A Not-So-Open Letter to All the Theater Girls Crushing on My

Theater Boyfriend

First of all, salutations. I am not angry. I welcome you with open

arms. You blonde beauties and brunette stallions, you rising Elle
Woodses and Eponines. You have bright futures ahead of you as
ingnues and beltresses, filled with pink lipstick and tan character
shoes. You do not, however, have a future with my boyfriend.
Lets get something else straight. This isnt one of those superrelatable Buzzfeed installments that is automatically going to ring true
with every girl whos ever dated a theater guy. I make no promises.
Thats one of the reasons Im never sending/posting this thing.
So lets jump right in. Thank you. (Whaaaaaat?! Youre all asking. Or at
least you would be if you were actually reading this. Why would you
ever thank us? **girl shrinks sheepishly back from her computer**) Its
simple, really. In liking my boyfriend, you have validated my reasons
for liking him. I mean, I totally get it. Look at him. Hes tall, hes
muscular, hes got a great voice, he plays guitar, and his eyes are hella
blue. In fact, I suggest that you crush on him. No, really, I recommend
it. Its good for the soul. Therapeutic, even. That said, I dont need to
hear about it.
Actually, we dont even have to be friends. There are so many different
types of ways to react to a crush. Im gonna go out on a limb here and
say that any type of reaction that includes me is wrong. I stand by
what I said before. Crush on my boyfriend. Imagine what life would be
like if I werent in the picture. But actually, do that. Im begging you.
Leave me out of this.
Im gonna go against what I said before. Im gonna give you a Buzzfeed
list. Here are some of the different types of theater crushes that I have
encountered:

1. The Complimentary Crush:

Oh my goodness! You and ******* are soooooo cute! You are so
lucky to have him. Why yes, bouncy cast-mate in character heels,
yes I am. Im super lucky to be dating this gem of a guy here. And I
appreciate you telling me how lucky I am, but Id appreciate it even
more if you would refrain from undressing him with your eyes while
you do it. Yeah. Im right here.

2. The Im-Your-Friend Crush:

Are we friends? Arent we? I cant tell. We smile, we make small talk,
we practice dance combinations side by side, but the minute I turn my
back you glare at me. Glare. How do I know, you ask? Girl. Hes my
boyfriend. Hes my ride home. He told me.

3. The Stall Crush:

Again. Hes my ride home. You can stop him after rehearsal and you
can find fun little things to talk about, but Ill still be there. Im so sorry,
I really am. I would love for you guys to get some alone time. Trust me,
it could fuel your delusion for weeks, but unfortunately Im stuck there.
Hes my ride, hes got the keys, and Im not getting anywhere without
him.

4. The Physical Crush:

Oh I get it. Hes all tall and tan and (as was mentioned before) his eyes
are a stupidly mesmerizing shade of blue. And those muscles. Mm. Im
not a selfish person, and normally I would be all about sharing those
glorious arms, but the thing is, theyre not mine to share and Im not
sure that youre emotionally stable enough to handle it. Can you (I
dont mean you as a hypothetical person, I mean you specifically) feel
those muscles without seeing it as some sort of unspoken contract? Im
uncertain. So thats the thing. If you get that his muscles are not for
you (theyre not even for me. Theyre for him and him only) and youre
just appreciating them objectively, then by all means, if hes cool with
it, touch them. Theyre beautiful. But if its going to confuse your
beautiful, sparkly, show tune-infused heart, stay away. Dont be
brushing up against him trying to get a furtive feel. Not cool. Its even
less cool to be jocular about it. Did you really think that would work?
Oh, how funny! ****** just accidentally grabbed his butt! Girl, no.
That bothers him. Not even me, so much, but it makes him
uncomfortable. If you really liked him you wouldnt want him to feel
uncomfortable. But thats not the point.

5. The Rumour Mill Crush:

I dont think its actually necessary for me to explain this one. And this
doesnt just apply to girls crushing on my boyfriend, this is for
everyone. If its not true, dont say it.

