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Building On Greatness - The Cour - Daniel Gutierrez
Building On Greatness - The Cour - Daniel Gutierrez
EBOOK EDITION
800-987-7771
www.insightpublishing.com
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INTRODUCTION
How did I come to be me? What a stacked question!
To answer that question you must embark on a journey. If
you are willing to face your truth, do the work, and conquer your
demons, you will find infinite answers to that question. You wont,
however, find them all, since each of our paths to self-discovery is
lifelong and ever-evolving.
A crucial step in finding yourself and your purpose is
acknowledging the role that energy plays in your fate. The universe
gives us what we focus onwe co-create our own reality.
In order to overcome, persevere, and grow, we need to extract
lessons from those around us. Listen to and learn from others
words have power.
Even though each path to self-discovery is unique, there are
common threads that link us all. We all struggle and we all
experience triumph. We all endure confusion and we all have
revelations. We have all felt lost but we will all find our way.
We have all felt alone, but none of us are alone. God is in
everything and with us all, all the time.
I have often said, We all bond in our brokenness. It is there
that we find the common denominator, our humanness, or our
connection to everything that lives, giving us hope. This
compilation of stories of self-love, self-acceptance, forgiveness,
and knowing highlights fourteen writers who are inspirational in a
myriad of ways. I asked them to bare their souls so you can see
that you were not alone in your experiences. They teach us about
pain, fear, acceptance, unconditional love, learning from our
mistakes, passion, energy, and breaking the cycle. They teach us
that we can all have the courage to thrive no matter what life
throws our way.
These authors did not express their deepest lessons so that
you would feel sorry for them or idolize them. Their only goal was
for you to open your mind and your heart and allow these stories
to resonate. You will find that these authors have experienced what
you have experienced or are experiencing and give you the courage
they had to not only step into their greatness, but build on it and
thrive!
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firefighters, and paramedics were all there helping out the people
who were in the car and checking on Pablo and me.
M y first relief was that my son and I seemed physically
unharmed. However, emotionally, I was definitely in shock.
This was just the beginning of my journey to my spiritual
awakening. Later, in that same night, we went home. As I fell
asleep while reading a childrens book to Pablo, I was filled with a
deep sense of peace and gratitude.
As the days went by, I felt my bodys physical abilities
debilitating. Little by little, the original pain from the day of the
accident intensified. The whole left side of my body, particularly
my upper body, shoulder, neck, head, hips, and legs slowly
developed chronic pain. At the same time, I began to have stronger
mood swings; my anger and frustration was building up. At the
time of the accident, I was in good physical condition; I was
playing weekly volleyball and keeping up with my sons soccer
and sporting activities. I developed physical pain that I had never
experienced.
Little by little it became more difficult to walk, to get out of
bed, and to spend time doing my daily activities without pain in
my back, hips, and most of my bodys left side. Sleeping and
resting became more difficult. I began to exteriorize my deep level
of unhappiness, frustration, and anger. Rather than show it outside
my house, I slowly began isolating myself. I did minimal things
outside and inside my home. This went on for about four months,
on into the spring of 2004.
comfortable. I did not hear her say any words; she just placed her
hands above my body as I lay there face up. I let her do what she
needed to do. It didnt seem to take any time or make much
difference. During the treatment, she did not touch me. She
explained that she was working with my ancestral spirits and with
my aura field. At that time I did not believe in or think of them at
all. She talked a bit about helping the energy flow and removing
blockages.
I was not sure what to believe and figured that I would try
anything that might help. All I remember after the first treatment is
feeling lighter. During the treatment, all I felt was a brisk, cold wind
coming my way at certain points while her hands were above my
upper body and head. She explained to me that energy blockages
do not allow things in my life to go as smoothly as I would like.
This idea of having this experience of the car accident, and meeting
Susan was the start of a deep, personal, and spiritual awakening
entering my mind and body. That night, I fell to sleep easily.
Soon after the treatment, I increasingly felt lighter and things
just seemed to shift gradually without me noticing. I am not sure
how much was her work and how much was my mind shift; I was
willing to do anything it took to come out of this emotional and
physical conundrum that the car accident had caused. During the
weeks and months following the car accident, I felt like I was being
strangled. Anxiety and relationship conflicts with my husband
increased. He was not happy, I was not happy and the children
were caught in the middle, also unhappy.
Vancouver for more than ten years but I knew there were many
other churches I could attend to explore Christianity. I had not
joined a church group after completing high school in Nicaragua,
more than eighteen years ago.
I began to reflect on Susans healing hand treatment as one
step in my path to recovery. It stimulated my spiritual awakening,
helping me overcome my fear of the supernatural and deepening
my desire to learn about it. The supernatural and spiritual
manifestations of another dimension were, for sure, something I
feared and kept away from my life as much as possible. Although I
was open to learning through university and the social sciences, I
pretty well stayed away from the esoteric. Part of me began to
slowly realiz e that in order to overcome current and future
challenges I needed to continue to read, experiment, and learn.
M oreover, I needed it to let go of the past, and keep moving toward
wellness, forgiveness, love, and abundance.
Eating Up my Words: It Is Okay to Cry in the Shower!
Despite my hesitation, by M arch 2004, I began visiting a Spanishspeaking Christian church two blocks from my house. I felt a
degree of comfort in speaking my native language and giving my
kids the opportunity to connect with Spanish-speaking families. I
attended this local church for about four years.
While attending, I spent much time studying the Bible and
trying to find teachings to guide my life. Returning to church
helped me confess that I had been wrong before about my denial of
God and spiritual laws; I was solely a materialist and a communist
people I knew at church did not agree with many of the practices I
was encountering and my new beliefs. It became a natural process
to out grow t his exp erience t hat led me t o be p art of a
bigger communit y of conscious evolut ion and in-dep t h
universal spirituality.
All the techniques and approaches to a better life pointed to
one same belief: everything is energy and what you think about
expands. Everything is energy. We are what we think. What we think
about expands. The only way forward is to embrace where you are,
gain clarity, and work on a clear direction toward what you want to
be, what you want to do, what you want to have, where you want to
go, who do you want to meet, and so on.
The Key is Within You: Some Conclusions
M ost of the time, the various forms of healing and
treatments were part of my search for answers to my emotional
crisis, chronic pain, and depression. The strategies were an
opportunity for me to learn about my body, mind, and spirit, to
learn about energy, and my ability to respond to challenges. I
believe that my near-death experience of a car accident, followed
by the healing hands treatment, acted as catalysts and gave me my
desire to learn, shift my awareness, and go deep in to my
resourceful nature. I came out of the mental fog that exists in states
of depression, post-traumatic stress, and chronic pain. These
experiences allowed me to learn and work on how to remain
empowered and in alignment with my spiritual self and the material
world.
knew t his was very, very wrong. Ive got so much t o offer.
Im a remarkable communicator and I wasnt allowed to talk. I
was attached to a computer and totally suppressed.
So I went within to my Higher Self for guidance and said,
This is so wrong! What am I meant to do?
I heard a little voice come through. It was my guardian angel
and he said, Well, what do you want to do?
Well, I said, I think I want to travel the world.
I was twenty-six then and I was in my Saturn Return cycle.
Everyone goes through his or her Saturn Return cycle from, say
twenty-six to thirty-two years of age. Up until then, everyone
usually does what parents/teachers/society/others want or expect
them to do in life. When the Saturn Return sets in, thats when we
all start looking within and stepping out and creating our own life
the way we are meant to, in our own perfect destiny alignment.
Have you heard of people who study at university all those
years and, when they finally leave, actually do something
completely different in their career? At this time, we all experience
a big change.
Think back to where you made your big life change.
Because of this, I was already having second thoughts about
how I was living my life. M y guardian angels asked me what I
actually wanted to do. I said that I wanted to travel the world and
they said, Do it. M y first reaction was, No, I dont have the
money.
There it wasit was something we all have. Its a self-
The next day the girl saw the car and bought it. It was all
happening so quickly. M y life changed in a day and a half! I was
on the perfect energy flow of the Universe.
This is how Energy is meant to work. This is whats meant
to happen when youre on a roll and connectedits universal
energy flow. Terrific! And this is what happened.
From there on I had to give two weeks notice at work,
which allowed me time to pack, make arrangements, say my
farewells, and get over the shock of it all. In no time I was flying to
the other side of the world to Europe on my own. I did have some
friends over there at the time I could meet up with. I found it
terrific to travel on my own because I could go wherever I chose,
where I needed to go, do whatever I needed to do, and meet
whomever I needed to meet.
Often, if you make an agenda for where you are to go and
when, you become set in a schedule. Theres no room for angel
magic. So if people crossed my path and had terrific things to
show or tell, I was able to follow that path and go with that energy
flow. I was never completely on my own; opportunities and
people came into my path constantly . . . and it was fabulous! It
was then when I reconnected with my guardian angels and was
connected with my guides. I knew they were the ones orchestrating
all I needed and wanted. They were communicating with me
internally, plain as day, as if I were talking to my best friend next
to me. They were so warm, loving, and funny. I would often be
caught laughing out loud when I had heard their inner comments. I
process will continue until we master our stresses, fears, and our
wounded body. When we do that, our souls will live forever.
I worked on an eight-month-old baby boy who had been
screaming in abdomen pain since he was born. Poor little bloke!
His parents had been trying to help him with all the help they
could find and then they found me. Upon scanning him, I found
that I was dealing with healing the prostate cancer that he had died
from in his previous life. Our soul just comes back around with
issues we need to deal with.
Once I renewed my connection I also found out that not only
had I been a matador, I was also chief of a village in Botswana and
my family was in my tribe. I was a chiefs daughter in a Rapaho
Indian tribe that was fighting the White M an. I married the Chief
Warrior in that life, who was a lot older than I and had two
children. It was the man I married in this life; he is fifteen years
older than I am. M y daughter now was my son then. I was also a
gifted Aromatherapy/Energy Healer who was burned at the stake, a
High Priestess in Egypt, one of the twelve High Priestess Healers
of Atlantis, and many more lives. We have all had so many past
lives, especially since the Earth has moved into separation and fear.
