Beveridge Family News
Volume 2, Issue 1
Area Youth Named Most Talkative by Classmates
WARMINSTER, PA – The Beveridge
family added to its list of academic
achievements this May as its youngest
member, Keenan, was presented with the
Most Talkative Classmate Award by his
pre-kindergarten class.
Keenan’s achievement has touched off
a wave of celebration among his family.
“Sure, being class valedictorian is cool, I
guess,” said his father, Mike, beaming
with pride. “But the valedictorian’s
speech lasts, what, maybe twenty min-
utes? My kid yaps for twenty minutes
before he even gets out of bed in the
morning. Tell Mister Smarty-Pants Vale-
dictorian to top that.”
The coveted award is a sign of great
success to come, in the opinion of proud
Pop-Pop Tom Beveridge. “I worked in
construction for nearly forty years, and
there was one key to my success: On the
jobsite or in the boardroom, in the pub or
on the golf course, the guy who gets the
last word claims the victory. Being loud
also helps. But compared to that kid, I’m
a mime.”
Theresa Beveridge, the winner’s
Grandmom, was also overcome with joy
at the ceremony. “It’s hard to put into
words what this award means,” she said,
wiping away tears. “Hard for me, I mean.
Keenan’s got no problem at all. He has a
way with words. Like the Pacific Ocean
has a way with water.”
After the ceremony, the winner himself
made a brief statement summarizing what
the prize meant to him: “It was really
Keenan Beveridge (right) with his Grandmom in
a rare pause between sentences.
Holiday Edition
cool. Miss Debbie gave me the paper and
I waved to Mommy and Daddy. And I
waved to Grandmom and Colin, too. And
before, I was dressed like a carpenter,
cause I want to be a carpenter when I
grow up. And my friend Caroline was a
teacher, and I saw my friend CJ, and my
friend Matthew, and my friend Brandon.
And he was dressed like a racecar driver.
I can’t drive a car, but I have a scooter,
and I like to ride my scooter with Colin—
Local Boy Rides Two-Wheeler—
Few Casualties Reported
WARMINSTER, PA – Local youth Colin
Beveridge took a big first step toward
independence this summer when he rode
his two-wheeler without training wheels
for the first time.
Beveridge’s adventure began when his
parents gave him a new “big-boy” bike
for his seventh birthday in March. De-
spite his excitement as spring came,
Colin felt the pressure of a looming dead-
line: Bike Day at his summer camp was
scheduled for July, and he couldn’t bear
to face his friends with training wheels.
Beveridge’s father, Mike, also felt the
pressure. “Nobody wants to be the dad of
the kid who can’t ride a two-wheeler,” he
noted. The tension mounted when Colin’s
first efforts were less than promising—
although the greatest stress was not on
the boy’s psyche, but on his father’s
heart. “I ran behind him holding the seat
to the end of our street and back three
times in a row,” Mike recalled, shudder-
ing. “By the end the bike was the only
thing holding me up.”
Just when all hope (and breath) seemed
lost, inspiration took the place of perspi-
ration. After several failed attempts over
the course of three weeks, Colin and his
dad tried again at a local park built on the
former site of the Naval Air Development
Center. “We had a whole section of the
runway to ourselves,” Mike said proudly,
“Colin had fallen several times already
and was ready to quit, but we decided to
try one last time. I ran down the runway,
let go of the seat, and he just took off.”
Fresh off his triumph, Colin began
December 2006
he’s my brother. Mommy, can I have a
snack?” [Editor’s Note: Comments
abridged due to space considerations.]
Delighted mother Kathy Beveridge
saw a bright future for her son. “With
such a talent for verbosity, Keenan is sure
to be a success in life. But whatever he
does, we’ll be proud of him and we’ll
always love him,” she said tearfully.
“And we plan to tell him that. As soon as
we can get a word in edgewise.”
