DICK WHITTINGTON

by NIGEL HOLMES

(c) Copyright.
All rights reserved

www.PantomimePantomime.co.uk

Dick Whittington 1
ACT I
PROLOGUE TO ACT I.
A FEW MOMENTS BEFORE "CURTAIN UP" THE
CARETAKER WALKS INTO THE AUDITORIUM WITH A
BROOM. (DRESSED IN A WAREHOUSE STYLE BROWN
COAT) HE HELPS DIRECT PEOPLE TO THEIR SEATS
AND GENERALLY INTERACTS WITH THE AUDIENCE
HURRYING THEM UP AND HELPING WITH COATS AND
HATS ETC.
JUST BEFORE CURTAIN UP (GIVEN A NOD FROM THE
DIRECTOR) HE GOES ON TO THE APRON OF THE
STAGE AND STARTS TO SWEEP THE FLOOR.
AS THE OVERTURE STARTS AND THE HOUSE LIGHTS
GO DOWN HE LOOKS AROUND HIMSELF SLIGHTLY
SURPRISED, SEEMINGLY CAUGHT OUT ON STAGE BY
ACCIDENT. HE STARTS TO DANCE ALONG WITH THE
MUSIC DOING SILLY MOVEMENTS WITH HIS BROOM
USING SWEEPING ACTIONS, GENERALLY MESSING
ABOUT AND GRINNING AT THE AUDIENCE AS IF
ENJOYING THE ATTENTION.
MUSIC CONTINUES UNDER HIS VOICE.
CARETAKER:

Come on, come on. Get yourself settled. We ain't got

time for you to be messing about. I need to be finished
and home at a decent hour or the missus will throw a
wobbly again. And trust me... when she wobbles you don't
want to be within wobbling distance.
Oi! You! (POINTING TO BACK OF AUDITORIUM) Yes you. The
one with the pointy head. Sit! And don't make a mess.
None of you, right. No mess. Any mess will be reported
to me and my broom knows no mercy when it gets angry.
If there's gonna be any sweet paper rustling then let's
get it over now. Come on, who's got sweets? Put your
hands up if you brought sweets in with you. Good. It's
best to confess now. Hands up all those who don't have
sweets. Right! You that's got them, pass some to those
who 'ain't. Sharing is good for the soul.
Have you all turned your phones off? Who hasn't?
(POINTING TO SAME PLACE) You again! Turn it off. Last
time we did this it was like being on a train. Ring
ring. Ring ring. (SILLY VOICE) "Hello Darling. I'm on
the train. Can you hear me?" Yes, we can all blooming
well hear you mate! We're on the train with you. So no
phones then. Turn them off or the broom will seek you
out.
For those of you who have never been to a pantomime
before, it's like Britain's Got Talent without the
buzzers. It's without Simon Cowell as well. Although,
look... (HE TURNS HIS BROOM UPSIDE DOWN SO THE BRISTLES
STAND UP) Look at that hair style. It's almost him
isn't it?

(MORE)

Hey, tell you what. Let's do the panto thing and give
Simon a boo. (POINTING TO BROOM) Simon will say
something nasty and you can all boo him. (USING THE
BROOM LIKE A VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY AND PRETENDING VERY
BADLY TO THROW HIS VOICE) "Look... I'm gonna be honest
with you. You can't sing and you've got a face like
Piers Morgan." (ENCOURAGE AUDIENCE TO BOO.) Oh dear!
That wasn't very good.

Dick Whittington 2
(CONT'D)

Poor old Simon didn't even hear that. Mind you, he's
made of wood. My broom that is, not the real Simon...
although... you might be right. (THROWING VOICE AGAIN
AND MOVING BROOM) "I don't just hate it. I loath it."
Boo! (ENCOURAGING AUDIENCE) Well I guess that's a bit
better.
As well as being caretaker at (NAME OF THEATRE/HALL) I'm
in charge of health and safety. So there's a couple of
notices before we start. (PULLS NOTES FROM POCKET)
Custard Pies! They tend to land in this area here
(POINTING AND CIRCLING AN AREA OF SEATING IN THE
AUDIENCE) But don't worry. All the custard is nut free,
and Low Calorie. However if you're a vegetarian or a
vegan then just keep your mouth shut.
Jokes! All jokes in the following performance are rated
on a scale of one to ten. One being - a light giggle.
Ten being - those containing the word "Bum". Those
people of light or no sense of humour are advised to
cover their ears throughout the whole show. You are
warned that this performance may contain sarcastic and/or
satirical passages which are directed at no one in
particular. Except her down the road at number 22.
Are you ready then? (AUDIENCE REACTION) I said are you
ready then? (AUDIENCE REACTION) Give a big round of
applause as we go over to Old London Town.
CURTAIN UP OR TABS OPEN AS CARETAKER EXITS.
END PROLOGUE

Dick Whittington 3
SCENE 1:

A STREET IN LONDON. (ALDGATE) -- DAY

SCENERY SHOWS A MARKET SQUARE WITH
FITZWARREN'S EMPORIUM TO ONE SIDE. THE SHOP
NEEDS A PHYSICAL DOOR OR IT COULD JUST BE AN
ARCHWAY LEADING OFF STAGE.
NOTE: IF THIS SAME SCENERY IS TO BE USED IN
FIRST SCENE IN ACT II THEN THERE SHOULD BE A
HINT OF THE DOCK SIDE IN THE BACKGROUND.

Musical number:

Villagers/Chorus and Alice. Singing and dancing.

Suggestion: Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner.

THE VILLAGERS AND CHORUS SING AND DANCE AS
THE CURTAIN GOES UP. HALF WAY THROUGH, ALICE
FITZWARREN COMES OUT OF THE SHOP AND JOINS IN
WITH THEM. SHE IS IN A PROMINENT POSITION
DOWN STAGE CENTRE WHEN THE NUMBER FINISHES.
ALICE:

What a great place to live.

centre of the world.

London town.

It must be the

THE VILLAGERS STAND AROUND CHATTING WHILE

ALICE GOES OVER TO THE DOOR OF THE FITZWARREN
SHOP AND PULLS OUT HER FATHER (ALDERMAN
FITZWARREN). SHE ALSO PICKS UP A BASKET
CONTAINING LARGE PIECES OF CHEESE.
ALICE:

Come on out Father. It's such a lovely day that you

should be out here enjoying the sunshine.

ALDERMAN:

That's as maybe Alice but I have business to attend to.

When you own a shop as big as this there are many worries.
AS THEY SPEAK THEY SHOULD WANDER AS FAR AWAY
FROM THE SHOP DOOR AS POSSIBLE.

ALICE:

Forget them for a moment and just enjoy the day.

ALDERMAN:

Enjoy the day? Enjoy the day, you say?

anything with so many problems.

ALICE:

Can things really be that bad Father? Tell me the

biggest problem and let's see if we can find a solution.

ALDERMAN:

My biggest problem?

ALICE:

Rats?

ALDERMAN:

Yes rats. Small ones, big ones, great huge fat bloated
ones. They're eating the stock and destroying my
business. If it goes on much longer we will have to shut
up shop.

ALICE:

Surely it can't be that bad.

ALDERMAN:

It's getting so bad that the rats are into every bit of
food stuff that we have. I bet they've even had a sniff
of that cheese in your basket.

ALICE:

Don't be silly Father.

How can I enjoy

Oh that's an easy one.

RATS!

They can't have got in there.

THEN ALICE MOVES SOME OF THE CHEESE IN THE

BASKET AND A LARGE STUFFED RAT JUMPS OUT AND
RUNS ACROSS THE STAGE, BACK INTO THE STORE.
ALICE AND THE CHORUS JUMP IN THE AIR AND
SCREAM. THE CHORUS EXIT IN ALL DIRECTIONS
SCREAMING.
ALDERMAN FITZWARREN JUST LOOKS ON UNMOVED.

Dick Whittington 4
The large stuffed rat is pulled across the stage by fishing line that has
been trailed out by Alice from the basket as she crossed the stage.
ALDERMAN:

You see.

Everywhere.

ALICE:

Don't give up Father.

(HE LOOKS DEFEATED AND SIGHS)

We'll find a solution somehow.

THEY MOVE BACK TOWARDS THE SHOP AS THEY SPEAK.

ALDERMAN:

There are just too many to deal with. They're even

chewing at the lovely silks and cloth that we import from
all over the world. If it doesn't stop soon I'll have to
let (LOCAL STORE OR SMALL SHOP) buy me out. Nothing
seems to stop these rats.
THE ALDERMAN AND ALICE EXIT THROUGH THE STORE
ENTRANCE. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE
KING RAT APPEARS IN A GREEN SPOTLIGHT AS THE
GENERAL LIGHT LEVEL DROPS.

KING RAT:

And NOTHING will stop us. Ahh haa haa haaaa!

rats, are taking over London.

My army of

(TO AUDIENCE) What was that puny little noise? Were you
trying to boo me? Me! King Rat. Master of all rats and
soon to be controller of London. If you want to boo me
then come on, let's hear it. (AUDIENCE BOO) Ahh haa haa
haaaa! That's not a boo. That was rubbish. No rat is
ever going to be frightened by that silly noise. Come on
you little people of (LOCAL TOWN), see if you can really
frighten King Rat! (AUDIENCE REACTION) (IN CHILDISH
VOICE) Ooooow! How frightening! The "likkle" people of
(LOCAL TOWN)"fink" that silly nasty ratty will be quaking
in his boots.
(LARGE COMMANDING VOICE) Think again people. Once I
have London I will be coming to seek YOU out. Your
little town of (LOCAL TOWN) will be crushed and over-run
by my masterful and obedient followers. Ahh haa haa
haaaa!
WITH A FLASH AND A TINKLE OF BELLS, LIT BY A
PINK SPOTLIGHT, THE FAIRY OF THE BELLS ENTERS
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE. WITH THE
STAGE IN DULL LIGHT IT WILL LOOK AS IF SHE
HAS ARRIVED BY MAGIC.
FAIRY:

Hey! Not so fast you evil rat.

I have a plan, for now, take that.
SHE FLICKS HER WAND AND THERE IS A TING OF A
BELL AS KING RAT JUMPS LOOKING LIKE HE IS HIT
BY A SMALL ELECTRIC SHOCK.

KING RAT:

And who are you when you're at home?

With power weak, just like a gnome.
That silly outfit, soft and white,
I bet you daren't go out at night.

FAIRY:

I am the Fairy of the Bells.

My wand is full of magic spells.
I know just how to scare a rat.
And all it needs is...ONE...BRAVE...CAT!

KING RAT:

A pussy? Their life's far too full.

They sleep all day and play with wool.
You'll never find one to fight me.
If found, I'll crush it, like a flea.
Ahh haa haa haaaa! (EXITS)

Dick Whittington 5
FAIRY:

(TO AUDIENCE) Don't worry. He won't win this battle. I

have a secret weapon. I can use the power of good to
bring forth a large cat who is so brave that no rat will
ever be able to withstand him. A champion of cats. A
cat with no fear. Watch out King Rat. The Fairy of the
Bells is on your trail. (EXITS)
LIGHT LEVELS RETURN TO NORMAL AND SARAH THE
COOK ENTERS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE CARRYING A
BIG BAG.

SARAH:

(TO AUDIENCE) Well, you're a lovely looking bunch. Look

at you. All dressed up and having fun. What do you
think of it so far? (AUDIENCE REACTION) Oh come on it's
not that bad. It's a laugh isn't it?
I'm Sarah by the way. I do stuff for the Alderman
Fitzwarren. What? No, not like that. Oooh, you naughty
people. The Alderman is the owner of that shop over
there. It sells almost anything. You name it, they sell
it. And I work in there.
I work behind the counter. Actually I do all sorts of
odds and ends. Old Fitzie even wanted me to model some
of the clothes. You can see why can't you? With a
figure like mine they would just rush out of the store.
The clothes, not the customers, silly. I said "How
kind". I suppose they just wouldn't be able to imagine
themselves looking half so good.
Let's have a look at you lot then. (HOUSE LIGHTS HALF
UP) Oooh look. Two bald men sitting next to each other.
You don't see that too often do you? No, wait a moment.
It a lady in a low cut dress.

Note: There is a chance here to read any lists of special groups attending
in the audience.
Is there anyone in the audience from (NEARBY TOWN)?
Good. The horse and trap reached you then?
Is there anyone in the audience who actually has a horse?
(IF NO ONE ANSWERS THEN SHE JUST POINTS TO THE BACK OF
THE AUDIENCE) Someone left something at the stage door
earlier. I think it belongs to you. Hang on.
SARAH BECKONS TOWARDS THE WINGS AND IDLE JACK
ENTERS WITH A BUCKET. HE IS HOLDING IT AT
ARMS LENGTH AND IS PINCHING HIS NOSE. AS IT
GETS NEARER TO SARAH SHE STARTS PULLING FACES
AND WAVING BAD SMELLS AWAY.
JACK:

Phew!

Cor!

Where did you get this?

SARAH:

This is Jack. Idle Jack.

never does anything.

JACK:

I do things!

SARAH:

What things?

JACK:

I do things like... er ... well lots of things.

SARAH:

When you're awake.

JACK:

Look!

SARAH:

"Fertilizer" is the word you're groping for.

JACK:
(MORE)

That's not what I call it.

We call him that because he

I got you this pile of...

er... Phew!

Dick Whittington 6
JACK: (CONT'D)

And I'm not groping around in there. Cor! It really

stinks. Smell it. (HE WAVES IT UNDER SARAH'S NOSE AND
SHE RECOILS)

SARAH:

Phawww!

JACK:

Whose is it?

SARAH:

Someone left it for my roses.

ready yet.

JACK:

Ready?

SARAH:

It has to be mature.

JACK:

It smells pretty mature to me. But hey! If you don't

want it then give it back to them. Where are they?

SARAH:

(POINTING TO PERSON WHO HAD HORSE OR IMAGINARY PERSON AT

BACK OF ROOM) Do you want it back? What do you think
boys and girls? Can we reach from here. (AUDIENCE
REACTION) (JACK LOOKS AS IF HE MIGHT THROW IT) Oh yes
we can. (AUDIENCE REACTION) Oh yes we can. (GO WITH
THE AUDIENCE REACTION FOR A FEW TIMES) Okay, you're
probably right. We'll save it 'till later.

Keep it over there.

But I don't think it's

How strong does it have to be before it's ready?

JACK EXITS WITH BUCKET. AS HE EXITS THERE IS

THE SOUND OF A BUZZING FLY. SARAH LOOKS
ROUND TO SEE WHERE IT IS, SWIPING AT THE
INVISIBLE FLY WITH HER BAG.
JACK RE-ENTERS WITH A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER AND
ALSO STARTS SWIPING ABOUT IN MID AIR. THE
BUZZING CONTINUES.
JACK:

Where is it?

