What you should never say to children

By Tom Bennett

As Justin Bieber and Sean Connery have both

said in different circumstances, Never Say
Never. Trying to describe a prescriptive list of
phrases and quips that should never be
uttered in a childs presence is like trying to
design a buffet menu for a convention of
compulsive eaters- youll never be able to
please everyone.
That said, there are a number of things that you should probably avoid in almost
any circumstance (apart from the obvious ones, like I love you and Calm down,
dear), or at least certain categories of comment that could be described
as...sub-optimal strategies. Of course, in much the same way as someone telling
you to forget about it guarantees that youll do anything but, telling someone
not to say something is a brilliant way of making you want to say it. Here are
some of my favourite no-speak zones:
1. Racism/ sexism.
Ill get this out of the way first, because you already
know this, right? Of course, what constitutes racism
is a philosophical debate that generates a lot of
heat and light. But there are clues for everyone:
unless youre actually having a conversation about
racism or the use of aggressive insults, or
something like that (see: Sociology, RS, English.
Probably not Maths) then never drop the N-bomb,
the C-Bomb, or an equivalent phrase. The pupils
are unlikely to discern your ironic reference to
contemporary idiom. There are perfectly
reasonable places to discuss the meaning and
context of racist language, stereotypes;
unannounced in the middle of a random lesson is not that place. Even cultural or
ethnic discussions that you might class as banter must be avoided, for the
simple reason that what you define as harmless might be seen as a gross insult
to another. Think thats too precious? Tough: when you talk to a group of people
you dont know well, unless you intend to offend them, talk with care.
2. I hate this class/ youre all horrible.
Ive heard this, from several teachers, who get so fired up by the apparent (and
possibly genuine) sadistic pleasure classes sometimes take in slowly skinning
their teacher, that they lash out in this spectacular piece of retaliation. If you

thought the class was tough before, wait until you roll this bad boy down the
bowling alley.
3. Youve all been excellent today.
Context is all: if you say this when the class have been hoisting the Jolly Roger
from your whiteboard, or roping you to a totem pole a la The Bash Street Kids,
then all youre doing is teaching them that you are an oleaginous invertebrate.
And they will treat you with contempt. They know when theyve been rubbish.
They find it odd when grown ups apparently cant see it too.
4. Call me Tony.
Obviously this is something you really want to avoid if youre not called Tony. But
its also a warning to teachers who want the kids to bump them, high five them,
or whatever ghastly tribal mime passes for a contemporary salutary idiom. Some
people are uncomfortable with students using terms of respect and deference to
an adult, possibly because its such an unusual thing to hear anywhere but a
school. But an acknowledgement of authority, it is. Of course, you dont need
titles and such to generate respect, but its certainly a display of manners.
Unless you have impeccably behaved
charges, I advise you take your terms of
respect where you can.
5. Youre so fat; you can really
move.
This is now known as the Starkey.
Personal jibes, particularly at the
expense of a pupils body shape/ hair
style/ dress sense etc are like lighting a match under a big, fat firework. Whee!
See that? Thats your lesson going out the window, as the pupil realises that you
just played him for a mug, and then subsequently realising that if you can do it,
then so can he....Only call a pupil fat, etc if you enjoy being told that you in fact,
are gay, smell badly, and probably, a kitty too. (I think whats what they say.)
6. Im going to call home.
And then not doing it. Its like calling a taxi for your self-respect.
7. Why dont you understand? Are you stupid?
Ugly. They might, in fact, not be the brightest star on Hollywood Boulevard, but
society wont tolerate pointing it out. The current ideological meme is that all
children are smart in different ways. Even though this is patently untrue, avoid
pointing it out.
8. Of course, drugs arent the worse thing in the world.
Of course theyre not. Nuclear holocaust, gangrene and Tsunamis probably just
nudge them out of the contest. Everyone has their own opinion on drugs, from

liberal to hard line. But if you do anything other than discourage growing
students to stay away from contraband, then youre not being cool- youre a
menace to children, who might be impressionable enough to listen to you. If you
like, forget the moral debate and consider what growing brain cells neednarcotics, or fresh air? Ill let you decide. Incidentally, I ran a Soho night club for
nearly a decade- Im not taking the high ground on this; but children take their
cues from adults, even the idiot ones.
9. I was so smashed last night.
Too much information; thats on a need to know basis. At least let the children
pretend that you are a professional who spends his evenings honing the lessons
youll deliver to them.
10. Ive spent ages planning this lesson! You dont
know how hard teaching is!
No, they dont. And why should they? Youre getting paid,
and theyre being made to watch you work. Dont burden
them with your burdens- just teach them. If you say this,
then you are effectively rebooting your relationship with
them, only instead of a friendly Windows 7 screen coming
up, its a picture of you with a clown suit on. Good luck,
incidentally.

There are common themes to these recommendations:

dont get too personal with them; dont be crass, rude or insulting; dont try to be
their chum. Always remember that youre a professional, and this isnt your
personal space- keep the dirty laundry for the wash bag, and set an example of
how you would want them to communicate with you, with each other, and with
the world.
Good luck

Tom
http://behaviourguru.blogspot.com/