Velcro Joins A Cult

By
Jarred Hodgdon

EXT. CITY STREET SIDEWALK - DAY

SHERM and WALLA, gutter hippies that look like they survived
the apocalypse, attempt to pass fliers out to passersby.
WALLA
Its been 6 months since we found a
new recruit.
SHERM
Prophecy requires 92 believers
before the shift.
WALLA
Or the arrival of the one that
would depose Master,the special one
with ultimate slouch.
SHERM
Such a person would shatter the
cloak from the eyes of the masses,
and the era of slouch could
commense.
WALLA
But we mustnt speak of such
things.
EXT. HARDWAY GROCERY STORE - DAY
The entry to the store is blocked by a fierce grizzly bear.
A patron runs from the store screaming, with glass shards
sticking out of their face.
PATRON
Owwwwwww!
INT. HARDWAY GROCERY STORE - DAY
Velcro stands in the checkout isle.
VELCRO
I think Ive acquired all my
purchases for the day.
Velcro holds up a box of Tampons.
VELCRO
Ear swabs.
He holds up a bunch of onions with caramel on them.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

VELCRO
Caramel-ized onions.
VELCRO
Buncha bandanananas.
He holds up a bunch of bananas with bandana patterns on
them.
Approaching the checkout CLERK, she looks at him like hes
an asshole.
CLERK
Next.
Velcro hands over his goods.
VELCRO
Yes hello, Id like to tender a
transaction.
CLERK
Some of this junk is on sale, do
you have a Hardway Klub Kard?
VELCRO
No, whats that?!
CLERK
Here. Fill this out.
The clerk hands Velcro an application. He grabs it,
hurriedly fills it in and hands it back.
The Clerk looks it over. She pouts her lips and looks Velcro
up and down.
CLERK
Hmmmm. Velcro Fathoms huh?
The Clerk looks down a list with the heading "Undesirables",
she finds the name Velcro Fathoms.
CLERK
Says here youre riffraff. Sorry
pal no dice.
VELCRO
Ah Chee.
The manager approaches.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

MANAGER
Is everything alright here?
CLERK
Yeah boss. Just helping some
riffraff.
MANAGER
We dont want any trouble sir.
Please just pay for your goods and
go.
Velcro looks sad.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Velcro walks dejected down the street.
VELCRO
Gee whiz. There isnt one club,
association, click or crew thatll
count me as a member.
Velcro kicks a can. Continues to stroll.
VELCRO
I couldnt get a library
card...didnt pass the literacy
test.
Velcro kicks a can. Continues to stroll.
VELCRO
No bank account. My moneys no good
there they said.
Velcro kicks a can. Continues to stroll.
VELCRO
Not even a drivers license. At the
DMV they said all I could drive was
them crazy!
Velcro kicks a small dog. Continues to stroll sadly.
Sherm and Walla appear as Velcro approaches them. They hold
out fliers to Velcro as he approaches.
SHERM
Yoo-hoo weary traveler.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.

WALLA
Secede from your dark worries and
the harsh judgment of societies
plebes.
Velcro receives the flier in hand.
INSERT FLYER: SLOUCH - The new approach to thrive
VELCRO
Slouch eh? This looks like a club
or something
SHERM
Its so much more. Its an answer
to all that ails. I am Sherm, and
this is Walla. What is your name
friend?
VELCRO
Well. Im Velcro Fathoms. But it
seems like most folks dont want me
in their organization.
WALLA
Velcro. Thats not the Slouch way.
I assure you, the wide arms of
Slouch would welcome you.
VELCRO
Chee. That sounds swell!
The three clasp hands and project upwards, flying into the
sky.
SHERM
Then well go to the master.
INT. HALLWAY TO MASTER SLOUCHS APARTMENT - NIGHT
The three stand before the door to the apartment.
WALLA
Dont stand in awe before Master
Slouch.
SHERM
His presence is great, but pomp and
propriety is not the path of
Slouch.

5.
INT. MASTER SLOUCHS APARTMENT - NIGHT
MASTER SLOUCH, seated like a king on his couch, sips a lager
beer peacefully.
Walla and Sherm enter, ushering in Velcro.
SLOUCH
HELLLLOOOOOOOO! Whats up?!
SHERM
Master Slouch, we present Velcro, a
refugee and traveler.
SLOUCH
Deuddddeee! Whats up?!
VELCRO
Master Slouch. Thank you for this
meeting. I am interested in
learning your way and maybe joining
your club.
Slouch burps and looks about.
MASTER
Dude! Velcro...come close.
Slouch waves for Velcro to come, and Velcro complies,
approaching.
SLOUCH
Kneel..if you would.
Velcro kneels before Master. Slouch puts hands upon his
shoulders, stroking slightly. He then fingers Velcros neck,
then moves his hands to Velcros cheeks and caresses.
Slouches eyes widen.
SLOUCH
Walla! Sherm!
Walla and Sherm rush to Master, flanking him on both sides.
MASTER
(in failed whisper)
This one possesses great Slouch
potential, perhaps already riding
on Slouch wavelengths without the
training principles.
Walla and Sherm look at each other.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

6.