My Angels/Guides Keep Me S afe
As you can imagine, the whole trip was full of enlightening
experiences while I was reconnecting with spirit, my guardian
angels, guides, and my higher self. They were there with me the
entire journey, keeping me safe at all times. When I met people,
within seconds I could ask my guardian angel, Am I safe? Are
always works in your favor; I never, ever felt alone. None of us are.
Its only our disconnection that makes us feel alone. Once youre
reconnected and you feel all the energy and all that is available
around us, were totally supported in love and abundance.
M y angels/guides were so happy when I traveled with them.
They were telling jokes and stories and I was laughing all the while;
people used to wonder what I was laughing at. I was in total joy
the entire trip because they were my travel partners. It was terrific
and they became so clear to me. The more I connected with them,
the stronger they got until they might as well have been standing
next to me being human, talking and interacting with a best friend,
with only love and fun.
Back Home
When I finally came home, I had only myself and what I was
wearing. All my belongings, photos, and luggage were lost. It didnt
arrive in Los Angeles after my last trip to Jamaica and was lost
somewhere on the round trip between Los Angeles, San Francisco,
and Jamaica. It couldnt be found and I went back home to
Australia.
Weeks lat er, w hile I w as w orking in t he office again
temporarily, my angel came to me again. Would you like your
luggage back or the insurance monies?
I was very disappointed because Id lost all my photos and
memories of the terrific people I had met and the places I had been.
Those things were way more important to me than money!
I replied, M y bag and memories.
Less than ten minutes later, I received a phone call from the
Sydney Airport telling me that my luggage had arrived from Los
Angeles and was there for me to collect. Oh my goodness! Can you
believe that? I went straight there and collected it. M y bathing suit
was still wet inside from my last swim in Jamaica. It was
unbelievable and I was, again, so very, very grateful.
It was very interesting when I came back home. I had done
and achieved so much and had so many fabulous stories to tell.
When I asked others what theyd been doing, I learned that they
hadnt changed or done anything much.
This is being blocked and stuck in life, we are meant to flow
constantly. Remember the song the song, Row, row, row your
boat gently down the stream? That song is how life should be
moving and flowing for happiness.
What to do next? I just asked my angels/guides, Any ideas
of what to do next?
I was excited about being home with all my loved ones again,
but my angels/guides said, Enjoy, but not for long.
They offered to move me to M argaret River or Noosa, so I
chose and off I went to Noosa, Australia. I was then guided and
began working on people and the body and studied massage,
aromatherapy, and past life.
I started to offer massage and I was growing a fabulous
business. I had my own business operating successfully and I also
worked for some of the top resorts. I was the number one
masseuse they called in for their visiting clients.
energy field. Thats when I started studying all the different energy
modalities and getting lots of information on how all types of
energy works. Then, of course, with my angels/guides and my
adventurous mind, I started experimenting in different ways to
learn what to do to support a clients total body shift. I was riding
the energy again, finding where the disconnect started and clearing
the Cause.
This is when I connected with the Universal big guns: The
P ow erful M as t ers and A s cended M as t ers . T hey began t o
communicat e w it h me from t he ot her s ide, lovingly and
authoritatively instructing me on what to add to my current
knowledge to do very profound healings. I was thrilled and started
to work with M aster Jesus, and other M astersArchangel
Raphael, and Ascended M aster Hilarion. They became my actual
workmates. I began to call my healing sessions Body
Attunements.
I was in my forties now, with the four numerology number
destiny coming into play. The four is all about water. It had me
dealing with clearing the watery emotions in the bodies of others:
blockages of stress, depression, anxiety, fear, and resentment.
Through this, I discovered Cause disease.
M y Body Attunement sessions used water to wash these
emotions through and out of the body. How perfect! I was a
natural at this. I was born to do it, especially at that time.
I was able to scan people in person and across distances and
see where their issues started energetically. When I work on people
it at this time of big cyclic change on the planet. I dont even get
the flu anymore because of this.
When your Wounded Body issues come up to the surface
throughout the day to clear, you can also do the Shower of the
Inside in a few minutes wherever you are, to rebalance and calm
yourself.
We cannot blame anyone else for our feelings and emotions
anymore. We cant explode them out onto loved ones or whomever
is close to you at the time. People are just mirroring our issues; all
those issues are our own and we need to be empowered and
responsible for them ourselves. We need to do our own work and
clear them constructively with the Shower on the Inside.
Anyone can do the Shower on the Inside; its so easy and
clears Wounded Bodies whenever needed. I recommend it so you
can stay in your healthy, abundant, balanced, peaceful, calm,
connected, infinite self.
Debras Life Path
Im now stepping in to my destiny life path of a M aster
Teacher, Speaker and Leader after twenty years of working with
healing and energy work professionally. This is my gift to share
with the world. Its a very exciting time on the planet for
everybody (including me). Im so excited to be teaching a lot of
workshops to share how every person can become awakened,
connected and empowered to easily work with this energy.
I can stay in complete alignment and with 100 percent
energy connection, to move forward easily in this world. With all
the heavy energies that people are dealing with, I can give them the
tools and information be able to empower themselves to release
toxic thoughts and behaviors that no longer serve them.
I am now on Psychic television in Australia, which has
connected me to many people throughout Australia and around the
world. I am here to support and empower everyone with tools and
higher dimensional information to cope with and integrate the daily
surges of higher energies unfolding on the planet. Were moving out
of the third dimension and into the fifth dimension and heading
more and more toward unconditional love for everybody and back
to unity and oneness. We have been in this energy before so we are
remembering and unfolding our knowingness once again. The goal
is to have all the struggles disappear and have a nice and easy ride
for everyone. If everyone starts clearing their own heavy energies
and a lot of operational stresses, upsets, trauma, and disease, we
can actually all move forward into this fabulous place of
unconditional love and abundance.
The more everyone works on themselves, the more energy
levels will rise and with this will be an easier ride for all of us.
Our M other Earth is also moving through these dimensions,
too, and is wobbling in her boots. When I do my daily Shower on
the Inside (before I get out of bed every morning, so I dont get
distracted by busy life), I also send lots of loving and healing
energy out to M other Earth for her to have an easy ride too, which
actually reflects back to us. I always treat M other Earth and the
environment well and with respect, as I would my own mother. I
anywhere you need it. Ive been known to run off to the ladies
room and do a quick clearing in about two minutes. I return rebalanced because even I have a learning process.
These are the tools that Im putting out there that people can
use when things come up. You might be in a bit of a stressful
situation and you can stabilize, detach, and re-balance instantly. If
any issues are more major I can attend to these with my Body
Attunement sessions, working deeper on all the energetic levels.
Remember to keep in mind that when stresses build up and
accumulate, thats when disease manifests in the physical body. If
were clearing that every day, well be feeling absolutely healthy, in
balance, stable, secure, happy, abundant, and blissful. I say, Bring
it on everyone because you deserve it!
A lot of people are already receiving my help and Im getting
a lot of accolades. I was nominated for the Australian of the Year
2013 and Citizen of my local area due to the power of my work,
achievements, and successes in making people feel better and
healing their bodies. There is appreciation for the simple tricks,
t ools, and informat ion I p rovide on how p eop le can help
themselves instantly. Thats where Im coming from. All is
fabulous and Im there for everyone in support of moving forward
at this time.
The Children
M y daughter and all the children are now born awake.
The younger they are the more awake they are. From the age of
two, as soon as she could put words together, my daughter has
been a soprano singer. She was born amazingly gifted. Its been a
blessing and a joy to hear her sing each morning.
When she was four she shocked me with, M om, I dont
need to go to school and Im not going because Im going to be a
singer and a dancer. You can tell everyone to stop hurting and
eating the animals.
These new children are totally in their true alignment. They
know where they are meant to be and what they are meant to be
doing and eating. They instantly recognize dishonesty and whats
right and wrong. They dont like competition, being judgmental, or
fighting. Their intuitive gifts are highly developed already. I have
dealt with children who want to fly and they levitate on my healing
table. I have dealt with children who are not talking and are already
using telepathy and moving energies.
Ive had to negotiate with my daughter all the way to fit into
society because of this. You cant tell them what to do or you will
receive their wrath. Theyre very strong-minded and connected
with the Universe and themselves and are actually part of the big
changes on the planet, with this generation already being
connected. They are here to challenge and open us up and to
spiritually teach and guide us adults. They are very interested in
esoteric, energy, magic, fairies, vampires, death, and the afterlife.
M y daughter is now sixteen and she is singing and dancing and
about to step in to her career.
The challenge in dealing with these children is that if we
dont start to connect with them and set up the attention they
need, we might lose quite a few of them because they feel that they
dont belong on this planet. Not many people understand them.
They dont eat the foodmy daughter eats raw vegetables with
vitamins not cooked out of them. She wont eat meat; she says she
tastes the anger, fear, and pain in it. Vegetables dont have a nervous
system, so they dont feel pain. These children dont want the
chemicals in foods and products; they react with allergies because
they are sensitive. They are in very pure alignment.
The schools need to change. So much needs to change at this
time. Ive noticed theyre calling the children autistic. The children
seem to be profound 120 percent in their selected life path area,
not in every area. For example, we have primary school children
doing high school exams and creative children like mine singing and
others doing amazing feats without any training. I love the animals
being set free and there are now human circuses.
The kids are being born with gifts that need to be developed
and theyre highly sensitive. We need to look after them because
they are helping to the energy on the planet to switch higher. There
is a lot happening that is helping us all move through the
dimens ions eas ily, including t he w hales , w ho are t he
mos t enlightened species on the planet, then the dolphins, and
then us. Now that the population of whales is allowed to rise,
theyre lifting the vibration on the planet once again. One grown
whale will be equal to about one million lower vibrational humans.
The higher the vibration goes on the planet, the easier the ride we
will have through to the fifth dimension.
world. It was time. I knew it. I could taste freedom. I could taste
possibility.
I mustered up the courage to tell a good friend and co-worker
that I was gay while we were having lunch one afternoon. M y
heart was pounding and I was sweating bullets. There was an
uneasy, queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I swallowed hard
and blurted it out. I am a lesbian!
It took a mere two seconds to change the course of my life.