SARAH:

There!

JACK:

Me?

SARAH:

You with your bucket of...

You caused this.

BUZZING STOPS.
JACK:

There it is. Stay still. (HE LOOKS CLOSELY AT SARAH'S

REAR THEN SMACKS HER HARD ON THE BUM WITH THE NEWSPAPER)
THE BUZZING STARTS AGAIN.

SARAH:

Hey!

You purposely pranged my protuberances.

JACK:

There it goes.
TO NEXT TOWN)

I think it's heading for (LOCAL REFERENCE

JACK RUNS DOWN THE STEPS AND INTO THE

AUDIENCE SWIPING OVER THE HEADS OF PEOPLE OR
HITTING CHAIR ARMS ETC.
SARAH:

Over there. (POINTING TO AUDIENCE AND AD-LIBING AS JACK

CAUSES AS MUCH CHAOS AS POSSIBLE) No, over there.

JACK:

Got it! Missed it! Can you see it?

(AD-LIB AS NECESSARY)

Over there!

JACK EXITS FROM THE AUDITORIUM AND BUZZING

FLY SOUND STOPS.
SARAH:
(MORE)

Phew!

I hate those things don't you?

Dick Whittington 7
SARAH: (CONT'D)

And that's not the worse thing that's been happening

round here. We've got rats! Big huge RATS! They get in
everywhere. Look! (SHE FISHES AROUND IN HER BAG AND
PULLS OUT A HUGE PAIR OF BLOOMERS. SHE TURNS THEM ROUND
AND THEY HAVE A HOLE IN THE SEAT) I've been nibbled in
me naughties.
Actually I used to have a pair of bloomers made from a
couple of union jacks. They weren't very comfortable.
Well, not until I took the flagpole out.
I turned them into a pair of Y-fronts for one of my
boyfriends. He said they were better than Viagra. One
pull on the lanyard and up it went.
Want to hear a poem?
going to anyway.

(AUDIENCE REACTION)

Well you're

Mary had a little lamb,

she also had a bear.
She showed the boys her little lamb,
but they've never seen her bare.
SARAH PULLS A TEDDY BEAR FROM HER BAG.
SARAH:

Mary had a little lamb.

It left her broken hearted.
'cause when she took it into school,
it only went and... talked back to the teacher.
Did I say? I do the cooking for Alderman Fitzwarren. He
loves my dumplings. (SHE HITCHES UP HER BOSOMS) But his
favourite is boiled beef and carrots.

Musical number: Sarah.

Boiled Beef and Carrots.

THE VILLAGERS ENTER AND JOIN IN WITH THE
CHORUS. THEY ALL DO A "KNEES UP" STYLE
DANCE. IDLE JACK ENTERS AND JOINS IN.
AT THE END OF THE SONG SARAH TAKES A BOW AND
EXITS WITH THE VILLAGERS.

SARAH

See you later boys and girls.

JACK:

She has a fine voice really.

spoils it by singing.

(EXITS WAVING)
But then she goes and

Phew, I'm whacked. I need to lie down. I can't be doing

with all this dancing lark. Too much energy for one day.
I could do with a sleep right now.
Actually I was a bit frightened about appearing on such
an auspicious stage such as (LOCAL REFERENCE TO
THEATRE/HALL). It's a bit scary for someone like me. So
I wondered if all you boys and girls could help me. I
need a bit of confidence you see. Let's think! What can
you do to help me? I know. Why don't I say "How am I
doing kids?" and you can shout back "You're doing great
Jack" just to give me confidence? Do you think you can
do that? (AUDIENCE REACTION) Let's have a practice.
How am I doing kids? (AUDIENCE REACTION) I need more
confidence than that. How am I doing kids? (AUDIENCE
REACTION) Great! Thank you. It will make me feel so
much better if you can remember to do that.

(MORE)

Hey! I say! Have any of you met Alice yet? She's the
daughter of my boss, the Alderman Fitzwarren.

Dick Whittington 8
(CONT'D)

She's beautiful. I love Alice.

AUDIENCE) But I don't think she
rich and I'm just a poor lad who
shop. I took the job there just

(TRY FOR "AHHH" FROM

loves me back. She's
works in her father's
to be near her.

DICK ENTERS AND STROLLS ACROSS TO JACK.

DICK:

Do you think they might give me a job too?

JACK:

I don't know.

DICK:

(SHAKING HANDS) How do you do? I'm Dick Whittington.

I've just come from Gloucestershire to make my fortune in
London.

JACK:

Gloucestershire? I thought you talked a bit odd. Is

that near (LOCAL REFERENCE TO NEXT TOWN)? I hear they
speak funny down there. And... you're going to make your
fortune here are you? You're joking, right?

DICK:

They say that the streets of London are paved with gold.

JACK:

Not round here mate.

DICK:

Isn't this London?

JACK:

Yes it's London all right, but no golden pavements.

least I've never seen 'em.

DICK:

Then I must find a job and somewhere to live. Do you

think the shop where you work would consider me?

JACK:

I don't know. You'd have to ask. Look! Here comes

Alice Fitzwarren. She's the daughter of the owner. She
might put in a good word for you.

You could always ask.

At

ENTER ALICE FROM SHOP

ALICE:

Hello Jack.

Have you seen my father?

JACK:

Not for a while.

needs a job.

DICK:

Please to meet you Miss Alice.

ALICE:

And I am very pleased to meet you too Dick.

looking for a job then?

DICK:

Yes, anything. I've just arrived and need work.

penniless at the moment so anything will do.

ALICE:

Can you serve in a shop.

JACK:

Hey, that's my job.

ALICE:

Okay, how about handy man?

DICK:

Anything.

ALICE:

I like you Dick Whittington. You seem a nice honest

chap. Let me have a word with my father and we'll see
what he says. (SHE EXITS TO SHOP)

JACK:

She's lovely.

DICK:

Very lovely.

JACK:

She's beautiful.

DICK:

Very beautiful.

Alice, this is Dick Whittington.

He

You're
I'm

You could do all the odd jobs.

I would be so grateful.

Dick Whittington 9
JACK:

She has sparkly eyes.

DICK:

Very sparkly eyes.

JACK:

And soft silky hair.

DICK:

Very soft silky hair.

JACK:

Hang on, hang on.

DICK:

Is she?

JACK:

Well no actually. I don't think she is.

help wishing she was.

DICK:

We don't always get what we wish for, do we?

JACK:

What do you wish for Dick?

DICK:

Oh nothing much. A warm home, a cosy bed with enough

money to bring up children and send them to Hogwarts.

She's in love with ME!

Not you.

But I can't

ALICE AND ALDERMAN FITZWARREN ENTER.

ALDERMAN:

Which one is he?

(LOOKING AT IDLE JACK)

ALICE:

No this is Jack, Father.

ALDERMAN:

Work! That's not what I hear.

for nothing.

ALICE:

Father, this is Dick Whittington.

He already works for you.

He's not called Idle Jack

THEY SHAKE HANDS.

DICK:

Good day Sir.

ALDERMAN:

Good day young Dick.

DICK:

Yes sir.

ALICE:

He can be the handy man, Father.

ALDERMAN:

How handy are you?

DICK:

Very sir.

ALDERMAN:

Can you add two numbers and make five? Can you stand on
your head and recite poetry? Can you eat your weight in
pork scratchings? Will you work for half pay?

DICK:

Yes sir.

ALDERMAN:

Okay, I'll take a chance on you Mr Whittington. You

start tomorrow. Now Jack, come with me. I have some
things I need you to do.

So you want a job?

Anything.

All of those things.

Give me a chance sir.

EXIT THE ALDERMAN AND JACK

ALICE:

There!

You're hired.

You have a job.

THEY START TO GAZE INTO EACH OTHERS EYES

DICK:

And I will be near you.

ALICE:

Yes.

DICK:

I will see you every day.

ALICE:

Yes.

Dick Whittington 10
DICK:

I do so much want to get to know you.

ALICE:

Yes.

Musical number:

Dick and Alice.

Suggestion: To know him is to love him. - Phil Spector (The Teddy Bears)
Also see The Beatles, Amy Winehouse, Dolly Parton and many others .
Note:

Sing as duet.

Swap words "Him" for "Her" where necessary.

ALICE:

I have to go. (SHE HEADS TOWARDS THE SHOP DOOR BUT TURNS
BEFORE EXITING)

DICK:

When will I see you again?

ALICE:

I'll be in the shop when you start tomorrow.

DICK:

I can't wait.
THEY WAVE LOVINGLY AT EACH OTHER. ALICE
EXITS THROUGH SHOP DOOR. DICK WALKS FORWARD
ONTO APRON AS TABS CLOSE BEHIND HIM.
END SCENE

Dick Whittington 11
SCENE 2. A STREET IN LONDON. (ALDGATE) -- DAY
PLAYED ON THE APRON IN FRONT OF CLOSED TABS.
DICK WALKS OUT THROUGH THE CLOSING TABS FROM
LAST SCENE. HE DRIFTS TO ONE SIDE OF THE
STAGE AS HE SPEAKS. HE IS LIT IN A SPOTLIGHT
OR POOL OF LIGHT.
DICK:

(TO AUDIENCE) She's lovely isn't she. I really want to

get to know her more. To be honest, I would like to get
to know anyone more. London is a big place and I don't
have any friends here. It's not easy to make friends
when you're new in town. (HE LOOKS SAD)
THE FAIRY OF THE BELLS ENTERS IN DARKNESS ON
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE. THERE IS A
FLASH AND A TINKLE OF BELLS. SHE IS LIT IN A
PINK LIGHT.
DICK DOES NOT SEE OR HEAR THE FAIRY.

FAIRY:

Whittington you need a friend

and I am here to meet that end.
This friend will never let you down,
and help you find your way in town.
To welcome him, just raise your hat.
He's here, look now, a magic CAT.
THE FAIRY WAVES HER WAND. A "TING"
HEARD. TOMMY THE CAT ENTERS BEHIND
AND THE FAIRY'S LIGHT FOLLOWS HIM.
BOUNDS TO THE CENTRE OF THE STAGE.
EXITS ONCE OUT OF THE LIGHT.
DICK RAISES HIS HAT TO TOMMY.
AND STROKES HIM.

SOUND IS
THE FAIRY
TOMMY
THE FAIRY

HE JOINS TOMMY

DICK:

Hello puss.

Where did you come from?

TOMMY:

(HE MAKES A "PUFF" TYPE GESTURE AND POINTS TO WHERE HE

ENTERED)

DICK:

What? (MAKING THE SAME "PUFF" GESTURE)

TOMMY:

(SHAKES HEAD AND MAKES THE GESTURE AGAIN)

DICK:

You got shot out of a cannon?

TOMMY:

(SHAKES HEAD AND MAKES THE GESTURE AGAIN)

DICK:

You came from a Gooseberry bush?

TOMMY:

(LOOKS FED UP AND LEANS CHIN ON FISTS)

DICK:

Does it really matter?

TOMMY:

(SHAKES HEAD)

DICK:

No, exactly. You're here now and that's all that counts.
Though you're a bit out of your way for a cat. Don't you
have a home to go to?

TOMMY:

(SHAKES HEAD)

DICK:

(SADLY) Nor do I. (CHEERING UP) At least not until

tomorrow when I start a new job. Then I'll have some
money to buy food and find somewhere to live.

TOMMY:

(GESTURES THAT HE WANTS TO JOIN DICK)

You exploded?

Dick Whittington 12
DICK:

Ha!

You want to come with me?

TOMMY:

(NODS HEAD ENTHUSIASTICALLY AND RUBS AGAINST DICK)

DICK:

Why not? Why not indeed? I could do with the

companionship. A name! We must find you a name.
call you Whiskers.

TOMMY:

(LOOKS TOTALLY OFFENDED AND SHAKES HEAD)

DICK:

Not Whiskers?

TOMMY:

(LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FUR SHAKING HEAD)

DICK:

What then?

TOMMY:

(MAKES A "T" SIGN WITH HIS PAWS)

DICK:

Tiddles?

TOMMY:

(DRAWS PAW ACROSS THROAT MAKING SLITTING ACTION.

"T" SIGN AGAIN)

DICK:

Tabby?

TOMMY:

(MIMES BEING SICK.

DICK:

"T".

TOMMY:

(NODS THEN MAKES "O" WITH PAWS)

DICK:

"T" then "O".

TOMMY:

(MAKES "LONGER" OR "EXPAND" GESTURE)

DICK:

Tom?

TOMMY:

(NODS AND JUMPS AROUND EXCITED.)

DICK:

Tommy! Pleased to meet you Tommy. I'm Dick. (THEY

SHAKE HANDS/PAWS) Starting tomorrow Tommy, you and I are
going off to make our fortunes. Money, fame and love.
All the lady cats will be after you when we're rich. You
will have a queue of them.

TOMMY:

(HE NODS HIS HEAD VIGOROUSLY AND RUBS HIS PAWS TOGETHER)

DICK:

Hey... I don't suppose you can dance can you? We could

go in for a talent show. I've heard that one was once
won by a dancing dog. How silly is that? (THEY BOTH
FALL ABOUT LAUGHING)

TOMMY:

(HE STANDS ON HIS HIND LEGS AND STARTS TO "WALTZ" AROUND

THE STAGE)

DICK:

(CLAPPING)

I will

Ginger then?

MAKES

MAKES "T" SIGN)

It starts with a "T"?

Longer?

Tom!

Thomas?

No? ... TOMMY!

What a clever cat.

What else can you do?

ENTER CARETAKER
CARETAKER:

Oi! I'll tell you what else he can do. He can leave
immediately. Pets 'ain't allowed in here.

DICK:

What?

CARETAKER:

Health and safety.

DICK:

But he's part of the story.

CARETAKER:
(MORE)

That's as maybe, but we have to keep standards up.

Rules is rules matey.

Dick Whittington 13
CARETAKER: (CONT'D)
I mean, the rules say that he has to have a flea collar
and a full Euro sized litter tray.
TOMMY HOLD HIS NOSE AND MIMES WAVING BAD
SMELLS AWAY FROM HIS BEHIND.
DICK:

He doesn't need one of those. He's house trained.

(STAGE WHISPER TO TOMMY) You are aren't you?

TOMMY:

(NODDING AND PULLING IMAGINARY TOILET FLUSH CHAIN)

DICK:

Anyway, how can we have a Dick Whittington pantomime

without his cat?
TOMMY IS NOW SHADOW BOXING IN FRONT OF THE
CARETAKER.