6. The Stalker Crush:

So many Snapchats! So many Facebook posts! If youre with him, the
world of social media knows it. Youre by him every second of the
rehearsal process. No breath is too insignificant to be missed and no
joke is too stupid to laugh at (or, you know, loudly not laugh at. Wow,
that was a stupid joke. Way to go, *****, we hate you.) I know, I know,
Ive heard the saying: If youve got it, flaunt it. But maybe that doesnt
apply to this area of life?

7. The Giggle Crush:

This one isnt actually bad. Its adorable, really, but Im not one to
discriminate, so Ill include it here. These are the teenyboppers who
flock to my boyfriend like birds to a piece of bread. Theyll sit in a circle
around him on breaks, no pretense needed, they just want to feel the
warmth of his presence. I get that, Im in the same boat. Im a Giggle
Crusher too. Just like the teen girls in Bye Bye Birdie, you stop
whatever youre doing the moment he hits the stage. You leave the
greenroom every night to watch him sing his show-stopping number.
Good, he deserves it. That said, man oh man its annoying to wade
through the waves of you to ask him if his mom wants me to bring
back that [fill in the blank] that I borrowed.

8. The Forceful Crush

You go out for frozen yogurt with a group after the show. You fill your
cup with sugary goodness and then you make your way to the register.
You hang back beside my boyfriend, tucking your ballet shoes further
into your bag and your hair further behind your ear, and when the time
comes to pay, open your mouth and form a question. (No, she
wouldnt. Youre thinking. But oh, she would.) So, are you going to pay
for mine too? Um, no, Honey. Hes not.

9. The Coil Spring:

This isnt even a crush, its just a mistake. So theres this thing that
girls do when they want to be friends with your boyfriend, and I call it,
affectionately, thinking Im going to feel threatened. So whenever I
walk into a room and a girl has been chilling with my boyfriend, shell
jump back like someone has let go of a bunched coil spring. Ive
watched it happen. Ive observed a perfectly wonderful girl have a
great conversation with my favorite guy, and the minute she sees me
in the room she flies back like Im gonna fight her. Should I be upset
that my boyfriend has other friends? Cause Im not.

10. The Cuddly Crush:

Ill keep it short and sweet. Please dont lie in my boyfriends lap.
Thanks.

11. The Passive Aggressive Crush:

This genre is made up of an elite few. Youre the girl who was chosen to
play opposite my boyfriend. Youre feeling good, cause you got the role
you wanted and youre acting across from a beautiful male specimen,
andmiracle of miracleshes straight. Heres what I do not need: I do
not need texts from you every day telling me you kissed my boyfriend.
I know you did. I read the script. I do not need you to send me
production pictures of the two of you looking all cutesy onstage, and I
certainly dont need you to act like youre doing me a favor in showing
them to me. I would have seen them on Facebook. And I absolutely
dont need you to tell me to use the pictures to pretend that Im in
them. First of all, what?! I have my own pictures that Im actually in. I
dont need yours. Second of all, in mine, he actually means that super
cute wide-eyed sloppy smile thing he does. No acting involved. I dont
really feel like its constructive for you to always bring up the show
when Im around. There are other things to talk about than your faux
romance.

Im sure youre shocked and annoyed. Dont be so melodramatic,

youre thinking. I mean, maybe Im overreacting, but these are all,
while vague, true examples of my every day life as the theater
girlfriend. I went to Panera. All I wanted was some lunch and a group of
girls came up to me, all giggly and bubbly, and said, **giggle giggle
snort eyeroll** Are you *******s girlfriend? Sigh. Well right now Im

just hungry. Or when I met my boyfriend at his rehearsal on Valentines

Day so that we could go out afterwards and a group of girls wouldnt
let usexcuse mehim leave? This is just my world. Comes with the
territory.
And the thing is, thats totally ok. I enjoy it. Its so nice to know that I
got a good one. And honestly, theres no simple solution. You cant turn
off your feelings and Im not going anywhere, so as long as we both
exist there will always be this strange friction. But thats alright. It
makes the world go round.
So thats my letter. Thanks, and Im sorry. See you in rehearsal!
All my love,
Kaila