She quickly made sure to tell me that she was not gay but that she
was okay with my being whatever I needed to be for my
happiness. I thought to myself, Well, that was easy! It wasnt
nearly as traumatic as I had made it out to be. Now, I had to tell
my mother. I shuddered at the thought and said hello to uneasy
and queasy again.
Yes, it was scary as Hell to tell my mom that I was gay. I
will not lie to you and sugarcoat that one. But, it had to be done in
order for me to be able to create this new life I was determined to
have. I knew I had to desire my new beginning more than the
horror story I had made up of telling her. M y heart scales were
tipped in favor of my new life and I had to stay strong. I told her.
Her reaction was completely different than what I imagined
it was going to be. I thought the daggers would be drawn, but they
werent. She just kept reading her newspaper and gently said, No
youre not. I guess it sank in a few days later.
Yes, sparks flew. Yes, feelings got hurt and words poured like
acid rain, burning every inch of me and my heart as they landed.
But I was out. I was out of the proverbial closet and I was never
going back in. M y life had changed in that moment because I had
overcome the dread of staying who I was not created to be. I
became bigger than my fear and I trampled it to the ground. I was
victorious and I held my hands up to the Gods and yelled, Thank
you! Thank you! Thank you!
Thirty-one years of my life were instantly put away as a
closed file. M y slate was clean. I was free to create a whole new
chapter and that was exactly what I was going to do.
The time had come to tell a different story about who I was
and what it was that I expected out of my existence on this planet.
I knew there were stormy seas ahead. I knew things were going to
be difficult for a bit. M y day-to-day life, as I knew it, was
changing right before my eyes. Nothing would ever be the same.
From my hair to my heart, things would be different from now on.
M y whole world flipped upside down when I let the cat
out of the bag. Some of my friends had suspicions that I was gay,
but most had no clue and I rocked their world with my news. Some
would never sp eak t o me again and some just t ook a brief
intermission of our friendship to think about things. They would
eventually come back to be my friends again and stay that way.
M y relatives had different reactions and views on my
announcement. Cousins were congratulatory, while aunts and
uncles were concerned for my well-being. I was prayed for, prayed
over, and prayed about. There were a few who hoped I would find
a man to cure me. Thank goodness, I knew that would never
happen.
One aunt told me she had known for a very long time and she
loved me no matter what. M y uncle (her husband) and I both had
eyes for Sandra Bullock.
I felt bad for my father. I had not told him y et. He lived
thousands of miles away. I figured I had a little time to let him
know.
M y mother thought differently.
One morning she decided to call my dad on the telephone and
tell him my news for me. He lived in Vegas at the time. I believe it
was about 4:30 a.m., Vegas time, when she called him and blasted
forth my announcement. She had outed me to my dad.
Evert! Shenna says shes a lesbian! What are you going to
do about it!
What is he going to do about it, mom? Really? He is two
thousand miles away. You wake him from a sound sleep, tell him
his thirty-one year-old daughter has just come out of the closet and
you want to know what he is going to do about it? Like there
would be anything he could do about it, M om! Creator did this for
me! Not dad!
M y mother would not talk with me about my being gay. I
have no idea about any conversations she ever had with anyone
about it. She died without telling me that it was okay for me to live
as the person I am and that she was proud of me and loved me no
matter what. She died with the burns from the acid rain she poured
on me, still fresh and painful, never telling me she was sorry. She
never acknowledged that it was okay for me to live the life Creator
had chosen for me, and never apologized for the venom and hate
she spewed from her soul toward me. She died and left all of this
hurt and anger behind to eat at me for years and years. And, thats
okay. M uch later, I was to learn that it had been about her, not
about me.
So I was out. Now what?
I knew I was going to have to do things differently to make
up this whole new life for myself. I was going to need to make
some changes and acquire some new habits and beliefs. I could not
expect different results doing all the same things that lead me to
that point in my life.
After being disappointed with who I was impersonating and
bored to death with the image of what everyone else wanted me to
be, I was about to transform myself into another identity. All the
energy I had been using to wallow in my sorrow and self-pity
began to shift. I started to get my power back after years of the
mental abuse of my self-esteem. I could feel the possibility of a
new life beginning to emerge. I was becoming emotionally stronger
than I had ever been. I was taking on the world and I was doing it
quite well!
Overcoming years of false beliefs can take its toll on a
person. Learning new truths and ideas takes time and diligence. It
can get so confusing and be so detrimental to everything a person
has been taught.
We all grow up listening to, and incorporating, the beliefs
Creator was not some big white guy, sitting on a jeweled throne,
with a long, fluffy, white beard wearing a gold letter G around his
neck.
The first night I went to this new spiritual church, the leader
of the community I had just joined began to teach us about a book
by Jerry and Esther Hicks called Ask and It Is Given. This book
was perfectly placed before me as soon as I was ready to hear the
information. As they say, when the student is ready, the teacher
will appear. All the learning I had experienced until now had
prepared me for this book. This is when it all clicked for me.
I applied all of the principles in Ask and It Is Given. I did all
of the exercises, most of which I still do today. This is the Law of
Attraction, broken down into bites that I could understand. I was
getting it.
We get what we think about. No matter what we think about,
we get it. Fortunately for us, it is not an immediate response to our
thoughts. But, over time, what we think about, we bring about
good, bad, and ugly.
So I began to fill my life with things that made me happy. I
only allowed positive influences around me whenever possible. I
quit watching the news and reading the newspapers. I quit
watching those crime and detective shows, also known as murder
and mayhem around my household. We no longer watch any type
of gossip entertainment shows to peer in on other human beings
lives and affairs. Cops is no longer my favorite Saturday night
show.
office so we arranged a deal with her and rolled up our sleeves and
went to work. In the beginning, we struggled. There were a lot
more hours of idle time rather than patient time. We were making it
work but it was tough.
Then came a blow we just couldnt deal with. The first
doctor that Cheryl had been working for decided to not pay her the
$25,000 he owed her. That cut us to the bone, and he knew it. He
also knew we could not afford an attorney to fight him. We were
still too new to have overflowing bank accounts.
We ended up losing our Toyota Tundra truck, our Springdale
travel trailer, and came very close to losing our home because of
what he had decided to do to Cheryl. There was nothing left to do
but declare bankruptcy. So, we cut the rope and freed ourselves of
the financial noose and decided to start all over.
The moment we made that decision to declare bankruptcy,
we had the emotional freedom we so badly needed. What looked
like tragedy was really a blessing in disguise. We knew it and we
were so grateful.
We enrolled in months of classes of transformation through
experiential learning. We met transformation leaders from all over
the world. We held onto every word they said. We have traveled
many miles t o exp os e ours elves t o informat ion t hat has
transformed our lives. We have done the work and now we are
being rewarded.
We have a new being-ness about us now. We know that we
always achieve what we set out to do. We also know that the only
real enemies we have are ourselves and our thinking. We are bold
enough to declare what we desire and go after it.
M eeting Daniel Gutierrez has been instrumental in our
spiritual growth. Daniel has taught us that when we trust in life,
life gives us what we desire. When we know beyond a shadow of
doubt that we are taken care of, everything gets taken care of. We
know that everything we could ever want is at our fingertips and
when we trust in Creator enough, what we desire comes to fruition.
The evidence of our belief, faith, and trust manifests itself for us.
Harrison Klein taught us about quantum physics and how
everything is energy. He taught us that our thoughts become things
by shifting little energy packets around to form the physical
portion of the thought: more evidence.
M ost people on the planet have a skeleton or two in their
closets. It may not be about your sexual preference but there is a
skeleton in there somewhere. There is something you have not
wanted to admit to anyone and something that you think would
mar you and ruin your reputation and image. Well, believe me, it is
so much more important, pleasant, and fun to live on the planet
and not have anything to hide than it is to keep things from the
people you love.
So far, we have created a thriving wellness center where Dr.
Cheryl is a hero among patients. I am their comic relief and I must
say that I do a mighty fine job of providing fun and frivolity to the
center.
We created a website called www.LearningToLiveOUTLoud.com
some are just more fun than others. She received love and gave it
back tenfold. She taught me how a patient acted when he or she
wanted to live. She taught me to listen to and for the patients
experience.
Sandy taught me about unconditional love. She taught me
that I could trust others with my heart. She taught me about faith
and living while I am alive. Sandy was not imprisoned by her
disease but empowered by it to make the most of every day.
Even her passing was amazing. She was at peace and
surrounded by people who loved her. It was the first time I had
been with someone who died and as she took her last breath it was
the most magical thing I had ever seen. I instantly felt Sandy as my
newest angel. I knew she would help make sure that I had options
for my patients who were in her situation.
Sandys transition happened just months before Shenna went
on to North Carolina to prepare the beginning of our next chapter.
It was time for our dreams to become a reality. I was becoming a
doctor. We were going to have our own clinic and we were going to
finally be prosperous!
I graduated magna cum laude from Cleveland Chiropractic
College in August of 2005. Like the Indigo Girls say, I got my
paper and I was free! Free! All of those hours spent in class and
clinic had added up to that moment! I am free!
Now what?
Going to North Carolina was done in complete faith and
trust although, at the time, we did not realize this. We fell in love
with the mountains and the beach and knew we wanted this place
to be our next home. Where? We had no idea!
Shenna had gotten a job in IT Sales in Raleigh. So, that was
the placement of the first dart! We left with everything we could fit
in our Yukon and headed for Raleigh, North Carolina!
When we arrived in Raleigh from our two-day journey, we
found a great apartment located less than two miles from where
Shenna would work. It was perfect, of course. They let us move
right in. We unloaded the Yukon and went in search of garage sales
to furnish the new apartment.
We had faith that we would find everything we were looking
for. We found a perfect sofa, some tables and dressers, and even a
functioning washing machine and dryer that someone had
discarded. We were set!
I arrived in North Carolina eight months after Shenna moved
into her apartment. M y first job was with a veteran doctor who
would help teach me the ropes. I didnt know yet that he was
talking about a noose around my neck! His clinic was the first of
several stepping-stones for me. It was a few years before I could
see the real gifts from this experience in my life.
