thing that never will.
{29833}{29875}It will always...
{29893}{29985}always be pure unadulterated awesome.
{30018}{30074}And if I walk in there, I'm robbing both of us...
{30076}{30144}The meter's running, dude. Crap or get off the pot.
{30147}{30171}Yeah, yeah, I'm going.
{30765}{30798}Oh, thank God.
{30966}{31032}Transcripts : Raceman|Subtitles: Willow's Team|www.forom.com
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