CARETAKER:

I need to consult the rule book on this. For the moment

I'm sending you two off for an early bath. (POINTING OFF
STAGE)
DICK AND TOMMY EXIT. THE CARETAKER FOLLOWS
THEM TO THEIR EXIT POINT. THE AUDIENCE WILL
PROBABLY BE BOOING.

CARETAKER:

(SPEAKING TO AUDIENCE) Hey, don't blame me. We have to

have rules or the world wouldn't keep turning.
LIGHTING CONCENTRATES ONTO THE CARETAKER
And if you think that I'm bad then you have a lot to
learn. I'm just doing my job. I'm not bad, (POINTING TO
OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE) But... HE IS! (EXITS)
KING RAT HAS ENTERED ON THE OTHER SIDE UNDER
THE COVER OF DARKNESS AND NOW A GREEN LIGHT
COME UP ON HIM.

KING RAT:

Ahh haa haa haaaa! A cat. A soft and furry dancing cat.
I'll deal with him before the night's out. I'll call my
fellow rats from the four corners of my Kingdom and show
this Whittington that his cat is no match for the power
of my rodent army.
But wait! I can feel that you don't belive me.
Especially you at the back with the pointy head. Soon I
will be the ruler of London. A rat will become Mayor.
Oh! Sorry, that's already happened with Boris.
Okay then, I shall rule the underground, and I don't just
mean the trains. All darkness will be mine. You will
fear for yourselves, particularly when you're out after
cocoa time.
Think you feel something brush your feet? It will be my
soldiers. Think you see a shadow cross your path? It's
us. We are everywhere. Here, there, in her ladies
chamber. Even IN her ladies chamber pot.
Ahh haa haa haaaa! (EXITS)
END SCENE

Dick Whittington 14
SCENE 3. INSIDE FITZWARREN'S STORE -- DAY
THE SCENE IS THE INTERIOR OF THE STORE WITH A
SHOP COUNTER SET CENTRE STAGE. THE COUNTER
HAS A SIGN SAYING "WIGS FOR SALE" NEXT TO A
SMALL DISPLAY OF WIGS. A FAKE (SOFT) FRENCH
STICK IS ON THE COUNTER AND A FEW BAGS MARKED
"TEA" AND "SUGAR" AND "SALT" ARE STORED
BELOW, PLUS A FAKE SIDE OF BACON.
THE STAGE IS FULL OF PEOPLE SINGING.
ALL HOLD LARGE LOLLIPOPS.

THEY

NOTE: OR THIS COULD BE A SONG AND DANCE BY

THE PANTOMIME "BABES" IF YOU HAVE A
CHILDREN'S DANCE GROUP IN THE SHOW. DRESSED
IN BRIGHT STRIPES IN LOLLIPOP COLOURS.
SARAH AND IDLE JACK TAKE PART. SARAH HAS A
MUCH LARGER LOLLIPOP THAN EVERYONE ELSE.
Musical number:
Suggestion:
SARAH:

Villagers/Chorus.

My Boy Lollipop.

Millie Small.

That's it. Sold out. No more Lollipops until we get new

stock. Off you go now.
EVERYONE EXITS EXCEPT SARAH AND JACK.

SARAH:

(TO AUDIENCE) I love lollipops, don't you? I love all

sorts of sweets. Mint humbugs, acid drops, sherbet dib
dabs. (TO JACK) What exactly is a dib dab.

JACK:

It's something you dibble where you like, and then dabble
it about a bit.

SARAH:

Fancy! We've all done a bit of that, haven't we girls?

Who wants some sweets then? (THROWING HANDFULS OF SWEETS
INTO THE AUDIENCE) The soft ones have all gone, so only
the hard ones are left.

JACK:

How do you know which are the hard ones?

SARAH:

You can see the teeth marks in them. (STILL THROWING OUT
SWEETS) If you get one you don't like, give it a lick to
clean off the fluff and pass it on down the row.

JACK:

I say!

SARAH:

(LOOKING DOWN) Sorry. I thought the dress covered it.

Yours is a bit small for a man of your age.

JACK:

My last girlfriend had a way of making it bigger by

licking it then dipping it somewhere nice.

SARAH:

Into honey?

JACK:

Yes.

SARAH:

When do you think we'll get some more stock?

JACK:

I don't know. In fact I'm losing confidence in my job

here. Hang on! (TO AUDIENCE) How am I doing kids?
(AUDIENCE REACTION) Wow, thank you. That makes me feel
a lot better.

Your lollipop is huge.

How did you know her name?

Stock? Yes. I've heard that Alderman Fitzwarren will

soon be making a voyage on the Saucy Sal to get some new
things for the shop.

Dick Whittington 15
SARAH:

Well it had better be quick as we don't have much left to

sell. Go and see what you can find in the stockroom.
JACK EXITS

SARAH:

This is what I like. Just me, alone in the shop.

Selling stuff to people. I would do really well on that
TV show with Alan Sugar. He wouldn't give me the finger.
"You're fired". I can sell anything. Mind you, I can't
sell these wigs. They've been here for years. They're
just collecting dust. I think this one used to belong to
Bruce Forsyth. (SHE PICKS UP A FRENCH STICK AND THUMPS
THE WIG. DUST COMES UP IN A CLOUD) Good game, Good game.
CAPTAIN AND MATE ENTER THROUGH SHOP DOOR.

SARAH:

Ah!

Customers.

Hello Gentlemen.

How may I help you?

CAPTAIN:

Four candles.

SARAH:

Ha!

CAPTAIN:

Are you the manager?

SARAH:

I am he.

MATE:

And a very lovely looking she if I might say so.

SARAH:

You may say so young man.

round me that way.

MATE:

I can see it would take a long time to get all the way
round you.

SARAH:

Cheeky!

CAPTAIN:

Let me introduce myself.

the sailing ship.

SARAH:

Saucy Sal sailing ship setting sail soon?

to say with these teeth.

CAPTAIN:

We sail tomorrow on the first tide, to get more stock for

Alderman Fitzwarren's shop.

SARAH:

The shop to which I am in employment of.

CAPTAIN:

This is my Mate.

SARAH:

How nice of you to bring your mate along to wave you off.

CAPTAIN:

No he's not my mate, he's my Mate.

SARAH:

Call him what you like lovie, it's still nice of him to
wave you off.

CAPTAIN:

He's the ships Mate.

MATE:

I'm the Mate of the ship.

SARAH:

What? The ship has a mate?

give it a cuddle.

MATE:

No, I splice the main brace and shiver the timbers.

SARAH:

Don't you go talking dirty with me.

CAPTAIN:

We need to buy some stores for the journey.

I'm not falling for that one.

Or should I say, I am she actually.

But don't think you can get

I am the Captain of Saucy Sal

Not too easy

Do you talk to the ship and

Dick Whittington 16
SARAH:

I'm sure we can oblige. (SHE PULLS OUT A LONG STRING OF

SAUSAGES) How about some sausages? Freshly caught this
morning just off the coast of (LOCAL REFERENCE TO NEAREST
COAST/LAKE/RIVER) Very useful on a long voyage. You can
eat them or just wear them when it gets cold. (SHE PUTS
THEM ON LIKE A SCARF) You can use them as a belt when
your trousers fall down. (DEMONSTRATES BELT) Or you can
use them to ward off marauding Pirates. (SHE SWING THEM
AROUND IN A BIG ARC AND THE CAPTAIN AND THE MATE DUCK.
THE CAPTAIN DUCKS FOR THE SECOND TIME ROUND BUT THE MATE
FORGETS AND IS HIT BY THE SAUSAGES AND KNOCKED TO THE
GROUND) Now I can see why you're the Captain.
THE MATE GETS BACK UP.

CAPTAIN:

Do you have any cheese?

SARAH:

No, we don't have any cheese.

MATE:

But I'm sure I could smell cheese when I was down there.
There's a very strong pong.

SARAH:

The strong pong? That'll be my feet. I don't know why

they stink. I wash them every year whether they need it
or not.

The rats have eaten it all.

THE MATE POKES A WIG THAT IS ON THE COUNTER

AND THE WIG SLIDES TO THE OTHER END.
(OPERATED BY SARAH FROM UNDER THE COUNTER SEE PRODUCTION NOTES) THE MATE JUMPS BACK IN
SURPRISE.
SARAH:

Don't touch that. (SHE PICKS UP THE FRENCH STICK AND

WHACKS THE WIG WITH IT, MAKING DUST FLY UP)

CAPTAIN:

Do you handle smelly floor polish?

SARAH:

Of course.

CAPTAIN:

Do you handle stinky paraffin?

SARAH:

Of course.

CAPTAIN:

Do you handle scented soap!

SARAH:

Yes of course.

CAPTAIN:

Then use the soap to wash your dirty hands and give me a
side of bacon.
SARAH PUTS A SIDE OF BACON ON THE COUNTER.
THE MATE POKES THE WIG AND IT SLIDES BACK
ACROSS THE COUNTER. HE JUMPS.

SARAH:

Don't touch that wig. (SHE WHACKS IT WITH THE BACON.

DUST FLIES UP) Whoops. That was your bacon. Not to
worry. It's only got a few bits on it. (SHE SPITS
LOUDLY ON THE BACON AND RUBS IT WITH HER SLEEVE) There.
That's better.

CAPTAIN:

Books?

MATE:

Yes, what books have you got.

SARAH:

Gentlemen, you've come to the right place. We have a

very new book that's come in. (SHE BRINGS A BOOK FROM
UNDER THE COUNTER) This has just been delivered.

MATE:

What's it about?

We'll need some books to read on the long voyage.

Ones with reading in.

Dick Whittington 17
SARAH:

Banana's

CAPTAIN:

It's about banana's?

MATE:

Banana's?

SARAH:

No it's for the ladies.

banana.

CAPTAIN:

What's it called?

SARAH:

50 shades of yellow.

Is it a cookery book?
Lots of things you can do with a

THE MATE TOUCHES THE WIG AGAIN AND JUMPS BACK

AS IT SHOOTS ACROSS THE COUNTER. SARAH TAKES
THE FRENCH STICK AND WHACKS THE WIG AND DUST
FLIES.
SARAH:

I've told you already with my mouth. Now I'm telling you
with my loaf. (SHE WHACKS THE MATE WITH THE FRENCH
STICK) Don't touch that wig.

CAPTAIN:

Shoes.

SARAH:

You're already wearing them.

CAPTAIN:

Have you got any shoes in size nine?

SARAH:

(SHE PUTS A PAIR OF SHOES ON THE COUNTER)

CAPTAIN:

They look a bit small.

SARAH:

Try them with the tongue out.

CAPTAIN:

(HE STICKS HIS TONGUE OUT, SO DOES THE MATE, AND SPEAKS
WITH A LISP) They still look a little small to me.

I want the cheapest shoes in the shop.

Try these.

THE MATE TOUCHES THE WIG AGAIN AND IT SHOOTS

BACK ACROSS THE COUNTER. SARAH HITS THE WIG
WITH THE FRENCH STICK AND THEN HITS THE MATE
WHO FALLS DOWN.
SARAH:

Will you NOT touch that wig.

CAPTAIN:

Have you got any tea?

MATE:

(GETTING BACK UP)

SARAH:

Tea. We have sacks of tea.

OF TEA)

CAPTAIN:

Take
MATE
mind
(THE

SARAH:

Well silly you luvie. Sugar not tea.

mistake. Here's some sugar.

Tea?
(SHE HANDS HIM A SMALL SACK

this to the ship, Mate. (HE GIVES THE TEA TO THE

WHO STARTS TO WALK OUT) No, hold on a moment. My
is going blank. I didn't mean tea, I meant sugar.
MATE RETURNS)
An obvious

THEY SWAP THE SACK OF TEA FOR A SACK OF SUGAR.

CAPTAIN:

Take this to the ship, Mate. (HE GIVES THE BAG OF SUGAR
TO THE MATE WHO STARTS TO WALK OUT) No hold on a moment.
I didn't mean sugar. It's all the excitement of the
voyage. I meant that other white stuff. Salt. (THE
MATE RETURNS)

SARAH:

Oh dear. You silly old salty sea dog you.

Almost the same thing. An easy mistake.

Sugar.

Salt.

Dick Whittington 18
THEY SWAP THE SACK OF SUGAR FOR A SMALL SACK
OF SALT. THE CAPTAIN AND THE MATE GO TO EXIT.
SARAH:

Hold on a moment you saucy little sea-going rascal.

haven't paid me for the salt.

You

CAPTAIN:

I didn't need to.

SARAH:

So you did.

CAPTAIN:

That's because I swapped it for the tea.

SARAH:

That's right.
tea.

CAPTAIN:

Well of course not.

the tea.

SARAH:

Oh that's right... You didn't want the tea. (TO

AUDIENCE) He didn't want the tea, did he? I think I've
just been diddled somewhere I didn't want to be diddled.
But I have to say that I didn't feel a thing.

I swapped it for the sugar.

But hang on, you didn't pay me for the sugar.

But one moment.

You didn't pay me for the

Don't you remember?

We didn't want

THE MATE GOES TO TOUCH THE WIG AGAIN AND IT

SLIDS TO THE OTHER END OF THE COUNTER. SARAH
HITS IT AND DUST COMES UP.
SARAH:

Don't touch that wig. It doesn't like it's dust being

disturbed. (SHE WHACKS THE MATE AGAIN)

MATE:

I never DO get to touch it.

it.

SARAH:

That's because you frightened it with your jerky

movements. Try moving slowly towards it and it won't
run. But watch out for the dust.

It moves whenever I go near

THE MATE BENDS DOWN WITH HIS FACE CLOSE TO

THE WIG SARAH WHACKS HIM ON THE BACK OF THE
HEAD. HIS HEAD GOES DOWN FURTHER AND HIS
FACE GETS SQUIRTED AND TOTALLY COVERED IN
WHITE DUST. HE STANDS UP AND SHOWS HIS WHITE
FACE TO THE AUDIENCE.
(NOTE: THE "DUST" IS FLOUR THAT IS PUFFED BY
SARAH FROM A SQUEEZY PUFFER BOTTLE - SEE
PRODUCTION NOTES)
SARAH:

How many times did I tell you not to touch that wig.
it's gone all defensive. Get out of my shop.

Now

SARAH CHASES THE CAPTAIN AND MATE AROUND THE

SHOP TRYING TO HIT THEM WITH THE FRENCH
STICK. THEY CIRCLE THE COUNTER A COUPLE OF
TIMES THEN SARAH REALISES THAT IF SHE STANDS
STILL THEY WILL COME ROUND AGAIN. SHE STOPS
AT THE END OF THE COUNTER AND WHACKS THEM
BOTH AS THEY PASS. THEY GO ROUND AGAIN AND
GET WHACKED ONE MORE TIME BEFORE MAKING THEIR
EXIT.
Note: There is a chance here for a silly Keystone Cops sequence with a
flashing strobe light and silly music.
ENTER ALDERMAN FITZWARREN AND DICK.
PUTS HIS BUNDLE ON THE COUNTER.
ALDERMAN:

Sarah, you're looking good.

