Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Volume II Edition XXII

Water Issues Are Solved

By LeeAnn Rhoden

Water
issues
are
becoming
more
pronounced it seems.
Some areas seem to have
flooding
and
record
rainfall
while
simultaneously other areas
are
suffering
severe
drought
and
water
restrictions. There are
bureaucracies that are
trying to grasp control of
retention
ponds
and
special interest groups
claiming golf courses are
discriminatory
against
lower income citizens
because they can afford
the exorbitant water bills.
Amid all the turmoil, a
group of scientists have
been conducting feasibility
studies to solve the water
shortage problem. And,
they released their findings
in a 2500 page report to
Congress and the scientific
community.
Essentially, the

scientists suggest icebergs

as the best solution.
Icebergs or chunks of ice
shelf can be towed to the
coastline closest to the
affected
areas.
Giant
containment tanks, similar
to canal locks, would
house these large chunks
of ice. Their melt-off is
processed
in
a
desalinization plant and
piped to the areas in the
most need areas of large
populations first.
Its
a
win-win
proposition.
The
harvesting of ice will
create jobs, the building
and maintaining the tanks
and desalinization tanks
will create jobs, opening
new areas for farming will
create jobs and produce
more food, and the largest
ice shelves are in the
Antarctic where there is no
government to negotiate
limitations and costs.

Old Timer Freaks Out

By Snoop Cubby

Mr. Sweeny celebrated

his 97th birthday last
week. His great-greatgranddaughter,
Mrs.
Williston,
took
the
opportunity to arrange a
combination
family
reunion surprise party at
the nonagenarians home.
I thought it would be
the most wonderful thing
we could give Poppa
Sweeny. All of his
children, and following
generations all together for
the first time.
Instead, the elderly
gentleman became quite
agitated when upwards of
two hundred people

descended upon his home;

most of whom he didnt
know or recognize.
Mrs. Williston had
organized a barbeque
picnic to be held in her
great-great-grandfathers
yard. She failed to
consider
additional
facilities for the number of
people in attendance as his
home had only one
bathroom and an outhouse.
The elderly man shut
himself in his home,
refusing to come out. His
only comment, The world
is upside down. Folks
eating outside and shitting
in the house.

Delivery Company Drops A Bomb

Photo by renjith krishnan,

courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net
By A. Marie Silver

A cargo plane used by

Speedy Delivery Services
Inc. accidentally opened its
cargo bay, releasing all of
its contents over a large
metropolitan
area
on
Tuesday.
Packages falling from
the sky narrowly missed
some homes and businesses,
while other businesses and
residences were not so
lucky.
A 46 smart T.V. landed
in the yard of one lucky
homeowner.
My television broke
last week and I couldnt
afford a new one, said John
Sampson. I prayed and
prayed for a solution and
my prayers were answered
just in time for the next
season of The Bachelor.
Matilda Clyde found her
backyard covered in boxes
filled with couture

shoes and handbags.

It was that email
forward I got last week,
she told P&D reporters.
You know -- the ones that
say forward this picture of
a dancing monkey to 25
people in ten minutes and
fortune will rain down on
you. Boy did it ever!
Matildas
ex-husband
wasnt so lucky.
I wish I could tell you
it was fate, said Matilda.
But fate had a helping hand
from me. I sent him that
email forward knowing he
wouldnt do anything with
it. Thats probably why the
sports car he bought with
my alimony payment was
smashed by a washing
machine.
An investigation
revealed a malfunction
within the planes computer
system caused the cargo bay
doors to open. However,
investigators are still trying
to figure out why the cargo
wasnt strapped inside the
plane per federal
regulations.
The staff who loaded
the
plane
is
being
interviewed and we hope to
have answers soon, said
FAA Investigator Tom
Brannan.

Weather

Index

Yup. Its still hot in the

northern hemisphere.
Expect
summer-like
temperatures,
humidity
along the coast, and dry
conditions in the desert
areas.
Be
sure
to
use
sunscreen, parasols, and
hats.

More News..............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor................
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, July 12, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition XXII

Thank You, Hollywood

By Ellie Fitzgerald

Last week, various

news outlets reported that
Ben Affleck and Jennifer
Garner were calling it quits
after ten years of a not-soblissful marriage. While
their split is sad for them
and their three kids,

its actually improved the

quality of my life. For
once, the headlines are no
longer
fretting
over
McDreamys
untimely
departure from Greys
Anatomy. This is probably
the only time Ill every say
this so pay attention
Thank you, Hollywood!

Your Dreams are about to come true!

The July issue is coming!

Rants & Raves

To the people who live
down the street,
Thank you very much
for the fireworks show you
set off in my front yard at
three oclock in the
morning. My favorite part
was where you woke up
my baby. It took me 45
minutes to get her to go
back to sleep. Next time
use your own yard.

To my wonderful husband,
Thank you for letting
me sleep-in last Saturday.
It was nice to get the
morning off.
To the maniac on I-95,
Why no, I cannot go
any faster. Thank you so
much for asking and for
also signing in case I
couldnt hear you. Ass.

