Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Volume II Edition VIII

Schools Teach Texting

By A. Marie Silver

A school system in
Georgia is making national
headlines after announcing
its plan to teach students
how to text on their cell
phones. This move was
made after the school
board unanimously voted
to discontinue teaching
cursive writing.
It
simply
isnt
necessary, said Vice
Principle Willie Wiggins.
Students dont need to
learn how to write in
cursive.
They need to
learn how to text.
But not all the parents
agree and some are going
as far as alleging that the
school is encouraging poor
behavior.
My children already
know how to text, one
parent to P&D reporters.
They need to learn how
to write. They can only
write when using a

keyboard and thats not

writing. Thats typing.
The school board will
distribute old cell phones
and have students practice
texting in the classroom.
This move in is an
effort to rid our social
media websites of poor
status updates, said Vice
Principle Wiggins. This
way when parents want to
spy on their children,
theyll be able to read
whats being typed. Well
do
away
with
the
abbreviations being used.
Thats the craziest
thing Ive ever heard,
said Joan Aiden, a parent
of one of the students.
This cant be cost
effective.
The cost of
purchasing the cell phones
has to cost more than
teaching cursive writing.
Parents and teachers
alike are protesting this
effort, picketing outside of
the local schools.

Little Engine Syndrome Real

By Snoop Cubby

A childrens story, The

Little Engine Who Could,
by Witty Piper has been
encouraging optimism and
industriousness
since
1930. It seems that this
sense of optimism and
can-do attitude is what
caused
the
Greatest
Generation to actually be
the greatest generation
surviving
the
Great
Depression, WWII, the
Korean Conflict, Viet
Nam, Womens Lib, the
1970s,
and
college
tuitions of their children.
All while winning the
space-race, and parenting

the most growth in

technology and standards
of living.
Generations since have
not had to struggle as hard
for things and are now
having to boost their selfesteem by awarding and
rewarding themselves for
simply existing. This
leaves them very little to
be optimistic about. And
so you have the rise in
Dystopian literature such
as The Little Magna Train
that Derailed.
Psychologists
are
looking into how schools
can reestablish hard work
and make the students
want it.

The New Average

By LeeAnn Rhoden

There has been a long

standing disparity between
haute couture and reality.
The average woman is 5feet 4-inches tall and
weighs
165
pounds
whereas
the
average
fashion model is 5-feet 10inches tall and 107
pounds. This difference
has been blamed for the
rise in eating disorders in
teenage girls, self-esteem
issues in women.
I was bulimic and
really felt like I was
physically gross, said
Vommitta Uppa when
asked
about
her
experiences. My whole
adolescence was spent in a
bathroom because I wasnt
as thin as the fashion
models
I
saw
in
magazines.
The average model
only represents 3% of the
female population when it
comes to height, weight,
and body structure, said
Dr. Aura Tender, a
psychologist specializing
in
body
dysmorphic
disorder. This has proven
to be very damaging to the
image of women in
society. Both men and
women suffer. Women

will try to emulate their

looks and men are
attracted only to them.
You end up with men who
are frustrated and women
who are depressed and
lonely.
Dont
hate
me
because Im beautiful,
responded Bella a super
model with only one
name.
The problem rests in
the fact that these 3% of
the population are trying to
make themselves the new
normal. And because they
have the covers of every
magazine
they
have
industry power. They have
been so successful that
retailers no longer carry
what they consider to be
plus-size clothes. The
average woman wears a
size 14 and most retailers
have stopped carrying
clothes over a size 12
forcing average women to
shop online.
We prefer to offer
cute clothes in our stores.
Big clothes dont look cute
on our mannequins, they
take up more space on the
racks and frankly, the
bigger girls take up more
room in the aisles,
Continued on Page 2

Weather

Index

Hot. Rain showers in

some areas, monsoons in
other areas. Or maybe dry.
Tornadic activity may be
experienced as upper level
air temperatures drop and
meet hot lower level air
temps. Just stay inside.

More News..............Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor................
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, August 16, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition VIII

So What, Hollywood?
By Ellie Fitzgerald

This summer has been

a busy month for A-List
celebrities and a handful of
divorce
attorneys
are
cashing in. It was bad
enough when Jennifer
Garner and Ben Affleck
announced their divorce
but now it seems the
marital seal has been
broken.
Shortly after
Garner
and
Afflecks
divorce made headlines,
Miranda Lambert and
Blake
Shelton;
Reba
McIntyre
and
Narvel
Blackstock along with
Gwen Stefani and Gavin
Rossdale have also called
it quits. What does this

mean for the rest of the

world? It means its a slow
day in the news room or so
I thought. Then the real
tragedy struck. My favorite
Jim Henson couple, Kermit
and Miss Piggy announced
they were also parting
ways. What kind of world
are we living in when a
pair of Muppets cant even
make their marriage work?
Whos next?
Lois and
Peter Griffin from the
family guy? Or how about
Fred and Wilma Flintsone?
None of our beloved
celebrity couples real or
imaginary - are safe from
divorce. I cant take any
more heartache. Thats it,
Hollywood! I quit!