Bike Day at camp with a quiet confi-
dence—and he was even quieter when he
got home. “When I asked him how Bike
Day was, he didn’t say anything,” re-
called Colin’s mother, Kathy. “When I
asked him again, he got defensive and
said ‘It was just a little crash.’ I never did
get anyone to tell me what happened. The
camp counselors would get a faraway
look in their eyes every time they men-
tioned ‘the incident.’”
However, the family refuses to let the
mysterious circumstances surrounding
Bike Day diminish Colin’s triumph, see-
ing it instead as a springboard to bigger
and better things. “This is a big step,”
noted Kathy. “Every day he learns a new
skill like this is one more day closer to
the day he gets a job and moves into his
own place.”
“That’s the great thing about riding a
bike,” Mike noted. “Once you learn how
to do it, you never forget. It’s just like…,
just like….Well, I don’t know what it’s
like, but I know it’s like something.”
Colin Beveridge, easy rider.
Page A2
Trip to Disney World Captures Local
Family’s Hearts, Disposable Income
ORLANDO, FL – Walt Disney must
have been turning over in his cryogenic
tank at the thought of the crown jewel of
his theme-park empire being desecrated
by the most destructive force on earth—
the Beveridge family.
Walt’s nightmare came true in May
2006 as the Beveridges descended upon
The Happiest Place on Earth for a once-in
-a-lifetime vacation. The trip was made
possible by family friends Wende Peters
and Steve Bonsall, who offered to share
their rented house, and by sister-in-law
Stephanie Beveridge, who helped score
discounted park tickets. “I hadn’t been on
vacation with Kathy and Mike since we
graduated college, and it was so much fun
I always wanted to do it again,” Peters
said in recent interview. “Besides, with
their kids teaching my kids, we figured
we could do twice as much damage.”
Of all the terror-inducing rides at the
Disney parks, the one that was most
fraught with peril was the airplane ride to
Florida—the first-ever trip for seven-year
-old Colin and four-year-old Keenan.
“We were pretty worried,” admitted
Greatest Mom Ever Kathy Beveridge. “I
mean, we don’t even like going to the
grocery store, because after ten minutes
in the cart they start terrorizing the other
shoppers. Now imagine the grocery store
is 20,000 feet in the air, and you can ap-
preciate how tense it was.”
Nevertheless, the flight ended without
a major incident, and the family set off on
a voyage of self-discovery in the Magic
Kingdom, EPCOT Center, MGM Stu-
dios, and Disney’s Animal Kingdom.
Each family member had an important
revelation during their stay. Seven-year-
old Colin learned that he is an adrenaline
junkie who is drawn to the most thrilling
rides, such as the Tower of Terror, Test
The Brothers Beveridge take on Mickey.
Beveridge Family News
Track, and Space Mountain—a ride he
enjoyed so much he rode it four times
within a half-hour span. “It was awesome
but scary,” Beveridge recalled. “After the
fourth ride, they wouldn’t let us back on
because of all the screaming. But Daddy
wouldn’t stop.”
Kathy learned that the greatest thrill of
a Disney visit was leaving at the end of
the day with money left in her purse.
“You want to know my favorite ride?”
she snapped in an interview. “It’s the one
that doesn’t have a freaking gift shop
between us and the exit. I swear, they’d
put a gift shop in the ladies’ room if they
thought people would pay for the soap.”
Not coincidentally, Keenan learned that
he cannot live without making a gift shop
purchase every three hours. “Must…
have…Stitch…action figure,” the young-
est Beveridge stammered recently, clearly
still in withdrawal. The strength of this
attachment nearly caused a riot in the
Magic Kingdom (inset below).
The family agreed that Mike had the
most disturbing revelation. When asked
what he learned on the trip, the glassy-
eyed husband and father pointed out that
Disney Security Force: Incident Report
Transcript of a Disney Security Force report
about Keenan Beveridge dated May 26, 2006:
7:45 PM. Suspect boards Buzz Lightyear ride.
7:52 PM. Suspect has picture taken by in-ride
camera for later sale ($9.95).