WALLA
We sensed such.
SHERM
Can he be the one of prophecy?
Walla shushes Sherm.
WALLA
Shursh!
Velcro looks confused.
SLOUCH
That prophecy is merely a what if
scenario! Totally inappropriate. We
go forward according to protocol.
Walla and Sherm back away.
VELCRO
So...this is like a club right?
SLOUCH
This isnt a cult!
VELCRO
You have cards right? How do I
join?
WALLA
You dont join!
SHERM
You assume the position of Slouch.
SLOUCH
Sit up..sit before me...well
access your slouch.
Velcro complies, sitting upon the coffee table before
Slouch.
Slouch looks penetratingly into his eyes, Velcro hesitates.
RAYS and ORBS of light shoot between the two.
Velcro fails to break the gaze-hold as the two stiffen.

7.
EXT/INT - SLOUCH REALM - CONTINUOUS
Velcro and Master Slouch are now enveloped within a realm of
COLOR, SURREAL IMAGERY and FLUIDITY.
SLOUCH
We are on the Slouch wavelength.
An otter flies by them.
VELCRO
Ah! How has this happened?! I took
an oath to D.A.R.E. to resist drugs
and violence!
Slouches face melts and contorts.
SLOUCH
Duuudddeee! Youre already in this
realm, Ive only helped you see it.
VELCRO
Okay thats fine then I reckon.
Velcros arm flies off.
SLOUCH
Slouch is the rock in the tsunami
of progress.
NIETZSCHE rides in on a horse and vomits all over Velcro.
Drowning in an ocean of bile, Velcro declares:
VELCRO
I feel slouch! It is the static
heartbeat of immobile perfection
within the tyranny of progress!
SLOUCH
Dude! Impressive insight. Find your
vision in order to learn your
slouch destiny!
Velcro and Master Slouch wince hard, their 3rd eyes
activated, seeking a vision.
Velcro sees a membership card appear before him for the way
of the slouch. He lights up with anticipation.
Slouch sees his couch floating ahead of him, curiosity
appears on his face.
Velcro chases the card unable to reach it.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

8.

Horror grows on Slouches face as he sees Velcro appear in

his place on the couch.
SLOUCH
What?! The prophecy!
Velcro reaches out for the card...almost reaching it, but it
explodes right before his horrified face.
VELCRO
Oh Cheeeee!
INT. SLOUCHES APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Walla and Sherm stand idly by while Velcro and Slouch sit
with rays and orbs flying between their eyes.
SHERM
Maybe Ill have a slice of this
pizza here.
WALLA
Yeah...me too.
Walla and Sherm pick up slices of pizza and eat.
EXT/INT. SLOUCH REALM - CONTINUOUS
Velcro watches as the dust settles from the explosion of his
card.
VELCRO
Of course! The Way of Slouch
doesnt permit cards or such
material idolatry.
Tears well on Slouches face as views Velcro upon his throne.
SLOUCH
My destiny...usurped!
VELCRO
My desire to belong,illusory !
SLOUCH
But I want to be Master!
A massive explosion.

9.

INT. SLOUCHES APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Velcro and Slouch sit across from each other, the link
broken they stare awkwardly at each other.
Walla and Sherm are chewing pizza and look at each other.
Velcro and Slouch look searchingly into each others eyes, it
is a very awkward moment.
Slouch coughs.
SLOUCH
Well.
Slouch motions to stand.
SLOUCH
I...think Im in your seat.
VELCRO
No!
Walla and Sherm react with confusion. Slouch is prone in his
half standing position.
VELCRO
I have seen my slouch path...I am not to belong to anything!
I shall remain a card-less carrying-less member-less
individual!
SLOUCH
But I saw you in my vision! Seated
on the Masters couch.
VELCRO
Well, Id be happy to sit on the
couch, next to the rightful
Master.
Velcro puts his hand on the Masters shoulder. Walla and
Sherm share a grin.
WALLA
Maybe youre not
the prophesied one, but you can
still be our pal.
VELCRO
That sounds swell! Say, can I have
a slice of pizza?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

10.

SLOUCH
Fuck yeah!
Velcro reaches for a slice, slightly disappointed at the
pizza.
VELCRO
Ya know what this pizza needs? Some
bandanananas and caramelized
onions!
He throws his groceries on the pizza. Everyone picks up a
slice and bites.
EVERYONE
MMMMMMMM!!!!!
Everybodies faces light up with enjoyment!
SHERM
Thats some durn good pizza!
WALLA
Maybe youre not the Master...but
youre the master of pizza
toppings!
Everyone laughs a whole bunch.
THE END