We had a great beginning! It was fun and I was excited to be
making a difference in peoples lives. Shenna was with me every
day and we were learning how to run a practice. Or, so we thought.
The doctor was a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde and it was his evil
side that finally came to our attention, letting us know it was time
to move on! I always knew I wanted to have my own clinic. His
go! We were going to sell everything and drive around the country,
teaching people to be happy and healthy and live life from a place
of passion and possibility.
The universe had a bit to say about the way this one would
play out.
Hitting the road initially implied we would sell the house and
the practice, we would store anything worth keeping, and we
would simply dispose of the rest. We would then buy a camper
and we would be off!
The more the idea festered with Shenna the less patient she
became. She was ready to move! She started packing up the house
and selling stuff.
That was good. She was taking action and proving to the
universe the sincerity of her desires. It wasnt until she started
repeating the statement, Fuck it! They can take the house! I dont
care, when all Hell broke loose!
It wasnt long before a foreclosure notice was taped to our
front door!
The statement, Be careful what you ask for, took on a
whole new meaning for me!
Clarity is a must! Janet Atwood taught me that.
I learned that lesson the painful way. I could have chosen to
allow the universe to conspire for us and bring to us the people,
places, and things necessary to realize the desires of our heart.
Instead, we lost faith and asked for something different. We let fear,
doubt, and disbelief creep in and take hold!
It all began one fine summer day in 1980. The blissful smell
of freshly cut grass hung lazily in the air (maybe it didnt but, just
for fun, lets pretend it did). I was in the front garden, happily
kicking my ball against the wall. I was not yet old enough to play
with the big kids.
The sun felt warm on my five-year old legs. Blue shorts with
a dark red t-shirt were my attire. A cheap pair of runners
completed a look that I would someday hope to forget.
M y older brother was playing football with his friends on
the green opposite. There was an avenue in between the green and
the front garden. I saw my brother give the ball a good thump. I
found myself seething with anger as I realized that I could not kick
like that yet.
I screamed, I can do that too, and gave my ball a ferocious
kick. To my utter astonishment, the ball sailed straight over the
wall, which was about three feet high. I was elated and I
immediately ran after the ball, as I wanted to relive that elation as
soon as possible.
I ran straight in front of a car, which, admittedly, isnt very
advisable in most instances.
It has taken me many years to recover the following
memory:
It all went black. Then the light came and everything turned
white. I thought that I must be in Heaven. There was a red cross in
the air. I heard a voice asking me whether I wanted to stay or go
back. The voice told me I had great things to accomplish but that if
I decided to go back, it wouldnt be easy. I wanted to go back to
see my mum again so thats what I chose. The voice told me Id
forget all this until I was ready to process it. Then the light was
gone, my vision slowly faded back to black and I had a tremendous
headache. I came to on the sitting room couch with people bustling
about, wailing, screaming, and generally making a fuss.
M y journey had begun.
At this point, allow me to recount an incident from around
this same period.
When I was younger, maybe age four, five, six or somewhere
around there, I happened to be watching television one afternoon
couldnt move or speak. The lady told me that I had overdosed and
had been in a coma for close to four months.
I began to cry then, feeling some relief that I was able to do
so.
I slowly improved during the coming year. Daily therapy of
all sorts helped a lot.
The next decade is a blur of dep ression, suicide
attemp ts, p sy chiatric intervention, abuse, starvation,
dehy dration, and numerous other altered states of consciousness.
None of them are deserving of detailed recounting.
In the summer of 2009, I was desperately searching for a
way to improve my life. I found partial answers in esoteric texts,
Aleister Crowley and the like.
One day as I was researching, I found something called the
Law of Attraction. I ignored it as I was of the opinion that my
attractiveness was the least of my worries.
However, day after day, the Law of Attraction thing
started to pop up more and more frequently. I decided to follow a
link, fully expecting to be led to a dating site. Instead, I was on a
page that didnt make much sense and it recommended a movie
called The Secret to find out more. I got a copy and watched it. I
couldnt make heads or tails of it, and turned it off half-way
through.
I again returned to my esoteric texts. In about August 2009,
my sister recommended a book to me. It was an old book, and
didnt mention the Law of Attraction at all. It was a book aimed at
smoking cessation.
I read the entire thing in two days. I was enthralled with the
idea that a seemingly physical problem could be overcome by the
mind.
I was eager to find more things like that, so I restarted my
research. I was repeatedly led back to The Secret, so I decided to
watch it again. It made so much sense that I found it difficult to
understand how I was confused the first time. I put a few of the
concepts into use, mostly the bit about responsibility.
I was amazed at how much more in control of my life I now
was once I took responsibility for it and stopped expecting others
to change their ways just to appease me.
I understood that The Secret was just an introduction, so I
devoted the next year to round-the-clock learning.
What I discovered was life-changing for me. If theres one
thing Ive learned, its this: Everything has a reason. Embrace who
you are, even if all odds seem against you. Become One with
yourself and accept your Divine nature. You are not alone. You are
a luminous manifestation of Divine perfection. Yes, that perfection
knows no limits. God accepts me even though Im in a wheelchair.
In God, all things are possible.
-
but the doctors kept Paulie in an incubator for three months. When
my mother went to feed Paulie, people around her would tell her to
forget about that lizard because there was no way it could
survive. When she brought Paulie home, she would wrap her in a
towel to keep her warm, gave her cod liver oil, and dabbed her skin
with oil after baths. Paulie made it. She transformed from a slim girl
to a plump woman who is now in her thirties and works in the
insurance industry in New York.
There were eight kids and I was the seventh in line. By that
time, I couldnt have been six because I wasnt in school yet. There
were no nursery schools then. To begin school in those days, one
had to know how to count from one to ten, and know how to recite
the alphabet. And you werent qualified to start class one until you
were able, when reaching your right hand over your head, to touch
your left ear.
I also remember when M onica fell off M aames bed one
afternoon. Three of us were recuperating from measles and we
were lying on my mothers bed. M onicas case was the worst
because she had also developed whooping cough. She had a seizure
of a cough and, as she struggled to catch her breath, fell off the bed.
As a child, the roads seemed simple. I figured there were five
main roads that would lead you wherever you wanted to go, but
which all met in the same market square. One road from the market
doodled southward and nestled past the main storesthe Ghana
National Trading Company and the United African Company,
where my mother bought Dutch print on retail to sell to her
languages.
Long before I menstruated, Naa Akuye had schooled me
about menstruation; she said menstrual blood smelt like fish and
could stain ones clothes in an embarrassing way. Neither my elder
sisters nor my mother told me about menstruation. I was already in
secondary school, form one, age thirteen when I menstruated. Naa
Akuye was the daughter of M r. Addy who lived in one of the
rooms and chamber apartments with four of his children, but
without their mother.
Naa Akuye had big breasts at the time and could cook for the
family. She even told us stories about ghosts and Samanta, the fairy
that always dragged children to the bridges at night. She also taught
us the reason why Ghanaian drivers crossing a bridge in Ghana
always instinctively slow down for Samanta. They wait for her to
gather her children and her long breasts so they would not hurt
them and incur bad luck on their journey. Then there was Kordai,
Akwele, and Fofo who were all younger sisters of Naa Akuye,
with whom we played and formed alliances with about which other
child in the house we would allow in our circles and which ones to
boycott.
By this time I was starting school in the United Primary
School. Kordai, her two younger sisters, Akwele and Fofo, and I
used to walk together to school. Naa Akuye was already in middle
school, so she attended school on Kumasi road where my sister,
Aggie, also schooled. We were of different graduating ages, so we
went in a group and did not need to be chaperoned.
We also had the joy of spending the pennies our parents gave
us on kuli kuli on the way. Kuli kuli was a snack made from
groundnut paste from which the oil had been extracted manually. It
was crisp and crackled in our mouths. It was rolled in rings big
enough to be worn on our slim hands like handbags. Because many
of the United primary school pupils relished this snack and bought
it to eat on their way to and from school, the school was
nicknamed the kuli kuli school.
M y early school days were full of delight. M y class one
teacher, Teacher Afedzi, made learning so easy and enjoyable. We
learned to sing a song with the alphabet, the months in the year,
and the days of the week. We also learned to sing Old Roger is
Dead and Gone to his Grave, Baa Baa Black Sheep, Humpty
Dumpty, and to count to one hundred.
On Friday afternoons, during our game time, Teacher Afedzi
would have us form two parallel lines, facing each other and
holding the hands of the person opposite you. The smaller children
in the class would be picked up, one at a time, and dropped on the
hands. They would then toss the child in the air and it would move
forwards with each fall, to the chorus singing of daw daw oridi ne
daw, Kweku Ananse oridi ne daw and so on. Translated, it means
Kweku Ananse, the Spider and crafty character in Akan folklore,
is enjoying himself, swinging away. By the time the child was
tossed several times in the air and moved steadily to the end
opposite the starting point, Teacher Afedzi would be there to catch
him/her from the air and unto the ground. Then the next petite child
would have his/her turn. There would be giggles all the way
through, from the excitement of being tossed up and down and also
the fear that one may fall to the ground.
Other afternoons we had sports and we ran around the
school block. The school had two main blocks: one housed classes
one to three and the other classes four to six.
A favorite song was, yankee, yankee, ukpololo, alabasa,
femi ob batene, yankee, yankee, yankee, yankee. From the
stringing of the words of this song, one may rightly guess that the
words are meaningless. Actually, the words mimic sounds of the
Yorubas, an immigrant group from Nigeria that was found in every
village in Ghana. In fact, they were so ubiquitous that there was a
saying in Ghana, back then, that if a Yoruba was not found in a
Ghanaian village then that village could not be called one. The
Yorubas also had their peculiar dance and that was what we
mimicked in our afternoon dance on Fridays in United Primary
School. Primary school was a marvelous experience. The relish of
kuli kuli on the way, the joy of learning to count and spell, and the
fact that this was all mixed with play, made school an unforgettable
experience.