7:55 PM. Suspect disembarks and sees picture
on hallway monitor. Suspect’s father refuses
request to purchase photo.
7:57 PM. Suspect exits through gift shop, sees
Buzz Lightyear Action Figure with Rotating
Lights [TM] ($12.95), and throws whining fit.
Father folds like cheap tent.
8:14 PM. Suspect re-boards ride with
Lightyear action figure.
8:16 PM. Lightyear action figure falls out of
car. Suspect wails like banshee.
8:24 PM. Suspect exits ride, still wailing.
Staff reports an “event” and shuts down ride to
find missing action figure.
8:26 PM. Smart-ass German teenager makes
obscene gesture at in-ride camera. Obscene
picture stuck on monitor after ride shutdown.
8:30 PM. Crowd trapped on ride getting rest-
December 2006
Mike Beveridge learns the world is small.
“it's a world of laughter, a world of tears.
It's a world of hopes, and a world of
fears. There's so much that we share, that
it's time we're aware, it's a small world
after all.” [“He’s been repeating that
since we got home,” said a worried
Kathy. “The doctor said the only treat-
ment is to play ‘Hakuna Matata.’ Some-
times the cure is worse than the disease.”]
None the worse for their experience,
the family returned home with warm
memories and a credit card that was still
hot to the touch three months later.
“Well, they say it’s a once-in-a-lifetime
experience,” noted Kathy. “Even if it
takes several lifetimes to pay for it.”
Mike agreed, noting: “It’s a small,
small world.”
less. Staff dispatched to hallway monitor to
put hand over obscene gesture. Event up-
graded to “incident.”
8:37 PM. Action figure not found. Suspect
still wailing. Smart-ass teenager climbs out of
ride. Safety protocols activated. Incident up-
graded to “situation.”
8:46 PM. Suspect still wailing. Magic King-
dom Parade starting in 15 minutes; guests still
trapped on ride.
8:58 PM. Replacement action figure given to
suspect for free. Suspect leaves to watch pa-
rade. Stormtroopers dispatched to quell upris-
ing of guests still trapped on ride.
(l to r): Jack Bonsall and Keenan and Colin
Beveridge get the punishment Disney thinks
they so richly deserve.
December 2006 Beveridge Family News Page A3

Rookie Athlete Takes Soccer World by Storm
WARMINSTER, PA – Area fans are
buzzing over the debut of local phenom
Keenan Beveridge, whose first season
with the Sharks of the Warminster Soccer
Under-6 “Smurf” league ended in mid-
November. However, despite the impact
he made in his rookie season,
Beveridge’s spectacular soccer career
certainly had humble beginnings.
After spending two years watching his
brother play, the phase of the game that
held Keenan’s interest was not its offense
or its defense, but rather its fashions. “He
had an instructional camp back in the
spring,” noted proud mother Kathy.
“Every Saturday he insisted on wearing
one of his brother’s old uniforms, right
down to the matching knee-high socks.
He was the best-looking kid on the field
every week. He didn’t know how to play,
but he looked fabulous out there.”
Area Youth’s Hoop Dreams Held
SPORTS
The official start of the season in Au-
gust was even less promising, as
Keenan’s first-ever practice ended in a
crying fit. “He watched every one of
Colin’s games for two years, and after
every game he saw the players get a
snack,” recalled his father, Mike. “So the
end of the first practice comes along and
he’s asking the coach for his juice box
and bag of Cheetos. When he found out
there was no junk food involved, he cared
less about practice than Allen Iverson.”
However, like all superstar athletes
with a snack-based aversion to practice,
Beveridge knew how to turn it on when it
counted. He was a major contributor to
the Sharks’ winning season, the high
point of which came when he scored five
goals in a single game. And while sharing
a uniform style and color with 12 team-
mates made it difficult to stand out, he
took advantage of a pre-game birthday
party in November to make an intimidat-
ing fashion statement.