SARAH:

It must be all those Marathons.

DICK

Dick Whittington 19
ALDERMAN:

Have you been running Marathons?

SARAH:

Not running them.

ALDERMAN:

Sarah, this is a new boy to help you in the shop.

Whittington.

DICK:

Please... Call me Dick.

SARAH:

Ooo!

ALDERMAN:

He will be nightwatchman tonight. We need someone to

guard the takings. We have a lot of money at the moment
due to the Saucy Sal sailing on the morning tide. The
captain needs the cash to buy all the items for the shop.

DICK:

Thank you sir for giving me a job.

ALDERMAN:

You don't have me to thank son. It was Alice who said I

should employ you. For some reason she saw something
good in you.

DICK:

I will thank her when I see her.

ALDERMAN:

Just see that you do a good job and we'll get on fine.
(EXITS)

SARAH:

I'll go and lock the shop door for closing time.

Eating them.

Just what I've always wanted.

Dick

A lovely young Dick.

I won't let you down.

SARAH GOES TO THE SHOP DOOR/ENTRANCE AND AT

THE SAME TIME IDLE JACK ENTERS FROM THE OTHER
SIDE WITH ALICE.
ALICE:

How are you getting on Dick?

DICK:

It's too early to say. This is all too new to me and I

don't know what's expected.

ALICE:

Just do your best.

fine.

JACK:

And don't forget confidence. You

people like me haven't got much.
to get it. (TO AUDIENCE) How am
(AUDIENCE REACTION) Thanks. Now
quite tired with all this work.

ALICE:

You haven't done any work yet.

JACK:

I know, but just the thought of it makes me tired.

Be honest in all things and you'll do

need that, even if
Although I do know how
I doing kids?
I feel a lot better but

SARAH AND TOMMY ENTER TOGETHER

SARAH:

Look what I found outside the door.

A cat.

TOMMY:

(GOES OVER TO DICK AND RUBS AGAINST HIM)

DICK:

This is Tommy.

TOMMY:

Meow.

ALICE:

He's lovely.

SARAH:

Very clever and intelligent.

TOMMY:

(GOES ROUND AND SHAKES EVERYONE'S HANDS)

He's with me.

(BOWS TO EVERYONE)

ENTER ALDERMAN FITZWARREN HOLDING A BAG OF

CASH.

Dick Whittington 20
ALDERMAN:

This is the money for buying all the stock when the Saucy
Sal goes into the ports. It's almost all the money I
have so it needs to be taken care of.
HE PUTS THE MONEY BAG ONTO THE COUNTER AND AS
HE DOES, THE LIGHTS DIM AND THERE IS A
LIGHTENING FLASH. EVERYONE IS FROZEN IN TIME
EXCEPT TOMMY WHO HIDES BEHIND THE END OF THE
COUNTER, BUT STILL VISIBLE TO THE AUDIENCE.
KING RAT ENTERS AND IS LIT BY A GREEN LIGHT.

KING RAT:

Ahh haa haa haaaa!

Now to carry out my evil plan.

KING RAT VERY OBVIOUSLY PICKS UP THE BAG OF

MONEY AND PLACES IT IN DICK'S BUNDLE. HE
RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER IN GLEE. THE
AUDIENCE WILL PROBABLY BE BOOING AT THIS
POINT.
KING RAT:

(TO AUDIENCE) What! You lot don't scare King Rat. If

you don't keep quiet I'll send my army of rats to all
your homes and leave currents in your muesli. Ahh haa
haa haaaa!
KING RAT EXITS. THERE IS A LIGHTNING FLASH
AND THE STAGE LIGHTS RETURN TO NORMAL.
EVERYONE WAKES UP.

ALDERMAN:

The best thing to do is put this money in the safe...

Where is it? The money? It's gone.

ALICE:

Don't be silly Father.

Where did you put it?

ALDERMAN:

There!

SARAH:

He did.

ALICE:

It can't be there one second and then gone the next.

TOMMY:

Meow!
MIME)

DICK:

What is it Tommy?

TOMMY:

(HE MAKES CLAWING SIGNS AND STARTS HISSING, IMITATING

KING RAT) Hisssss!

SARAH:

See. It was taken by a dinosaur.

DICK:

Show us more Tommy.

TOMMY:

(HE POINTS TO WHERE THE MONEY WAS)

DICK:

The money?

TOMMY:

(HE MIMES PICKING UP THE MONEY AND HOLDING IT TO HIMSELF)

DICK:

Someone picked up the money?

TOMMY:

Meow! (NODDING YES. HE DOES AN EXAGGERATED TIP TOE TO

WHERE DICK'S BUNDLE IS)

DICK:

Then this person moved the money somewhere?

TOMMY:

(NODDING YES. HE THEN POINTS TO DICK'S BUNDLE AND AT THE

SAME TIME COVERS HIS OWN EYES IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

DICK:

My belongings?

It can't just have disappeared.

I put it there. Just now.

I saw him with my eyeballs.

Both of them.

(HE TUGS DICK'S ARM AND STARTS TO TELL A STORY IN

Yes we know it was there.

Why point at my belongings.

Dick Whittington 21
ALDERMAN:

What is all this playacting.

everyone must be searched.

The money has gone and

SARAH:

Oooo goodie! Can I choose who's going to frisk me.

have standards you know.

JACK:

It wasn't me.

ALICE:

No wait.

TOMMY:

(AGAIN POINTING TO DICK'S BUNDLE)

ALICE:

Are you saying that the money is in there.

TOMMY:

Meow!

ALICE:

But how could it have got in there.

seen it.

TOMMY:

Meow...yow...yow...yow. (HE MIMES HYPNOTISING HIMSELF AND

THEN STANDS STILL)

ALDERMAN:

Enough. The cat seems to think the money is in Dick's

belongings so let's start there.

DICK:

With pleasure.

I was probably asleep.

Tommy is trying to tell us something.

(NODS)
We would have all

I have nothing to hide.

DICK REACHES INTO HIS BUNDLE AND IN SURPRISE,

PULLS OUT THE BAG OF CASH, HOLDING IT HIGH.
EVERYONE LOOKS ON IN HORROR.
ALDERMAN:

It was you all the time. I don't know how you did it,
but there it is. My money in your bundle. (HE SNATCHES
THE MONEY BAG BACK) Get out! (POINTING)

ALICE:

But Father!

ALDERMAN:

I should never have trusted you.

ALICE:

But Father this can't be right.

ALDERMAN:

Don't try to defend him.

now and never come back.
animal with you.

Get out of my shop.

We caught him red handed.

And take that flea ridden

Go

DICK AND TOMMY WALK OUT OF THE SCENE THROUGH

THE CLOSING TABS AND ONTO THE APRON.
CLOSE TAB
END SCENE

Dick Whittington 22
SCENE 4. HIGHGATE HILL -- DAY
DICK AND TOMMY WALK ONTO THE APRON THROUGH
THE CLOSING TABS.
DICK:

How did that happen Tommy?

TOMMY:

Meow.

DICK:

I didn't do anything.
in my belongings.

TOMMY:

Hissss!

DICK:

It's that dinosaur again is it?

TOMMY:

(LOOKS SAD AND SHAKES HEAD)

DICK:

Perhaps London is not such a good place to be after all.

No one seems to like me. Except Alice. I shall be sad
to leave Alice. Look Tommy. (POINTING TO SIDE OF
AUDITORIUM) I can see the whole expanse of London from
here. It looks so nice and innocent. I'll have to go
home to Gloustershire. But Tommy! You must stay. A cat
can find a nice home here.

TOMMY:

(SHAKES HEAD VIGOROUSLY AND RUB HIMSELF AGAINST DICK)

DICK:

But it's no good staying with me.

getting anything right.

TOMMY:

(MIMES THAT HE WANTS TO STAY WITH DICK)

DICK:

You want to stay with me?

TOMMY:

(NODS)

DICK:

That's brave of you. I will be very happy to have you

along as a friend even though I have no idea where my
life is going. I don't even know where we are now.
That's London down there but...

(SHAKES HIS HEAD AND LOOKS SAD)

I have no idea how the money got

(MAKES CLAWING MOTIONS TO ILLUSTRATE A RAT)

I don't seem to be

THE CARETAKER ENTERS CARRYING A SCENERY CUT

OUT OF A MILE STONE.
CARETAKER:

Highgate Hill young man. You're on Highgate Hill.

Haven't you read the script?

DICK:

What's that. (POINTING TO MILE STONE WHICH THE CARETAKER

IS POSITIONING TO ONE SIDE OF THE APRON)

CARETAKER:

It's supposed to be a mile stone, but I've no idea who

painted this abomination.

DICK:

A mile stone?

CARETAKER:

Got it in one.

DICK:

But I don't care about London. London has turned me

away. Does your milestone tell me how far it is to
Gloustershire?

CARETAKER:

No, sorry son.

DICK:

It looks like it.

CARETAKER:

I'll tell you what. I'll go and look it up on Google

Earth. We can see how long it'll take you to get back.
The cat! Has he used the litter tray?

Telling me how many miles to London?

You going home then?

Dick Whittington 23
TOMMY:

(SHAKES HIS HEAD)

CARETAKER:

I hope he can wait until the interval.

TOMMY:

(NODDING AND PUTTING HIS THUMB UP)

CARETAKER:

Good. Okay, I'll go and find the route to Gloustershire

and you can put it in yer G.P.S.
THE CARETAKER EXITS.
START TO DROP.

DICK:

THE LIGHTING LEVELS

Oh Tommy, it's getting late. I think we'll have to spend

another night under the stars.
DICK AND TOMMY GO OVER TO THE MILESTONE AND
GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR TO SLEEP. THE LIGHTING
CONCENTRATES DOWN ON THEM.

DICK:

We'll start for Gloustershire in the morning.

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE THE FAIRY OF
THE BELLS ENTERS IN A FLASH AND IS LIT BY A
PINK LIGHT.

FAIRY:

As Dick and Tommy fall to sleep,

a vigil over them I'll keep,
and gently show them in a dream,
that there might be another scheme.
Let London's bells ring out for joy,
and stir the mind of this brave boy.
Whittington must turn again,
or Alice he will love in vain.
Ring out Bow Bells and tell your son
he'll soon be Mayor of all London.
(LOUD AND COMMANDING AS THE BELLS START) Turn again
Whittington. Lord Mayor of London.
THE BELLS OF BOW PEAL OUT.
THE TABS START TO OPEN AS THE FAIRY OF THE
BELLS WALKS INTO NEXT SCENE. DICK AND TOMMY
REMAIN ASLEEP.
END SCENE

Dick Whittington 24
SCENE 5. HIGHGATE HILL (DICK'S DREAM) -- MOMENTS LATER
AS THE TABS OPEN, DICK AND TOMMY ARE SLEEPING
BY THE MILE STONE (ON APRON). THE FAIRY OF
THE BELLS STEPS INTO THE SCENE THROUGH THE
OPENING TABS.
THE SCENERY SHOWS LONDON IN THE DISTANCE (OR
PERHAPS A PLAIN SKY WITH CLOUDS) EVERYTHING
IS BRIGHTLY LIT WITH LOTS OF LIGHT COMING
FROM HIGH AND BEHIND THE ACTORS ALMOST
PUTTING THEM INTO SILHOUETTE.
A full screen of netting would make this dream sequence work better if it
is possible. It should separate those on the apron (Dick, Tommy, Fairy)
from the other actor/dancers, making a clear definition as to who is in the
dream and who is watching.
ONCE THE DREAM SEQUENCE STARTS, DICK AND
TOMMY SLOWLY WAKE AND GRADUALLY STAND TO
WATCH THE DREAM.
TO START WITH, THE BELLS PEAL OUT ON THEIR
OWN, BUT GRADUALLY GET MORE RHYTHMICAL. THE
VOICES GENTLY START TO CHANT "TURN AGAIN
WHITTINGTON. LORD MAYOR OF LONDON."
GRADUALLY BECOMING LOUDER AND MORE DISTINCT
LEAVING THE BELLS TO FADE.
THIS IS MIXED WITH A ROUSING "BRITISH"
CLASSICAL PIECE LIKE "LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY".
Musical Number:

Dream sequence using dancers and singers (Chorus).

Suggestion: "Land of Hope and Glory" from Pomp and Circumstance, March No 1
(The end section).
DANCERS AND OTHERS OF THE CHORUS CARRY HUGE
CUT-OUT BELLS WHICH THEY SWAY FROM SIDE TO
SIDE. LOTS OF FLAG WAVING AND PATRIOTISM.
DURING THE SEQUENCE DICK IS SHOWN, ONE BY
ONE, THE REGALIA OF THE MAYOR'S OFFICE. A
LARGE STATELY CRIMSON CLOAK, THE THREE
CORNERED HAT, THE GOLD CHAIN, THE CEREMONIAL
SWORD.
DICK DOESN'T SEEM TO FULLY SEE THE DREAM
PEOPLE YET HE WAKES UP AND LOOKS INTO THE
DISTANCE.
DICK:

Can you hear it Tommy?

TOMMY:

Meow! (PUTS HAND TO CUP EAR)

DICK:

What are they saying?

TOMMY:

Meow!

DICK:

Yes! That's it Tommy. You can hear it too. They say

that I am to be Lord Mayor of London one day. Tommy! We
must go back. We must turn again. We mustn't run away
from our troubles. Nothing will ever be achieved by
running away.

TOMMY:

Meow! (NODDING)

DICK:

Listen Tommy! There it is again.

Whittington. Turn again.

TOMMY:

Meow!

Turn again

Dick Whittington 25

THE MUSIC RISES TO A CRESCENDO AS DICK IS

GRADUALLY TAKING UP THE CLASSIC POSE WITH HIS
STICK AND BUNDLE OVER HIS SHOULDER, TOMMY
SITTING BY HIS SIDE AND THE MILE STONE
BEHIND, LOOKING AND POINTING OFF INTO THE
FUTURE. ALL THE OTHER ARTISTS EXIT LEAVING
JUST DICK AND TOMMY.
DICK:

Tommy! ... We're going back.