With time, we progressed through the classes: class two,
three, four, and five. Before I could finish class five, my second
eldest sister Tina was to take a teaching appointment in a middle
school in Damongo, about sixty miles away from Tamale. M y
parents decided it was a good idea for me to go with her, so she
wouldnt be alone. I could also help her with chores at home. That
popular saying was, A crab does not give birth to a bird. Both of
these sayings reinforced the Law of Attraction. You get what you
focus on, underlies coaching and encouraging people to create their
desires in life. It is amazing how many wise sayings we hear but
fail to appreciate fully. If we take a moment to study them, there is
no denying how many gems we will uncover. However, in our
everyday lives, we stumble on these gems and when we fail to
ponder them, their deeper meanings are lost to us. This, simply
put, is what coaching is about. Listen and hear the words, but also
notice the vibration that comes with the words. Listen to what is
said and, more importantly, what is not said. That is how the full
picture unfolds, and the vibration of it, since everything is energy.
It does not end there, however.
We know we are human beings made in Gods image and
sharing in His attributes and His creativity. This is what gives us
power. We can tap in to this power before we act. We have heard
this repeatedly, but it has not stayed with us. Ninety percent of
the time, we think we are alone. But, if we took the trouble to
delve into our inner selves, we would act more appropriately. This
is the general attitude, but exposure to coaching urges one to tap
into the Universe to the all-knowing God for inspiration. This is
done through meditation. If our position is that meditation out
there in spite of all its benefits, then we may need to rethink our
position.
I approached coaching with no prejudice. I have learned and
proven many things to myself. Now I am ready to share what I
room whipping me with a rope until her arm was too tired to
move. Then she collapsed into a chair, weeping bitterly because she
had no more strength in her arm. M y sisters huddled together and
watched and cried in fear.
After my parents separated when I was four, my mother
went off the deep end, mentally, and could not recover. She ended
up in a mental institution for five months at her fathers command.
Our ensuing, temporary, substitute parentsa foster home and
then an orphanagewere no improvement from. Sexual abuse and
violence were the continuing order of the day.
When I was seven, my father died and we were placed back
with my mother who had recovered some sanity, having been
released from the daily pressure of raising four little children. She
resented our intrusion into her life that would have been perfect
and adventurous, now that my father was out of the picture. Since
she did not want the responsibility of personally harming her
children, she found a boyfriend who would ensure we knew about
her displeasure by whipping us daily while she goaded him on.
Since, as children, we loved and needed a mother, and would
sacrifice anything to ensure a mothers love, it took us a long time
to realize what she was doing. We placed the blame on him and not
on the source, which was our mother. He lived with us until I was
twelve. By then, my spirit was totally beaten down and my course
seemed set for life.
In truth though, I know deep down my parents felt love for
me, but they couldnt stay in touch with that love on a continual
basis; they were just doing the best they could. They were simply
overwhelmed with their lives and my three sisters and I happened
to be in their way. It was wrong, but it happened. Eventually my
insight into this situation made me more compassionate, kind, and
loving. I just took the long way around to get there!
I am not writing this to elicit anyones sympathy; but rather
to let the reader know the depths of despair and self-loathing I
grew up with. I had no self-esteem. I had no feeling of love from
the outside or from the inside. I had no sense of boundaries because
they had been violated again and again. I was afraid of my own
body, since it was a constant source of pain. I was fearful of taking
chances. I carried the violence of my home life to those around me,
my sisters, and the pets we had. M y sisters were afraid of me
because I would attack them in anger, as they would attack me.
I was totally afraid of my own inner power. Even at an early
age I knew I could calm and ground people, as I did with my
immediate family, but it did not make life easier for more than a
passing moment. I could calm my mother when she stood in the
middle of the dining room screaming at the top of her lungs, but
within an hour she would be back to her normal self, in a fury at
everything.
There were flashes of brilliance and light in my life growing
up; but there was so much pain I could not focus on them and stay
anchored in the light. I could create a brilliant drawing but I could
not sustain any art. I could imitate my junior high school language
teacher like a parrot but could find no joy in learning. I could see
to come to Earth to bring your special gift to light the way for
humanity. You are here to reduce the fear we are programmed with
and to help people reconnect with the spiritual world that feeds us.
There are so many different gifts that we all bring. Edna
Ferber, who wrote the book, So Big, in 1924, said there are two
kinds of people: wheat and emeralds. Each has its function. We
couldnt live without wheat to eat, but we also couldnt live
without the beauty that emeralds bring to our lives.
Although we all are reaching for spiritual growth, you dont
have to be an intuitive magical healer to bring your special gift to
the Earth. M aybe you can help in a neighborhood organic garden.
Perhaps you can volunteer at a boys club to teach auto mechanics
or you can be a preschool teacher. I know the words, Descended
M asters, will resonate with most of you as they did with me
when someone first gave me that phrase. I use it often and see the
joy and relief on peoples faces when they realize who they are and
that there are others who recognize them. There are so many of us
and we can empower each other to light the world.
Accepting Responsibility
Just how do we step into our power? A good place to start is
by taking responsibility for our world. We accept that everything
we see around us is our creation. The job we dont like, the spouse
we resent, the car that wont start, and the apartment thats ugly
and in a poor neighborhoodit is all what we have created. The
beautiful flower garden, the right paint color on the walls, and the
pleasant walk to schoolwe also manifest that. Your world is a
minutes. Your house, garage or office didnt get like this in a single
day. Do not think it will miraculously change back to perfect in a
day. Setting goals of baby steps will get the job done faster than
you would expect. Please remember to be kind to yourself.
When I was faced with the monumental job of cleaning out
the house and land where my former boyfriend and I had lived for
ten years, it looked impossible. I wanted to see it all done at once. I
sulked and whined for a few weeks, and then I decided to start
doing the job anyway, even if the Universe wouldnt drop a huge
front-end loader and trash container in my lap.
The funny thing is that it all got done. I could see the
progress daily. The Universe gave me several cheerful, helpful hired
hands who did the jobs that were too big for me, at a price I could
afford. But I had to take the first steps; I had to take the initiative.
With the money I made selling our unwanted farm
equipment, I could pay the hired hands, the dump fees and afford
all the gas it took to make the dump runs. I also paid myself for
my time, since I had no help from my ex-boyfriend and it was our
communal responsibility to get it done.
After five months, more than fifty dump runs, and a lot of
simple sweat, it was done. It was very symbolic of the changes in
my life. Tackling big jobs in baby steps is being kind to yourself
and not setting yourself up for failure.
I invite you to please, please shed the goal of making
anything perfect! There is no such thing. It is like reaching
infinityit cant be done. Set a goal for yourself of making it
you. Those bad feelings are just an outside influence trying to get
an emotional kick from your negative feelings. Wrap any negativity
in light and thank it for the lesson. Then send it on its way as you
go forth in your light and in your power.
-
As odd as it may sound, in that silly moment, my worldview changed. A belief I lived by, and occurred to me as truth and
reality, was now obviously proven to be untrue. M y mind shifted.
It is shifts like this salsa-shift that stick. I could no longer operate
in the ignorance that food comes from stores without
contemplating the bigger picture. I expanded my viewpoint and,
thus, my reality.
Food comes from the earth; its healthy, abundant, and free
for us. What a concept. The Earth grows stuff. The Earth sustains
and creates life and living things. Huh! I forgot. How had I been so
disconnected from this truth?
It is almost embarrassing to admit, but I considered myself a
fairly intelligent person at the time. I even considered myself
spiritual, according to the self-help section of the Chapters
bookstore. But since when did spiritual include being separate
from Nature and all that is?
Breadcrumbs
I spent so much of my life trying to fix what was broken,
and was so hungry for the moment when I could just enjoy my life
and love myself. Being willing and following lifes nudges acted like
breadcrumbs to show me who my teachers were, where to go, and
when to trust. I eventually began to see that life was alive and
sending me tips all the time. I had felt scared and alone most of my
life, until I learned I was surrounded by love and intelligence at all
times. Choosing to blindly trust those breadcrumbs, just like
Indiana Jones stepping onto the foggy abyss and discovering the
bedroom.
A Chance Encounter
A chance meeting with a Shaman named Chris opened the
world beyond my cognitive mind, and expanded my thoughts to a
new level of healing and understanding. This man, Chris, was at the
Celtic Festival where I worked doing massages and Reiki for the
participants. He was intriguing and there was something about his
gaze that was different; it was almost like portals into something I
didnt recognizeyet.
He approached me and, after chatting, we decided to do an
exchange of cranial sacral therapy with me and then Reiki for him.
Little did I know, this was my saying yes to another of my many
teachers sent from Spirit. I was confused and my mind kept trying
to make sense of what my senses could not compute. He asked if I
wanted to bring my spirit back into my body. And, secondly, to
open the final three chambers of my heart, which apparently
totaled seven.
M y initial mental chatter was, What chambers? What do
you mean? What about the first four? Why are we even doing
this?
However, when filled with Spirit, mind chatter becomes like
gnats swirling around, annoying but harmless. I could just ignore
the chatter and not take it so seriously. While I didnt understand
the energy work intellectually, and definitely had no clue what
getting my spirit back into my body was, I knew I needed to do
it. This was my heart knowing, and my heart didnt speak English;
feeling better and temporary fixes. I knew there was a better way!
Somehow.
Hans offered to teach me how to use Ontology and Coaching
to get results and actually transform past plateaus into that ideal,
divine version of myself, rather than just changing the behavior.
And, as always, if I wanted to guide others to get somewhere Id
have to first do it myself. So I did and I started that very night.
A Divine Tag-Team
Around the same time when I met Hans, I also was
introduced to a woman in my hometown, Karen Tyndall, who I
lovingly nicknamed a fairy-grandmother. She did Angel healing and
other energy modalities meant to reconnect you to God and align
you to learn how to receive divine energies. She was so lit up,
energetic, and in love with life that it was hard not to get swept
into her enthusiasm.
The most significant conversation and shift I had with Karen
was when she said right off the bat, What is your relationship to
God?
I looked at her blankly. What do you mean? Im spiritual,
not religious. Religion is yucky! I thought God was stupid, flakey,
and unreliable. He was never there for me, obviously. And, think
about all the puppies being abused, mass poverty, and the pain and
suffering seen on the news every day, all day? God schmod, I
thought.
As I rehabilitated my relationship with God, I saw that God,
Center, Energy, Spirit, and Life were all One. I saw the strings of
reality that tie everything together. Thats when life really shifted. I
realized life is not random and haphazard.