“He had a mid-day birthday party be-
fore an afternoon game, and they had face
-painting,” Kathy recalled. “He refused to
wash up after the party, so he played the
entire game with his face painted like a
bengal tiger. ”
Beveridge’s meteoric rise to soccer
glory has impressed observers around the
league, particularly his father. “Yeah,
soccer. Great. I can’t wait for him to buy
me a new house when he signs his first
big soccer contract. Geez, can’t one of
these kids get into baseball or basketball
or win the lottery? What, do they expect
me to work until retirement age or some-
thing?”
In spite of all the answers he provided
in his breakout season, however, one
question continued to plague Keenan
long after the final whistle: “What’s a
Smurf?”

Back by Lame Coach

WARMINSTER, PA – Local youth Colin
Beveridge entered the winter athletics
season with a great deal of excitement
over his first experience playing youth
basketball. That excitement has been
dampened, however, by a coach who is
also having his first experience coaching
youth basketball.
The young Beveridge was first bitten
by the hoops bug this summer, when
neighbors Gene and Nancy Smith gener-
ously offered his family their old basket-
ball net. Now a permanent fixture in the
Beveridge’s driveway, the net sparked
visions of high-flying glory in Colin’s
mind, and he begged his parents to sign
him up for basketball. Those high-flying
dreams came crashing to earth a few
weeks later when the Warminster Basket-
ball Association put out a call for volun-
teer coaches—a call that was inexplicably
answered by Colin’s father, Mike.
“Our first practice was at 7:00 PM on
December 12, and I went there planning
to teach the kids everything I know about
basketball,” Mike recalled. “By 7:15 I
was pretty much done, and I was wishing
I had brought a video. I thought I was
faking it pretty well; then I started ex-
plaining a passing drill and one of the
kids said ‘I don’t know what you’re talk-
ing about.’ I thought the second practice
was much better, until the next morning
when Colin looked at me and said ‘You
don’t know what you’re doing, do you?’
That has to be a record: two practices
over five days, and already the parents,
the team, and my son all know I’m a
fraud.”
Confusion aside, Mike defends his
decision to volunteer. “The league sent Keenan Beveridge shows off his trophy.
out an e-mail saying they were desperate
and that they needed someone to coach
basketball in the worst way. I figured I
was the perfect person to do that.” When
asked what qualifications for coaching he
thought he possessed, Beveridge was
quick to answer: “Well, I bought a whis-
tle. And Kathy got me a clipboard for my
birthday.”
If there is one hope for the eager Colin,
it is that his father is highly motivated to
make his coaching effort a success. “I
know what’s at stake,” he said grimly. “If
he doesn’t get a scholarship in 2017, then
that’s four more years he’ll be living in Colin Beveridge wishing someone would teach
my house.” him how to play— a father figure, perhaps.
Page A4
Local Man’s “Healthy Lifestyle” Resolution Comes
as Surprise to Lungs, Muscles
WARMINSTER, PA – Area man Mike
Beveridge entered the new year with an
ambitious resolution—to exercise regu-
larly, pursue a healthy diet, and lose all of
the weight he had gained over the past ten
years. “He spent all of last December
babbling about getting back to his
‘playing weight,’” said Beveridge’s wife,
Kathy. “I assumed he meant playing beer
pong, because it’s not like he ever had an
athletic career.”
Despite Kathy’s doubts, Beveridge
boldly launched his healthy initiative in
January 2006, joining a local gym, at-
tending several nights a week, and eating
a salad with dinner every evening. How-
ever, Beveridge made a critical communi-
cation error—he failed to discuss the
resolution with his body, sparking a fire-
storm of controversy among his constitu-
ent organs.
Area Woman Survives Back
Surgery
ABINGTON, PA – Warminster resident
Kathy Beveridge has achieved celebirty
status at Abington Memorial Hospital
after undergoing surgery to remove one
of the largest disc herniations on record.
The herniation affected the disc between
vertebraes L4 and L5, putting pressure on
nerves in the spine and causing pain to
shoot down her back and into her leg.