THE LIGHTING ON THE MAIN STAGE COMES UP TO
IT'S FULLEST BRIGHTNESS LEAVING A SILHOUETTED
TABLEAU OF DICK WHITTINGTON AND HIS CAT
POINTING TO LONDON.
CURTAIN

Note: If stage settings leave Dick and Tommy in front of the main curtain
they should stride off purposefully (breaking their pose) as the curtain
falls.
END SCENE
END ACT I
INTERVAL

Dick Whittington 26
ACT II
PROLOGUE TO ACT II
THE CARETAKER INTERACTS WITH THE AUDIENCE,
MIXING IN WITH THEM IN THE AUDITORIUM DURING
THE LAST FEW MOMENTS OF THE INTERVAL. HE
THEN GOES UP ON STAGE WHEN THE HOUSE LIGHTS
DIM.
CARETAKER:

Come on, come on. Get yourself sorted out please! I

told you before, I need to get home at a decent hour and
the way you lot are going I'll be in more trouble from
the missus.
I don't want to get on the wrong side of her again. Not
after last night. When I finally got home I knew
instantly my dinner was salad. I couldn't smell anything
burning.
The missus said "You're late, so it's salad." I know
it's salad, I said. I thought you said there would be a
choice. "There is a choice," she said. "Take it or
leave it."
She's probably still upset because her birthday present
had to go back. I don't know why. I got it in sunburst
yellow, her favourite colour, with lots of shinny chrome.
I said, I've got you something that goes from 0 to 60 in
3 seconds... Bathroom scales.
Now where were we? Oh yes. The Saucy Sal is sailing
today. Making for foreign parts. The Captain and Mate
are getting ready to sail so let's have a big round of
applause as we join them down at the docks.
TABS OPEN AND THE CARETAKER WALKS INTO THE
NEXT SCENE TO JOIN IN THE DANCING.
END SCENE

Dick Whittington 27
SCENE 1. THE DOCKSIDE -- DAY
THE SCENE IS A LONDON SQUARE WITH SHOPS ON
EITHER SIDE AND THE SAUCY SAL TIED UP AT THE
DOCK. THERE IS A GANGPLANK (OR RAMP) UP ONTO
THE SHIP.
AS THE TABS OPEN THE CHORUS AND VILLAGERS ARE
SINGING AND DANCING. THE CARETAKER JOINS IN
FOR A FEW MOMENTS AND THEN EXITS. THE
DANCERS CARRY "CARGO" ON BOARD THE SAUCY SAL
AS PART OF THE DANCE.
Musical number:

Chorus and Villagers.

Suggestion: In the Navy. By the Village People.

Sailor's Hornpipe" on at the end.

Perhaps mixing "The

AS THE MUSICAL NUMBER FINISHES THE ALDERMAN

FITZWARREN AND THE CAPTAIN ENTER.
ALDERMAN:

Are you ready to sail?

CAPTAIN:

Indeed we are.

ALDERMAN:

Come back with some nice stock Captain. I'm relying on

you to bring it back in time to save the shop.

CAPTAIN:

We'll do our best Sir.

As soon as all provisions are on board.

THE ALDERMAN EXITS AND PASSES THE MATE AS HE

ENTERS.
CAPTAIN:

Are we ready to weigh anchor Mate.

MATE:

Weigh anchor?

CAPTAIN:

Would this be a good time to cast off?

MATE:

I can't cast off yet. I haven't finished knitting the

sleeve. (ASIDE TO AUDIENCE)
A joke there for all the
nits in the audience.

CAPTAIN:

Are you sure you have the right sort of education to be a

sailor.

MATE:

No problem.

CAPTAIN:

Do you think we have enough wind?

MATE:

Wind will not be a problem Captain.

plate of onions.

Not yet Captain.

I can find the scales.

At school I got all high seas.

I just had a whole

SARAH ENTERS CARRYING A BAG.

CAPTAIN:

Ah! Here comes Sarah the cook.

board.

Let's get the old bag on

THE MATE TAKES SARAH'S BAG AND STARTS TO TAKE

IN ON BOARD.
SARAH:

Oi! I heard that. Hold on a mo' Mr Matey man. I have a

parcel in there that needs posting before we leave.
SARAH GETS THE PARCEL FROM THE BAG AND THE
MATE CARRIES THE BAG ON BOARD.

Note: The parcel is an old biscuit tin containing some broken crockery and
then wrapped in lots of brown paper and string. An old fashioned parcel
appearance. (See production notes.)
CAPTAIN:

I love parcels. You never know what's in them do you?

SARAH:

I know what's in this one.

Dick Whittington 28
CAPTAIN:

How come?

SARAH:

I packed it. With great care and love.

send it by post.

CAPTAIN:

By post?

SARAH:

A twenty-one piece dinner service.

CAPTAIN:

A twenty-one piece dinner service?

SARAH:

Yes. Twenty-one pieces, with little dainty flowers

painted round the edges.

CAPTAIN:

I wouldn't send that by post.

SARAH:

Why not?

CAPTAIN:

Let me show you what will happen. The postman will take
the parcel off you just like this. (HE TAKES THE PARCEL
FROM SARAH) Then he throws it in his sack (HE THROWS IT
TO THE GROUND) Then he throws the sack over his shoulder
like this. (HE PICKS UP THE PARCEL AND THROWS IT OVER
HIS SHOULDER) Then it gets to the sorting office and
someone puts a rubber stamp on it. (HE PICKS UP THE
PARCEL AND HITS IT WITH HIS FIST) Then they throw it in
another sack for the delivery. (THROWS IT ACROSS THE
STAGE) So I wouldn't send it by post. (HE RETRIEVES THE
PARCEL AND HANDS IT TO SARAH GENTLY) You don't want it
to get damaged do you?

Oooh.

That's chancy.

I'm going to

What's in it?

CAPTAIN EXITS
SARAH:

No. I wouldn't want it getting damaged.

WORRIED AT THE PARCEL)

(LOOKING

ENTER MATE
MATE:

Is that your parcel?

SARAH:

Yes. It's a... (SHAKES PARCEL) It's a forty-eight piece

dinner service. I'm sending it to a friend.

MATE:

How are you going to send it?

SARAH:

Well I was sending it by post, but now I'm going to try

airmail.

MATE:

Airmail?

SARAH:

What's wrong with airmail?

MATE:

Let me show you. (TAKES PARCEL) The airport people

throw it on the plane. (THROWS PARCEL ACROSS STAGE)
Then if the aircraft hits bad weather the parcel is
thrown from side to side. (PICKS UP PARCEL AND SHAKES IT
FROM SIDE TO SIDE) Then when it reaches the other end,
the luggage people throw it off the aircraft to the man
on the ground. (THROWS PARCEL TO GROUND) So I wouldn't
send it by airmail. You wouldn't want to get anything
chipped would you?

Oh I wouldn't sent it by airmail.

MATE EXITS AND SARAH PICKS UP THE PARCEL.

JACK ENTERS.
JACK:

Hello Sarah.

What have you got there?

SARAH:

It's a present for a friend. It's a... I think it's

probably a ninty-eight piece dinner service.

Dick Whittington 29
JACK:

How are you sending it.

SARAH:

Boat!

JACK:

You don't want to go sending a fragile parcel like that

by boat. It might get damaged.

SARAH:

(LOOKING SADLY AT THE PARCEL AND GENTLY SHAKING IT) I

can't see how it can get damaged on a boat. But I bet
you're going to show me?

JACK:

(TAKES HOLD OF PARCEL) The problem is that the man on

the shore throws it to the man on the boat.

SARAH:

I had a feeling that he might.

JACK:

And the man on the boat is never too good at catching so

he misses it. I'll show you. (THROWS THE PARCEL ACROSS
STAGE) Then there is the risk of the man on the boat
dropping it on the way to the hold. He could trip over a
rope or something. Like this. (HE SHOWS HOW HE MIGHT
TRIP AND DROP THE PARCEL) Then he has to actually drop
it in the hold, which is always very deep. (HE HOLDS IT
HIGH AND DROPS IT) And if there is a man in the hold and
it happens to land on his toe then he's not going to be
too please.

SARAH:

Well he wouldn't would he?

it?

JACK:

He would.

SARAH:

And annoyed people have a habit of kicking things.

they?

JACK:

They do Sarah.

SARAH:

Would you like to demonstrate?

JACK:

He kicks it like this.

the end of it.

SARAH:

I thought not.

JACK:

When it get's to the port, the man in the hold throws it

to the man on the deck. (THROWS PARCEL) The man on the
deck throws it to the man on the quay. (THROWS PARCEL)
The man on the quay throws it in his van to deliver it.
(THROWS IT AGAIN) So I wouldn't send it by boat You
never know what might happen to it on a boat. (HE GET'S
THE PARCEL AND GIVES IT TO SARAH) You wouldn't want
crockery to get little chips in it would you.

SARAH:

(GENTLY TIPPING PARCEL FROM SIDE TO SIDE) No. I

certainly wouldn't want to get it slightly chipped.

JACK:

What did you say it was?

SARAH:

It's a seven-hundred piece dinner service.

JACK:

Well if it's that fragile you might be better to deliver

it in person.

SARAH:

Deliver it by hand you mean? That's probably the best

thing. Then it won't get damaged.

JACK:

Who is it for anyway?

SARAH:

It's a birthday present for you.

Yes, boat.

I bet he does something about

He would be very annoyed.

Don't

They certainly do.

(KICKS PARCEL)

And that's not

Dick Whittington 30
SHE HANDS THE PACKAGE TO JACK AND SARAH EXITS
WITHOUT LOOKING BACK. JACK LOOKS DOWN AT THE
PACKAGE, SHAKES IT.
JACK:

(TO AUDIENCE) How am I doing kids? (AUDIENCE REACTION)

Thanks. I feel a lot better now. (EXITS)
DICK AND TOMMY ENTER FROM THE OTHER SIDE.

DICK:

Look.

The Saucy Sal.

This has got to be it Tommy.

TOMMY:

(NODS) Meow!

DICK:

Alderman Fitzwarren's ship.

TOMMY:

(PUTS HAND ABOVE EYES TO LOOK IN THE DISTANCE)

DICK:

Who know's where it might end up. Foreign shores, with

strange sounding names. Young nubile island girls in
grass skirts.

TOMMY:

(MIMING DANCING THE HULA, FOLLOWED BY HUGGING AND KISSING

AND IMAGINARY PERSON) Meeeeow, meeeeow!

DICK:

Yes, just so Tommy.

to meet.

TOMMY:

(NODS ENTHUSIASTICALLY)

DICK:

Fame and fortune. I can almost feel it. That's what the
dream said. One day I will become Lord Mayor of London.

TOMMY:

(LOOKING PROUD AND PUTTING THUMBS IN IMAGINARY LAPELS)

DICK:

Actually I'd rather stay here with Alice. I think I'm in

love with her Tommy. And I think she loves me back.
It's difficult to know with girls isn't it.

TOMMY:

(MIMES BUZZING ROUND HIS HEAD AND LOOKS PUZZLED)

Meee-yyyooow, meee-yyyooow.

Sailing to far away places.

There might be some interesting cats

ALICE ENTERS.

TOMMY EXITS.

ALICE:

Dick!

What are you doing here.

My Father sent you away.

DICK:

I came back for you.

ALICE:

Me? Dick, we can't be together. I think I love you but

my Father would never allow it. Not after what he thinks
you did.

DICK:

But I didn't.

ALICE:

I know that, but my Father won't be persuaded.

DICK:

So we can never be together.

ALICE:

Not unless you prove yourself to him.

DICK:

I will. I have to. I'm going to sign up as part of the

crew of the Saucy Sal and prove to everyone how...

ALICE:

Father will never let you on his ship.

DICK:

Then I'll find another way.

would become...

ALICE:

What dream?

My dream said that one day I

Dick Whittington 31
DICK:

It's a long story. But I have to get on that ship. I'll

stow away. If they find us, Tommy can become the ship's
cat.

ALICE:

Oh Dick. Take care. I'm beginning to fall in love with

you and I wouldn't want anything to happen.

Musical Number:
Suggestion:

Dick and Alice. - Duet.

Can You Feel the Love Tonight?

Elton John (from the Lion King)

DURING THE SONG THE GENERAL LIGHT DIMS (OR

CHANGES COLOUR) AND THE PAIR ARE PICKED OUT
IN A SPOTLIGHT. THE LIGHT COMES BACK TO
NORMAL AT THE END OF THE SONG.
DICK:

I love you Alice. But I can't stay. I have to follow my

dream. (LOOKING AROUND) Tommy? Where are you Tommy?
TOMMY ENTERS

TOMMY:

(TUGS DICK'S SLEEVE AND POINTS TO SHIP)

DICK:

Wait for me Alice.

Meow.

When I return, we will be married.

DICK AND ALICE HOLD BOTH HANDS AND LOOK INTO

EACH OTHER'S EYES. TOMMY PULLS HARD ON
DICK'S SLEEVE AND POINTS TO SAUCY SAL.
THE COUPLE BREAK AWAY FROM EACH OTHER AND
DICK AND TOMMY HEAD FOR THE SHIP.
ALICE:

(WATCHING THEM GO AND WAVING)

soon.

Stay safe and come back

CAPTAIN AND MATE ENTER WHILE ALICE IS STILL

WAVING
MATE:

Are you waving us off.

CAPTAIN:

We're still here.

ALICE:

Well actually I was waving to... A friend.

CAPTAIN:

One of the crew?

ALICE:

Sort of.

CAPTAIN:

That's good of you Miss Fitzwarren. The crew will miss

the company of women while we're away.

SARAH:

(ENTERING) Oi!

CAPTAIN:

Oh yes.

JACK:

(ENTERING)

SARAH:

I didn't think you'd notice it in this outfit.

JACK:

A vast behind?

SARAH:

Not when ladies are present.

ALICE:

Don't worry about me.

(EXITS)

SARAH:

See.

CAPTAIN:

We must be getting ready to sail.

I'm going

I'm a lady you know?

Sometimes it slips my mind.

Here we go then.

A vast behind.

That's a nautical expression?

I'm going.

Have a safe voyage.

Now look what you've done.

Come on Mate.

CAPTAIN AND MATE EXIT UP GANG PLANK

Dick Whittington 32
JACK:

Do you ever get sea sick?

SARAH:

No. I've got the perfect cure.

Friend.

JACK:

Does it work?

SARAH:

He hasn't complained yet.

I suck a Fisherman's

SARAH AND JACK EXIT UP THE GANG PLANK.