All the breadcrumbs had led up to this awakening to
myself and the truth of life. There are actual recipes to living a
great life and management tools for dealing with the inevitable
challenges and human resistance to our divine greatness. Life began
to seem simple and easy to navigate through, no matter the outside
circumstances. Its as though I had tapped into the How to Live
life as Jenna Smith on this Planet manual in myself.
An Unexpected Afternoon
It was a sunny day and my life was beginning to feel magical,
as my coaches training was nearing the end and I had months of
sessions with Karen tuning up my divine connections. Then, just
before I was about to go out for a run, hail the size of fists came
pummeling down, and the wind became unbelievably strong. The
sky turned blackish-grey. The wind blew out the screens in the
house and swirls of branches from the outside and papers from
inside the living room surreally spun around in a circle. All there
was to do was run around and close the windows so the tornado
outside was not inside. The sound of trees crashing down made
this storm feel serious and dangerous, and then, just as suddenly as
it started, it was over. M y hometown of Goderich had experienced
an F3 tornado, destroying the town right through the center.
It was the Storm of 2012 according to The Weather
Network. M any others and I suffered various levels of PostTraumatic Stress Disorder and were still in for a long haul in
died.
Blankness. What? How? But, hes not in bad health. M y
mind swirled with many questions, and my heart began to race. He
said my mother had tried to reach me, but I had my phone off since
it was international.
I didnt want to call. I didnt want to face it. I was so lucky I
listened to Spirit and was in the very capable hands of my dear
friend who had the ability to be with me and be with this
situation. I was in a safe place, far from the drama I had to return
to in only twenty-four hours.
I spent the day being cared for and feeling able to just be.
When we listen, life does help us out.
Finally it was time to call hometo call my mom for the
actual details and go beyond the comfort of shock. This did not
help me emotionally. M y mom didnt know the answers either yet,
and I would have to call the detective.
All my mom said was, The only information I know is that
it is deemed a crime scene and there was blood everywhere.
Was he hurt? M urdered brutally? What is going on? M ore
spinning and heart racing, with now a floodgate of tears attempting
to release the confusion, fear, and sadness.
I finally got the inner urge to call the detective. He was very
nice and more thoughtful than I expected. He explained that my
dad had cut his left wrist deeply with an Exacto knife. Some time
had passed before he actually died of massive blood loss. The
detective firmly advised against going into the house or seeing his
body. His half-rotted remains had been discovered two days after
his gruesome death.
The detective told me whom to call and advised some tactical
next steps. One thing he said to me about suicide stayed with me:
People have heart attacks all the time when the heart just cant
cope and gives out. Its not so different for a persons mindit
just gave out.
We hung up. I sat in silence for a while, as I am right now.
The guilt of not contacting him before I left for New York
bore into my heart and stung the already fresh wound from this
surreal news. I didnt hug him the last time I saw him because his
behavior pissed me off and I judged it as immature. To make my
point I didnt hug him or tell him I loved him as I had done every
single time before. That one time was the last time.
Unconditional Greatness
Facing our truth takes an awful lot of courage. It develops
strength far greater than our knee-jerk human reaction to numb out
or run away from the reality of life.
Greatness is not accomplished by one extraordinary feat; it is
a consistent stream of ordinary choices made from our heart and
our courage to live as our authentic Truth. Every day is an
opportunity to know our Greatness, if only for a moment. Every
day we get to decide to plug into the infinite abundance around us,
or to shut down and just get by. Ive lived in both worlds and I
highly recommend plugging in and stepping out.
Just as salsa does not truly come in jars, I now know people
are not born separate from Spirit and all that is. I now know life is
not a random, haphazard experience, but it is full of intelligence,
wonder, and imagination. Life is alive, and rooting for us to step
into our true nature. Greatness is who we are, and our greatest
journey is remembering it.
-
playing to please and gain respect from others took its toll on me. I
found it hard to express my emotions at that time, and with no one
to sincerely talk to about my situation, I was like a walking bottle
of nitroglycerin. I didnt really care. It wasnt the popular decision.
I just wanted relief. It was a rebellion of sorts.
It took me a while to get over the guilt of feeling like a
quitter but, for the first time, I believed that I had finally made my
own choice, for me. Without realizing it at the time, I believe this
was the first step in the journey of overcoming my ego.
When Johnny Comes Marching Home . . .
As my senior year began to draw to a close, the military
began to look pretty damn tempting. I had no other options, I
thought. I was particularly drawn to the M arine Corps; with those
dress blue uniforms, who wouldnt be? Even Pee Wee Herman
would look like a stud in them!
I made my commitment to the United States M arine Corps
USM C reserves and signed on the dotted line. (As a reservist, I
believed I always had an out . . . . I could always go active if I liked
it.)and you always have to have an out
I had no intentions of attending college close to home or
marrying my childhood sweetheart. I was a silent rebel at heart.
When people would go right, I would go left. I didnt desire a
typical life. I had my fill of thateighteen years worth). I was
finally an adult and the world was waiting to be discovered! I was
excited about the idea that I was about to become a M arine! I
belonged to Uncle Sam.
life!
Turbulence Ahead
Ive had the pleasure of visiting and occupying several duty
stations from 84 to 94, but the last two years of my enlistment
in Germany were the toughest; I classify them as my baptism by
fire.
I wasnt new to overseas travel, but at the time, I found it
very difficult to find my rhythm and feel at home in Germany. It
was, and still is, a beautiful country with a lot to offer. (I now feel
much differently about Germany, by the way.) I realize that it had
to do with me and not the country itself. As the saying goes, Its
not where youre from, its where you are. I reminded myself of
this often, but it was still a challenge. I ventured out as much as I
could, but continued to feel isolated and unhappy. I guess four
years of dreary fall and winter weather had begun to take its toll on
me.
It began a period of self-doubt, low self-esteem, anger, and
frustration; it all had to surface sooner or later. To make matters
worse, I chose a femme fatale for a girlfriend. I didnt find this
out until more than a year of dating and living together. She came
from the school of thought that if you have checks you have
money. Her ongoing financial irresponsibility negatively impacted
my career and almost ruined it. It was a nightmare.
To say I was frustrated would be a huge understatement. I
was on the edge. A lot was at stake; I was in transition and I
wanted to clear up this tangled mess and exit with an honorable
this was some sort of back payment to the Universe for taking it
easy the last few years. I wondered if and when things would get
better. I didnt think it could last forever. But, the climb lasted for
many years.
During this time, by way of a colleague, I met another
woman who was from the Netherlands. Actually, we had met one
year prior to the end of my enlistment. She was kind and
understanding and our meetings helped take my mind off of the
situation, at least temporarilywhen we were together.
Eventually, I would move to the Netherlands. It was the start of a
long relationship and the start of rediscovering myself and
reinventing my life. And so the beat goes on.
A Man Without a Country
With basically a suitcaseactually several boxes and two
duffel bagsI relocated to M aastricht, Netherlands. I loved the
hospitality and relaxed attitudes of the Dutch, but living there had
proved to be another story.
M y life p ost-military 94 to 01is what I call the
seven-year itch. It was a period of inner crisis with frustration,
laced with low self-worth, doubt, and anger. It was a huge
transition period with many new challenges. I was in search of my
own identity and adjusting to civilian life. And it was a joy to wear
civilian clothes to work! For nearly four years I had basically
worked full-time at the post exchange for part-time money, as well
as a host of secondary jobscleaning offices, toilets, and floors, to
even posing as security at small time party gigswhile filling out
life. There was no longer a need to look any further than my own
being. There is no longer a search for the perfect beat. I found it. I
Am the creator of my music. The search is over, and the best is yet
to come.
Dont die with your music still inside you. Listen to your
intuitive inner voice and find what passion stirs your soul. Listen to
that inner voice, and dont get to the end of your life and say, What
if my whole life has been wrong?
~Dr. Wayne W. Dyer~
-
inspiration and a deep love between two people who truly mean to
come back to wholeness.
It is a s t ory of a family w ho, believing t heir
dreams , are choosing to live them. M y husband, Simon, is my
greatest teacher and my deepest love; with him I am creating and
living our dream. Our dream is a life filled with surprises and
excitement, hills and valleys, good days and challenging days, and a
constant stream of love for life and all that it brings. We live with
our four children, Oscar, Iris, Finlay, and Talulah, delighting in the
abundance of the Dominican Republic and nestled on the edge of
the shimmering Caribbean Sea. Together we are building our idea of
utopia.
So where is the struggle in this? you might ask.
Well, in truth it is not a struggle, but the journey has been
filled with lessons and tests of integrity that, at the time, threw up
doubts that may have drawn us down another path, and in this lies
the struggle.
Twelve years ago, honeymooning on a beach in the north of
the island, a spark of inspiration ignited as we looked up at the
jungle behind us and decided to build a truly holistic destination.
Initially, it was to be a place for children but soon it became a place
for everyone as the idea blossomed into reality.
We w ent back t o Sp ain, w here Simon w as
develop ing properties and I was studying naturopathic medicine,
knowing that we had discovered our path. It was perfectwe both
had the expertise to cover the different aspects of the project and
with meditation and yoga. We gave what we could but after two
years with the pro-bono work and cancelled appointments, we had
to close because we just could not cover the bills. However, the
word holistica was now part of the language and natural health
was back on the streets of La Romana.
During this time, we had decided to take one year and
become completely vegan and completely unprocessed in our diet.
I had met a Brahman living in Venezuela who taught me so much
about tropical holistic living and the benefits of living a pure life.
I convinced the family to test it out and, despite the occasional
grumble, it went surprisingly well. The bigger surprise was the
challenge that faced us from outside. It seemed that we were
behaving anti-socially, as our friends stopped inviting us out for
meals and my own family took offense.
It was an emotionally painful time; we were living the way
we wished to live but the people around us would not have it. I
think it hurt most because it was simply a life experiment for us;
we were certainly not on any crusade to convert others, neither
were we trying to make others feel bad for their choices. Yet, it was
taken as some kind of affront by those around us. It was a lesson
about how we relate to each other based on our own conditioning,
and that something at our core feels deeply defensive when our
established patterns are challenged or questioned. It appears that
difference (or perceived difference) breeds division, even when you
are not looking for it!