Kathy’s husband Mike recalled his wife’s
ordeal in the months prior to the surgery.
“It was pretty bad. For about four months
she could barely get through the work-
day, and every afternoon she had to lie
down on the couch. It was hard for me to
see her suffer like that,” he noted. “Plus,
she was totally hogging my spot on the
couch.”
Kathy agreed that the pain was unlike
any other she had ever experienced. “If I
spent more than a few hours in a sitting
or standing position, my leg would go
absolutely dead. It was like carrying an
unbearable weight around all day. I mean,
I’ve been carrying Mike around for ten
years, but this was much worse.”
After consulting with her doctors,
Kathy decided that the best chance for
relief was through surgery, and she en-
Beveridge Family News
The first protests came from
Beveridge’s digestive system. “It was a
Friday night, and I was ready for pizza,”
his stomach said in a recent interview,
“when all of a sudden it’s raining lettuce.
I thought I was being punk’d, but the
same thing happened the next night and
the night after that. I can take a salad
once in a while, provided he covers it
with enough bacon bits to choke a horse.
But every day? Gimme a break.”
Complaints also came from Mike’s
lungs. “It’s crazy. He gets on that tread-
mill and starts huffing and puffing us like
a freight train. You know, there’s only so
much oxygen in the world. He’s being
very wasteful. If he needs to pretend he’s
in shape, why can’t he lift weights in-
stead?”
When asked to comment, Beveridge
confirmed that he had not incorporated
tered Abington Memorial to undergo a
microdiscectomy to remove the herniated
portion of the disc. The surgeon who
performed the procedure, Dr. Guy Lee,
turned out to have a Beveridge family
connection; he performed a similar suc-
cessful procedure on Mike’s aunt, Ceal
Beveridge, and he also directed the surgi-
cal residency of Ceal’s son-in-law, Pat
McDaid. “We asked Aunt Ceal for her
advice, and she said he did a terrific job,”
Mike recalled. “Plus, we figured he must
be genius if he could make a half-decent
doctor out of that quack McDaid.”
The procedure was a complete success,
although Kathy’s recovery was not with-
out its rough patches. After spending her
first post-surgical day on the couch,
Kathy got up and walked into the
kitchen—and promptly passed out on the
floor, scaring the bejeezus out of Mike
and her father, Rick Welsh. “She really
had us worried for a minute when she
was lying on the kitchen floor,” Rick
recalled. “Then she regained conscious-
ness and started talking about how cool
the tile felt and how nice the cabinets
looked from that angle. As soon as I
heard her ramble on about that remodeled
December 2006
weight training into his regimen, pointing
out that “those things are heavy, man.”
He stated that he had focused mainly on
his cardiovascular workout. “So my heart
will be pumping away when my body’s a
wreck.”
While Beveridge’s heart may have
appreciated his sudden interest in activity,
other muscles—such as his gluteals—felt
betrayed. “We had a pact,” said a con-
fused left buttock, spokesman for the
pair. “We provide Mike with a broad,
cushy place to sit, and he allows us to
grow unchecked. Now, between the run-
ning and the salads, we’re wasting away.
We’re trying to cut him some slack, but
really—how often can we turn the other
cheek?”
Despite the outcry over the past year,
some parties have remained immune to
the controversy. When asked to comment
on Beveridge’s efforts to lose weight, his
bathroom scale responded: “Mike has a
plan to lose weight? Cool! When does he
start?”
kitchen, I knew she was back to herself.”
Her kitchen collapse notwithstanding,
Kathy feels as though she has a new lease
on life. “I didn’t realize how bad I felt
until I started feeling better,” she noted.
“I’ve been sitting, walking, even exercis-
ing, and my back, hips, and legs are to-
tally pain-free. I still have a big pain in
the butt,” Beveridge confessed, “but I
can’t complain about that one. After all, I
married him.”
Kathy Beveridge basks in the healing power of
her kitchen (dramatic re-creation).