THE LIGHTS DIM AND KING RAT ENTERS IN A GREEN
SPOTLIGHT.
KING RAT:

Ahh haa
send it
army of
it will

haa haaaa! I have plans for this ship. I will

to the bottom of the sea where it belongs. My
rats are ready to board and when the time comes
be mine. Ahh haa haa haaaa!
KING RATS WALKS FORWARD ONTO THE APRON
THROUGH THE CLOSING TABS.
END SCENE

Dick Whittington 33
SCENE 2. NEAR THE DOCKS -- MOMENTS LATER
PLAYED ON THE APRON IN FRONT OF THE TABS.
KING RAT WALKS INTO THE SCENE THROUGH THE
CLOSING TABS.
KING RAT:

(TO AUDIENCE) Let me look at the people of (LOCAL TOWN).

Just as I thought. A lot of wimps and wimp'esses. Hold
on! What's that? Quiet! Shush! Listen! Shuuush!
(MOTION FOR AUDIENCE TO KEEP QUIET) Shush! (AFTER A FEW
SECONDS QUIET, KING RAT LETS OFF A PARTY POPPER TOWARDS
THE AUDIENCE) Look at you. Frightened of a rat. Ahh
haa haa haaaa

Musical Number:
Suggestion:

King Rat.

Bad - Michael Jackson.

KING RAT MENACINGLY "SPEAKS" THIS SONG. HE
MOVES UP AND DOWN THE APRON LOOKING DIRECTLY
INTO THE AUDIENCE AND INTIMIDATING THEM.
AS THE MUSIC STARTS A LINE OF SMALL RATS
ENTER FROM THE BACK OF THE AUDITORIUM AND
THEY RUN AROUND GRADUALLY ENDING UP ON THE
STAGE. THEY HISS AND ALSO JOIN IN WITH THE
CHORUS WHILE STIRRING UP THE AUDIENCE. THE
OBJECT IS TO FILL THE STAGE WITH AS MANY RATS
AS POSSIBLE.
BEFORE THE END OF THE MUSICAL NUMBER THE RATS
EXIT THROUGH THE TABS. THEY ARE GONE BY THE
TIME THE MUSIC FINISHES.

KING RAT:

Behold the future! Fear the future! Rats are the

future! We are here and intend to take your world.
haa haa haaaa!

Ahh

THE CARETAKER ENTERS THROUGH THE TABS

CARRYING HIS BROOM.
CARETAKER:

Oi you!

Yes you with the tail.

KING RAT:

I am King Rat.

CARETAKER:

You look a bit like Roland Rat?

missus laugh like a drain.

KING RAT:

I am King of all rats.

CARETAKER:

Like Rat-in-a-hat from Banana's in Pyjamas.

KING RAT:

No.

CARETAKER:

Rodents!

KING RAT:

He's a mouse.

CARETAKER:

Mickey Mouse?

KING RAT:

I'm a rat.

CARETAKER:

Like Ratty in Wind in the Willows?

KING RAT:

No not like Ratty in Wind in the Willows. (INSISTENT AND

PROUD) I AM KING RAT. Controller of the army of rats
and soon to be ruler of your puny little (LOCAL REFERENCE
TO THEATRE)

CARETAKER:
(MORE)

I don't care who you are.

King.

King Rat.

What are you then?

He used to make my

King of all rodents.

Jerry from Tom and Jerry.

Is he one of yours?

You're not Mickey Mouse are you?

Dick Whittington 34
CARETAKER: (CONT'D)
You can't come in here making all this mess. Look at
what your people have done down there. Are those
raisins? It's worse than (LOCAL REFERENCE TO NEXT TOWN)
on a Saturday night after the chip shop's closed.
HE STARTS SWEEPING KING RAT OFF THE STAGE.
CARETAKER:

Out!

Go on, get out!

Look at this mess.

KING RAT EXITS.

CARETAKER:

It's bad enough that I have to put up with what's coming

next. Water. Salt spray. Seaweed. It was everywhere
after rehearsals.
Anyway, get ready to heave ho me hearties, splice the
main brace and if anyone's going to be sick, do it over
the rail.
THE CARETAKER EXITS AS THE TABS OPEN ON THE
NEXT SCENE.
END SCENE

Dick Whittington 35
SCENE 3. ON BOARD THE SAUCY SAL -- DAY.
THIS IS THE DECK OF THE SAUCY SAL. A SHIPS
WHEEL IS PROMINENT UP STAGE CENTRE WITH A RAT
STEERING THE SHIP.
THE STAGE IS FULL OF A LINE OF RATS DANCING
THE SAILOR'S HORNPIPE.
Musical number:

The Rats -

The Sailors Hornpipe.

AS THE HORNPIPE MUSIC GETS FASTER AND FASTER
(TOWARDS THE END) TOMMY ENTERS AND STARTS
CHASING THE RATS OFF THE STAGE, PICKING THEM
OFF THE END OF THE LINE FROM ALTERNATE ENDS.
THEY EXIT IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
FINALLY TWO RATS ARE LEFT DANCING ON STAGE
FOR THE LAST FEW LINES OF THE MUSIC AND TOMMY
LETS THEM STAY TO TAKE A BOW AS HE HAS NOW
GONE TO THE SHIPS WHEEL AND IS STEERING THE
SHIP. THE TWO RATS BOW AND EXIT.
THE CAPTAIN AND MATE ENTER ON THE OPPOSITE
SIDE TO WHERE THE RATS EXIT.

CAPTAIN:

Are we still on course Mate?

MATE:

Of course were on course.

CAPTAIN:

And of course where is our course on course for?

MATE:

Corsica.

CAPTAIN:

Hang about!

MATE:

No, I thought you were steering the ship.

CAPTAIN:

Well if it's not you and it's not me, who's steering the
ship.

I thought you were steering the ship.

BOTH LOOK ROUND

MATE:

It's a cat.

CAPTAIN:

Is it the ships cat?

MATE:

We don't have a ships cat.

CAPTAIN:

So who's cat is it?

DICK:

(ENTERING)

Tommy's with me.

He's my best friend.

THE MATE TAKES OVER FROM TOMMY AT THE WHEEL

AND TOMMY COMES FORWARD TO JOIN DICK.
CAPTAIN:

Dick Whittington.

DICK:

Tommy and I stowed away. But don't worry. We'll earn

our passage. Tommy can keep the ship clear of rats. And
I can be... well... I can be... something!

SARAH:

(ENTERING) He can help me in the galley. (TO AUDIENCE)

For all you young land lovers, a galley is a kitchen. I
say, what a weird place a ship is. We call the bedroom a
cabin, the front is the bow, and lovies, you don't want
to know what goes on in the "poop".
(TO DICK)
away.

How did you get here?

You can go and do a bit of spud bashing right

Dick Whittington 36
CAPTAIN:

We'll have to get all this entered into the ship's log.
THE CAPTAIN AND DICK EXIT WHILE TOMMY STAYS
ON FOR A FEW MOMENTS.
JACK ENTERS.
JACK IS DANCING TO SOME MUSIC THAT ONLY HE
CAN HEAR. HE HAS THE WHITE WIRES OF IPOD
HEADPHONES COMING FROM HIS EARS AND GOING
DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS TROUSERS. TOMMY AND
JACK DANCE A LITTLE TO THE IMAGINARY MUSIC
BEFORE TOMMY MAKES A "DON'T KNOW" GESTURE AND
EXITS.

SARAH:

Jack. How nice of you to turn up. And just in time to

have missed the washing, cleaning and cooking. (JACK
IGNORES HER AND CARRIES ON DANCING) Jack! Jack! JACK!
(SHE WAVES HER ARMS IN FRONT OF HIM BUT HE TAKES NO
NOTICE) Look, he's got that earPod thing sending three
M.P's into his lug-holes.
SARAH TAKES A PAIR OF SCISSORS FROM HER
POCKET/APRON/BAG AND MOTIONS TO CUT JACKS
WIRE.

SARAH:

Shall I? What do you think? Oh no, I shouldn't.

(AUDIENCE REACTION) Oh no I shouldn't. (AFTER A COUPLE
OF EXCHANGES WITH THE AUDIENCE) Okay. If you insist.
JACK IS STILL DANCING TO THE SILENT MUSIC.
SARAH CUTS THE WIRE. JACK CARRIES ON DANCING
AS IF NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.
SARAH LOOKS AMAZED THAT JACK STILL SEEMS TO
BE HEARING MUSIC. SHE SLOSHES HIM ON THE ARM
AND JACK OPENS HIS EYES.

SARAH:

Oi!

JACK:

What?

SARAH:

I just cut you off.

JACK:

(LOOKING DOWN)

SARAH:

How come you could still hear the music?

JACK:

I couldn't. I can't afford an MP3 player so I made one

out of a bit of string.

SARAH:

String?

Now look what you've done.

JACK UNHOOKS THE "STRING" FROM HIS EARS AND

SHOWS SARAH
JACK:

It makes me look cool.

SARAH:

It makes you look an idiot. So what's it connected to

down there then? (POINTING TO WHERE THE CORD GOES DOWN
HIS TROUSERS)

JACK:

Nothing.
SARAH GRABS THE CORD AND PULLS. JACK ACTS AS
IF IT IS CONNECTED TO HIS PRIVATE PARTS.
SARAH PULLS AGAIN AND JACK JERKS WITH THE
MOVEMENT.

SARAH:

Is it tied to your...

Dick Whittington 37
JACK:

No!
SARAH JERKS THE STRING AND JACK JERKS WITH
IT, LOOKING IN PAIN.

JACK:

No, no, no.

Don't.

Oooooooooooo!

SARAH PULLS JACK ALL OVER THE STAGE WHILE HE

TRAILS ON HIS CORD OBVIOUSLY IN AGONY.
SARAH:

I'm bored now. It's been a long trip. I thought there'd

be lovely places to see, strange erotic creatures, and
lovely men with sexy names. Like Pascal, Juan, or Bert.

JACK:

Bert?

SARAH:

Do you know any sea shanties?

amused.

JACK:

I know a nautical poem.

SARAH:

A poem?

JACK:

Yes. I know one about a boy who got left standing on a

burning ship in 1798 during the Battle of the Nile.

SARAH:

Sounds very educational.

JACK:

(STANDING PROUD AS IF GIVING A RECITAL)

Something to keep us

Let's hear it then.

The boy stood on the burning deck,

His legs were all a' quiver,
He gave a cough, His leg fell off,
And floated down the river.
How am I doing kids?
makes me feel good.

(AUDIENCE REACTION)

Thanks.

That

THERE IS A BIG CRASH OF THUNDER AND A FLASH

OF LIGHTENING. THE CAPTAIN COMES RUNNING ON.
CAPTAIN:

There's a storm coming.

DICK RUNS ON FROM THE OTHER SIDE.

DICK:

There's a storm coming.

ANOTHER CRASH OF THUNDER AND MORE LIGHTENING.

JACK

There's a storm coming.

SARAH:

(TO AUDIENCE) I have a feeling that there might be a

storm coming.

MATE:

(LOUDLY AND SHOUTING)

SARAH:

(TO AUDIENCE)

There's... a... storm... coming!

Told you.

EVERYONE STARTS RUNNING ABOUT IN CHAOS.

LIGHTING DIMS AND GETS DRAMATIC.
CAPTAIN:

(IN A RUSH) Batten down the hatches.

first. Man 'de lifeboats.

SARAH:

(TO AUDIENCE)

CAPTAIN:

Oh no.

THE

Women and children

Why does he want Mandy in the lifeboats.

The ship's starting to roll from side to side.

Dick Whittington 38
AS THEY STOP RUNNING AROUND THE ACTORS FORM A
LINE ACROSS THE STAGE IN THIS ORDER:
MATE-JACK-SARAH-DICK-CAPTAIN.
AS ONE, THE ACTORS ROLL TO STAGE LEFT AS IF
THE SHIP IS TILTING (SHOUTING "OHHHHH") UNTIL
THEY REACH THE WINGS. ANY SAILS OR RIGGING
SHOULD BE SHAKEN BY OFF STAGE HANDS TO MAKE
IT STORM LIKE.
THE ROW OF ACTORS ROLL BACK TO STAGE RIGHT
"OHHHHH".
ON THE THIRD ROLL THE MATE EXITS FROM THE END
OF THE ROW AS HE REACHES THE WINGS AND IS
REPLACED BY A RAT. ON THE NEXT ROLL THE
CAPTAIN EXITS INTO THE WINGS ON THE OTHER
SIDE AND A RAT IS IN HIS PLACE. ON THE NEXT
ROLL THE RAT AND JACK EXIT AND GET REPLACED
BY TWO RATS. NEXT ROLL THE RAT AND DICK EXIT
AND ARE ALSO REPLACED BY TWO RATS. LEAVING
JUST SARAH IN THE MIDDLE WITH TWO RATS ON
EITHER SIDE OF HER.
SARAH:

(STILL ROLLING FROM SIDE TO SIDE)

Oh no!

We're sinking.

THUNDER AND FLASHING STARTS AGAIN AND LOTS OF

RATS ENTER IN ROWS AND JOIN IN WITH THE SIDE
TO SIDE MOTION. SARAH IS CENTRAL TO THEM ALL.
THE RATS THEN LEAVE THE STAGE IN A LINE AND
RUN OFF INTO THE AUDITORIUM THROUGH THE
AUDIENCE.
SARAH:

Rats! Not the rats. They're leaving the sinking ship.

Oh no! We're going down the Earth's belly button.
CLOSE TABS
END SCENE

Dick Whittington 39
SCENE 4. THE SHORE OF MOROCCO -- DAY.
THIS IS PLAYED ON THE APRON IN FRONT OF THE
TABS.
THE CARETAKER PUSHES HIS WAY THROUGH THE TABS
WITH A PALM TREE WHICH HE PLACES TO ONE SIDE.
CARETAKER:

And down the Earth's plug hole they all went. Phaw!
Just think how big the hairs would be down a plug hole
that size.
TOMMY ENTERS FROM ONE SIDE AND HAS A LARGE
FISH.

CARETAKER:

Hello puss.

Where did you get that?

TOMMY:

(POINTS BACK TO WHERE HE CAME FROM)

CARETAKER:

Was the ship totally wrecked?

TOMMY:

(NODS.)

CARETAKER:

Are you the only survivor from the Saucy Sal?

TOMMY:

(NODS)
GOING)

CARETAKER:

Over there? That's Morocco. This is the beach of

Morocco. You'll like it here. And you have a fish, so
you won't go hungry. Let me show you the way.

Meow!

Meow!

(HE POINTS OFF IN THE DIRECTION HE IS

TOMMY AND THE CARETAKER EXIT IN THE DIRECTION

OF MOROCCO, JUST AS THE MATE ENTERS FROM THE
OTHER SIDE. HE IS VERY DISHEVELED AND HAS
SEAWEED HANGING FROM HIM.
MATE:

Oh no. (LOOKING AROUND) I am the only survivor from the

Saucy Sal. We lost everything in that storm. Even my
collection of Barbie Dolls. I don't know how I'll manage
without them.
THE MATE CROSSES THE STAGE AND EXITS JUST AS
THE CAPTAIN ENTERS ON THE ORIGINAL SIDE.
THE CAPTAIN HAS HIS HAT ON BACK TO FRONT, HIS
SHIRT IS OPEN AND HE LOOKS A MESS.