Average
Continued from Page 1

said Hautty Snoot, owner

of Snooty Pants clothing.
Their sinister plan to
disenfranchise the majority
of women was almost
successful. However, a
recent movement by the
National Organization of
Real
Made
Ladies
(NORML) has taken back
control from the minority.
A small minority
should not dictate what is
or is not right, said Jane

Doe, founder. We are

coming out of our houses
and opening our own
establishments catering to
our needs. We are the
majority. We will be loud
and proud. We will not be
intimidated
into
their
warped sense of the world
And really, a size 00 is not
a size. Its a cry for help
and lasagna.
Dont hate me because
Im beautiful, responded
Bella.

Rants & Raves

To the local librarian,
Yes, I know there is a
self-checkout area. I also
know how to use it. Please
assume, when I bring my
books to you, telling you
they wont scan, that Im
not an idiot. I dont want to
be patronized and lectured
on how to use the selfcheckout area. I want you
to scan my books for me so
I can leave.

To my wonderful threeyear-old,
Thank you for picking
up your toys. Now if I
could only get you to stop
shoving your sister.
Moron You dinged my
car when you flung your
door open. Yes, I saw you
do it; I was sitting in my
car. Moron!

Editorial

Letter to Editor

By Sham Farce

Information is important but what is more

important is how that
information
is
disseminated.
Technology
should be the answer. It
should make the passing of
information simpler and
more immediate. It should
also make it easier for the
information to be received.
But lately that is not the
case.
One of our staffers at
Pilcrow & Dagger has
recently experience information trickle. Rather
than all necessary information be gathered,
outlined in order of
importance,
scheduled
need, and categorized with
like items and presented in
a packet with names and
contact information, she
has been tortured by the
incomplete half-thoughts
of bureaucracy. Forcing
her to locate the source and
obtain
the
complete
information all at an
expense on her time.
Stop
sending
140
character sound-bites and
start telling the whole
story! You are
not
important enough to be
mysterious!

Dear Mr. Farce,

This letter is in
reference to the editorial
you wrote about the ethical
concern regarding your
classified ads.
I enjoy
finding parts to cars
available in your ads. Its
much more cost effective
to find a car part in a
newspaper than it is to rely
on a dealership who will
probably overcharge for
the part once it comes in.
Also, I dont feel P&D
needs to spend any more
time looking into this
matter.
I recommend
dropping the investigation
altogether.
Sincerely,
Mr. Hot Wheels
Mr. Farce,
Your
investigative
reporter wrote a story
about his recent stay in the
hospital and basically
showed himself to be a
really bad food critic as
well as a pedophile. I can
attest that hospital food is a
modern-day horror. As
Wendys father I am very
distressed
that
this
imbecile couldnt tell that
my princess is only in high
school. What sort of
business are you running?
- Wendys Dad

Dear Monica
Dear Monica,
My daughter is glued to
her cell phone. All day
long she laughs and smiles
at it while texting away to
whomever it is shes
speaking with on the other
end. I remember when she
used to laugh and smile at
me all day long. How do I
get my daughter back?
Sincerely,
Texting Mom

Dear Texting Mom,

If you dont mind a
temper tantrum, take the
phone away.
Dear Monica,
My children are in
school and my husband is
at work all day. Its quiet.
- Lonely Mama
Dear Mama,
Enjoy!

Sunday, August 16, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition VIII

Horoscope
Pilcrow
Exclamation
Point

Interrobang
Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand
Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

Because
Sign

Sudoku

&

&

&
:

April 20 May 20

You will be the victor in

any debate this week.

May 21 June 20

&

June 21 July 22
July 23 Aug 22
Aug 23 Sept 22
Sept 23 Oct 22
Oct 23 Nov 21
Nov 22 Dec 21

Dec 22 Jan 19
Jan 20 Feb 18
Feb 19 March 20

You have a tendency to

hog the conversation. Let
others talk.
You have lots of ideas that
keep your mind too busy.
Meditate and slow down.
Youll discover new ideas
and concepts that will thrill
and entertain you.
There is a lot coming at
you today. Focus and ask
good questions.
Be
independent
and
express what you believe.
If you have wronged
someone, be honorable and
confess it.
You may want to start a
new project but finish
whats on the bench first.
If you think it, say it. Dont
censor yourself today.
You have the gift of gab
today.
Spread
your
wisdom.
State the facts in a clear
simple manner. Others will
see the light.

#
*

Octothorpe

Dagger

!
:

You are quick on the

uptake and able to follow
multiple conversations.

Authority
Point

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March 21
- April 19

?
?

&

!
@

Answer in next weeks paper

Blue moon
You saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart
Without a love of my own
- Blue Moon lyrics

Cryptogram

Answer from last paper