By this time we were in huge debt to family, friends, and the
were living in tune with nature and practicing holistic living, and I
was working in the local community.
On the material plane, however, I was still dealing with old
beliefs and ideas. Where was the money? Why had Ki-Ra not risen
out of the jungle in all of its glory as Spirit had predicted? Why
was it not the success we all knew it should be? What was I doing
wrong? Why did we have to live desperately trying to make ends
meet each month? Why were we feeling inundated by the pressure
of a huge project, huge debts, little income, four kids, and people
depending on us for their livelihood?
M y relationship with Simon was under stress, my health
was not in optimum state, and there was huge pressure from my
family to quit.
I remember my mother saying to me with genuine concern,
This is ridiculous. You work your butt off but can barely pay for
food for the kids, let alone school, and you have no quality of life!
Ill help you with a house, a car, and putting the kids in
school. Ill look after them once a week so that you can have a
social life and see your friends. Come back to England and drop
this crazy dream; have a normal life!
It was very tempting; we felt we were on the brink. It was
true. Our quality of life sucked despite all that we had. It seemed
that everything we tried to do regarding business failed. But, it was
our dream and we were going to keep going for it until something,
please God, happened. So, I turned down her generous offer and
told her that I believed Ki-Ra was worth fighting for and we would
continue to strive.
Looking back on those eight years, it seems so obvious now
that it was a learning process that both of us had to go through in
order to fully understand the nature of what we were intending to
create. Ki-Ra is a place for an evolving humanity and for the future
where humans and nature can co-exist in harmony. It is a place
where people could experience living completely comfortably, even
elegantly, and still maintain a sustainable and ethical method of
operation where authenticity and living your truth was key.
This was the lesson I needed to learn: Who am I? What is my
truth and what do I really believe? How can I be true to myself?
The path was paved with lessons. When we closed the
holistic clinic, it felt important to continue to offer a healthy
option to the people we had been serving there. I came up with the
bold notion that we should open a restaurant serving tasty
vegetarian food. It seemed the perfect solution; I could continue to
give consultations from the restaurant, enticing people through the
door with a low-priced menu of the day, while maintaining the KiRa presence in the community. But, what did we know about
restaurants?
Once again, the Universe stepped in and a yoga client, who
was a chef. He offered to take 50 percent of the business. The
restaurant opened, despite some very strong last-minute doubts on
my part. It operated rather successfully for a while and then closed
after less t h an a y ear d u e t o v ar io u s cir cu ms t an ces .
T h e p r in cip al circumstance was that the chef was not
vegetarian and did not hold the same life principles as we do. We
lost everythingagainbut learned a powerful lesson about not
going into business with anyone who could not maintain the
authenticity of the concept.
From an outside point of view it certainly appeared that we
were back to square one, and there were moments when it felt that
way too. Underneath all those layers, though, a much deeper and
revelatory transformation was occurring. What was the meaning of
it all? Why was it that, despite all of our efforts and constant
creativity, this project, that we knew was for the benefit of all, just
would not leap into itself? Why were investors not popping up all
over the place, offering their unending support and cash deposits?
Were we capable?
We believed s o s t rongly in all t hat w e w ere doing
and understood fully the concept of holistic living; we were
holistic living personified. Or were we? Asking that question was
the beginning of the true journey for me. The question left me
derailed. I had been listening to various empowerment seminars on
the Law of Attraction, manifesting the life of your dreams, and so
on, and had put the manifesting of cash to the test. It worked, at
least on a relatively small scale, and I was feeling pleased and
happy. For a while it seemed that we could earn the cash we
needed so that we wouldnt struggle through the month. We got
back a bit of quality of life and for a while all was more relaxed. As
wonderful and helpful as money is, it makes life easier but doesnt
make one truly happy! So, slowly the fun of manifesting cash
and I was about five years old. I was the center of attention in my
family. As the only granddaughter and niece in the family, I was the
apple of everyones eye. The first moment I felt unworthy was
when I saw my mom being roughed up on the corner of Union
Street and 5th Avenue in Park Slope, Brooklyn. After that moment,
life was filled with fear, uncertainty, loss, and tragedy. As my mom
was repeatedly beaten almost daily, I remember being the cool kid
in schoolpopular, smart, and outgoing. I had many friends but no
one close enough to know what was going on at home.
At the age of nine, we moved from New York City to Puerto
Rico, where we had no family. We started living in a very rural
town called M oca, with no indoor toilets or running water. I didnt
go to school for almost a year. During the day I lost myself playing
with my little brothers in the fields with chickens, mangoes, and
sugar cane. And at night I would be eaten alive by mosquitoes.
M y two most vivid memories of M oca: One occurred on a
night when my mom was being beaten so badly that I thought she
was going to die. I ran out barefoot into the pitch-black night, to
the neighbors house way down the road. I banged on the door
asking for help saying, La va a matar! (He is killing her!). I
honestly dont remember what happened after that because it is
one of the many blackout periods in my memory.
M y two most vivid memories of M oca: One occurred on a
night when my stepfather was beating my mom so badly that I
thought he was going to kill her. I ran out barefoot into the pitchblack night, to the neighbors house far down the road. I banged on
herself.
Two months later we had a christening party for my baby in
my uncles house. M y girlfriend brought her cousin, who had just
moved to New York from California. It was love at first sight! He
was so charming, polite, and helpful. We started dating and a few
months later got an apartment together. He had a good job and I
followed in my uncles footsteps becoming an EM T.
Turning Abuse into Success!
In 1992, I was a paramedic, lookin cool and sexy in the
ambulance, riding the streets of Spanish Harlem. I was on top of
the world, high on adrenaline. I couldnt believe I was getting paid
to do this! New York City, in the early nineties, was the best time
of my life!
We had been together, on and off, for three years nowthe
same age as my son. M y uncle had bought a house in Upstate New
York, and my aunt kept my baby during the week. I worked the
evening shift from 4:00 p.m. to midnight, and then it was party
time after work!
We Cheat Death was the motto of the Ghetto M edics.
Shootings, stabbings, babies in cardiac arrest, drug overdoses, and
flirting with copsthis was my typical tour of duty. After it was
all over, wed go to the bar for drinks and a few bumps of coke.
Rehab after rehab and break-up after break-up, my boyfriend
and I finally got married in 1995. I was instantly pregnant with
twin boys and we began a new, great stage in our lives. I had gotten
promoted to Lieutenant and he opened an Italian Deli. We were
this simple, little life with me, and I thanked God for answering my
prayers! Unfortunately (or fortunately) this guy was not down
with the program, and I was left alone again.
I was so upset and angry with God.
Come on! I didnt ask for a lot! Cant I even have the
simple, little life that Ive resigned myself to? Am I not even
worthy of that? Those were my questions to God.
T his w as my low es t p oint and my p eriod of
deep es t dep res s ion. I w as in emot ional agony ! T hat
w as w hen I remembered meeting a young lady named Karen
Hoyos. I had attended her seminar about a year before and I
remembered her saying that she did private coaching. I found her
number, called her, and began rattling off all my drama, problems,
stresses, and pain.
She calmly listened and then asked me one question: What
is your purpose?
M y purpose?
Yes, she said. How can you contribute to humanity?
Contribute? If I am worthless, what can I possibly
contribute?
If you could, what group of people whose lives you would
most want to impact in the world?
Immediately I felt a spark, a wave of life, a glimmer of value.
I said, I would help women who have lived through domestic
violence.
Working with Karen, I was able to turn all my years of
wash the dishes. They argued but my mom finally gave in. She
banged the dishes and sighed in frustration. A cup broke and my
mothers hand was cut. They went to the ER and my mom
received stitches. It was by that scar that my grandmother
identified her body.
M y father took the insurance money and left. M y maternal
grandmother took us kids in, while raising two teenagers of her
own by herself. We were a two-year-old, a one-year-old, and the
youngest at five months.
M y grandfather was was robbed and killed on Christmas.
Other than living in a house full of rats and mice, childhood
seemed normal. M y little brother and I would pick up mice and
play with them. We played hide and seek and red light green light.
At the age of seven or eight, I did laundry several blocks away,
stepping on crates to put detergent in. I folded clothes, ironed my
grandmothers work uniforms, fixed beds, swept, and mopped.
When I turned fifteen, my grandmother put my clothes in a
garbage bag and said I had to go. She didnt want to go through
what she went through with her girls. They got pregnant young.
And, if you didnt listen to her, you would have a broom, slipper,
frying pan, book, or the closest thing she could grab thrown at you.
So, at the age of fifteen, I was homeless. I didnt know where to go.
Friends would let me stay with them but when grandmother found
out, she would threaten to send me to a home. It scared me enough
that Id go back to the street.
Next door lived a German family. The father told my
have an adult get me into a hotel. That was scary. These were
hourly hotels with mirrors on the ceilings. I was still grateful. He
loved me so much. M y older brother couldnt care less. M y little
brother was too young to understand.
I loved school. Reading was my escape. I got a job so I could
get a bus pass and go to school. M y manager treated me badly so I
left and got a job at a deli near my school.
M y best friend worked downstairs and would tell me,
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I would wonder, How
long was my tunnel?
I would sit in the booth doing homework. The manager
would ask me why I didnt go home. I told her that I didnt have a
home. She said her had husband died and if I shared a bedroom I
could stay with her. I agreed.
I graduated and received a scholarship. But, summer break
came and I got pregnant.
I went back to Chicagos streets. A friend introduced me to a
guy who said he wanted to take care of me. I told him to take a
cold shower. Later I ran in to him at a park. He got me an
apartment and months later we were married.
One day he said something that worked as a wake-up call to
me. He said, Your grandmother didnt have to take you.
I went to her house, but she had moved. M y friend told me
where she was. I found her house and knocked on the door. When
she opened the door, I said, I thought youd like to see your greatgrandson.
She said, Sorry, it has to be your first day. The phone rang.
I sat there feeling defeated, again! So near and yet so far, kept
running through my head.