Editorial

Letter to Editor

By Sham Farce

Summer is a time of
relaxation
and
rejuvenation.
Everyone
needs a break every now
and then. The kids are off
from school and so it
stands to reason that would
be the optimal time for a
family vacation. After all,
with no one watching the
kids, then the parents have
to stay home too. Not that
a family vacation is very
relaxing for parents.
It is in light of the
hiatus Pilcrow & Dagger
took for the last two
weeks, that we support a
mandatory vacation period
for everyone. If they do it
in Europe, they can do it
here in the US. With a few
differences, of course.
Pilcrow & Dagger
supports a vacation period
be offered to all full time
employees of no less than
2 weeks per year, 1 week
for part time employees.
Non-employees
are
ineligible for vacation.
Vacation time is to be
taken at the discretion of
the employer and for no
more than one week at a
time. Vacation time is also
unpaid so the employer can
use the employees pay to
hire the temp taking their
place for the week.
Have a good time!

Dear Mr. Farce,

This letter is in
reference to a blog post
written by one of your
editors this past week. The
post was about claiming
inspiration by getting
outside and taking a look at
the people around you. The
article even encouraged
people-watching.
The
problem with this article is
that it didnt set any
ground rules for peoplewatching. And, as it turns
out, theres a fine line
between people-watching
and stalking, as I learned
the hard way this week.
The next time you
authorize one of your
editors to right such an
article, please require them
to be specific and provide
examples of unacceptable
forms of people-watching.
For
example,
peoplewatchers should not follow
their targets into public
restrooms, or follow them
home and watch them with
a pair of night-vision
binoculars from a tree in
their yard.
My bail has been set at
$5,000. I hold you
responsible for my arrest.
Therefore, I kindly request
that you pay my bail fees
so I can escape this
madhouse.
Sincerely,
Jailbird JoJo

Dear Monica
Dear Monica,
Pilcrow & Dagger hasnt
published a newspaper in
two weeks. Ive never felt
more lost or incomplete.
What should I do?
Sincerely,
Lost Without You

Dear Monica,
I have recurring dreams
that I am swimming
upstream against a strong
current trying to reach a
destination. What does that
mean?
- Gilly

Dear Lost,
Get Hulu and watch
some reruns.

Dear Gilly,
It probably means you
need to get up to pee.

Sunday, July 12, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition XXII

Classifieds
For Sale
Star Wars toys,
dolls,
bobbleheads, and lunch
boxes.
Prices
vary according
to
condition.
Available
at
Nerd Zone.
Bowling shoes
mens size 10
1/2. Used.
Camping
tent
and stove. Tent
has burn hole in
the floor. Still
fine
if
not
raining.
Use
stove outside of
tent.
Mini
Cooper
steering wheel.
Respond to this
ad
in
the
personals. Use
the words Hot
Wheels.

Wanted
Ocean view or
beach
front
cottage,
hammock, slider, fire
pit,
kayak,
canoe,
cool
breezes and a
glass of wine.
Mating
minks
and
hutch.
Winter
is
coming.
Lava
lamps.
Color is not
important. All
colors accepted.
Must still work
and goop must
goop properly.

Punch bowl with

ladle and cups.
Also looking for
spiked
punch
recipe.

Horoscope
Notices
The Sneak Peek
for the July
Pilcrow
&
Dagger
is
available to view
at www.pilcrow

Pilcrow
Exclamation
Point

Interrobang

dagger.com/issues.

Be sure to check
it out. You can
subscribe for an
annual
subscription or you
can pre-order a
single issue at

Ampersand

www.pilcrowdagger.com/subscriptions. Digital

Irony
Mark

versions will be
available also.

Section
Sign

Submissions are
being accepted
for a little while
longer for the
August
issue.
Get yours in
quickly!

Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign

21
-March
April 19
20 ! April
May 20
21 May
June 20
21 ? June
July 22
July 23 Aug 22
23 & Aug
Sept 22

Authority
Point
Because
Sign
Octothorpe
Dagger

Time to start taking care of

yourself. You look terrible.
Want a relationship? Join a
dating service.
Quit procrastinating and do
something productive.
You have a spending problem.
Stop before you go broke.
Tolerance and generosity is
the theme of the day.
Bring people together but dont
join in their activities.

Sept 23 Oct 22

Seeing is believing except

when it comes to faith.

Oct 23 Nov 21

Love is in the air! Enjoy every

minute of that heady feeling!

Nov 22 Dec 21

Youre a little psychic today.

Take advantage of it.

Dec 22 Jan 19

It takes hard work to reach

your goals not just wishing.

Jan 20 Feb 18

Learn to compromise or find

someone else to live with.

Feb 19 March 20

Do what you have to do to

protect your loved ones.

Sudoku

Sudoku

@ &

& @

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# @

&

&

@ #

@ &

&

&

* @

&

* @

* @ ?

&

Answer from last weeks paper

#
.

#
#

&
?

@ #
.

&
#

@
:

Answer in next weeks paper