Party Like It's 1499!

Holidays got you down? What is it, the fattening foods you know you wont
resist? Is it the fear you wont get that Pet Rock youve been hinting at? No, I
know whats got you down. Its the relatives, right? That tribe of primitives
that always makes the Season fright? Well, if you are one of those people
who normally dreads the holidays because your family is a bunch of
Barbarians, allow me to make some suggestions for a happier Holiday season
this year.
My family didnt invent holiday dysfunction but we may very well have
perfected it. Ive always been a good cook, so this meant the insanity usually
came to my house to celebrate. It took time and maturity on my part before I
finally realized, insanity need not exclude hilarity.
Doesnt laughter make everything better? Ive learned to mellow some in my
midlife years; Ive learned that if I cant beat em (I cant run as fast carrying
a big club as I used to), I should just kick back and enjoy the fun. I mean, say
what you want about those guys in the animal skin pants, theyre not all
wrong--those guys know how to party. So without further ado, here are my
tips for surviving the holidays when the Barbarians are coming to your
castle:
Add some excitement to the dinner. Stow a battle axe (no, Im not referring
to your mother-in-law) nearby the roasted ham. You cant imagine the
childrens glee thats generated when your crazy uncle uses it for carving.
Sure, a little food may fly, but my goodness, what did they think you meant
by a six coarse dinner. Geez;
Add some suspense to the party. Put the family bitch in charge of the
cauldron of burning pitch, and seat her next to your brother, the court jester.
Then, have everyone bet on what time she rolls out the catapult;
Add some culture to the mix. Yes, Barbarians are by very definition,
uncivilized. So why not introduce a little refinement? Offer a prize to the
Hun with the nicest fur, plan to attend a Midnight Mass marauding, or try
singing some nostalgic Barbarian Christmas Carrols: Jingle Bones, It Came
Upon A Midnight Spear, Silent Knight, Oh Cannon-Bomb, Rudolph the Rednosed Philistine, and that timeless favorite, Chestnuts Roasting oer a
Grecian Fire; and, lastly,

Add some fun for the kids. Make games a part of your new holiday tradition.
Here are some time-tested mini-Barb favorites: Pin the Mace on the Face,
Red Rover Red Rover Trebuchet a Man Over, Grand Theft Battling Ram, Keep
Away From the Celts, and my personal favorite, the Scavenger Hun.
So remember, even if you have always dreaded the holidays of yore, with a
little imagination (and a whole lot of mead), you can turn those holidays
blues into Medieval old news. Just remember to keep your sense of humor
about you and party like its 1499!