I could hear the mans voice on the phone ask if anyone had
come for help. She told him that she had someone there but that
the person (me) had had orientation yesterday. He told her that
orientation didnt count and to sign her up.
Good news! she said when she hung up the phone.
Youre getting childcare!
T he day care w as w onderful and t he w orkers loved
my children. M y husband came back, before the two weeks, with
Band-Aids on his neck, singing, M y baby does this for me.
I was disgusted by him! I asked him to leave, but before he
left he said, Bitch, I took everything you had and you have
nothing left. Youll be calling me back!
This time I filed for divorce, in fear, and thats when hell
broke loose. His mother said she wouldnt get involved but became
the biggest thorn in my side.
I wanted to stop the divorce in order to stop the madness,
but didnt. He was not going to control me anymore. If David
could confront Goliath, I was going to confront this mess. I might
be afraid but I was also very determined.
I knew God was showing Himself to be real when, one day, I
was driving to school to take a final exam and I started talking to
Him.
God, I said, you made this world and everything in it
have money to pay for them. She asked if I wanted to bid $5.00. I
said, Okay.
Well, my soon-to-be ex-husband was bidding too. He said it
was to secure them for his wife: me! The silent auction ended at
5:00 p.m. and I got there shortly before only to see that he and
another woman were bidding against me. It was up to $50.00. I bid
$50.50 and won.
The man who had originally wheeled the tires in saw me,
stopped, and said, You won the tires, right?
YES! I responded.
He offered to put them in my car. I told him to wait. I didnt
have the money. The secretary called me over and said that she
knew I didnt have any money but that she was buying the tires
for me.
A man from a church put the tires on my car and said, One
day, when you have money, put a little extra in the offering.
I was going to school, working part-time, getting paid enough
for rent and gas, but I always seemed to have money for bills.
I received at least ten scholarships. Some were $1,000 each. I
started to believe that miracles were real. I finished the program
and was grateful that I didnt have to work a full-time job right
away because my baby had special needs; I was told he had
autism. He was different, but so cute and sweet. I didnt know
what autism was so I did research. I took him to occupational
therapy and, against his doctors wishes, I changed his eating by
removing gluten and casein. I used chelation to remove toxic metals
responsibility for what we do with our lives and our future. The
world needs you! Remember this when you feel afraid: FEAR
stands for False Evidence Appearing Real.
A successful p erson is one who takes every lemon that
life throws at him or her, squeezes the juice out, adds water and
sweetener, and drinks the lusciousness of life.
Oh, and that light at the end of the long tunnelI finally got
to it. Jesus!
In John 8:12 of the Bible, Jesus said, I am the light of the
world. If you follow me, you wont have to walk in darkness,
because you will have the light that leads to life.
It worked for me I AM FINALLY FREE!
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about her. I just knew I had dealt with her issues and, they were
not that significant. I certainly didnt consider myself an abused
child.
I had no idea what would happen. I began writing and it
seemed my fingers were disconnected from my body and my mind.
I was fascinated by the way my fingers wrote this letter all by
themselves. I could not believe the story. I watched it unfold all by
itself. Yes, it was my story. I had never seen it in black and white
before. I was shocked! I was torn between loyalty to my mother
and yearning to tell the truth. I was shaking, shivering, and
terrified, but I wrote the letter anyway.
Dear M om,
You loved me, and I always knew you did. And, you hated
me, and I always knew that too.
You taught me many love lessons. I want to remember some
of those lessons so I can repeat them in my own life. There were
other lessons I would rather forget. Yet, I know I need to remember
the hurtful lessons so I never ever repeat them in my life.
Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never
hurt me. Remember that old saying? Well, its a lie. I remember the
mean words from you, M om. They pierced my soul: Lee, I hate
you. You are so much trouble! I hate you. You moron. You are
stupid. What have I done in my life that is so bad that God would
punish me with a daughter like you?
You shook me and threw me against the wall. I ended up
with a black eye. You said, That black eye is your own fault. You
should never tell anyone how you got it because then everyone
would know how bad you are. Sometimes I didnt even know
what I had done wrong.
[Awakening: I think my mom felt stupid. She didnt go to
high school and always felt so ashamed about it. She was talking
about herself when she said terrible things to me, but she didnt
know it. I didnt know it either; I was just a little kid.]
M om: remember how I loved the Sears catalog? I looked at
that catalog by the hour. I imagined how I would look in those
pretty clothes. M om, you threatened me with that catalog. You
said, Lee, you are so shy and so afraid of strangers! Too bad for
you. Listen to me. You see all those kids whose pictures are in the
Sears catalog? Well, they were so bad that their parents sent their
pictures to Sears so strangers can order them! If youre not good, I
am going to send your picture to Sears and strangers are going to
order you and you can never come home again.
[Awakening: M aybe she felt like a stranger in her own home,
in her own village. She was probably talking about herself, but she
didnt know it. I didnt know it either because I was just a little
kid.]
Remember my brand new, red coat? Remember the Easter
party? I was so proud of my new, red coat that I jumped out of the
car to show everybody and slid face first into a great big, deep
puddle of mud. You said, Lee, you stupid, clumsy girl. Why dont
you watch where you are going? Didnt you see the mud? You
ruined your coat. You ruined our day. You ruin everything.
a totally rocky one, but the rocks were rounded and smooth and
easy to run on. We were playing tag and I just happened to run
across a place where another bonfire had burned out and the rocks
were still blistering hot. No matter which direction I ran, more hot
rocks. I screamed for help. I was frantic, running in circles,
screaming and crying.
M om, you came running to me. You picked me up and
carried me to the lake. You dunked my feet in the cool water. Then,
you carried me to the bonfire where the family was sitting. You
held me in your lap and sang to me. You rocked me. You held me
close. M y face was snuggled in your neck. It was blissful there in
your lap.
This is worth it, I said to myself. Its okay that my feet
are blistered. Its okay that they hurt really bad. Its worth it. Right
now I know you love me. You knew pain, and often felt unloved
yourself, and you wanted to comfort me.
Life was a mystery. I didnt know what I did wrong, and
didnt know what would please my mom from one moment to the
next. I tried really hard to make her happy. She often told me,
Lee, you smile too much. You laugh too much. Remember, so
much good equals so much bad. So, dont be too happy. The fall is
terrible.
A wink in the dark saved me. A wink in the dark saved my
life. The wink in the dark came from my darling Gramma. She was
the best psychiatrist in the world. She saved me. She saved my
sanity.
purpose for our lives that no one else could fulfill. I am, and you
are, unique, irreplaceable, and unduplicatable. We are adored by the
Creator. No person on this planet Earth can change that fact unless
you or I allow it. The God who created all things is a God of love
and He loves you and He loves, even, me.
The healing was easy now. That wink in the darkness led to
light. Light glowed in the form of forgiveness.
Continuing my letter:
M om, I know you can see me from Heaven. Its okay now,
M om. I forgive you and I love you and I always have. You did the
best you could. I understand you had a nervous breakdown when
you were young. And, M om, I am okay now. You dont have to
worry about me. I grew up to be a nice person. I think you are
proud of me. I raised a bunch of kids! I am a gramma myself now,
and even a great-gramma.
I help p eop le, M om. I am a t eacher and a t herap ist
and a p reacher somet imes. And, I went t o school, M om.
You alway s wanted me to have degrees so I got four of them! I
did that mostly for you.
And M om, I love my life and I love you. I am a happy
person. I am grateful for every lesson I learned. So, lets say
goodbye to the past.
All through my growing-up years, I felt that I was treated
unfairly. I truly believed that when I grew up, I would be the mom,
and my mom would be the little girl. With my hands on my hips,
my jaw jutting out a little, I defiantly said, You just wait, M om.
When I get big and you get little, and I am the mom and you are the
little girl, I am going to hit you! Im going to yell at you! Im going
to pull your hair!
That day never came and yet, in an unexpected way, it did.
Rather than a payback, the reward was a pay-it-forward.
As I got older and understood more, I couldnt wait to grow
up so I could tell my mom all the bad things she did and said to me,
and how bad and wrong she was. I studied psychology and earned
a few degrees. I learned all I could in that wonderful academy called
the school of life. I discovered my own weaknesses and flaws
and I was humbled.
I didnt need to tell my mom how bad she was anymore. I
just wanted healing for her. And there it wasa wink in the dark.
The process was full of struggles interspersed with moments of
free falls. Transformation is a process of alchemy. From dirty, dusty,
pitch black coal comes the miraculous sparkle of diamonds.
However, the abuse continued for the rest of my life, though
the form changed from physical to emotional.
I followed a plan of forgiveness that works for people of all
ages:
Name the person and the offense.
Write an unedited letter from beginning to end.
Read the letter aloud.
Burn the letter.
Relax and imagine a chain tying you to the
offender. Imagine cutting the chain with chain
cutters. Imagine the chain just floating away.
weak and shaky little voice. Lee, I have some bad memories. I
think I was not kind to you. Lee, did I give you a bad time all your
life? Oh, I am so sorry. [I had never heard her say sorry, no matter
what.] I dont know why I did that. You were always my number
one. I told everybody else how proud I was of you. I never told
you. Lee, I am proud of you and I love you.
Again, there it wasa moment of Heaven on Earth. Now I
really am the motherly, grown up one, who forgave the
little, help les s mom. F orgivenes s broke t he chain of get back and revealed a deep love.
A wink in the dark saved me. A wink in the dark is the
knowledge that you are loved, adored, and valued, always. Nothing
and nobody can change that fact. Sometimes the love gift comes
through a person and sometimes it comes directly from God.
Remember, all winks in the dark began in the eye of our Creator.
Are you winking in the dark? Look for your wink in the dark.
For every person on this planet Earth, there is someone who
discovered who each one, including you, really is. That someone
loved you and nurtured you, even if you only saw that person
once in a while. That feeling of love is never forgotten. Scan your
memory bank and find memories that heal and comfort you.
Are you a wink in the dark for someone who is wandering
aimlessly or suffering? Notice the lonely, lost, and hurting people
in your part of the world. Discover their uniqueness. Send love and
caring their way.
Our job here on planet Earth is to spread enough light to
EPILOGUE
Daniel Gutierrez
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