CAPTAIN:

Oh no. (LOOKING AROUND) I am the only survivor from the

Saucy Sal. We lost everything in that storm. Even my
collection of the winners football shirts from the (LOCAL
FOOTBALL TEAM). Both of them. I don't know how I'll
manage without them.
THE CAPTAIN CROSSES THE STAGE AND EXITS JUST
AS JACK ENTERS ON THE ORIGINAL SIDE.
JACK IS WEARING A SNORKEL AND MASK PLUS
FLIPPERS ON TOP OF HIS NORMAL YET SLIGHTLY
DISHEVELED COSTUME.
AS JACK ENTERS HE BLOWS A SMALL AMOUNT OF
WATER FROM HIS SNORKEL.

JACK:

Oh no. (LOOKING AROUND) I am the only survivor from the

Saucy Sal. We lost everything in that storm. Even my
collection of coronation tea cups. I don't know how I
will manage without them.

Dick Whittington 40
THEN JACK CROSSES THE STAGE AND EXITS JUST AS
SARAH ENTERS ON THE ORIGINAL SIDE.
SARAH IS WEARING A "SHIPWRECK" OUTFIT. THIS
COULD JUST BE A SIMPLE SHIPS LIFEBELT, OR OLD
FASHIONED WATER WINGS, OR A BLOW UP BEACH
RING IN THE SHAPE OF A DUCK, OR A GRASS SKIRT
OVER HER EXISTING OUTFIT. IF COSTUME COSTS
ALLOW THERE COULD BE A FULL LIFEBOAT AROUND
HER, OR EVEN PLANKS FROM A RAFT AND A PARROT.
SARAH:

Oh no. (LOOKING AROUND) I am the only survivor from the

Saucy Sal. We lost everything in that storm. Even my
collection of calendars. "Firemen of the World, 1975 to
2013". You should have seen Mr January 1980. Girls, he
had huge snowballs. (MIMES SIZE LIKE TWO CUPPED HANDS)
I'm sure he never missed putting out someone's fire with
those. Then there was Mr September 2000. The nozzle on
his hose pipe would really make you wet. I don't know
how I will manage without them.
SARAH EXITS CROSSES THE STAGE AND EXITS JUST
AS DICK ENTERS ON THE ORIGINAL SIDE.
DICK IS LOOKING DISHEVELLED.

DICK:

Oh no (LOOKING AROUND) I am the only survivor from the

Saucy Sal. We lost everything in that storm. Even Tommy.
TOMMY ENTERS AND DICK MAKES A FUSS OF HIM.

DICK:

Tommy!

I thought you'd drowned.

TOMMY:

(PINCHES HIS NOSE AND MAKES A CHAIN FLUSHING GESTURE

FOLLOWED BY SHAKING HIS HEAD VIGOROUSLY)

DICK:

But we're the only ones left.

with the ship.

TOMMY:

(SHAKES HEAD AND POINTS TO SIDE OF STAGE)

Everyone else went down

CAPTAIN, MATE, SARAH, JACK ENTER. THEY SLAP

DICK ON THE BACK ETC AND CONGRATULATE EACH
OTHER.
DICK:

Does anyone know where we are?

SARAH:

This is Morocco.
worried.

JACK:

Morocco? I don't know anything about Morocco. I should

have given more attention to geography at school.

MATE:

So should I?

CAPTAIN:

What do you mean? You were always behind the bike sheds
with that girl from 2B.

MATE:

It was a better than geography for finding my way about.

SARAH:

I heard they have warriors in Morocco who eat anything.

I hope they don't boil us alive?

CAPTAIN:

(ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) That might be better than the stuff

she's been cooking for us on this voyage. You've heard
of "Boil in bag".

MATE:

(ASIDE TO AUDIENCE) Yes, we'll we've been having "Boiled

by the Old Bag".

Where men are men and camels look

Dick Whittington 41
CAPTAIN:

(ASIDE TO AUDIENCE)
Tucker Trial.

SARAH:

I heard that.

Every day has been like our own Bush

TWO GUARDS ENTER (ONE FROM EITHER SIDE) AND

TAKE UP POSITIONS BEHIND THE GROUP.
JACK:

We'd better look out for warriors then. I know! I'll

ask my gang to help us. (TO AUDIENCE) Will you help us
boys and girls? If you see any warriors about can you
let us know. (AUDIENCE REACTION) No there's no one
behind us. We've already looked.
BY THIS TIME THE AUDIENCE WILL PROBABLY BE
SHOUTING "HE'S BEHIND YOU" WHICH JACK AND THE
OTHERS WILL ENCOURAGE.
TOMMY SEES THEM AND RUNS OFF INTO THE
AUDIENCE POINTING TO THE GUARDS FROM THERE
AND ENCOURAGING THE AUDIENCE.
THE GUARDS/WARRIORS SHOULD START PICKING
ACTORS OFF FROM EACH END OF THE LINE AND
TAKING THEM OFF STAGE ONE AT A TIME. (NOTE:
SARAH NEEDS TO GO FIRST DUE TO HELP WITH THE
CHANGE NEEDED FOR THE NEXT SCENE.) OBVIOUSLY
THE ACTORS NEVER SEE THE GUARDS UNTIL THEY
ARE CAPTURED. THIS GOES ON UNTIL ONLY JACK
IS LEFT ON STAGE.
TOMMY EXITS AT THE BACK OF THE AUDITORIUM.

JACK:

Where has everyone gone?

behind me?

What do you mean, they're

JACK TURNS AND FINDS TWO GUARDS BEHIND HIM.

HE TURNS BACK TO THE AUDIENCE IN SHOCK.
JACK:

Oh heck.
me.

Why didn't you tell me?

They really ARE behind

JACK IS CAPTURED BY THE GUARDS.

OPEN ONTO THE NEXT SCENE.
END SCENE

THE TABS

Dick Whittington 42
SCENE 5. THE SULTAN'S HAREM (IN THE PALACE) -- DAY
A PALACE SCENE WITH A THRONE SET CENTRE
STAGE. PALM TREES SUGGEST A HOT CLIMATE AND
USE THE PALM PREVIOUSLY SET. THE SULTAN IS
ON THE THRONE AND HIS HAREM WIVES (THE CHORUS
AND DANCERS) SURROUND HIM.
JACK AND THE GUARDS WALK FROM THE LAST SCENE
INTO THIS ONE AS THE TABS OPEN.
SULTAN:

Put him with the others.

THE GUARDS EXIT WITH JACK AS THEIR CAPTIVE.

SULTAN:
Musical Number:

(WAVING TO THOSE AROUND HIM)

Entertain me!

Chorus and Dancers.

Suggestion: I have no actual music in mind here but suggest that you check
out music for "Belly Dancing" on line.
THIS IS A SECTION WHERE YOU CAN USE ALL SORTS
OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE DIFFERENT SKILLS. IF YOU
CAN FIND A BELLY DANCER THEN PUT HER SINGLY
ON STAGE. OR YOU CAN USE A COMICAL SNAKE
CHARMER WITH BASKET AND A SNAKE ATTACHED WITH
FISHING LINE TO HIS FLUTE. A JUGGLER? OR
SEVERAL DANCERS CAN FILL THE STAGE WITH A
HAREM STYLE DANCE.
AT THE END OF THE "NORMAL" DANCE SARAH ENTERS
DRESSED IN A HAREM OUTFIT BUT WITH A BALL AND
CHAIN ON HER ANKLE. (A BLACK PAINTED
FOOTBALL) SHE DOES THE DANCE OF THE SEVEN
VEILS BUT IS SLIGHTLY HAMPERED BY THE BALL
AND CHAIN WHICH SHE KICKS AROUND AS SHE
DANCES.
SULTAN:

Come to me my pretty.
SARAH SHIMMY'S OVER.

SARAH:

Hello you saucy little Sultan.

and I'll be your Sultana.

Squash me like a grape

SULTAN:

Which part of Heaven have you fallen from?

SARAH:

If I fell from Heaven right now mate you'd want to duck.

Look what they stuck me with. (SHE SHOWS HIM THE BALL)

SULTAN:

Eunuch!

SARAH:

Who's knocked.

SULTAN:

No one knocked.

SARAH:

Raisins. The man without any raisins.

raisins anyway.

SULTAN:

Guards!

It's my Eunuch!

Remove this.

The man without any...

I never liked

She is to become my wife.

GUARDS COME AND REMOVE THE BALL AND CHAIN.

SARAH:

Thank you my little squidgy plum.

No plums.

Oh no, sorry I forgot.

SULTAN:

Bring us some food.

GUARD

There is no food left your excellency.

eaten it all. (EXITS)

SULTAN:

Rats!

Will no one rid me of these rats.

The rats have

Dick Whittington 43
SARAH:

Have you got rats too? We had those. Back at the

Fitzwarren Store. I work there you know.

SULTAN:

You have no
now part of
and clothed
Thursday in

SARAH:

Oh I can't do Thursdays. Thursday is Bingo at the (LOCAL

REFERENCE) And besides, I know you can't feed me. Your
eunuch said the rats have eaten everything.

SULTAN:

That is true. We have nothing left. We might have to

start eating prisoners soon. Bring them forth.

need to work ever again my lovely. You are

my Harem. Wife number 103. You will be fed
then made ready for my pleasure on the first
every month.

DICK, JACK, CAPTAIN AND MATE ENTER WITH THE

GUARDS
SARAH:

Forth.
them?

That's clever.

Did you know there were four of

SULTAN:

Cut their heads off and put their gizzards in the pot.

SARAH:

Now just one moment my little crinkly currant person.

SULTAN:

Sultan.

SARAH:

Exactly! Just one moment my little Sultana. These are

my friends and not to be gizzard'ed. We may have a plan.

SULTAN:

A plan?

SARAH:

A plan.

DICK:

Tell him what?

SARAH:

The plan.

DICK:

What plan?

SARAH:

Tommy.

DICK:

Oh that plan.
have a plan.

SULTAN:

(SIGHING)

DICK:

It involves my cat.

SULTAN:

Mycat? I've never heard of a mycat. Is that like

Compare the Mycat dot com? I love those Mycats. That
Alexander. So funny. Simples!

DICK:

No your Imperial person.

SULTAN:

A cat?

DICK:

He will rid you of all your rats.

SULTAN:

Ha!

DICK:

Tommy can.

SULTAN:

If your Tommy cat can rid me of all these rats then I

will give you half of my riches and wife number one as a
bonus.

DICK:

Thank you. I will take the riches with pleasure, but can
I swap wife number one for a ship to take us all home?

Tell him Dick.

Your Majestic Majesty of all Morocco.

I know.

We

I've heard.

My cat is just... a cat.

Tommy.

What is a cat?

No one has ever been able to do this.

Dick Whittington 44
SULTAN:

Oh. I was hoping to rid myself of wife number one.

She's watching too much EastEnders and wants to go down
something called a pub.

DICK:

Your Majesty, let me present Tommy, my cat.

TOMMY ENTERS AND BOWS EXTRAVAGANTLY. ALL
EXCEPT THE ENGLISH TAKE A STEP BACK IN FEAR.

SULTAN:

This is what you call... Cat?

TOMMY:

Meow!

SULTAN:

Does it bite.

TOMMY:

Meow!

DICK:

Only rats.

SULTAN:

We will try out your ... cat. Guard! Bring me the last
crumbs of cheese from the mousetraps and let's see what
this strange animal can do.

(HE NODS)

(SHAKES HIS HEAD FURIOUSLY)

A GUARD RUSHES ON WITH A PLATE A CHEESE

FOLLOWED BY A LINE OF RATS AFTER THE CHEESE.
TOMMY STARTS FIGHTING THE RATS, (BOXING AND
KARATE CHOPPING) THEY GRADUALLY BEGIN TO EXIT
THE STAGE WOUNDED. THEY EXIT A FEW AT A TIME
STAGGERING IN ALL DIRECTIONS, EVEN INTO THE
AUDIENCE.
WHEN ALL THE RATS HAVE GONE, TOMMY DUSTS HIS
HANDS OFF.
THE LIGHTING DARKENS AND KING RAT ENTERS IN A
GREEN SPOTLIGHT. HE CARRIES A LARGE SWORD
AND IS WAVING IT ABOUT MENACINGLY.
KING RAT:

This is not the end.

of one hundred cats.

DICK:

Not so Mr Rat.

I am King Rat and I have the power

Morocco is still mine.

You have me to deal with yet.

DICK GRABS A SWORD FROM ONE OF THE GUARDS AND

SQUARES UP TO KING RAT. A SWORD FIGHT
COMMENCES WITH DICK BEING NEARLY KILLED AND
THEN GALLANTLY FIGHTING BACK. KING RAT FALLS
TO THE FLOOR AND DICK STANDS OVER HIM WITH
HIS SWORD READY TO RUN HIM THROUGH.
DICK:

(TO AUDIENCE) What shall I do with him? (AUDIENCE

REACTION - THEY WILL PROBABLY SHOUT "KILL HIM")

KING RAT:

You can't stab me. I'm not up to date with my anti

tetanus jab. (THREATENING AUDIENCE) What! Kill me?
That's not nice. I'll get you. I have everyone's
details and I will be upping all the P.P.I and Solar
Panel calls for everyone in (LOCAL REFERENCE).

DICK:

What shall I do with him?

KING RAT:

Okay, so you win this fight Dick Whittington. Spare me

and I will see that none of my rats bother you when you
return to London.

DICK:

Go from this place and never return.

(AUDIENCE REACTION)

KING RAT EXITS WHILE LOOKING INTO AUDIENCE

WHO WILL PROBABLY BE SHOUTING AT HIM.

Dick Whittington 45
KING RAT:

I know who you all are. Look out for me on the way home.
Watch the shadows. I will be there. Ahh haa haa haaaa!
(EXITS)

SULTAN:

Well done young man. You and your strange animal have
rid my country of rats. And true to my word I will give
you half of my wealth and wife number one.

DICK:

I thought I exchanged wife number one for a ship.

SULTAN:

So you did.

ALL:

Hooray!

You will get your ship.

TABS CLOSE
END SCENE

Dick Whittington 46
SCENE 6. ON THE WAY BACK TO LONDON -- DAY
THIS IS PLAYED ON THE APRON IN FRONT OF THE
TABS. THE CARETAKER ENTERS AND LOOKS AT THE
PALM TREE.
CARETAKER:

We don't need the palm tree now. We're on our way back
to London and I'd look stupid with this on the tube. (HE
SHOUTS OFF STAGE) Bill! Palm tree.
THE TREE IS DRAGGED OFF STAGE BY HANDS
UNKNOWN - OR HELPED BY THE CARETAKER. A FEW
SECONDS LATER THERE IS A HUGE CRASH, OR
SOMEONE DROPPING LOTS OF METAL POTS AND PANS.
THIS IS REPEATED (THE CRASH IS BEST DONE LIVE
AS IT WILL SEEM LIKE A GENUINE ACCIDENT).
THE CARETAKER REACTS AND JUMPS EACH TIME. A
HAND COMES THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF THE TABS
HOLDING A BUILDERS HARD HAT WHICH IS TAKEN
AND WORN BY THE CARETAKER.

CARETAKER:

Health and Safety. You can't be too careful in this

game. Now... I have been given the task of finding a
husband for wife number one that Dick refused in Morocco.
Any takers?

This next section requires the Caretaker to interact with the audience.
Ladies will offer their husbands, and he should ask about things like
training and cleanliness or anything that will give a laugh.
Wife number one doesn't speak much, has her own teeth,
and comes with a one month money back guarantee. Are
there any wives in the audience who want to get rid of
their husband?
Are there any husbands who would take on a second wife?
Remember that this lady has been top of the harem for a
few years so will know all the in's and out's of keeping
a man happy.
A show of hands please and we'll sort it out later.
A HAND COMES THROUGH THE TABS HOLDING A PIECE
OF PAPER. THE CARETAKER TAKES IT.
Oh. Okay! Apparently one of the stage hands has lost a
fifty pence piece. He thinks it rolled into the
audience. Has anyone seen it?
HOUSE LIGHTS COME UP
CARETAKER:

This note says that he thinks he saw it being picked up

by a good looking woman in green (OR WHATEVER COLOUR THE
CARETAKER HAS HIS EYE ON) Personally I don't think
anyone is going to own up so I'm going to have to come
down there and search any good looking women wearing
green.
THE CARETAKER GOES INTO AUDIENCE AND FINDS A
LADY WEARING GREEN - PREVIOUSLY PICKED OUT AS
A SPORT. HE MAY NEED TO MAKE A WHOLE ROW
STAND UP TO GET TO HER AND COULD WALK HER TO
THE END OF THE ROW. THE OBJECT IS TO CAUSE
AS MUCH MAYHEM AS POSSIBLE IN LOOKING FOR THE
FIFTY PENCE.
HE WILL TRY TO SEARCH THE LADY AND CAN PASS
THE HARD HAT TO HER TO WEAR WHILE HE DOES IT.
HE HAS A COUPLE OF JOKE ITEMS IN HIS POCKETS
THAT HE CAN PRODUCE AND WAVE IN THE AIR AS
THE SEARCH GOES ON. A LARGE BRA, OR/AND A
PAIR OF OLD BLOOMERS.

Dick Whittington 47
SOMEONE WHISTLES FROM THE STAGE WHEN NO MORE
PADDING IS NEEDED AND THE NEXT SCENE HAS BEEN
SET. A HAND COMES THROUGH THE TABS (SPOTLIT)
WAVING A FIFTY PENCE PIECE AND BECKONING TO
THE CARETAKER WHO RETURNS TO THE STAGE AND
COLLECTS THE COIN.
CARETAKER:

Seems like they've found it. (LOOKING BACK TO THE LADY

HE SEARCHED) And let that be a lesson to you young lady.
So here we go back to London where Alice awaits.
THE TABS START TO OPEN AND THE CARETAKER
WALKS THROUGH THEM INTO THE NEXT SCENE.
OPEN TABS
END SCENE

Dick Whittington 48
SCENE 7. A STREET IN LONDON. (ALDGATE) -- DAY
THE STAGE IS THE SAME LONDON STREET AS SCENE
1 (ACT I) INCLUDING THE FITZWARREN SHOP
DOORWAY.
THE CHORUS AND DANCERS ARE FILLING THE STAGE
DOING A LONDON KNEES-UP TYPE DANCE. THEY
START TO SING IMMEDIATELY THE TABS OPEN AND
THE CARETAKER JOINS IN A BIT WITH THE DANCING.
Musical Number:

The chorus and dancers.

Suggestion: Let's All Go Down The Strand - Traditional music hall song
written and composed by Harry Castling & C.W. Murphy
THE SONG SHOULD PROGRESS THROUGH THE VERSE
WITHOUT A PROBLEM BUT HALF WAY THROUGH THE
CHORUS JUST AFTER THE LINE "LET'S ALL GO DOWN
THE STRAND" THE CARETAKER STOPS EVERYTHING.
CARETAKER:

Hold up, Hold up. (STOPPING THE MUSIC AND ADDRESSING THE
AUDIENCE) The older generation will know but probably
not the youngsters. There's a bit for you in this song.
When they get to the piece that says "Let's all go down
the Strand" you lot are supposed to shout "'ave a
banana". Try it. (AUDIENCE REACTION) Come on, come on.
You also have to do it with a London Cockney accent.
Someone over there is just singing (PUTTING ON POSH
VOICE) "Have a banana". When really it has to be "'ave a
banana". Don't you lot no nuffin. So here we go again,
don't forget to join in. (HE JOINS IN WITH THE DANCING
AND ENCOURAGES THE AUDIENCE AT THE CORRECT PLACE THEN
EXITS.)

Musical number continues:

Let's All Go Down the Strand.

ALICE AND ALDERMAN FITZWARREN ENTER AT THE
END OF THE SONG. THEY CLAP AND APPLAUD THE
CHORUS AND DANCERS AS THEY EXIT.

ALDERMAN:

I don't know why everyone is so happy. I'm not.

hasn't returned and all may be lost soon.

My ship

ALICE:

What about me Daddy. How is a girl supposed to manage?

A whole year with no Dick. (SHE TURNS AWAY TO ONE SIDE)
TOMMY ENTERS AND SHAKES HANDS/PAWS WITH THE
ALDERMAN.

ALDERMAN:

What a nice cat. Just a moment. You're not just a nice

cat, you're Dick Whittington's cat. Didn't I banish you
from the area?

TOMMY:

(NODS, BUT THEN DOES WAVE AND SEA MIME AND POINTS TO
DISTANCE. HE THEN PINCHES HIS NOSE AND PULLS AN
IMAGINARY CHAIN AS IF SINKING.)

ALICE:

(TURNING BACK)

TOMMY:

(NODDING AND LOVING THE FUSS ALICE IS MAKING OF HIM)

ALICE:

Dick and Tommy were on your ship.

ALDERMAN:

What! On my ship? I sent them away. They should never

have been anywhere near my ship. How dare they?

ALICE:

No Father. You don't understand. Dick and Tommy stowed

away on the Saucy Sal. And if Tommy is here, then your
ship must have returned. With Dick.

TOMMY:

(CLAPPING AND POINTING TO WINGS)

Tommy!

It's Tommy, Father.

Dick's cat.

Dick Whittington 49
DICK ENTERS AND ALICE RUNS TO HIM.
ALICE:

Dick.

My love.

You're safe.

DICK:

We're all safe. And I am now richer than Alan Sugar,

which means there is no longer a barrier between us. (HE
GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE) Alice. I love you with all my
heart. Will you marry me?

ALICE:

Yes my love.

DICK:

(STANDING AND TAKING ALICE'S HAND) Alderman Fitzwarren,

I would like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.

ALDERMAN:

Alice obviously loves you and I may have been wrong with
my first impressions, so take her and make her a happy
woman.

In an instant.

Come on Tommy. Let's leave the love birds together.

I'll see if I can find you a fish.
ALDERMAN FITZWARREN AND TOMMY EXIT THROUGH
SHOP ENTRANCE.
Musical Number:
Suggestion:

Duet, Dick and Alice.

Now I Have Seen You Honk (the musical)

THE LIGHT LEVELS DROP WITH DICK AND ALICE
BEING PICKED OUT IN A SPOTLIGHT. THEY
POSITION THEMSELVES TO ONE SIDE OF THE STAGE.
TOWARDS THE END OF THE SONG THE FAIRY OF THE
BELLS ENTERS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE IN THE
DARKNESS, THEN (AFTER A SUITABLE GAP FOR
APPLAUSE) THERE IS A FLASH AND A TINKLE OF
BELLS. THE FAIRY IS LIT WHILE DICK AND ALICE
FREEZE.

FAIRY:

With Dick and Alice deep in love,

they didn't need that extra shove.
But someone we must not forget,
is Tommy, he's not dealt with yet.
He has a choice to stay or go,
so let me ask, and then we'll know.
TOMMY ENTERS AND SITS WITH THE FAIRY.

FAIRY:

Your work is through, you've done it well,

I will release you from the spell.
So Tommy, will you come with me?
I promise fish and chips for tea.
Or will you stay with these two here?
To live a life that's not too clear.
TOMMY POINTS TO DICK AND ALICE.

FAIRY:

You'll take a chance? Then good for you.

Go to them. Live your life brand new.
THE FAIRY WAVES HER WAND AND THERE IS A TING
OF A BELL. TOMMY RUNS TO DICK AND ALICE WHO
BECOME ANIMATED AGAIN AND MAKE A BIG FUSS OF
HIM.

FAIRY:

(TO AUDIENCE) There is one thing before I go,

it's in the future, but I know
that Dick will be the Mayor of town,
and get to wear the velvet gown.

Dick Whittington 50
THE FAIRY WAVES HER WAND, THERE IS A TING OF
A BELL AND THE GENERAL LIGHTING RETURNS TO
NORMAL. SHE EXITS.
JACK ENTERS WITH THE SULTAN'S DAUGHTER.
JACK:

Hi everyone. We're back. How am I doing kids?

(AUDIENCE REACTION) I'm doing better than that.
going to marry the Sultan's Daughter.

DICK:

Look at us both Jack. Men of the world and both getting

married to beautiful women.

JACK:

Talking of which, have you seen Sarah lately?

getting married as well.

DICK:

How many camels was she worth?

JACK:

Two and a half humps.

I'm

She's

THEY ALL EXIT AND SARAH ENTERS WITH THE

SULTAN AND SEVERAL "WIVES".
SARAH:

Come on darling. I want you to meet my friends from

(LOCAL REFERENCE).

SULTAN:

(LOOKING INTO AUDIENCE)

SARAH:

Only the ones with money.

SULTAN:

That's so funny. I will move you up to the rank of wife

number seven. (THE OTHER WIVES LOOK DISGUISED AT THIS)
Keeping me happy will always advance you in the ranks.

SARAH:

What if I entertained you with a bit of classical poetry?

SULTAN:

I love your English poets.

Keats?

SARAH:

Both. It's by Shirley Keats. (POSH VOICE) It has the

entitlement of "Glow". (SHE CLEARS HER THROAT VERY LOUD
AND EXAGGERATED)

Do you know them all?

Is it written by Shelley or

I wish I were a glow worm.

A glow worm's never glum.
'Cos how can you be gloomy,
when the sun shines out your bum?
BLACKOUT
CLOSE TABS
END SCENE

Dick Whittington 51
SCENE 8. SOMEWHERE CLOSE (SONG SHEET.) -- DAY
PERFORMED ON THE APRON WITH THE TABS CLOSED.
JACK ENTERS
WHILE JACK CHATS TO THE AUDIENCE, THE SONG
SHEET IS FLOWN IN. (OR BROUGHT ON BY THE
CARETAKER WHO EXITS AGAIN.)
JACK:

How am I doing kids? (AUDIENCE REACTION) Thanks. I

feel so much better now. Hey, look. We're now going to
have a little bit of fun by having a sing song. It's
like karaoke but you don't have to look stupid.
As we've been sailing round the world I thought a
nautical song would be good. I don't know if you know
this one, but here are the words.
LOTS OF ADLIB'S WILL BE NEEDED TO MAKE THIS
WORK. HE GETS THE AUDIENCE TO SING IT
THROUGH ONCE JUST TO SEE HOW IT GOES.
AFTER THE FIRST RUN THOUGH THE CARETAKER
ENTERS TO HELP.

CARETAKER:

They're not doing it right are they?

JACK:

Well this lot over here are, but I'm a bit worried about
that lot.

CARETAKER:

Well I like this side and I think they will be louder

than your side.

JACK:

Oh no they won't.

CARETAKER:

Oh yes they will.

THE AUDIENCE SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED TO JOIN IN
AND SHOUT "OH NO THEY WON'T/WILL.

JACK:

They won't!

CARETAKER:

They will!

JACK:

Won't!

CARETAKER:

Will!
THEY DIVIDE UP THE AUDIENCE AND SPLIT THEM
INTO GROUPS. HALF ROOM OR MEN, WOMEN, KIDS,
WHATEVER. THEN ENCOURAGE THEM TO SING.

SONG SHEET:

The big ship sails on the ally ally oh.

The ally ally oh.
The ally ally oh.
Oh... The big ship sails on the ally ally oh.
On the last day of September.
THE SONG SHEET IS CLEARED.

JACK:

Well done everyone.

I think my side won.

CARETAKER:

Oh no they didn't.

JACK:

Oh yes they did.

CARETAKER:

Don't start that off again.

JACK EXITS

Dick Whittington 52
CARETAKER:

Thank goodness we got that out of the way before anyone

started throwing stuff. So where are we? Oh yes. Dick
has married Alice. Jack has married the Sultan's
daughter. And Sarah is fast becoming the new wife number
one.
Dick Whittington has become Mayor of London and Boris
Johnson has gone back to being a panelist on Have I Got
News For You.
So will you please put your hands together and make a lot
of noise to welcome the whole cast and the new Lord Mayor
of London.
CARETAKER EXITS
END SCENE

Dick Whittington 53
SCENE 9.

THE LORD MAYOR'S PARADE. -- DAY

THE FINAL WALK DOWN WITH EVERYONE IN THEIR
BEST COSTUMES. DICK WEARS THE LORD MAYOR'S
CLOAK AND HAT HE WAS SHOWN IN THE DREAM
SEQUENCE.

Musical number:
Suggestion:

The full cast.

Maybe It's Because I'm A Londoner .

Followed by, or encore. - Knees Up Mother Brown.

FINISH THE SONG WITH ALL CAST ON STAGE FOR A
BOW.
END SCENE
END ACT II.
CURTAIN.
---------------------------------------

EXTRA: After the curtain falls, the Caretaker can come out on the apron
with his broom and clear up. He can remain there and chat to the audience
as they leave. "Have you had a good time?" and "Come on. Ain't you got no
homes to go to" etc etc.